Days to our wedding his family say I can’t be trusted

By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I just came across your e-mail and your blunt response to this guy that said he married for money. The article is very blunt.

I don’t know if you can help me. There is this old friend of mine in school, even though we are so much in love with each other, we cannot express it because we are in other relationships.

We again met last year after we lost contact for seven years. It was three months to my wedding day. Naturally, I was very happy to hear from him. Besides being an old friend, I still have some feelings for him.

One thing led to the other and he promised to marry me if I leave the man I was going to marry in three months time.

After much thoughts and knowing I love him more than the man I was going to marry, I gave in to him.

But I also decided to ask God for help through prayers. If the signs that followed my request were anything to go by, it would appear that God chose the first man. The second man started complaining about lack of money to continue with our wedding plans, which led to him saying he wanted the wedding ceremony postponed.

Gladly, I accepted since it was in response to my request. I also tried to keep up with the relationship but he wasn’t forthcoming with an alternative date for reasons best known to him. Well, his attitude gave me room to concentrate on my relationship with my old friend.

Things were really going on well between us until we had a disagreement. Being unable to resolve them on our own, I decided to involve his family in the matter. I honestly thought their involvement was for the better. Though they actually helped in resolving the first issue between us, it became another matter entirely when the second disagreement between my boyfriend and I came up.

Rather than resolve the issue at hand, they raked up an issue, which happened when we were in school eight years ago. It has to do with me dating a married man. I haven’t seen this man since I left school, but my boyfriend’s family is pegging their stance on that. They say we cannot get married because I dated a married man while in school.

In their opinion, any girl with such tendency is not only a flirt but cannot be trusted to be faithful in her own marriage.

To my pains, I later discovered that the information of my relationship with this married man came from my boyfriend and just two months to our wedding ceremony, the family has cancelled every plan.

Despite all this, I still love him, and I can bet my life he loves me and want me just like I want him, but he has kept saying that it would be suicidal for him to go against the wishes of his people since in his side of the country, marriage is not an individual thing but a communal arrangement.

His people very much in support of our relationship until the episode of me dating the married man came up. It is one month now since we have been having this problem.

We no longer talk like we used to. I get tempted to call him on a daily basis but I find myself holding back. The last time we talked he promised to be my backbone and my best friend. He said God knows everything and that He alone has the final say.

Agatha, the issue is, I cannot bring myself to forget him. He is constantly on my mind. I see him in everything I do and in my dreams. I feel him going through the same emotional turmoil I am going through. I truly love him.

I know only God sees the hearts of men but I want him in my life.

I have a feeling the mother is behind all our problems because he keeps saying unless he has his family’s support he cannot come back.

I pray day and night that God would show me signs and lead me on what to do. It is so hard for me. I know he truly loves me till this issue came up. We are both in our late 20s. I know if his mother tells him to come back he would because he loves me.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do. Do I keep waiting till he comes back or what? What should I do? I am so confused.

Confused Lady.





Dear Confused Lady,

What do you want from life? What do you understand by love? What values do you hold precious? What makes you think God would answer you this time when you didn’t listen to Him the first time?

Deep inside your mind, you have succeeded in misrepresenting the word love. Love isn’t selfish and painful like you to think. If this man really loves you as you have convinced yourself he does, why did he tell his family about a past he knows they would never approve of?

What were his intentions when he was telling them? To edify you or to destroy within his family circle? This is a question you should ask him. demand to know what he wanted to achieve by telling his family, especially his mother about a past he knows would count against you.

If he were truly in love with you as you seem to think, even if his family got to know about this from other sources, he would be the one denying on your behalf to protect you from ridicule and condemnation from his family members.

He knows his mother more than you and can tell what would upset her moral judgment. For him to have told her about your escapades as a young lady is to give him a perfect excuse to back out of the relationship without being obvious he is the one who cannot get over the type of life you lived as a young lady.

Also your willingness to jettison your boyfriend three months to your wedding ceremony with him for him when he came along could also be a reason for his apprehension. To be frank, what man would take a woman who had no qualms serious about abandoning a man she was altar bound to in three months for another man serious?

Your excitement at leaving your former boyfriend for him at short notice coupled with your past life are enough to him wonder at the type of woman he was getting married to and ponder on what moral values you really have.

Though he gladly puts the blame of his inability to keep up with your marriage plans on the laps of his mother, the truth is, deep down he doesn’t trust you to be a woman he can depend on.

He is afraid the same reasons you had for abandoning the other man for him may arise somewhere in your future and he would find himself gazing after your shadows because you didn’t stop to consider the feeling of others.

That woman you were dating her husband, how did you think she felt all those times her husband was with you, denying her and the children his time, resources and attention for you?

How did you think the man who was to marry you felt when he heard days after he started having problems, you were already in another relationship planning marriage?

You may think he knew nothing about what happened but there is nothing hidden under the sun. How did you think he felt when he complained about lack of money to continue with the wedding plans and instead of you to come up with alternative plans you left him alone to carry the burden. A wife material would do anything within her power to cover the shame of her man.

Love is about selflessness, it is about giving yourself and experiencing yourself in another human being. If you ever loved any of these men, you would put their interest before yours.

What is happening isn’t the making of this man’s mother. he is the unseen hands beating the drums. He doesn’t want you anymore having had second thoughts about your moral values.

You took a gamble and you have lost it. Forget both of them and move on. This time be honest with yourself by listening to what God tells you. Pray for forgiveness and allow His will prevail.

To completely free yourself of the burden of the past, go back to your other boyfriend and beg for forgiveness. You may have hurt him in more ways than you know. Leaving him three months to the wedding couldn’t have been easy on him, his family members and friends. From your own experiences with this other man, you now know much pains he endured when you left him.

Cleaning the slate of the past through apology to him would help the mercy and grace of God flow into your life.

There is no chance of him coming back to you. If he couldn’t convince his family not to cancel your wedding plans two months to the time, how can he now convince them to change their minds about you? He has told you he doesn’t have the will to go against the family’s decisions. What more evidence do you need to know this man’s feelings for you aren’t as strong as you think?

When next you get to speak to him, inform him about your decision to let him be.

To help yourself fair better in your next relationship, know what love entails as well as what type of man would give you the most happiness in life.

Good luck.

My family insists on court marriage

By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I have been in a relationship for five years and very much in love with the man in my life. We have a very good relationship. We are close and he is very supportive.

Because he had been married before and has children, it took a while for my family members to give their blessings to the union. His ex has since remarried and lives outside the country. We finally performed our introduction ceremony last year. My people want him to take me to Registry but he says it is not for my family to lord it on him and that the decision to marry is between the two of us.

He is only prepared to go through the native law and custom ceremony and after that go to church for blessing but my family members are scared of me doing native law and custom and then going to church later.

They are of the opinion that he won’t do the church wedding. I finally prevailed on my people to let sleeping dogs lie. But I do not understand what is going on anymore. I’ve told him to come and see my dad so we can fix a date and move on, but he seems to
be in no hurry again, he hardly visits nor has time for me. He sometimes does not call and yet claims there is no problem that I am the one wasting time. He says we should have been living together by now but allowed my family to ridicule him and his family members by giving them ultimatum to go to court within two weeks of our introduction. He is also very angry that none of my family members saw him and his family off when they were leaving our house.

He has changed; each day he says he is coming to see my daddy but won’t come. I am so confused and wondering where to start from at 40. I close late from work and hardly have the avenue to socialise, people at my place of work even think I am married.
What do I do now as he keeps saying as far as he is concerned we are married and there is no problem? Yet time is going and I am tired of being single. I truly have been so attached to him and I haven’t met another person that I like. Please help.

Confused Lady.



Dear Confused Lady,

At 40, you ought to know better than allow your family members too much interference in your affairs. You are no longer a child in need of protection neither are you too young not to know what you are going into.

You are already at the junction of reality and realistic choices. If you don’t know what you want by now when will you?

Your man is right; marriage is an agreement between two persons. You and your man should have agreed on a common ground before going to your family with your wedding plans. And if both of you had already agreed on it, it was wrong for your family to insist on something else. You should have been more firm and equivocal on what you want.

If his attitude has changed, it is because he is beginning to have second thoughts on the kind of influence your family has over you. The cold reception he was given by your family is enough to question the kind of support he would get from them when he marries you as well as your own ability to withstand their interest whenever it conflicts with his.

In his shoes, chances are you will also get scared if he is unable to stand up for you in the presence of his family members. Irrespective of what your family felt, you should have escorted him and his family when they were leaving. They may be strangers to other members of your family but by virtue of their intentions to marry you, they have become yours. A wise woman must learn from the very beginning of her relationship to play the politics of balance between her family and her in-laws.

Don’t lose sight of the fact that he has every reason to be wary of entering into another marriage that has the hues of problems. He has already gone through a terrible marriage enough for his ex to have re-married. It takes a lot for someone who has gone through a terrible experience to want to do it again. Like snail recoils at the sight of trouble, he is bound to be frightened by the seemingly hostility of your family. It couldn’t have been pleasant for him to have been so rejected by them all. His family members too are bound to ask him questions too, concerning the workability of such a union. It would be emotionally suicidal for him to go into another union with a woman he isn’t sure of.

