With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Two years ago, I met and fell in love with the man whose name I now answer to through the Facebook.
He lives in New York, while I was then in Nigeria. We exchanged pictures and I thought I knew all there was to know about him.
After a year and half of dating on the Facebook, he told his people to proceed with the wedding arrangement. It was mother that came to see my parents first. This visit was followed by another visit by his father. They were very friendly and instantly took to me.
They were equally in a hurry for the wedding to take place. Since he wasn’t in the country, I didn’t get to meet many of his people except when they accompanied his parents. But his sister kept asking me how well I know her brother. Back then I thought her unusual questions were because she didn’t want me to marry her brother.
How naïve I was? I didn’t bother to give it much thought, because at 35, I was almost giving up on hope. He is five years older than I am and has been in New York for more than 15 years.
Even though his father is well to do, he himself is also. You can therefore imagine my joy when he proposed to me and his entire family threw their weight behind his decision.
While we were preparing for the wedding ceremony, he assured me he would come, but changed plans at the last second. He said he was unable to get away from work as some of his partners insisted on coming at that time.
His brother stood in for him and both the traditional and court weddings. During the traditional wedding he was put on speakerphone, and responded to everything that was being done on that day.
Neither my friends nor I could believe my good luck. A month after the court wedding, I travelled to meet him. Until we met physically, he didn’t say anything about his condition. I didn’t know he was crippled.
I recognised him from the photos I have of him, but I didn’t know he was on the wheelchair. The pictures of him on the Facebook must have been taken when he was okay.
I almost ran back, but I bought only one-way ticket. When I asked why he didn’t tell me about his health or physical condition, he said, he knew I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him.
If Amercia weren’t so far away from home, I would have since come back to my people. The worst thing is that his family, who in such a short time build a nice house for my parents and got my brother a contract from the local government is threatening to take all back if I refuse to stay in the marriage.
My parents and siblings are all urging me to stay on. Each time he attempts to touch me, I throw-up. The few times I agreed, though went well, the fact that he has a disability made it difficult for me to flow into the process.
What do I do? There is no way I can endure this marriage for long. I am angry he deceived me, bribed with money, attention, and care. I feel bad his parents are also doing the same thing to my parents. I cannot stay with a man I cannot show off to my friends. I want to know if the marriage we did is legal. I simply cannot marry a cripple, even if he has the ability to procreate.
Help me, Agatha.
Kosi.
Dear Kosi,
Stop hurting this man. You are unwittingly killing him psychologically. If you cannot stand the sight of him, help him as a wife become happy with the situation he has found himself, nobody is forcing you to stay. You are not just being cruel, but also unreasonable.
Granted he lied about his state of physical health, but to say he bribed you with money to fall in love with him is stretching the truth. You thought you had it all, a rich and well-connected husband, who lives in America. Besides, he came at a time you were giving up hope on ever finding a man to call your own. At the time he came, you were becoming desperate and would have done anything to him to marry you.
So the issue of deception is mutual. He deceived you by posting only his top half pictures on the Facebook while you completely fell for him out of desperation and the money he was sending you. At least, be truthful; it is the only way out of this situation. To blame him for the mistakes you made will get you nowhere.
Be truthful. Desperation and the prospect of cash filled life led you to marry a total stranger, someone whose thoughts, temperament, attitude, and disposition you knew nothing of and still don’t know. You were ready to take a gamble and everyone who gambles knows the rule of the game, losing everything at the end of the day.
Besides, marriage itself is a gamble. Even if you spent all your waking moments with this man before marrying him, there is no assurance you will still be completely happy with him.
The fact that you didn’t bother to make further investigations into the character of the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with, underscored your determination to damn everything as long as you got what you wanted.
I am sure if either you or your parents went a step further to ask people around, there would have been someone willing to oblige you the information.
Whether he was present or not, your marriage is legal. You are still making the mistake you made from the beginning, limiting yourself to only the surface presentations of what he is. Every one suffers from one disability or the other. The fact that you are not physically challenged doesn’t mean you are without flaw. The attitude you are putting up presents you as one with a great flaw.
No situation is completely devoid of a positive side. Your grass is definitely greener than the ones in the garden of others. Granted both of you went into the marriage with secrets, but there is nothing stopping you from making the best of the situation you found yourselves. The fact that he can perform his husbandly duties means his case isn’t totally hopeless.
I honestly appreciate your anger and disappointment, but striving to find out more about him could make a whole lot of difference. Granted, your marriage may not be passion filled, but you could still achieve happiness with him.
And the only way is to go beyond his disability to his ability. If he has the ability to go all the way as a man, then the situation isn’t as bad as the image of him on the wheelchair. Your love and support may be all he needs to heal fully. That he is the success story he told you he is shows that he is a very complete man, one that can hold his own anywhere in the world. It couldn’t have been easy for him to make it in another man’s land if he wasn’t intelligent at what he does.
You should be curious to know why he didn’t tell you the whole story about his condition. Just like you must have suffered several disappointments to keep you single till you met him through the Facebook at age 35, he also must have suffered so many disappointments in life.
Begin from there. If he had the full use of his legs one time in life, something terrible must have happened to rob him of his legs. He must have detected something in your various conversations that made him decide on you.
Even though you started on a wrong footing, a lot of difference can still be achieved if you make that effort to get him to talk about his story. In talking you will discover so many things about him in addition to the information you want from him. All you have to do is to drop that attitude of disappointments from your agenda because he is also being let down by your reactions to him and the marriage.
If a man can make love to a woman, give her the quality companionship that makes her feel wanted and happy, what more does the woman want in a marriage? If it is just about your friends and attitude towards his situation, then you don’t have a point or know what marriage is all about for that matter.
You can only be sure of what you really want if you make the effort to make it work.
At this point, you really need the help of God and His wisdom to make the difference in your home. Sincerely, the moment you begin to think of him as your friend, his house as your home, your marriage has a chance of survival. Make the sacrifice needed to make this work.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Does he love me as he claims?
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me, but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him.
Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more.
My worry is: does he love me as he claims at all?
Do please tell me what to do.
Mary.
Dear Mary,
The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues.
He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make.
The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability.
You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now.
However, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication, it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death.
But beyond that, this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude, and the message this is communicating to you.
By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving this initial problem.
You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work, but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you being tag as desperate. You have shown him you care, love him, but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls may be making him wary of taking it further for fear of you domininating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with.
Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you.
It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me, but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him.
Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more.
My worry is: does he love me as he claims at all?
Do please tell me what to do.
Mary.
Dear Mary,
The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues.
He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make.
The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability.
You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now.
However, it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication, it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death.
But beyond that, this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude, and the message this is communicating to you.
By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving this initial problem.
You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work, but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you being tag as desperate. You have shown him you care, love him, but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls may be making him wary of taking it further for fear of you domininating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with.
Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you.
It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are.
Good luck.
Re: I’m ashamed of my husband’s age
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for this beautiful write up. It actually has similarity to my situation.
I met my present girl after my former wife left. We had no children between us. The current lady is 27 years, while I am 49.
My problem with her is that she is most concerned about what she can get from me, while she is searching for a better offer.
We rarely make love, and when we do, she insists I use a condom, whereas from the beginning she knows my desire to have a child. My request to meet with her family members next month hasn’t been granted. As a matter of fact, she refused to make a commitment to my request.
I’m a Federal Civil Servant and live in my own house, though moderate. My problem now is that I need a serious minded woman I can conveniently live and raise a family with.
Depressed Man.
Dear Depressed Man,
Getting another woman isn’t the most important issue for now. There is the need for you to first determine what the challenges are with you, have a focus of the kind of woman you now need in your life as well as the peg of the marriage you want, to avoid you making anohter mistake. You have gone beyond meeting and proposing to a woman; you need to present the woman with much more to make her yield to your proposal.
I concur that at 49, age isn’t something that you have too much on your side, but it also doesn’t mean you should throw caution into the winds by becoming so desperate for any kind of woman.
Doubtless, you have lost considerable time, but there is no way you can move forward if you don’t first accept the reality of your situation.
If at 49 you are still without a child after years of marriage the natural salient question and fear on the mind of any woman you approach for a relationship would be: why you are still childless at your age? Any girl that agrees to date you without asking this question and having a satisfactory answer will end up disappointing you. Just like in the case of your current girlfriend, her decision to date you would premise on how much you are willing to part with.
Uncomfortable as this may sound to you, the truth is that your age and condition has made you a high risk to any young lady desirous of having children. Except you are extremely lucky, no young lady would ideally want to begin her life with you. A young lady that decides to take the risk with you would need more than the assurances of love and more of security considerations to stay with you.
She would need proof that she won’t be sacrificing her womanhood if she marries you. Therefore, to protect you from yourself, you must be very honest with the choices you have.
Without you debasing, your ex-wife and former marriage, honestly tell the new woman you want in your life every necessary detail she ought to know about your former marriage.
Your willingness to talk freely about issues she may be afraid to ask in order not to hurt you will encourage a woman to stay.
It is also important you factor into your plans the age of the lady. It would have been a bit easier if you already have children. But with your situation, you need a woman who is matured and has the right shocks and frame of mind to confront whatever she will meet in her marriage to you. You need a woman who is deep enough to appreciate you for who you are first and not the challenge of marrying a childless middle-aged divorcee immediately you contact her for a relationship.
The lady in your life is treating you the way she is doing because she doesn’t have what it takes to make this kind of sacrifice for you. By staying with her more than necessary, you risk damaging whatever confidence you have left in yourself as a man. And to date her kind would further demoralise you as a man.
Therefore, end this relationship because it is leading to nowhere. Stop exposing yourself to avoidable pains from women who are obviously out to take advantage of your situation.
Accept those things in life you cannot change again. As one gets older, illusions give way to reality. You are at that age when you take sole responsibility for your action. There is no more future anywhere. This is that all-important future you have talked about from your childhood. Count your loses and move on. At this age, you don’t have to please anybody. A desperate and inexperienced woman would only make your life more complex. Look for a woman who has seen all there is to see about life, the kind that has the understanding that life isn’t a straight line, that each of the curve is an incident designed to help others grow in knowledge and wisdom.
You need a woman who would first of all see you as her friend, son, brother, and partner. Only this kind of woman will have the patience to help you come to your full realisation as a man.
A good marriage isn’t just about having a child, but also about being happy. Without the person you are sharing your space, body, and mind with, there is no way a woman who isn’t properly in tune with your dreams can make you happy. Marriage is a compromise of all the aspects of life.
Take time out of this relationship first; sort out your needs before settling down with one. Ensure you and the woman share so many things in common. The example of the lady in the above captioned story should serve as a lesson to you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha, I want to thank you for this beautiful write up. It actually has similarity to my situation.
I met my present girl after my former wife left. We had no children between us. The current lady is 27 years, while I am 49.
My problem with her is that she is most concerned about what she can get from me, while she is searching for a better offer.
We rarely make love, and when we do, she insists I use a condom, whereas from the beginning she knows my desire to have a child. My request to meet with her family members next month hasn’t been granted. As a matter of fact, she refused to make a commitment to my request.
I’m a Federal Civil Servant and live in my own house, though moderate. My problem now is that I need a serious minded woman I can conveniently live and raise a family with.
Depressed Man.
Dear Depressed Man,
Getting another woman isn’t the most important issue for now. There is the need for you to first determine what the challenges are with you, have a focus of the kind of woman you now need in your life as well as the peg of the marriage you want, to avoid you making anohter mistake. You have gone beyond meeting and proposing to a woman; you need to present the woman with much more to make her yield to your proposal.
