Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
In the past three months, my husband has been behaving strangely. Although the changes are not the kind you can hold on to, give a name, but are there nonetheless.
He takes extra care of his appearance, ensure when he is going out that everything about him is perfect, changed his cologne to a stronger one, has started cutting down on his in take of food with the excuse that he doesn’t want to go out of shape too much.
I recently went through his clothes, discovered he has practically changed his easy clothes to jeans and T-shirts. The quality of these things can only come from a woman’s fashion eyes. Recently, went into his room to find him reading a book that gives detailed portrayal of the different sex styles.
When I asked what he was doing with such a book, he said, it was meant to broaden his knowledge since learning isn’t restricted to any age.
Agatha, everything about his conduct smells extra-marital affairs. We have been married for almost two decades. He will be 50 later this year while I will be 46 in April.
I don’t know how to handle him at this age. I thought this side of him was gone with his youthful days.
Please, I don’t want to lose him to a younger woman.
Iyinola.
Dear Iyinola,
What is happening to your husband is the basic need of the average middle age man to relive the excitement of his past. Not everybody is equipped with the presence of mind to accept the process of aging with maturity. For many of us, the onset of the golden years is scary and bleak. This is because the golden years bring with them a decline in the human form.
No matter how much modern science has improved, man’s internal mechanism begins the dance of depreciation.
While women give in to the menopausal years, actually are mentally prepared to begin this new phase of life, nothing on the other hand prepares the man for this period of his life.
Every man wants to remain active and attractive for life. So when the age catches on, most men become very scared so much so they want to run back into their youths for support.
While your husband could be having an affair to prove he is still man enough to engage and sustain the interest of the young woman, it may just be that the fear of old age has made him so insecure that he wants to hold on at all cost to his past.
Whatever he may be up to, this isn’t the time for you to get overtly jealous or troublesome. Any additional stress on his plate will make him abandon you and the children for a younger woman that makes him feel strong and vibrant, even if for a short period. To forestall crisis in your home, give him all the support to be secured again.
When it comes to this kind of issue women are stronger and more realistic. Don’t forget the ego of the average man is tied to his viability and vibrancy as a man. Anything that will tamper with these, men don’t like that all.
In whatever way, encourage him by your own appearance too. He is obviously fighting to remain young and would very soon begin to resent anything that reminds him of his current age. You will definitely become his first target if you are the kind of woman who exposes through your choice of clothes what he is trying to run away from.
This means until he comes to terms with his present age, you have to shift position a little bit to conform to what he has in mind. It is also essential to protect your home from irrational decision he is likely to make in his current frame of mind.
The first thing is to perish the thought of another woman in his life; such thoughts at your age will only make you miserable and angry. Even if he is dating another woman, pretend she doesn’t exist. In addition, she isn’t worth your time and attention.
Secondly, do away with free flowing gowns. Invest in some quality T-shirts similar to the ones he has. If you favour trousers, go for them in durable Jeans materials, but if not, go for skirts, the kinds that make you smart and appealing.
Ensure you change your hairstyles to more contemporary ones. And even if you must dress in gowns and traditional attires, go for vibrant colours, match them with equally appealing essentials that would force him to look at you again as a woman; just his wife and mother of his children.
Also spend good money on quality bra and support panties to firm up your body. There is no investment in your appearance that is too much for the sake of your home.
With hair-extensions there is no style you cannot achieve. You can also opt for low cut to keep you trendy.
To ensure he remembers you wherever he goes, stamp your authority on his mind by searching for a perfume with unforgettable fragrance. It is a matter of looking for the right one for you. Also go for sexy nightgowns. Who says you cannot be as sexy as those young girls even more than them since you have time and experiences on your side?
As for your sex life, you are just starting. Why not take a cue from him on how to improve your act? There is no age restriction to learning.
There is always an improved version to what you are used to. It is a matter of your willingness to experiment with your age of freedom.
Give him the extra.
Above all, entrust your marriage to God; there is no situation He cannot change.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Falling in love with a man I never met?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am very much in love with a man I have never met in person. But we are in love with each other. Do you think it is right?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
To appreciate whether what you feel is right or wrong, it is important you understand the true meaning of love as well as the essence of a relationship.
Every human activity has a set of rules governing it for it to function at full capacity.
Falling in love is no exception. There are conditions attached to its full potentials. It also comes in different shades of colours. This is the reason someone would prefer a light person to dark people or another would meant for a person’s voice.
Definitely, something about this person’s voice or reasoning appeals to you, but in the real world, one in which compromises, sacrifices, loyalty, irritations, regrets and anger are its daily features, it requires more than voice or reasoning to make it work.
A lot of times we mistake likeness, fondness or soft-spot for love when in reality these other emotions are a far cry from what true love really is. Whereas love is a combination of all these other emotions, none of them has the staying power of love or can give the kind of sacrifice real love offers. It must go through a process of series of pains, rejections, betrayals, embarrassment, and forgiveness to give it character and bring out its true colours. True love without these can of forfeitures will in most part cave in when pressures come.
Therefore, it isn’t just about you and this man talking or exchanging pleasantries. It takes extra effort to make a relationship work.
A meeting must occur to estimate your compatibility as a couple. There is no way a phone conversation would reveal the actual nature of the person behind whatever it is you have fallen in love with.
Your feelings have to be subjected to the day-to-day test of two different people coming together as one. Love cannot exist in an empty space. It has to be fitted into something to make it real.
What you are both doing now is similar to shielding your feelings from pains and disappointments. This is no way to truly determine the colours of your feelings for each other.
To avoid the common issue of regret that accompanies invisible relationships, endeavour to take each day at a time; limit whatever you feel for each other to friendship. By avoiding putting a tag of love to what you feel for him, you give yourself the freedom to think straight; view your feelings for him with more objectivity and come to a realistic conclusion on its viability.
If he is within the country, make out time to see each other; this way you demystify the ambiguity of what you think you feel for each other. This way, you both give yourselves the berth to be very realistic about your feelings for the other person; grow the necessary shocks to cushion whatever challenge comes your way, absorb the things you can and iron out those things that are intolerable.
But if he is where you cannot get to meet with him easily, by taking each day at a time, you are preparing yourself for any kind of disappointment that may come up later in the relationship.
Good luck.
She caught me with my live-in lover…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have this lady I am very much in love with but we have an issue following an incident that happened in the compound I reside.
This followed my capitulation to the sexual advances of a lady in my compound.
Although we were in the lady’s room, her noise of excitement must have filtered to my girlfriend, who returned home unexpectedly and must have gone to our room through the window of the woman.
I met her in the room when I came out of the lady’s room. She didn’t bother to fight, but told me she was leaving me because of what she witnessed.
Agatha, I want her back.
Chinedu
Dear Chinedu,
How do you expect her to feel? It is one thing to be unfaithful to your partner, but to do it right under her nose, have an affair with a lady you live in the same house with? Emotional feelings are not like taps you turn on and off anything you like. They come from the core of the heart and once bruised take a while to mend. From the very moment you allowed yourself to be seduced by this other woman, you put your relationship with this other woman at risk. You didn’t act right at all, because what you did has other implications attached to it.
She is feeling bad, because your action didn’t respect her or give regard to the relationship between the two of you.
It isn’t just a matter of you wanting her, but that of you knowing how she feels about what you did to her. You also have to tackle the issue of your interest in this other woman as well as the complication that often arises from such an unplanned sexual relationship.
If you expect this other woman to sweep whatever it is you two did that afternoon under the carpet, then you may have to think again. There is no way, she will allow things remain the way things were between the two of you on one hand again. Even if your regular girlfriend didn’t walk in on both of you that afternoon, she still would have known through the other woman at the end of the day. She would have acted what both of you did in the presence of your girlfriend to let her see that she now has a rival in her person.
Therefore your woman needs more than your assurances. She needs evidence that you can be trusted to behave. Nothing demoralises a woman as knowing that she cannot trust her man where women are concerned. She needs to be assured that, you will not continue to disgrace as well as disrespect her feelings for you.
The fact that you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another woman in the same house she is known as your girlfriend to conduct you affairs as lovers underscores to a very large extent the kind of value you place on the relationship.
This is what you have to define to yourself and her before you can even begin the discussion of her coming back to you.
What do you feel for her in view of your willingness to be involved with your fellow tenant? How do you expect her to feel comfortable in that same house when she comes visiting? And how can you convince her or anyone for that matter that that would be your first time and that she also demanded for it? One thing is to ask for her to come back, but another is the level of pains you have inflicted on not just her but on the relationship as well.
The fact that she refused to fight you or create a scene when she practically walked in on your little romance with the other lady shows a woman who is not only well breed, but conscious of her own place in history. Such women are the hardest to appease. To make sure she listens to you, first and foremost, ensure you have other plans to confront the many demands she would make. For instance, you may have to change houses if you want anything meaningful or plan a future with her.
This means sitting down and examining what your feelings are for her. If they are well grounded for her, make the important sacrifice of protecting the relationship by making efforts to secure another accommodation. Even if you don’t have the money now, the fact that you are making the effort to find another place will assure her that you are indeed sorry for what happened.
In going to her, ensure you are very sober. Don’t try to defend yourself or pass the blame to the woman. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your action. A woman can indicate interest in a man just as he has the right to decline.
Plead with her for understanding on the matter. She may not readily agree to coming back to you at first, but over time, she will listen to you provided your relationship had the kind of foundation to absorb this kind of shock.
If she is proving very difficult, send mutual friends to plead on your behalf.
Good luck.
Re: Too cunning to be taken serious
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you and your family, Amen. After going through your reply to my mail on the subject, “Too cunning to be taken serious;” I went to her school to see her. I demanded to know her fears towards the relationship and me.
She said she loves me but is scared to give me her heart, because she feels that after my NYSC (National Youths Service Corps) programme at the end of this month, I will leave her. She is afraid of distant relationship and she cannot spend 14 hours on the road to Lagos to visit me. I told her of my plans towards her. She said once I leave Jos that I would forget her. This is in addition to not trusting me. She promised to come to my house so that we can talk more about that. Agatha, I don’t want to lose this girl. How can I convince her to trust me? How can I make this relationship work despite the distance?
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Every relationship needs trust to survive the rigours of day-to-day living.
She has to learn to trust you as well as the love you both share. There is no situation that cannot be defeated by faith.
But you have to find out what her real fears are and what brought them. Ask her some few questions about her past; her current mood may be locked in her past experiences or those associated with people close to her.
These kinds of feelings just don’t happen. By tackling it from the root, you free her from the claws of such fears. Thus giving her the freedom to trust in your person.
It could also come from your own conduct as a man. Since meeting her, what have you done to fuel her confidence in your person as well as your words?
Importantly what does your action towards her say of your kind of person?
More than any other time, this is the time to rely on your friendship to make the difference. Unfortunately if your relationship has been more of sex than friendship, it might be difficult to make her change her mind, in which case, the relationship should be left to luck. But if both of you have spent this last year trying to be friends, getting to establish the kind of mutual respect and responsibility that every relationship requires from time to time, she won’t mind making the sacrifices of coming to see you.
However, it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone. You must as a matter of fact, make it a point of duty to make the first visit. You are the man, the one leaving her behind. Frankly, your visit is the only thing that can begin to built the trust, give her both hope and assurance that you really care.
Asking her to come isn’t right. You must first demonstrate your need of her in your life before she can take the step of coming to visit you. No woman wants to be regarded as being cheap, which is precisely what she would be if she makes that vital journey first.
In addition, don’t make promises that you cannot honour at all. Try as much as possible to carry her along in whatever you do; including those things you consider unimportant.
Granted, that there are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationship, but being truthful goes a long way in making the difference.
Good luck.
After he ‘arrived,’ I’m no more his match…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been humiliated beyond what words can express. My marriage is almost 19 years old. My first child came three months after our wedding.
I was almost the breadwinner of the family because my husband was then a struggling man. My husband is known to you, the reason I refused your invitation for us to meet privately. I want this matter discussed on your column to warn other women against trusting any man.
Back then, I even provided transport money for him as you well know that you journalists do not get paid on time. I have always been business minded, so didn’t have any difficulties combining my work with managing my shop.
As a result, money wasn’t too much a challenge to me. To support him, I took on the responsibility of feeding and payment of the children’s school fees. We are blessed with a girl and two boys. We agreed he should take care only of the payment of our accommodation. Even that, he kept defaulting, and I would have no choice but to pay the rent to avoid the embarrassment of being evicted.
This became the pattern of our marriage. Even when things began to improve for him, I didn’t mind and was doing it with joy. As a woman, I don’t give him any problems, accord him all the respect he deserves that even my children mock my seemingly fear of him.
I allow his words to be law in the house, ensure the house is ever clean, his meals cooked promptly and his guests well entertained. With each promotion he got, his guest lists became more complex and extensive, which sometimes leaves me with little or no time to do my business.
My children all attend private schools and despite his rise and popularity, I still pick all the bills I have been paying since we got married.
Even our first piece of land, I bought it. The house on it I built it. Not even my children are aware of this fact because all the documents read Mr. and Mrs.
About two years ago, we moved into our second home. I was happy because things were really looking good for him. Besides, I was also beginning to benefit from his popularity. Once people link my name with his, it became easy for me to get things done.
Recently, he was given an appointment, and just when I was about to enjoy the benefits of my labour, I discovered he has another woman in his life. And what more she is expecting his baby.
He didn’t even have the decency to inform me, I got to know from a third source and when I confronted him, he said, he has outgrown me; that I was free to go if I cannot live with his decision.
This new woman is just about five years older than my daughter and from all indices set to even drive me out of my home.
Although my children are determined to fight on my behalf, I feel so betrayed by my husband. Even his parents are disappointed in him.
My mother, her sisters as well as the few friends I have, say I should pack out of the house to avoid the pains of playing second fiddle to this lady he has decided to bring the house after my confrontation.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation at all. Do I just leave because my health is beginning to fail me? The doctors have just diagnosed me as having high blood pressure, a condition, I never had. Worst of all, he didn’t even bother to come to visit me while I was on admission at the family hospital. All he did was to phone.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains! My only offence is that he has outgrown me? I feel like dying. Please help me because I lack the idea of how to approach this matter.
Humiliated Wife.
Dear Humiliated Wife,
Just be patience. There is nothing this attribute cannot conquer; there is nothing new under the sun.
This moment will soon blow over. You feel confused because the heat from this situation is at its peak. Look beyond the high pains of your situation into the calmness that usually follow the pangs of labour. Let your children for now be your source of joy and strength. You will be amazed at how much stay power and support you can get from them. Also, in situation like this, the wisdom of the child is amazing. Their empathy a good calmative, to make you fight whatever health challenge that may want to come as a result of the behaviour of your husband.
All you have to do is to stop thinking of what he has done to giving glory to God for giving you three wonderful children.
Pause and think what it would have been like if you didn’t have a child for him, or that you were having just a particular gender? The fact that another woman is currently carrying his baby would have been enough to send you into an early grave if you were still trusting God to bless you with the fruit of the womb.
Not only do you have children, you are blessed with both genders, so what are you afraid of?
No doubt you have every right to feel bad, but consider everything you did and would do to preserve your marriage as in the ultimate interest of the children.
Fighting your husband or his new wife won’t solve any problem just as packing out of the house isn’t an option. He has already taken his decision. The naked fact is that another woman is pregnant for him and he has brought her home to you; introduced her as his other wife.
So, how would your leaving the house change the situation or be a solution? Is leaving your husband for another woman what you really want? You will only be playing into their hands by leaving your home for her. If there is anybody that should be uncomfortable with the situation, she should be the one. After all, she has been staying in a house until this moment.
Encourage your husband to get a place for her, if it comes to the choice of one of you leaving. Tell him you don’t mind him spending more time with her. Deep down, the lady too may not want to stay in the same house with you, or share a place that holds so much memory of you.