Unlike a single man who hasn’t the kind of history he has, he must be careful not to give the world the impression that he is the one with the problem especially as his ex is already re-married.

Don’t also forget that he has the interest of his children too to factor into this marriage. If you are unable to make up your mind about the kind of wedding ceremonies you want, what assurances does he have your family won’t tell you how to treat his children?

If he is refusing to come to your father, it is because he isn’t too sure how he feels about the whole thing anymore. He may truly care about you, but isn’t too sure of what he is going into. He needs to rethink and ask himself some vital questions concerning the workability of marrying a woman who appears not to have a mind of her own.

Had you tried to find out from him what he went through in his first marriage, you would have known how to approach the matter.

Like he asked, what do you want? The issue here isn’t whether he marries you in the Registry or not, but simply that of trust. Do you trust him? Why is your family insisting on the Registry? Has it to do with the fact that if anything happens to him, you can claim his property? Has it to do with the fact that he has children from his previous marriage and marrying you at the Registry would give you power and say over his property? These are the questions that would naturally occur to him with the ultimatum being given to him by your family.

Frankly, if you want him, you have to do more than telling him your father wants to see him. He has to be given fresh reasons by you why he should go ahead with marriage plans. To do this right, you also have to ask yourself what you want from him and marriage. One thing is for someone to desire something another thing is for the person to know what to do with it. You may want to get married simply because others are doing it as well as the fact that age isn’t on your side but deep down is this what you really want? It may sound a very silly question but unless you want this marriage and this man very desperately, you won’t know how to fight for your freedom from your parents.

If at 40, you are still being treated like a young inexperienced girl by your family, then something is very wrong somewhere and until you are aware of its source you may never get out of it.

Everyday, you stay on the market shelf; your chances of getting the perfect man depletes so are the kind of choices you can insist on. While a younger girl in her 20s can afford to make all the demands you are now making, you don’t have that many choices.

Marriage is sacrifice. Any man or woman who isn’t ready to make sacrifices for his or her marriage isn’t ready for the journey.

And come to think of it, do you know what demands the next man would make of you?

Even if you have any reservations about his stance, it is always best to dialogue with your man instead of exposing him to your family or outsiders.

Marriage is premised on the feelings and interests of two persons, not the majority.

He needs you to assure him he isn’t about making another mistake before he can have the confidence to come to your family. I am sure once you go to him to talk and discuss his fears, things would change positively between the two of you.

Good luck

What can I do to stop feeling horny?

Dear Agatha,
I marvel at the level of intelligence you exhibit when handling even the most difficult and dicey situation. More grace to your elbow.
I am a 26 year old mother of one. My husband left for the United States a year after my son was born and since then hasn’t returned, not because he can’t come back but making frantic efforts for us to join him which I prefer though. It’s been two years since he left and I have not had sex because I am a good Christian and wouldn’t want to commit adultery which I know God detests. I also vowed not to cheat on my husband because he is the best man in the universe and he wouldn’t cheat on me either. But sometimes, I feel horny and at times so strong that I end up masturbating.
My question is, is it a sin to masturbate; even though I have not seen it mention in the Bible? If you say it’s a sin, what do you suggest I do when I feel horny or what can I do to stop feeling horny.
Worried Jane.

Dear Worried Jane,
If we are to go religious on this issue, we would be caught in a web of unnecessary controversies because there are those who think sex and the Bible, two strange fellows. And being a woman, you are not expected to feel any emotions without your husband. The thought of you masturbating in it self, calls to question your claims to be a true Christian.
Besides, anything that goes outside the norm of a man and woman sleeping together inside matrimony is considered a sin; so, we would not provoke needless debate by pegging your solutions solely on religion. For these reasons, l would prefer to address this issue from the view point of what is practicable as well as workable for you and your marriage.
Every marriage has a cross of its own. The amount of sacrifices as well as wisdom a couple puts into the solution of a particular kind of problem goes a long way in ensuring the success or otherwise of a marriage.
Realistically, there is no way you won’t feel horny. It is natural. Once the body is accustomed to having sex, it would always demand for it no matter how hard one tries to discipline it. Being young, there is little or nothing you can do about not having such feelings occasionally. It is your season and reason for being a woman. After all, you are married and is only being forced by circumstances to live as a spinster. Having been used to waking and sleeping with a man by your side, there is no way you won’t feel the loneliness of his absence or not remember those warm nights you spent in his arms. To try to deny that you miss him is like saying those moments never happened.
Since your husband isn’t around and you don’t want to betray your vows, your best option is to masturbate. It is healthier and medically safe because you risk no disease or unwanted pregnancies.
What you are doing is finding a natural way for your emotions to have an outlet. If you fail to provide your body with one, chances are you would fall into the uglier temptation of having sex with a man who isn’t your husband, thereby committing the unforgivable offence of adultery.
Sex is like a huge dam of water. Once it gets restless and full, it must be released to control the negative effect on the environment of it overflowing its banks. If you refuse to deal with your feelings, it would deal with you in such a way it would destroy your home and reputation.
Because masturbation is helping you to preserve the dignity of your home and person, don’t feel bad about yourself. It is a stop-gap between you and your husband. For now there is no harm as long as when you join your husband, it doesn’t take his place in your life or become your passion instead of him.
Your situation has made it inevitable for you to find succor in it for the general well being of your home. As long as it is done with decency, decorum and when necessary, don’t feel bad or allow anyone to make you feel you are dirty. This is absolutely important because yours is a child of necessity and not one you developed because you are looking for more excitement.
There comes a time in our lives when we are forced into making some choices we would ordinarily not consider. This is one of those times. It helps to be very honest when one gets to these junctions. What works for one person may not work for another. While one woman maybe strong emotionally to resist the temptation of not being with her husband for years, another woman simply cannot do without sex for more than a day. Another group can manage but occasionally want it desperately. Being honest with one’s capabilities helps to point one at a very clear solution to a particular problem.
Beyond this, there is the need for you and your husband to talk as sincerely as possible about your situation. Let him know how his absence is affecting you and how if nothing is done by him could expose your marriage to unnecessary danger. If he can cope, don’t pretend you can. He should understand how his absence is affecting you emotionally and how at 26, you are at your very high and sensitive. Make him understand there is a limit to the temptations you can be exposed to.
He appears to be taking his time because you are giving him the impression you can cope well with his absence. The moment he knows you are missing his intimacy, is aware of what you are doing to keep from betraying him, he would make haste.
A lot of times, we invite troubles in our homes and lives by our refusal to talk about our fears and difficulties. If both of you are not careful, it will come to a time when your bodies would demand more than masturbation; when it would demand for the whole thing. By then, it might be almost impossible to stop yourself from doing what you don’t want to do.
Two years is a long time in the life of any marriage. It has gotten to that crucial point when you and your husband have to define what is important to your marriage and to the two of you. Money is desirable but we need a family to make that money appreciable.
Unless you both put in the necessary efforts to make this marriage work, this distance may pull it down. Talk to your husband. It is important.
In addition, you need the strength of God to continue to resist the larger and more damaging temptation.
Good luck.

She doesn’t want me but I love her

Dear Agatha,
Thanks for the counsel you have been providing in helping others in their love lives. I must say you have directly and indirectly impacted great wisdom on those who find your advices important to their love lives.
I do appreciate the last article wherein you advice this man who is in love with this particular lady who unfortunately sees him as only a friend.
I have a case that is similar to this and find your advice very important and constructive. I once had a lady whom I approached for a relationship four years ago. She came up to me this year to say after several times of turning my request down that I did not really inform her officially about my interest in her. She insisted I was too close to her after I asked for her out hence saw me more as a big brother who never failed to give her whatever she asked for including well intentioned advices. From the time I approached her for a relationship to now, none of the boys she has dated has been able to make her happy. They have kept disappointing her.
Now she sees herself as a virus and as such is careful not to infest me with her not too good past but no matter what, I still love her. But of recent I went to see a pastor who told me to allow her be.
I think I still need your advice on how I should continue to relate with her as well as how frequent my visits to her should be. I don’t know if I should stop visiting her to enable me wean myself of this passion I feel for her.
Worried Reader.

Dear Worried Reader,
Pointless to continue in a game in which you are the sole player. It can’t be fun to be in love with a person who isn’t in love with you. She has told you, she sees you as a big brother. It isn’t everybody we are in love with that would reciprocate our feelings. Relationship is a gamble; sometimes we win and at other times we lose.
Your concern should be your own cure and well-being. There is no way you can be have the emotional equilibrium to be fall in love with another woman if you don’t do something about your current emotional web.
Accept your feelings for this woman as one of those things that isn’t meant to be. Move away from her for the time being to give yourself the strength to build up your resistance to her.
Good luck.

He keeps assassinating my character over unpaid loan

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626



Dear Agatha,

I am very devastated right now.

There is this guy, a colleague, in my former office who asked for help last year concerning his school fees.

I loaned him N50,000 with the understanding he would pay back at the end of that month, November last year.

