My wife cannot be trusted with money

Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

My wife is the problem in my life. With three children between us, our marriage is loveless. She is greedy and cannot be trusted with money. She is also troublesome. I just feel sorry for the children.

Worried Husband.


Dear Worried Husband,

How did you two get to this stage? Surely those children couldn’t have happened in hate, they must be products of love between two people who care about each other.

Although, you didn’t tell me how long you have been married, chances are that you are both going through the thorny years of marriage, when a couple think they have made a mistake in the choice of who to share their lives with.

Because of the shattered dreams, your mind is blocking off any attempt to remember those wonderful nascent years. From my own experiences, I know how difficult it can be for couples going through severe challenges in their marriage to recall anything positive about their spouses.

It is never easy to overcome a problematic marriage but that is not to say it cannot be done if both parties let go of the bitter disappointment and make a strong effort to change things.

Your disappointment could also be a function of your inabilities to study each other during your courtship years. A lot of dating couples limit their knowledge of their partners’ attitudes and qualities to only their dating years. They neglect to factor into their relationship those enduring qualities and dreams that would guarantee them happiness in their marriage.

What were your expectations of the woman who would end up answering your name and bearing your children? Did you ever have one and if you did, how did they apply to your wife when you met and married her?

At what point in your marriage did these dreams become nightmares? What were your contributions to the problems? Human nature makes it very easy to find faults in other people, neglecting our own contributions to the problem. Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to destroy something very beautiful.

Did you measure up to her expectations, meeting her own dreams of an ideal husband? Yes, you may not be able to trust her with money, but are you giving her the chance to exercise her authority as an adult or do you police how she spends every kobo you give her? Do you give her the freedom to exist as your second in command at home or do you treat her opinion and actions as inferior?

What areas is she spending too much money? How come you think she cannot be trusted with money? Is it with the housekeeping money you cannot trust her? Is she stealing your money? Is it with her money? Where and what do you think she is spending the money on?

To be frank, there is no woman who doesn’t take advantage of her husband’s money either with or without his consent. Women generally believe that they have unrestricted access to their husband’s money and take the liberty of taking whenever they come across their husband’s money. Some go to the ridiculous extent of spending money meant for house-keeping on clothes and other things.

On whether it is right or wrong, isn’t the issue here. The issue is, it isn’t peculiar to your woman. To condemn her for it is to classify the majority of women as thieves. Granted a woman should ask permission before taking her husband’s money but we all know that in most homes, it isn’t practicable. Most women don’t feel they should ask permission before spending their husband’s money. If you think otherwise, let her know precisely how you feel about her attitude to money.

You can teach her to submit to your ways by not nagging or shouting over it. Be careful you don’t allow her escape with the impression that you are stingy because that is where the problem of stubbornness, suspicion and differences usually come from. When a woman has the impression that her husband doesn’t want her to take his money, she begins to suspect him of having affairs on the side. The thought of another woman having all the opportunities of spending her husband’s money while she is placed under ban brings out the green-eyed monster in her and before you know it, she begins to nag and misbehave.

Check your own contributions to the problems in your home. Admit yours and gently point her to hers. For the sake of those children, you both must learn to shift grounds because posterity won’t forgive both of you if you allow challenges that can be solved if there is the will and sincerity tamper with the peace of mind of these children.

There is a lot of wisdom in the old ways, which forbids a man from reacting to every thing a woman does. Sometimes, laughing at her and being friendly when she tries to quarrel could avert a major upset in the home.

Take a trip down memory lane to the first time you met her, to your wedding day and night, to the first time you held your first child, to those early days when you could not stop whispering sweet nothing into each other’s ears.

Follow this trip with a new determination to make your marriage work no matter what it cost you in time and pride. One of you must make the sacrifice to ensure those children remain happy.

Invite God into your marriage. Remember He didn’t say it would be problem free but He has promised His grace which in times of need is more than enough. This woman may appear to be very bad now but I can assure you, the next woman might be worse because nobody is perfect.

Marriage becomes enviable only if we invest into it.

Good luck.

She’s pregnant for me, but I don’t love her

Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I have a very serious problem to share with you following the kind of solutions you have been giving to people.

Agatha, my girlfriend whom I have dated for over four years got pregnant for me recently. I am really bothered about this development because I don’t have a well paid job.

Besides, I have recently found another woman whom I really love. Please advice me on what to do. Should I marry because of sentiment or because of love?.

Akpan Asuquo.


Dear Akpan Asuquo,

People should marry for love not for sentiment but not when that supposed love is flawed with so many inconsistencies.

If you are complaining of not having enough money to care for your unborn baby and mother, where would the money come from to execute this new relationship? Even if this new lady is the one with all the money, there is no way you would not be required to spend some money at one time or the other.

At what point did you discover you are not so much in love with your pregnant girlfriend? After she got pregnant and you discovered the responsibilities that come with having a baby and a woman to care for?

What happens if this new woman gets pregnant, leave her alone to care for the baby while you find another woman to love?

No, it isn’t fair. Nobody is saying you must marry this girl but good sense and justice demand that you give her all your support at this critical time of her life. It is the least you can do for a woman you have slept with for four years and who is carrying the results of those pleasurable moments you both shared. She doesn’t need this treatment now, no matter what she has done wrong or whatever feelings you have for this other woman.

Don’t forget the child she carries once out is more of yours than hers. That child, apart from being your first, would carry your name till eternity. If you start maltreating the mother from this stage on account of her being pregnant with your child, what hopes does the child have of you caring for his education and needs?

The ideal thing to do is to sit down with your girlfriend and discuss the way forward. If you cannot marry her, let her know even though it beats my imagination that you are only discovering you cannot marry her after she got pregnant. At least let her know why you don’t think she is good enough for you anymore.

Also discuss the support you would give to her after the baby comes.

The right thing, no matter what you both agree to is to wait around her until the baby is born. If the other woman is the one you prefer at the end of the day, just make sure you are going for her because of love and not due to fear of responsibility.

A man who is afraid of responsibility lacks the moral grounds to be counted as a man when a census of men is being taken. It is not the biological features only that counts but the fearlessness of a man to own up to his responsibilities always.

Good luck.

Can she remain faithful while I’m abroad?

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I must say you are an instrument of God. Thank you for your great honesty.

I am 27 years of age. I currently have this problem with my fiancée.

In the first place there is no denying the fact that we are both in love with each other but since I have the desire to travel abroad without her, I am scared about losing her.

This is because I am not her first lover. What do you think I should do to manage this situation without losing her to another man?

Do you think a blood engagement can help?

Since meeting her, I have never cheated on her or thought of looking at another woman. How do I know if she is my wife?

Agatha, I keep having this feeling she may cheat on me while I am out of the country, what can I do to stop her from cheating on me? I love her so much. Finally, I can do whatever she wants. Please am I doing the right thing?

Confused Man



Dear Confused Man,

Trust is the basis for the success of every relationship. Without it, there is nothing anybody can do. You must learn to trust her, no matter what you feel especially if she hasn’t given you any reason to distrust her.

Not being her first lover doesn’t make her less of a person to be trusted. You knew she wasn’t a virgin when you met her, so you must learn to live with that knowledge no matter the situation you both find yourselves in.

Being a virgin doesn’t automatically confer the status of trust on a woman, what does is her conduct and commitment to her partner at any given time.

For you to be so in love with her, she must have some outstanding qualities you cannot afford to miss.

Trust isn’t built in a day, it takes a while and this is derived from behavioural pattern of a particular person. In all your time with her, think as objectively as possible, has she ever given you any reason to doubt her, suspect her of being incapable of staying faithful to you while you are away?

Jealousy is a very dangerous emotion. She would feel very hurt and miserable if she finds out that you don’t trust her to be responsible while you are away in a foreign land and that you even suspect her of being incapable of remaining faithful to you.

However, to give you the assurance you need to live a stress free life, call her to discuss your fears and anxiety with her. Be careful not to give her the impression you don’t trust her at all because it could make her undergo severe pressure from men or her family do something she would ordinarily not do; whereas if she is secured in your trust you would equally do anything to defend that trust.

What do you mean by blood engagement? Are you talking about blood covenant? Sincerely, it isn’t worth it, because the spiritual implications are usually not favourable. The attendant spiritual complication is always too severe at the end of the day especially if both of you end up with other partners.

Blood engagement or covenant is also an evidence of insecurity and lack of trust. It is akin to forcing each other to stay in a relationship against one’s will, having a relationship under duress. This should arise where there is trust and security.

One way you can get her to remain faithful to you and you to her is for both of you to fuse unconditional friendship into your relationship. To do this, de-emphasise sex. You are jittery of leaving her behind because you think she cannot stay without sex. If both of you had from the beginning founded your relationship on enduring qualities like friendship, tolerance and understanding what is really required to make a relationship happy, this morbid fears you are nursing would not have been.