Therefore, what the situation requires is just a little bit of adjustment. Don’t nag or fight him, but let him know that much as you respect his wish for another wife, you will not be pushed out of the home you have invested in almost two decades.
No matter the euphoria of a new wife, he still has a part of you in his memory. You know him more than this new woman, your history together as a couple cannot be replaced by another. It is this knowledge and history you should work on. But it will only work, if you don’t allow bitterness of what he has done to you overshadow you.
You have already been embarrassed, humiliated by his public abandonment of you so a little more degradation won’t make any difference provided at the end of the day, you don’t get kicked out of the home.
This may sound funny, but you have to dig into your own memory bank and come up with something he likes about you; that thing that has been the strength of your marriage all these years. This is the time to use it as a weapon to get him to do your bidding, listen to a workable solution that will still make him appear to be in charge. From my experience, when men get into this tricky situation, male ego and pride force them to carry on in their mistakes.
Don’t forget that you are no longer the only woman in his life. He has to prove to the new comer that he is in charge of his home. This is where regrettable decisions come into a man’s life. But if you don’t openly challenge him, but elect to act as a stupid woman begging to keep her home, he will listen to you.
Even if it hurts you to say it, keep telling him you love him just to make the other woman leave you and your children alone. The fact that you are not fighting him, creating scenes, he will in his sober moment consider your options and give in at the end of the day.
The moment he relocates her from your home, you really don’t have any business with her. She is welcome to have the child just as you will have the peace of mind to re-plan your life and marriage.
Above all, learn to pray because this is the time you need the presence of God more in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been humiliated beyond what words can express. My marriage is almost 19 years old. My first child came three months after our wedding.
I was almost the breadwinner of the family because my husband was then a struggling man. My husband is known to you, the reason I refused your invitation for us to meet privately. I want this matter discussed on your column to warn other women against trusting any man.
Back then, I even provided transport money for him as you well know that you journalists do not get paid on time. I have always been business minded, so didn’t have any difficulties combining my work with managing my shop.
As a result, money wasn’t too much a challenge to me. To support him, I took on the responsibility of feeding and payment of the children’s school fees. We are blessed with a girl and two boys. We agreed he should take care only of the payment of our accommodation. Even that, he kept defaulting, and I would have no choice but to pay the rent to avoid the embarrassment of being evicted.
This became the pattern of our marriage. Even when things began to improve for him, I didn’t mind and was doing it with joy. As a woman, I don’t give him any problems, accord him all the respect he deserves that even my children mock my seemingly fear of him.
I allow his words to be law in the house, ensure the house is ever clean, his meals cooked promptly and his guests well entertained. With each promotion he got, his guest lists became more complex and extensive, which sometimes leaves me with little or no time to do my business.
My children all attend private schools and despite his rise and popularity, I still pick all the bills I have been paying since we got married.
Even our first piece of land, I bought it. The house on it I built it. Not even my children are aware of this fact because all the documents read Mr. and Mrs.
About two years ago, we moved into our second home. I was happy because things were really looking good for him. Besides, I was also beginning to benefit from his popularity. Once people link my name with his, it became easy for me to get things done.
Recently, he was given an appointment, and just when I was about to enjoy the benefits of my labour, I discovered he has another woman in his life. And what more she is expecting his baby.
He didn’t even have the decency to inform me, I got to know from a third source and when I confronted him, he said, he has outgrown me; that I was free to go if I cannot live with his decision.
This new woman is just about five years older than my daughter and from all indices set to even drive me out of my home.
Although my children are determined to fight on my behalf, I feel so betrayed by my husband. Even his parents are disappointed in him.
My mother, her sisters as well as the few friends I have, say I should pack out of the house to avoid the pains of playing second fiddle to this lady he has decided to bring the house after my confrontation.
I am so confused. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation at all. Do I just leave because my health is beginning to fail me? The doctors have just diagnosed me as having high blood pressure, a condition, I never had. Worst of all, he didn’t even bother to come to visit me while I was on admission at the family hospital. All he did was to phone.
Agatha, can you imagine my pains! My only offence is that he has outgrown me? I feel like dying. Please help me because I lack the idea of how to approach this matter.
Humiliated Wife.
Dear Humiliated Wife,
Just be patience. There is nothing this attribute cannot conquer; there is nothing new under the sun.
This moment will soon blow over. You feel confused because the heat from this situation is at its peak. Look beyond the high pains of your situation into the calmness that usually follow the pangs of labour. Let your children for now be your source of joy and strength. You will be amazed at how much stay power and support you can get from them. Also, in situation like this, the wisdom of the child is amazing. Their empathy a good calmative, to make you fight whatever health challenge that may want to come as a result of the behaviour of your husband.
All you have to do is to stop thinking of what he has done to giving glory to God for giving you three wonderful children.
Pause and think what it would have been like if you didn’t have a child for him, or that you were having just a particular gender? The fact that another woman is currently carrying his baby would have been enough to send you into an early grave if you were still trusting God to bless you with the fruit of the womb.
Not only do you have children, you are blessed with both genders, so what are you afraid of?
No doubt you have every right to feel bad, but consider everything you did and would do to preserve your marriage as in the ultimate interest of the children.
Fighting your husband or his new wife won’t solve any problem just as packing out of the house isn’t an option. He has already taken his decision. The naked fact is that another woman is pregnant for him and he has brought her home to you; introduced her as his other wife.
So, how would your leaving the house change the situation or be a solution? Is leaving your husband for another woman what you really want? You will only be playing into their hands by leaving your home for her. If there is anybody that should be uncomfortable with the situation, she should be the one. After all, she has been staying in a house until this moment.
Encourage your husband to get a place for her, if it comes to the choice of one of you leaving. Tell him you don’t mind him spending more time with her. Deep down, the lady too may not want to stay in the same house with you, or share a place that holds so much memory of you.
Therefore, what the situation requires is just a little bit of adjustment. Don’t nag or fight him, but let him know that much as you respect his wish for another wife, you will not be pushed out of the home you have invested in almost two decades.
No matter the euphoria of a new wife, he still has a part of you in his memory. You know him more than this new woman, your history together as a couple cannot be replaced by another. It is this knowledge and history you should work on. But it will only work, if you don’t allow bitterness of what he has done to you overshadow you.
You have already been embarrassed, humiliated by his public abandonment of you so a little more degradation won’t make any difference provided at the end of the day, you don’t get kicked out of the home.
This may sound funny, but you have to dig into your own memory bank and come up with something he likes about you; that thing that has been the strength of your marriage all these years. This is the time to use it as a weapon to get him to do your bidding, listen to a workable solution that will still make him appear to be in charge. From my experience, when men get into this tricky situation, male ego and pride force them to carry on in their mistakes.
Don’t forget that you are no longer the only woman in his life. He has to prove to the new comer that he is in charge of his home. This is where regrettable decisions come into a man’s life. But if you don’t openly challenge him, but elect to act as a stupid woman begging to keep her home, he will listen to you.
Even if it hurts you to say it, keep telling him you love him just to make the other woman leave you and your children alone. The fact that you are not fighting him, creating scenes, he will in his sober moment consider your options and give in at the end of the day.
The moment he relocates her from your home, you really don’t have any business with her. She is welcome to have the child just as you will have the peace of mind to re-plan your life and marriage.
Above all, learn to pray because this is the time you need the presence of God more in your life.
Good luck.
Can she end blood oath with first love?
Aghata Edo,08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com
Dear Agatha,
Please help me out, l am dying.
I am a graduate of University of Nigeria, Nsukka. Please, l want you to use your God-given talent to solve this problem.
There is a young lady l fell in love with last year during the end of my service year in last year. In the short time we met, she had told me everything about her. From what she told me, I immediately detected an inherent problem.
According to her, her former boyfriend deceived her into having a blood covenant with him in her first year in the university, when she was 17 years of age.
This guy was in his final year then. He did this out of fear of losing her. However, this hasn’t stopped the man from cheating on her. Apart from the stories she has heard, she also has confirmations of his cheating on her. Because of this, she wants to break the relationship.
Even though the guy still wants to marry her, she has come to the knowledge that blood oath isn’t healthy spiritually and totally against her faith.
So what do you advise us on how to break that covenant?
Emmy.
Dear Emmy,
This is a deliverance case because so many spiritual pollutions accompany blood covenant. Among all the covenants, blood and sex covenants are the ones with the most spiritual consequences.
Since she still has access to the man she went into the covenant with, the problem is half-solved. She should go to the man and discuss the need for them to break the covenant through a deliverance process.
To get him to listen to her, it would be in her interest not to tell him about her change of heart about the relationship. By simply pointing him at the inherent spiritual implications of blood covenant to both of them, especially if either of the parties isn’t faithful to the other, he would listen to her.
She should use the advantage of his unfaithfulness to make him desire the discontinuation of the blood covenant since he is likely to suffer more from any repercussion.
Blood oath is like a double-edged sword. Even if a dating couple ends up getting married, it is still important they break the covenant because blood is the essence of man. It envelops the spiritual mystery of man. Its evaporation from the body signifies the end of life, so God holds it very precious. Nobody has the right to toy with it. That is why the bond between mother and child is eternally strong. When a man and a woman have the burden of a blood covenant between them, the slightest provocation and anger conjures more spiritual problems that it would ordinarily have incurred because, in addition to sex, marriage oath and blood oath was also exchanged.
This explains why some couples die together leaving their children, irrespective of their ages, to map out their lives on their own.
It is important they both realise that the process of breaking the covenant isn’t as easy as that which led to it. While it takes only two people to go into it, it takes more than that number to be completely free from it.
Before approaching him, she should make all necessary arrangements with her spiritual leaders in the church so that they can give her and her former boyfriend all the spiritual support they need to get out of this.
It is only after the oath is broken she should tell him of her decision to discontinue with the relationship.
To protect your relationship from the consequences of this blood oath between your girlfriend and her former boyfriend, it is important you stay away from having sex with her because third parties suffer disappointments as a result of the trauma that characterises the association with them. Even after the deliverance, allow sex to remain in the cupboard until you both get married. You may not find it easy to do, but it pays to wait until the time is ripe.
Help her along with prayers; give her all the encouragement to go through the process because she needs boldness and complete faith in God to undo what she has done.
She may have done it out of ignorance, but it won’t stop the pains of the repercussion from happening.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me out, l am dying.
I am a graduate of University of Nigeria, Nsukka. Please, l want you to use your God-given talent to solve this problem.
There is a young lady l fell in love with last year during the end of my service year in last year. In the short time we met, she had told me everything about her. From what she told me, I immediately detected an inherent problem.
According to her, her former boyfriend deceived her into having a blood covenant with him in her first year in the university, when she was 17 years of age.
This guy was in his final year then. He did this out of fear of losing her. However, this hasn’t stopped the man from cheating on her. Apart from the stories she has heard, she also has confirmations of his cheating on her. Because of this, she wants to break the relationship.
Even though the guy still wants to marry her, she has come to the knowledge that blood oath isn’t healthy spiritually and totally against her faith.
So what do you advise us on how to break that covenant?
Emmy.
Dear Emmy,
This is a deliverance case because so many spiritual pollutions accompany blood covenant. Among all the covenants, blood and sex covenants are the ones with the most spiritual consequences.
Since she still has access to the man she went into the covenant with, the problem is half-solved. She should go to the man and discuss the need for them to break the covenant through a deliverance process.
To get him to listen to her, it would be in her interest not to tell him about her change of heart about the relationship. By simply pointing him at the inherent spiritual implications of blood covenant to both of them, especially if either of the parties isn’t faithful to the other, he would listen to her.
She should use the advantage of his unfaithfulness to make him desire the discontinuation of the blood covenant since he is likely to suffer more from any repercussion.
Blood oath is like a double-edged sword. Even if a dating couple ends up getting married, it is still important they break the covenant because blood is the essence of man. It envelops the spiritual mystery of man. Its evaporation from the body signifies the end of life, so God holds it very precious. Nobody has the right to toy with it. That is why the bond between mother and child is eternally strong. When a man and a woman have the burden of a blood covenant between them, the slightest provocation and anger conjures more spiritual problems that it would ordinarily have incurred because, in addition to sex, marriage oath and blood oath was also exchanged.
This explains why some couples die together leaving their children, irrespective of their ages, to map out their lives on their own.
It is important they both realise that the process of breaking the covenant isn’t as easy as that which led to it. While it takes only two people to go into it, it takes more than that number to be completely free from it.
Before approaching him, she should make all necessary arrangements with her spiritual leaders in the church so that they can give her and her former boyfriend all the spiritual support they need to get out of this.
It is only after the oath is broken she should tell him of her decision to discontinue with the relationship.
To protect your relationship from the consequences of this blood oath between your girlfriend and her former boyfriend, it is important you stay away from having sex with her because third parties suffer disappointments as a result of the trauma that characterises the association with them. Even after the deliverance, allow sex to remain in the cupboard until you both get married. You may not find it easy to do, but it pays to wait until the time is ripe.
Help her along with prayers; give her all the encouragement to go through the process because she needs boldness and complete faith in God to undo what she has done.
She may have done it out of ignorance, but it won’t stop the pains of the repercussion from happening.
Good luck.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I’m in love with my girlfriend’s mum…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about one year now. In December I decided to meet her family for the first time.
I know, from our conversation, that her mother is a divorcee for close to two decades, and that she was responsible for the welfare of her children.
From my girlfriend’s accounts of her mother’s struggles, I expected her to be middle-aged. But I was almost taking her for my girlfriend’s elder sister when I finally got to meet with her.
Without any form of make-up, she was extremely beautiful. This is the kind of woman you know immediately owes her beauty to God and not to beauty products.
Needless to say I was captivated by her so much so I just wanted to sit and stare at her. I found myself staying till very late evening. I just wanted to be near her.
At that time, I didn’t know what it was I felt for her, but as the days went by I discovered I was thinking more of the mother than the daughter. Gradually, I began to notice flaws I didn’t know existed in my girlfriend, seeing her as childish and not good enough for me.
I know this may sound outrageous, but I am fallen deeply in love with my girlfriend’s mother. It isn’t the kind of crazy urge to possess her, but something much deeper than that. I just want to be near her, loving her, doing things for her and deriving happiness being near her.
It is crazy, I agree, but everyday I see her, which is often these days, since I find all sorts of funny excuses to visit my girlfriend in her house. She is overjoyed thinking it is a sign that I have finally made up my mind to marry her.
To be truthful with you, Agatha, I don’t feel anything anymore for my girlfriend. Even if I don’t end up with the mother, I won’t go any further with her or any younger lady. I am beginning to realise that I find older women more attractive and mature.
A friend of mine I told about my feelings for my girlfriend’s mother, advised me to stop visiting, that it was too dangerous for everyone concerned but I simply cannot stop. I crave everyday to hear her voice, see her smile, take in the smell of her perfume and just be near her. Sometimes, I find myself calling her just to get relieve from speaking with her on the phone.
It all so crazy that during the last Valentine’s Day, I insisted that we stayed at home with her.
Please, Agatha, how do I handle my twin problems: ending my relationship with my girlfriend and declaring my love for her mother? I am really in love with her. I am 30, my girlfriend is 28, and she is 55 years of age. Am I weird?
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
There is nothing in the law books that prohibits a younger man from falling in love with an older woman. This is because love can happen in an unexpected place. But it isn’t every love we feel is right or permitted to happen. Along life’s journey, we would come across different kinds of love, what makes us human and accountable is our ability to fight against feelings considered unreasonable.
For love to be beautiful and rewarding, it has to be responsible and premised on reality. That is why a lot of people don’t subscribe to love being blind.
It is the reality aspect of love that prevents sane people from falling in love with insane people, no matter how beautiful or handsome. No matter the power of love would make a sane person bring home an insane person from the street as his or her object of love. Just as the responsibility aspect of love frowns at what you are about to do to your girlfriend. The woman in question is her mother.