After a while, he told me he would pay back in June this year but he hasn’t been able to. Now he has told me categorically he will not pay the money and started blackmailing me to anybody that cares to listen that I am demanding my money back because he has refused to go ahead with his earlier decision to marry me.

Agatha, I am not a bad person else I would have done a lot of things that will make him pay back either in cash or in kind.

Please I am so uncomfortable with this type of behaviour and turn of event.

I value my integrity, and people to the glory of God, respect me.

I want to hear from you what you think I can do to this guy.

Please help me.

Your Reader.



Dear Reader,

There are two categories of people on earth: the good and the bad. This guy obviously had no intentions of repaying you that money. He planned it.

I appreciate your sense of disappointment and pains at the way he is repaying a good deed. It is unfortunate but nevertheless, don’t allow him make you do something alien to your character. It isn’t worth it. If you have been able to live without the money for almost a year, it means God is blessing you in more ways than you know.

See the money as a form of sacrifice and hand the matter over to God who knows the way to get him to pay the money several times over on things or problems he isn’t prepared for. He has only told you the kind of person he is and what he doesn’t know is that the same situation that prompted him to beg you for money would certainly happen to him again and this time, he may never find anyone to help him.

If you take on the fight yourself, apart from being unable to deal with him as extensively as God would, you risk committing a crime that could put you on the wrong side of God. This is one instance, you have to allow God do His thing.

Just ignore him to prevent him from further scandalising your name.

It is well.

Good luck.

Despite my sincerity she still double dates…

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com,agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

you are indeed a rare gem in the tackling of relationship matters. My sincere prayer is that your hands would always be lifted up. I am 25 years old while my girlfriend is 21. She has secondary school leaving certificate. We are childhood friends and I love her so much to the extent I have promised to help preserve her virginity and personality forever.
But the problem is after all the promises we made to each other, when I went back to school she started having problem of poor communication as well as less concern for me.

When I enquired what the problem was, she said nothing was amiss but later sent me a text message complaining that she no longer understood me. Unknown to me, she was already having affairs with someone else.

I came back from school at the end of the semester to find out from her what the problem was with our relationship. She told me it was due to lack of money and assured that everything was okay.

After a week, I came back again because she was ill and was admitted in the hospital. I didn’t understand what the matter was. I had to stay behind until she was discharged. While in the hospital, I kept assuring her of my unconditional love.

Once she was okay, I stopped visiting to concentrate on my vacation job but I soon realised that she would be worried about my long absence especially since I didn’t call to ask after her health, so I went to see her again.

While in their house, I discovered she wasn’t exactly happy with me for not visiting her, knowing I was wrong, I apologised. I also saw some of her friends who rebuked me and told me not to hurt her because she truly loved me.

I later went back with a close friend of mine she knew so well to see her. This time she was very cheerful but as I made to take her phone, she quickly collected it from me.

Her action made me uneasy because I knew she was hiding something from me. I was very determined to get to the bottom of it so I tricked her into parting with her phone.

I read all the text messages she and the guy exchanged. Needless to say, I was disappointed and hurt because she happens to be the only girl in my life.

The worst part of it is that the affair is getting into its second month.

Agatha, I need your advice and help please. I don’t want to lose her.

Tochukwu



Dear Tochukwu,

Even though you were very wrong to go through her text messages, disappointment, heartaches and betrayal are concomitant part of life especially in relationships. To have a whole and human heart, we must at one time or the other experience all these emotions.

Only the tough survives such betrayals. But to satisfy your conscience, let her know you have found out about the other guy in her life. Spill everything you know about the affair and hear what she has to say about it.

Sometimes, these kinds of affairs come from being lonely especially as you are always away in school. Although not a good enough reason for her to betray your trust in her, hearing her reasons would help you come to a clear understanding of all the issues involved.

Not everybody is gifted with the strength and maturity to handle long distant relationship. It may not be for sex but decided to go into it for the sake of having the company of a man around her.

Although it may not always be possible to avoid staying away from one’s partner it is highly imperative for men to take time out to study the nature of their women. The fact that the society expects women to be faithful to their men at all times doesn’t mean all women have the capacity to be. While it is true that some women are out-rightly promiscuous and so cannot be bothered if their men are around them or not, yet there are some who are built to be useless without a man around them.

These women just cannot exist on their own: would always need the presence of a man to make them feel complete. If your woman happens to fall within this category of women, you will need to device a way of visiting her more frequently to kill the urge in her to seek the company of another man.

By listening to her reasons, you would know if she actually did it out of fun or for the reason I have already explained. It is also important you actually ask her at this juncture her reason for agreeing to a relationship with you. Being childhood friends, she just may have gotten used to having you around her; said yes to you out of habit and not from a real knowledge of what she truly feels for you. Fondness could be mistake for love between the two people who have been around each other for a long time.

It may also be out of fear that she may not be good enough for you considering where she has stopped educationally. It may just be a matter of assurances on your part that you won’t consider her inferior after you have finished your examinations.

Ask her to search her heart and tell you what she really feels for you. If the feeling isn’t real, no amount of love you shower on her that would be enough to stop her falling in love with another man. Your feelings for her may come from a true heart of love but the same thing may not be said for her.

If she has compromised her virginity with this man, then it is something deeper than imagined, a clear indication that she may think she has found her true soul mate. The best step would be for you to allow her be because nothing you say or do would ever stop the two of them from continuing until she decides otherwise on her own.

But if she is yet to sleep with him too, both of you can with maturity and proper focus of where your relationship is going to, talk this out with a view of working something positive out. You could start by encouraging her to go back to school even if it is on part-time basis.

Better education could give her the necessary confidence to believe more in herself and abilities. This would make her more settled in with you and the relationship.

Ultimately, God is the only one who has the final say in matters like this. Learn more to trust him because sometimes, He deliberately allows certain situations to stop us from making the wrong decision.

Good luck.

My husband lives abroad but has a secret child

Agatha Edo , Email:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am 29 years old and married for over four years with a child. I have a big problem; my husband resides overseas while I reside in Nigeria. I had my daughter in 2007 the same year we were married.

Recently, I heard my husband impregnated a lady who gave birth to a baby boy in 2009. He concealed this information from me but I got to hear about the child all the same. I was also told that he refused to accept the child but this doesn’t change the fact that he is the father of the child.

Now, he is in prison because of some personal issues. Because of this, I decided not to open up the wound till he comes out bearing in mind the pains of being in prison. In addition to encouraging him, I also established a little business for the upkeep of the family.

He has been in prison for one year plus but will be released in about two months when after serving his term. We are in constant touch with each other through letters but he keeps asking me for forgiveness without being specific on what he has done.

Last Christmas, we agreed that I should travel to the village but before the date, he called to cancel our initial decision when he found out that the stress of travelling with the baby will be too much.

Somehow things degenerated when I also tried to argue about his sudden change of mind. Issues became heated and he threatened to terminate the marriage and come for his baby. I really felt bad at the hurtful things he said as well as his attitude.

As a result of this, I was afraid of even continuing with the marriage but I also didn’t want a broken marriage at all. But it has brought to the fore that he might do worse things in future. I have been alone and faithful to him for three good years. Please advise me on what to do.

Onyii.


Dear Onyii,

There is no war patience cannot win. Just a little more of it, you would be the one having the last laugh.

There is no way he would have said all those hurtful things to you if you also didn’t complicate matters or try to argue with him on why you think you should go. u. Often times, we conveniently forget our contributions to an impasse and just focus on the reactions of the other person. In marriage, issues cannot be settled amicably if couples insist on apportioning blames for a situation they both contributed to.

If you take time out to look again at that incident objectively, you would agree with me that something you said instigated his response to you. Your disappointment at having all your plans for the trip cancelled by him is enough reason to make you say things you would ordinarily not say but because you were under the influence of anger, you didn’t bother to consider the implications of such utterances.

Since both of you were having this conversation and argument over the phone, a lot of things which personal contact would have cushioned came into the conversation unfiltered. His frustration over your refusal to understand and appreciate his concern for your safety as well as that of the baby made him flare up just as your anger at his seeming insensitivity at cancelling a trip you must have invested time and money on planning.

Again, at every opportunity you have to argue with your husband over an issue, think of the extra difficulties of managing successfully a long distance marriage. While women who live with their husbands can afford to make certain mistakes and get away with it, you cannot afford such luxury else you put your marriage at risk.

Whether you like it or not, the success or failure of your marriage rests with you. The reason is simple, being alone in a foreign land; he is exposed to all manner of temptations and women who want to take your place in his life. Being a man, he can easily fall into temptations. Like in the case of the birth of the baby boy. Unless you are not realistic enough, the society would eventually prevail on you to take him back and learn to accept the presence of his love child.

But nobody would be that lenient with you. Should you as a married woman get close to any man outside your husband, you will be instantly condemned and branded as having low moral values. Either way, it is the man that still wins this game so be very careful what you say or do to him in the present delicate stage of your relationship. For now, only your gentle words, understanding, obedience, appreciation, patience, friendship and prayers can put a check on him. He needs something absolutely good about you to remember and withhold him from falling into the temptations his status in that country offers him.

