With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
What kinds of women is this nation producing these days? I grew up in a home where my mother took pride in caring for our home, cooking our meals and taking special care of our father. She also taught us all how to cook.
I thought it was going to be like that for me when I married my wife three years ago.
Since marrying my wife, I haven’t had a decent meal in my house. She takes to buying me prepared meals from restaurants or frozen soups prepared and sold by department stores.
I have tried my best to make her change. It isn’t working for me. I went as far as paying someone to come to the house to teach her how to cook, but she is unwilling to be taught.
I am nearly my wits end and don’t know how to handle the matter anymore. My mother at one time offered to teach her, she declined on the grounds that she cannot cook the local meals my mother insists on teaching her. I have gone to her mother who says I should endure the situation.
The alternative is to employ a housemaid, but knowing the kind of temptations women present to me these days, I don’t want to tempt myself beyond what I can manage. Besides, of what use would my wife be in my house if I have to depend on another woman to cook my food under my roof?
I sincerely respect your wisdom and responses to challenging problems you daily tackle.
I would be very happy if you can help me. I don’t want a broken home but if pushed to the walls, I might as well take a walk and find myself a woman who knows how to care for her man.
Do help me Agatha.
Lekan.
Dear Lekan,
A lot of things have definitely changed from when you were a boy and now that you are a man. Women are getting better education and earning good salaries. The global economic situation makes it impossible for women not to work or engage in one form of business. This is because most men cannot afford to shoulder alone the responsibility of caring for their families.
All these added up to the thirst of the modern woman to be in charge of her life, by implications her finances, make it impossible for contemporary women to function in the mode of the old time wives.
This is the reason wives of these days are not functioning at full capacity in their duties at home.
But this is not to say that it is right for women to totally abdicate their duties as wives and mothers. Irrespective of a woman’s official responsibilities, she should make out time to make her impact felt at home.
A wife should ensure she creates time out of no time to cook for her husband and children. A lot of women have been able to manage their jobs with their homes successfully.
Therefore, the issue with your marriage isn’t that your wife is working but her attitude to life generally and marriage in particular. If she wasn’t brought up to appreciate the place of a woman in her home, her duties as wife, there is little you can do to make her change the attitude she is brought up with.
It isn’t just offering to teach her how to cook but changing her attitude towards the whole concept of marriage.
One thing is to ask her what her views are on my marriage. There is no way she can accept a change if her views run contrary to what you desire or think marriage is to you.
That you are both married doesn’t mean she totally agrees with your views on marriage or the generally held one. There has to be a marriage of what she believes and what is generally thought to be the reason we marry. If her views on marriage don’t include caring for her home, cooking or tending to the needs of her husband when he calls, nothing you tell such a woman would make sense to her.
Learning how to cook for you is the easiest part of the challenge confronting your marriage. The greatest task before you both is for her to define what marriage is to her. It would help you know where to come in how to achieve the results that would take your marriage to the next stage.
This is something you must do by yourself, without help from anybody. It also requires wisdom and patience. If you get angry, chances are you would drive her into her shell and make it impossible for her to confide her fears and hopes in you.
Patience is required on your side because what you are attempting to do is to get into an area of her life nobody has ever attempted to go into. It is what makes her who she is and the woman you married.
This is something she may not have discussed with another soul because it bothers on her most secretive side.
This is the root cause of your marital problems. In discussing this with her, be prepared for some surprises because it is often not easy to make swift changes in matters that are this deep rooted. You must first begin with small changes that would not completely scare her off the issue of marriage.
Also in most cases, expectations are wide apart from reality. During the dating period, certain things you may have allowed into the relationship as a man, are now obviously begin to matter to you. For instance, the issue of her inability to cook couldn’t have started after you got married. You must have known from the time you were dating and thought you could cope with it.
The fact that you didn’t complain then, took delight in helping entrench her thinking that you could depend on meals made by others, solidified her stance on marriage. Therefore if you want a total change from what you encouraged during your courtship days, you must be ready to be extremely tolerant as well as tactical in your bid to effect this change.
Also, you have to be ready to create time for both of you to do certain things together. For a woman who doesn’t know how to cook, encourage her while she is making any attempt by being her teacher especially as you can cook.
Chances are, the lessons she was too proud to learn from your mother and the person you employed to teach her, she would take from you.
See this as an opportunity for both of you to build your marriage, become friends, and discover new dimensions for your lives together as well as memorials for your children.
To encourage her to cook, on the day she would be at home, both of you should go to the market, buy foodstuff and soup ingredients to make your favourite.
Expose her to thrills of home made food as well as the fun that comes from combining all the ingredients into something delicious. By the time she sees you performing the magic and helping you with those little tasks, like bringing the palm oil, seasonings, spoons, water and what have you mothers send children to do while cooking, in no time she too would want to try her hand on it.
Because our needs and challenges are different, don’t allow any of your friends or associates discourage whatever attempts you deem fit to make this marriage work.
Some, out of mischief, may label you a hen pecked husband, ignore them because you know what you hope to achieve by doing this for your marriage.
The truth is that she isn’t to blame for her behaviour and attitude towards her marriage. She is only following the examples of the marriages she has been exposed to.
If she was taught how to cook, tend to the needs of her home and husband, there is no way she would completely depart from it. Her mother would have been able to talk some senses into her. Asking you to endure your wife’s behaviour shows that she cannot confront her daughter on her behaviour because there is nothing in her role as a mother to premise her argument on.
Because you have become each other’s responsibility and the happiness of your home your concern, the onus is now on you to help your wife come to the knowledge of what her roles in your life are.
There is a purpose for the training your mother gave you. God knew this day from yesterday hence His reason for making you go through your mother’s catering school.
Furthermore, learn to pray and commit your home to the influence of God. Even if you leave her and go for another woman, there is no telling what kind of challenge you would meet in that relationship.
For this reason, stick to your wife, there is no marriage without its cross. This is your cross; you must device a way to carry it with dignity and grace.
Good luck.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Won’t past abortions hinder her ability to be pregnant?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am always impressed by the motherly way you handled people’s emotional problems.
I really thank God on your behalf and pray for more wisdom. I need your help. At the age of 30 years I still have no solid relationship or a girl friend.
In my bid to get someone to share my life with I logged on to Africhat provided by one of the Telecoms in Nigeria. I met a lady from one of the South Eastern states of Nigeria.
While chatting one day, she told me she had been involved in two abortions in the past. In fairness to her, she has tried so much to make this relationship work. She is 26 years, while I am 31. My fear is that won’t this adventure of hers affect conceptions in the future? I am under pressure to settle down. She seems sincere to me but I am worried. I would appreciate your help.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
One thing you must first erase from your marriage agenda is the word pressure. Yes people have a right to urge you to marry, given your age and the time to nurture your own children to maturity, but you reserve the final say in your affairs.
Marriage is deeper and complicated than a lot of young persons contemplating it think. Without the right partner by one’s side, a journey meant to be fun could turn out to be one of absolute stress and regrets.
Pressure makes one desperate and desperation makes one prone to avoidable mistakes. Best to wait a little bit and marry someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life than marry someone you think would fit the bill.
As regards this lady, telling you she has gone through two abortions is her way of clearing her past of any cobweb and skeleton that might destroy the relationship you are both trying to build. The fact that she volunteered the information shows a certain degree of willingness on her part to be truthful about herself. Sincerely, not every woman would do this.
Don’t therefore hold it against her for being honest enough to tell the truth concerning her past. Telling you was a risk she willingly took for the sake of the future you are both planning to have together.
If the evacuations were properly done by trained and experienced doctors there is nothing stopping her from having children in future. The problem occurs when women entrust their bodies to quacks or inexperienced doctors.
Besides, abortion isn’t the sole cause of the infertility in women. Sometimes the fault may come from the man. Statistics show that almost 50 percent of infertility issues in marriages come from men. The fact that a man experiences erection and able to be intimate with his woman doesn’t make him healthy enough to impregnate a woman. A lot of men have sperm quality that isn’t enough to power reproduction in their wives.
If you want to go with this woman, learn to trust her. She has told you about herself. There is nobody without a past. The fact that you haven’t been able to attract a stable relationship at 30 would be a source of concern to another woman. A lot of women would wonder if you are normal not to have had a workable relationship at your age.
The complexity of life is such that every step we take can be given millions of interpretations, hence always best to ignore things we can ignore and to avoid as much as possible judging the deficiency of others around us.
Wisdom demands that you don’t search too deeply into the cupboard of her past, to avoid a greater skeleton being discovered in your cupboard of time. What should matter to you now is the point at which you met her.
Given the choice to do what she did in the past or you for that matter, chances are that none of you would willingly make such a mistake again.
Beyond what you already know about her, there is the need for you both to arrange a meeting. Nothing compares to eye contact when it comes to the choice of who to spend the rest of one’s life with.
You have to make the effort of giving yourselves the chance of getting to know what each of you look like, want from life as well as your attitudes towards those little things that appear very unimportant now. These seemingly unimportant things are the reasons most marriages are today hitting the rock. Something as minute as not having the right attitude towards hygiene has been known to damage a marriage beyond repairs.
In addition you must learn to become good friends first before you can talk of marriage.
At this point, give both of you a chance to grow this relationship by having an opened mind as well as the right attitude towards life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am always impressed by the motherly way you handled people’s emotional problems.
I really thank God on your behalf and pray for more wisdom. I need your help. At the age of 30 years I still have no solid relationship or a girl friend.
In my bid to get someone to share my life with I logged on to Africhat provided by one of the Telecoms in Nigeria. I met a lady from one of the South Eastern states of Nigeria.
While chatting one day, she told me she had been involved in two abortions in the past. In fairness to her, she has tried so much to make this relationship work. She is 26 years, while I am 31. My fear is that won’t this adventure of hers affect conceptions in the future? I am under pressure to settle down. She seems sincere to me but I am worried. I would appreciate your help.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
One thing you must first erase from your marriage agenda is the word pressure. Yes people have a right to urge you to marry, given your age and the time to nurture your own children to maturity, but you reserve the final say in your affairs.
Marriage is deeper and complicated than a lot of young persons contemplating it think. Without the right partner by one’s side, a journey meant to be fun could turn out to be one of absolute stress and regrets.
Pressure makes one desperate and desperation makes one prone to avoidable mistakes. Best to wait a little bit and marry someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life than marry someone you think would fit the bill.
As regards this lady, telling you she has gone through two abortions is her way of clearing her past of any cobweb and skeleton that might destroy the relationship you are both trying to build. The fact that she volunteered the information shows a certain degree of willingness on her part to be truthful about herself. Sincerely, not every woman would do this.
Don’t therefore hold it against her for being honest enough to tell the truth concerning her past. Telling you was a risk she willingly took for the sake of the future you are both planning to have together.
If the evacuations were properly done by trained and experienced doctors there is nothing stopping her from having children in future. The problem occurs when women entrust their bodies to quacks or inexperienced doctors.
Besides, abortion isn’t the sole cause of the infertility in women. Sometimes the fault may come from the man. Statistics show that almost 50 percent of infertility issues in marriages come from men. The fact that a man experiences erection and able to be intimate with his woman doesn’t make him healthy enough to impregnate a woman. A lot of men have sperm quality that isn’t enough to power reproduction in their wives.
If you want to go with this woman, learn to trust her. She has told you about herself. There is nobody without a past. The fact that you haven’t been able to attract a stable relationship at 30 would be a source of concern to another woman. A lot of women would wonder if you are normal not to have had a workable relationship at your age.
The complexity of life is such that every step we take can be given millions of interpretations, hence always best to ignore things we can ignore and to avoid as much as possible judging the deficiency of others around us.
Wisdom demands that you don’t search too deeply into the cupboard of her past, to avoid a greater skeleton being discovered in your cupboard of time. What should matter to you now is the point at which you met her.
Given the choice to do what she did in the past or you for that matter, chances are that none of you would willingly make such a mistake again.
Beyond what you already know about her, there is the need for you both to arrange a meeting. Nothing compares to eye contact when it comes to the choice of who to spend the rest of one’s life with.
You have to make the effort of giving yourselves the chance of getting to know what each of you look like, want from life as well as your attitudes towards those little things that appear very unimportant now. These seemingly unimportant things are the reasons most marriages are today hitting the rock. Something as minute as not having the right attitude towards hygiene has been known to damage a marriage beyond repairs.
In addition you must learn to become good friends first before you can talk of marriage.
At this point, give both of you a chance to grow this relationship by having an opened mind as well as the right attitude towards life.
Good luck.
My housemaid is pregnant for my hubby
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My husband is bent on marrying our housemaid and I am not finding the situation funny since he is making a public show of it; besides the lady in question is already five months pregnant.
I only got to know recently because I come home late from workand leave early. The most worrisome thing is the unrepentant attitude of my husband who blames me for this shameful act of his.
He says if the housemaid is good enough to look after his home, care for my child, wash his clothes, cook his food then she is good enough to be his wife.
I find this argument irritating and of no help to our situation because he knows the nature of my job. I happen to be a branch manager of a bank. The dictates of my job leaves me with little time for my family; the reason I employed the housemaid to fill the void my absence creates in my home.
I decided to pick the bills of this lady myself so where have I gone wrong? The excuse that I am not always around doesn’t hold water with me because right from the beginning, he knew cooking wasn’t something I enjoy doing.
I am ready to forgive him but he is making it almost impossible for me by refusing my suggestion that the pregnancy be terminated so she can go her way. I can afford to pay her off to stay away from my husband and home.
I am really confused as to how to handle this issue as I cannot afford to share my husband with another woman let alone my paid help.
Although his family isn’t saying anything on the matter but I sense approval somewhere going by the utterances of his mother who blames me for not always being around.
I didn’t expect my husband who is a top lawyer to descend to the level of sleeping with a paid help or to have the time for that matter.
I wonder what kind of marriage he hopes to have with a lady who only managed to pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examination.
Nothing much is coming from my parents too. Except for my immediate junior sister, I am almost on my own on this issue.
I am not too afraid of this ever happening because as a lawyer he knows the implication of marrying another wife since we got married in both the church and registry. I am prepared to go into legal tussle with him but how do I get this lady and my husband to agree to terminate this pregnancy?
Despite what has happened, I love my husband and want to keep my marriage. Besides, my son needs his father’s presence. I cannot imagine being unmarried.
Please help me find a solution because I lack the idea of how to go about it.
Timileyin.
Dear Timileyin,
You are arrogant! This attitude won’t help you regain your home and husband. If you are desperate to make your marriage work, please come down from your high horse and get real. The issue at hand has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable.
There is no way your husband or this girl would agree to the termination of a five months old pregnancy. If they agree to it, would it stop the two of them from meeting outside your home and continuing with their relationship or stop him from marrying her under native laws and customs? You can only sue if he marries under the common law but if he decides to do it under native laws and customs, there is nothing you can do about it.
Being a lawyer, he understands and knows the law better than you do so the possibility of you defeating him in court is very slim. Chances are he would have taken all the areas of the law into consideration before insisting the lady keeps the pregnancy.