No matter how or what you feel for this woman, reality and responsibility demand that you should put as much distance between you and this woman.
In the first instance, she is the mother of your girlfriend, not a woman you can afford to mess with. She is being receptive towards you because you are her daughter’s boyfriend and one she hopes will one day become her son-in-law.
Being a single mother who has struggled to train her children and make them whom they are now, she is naturally expecting them to settle into their own homes. If her daughter is 28 and you 30, she could easily be your own mother. Therefore you owe it to yourself to discipline your feelings, no matter how strong they are.
You will be destroying a lot of things in that family if you make the mistake of breathing the word out. It won’t be just about you any more, but about everything that woman has struggled to put together all these years on her own.
By your declaration and feelings, you would forever create a whole set of problems between mother and daughter. From the day you dump the daughter for your attraction for the mother, you plant a permanent seed of hatred from the daughter to the mother. There is nothing the mother would do or say will ever make her trust her mother again.
At that point, it won’t matter to her whether her mother is in the know or not, what would be upper most in her mind is that her mother has betrayed her. She will never be able to forgive or forget that fact that her boyfriend she brought home dumped her because he fell in love with her mother.
In addition, to destroying a family, this woman has carefully put together, you will be exposing her to the ridicule of those who have never wished her well. This is because jealousy would make the daughter say things she isn’t supposed to utter to people she would ordinarily not talk to about her mother.
If you really love this woman, don’t say anything to her or her daughter. Since you have come to the conclusion that you are no longer in love with your girlfriend, stick to that fact. You could say you have found yourself a woman with a more mature mind than hers.
And please in the interest of all concerned, stop going to the house or calling her. Even if your girlfriend’s mother calls you to ask what the problem is, tell her that you have found someone else; that you have realised that if you marry her daughter, both of you will never be happy as a couple.
If you can, move away from the two of them. Ask for transfer if possible to a place you can start all over again. By the time you put a good distance between you and these women, your emotional recovery will be quicker than if you stay around where you will be constantly reminded of them.
One of the reasons you have fallen so hard for her is because you get to see her too often. Give yourself a chance to fall in love with the right woman, one whose love will never make you look at another woman.
The important lesson you should take away from all these is, only a woman with a mature mind will really make you happy in life. So next time, look for the woman who has that maternal quality, who is almost natural and has a wise and mature heart. Deep inside you, you want a woman with these kinds of qualities for you to come home to. This is the hidden message in all these.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about one year now. In December I decided to meet her family for the first time.
I know, from our conversation, that her mother is a divorcee for close to two decades, and that she was responsible for the welfare of her children.
From my girlfriend’s accounts of her mother’s struggles, I expected her to be middle-aged. But I was almost taking her for my girlfriend’s elder sister when I finally got to meet with her.
Without any form of make-up, she was extremely beautiful. This is the kind of woman you know immediately owes her beauty to God and not to beauty products.
Needless to say I was captivated by her so much so I just wanted to sit and stare at her. I found myself staying till very late evening. I just wanted to be near her.
At that time, I didn’t know what it was I felt for her, but as the days went by I discovered I was thinking more of the mother than the daughter. Gradually, I began to notice flaws I didn’t know existed in my girlfriend, seeing her as childish and not good enough for me.
I know this may sound outrageous, but I am fallen deeply in love with my girlfriend’s mother. It isn’t the kind of crazy urge to possess her, but something much deeper than that. I just want to be near her, loving her, doing things for her and deriving happiness being near her.
It is crazy, I agree, but everyday I see her, which is often these days, since I find all sorts of funny excuses to visit my girlfriend in her house. She is overjoyed thinking it is a sign that I have finally made up my mind to marry her.
To be truthful with you, Agatha, I don’t feel anything anymore for my girlfriend. Even if I don’t end up with the mother, I won’t go any further with her or any younger lady. I am beginning to realise that I find older women more attractive and mature.
A friend of mine I told about my feelings for my girlfriend’s mother, advised me to stop visiting, that it was too dangerous for everyone concerned but I simply cannot stop. I crave everyday to hear her voice, see her smile, take in the smell of her perfume and just be near her. Sometimes, I find myself calling her just to get relieve from speaking with her on the phone.
It all so crazy that during the last Valentine’s Day, I insisted that we stayed at home with her.
Please, Agatha, how do I handle my twin problems: ending my relationship with my girlfriend and declaring my love for her mother? I am really in love with her. I am 30, my girlfriend is 28, and she is 55 years of age. Am I weird?
Taiwo.
Dear Taiwo,
There is nothing in the law books that prohibits a younger man from falling in love with an older woman. This is because love can happen in an unexpected place. But it isn’t every love we feel is right or permitted to happen. Along life’s journey, we would come across different kinds of love, what makes us human and accountable is our ability to fight against feelings considered unreasonable.
For love to be beautiful and rewarding, it has to be responsible and premised on reality. That is why a lot of people don’t subscribe to love being blind.
It is the reality aspect of love that prevents sane people from falling in love with insane people, no matter how beautiful or handsome. No matter the power of love would make a sane person bring home an insane person from the street as his or her object of love. Just as the responsibility aspect of love frowns at what you are about to do to your girlfriend. The woman in question is her mother.
No matter how or what you feel for this woman, reality and responsibility demand that you should put as much distance between you and this woman.
In the first instance, she is the mother of your girlfriend, not a woman you can afford to mess with. She is being receptive towards you because you are her daughter’s boyfriend and one she hopes will one day become her son-in-law.
Being a single mother who has struggled to train her children and make them whom they are now, she is naturally expecting them to settle into their own homes. If her daughter is 28 and you 30, she could easily be your own mother. Therefore you owe it to yourself to discipline your feelings, no matter how strong they are.
You will be destroying a lot of things in that family if you make the mistake of breathing the word out. It won’t be just about you any more, but about everything that woman has struggled to put together all these years on her own.
By your declaration and feelings, you would forever create a whole set of problems between mother and daughter. From the day you dump the daughter for your attraction for the mother, you plant a permanent seed of hatred from the daughter to the mother. There is nothing the mother would do or say will ever make her trust her mother again.
At that point, it won’t matter to her whether her mother is in the know or not, what would be upper most in her mind is that her mother has betrayed her. She will never be able to forgive or forget that fact that her boyfriend she brought home dumped her because he fell in love with her mother.
In addition, to destroying a family, this woman has carefully put together, you will be exposing her to the ridicule of those who have never wished her well. This is because jealousy would make the daughter say things she isn’t supposed to utter to people she would ordinarily not talk to about her mother.
If you really love this woman, don’t say anything to her or her daughter. Since you have come to the conclusion that you are no longer in love with your girlfriend, stick to that fact. You could say you have found yourself a woman with a more mature mind than hers.
And please in the interest of all concerned, stop going to the house or calling her. Even if your girlfriend’s mother calls you to ask what the problem is, tell her that you have found someone else; that you have realised that if you marry her daughter, both of you will never be happy as a couple.
If you can, move away from the two of them. Ask for transfer if possible to a place you can start all over again. By the time you put a good distance between you and these women, your emotional recovery will be quicker than if you stay around where you will be constantly reminded of them.
One of the reasons you have fallen so hard for her is because you get to see her too often. Give yourself a chance to fall in love with the right woman, one whose love will never make you look at another woman.
The important lesson you should take away from all these is, only a woman with a mature mind will really make you happy in life. So next time, look for the woman who has that maternal quality, who is almost natural and has a wise and mature heart. Deep inside you, you want a woman with these kinds of qualities for you to come home to. This is the hidden message in all these.
Good luck.
How do I get her amidst all her male admires?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
How do I get her amidst all her male admires?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I really learnt a lot from reading your answers. There is this girl I met recently and it is obvious that a lot of guys are also interested in her. I don’t know if she has decided on any particular one yet.
But one thing is that I am sure of is my love for her. I haven’t told her anything, because I don’t want to rush her into anything but I am afraid another guy may be faster than I am. Don’t know what to do or how best to approach the issue. I really love this girl. I feel ashamed asking for this kind of help, but I just have to do it.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
There is nothing to be ashamed of asking for help. It is our reason for being here.
If you don’t act fast, another smart guy will. Every girl has her highpoint. She is obviously in that season of her life when she is in hot demand. This particular fact shouldn’t intimidate you at all. It is all part of growing up and acquiring experiences.
Even if you will be turned down, go and declare your love for her. You may just be the man she is waiting for from the lots that are asking for her attention.
The best approach is to ask for the chance of being her friend. This will afford both of you the rare opportunity of getting to know yourselves better. You must first get to know the person inside the image before declaring love.
Many girls, women get irritated when a man meeting them for the first time declares being in love. It can be really annoying. So do what others are not doing by offering her friendship first. It will stand you out as a very serious minded man, different from all the others.
Good luck.
I am pregnant for my first cousin
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I need help with my situation. I grew up with my mother who after her bitter divorce from my father, decided against having anything to do with him or his family members. The result is that I know next to nothing about my father’s family.
This is to be expected because I am 28 and my mother left when I was only five years of age.
She never remarried because of the bitter experience with my father and his family members.
I naturally became her passion and reason for living. In fairness to her, she is one of the most disciplined women I know. I say this with all sense of responsibility. Till date, I cannot point to the man my mother is dating even though I know she is in a relationship. That is the amount of respect she has for my feelings.
And if she has any reason to be away, she tells me where she is and how to get her. And this is only a recent development. She says I am now old enough to understand some things about life and human nature.
Somewhere along the line, I also met and fell in love with one of the nicest men around.
Caring, devoted and articulate, I fell deeply. Without planning it, I became prergnant. Since we both wanted to get married as soon as possible, we decided to keep the pregnancy. He took me to meet his mother who instantly gave us her blessings. She spoke with my mother on the phone and they agreed on when the introduction would be as well as what they both wanted.
It was not until, on the introduction day, we discovered that my husband-to-be and I are actually first cousins. Unknown to both of us, his mother happens to be my father’s immediate elder sister.
Naturally, the ceremony couldn’t hold. The issue now is my pregnancy which is entering its fourth month.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to kill myself as well as my mother whose actions caused all these for me.
If she had forgiven my father for his mistake all these years, I wouldn’t have found myself in this mess.
What do you advice? I am scared of abortions because I have been warned by my doctor during my last abortion not to attempt it again.
The whole thing is so confusing. My father too is begging both my mother and I to forgive him; that he has since realised his mistakes and have been looking everywhere for both of us.
Everything is so confusing, Agatha. If I have this baby, will I ever be able to love it? Will the baby not be constant reminder of a shame I want to put in my past? And what do I tell the baby in future about its paternity?
Please help me.
Fatima.
Dear Fatima,
It is very dicey. But first things first, there is the need for the entire family to urgently meet and decide on the pregnancy. Every second counts. Being your first cousin, there is no way both of you can get married but the family has to take a decision on the baby.
Sad as this may sound, you really don’t have a choice but to keep it if medical opinions say it is dangerous for you to go through the process of abortion. For now, your life is what counts, not what people would say or the fact of history that you are pregnant for your first cousin.
Nothing or situation is more important than your life. Just bear in mind that you won’t be the first woman to find yourself in this kind of situation neither would you be the last.
Stranger things have been known to happen to people in life. Besides, what happened wasn’t of your own making. It is so painful that you are being made to pay for the bitterness and pains of your parents.
Nothing you say or do now can erase the past. The past and future is what you now face.
Although in Nigeria, our culture doesn’t support giving baby up adoption, still you can have the baby and leave it with your mother to care for while you pursue your own life.
There is always a better life waiting at the end of every painful mistake or situation. At the time you both conceived the baby, you were in love so the baby cannot be a product of a shameful act. You had every intention to marry the father, of giving it a legitimate life. If you see the baby as your joy, you will never regret having it. But if you allow the environment and people to dictate how you treat your baby, you will never have the right kind of love to give it.
Even if the law sees it as out of place, at this point, it is too late to do anything about it.
The heart of a mother is a loving one. Give your baby that side of your heart. Regard your cousin as any other man. Remember, you didn’t grow up within the family. For almost three decades, you knew nothing about them; only got to know them some few weeks ago.
They have never been part of your life so no one, including your child can blame you or call you names.
Frankly, you are blameless in all these.
Your parents and your father’s family are to blame. Had your father or his family taken the ideal step of looking for you irrespective of what happened between their son and your mother, you would have known that the man in your life is related to you.
Worrying about what you would tell your child in the future isn’t the immediate concern. Time will take care of that. As long as the child is given all the love needed to be secured in life, the circumstances of the birth won’t do much damage to your relationship as the mother.
Besides, no matter how bad a situation is, there is always a positive side. At least, you are meeting your lost father after all these years. That he is begging you and your mother for forgiveness underscores his need of you and your mother. So why burden yourself with trading blames? You don’t need that negative emotions now. From your account, your mother, she is a very responsible woman. Unforgiving but responsible. As you grow up in life and experiences you will come to know that certain pains never go away.
Fortunately, our God doesn’t do things without a reason. Something tells me this drama may not end in pains and sorrow for you.
Learn to trust in God the more. Don’t worry about what you on your own, cannot change rather, turn it over to Him, who has the power to erase our mistakes.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I need help with my situation. I grew up with my mother who after her bitter divorce from my father, decided against having anything to do with him or his family members. The result is that I know next to nothing about my father’s family.
This is to be expected because I am 28 and my mother left when I was only five years of age.
She never remarried because of the bitter experience with my father and his family members.
I naturally became her passion and reason for living. In fairness to her, she is one of the most disciplined women I know. I say this with all sense of responsibility. Till date, I cannot point to the man my mother is dating even though I know she is in a relationship. That is the amount of respect she has for my feelings.
And if she has any reason to be away, she tells me where she is and how to get her. And this is only a recent development. She says I am now old enough to understand some things about life and human nature.
Somewhere along the line, I also met and fell in love with one of the nicest men around.
Caring, devoted and articulate, I fell deeply. Without planning it, I became prergnant. Since we both wanted to get married as soon as possible, we decided to keep the pregnancy. He took me to meet his mother who instantly gave us her blessings. She spoke with my mother on the phone and they agreed on when the introduction would be as well as what they both wanted.
It was not until, on the introduction day, we discovered that my husband-to-be and I are actually first cousins. Unknown to both of us, his mother happens to be my father’s immediate elder sister.
Naturally, the ceremony couldn’t hold. The issue now is my pregnancy which is entering its fourth month.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I want to kill myself as well as my mother whose actions caused all these for me.
If she had forgiven my father for his mistake all these years, I wouldn’t have found myself in this mess.
What do you advice? I am scared of abortions because I have been warned by my doctor during my last abortion not to attempt it again.
The whole thing is so confusing. My father too is begging both my mother and I to forgive him; that he has since realised his mistakes and have been looking everywhere for both of us.
Everything is so confusing, Agatha. If I have this baby, will I ever be able to love it? Will the baby not be constant reminder of a shame I want to put in my past? And what do I tell the baby in future about its paternity?
Please help me.
Fatima.
Dear Fatima,
It is very dicey. But first things first, there is the need for the entire family to urgently meet and decide on the pregnancy. Every second counts. Being your first cousin, there is no way both of you can get married but the family has to take a decision on the baby.
Sad as this may sound, you really don’t have a choice but to keep it if medical opinions say it is dangerous for you to go through the process of abortion. For now, your life is what counts, not what people would say or the fact of history that you are pregnant for your first cousin.
Nothing or situation is more important than your life. Just bear in mind that you won’t be the first woman to find yourself in this kind of situation neither would you be the last.
Stranger things have been known to happen to people in life. Besides, what happened wasn’t of your own making. It is so painful that you are being made to pay for the bitterness and pains of your parents.
Nothing you say or do now can erase the past. The past and future is what you now face.