You are not there physically to act as a restriction for other women but well-worded expressions of trust, respect and encouragement would help him remain faithful to you. No man wants to hurt a woman who is his support base, who is respectful to him as well as shows appreciable understanding for him. Yes, men are built to stray but a lot of them know when to apply the brakes when it comes to that woman who has learnt to be very respectful to them.

A little bit of patience could have averted what obviously has become a sore point in your relationship. Frankly, if you want to manage this marriage, it isn’t too late to make amends especially now that he is in prison and having all the time in the world to reflect on some of his decisions. Let him know that he remains the most important person in your life and that if you have said or done anything in the past to provoke his anger, you are also sorry. There is a limit to the quantity of garbage a marriage can carry. If not off-loaded daily, you risk covering the reason, essence and beauty of the union under the filthiness of the dirt. Your marriage needs a new lease of life everyday to blossom to its full potentials.

Marriages are constantly in need of second chances to write every wrong done the previous day.

As for that baby, I am glad that you are matured enough to know that irrespective of what he says now, he remains the biological father of the child.

No matter the personal pains, don’t fight him or encourage him to abandon the baby. Like every betrayed wife, you have the right to be angry and express your hurt to the man you trusted enough to give up your freedom for but be careful you don’t overdo it for the sake of the innocent life involved.

Ask him what he intends to do about the baby. Don’t involve yourself too much beyond encouraging him to do the right thing for the child. Once he knows he has your support, he would do what is right.

What is happening to him and your marriage is an indication it has gotten to that important stage in your marriage when both of you have to consider living together as a couple. The idea of this transcontinental marriage may have lost its appeal in your marriage.

When he gets out of prison, encourage him to come down for a heart to heart discussion. When a couple stays apart for too long, a lot of things can go wrong not just with the relationship but with their psychology.

This is the time he needs you in that personal way a man needs a woman in his life. Going and coming out of prison will definitely have affected him in more ways than you can imagine. You both need to bond again as man and woman to make your marriage work.

More than ever before, turn full-scale to God because this is the time your marriage and person need Him the most.

Good luck.

He plans to marry me, but flirts around any skirt

With Agatha Edo; email:gataedo@yahoo.com: agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

You have been touching my life with your answers to other people’s problems. God bless you.
I have a problem with my fiancé who has been agitating for us to settle down as a couple. He keeps saying he is counting on me and that he loves me so much.

I told him I wanted him to be a real born again, before I will accept to spend the rest of my life with him and that we are not going sleep with each other until our wedding day, which he agreed to.

But to my surprise this guy has been going out with other girls and when I discovered and called him for explanations, he told me that the girls are the ones that like him and that he isn’t going to marry them. He assured me that once we are married, he would keep his distance from these women but I sincerely doubt if he will.
Can he change? Really, I am confused, tired of complaining and even loving him again.
Anne.



Dear Anne,

The secret of a peaceful union is learning to accept things you cannot change about one’s partner. The period of a relationship is to help couples know what to expect later in life if they decide to spend the rest of their lives together.

Unfortunately, many people think otherwise; see it more as a time for them to hook at all cost their life partners not minding if the man or woman is right for them.

Forget whatever promises he is making to you now. Learn to base your judgement on the facts before you because these are the things you will live with in the years ahead if you marry him. If he is unable to disguise this side of him during the time when he should put his best foot forward, there are no guarantees that he would ever change as year roles by.

In life, there are certain habits that never change, no matter how hard we try to disguise them. If he lacks respect for your feelings now, isn’t careful that you don’t get hurt by him, you should really not pretend that he would change overnight. There is a limit to what love can tolerate. A love that is constantly subjected to pains, humiliation and embarrassment will one day get tired and give up on whatever it is that is holding it down.

This is where most ladies get it all wrong. Rather than face reality about the defects in the lives of the men they are dating, they allow themselves to be deceived into thinking that they can actually change the man to their way of thinking.

Just as it would be difficult for any man to change certain things about you, you cannot change him overnight. A lot of time, changes come when we get burnt by the desires we cherish most and not because someone wants us to do away with it. Until your boyfriend is confronted by an experience that really touches his soul and person, he may not see any reason to stop swimming in between these women.

Frankly at this juncture, the choice is yours to make. This is the time for you to take stock and come up with a decision you know won’t cause you to cry all the days of your life. Marriage isn’t just about falling in love; it is about staying in peace and harmony with the choice you have made several years down the road.

You must know why you are making certain sacrifices and for what. Unless you have the stamina to cope with his kind of person, you may have to reconsider this relationship especially if you value happiness.

But beyond all that you have said, I think you should really be happy than confused because if nothing else, you have been given the rare opportunity of knowing the nature of the kind of person you are contemplating marrying.

What would you have done if you had found out this aspect of him after marrying him? A lot of the time, things we think are good for us turn out not to be so good. Can you imagine all the pains and disappointments you would have been feeling after giving in to him, marrying him and finding out that he needs more than a woman in his life to be fulfilled?

The lack of enthusiasm to give in to pressures on your part should have warned you of outstanding matters deep down inside you.

This is the point you tell yourself basic truths about what you want from life. To do otherwise is to mortgage your happiness on the altar of sentiments.

Good luck.

Tenets to make distant relationship work please

With Agatha Edo, email:gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your urgent advice on my relationship. I had a friend in school then, casual friend who graduated before me and currently studying abroad. He is from a different tribe. Last year we were chatting and he asked me out and I agreed. We have been talking on phone and through the Internet without seen each other.

However he lost a very close member of his family this year and travelled home. He did not inform me but I got to know because his international number wasn’t going through and I tried his Nigerian number, which went through. He claimed he sent me a message informing me of his arrival but I did not get the message. I got angry and did not visit him throughout his stay and he also did not visit me. He has gone back and claims I was not there when he needed me. He claims his refusal to tell me he was coming was not deliberate but because he was not in a right frame of mind. My mother is of the opinion that I shouldn’t have been that harsh on him because he was in deep grief. Was I too hard on him? Also I do not believe in pre-marital sex and I informed him, he agreed but said he wants petting and physical contact. I do not feel comfortable with the idea and I expressed it to him, he claims it is his weakness and he has to kiss and smooch his girl friend. Can I take him serious? How do I know if a man really loves me or is after my body? What should I do? How can one be sure of a long distance relationship?

Young Lady.

Dear Young Lady,

I agree with your mother. You should have been more accommodating and understanding of the circumstances of his visit to the country. The person who died must have been very close to him to make him travel all the way for the burial.

Under such a situation, he could really have forgotten to tell you he is coming. This is because we all react to grief in different ways. While some have the ability to function normally while in grief, others break down completely becoming such hopeless cases themselves. The fact that he answered your call was enough reason for you to go to him irrespective of whether you were happy with him or not. If nothing else, you would have achieved the opportunity of discussing the issue with him. Besides, your natural curiosity should have overshadowed any anger you felt at his handling of the trip home.

There couldn’t have been a better opportunity for you to get to meet the man you have dated on the phone since last year. The fact that you were not sufficiently motivated by your inquisitiveness to meet him underscores something deeper, which you are either yet to confront or simply refusing to admit to yourself all together.

In addition, it would also have afforded you the chance of getting to know him as well as his family members who would have all been present at the funeral of his relations. There is no way one or two of them wouldn’t have asked him about you. He would naturally have been forced to explain your relationship with him, which would have helped both of you put your relationship in better perspective.

Being the one at home, it would have been easy for you to take proper charge because there are things, places he may not be familiar with again which you know.

Allowing him to go without meeting and seeing you has given him reasons to reconsider so many things about this relationship. For you to abandon him at the point he needed you the most must have created some doubts in him about your suitability as a dependable woman.

Most men want what he wants from you but the onus is on you as the woman to take a stand. Taking a stand for what you believe in isn’t the same thing as avoiding him. You could still have gone and insist that you aren’t ready for what he wants from you instead of staying away. Sincerely your reasons and excuses aren’t tenable at all. It is a very cowardly thing to do because for a man and woman to have a successful relationship, they must meet, be in constant touch with each other to make it work. Relationship and marriage don’t exist in isolation. The difference is between a man lusting after your body and the one loving your person is in the palms of the woman. If you let him know this is what you want and stand by it, he would have no choice but to abide by it if truly interested in you or leave you for a woman who has less principle.

Long distant relationship requires honesty, dedication and sacrifices to work. Call this man if convinced you and he have what it takes to make things work together and apologise for not being there for him. Ask him to give you another chance. Sincerely had you gone to him, he would have been the one apologising to you for coming without telling you but as things are now, you really do need to apologise to him.

Good luck.

Left my fiancé for him, yet he offers nothing beyond sex

With Auntie Agatha,:email:gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I have been going out with a guy for about four years now and I love him. August last year he finally decided to take a step forward in our relationship by formally giving me an engagement ring. He took this step after I walked away from the relationship and he took poison that almost killed him.

Because of that, I decided to return to him since it was obvious from his actions that he truly loves me. But a month after our engagement, I met this other guy whom against my better judgement I fell deeply in love with. Before we started out, I told him about my fiancé and he also told me about his girlfriend who lives in another city. Months into the relationship, I found him to be a better lover than my fiancé and more in love with him than the man I want to marry.