Sincerely, you cannot afford to be confrontational because you are the cause of everything happening in your home. Had you devoted time to your family, cared for your husband, made out time to learn how to cook as well as prepare his meals on the weekend that you are at home, he won’t have any reason to look elsewhere. The fact that you didn’t notice that your paid help was pregnant until the pregnancy clocked five months speaks volume of the time you spend at home as well as the quality of attention you give to the people you live with.
If you were more attentive to your home, you would have long discovered that this lady is in the family way before this pregnancy got to this advanced stage.
Honestly, you are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. Men are like children. They only appreciate the hands that feed and care for them. What do you expect from a man you have neglected for your job? Whatever his educational background may be, he has feelings and is turned on by the simple things that make a man happy. Sexual feelings and urges are primitive so also are the basic things that make men happy. If the educated woman he married is not available, neglects his needs and prefers her official responsibilities to that she owes her family, is he to blame for wanting something different?
You gave your meal to the cat. The reason men marry is to have a woman to care for their needs as men. Not every man wants a show piece for a wife; most men want real women, the ones who can cook and care for their homes. This is the primary responsibility of any woman going into matrimony. If the house maid is good enough to care for your husband and child, care for your home, cook his meals as well as prepare his bed, then she is as well good enough to sleep on the bed she made.
If you were around, there is no way your man would have had all the time in the world to sleep and get your house maid pregnant without you noticing the closeness and acting fast to avert this kind of mess. The fact that an educated man like your husband is determined to allow her keep the pregnancy and marry her should warn you of the futility of you insisting on what you want.
You need humility to negotiate yourself back to relevance into the heart of this man. If your own parents appear not to be on your side, then you must have overdone it.
First, you need to mellow down on your insistence that the pregnancy be induced. This is one pregnancy you have to accept and deal with. The only way to deal with it is to offer this lady all the support to give birth safely. It is only after then that you can negotiate with your husband where the baby stays. Frankly, the best thing to do is to offer to be a mother to this child; take on the responsibility of caring and looking after this child.
But before then, you must decide which is more important to you. Your job or home! While no one is asking you to be a full time housewife, you must think of a job or business that would give you the time to be a mother and wife in every sense of it. You have to make yourself relevant and very available in his life and home to neutralise whatever advantage this other lady has over you.
Making such offer to your husband would show your seriousness at making this marriage work. Your efforts to make amends at this critical time would determine if he would become sorry or not.
It is tough but you must be prepared to suffer further humiliation by being stupidly humble in the process of getting your husband from the arms of this woman you unwittingly pushed him into.
Own up to your own mistakes in your attempts to work something out with him. This is not time for you to blame him for this mess. You have to soften him first before blaming him for his weakness as a man.
Anger and trading blame won’t help you now. To do that would be to kiss away your marriage and home. There is no marriage without challenges but the wisdom and determination of the woman in the house often than not ascertain where the marriage would eventually berth. You must find out apart from the obvious ones the other things that you are doing wrong to have made your husband look elsewhere. You only found out because the woman in question is your house-help. Had he decided to do it far from home, you wouldn’t have known until the situation got really out of hands.
For the sake of the love you have for your home, be prepared to do whatever you have to do to make this marriage work for you including praying for the mindset to put the important things on the front burner.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
My husband is bent on marrying our housemaid and I am not finding the situation funny since he is making a public show of it; besides the lady in question is already five months pregnant.
I only got to know recently because I come home late from workand leave early. The most worrisome thing is the unrepentant attitude of my husband who blames me for this shameful act of his.
He says if the housemaid is good enough to look after his home, care for my child, wash his clothes, cook his food then she is good enough to be his wife.
I find this argument irritating and of no help to our situation because he knows the nature of my job. I happen to be a branch manager of a bank. The dictates of my job leaves me with little time for my family; the reason I employed the housemaid to fill the void my absence creates in my home.
I decided to pick the bills of this lady myself so where have I gone wrong? The excuse that I am not always around doesn’t hold water with me because right from the beginning, he knew cooking wasn’t something I enjoy doing.
I am ready to forgive him but he is making it almost impossible for me by refusing my suggestion that the pregnancy be terminated so she can go her way. I can afford to pay her off to stay away from my husband and home.
I am really confused as to how to handle this issue as I cannot afford to share my husband with another woman let alone my paid help.
Although his family isn’t saying anything on the matter but I sense approval somewhere going by the utterances of his mother who blames me for not always being around.
I didn’t expect my husband who is a top lawyer to descend to the level of sleeping with a paid help or to have the time for that matter.
I wonder what kind of marriage he hopes to have with a lady who only managed to pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examination.
Nothing much is coming from my parents too. Except for my immediate junior sister, I am almost on my own on this issue.
I am not too afraid of this ever happening because as a lawyer he knows the implication of marrying another wife since we got married in both the church and registry. I am prepared to go into legal tussle with him but how do I get this lady and my husband to agree to terminate this pregnancy?
Despite what has happened, I love my husband and want to keep my marriage. Besides, my son needs his father’s presence. I cannot imagine being unmarried.
Please help me find a solution because I lack the idea of how to go about it.
Timileyin.
Dear Timileyin,
You are arrogant! This attitude won’t help you regain your home and husband. If you are desperate to make your marriage work, please come down from your high horse and get real. The issue at hand has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable.
There is no way your husband or this girl would agree to the termination of a five months old pregnancy. If they agree to it, would it stop the two of them from meeting outside your home and continuing with their relationship or stop him from marrying her under native laws and customs? You can only sue if he marries under the common law but if he decides to do it under native laws and customs, there is nothing you can do about it.
Being a lawyer, he understands and knows the law better than you do so the possibility of you defeating him in court is very slim. Chances are he would have taken all the areas of the law into consideration before insisting the lady keeps the pregnancy.
Sincerely, you cannot afford to be confrontational because you are the cause of everything happening in your home. Had you devoted time to your family, cared for your husband, made out time to learn how to cook as well as prepare his meals on the weekend that you are at home, he won’t have any reason to look elsewhere. The fact that you didn’t notice that your paid help was pregnant until the pregnancy clocked five months speaks volume of the time you spend at home as well as the quality of attention you give to the people you live with.
If you were more attentive to your home, you would have long discovered that this lady is in the family way before this pregnancy got to this advanced stage.
Honestly, you are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. Men are like children. They only appreciate the hands that feed and care for them. What do you expect from a man you have neglected for your job? Whatever his educational background may be, he has feelings and is turned on by the simple things that make a man happy. Sexual feelings and urges are primitive so also are the basic things that make men happy. If the educated woman he married is not available, neglects his needs and prefers her official responsibilities to that she owes her family, is he to blame for wanting something different?
You gave your meal to the cat. The reason men marry is to have a woman to care for their needs as men. Not every man wants a show piece for a wife; most men want real women, the ones who can cook and care for their homes. This is the primary responsibility of any woman going into matrimony. If the house maid is good enough to care for your husband and child, care for your home, cook his meals as well as prepare his bed, then she is as well good enough to sleep on the bed she made.
If you were around, there is no way your man would have had all the time in the world to sleep and get your house maid pregnant without you noticing the closeness and acting fast to avert this kind of mess. The fact that an educated man like your husband is determined to allow her keep the pregnancy and marry her should warn you of the futility of you insisting on what you want.
You need humility to negotiate yourself back to relevance into the heart of this man. If your own parents appear not to be on your side, then you must have overdone it.
First, you need to mellow down on your insistence that the pregnancy be induced. This is one pregnancy you have to accept and deal with. The only way to deal with it is to offer this lady all the support to give birth safely. It is only after then that you can negotiate with your husband where the baby stays. Frankly, the best thing to do is to offer to be a mother to this child; take on the responsibility of caring and looking after this child.
But before then, you must decide which is more important to you. Your job or home! While no one is asking you to be a full time housewife, you must think of a job or business that would give you the time to be a mother and wife in every sense of it. You have to make yourself relevant and very available in his life and home to neutralise whatever advantage this other lady has over you.
Making such offer to your husband would show your seriousness at making this marriage work. Your efforts to make amends at this critical time would determine if he would become sorry or not.
It is tough but you must be prepared to suffer further humiliation by being stupidly humble in the process of getting your husband from the arms of this woman you unwittingly pushed him into.
Own up to your own mistakes in your attempts to work something out with him. This is not time for you to blame him for this mess. You have to soften him first before blaming him for his weakness as a man.
Anger and trading blame won’t help you now. To do that would be to kiss away your marriage and home. There is no marriage without challenges but the wisdom and determination of the woman in the house often than not ascertain where the marriage would eventually berth. You must find out apart from the obvious ones the other things that you are doing wrong to have made your husband look elsewhere. You only found out because the woman in question is your house-help. Had he decided to do it far from home, you wouldn’t have known until the situation got really out of hands.
For the sake of the love you have for your home, be prepared to do whatever you have to do to make this marriage work for you including praying for the mindset to put the important things on the front burner.
Good luck
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Our parents can’t live in harmony, we in disarray too
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com ,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I should start by thanking you for the various ways you help people deal with their burning issues.
I am 25 years old, married and from a polygamous family. There is this issue concerning my parents that bothers so much. It has to do with how they have failed to achieve a happy home as well as their inability to put behind them, their old ways.
They have been married for 35 years now. My daddy has four wives and my mother is the last. My mother is the only one who lives with him presently. They are practically intolerable of each other and flare up at the slightest provocation.
The love between my parents has drastically reduced to the extent that they hardly communicate with each other. My father does not care what becomes of my mother, any of my siblings or even me. He tells anybody who cares to listen that he won’t ever come to us for anything even if he is penniless.
In fairness to him, he invested so much in us all, giving us the chance to be whom we are today by sponsoring us to one of the developed countries in the world. By the way, he makes so much noise about this, announcing this to all and sundry. He is also in the habit of telling people what is happening to us in our private lives.
Being the only one among my mother’s children who showed interest in acquiring formal education, it has been reduced to nothing by the irritable attitude of my parents. I am suffering psychologically so much so my grades in the programme I am doing is falling.
My father is a disciplinarian and my mother easily provoked. This attitude of theirs has affected our family dynamics, my education and the general well being of my siblings.
Like I said, my grades have dropped badly, and I have been kicked out of my programme because I failed a course twice. Now I am really sad, and don’t really know if it’s worth informing them. I love them both and I wish they could love each other once again, put all the ugly old ways behind them and exhibit exemplary deeds. I am really sad and confused about the way forward. Kindly advise me on what to do next.
Worried Son.
Dear Worried Son,
If you are married as you claim, why not focus more on making your marriage work rather than bother yourself with the choice your parents made? Your concern should be more on how to avoid the mistake of your father.
If your mother is his fourth wife, your worries should be how not to acquire wives like your father. Something must be wrong for him to keep changing his wives.
Worrying over how to make things work for them is rather too late in the day. The moment your mother decided to be fourth wife to your father, she gave up her sole right in reforming this man. Whatever she does would be neutralised by the women before her who think they have more rights over this man than she has.
She may be the only one currently living with him, but the truth is, she is living with the presence, interests, antics, bitterness, disappointments, and intrigues of all the other wives. There is no way they would leave the management of your father and his affairs to your mother.
It is unfortunate that you and your siblings are the ones suffering the consequences but the truth is that your mother has to make the choice of what is most important to her at this critical point. The interest and well being of her children or trying to keep a home that was never hers from the moment she made the decision to marry your father.
Besides, by now she should have mastered the technique of avoiding problems with her man. Having stayed with him for 35 years, she by now know your father like a book, knowing his moods, weaknesses, strengths and his good side.
She should also by now have integrated herself to him, making sure she finds the key to unlock some of his irritating habits and making the place comfortable for her children.
The fact that they are still finding it difficult to find their rhythm shows they are both not doing enough to make each other happy. Like I said before, it would be almost impossible to achieve a harmonious home considering the disadvantage that followed your mother into the marriage.
At this point, encourage her to be closer to God for the sake of herself and her children. Being the last set of children, you and your siblings would need more than your efforts to make it in life.
Your peace and happiness would come from the efforts your mother is ready to make on bent knees praying to God. She also has to make the effort to control her temper to ensure her children do not suffer unnecessarily. If your father has done his bit of helping you all find the right footing in life, the rest is her battle to fight.
If your grades are falling, it is because at 25, you haven’t learnt to distant yourself from what is happening around you. It is also statement of how immature you still are, something you should really work on if your own marriage is to avoid following the pattern of your father’s.
One thing is the strength of character to withstand the storm of life. You don’t have any reason at your age to suffer from psychological problem because of your parents’ marriage. And to blame it on your inability to make good grades is only an excuse to dodge the obvious.
What are you really afraid of? This is a question you must carefully consider before answering. If the truth must be told, it is more than what you are saying. It is more to do with your own inadequacies as a man, your own limitations as a husband as well as your own failures as a son to help your parents realise that marriage is more than the two of them.
If you are really worried about their marriage, don’t limit your efforts to your immediate siblings alone. Enlist the help and support of every child that comes from your father’s loin.
Without a concerted efforts by you all to repair the foundation of your lives, by bringing together all the children of your father, nothing much can be achieved. Every interested party must be heard, canvassed and settled together before any of you can drum up support for progress for anyone in the family. A fragmented family can never stand. This should be your starting point in finding solution to your parents’ troubled marriage.
The outcome of this meeting would determine how much success you later achieve in bringing about peace between your mother and father. If your father has never attempted to reconcile his children and wives, it would be too much to expect him to reconcile with your mother and her children.
If he has always been harsh on his other women and children, there is no way he can change from what he has always been to something you and your siblings want.
Your mother’s happiness can never happen in a vacuum. All hands have to be on deck to ensure it is not achieved at the expense of any member of the family.
There is also the need for you to privately call your mother for discussion. If she is to achieve peace in her home, she has to learn to give respect to her man, recognise that being the only one living with him, gives her the added burden of being mother to all the other children by ensuring they have unhindered access to their father.
She should act as the bridge that would bring peace between those before her and your father.
Whatever happened between her and the other women at the time of her marriage to your father should be left in the past if she truly desires happiness and progress for her children.
Where she has to offer apologies or forgive completely, she shouldn’t hesitate at all. The beauty of life is in our ability to rise above our limitations.
The best thing you can do for yourself and wife is to learn from these experiences. Multiple marriages don’t solve the issue of inadequacies noticed in our partners; rather they only complicate issues. There is no problem patience and selflessness cannot solve in any relationship no matter how difficult it may appear at first.
Once we have the determination it eventually works out.
Ironically, the patience your father or mother didn’t have in their younger days is what they must have now to enjoy the benefits of old age if they hope to enjoy the fruits of being parents. Only a happy child thinks of providing the parents with comfort in their old age. At that meeting, ensure you emphasis this point.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I should start by thanking you for the various ways you help people deal with their burning issues.
I am 25 years old, married and from a polygamous family. There is this issue concerning my parents that bothers so much. It has to do with how they have failed to achieve a happy home as well as their inability to put behind them, their old ways.
They have been married for 35 years now. My daddy has four wives and my mother is the last. My mother is the only one who lives with him presently. They are practically intolerable of each other and flare up at the slightest provocation.
The love between my parents has drastically reduced to the extent that they hardly communicate with each other. My father does not care what becomes of my mother, any of my siblings or even me. He tells anybody who cares to listen that he won’t ever come to us for anything even if he is penniless.