Although in Nigeria, our culture doesn’t support giving baby up adoption, still you can have the baby and leave it with your mother to care for while you pursue your own life.
There is always a better life waiting at the end of every painful mistake or situation. At the time you both conceived the baby, you were in love so the baby cannot be a product of a shameful act. You had every intention to marry the father, of giving it a legitimate life. If you see the baby as your joy, you will never regret having it. But if you allow the environment and people to dictate how you treat your baby, you will never have the right kind of love to give it.
Even if the law sees it as out of place, at this point, it is too late to do anything about it.
The heart of a mother is a loving one. Give your baby that side of your heart. Regard your cousin as any other man. Remember, you didn’t grow up within the family. For almost three decades, you knew nothing about them; only got to know them some few weeks ago.
They have never been part of your life so no one, including your child can blame you or call you names.
Frankly, you are blameless in all these.
Your parents and your father’s family are to blame. Had your father or his family taken the ideal step of looking for you irrespective of what happened between their son and your mother, you would have known that the man in your life is related to you.
Worrying about what you would tell your child in the future isn’t the immediate concern. Time will take care of that. As long as the child is given all the love needed to be secured in life, the circumstances of the birth won’t do much damage to your relationship as the mother.
Besides, no matter how bad a situation is, there is always a positive side. At least, you are meeting your lost father after all these years. That he is begging you and your mother for forgiveness underscores his need of you and your mother. So why burden yourself with trading blames? You don’t need that negative emotions now. From your account, your mother, she is a very responsible woman. Unforgiving but responsible. As you grow up in life and experiences you will come to know that certain pains never go away.
Fortunately, our God doesn’t do things without a reason. Something tells me this drama may not end in pains and sorrow for you.
Learn to trust in God the more. Don’t worry about what you on your own, cannot change rather, turn it over to Him, who has the power to erase our mistakes.
Good luck.
Men confuse me
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age. My problem is that I find it difficult to make up my mind about boys coming to me for a relationship.
Agatha, how do I know a particular man is good for me. It is really affecting me.
Please help me.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
At your age, it is natural to feel confused about requests from both boys and men. This has to do with the fact that you really havent given a thought to what you want from life.
At this stage, your only concern is to be the centre of attraction of men. It goes beyond being the toast of men to knowing what you want from life. At every stage in your life as a woman, you need first to plan your life, have a focus and situate your dream along side the kind of men coming your way.
Without this, there is no knowing how a particular man can help you grow or perish your dream.
Therefore, the first thing is to have a clear picture of who you are. Once you know the things that are most important to you in life, you will be able to recognise that special quality in a man that will measure up to your needs in life.
For every man that comes your way, look out for the one who has your interest at heart. By interest, I don’t mean in your body but your mind, well-being and dreams.
More than anything else, a man must appreciate that you have a dream separate from his, the kind that enables you to perform and function in your full capacity first as a human being.
Any man who doesn’t appreciate your essential quality, as an individual, will never be able to give you the kind of respect and happiness that enhances a relationship.
But, this kind of quality isn’t what you see at first contact. Therefore you must train yourself to look beyond what he looks like, how rich or poor or his social status.
A lot of things can really go wrong in a relationship or in the life of a person if paired with the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.
Every relationship has a potential provided those in it know what they are doing.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 20 years of age. My problem is that I find it difficult to make up my mind about boys coming to me for a relationship.
Agatha, how do I know a particular man is good for me. It is really affecting me.
Please help me.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
At your age, it is natural to feel confused about requests from both boys and men. This has to do with the fact that you really havent given a thought to what you want from life.
At this stage, your only concern is to be the centre of attraction of men. It goes beyond being the toast of men to knowing what you want from life. At every stage in your life as a woman, you need first to plan your life, have a focus and situate your dream along side the kind of men coming your way.
Without this, there is no knowing how a particular man can help you grow or perish your dream.
Therefore, the first thing is to have a clear picture of who you are. Once you know the things that are most important to you in life, you will be able to recognise that special quality in a man that will measure up to your needs in life.
For every man that comes your way, look out for the one who has your interest at heart. By interest, I don’t mean in your body but your mind, well-being and dreams.
More than anything else, a man must appreciate that you have a dream separate from his, the kind that enables you to perform and function in your full capacity first as a human being.
Any man who doesn’t appreciate your essential quality, as an individual, will never be able to give you the kind of respect and happiness that enhances a relationship.
But, this kind of quality isn’t what you see at first contact. Therefore you must train yourself to look beyond what he looks like, how rich or poor or his social status.
A lot of things can really go wrong in a relationship or in the life of a person if paired with the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.
Every relationship has a potential provided those in it know what they are doing.
Good luck.
Can she faithfully stay married?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
For the past four years, I’ve been an ardent reader of your column and I draw lessons from your wise counsels.
I trust that you will be of help to me. I am 30, met this girl November last year. I know I love her enough to make her my wife.
Her love is not also in doubt as she has been so caring and supportive morally and financially. I don’t have parents and currently on my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).
I am skillful and industrious, but my problem now is to raise the money for marriage rites as she is also about going for her youth service.
I am determined to do this before she leaves for her service year, because I don’t want to lose her. She is used to a life of luxury provided by various men. She opted for this kind of lifestyle as a result of the many disappointments she encountered in relationships she invested her heart and resources in.
Agatha, do you think she can change completely and become a faithful wife? For now, she is showing positive signs and my people love her.
Please what do you advise?
Didi.
Dear Didi,
There is nobody that cannot change for good. Many a time, we are what we are as results of our experiences, challenges and the kind of environments we find ourselves. It also comes from the kinds of people and advice we get when we are confronted by problems.
The only thing you need to be sure she is going to stay faithful to you is her determination; which is the fuel every quest for change needs to make real.
Telling you her past is to explain why she is who she has become as well as a silent plea for you to treat her well.
If she liked her former lifestyle, she won’t tell you anything about this past or even agree to give you the kind of support she has been giving you. That itself speaks volume of her kind of person. Given the right kind of attention and care, she has what it takes to support a man to success.
Not every woman who has suffered multiple emotional disappointments like her would willingly give her money and heart to any man. Most women who suffer her kind of emotional disappointments end up becoming bitter and out on a revenge mission against any man that come their way.
That she is able to recover and trust in love again should make you comfortable around her. It shows that she has some positive qualities wise men look out for in a woman.
Rather than waste time nurturing fears about her, devote time to reassuring her of your love and sincerity of purpose. Every relationship needs plenty dose of trust to overcome the concomitant challenges of two people coming together to make a life and home.
You cannot move this relationship forward or stretch it to its full potentials if you don’t delete from your mind her past life. To continue to dwell on the possibility of her going back to her past life is to dwarf the growth of your relationship.
However, this isn’t to say you cannot discuss your fears with her. By all means sit her down to share your apprehension for the future. But make it clear that your concern comes from fear of losing the one you have discovered is priceless to you.
In reality, she is the one that should be nursing fears about you. She is not only taking a risk giving her heart to you, but also taking a chance with her money.
She is doing this because to an extent she knows that your love for her is real, not based on what you can get from her.
All you need is her assurance that she is yours. Even if you find the money to perform some sorts of marital rites on her, she still won’t stay if her mind isn’t made up about you.
Every relationship needs breathing space to avoid chocking. She needs freedom to give you her best; evolve to the kind of woman that will give you complete happiness. Your kind of woman will only emerge if you have the confidence required to make her give to you unconditionally.
Insisting you want to perform some marriage rites before she goes for her national youth service is telling her that you don’t trust her. Honestly, if you don’t make the efforts to allow her past remain exactly there, you will be sending out wrong signals to her by your actions.
Besides, as a man, you need to establish yourself before thinking of marriage. This is what would give you the respect and authority of the man in the house. That she supported you while in school doesn’t mean it is something you must continue to allow her to do.
To do that is to set a pattern in your marriage that you will later regret. The dignity of every man is in his ability to provide for the home. Even if she is to support you, you as the man must take the lead.
Above and beyond, marriage requires more planning and attention you are giving to it. As a man the act shouldn’t not come before the planning. If you struggle to get the money to finance the ceremony, what about the logistic of where you and your wife would stay, and eat? Are you going to feed her on love only?
The real threat to your relationship won’t come from her past, but from your failure to put the right structures in place first.
For now be contented with her attempts to change for good. Your major concern now should be how you would take the lead in the relationship.
You say you are industrious and skilled. What are your plans to become self-sufficient? Do you plan to work for someone or establish your own business? This is the time you have to make all the plans for your financial comfort later in life.
If she happens to get pregnant now, how do you intend to fend for her and the baby given the fact that you are finding it difficult to raise money for the cheapest task of getting married? The expense of fending for a child doesn’t come cheap because babies want to be fed when hungry, changed when diapers are wet or soiled, given the right clothes to wear when the whether demands of it. Babies are very insensitive to hunger and any form of management. What more, not all babies come as planned. Some just come even when every precaution has been taken to prevent their arrival. Do you have plans or resources to attend to this kind of human being?
No mother, no matter how deeply in love with her husband can withstand the hunger or discomfort of her child. Once this kind of situation comes up, a mother not only becomes angry with her man but also ready to do anything to make her child comfortable.
Sincerely, this is why every man must first pay special attention to economic viability when considering marriage than emotional reasoning. Every marriage needs some level of comfort, no matter how minute to be happy.
Towards this end, work towards a financial base that will give you some comfort and respect first as a man.
As long as you are truthful with her regarding your plans, you have no reason to be afraid.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
For the past four years, I’ve been an ardent reader of your column and I draw lessons from your wise counsels.
I trust that you will be of help to me. I am 30, met this girl November last year. I know I love her enough to make her my wife.
Her love is not also in doubt as she has been so caring and supportive morally and financially. I don’t have parents and currently on my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).
I am skillful and industrious, but my problem now is to raise the money for marriage rites as she is also about going for her youth service.
I am determined to do this before she leaves for her service year, because I don’t want to lose her. She is used to a life of luxury provided by various men. She opted for this kind of lifestyle as a result of the many disappointments she encountered in relationships she invested her heart and resources in.
Agatha, do you think she can change completely and become a faithful wife? For now, she is showing positive signs and my people love her.
Please what do you advise?
Didi.
Dear Didi,
There is nobody that cannot change for good. Many a time, we are what we are as results of our experiences, challenges and the kind of environments we find ourselves. It also comes from the kinds of people and advice we get when we are confronted by problems.
The only thing you need to be sure she is going to stay faithful to you is her determination; which is the fuel every quest for change needs to make real.
Telling you her past is to explain why she is who she has become as well as a silent plea for you to treat her well.
If she liked her former lifestyle, she won’t tell you anything about this past or even agree to give you the kind of support she has been giving you. That itself speaks volume of her kind of person. Given the right kind of attention and care, she has what it takes to support a man to success.
Not every woman who has suffered multiple emotional disappointments like her would willingly give her money and heart to any man. Most women who suffer her kind of emotional disappointments end up becoming bitter and out on a revenge mission against any man that come their way.
That she is able to recover and trust in love again should make you comfortable around her. It shows that she has some positive qualities wise men look out for in a woman.
Rather than waste time nurturing fears about her, devote time to reassuring her of your love and sincerity of purpose. Every relationship needs plenty dose of trust to overcome the concomitant challenges of two people coming together to make a life and home.
You cannot move this relationship forward or stretch it to its full potentials if you don’t delete from your mind her past life. To continue to dwell on the possibility of her going back to her past life is to dwarf the growth of your relationship.
However, this isn’t to say you cannot discuss your fears with her. By all means sit her down to share your apprehension for the future. But make it clear that your concern comes from fear of losing the one you have discovered is priceless to you.
In reality, she is the one that should be nursing fears about you. She is not only taking a risk giving her heart to you, but also taking a chance with her money.
She is doing this because to an extent she knows that your love for her is real, not based on what you can get from her.
All you need is her assurance that she is yours. Even if you find the money to perform some sorts of marital rites on her, she still won’t stay if her mind isn’t made up about you.
Every relationship needs breathing space to avoid chocking. She needs freedom to give you her best; evolve to the kind of woman that will give you complete happiness. Your kind of woman will only emerge if you have the confidence required to make her give to you unconditionally.
Insisting you want to perform some marriage rites before she goes for her national youth service is telling her that you don’t trust her. Honestly, if you don’t make the efforts to allow her past remain exactly there, you will be sending out wrong signals to her by your actions.
Besides, as a man, you need to establish yourself before thinking of marriage. This is what would give you the respect and authority of the man in the house. That she supported you while in school doesn’t mean it is something you must continue to allow her to do.
To do that is to set a pattern in your marriage that you will later regret. The dignity of every man is in his ability to provide for the home. Even if she is to support you, you as the man must take the lead.
Above and beyond, marriage requires more planning and attention you are giving to it. As a man the act shouldn’t not come before the planning. If you struggle to get the money to finance the ceremony, what about the logistic of where you and your wife would stay, and eat? Are you going to feed her on love only?
The real threat to your relationship won’t come from her past, but from your failure to put the right structures in place first.
For now be contented with her attempts to change for good. Your major concern now should be how you would take the lead in the relationship.
You say you are industrious and skilled. What are your plans to become self-sufficient? Do you plan to work for someone or establish your own business? This is the time you have to make all the plans for your financial comfort later in life.
If she happens to get pregnant now, how do you intend to fend for her and the baby given the fact that you are finding it difficult to raise money for the cheapest task of getting married? The expense of fending for a child doesn’t come cheap because babies want to be fed when hungry, changed when diapers are wet or soiled, given the right clothes to wear when the whether demands of it. Babies are very insensitive to hunger and any form of management. What more, not all babies come as planned. Some just come even when every precaution has been taken to prevent their arrival. Do you have plans or resources to attend to this kind of human being?
No mother, no matter how deeply in love with her husband can withstand the hunger or discomfort of her child. Once this kind of situation comes up, a mother not only becomes angry with her man but also ready to do anything to make her child comfortable.
Sincerely, this is why every man must first pay special attention to economic viability when considering marriage than emotional reasoning. Every marriage needs some level of comfort, no matter how minute to be happy.
Towards this end, work towards a financial base that will give you some comfort and respect first as a man.
As long as you are truthful with her regarding your plans, you have no reason to be afraid.
Good luck.
Should our love relations end now?
Agatha Edo, 08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com
Dear Agatha,
May the Almighty God give you more wisdom for the good work you are doing.
I am 28 years of age while my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and four months and we are very much in love with each other. Although we are from the same state, live in the same state, we live in different towns.
I only get to see her at weekends when she either comes to visit me or I go to her. I practically know all her friends including those ones that live off campus.
We have been very happy together until recently when I went to visit her and met a female friend in her room at 9:30 p.m.
After staying a while, I left the room and she quickly followed me. Outside she told me her friend would be passing the night in her room. Since I came to be with her, I was irritated by this information and told her the arrangement did not go down well with me since it would prevent any privacy between us.
To underscore my annoyance, I told her I would be going back to town since my aim of coming was defeated. She thought I was bluffing since it was already too late for me to get any vehicle back to town.
Agatha, I had to pass the night at the Police Station since there was no vehicle back to town and no other place I could go that night.
She called later to find out where I was and became very angry when I told her of my decision to take shelter at a Police Station when I couldn’t get any vehicle back to town.
When I called her the next day from my house to tell her I had got home, she told me to return all her pictures and other items with me. I was very disappointment by her reactions but I still went to her but without the pictures.
In response to my query, she said she said those things out of annoyance for my decision to sleep at the Police Station leaving her and her friend in the house. We were however able to settle the disagreement.
Agatha, from what I have narrated, who was at fault? Let assume for the sake argument I was wrong, is that enough reason for her to demand I return her pictures and other items with me?
I love this girl so much, but how can I be sure this will not repeat itself in future if I do anything wrong? Advise me whether to quit or what measures I should take because I would not want to regret my action in future.
I am so confused please help me.