Recently, I had to tell him that my fiancé and I were no longer together. Beyond feeling a little bit bad for me, he didn’t say anything. Agatha, I am worried he has not introduced me to any person in his family or friends for that matter. He only calls me when we want to see and make love, doesn’t send me text message or has be bothered to know where I stay.

Despite his attitude, I can’t bring myself to say no to him whenever he wants to make love to me. The painful aspect is that we work in the same company and I don’t know if he loves me or not. Please I need your candid advice.

Worried Lady.



Dear Worried Lady,

What do you think? That he has feelings for you beyond the pleasure he gets from being in bed with you? A man only introduces the woman he wants to marry to his family and friends, not the one he eases his tension with. From his attitude, you are not the kind of woman he wants to bring home to his family or introduce to his friends.

His attitude communicates that you are only good in one place, his bed, not in his heart. He may also find you very interesting in bed but that is as far as he goes with you in his agenda.

The fact that he calls only when he wants to have sex with you should have warned you about his true feelings for you. With his woman away, you are his toy thing, someone he can always call to make him warm when he feels like it. Beyond this, he has no feelings at all for you. If you had said no, another woman would have filled the void in his bed and not his heart. He settled for you because he considered you save and available especially as you told him of your fiancé. He didn’t go for single girls because he didn’t want any complications whatsoever. This is why he doesn’t want anybody knowing anything about what is happening between the two of you. He doesn’t send text messages because he doesn’t want any record of this thing going on between the two of you to exist in anyway.

When he is ready, he would simply walk away the same way he came into your life. It sounds cold blooded, but it is the truth.

It is unfortunate that you allowed the pleasures of the body with a man who obviously has no respect or feelings for you destroy a viable relationship. Good sex can be gotten anywhere but the love of a man who truly cares.

Besides, there is more to a relationship than sex; just as there is a huge difference between sex and love. What you and this man are having is sex, pure animalistic urge – nothing more, nothing less.

Honestly, if you have any self-respect for yourself, pull out of this relationship before it destroys you completely. In fairness to him, he isn’t to be blamed because he didn’t make any promises to you. He didn’t say he wanted a relationship with you beyond two consenting adults have an affair. Whatever emotional agony you are suffering from now, you caused it – gave up certainty for uncertainty over simple lust.

Even if you cannot bring yourself to make amends with your fiancé, for the sake of your self-esteem, resist this man. He is bad news for you. He may be the most fantastic lover in the world but he isn’t the right man for you. He doesn’t love you, belongs to another woman and has made it clear that you are just another woman in his list of conquests.

If you cannot change jobs, you can at least fight your emotions. If your man’s quality of lovemaking is the issue, you can teach him how you want to be made love to. Expertise comes from a heart that is willing to learn and receive.

This man you are willing to die for didn’t become an expert overnight. He also acquired the skills through the combined efforts of all the women he has been with. Sex is too cheap to mortgage your life for. The truth is, when this man is tired of you or his woman comes back to town fully, you will become stale news in his notebook.

For this reason, you must fight whatever it is that you feel. You could go on leave to put a distance between the two of you before you get hurt more than you already are.

It is also imperative that you get your priorities right the next time you go into a relationship. The essence of having a relationship is for a couple to fine tune areas of strength and weakness. If you think your man wasn’t measuring up to expectations, rather than give in so cheaply to another man, you should have sat him down to discuss it. Yes, he may not like it at first, but overtime he would come to appreciate the value of your contribution to the growth of the relationship.

No viable relationship comes without a couple putting in the necessary efforts to make it work. Ask yourself this question, how would you feel if you were the one at the receiving end? The only people who don’t improve in life are those unwilling to learn.

Good luck.

She frowns at my tiny penis

With Auntie Agatha,:email:gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626
Dear Agatha,

I enjoy your articles a lot. My problem has to do with the size of my manhood. It is so tiny that most times when I am making love to my girlfriend, she knits her brow. I don’t need anyone to tell me why she is wearing such a face. Although she pretends there is no problem, I am scared of losing her. What should I do about it?

Mic.



Dear Mic,

What you should do is open your mind to new and innovative ways of making love irrespective of the size of your manhood. Most times, satisfaction doesn’t come from the size but the sense of adventure a couple applies to the act of lovemaking.

A man can be small-sized but achieve premium performance if he knows what to do with his woman’s body as well as his willingness to accept help from the woman. All it takes to make the difference is a keen sense of imagination.

If you want to be happy as a man, learn to accept the way you are. Refuse to be dwarfed by the size of your organ. We all come with one limitations or the other. Don’t offer apology to anyone for something you didn’t help create or input in its creations. Once you are able to conquer that, you open your mind better to learning.

Follow this by living your fantasies. More often than not, fantasies make a lot of differences in the bedroom. By giving free rein to all your secret dreams, the ones you had as a child and young man growing up, there is no height in the world of satisfaction you cannot take your woman to.

For your woman to get the best of you and remove that look from her face, use your fingers and tongue liberally to get her very close to peak. Work thoroughly on her body, senses with your fingers and tongue. Only go into her when she is almost there, she won’t even notice your size because by the time all she wants is a release from the emotional turmoil your kind of lovemaking has put her.

Even if a man is generously endowed and lacks what it takes to bring out the woman in his partner, the result won’t be any difference from what you have achieved so far.

Also, it is important to give your woman the freedom to also do whatever she likes with your body. She may have one or two ideas on how things can be better between the two of you but is afraid of what you would think of her.

This is where the power of communication comes to play. Enlist the support of your woman by first listening to her views concerning your size. Allow her to bare her mind; don’t feel offended because you are both in it together. Don’t see her views as criticising you or indications that you are not good enough for her. That she is still allowing you to make love to her means, she is committed to you and would only be too willing to help if asked.

This is important if really you want to help yourself get over whatever you think is the problem. More often than not, it isn’t the size of a man’s organ that puts a woman off but the attitude of the man. If you adopt a broadminded approach to the issue, you will discover that what you think is a burden isn’t after all. Good sex isn’t about the size but the understanding, maturity and friendship put into it.

Good luck.

My hubby is unwilling to work, collects my salary

With Auntie Agatha, email:gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com:Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I have this problem and I need your advice. I’ve been married for more than ten years with children. My husband is nice and assists with household chores. I have a good job while he’s a businessman. The problem is, he finds it difficult to attend to his business. While I’ll be busy at work, he’s most times at home sleeping or hanging out with friends. I’ve invested so much in the business trying to make it work but end up with loses due to his absence and the sales boys messing up things. In addition, I’ve been carrying the family responsibilities including that of both our families for almost the whole period we have been married. He knows my salary and would want to decide how it is spent; he usually gets angry even when I buy basic things for myself and the children. He prefers I give him the whole money and then he decides what to buy for us and how the money is spent.

He handled most of our investment decisions and we have lost almost all, I almost do not have any tangible thing to show for years of working. Worst still, he does not appreciate my efforts. This has led to several quarrels and beatings; I’m getting fed up, please advice.

Chika.



Dear Chika,

Marriage is a little bit of everything from the good, the bad and the ugly. It is a mixture of all that life itself has to offer. For anybody to get the good part, that person must be willing to take the bad part of it too.

Also, there is this fact about life that it doesn’t give fairly to everybody. To some people, life is generous and to others a little bit unfair but we must live because it is the essence of life itself.

A lot of times, the tiny things we ignore, the early decisions we fail to take, as well as our inordinate desire to get married at all costs, especially as women, become our doom as the years roll by. Every action in life must first be properly thought out before it is embarked upon.

You started the process of spoon feeding him, including handing him your pay packet; it would take crafty wisdom and prayer to discontinue.

There is no way you can claim ignorance of this trait in your husband from the early days of your dating. You elected to ignore these signals because you thought you could cope and perhaps change him later in life. Unfortunately, your mathematics is turning out to be the reason for your current state of unhappiness.

There is nothing as frustrating as living with a man who isn’t ready to work. But having found yourself in this particular web, arguing or nagging won’t change him or the situation overnight. Neither would your indulging him because the future of your children is interwoven into all that you are investing in that business today. Therefore you have to find a way of either getting him to be responsible or how to redirect your investment for the sake of those children.

But ensure you don’t disrespect him in anyway because he remains your husband despite his shortcomings. Also it is important you don’t unnecessarily provoke him to guard against violence in your home. Once a marriage enters the gear of violence, it is definitely on the path of self destruction.

What you should do immediately is to stop allowing yourself to be frustrated by his attitude. This way you won’t get angry and that would ultimately stop you from nagging. Once you are able to master your anger, he won’t have any reason to dehumanise you at all.

The next step would be for you to think of a new business you can begin on your own, since it is obvious both of you cannot partner businesswise. This would protect your marriage from the attendant anger that comes from what you view as his inability to manage successfully all that you are putting into building the family business. In addition it would help provide you with something for the raining day, especially when you can no longer work as hard as you are doing now.