In fairness to him, he invested so much in us all, giving us the chance to be whom we are today by sponsoring us to one of the developed countries in the world. By the way, he makes so much noise about this, announcing this to all and sundry. He is also in the habit of telling people what is happening to us in our private lives.
Being the only one among my mother’s children who showed interest in acquiring formal education, it has been reduced to nothing by the irritable attitude of my parents. I am suffering psychologically so much so my grades in the programme I am doing is falling.
My father is a disciplinarian and my mother easily provoked. This attitude of theirs has affected our family dynamics, my education and the general well being of my siblings.
Like I said, my grades have dropped badly, and I have been kicked out of my programme because I failed a course twice. Now I am really sad, and don’t really know if it’s worth informing them. I love them both and I wish they could love each other once again, put all the ugly old ways behind them and exhibit exemplary deeds. I am really sad and confused about the way forward. Kindly advise me on what to do next.
Worried Son.
Dear Worried Son,
If you are married as you claim, why not focus more on making your marriage work rather than bother yourself with the choice your parents made? Your concern should be more on how to avoid the mistake of your father.
If your mother is his fourth wife, your worries should be how not to acquire wives like your father. Something must be wrong for him to keep changing his wives.
Worrying over how to make things work for them is rather too late in the day. The moment your mother decided to be fourth wife to your father, she gave up her sole right in reforming this man. Whatever she does would be neutralised by the women before her who think they have more rights over this man than she has.
She may be the only one currently living with him, but the truth is, she is living with the presence, interests, antics, bitterness, disappointments, and intrigues of all the other wives. There is no way they would leave the management of your father and his affairs to your mother.
It is unfortunate that you and your siblings are the ones suffering the consequences but the truth is that your mother has to make the choice of what is most important to her at this critical point. The interest and well being of her children or trying to keep a home that was never hers from the moment she made the decision to marry your father.
Besides, by now she should have mastered the technique of avoiding problems with her man. Having stayed with him for 35 years, she by now know your father like a book, knowing his moods, weaknesses, strengths and his good side.
She should also by now have integrated herself to him, making sure she finds the key to unlock some of his irritating habits and making the place comfortable for her children.
The fact that they are still finding it difficult to find their rhythm shows they are both not doing enough to make each other happy. Like I said before, it would be almost impossible to achieve a harmonious home considering the disadvantage that followed your mother into the marriage.
At this point, encourage her to be closer to God for the sake of herself and her children. Being the last set of children, you and your siblings would need more than your efforts to make it in life.
Your peace and happiness would come from the efforts your mother is ready to make on bent knees praying to God. She also has to make the effort to control her temper to ensure her children do not suffer unnecessarily. If your father has done his bit of helping you all find the right footing in life, the rest is her battle to fight.
If your grades are falling, it is because at 25, you haven’t learnt to distant yourself from what is happening around you. It is also statement of how immature you still are, something you should really work on if your own marriage is to avoid following the pattern of your father’s.
One thing is the strength of character to withstand the storm of life. You don’t have any reason at your age to suffer from psychological problem because of your parents’ marriage. And to blame it on your inability to make good grades is only an excuse to dodge the obvious.
What are you really afraid of? This is a question you must carefully consider before answering. If the truth must be told, it is more than what you are saying. It is more to do with your own inadequacies as a man, your own limitations as a husband as well as your own failures as a son to help your parents realise that marriage is more than the two of them.
If you are really worried about their marriage, don’t limit your efforts to your immediate siblings alone. Enlist the help and support of every child that comes from your father’s loin.
Without a concerted efforts by you all to repair the foundation of your lives, by bringing together all the children of your father, nothing much can be achieved. Every interested party must be heard, canvassed and settled together before any of you can drum up support for progress for anyone in the family. A fragmented family can never stand. This should be your starting point in finding solution to your parents’ troubled marriage.
The outcome of this meeting would determine how much success you later achieve in bringing about peace between your mother and father. If your father has never attempted to reconcile his children and wives, it would be too much to expect him to reconcile with your mother and her children.
If he has always been harsh on his other women and children, there is no way he can change from what he has always been to something you and your siblings want.
Your mother’s happiness can never happen in a vacuum. All hands have to be on deck to ensure it is not achieved at the expense of any member of the family.
There is also the need for you to privately call your mother for discussion. If she is to achieve peace in her home, she has to learn to give respect to her man, recognise that being the only one living with him, gives her the added burden of being mother to all the other children by ensuring they have unhindered access to their father.
She should act as the bridge that would bring peace between those before her and your father.
Whatever happened between her and the other women at the time of her marriage to your father should be left in the past if she truly desires happiness and progress for her children.
Where she has to offer apologies or forgive completely, she shouldn’t hesitate at all. The beauty of life is in our ability to rise above our limitations.
The best thing you can do for yourself and wife is to learn from these experiences. Multiple marriages don’t solve the issue of inadequacies noticed in our partners; rather they only complicate issues. There is no problem patience and selflessness cannot solve in any relationship no matter how difficult it may appear at first.
Once we have the determination it eventually works out.
Ironically, the patience your father or mother didn’t have in their younger days is what they must have now to enjoy the benefits of old age if they hope to enjoy the fruits of being parents. Only a happy child thinks of providing the parents with comfort in their old age. At that meeting, ensure you emphasis this point.
Good luck.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Doubt if she takes our altar dream serious…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you as a blessing to this generation especially the young people like me who have learnt a lot from your daily counsels.
There is this lady I met last year through my cousin; I like her because she happens to be my kind of girl.
I proposed we should start a relationship that will lead to marriage. She accepted the proposal and added we should pray about it. But I don’t understand her character and we are not staying in the same area. She schools in Abia State while I am staying in Port Harcourt. She finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime, and even when she sees my missed calls, she never calls or beeps back.
I am the only one who calls her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much that I would not like to miss her.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
You are right. There is the need for both of you to acquire a profound understanding of each other’s character and attitude before you venture into marriage.
Unfortunately, not many young persons appreciate that there is more to marriage than falling in love. Between falling in love and staying married requires understanding, patience and wisdom.
All these come first from the knowledge of each other the couple is coming into the marriage with.
Despite leaving in separate towns and states, both of you can still make out time to study each other. One of such ways is for you to pay her surprised visits. Come into town without prior notice, book into a hotel for the number of days you intend spending there.
Call her thereafter to know what she is doing and where she is. Such visits will reveal a lot of things into her way of life as well as her person. Spending sometime with her on those visits shall also reveal a lot of things about her temperaments and values.
It would also enable her discover your weak points as well as your strong points.
You could also arrange to spend time together during your holidays. This would offer both of you the chance to know what you are both going into. Being together doesn’t mean you have to make love. This is one thing that will never go away but once the chance of knowing each presents itself and it is properly explored, the couple stands a chance of having an enduring relationship
We all have different attitudes to the issue of telephone usage. While some don’t mind making all the calls, others think it is import as well as a demonstration of one’s love.
However one thing is important, effective communication in a relationship. Without it, a relationship risks running under ground. This is especially important as both of you don’t reside in the same town. This is the angle you should harp on. Chances are she would listen better if she knows that whatever you share appreciates with effective communication and that with the availability of mobile phones relationships need not suffer from lack of communications.
Keep explaining to her that you are worried about her lukewarm attitude to daily communications between the two of you. Ask her pointedly how she would feel if you also adopt the attitude of not calling or talking to her?
However you have to prepare your mind that you would always be the one calling her because with people like her, it might take awhile for them to change their attitude towards effective communications in a relationship.
The success of a relationship is dependent on the amount of sacrifices one of the parties is willing to make. In this case, you are the one who has to make the most sacrifice for this relationship to work. I appreciate the pains and disappointments laced with this kind of sacrifice but when one wants something, the person must be prepared to go the extra mile.
A lot depends on how much you want this woman in your life as well as your conviction that she is special to you.
There is no relationship without its time of planting. On her part, she could also be studying you in terms of how much you are willing to invest in the relationship. If it is any consolation, old and trusted relationships too also go through this kind of challenge.
For both of you to get to that point of complete oneness, you must find time to come together to discuss your fears as well as dreams for the future. Through this effort you would know if you are both on the same page or not. One thing is to give commitment to be in a relationship, another thing is to ensure both parties are properly focused on what they each want from each other as well as the relationship.
It is only then you can confidently pursue a life together.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you as a blessing to this generation especially the young people like me who have learnt a lot from your daily counsels.
There is this lady I met last year through my cousin; I like her because she happens to be my kind of girl.
I proposed we should start a relationship that will lead to marriage. She accepted the proposal and added we should pray about it. But I don’t understand her character and we are not staying in the same area. She schools in Abia State while I am staying in Port Harcourt. She finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime, and even when she sees my missed calls, she never calls or beeps back.
I am the only one who calls her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much that I would not like to miss her.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
You are right. There is the need for both of you to acquire a profound understanding of each other’s character and attitude before you venture into marriage.
Unfortunately, not many young persons appreciate that there is more to marriage than falling in love. Between falling in love and staying married requires understanding, patience and wisdom.
All these come first from the knowledge of each other the couple is coming into the marriage with.
Despite leaving in separate towns and states, both of you can still make out time to study each other. One of such ways is for you to pay her surprised visits. Come into town without prior notice, book into a hotel for the number of days you intend spending there.
Call her thereafter to know what she is doing and where she is. Such visits will reveal a lot of things into her way of life as well as her person. Spending sometime with her on those visits shall also reveal a lot of things about her temperaments and values.
It would also enable her discover your weak points as well as your strong points.
You could also arrange to spend time together during your holidays. This would offer both of you the chance to know what you are both going into. Being together doesn’t mean you have to make love. This is one thing that will never go away but once the chance of knowing each presents itself and it is properly explored, the couple stands a chance of having an enduring relationship
We all have different attitudes to the issue of telephone usage. While some don’t mind making all the calls, others think it is import as well as a demonstration of one’s love.
However one thing is important, effective communication in a relationship. Without it, a relationship risks running under ground. This is especially important as both of you don’t reside in the same town. This is the angle you should harp on. Chances are she would listen better if she knows that whatever you share appreciates with effective communication and that with the availability of mobile phones relationships need not suffer from lack of communications.
Keep explaining to her that you are worried about her lukewarm attitude to daily communications between the two of you. Ask her pointedly how she would feel if you also adopt the attitude of not calling or talking to her?
However you have to prepare your mind that you would always be the one calling her because with people like her, it might take awhile for them to change their attitude towards effective communications in a relationship.
The success of a relationship is dependent on the amount of sacrifices one of the parties is willing to make. In this case, you are the one who has to make the most sacrifice for this relationship to work. I appreciate the pains and disappointments laced with this kind of sacrifice but when one wants something, the person must be prepared to go the extra mile.
A lot depends on how much you want this woman in your life as well as your conviction that she is special to you.
There is no relationship without its time of planting. On her part, she could also be studying you in terms of how much you are willing to invest in the relationship. If it is any consolation, old and trusted relationships too also go through this kind of challenge.
For both of you to get to that point of complete oneness, you must find time to come together to discuss your fears as well as dreams for the future. Through this effort you would know if you are both on the same page or not. One thing is to give commitment to be in a relationship, another thing is to ensure both parties are properly focused on what they each want from each other as well as the relationship.
It is only then you can confidently pursue a life together.
Good luck.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Calling him after I had quit sounds odd, isn’t it?
With Agatha Edo, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I broke up with my boyfriend but I am contemplating calling me to say hello. Is it normal and right for me to do so?
Confused Girlfriend.
Dear Confused Girlfriend,
There is nothing wrong in calling him to say hello. It shows that you are matured and feels no bitterness towards him.
The fact that you are no longer dating doesn’t make both of you sworn enemies. There is always a life after separation. The fact that you both didn’t get on as a couple doesn’t mean you cannot become good friends.
Not every relationship we go into would lead to marriage, only one would. Every relationship we go into is an opportunity for us to make good and worthy friends. If he refuses to acknowledge your greetings, don’t bother but if your relationship meant anything to him, he would appreciate your effort to continue as a friend.
No matter what happened between the two of you, still go ahead to say hello. It would heal a lot of things between the two of you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I broke up with my boyfriend but I am contemplating calling me to say hello. Is it normal and right for me to do so?
Confused Girlfriend.
Dear Confused Girlfriend,
There is nothing wrong in calling him to say hello. It shows that you are matured and feels no bitterness towards him.
The fact that you are no longer dating doesn’t make both of you sworn enemies. There is always a life after separation. The fact that you both didn’t get on as a couple doesn’t mean you cannot become good friends.
Not every relationship we go into would lead to marriage, only one would. Every relationship we go into is an opportunity for us to make good and worthy friends. If he refuses to acknowledge your greetings, don’t bother but if your relationship meant anything to him, he would appreciate your effort to continue as a friend.
No matter what happened between the two of you, still go ahead to say hello. It would heal a lot of things between the two of you.
Good luck.
Matchmaking makes no taboo to me after years of waiting…
with Agatha Edo, email, gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I really appreciate you for all your good works so far. Some times I think life is not just fair. Recently, I asked myself what I did to deserve the kind of challenges I am facing.
I come from a humble family but with the fear of God. I graduated from Ambrose Ali University as an accountant. I am between 35 and 36 years of age.
I am still a virgin and hope to be until I get married. As a Christian I am of the firm belief that premarital sex is a sin against God and man. I come from a family of eight children, two boys and six girls. I work to support my siblings.
Now, I am more than ripe to get married and still searching for a husband. Most of my younger ones who got pregnant before they got married all live with their husbands. It is funny that I, that vowed to preserve my dignity as a woman, am without a man. It is becoming increasingly embarrassing as everyone is asking when I would get married.
It isn’t as if I have gotten offers before. In 2008, I met this guy who wanted to marry me but I later discovered that he was very violent. He fights and quarrels at the slightest misunderstanding. I thought then I was to blame because the nature of my job leaves me little time for both of us. Somewhere along the line, he opted out and I had to let go because of his violent nature.
I met another guy through network site and we became friends. He made a lot of promises to me including a marriage promise. Although his parents were divorced, he promised to take me to visit them. We began to make plans in February this year, prompting me to resign from my job. Not only has he been transferred from Benin to Port Harcourt, he no longer calls or bother to send short messages.
It has been a very difficult time for me prompting my mother to come over to my place due to my depression.
Ever since I have kept asking God, ‘why me’? I have prayed, fasted, even went for several deliverances and still no improvement in my life. I have sown a lot to believe God for his miracle, but this is a really difficult time for me.
Agatha, but you are good adviser, I do not know if you can match-make. But I have a desire here; the man must be a good Christian, come from a good family and must be ready to wait until our wedding night. He must also be ready to settle down soonest. I pray God uses you to help me smile.
Petra
Dear Petra,
One thing you can be very sure of, that no one can love you as much as God does. If He appears not to be listening to your prayers, it is because He is training you to be the person He created you to be. The best gold is the one that can withstand the most heat. You are still a work in progress in the hands of your creator so listen more to Him and less to yourself.