Law.
Dear Law,
You are both guilty of immaturity. Even if she didn’t discuss the need for her friend to pass the night at her place with you, you still should have handled the matter with maturity.
Social courtesy demanded you listened to her explanation and reasoned it out with her. Yes, you came to be with her but what harm would have resulted in you accommodating the friend of your girlfriend that night? You acted selfishly and unreasonably by walking out on them. It didn’t present you to her or the friend as a reasonable man or one who is friendly.
Even if you came to have sex with your girlfriend, that one-night abstinence wouldn’t have caused you any major harm.
Besides, it was foolhardy of you to have left in the middle of the night all because you couldn’t have your way of spending the night with your girlfriend. What if something terrible had happened? What would be your excuse? That you died a needless death because of sex?
Agreed she was wrong to have taken the decision to shelter her friend that night without consulting you first, more so, as she was expecting you that day, you didn’t have to leave if for nothing, for the sake of your safety.
A lot of things could have gone wrong and she would easily have become the prime suspect of people who are in the know that you went to visit her.
No amount of provocation is worth compromising one’s life for.
Again, love means sharing. If you love her, you would also consider her feelings. How do you expect her or that friend to feel when you walked out on them?
To be candid, your attitude was embarrassing and full of provocations. Even if you didn’t mean to, you made her feel the only thing you were interested in her was sex.
Your decision to sleep in the Police Station instead of her room and her friend in safety of her room may have made her so angry and loathsome of you. Her reactions were perfectly normal but asking you to return her pictures and other things with her were childish.
But that doesn’t mean she loves you less. It is just her way of showing disapproval.
From what has happened, it is obvious you both still have a long way to go. Your relationship is obviously deficient in so many things. Love doesn’t form simply by expressing it through the words of the mouth alone. It is something you both must devote all your energy and time to make it work. You both must resolve to take this relationship out of the bedroom into the open air where it would be possible for you to each learn what makes the other tick. You have to study your tolerance levels, your ideals, understand your need of each other beyond the thrills of sex, know how to become friends with each other as well as appreciating the uniqueness that make you both different from everybody else. Love is a huge willingness to sacrifice yourself for your partner.
Unless you devote time to know the real and important sides of each other, this relationship may not last because values you both need to succeed as an item are still missing.
Importantly, you should pray for wisdom and maturity to be able to govern your home successfully.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
May the Almighty God give you more wisdom for the good work you are doing.
I am 28 years of age while my girlfriend is 21. We have been together for a year and four months and we are very much in love with each other. Although we are from the same state, live in the same state, we live in different towns.
I only get to see her at weekends when she either comes to visit me or I go to her. I practically know all her friends including those ones that live off campus.
We have been very happy together until recently when I went to visit her and met a female friend in her room at 9:30 p.m.
After staying a while, I left the room and she quickly followed me. Outside she told me her friend would be passing the night in her room. Since I came to be with her, I was irritated by this information and told her the arrangement did not go down well with me since it would prevent any privacy between us.
To underscore my annoyance, I told her I would be going back to town since my aim of coming was defeated. She thought I was bluffing since it was already too late for me to get any vehicle back to town.
Agatha, I had to pass the night at the Police Station since there was no vehicle back to town and no other place I could go that night.
She called later to find out where I was and became very angry when I told her of my decision to take shelter at a Police Station when I couldn’t get any vehicle back to town.
When I called her the next day from my house to tell her I had got home, she told me to return all her pictures and other items with me. I was very disappointment by her reactions but I still went to her but without the pictures.
In response to my query, she said she said those things out of annoyance for my decision to sleep at the Police Station leaving her and her friend in the house. We were however able to settle the disagreement.
Agatha, from what I have narrated, who was at fault? Let assume for the sake argument I was wrong, is that enough reason for her to demand I return her pictures and other items with me?
I love this girl so much, but how can I be sure this will not repeat itself in future if I do anything wrong? Advise me whether to quit or what measures I should take because I would not want to regret my action in future.
I am so confused please help me.
Law.
Dear Law,
You are both guilty of immaturity. Even if she didn’t discuss the need for her friend to pass the night at her place with you, you still should have handled the matter with maturity.
Social courtesy demanded you listened to her explanation and reasoned it out with her. Yes, you came to be with her but what harm would have resulted in you accommodating the friend of your girlfriend that night? You acted selfishly and unreasonably by walking out on them. It didn’t present you to her or the friend as a reasonable man or one who is friendly.
Even if you came to have sex with your girlfriend, that one-night abstinence wouldn’t have caused you any major harm.
Besides, it was foolhardy of you to have left in the middle of the night all because you couldn’t have your way of spending the night with your girlfriend. What if something terrible had happened? What would be your excuse? That you died a needless death because of sex?
Agreed she was wrong to have taken the decision to shelter her friend that night without consulting you first, more so, as she was expecting you that day, you didn’t have to leave if for nothing, for the sake of your safety.
A lot of things could have gone wrong and she would easily have become the prime suspect of people who are in the know that you went to visit her.
No amount of provocation is worth compromising one’s life for.
Again, love means sharing. If you love her, you would also consider her feelings. How do you expect her or that friend to feel when you walked out on them?
To be candid, your attitude was embarrassing and full of provocations. Even if you didn’t mean to, you made her feel the only thing you were interested in her was sex.
Your decision to sleep in the Police Station instead of her room and her friend in safety of her room may have made her so angry and loathsome of you. Her reactions were perfectly normal but asking you to return her pictures and other things with her were childish.
But that doesn’t mean she loves you less. It is just her way of showing disapproval.
From what has happened, it is obvious you both still have a long way to go. Your relationship is obviously deficient in so many things. Love doesn’t form simply by expressing it through the words of the mouth alone. It is something you both must devote all your energy and time to make it work. You both must resolve to take this relationship out of the bedroom into the open air where it would be possible for you to each learn what makes the other tick. You have to study your tolerance levels, your ideals, understand your need of each other beyond the thrills of sex, know how to become friends with each other as well as appreciating the uniqueness that make you both different from everybody else. Love is a huge willingness to sacrifice yourself for your partner.
Unless you devote time to know the real and important sides of each other, this relationship may not last because values you both need to succeed as an item are still missing.
Importantly, you should pray for wisdom and maturity to be able to govern your home successfully.
Good luck
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Before she marries a chronic womaniser, gold-digger…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am caught between two friends. One is my best friend from childhood while the other one is my roommate in school.
Recently, my roommate had a lot to talk about her recent boyfriend; how much he loves and supports her. According to her, he recently came back from London where he went to study and ready to marry her as soon as she writes her final examination.
From everything she has told me about him, I gathered he must be from a very rich family. He comes with different cars. Even the gifts he gives her were the expensive kind.
Because we are in our final year, I have been very busy, but recently I demanded to meet her Romeo. She tried to call him to fix the date, but his number wasn’t going through. She promised to fix the meeting between us for the following weekend.
She however came back to inform me that her boyfriend said, he won’t be around that weekend; that he would be in South Africa with his father.
The following day, she was in the bathroom when her phone rang. I called out to her, but she told me to tell her boyfriend that she would call him back. It was the first time I was seeing the picture of her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe I was staring at the picture of my childhood husband, the same man, her father, helped to set up as a mechanic when he got her pregnant.
I didn’t want to speak with him, so I allowed the phone to terminate itself. When my friend got out of the bathroom, I lied that I was also on the phone talking to my boyfriend, hence couldn’t answer her call.
I told her that since we were free for the day, she and I should pay her boyfriend a surprised visit to his house.
Being a very honest person, she told me she didn’t know where he stayed and that they always meet at hotel rooms. According to her, his excuse for not taking her home is because his father wants him to marry the daughter of his best friend.
I allowed it to go, but insisted she should call him and tell him to come and take us out.
When she called him, he told her that he was still in South Africa and that he roamed his number.
Well, I allowed her be. But made up my mind to visit my best friend later that day.
Fortunately, I met her with her husband at home. When she left to attend to something inside the house, I told him about his little escapade with my roommate and warned him to end it or I will spill the beans.
He at first pretended not to know what I was talking about but when he knew I was serious promised to end it all.
But to my pains, he hasn’t and is now blackmailing me that he would tell his wife that I was in the know about his relationship with my roommate from the beginning; that I actually supported both of them dating.
I don’t know what to do because my friend and her family have done so much for him. I don’t want my roommate getting hurt because she is falling for all his lies about being the son of an important person in the country, while in fact, he lives off the name and prestige of his wife’s family.
How do I get him to leave my roommate alone and facing his family?
I know from my friend that he is a habitual womaniser but decided to look the other way because of their child.
How do I help my friends? My roommate is preparing for her final examinations. Will telling her now not affect her?
Worried Friend.
Dear Worried Friend,
Silence they say is golden, but this is that instance that silence isn’t golden. Even if you don’t tell his wife about it, please warn your roommate that she is heading for emotional pains and disaster. She will never forgive you for keeping such vital information from her. While telling the wife about her husband’s adventure is out of place, but nothing stops you from telling your roommate about the nature of the man she is daily getting deeper into.
If you don’t tell her and she finds out later that you knew all along that this man was simply out to play her for a fool, defraud her emotionally, she will think you are a very bad person who enjoys watching people around her suffer.
By then it would be too late to salvage your years of friendship as nothing you say would make sense to her or people who get to hear.
This is why you must resist attempts by this man to blackmail you into keeping quiet about what you know about him. Call your roommate and tell her all you know about this man. It is better you risk losing her friendship because you told her the truth rathan for watching her make a complete fool of herself. It is better she weeps now than later when she would have invested too much trust, dream into a man that was never hers from the beginning.
Telling her now would help her focus; know what she is up against and make all the necessary decisions concerning her other options now.
If you allow her to continue with the relationship, she will only get deeper and deeper into it. Already, deep inside her, like every woman her age is already envisioning the tolling of wedding bells between the two of them. Some decisions are always very difficult to make. There is no time you tell her about this man that will always be right because it involves her life, emotions and future. Being young, you know this is the time, after graduation that the chemistry of marriage becomes very profound.
Even if she hasn’t said anything to you, in her mind’s eyes, she is already married to this Romeo.
You will be there to help her regain her equilibrium; redirect her mind to her reason for being in school. You will be there to offer her your shoulders as well as help talk sense into her. Don’t delay; tell her.
The fact that this man lacks remorse, tried to blackmail you into keeping quiet showcases him as a selfish and callous man. It is obvious he doesn’t care about her, his wife or any woman for that matter. He is simply out to have fun at her expense. If she is sensible, she will thank you for telling her the truth and not feel especially as the man involved has told her nothing but lies.
Let her know also that the wife is your friend. Offer to take her on a visit to your friend’s house. Not only will it further expose all the lies the man has told her about his affluent family, but also the truth about his marital status. Ensure you go on the visit when he is most likely to be at home; it will also communicate your own determination not to be intimidated by his threats.
You could also threaten to expose his double life and numerous lies to the parents of your friend. And when next you are discussing with him, ensure you have him on tape. Knowing that you are capable of exposing his excesses to his in-laws will make him think twice about certain things concerning his lifestyle.
Having gotten accustomed to living in luxury and style, he wouldn’t want to lose everything by insisting on keeping his kind of lifestyle. He will definitely want to remain on the good side of his wife’s family.
But you also have to find a way of helping your friend make her home happy. Unless he is a chronic womaniser, something is obviously wrong with their marriage.
Granted that from his conduct so far, he has tendency to lie about his life, but more than that is the underlying factor of unhappiness somewhere in their marriage. One thing is for your friend’s family to offer him financial succour another thing is respect. How much respect does he enjoy from his wife and in-laws? His attitude may be borne out of a need to feel like a man in the life of a woman.
You will never know his reasons unless you try to talk to him. From whatever he says, you will know where the real issue is in their union.
If your friend is making the mistake of advertising the fact that without her family’s money, he is nothing, chances are he will continue to find women who make him feel wanted and respect him as the man.
Doubtless he has his fault, but these flaws can be managed and reduced with love and respect by his wife. This is the job you have to do for your friend’s happiness.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am caught between two friends. One is my best friend from childhood while the other one is my roommate in school.
Recently, my roommate had a lot to talk about her recent boyfriend; how much he loves and supports her. According to her, he recently came back from London where he went to study and ready to marry her as soon as she writes her final examination.
From everything she has told me about him, I gathered he must be from a very rich family. He comes with different cars. Even the gifts he gives her were the expensive kind.
Because we are in our final year, I have been very busy, but recently I demanded to meet her Romeo. She tried to call him to fix the date, but his number wasn’t going through. She promised to fix the meeting between us for the following weekend.
She however came back to inform me that her boyfriend said, he won’t be around that weekend; that he would be in South Africa with his father.
The following day, she was in the bathroom when her phone rang. I called out to her, but she told me to tell her boyfriend that she would call him back. It was the first time I was seeing the picture of her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe I was staring at the picture of my childhood husband, the same man, her father, helped to set up as a mechanic when he got her pregnant.
I didn’t want to speak with him, so I allowed the phone to terminate itself. When my friend got out of the bathroom, I lied that I was also on the phone talking to my boyfriend, hence couldn’t answer her call.
I told her that since we were free for the day, she and I should pay her boyfriend a surprised visit to his house.
Being a very honest person, she told me she didn’t know where he stayed and that they always meet at hotel rooms. According to her, his excuse for not taking her home is because his father wants him to marry the daughter of his best friend.
I allowed it to go, but insisted she should call him and tell him to come and take us out.
When she called him, he told her that he was still in South Africa and that he roamed his number.
Well, I allowed her be. But made up my mind to visit my best friend later that day.
Fortunately, I met her with her husband at home. When she left to attend to something inside the house, I told him about his little escapade with my roommate and warned him to end it or I will spill the beans.
He at first pretended not to know what I was talking about but when he knew I was serious promised to end it all.
But to my pains, he hasn’t and is now blackmailing me that he would tell his wife that I was in the know about his relationship with my roommate from the beginning; that I actually supported both of them dating.
I don’t know what to do because my friend and her family have done so much for him. I don’t want my roommate getting hurt because she is falling for all his lies about being the son of an important person in the country, while in fact, he lives off the name and prestige of his wife’s family.
How do I get him to leave my roommate alone and facing his family?
I know from my friend that he is a habitual womaniser but decided to look the other way because of their child.
How do I help my friends? My roommate is preparing for her final examinations. Will telling her now not affect her?
Worried Friend.
Dear Worried Friend,
Silence they say is golden, but this is that instance that silence isn’t golden. Even if you don’t tell his wife about it, please warn your roommate that she is heading for emotional pains and disaster. She will never forgive you for keeping such vital information from her. While telling the wife about her husband’s adventure is out of place, but nothing stops you from telling your roommate about the nature of the man she is daily getting deeper into.
If you don’t tell her and she finds out later that you knew all along that this man was simply out to play her for a fool, defraud her emotionally, she will think you are a very bad person who enjoys watching people around her suffer.
By then it would be too late to salvage your years of friendship as nothing you say would make sense to her or people who get to hear.
This is why you must resist attempts by this man to blackmail you into keeping quiet about what you know about him. Call your roommate and tell her all you know about this man. It is better you risk losing her friendship because you told her the truth rathan for watching her make a complete fool of herself. It is better she weeps now than later when she would have invested too much trust, dream into a man that was never hers from the beginning.
Telling her now would help her focus; know what she is up against and make all the necessary decisions concerning her other options now.
If you allow her to continue with the relationship, she will only get deeper and deeper into it. Already, deep inside her, like every woman her age is already envisioning the tolling of wedding bells between the two of them. Some decisions are always very difficult to make. There is no time you tell her about this man that will always be right because it involves her life, emotions and future. Being young, you know this is the time, after graduation that the chemistry of marriage becomes very profound.
Even if she hasn’t said anything to you, in her mind’s eyes, she is already married to this Romeo.