On the issue of you handing him your monthly pay pocket, it is going to be very difficult because he is used to it. I don’t know whatever agreement you entered into with him or why you decided to be handing him your pay packet; there is the need to face this ghost and deal with it once and for all. Let him know that you are no longer comfortable with the arrangement and give him reasons to back it up. The fact that he is unable to manage the family investment is enough grounds for you to insist on keeping your salary. Because it is a habit you have encouraged for a decade, you may not be able to stop it on your own. You may have to involve one or two family members on his side of the family he respects. The reason is not to ridicule him but for these persons to appreciate your predicament as well as the challenges you are facing in your marriage and with their brother. It is also to eradicate the impression they may already or later have that you are neglecting their brother because you have more money than he does. Make him and the people you would involve in this issue see that it is the only way he can continue to get the best out of you as a woman and wife.

This is the only way you can reduce all the pressures you have taken on in the process of keeping your marriage. You need a chance to breathe and feel like a woman to be able to give your best to your husband, children and marriage. If you don’t immediately drop some of the responsibilities you have taken on, there maybe no marriage to save at the end of the day because you have too much anger piled up inside of you as well as bitterness against anything your husband represents.

This anger and sense of being cheated of your efforts, gains of your labour is blinding you to the good side of this marriage. Even if your husband is actually doing something positive, managing the business to the best of his ability, you will never be able to see it.

Time has therefore come in your marriage for you to go back to the basis - back to that time you agreed to marry him. Something in him must have communicated itself to you to make you agree to spend the rest of your life with him. No matter how bitter or disappointed we get, that reason never goes away, just get buried underneath all our various disappointments. Doubtless, you are very bitter and angry with this man but for you to have stayed with him for a decade means you have what it takes to make it work. Only a trip down memory lane would help you put things in their right perspective. It would help you look at other angles in your marriage, see your own faults too and teach you how to help make your home more manageable.

Your husband alone can’t be responsible for the disappointments in your marriage. You also have your share too. It is only fair you own up to your faults. Over indulgence too is a fault so you cannot escape blame in all these. The fact that you are the one bringing in the money may have made you forget to show appreciation, respect and humility. Check for any red marks in these areas. It would help you a great deal in your battle for happiness in your marriage.

If it is any assurance, you don’t have the patent for this problem in your marriage. What you are going through mirrors what a lot of women are going through in their marriages. There is no marriage without complications or challenges.

Your burden is what you are battling with now. In addition to setting up your own business, devote more time to this business on weekends. Once the boys he put in charge know that you can come in anytime to check the books and sack them if found wanting, they would sit up. It is just a matter of you making more sacrifices for the sake of those children.

I am a firm believer that the best results are through prayers. On your knees, change your husband. God answers and can do all things. Without the help of God, nagging would not change him; it would only make things worse, so why expend your energy and time to something that would not improve the condition of things in your home and marriage?

A little bit of patience, sacrifice as well as Godly wisdom would help you manage this man better.

Good luck.



Re: My husband is using my children for money rituals

Dear Agatha

I am also a passionate reader of your column and I do appreciate your advice to this woman.
I think this confused woman might be having a mental problem. I am a 40-year-old man with full custody of two of my three children after divorce from my ex wife, living in Germany.
With full experience about children, I wonder how a woman believes that her daughter she caught having sex with her own driver was corrupted by her husband. I think this woman needs psychiatric help. She is weak to confront her husband as well as lacks the knowledge to teach her daughter about sex education.

Sending her daughter abroad isn’t the solution. She should learn to teach her 15-year-old daughter about her body. Since she appears weak, she should meet a pastor who can help her put more fire to this burning issue immediately.

How can somebody believe that somebody makes money when a kid is sick and that the locked door is full of juju that brings money? Believing on things like this is a sign of her mental instability which is surely dangerous to the family.


Concerned Reader.

He doesn’t trust me yet he wants marriage

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,



I have read your column a couple of times and I am really impressed by the way you treat issues. I have an issue that is disturbing me seriously.

I have been dating this guy for about 10 months and have met some of his family members. He is nice and caring and has this rule of privacy.

I cannot pick his calls nor he mine. He has mentioned marriage a couple of times but has not met my family members apart from my younger sister. I have male friends he is aware of, but something happened when I went to see one of my male friends and the unthinkable happened. He, unknown to me, took my international passport from my bag. I only got to know when I left his house.

He denied seeing it when I called to ask if he had seen my passport. He only admitted to seeing and taking it when I decided to lodge a report with the Police. He said the cleaners found my passport and that I should come and collect it.

I went and he forcefully had his way with me. It was a very shameful thing for me. My boyfriend suspected something was wrong with me. I eventually had to tell him that I went to the other guy to collect my passport as well as what happened. I apologised for not telling him before going to the other guy’s place or that he called to inform me that he had seen my passport.

He didn’t react. I felt very bad and was moody throughout. He called me during that period but I noticed I was not excited to pick his calls any longer. He says he does not trust me again and yet he says he still wants to marry me.

This is my major problem. What kind of marriage would it be? I am afraid what happened will always be a reference point in our marriage. He might even use it to punish me, and I am not sure I am ready to continue the relationship. I am not sure of what I feel for him again. I have taken full responsibility for what happened. Please I would like to know your take on this issue.

Confused Lady.



Dear Confused Lady,

Precisely what is the reason for your anger against your boyfriend: the fact that he didn’t say anything or go to challenge the other man for raping you?

Sincerely, he is handling the whole thing well. A lot of men would not be so matured about this incident. They would naturally query your motive for going to the man’s house without informing him. Besides what kind of relationship exists between you and this man to give him access to your handbag? He should be the only drawing back, not you.

There is no way the other man would have forced you into such a compromising situation if you hadn’t gone to his place. You should have been alerted to the kind of person he is when he denied not seeing a passport you didn’t take away from your bag, called several weeks after to inform you that the cleaner saw it and that you should come and collect it when he could easily drop it for you. In addition, how many weeks does it take a cleaner to tidy a room? His conduct should have alerted you to the fact that something wasn’t right about him.

If you are bothered about trust, you haven’t actually left your boyfriend with too much room to trust you in the first place. If you are in a serious relationship with a man who is hinting on marriage and has taken the vital step of introducing you to some members of his family, why do you think you should still have other male friends, ones you actually take time out to visit in their homes? How do you begin to build trust in that kind of relationship? The onus is always on the woman to prove her morality.

Yes, he is aware you have male friends, but it isn’t the same thing as you paying them visit in their homes. None of these would have happened in the first place if you hadn’t gone visiting this guy in his home. When a woman or man has an existing relationship, the other person’s feelings should always be taken into consideration at all times. No matter how permissive the world has become, there are certain codes of conduct that go with conducting a transparent relationship.

Trust begins with the extra mile one goes in ensuring the other person’s feeling is put into consideration. For instance, how would you feel if a lady friend of his comes to visit him or he takes it upon himself to visit such a friend in her house? How would you react if he comes to tell you that a lady friend he visited took away his passport from his folder and later comes back to you weeks after to say the lady who initially denied having the passport now compromised him when he went to collect the passport she had persistently denied having?

While you have every reason to be angry at being raped by a man you trusted, it is unfair to put any blame on your boyfriend who is fighting a battle between his love for you and sense of betrayal as a man. For goodness sake you are his girlfriend, the one he is obviously considering marrying. It can’t be tea party for him knowing that another man took advantage of you in a situation that could have been avoided. What we are talking about here is his ego, his pride as a man. A lot of thoughts would naturally be going on in his mind. One of them is the natural question of: are you telling the truth concerning the nature of relationship between you and this man?

Another concern is his seeming helplessness in protecting you from what happened. The fact that he is still calling you shows that his feelings for you are very deep.

Something tells me there is more to this issue than you are saying. If there is anytime for you to be honest with your feelings for this man, it is now. You also have to be truthful about what you really feel for this other man. One thing is to take responsibility for what happened another thing is for you to be very truthful with yourself. If you have feelings for this other man, be nice to yourself and admit it irrespective of what he did to you because your anger against your boyfriend is misplaced. He wasn’t the one that asked the other man to rape you, so why are you very bitter against him? Unless you sincerely answer this question, you will not get the answer you seek.

Love is a funny feeling. Sometimes it happens in the most unexpected places and with someone we hate to love. Granted you may have been abused by him, but if within those minutes he touched a place in your being which no man has ever touched, stop getting angry with yourself and your current boyfriend, and sort things out immediately within yourself. A woman can only feel this bad about her man only if another man has touched her in that special place.

You won’t know precisely what is eating at you unless you take time out to be by yourself to think of your current relationship, what is missing and what you really want.

If at the end of the day, you really feel there is nothing for you in this relationship, move on because you have come to the realisation that there can never be anything meaningful and not because you are finding a reason to dump him. What you are doing now is finding a reason by trying to read his mind. And unless you say what is really on your mind no one can help you.

Honesty remains your only way out of this situation.

Good luck.

My black American lover is a sex freak

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am an avid follower of your column because of the practical and truthful way you answer questions from your followers. I am a 32-year-old Nigerian residing in the United States of America and the only son of my parents.

The issue at hand is my relationship with a 29-year-old black American girl. Despite the persuasion by friends that black Americans are different from us and not always the best people to fall in love with I’ve been with this lady for over four years. Like every other couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. However, I sometime reflect on how crazy they could be, a development, which makes me very scared and has influenced me to ask her to abort a pregnancy once.