Unless you have an idea of what you want from life, learn to pay attention to those qualities you know would give you endless happiness in a woman, you may never know if she is your wife or not. To know if she is the right one for you, you must begin the appraisal from your own end. What do you understand by love? Is it for you the same thing as having fulfilling sex with a pretty woman? Is physical beauty for you the only thing that your ideal woman must have? What do you understand by inner beauty, which envelops humility, respects loyalty, tolerance, support, care, believes in you, responsibility, understanding, faith in the relationship and selflessness? These are all the things that give birth to friendship, which brings out the inner treasures in a person.

Without you having full grasp of all that are required to turn an ordinary relationship into an earth moving experience irrespective of whether the couple is together or not, inside or outside the bedroom, there is no way anybody can say she is a wife material. She must in addition to the above qualities have a passion for your well being which in turn translates to good house keeping and nourishment.

Sincerely there is nothing you can do to stop her from being disloyal to you if she has the tendency to do it. She doesn’t have to wait for you to travel out before dating another man. A man or woman, who has the tendency to cheat, would do it irrespective of where his or her partner is. The only thing that can stop her is her commitment to you and yours to her. It is not enough for her to remain committed to you if you fail to reciprocate her gesture. As a matter of fact, she is the one that needs all the assurances in the world because you are the one leaving her behind. The excitement and loneliness of a new surrounding are enough grounds for you to be unfaithful. If you love her also learn to trust her.

But one very solid way of protecting this relationship is to entrust it to God. If you are both meant to be, God would preserve it no matter the challenge but if God didn’t design her for you, everything you do would be in vain.

Good luck.

My hubby betrayed me by siding with his family

Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am newly married. I got married seven months ago and my husband brought me to live in his family house where his parents, sisters and brothers live. He is the first born so his father gave him one of the flats in their house.

I really didn’t like the idea but I had no choice. When he first mentioned it and I tried to discourage him, he told me it would save us a lot of money and the stress of looking for another accommodation.

Besides, he assured me that since we would be living in our own flat, we would have no problems with any member of his family.

I got pregnant almost immediately after marriage hence I was indoors most of the time. If the mother didn’t come to search my freezer for something to cook for her family, his sisters or brothers would come to watch one film or the other not minding if I was watching a programme or not.

My home became the venue for all kinds of meetings. They would come with friends to party and when I complained of too much noise, they would turn it down for a while before increasing it again.

I tried reporting them to my husband but he appears incapable of doing anything forcing me to report them to my mother-in-law who didn’t hesitate to let me know that the flat we are in is part of her husband’s house and her children’s inheritance.

This, she told me, gives them the right to do what they like because the place also happens to be where their elder brother stays. She warned me not to come between her children.

From then on, nothing I did made sense. If she is not complaining about my cooking, she goes to my pot without invitation, she is complaining about my housekeeping. It got so bad that I almost lost my pregnancy.

The latest embarrassment came when my mother came on a visit. But for the intervention of my father-in-law who happened to be around, she would have been thrown out for asking one of my sisters-in-law not to take out the soup she just prepared for me.

There was nothing my mother-in-law didn’t say to my mother. It was too much provocation for me. I had to confront my sisters-in-law and their mother. It earned me a slap on my face. My mother was beside herself and would have retaliated but for my father-in-law who walked in at that moment.

I have had it to my limits. I cannot cope anymore and my husband isn’t helping the situation. He says I am not patient enough and that my mother lacks the right to caution his sister from going to my pot or kitchen.

It is all so confusing. I don’t know what to do.

Rita


Dear Rita,

There is no marriage without its challenges especially if you begin your married life living with your in-laws. It can be very hectic for the woman who is at the center of it all.

Honestly, your husband is at fault. It was wrong for him to have insisted you live in his family house. Your marriage is still too tender to survive such interventions and assaults of the entire family clan. The odds are heavily against you because nothing you do would ever be right with them being a stranger among the lot.

It is too much of a risk for your young marriage. There is no price too much for him to pay for the success of this marriage and if that means leaving the family house to rent even a room, he should consider the option.

No matter how much his father tries to make peace, since the issue has extended to your mothers, it would only keep degenerating, choking any chance your marriage may have to recover from this injury.

Even if you are willing to let go of that incident, what about your mother or his? Frankly, the two didn’t act as matured women at all. Your mother shouldn’t have challenged your sister-in-law given the acrimony already existing between you and your in-laws. She should just have ignored her no matter how provoking the situation was to her. For your sake and health, she should have walked away from it all after all the house and pot of soup are yours. If you didn’t complain at the effrontery of your sister-in-law to go into your pot of soup, she should simply have ignored everything. Had she done that, even if it was a deliberate act on the side of your sister-in-law, the ugliness of that incident would have been averted. The issue now is that she went to her daughter’s house to fight her in-laws. Only very few would reason along the line of her protecting the health of her pregnant daughter. Besides, it would have given you more time to work on your husband to find alternative accommodation. Your mother has no right to come to your house to fight your in-laws just as your mother-in-law lacked the right to slap you.

Now she has made the situation more difficult for you to convince your husband on the need for both of you to find an alternative accommodation. He would think your mother is the one pulling the strings from behind. Even if your husband had the intention of doing that before, had sympathies for you, being a man he would really drag now because of the involvement of your mother.

Though she acted on instinct, but her timing was very wrong. Your husband wouldn’t want to act now to avoid being tagged as a hen- pecked husband.

Being the victim of all these family politics and pressures, you have to act fast. Play the kind of politics this situation requires for your own peace of mind.

Unless there is something you aren’t doing right, his whole family cannot be against you. There must be someone outside your husband among his siblings that can fight on your behalf, put a good word for you when the others are blowing hot against you.

If you are unable to get anyone to do this for you, please there is the need for you too to check your attitude. Sometimes the way people react to us come from our own attitudes. You have been married for seven months and before that time, you must have dated for sometime. It means you must have met some of his siblings while you were both dating in that house. He couldn’t have brought you to them on the day of introduction. A form of acquaintance must have been formed between you and his siblings before you officially became his wife.

What happened to that bridge relation? What efforts did you put into building it into full blown friendship? Did you, like most women, become too bitter about your husband’s decision to stay on with his people? Were you blind to the good side of these people who have become your family too? Would you have minded the excesses of his siblings if they were your own brothers and sisters?

Would you have minded his mother going into your pot if she was your mother? Didn’t your mother have access to the same pot of soup, she prevented your sister-in-law from going into?

When his mother was coming to get things from you, did you at anytime go to her to ask what was in her kitchen too? Did you try to make her care for you as one of her children?

If you intend to stay in this marriage for a long time and defeat every opposition, these are issues you must look at. First admit to your own faults. You refused to integrate because you saw them as strangers and a third force in your marriage. You saw them as nuisances hence became cold to the very people who would have neutralised whatever oppositions their mother had against you. If she couldn’t and didn’t stop her son from marrying you, then whatever she has against you isn’t so fundamental.

Go to her when she is alone to beg her. Don’t forget that your husband is her child, her first son for that matter. You represent a rival in the deepest part of her heart because you have the love of the son she had always had.

Deep down, she isn’t too happy and is determined to show you that her hold over her son is stronger than yours being his mother. Be wise and go to her, show her that you aren’t in her son’s life to displace her but to consolidate his love for her.

Asking her for help to make your husband a better man would give her the sense of belonging she wants. Befriend her. Learn to cook her favorite meals and make her your friend. It might not be easy but if you are patient and prayerful, she would eventually thaw and call her riotous children to order.

Concurrently, make the attempt to befriend his siblings, start from the younger ones whose positions aren’t rigid. These ones are easily appeased once you have extra cash and gifts to throw their way. By the time you play your cards well, your husband would be the one wanting to pack out of the house on account of your being too close to his family for comfort. He would feel threatened by it all because he would feel they have more of you than him. It is a simple case of tact, determination, wisdom and tolerance of each other’s strength and weakness.

In marriage, a wise wife learns to stoop to conquer.

Good luck.

I’m pregnant for my friend's husband

with Agatha Edo, email; gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gamil.com: Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

About three houses away from where I stay, there is a very secluded guesthouse where men wishing to hide their affairs come to now and then with their dates.

But for the heavy traffic in the evenings to that place, nothing about the house gives the impression of what it is used for. Being in a very responsible estate completes the camouflage of secrecy.

On my way from work one evening, I noticed a very familiar car. Since it was about three cars ahead of mine I couldn’t be sure by the time I drove through our estate security.

I know it entered into the guesthouse. There was no way I could go and check since I had work to do. Being a single mother of two daughters from two men, I take my job seriously.