You will be there to help her regain her equilibrium; redirect her mind to her reason for being in school. You will be there to offer her your shoulders as well as help talk sense into her. Don’t delay; tell her.
The fact that this man lacks remorse, tried to blackmail you into keeping quiet showcases him as a selfish and callous man. It is obvious he doesn’t care about her, his wife or any woman for that matter. He is simply out to have fun at her expense. If she is sensible, she will thank you for telling her the truth and not feel especially as the man involved has told her nothing but lies.
Let her know also that the wife is your friend. Offer to take her on a visit to your friend’s house. Not only will it further expose all the lies the man has told her about his affluent family, but also the truth about his marital status. Ensure you go on the visit when he is most likely to be at home; it will also communicate your own determination not to be intimidated by his threats.
You could also threaten to expose his double life and numerous lies to the parents of your friend. And when next you are discussing with him, ensure you have him on tape. Knowing that you are capable of exposing his excesses to his in-laws will make him think twice about certain things concerning his lifestyle.
Having gotten accustomed to living in luxury and style, he wouldn’t want to lose everything by insisting on keeping his kind of lifestyle. He will definitely want to remain on the good side of his wife’s family.
But you also have to find a way of helping your friend make her home happy. Unless he is a chronic womaniser, something is obviously wrong with their marriage.
Granted that from his conduct so far, he has tendency to lie about his life, but more than that is the underlying factor of unhappiness somewhere in their marriage. One thing is for your friend’s family to offer him financial succour another thing is respect. How much respect does he enjoy from his wife and in-laws? His attitude may be borne out of a need to feel like a man in the life of a woman.
You will never know his reasons unless you try to talk to him. From whatever he says, you will know where the real issue is in their union.
If your friend is making the mistake of advertising the fact that without her family’s money, he is nothing, chances are he will continue to find women who make him feel wanted and respect him as the man.
Doubtless he has his fault, but these flaws can be managed and reduced with love and respect by his wife. This is the job you have to do for your friend’s happiness.
Good luck.
Caught my fiancée in bed with my best man… Caught my fiancée in bed with my best man… Caught my fiancée in bed with my best man…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. Saturday, Feburary 18, is my wedding day. I am supposed to marry the lady I have dated for four years. This is one lady I trusted so much and would have done anything to please.
Last Saturday, after leaving my best man’s house, I changed my mind about going home and decided to go over to my girlfriend’s house. It was something that I didn’t plan or discuss with anybody. I simply wanted to see her even though I had seen her that day before seeing my best man. The funny thing is that I had called her as I was leaving my best friend’s house to inform her about my movement.
So she wasn’t expecting me at all. On my way to her house, I discovered I had a flat tyre. It took me another 30 minutes to fix it. Ordinarily that would have made me change my mind about going to her place, instead in a very strange way, I was extra-determined to see her that night.
It was as if something greater than I was propelling me to her place.
By the time I got to her place, it was almost 9pm. I didn’t bother to drive into the compound. The security man wasn’t at his post, so I went in without anybody noticing me.
And since I had my keys, I opened the back door, walked into the sitting room since the television was on. I thought she was in there, but she wasn’t and neither was her flat mate. So I decided to check her in the room. Right there on her bed was my wife to be and my best man. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The rage with which I called out their names drew their attention to my presence.
I don’t know how I managed to drive back to my house that night. It remains a mystery.
Although both of them have made frantic efforts at reaching me, I have refused to take any of their calls.
Agatha, I am too hurt and pained to discuss the matter with anyone. I have tried to find explanations for their actions, but nothing is making sense to me even till now.
I can’t even tell my mother and my siblings about my pains. There is no one to turn to, Agatha please help me so I won’t kill myself before Saturday. I love her so much. How can two people I trusted most in the world do this to me? And what more, she is pregnant. What do I do about it? Now, I am not so sure if the pregnancy is mine. I don’t know how to tell my family, even if I want to tell anybody for that matter. I just feel like the end of the world is here.
Jide.
Dear Jide,
You need to talk to someone immediately. I sent you a mail requesting you see me urgently, but I haven’t heard from you. I honestly didn’t want this published, thought you and I could resolve it privately.
Anyway, Jide there is nothing new under the sun and no situation without a solution. God doesn’t do anything without a reason. From your story, He planned all these carefully for your benefit.
If someone else had told you that your bestfriend and wife to be were dating, chances are you wouldn’t have believed, thinking it was all part of a plot to destroy your relationships with them.
The fact that you didn’t plan to go, had a flat tyre that delayed you, didn’t meet the security man at his post, went in through the back door to her unlocked room underscores the presence of God in all that happened that night.
He never does anything without a reason and chance for us to thank Him later. Bitter and painful as this situation is, appreciate the emotional pains He saved you from. How would you have felt or handled the situation if you are finding out that the two people you trusted are dating after the wedding ceremony? At least, now you have a choice of not going ahead with the wedding, but what if you had found out after the wedding and years of marriage with children?
How would you have handled the knowledge that the children may not be yours? The hurtful awareness that children you thought, treated and loved like your own may at the end of the day belong to your best friend would be more profound than what you are currently feeling.
Granted, you found out about them almost on the eve of your wedding ceremony, but you can walk away with minimal damage to you at the end of the day.
And talking to your family members is the only way you can really put this entire episode behind you. Had it being that your wedding ceremony isn’t just a few days away, you could easily handle it on your own without telling your family. But the issue has gone beyond you, you owe it to the people you have invited to your wedding ceremony some forms of explanations. Nobody outside your family members needs to know the truth; you could simply tell them that for circumstances beyond your control, the wedding date has been postponed.
Ask for some time off from the office to recover from your pains of betrayal. By the time you come back, the interested questions that would be generated by your announcement would have blown over.
From my experience, brooding over the issue of why these two became disloyal to you at this point in time won’t do you any good. Rather than decrease the pains, you will become more hurt. Don’t even try to find a reason instead, just ponder on the goodness and mercy of God in all these. I know it is difficult, but you need the help of God to outgrow this overpowering feeling of accute emotioal pains as well as the urge to end it all.
You also need the help of your family to trust in yourself again. Right now, nothing makes sense to you, your self-worth is at its lowest. Please share it with your family to restore your trust in your own judgement and person.
Any woman that can sleep with her husband’s best friend some few days to her wedding isn’t worth dying for. She has made her choice, if she loved you at all, respected you, no matter what, she wouldn’t have done that to you.
Nothing you say or do can change the reality of that scene you witnessed. This is one fact you must learn to live and deal with. This is that time in one’s life when one has to be very real.
I know how difficult it must be for you to let go of someone you consider so special, someone you have loved for four years, envisions yourself spending the rest of your life with, but you are at that crucial point in your life when you must place side-by-side reality and desire. If you go with what you still feel for her what about all the tomorrows you have ahead of you? What about all the many male friends you will have and still have? Will you be able to ever trust her with any of them?
What about her many male colleagues? Will you be able to accept any of them as just a mere colleague of hers?
Marriage needs more than love to remain whole. It needs plenty of trust and respect. A good and happy marriage also requires loyalty. For a woman, especially, this is not negotiable.
These are all the in between feelings that guarantee a very peaceful home. Once any of these is missing in a marriage, the home becomes a kind of prison. Besides, will your average male ego tolerate knowing that another man could be sleeping with your wife? You may love her, but will that love be able to sustain this kind of betrayal?
Quietly let go of her and your friend because of the delicate nature of a woman who is in love. Wisdom demands caution from you at all level.
As for the issue of her pregnancy, make out time to see her to discuss how you intend to support her during and after the pregnancy.
Frankly, this isn’t the time for you to question the paternity of the unborn child. Since she has fingered you as the father, don’t allow what you witnessed stop you from doing what is right. Plently of time to determine whom the true father of the child is.
Finally, don’t allow this incident destroy your trust in women. See it as God’s way of preventing you from making a costly mistake in life. If you and her were meant to be an item forever, no matter the temptation, she wouldn’t have done what she did. This happened because God wasn’t present in your relationship from the beginning. It is best you lose four years than your entire lifetime of happiness.
One day, when you meet the right woman, you will look to this incident with thanksgiving. Just trust in God and the healing power of time.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. Saturday, Feburary 18, is my wedding day. I am supposed to marry the lady I have dated for four years. This is one lady I trusted so much and would have done anything to please.
Last Saturday, after leaving my best man’s house, I changed my mind about going home and decided to go over to my girlfriend’s house. It was something that I didn’t plan or discuss with anybody. I simply wanted to see her even though I had seen her that day before seeing my best man. The funny thing is that I had called her as I was leaving my best friend’s house to inform her about my movement.
So she wasn’t expecting me at all. On my way to her house, I discovered I had a flat tyre. It took me another 30 minutes to fix it. Ordinarily that would have made me change my mind about going to her place, instead in a very strange way, I was extra-determined to see her that night.
It was as if something greater than I was propelling me to her place.
By the time I got to her place, it was almost 9pm. I didn’t bother to drive into the compound. The security man wasn’t at his post, so I went in without anybody noticing me.
And since I had my keys, I opened the back door, walked into the sitting room since the television was on. I thought she was in there, but she wasn’t and neither was her flat mate. So I decided to check her in the room. Right there on her bed was my wife to be and my best man. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The rage with which I called out their names drew their attention to my presence.
I don’t know how I managed to drive back to my house that night. It remains a mystery.
Although both of them have made frantic efforts at reaching me, I have refused to take any of their calls.
Agatha, I am too hurt and pained to discuss the matter with anyone. I have tried to find explanations for their actions, but nothing is making sense to me even till now.
I can’t even tell my mother and my siblings about my pains. There is no one to turn to, Agatha please help me so I won’t kill myself before Saturday. I love her so much. How can two people I trusted most in the world do this to me? And what more, she is pregnant. What do I do about it? Now, I am not so sure if the pregnancy is mine. I don’t know how to tell my family, even if I want to tell anybody for that matter. I just feel like the end of the world is here.
Jide.
Dear Jide,
You need to talk to someone immediately. I sent you a mail requesting you see me urgently, but I haven’t heard from you. I honestly didn’t want this published, thought you and I could resolve it privately.
Anyway, Jide there is nothing new under the sun and no situation without a solution. God doesn’t do anything without a reason. From your story, He planned all these carefully for your benefit.
If someone else had told you that your bestfriend and wife to be were dating, chances are you wouldn’t have believed, thinking it was all part of a plot to destroy your relationships with them.
The fact that you didn’t plan to go, had a flat tyre that delayed you, didn’t meet the security man at his post, went in through the back door to her unlocked room underscores the presence of God in all that happened that night.
He never does anything without a reason and chance for us to thank Him later. Bitter and painful as this situation is, appreciate the emotional pains He saved you from. How would you have felt or handled the situation if you are finding out that the two people you trusted are dating after the wedding ceremony? At least, now you have a choice of not going ahead with the wedding, but what if you had found out after the wedding and years of marriage with children?
How would you have handled the knowledge that the children may not be yours? The hurtful awareness that children you thought, treated and loved like your own may at the end of the day belong to your best friend would be more profound than what you are currently feeling.
Granted, you found out about them almost on the eve of your wedding ceremony, but you can walk away with minimal damage to you at the end of the day.
And talking to your family members is the only way you can really put this entire episode behind you. Had it being that your wedding ceremony isn’t just a few days away, you could easily handle it on your own without telling your family. But the issue has gone beyond you, you owe it to the people you have invited to your wedding ceremony some forms of explanations. Nobody outside your family members needs to know the truth; you could simply tell them that for circumstances beyond your control, the wedding date has been postponed.
Ask for some time off from the office to recover from your pains of betrayal. By the time you come back, the interested questions that would be generated by your announcement would have blown over.
From my experience, brooding over the issue of why these two became disloyal to you at this point in time won’t do you any good. Rather than decrease the pains, you will become more hurt. Don’t even try to find a reason instead, just ponder on the goodness and mercy of God in all these. I know it is difficult, but you need the help of God to outgrow this overpowering feeling of accute emotioal pains as well as the urge to end it all.
You also need the help of your family to trust in yourself again. Right now, nothing makes sense to you, your self-worth is at its lowest. Please share it with your family to restore your trust in your own judgement and person.
Any woman that can sleep with her husband’s best friend some few days to her wedding isn’t worth dying for. She has made her choice, if she loved you at all, respected you, no matter what, she wouldn’t have done that to you.
Nothing you say or do can change the reality of that scene you witnessed. This is one fact you must learn to live and deal with. This is that time in one’s life when one has to be very real.
I know how difficult it must be for you to let go of someone you consider so special, someone you have loved for four years, envisions yourself spending the rest of your life with, but you are at that crucial point in your life when you must place side-by-side reality and desire. If you go with what you still feel for her what about all the tomorrows you have ahead of you? What about all the many male friends you will have and still have? Will you be able to ever trust her with any of them?
What about her many male colleagues? Will you be able to accept any of them as just a mere colleague of hers?
Marriage needs more than love to remain whole. It needs plenty of trust and respect. A good and happy marriage also requires loyalty. For a woman, especially, this is not negotiable.
These are all the in between feelings that guarantee a very peaceful home. Once any of these is missing in a marriage, the home becomes a kind of prison. Besides, will your average male ego tolerate knowing that another man could be sleeping with your wife? You may love her, but will that love be able to sustain this kind of betrayal?
Quietly let go of her and your friend because of the delicate nature of a woman who is in love. Wisdom demands caution from you at all level.
As for the issue of her pregnancy, make out time to see her to discuss how you intend to support her during and after the pregnancy.
Frankly, this isn’t the time for you to question the paternity of the unborn child. Since she has fingered you as the father, don’t allow what you witnessed stop you from doing what is right. Plently of time to determine whom the true father of the child is.
Finally, don’t allow this incident destroy your trust in women. See it as God’s way of preventing you from making a costly mistake in life. If you and her were meant to be an item forever, no matter the temptation, she wouldn’t have done what she did. This happened because God wasn’t present in your relationship from the beginning. It is best you lose four years than your entire lifetime of happiness.
One day, when you meet the right woman, you will look to this incident with thanksgiving. Just trust in God and the healing power of time.
Good luck
Let’s talk about true love in colours
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Readers,
Today is Valentine’s Day; that special day in the year when lovers, both old and young, come together to celebrate love.
It is the one day in the year when the chemistry of love overflows its border. Regrettably too, it is also that time of the year when many young girls especially end up with painful memories or unwanted babies. In place of love, many people both young and old now see it as one day to throw caution into the winds and give nature right of way to do as it pleases.
Since becoming a popular celebration in the country, a lot of misconceptions and wrong ideas have been wrapped into the celebration. These days, both young and old men hide under the euphoria of the chemistry of the day to do whatever they like without thinking of the repercussion.
Usually at this time of the year, we hold our annual “Just Before Valentine” seminar. But we are unable to organise the programme this year due to the nationwide strike in the month of January.
However, we will discuss some issues that came up at last year’s conference today on this page.
One question the majority of participants asked was the colour of true love.
The subject matter of love remains as confusing as ever. Every age has had to grapple with its convolution; and find an interpretation that makes the theme more graspable to the mass.
But no age has had to battle the kernel of love like the contemporary age due primarily to information and social and cultural pollination. This has naturally caused a quake in the way we react to certain issues. While our native cultures and society defined love as submissiveness to her man and selfrespect on the part of the woman, these days, young men and women have thrown the old order into the dustbin of time. Now, young men insist that love is the woman submitting to their sexual advances on demand. Unlike in the old days when a woman is expected to come untouched to her man on her wedding night, modern boys and girls fast track the process so much so young men at first meeting demand sex from their dates.
Any girl who refuses, is tagged old fashioned and a bad game.
The confusion of the modern age about love is so profound that a lot of young men and women mistake likeness and raw sexual feelings for love. These days, any kind of feeling, that allows a man and woman to sit and talk can be given the appellation of love. Even the desire to have a fling these days can be packaged as love.