More often than not this is where the problems come from. When we are going through challenges, we are too busy and closed minded praying and fasting to listen to that silent voice of God. Why not for once give God a chance to speak to you?
He isn’t responding to your prayers and fasting because you have stored too much worries and issues in your mind. Even if when He is talking to you, you are too busy with your worries to identify His voice from your heap of garbage.
Now He is keeping His distance from you to get your full attention. There is no one who serves God and go away empty handed. God is never indebted to us.
Concentrate more on praising Him instead of praying and fasting. By praising Him, you are telling Him to take charge as well as helping yourself to situate things in your life. Praising Him brings out the action in Him faster than you think.
First and foremost, you must stop worrying about your age. Your worries won’t change anything rather they would only complicate things for you as well as invite unnecessary medical issues into your life. Only if you are healthy would you be able to attract and keep the interest of a man. There is nothing that ages a woman faster than worries and depression. I am sure you don’t want to look like a grandmother before your man comes along.
You must therefore snap out of your depression and wear a smile because it is the only way to overcome life’s many challenges.
Another thing you must try to avoid is your outlook to life. That you are a Christian doesn’t mean your outlook and thoughts must be boring. You must acquire the right looks as well as the broadness of mind to sustain the interest of a man in you.
God is the creator of knowledge; there is no subject He doesn’t know or above Him. You must not tie yourself to ancient doctrines that forbids Christians from looking good and being friendly. Keeping to yourself and being overtly condemning of other people’s attitudes doesn’t make you a better Christian. You can keep your values without being offensive and religiously condescending.
No man wants to live with a saint. Every man wants a wife, a woman and friend. It can be really boring for a man when all his wife does is to act superior to every other person around him. Jesus, befriended those considered social outcasts to enable Him draw them near.
If you fall into the mould of those who have become religious snobs, time is for you to come down before the one we all serve, we are condemned. His grace is what is keeping you and I alive.
Learn to live. The beauty of our faith is more in our ability to resist temptation and not to build a wall around ourselves. Without being tested we don’t have anything to defend and by so doing our foundation becomes too weak to stand the test of time.
The best weapons are those that can withstand the heat of time, so the ‘why me’ question is unnecessary. If you really devote time to hearing from God, you will get the answer to this question.
Forget about your siblings that are married. They are married to their husbands and not yours. They seem to be having the upper hand in that department because they have mastered the game of being happy with their choices. They are able to smile, laugh and look good. Take account of your own attitude and you would know what areas to work at. God is beautiful, glorious and peaceful. He epitomises love, happiness and peace. As His children, we must always reflect His attributes for all to see.
I don’t matchmake. I only help to publish requests like yours. I am sure the right man would come and stay if he finds the peace, happiness and friendship in your heart. As a woman your role is to support, give encouragement and lovingly point your man to the right direction. No man can resist these qualities in a woman. A woman who has the right charm and friendly disposition is like a poison to a man’s soul.
If your attitude is hostile, it won’t matter to the man if you are a virgin or not. A lot of things make a woman complete and right for the man’s soul. Virginity is only a fraction of it.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I really appreciate you for all your good works so far. Some times I think life is not just fair. Recently, I asked myself what I did to deserve the kind of challenges I am facing.
I come from a humble family but with the fear of God. I graduated from Ambrose Ali University as an accountant. I am between 35 and 36 years of age.
I am still a virgin and hope to be until I get married. As a Christian I am of the firm belief that premarital sex is a sin against God and man. I come from a family of eight children, two boys and six girls. I work to support my siblings.
Now, I am more than ripe to get married and still searching for a husband. Most of my younger ones who got pregnant before they got married all live with their husbands. It is funny that I, that vowed to preserve my dignity as a woman, am without a man. It is becoming increasingly embarrassing as everyone is asking when I would get married.
It isn’t as if I have gotten offers before. In 2008, I met this guy who wanted to marry me but I later discovered that he was very violent. He fights and quarrels at the slightest misunderstanding. I thought then I was to blame because the nature of my job leaves me little time for both of us. Somewhere along the line, he opted out and I had to let go because of his violent nature.
I met another guy through network site and we became friends. He made a lot of promises to me including a marriage promise. Although his parents were divorced, he promised to take me to visit them. We began to make plans in February this year, prompting me to resign from my job. Not only has he been transferred from Benin to Port Harcourt, he no longer calls or bother to send short messages.
It has been a very difficult time for me prompting my mother to come over to my place due to my depression.
Ever since I have kept asking God, ‘why me’? I have prayed, fasted, even went for several deliverances and still no improvement in my life. I have sown a lot to believe God for his miracle, but this is a really difficult time for me.
Agatha, but you are good adviser, I do not know if you can match-make. But I have a desire here; the man must be a good Christian, come from a good family and must be ready to wait until our wedding night. He must also be ready to settle down soonest. I pray God uses you to help me smile.
Petra
Dear Petra,
One thing you can be very sure of, that no one can love you as much as God does. If He appears not to be listening to your prayers, it is because He is training you to be the person He created you to be. The best gold is the one that can withstand the most heat. You are still a work in progress in the hands of your creator so listen more to Him and less to yourself.
More often than not this is where the problems come from. When we are going through challenges, we are too busy and closed minded praying and fasting to listen to that silent voice of God. Why not for once give God a chance to speak to you?
He isn’t responding to your prayers and fasting because you have stored too much worries and issues in your mind. Even if when He is talking to you, you are too busy with your worries to identify His voice from your heap of garbage.
Now He is keeping His distance from you to get your full attention. There is no one who serves God and go away empty handed. God is never indebted to us.
Concentrate more on praising Him instead of praying and fasting. By praising Him, you are telling Him to take charge as well as helping yourself to situate things in your life. Praising Him brings out the action in Him faster than you think.
First and foremost, you must stop worrying about your age. Your worries won’t change anything rather they would only complicate things for you as well as invite unnecessary medical issues into your life. Only if you are healthy would you be able to attract and keep the interest of a man. There is nothing that ages a woman faster than worries and depression. I am sure you don’t want to look like a grandmother before your man comes along.
You must therefore snap out of your depression and wear a smile because it is the only way to overcome life’s many challenges.
Another thing you must try to avoid is your outlook to life. That you are a Christian doesn’t mean your outlook and thoughts must be boring. You must acquire the right looks as well as the broadness of mind to sustain the interest of a man in you.
God is the creator of knowledge; there is no subject He doesn’t know or above Him. You must not tie yourself to ancient doctrines that forbids Christians from looking good and being friendly. Keeping to yourself and being overtly condemning of other people’s attitudes doesn’t make you a better Christian. You can keep your values without being offensive and religiously condescending.
No man wants to live with a saint. Every man wants a wife, a woman and friend. It can be really boring for a man when all his wife does is to act superior to every other person around him. Jesus, befriended those considered social outcasts to enable Him draw them near.
If you fall into the mould of those who have become religious snobs, time is for you to come down before the one we all serve, we are condemned. His grace is what is keeping you and I alive.
Learn to live. The beauty of our faith is more in our ability to resist temptation and not to build a wall around ourselves. Without being tested we don’t have anything to defend and by so doing our foundation becomes too weak to stand the test of time.
The best weapons are those that can withstand the heat of time, so the ‘why me’ question is unnecessary. If you really devote time to hearing from God, you will get the answer to this question.
Forget about your siblings that are married. They are married to their husbands and not yours. They seem to be having the upper hand in that department because they have mastered the game of being happy with their choices. They are able to smile, laugh and look good. Take account of your own attitude and you would know what areas to work at. God is beautiful, glorious and peaceful. He epitomises love, happiness and peace. As His children, we must always reflect His attributes for all to see.
I don’t matchmake. I only help to publish requests like yours. I am sure the right man would come and stay if he finds the peace, happiness and friendship in your heart. As a woman your role is to support, give encouragement and lovingly point your man to the right direction. No man can resist these qualities in a woman. A woman who has the right charm and friendly disposition is like a poison to a man’s soul.
If your attitude is hostile, it won’t matter to the man if you are a virgin or not. A lot of things make a woman complete and right for the man’s soul. Virginity is only a fraction of it.
Good luck.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Both AS, now she’s pregnant, yet we want no SS child…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Help, I am in a big problem that requires urgent attention else I would lose my sanity.
I am a 35-year-old man introduced to a 25-year-old girl last year. The relationship soon developed and we both agreed to cement it. We went for genotype test where it was confirmed that we were both of the AS genotype.
The two families advised us to end the relationship immediately to avoid our regretting it in the future. We refused and continue, though secretly.
Just as we were about putting an end to the relationship, she called to say she has missed her monthly flow. I advised her to go for a test and it was later confirmed that she was a month and two weeks pregnant.
I am surprised to see her pregnant since we always practice safe sex. She visits only during her safe period and I use both condom and ‘withdrawal methods’ when having sex with her. I have hundred percent trust in her that she isn’t promiscuous. I actually met her a virgin.
The questions is whether a lady can get pregnant after meeting her man on the third day after her menstrual flow with me using my safe sex method?
Is it also possible to determine the genotype of an unborn foetus? I would love to marry her, but I don’t want to bring in an innocent baby into a world of pain and suffering because of our selfishness.
Agatha please, advise me on what to do, I am so confused. She had been suggesting aborting the pregnancy, because she is afraid and don’t want either her people or mine to know about it. For me, I hate abortion, and have never attempted or assisted anyone in anyway to do it. I am afraid of the whole thing backfiring and she suffering later if anything goes wrong.
Afraid Man.
Dear Afraid Man,
There is no birth control that gives total assurance against pregnancy. God is still God and decides when a child is coming. Some determined babies have been known to defy all known medical procedures and restrictions in their quest to come to the world.
The issue here has gone beyond if she can become pregnant in spite of the methods of birth control you use. The answer is a categorical yes. From the age of the pregnancy, she didn’t become pregnant during your last time together. The pregnancy occurred before that day. The menstrual flow may be a fluke; some women still experience the monthly ritual of having menses even when pregnant.
The real worry here is the issue of your genotype. With both of you being AS, there is the risk of one or more of your children being SS. Like you rightly observed, it can be very traumatic for a couple with an SS child.
The child faces the challenge of not being able to live a healthy life like other children his or her age, exempted from certain activities other children take for granted and has to go through spell of pains and hospitalisation from time to time.
It isn’t pleasant for both child and parents, who daily fear that the child might die from any of the complications that come from being Sickle Cell.
Having and caring for an SS child isn’t a tea party, hence the need for you and your woman to be realistic about this child.
Yes, a medical procedure known as amniocentesis can determine the genotype of the child from the womb. It is a prenatal test in which a small amount of amniotic fluid like water that surrounds the foetus is removed from the sac surrounding the unborn child and tested. The sample of amniotic fluid is removed through a fine needle inserted into the uterus through the abdomen, under ultrasound guidance. The fluid is then sent to a laboratory for analysis. Different tests can be performed on a sample of amniotic fluid, depending on the genetic risk and indication for the test.
Because amniocentesis presents a small risk for both the mother and her baby, the prenatal test is generally offered to women who have a significant risk for genetic diseases, including those who have family history of certain birth defects such as SS. The results usually take about three weeks to come.
The results of the amniocentesis would tell you and your woman if an abortion is needed or not. Most often if the child is SS, the couple is usually advised to think of abortion, because of the challenges of having an SS child.
Frankly the choice of whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not is yours to make once the result is out.
If you decide to keep it, there is no way you can avoid telling your parents about it whether or not they are in support of your relationship or not.
Whatever the decision you want to make, do it urgently before the pregnancy becomes too obvious to be kept secret.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Help, I am in a big problem that requires urgent attention else I would lose my sanity.
I am a 35-year-old man introduced to a 25-year-old girl last year. The relationship soon developed and we both agreed to cement it. We went for genotype test where it was confirmed that we were both of the AS genotype.
The two families advised us to end the relationship immediately to avoid our regretting it in the future. We refused and continue, though secretly.
Just as we were about putting an end to the relationship, she called to say she has missed her monthly flow. I advised her to go for a test and it was later confirmed that she was a month and two weeks pregnant.
I am surprised to see her pregnant since we always practice safe sex. She visits only during her safe period and I use both condom and ‘withdrawal methods’ when having sex with her. I have hundred percent trust in her that she isn’t promiscuous. I actually met her a virgin.
The questions is whether a lady can get pregnant after meeting her man on the third day after her menstrual flow with me using my safe sex method?
Is it also possible to determine the genotype of an unborn foetus? I would love to marry her, but I don’t want to bring in an innocent baby into a world of pain and suffering because of our selfishness.
Agatha please, advise me on what to do, I am so confused. She had been suggesting aborting the pregnancy, because she is afraid and don’t want either her people or mine to know about it. For me, I hate abortion, and have never attempted or assisted anyone in anyway to do it. I am afraid of the whole thing backfiring and she suffering later if anything goes wrong.
Afraid Man.
Dear Afraid Man,
There is no birth control that gives total assurance against pregnancy. God is still God and decides when a child is coming. Some determined babies have been known to defy all known medical procedures and restrictions in their quest to come to the world.
The issue here has gone beyond if she can become pregnant in spite of the methods of birth control you use. The answer is a categorical yes. From the age of the pregnancy, she didn’t become pregnant during your last time together. The pregnancy occurred before that day. The menstrual flow may be a fluke; some women still experience the monthly ritual of having menses even when pregnant.
The real worry here is the issue of your genotype. With both of you being AS, there is the risk of one or more of your children being SS. Like you rightly observed, it can be very traumatic for a couple with an SS child.
The child faces the challenge of not being able to live a healthy life like other children his or her age, exempted from certain activities other children take for granted and has to go through spell of pains and hospitalisation from time to time.
It isn’t pleasant for both child and parents, who daily fear that the child might die from any of the complications that come from being Sickle Cell.
Having and caring for an SS child isn’t a tea party, hence the need for you and your woman to be realistic about this child.
Yes, a medical procedure known as amniocentesis can determine the genotype of the child from the womb. It is a prenatal test in which a small amount of amniotic fluid like water that surrounds the foetus is removed from the sac surrounding the unborn child and tested. The sample of amniotic fluid is removed through a fine needle inserted into the uterus through the abdomen, under ultrasound guidance. The fluid is then sent to a laboratory for analysis. Different tests can be performed on a sample of amniotic fluid, depending on the genetic risk and indication for the test.
Because amniocentesis presents a small risk for both the mother and her baby, the prenatal test is generally offered to women who have a significant risk for genetic diseases, including those who have family history of certain birth defects such as SS. The results usually take about three weeks to come.
The results of the amniocentesis would tell you and your woman if an abortion is needed or not. Most often if the child is SS, the couple is usually advised to think of abortion, because of the challenges of having an SS child.
Frankly the choice of whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not is yours to make once the result is out.
If you decide to keep it, there is no way you can avoid telling your parents about it whether or not they are in support of your relationship or not.
Whatever the decision you want to make, do it urgently before the pregnancy becomes too obvious to be kept secret.
Good luck.
She coerced me into marrying her
Marriage Clinic, With Agatha Edo. email;gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Despite being in financial stress, the lady I was dating mounted pressure on me to marry her. We ended up getting marriage in the registry. She met me while I was studying for my Ordinary National Diploma. Before we got married, we discussed my financial status as well as how to share the bills between us. We agreed on something but I couldn’t continue with my studies after a while due to lack of funds.