I almost forgot until my friend called me around 11.30 that night to complain that her husband isn’t back from work yet. According to her, he was busy with a new project. I almost told her I saw a car like that of her husband in my estate but I kept quiet. In the first place, the husband didn’t like me too much he thinks I am a very bad influence on his wife because of my two failed marriages. Secondly, he doesn’t even know where I lived and for some strange reasons I don’t want him to find out because around him, I can’t trust myself to behave. His maleness is that potent.

I immediately knew what his new project was. That night, I didn’t sleep but kept vigil in the bedroom that looked directly over the compound. He left at about 12.30 a.m.

For a month, I kept tab on him. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the information I was gathering because I would be the last to tell his wife anything.

The wife remains my oldest friend and we have been through some wildlife together, boyfriend swapping and all those naughty things young women did, visiting spiritualists to make men fall and stay with us as long as we wanted. It was this charm my friend actually used on him the first time they met.

I honestly didn’t mean anything to happen until one night I gave in to the temptation inside of me. I called him and gave him the name of the guesthouse on my street. Since I knew when he would be coming, I waited for him outside my gate. That started the illicit affair between my friend’s husband and me.

It is been a year now. My friend unknown to her tells me everything happening between her and her husband, how he doesn’t come home anymore. I am always the one visiting her to prevent her from coming to my place.

Seeing how old and depressed she has become I want to end it all but I discover that I am deeply in love with me and don’t ever want to let go of him unlike all the other men in my life.

I deliberately got pregnant to keep him. He was happy at first but in these last couple of weeks, he seems to be withdrawing and don’t pick my calls. I know he is my friend’s husband but I have always wanted him.

You may condemn me but try to understand that I love him too and help me overcome this.

Idowu.



Dear Idowu,

Try putting yourself in the shoes of your friend. Even if you are trying to justify your reason for obviously charming this man into your bed and arms, the fact remains that he isn’t yours to keep.

If you had done boyfriend swapping as young girls, is it an excuse for you to do what you are now doing to her? How would you feel in her shoes? And to think she still confides all her matrimonial problem in you?

No matter how attractive this man is he can’t be the only one with such charisma. Getting old and more experienced, the ways of life should have told you that the world is governed by responsibilities. There is no way we can ever get all that we want from life. It would have been better this hurt is coming from an unknown person and not one she considers her intimate friend.

That she did her charms and got away with it doesn’t mean you will get away with the one you have done on him. In the first instance, God is very fair in His judgement. She didn’t hurt another woman to get her husband. You are hurting another woman, your friend, her children and home in the process of you having your wish fulfilled. This isn’t right.

Well, you are old enough to handle the pregnancy. It was your choice to get pregnant, so be prepared to face the challenges of telling that child how the husband of your friend became its father. Begin from now to defend yourself against the condemnation of that child whose foundation is already faulty.

How do you expect that child if he turns out to be a boy to feel among his siblings and relatives?

As a mother you should worry about that time when the child is old enough to understand the politics, intrigues and shame that followed his or her birth. If this pregnancy turns out to be a girl, what moral authority would you have to caution her against following in your footsteps? Don’t forget by then, you would no longer view life from this angle unless of course you think your ways remain the best.

There is nothing you can do anymore but to confront the ghost you have exhumed. It is either you make the choice of staying out of their lives, conceal the identity of the father of your unborn child from your friend as well as think of an imaginary father in a far away land who is dead to give your child. This way, you would be leaving the choice of exposing your affair to this man just as you must be prepared to go to your grave with this secret.

This option gives the child a free and fair foundation to begin life and exist as a product of true love and not smeary one you planned for it.

You also have the choice to open up your can of worms by telling your friend you are the woman who not only stole her husband but also destroyed the peace of her home.

You can trust this option won’t be without a dirty fight, one in which both of you would expire untimely. Before you consider this option think of your daughters who need you around, who may not be as strong as you might have fortified yourself spiritually. Your girls may be targets of reprisal attack from a friend if she has your kind of heart and wishes to hurt you as much you have hurt her.

It is unfortunate you didn’t think beyond the immediate, but you must now if you even want to be alive to enjoy seeing this child you are carrying. It is only the living that gets married and to have children.

You have made a costly mistake; don’t complicate things further. Life is too fragile, and its tomorrow very pregnant.

For now, go away until you have the baby. Change your number so this friend of yours won’t be able to get through to you for a time. By the time you resurface, too much time would have gone for both of you to have the time to be close again.

Since apart from the fact you actually want to stop this relationship, your also going away would to help your friend and her husband to reconcile their differences. Overtime they would find a stable ground to put this time behind them. Once both parties are determined to make it work, incidents like this can be forgiven.

You have had your wish to have a child for him, let him have her wish of a happy home. Having gone through two broken marriages, you should have inkling into how she would be feeling now, her tension, fears and aches. You said so yourself that she is suffering emotionally. Don’t you feel something die inside of you anytime you behold the face of someone who trusts you so much and thinks you are on her side?

Sincerely, this is the least you can do in this situation and the most honourable thing for you to do first as a woman and secondly for the good times you once shared as true friends.

Good luck.

She can’t be pregnant after years of masturbation…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am so impressed at your wise answers to people with different problems.

My close friend at school called two weeks ago concerning her marital problems.

She said that she started masturbating in 2007 when her boyfriend had sex with her. She did that to avoid sleeping with other guys after that relationship broke up. But now she is married and she is not pregnant after five months of marriage. The reason is that her husband’s sperm come out her body immediately after they made love.

Please Agatha does it mean that my friend is not productive and cannot bear children again in her lifetime? Is there other alternative? Please she is confused. Help her out, please.

Caring Friend.


Dear Caring Friend,

Your friend has no reason to worry about it, because what she is experiencing is normal. Her history of masturbation has nothing to do with what is happening to her. She isn’t alone. Many women experience such discharges each time their men ejaculate inside them, but that hasn’t stopped a lot of these women from becoming pregnant.

Like everything else about the human body, the vagina differs from one woman to the other, hence performs differently. While some are able to absorb perfectly all the semen, some don’t have that capacity, hence leak.

Besides, I am told the semen is the protective coat of the sperm. Once the man discharges, they separate. While the sperm travels to its destination, the semen comes out.

Since your friend is trying to conceive, she and her husband may try to experiment with other styles. The missionary position is notorious for making it easy for the sperm to come out of the vagina. They could adopt a position that gives the man more room to penetrate and discharge close to her uterus to make it easier for the sperm to get to her egg faster than if they have been discharged at the walls of her vagina.

Your friend and her husband can get details from books specially written to help couple to explore more intimate positions to adopt during lovemaking.

Since she is trying to get pregnant, she should refrain from standing up immediately after having sex with her husband. She should help herself by elevating her behind on a pillow for close to 20 minutes to help keep the sperm close to her womb. As a matter of fact, the pillow should be in place especially if both of them are more comfortable with the missionary position during lovemaking.

If adopting another position, once her husband ejaculates, she should stay in that elevated position to further assist the sperm perform its duty in the womb.

She should try as much as possible to avoid putting herself under needless stress. A lot of time, it isn’t the quality of sperm or the woman’s quality of reproductive health that is the culprit but the anxiety that goes into expecting the expected to happen at the end of every month. For some women, it is simply a matter of relaxing and enjoying the thrills of being made love to by her husband. A lot of things could go wrong with the woman’s body system if she fixes her mind too much on trying to get pregnant. The tension alone of expecting it to happen may send her body into knots, making it unreceptive to sperm.

A sperm needs a warm and receptive body to settle in. Once the chemicals of anxiety sets in, it becomes difficult for it to reach its destination and some who brave it all to reach it, find out that the anxiety makes the egg too tense to grow into maturity.

This explains why a woman would experience the entire natural things she is supposed to feel and still not have a baby. Anxiety can cause temporary infertility in some women.

If this is the case, she needs your help to go through this phase. Continue to encourage her to trust God and be at peace with herself. Five months isn’t too long for her to work herself up unnecessarily.

However, there is also the need for her and her husband to seek further medical help to eliminate the presence of medical problems like watery sperm or possible medical problems she may have.

Good luck.

We can’t enjoy sex due to morals fed us as kids…

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am in desperate need for help and advice. This is something I am too ashamed to discuss with anybody. I am a pastor. My wife and I married as virgins.

I was 35 when I got married and was already a pastor. All my life I have worked in various capacities in the church. I grew up in that kind of home where sex was never discussed. As a matter of fact, I didn’t know what to expect until my wedding night.

I didn’t even have the guts to woo a woman. My mother actually married my wife for me. She is the daughter of a very close friend of hers. As expected my mother and her friend share the same ideology about life.

The only time my mother made reference to sex was after our wedding night, when she called me aside for a talk. She told me it wasn’t to be taken as food, that my wife should be contented with whatever I give her and that I should remember that Adam fell because he couldn’t resist Eve. She said I should not allow my labours in God’s vineyard to go down the drain over a woman.