Most of my friends who are married with children, keep frowning at my relationship with her. I am with her because she’s nice, sincere, loyal to me, always concerned about my future, and wanting to help me always. She’s the closest person to me.

But one thing keeps bothering me about the relationship. About two years ago, we had a major disagreement, which led to our decision to go our different ways but we made up about a week after. To my hurt and pains, she confessed sleeping with another man within the very short period the disagreement lasted.

I was disappointed but I took her back because I still had feelings for her. Recently we broke up again, because a pastor told me she wasn’t my wife and that if I went on with her, something disastrous would happen to us. Out of fear of the prophecy, I sat her down and told her what I was told. I decided I had to let her go. We both felt bad. Shortly after, I travelled to Nigeria and met some other ladies but no matter how much I tried, my mind was still on my American girlfriend. I went around praying to different spiritualists to seek directions: some said she was good, others said she wasn’t, and this made me more confused. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I sent her a text message telling her I still loved her, she said the same thing and we really had a good heart to heart conversation.

At that point I made up my mind to damn the consequences and go ahead to marry her. I spent only two weeks in Nigeria and when I came back, I got her gifts and was happy to be back with her. Then out of inner curiosity, I started to ask her questions if she had met anyone during my absence, she said no, but something kept insisting I intensify my questions. At last she said she had someone, her ex, and that she slept with him. I felt really disappointed because while in Nigeria, I went about praying just to be with her, even my parents are against my relationship with her but this is what I get for insisting on going on with her.

Although she apologised for what she had done and I have accepted the apology, I fear she would still have sex with another person even when we profess to be in love with each other. I know I had broken up with her before she did that, but what pained me most is that within two weeks she had hooked up with her ex.

I felt it was too soon for her to do that and it made me feel that she had her options already even though we’ve been together for over four years. Now I am confused and beginning to doubt marrying her.

I have tried looking for someone else but nothing is working because I am truly in love with her. She makes me happy, she’s nice, respectful. It is just that I can’t vouch for her sexually anymore. It bothers me. Please I need your advice.

Worried Man.



Dear Worried Man,

Outside these two instances you cited, did she ever sleep with another man while both of you weren’t having any misunderstanding or ending the relationship?

More than anything else this is what you should find out. One thing is for her to sleep with another man while under the impression that it is over between the two of you, but another thing if she is sleeping with her ex when there are no issues between the two of you.

Also, there is the need for you to find out if this ex is the same man she has slept with in these two instances. Her answers would help you determine if there is really a relationship between the two of you or not.

If the ex is the same man she slept with on the two occasions, it means there is more to their relationship than she is actually telling you. Whatever may have gone wrong with them hasn’t dulled the feelings between them. The implication would be that you are actually the third party in the relationship, a sure sign that you may have to force yourself to let go of her completely. The fact that the two of them can’t let go of each other means that even when you marry her, he still has that power to tempt her to come back to bed with him.

Honestly, it has nothing to do with love but the power of seduction. She may really be in love with you but still cannot resist something deep and reckless in the other man. The danger is actually in her inability to resist this thing she herself cannot explain. Until she develops the will to fight whatever it is, that makes want to keep going back to this man chances of her being faithful to you is very slim.

This is one angle you must examine thoroughly. She may be nice, honest, caring and loyal to you but once she is unable to fight that urge deep in her person to go back to her ex, there is little or nothing you can do about it.

In discussing the issue with her, you have to make her talk about that thing she finds absolutely irresistible about her ex that she keeps going back to anytime you have disagreement with her.

But if the men are different, it means she has a passion for sex and cannot stay away from it for too long. The challenge of you managing this kind of woman would be to take her along with you everywhere you go if you are staying more than two or three days. There are some women who cannot exist without having a man by their side for more than 48 hours. Again, you have to be realistic enough to ask yourself if you can cope with her.

It has nothing to do with where she is from but with her nature as a person. Having tasted the pleasure of sex, she may not have the emotional stamina to stay away from it.

Ensure you discuss this issue with her with dispassion. She has to see how much she is hurting you just as you have to understand her kind of person.

As for your desire to spend the rest of your life with her, be careful you don’t end up consulting the wrong kinds of person. You are the one who wants to spend your life with her, why not be definite about what you want and seek the face of God yourself? There is nothing God is going to tell the pastor which He isn’t telling you. The question is are you listening to His voice?

To ensure you are on the right path, time is now for you to go on your knees and talk to God directly because marriage isn’t a journey you on into based on your own strength and desires.

It is a complex and intricate journey, one that requires more than love to conquer. As a man, you would need integrity to be lord in your home. There is nothing that destroys a man like not having confidence in his wife. It is like that tiny hole that destroys the best of fabrics.

When a man thinks his wife cannot be trusted, the relationship becomes doomed even before it has a chance to crawl. Before you go into this, put sentiments aside and look at this issue objectively. The fact that you are an African man makes the issue more important. Being respectful is not the same as sexual fidelity, which is the pivot of a marriage and family building. Every man should without thinking be able to vouch for the paternity of his children. If you are constantly in doubt of her person, what guarantees do you have of loving her and the children, as you should?

Go into this marriage only when you are sure, you can trust her get the kind of peace that every marriage requires to be happy from it.

Hear her out, when you get back. Thereafter, be very honest with yourself because it is your life, your peace and sanity. If you make the wrong choice, bear in mind you will be the one to suffer just as you would be the one to reap tremendous happiness if you make the right choice.

You do need time away from her, your friends and family to get the right signals from God. Once you finish having the discussion with her, go away for a while before making the final decision.

Good luck.

Age, his ex-wife, two boys threaten my marriage to him

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I would be getting married very soon to a man who already has two children from a previous marriage. He is twice my age, and more experienced and rich.

I met him when my boss sent me on an errand. It was raining and he offered to give me a ride to where I was going.

He is well cultured and highly respectful. Although he is almost my mother’s age, yet he is very respectful of my family and very caring.

Since coming into my life, a lot of things have changed for me as well as my family. He not only got my mother some contracts, he also bought a land for my family, which he is also helping to develop.

He equally got me a car and a driver attached.

I admit my family didn’t and still doesn’t like the fact that he is a lot older than I am, at least their attitude towards him is better than it was.

But his children and the other members of his family think I am after his wealth. They think I am a gold digger that has come to reap where I have not sowed.

His two children, all boys are spoilt and very rude. The eldest of the two is like his mother who has repeatedly come to warn me against marrying her husband. She says she didn’t leave her home of her own accord that he drove her away and that she would not allow another woman to enjoy the fruits of her labour.

All attempts to get my husband to explain what went wrong between him and his ex-wife have always met with concrete wall. The last time I tried, he told me never to involve myself in things that don’t concern me that whatever happened between him and his ex-wife is his business and not mine.

For the first time, I experienced his temper and to be truthful, I didn’t like it at all.

I also noticed when he comes to his children; he is always blind to their faults. Nothing I say makes sense to him where his children are concerned.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do about all these.

For instance, he didn’t invite many of his family members to our wedding. He says he can do without them. Only few of his friends know about it. His children say they won’t attend.

Although he is very respectful of my family, he insists the wedding ceremonies would take place in his house.

My challenge now is how do I cope with his children, his ex-wife who still visits the house as well as his attitude?

I love him for the comfort he has brought into my family. What more, he is caring and respectful. Agatha, aren’t these enough reasons for marriage? Must all marriages involve love?

He only allowed me to invite two of my friends. Do you think beneath all these niceties, he has the ability to change? Most of my friends think I am making a huge mistake going into this marriage but coming from a very poor background makes this marriage inevitable for me.

Please teach me what to do. I am already expecting his child.

Timi.


Dear Timi,

With a child on the way and your mind made up that you want to be his wife, there is little anybody or persons can say to stop you getting married to him on the agreed date.

It is a choice you made willingly despite all the warning signs all around you as well as knowing about his not too tidy marital status. At this stage, it is no longer a case of you making a mistake but that of having the strength to stand by your decisions, no matter how ominous the clouds get.

No matter the reasons we go into marriage, what usually makes the difference is our acceptance of the fate that awaits us in the institution.

What you need in this type of marriage is courage. You must have plenty of it to be blind to all his efforts, endure the attitude of his children and ex-wife, to ignore his arrogance and to give him support as his wife.

You may not love him but since you are marrying him for comfort, you must kill your desires for love to any other man. If you don’t, you risk destroying your marriage and making nonsense of the reasons you are marrying him now.

The price that comes with this type of comfort is forfeiture of your happiness the way you know it. From now on your happiness is tied to his apron string. You have to completely learn from the kindergarten stage what happiness means to him with a view of keying into it. Frankly, it is the only way you can enjoy this type of marriage. Playing up what makes him happy and letting go completely of your own personality.

This is particularly necessary at this early stage to give your marriage and you time to fuse. One thing is to be in a marriage another thing is to feel married.

Many people are married without having the feel of it. What makes the difference in a marriage is usually not the reason it was conceived but how it is executed.