Four years into our marriage, I found out she was four years older than I am. This isn’t the only issue I have to contend with. She also doesn’t give in to sex when I want it. She only agrees to it when she wants it. This habit of hers has pushed me to masturbating.
Even though we got married before my two elder brothers, their wives have since given birth while mine hasn’t even gotten pregnant for one day.
I honestly feel like moving on with my life. Please advice me on what to do because before I married, I got a lady pregnant.
I have discussed this issue with my family who are all aware that I am fed up. You won’t believe she once starved me of sex for three months. Her excuse was the herbal concoction she was taking to get pregnant. I have been managing a security job but my contract with the company has ended.
At 31, I am preparing for my UTME examinations. I would appreciate if you can help me get a job to enable me start life all over again.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
When the going gets very tough; only the tough gets going. There is no where in the Bible that God promised us a problem free life; His grace, He says, is sufficient to see us through difficult periods in our lives. This promised grace would help you recover all that you have lost. It is just a matter of time and patience.
I wish I had a job to offer you but this is one request I cannot help you with If you are desirous of working with the company you mentioned, go in there and drop your C.V. You never can tell what God intends to accomplish for you.
As for your marriage, you just have to learn to endure the situation. Granted, she lied about her age but the fact remains that you allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry her. You must have felt something very strong for her to have yielded to her pressures.
If you are just finding out about the four-year gap between the two of you, it means her age sits well on her. If it didn’t, you would have noticed it from the time you met. Therefore it isn’t that she is older than you that is the real bother here but the fact that she kept such vital information from you. This, plus the fact that you felt cheated in marrying a woman you wouldn’t ordinarily have married given the age difference is the issue here.
Sincerely, you have every right to be angry with her. You also have every reason to doubt other things about her but the bottom line is that you have to find it in your heart to forgive her if the required effort has to be put to salvage this marriage.
A lot of things could happen in a marriage to bring on a change of attitude in either the woman or the man but these same circumstances can be erased with the right attitude as well as determination.
Before you can make a conclusive decision concerning the viability of the marriage, you have to be sure that there is nothing else you can do. This is important because as we grow older in life, we begin to acquire a deeper understanding to life. Issues we were impatient about before would no longer mean so much. This is what you should avoid because there is no telling what you would encounter in your next marriage.
Every marriage has a cross and if you aren’t careful, you may discover that there is more warmth where you are coming from than where you are going to.
You must attempt to avoid life long regrets, the kind you would wish you could undo.
I am sure she wasn’t like this when you agreed to marry her. Something must have happened between the time you both married and now to make her change dramatically. You must therefore begin the search for answers from your end. What did you do wrong? The fault can’t be hers only. Why did she have to lie about her age? Would you have married her if you knew her age? Would your love for her have been sufficient to cover the fact that she is older than you are?
Yes, she wronged you by keeping this important information away from you but divorce isn’t always the answer. If you are both unable to conceive since getting married four years ago, what efforts have you two made to find out medically what the matter is and what modern medicine can be of help to the one with the fault?
That you have impregnated someone before doesn’t mean you cannot suffer secondary infertility. One or two things may have happened in the past to affect your reproductive system. It is always wrong for anybody to assume that because certain things have happened in the past, one is okay medically. There is so much both of you can do together as a couple to help improve on the situation between the two of you. If you are both friends, she would be free to discuss her past with you and tell you whatever you have to know about her past love life. You are both in the dark about each other’s medical history because there is massive distrust on your parts. You have to learn to trust each other sufficiently to get to the root of this medical problem.
In addition, babies can only come when the home is happy. With the tension between the two of you, conception may be very difficult if not impossible.
If she is taking any medication, you should know about it. That she is taking it without your knowledge shows that there is no cohesion between both of you. The bitterness and disappointments of not having a child becloud your marriage so much so, you have forgotten the reason you both got married in the first place.
Marriage is more than having a child or children. If you are having difficulties having a child, don’t have difficulties being friends and companion to each other. This way, you make your marriage so strong and elastic to withstand any situation.
Honestly, this is the time for both of you to focus on building your marriage as well as the quality of your life. That you are unemployed doesn’t mean you cannot have a happy home, one in which your woman would willingly contribute her quota.
Some of the time, our partners react to the signals they are getting from us. If the message she is getting from you is that she is worthless in your life because she hasn’t been able to give you a child, there is no way you will ever get the best from her because of that inherent fear that she is a stranger in your home and life. Your brothers’ wives that have children are living in their seasons; when it is the season of your wife to be a mother, God will grant her prayers. Don’t compare; it is the worst thing you can do to your marriage.
If you are able to cross the hurdle of anger, a lot of things would work out fine.
Both of you have to seek the face of God together for your lives to be meaningful.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Despite being in financial stress, the lady I was dating mounted pressure on me to marry her. We ended up getting marriage in the registry. She met me while I was studying for my Ordinary National Diploma. Before we got married, we discussed my financial status as well as how to share the bills between us. We agreed on something but I couldn’t continue with my studies after a while due to lack of funds.
Four years into our marriage, I found out she was four years older than I am. This isn’t the only issue I have to contend with. She also doesn’t give in to sex when I want it. She only agrees to it when she wants it. This habit of hers has pushed me to masturbating.
Even though we got married before my two elder brothers, their wives have since given birth while mine hasn’t even gotten pregnant for one day.
I honestly feel like moving on with my life. Please advice me on what to do because before I married, I got a lady pregnant.
I have discussed this issue with my family who are all aware that I am fed up. You won’t believe she once starved me of sex for three months. Her excuse was the herbal concoction she was taking to get pregnant. I have been managing a security job but my contract with the company has ended.
At 31, I am preparing for my UTME examinations. I would appreciate if you can help me get a job to enable me start life all over again.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
When the going gets very tough; only the tough gets going. There is no where in the Bible that God promised us a problem free life; His grace, He says, is sufficient to see us through difficult periods in our lives. This promised grace would help you recover all that you have lost. It is just a matter of time and patience.
I wish I had a job to offer you but this is one request I cannot help you with If you are desirous of working with the company you mentioned, go in there and drop your C.V. You never can tell what God intends to accomplish for you.
As for your marriage, you just have to learn to endure the situation. Granted, she lied about her age but the fact remains that you allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry her. You must have felt something very strong for her to have yielded to her pressures.
If you are just finding out about the four-year gap between the two of you, it means her age sits well on her. If it didn’t, you would have noticed it from the time you met. Therefore it isn’t that she is older than you that is the real bother here but the fact that she kept such vital information from you. This, plus the fact that you felt cheated in marrying a woman you wouldn’t ordinarily have married given the age difference is the issue here.
Sincerely, you have every right to be angry with her. You also have every reason to doubt other things about her but the bottom line is that you have to find it in your heart to forgive her if the required effort has to be put to salvage this marriage.
A lot of things could happen in a marriage to bring on a change of attitude in either the woman or the man but these same circumstances can be erased with the right attitude as well as determination.
Before you can make a conclusive decision concerning the viability of the marriage, you have to be sure that there is nothing else you can do. This is important because as we grow older in life, we begin to acquire a deeper understanding to life. Issues we were impatient about before would no longer mean so much. This is what you should avoid because there is no telling what you would encounter in your next marriage.
Every marriage has a cross and if you aren’t careful, you may discover that there is more warmth where you are coming from than where you are going to.
You must attempt to avoid life long regrets, the kind you would wish you could undo.
I am sure she wasn’t like this when you agreed to marry her. Something must have happened between the time you both married and now to make her change dramatically. You must therefore begin the search for answers from your end. What did you do wrong? The fault can’t be hers only. Why did she have to lie about her age? Would you have married her if you knew her age? Would your love for her have been sufficient to cover the fact that she is older than you are?
Yes, she wronged you by keeping this important information away from you but divorce isn’t always the answer. If you are both unable to conceive since getting married four years ago, what efforts have you two made to find out medically what the matter is and what modern medicine can be of help to the one with the fault?
That you have impregnated someone before doesn’t mean you cannot suffer secondary infertility. One or two things may have happened in the past to affect your reproductive system. It is always wrong for anybody to assume that because certain things have happened in the past, one is okay medically. There is so much both of you can do together as a couple to help improve on the situation between the two of you. If you are both friends, she would be free to discuss her past with you and tell you whatever you have to know about her past love life. You are both in the dark about each other’s medical history because there is massive distrust on your parts. You have to learn to trust each other sufficiently to get to the root of this medical problem.
In addition, babies can only come when the home is happy. With the tension between the two of you, conception may be very difficult if not impossible.
If she is taking any medication, you should know about it. That she is taking it without your knowledge shows that there is no cohesion between both of you. The bitterness and disappointments of not having a child becloud your marriage so much so, you have forgotten the reason you both got married in the first place.
Marriage is more than having a child or children. If you are having difficulties having a child, don’t have difficulties being friends and companion to each other. This way, you make your marriage so strong and elastic to withstand any situation.
Honestly, this is the time for both of you to focus on building your marriage as well as the quality of your life. That you are unemployed doesn’t mean you cannot have a happy home, one in which your woman would willingly contribute her quota.
Some of the time, our partners react to the signals they are getting from us. If the message she is getting from you is that she is worthless in your life because she hasn’t been able to give you a child, there is no way you will ever get the best from her because of that inherent fear that she is a stranger in your home and life. Your brothers’ wives that have children are living in their seasons; when it is the season of your wife to be a mother, God will grant her prayers. Don’t compare; it is the worst thing you can do to your marriage.
If you are able to cross the hurdle of anger, a lot of things would work out fine.
Both of you have to seek the face of God together for your lives to be meaningful.
Good luck.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Before high bride price wrecks our wedding
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you very much for your response and advice to my 2009 letter. Since then, I have also been reading and guiding myself with those replies you give to other people on your column, thinking I might not really need to write to you on the same issue. Thank God I didn’t commit suicide while I was jobless and had nothing to feed on, as I hate begging.
I eventually got another job same month that I resumed school last year 2010 though not paying like the one lost, and I had to take care of the first session of my academic programme, suspending marriage plans. I couldn’t wait till I would recover fully financially, I still went ahead with my woman to her village to get details of her bride price and necessary marriage items to be presented. But this is costly for me, I told them I couldn’t afford it that they should reduce it but they said because I’m from a different tribe, that’s why I think it is outrageous. They insist it is part of their tradition and culture. Coming back to our base, this resulted in misunderstanding between my woman and I, because I don’t like starting what I know I can’t finish and she knows my present income as I spend money earned on the part time course, which is expensive.
I’m also trying to furnish my apartment and buy necessary things needed in the house, because if I don’t start now, it would be difficult later. Even some of my friends and family members invited my woman for a meeting so that she can talk to her people to reduce the bills but she said nothing could be done. This made me pause my marriage plans to face my studies fully.
After some months, she suggested a break-up, which I resisted because I was trying to see how I would raise some money, as I am expecting year 2011 to be favourable by God’s grace. Since I’m the determinant, knowing what I want, I told my family not to question her again over this, that I’ll look for money but I don’t want to be indebted too much. Even if I do, it should be what I can pay up after few months. So, I decided to see her family representative for the second time, telling him my stand: if they want us to proceed, we can still do something provided they also factor in my predicament and desire to conclude everything by the end of this year. He promised to relay my message to the rest of their family. It is after two months now they haven’t sent back a reply.
Sometimes, I nurse the thought of looking for an alternative woman in case this doesn’t work. I tried in my little way to make new friends or re-establishing a relationship with the few ladies I was interested in before I met her. But I always refrain myself from doing it in the last minute because this woman and I have been dating for several years.
I was in a dilemma when I met a lady of my tribe who’s ready for me, but I couldn’t talk seriously because of my current relationship. This is in addition to the fact that I don’t know her enough. I had to tell my woman to hasten up her family so that we can know the outcome of my request on time before I take another decision. So, I’m waiting for them. But deep down Agatha, I have the feelings that if I allow myself to get to know this new lady better, marrying her will be affordable for me because we’re even from the same state.
So, Agatha, what can you say to this thing happening to me?
S. Cool Man.
Dear Cool Man,
You have made all the attempts any man interested in marrying a woman should make. The ball is now in the court of this lady to make up her mind on whether she wants to marry you or not.
If she is really interested in marrying you, she should be able to moderate the decisions of her family to favour your situation. You have to make her realise that you cannot wait forever for her family members to make up their minds about you; that if they think you are incapable of looking after their daughter because of your current financial position, she should let you know.
There is no way she won’t know what her family thinks of you as well as why they are withholding their final blessings. If she had tried to mediate, pleaded with her parents to allow certain things go; they would have done something about the list.
But don’t lose hope yet. There is still something you can do to be sure of where the problem is really coming from. In addition to praying about your choice of a woman, do call her for a deep heart to heart discussion.
At this point, it is best to know where she stands on the whole issue. It is the right of her family to make whatever demands they want to, but her choice to go with them all the way or not. This is because, she is the one that would be most affected by the insistence of her family to collect everything on the list from you. Considering the number of years you have been together, she is the one that has to begin the search all over again.
A woman in love is often desperate and determined to have things her way. That your woman seems passive and willing to give her family all the freedom to determine how things are between the two of you is what is puzzling. For this simple reason, ensure you pray to be sure that what you want is what God also wants for both of you. If she is unwilling to intervene and appears ready to throw in the towel, don’t push it too much because God has a way of communicating His desires to His own. If God says she is yours, things would at the end of the day work out, but if she isn’t, there is little or nothing you can do to make her yours.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you very much for your response and advice to my 2009 letter. Since then, I have also been reading and guiding myself with those replies you give to other people on your column, thinking I might not really need to write to you on the same issue. Thank God I didn’t commit suicide while I was jobless and had nothing to feed on, as I hate begging.
I eventually got another job same month that I resumed school last year 2010 though not paying like the one lost, and I had to take care of the first session of my academic programme, suspending marriage plans. I couldn’t wait till I would recover fully financially, I still went ahead with my woman to her village to get details of her bride price and necessary marriage items to be presented. But this is costly for me, I told them I couldn’t afford it that they should reduce it but they said because I’m from a different tribe, that’s why I think it is outrageous. They insist it is part of their tradition and culture. Coming back to our base, this resulted in misunderstanding between my woman and I, because I don’t like starting what I know I can’t finish and she knows my present income as I spend money earned on the part time course, which is expensive.
I’m also trying to furnish my apartment and buy necessary things needed in the house, because if I don’t start now, it would be difficult later. Even some of my friends and family members invited my woman for a meeting so that she can talk to her people to reduce the bills but she said nothing could be done. This made me pause my marriage plans to face my studies fully.
After some months, she suggested a break-up, which I resisted because I was trying to see how I would raise some money, as I am expecting year 2011 to be favourable by God’s grace. Since I’m the determinant, knowing what I want, I told my family not to question her again over this, that I’ll look for money but I don’t want to be indebted too much. Even if I do, it should be what I can pay up after few months. So, I decided to see her family representative for the second time, telling him my stand: if they want us to proceed, we can still do something provided they also factor in my predicament and desire to conclude everything by the end of this year. He promised to relay my message to the rest of their family. It is after two months now they haven’t sent back a reply.