We have been married for two years now. After that wedding night, my wife and I haven’t summoned the courage to sleep together again. She says she is still praying to God for forgiveness for what we did on our wedding night.

My family and hers are beginning to ask questions about our ability to produce children. My mother is very worried because I am her only child and she wants grandchildren like every other woman.

Recently she shocked me by asking me if she can secretly make plans for me to have another wife in the village that would give her grandchildren.

I am confused and too ashamed to ask, how can I enjoy sex with my wife and how can I get her to relax?

Confused Hubby.


Dear Confused Hubby,

Honestly, I admit this is one of the toughest problems I have had to deal with, but I am confident this is one problem God would solve for you and your wife.

To begin with, flee from your mothers. These women are the main cause of the problem you and your wife are having now. If you and your wife haven’t been able to make love after your wedding night two years ago, it underscores the amount of damaging information they have brainwashed you two with.

Having experienced matrimony for the number of years they have been married to your fathers, they should have known how important sex is to couple and the institution of marriage generally. As women, they ought to know what is true from what isn’t. That they were the ones feeding your brains with ideologies that are totally wrong and unworkable is rather unfortunate. Can they in all honestly say they only sleep with their husbands only when they want to produce babies? Is your mother in particular saying she slept with your father only on the occasion that produced you and that since then she hasn’t had sex with her husband?

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that she and your father actually premised their marriage on this doctrine of hers, time should have told her that it wouldn’t work for you.

The fallacy of her position is made evident in her current demand that she arranges another woman for you secretly to give her grandchildren. You should have told her that the problem is not in your wife’s ability to conceive but as a result of the combined effort of her and her friend in damaging the psychology of your wife who is still praying for forgiveness for sleeping with her husband two years ago.

You should call the two friends to find ways of undoing their massive damage on your wife and you. To keep quiet is to give the impression that your wife is actually at fault when in reality she is only acting the script in a play written for her by her mother and yours long before you both got married.

Tell your mother that her twisted sense of moral values is the reason she hasn’t had a grand child two years after your marriage. Invite your mother-in-law to begin the process of debriefing your wife, making her understand that sex isn’t ugly, dirty, frigid and full of pains, but most important of all that there is no sin in enjoying intimacy with one’s spouse.

Both your mother and her friend have to come and plead with your wife to see sex as one of her major duties in your house. She must be made to understand that without giving in to sex, she has no business in your house and is actually a sin before God for a woman to deny her husband sex. She has to be told that she is unwittingly pushing you into the waiting arms of another woman as well as exposing your ministry to temptations.

The duplicity of your mother is her insistence she marries secretly for you. If you allow her to do this, she would have finally destroyed you forever. Sincerely, you are not doing yourself any good by not letting her know the problem she has caused for you. The danger of allowing too much access to you now is embedded in your wife’s refusal to sleep with you. It makes you very vulnerable and open to temptations.

Wherever your mother’s effort in making you hate sex, you remain a man that any determined lady to have you can get. The fact that you have gone through it one is already registered in your brain and would take the attractive body and smell of a woman to bring back. The fact is you may not have planned for it, both the combination of lust, pressure from your mother to have a child and the refusal of your wife to sleep with you would make you do what you don’t want to do.

Therefore you need to be careful because the same woman who once cautioned you against being a sex slave for the sake of your ministry is no longer so concerned for your ministry. She now wants a grandchild from her only child. When a mother becomes that desperate for a grandchild, there is no telling what she would do.

This is really the time for you to grow out of your jacket as your mother’s tool. The situation in your home has continued for this long because you lack the will to think and take on challenges head on. Although you didn’t say it, you are secretly relying on your mother to find solutions to this mess. This is not a way to live life as a man. It is time you took charge of your life completely as a man of 35 years old. You have gone past the age of tutorials. As a pastor, you should know how important sex is. You don’t need your mother anymore to tell you that it isn’t dirty or a sin. Natural curiosity should have made you to investigate the nature of sex. If a member of your congregation should approach you with this kind of problem, how would you handle it? This is why you should grow up and stop allowing your mother dictate what pattern your life should take.

Doubtless, the Bible frowns against premarital affairs but it doesn’t limit sex to a baby machine routine. Sex as a special gift from God, a tool that binds and soften the rough edges of married life, it also bridges the difficulties of two total strangers coming together to form a home. Above all, it is a covenant between a man and a woman.

No matter how tense a situation in a marriage is, once the man and woman are able to make love, a lot of the tension goes out of the issue making it easy for the couple to make peace.

As the man of the house, it is time you sat your wife down for some home truths. It is unimaginable that two years after your marriage, you have only slept with each other once. She is also not too young or naïve to know that when a man gets married, she is expected to sleep with her husband and that it is the only way babies are conceived. So the idea of her finding it a sin is strange and absolutely laughable. Also let her know the first time for women is always a painful experience.

Make it clear you are ready to exercise your rights as her husband any moment from now. But take your time to make it enjoyable for both of you by having an opened mind about sex. See it as a gift, something to be enjoyed by allowing your natural instinct help navigate you.

There is nothing difficult about it. It is just a matter of having the right attitude towards sex. This is the message you must communicate to your wife. I am sure once she gets the right signal from you, backed with relevant Bible passages to help her understand that she is not doing anything she isn’t supposed to do, things would improve significantly between the two of you.

If she won’t mind meeting me, let her come to my office. She needs another view of what sex is to function effectively.

Good luck.

How do I know my Mr Right?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

As a young lady, how do I know the right man when he comes for marriage?

Bisi.


Dear Bisi,

Although there is no sign to announce a man as being the right one or not, more often than not, the seriousness of a man can be dete

cted from the values he puts forward.

A man who is interested in marrying a woman would never be in a hurry to sleep with her, neither would he do anything to compromise her image.

This is because he knows that he would be affected eventually by whatever negative impression his actions bring upon her. Even when he knows that she has not lived an unblemished life, he still makes the effort to shield her from public ridicule, pointing people at her strong points.

He also ensures that he does everything to conceal her weakness from his friends and family members. Such a man is always ready to be on the firing line, taking the blame for his woman’s shortcomings even when it is obvious that the woman is at fault.

Where others see problem, he sees hope in the woman. He is always positive that if shown love, the woman would change.

He is the kind of friend and cheerleader every woman needs to arrive at her destination in life. Even when the woman is contemplating giving up, complaining about perceived limitations, he is always on hand to give her all the support and encouragement needed to excel.

This is because he isn’t threatened by her success or leadership qualities. He doesn’t mind taking the backseat for her to be at the centre stage. He hardly gets angry and when he does, it is only to help the woman become better at being a wife and mother.

But you can find this kind of man if you also know as a woman what you want from life. Many a time women throw away their opportunity to be happy by the choices they put forward. A woman who is more interested in physical looks and how large a man’s wallet is would eventually find out that her seemingly Mr. Right is one of the worst mistakes of her life.

Like everything good in life, you have to be ready to pay the price of patience in knowing who your Mr. Right is. Be prepared to look beyond his appearance, status, connection, family as well as size of his wallet. This is because he may come in the least attractive package. Only a woman who is sure of what she wants for herself discovers the value of gold in its raw form.

Every relationship has a gestation period, one that requires both parties to till the hard grown of building a relationship with all the seriousness it deserves.

Once you as a young woman know that the man you want to marry is for life, no matter how tempting other prospects are, you will take the time to find out from all the ones that come who the real gem is.

You must also have the right idea of what a marriage is to know the kind of man you need in your life. If you think marriage is a journey of a smooth ride to happiness, to that Island of fantasy where everything happens without sacrifices and struggles, chances are you will settle for the man who appears to have the looks and means to do it effortlessly.

But from experience marriage is more about the strength of a man’s character as well as determination to stay married. This is so because a man without the resolve to stay married may lack the unique tolerance to cope with the temperament of a woman especially on those times of the month when the mood is controlled by hormones.

You must, from the very beginning, give yourself that chance to meet the right man.

Good luck.

My husband locked me out of our bedroom

Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I suspect my husband is having an affair. These days he complains practically about everything. If he is not criticising my shape or mode of dressing, he is complaining about my house keeping. I have tried to ignore him but it is becoming unbearable.

After claiming to be on official duties outside Lagos for a week, he came back and demanded we made love in a particular position we have never tried before. When I asked how he came about the position and what was wrong with the position we have adopted in our eight years of marriage, he countered by asking what was wrong in experimenting with his suggestions.

This was all I needed to confirm my suspicions that he was having an affair. Too hurt to say anything, I walked out of our bedroom and slept in the children’s room that night.

Since then he has kept me outside our bedroom. He says I should continue to sleep with the children in their room since I seem to prefer them to him.