I concur that at 49, age isn’t something that you have too much on your side, but it also doesn’t mean you should throw caution into the winds by becoming so desperate for any kind of woman.
Doubtless, you have lost considerable time, but there is no way you can move forward if you don’t first accept the reality of your situation.
If at 49 you are still without a child after years of marriage the natural salient question and fear on the mind of any woman you approach for a relationship would be: why you are still childless at your age? Any girl that agrees to date you without asking this question and having a satisfactory answer will end up disappointing you. Just like in the case of your current girlfriend, her decision to date you would premise on how much you are willing to part with.
Uncomfortable as this may sound to you, the truth is that your age and condition has made you a high risk to any young lady desirous of having children. Except you are extremely lucky, no young lady would ideally want to begin her life with you. A young lady that decides to take the risk with you would need more than the assurances of love and more of security considerations to stay with you.
She would need proof that she won’t be sacrificing her womanhood if she marries you. Therefore, to protect you from yourself, you must be very honest with the choices you have.
Without you debasing, your ex-wife and former marriage, honestly tell the new woman you want in your life every necessary detail she ought to know about your former marriage.
Your willingness to talk freely about issues she may be afraid to ask in order not to hurt you will encourage a woman to stay.
It is also important you factor into your plans the age of the lady. It would have been a bit easier if you already have children. But with your situation, you need a woman who is matured and has the right shocks and frame of mind to confront whatever she will meet in her marriage to you. You need a woman who is deep enough to appreciate you for who you are first and not the challenge of marrying a childless middle-aged divorcee immediately you contact her for a relationship.
The lady in your life is treating you the way she is doing because she doesn’t have what it takes to make this kind of sacrifice for you. By staying with her more than necessary, you risk damaging whatever confidence you have left in yourself as a man. And to date her kind would further demoralise you as a man.
Therefore, end this relationship because it is leading to nowhere. Stop exposing yourself to avoidable pains from women who are obviously out to take advantage of your situation.
Accept those things in life you cannot change again. As one gets older, illusions give way to reality. You are at that age when you take sole responsibility for your action. There is no more future anywhere. This is that all-important future you have talked about from your childhood. Count your loses and move on. At this age, you don’t have to please anybody. A desperate and inexperienced woman would only make your life more complex. Look for a woman who has seen all there is to see about life, the kind that has the understanding that life isn’t a straight line, that each of the curve is an incident designed to help others grow in knowledge and wisdom.
You need a woman who would first of all see you as her friend, son, brother, and partner. Only this kind of woman will have the patience to help you come to your full realisation as a man.
A good marriage isn’t just about having a child, but also about being happy. Without the person you are sharing your space, body, and mind with, there is no way a woman who isn’t properly in tune with your dreams can make you happy. Marriage is a compromise of all the aspects of life.
Take time out of this relationship first; sort out your needs before settling down with one. Ensure you and the woman share so many things in common. The example of the lady in the above captioned story should serve as a lesson to you.
Good luck.
Sacked for dating her, now she’s pregnant…
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I graduated with Second Class Upper in Psychology but couldn’t get a job five years after my graduation. So, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job that came my way.
That was how I became a security man to this successful businessman. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might be a barrier to my being employed by him.
Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. Even if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl, were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet and gist with me. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money, but also excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her.
Through our discussions, the twins discovered I was a graduate. In fact, I became their friend as I helped them with their assignments since they were also studying my course. Their mother was hardly around, so she didn’t notice our closeness.
Somehow, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened, but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say.
Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support, but warned of his mother’s reactions if she gets to find out.
We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’ wife got to know, and one afternoon came to my post, slapped me, with threats to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone.
That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business.
All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am not only still dating her daughter, but that she is pregnant for me?
Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter, I, who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman her words are laws in that house.
Paul.
Dear Paul,
It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are laws in that house. In the first place, you are no longer working for her and you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say; learn to control your temper as a man.
Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were in the first place.
What you need is confidence in yourself and belief in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you of being afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and inferior to have her daughter as a wife.
The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with, and for that simple fact deserves your respect. But anything beyond that, make it clear to her in your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago.
Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee, but now you are now a young successful businessman. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years.
However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to first of all accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far, but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over.
He may not be as obvious as his wife, but deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good-natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you.
And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist.
Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he were as humble as you said, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter.
By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth.
Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I graduated with Second Class Upper in Psychology but couldn’t get a job five years after my graduation. So, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job that came my way.
That was how I became a security man to this successful businessman. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might be a barrier to my being employed by him.
Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. Even if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl, were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet and gist with me. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money, but also excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her.
Through our discussions, the twins discovered I was a graduate. In fact, I became their friend as I helped them with their assignments since they were also studying my course. Their mother was hardly around, so she didn’t notice our closeness.
Somehow, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened, but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say.
Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support, but warned of his mother’s reactions if she gets to find out.
We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’ wife got to know, and one afternoon came to my post, slapped me, with threats to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone.
That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business.
All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am not only still dating her daughter, but that she is pregnant for me?
Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter, I, who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman her words are laws in that house.
Paul.
Dear Paul,
It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are laws in that house. In the first place, you are no longer working for her and you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say; learn to control your temper as a man.
Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were in the first place.
What you need is confidence in yourself and belief in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you of being afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and inferior to have her daughter as a wife.
The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with, and for that simple fact deserves your respect. But anything beyond that, make it clear to her in your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago.
Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee, but now you are now a young successful businessman. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years.
However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to first of all accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far, but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over.
He may not be as obvious as his wife, but deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good-natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you.
And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist.
Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he were as humble as you said, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter.
By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth.
Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother.
Good luck.
Causes of uterine fibroids, please
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it.
Lanre.
Dear Lanre,
None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumors. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular- blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids.
In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and taking oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood of having fibroids.
Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period; menarche prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol particularly beer, uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure – hypertension.
Estrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but postmenopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist.
Overall, these tumors are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumors that originate in the uterus.
It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it.
Lanre.
Dear Lanre,
None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumors. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular- blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids.
In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and taking oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood of having fibroids.
Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period; menarche prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol particularly beer, uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure – hypertension.
Estrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but postmenopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist.
Overall, these tumors are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumors that originate in the uterus.
It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition.
Good luck.
My upbringing affects relationship with opposite sex
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
It’s always great reading the various advice you give to people and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue that is eating me up.
I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin, but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem.
I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused as to marrying a graduate like me or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply.
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.
Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side; a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lack the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover whom you are, get into pranks like all children do; the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.
To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know whom you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want; only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship.
To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality.
In this package are temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first.
Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood.
A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.
Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
It’s always great reading the various advice you give to people and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue that is eating me up.
I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin, but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem.
I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused as to marrying a graduate like me or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply.
Confused Guy.
Dear Confused Guy,
There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.
Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side; a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lack the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover whom you are, get into pranks like all children do; the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.
To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know whom you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want; only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship.
To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality.
In this package are temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first.
Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood.
A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.
Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy.
Good luck.
I’m ashamed of my husband’s age
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.comgataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I got married in 2009. Before, then I asked God to give me a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to Him. He answered my prayer. But the man is more than 50 years of age while I am 30. My problem now is, sometimes I don’t go out with him and when I do, I refuse to sit with him because I am ashamed. I truly love him but I practically force myself to go out with him and sometimes I don’t bother to introduce him to my friends.
Please help me out of this because I am already into the marriage and I can’t go back.
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
The only problem I see here is you and until you come to terms with the most important things you want from life, you will never be happy.
In the first instance, were you forced to go into this marriage? You went into it with your eyes opened. You knew from the first day that this man is 20 years older than you and you knew that marriage is forever and you would have to accompany him everywhere as his wife. So what changed from the time you married him and now to make you become so ashamed of the man you profess to love?
What manner of love makes you ashamed to be seen with the man you married? What kind of woman would refuse to sit with her husband at public functions? Why did you marry him at all? Didn’t you feel all these things you are now feeling when you first met him or agreed to marry him? These kinds of feelings don’t just grow all of a sudden unless the person having them is looking for an excuse to behave in a particular way. What was so urgent then that made you ignore his age then that is no longer important now that you have married him?
Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth here. It is either you married him for the comfort of his money or have found a younger man you want to leave this man for. There must be a reason, one you are unwilling to say that is responsible for your sudden unease with everything your husband represents.
Either way, learn to be very honest with yourself to avoid throwing away substance for mere dreams.
Age is a thing of the mind. If you really love him, you will learn to be comfortable with him as well as give him all the support he needs to be happy with his decision to marry you.
The fact that he isn’t saying anything or hasn’t complained about your behaviour doesn’t mean he is unaware of what is going on. He may be ignoring you for his own peace of mind. Certain experiences in his past may have taught him to hold his peace.
The nature of the resentment and embarrassment are so strong that the person at the receiving end instantly gets the message. He is pretending not to notice to give you time to get used to his person. If you are wise, you would stop concentrating on his age and pay attention to his person and how much happiness you are getting from being married to him.
Try for one second to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel if he is the one avoiding you like a plague, refusing to introduce you to his friends?
There is more to being married than the issue you are playing up. You asked God to give you a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to God; He gave you exactly what you wanted so why not simply enjoy the grace of God for this special gift? If age mattered so much to you, why didn’t you specify?
For every marriage to succeed, it has to be laced with plenty of loyalty and contentment. You risk peace, joy and progress in your life and marriage if you continuously give in to your feelings of frustration at the gift God gave to you.
At 30, you should have outgrown this kind of feeling. By now, you ought to be at the gate of reality; appreciate that life itself isn’t perfect and think of ways of making it work.
You will never find the strength and motivation to propel this marriage to its full potentials unless you let go of this fixation you have with his age.
More than your husband, you have more to lose. Should he decide he has had enough of your treatment of him, he is most likely to find another woman faster than you can find a man at your age willing to marry a divorcee.
Besides, the earlier you settled down to making your marriage work, the better for you. Don’t forget as a woman, your own biological clock is ticking away. While you are worried about his age, your own reproductive clock is aging. Once it comes to a full-stop, there is no remedy whereas, modern science can make him look 30 years younger than you. Before he becomes the one putting the pressure on you to prove your womanhood, reposition your marriage along the lines of giving him every respect and devotion he deserves as your husband.
One way to achieve this is to look at your so-called friends. How many of them are as lucky as you are in the choice of a good man? If you care to look beyond the amplified image of him being an old man, you will begin to discover so many positive attributes about him. It is just a matter of finding out why you say you are in love with a man you ordinarily don’t want to have anything to do with.
In your most sober moments, do you think another man that is younger than he is can manage your person, give you the kind of peace you feel with him? If you didn’t feel something good about your marriage, it won’t just be his age you would be complaining about, you would have mentioned those things too.
Lack of knowledge of what you really want from life is one of the reasons you are so unfair to your husband. Take time out, get to know him; the person behind the image of the old man you constantly see. By the time you get to meet the real person, befriend him, you will grow the peace, wisdom and maturity to be proud of him.
The fact that you met him single at his age should tell you that he has gone through some very difficult experiences in life. He doesn’t need a woman who will make him unhappy or remember images he would rather forget. He needs you to love him more than any of those women who made him remain single until you came into his life.
Make it your business to delete from his memory bank those images, not adding to them by acting like a teenager who lacks the knowledge of what life has to offer.
Once you make up your mind to be the kind of wife he deserves, you will discover that what you think is important is the least deserving of attention in your marriage.
Even if it is his appearance you don’t like, there are ways of correcting it without being unfeeling. Besides, if you intend to last forever with him, you better learn how to enjoy the marriage.