Sometimes, I nurse the thought of looking for an alternative woman in case this doesn’t work. I tried in my little way to make new friends or re-establishing a relationship with the few ladies I was interested in before I met her. But I always refrain myself from doing it in the last minute because this woman and I have been dating for several years.
I was in a dilemma when I met a lady of my tribe who’s ready for me, but I couldn’t talk seriously because of my current relationship. This is in addition to the fact that I don’t know her enough. I had to tell my woman to hasten up her family so that we can know the outcome of my request on time before I take another decision. So, I’m waiting for them. But deep down Agatha, I have the feelings that if I allow myself to get to know this new lady better, marrying her will be affordable for me because we’re even from the same state.
So, Agatha, what can you say to this thing happening to me?
S. Cool Man.
Dear Cool Man,
You have made all the attempts any man interested in marrying a woman should make. The ball is now in the court of this lady to make up her mind on whether she wants to marry you or not.
If she is really interested in marrying you, she should be able to moderate the decisions of her family to favour your situation. You have to make her realise that you cannot wait forever for her family members to make up their minds about you; that if they think you are incapable of looking after their daughter because of your current financial position, she should let you know.
There is no way she won’t know what her family thinks of you as well as why they are withholding their final blessings. If she had tried to mediate, pleaded with her parents to allow certain things go; they would have done something about the list.
But don’t lose hope yet. There is still something you can do to be sure of where the problem is really coming from. In addition to praying about your choice of a woman, do call her for a deep heart to heart discussion.
At this point, it is best to know where she stands on the whole issue. It is the right of her family to make whatever demands they want to, but her choice to go with them all the way or not. This is because, she is the one that would be most affected by the insistence of her family to collect everything on the list from you. Considering the number of years you have been together, she is the one that has to begin the search all over again.
A woman in love is often desperate and determined to have things her way. That your woman seems passive and willing to give her family all the freedom to determine how things are between the two of you is what is puzzling. For this simple reason, ensure you pray to be sure that what you want is what God also wants for both of you. If she is unwilling to intervene and appears ready to throw in the towel, don’t push it too much because God has a way of communicating His desires to His own. If God says she is yours, things would at the end of the day work out, but if she isn’t, there is little or nothing you can do to make her yours.
Good luck.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
He’s caring, loving but his religion…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your column, which I have found to be very interesting and educative. I am a 31-year-old single mother of one and into a four-year-old relationship with a man who is of a different religion. He has been very caring and loving to me ever since we met after my heartbroken relationship but has no plans whatsoever to marry me.
He has always been opposed to my plans to breakup our affair to enable me build up a serious marriage relationship with other men. Whenever I think of how he sponsored me through my professional studies and other needs it makes me feel sorry for him and deeply attached to him too. I love him so much that I would have only wished we will settle down together as he has all the qualities that a woman needs in a man.
I am a born Christian and can’t convert to Islam, but he loves and care for my son so much that I wish he would be his second father legally. Right now I can’t date any other man because I am not used to double dating and very honest and faithful to my love.
Please I need your advice, help, as I am totally confused. The worst part of it is that he is my colleague and each time I see him my love for him increases. I am so confused.
Ajadou.
Dear Ajadou,
I really understand the confusion deep in your heart. But this man has told you there can’t be a future between the two of you. He may be in love with you, care about you and your son, but has made it very clear that these are all he can offer you – his best for you and your son.
The choice is yours to make. He can’t make you stay if you don’t want to stay. You are still in this relationship because you want to for obvious reasons. It can be very difficult to let a good man such as you have described him go but you have to make the painful choice of continuing with him as his mistress or starting with another man you know can provide you with that thing every woman wants – marriage.
A time would come when this will no longer be enough for you, when you would want all of him, especially on those cold and unfriendly nights or days when only the warmth of a man can dispel all the ugliness of the mood.
It would come to a time too when your son would want more than the quality of attention he is getting from him.
You really have to make up your mind on what you really want because each day you wait depreciates your age. Best to strike when the iron is still very hot because as the days go by, you increasingly make it difficult for you and your son to get a single man who would be willing take on the challenge of being father to another man’s child. Not many young men are ready for that kind of responsibility.
If you make up your mind today to end the relationship, he lacks the authority to stop you. He can only plead with you to stay on but since he has told you he isn’t ready to marry you or you for that matter on account of your religious differences, he would have to let go.
At this point, you must really tell yourself the truth behind your excuses. Is it that he doesn’t want you to really go or that you are afraid you won’t be able to survive without the financial support you are getting from him? Only the can help you at this junction of decision.
It is either you are really afraid of losing the extra income that come from his end or deep down you really care enough to renounce your religion and pursue a lifetime partnership with him.
Whatever your reasons are, be sure you are telling yourself the truth, if you love him enough to discard your religion, let him know that you are willing to stay on whatever his conditions may be. If this is your reason, make sure you have the capacity to endure the loneliness that comes from being a mistress to another woman’s husband.
Even though you didn’t mention whether he is married or not, another woman would definitely be in his life. Be sure you understand the condition of not interfering with his marriage or relationship. Appreciate also that he may not always be available when there is an emergency that requires the strength and presence of a male in your life.
Just be sure you will be contented with the kind of life this man offers you.
However, there is nothing as dignifying as finding your own feet. You have to learn to depend on yourself because a time would come when his affection may shift from you entirely. A man who isn’t ready to marry you won’t ever accept pregnancy from you. He will never encourage you to have a child for him. What do you think would happen to this relationship if you get pregnant by accident? Do you think he would be there for you? Chances are he may not be.
The earlier you took the decision to weather the storm of your life alone the better for you.
Trust me, if this man is destined to play more than his current role in your life, it won’t matter a bit if you are still dating or not. He would always be there to help you; you both will always be friends.
Once you get your perspective to life right, you would know what to do about your current situation.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your column, which I have found to be very interesting and educative. I am a 31-year-old single mother of one and into a four-year-old relationship with a man who is of a different religion. He has been very caring and loving to me ever since we met after my heartbroken relationship but has no plans whatsoever to marry me.
He has always been opposed to my plans to breakup our affair to enable me build up a serious marriage relationship with other men. Whenever I think of how he sponsored me through my professional studies and other needs it makes me feel sorry for him and deeply attached to him too. I love him so much that I would have only wished we will settle down together as he has all the qualities that a woman needs in a man.
I am a born Christian and can’t convert to Islam, but he loves and care for my son so much that I wish he would be his second father legally. Right now I can’t date any other man because I am not used to double dating and very honest and faithful to my love.
Please I need your advice, help, as I am totally confused. The worst part of it is that he is my colleague and each time I see him my love for him increases. I am so confused.
Ajadou.
Dear Ajadou,
I really understand the confusion deep in your heart. But this man has told you there can’t be a future between the two of you. He may be in love with you, care about you and your son, but has made it very clear that these are all he can offer you – his best for you and your son.
The choice is yours to make. He can’t make you stay if you don’t want to stay. You are still in this relationship because you want to for obvious reasons. It can be very difficult to let a good man such as you have described him go but you have to make the painful choice of continuing with him as his mistress or starting with another man you know can provide you with that thing every woman wants – marriage.
A time would come when this will no longer be enough for you, when you would want all of him, especially on those cold and unfriendly nights or days when only the warmth of a man can dispel all the ugliness of the mood.
It would come to a time too when your son would want more than the quality of attention he is getting from him.
You really have to make up your mind on what you really want because each day you wait depreciates your age. Best to strike when the iron is still very hot because as the days go by, you increasingly make it difficult for you and your son to get a single man who would be willing take on the challenge of being father to another man’s child. Not many young men are ready for that kind of responsibility.
If you make up your mind today to end the relationship, he lacks the authority to stop you. He can only plead with you to stay on but since he has told you he isn’t ready to marry you or you for that matter on account of your religious differences, he would have to let go.
At this point, you must really tell yourself the truth behind your excuses. Is it that he doesn’t want you to really go or that you are afraid you won’t be able to survive without the financial support you are getting from him? Only the can help you at this junction of decision.
It is either you are really afraid of losing the extra income that come from his end or deep down you really care enough to renounce your religion and pursue a lifetime partnership with him.
Whatever your reasons are, be sure you are telling yourself the truth, if you love him enough to discard your religion, let him know that you are willing to stay on whatever his conditions may be. If this is your reason, make sure you have the capacity to endure the loneliness that comes from being a mistress to another woman’s husband.
Even though you didn’t mention whether he is married or not, another woman would definitely be in his life. Be sure you understand the condition of not interfering with his marriage or relationship. Appreciate also that he may not always be available when there is an emergency that requires the strength and presence of a male in your life.
Just be sure you will be contented with the kind of life this man offers you.
However, there is nothing as dignifying as finding your own feet. You have to learn to depend on yourself because a time would come when his affection may shift from you entirely. A man who isn’t ready to marry you won’t ever accept pregnancy from you. He will never encourage you to have a child for him. What do you think would happen to this relationship if you get pregnant by accident? Do you think he would be there for you? Chances are he may not be.
The earlier you took the decision to weather the storm of your life alone the better for you.
Trust me, if this man is destined to play more than his current role in your life, it won’t matter a bit if you are still dating or not. He would always be there to help you; you both will always be friends.
Once you get your perspective to life right, you would know what to do about your current situation.
Good luck.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Can oral pill insure our sex life till we wed?
With Auntie Agatha email:gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 09054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for everything you have done for those who run to you with their problems. I am an avid reader of your column. I think now is the time for me to share my own problem, so that I will also benefit from you.
There is this girl I love so much. She is in fact my soul mate. I have never stopped thanking God for making us to know each other. Before I met her, I dated other girls. I have never had the type of love and friendship I have with her with another woman.
She is not just my girlfriend, but also my best friend. She has repeatedly demonstrated her love for me. I have never had reasons to doubt her except once. She told me she was going to study with a classmate of hers. When I rang her that night, she didn’t want to speak loudly, and there was a male voice at the background. She walked away from the voice and went into what I believe was the kitchen of the house and spoke with me from there. Anyway, I didn’t question her then, but I did when she came back. I noticed that she was different when I wanted to make love to her. She seemed afraid and a bit frigid, completely different from the woman who left me to study. My mind still goes back to that incident. I feel she cheated on me that day. Agatha, do you think she cheated on me that day? Moreover, the voice I heard sounded like the voice of a man I know who has never hidden his interest in having her. She later told me that the male voice I heard was the voice of her friend’s boyfriend with whom she told me she was going to study with.
My main concern at the moment is that because of the circumstances of our life, we are not yet ready for marriage. We even live in different countries. But our relationship is still perfect. However, we are often afraid that she may get pregnant. She is too fertile. She sees her period every 24 days. She ovulates less than 10 days after her period. I am always willing to use a condom, but she doesn’t like it. She prefers it without condom. Yet she doesn’t want to go for any artificial birth control method. She says she doesn’t need it since we don’t live in the same country and only have sex whenever we meet.
I am worried that she may get pregnant when we are not ready, and that will throw our plans into jeopardy. She says she is willing to take only the oral pill whenever we have sex, and for that day only. I have told her repeatedly that the oral pill is supposed to be taken daily, and will not work if taken only when one have sex.
Agatha is there any suggestion you have for me. I do not want to get her pregnant because I love her and know that an unplanned pregnancy will destroy the plan she has for her life at the moment.
I know that as a man my life will go on regardless of her pregnancy. It would only mean financial responsibility for me, which I am very capable of at the moment.
I love her so much and want her life to go smoothly, according to her plans for herself. Is there any birth control method that you know is save and efficient, which we can use whenever we are together, that will not need long term planning?
T.
Dear T.,
Since you didn’t question her then about the other man, nothing you do or say would reveal the truth or identity of the voice of the man you heard. Even if you ask her friend, she is most likely to queue behind her friend.
Had you taken the matter up when she got back home and noticed a difference in her attitude when you attempted to make love to her, the truth would have come out then. Time has made the issue cold and given her room to marshal her point.
It would be useless and unnecessary distraction to your relationship if you bring it up now. Frankly, it isn’t worth it since you appear to have forgiven her and moved on from that spot. If true she is into something with this man or another man, you definitely will get your chance of questioning her one-day. This kind of game doesn’t last forever. The truth would eventually come through.
As for her insistence not to go on birth control pills, she must have her reasons as well as the knowledge of her body to avoid pregnancy. I cannot recommend anything because I don’t know her history. What works for one woman may not work as efficiently for another woman, hence cases of failed birth control methods. She has to see a medical expert on the matter.
Besides, she doesn’t have to go on pills. She could use female condoms or internally fixed birth control methods, like coils to prevent pregnancy. Encourage her when both of you are together to visit the nearest family planning clinic nearest you to discuss all the alternatives you have.
There is also the choice of injections too. Birth control methods have gone beyond oral; it is simply a matter of what she wants.
However, it goes beyond you wanting her to be on birth control. It is more of an agreement thing, both of you discussing your future plans. Help her understand that your concern is more for her future than yours; that you want her to be happy and to reach her goals in life.
That as a man, your life would continue whether she is pregnant or not but the same cannot be said of her since she has the responsibility of carrying the baby inside her as well as caring for the baby until the child attains the age of being entrusted to the care of other persons.
Let her also know, you will never support an abortion hence her need to depend on some forms of birth control if both of you are going to be intimate when together.
She could be adamant because you never bothered to explain in details to her your fears. She may think your insistence on her using birth control pills is because you don’t love her enough, hence trying to avoid responsibilities that might come from her getting pregnant.
Except you take the pains to really explain your real fears to her, you might not really get the desired cooperation from her.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for everything you have done for those who run to you with their problems. I am an avid reader of your column. I think now is the time for me to share my own problem, so that I will also benefit from you.
There is this girl I love so much. She is in fact my soul mate. I have never stopped thanking God for making us to know each other. Before I met her, I dated other girls. I have never had the type of love and friendship I have with her with another woman.
She is not just my girlfriend, but also my best friend. She has repeatedly demonstrated her love for me. I have never had reasons to doubt her except once. She told me she was going to study with a classmate of hers. When I rang her that night, she didn’t want to speak loudly, and there was a male voice at the background. She walked away from the voice and went into what I believe was the kitchen of the house and spoke with me from there. Anyway, I didn’t question her then, but I did when she came back. I noticed that she was different when I wanted to make love to her. She seemed afraid and a bit frigid, completely different from the woman who left me to study. My mind still goes back to that incident. I feel she cheated on me that day. Agatha, do you think she cheated on me that day? Moreover, the voice I heard sounded like the voice of a man I know who has never hidden his interest in having her. She later told me that the male voice I heard was the voice of her friend’s boyfriend with whom she told me she was going to study with.
My main concern at the moment is that because of the circumstances of our life, we are not yet ready for marriage. We even live in different countries. But our relationship is still perfect. However, we are often afraid that she may get pregnant. She is too fertile. She sees her period every 24 days. She ovulates less than 10 days after her period. I am always willing to use a condom, but she doesn’t like it. She prefers it without condom. Yet she doesn’t want to go for any artificial birth control method. She says she doesn’t need it since we don’t live in the same country and only have sex whenever we meet.