He not only changed the lock but refused to give me a copy. When I wasn’t at home he had most of my things moved into the children’s room.

These days he comes back when he likes and often do not eat at home. When he comes in, he only peeps into the children’s room before moving into our bedroom.

I have tried getting him to talk but he has refused to discuss with me or say anything to me.

I don’t know what to do. I am seriously thinking about trailing him and finding out who this other woman is and warning her to stay off my husband in her own interest. If there isn’t any woman, he won’t be this hard or difficult.

Please help me.

Worried Wife.


Dear Worried Wife,

Irrespective of what his attitude had been, you were wrong to have walked away when the sensitive issue of sex position was being discussed by the two of you. Even if you had reservations about the position he was canvassing, leaving him to sleep in the children’s room wasn’t right.

Not only did you by that action tell him that you are not concerned about his feelings but that you are not interested whatsoever in what he was saying. Locking you out of your bedroom, is communicating the extent of his pains and hurt.

Rather than waste your precious time looking for the other woman in his life and causing yourself and marriage unnecessary problems, concentrate more on resolving the problem you are having with him.

Don’t lose sight of the danger of his insistence you stay out of your matrimonial bed. If you have been sleeping with the children in their room, it means he hasn’t bothered to be intimate with you since you walked out on him. If this situation persists, you risk losing not just him but your home as well.

You really need to act fast if you desire to have your man and home back. And this is not by fighting any woman over him. Don’t forget if you did a good job in the first place by keeping your man by your side, the other woman won’t have unrestricted access to him.

Not only is he not sleeping with you, he is also not eating your food. These are very dangerous signs that you are no longer in control of your man and home. He only needs just a little more provocation to show the door out of your home. If he can do without sex and food, he might as well do away with you completely. Your value in that house as his wife is daily being eroded by this strange arrangement.

Frankly, the signs are ominous and would need a supreme will from you to reverse. In addition to prayers, you need wisdom and absolute sense of maturity to win him over. To do this right, you have to stoop to conquer. The time for anger and arrogance is long past. This is the time for you as a woman to use submissiveness and all the craft of a desperate woman to win back your man and home.

Begin your campaign and battle for supremacy by first apologising to him. Even if he refuses to listen the first time, keep begging him in nightgowns you know are sinfully sexy; the ones that scream you are available and showcases your features as a delectable woman.

This is not the time for modesty. There is nothing you have on and inside that body he hasn’t seen before or doesn’t have a right to. He isn’t just any man. He is your husband so go all out to get him back. Remember you are licensed to.

Even if there is another woman, you have the advantage of being under his roof; you have a knowledge of him this woman doesn’t have and above all, you have the support of God on this matter. The only thing standing between you and your happiness is pride. If you are not bothered about kneeling before him every day until he thaws, you will definitely get him to listen to you.

Once you are able to get him to discuss with you, the battle is half won. Since he is interested in experimenting with other positions, you have to arm yourself with updates on interesting sexual positions. The pleasure of life comes from a deep sense of adventure. Sex is like food; it needs interesting peps, inventions and experiments to make it very appealing. There is no way you will get pleasure from sex if you keep doing a particular style. Don’t forget that this is something you would both do for the rest of your lives. You are just eight years into a journey of a lifetime. And if at this early stage, your husband is already showing signs of boredom with you and your sexual attitude, think of what would become of this marriage in another five years time?

Even if you feel irritated and suspect a woman to be behind his complains as well as criticism of you, good wisdom demands you listen to him and ask yourself if he is right. There is never smoke without fire. There is something you must be doing wrong to attract his constant criticism. It is only when you adopt a clear and open mind about his attitude that you will discover your own faults in all these.

The more you think he is being instigated by the presence of another woman in his life, the more you drift away from your husband. There is no perfect human being. Granted, he maybe taking things out of context, but accepting your own weakness would help you change for the best.

Should you ideally give attention to your looks and housekeeping? That you have been doing it in a particular way doesn’t mean you are getting it right. Ask him what areas he thinks you aren’t devoting enough attention and time to. Listen to his suggestions, after all he too lives in that house and is your number one admirer; the only one who has all the rights in the world to complain about your looks. You should actually be bothered if he is saying he isn’t too pleased with your looks. Ask for his helpful hints in creating an improved you. Chances are if there is a woman in his life, he would want you to look like her so he would continue to sustain his interest in you. Sincerely, it isn’t such a bad idea as long as you have him to yourself.

Use the opportunity of begging him to solicit for his help in enhancing the look of your home as well as other areas of your lives.

If your shape is a headache, don’t fret, if you cannot get the fats off, ensure you don’t add up unnecessarily. Dress in clothes that compliment your figure that brings out the beauty in your shape as well as smile at your strong feature, go also for hairstyles that make your face glow with the pride of a woman who is so sure of herself.

Often than not, it is not the shape that is the problem but how to manage the shape and get the best out of it.

By involving him in your wardrobe, management of your home since he obviously doesn’t mind, your relationship is given the right foundation to grow naturally. You actually become a team, one no woman no matter how attractive can break.

In a way, your husband through his complains is asking for that chance to be more active in your life.

Go and beg him for the sake of your home. Even if you feel he is simply being difficult, you need to bring him back home because to do otherwise is to destroy the home you have been building for these eight years.

Good luck.

Will kindness to my stepdaughter help my childlessness?

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am 49 years of age. I have been married for close to 19 years without a child. God blessed me with everything; I earn more than my husband, and own a house of my own.

Two years before I met and married my husband, a woman took in for him. He made it clear to the lady he wasn’t interested in marrying her so he took his child once she was a year old to live with his mother.

There were pressures on me from members of his family when we got married to take in the child but I declined, insisting she was too tender for me to bring into the house.

The truth is I didn’t want the added burden of looking after this child. My husband didn’t push and sensing my disposition towards the child, decided to leave her with his mother.

The child has been staying with his mother in the village since then. Sometime last year, she gave birth to a set of twins. The father of the babies denied paternity of the children claiming he wasn’t the only one she was sleeping with.

When she became pregnant, my mother-in-law called me privately to beg that she be allowed to come to stay with me; that she was in no position as a result of her old age to effect discipline.

I refused partly because she has become too wild for me. On the few occasions I visited the village with my husband, I didn’t like her comportment or the company she kept. Besides, she didn’t have any kind of regard for me.

I cannot stomach her for a minute under my roof.

Her father, at least, ensured he sent her money at the end of every month. Sometimes he took money from me to send her when he has nothing on him and she needed money.

Now my mother-in-law is very ill and the family is asking my husband to come for his child and grandchildren. To my surprise he is actually thinking of bringing home this girl and her children.

I really don’t know what to do at all. How I am going to cope with this lady and her children? Some friends of mine think I should insist he rents a place for them outside my home. What do you think? I am so confused about everything right now. My best friend thinks this is the perfect opportunity for me to make amends as well as have my own children. She says if I care for this girl and her children, God might have mercy on me and open my womb.

Please help me, as I don’t have too much time on my hands. How can I manage someone who appears to hate me with so much passion as the child does?

Labisi.


Dear Labisi,

You are one lucky woman because it isn’t everyone God gives a second chance to make amends. You have wronged this lady, your mother-in-law, your husband and those twins. If she were your biological daughter would you leave her in the village? Allow her to grow with her grandmother who is daily struggling with the challenges of aging to look after?

You honestly didn’t act like a woman looking up to God for the fruit of the womb. Those who told you, back then, to care for this girl as your own knew what they were talking about.

Deep down do you think if you cared for this child as your own she would be in this mess of early motherhood? There is no way this young lady would have had all the freedom to run after different men if she were living with you and her father.

No matter how well her grandmother intended to bring her up, the fact remains that she cannot do the job as effectively as you and her father would have done in managing and taming her wildness.

If she dislikes you, fails to accord you the respect you deserve as the wife to her father, it is because you let the gap opened. Since marrying the father, how much efforts have you put into winning her or her welfare for that matter? It isn’t enough loaning the father money to send to her when he hasn’t enough money on him; you would have made the difference in the life of this young lady had you taken time out to be a mother and friend to her.

What do you expect from a girl you and your husband abandoned when she needed parental care the most? If she dislikes you, it is only natural because she thinks you don’t like her at all and rightly blames you for her father’s neglect of her.

Don’t postpone it any longer. Go and bring them yourself. If you have children of your own, how do you intend caring for them? It is that same way you would care for this lady and her children. This is the time she needs you the most and time to reward the dedication of your husband who must be going through pressures from his family and friends to marry another woman following your inability to give him a child close to twenty years of marriage.

He must be a gentleman because another man would have since brought in his child whether you liked it or not.