Unfortunately, this kind of triviality of the nature of love is what many couples are taking into marriage. the consequences is a caricature of what should be. This lack of understanding of the demands of the marriage institution underscores the daily failure of most contemporary marriages to stand the text of time.
The foundation provided most modern marriages is such that the couples lack the perception that good sex isn’t what a good marriage really needs to survive the attendant turbulence of two strangers coming together to make a home. By all standards, a good marriage must have the kind of shock absorbers to withstand even the most difficult of issues.
But how many relationships or marriages have that kind of absorbers that marriages of the olden days have? How many modern couples or women can endure the hardship that is interwoven into marriages?
There is no denying the essential fact that so many things have gone wrong with our views, value and placement of the marriage institution. A lot of the time, it is discovered that many young couples lack the basic reason they got married in the first place. Some come with the ridiculous reasons of getting married because others are doing it or that age is no more on their side.
Saddly, all these raison d’être come to naught when the real issues of marriage come up. While anybody can get married because others are doing it, the same logic cannot make the marriage work.
A good marriage must be fuelled on qualities that go beyond what a man or woman looks like to the real issues such as adaptability and comprehension of all the things that must first be invested into the relationship.
If intending couples learn from the early stage that marriage is like a business venture, which must first be adequately funded before the profits can roll in, then a lot of young couples will have an idea of what is in stock for them.
Interestingly, there is no deliberate attempt by parents and the society to inculcate the right teachings into the young ones.
Many a time, we surface shine what should be left crude and what we should leave in its rudimentary, we beautify. Doubtless, a lot of young couples will today be interested in that aspect of a relationship we should leave in its raw form. Today, the concentration will be on sex, plently, quick and hot. The value of today has been turned inside out; love has been reduced to just sex. Once a couple is having the best of it, both parties develop the notion of being in love. The next thing is the jingling of wedding bells.
Too late, they realise that good sex alone cannot sustain a good marriage. Actuality peels away every fantasy over such a short time that many wonder why they even agreed to marry their partners.
The elasticity of relationship/marriage needs tolerance borne out of understanding to keep fine tuning. Herein lies the true colour and nature of love. A love that isn’t subjected to the pains of time, cannot endure the many adjustments two people making a life together subject it to isn’t worth going into in the first place.
The true nature of love comes into full bloom only after so much sacrifices have gone into it. This is the kind of love parents bequeath to their children because in their own security, they are able to communicate to their children what shade of true love requires.
Even though the colours of Valentine are bright red and white, in the real sense, the colours of love can become very ugly after the first few days, but with patience will regain its true colours.
Every girl out there today, must remember that not all that glitters is gold. It is the nature of men to come after a woman; it is the duty of the woman to insist on slowing him down to avoid being the prey at the end of the day.
Every girl deserves a chance to be happy; has a right to dream about meeting the right man and falling hopelessly in love. But between the right man and falling in love all sorts of feelings come into play.
Sadly, the lure of the flesh as well as other values that at the end of the day don’t matter are what many girls put place on the market shelf. Without arguments, money is important in a relationship but it doesn’t at the end of the day guarantee happiness.
Ladies, this kind of happiness cannot begin and be concluded on Valentine’s day. It would take several Valentine days for a dating couple to know what they really feel or want from each other. So today, as the love tunes, flowers and chocolates come, young women should refuse to be sucked into the romance mood. It would do them a world of good to listen more to what they are not saying than what they are saying. between what men are saying and not saying, a lot of messages are transmitted. Love isnt just about flowers, romantic songs, eating out or starring into each other’s hearts. To give your feelings for each other character, deeper meaning, look instead into the soul.
Love isnt just a day affair. It is forever. There is no taking its good side without enduring its bad side. Relationships and marriages are failing because true love has been consigned to the dustbin of time. Now, love has turned to a one day affair thing. Two people just meeting for the first time, think it is alright for them to get married on account of that moment of desire.
Therefore the true colours of love are patience, sacrifices, self-restraint, wisdom and self-focus. Without wisdom and patience to look beyond the surface presentation of the person, love will end up becoming painful. It is also important to place side by side one’s own dream, shortfalls alongside the other person’s. This will help in X-raying the kind of sacrifices that await one in such a relationship. It aids one to be prepared for the challenges of making it work at all cost.
This is the ingredient that makes a woman give her all to her boyfriend/husband, makes her accord him all the respect he deserves. Just as it transforms a man to be responsible. The magic of true love is its colour of stability.
Valentine shouldn’t be a day affair. True love deserves to be celebrated every day of our lives.
God bless you all.
Dear Readers,
Today is Valentine’s Day; that special day in the year when lovers, both old and young, come together to celebrate love.
It is the one day in the year when the chemistry of love overflows its border. Regrettably too, it is also that time of the year when many young girls especially end up with painful memories or unwanted babies. In place of love, many people both young and old now see it as one day to throw caution into the winds and give nature right of way to do as it pleases.
Since becoming a popular celebration in the country, a lot of misconceptions and wrong ideas have been wrapped into the celebration. These days, both young and old men hide under the euphoria of the chemistry of the day to do whatever they like without thinking of the repercussion.
Usually at this time of the year, we hold our annual “Just Before Valentine” seminar. But we are unable to organise the programme this year due to the nationwide strike in the month of January.
However, we will discuss some issues that came up at last year’s conference today on this page.
One question the majority of participants asked was the colour of true love.
The subject matter of love remains as confusing as ever. Every age has had to grapple with its convolution; and find an interpretation that makes the theme more graspable to the mass.
But no age has had to battle the kernel of love like the contemporary age due primarily to information and social and cultural pollination. This has naturally caused a quake in the way we react to certain issues. While our native cultures and society defined love as submissiveness to her man and selfrespect on the part of the woman, these days, young men and women have thrown the old order into the dustbin of time. Now, young men insist that love is the woman submitting to their sexual advances on demand. Unlike in the old days when a woman is expected to come untouched to her man on her wedding night, modern boys and girls fast track the process so much so young men at first meeting demand sex from their dates.
Any girl who refuses, is tagged old fashioned and a bad game.
The confusion of the modern age about love is so profound that a lot of young men and women mistake likeness and raw sexual feelings for love. These days, any kind of feeling, that allows a man and woman to sit and talk can be given the appellation of love. Even the desire to have a fling these days can be packaged as love.
Unfortunately, this kind of triviality of the nature of love is what many couples are taking into marriage. the consequences is a caricature of what should be. This lack of understanding of the demands of the marriage institution underscores the daily failure of most contemporary marriages to stand the text of time.
The foundation provided most modern marriages is such that the couples lack the perception that good sex isn’t what a good marriage really needs to survive the attendant turbulence of two strangers coming together to make a home. By all standards, a good marriage must have the kind of shock absorbers to withstand even the most difficult of issues.
But how many relationships or marriages have that kind of absorbers that marriages of the olden days have? How many modern couples or women can endure the hardship that is interwoven into marriages?
There is no denying the essential fact that so many things have gone wrong with our views, value and placement of the marriage institution. A lot of the time, it is discovered that many young couples lack the basic reason they got married in the first place. Some come with the ridiculous reasons of getting married because others are doing it or that age is no more on their side.
Saddly, all these raison d’être come to naught when the real issues of marriage come up. While anybody can get married because others are doing it, the same logic cannot make the marriage work.
A good marriage must be fuelled on qualities that go beyond what a man or woman looks like to the real issues such as adaptability and comprehension of all the things that must first be invested into the relationship.
If intending couples learn from the early stage that marriage is like a business venture, which must first be adequately funded before the profits can roll in, then a lot of young couples will have an idea of what is in stock for them.
Interestingly, there is no deliberate attempt by parents and the society to inculcate the right teachings into the young ones.
Many a time, we surface shine what should be left crude and what we should leave in its rudimentary, we beautify. Doubtless, a lot of young couples will today be interested in that aspect of a relationship we should leave in its raw form. Today, the concentration will be on sex, plently, quick and hot. The value of today has been turned inside out; love has been reduced to just sex. Once a couple is having the best of it, both parties develop the notion of being in love. The next thing is the jingling of wedding bells.
Too late, they realise that good sex alone cannot sustain a good marriage. Actuality peels away every fantasy over such a short time that many wonder why they even agreed to marry their partners.
The elasticity of relationship/marriage needs tolerance borne out of understanding to keep fine tuning. Herein lies the true colour and nature of love. A love that isn’t subjected to the pains of time, cannot endure the many adjustments two people making a life together subject it to isn’t worth going into in the first place.
The true nature of love comes into full bloom only after so much sacrifices have gone into it. This is the kind of love parents bequeath to their children because in their own security, they are able to communicate to their children what shade of true love requires.
Even though the colours of Valentine are bright red and white, in the real sense, the colours of love can become very ugly after the first few days, but with patience will regain its true colours.
Every girl out there today, must remember that not all that glitters is gold. It is the nature of men to come after a woman; it is the duty of the woman to insist on slowing him down to avoid being the prey at the end of the day.
Every girl deserves a chance to be happy; has a right to dream about meeting the right man and falling hopelessly in love. But between the right man and falling in love all sorts of feelings come into play.
Sadly, the lure of the flesh as well as other values that at the end of the day don’t matter are what many girls put place on the market shelf. Without arguments, money is important in a relationship but it doesn’t at the end of the day guarantee happiness.
Ladies, this kind of happiness cannot begin and be concluded on Valentine’s day. It would take several Valentine days for a dating couple to know what they really feel or want from each other. So today, as the love tunes, flowers and chocolates come, young women should refuse to be sucked into the romance mood. It would do them a world of good to listen more to what they are not saying than what they are saying. between what men are saying and not saying, a lot of messages are transmitted. Love isnt just about flowers, romantic songs, eating out or starring into each other’s hearts. To give your feelings for each other character, deeper meaning, look instead into the soul.
Love isnt just a day affair. It is forever. There is no taking its good side without enduring its bad side. Relationships and marriages are failing because true love has been consigned to the dustbin of time. Now, love has turned to a one day affair thing. Two people just meeting for the first time, think it is alright for them to get married on account of that moment of desire.
Therefore the true colours of love are patience, sacrifices, self-restraint, wisdom and self-focus. Without wisdom and patience to look beyond the surface presentation of the person, love will end up becoming painful. It is also important to place side by side one’s own dream, shortfalls alongside the other person’s. This will help in X-raying the kind of sacrifices that await one in such a relationship. It aids one to be prepared for the challenges of making it work at all cost.
This is the ingredient that makes a woman give her all to her boyfriend/husband, makes her accord him all the respect he deserves. Just as it transforms a man to be responsible. The magic of true love is its colour of stability.
Valentine shouldn’t be a day affair. True love deserves to be celebrated every day of our lives.
God bless you all.
My hubby does not refund my money
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. My husband and I are always having misunderstandings. Anytime I loan him money, he doesn’t like refunding it. He gets very angry when I demand for the money. Even when he promises to pay at the end of the month, he never does.
The latest now is, if I become persistent that he gives me back my money, refusing to be intimidated by his anger, he would eventually give me the money but will end up rejecting my food.
What do I do?
Faith.
Dear Faith,
Be careful and develop the patience to understand the nature of your husband. Marriage goes beyond a man and woman agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together.
It is a combination of all the tiny components of life. We are all a puzzle to each other. What makes you happy, may make another person sad. This is why you must take time out to understand and appreciate the nature of your husband properly.
Since it takes two to tango, you must judiciously examine your own weakness too. This is to enable you place your own limitations side by side with your husband’s and know what to avoid to procure peace in your home.
In the first place, you are not the only one with a husband who doesn’t like refunding money collected from his wife. A lot of women before you have learnt to manage such a situation without it affecting their personal relationship with their husbands.
For your husband to refuse food in his house, it means you must have said one or two uncomplimentary things to him on account of the money he collected from you. The first thing is for you to ensure, you make peace with him; no matter the extent of your anger, he remains the head of your home and your husband. In some ways, he may be feeling humiliated by your attitude as well as the things you say to him in anger. A lot of times, women say a lot of hurtful things to their husbands when angry.
Most men don’t forget these things easily and store them up to justify whatever actions they later decide on.
Ideally, whatever a woman has belongs to her husband. Therefore, you, the money you are getting angry with him over, technically belong to him. If for whatever reason he is refusing to give you back the money, there are always ways women, through the ages, have recovered or made money from their husbands.
No matter how stingy a man is, there are ways a woman can make money from him, no matter how little.
As for the actual money he usually borrows from you, instead of always fighting him over it, ensure you give only the money you can afford not to miss. This way, if he doesn’t give it back to you, you will not make a scene or nag him into giving it to you.
The best way to handle this kind of issue in a marriage is to see it as your own contribution to the home. Whatever happens set aside a small sum of money every month to give him when he asks for assistance from you. That he is a man and your husband doesn’t mean he won’t always need help from you.
You, being the closest to him, become his first point of call. If he was your friend, sibling or a member of your extended family, would you insist on getting back such money? Do you expect him to go outside his home if you have to give him? He is coming to you because he knows you can afford to give him.
Part of the problem here is your refusal to let him know what you can afford to give and what you cannot afford to part with. Most couples have the challenge of discussing the state of their finances with their partners. From what is happening, it is obvious that there is a blank page on your individual finances. Both of you have to sit down to thrash out this knotty issue of how much you each have, what you are both willing to share, as well as what you are keeping for yourselves.
As a woman, you may have freedom to do as you like with all your money but as a wife and mother, wisdom demands that you shift grounds a little to make your home conducive for everyone concerned.
It will also help your home if you make it your business to find out what the real challenges are with your husband’s finances. Something must be wrong somewhere for him to be coming to you at intervals for a loan. As a wife, you should ask if there is an issue he should share with you; let him know you are asking because you are concerned and want to help him all you can.
For all you know, his salary may not be enough to meet his side of the responsibility at home but maybe too proud to tell you anything.
However, your concern may make him open up to you, tell you precisely the situation of his finances as well as areas you can help him. Unless you make up your mind to confront the issue once and for all, you will continue to feel bad at his apparent refusal to refund your money.
Therefore rather than nag and cause a disharmony in your home, pleasantly encourage him to discuss with you. At this juncture too, you may have to evaluate your own attitude to money.
Granted that his duty is to look after you but we all know that given the global economic meltdown, a lot of women have to step in to help their homes maintain financial equilibrium. It is just a matter of knowing which one would work for your home. Once you both are able to come clear with how much you each make at the end of the month, the next thing you should do is to share responsibilities. If you have done that before now, the discussion will help you determine whether your husband needs more help in meeting up with his responsibilities. It isn’t always enough to assume he earns a salary, hence has more than enough to play around with. The distribution of his salary may leave him with nothing at the end of the day. Don’t assume he has money and not willing to give it to you. Make the attempt to know what he is going through as a man and your husband.
Then, there are some men who simply don’t see any wrong in not returning money taken from their wives. They are not doing it to spite the woman rather they see such money as an extension of their own money. The woman in this kind of marriage has to learn to make allowances for such a man to avoid constant quarrels at home.
Go to your husband and beg for understanding as well as forgiveness for the way you handled the issue of the money you loaned him. The urgent issue now is getting him interested in eating your food again. There is no way you can discuss the issue at hand without getting past this first. This is because a lot of trust has been damaged. You must be ready to make that sacrifice that will protect your marriage from going down the drain.
Begging him would help make up for some of the things that got him angry. It is only after you have succeeded in getting back in his good books that you should discuss the way forward in your finances.
Also, learn to pray. It makes it easy for couples to take responsibility for their individual actions.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. My husband and I are always having misunderstandings. Anytime I loan him money, he doesn’t like refunding it. He gets very angry when I demand for the money. Even when he promises to pay at the end of the month, he never does.