You also need more of God’s presence in your life to help you focus rightly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I got married in 2009. Before, then I asked God to give me a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to Him. He answered my prayer. But the man is more than 50 years of age while I am 30. My problem now is, sometimes I don’t go out with him and when I do, I refuse to sit with him because I am ashamed. I truly love him but I practically force myself to go out with him and sometimes I don’t bother to introduce him to my friends.
Please help me out of this because I am already into the marriage and I can’t go back.
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
The only problem I see here is you and until you come to terms with the most important things you want from life, you will never be happy.
In the first instance, were you forced to go into this marriage? You went into it with your eyes opened. You knew from the first day that this man is 20 years older than you and you knew that marriage is forever and you would have to accompany him everywhere as his wife. So what changed from the time you married him and now to make you become so ashamed of the man you profess to love?
What manner of love makes you ashamed to be seen with the man you married? What kind of woman would refuse to sit with her husband at public functions? Why did you marry him at all? Didn’t you feel all these things you are now feeling when you first met him or agreed to marry him? These kinds of feelings don’t just grow all of a sudden unless the person having them is looking for an excuse to behave in a particular way. What was so urgent then that made you ignore his age then that is no longer important now that you have married him?
Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth here. It is either you married him for the comfort of his money or have found a younger man you want to leave this man for. There must be a reason, one you are unwilling to say that is responsible for your sudden unease with everything your husband represents.
Either way, learn to be very honest with yourself to avoid throwing away substance for mere dreams.
Age is a thing of the mind. If you really love him, you will learn to be comfortable with him as well as give him all the support he needs to be happy with his decision to marry you.
The fact that he isn’t saying anything or hasn’t complained about your behaviour doesn’t mean he is unaware of what is going on. He may be ignoring you for his own peace of mind. Certain experiences in his past may have taught him to hold his peace.
The nature of the resentment and embarrassment are so strong that the person at the receiving end instantly gets the message. He is pretending not to notice to give you time to get used to his person. If you are wise, you would stop concentrating on his age and pay attention to his person and how much happiness you are getting from being married to him.
Try for one second to put yourself in his shoes; how would you feel if he is the one avoiding you like a plague, refusing to introduce you to his friends?
There is more to being married than the issue you are playing up. You asked God to give you a man who is caring, loving, dedicated and devoted to God; He gave you exactly what you wanted so why not simply enjoy the grace of God for this special gift? If age mattered so much to you, why didn’t you specify?
For every marriage to succeed, it has to be laced with plenty of loyalty and contentment. You risk peace, joy and progress in your life and marriage if you continuously give in to your feelings of frustration at the gift God gave to you.
At 30, you should have outgrown this kind of feeling. By now, you ought to be at the gate of reality; appreciate that life itself isn’t perfect and think of ways of making it work.
You will never find the strength and motivation to propel this marriage to its full potentials unless you let go of this fixation you have with his age.
More than your husband, you have more to lose. Should he decide he has had enough of your treatment of him, he is most likely to find another woman faster than you can find a man at your age willing to marry a divorcee.
Besides, the earlier you settled down to making your marriage work, the better for you. Don’t forget as a woman, your own biological clock is ticking away. While you are worried about his age, your own reproductive clock is aging. Once it comes to a full-stop, there is no remedy whereas, modern science can make him look 30 years younger than you. Before he becomes the one putting the pressure on you to prove your womanhood, reposition your marriage along the lines of giving him every respect and devotion he deserves as your husband.
One way to achieve this is to look at your so-called friends. How many of them are as lucky as you are in the choice of a good man? If you care to look beyond the amplified image of him being an old man, you will begin to discover so many positive attributes about him. It is just a matter of finding out why you say you are in love with a man you ordinarily don’t want to have anything to do with.
In your most sober moments, do you think another man that is younger than he is can manage your person, give you the kind of peace you feel with him? If you didn’t feel something good about your marriage, it won’t just be his age you would be complaining about, you would have mentioned those things too.
Lack of knowledge of what you really want from life is one of the reasons you are so unfair to your husband. Take time out, get to know him; the person behind the image of the old man you constantly see. By the time you get to meet the real person, befriend him, you will grow the peace, wisdom and maturity to be proud of him.
The fact that you met him single at his age should tell you that he has gone through some very difficult experiences in life. He doesn’t need a woman who will make him unhappy or remember images he would rather forget. He needs you to love him more than any of those women who made him remain single until you came into his life.
Make it your business to delete from his memory bank those images, not adding to them by acting like a teenager who lacks the knowledge of what life has to offer.
Once you make up your mind to be the kind of wife he deserves, you will discover that what you think is important is the least deserving of attention in your marriage.
Even if it is his appearance you don’t like, there are ways of correcting it without being unfeeling. Besides, if you intend to last forever with him, you better learn how to enjoy the marriage.
You also need more of God’s presence in your life to help you focus rightly.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
He suddenly grows the knack to look young…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
In the past three months, my husband has been behaving strangely. Although the changes are not the kind you can hold on to, give a name, but are there nonetheless.
He takes extra care of his appearance, ensure when he is going out that everything about him is perfect, changed his cologne to a stronger one, has started cutting down on his in take of food with the excuse that he doesn’t want to go out of shape too much.
I recently went through his clothes, discovered he has practically changed his easy clothes to jeans and T-shirts. The quality of these things can only come from a woman’s fashion eyes. Recently, went into his room to find him reading a book that gives detailed portrayal of the different sex styles.
When I asked what he was doing with such a book, he said, it was meant to broaden his knowledge since learning isn’t restricted to any age.
Agatha, everything about his conduct smells extra-marital affairs. We have been married for almost two decades. He will be 50 later this year while I will be 46 in April.
I don’t know how to handle him at this age. I thought this side of him was gone with his youthful days.
Please, I don’t want to lose him to a younger woman.
Iyinola.
Dear Iyinola,
What is happening to your husband is the basic need of the average middle age man to relive the excitement of his past. Not everybody is equipped with the presence of mind to accept the process of aging with maturity. For many of us, the onset of the golden years is scary and bleak. This is because the golden years bring with them a decline in the human form.
No matter how much modern science has improved, man’s internal mechanism begins the dance of depreciation.
While women give in to the menopausal years, actually are mentally prepared to begin this new phase of life, nothing on the other hand prepares the man for this period of his life.
Every man wants to remain active and attractive for life. So when the age catches on, most men become very scared so much so they want to run back into their youths for support.
While your husband could be having an affair to prove he is still man enough to engage and sustain the interest of the young woman, it may just be that the fear of old age has made him so insecure that he wants to hold on at all cost to his past.
Whatever he may be up to, this isn’t the time for you to get overtly jealous or troublesome. Any additional stress on his plate will make him abandon you and the children for a younger woman that makes him feel strong and vibrant, even if for a short period. To forestall crisis in your home, give him all the support to be secured again.
When it comes to this kind of issue women are stronger and more realistic. Don’t forget the ego of the average man is tied to his viability and vibrancy as a man. Anything that will tamper with these, men don’t like that all.
In whatever way, encourage him by your own appearance too. He is obviously fighting to remain young and would very soon begin to resent anything that reminds him of his current age. You will definitely become his first target if you are the kind of woman who exposes through your choice of clothes what he is trying to run away from.
This means until he comes to terms with his present age, you have to shift position a little bit to conform to what he has in mind. It is also essential to protect your home from irrational decision he is likely to make in his current frame of mind.
The first thing is to perish the thought of another woman in his life; such thoughts at your age will only make you miserable and angry. Even if he is dating another woman, pretend she doesn’t exist. In addition, she isn’t worth your time and attention.
Secondly, do away with free flowing gowns. Invest in some quality T-shirts similar to the ones he has. If you favour trousers, go for them in durable Jeans materials, but if not, go for skirts, the kinds that make you smart and appealing.
Ensure you change your hairstyles to more contemporary ones. And even if you must dress in gowns and traditional attires, go for vibrant colours, match them with equally appealing essentials that would force him to look at you again as a woman; just his wife and mother of his children.
Also spend good money on quality bra and support panties to firm up your body. There is no investment in your appearance that is too much for the sake of your home.
With hair-extensions there is no style you cannot achieve. You can also opt for low cut to keep you trendy.
To ensure he remembers you wherever he goes, stamp your authority on his mind by searching for a perfume with unforgettable fragrance. It is a matter of looking for the right one for you. Also go for sexy nightgowns. Who says you cannot be as sexy as those young girls even more than them since you have time and experiences on your side?
As for your sex life, you are just starting. Why not take a cue from him on how to improve your act? There is no age restriction to learning.
There is always an improved version to what you are used to. It is a matter of your willingness to experiment with your age of freedom.
Give him the extra.
Above all, entrust your marriage to God; there is no situation He cannot change.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
In the past three months, my husband has been behaving strangely. Although the changes are not the kind you can hold on to, give a name, but are there nonetheless.
He takes extra care of his appearance, ensure when he is going out that everything about him is perfect, changed his cologne to a stronger one, has started cutting down on his in take of food with the excuse that he doesn’t want to go out of shape too much.
I recently went through his clothes, discovered he has practically changed his easy clothes to jeans and T-shirts. The quality of these things can only come from a woman’s fashion eyes. Recently, went into his room to find him reading a book that gives detailed portrayal of the different sex styles.
When I asked what he was doing with such a book, he said, it was meant to broaden his knowledge since learning isn’t restricted to any age.
Agatha, everything about his conduct smells extra-marital affairs. We have been married for almost two decades. He will be 50 later this year while I will be 46 in April.
I don’t know how to handle him at this age. I thought this side of him was gone with his youthful days.
Please, I don’t want to lose him to a younger woman.
Iyinola.
Dear Iyinola,
What is happening to your husband is the basic need of the average middle age man to relive the excitement of his past. Not everybody is equipped with the presence of mind to accept the process of aging with maturity. For many of us, the onset of the golden years is scary and bleak. This is because the golden years bring with them a decline in the human form.
No matter how much modern science has improved, man’s internal mechanism begins the dance of depreciation.
While women give in to the menopausal years, actually are mentally prepared to begin this new phase of life, nothing on the other hand prepares the man for this period of his life.
Every man wants to remain active and attractive for life. So when the age catches on, most men become very scared so much so they want to run back into their youths for support.
While your husband could be having an affair to prove he is still man enough to engage and sustain the interest of the young woman, it may just be that the fear of old age has made him so insecure that he wants to hold on at all cost to his past.
Whatever he may be up to, this isn’t the time for you to get overtly jealous or troublesome. Any additional stress on his plate will make him abandon you and the children for a younger woman that makes him feel strong and vibrant, even if for a short period. To forestall crisis in your home, give him all the support to be secured again.
When it comes to this kind of issue women are stronger and more realistic. Don’t forget the ego of the average man is tied to his viability and vibrancy as a man. Anything that will tamper with these, men don’t like that all.
In whatever way, encourage him by your own appearance too. He is obviously fighting to remain young and would very soon begin to resent anything that reminds him of his current age. You will definitely become his first target if you are the kind of woman who exposes through your choice of clothes what he is trying to run away from.
This means until he comes to terms with his present age, you have to shift position a little bit to conform to what he has in mind. It is also essential to protect your home from irrational decision he is likely to make in his current frame of mind.
The first thing is to perish the thought of another woman in his life; such thoughts at your age will only make you miserable and angry. Even if he is dating another woman, pretend she doesn’t exist. In addition, she isn’t worth your time and attention.
Secondly, do away with free flowing gowns. Invest in some quality T-shirts similar to the ones he has. If you favour trousers, go for them in durable Jeans materials, but if not, go for skirts, the kinds that make you smart and appealing.