Your husband may not out of love and concern for your feelings bring the child home but it isn’t the same thing as not wanting to be close to his daughter and grandchildren. This is his first child and for now his only one. The grandchildren may have come from the mistakes of his daughter but they remain his grandchildren.

Bringing them home is telling him you understand his feelings as a parent and your willingness to make him happy. Your friend is right, these children, if you really care for them, would definitely bring you luck. Not only would they fill the void in your life but also give you the opportunity of experiencing all the thrills of motherhood and granny at the same time.

The magic of these children in your home would instantly change the atmosphere around so much so you would forget the tension you feel at the end of every month when your cycle appears.

Once you are able to get over your inhibitions, disinterest in the affairs of your husband, you will find out that you have more to gain by bringing this child and her children to live with you.

There is nothing true love cannot cure. Her wildness and reactions to you would dramatically change if you prove to her that you have what it takes to be her mother and best friend.

At this point, what she really need is a friend. One who understands her fears, reservations and is willing to help manage her failures to success.

It may be odd for the first few months given the time and ill-feelings that have gone into your current relationship, but overtime things would change between you two. The secret is to take each day as it comes.

If you adopt a natural attitude, things would work out just fine between all of you, and your home would be happier than you have ever known it to be.


Good luck.

Body odour may soon force me to commit suicide…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 34 years of age and still single. I have a problem of body odour, which if care isn’t taken might lead me to taking my own life. This is because it has denied me the privilege of having any friend. Some people call me pig while others say I smell like a rotten rat.

As a matter of fact, I have suffered a lot of disappointments from men due to my condition.

Agatha, I am really regretting coming to this world. Please help me. Desperate Lady.


Dear Desperate Lady,

Sincerely, you don’t need negative people around you. Avoid those who call you names because they have nothing to offer you but pains and sorrow.

A lot of time some of these issues come from our understanding of body hygiene. The truth is many women don’t know how to take care of their bodies. The woman’s body is made up so many curves and openings. The opening to the woman’s body is structured in such a way that it is constantly discharging. All these discharges can become sources of embarrassment to the woman if not handled with care. Although integral to the normal function of a woman’s body but can actually become a nightmare if a woman is careless enough to ignore the other side of it.

The personal hygiene every woman should know is how to care for those sensitive areas of her body. A woman must know when her body needs extra help in getting rid of smell. For instance, the early days after her monthly cycle, a woman should ensure her body is given special attention because the discharges at this time of the month are stronger than at other times. There are various washing liquids in the market formulated to help the woman care for her femininity.

In your case, you have to know where the problem is coming from. Have you always had it or is it something that just came from nowhere?

Body odour could be biological or spiritual. But generally, it refers to the unpleasant smell the body emits. More often than not, it comes from the presence of bacteria on the body. These bacteria rapidly double, when they come in contact with sweat. Parts of the body commonly associated with body odour are the scalp, feet, groin, skin, armpits, genitals, pubic hair, ear and navel.

Other reasons could also come from our social habits, health conditions, medications, diet, and personal hygiene especially in the case of women who have bad hygiene during menstruation or at menopause, or deficiency of some vital minerals in the body system. It could also be hereditary.

Body odour varies from person to person. While in some people it can disappear after bathing and changing of clothes, in some people it comes back almost immediately especially if the person puts on the same clothes he or she was wearing before the bath.

For some others, it is a matter of complete overhaul of one’s habits and hygiene.

At times using deodorants only worsens the situation because of the various toxic chemicals contained in some deodorants. Since your case appears to be on the strong side, desist from using these deodorants. Try some of the home remedies, which have worked for a lot of people. For instance, lime is very effective in combating body odour. From time to time, use limejuice mixed with a little salt to scrub your body. Leave for about 10 minutes before taking your bath. It helps to remove odour caused by accumulated sweat on the body. Baking soda too is also effective in fighting body odour. These are cheap and readily available as well as very simple to use. As a woman, pay particular attention to your armpit. Ensure no hair is in your armpit as well as your pubic area. Hair in the armpit trapped in sweat beads while the one in the pubic area trapped in discharges from the vagina. Women who are careless and don’t know how to wash properly end up oozing from these areas after a while.

But once the area is kept clean of hair, it is easier to wash and freshness maintained.

You could also use white vinegar or alcohol to rinse the armpits regularly. Ensure you showers regularly while also changing your pants with each shower.

Also, avoid tight fitting pants or nylon fabrics. Nylon can’t breathe hence trapped in moist from sweat unlike pure cotton.

While taking your bath, in addition to your armpits and genital area, pay particular attention to your navel, the space between your toes, behind the ears, underneath your breast as well as the valley in between the breasts. All these places should be properly scrubbed to ensure no dirt is tapped therein.

Your clothes should also be given special attention. Ensure they are first soaked in soapy hot water with disinfectants before washing. They should also be properly aired and ironed before wearing them.

The same treatment should be given to your underwear to ensure every sweat bead trapped in the clothes is properly washed away.

For now it may be advisable for you to keep low hair to enable you wash your hair and scalp daily.

However if it is the kind no remedy can conceal, it is either hereditary or spiritual. If your mother or anyone from your family has it, then it is hereditary but if nobody has it, please intensify your prayer life. Sometimes these kinds of challenges are meant to deny one of his or her glory.

Good luck.

Greener pasture turns my son to slave in England…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I recently travelled to England to visit my son who has been in that country for 15 years. This would be my first time of seeing him after all these years, as well as the woman he married six years ago.

I really looked forward to my stay in that country and to behold the woman my son has spoken so fondly of.

You can therefore imagine my surprise and acute disappointment when I met her to discover that not only was she older than my son but also lacked any kind of respect for him.

From the very first moment of my arrival, she asked me where I would be putting up since she didn’t like the sight of me.

It took my son quality time to make her agree for me to stay. When we got to their house, she didn’t even bother to ask me what I would eat. It was my son that did that. Because I was too tired from my trip that day, I slept off immediately I ate.

The next day, I woke to discover that it was my son cleaning the house, washing the plates and cooking while she sat in front of the television. He didn’t even have enough time to chat with me as she insisted he did one thing or the other for her.

I also noticed that anytime I demanded privacy with my son, she would call him to their room.

I also noticed that she kept going out, sometimes coming back early the next morning while her husband stayed at home. Sometimes right in my presence as well as my son’s, she would be addressing other men with endearments meant for her husband. I don’t need anybody to tell me where she goes in the kind of dresses she wears or the kinds of friends that come to visit her.

It was when she was out on one of her numerous outings that I got a chance to speak with my son.

The hour I spent discussing with my son revealed something deeper than what I had witnessed. My son was jobless and depended on his wife for money. To make things worse, they were into what you modern people call open marriage.

At first, I didn’t understand this until he explained to me. Their kind of marriage permits her to keep other men and since she was the one bringing in the money, he can’t complain else she would throw him out.

A week after my arrival, she came into my room to inform me that I had only three more days to stay in that house and that if I wanted to spend more time in that country, I should look elsewhere to stay.

My son just stood there without saying anything. Since I didn’t have anywhere to go, I decided to come home.

Since coming back, I have not stopped weeping. I don’t know how to go about bringing my son back home. Before I left, I tried talking my son into leaving this woman; he flared up and called me enemy of progress. He only managed to drop me at the airport. As I write, he hasn’t bothered calling or responding to all my calls or e-mails.

Two heads they say are better than one. Agatha, how do I go about freeing my son from her grips? I suspect she is using something on my son. She comes from Togo has lived in that country all her life.

If the woman stays too long in my son’s life, he would be completely useless for life. Please help me. He is 38 years of age.

Worried Mum.


Dear Worried Mum,

I feel your anxiety as a mother but this is one issue that needs utmost care to tackle. If he has lived with her for six years and is comfortable with their arrangement, it would be presumptuous of you to think he would listen to whatever reservations you have against the arrangement.

In the first instance, he hasn’t lived or seen you for 15 years. He left you when he was 23 years of age and now he is a man of 38 years old. He cut his adult teeth in his host country, living his life and defining it to adjust to the situation he finds himself in.

From all indices, you know next to nothing about the son you are meeting after 15 years of living apart. He is no longer the young man who left you and has obviously grown in his own person. To change that kind of person, you need time and wisdom.

Even though you didn’t like what you saw, you shouldn’t have said what you said to him and his woman. Whether you like it or not, that woman you asked him to leave is his wife. Irrespective of whatever power you think she is using, as at this moment, she represents his meal ticket in that country. For him to leave her, you must provide him with a better alternative to what he has now.

Furthermore, being an adult, you cannot live his life for him. If he is comfortable tending to the house and needs of his wife, you must learn to respect his wish at least until you are able to think of what your next step should be.

As it is now, you have only succeeded in alienating him from you as well as justifying whatever reservations his wife had against your coming to stay with them.