I am worried that she may get pregnant when we are not ready, and that will throw our plans into jeopardy. She says she is willing to take only the oral pill whenever we have sex, and for that day only. I have told her repeatedly that the oral pill is supposed to be taken daily, and will not work if taken only when one have sex.
Agatha is there any suggestion you have for me. I do not want to get her pregnant because I love her and know that an unplanned pregnancy will destroy the plan she has for her life at the moment.
I know that as a man my life will go on regardless of her pregnancy. It would only mean financial responsibility for me, which I am very capable of at the moment.
I love her so much and want her life to go smoothly, according to her plans for herself. Is there any birth control method that you know is save and efficient, which we can use whenever we are together, that will not need long term planning?
T.
Dear T.,
Since you didn’t question her then about the other man, nothing you do or say would reveal the truth or identity of the voice of the man you heard. Even if you ask her friend, she is most likely to queue behind her friend.
Had you taken the matter up when she got back home and noticed a difference in her attitude when you attempted to make love to her, the truth would have come out then. Time has made the issue cold and given her room to marshal her point.
It would be useless and unnecessary distraction to your relationship if you bring it up now. Frankly, it isn’t worth it since you appear to have forgiven her and moved on from that spot. If true she is into something with this man or another man, you definitely will get your chance of questioning her one-day. This kind of game doesn’t last forever. The truth would eventually come through.
As for her insistence not to go on birth control pills, she must have her reasons as well as the knowledge of her body to avoid pregnancy. I cannot recommend anything because I don’t know her history. What works for one woman may not work as efficiently for another woman, hence cases of failed birth control methods. She has to see a medical expert on the matter.
Besides, she doesn’t have to go on pills. She could use female condoms or internally fixed birth control methods, like coils to prevent pregnancy. Encourage her when both of you are together to visit the nearest family planning clinic nearest you to discuss all the alternatives you have.
There is also the choice of injections too. Birth control methods have gone beyond oral; it is simply a matter of what she wants.
However, it goes beyond you wanting her to be on birth control. It is more of an agreement thing, both of you discussing your future plans. Help her understand that your concern is more for her future than yours; that you want her to be happy and to reach her goals in life.
That as a man, your life would continue whether she is pregnant or not but the same cannot be said of her since she has the responsibility of carrying the baby inside her as well as caring for the baby until the child attains the age of being entrusted to the care of other persons.
Let her also know, you will never support an abortion hence her need to depend on some forms of birth control if both of you are going to be intimate when together.
She could be adamant because you never bothered to explain in details to her your fears. She may think your insistence on her using birth control pills is because you don’t love her enough, hence trying to avoid responsibilities that might come from her getting pregnant.
Except you take the pains to really explain your real fears to her, you might not really get the desired cooperation from her.
Good luck.
Now she pays me casual visit
With Auntie Agatha, email: gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel;08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a girlfriend that took me more than six months to get even though we have been friends before my new interest. As friends, we spent time watching films, chatting, discussing issues together, but all of a sudden her character changed. She no longer visited me the way she used to.
These days, she only comes to my place around 9:30p.m, when returning from her friend’s place and hardly spends five minutes in my place before taking her leave. I think she has gotten someone else and no interested in me.
Chuba
Dear Chuba,
Confront her if you think she is dating someone else, but be careful you don’t have the wrong end of the stick. Chances are if you were wrong you would be destroying the relationship with mistrust even before it has the time to mature.
Even though friendship is a major perquisite, it is always hard for two friends to transit smoothly into a relationship. It is easier for two strangers to develop their relationship into friendship than for two friends to develop their relationship.
This is because things they previously took for granted, as friends would have to change, to avoid hurting each other. For instance, the woman would have to learn to give more respect to the man; no longer would the use of certain words be appropriate or certain associations be permitted.
Such things are usually not planned but just happen if the relationship is to stand the text of time.
She may have noticed that the status of your relationship has brought on a new attitude in you. Most times these changes are not planned for but just happen because the society demands a certain code of behaviour from two people who are dating. The society often than not forces upon couples clear definition of what is expected of each of the genders in the relationship.
If you are sincere, there are certain things you may not be willing to tolerate from her as the man in her life.
Like every relationship she has to situate it properly to get the best from it. She is now learning to know you in a way she has never known you. Before now, she knew you as a friend but the change in your friendship status demands she knows you as the man.
In addition her unease may come from the privilege your change in status gives to you. Whereas as a friend, you could not attempt to touch her body or try to kiss her, as a boyfriend, you now have the freedom to attempt some level of intimacy she may not be favourably disposed to with her.
She simply cannot trust you to act responsibly anymore.
The onus is on you to assure her that irrespective of your feelings for her, she can still count on you to respect her wish to be left alone. Once she gains the assurance that she is save with you, she would become more relaxed with you as before. You just have to show her that she is more save with you than ever before.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a girlfriend that took me more than six months to get even though we have been friends before my new interest. As friends, we spent time watching films, chatting, discussing issues together, but all of a sudden her character changed. She no longer visited me the way she used to.
These days, she only comes to my place around 9:30p.m, when returning from her friend’s place and hardly spends five minutes in my place before taking her leave. I think she has gotten someone else and no interested in me.
Chuba
Dear Chuba,
Confront her if you think she is dating someone else, but be careful you don’t have the wrong end of the stick. Chances are if you were wrong you would be destroying the relationship with mistrust even before it has the time to mature.
Even though friendship is a major perquisite, it is always hard for two friends to transit smoothly into a relationship. It is easier for two strangers to develop their relationship into friendship than for two friends to develop their relationship.
This is because things they previously took for granted, as friends would have to change, to avoid hurting each other. For instance, the woman would have to learn to give more respect to the man; no longer would the use of certain words be appropriate or certain associations be permitted.
Such things are usually not planned but just happen if the relationship is to stand the text of time.
She may have noticed that the status of your relationship has brought on a new attitude in you. Most times these changes are not planned for but just happen because the society demands a certain code of behaviour from two people who are dating. The society often than not forces upon couples clear definition of what is expected of each of the genders in the relationship.
If you are sincere, there are certain things you may not be willing to tolerate from her as the man in her life.
Like every relationship she has to situate it properly to get the best from it. She is now learning to know you in a way she has never known you. Before now, she knew you as a friend but the change in your friendship status demands she knows you as the man.
In addition her unease may come from the privilege your change in status gives to you. Whereas as a friend, you could not attempt to touch her body or try to kiss her, as a boyfriend, you now have the freedom to attempt some level of intimacy she may not be favourably disposed to with her.
She simply cannot trust you to act responsibly anymore.
The onus is on you to assure her that irrespective of your feelings for her, she can still count on you to respect her wish to be left alone. Once she gains the assurance that she is save with you, she would become more relaxed with you as before. You just have to show her that she is more save with you than ever before.
Good luck.
Monday, May 2, 2011
She’s too stingy, so I masturbate…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I thank you for the incisive way you treat problems. Hope mine will not be an exception. I am a 26-year-old undergraduate in my final year. My problem has to do with the attitude of my girlfriend who is of the same age with me.
I love and cherish this girl so much but she hardly gives me attention. I am the one always calling and sending her text messages, and she hardly replies these messages. As a matter of fact she only beeps me once in two months.
It isn’t a matter of her not having money to buy credit, because she at least works. Besides we don’t reside in the same location.
I have made enough sacrifices in terms of showing her true love since we started two years ago.
Once I tried having sex with her but when she declined, I haven’t bothered her since. All we do is to kiss. To satisfy my sexual desires, I masturbate. My intention is to get married to this girl as soon as I finish schooling.
But since she isn’t giving me the attentions I desire, should I part ways with her and continue with my masturbation habit until I find someone who cares for me?
Confused EJ.
Dear Confused EJ,
Being age mates with you, so many things combine to make her appears cold towards you. These are fundamental issues, but which she obviously doesn’t want to discuss with you.
At 26, she is itching towards that important age most women begin to take serious the issue of their life partners, when they begin to sieve the wheat from the chaff. Being of the same age with her, you may not have much to offer her now especially as you are still in school while she is already working.
You still have one year of service as well as one or two years to be psychologically ready that is if you already have a promised job. If you are going to join the thousands who have already graduated for years still looking for the few jobs around, then it may take longer than that for you to be ready.
Add all these years to her current age and you will discover that by that time you would be in her 30s. This is obviously a risk she doesn’t want to take with you.
She may find you very amicable and loving, but all these don’t count as important to a woman desperate to marry. It isn’t you she is rejecting, but the circumstances surrounding your person.
Don’t get me wrong; this has nothing to do with money but with the reality on the ground. If you were through with education and only contending with the difficulties of looking for a job, it would be more appealing to her.
She may also be worried about your eventual reaction to the issue of her age. Should she brave the odds to stick it out with you, what guarantees does she have that you would not find her too old for you when you are settled and have the opportunity of attracting the interest of a younger female?
It could also be a case of your maturity or attitude. Both of you may be age mates, but being a woman her thinking and attitude would definitely be more matured than yours. It is a natural thing; women mature in their thinking and attitude faster than a man of their age.
As the man, you should make out time to talk to her. Pre-empt her questions and worries because like I said these are worries she may not want to share with you.
By initiating the discussions and addressing issues she didn’t want to discuss with you, you give her the chance to really open up on those things bothering her about a full-scale relationship with you. It would also give you a clear clue on how to tackle some things you have been worrying yourself over.
It would also give you two the chance to talk about your future, plan and concretise certain things. For instance, both of you may decide that it is best for you to go into business once you graduate rather than waste precious time on searching for a job.
You may have been together for two years, but you both haven’t gotten past the kindergarten stage in this relationship. It is time you discussed as two matured people dating and not like secondary school students who are scared of advertising their relationships.
At 26, both of you are matured enough to know what you are into. By taking time out to talk about it, you throw open all the options available to you.
As for the issue of masturbation, it isn’t an alternative to you having intimacy with a woman. It is a habit you must strive to outgrow before you begin to think of marriage.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I thank you for the incisive way you treat problems. Hope mine will not be an exception. I am a 26-year-old undergraduate in my final year. My problem has to do with the attitude of my girlfriend who is of the same age with me.
I love and cherish this girl so much but she hardly gives me attention. I am the one always calling and sending her text messages, and she hardly replies these messages. As a matter of fact she only beeps me once in two months.
It isn’t a matter of her not having money to buy credit, because she at least works. Besides we don’t reside in the same location.
I have made enough sacrifices in terms of showing her true love since we started two years ago.
Once I tried having sex with her but when she declined, I haven’t bothered her since. All we do is to kiss. To satisfy my sexual desires, I masturbate. My intention is to get married to this girl as soon as I finish schooling.
But since she isn’t giving me the attentions I desire, should I part ways with her and continue with my masturbation habit until I find someone who cares for me?
Confused EJ.
Dear Confused EJ,
Being age mates with you, so many things combine to make her appears cold towards you. These are fundamental issues, but which she obviously doesn’t want to discuss with you.
At 26, she is itching towards that important age most women begin to take serious the issue of their life partners, when they begin to sieve the wheat from the chaff. Being of the same age with her, you may not have much to offer her now especially as you are still in school while she is already working.
You still have one year of service as well as one or two years to be psychologically ready that is if you already have a promised job. If you are going to join the thousands who have already graduated for years still looking for the few jobs around, then it may take longer than that for you to be ready.
Add all these years to her current age and you will discover that by that time you would be in her 30s. This is obviously a risk she doesn’t want to take with you.
She may find you very amicable and loving, but all these don’t count as important to a woman desperate to marry. It isn’t you she is rejecting, but the circumstances surrounding your person.
Don’t get me wrong; this has nothing to do with money but with the reality on the ground. If you were through with education and only contending with the difficulties of looking for a job, it would be more appealing to her.
She may also be worried about your eventual reaction to the issue of her age. Should she brave the odds to stick it out with you, what guarantees does she have that you would not find her too old for you when you are settled and have the opportunity of attracting the interest of a younger female?
It could also be a case of your maturity or attitude. Both of you may be age mates, but being a woman her thinking and attitude would definitely be more matured than yours. It is a natural thing; women mature in their thinking and attitude faster than a man of their age.
As the man, you should make out time to talk to her. Pre-empt her questions and worries because like I said these are worries she may not want to share with you.
By initiating the discussions and addressing issues she didn’t want to discuss with you, you give her the chance to really open up on those things bothering her about a full-scale relationship with you. It would also give you a clear clue on how to tackle some things you have been worrying yourself over.
It would also give you two the chance to talk about your future, plan and concretise certain things. For instance, both of you may decide that it is best for you to go into business once you graduate rather than waste precious time on searching for a job.
You may have been together for two years, but you both haven’t gotten past the kindergarten stage in this relationship. It is time you discussed as two matured people dating and not like secondary school students who are scared of advertising their relationships.
At 26, both of you are matured enough to know what you are into. By taking time out to talk about it, you throw open all the options available to you.
As for the issue of masturbation, it isn’t an alternative to you having intimacy with a woman. It is a habit you must strive to outgrow before you begin to think of marriage.
Good luck.
Yet my AS son wants his AS girl for keep…
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the good work you are doing, more power to your elbow.
I write this letter to seek your advice on what to do as I am presently in a state of confusion.
My son brought home a ladywhom he introduced to me as his fiancée, I took to her easily, but upon careful and calculated questioning, I discovered that the lady is AS. The same genotype as my son, this is where the dilemma sets in.
I have advised them both on the fact that though they may love themselves, they cannot get married as the chances of bearing a SS genotype baby is evident and the pain and suffering they would be subjecting the innocent child to, I think, is going to be enormous.
My son refused and has even picked up a quarrel with me on ‘not wanting his happiness’. He even tried to convince me that all I needed to do was to pray for them as a pastor has prayed for them and told them to ‘have faith’ and they would have SS free children!
I am deeply affected because I know what it means to see a loved one suffer from Sickle Cell and eventually die. I do not know what to do anymore as all my advice and appeal have fallen on his deaf ears. I am a Christian and I know the Bible says we should not tempt God. I feel this is what my son is doing.
No one should make such mistakes in this age and time, and to think they are both educated makes it more appalling. I really don’t know what to do again. Please advise me on what to do.
Concerned Mother.
Dear Concerned Mother,
Frankly, at this stage, the chances of your son listening to the voice of reason are very slim. When people think they are in love, it is always very difficult for them to accept the voice of reason, no matter how well meaning the voice is. Besides, he is very suspicious of your reason for wanting him to drop the woman he appears to love the most in his life. He probably thinks you are hiding under the guise of this medical problem to force him into abandoning this lady.
Your motive is suspicious to him because it concerns his love for another woman. Suddenly you are no more his mother, but a jealous mother-in-law to the woman he wants to marry. For this reason, you have to be very careful how hard you push him to avoid losing him altogether.
From experience, I have learnt to pray for assistance from God in matters like this. For reasons best known to the young, when issues like this come up, the advice of their parents is the least they are likely to accept. Being his mother, he suspects you of ulterior motive, of not liking his choice and of you wanting to control him by forcing him to do your bidding.