Ensure you change your hairstyles to more contemporary ones. And even if you must dress in gowns and traditional attires, go for vibrant colours, match them with equally appealing essentials that would force him to look at you again as a woman; just his wife and mother of his children.
Also spend good money on quality bra and support panties to firm up your body. There is no investment in your appearance that is too much for the sake of your home.
With hair-extensions there is no style you cannot achieve. You can also opt for low cut to keep you trendy.
To ensure he remembers you wherever he goes, stamp your authority on his mind by searching for a perfume with unforgettable fragrance. It is a matter of looking for the right one for you. Also go for sexy nightgowns. Who says you cannot be as sexy as those young girls even more than them since you have time and experiences on your side?
As for your sex life, you are just starting. Why not take a cue from him on how to improve your act? There is no age restriction to learning.
There is always an improved version to what you are used to. It is a matter of your willingness to experiment with your age of freedom.
Give him the extra.
Above all, entrust your marriage to God; there is no situation He cannot change.
Good luck.
Falling in love with a man I never met?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
She caught me with my live-in lover…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Re: Too cunning to be taken serious
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
After he ‘arrived,’ I’m no more his match…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been humiliated beyond what words can express. My marriage is almost 19 years old. My first child came three months after our wedding.
I was almost the breadwinner of the family because my husband was then a struggling man. My husband is known to you, the reason I refused your invitation for us to meet privately. I want this matter discussed on your column to warn other women against trusting any man.
Back then, I even provided transport money for him as you well know that you journalists do not get paid on time. I have always been business minded, so didn’t have any difficulties combining my work with managing my shop.
As a result, money wasn’t too much a challenge to me. To support him, I took on the responsibility of feeding and payment of the children’s school fees. We are blessed with a girl and two boys. We agreed he should take care only of the payment of our accommodation. Even that, he kept defaulting, and I would have no choice but to pay the rent to avoid the embarrassment of being evicted.
This became the pattern of our marriage. Even when things began to improve for him, I didn’t mind and was doing it with joy. As a woman, I don’t give him any problems, accord him all the respect he deserves that even my children mock my seemingly fear of him.
I allow his words to be law in the house, ensure the house is ever clean, his meals cooked promptly and his guests well entertained. With each promotion he got, his guest lists became more complex and extensive, which sometimes leaves me with little or no time to do my business.
My children all attend private schools and despite his rise and popularity, I still pick all the bills I have been paying since we got married.
Even our first piece of land, I bought it. The house on it I built it. Not even my children are aware of this fact because all the documents read Mr. and Mrs.
About two years ago, we moved into our second home. I was happy because things were really looking good for him. Besides, I was also beginning to benefit from his popularity. Once people link my name with his, it became easy for me to get things done.
Recently, he was given an appointment, and just when I was about to enjoy the benefits of my labour, I discovered he has another woman in his life. And what more she is expecting his baby.
He didn’t even have the decency to inform me, I got to know from a third source and when I confronted him, he said, he has outgrown me; that I was free to go if I cannot live with his decision.
This new woman is just about five years older than my daughter and from all indices set to even drive me out of my home.
Although my children are determined to fight on my behalf, I feel so betrayed by my husband. Even his parents are disappointed in him.
My mother, her sisters as well as the few friends I have, say I should pack out of the house to avoid the pains of playing second fiddle to this lady he has decided to bring the house after my confrontation.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation at all. Do I just leave because my health is beginning to fail me? The doctors have just diagnosed me as having high blood pressure, a condition, I never had. Worst of all, he didn’t even bother to come to visit me while I was on admission at the family hospital. All he did was to phone.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains! My only offence is that he has outgrown me? I feel like dying. Please help me because I lack the idea of how to approach this matter.
Humiliated Wife.
Dear Humiliated Wife,
Just be patience. There is nothing this attribute cannot conquer; there is nothing new under the sun.
This moment will soon blow over. You feel confused because the heat from this situation is at its peak. Look beyond the high pains of your situation into the calmness that usually follow the pangs of labour. Let your children for now be your source of joy and strength. You will be amazed at how much stay power and support you can get from them. Also, in situation like this, the wisdom of the child is amazing. Their empathy a good calmative, to make you fight whatever health challenge that may want to come as a result of the behaviour of your husband.
All you have to do is to stop thinking of what he has done to giving glory to God for giving you three wonderful children.
Pause and think what it would have been like if you didn’t have a child for him, or that you were having just a particular gender? The fact that another woman is currently carrying his baby would have been enough to send you into an early grave if you were still trusting God to bless you with the fruit of the womb.
Not only do you have children, you are blessed with both genders, so what are you afraid of?
No doubt you have every right to feel bad, but consider everything you did and would do to preserve your marriage as in the ultimate interest of the children.
Fighting your husband or his new wife won’t solve any problem just as packing out of the house isn’t an option. He has already taken his decision. The naked fact is that another woman is pregnant for him and he has brought her home to you; introduced her as his other wife.
So, how would your leaving the house change the situation or be a solution? Is leaving your husband for another woman what you really want? You will only be playing into their hands by leaving your home for her. If there is anybody that should be uncomfortable with the situation, she should be the one. After all, she has been staying in a house until this moment.
Encourage your husband to get a place for her, if it comes to the choice of one of you leaving. Tell him you don’t mind him spending more time with her. Deep down, the lady too may not want to stay in the same house with you, or share a place that holds so much memory of you.
Therefore, what the situation requires is just a little bit of adjustment. Don’t nag or fight him, but let him know that much as you respect his wish for another wife, you will not be pushed out of the home you have invested in almost two decades.
No matter the euphoria of a new wife, he still has a part of you in his memory. You know him more than this new woman, your history together as a couple cannot be replaced by another. It is this knowledge and history you should work on. But it will only work, if you don’t allow bitterness of what he has done to you overshadow you.
You have already been embarrassed, humiliated by his public abandonment of you so a little more degradation won’t make any difference provided at the end of the day, you don’t get kicked out of the home.
This may sound funny, but you have to dig into your own memory bank and come up with something he likes about you; that thing that has been the strength of your marriage all these years. This is the time to use it as a weapon to get him to do your bidding, listen to a workable solution that will still make him appear to be in charge. From my experience, when men get into this tricky situation, male ego and pride force them to carry on in their mistakes.
Don’t forget that you are no longer the only woman in his life. He has to prove to the new comer that he is in charge of his home. This is where regrettable decisions come into a man’s life. But if you don’t openly challenge him, but elect to act as a stupid woman begging to keep her home, he will listen to you.
Even if it hurts you to say it, keep telling him you love him just to make the other woman leave you and your children alone. The fact that you are not fighting him, creating scenes, he will in his sober moment consider your options and give in at the end of the day.
The moment he relocates her from your home, you really don’t have any business with her. She is welcome to have the child just as you will have the peace of mind to re-plan your life and marriage.
Above all, learn to pray because this is the time you need the presence of God more in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been humiliated beyond what words can express. My marriage is almost 19 years old. My first child came three months after our wedding.
I was almost the breadwinner of the family because my husband was then a struggling man. My husband is known to you, the reason I refused your invitation for us to meet privately. I want this matter discussed on your column to warn other women against trusting any man.
Back then, I even provided transport money for him as you well know that you journalists do not get paid on time. I have always been business minded, so didn’t have any difficulties combining my work with managing my shop.
As a result, money wasn’t too much a challenge to me. To support him, I took on the responsibility of feeding and payment of the children’s school fees. We are blessed with a girl and two boys. We agreed he should take care only of the payment of our accommodation. Even that, he kept defaulting, and I would have no choice but to pay the rent to avoid the embarrassment of being evicted.
This became the pattern of our marriage. Even when things began to improve for him, I didn’t mind and was doing it with joy. As a woman, I don’t give him any problems, accord him all the respect he deserves that even my children mock my seemingly fear of him.
I allow his words to be law in the house, ensure the house is ever clean, his meals cooked promptly and his guests well entertained. With each promotion he got, his guest lists became more complex and extensive, which sometimes leaves me with little or no time to do my business.
My children all attend private schools and despite his rise and popularity, I still pick all the bills I have been paying since we got married.
Even our first piece of land, I bought it. The house on it I built it. Not even my children are aware of this fact because all the documents read Mr. and Mrs.
About two years ago, we moved into our second home. I was happy because things were really looking good for him. Besides, I was also beginning to benefit from his popularity. Once people link my name with his, it became easy for me to get things done.
Recently, he was given an appointment, and just when I was about to enjoy the benefits of my labour, I discovered he has another woman in his life. And what more she is expecting his baby.
He didn’t even have the decency to inform me, I got to know from a third source and when I confronted him, he said, he has outgrown me; that I was free to go if I cannot live with his decision.
This new woman is just about five years older than my daughter and from all indices set to even drive me out of my home.
Although my children are determined to fight on my behalf, I feel so betrayed by my husband. Even his parents are disappointed in him.
My mother, her sisters as well as the few friends I have, say I should pack out of the house to avoid the pains of playing second fiddle to this lady he has decided to bring the house after my confrontation.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation at all. Do I just leave because my health is beginning to fail me? The doctors have just diagnosed me as having high blood pressure, a condition, I never had. Worst of all, he didn’t even bother to come to visit me while I was on admission at the family hospital. All he did was to phone.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains! My only offence is that he has outgrown me? I feel like dying. Please help me because I lack the idea of how to approach this matter.
Humiliated Wife.
Dear Humiliated Wife,
Just be patience. There is nothing this attribute cannot conquer; there is nothing new under the sun.
This moment will soon blow over. You feel confused because the heat from this situation is at its peak. Look beyond the high pains of your situation into the calmness that usually follow the pangs of labour. Let your children for now be your source of joy and strength. You will be amazed at how much stay power and support you can get from them. Also, in situation like this, the wisdom of the child is amazing. Their empathy a good calmative, to make you fight whatever health challenge that may want to come as a result of the behaviour of your husband.
All you have to do is to stop thinking of what he has done to giving glory to God for giving you three wonderful children.
Pause and think what it would have been like if you didn’t have a child for him, or that you were having just a particular gender? The fact that another woman is currently carrying his baby would have been enough to send you into an early grave if you were still trusting God to bless you with the fruit of the womb.
Not only do you have children, you are blessed with both genders, so what are you afraid of?
No doubt you have every right to feel bad, but consider everything you did and would do to preserve your marriage as in the ultimate interest of the children.
Fighting your husband or his new wife won’t solve any problem just as packing out of the house isn’t an option. He has already taken his decision. The naked fact is that another woman is pregnant for him and he has brought her home to you; introduced her as his other wife.
So, how would your leaving the house change the situation or be a solution? Is leaving your husband for another woman what you really want? You will only be playing into their hands by leaving your home for her. If there is anybody that should be uncomfortable with the situation, she should be the one. After all, she has been staying in a house until this moment.
Encourage your husband to get a place for her, if it comes to the choice of one of you leaving. Tell him you don’t mind him spending more time with her. Deep down, the lady too may not want to stay in the same house with you, or share a place that holds so much memory of you.
Therefore, what the situation requires is just a little bit of adjustment. Don’t nag or fight him, but let him know that much as you respect his wish for another wife, you will not be pushed out of the home you have invested in almost two decades.
No matter the euphoria of a new wife, he still has a part of you in his memory. You know him more than this new woman, your history together as a couple cannot be replaced by another. It is this knowledge and history you should work on. But it will only work, if you don’t allow bitterness of what he has done to you overshadow you.
You have already been embarrassed, humiliated by his public abandonment of you so a little more degradation won’t make any difference provided at the end of the day, you don’t get kicked out of the home.