You may not think it right but your son doesn’t seem to mind whatever his wife is doing as long as he has a place to put his head and meal on his table. Contrary to what you think, the woman may not be using any charm at all on your son. The situation your son finds himself in that country could have changed him, his view of life as well as values so much so he is ready to look the other way as long as he is happy.

Rather than assume the woman is the cause, you should have found out from your son what his views are on what you observed about his wife. The fact that he could persuade his woman to allow you stay for the number of days you stayed shows that he isn’t under any kind of spell. If he were, you wouldn’t have been allowed into that house in the first place.

Sincerely, this is the time to show your son more love than you have showed him all the years. He doesn’t need you to criticise him or his choice for now. Though you have every reason to be apprehensive as his mother, pretend for now that it isn’t such a big deal. It is the only way you can really find out what the matter is with him. The fact that this woman can still attract other men should tell you that your son needs her more than she needs him. If she can afford to sleep with other men who pay her good money, then she can easily replace your son with any of these men. For them to be together means something deeper than what you see is involved.

Get close to your son by apologising for your comments if you hope to rescue him from whatever you think may be wrong with him. There is no way you can do it by being hostile to his wife. For now, she remains your only chance of regaining the confidence of your son. From your letter, there is nothing to indicate if he finished school or not. You must have information about him to know what kind of help to offer him.

If you haven’t sent her an email or called to thank her for allowing your stay when you came over, this is the time for you to do so.

Begin by apologising for the late phone call or mail. Thank her for her hospitality to you as well as her love for your son. Build on this by constantly sending her good will messages while ignoring your son completely.

There is no way she won’t communicate your mails to your son. By making her the focus of your attention would eventually make your son speak with you.

Resist, in the first few months, questions pertaining to his life or marriage. Restrict yourself to his welfare. By that time, you would have thought of alternative plans you have for him back in Nigeria.

Without making it obvious, begin to open his eyes to all the opportunities that are available in Nigeria. Keep up this tempo until he is interested in coming home.

Follow whatever you do with prayers. God is the only one who can help you free him or give him back his senses to be whom He designed him to be.

Frankly, the situation has gone beyond you fighting with anybody. Prayers and God’s wisdom are what you need to win this battle.

Good luck.

How do I know he’s good for me in marriage?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you answer questions. I want to know how to identify a good husband since someone is asking my hand in marriage. I don’t seem to like him.

But Agatha, I don’t know if am making a mistake rejecting him.

Ada.


Dear Ada,

Good wife or husband is the measure of care, responsibility, respect, selflessness, friendship, loyalty, understanding, patience, support and sensitivity put into making a relationship work.

But the most basic, the point of entry is the quality of feelings one has for the other. If this man loves you and has the idea that you would make a good wife for him and you don’t even have the slightest bit of feelings for him, there is no way both of you can be happy together.

Your feeling must be right, without it, there is no way you would have the patience and presence of mind to listen to what he has to say. Without you having the right feelings for him, you will never give him the kind of happiness, respect, and loyalty he deserves as a man.

This requirement is a must. Even if you know what you are looking for in a man, if you don’t feel anything special for him, nothing would work between the two of you.

Feelings don’t lie; the confusion comes in when we refuse to listen to the prompting of our hearts; when we want something very different from what our hearts insist on; when we fall in love with our heads rather than our hearts.

Unless you are not sure of your reasons, don’t even know what you want from life, confused about what your idea of an ideal man for you is, don’t have a change of mind because to do that would be to sentence you and this man to years of undeserved unhappiness. Best you disappoint him now than after you have exchanged vows.

A good husband is the one who puts the interest of his wife before his own, who is conscious of his responsibility to her and the children; who would never compromise the happiness of his home and who spends quality time at home irrespective of how busy his official responsibilities are.

He is the kind of man who has the maturity to overlook the tantrum of his wife especially at that time of the month when she is so irritated at everything; is able to manage her at times, able to walk away from a potentially combustible situation at home without giving in to his urge to use his fists to shut the woman up.

He is also a considerate lover, friend, cheerleader, head of the home as well as a team player who is ready to give every encouragement to his wife to grow.

He is also that kind of man who knows how to lead without the use of intimidating devices; the kind who has mastered the use of his presence, looks and silence to communicate his displeasure at certain things in the home rather than words.

Finally, he becomes one who takes pride in the presence and person of his wife no matter her conditions.

You may have to look critically at your reasons to know if you are making a mistake rejecting him or not. Is your reason based on material considerations or is natural? To be sure you are on the right path; you have to be honest with yourself. Would you still feel this way if he is absolutely rich and able to buy anything you want for you? Is your reason based on his physical appearance, his environment or for the simple reason you don’t feel anything romantic for him at all even if he happens to be the most handsome or richest man on earth?

How much does he differ from your dream man? Are you one of those young ladies who base their choice on the romance books definition of an ideal man?

In the real world such things don’t exist. Your ideal comes from a sincere assessment of what life has to offer. You miss the target of what the real world offers by sticking to unrealistic goals. By applying patience and tolerance, you come very close to what works for you. Don’t judge any man by his first appearance if truly you are interested in meeting your ideal man. Take time out, irrespective of what he looks like, to get to know any man who comes your way.

Accepting a date from a man isn’t the same thing as agreeing to his proposal. The essence of the date is simply to enable you study him at close quarters. Sometimes our ideal person may come from the person’s sense of humour, deep sense of responsibility, intelligence, sensitivity and a whole lot of other attributes not related with the person’s looks or position.

Unless we are willing to give that person a chance to be close, we may never know what we want from an ideal person. This is why many marriages are failing.

Keep your options open until you are absolutely certain of what actually makes you happy.

Good luck.

Church deceived me to marry divorcee with four kids

Marriage Clinic With Auntie Agatha; gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel.08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a widower with three children. The first and second are in their second and third year in the university while the last is in boarding school in one of the unity schools in Ogun State.

Out of loneliness I decided to remarry. I confided in my church elders who all said it was a wise move.

Before telling them of my intention, I was already involved with a woman I still love very much and who my children also love. She has two children from her previous marriage. But since I wanted to please the church hierarchy, I ended the relationship and accepted to date the lady one of the elders introduced to me.

According to the church, my former girlfriend is not qualified because she is a divorcee and she isn’t a member of our church.

Although I really don’t love this second woman as much as my former girlfriend, I went ahead with the wedding plans.

Three weeks after the wedding, you can imagine my pains and shock when I discovered that she isn’t only a divorcee but also a mother of four children. Incidentally, one of the children she once introduced to me as her niece - a claim the elder who introduced her to me corroborated then – turned out to be her daughter.

When I confronted the leadership of the church with what I discovered, I was really surprised they all knew about her history. According to them, they said, they thought I knew about her children and status.

When I asked why I wasn’t allowed to marry the woman I really loved, they said it was because she wasn’t a member of our church. They said the husband of the woman they forced on me treated her badly and that since they know I am a gentleman and comfortable enough to help her with her children, they acted in the best interest of the woman, her children and me.

Agatha, it isn’t the fact that she has children or a divorcee but the conspiracy of the people I trusted the most. I have since vacated the house temporarily for her because I can’t stand her and everything she represents.

What is bothering me now is the insistence of the church that I cannot divorce her. The pastors and the elders are insisting we stay married.

Agatha, I am really in need of someone to talk to. I want my former woman back. I have made up my mind never to take this woman back but the pressures are too much for me to handle on my own.

These days, I curse the day my wife died. I am losing weight and focus. My business is suffering and my children are alarmed. I just need an understanding shoulder to lean on. Because the church is involved, not many people want to openly identify with me. It is all so crazy because it is a church my family has attended all their lives, not even my relations are willing to come out in the open with their support.

Privately, they insist I should not take her back but in the open they say something else.

Please help me.

MB.

Dear MB,

The most important thing now is for you to take a complete break from everything to avert the greater danger of you making another costly mistake.

If it is possible, go for a holiday in a secluded place where you can think and have a conversation with God. The issue has become too complex and messy for you to handle without the help of God and time. Besides, you need to get away from everyone else because of the cacophony of views that are now coming your way. If you don’t move away urgently from everyone and everything, you could risk having a psychological break down.

At this point, you must think only of the consequences that any emotional or health breakdown would have on your children. They are the only stabilising force you have now. For their sakes, you have to get this thing behind you fast because they are the ones who would suffer the most should anything happen to you.

By the time you come back from your holidays, you would be stronger emotionally to confront the situation than you would now. Currently, you are hurting, feeling betrayed by those you trusted, neglected by your family, all making you feel helpless at the death of your wife. Chances are if you dwell too long on this particular point, you might never experience joy in life and matrimony.

Unless you have the leading of God or feel something special for this woman, don’t allow anybody blackmail or intimidate you into continuing with her. The foundation of this marriage is defective and based on lies. Before God and man, you don’t have any obligations to continuing with it.