If respect, care, and comfort make him your number one choice, you must never expect anything more. Don’t after marriage begin to expect something different from him. To demand for his love midway into the journey is to cause problems for yourself and bring about a crack in the world you have created for yourself.

To make it work, ensure you stay within the context of your agreements.

A lot of problems arise when couples try to change their marriage contents forcefully. If you must change the contents, it is through wisdom and care.

There is no way you can get him to listen to you if you continue to be confrontational where his children are concerned. Don’t forget this salient fact, you may be his wife but those children are his heritage, his reason for being a man and the results of his pride as a man. To fight them is to fight him; to criticise them is to condemn his involvement in their lives.

Besides, these children have a history that predates yours with him, so also is his first wife. When their history is written you will be a stranger to the point you entered his life.

The sacrifice that comes with marrying a previously married man or one with children is to by all means learn to give unconditionally to the children. While it won’t be possible to get the children to love you as a mother, you can achieve friendship and trust if you know how.

It is obvious that nobody, not even the man you are getting married to, trust your motive for marrying him. At any rate, you also know money is a huge reason you are marrying a man twice your age. You must therefore not hold anything they say to you to heart if you plan this marriage to be everlasting.

The tactic is often to make a second wife uncomfortable. The children have their loyalty to their mother who is obviously still bitter and angry over the way things turnout out between her and her man.

Whether justified or not, these two once had a dream, one that produced two children as well as material wealth which you are also benefiting from today. At one time or the other, this pair was happy, drawing support from each other. Don’t make whatever went wrong your business like the man advised. Be neutral because it could also happen to you.

Don’t entertain stories about his ex or your husband. Ignore the past and allow yourself to focus on the present and future.

When next his ex-wife comes to insult you, politely tell her, you are not her problem and leave it at that. When the children calls you name, firmly but courteously remind them, they owe you a certain degree of respect by virtue of being their father’s wife. Explain to them that insulting you is akin to insulting their father because of the relationship that exists between the two of you.

You may not achieve much at the beginning but if you remain calm, supportive and friendly, overtime, they would drop their reservations against you. You have to strive to give them a different picture from what they have in mind.

In their world, stepmothers are monsters, out to poison their father against them. They need a different perspective to change their long held opinion.

As for his ex-wife, unless he has the will to stop her you must learn to cope with the situation.

Irrespective of whatever reasons you have for going into this marriage, you need the grace and presence of God to make it succeed. So always pray.

Good luck

My second child is not my biological daughter

Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I got married 17 years ago to a woman who has turned out to be my ruin. She is not only a compulsive nag, but I discovered she is also a liar and a very fetish person.

All these wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t stumbled on the fact that my second daughter isn’t mine. I discovered the truth when my first daughter came back from school with a letter written by the school authority that all new students of the school must as part of their admission letter to the university go for blood tests on HIV, blood group and genotype.

My wife was out of the country so I went with her to the laboratory. Since her younger sister too was also interested in going to that school after her SSC examinations next year, I decided to take her along with me too.

You can therefore imagine my surprise when the results came out. The two results were very dissimilar. Both her genotype and her blood group didn’t match her sister’s whose results bore semblance to mine.

I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife and I were both AA and O positive. She was AS and A. I took the result to our family doctor who knew all along that something was wrong with my second daughter’s medical history.

Being close to the family, he refused to be drawn into anything. He told me to wait for my wife to come back before jumping into the wrong reasons.

For the first time since marrying her, she didn’t say much when I confronted her with the results. The tears in her eyes as well as her attitude confirmed my suspicions; my second child isn’t my biological daughter.

According to her, she belonged to her former boss who raped her on an official assignment to Jos. She said she didn’t know how to tell me because I might not have believed her.

I recall the haste and anger with which she left the job at that time despite not having another job.

This girl happens to be my favourite, the real star of the family and despite knowing the details of her birth, I still love her with all my heart.

The truth is, in another circumstance, I would have forgiven my wife but given her attitude over the past years, I want to use this opportunity to drive her away from my home and life. I realise I made a terrible mistake marrying her but how do I drive away my wife without it affecting the children. My mother, who has been having a running battle with my wife wants her to go but insists the child is mine traditionally. Eight years ago she tried to poison my mother. It was this girl who saw her mother and raised an alarm against her. But for her boldness to challenge her mother, my own mother would be dead by now. For this, my mother loves her more than all her grandchildren put together.

My wife told me that she took the decision to end my mother’s life because she was told that my mother was the cause of her inability to conceive after her second child.

I am confused. Please help me. I don’t want that daughter to go but I don’t want her mother in my life again.

C.



Dear C,

I want you to appreciate that marriage is a bumpy journey of many ups and downs. It is a journey threaded in a web of conspiracy, intrigues, politics, friendship, secrets and all other emotions. At no point in it are the answers very clear. Only determination makes it possible for two people, from completely alien backgrounds, ideologies, temperaments and perspectives to life to continue to live together.

She nags because this is her person; it is part of the person you fell in love with; you have stayed with for 17 years.

If she were that bad, would you have still stayed with her for these numbers of years? Is her classification of being a bad wife a label to do away with her in the light of the secret she has kept all these years; to finally grant your mother’s long wish of getting rid of her enemy? Until now, why didn’t the issue of her trying to poison your mother elicit the concomitant reaction from you, insisting she leaves your house on the grounds of cruelty and criminal tendency? The crime of trying to kill your mother is serious if true. If you didn’t take very serious actions against her, it means somewhere in your maze of confusion, you still love her. You may not understand it for what it is - unconditional love - but it is only such kind of love that would make a man still keep the woman who tried to poison his mother under his roof without fear that she might be tempted to use the remaining substance on him.

To get past the immediacy of your current pains, look at the mystery of what has kept you together for these years? Precisely what has made you endure her shortcomings even when you are going through so much pain and disappointment with the choice you made to marry her?

This is the time for you to be truthful to yourself, to go beyond what you see to those things you don’t see but only get to know when you take the time to look deeper.

Beyond the pains of now and the changes we all go through during marriage, is a feeling we must learn to deal with.

This is your primus test, one that would either make or mar your marriage. What is this feeling saying? It is very important you deal with this feeling before moving on to other things because it holds the key between happiness and regrets.

If you are able to decipher this feeling correctly; forgiving her would be easy. It may not come suddenly but at least it would make conversation, reasoning and decisions on the way forward very easy.

The tragedy of being unable to have a matured discussion on this matter is the danger it presents to the family you have built over the years. From your own admission, the girl in question is your favorite as well as your mother’s. What would be your excuse for terminating her closeness to you; her love for you and yours for her? Is your love for her simply on the premise of her being your daughter only or the person that encases her body? Does your love have to do with the hopes she represents by her special gifts; her promises for the future and the dreams embedded in her own achievements as a person?

If your love for her is simply based on the fact that she is your daughter and nothing more; then it might be difficult for you to continue to endure her presence in your life in which case, it would be easy for you to transfer the affection to your real daughter. In this case you would not lose much by asking your wife to go with her daughter because at that point she ceases to be your daughter altogether and becomes the sole responsibility of the woman who gave birth to her.

But if the love is more profound, complex and a combination of all the other things, it would be impossible for you to let go. In your hurt and pains, you would always remember with clarity the first time she was placed into your arms; her first smile, word and steps. You would not fail to remember all those things that make her history and yours interwoven. It means over the years, she has touched you in no other way anybody has been able to do.

The implication of not having her in your life would be the death of a part of you.

For the sake of this girl you have come to love as yourself, whose presence gives you the fulfillment of a father, who has been able to bridge the gap between your mother and wife, forgive her.

I know it is hard to forgive a deceitful person who kept such earth shaking secret from you but it is too late in the day to punish her for it because the life of an innocent party would be affected if the wrong decision is taken.

If true she was raped by her boss, would you have believed her if she had told you? Would you have given her a chance to defend herself considering it happened in a hotel room during an official assignment? It would have been easy for you to take on the wrong end of the stick. While not trying to defend her decision to have kept the information away from you but we are all humans. Some situations leave us with no other choice but to keep quiet. At the point she did it, it wasn’t meant to hurt you or anybody but to secure her home and preserve the love and dignity of the man she married. How would you have felt knowing that another man defiled your wife? Would your ego have been able to take it back then?

Nothing happens without the knowledge of God. He may have planned the secret to be revealed at the point He knows you would be more matured to handle it.

You must also consider the fact that she too was a victim. The fact that she was raped, she got pregnant from the unpleasant experience and has had to endure the secrets with all the attendant fears and dread of being found out is more than enough punishment for her. It isn’t easy to keep such a secret and must have been relieved by all the development. At least now, she has the freedom in her heart to face life without fear.

Love is all about forgiveness and the best way is for us to look at our own inadequacies too as a person. In our own shortcomings, lie the strength of another and in their own failures, our strength.

Both of you should use this opportunity provided by this incident to fine-tune your marriage. It is an opportunity for you to allow all your suppressed anger to overflow without care. After the storm comes the calm.

Marriage endures through the process of forgiveness and endurances. Once you make up your mind to forgive, God would make it very easy for you.

Good luck.