This may sound funny, but you have to dig into your own memory bank and come up with something he likes about you; that thing that has been the strength of your marriage all these years. This is the time to use it as a weapon to get him to do your bidding, listen to a workable solution that will still make him appear to be in charge. From my experience, when men get into this tricky situation, male ego and pride force them to carry on in their mistakes.
Don’t forget that you are no longer the only woman in his life. He has to prove to the new comer that he is in charge of his home. This is where regrettable decisions come into a man’s life. But if you don’t openly challenge him, but elect to act as a stupid woman begging to keep her home, he will listen to you.
Even if it hurts you to say it, keep telling him you love him just to make the other woman leave you and your children alone. The fact that you are not fighting him, creating scenes, he will in his sober moment consider your options and give in at the end of the day.
The moment he relocates her from your home, you really don’t have any business with her. She is welcome to have the child just as you will have the peace of mind to re-plan your life and marriage.
Above all, learn to pray because this is the time you need the presence of God more in your life.
Good luck.
Can she end blood oath with first love?
Aghata Edo,08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com
Dear Agatha,
Please help me out, l am dying.
I am a graduate of University of Nigeria, Nsukka. Please, l want you to use your God-given talent to solve this problem.
There is a young lady l fell in love with last year during the end of my service year in last year. In the short time we met, she had told me everything about her. From what she told me, I immediately detected an inherent problem.
According to her, her former boyfriend deceived her into having a blood covenant with him in her first year in the university, when she was 17 years of age.
This guy was in his final year then. He did this out of fear of losing her. However, this hasn’t stopped the man from cheating on her. Apart from the stories she has heard, she also has confirmations of his cheating on her. Because of this, she wants to break the relationship.
Even though the guy still wants to marry her, she has come to the knowledge that blood oath isn’t healthy spiritually and totally against her faith.
So what do you advise us on how to break that covenant?
Emmy.
Dear Emmy,
This is a deliverance case because so many spiritual pollutions accompany blood covenant. Among all the covenants, blood and sex covenants are the ones with the most spiritual consequences.
Since she still has access to the man she went into the covenant with, the problem is half-solved. She should go to the man and discuss the need for them to break the covenant through a deliverance process.
To get him to listen to her, it would be in her interest not to tell him about her change of heart about the relationship. By simply pointing him at the inherent spiritual implications of blood covenant to both of them, especially if either of the parties isn’t faithful to the other, he would listen to her.
She should use the advantage of his unfaithfulness to make him desire the discontinuation of the blood covenant since he is likely to suffer more from any repercussion.
Blood oath is like a double-edged sword. Even if a dating couple ends up getting married, it is still important they break the covenant because blood is the essence of man. It envelops the spiritual mystery of man. Its evaporation from the body signifies the end of life, so God holds it very precious. Nobody has the right to toy with it. That is why the bond between mother and child is eternally strong. When a man and a woman have the burden of a blood covenant between them, the slightest provocation and anger conjures more spiritual problems that it would ordinarily have incurred because, in addition to sex, marriage oath and blood oath was also exchanged.
This explains why some couples die together leaving their children, irrespective of their ages, to map out their lives on their own.
It is important they both realise that the process of breaking the covenant isn’t as easy as that which led to it. While it takes only two people to go into it, it takes more than that number to be completely free from it.
Before approaching him, she should make all necessary arrangements with her spiritual leaders in the church so that they can give her and her former boyfriend all the spiritual support they need to get out of this.
It is only after the oath is broken she should tell him of her decision to discontinue with the relationship.
To protect your relationship from the consequences of this blood oath between your girlfriend and her former boyfriend, it is important you stay away from having sex with her because third parties suffer disappointments as a result of the trauma that characterises the association with them. Even after the deliverance, allow sex to remain in the cupboard until you both get married. You may not find it easy to do, but it pays to wait until the time is ripe.
Help her along with prayers; give her all the encouragement to go through the process because she needs boldness and complete faith in God to undo what she has done.
She may have done it out of ignorance, but it won’t stop the pains of the repercussion from happening.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me out, l am dying.
I am a graduate of University of Nigeria, Nsukka. Please, l want you to use your God-given talent to solve this problem.
There is a young lady l fell in love with last year during the end of my service year in last year. In the short time we met, she had told me everything about her. From what she told me, I immediately detected an inherent problem.
According to her, her former boyfriend deceived her into having a blood covenant with him in her first year in the university, when she was 17 years of age.
This guy was in his final year then. He did this out of fear of losing her. However, this hasn’t stopped the man from cheating on her. Apart from the stories she has heard, she also has confirmations of his cheating on her. Because of this, she wants to break the relationship.
Even though the guy still wants to marry her, she has come to the knowledge that blood oath isn’t healthy spiritually and totally against her faith.
So what do you advise us on how to break that covenant?
Emmy.
Dear Emmy,
This is a deliverance case because so many spiritual pollutions accompany blood covenant. Among all the covenants, blood and sex covenants are the ones with the most spiritual consequences.
Since she still has access to the man she went into the covenant with, the problem is half-solved. She should go to the man and discuss the need for them to break the covenant through a deliverance process.
To get him to listen to her, it would be in her interest not to tell him about her change of heart about the relationship. By simply pointing him at the inherent spiritual implications of blood covenant to both of them, especially if either of the parties isn’t faithful to the other, he would listen to her.
She should use the advantage of his unfaithfulness to make him desire the discontinuation of the blood covenant since he is likely to suffer more from any repercussion.
Blood oath is like a double-edged sword. Even if a dating couple ends up getting married, it is still important they break the covenant because blood is the essence of man. It envelops the spiritual mystery of man. Its evaporation from the body signifies the end of life, so God holds it very precious. Nobody has the right to toy with it. That is why the bond between mother and child is eternally strong. When a man and a woman have the burden of a blood covenant between them, the slightest provocation and anger conjures more spiritual problems that it would ordinarily have incurred because, in addition to sex, marriage oath and blood oath was also exchanged.
This explains why some couples die together leaving their children, irrespective of their ages, to map out their lives on their own.
It is important they both realise that the process of breaking the covenant isn’t as easy as that which led to it. While it takes only two people to go into it, it takes more than that number to be completely free from it.
Before approaching him, she should make all necessary arrangements with her spiritual leaders in the church so that they can give her and her former boyfriend all the spiritual support they need to get out of this.
It is only after the oath is broken she should tell him of her decision to discontinue with the relationship.
To protect your relationship from the consequences of this blood oath between your girlfriend and her former boyfriend, it is important you stay away from having sex with her because third parties suffer disappointments as a result of the trauma that characterises the association with them. Even after the deliverance, allow sex to remain in the cupboard until you both get married. You may not find it easy to do, but it pays to wait until the time is ripe.
Help her along with prayers; give her all the encouragement to go through the process because she needs boldness and complete faith in God to undo what she has done.
She may have done it out of ignorance, but it won’t stop the pains of the repercussion from happening.
Good luck.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I’m in love with my girlfriend’s mum…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about one year now. In December I decided to meet her family for the first time.
I know, from our conversation, that her mother is a divorcee for close to two decades, and that she was responsible for the welfare of her children.
From my girlfriend’s accounts of her mother’s struggles, I expected her to be middle-aged. But I was almost taking her for my girlfriend’s elder sister when I finally got to meet with her.
Without any form of make-up, she was extremely beautiful. This is the kind of woman you know immediately owes her beauty to God and not to beauty products.
Needless to say I was captivated by her so much so I just wanted to sit and stare at her. I found myself staying till very late evening. I just wanted to be near her.
At that time, I didn’t know what it was I felt for her, but as the days went by I discovered I was thinking more of the mother than the daughter. Gradually, I began to notice flaws I didn’t know existed in my girlfriend, seeing her as childish and not good enough for me.
I know this may sound outrageous, but I am fallen deeply in love with my girlfriend’s mother. It isn’t the kind of crazy urge to possess her, but something much deeper than that. I just want to be near her, loving her, doing things for her and deriving happiness being near her.
It is crazy, I agree, but everyday I see her, which is often these days, since I find all sorts of funny excuses to visit my girlfriend in her house. She is overjoyed thinking it is a sign that I have finally made up my mind to marry her.
To be truthful with you, Agatha, I don’t feel anything anymore for my girlfriend. Even if I don’t end up with the mother, I won’t go any further with her or any younger lady. I am beginning to realise that I find older women more attractive and mature.
A friend of mine I told about my feelings for my girlfriend’s mother, advised me to stop visiting, that it was too dangerous for everyone concerned but I simply cannot stop. I crave everyday to hear her voice, see her smile, take in the smell of her perfume and just be near her. Sometimes, I find myself calling her just to get relieve from speaking with her on the phone.
It all so crazy that during the last Valentine’s Day, I insisted that we stayed at home with her.
Please, Agatha, how do I handle my twin problems: ending my relationship with my girlfriend and declaring my love for her mother? I am really in love with her. I am 30, my girlfriend is 28, and she is 55 years of age. Am I weird?
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
There is nothing in the law books that prohibits a younger man from falling in love with an older woman. This is because love can happen in an unexpected place. But it isn’t every love we feel is right or permitted to happen. Along life’s journey, we would come across different kinds of love, what makes us human and accountable is our ability to fight against feelings considered unreasonable.
For love to be beautiful and rewarding, it has to be responsible and premised on reality. That is why a lot of people don’t subscribe to love being blind.
It is the reality aspect of love that prevents sane people from falling in love with insane people, no matter how beautiful or handsome. No matter the power of love would make a sane person bring home an insane person from the street as his or her object of love. Just as the responsibility aspect of love frowns at what you are about to do to your girlfriend. The woman in question is her mother.
No matter how or what you feel for this woman, reality and responsibility demand that you should put as much distance between you and this woman.
In the first instance, she is the mother of your girlfriend, not a woman you can afford to mess with. She is being receptive towards you because you are her daughter’s boyfriend and one she hopes will one day become her son-in-law.
Being a single mother who has struggled to train her children and make them whom they are now, she is naturally expecting them to settle into their own homes. If her daughter is 28 and you 30, she could easily be your own mother. Therefore you owe it to yourself to discipline your feelings, no matter how strong they are.
You will be destroying a lot of things in that family if you make the mistake of breathing the word out. It won’t be just about you any more, but about everything that woman has struggled to put together all these years on her own.
By your declaration and feelings, you would forever create a whole set of problems between mother and daughter. From the day you dump the daughter for your attraction for the mother, you plant a permanent seed of hatred from the daughter to the mother. There is nothing the mother would do or say will ever make her trust her mother again.
At that point, it won’t matter to her whether her mother is in the know or not, what would be upper most in her mind is that her mother has betrayed her. She will never be able to forgive or forget that fact that her boyfriend she brought home dumped her because he fell in love with her mother.
In addition, to destroying a family, this woman has carefully put together, you will be exposing her to the ridicule of those who have never wished her well. This is because jealousy would make the daughter say things she isn’t supposed to utter to people she would ordinarily not talk to about her mother.
If you really love this woman, don’t say anything to her or her daughter. Since you have come to the conclusion that you are no longer in love with your girlfriend, stick to that fact. You could say you have found yourself a woman with a more mature mind than hers.
And please in the interest of all concerned, stop going to the house or calling her. Even if your girlfriend’s mother calls you to ask what the problem is, tell her that you have found someone else; that you have realised that if you marry her daughter, both of you will never be happy as a couple.
If you can, move away from the two of them. Ask for transfer if possible to a place you can start all over again. By the time you put a good distance between you and these women, your emotional recovery will be quicker than if you stay around where you will be constantly reminded of them.