The leadership of the church has been compromised in this matter making incompetent to insist on anything concerning that marriage. As long as you were deceived into marrying her, they don’t have the right to force you to continue with the clandestine arrangement.

The choice of whether to continue with the marriage or not should come from you. As things are now, you don’t owe anyone except your children any explanations for your decision. It has gone past that stage. Stay with this woman only if you think she has all it takes to make you happy but if you don’t think so and unable to move beyond this point with her, don’t pretend about it.

At this stage in your life, having lost a wife to death, you need more than a woman to make you happy. You need one who is a friend, truthful, loyal and honest as well as a mother to your children to help you carry on. You don’t need a woman who is manipulative because it would affect the happiness of your children later down the road.

A woman who can collude with others to lie about her marital status and her children isn’t exactly one you can trust with the future of your children or your happiness for that matter.

As a widower with children, your interest in women must go beyond your own feelings as a man, it must in a way submit to the now and future needs of your children whose mother isn’t around to give protection to them.

Unlike a man who is divorced from his wife, you just cannot afford to tangle with any woman. You are the only parent your children have left.

Nobody or church can live your life. To play your role effectively in the church and to the society, you must be happy as a man. This for now should be your motivation; it is the key to your own happiness.

Once you are able to clear the cloud of your present situation, you will once again find happiness and the will to live. Just learn to put your trust more in God and not man. God remains the only one who cannot fail. Read and understand the words of God on your own. This way, you will not be deceived by strange doctrines or the interpretations of men.

If you feel like talking to me, don’t hesitate to call. God is your strength.

Good luck.




Re: My housemaid is pregnant for my hubby




Dear Timileyin,

You just used the excuse of your ‘high-flying’ job in the bank to write a modern day James .H. Chase novel. And the tragedy is that you are still adamant to write a horrific sequel to an already on-going sad ending. Whatever informed your mindset that your husband was going to wait for you forever to cook his biological and emotional food?

While you were busy romancing your so-called bank manager position, your African husband was equally kept busy in the ‘departments’ you thought were irrelevant to your present status.

You can’t eat your cake and still have it. Whether you like it or not, your housemaid is now a bona-fide wife with a 5-month pregnancy to the bargain; mind you the baby is legal and any move to abort same could lead to a Police case. Your hubby is not even ready to listen to your idea of illicit-harvesting of the baby. This is pure ‘Wahala-in-Form-Six’ because your own parents are silent on you.

Your only way out? Win your hubby back by allowing this baby to stay and begin to keep him busy sexually. Please make sure you prepare African dishes for him yourself and be there always to massage his ego positively. Also involve your Pastor to pray for your family. Follow Agatha’s advice completely, and your hubby can be yours again. You have lost the war, not the battle.

I hope all other African wives are listening; this can happen to anybody. The time to act is now!

I’m not bold enough to woo girl…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column and I really like the way you help people. Now I need your help, please. I am a young guy of 19 years of age. I have the problem of lack of self-confidence, especially when it comes to wooing a girl. I can talk to girls, especially girls I don’t have much interest in, but when it comes to meeting a girl I really like, I wouldn’t know how to woo her. It’s really becoming a big problem for me. Please help me.

Worried Boy.


Dear Worried Boy,

When talking to your female friends, you are not tensed or anxious to make an impression. You are able to act normally, not minding your mistakes because you don’t have anything at stake at all with these women.

On the other hand your desire to impress and gain the acceptance of any woman you are interested in makes it difficult for you to relax in her company.

When next you meet any woman you are interested in relax and pretend you are talking to a friend. Refuse to be intimidated by the prospect of her denying you or laughing at your mistakes. The fact of life is no man is an Island. We all learn through our mistakes and if you don’t make a mistake along life’s many bumpy turns, there is no way you would be able to gather the needed experiences to help others in their times of need.

Any woman you are trying too much to impress isn’t worth it. Chances are she would leave at the end of the day when she discovers that all you did to get her were done just for the purpose of impressing her.

At 19 you are very young and full of ideas on how to impress a woman. Usually things don’t work that way. Always have it at the back of your mind when seeking friendship from any woman that you aren’t doing something new. From time immemorial men have performed the same ritual. There is no big deal approaching a woman for a relationship. It is a simple case of either turning you down or accepting. If she says no to you, it is because you both aren’t designed to have a relationship and not due to any inadequacy you suffer as a man.

The cold fact of life is not every woman a man approaches for a relationship would agrees to it. Women have different reasons for turning a man down. From the reasonable to the most ridiculous: a woman would always give a reason to back up her decision to accept or to reject. That one woman turned you down doesn’t mean another woman won’t jump at the opportunity of being your date. Dating is a matter of personal choice.

When next you meet a young lady you are interested in don’t make the general mistake most men make by telling her you love her. Reasonable women find such a declaration insulting and equally portray the man as a liar. You cannot fall in love with a face; love is a more serious matter of knowing the character and person behind the face.

Stick to the truth of telling her that you find her person attractive and would appreciate if she becomes your friend. This tells her you are serious minded, honest and not after her body. It also tells her you are interested in her person and mind.

Being friends offers you the opportunity of really getting close to her, knowing who she is as well as the other side of her that is not visible from observing her facial expressions.

Life is about confidence building. If you don’t have it, nobody can give it to you. As a man, don’t ever allow any situation or woman to erode your beliefs in yourself, no matter the situation. Approaching a woman isn’t a do or die affair. There would always be moments of loss and gain.

Don’t worry as you grow older you will discover this basic fact. What you are experiencing goes with your age.

Good luck.

He forfeits my photos when I called it quit…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
I was in a relationship with a boy currently 20 years of age. I am 18 and we are both in the same school and class. We are both in class three of Senior Secondary School (SSS) although in different arms.

We became close when we went for a seminar organised by the school. We exchanged numbers. He called one night to ask what I was wearing, the question was very irritating to me and I ended up terminating the call.

Some days later, my very close friend called me to give me a message from her pastor, someone I don’t know and who doesn’t know me either.

Following this message, I told him I wasn’t interested anymore in the relationship and gave him reasons I was taking the decision. He refused saying he is different from other boys I know. I have deleted everything about him from my phone but he has refused to give me back my photograph as well as forget me.

I am really scared and confused because tomorrow is very pregnant.

Stacia.


Dear Stacia,

Indeed your tomorrow is very pregnant and what it brings forth is how much seriousness you invest into it today. If you neglect the important things in life for the frivolous, that tomorrow will surely bring up a package you will be ashamed of, but if you take time out to properly cultivate and water it will the right nutrients, you will have a lot to be happy for.

The life of a woman is very delicate and can easily snap whereas that of the man is timeless. A man of 90 can still begin life afresh as long as he has air in him whereas that of the woman begins to wean at half of this age. He can become a father to as many children as he wants in a day, whereas at that age the woman is already too wrinkled to think of the warmth of her man. Therefore a woman has a short time to be serious and focused if she hopes to have a stress free life.

Your concern should be how to pass your Senior Secondary School Leaving Certificate Examinations not worrying over a boy. You at a very delicate stage in your life, one you need every concentration to overcome with ease and flying colours.

You don’t need a pastor’s warning to know you have to be careful. Apart from being at the most important stage in your educational pursuit, you are also at the most fragile stage in your life. Any mistake you make now will have far reaching impact on your life. You are in a stage where you can either make or mar your entire future so be careful what you market as being most important to you.

If you give the impression that boys are what you want the most now, they would come in large numbers. If this boy isn’t ready to let go of you, you let him go. Stop picking his calls if necessary since he isn’t ready to be just an ordinary friend in your life. If you persist in ignoring him and his calls, he would eventually get the message that you are no longer interested in him the way he is interested in you.

Holding on to the photography is his way of keeping you in his heart. Allow him the indulgence if it would do him any good. It is a stage in life for him. At stage, a lot of young boys and girls get their kicks from staring into the photographs of their friends. This stage would soon fade and he would either throw away the photograph or return it to you.

To insist he gives it to you when he obviously wants to hold on to is to give recognition he no longer has in your life as well as a value on something you can easily afford to ignore.

Your insistence on having that photograph back makes him think he still has powers to force you to do his will which is why he is refusing to give it back to you. He wants to use it as a weapon to negotiate with you or make you have a rethink about the relationship. But if you ignore him and that photograph, he will definitely have a rethink and give it to you without pressures.

By the time you are through with your secondary school and in the university, there will be a lot of young and responsible men to select from. If you fail to make your papers and he makes his, he would shift his attention to another lady who is academically more successful than you. It is the way life works. Success has a way of attracting more friends than failure.

Listen to the words of wisdom from the pastor it is coming because God has better plans for your future.

Good luck.