The latest now is, if I become persistent that he gives me back my money, refusing to be intimidated by his anger, he would eventually give me the money but will end up rejecting my food.
What do I do?
Faith.
Dear Faith,
Be careful and develop the patience to understand the nature of your husband. Marriage goes beyond a man and woman agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together.
It is a combination of all the tiny components of life. We are all a puzzle to each other. What makes you happy, may make another person sad. This is why you must take time out to understand and appreciate the nature of your husband properly.
Since it takes two to tango, you must judiciously examine your own weakness too. This is to enable you place your own limitations side by side with your husband’s and know what to avoid to procure peace in your home.
In the first place, you are not the only one with a husband who doesn’t like refunding money collected from his wife. A lot of women before you have learnt to manage such a situation without it affecting their personal relationship with their husbands.
For your husband to refuse food in his house, it means you must have said one or two uncomplimentary things to him on account of the money he collected from you. The first thing is for you to ensure, you make peace with him; no matter the extent of your anger, he remains the head of your home and your husband. In some ways, he may be feeling humiliated by your attitude as well as the things you say to him in anger. A lot of times, women say a lot of hurtful things to their husbands when angry.
Most men don’t forget these things easily and store them up to justify whatever actions they later decide on.
Ideally, whatever a woman has belongs to her husband. Therefore, you, the money you are getting angry with him over, technically belong to him. If for whatever reason he is refusing to give you back the money, there are always ways women, through the ages, have recovered or made money from their husbands.
No matter how stingy a man is, there are ways a woman can make money from him, no matter how little.
As for the actual money he usually borrows from you, instead of always fighting him over it, ensure you give only the money you can afford not to miss. This way, if he doesn’t give it back to you, you will not make a scene or nag him into giving it to you.
The best way to handle this kind of issue in a marriage is to see it as your own contribution to the home. Whatever happens set aside a small sum of money every month to give him when he asks for assistance from you. That he is a man and your husband doesn’t mean he won’t always need help from you.
You, being the closest to him, become his first point of call. If he was your friend, sibling or a member of your extended family, would you insist on getting back such money? Do you expect him to go outside his home if you have to give him? He is coming to you because he knows you can afford to give him.
Part of the problem here is your refusal to let him know what you can afford to give and what you cannot afford to part with. Most couples have the challenge of discussing the state of their finances with their partners. From what is happening, it is obvious that there is a blank page on your individual finances. Both of you have to sit down to thrash out this knotty issue of how much you each have, what you are both willing to share, as well as what you are keeping for yourselves.
As a woman, you may have freedom to do as you like with all your money but as a wife and mother, wisdom demands that you shift grounds a little to make your home conducive for everyone concerned.
It will also help your home if you make it your business to find out what the real challenges are with your husband’s finances. Something must be wrong somewhere for him to be coming to you at intervals for a loan. As a wife, you should ask if there is an issue he should share with you; let him know you are asking because you are concerned and want to help him all you can.
For all you know, his salary may not be enough to meet his side of the responsibility at home but maybe too proud to tell you anything.
However, your concern may make him open up to you, tell you precisely the situation of his finances as well as areas you can help him. Unless you make up your mind to confront the issue once and for all, you will continue to feel bad at his apparent refusal to refund your money.
Therefore rather than nag and cause a disharmony in your home, pleasantly encourage him to discuss with you. At this juncture too, you may have to evaluate your own attitude to money.
Granted that his duty is to look after you but we all know that given the global economic meltdown, a lot of women have to step in to help their homes maintain financial equilibrium. It is just a matter of knowing which one would work for your home. Once you both are able to come clear with how much you each make at the end of the month, the next thing you should do is to share responsibilities. If you have done that before now, the discussion will help you determine whether your husband needs more help in meeting up with his responsibilities. It isn’t always enough to assume he earns a salary, hence has more than enough to play around with. The distribution of his salary may leave him with nothing at the end of the day. Don’t assume he has money and not willing to give it to you. Make the attempt to know what he is going through as a man and your husband.
Then, there are some men who simply don’t see any wrong in not returning money taken from their wives. They are not doing it to spite the woman rather they see such money as an extension of their own money. The woman in this kind of marriage has to learn to make allowances for such a man to avoid constant quarrels at home.
Go to your husband and beg for understanding as well as forgiveness for the way you handled the issue of the money you loaned him. The urgent issue now is getting him interested in eating your food again. There is no way you can discuss the issue at hand without getting past this first. This is because a lot of trust has been damaged. You must be ready to make that sacrifice that will protect your marriage from going down the drain.
Begging him would help make up for some of the things that got him angry. It is only after you have succeeded in getting back in his good books that you should discuss the way forward in your finances.
Also, learn to pray. It makes it easy for couples to take responsibility for their individual actions.
Good luck.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Met in party, had the fun, now I’m pregnant…
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I urgently need help in resolving the mess I have put myself in.
My birthday was in the first week of December. My friends organised a birthday party for me. It was fun and one thing led to another between one of my male guests and I. we ended up in bed that night. I didn’t plan it, it just happened.
For me, it was fun, one of those things one does. Unfortunately for me, it has resulted in a pregnancy I cannot terminate because of the delicate nature of my womb.
My boyfriend, who has been away for three months just got back into town after the national strike, so cannot pass off the pregnancy as his.
Three things bother me about this pregnancy: I don’t know where the father of my unborn child lives. My friend who organised the party doesn’t even know whom he came with. I can’t even make out his face. I went to the extent I did with him on that day, because I was both lonely and in need of male company. To me, it was meant to be a one night of pure passion with a stranger.
The second issue is how to tell my boyfriend of five years. We have tentatively fixed our wedding day for the second weekend in April. How do I explain to him that I am with another man’s child?
The third problem has to do with my parents. My parents are both pastors and have high hopes for me. As a matter of fact my father still thinks I am a virgin at 25. He, particular, will be so disappointed and how do I explain the lack of father for this child? How do I explain to my parents and boyfriend that I slept with a man I was meeting for the first time?
I truly love and cherish my boyfriend. I honestly didn’t plan any of these to happen. I am so confused and don’t know what to do.
Is there anything I can drink to bring this baby down since all the efforts I have put into terminating it have failed?
There is no way I can keep this baby at all. Keeping it will mean losing my life, dreams and place in my father’s heart. Please tell me what to do since I don’t see myself keeping this pregnancy. If I don’t kill myself first, my father will certainly do it, because he is not only strict; so much so, he doesn’t wed pregnant women in his church. People will mock and laugh at my parents’ ministry and me.
It isn’t as if I cannot cope financially, I earn a good salary as a staffer of a telecommunication company, but the outrage that will follow from every quarter is what I fear the most.
Labake.
Dear Labake,
For all it is worth, this isn’t the end of the road for you. There is no use crying over spilt milk. The harm has been done; there is a baby on the way. These are facts you cannot change, no matter how hard you try. The wise thing to do at this difficult juncture of your life is to learn to accept it as the perfect will of God for you.
It may not be what you want, but it is what life is offering you at this point in time. There is no doubt, people will talk, but it is for only a while. Once the baby is born, they will forget and move on to other things and people, since there will always be issues happening to gossip about.
As for your parents’ ministry, if premised on the strenght and directions of God, it will survive. The ministry belongs to God and not them.
As for the reaction of your parents, especially your father, they will feel bad and disappointed naturally. But, there is nobody on earth that can question what God has permitted. The fact that this baby cannot be terminated underscores some inherent lessons for you, your parents, and young girls like you who take unnecessary risks with their bodies. Allowing a complete stranger get so close to you without any thought of precaution, prevention and consequences was thoughtless, but that is as far as you can go in the area of blame in this issue.
Granted, you have made a mistake, but if you calm down sufficiently to think, you will discover that there is no problem on earth that has no solution.
You are getting hysterical, because you are attempting to solve all the attendant issues at once. Take one at a time. The first person that deserves to be told about your condition is your boyfriend of several years. The earlier you told him the truth, the better for you.
He deserves to know the truth about what happened that day. Don’t leave anything out of your story. As it is, you have hurt him enough; don’t hurt him any further by lying to him about the incident that led to your being pregnant for another man.
In so doing, you have given him his freedom to make up his mind about you or the relationship.
The next thing is to inform your parents about it. At 25, you are no longer a baby, which means nobody is going to condemn you for your actions. It would have been another kettle of fish if you were still underaged. Under every known law, you are an adult – no longer under the control of your parents – so there is really no way they can be blamed for your actions.
Yes, your father will be disappointed because he expected more from you given the kind of training he gave you. But, that is all he can do – get angry. He cannot beat or harm you. The worst he can do at this point is to disown you for giving him a grandchild whose father you don’t know his whereabouts. It would have been a different matter if you cannot point to any man as being responsible. At least you know whom. Although a little consolation given your delicate situation, but God says we should be grateful in every situation we find ourselves.
After informing them, if you can, relocate. You can ask your office to transfer you out of Lagos, but if it is impossible, change your current accomodation before the pregnancy becomes obvious. Go to a place where no one knows you or your history to start all over again.
However, don’t give up on finding the young man you got pregnant for. Take time to go through the list of those your friend invited for the party. If you are thorough and not shy to ask questions, one or two persons must have observed your intimacy to the man that night. Such persons may have the information you need to locate him.
The essence of finding him is not to force him to take responsibility, but to be aware that he has a child somewhere.
There is no situation worth taking one’s life. Time has a way of healing our pains.
As for the unborn child, let it be. That child has a reason for coming. If you insist on terminating the pregnancy you may end up with a deformed child. To add a deformed child to the problems you have is to give yourself a burden you cannot shoulder. Therefore allow the child be. You have made one mistake; don’t make another one. Besides, what you are trying to do is to terminate a life you didn’t create. This innocent child didn’t make the decision for you to have unprotected sex; you did so why end a life that is yet to begin all because you got careless?
When we get to a diffuclt Y-junction in life, God remains our best bet. He can forgive your first mistake, but not that of terminating this pregnancy. And since you have been warned by doctors not to attempt it, just let it be.
Once you are able to get to the point of realising that no man can change what God has done, you will be better equipped emotionally and spiritually to handle this matter. If God had intended you and your boyfriend of five years to end up as an item, this wouldn’t have happened. And since He is the only one that has our master plan in His custody, we lack the right to question certain things in life. Your peace is accepting your situation. Nobody can appeal His decision.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I urgently need help in resolving the mess I have put myself in.
My birthday was in the first week of December. My friends organised a birthday party for me. It was fun and one thing led to another between one of my male guests and I. we ended up in bed that night. I didn’t plan it, it just happened.
For me, it was fun, one of those things one does. Unfortunately for me, it has resulted in a pregnancy I cannot terminate because of the delicate nature of my womb.
My boyfriend, who has been away for three months just got back into town after the national strike, so cannot pass off the pregnancy as his.
Three things bother me about this pregnancy: I don’t know where the father of my unborn child lives. My friend who organised the party doesn’t even know whom he came with. I can’t even make out his face. I went to the extent I did with him on that day, because I was both lonely and in need of male company. To me, it was meant to be a one night of pure passion with a stranger.
The second issue is how to tell my boyfriend of five years. We have tentatively fixed our wedding day for the second weekend in April. How do I explain to him that I am with another man’s child?
The third problem has to do with my parents. My parents are both pastors and have high hopes for me. As a matter of fact my father still thinks I am a virgin at 25. He, particular, will be so disappointed and how do I explain the lack of father for this child? How do I explain to my parents and boyfriend that I slept with a man I was meeting for the first time?
I truly love and cherish my boyfriend. I honestly didn’t plan any of these to happen. I am so confused and don’t know what to do.
Is there anything I can drink to bring this baby down since all the efforts I have put into terminating it have failed?
There is no way I can keep this baby at all. Keeping it will mean losing my life, dreams and place in my father’s heart. Please tell me what to do since I don’t see myself keeping this pregnancy. If I don’t kill myself first, my father will certainly do it, because he is not only strict; so much so, he doesn’t wed pregnant women in his church. People will mock and laugh at my parents’ ministry and me.
It isn’t as if I cannot cope financially, I earn a good salary as a staffer of a telecommunication company, but the outrage that will follow from every quarter is what I fear the most.
Labake.
Dear Labake,
For all it is worth, this isn’t the end of the road for you. There is no use crying over spilt milk. The harm has been done; there is a baby on the way. These are facts you cannot change, no matter how hard you try. The wise thing to do at this difficult juncture of your life is to learn to accept it as the perfect will of God for you.
It may not be what you want, but it is what life is offering you at this point in time. There is no doubt, people will talk, but it is for only a while. Once the baby is born, they will forget and move on to other things and people, since there will always be issues happening to gossip about.
As for your parents’ ministry, if premised on the strenght and directions of God, it will survive. The ministry belongs to God and not them.
As for the reaction of your parents, especially your father, they will feel bad and disappointed naturally. But, there is nobody on earth that can question what God has permitted. The fact that this baby cannot be terminated underscores some inherent lessons for you, your parents, and young girls like you who take unnecessary risks with their bodies. Allowing a complete stranger get so close to you without any thought of precaution, prevention and consequences was thoughtless, but that is as far as you can go in the area of blame in this issue.
Granted, you have made a mistake, but if you calm down sufficiently to think, you will discover that there is no problem on earth that has no solution.
You are getting hysterical, because you are attempting to solve all the attendant issues at once. Take one at a time. The first person that deserves to be told about your condition is your boyfriend of several years. The earlier you told him the truth, the better for you.
He deserves to know the truth about what happened that day. Don’t leave anything out of your story. As it is, you have hurt him enough; don’t hurt him any further by lying to him about the incident that led to your being pregnant for another man.
In so doing, you have given him his freedom to make up his mind about you or the relationship.
The next thing is to inform your parents about it. At 25, you are no longer a baby, which means nobody is going to condemn you for your actions. It would have been another kettle of fish if you were still underaged. Under every known law, you are an adult – no longer under the control of your parents – so there is really no way they can be blamed for your actions.
Yes, your father will be disappointed because he expected more from you given the kind of training he gave you. But, that is all he can do – get angry. He cannot beat or harm you. The worst he can do at this point is to disown you for giving him a grandchild whose father you don’t know his whereabouts. It would have been a different matter if you cannot point to any man as being responsible. At least you know whom. Although a little consolation given your delicate situation, but God says we should be grateful in every situation we find ourselves.
After informing them, if you can, relocate. You can ask your office to transfer you out of Lagos, but if it is impossible, change your current accomodation before the pregnancy becomes obvious. Go to a place where no one knows you or your history to start all over again.
However, don’t give up on finding the young man you got pregnant for. Take time to go through the list of those your friend invited for the party. If you are thorough and not shy to ask questions, one or two persons must have observed your intimacy to the man that night. Such persons may have the information you need to locate him.
The essence of finding him is not to force him to take responsibility, but to be aware that he has a child somewhere.
There is no situation worth taking one’s life. Time has a way of healing our pains.
As for the unborn child, let it be. That child has a reason for coming. If you insist on terminating the pregnancy you may end up with a deformed child. To add a deformed child to the problems you have is to give yourself a burden you cannot shoulder. Therefore allow the child be. You have made one mistake; don’t make another one. Besides, what you are trying to do is to terminate a life you didn’t create. This innocent child didn’t make the decision for you to have unprotected sex; you did so why end a life that is yet to begin all because you got careless?
When we get to a diffuclt Y-junction in life, God remains our best bet. He can forgive your first mistake, but not that of terminating this pregnancy. And since you have been warned by doctors not to attempt it, just let it be.
Once you are able to get to the point of realising that no man can change what God has done, you will be better equipped emotionally and spiritually to handle this matter. If God had intended you and your boyfriend of five years to end up as an item, this wouldn’t have happened. And since He is the only one that has our master plan in His custody, we lack the right to question certain things in life. Your peace is accepting your situation. Nobody can appeal His decision.
Good luck.
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