One of the reasons you have fallen so hard for her is because you get to see her too often. Give yourself a chance to fall in love with the right woman, one whose love will never make you look at another woman.
The important lesson you should take away from all these is, only a woman with a mature mind will really make you happy in life. So next time, look for the woman who has that maternal quality, who is almost natural and has a wise and mature heart. Deep inside you, you want a woman with these kinds of qualities for you to come home to. This is the hidden message in all these.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about one year now. In December I decided to meet her family for the first time.
I know, from our conversation, that her mother is a divorcee for close to two decades, and that she was responsible for the welfare of her children.
From my girlfriend’s accounts of her mother’s struggles, I expected her to be middle-aged. But I was almost taking her for my girlfriend’s elder sister when I finally got to meet with her.
Without any form of make-up, she was extremely beautiful. This is the kind of woman you know immediately owes her beauty to God and not to beauty products.
Needless to say I was captivated by her so much so I just wanted to sit and stare at her. I found myself staying till very late evening. I just wanted to be near her.
At that time, I didn’t know what it was I felt for her, but as the days went by I discovered I was thinking more of the mother than the daughter. Gradually, I began to notice flaws I didn’t know existed in my girlfriend, seeing her as childish and not good enough for me.
I know this may sound outrageous, but I am fallen deeply in love with my girlfriend’s mother. It isn’t the kind of crazy urge to possess her, but something much deeper than that. I just want to be near her, loving her, doing things for her and deriving happiness being near her.
It is crazy, I agree, but everyday I see her, which is often these days, since I find all sorts of funny excuses to visit my girlfriend in her house. She is overjoyed thinking it is a sign that I have finally made up my mind to marry her.
To be truthful with you, Agatha, I don’t feel anything anymore for my girlfriend. Even if I don’t end up with the mother, I won’t go any further with her or any younger lady. I am beginning to realise that I find older women more attractive and mature.
A friend of mine I told about my feelings for my girlfriend’s mother, advised me to stop visiting, that it was too dangerous for everyone concerned but I simply cannot stop. I crave everyday to hear her voice, see her smile, take in the smell of her perfume and just be near her. Sometimes, I find myself calling her just to get relieve from speaking with her on the phone.
It all so crazy that during the last Valentine’s Day, I insisted that we stayed at home with her.
Please, Agatha, how do I handle my twin problems: ending my relationship with my girlfriend and declaring my love for her mother? I am really in love with her. I am 30, my girlfriend is 28, and she is 55 years of age. Am I weird?
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
There is nothing in the law books that prohibits a younger man from falling in love with an older woman. This is because love can happen in an unexpected place. But it isn’t every love we feel is right or permitted to happen. Along life’s journey, we would come across different kinds of love, what makes us human and accountable is our ability to fight against feelings considered unreasonable.
For love to be beautiful and rewarding, it has to be responsible and premised on reality. That is why a lot of people don’t subscribe to love being blind.
It is the reality aspect of love that prevents sane people from falling in love with insane people, no matter how beautiful or handsome. No matter the power of love would make a sane person bring home an insane person from the street as his or her object of love. Just as the responsibility aspect of love frowns at what you are about to do to your girlfriend. The woman in question is her mother.
No matter how or what you feel for this woman, reality and responsibility demand that you should put as much distance between you and this woman.
In the first instance, she is the mother of your girlfriend, not a woman you can afford to mess with. She is being receptive towards you because you are her daughter’s boyfriend and one she hopes will one day become her son-in-law.
Being a single mother who has struggled to train her children and make them whom they are now, she is naturally expecting them to settle into their own homes. If her daughter is 28 and you 30, she could easily be your own mother. Therefore you owe it to yourself to discipline your feelings, no matter how strong they are.
You will be destroying a lot of things in that family if you make the mistake of breathing the word out. It won’t be just about you any more, but about everything that woman has struggled to put together all these years on her own.
By your declaration and feelings, you would forever create a whole set of problems between mother and daughter. From the day you dump the daughter for your attraction for the mother, you plant a permanent seed of hatred from the daughter to the mother. There is nothing the mother would do or say will ever make her trust her mother again.
At that point, it won’t matter to her whether her mother is in the know or not, what would be upper most in her mind is that her mother has betrayed her. She will never be able to forgive or forget that fact that her boyfriend she brought home dumped her because he fell in love with her mother.
In addition, to destroying a family, this woman has carefully put together, you will be exposing her to the ridicule of those who have never wished her well. This is because jealousy would make the daughter say things she isn’t supposed to utter to people she would ordinarily not talk to about her mother.
If you really love this woman, don’t say anything to her or her daughter. Since you have come to the conclusion that you are no longer in love with your girlfriend, stick to that fact. You could say you have found yourself a woman with a more mature mind than hers.
And please in the interest of all concerned, stop going to the house or calling her. Even if your girlfriend’s mother calls you to ask what the problem is, tell her that you have found someone else; that you have realised that if you marry her daughter, both of you will never be happy as a couple.
If you can, move away from the two of them. Ask for transfer if possible to a place you can start all over again. By the time you put a good distance between you and these women, your emotional recovery will be quicker than if you stay around where you will be constantly reminded of them.
One of the reasons you have fallen so hard for her is because you get to see her too often. Give yourself a chance to fall in love with the right woman, one whose love will never make you look at another woman.
The important lesson you should take away from all these is, only a woman with a mature mind will really make you happy in life. So next time, look for the woman who has that maternal quality, who is almost natural and has a wise and mature heart. Deep inside you, you want a woman with these kinds of qualities for you to come home to. This is the hidden message in all these.
Good luck.
How do I get her amidst all her male admires?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
How do I get her amidst all her male admires?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
I am pregnant for my first cousin
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I need help with my situation. I grew up with my mother who after her bitter divorce from my father, decided against having anything to do with him or his family members. The result is that I know next to nothing about my father’s family.
This is to be expected because I am 28 and my mother left when I was only five years of age.
She never remarried because of the bitter experience with my father and his family members.
I naturally became her passion and reason for living. In fairness to her, she is one of the most disciplined women I know. I say this with all sense of responsibility. Till date, I cannot point to the man my mother is dating even though I know she is in a relationship. That is the amount of respect she has for my feelings.
And if she has any reason to be away, she tells me where she is and how to get her. And this is only a recent development. She says I am now old enough to understand some things about life and human nature.
Somewhere along the line, I also met and fell in love with one of the nicest men around.
Caring, devoted and articulate, I fell deeply. Without planning it, I became prergnant. Since we both wanted to get married as soon as possible, we decided to keep the pregnancy. He took me to meet his mother who instantly gave us her blessings. She spoke with my mother on the phone and they agreed on when the introduction would be as well as what they both wanted.
It was not until, on the introduction day, we discovered that my husband-to-be and I are actually first cousins. Unknown to both of us, his mother happens to be my father’s immediate elder sister.
Naturally, the ceremony couldn’t hold. The issue now is my pregnancy which is entering its fourth month.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to kill myself as well as my mother whose actions caused all these for me.
If she had forgiven my father for his mistake all these years, I wouldn’t have found myself in this mess.
What do you advice? I am scared of abortions because I have been warned by my doctor during my last abortion not to attempt it again.
The whole thing is so confusing. My father too is begging both my mother and I to forgive him; that he has since realised his mistakes and have been looking everywhere for both of us.
Everything is so confusing, Agatha. If I have this baby, will I ever be able to love it? Will the baby not be constant reminder of a shame I want to put in my past? And what do I tell the baby in future about its paternity?
Please help me.
Fatima.
Dear Fatima,
It is very dicey. But first things first, there is the need for the entire family to urgently meet and decide on the pregnancy. Every second counts. Being your first cousin, there is no way both of you can get married but the family has to take a decision on the baby.
Sad as this may sound, you really don’t have a choice but to keep it if medical opinions say it is dangerous for you to go through the process of abortion. For now, your life is what counts, not what people would say or the fact of history that you are pregnant for your first cousin.
Nothing or situation is more important than your life. Just bear in mind that you won’t be the first woman to find yourself in this kind of situation neither would you be the last.
Stranger things have been known to happen to people in life. Besides, what happened wasn’t of your own making. It is so painful that you are being made to pay for the bitterness and pains of your parents.
Nothing you say or do now can erase the past. The past and future is what you now face.
Although in Nigeria, our culture doesn’t support giving baby up adoption, still you can have the baby and leave it with your mother to care for while you pursue your own life.
There is always a better life waiting at the end of every painful mistake or situation. At the time you both conceived the baby, you were in love so the baby cannot be a product of a shameful act. You had every intention to marry the father, of giving it a legitimate life. If you see the baby as your joy, you will never regret having it. But if you allow the environment and people to dictate how you treat your baby, you will never have the right kind of love to give it.
Even if the law sees it as out of place, at this point, it is too late to do anything about it.
The heart of a mother is a loving one. Give your baby that side of your heart. Regard your cousin as any other man. Remember, you didn’t grow up within the family. For almost three decades, you knew nothing about them; only got to know them some few weeks ago.
They have never been part of your life so no one, including your child can blame you or call you names.
Frankly, you are blameless in all these.
Your parents and your father’s family are to blame. Had your father or his family taken the ideal step of looking for you irrespective of what happened between their son and your mother, you would have known that the man in your life is related to you.
Worrying about what you would tell your child in the future isn’t the immediate concern. Time will take care of that. As long as the child is given all the love needed to be secured in life, the circumstances of the birth won’t do much damage to your relationship as the mother.
Besides, no matter how bad a situation is, there is always a positive side. At least, you are meeting your lost father after all these years. That he is begging you and your mother for forgiveness underscores his need of you and your mother. So why burden yourself with trading blames? You don’t need that negative emotions now. From your account, your mother, she is a very responsible woman. Unforgiving but responsible. As you grow up in life and experiences you will come to know that certain pains never go away.
Fortunately, our God doesn’t do things without a reason. Something tells me this drama may not end in pains and sorrow for you.
Learn to trust in God the more. Don’t worry about what you on your own, cannot change rather, turn it over to Him, who has the power to erase our mistakes.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I need help with my situation. I grew up with my mother who after her bitter divorce from my father, decided against having anything to do with him or his family members. The result is that I know next to nothing about my father’s family.
This is to be expected because I am 28 and my mother left when I was only five years of age.
She never remarried because of the bitter experience with my father and his family members.
I naturally became her passion and reason for living. In fairness to her, she is one of the most disciplined women I know. I say this with all sense of responsibility. Till date, I cannot point to the man my mother is dating even though I know she is in a relationship. That is the amount of respect she has for my feelings.
And if she has any reason to be away, she tells me where she is and how to get her. And this is only a recent development. She says I am now old enough to understand some things about life and human nature.
Somewhere along the line, I also met and fell in love with one of the nicest men around.
Caring, devoted and articulate, I fell deeply. Without planning it, I became prergnant. Since we both wanted to get married as soon as possible, we decided to keep the pregnancy. He took me to meet his mother who instantly gave us her blessings. She spoke with my mother on the phone and they agreed on when the introduction would be as well as what they both wanted.
It was not until, on the introduction day, we discovered that my husband-to-be and I are actually first cousins. Unknown to both of us, his mother happens to be my father’s immediate elder sister.
Naturally, the ceremony couldn’t hold. The issue now is my pregnancy which is entering its fourth month.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to kill myself as well as my mother whose actions caused all these for me.
If she had forgiven my father for his mistake all these years, I wouldn’t have found myself in this mess.
What do you advice? I am scared of abortions because I have been warned by my doctor during my last abortion not to attempt it again.
The whole thing is so confusing. My father too is begging both my mother and I to forgive him; that he has since realised his mistakes and have been looking everywhere for both of us.
Everything is so confusing, Agatha. If I have this baby, will I ever be able to love it? Will the baby not be constant reminder of a shame I want to put in my past? And what do I tell the baby in future about its paternity?
Please help me.
Fatima.
Dear Fatima,
It is very dicey. But first things first, there is the need for the entire family to urgently meet and decide on the pregnancy. Every second counts. Being your first cousin, there is no way both of you can get married but the family has to take a decision on the baby.
Sad as this may sound, you really don’t have a choice but to keep it if medical opinions say it is dangerous for you to go through the process of abortion. For now, your life is what counts, not what people would say or the fact of history that you are pregnant for your first cousin.
Nothing or situation is more important than your life. Just bear in mind that you won’t be the first woman to find yourself in this kind of situation neither would you be the last.
Stranger things have been known to happen to people in life. Besides, what happened wasn’t of your own making. It is so painful that you are being made to pay for the bitterness and pains of your parents.
Nothing you say or do now can erase the past. The past and future is what you now face.
Although in Nigeria, our culture doesn’t support giving baby up adoption, still you can have the baby and leave it with your mother to care for while you pursue your own life.
There is always a better life waiting at the end of every painful mistake or situation. At the time you both conceived the baby, you were in love so the baby cannot be a product of a shameful act. You had every intention to marry the father, of giving it a legitimate life. If you see the baby as your joy, you will never regret having it. But if you allow the environment and people to dictate how you treat your baby, you will never have the right kind of love to give it.
Even if the law sees it as out of place, at this point, it is too late to do anything about it.
The heart of a mother is a loving one. Give your baby that side of your heart. Regard your cousin as any other man. Remember, you didn’t grow up within the family. For almost three decades, you knew nothing about them; only got to know them some few weeks ago.
They have never been part of your life so no one, including your child can blame you or call you names.
Frankly, you are blameless in all these.
Your parents and your father’s family are to blame. Had your father or his family taken the ideal step of looking for you irrespective of what happened between their son and your mother, you would have known that the man in your life is related to you.
Worrying about what you would tell your child in the future isn’t the immediate concern. Time will take care of that. As long as the child is given all the love needed to be secured in life, the circumstances of the birth won’t do much damage to your relationship as the mother.
Besides, no matter how bad a situation is, there is always a positive side. At least, you are meeting your lost father after all these years. That he is begging you and your mother for forgiveness underscores his need of you and your mother. So why burden yourself with trading blames? You don’t need that negative emotions now. From your account, your mother, she is a very responsible woman. Unforgiving but responsible. As you grow up in life and experiences you will come to know that certain pains never go away.
Fortunately, our God doesn’t do things without a reason. Something tells me this drama may not end in pains and sorrow for you.
Learn to trust in God the more. Don’t worry about what you on your own, cannot change rather, turn it over to Him, who has the power to erase our mistakes.
Good luck.
Men confuse me
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age. My problem is that I find it difficult to make up my mind about boys coming to me for a relationship.
Agatha, how do I know a particular man is good for me. It is really affecting me.
Please help me.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
At your age, it is natural to feel confused about requests from both boys and men. This has to do with the fact that you really havent given a thought to what you want from life.
At this stage, your only concern is to be the centre of attraction of men. It goes beyond being the toast of men to knowing what you want from life. At every stage in your life as a woman, you need first to plan your life, have a focus and situate your dream along side the kind of men coming your way.
Without this, there is no knowing how a particular man can help you grow or perish your dream.
Therefore, the first thing is to have a clear picture of who you are. Once you know the things that are most important to you in life, you will be able to recognise that special quality in a man that will measure up to your needs in life.
For every man that comes your way, look out for the one who has your interest at heart. By interest, I don’t mean in your body but your mind, well-being and dreams.
More than anything else, a man must appreciate that you have a dream separate from his, the kind that enables you to perform and function in your full capacity first as a human being.
Any man who doesn’t appreciate your essential quality, as an individual, will never be able to give you the kind of respect and happiness that enhances a relationship.
But, this kind of quality isn’t what you see at first contact. Therefore you must train yourself to look beyond what he looks like, how rich or poor or his social status.
A lot of things can really go wrong in a relationship or in the life of a person if paired with the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.
Every relationship has a potential provided those in it know what they are doing.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age. My problem is that I find it difficult to make up my mind about boys coming to me for a relationship.
Agatha, how do I know a particular man is good for me. It is really affecting me.
Please help me.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
At your age, it is natural to feel confused about requests from both boys and men. This has to do with the fact that you really havent given a thought to what you want from life.
At this stage, your only concern is to be the centre of attraction of men. It goes beyond being the toast of men to knowing what you want from life. At every stage in your life as a woman, you need first to plan your life, have a focus and situate your dream along side the kind of men coming your way.
Without this, there is no knowing how a particular man can help you grow or perish your dream.
Therefore, the first thing is to have a clear picture of who you are. Once you know the things that are most important to you in life, you will be able to recognise that special quality in a man that will measure up to your needs in life.
For every man that comes your way, look out for the one who has your interest at heart. By interest, I don’t mean in your body but your mind, well-being and dreams.
More than anything else, a man must appreciate that you have a dream separate from his, the kind that enables you to perform and function in your full capacity first as a human being.
Any man who doesn’t appreciate your essential quality, as an individual, will never be able to give you the kind of respect and happiness that enhances a relationship.
But, this kind of quality isn’t what you see at first contact. Therefore you must train yourself to look beyond what he looks like, how rich or poor or his social status.
A lot of things can really go wrong in a relationship or in the life of a person if paired with the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.
Every relationship has a potential provided those in it know what they are doing.
Good luck.
Can she faithfully stay married?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
For the past four years, I’ve been an ardent reader of your column and I draw lessons from your wise counsels.
I trust that you will be of help to me. I am 30, met this girl November last year. I know I love her enough to make her my wife.
Her love is not also in doubt as she has been so caring and supportive morally and financially. I don’t have parents and currently on my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).
I am skillful and industrious, but my problem now is to raise the money for marriage rites as she is also about going for her youth service.
I am determined to do this before she leaves for her service year, because I don’t want to lose her. She is used to a life of luxury provided by various men. She opted for this kind of lifestyle as a result of the many disappointments she encountered in relationships she invested her heart and resources in.
Agatha, do you think she can change completely and become a faithful wife? For now, she is showing positive signs and my people love her.
Please what do you advise?
Didi.
Dear Didi,
There is nobody that cannot change for good. Many a time, we are what we are as results of our experiences, challenges and the kind of environments we find ourselves. It also comes from the kinds of people and advice we get when we are confronted by problems.
The only thing you need to be sure she is going to stay faithful to you is her determination; which is the fuel every quest for change needs to make real.
Telling you her past is to explain why she is who she has become as well as a silent plea for you to treat her well.
If she liked her former lifestyle, she won’t tell you anything about this past or even agree to give you the kind of support she has been giving you. That itself speaks volume of her kind of person. Given the right kind of attention and care, she has what it takes to support a man to success.
Not every woman who has suffered multiple emotional disappointments like her would willingly give her money and heart to any man. Most women who suffer her kind of emotional disappointments end up becoming bitter and out on a revenge mission against any man that come their way.
That she is able to recover and trust in love again should make you comfortable around her. It shows that she has some positive qualities wise men look out for in a woman.
Rather than waste time nurturing fears about her, devote time to reassuring her of your love and sincerity of purpose. Every relationship needs plenty dose of trust to overcome the concomitant challenges of two people coming together to make a life and home.
You cannot move this relationship forward or stretch it to its full potentials if you don’t delete from your mind her past life. To continue to dwell on the possibility of her going back to her past life is to dwarf the growth of your relationship.
However, this isn’t to say you cannot discuss your fears with her. By all means sit her down to share your apprehension for the future. But make it clear that your concern comes from fear of losing the one you have discovered is priceless to you.
In reality, she is the one that should be nursing fears about you. She is not only taking a risk giving her heart to you, but also taking a chance with her money.
She is doing this because to an extent she knows that your love for her is real, not based on what you can get from her.
All you need is her assurance that she is yours. Even if you find the money to perform some sorts of marital rites on her, she still won’t stay if her mind isn’t made up about you.
Every relationship needs breathing space to avoid chocking. She needs freedom to give you her best; evolve to the kind of woman that will give you complete happiness. Your kind of woman will only emerge if you have the confidence required to make her give to you unconditionally.
Insisting you want to perform some marriage rites before she goes for her national youth service is telling her that you don’t trust her. Honestly, if you don’t make the efforts to allow her past remain exactly there, you will be sending out wrong signals to her by your actions.
Besides, as a man, you need to establish yourself before thinking of marriage. This is what would give you the respect and authority of the man in the house. That she supported you while in school doesn’t mean it is something you must continue to allow her to do.
To do that is to set a pattern in your marriage that you will later regret. The dignity of every man is in his ability to provide for the home. Even if she is to support you, you as the man must take the lead.
Above and beyond, marriage requires more planning and attention you are giving to it. As a man the act shouldn’t not come before the planning. If you struggle to get the money to finance the ceremony, what about the logistic of where you and your wife would stay, and eat? Are you going to feed her on love only?
The real threat to your relationship won’t come from her past, but from your failure to put the right structures in place first.
For now be contented with her attempts to change for good. Your major concern now should be how you would take the lead in the relationship.
You say you are industrious and skilled. What are your plans to become self-sufficient? Do you plan to work for someone or establish your own business? This is the time you have to make all the plans for your financial comfort later in life.
If she happens to get pregnant now, how do you intend to fend for her and the baby given the fact that you are finding it difficult to raise money for the cheapest task of getting married? The expense of fending for a child doesn’t come cheap because babies want to be fed when hungry, changed when diapers are wet or soiled, given the right clothes to wear when the whether demands of it. Babies are very insensitive to hunger and any form of management. What more, not all babies come as planned. Some just come even when every precaution has been taken to prevent their arrival. Do you have plans or resources to attend to this kind of human being?
No mother, no matter how deeply in love with her husband can withstand the hunger or discomfort of her child. Once this kind of situation comes up, a mother not only becomes angry with her man but also ready to do anything to make her child comfortable.
Sincerely, this is why every man must first pay special attention to economic viability when considering marriage than emotional reasoning. Every marriage needs some level of comfort, no matter how minute to be happy.
Towards this end, work towards a financial base that will give you some comfort and respect first as a man.
As long as you are truthful with her regarding your plans, you have no reason to be afraid.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
For the past four years, I’ve been an ardent reader of your column and I draw lessons from your wise counsels.
I trust that you will be of help to me. I am 30, met this girl November last year. I know I love her enough to make her my wife.
Her love is not also in doubt as she has been so caring and supportive morally and financially. I don’t have parents and currently on my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).
I am skillful and industrious, but my problem now is to raise the money for marriage rites as she is also about going for her youth service.
I am determined to do this before she leaves for her service year, because I don’t want to lose her. She is used to a life of luxury provided by various men. She opted for this kind of lifestyle as a result of the many disappointments she encountered in relationships she invested her heart and resources in.
Agatha, do you think she can change completely and become a faithful wife? For now, she is showing positive signs and my people love her.
Please what do you advise?
Didi.
Dear Didi,
There is nobody that cannot change for good. Many a time, we are what we are as results of our experiences, challenges and the kind of environments we find ourselves. It also comes from the kinds of people and advice we get when we are confronted by problems.
The only thing you need to be sure she is going to stay faithful to you is her determination; which is the fuel every quest for change needs to make real.
Telling you her past is to explain why she is who she has become as well as a silent plea for you to treat her well.
If she liked her former lifestyle, she won’t tell you anything about this past or even agree to give you the kind of support she has been giving you. That itself speaks volume of her kind of person. Given the right kind of attention and care, she has what it takes to support a man to success.
Not every woman who has suffered multiple emotional disappointments like her would willingly give her money and heart to any man. Most women who suffer her kind of emotional disappointments end up becoming bitter and out on a revenge mission against any man that come their way.
That she is able to recover and trust in love again should make you comfortable around her. It shows that she has some positive qualities wise men look out for in a woman.
Rather than waste time nurturing fears about her, devote time to reassuring her of your love and sincerity of purpose. Every relationship needs plenty dose of trust to overcome the concomitant challenges of two people coming together to make a life and home.
You cannot move this relationship forward or stretch it to its full potentials if you don’t delete from your mind her past life. To continue to dwell on the possibility of her going back to her past life is to dwarf the growth of your relationship.
However, this isn’t to say you cannot discuss your fears with her. By all means sit her down to share your apprehension for the future. But make it clear that your concern comes from fear of losing the one you have discovered is priceless to you.
In reality, she is the one that should be nursing fears about you. She is not only taking a risk giving her heart to you, but also taking a chance with her money.
She is doing this because to an extent she knows that your love for her is real, not based on what you can get from her.
All you need is her assurance that she is yours. Even if you find the money to perform some sorts of marital rites on her, she still won’t stay if her mind isn’t made up about you.
Every relationship needs breathing space to avoid chocking. She needs freedom to give you her best; evolve to the kind of woman that will give you complete happiness. Your kind of woman will only emerge if you have the confidence required to make her give to you unconditionally.
Insisting you want to perform some marriage rites before she goes for her national youth service is telling her that you don’t trust her. Honestly, if you don’t make the efforts to allow her past remain exactly there, you will be sending out wrong signals to her by your actions.
Besides, as a man, you need to establish yourself before thinking of marriage. This is what would give you the respect and authority of the man in the house. That she supported you while in school doesn’t mean it is something you must continue to allow her to do.
To do that is to set a pattern in your marriage that you will later regret. The dignity of every man is in his ability to provide for the home. Even if she is to support you, you as the man must take the lead.
Above and beyond, marriage requires more planning and attention you are giving to it. As a man the act shouldn’t not come before the planning. If you struggle to get the money to finance the ceremony, what about the logistic of where you and your wife would stay, and eat? Are you going to feed her on love only?
The real threat to your relationship won’t come from her past, but from your failure to put the right structures in place first.
For now be contented with her attempts to change for good. Your major concern now should be how you would take the lead in the relationship.
You say you are industrious and skilled. What are your plans to become self-sufficient? Do you plan to work for someone or establish your own business? This is the time you have to make all the plans for your financial comfort later in life.
If she happens to get pregnant now, how do you intend to fend for her and the baby given the fact that you are finding it difficult to raise money for the cheapest task of getting married? The expense of fending for a child doesn’t come cheap because babies want to be fed when hungry, changed when diapers are wet or soiled, given the right clothes to wear when the whether demands of it. Babies are very insensitive to hunger and any form of management. What more, not all babies come as planned. Some just come even when every precaution has been taken to prevent their arrival. Do you have plans or resources to attend to this kind of human being?
No mother, no matter how deeply in love with her husband can withstand the hunger or discomfort of her child. Once this kind of situation comes up, a mother not only becomes angry with her man but also ready to do anything to make her child comfortable.
Sincerely, this is why every man must first pay special attention to economic viability when considering marriage than emotional reasoning. Every marriage needs some level of comfort, no matter how minute to be happy.
Towards this end, work towards a financial base that will give you some comfort and respect first as a man.
As long as you are truthful with her regarding your plans, you have no reason to be afraid.
Good luck.
Should our love relations end now?
Agatha Edo, 08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com
Dear Agatha,
May the Almighty God give you more wisdom for the good work you are doing.
I am 28 years of age while my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and four months and we are very much in love with each other. Although we are from the same state, live in the same state, we live in different towns.
I only get to see her at weekends when she either comes to visit me or I go to her. I practically know all her friends including those ones that live off campus.
We have been very happy together until recently when I went to visit her and met a female friend in her room at 9:30 p.m.
After staying a while, I left the room and she quickly followed me. Outside she told me her friend would be passing the night in her room. Since I came to be with her, I was irritated by this information and told her the arrangement did not go down well with me since it would prevent any privacy between us.
To underscore my annoyance, I told her I would be going back to town since my aim of coming was defeated. She thought I was bluffing since it was already too late for me to get any vehicle back to town.
Agatha, I had to pass the night at the Police Station since there was no vehicle back to town and no other place I could go that night.
She called later to find out where I was and became very angry when I told her of my decision to take shelter at a Police Station when I couldn’t get any vehicle back to town.
When I called her the next day from my house to tell her I had got home, she told me to return all her pictures and other items with me. I was very disappointment by her reactions but I still went to her but without the pictures.
In response to my query, she said she said those things out of annoyance for my decision to sleep at the Police Station leaving her and her friend in the house. We were however able to settle the disagreement.
Agatha, from what I have narrated, who was at fault? Let assume for the sake argument I was wrong, is that enough reason for her to demand I return her pictures and other items with me?
I love this girl so much, but how can I be sure this will not repeat itself in future if I do anything wrong? Advise me whether to quit or what measures I should take because I would not want to regret my action in future.
I am so confused please help me.
Law.
Dear Law,
You are both guilty of immaturity. Even if she didn’t discuss the need for her friend to pass the night at her place with you, you still should have handled the matter with maturity.
Social courtesy demanded you listened to her explanation and reasoned it out with her. Yes, you came to be with her but what harm would have resulted in you accommodating the friend of your girlfriend that night? You acted selfishly and unreasonably by walking out on them. It didn’t present you to her or the friend as a reasonable man or one who is friendly.
Even if you came to have sex with your girlfriend, that one-night abstinence wouldn’t have caused you any major harm.
Besides, it was foolhardy of you to have left in the middle of the night all because you couldn’t have your way of spending the night with your girlfriend. What if something terrible had happened? What would be your excuse? That you died a needless death because of sex?
Agreed she was wrong to have taken the decision to shelter her friend that night without consulting you first, more so, as she was expecting you that day, you didn’t have to leave if for nothing, for the sake of your safety.
A lot of things could have gone wrong and she would easily have become the prime suspect of people who are in the know that you went to visit her.
No amount of provocation is worth compromising one’s life for.
Again, love means sharing. If you love her, you would also consider her feelings. How do you expect her or that friend to feel when you walked out on them?
To be candid, your attitude was embarrassing and full of provocations. Even if you didn’t mean to, you made her feel the only thing you were interested in her was sex.
Your decision to sleep in the Police Station instead of her room and her friend in safety of her room may have made her so angry and loathsome of you. Her reactions were perfectly normal but asking you to return her pictures and other things with her were childish.
But that doesn’t mean she loves you less. It is just her way of showing disapproval.
From what has happened, it is obvious you both still have a long way to go. Your relationship is obviously deficient in so many things. Love doesn’t form simply by expressing it through the words of the mouth alone. It is something you both must devote all your energy and time to make it work. You both must resolve to take this relationship out of the bedroom into the open air where it would be possible for you to each learn what makes the other tick. You have to study your tolerance levels, your ideals, understand your need of each other beyond the thrills of sex, know how to become friends with each other as well as appreciating the uniqueness that make you both different from everybody else. Love is a huge willingness to sacrifice yourself for your partner.
Unless you devote time to know the real and important sides of each other, this relationship may not last because values you both need to succeed as an item are still missing.
Importantly, you should pray for wisdom and maturity to be able to govern your home successfully.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
May the Almighty God give you more wisdom for the good work you are doing.
I am 28 years of age while my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and four months and we are very much in love with each other. Although we are from the same state, live in the same state, we live in different towns.
I only get to see her at weekends when she either comes to visit me or I go to her. I practically know all her friends including those ones that live off campus.
We have been very happy together until recently when I went to visit her and met a female friend in her room at 9:30 p.m.
After staying a while, I left the room and she quickly followed me. Outside she told me her friend would be passing the night in her room. Since I came to be with her, I was irritated by this information and told her the arrangement did not go down well with me since it would prevent any privacy between us.
To underscore my annoyance, I told her I would be going back to town since my aim of coming was defeated. She thought I was bluffing since it was already too late for me to get any vehicle back to town.
Agatha, I had to pass the night at the Police Station since there was no vehicle back to town and no other place I could go that night.
She called later to find out where I was and became very angry when I told her of my decision to take shelter at a Police Station when I couldn’t get any vehicle back to town.
When I called her the next day from my house to tell her I had got home, she told me to return all her pictures and other items with me. I was very disappointment by her reactions but I still went to her but without the pictures.
In response to my query, she said she said those things out of annoyance for my decision to sleep at the Police Station leaving her and her friend in the house. We were however able to settle the disagreement.
Agatha, from what I have narrated, who was at fault? Let assume for the sake argument I was wrong, is that enough reason for her to demand I return her pictures and other items with me?
I love this girl so much, but how can I be sure this will not repeat itself in future if I do anything wrong? Advise me whether to quit or what measures I should take because I would not want to regret my action in future.
I am so confused please help me.
Law.
Dear Law,
You are both guilty of immaturity. Even if she didn’t discuss the need for her friend to pass the night at her place with you, you still should have handled the matter with maturity.
Social courtesy demanded you listened to her explanation and reasoned it out with her. Yes, you came to be with her but what harm would have resulted in you accommodating the friend of your girlfriend that night? You acted selfishly and unreasonably by walking out on them. It didn’t present you to her or the friend as a reasonable man or one who is friendly.
Even if you came to have sex with your girlfriend, that one-night abstinence wouldn’t have caused you any major harm.
Besides, it was foolhardy of you to have left in the middle of the night all because you couldn’t have your way of spending the night with your girlfriend. What if something terrible had happened? What would be your excuse? That you died a needless death because of sex?
Agreed she was wrong to have taken the decision to shelter her friend that night without consulting you first, more so, as she was expecting you that day, you didn’t have to leave if for nothing, for the sake of your safety.
A lot of things could have gone wrong and she would easily have become the prime suspect of people who are in the know that you went to visit her.
No amount of provocation is worth compromising one’s life for.
Again, love means sharing. If you love her, you would also consider her feelings. How do you expect her or that friend to feel when you walked out on them?
To be candid, your attitude was embarrassing and full of provocations. Even if you didn’t mean to, you made her feel the only thing you were interested in her was sex.
Your decision to sleep in the Police Station instead of her room and her friend in safety of her room may have made her so angry and loathsome of you. Her reactions were perfectly normal but asking you to return her pictures and other things with her were childish.
But that doesn’t mean she loves you less. It is just her way of showing disapproval.
From what has happened, it is obvious you both still have a long way to go. Your relationship is obviously deficient in so many things. Love doesn’t form simply by expressing it through the words of the mouth alone. It is something you both must devote all your energy and time to make it work. You both must resolve to take this relationship out of the bedroom into the open air where it would be possible for you to each learn what makes the other tick. You have to study your tolerance levels, your ideals, understand your need of each other beyond the thrills of sex, know how to become friends with each other as well as appreciating the uniqueness that make you both different from everybody else. Love is a huge willingness to sacrifice yourself for your partner.
Unless you devote time to know the real and important sides of each other, this relationship may not last because values you both need to succeed as an item are still missing.
Importantly, you should pray for wisdom and maturity to be able to govern your home successfully.
Good luck
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