Bear in mind that he doesn’t have the experiences you have, don’t know what it is like to suffer helplessly at the sight of one’s child dying a slow death or constantly living in fear that the child may die one day. No, he and his girlfriend don’t know what it is like to feel guilty at bringing into the world a child that shouldn’t have been born in the first place.
They don’t know that such pressures brought from guilt of bringing an SS child into the world could kill the love they have now. The issue of their genotype isn’t the problem as far as they are concerned; you and your so-called experiences are! To them the pastor has said it is okay and as far as they are concerned that is enough for them.
They cannot imagine it now because they are so young and filled with rose-coloured ideas of what tomorrow holds.
The solution is to change your attitude. Befriend his woman. Let her know that much as you love her as a daughter, reality demands that they know what they are about to do to their love. It might require you take her to see a doctor or visit a family that has a Sickle Cell child or crisis child in the hospital. Nothing has the power to communicate reality like being faced with a real situation of a crisis. By the time she gets close to a family with a Sickle Cell child, see the pains and hopelessness when the child is in crisis, experience first hand the pains the child goes through as well as the constant medical requirements something in her would begin to think the other way.
Without them facing the reality of what they are about to enter into as well as the cost of the choice they have to make, they will never listen to you and continue to see you as their enemy. She must be made to understand through these real life experiences that there are some situations that love isn’t just enough to get a marriage going.
By the time she realises that your concern is more for their happiness and not because you hate her she would be the one telling your son to reconsider their plans to marry.
As a woman, she is most likely to see reasons with you because she would invariably be the one to suffer more of the emotional pains. Don’t stop praying for them. They need your prayers more than they realise.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate the good work you are doing, more power to your elbow.
I write this letter to seek your advice on what to do as I am presently in a state of confusion.
My son brought home a ladywhom he introduced to me as his fiancée, I took to her easily, but upon careful and calculated questioning, I discovered that the lady is AS. The same genotype as my son, this is where the dilemma sets in.
I have advised them both on the fact that though they may love themselves, they cannot get married as the chances of bearing a SS genotype baby is evident and the pain and suffering they would be subjecting the innocent child to, I think, is going to be enormous.
My son refused and has even picked up a quarrel with me on ‘not wanting his happiness’. He even tried to convince me that all I needed to do was to pray for them as a pastor has prayed for them and told them to ‘have faith’ and they would have SS free children!
I am deeply affected because I know what it means to see a loved one suffer from Sickle Cell and eventually die. I do not know what to do anymore as all my advice and appeal have fallen on his deaf ears. I am a Christian and I know the Bible says we should not tempt God. I feel this is what my son is doing.
No one should make such mistakes in this age and time, and to think they are both educated makes it more appalling. I really don’t know what to do again. Please advise me on what to do.
Concerned Mother.
Dear Concerned Mother,
Frankly, at this stage, the chances of your son listening to the voice of reason are very slim. When people think they are in love, it is always very difficult for them to accept the voice of reason, no matter how well meaning the voice is. Besides, he is very suspicious of your reason for wanting him to drop the woman he appears to love the most in his life. He probably thinks you are hiding under the guise of this medical problem to force him into abandoning this lady.
Your motive is suspicious to him because it concerns his love for another woman. Suddenly you are no more his mother, but a jealous mother-in-law to the woman he wants to marry. For this reason, you have to be very careful how hard you push him to avoid losing him altogether.
From experience, I have learnt to pray for assistance from God in matters like this. For reasons best known to the young, when issues like this come up, the advice of their parents is the least they are likely to accept. Being his mother, he suspects you of ulterior motive, of not liking his choice and of you wanting to control him by forcing him to do your bidding.
Bear in mind that he doesn’t have the experiences you have, don’t know what it is like to suffer helplessly at the sight of one’s child dying a slow death or constantly living in fear that the child may die one day. No, he and his girlfriend don’t know what it is like to feel guilty at bringing into the world a child that shouldn’t have been born in the first place.
They don’t know that such pressures brought from guilt of bringing an SS child into the world could kill the love they have now. The issue of their genotype isn’t the problem as far as they are concerned; you and your so-called experiences are! To them the pastor has said it is okay and as far as they are concerned that is enough for them.
They cannot imagine it now because they are so young and filled with rose-coloured ideas of what tomorrow holds.
The solution is to change your attitude. Befriend his woman. Let her know that much as you love her as a daughter, reality demands that they know what they are about to do to their love. It might require you take her to see a doctor or visit a family that has a Sickle Cell child or crisis child in the hospital. Nothing has the power to communicate reality like being faced with a real situation of a crisis. By the time she gets close to a family with a Sickle Cell child, see the pains and hopelessness when the child is in crisis, experience first hand the pains the child goes through as well as the constant medical requirements something in her would begin to think the other way.
Without them facing the reality of what they are about to enter into as well as the cost of the choice they have to make, they will never listen to you and continue to see you as their enemy. She must be made to understand through these real life experiences that there are some situations that love isn’t just enough to get a marriage going.
By the time she realises that your concern is more for their happiness and not because you hate her she would be the one telling your son to reconsider their plans to marry.
As a woman, she is most likely to see reasons with you because she would invariably be the one to suffer more of the emotional pains. Don’t stop praying for them. They need your prayers more than they realise.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Guys boo me for having no girl…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You have been very wonderful in the handling of your column. May God bless you.
I am a Christian guy in my mid, an undergraduate and also sings very well. I have never spoken to any lady concerning love. I don’t know what is responsible for this despite having ladies as friends in school, church and in places where I work.
Until recently, I didn’t see it as a problem, but when my friends started calling me all sorts of names I began to see it as such. Knowing I would one day get married doesn’t seem enough encouragement for me anymore.
Deep down I know I am not ready as well. Please Agatha, tell me what to do because the issue is sincerely becoming a nightmare for me.
Bode.
Dear Bode,
One important lesson you should learn in life if you hope to succeed is to be your own person at all times. To do it right, you would have to develop the will and tough skin to ignore the opinion of others about you as well as resist the temptation of allowing the behaviour of others around you to change you from your ways.
Once you are able to get through this challenge, you are on your way to success. Your friends have a right to their opinions and ways; you have a right to your life and decisions. You are not them; they are not you. To attempt to be like them is to cause a dislocation in your own destiny and dreams.
If you are not ready to go into any relationship, don’t allow anyone or friends pressurise you into it. The fact that you are not ready to go into any relationship doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your ability to get on with members of the opposite sex, underscores the fact that you are not adverse to female company. A man who opposed to female company would do everything to completely avoid being close to any woman.
For now, it appears you are not just ready to be more than a friend to a woman. You are contented with your music as well as your spirituality.
Because life is in stages, a time would come when all these things you have crowded into your life would not be enough for you anymore; when you would want from a particular woman more than friendship, when love would come knocking on the door of your heart.
Also there is the issue of one’s time. That your friends are ripe and ready for the fun of relationship doesn’t mean you are. Physically, you may appear to be but may not be ready emotionally. And until you are ready psychologically, you will end up with more heartbreak than you can cope with.
The success of a relationship is not measured by how long but how well. Yes, experience matters so much in life, but it also depends on the kind of experiences your friends are getting in their relationships.
Besides, if you are smart, you could learn a lot about the behaviour and attitude of women from your female friends. Because they are your friends, they won’t hide anything from you, giving you the rare opportunity to observe and study the ways of the average woman closely.
This would no doubt help you in no small way in your relationship when you are ready.
If these friends are beginning to make you very uncomfortable, you have the liberty of avoiding them. Friends come into one’s life to give encouragement, support and ideas. For a partner or friendship to strive, there must be mutual respect and understanding. Once friends begin to manifest a behaviour that suggest they are not ready to respect each other’s feelings, mock in the place of understanding each other’s behaviour, then there is a problem of definition of what that particular friendship stands for.
If others are calling your names behind you, it is the duty of your friends to rally round you even if they agree with your critics secretly. The role of a friend is not to bully but to gently point his friend into the right direction.
Nobody has the right to make your life a nightmare just because you opted to be friends with such persons.
Friendship is optional. Don’t endure a bad friendship for whatsoever reason. And don’t rush into something you know you are not yet prepared for. When your time is ripe, it would happen effortlessly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
You have been very wonderful in the handling of your column. May God bless you.
I am a Christian guy in my mid, an undergraduate and also sings very well. I have never spoken to any lady concerning love. I don’t know what is responsible for this despite having ladies as friends in school, church and in places where I work.
Until recently, I didn’t see it as a problem, but when my friends started calling me all sorts of names I began to see it as such. Knowing I would one day get married doesn’t seem enough encouragement for me anymore.
Deep down I know I am not ready as well. Please Agatha, tell me what to do because the issue is sincerely becoming a nightmare for me.
Bode.
Dear Bode,
One important lesson you should learn in life if you hope to succeed is to be your own person at all times. To do it right, you would have to develop the will and tough skin to ignore the opinion of others about you as well as resist the temptation of allowing the behaviour of others around you to change you from your ways.
Once you are able to get through this challenge, you are on your way to success. Your friends have a right to their opinions and ways; you have a right to your life and decisions. You are not them; they are not you. To attempt to be like them is to cause a dislocation in your own destiny and dreams.
If you are not ready to go into any relationship, don’t allow anyone or friends pressurise you into it. The fact that you are not ready to go into any relationship doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Your ability to get on with members of the opposite sex, underscores the fact that you are not adverse to female company. A man who opposed to female company would do everything to completely avoid being close to any woman.
For now, it appears you are not just ready to be more than a friend to a woman. You are contented with your music as well as your spirituality.
Because life is in stages, a time would come when all these things you have crowded into your life would not be enough for you anymore; when you would want from a particular woman more than friendship, when love would come knocking on the door of your heart.
Also there is the issue of one’s time. That your friends are ripe and ready for the fun of relationship doesn’t mean you are. Physically, you may appear to be but may not be ready emotionally. And until you are ready psychologically, you will end up with more heartbreak than you can cope with.
The success of a relationship is not measured by how long but how well. Yes, experience matters so much in life, but it also depends on the kind of experiences your friends are getting in their relationships.
Besides, if you are smart, you could learn a lot about the behaviour and attitude of women from your female friends. Because they are your friends, they won’t hide anything from you, giving you the rare opportunity to observe and study the ways of the average woman closely.
This would no doubt help you in no small way in your relationship when you are ready.
If these friends are beginning to make you very uncomfortable, you have the liberty of avoiding them. Friends come into one’s life to give encouragement, support and ideas. For a partner or friendship to strive, there must be mutual respect and understanding. Once friends begin to manifest a behaviour that suggest they are not ready to respect each other’s feelings, mock in the place of understanding each other’s behaviour, then there is a problem of definition of what that particular friendship stands for.
If others are calling your names behind you, it is the duty of your friends to rally round you even if they agree with your critics secretly. The role of a friend is not to bully but to gently point his friend into the right direction.
Nobody has the right to make your life a nightmare just because you opted to be friends with such persons.
Friendship is optional. Don’t endure a bad friendship for whatsoever reason. And don’t rush into something you know you are not yet prepared for. When your time is ripe, it would happen effortlessly.
Good luck.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Hard telling my osu girl we can’t marry
with Auntie Agatha. email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by commending your selfless efforts.
Before I travelled out there was this lady I dated for two years. We were so much in love but problem started when my parents found out about our relationship.
It was easy for them to investigate her because we happen to come from the same town. They found out that her family is Osu.
My mum instantly withdrew her support for the relationship and forbade me from marrying her. I had already discussed my plans with her. Naturally, the whole family backed up my mother.
Since I didn’t believe in such outdated traditions more so because of the emotional pains it has caused so many young men and women from my part of the country, it was very difficult for me to cope.
It’s been very difficult for me to recover from. It has been three years now since that incident. I didn’t have the courage to tell her of my family’s opposition. And since I had to travel almost immediately, it was easy. We have been in touch with each other since I came here.
But since I don’t want to go into a marriage my whole family will not support let alone attending, I want to put an end to her dreams about us spending our lives together. I just want her as a friend. I have tried not to call her so that she can look for someone else but it isn’t working at all because she keeps calling me. Now, she just got admission to the university and needs assistance. She called to inform me about it. I don’t know what to do because if I keep supporting her, she will never be able to get me off her system and I don’t want to disappoint any woman.
Furthermore, I am planning to visit home at the end of this year to explore the possibility of finding another woman I would be able to marry.
Though I met one lady through the Facebook, I seemed to have fallen in love with her. I call her everyday on the phone. Please advise me on both issues if I am doing the right thing or not because I need to be focused now before I fritter all my youthful years dating white women.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
The issue of Osu is something your people are very passionate if not fanatical about. To go against the norm of your people, you must be very strong willed and ready to give up everything to begin an entirely new life with your wife.
Because we all live in a heterogeneous society, one where we would always have one reason to interact with our family members, you have to make up your mind on how far you can go without speaking with your mother especially.
Even though I don’t support cultural apartheid, belief in the rights of everyone, wisdom demands that you should think deeply about the stance of your family. It would take more than love for this marriage to work; it would take absolute dedication, unwavering commitment and sacrifice for you to keep it going because you won’t stop experiencing discrimination from everybody in your community. Your friends too who consider themselves freeborn would along the line hurt you in their attempts to put customs before friendship.
The frustration of being rejected almost by everybody is bound to put a lot of strain on your marriage. Tempers would eventually fly as you especially, struggle with your inner self on the wisdom of you marrying her. If she turns out to be less than perfect, you will never be at peace with yourself.
The bottom line is your strength as a man and from your line of argument; it is obvious that you lack the guts to take on your family and the culture of your people. The fair thing is for you to tell this young lady the whole truth about your relationship, family and your planned future together.
Giving her false hope long after your family has told you to quit the relationship isn’t right. If you had told her three years ago, given her the choice of continuing with you or not, by now she would have made up her mind on what to do.
To delay further is to cause her more pains. Do both of you a big favour by coming out and telling her the truth. Not taking her calls or finding someone else won’t totally wash away the problem created by your cultural values in your relationship with this lady.
Besides, you owe it to this lady you have dated for five years explanation on why you are taking a walk away from it all. It would be cowardly of you to hide under the scent of disagreement you are purposely cooking to end it all. Life doesn’t work that way.
For now, don’t expect her to agree to friendship from you. In a way she would feel betrayed by you if she gets to know that for three years, you have deceived her to stay in a relationship you know is no longer viable to you.
Having made up your mind to be of help to her, assist her with whatever you can afford because the issue here is her education. Chances are if she doesn’t get help, she might drop out or go into habits that you would end up in her destruction. If your assistance is clearly defined, not given because you want to marry her but as a friend who desires her success in life, she won’t misinterpret it.
On the issue of your Facebook girlfriend; look before you leap. If she is from your area, be sure she isn’t considered a social outcast by your culture. Also, be sure you know the person you are falling in love with. Granted, love can happen in unexpected places but sustaining it is the difficult part. It’s unfortunate to fall in love with an image rather than a person, because regrets always follow.
Rather than proclaiming love, first fall in friendship. Get all the information you need about her, her life, family, friends and interests. Create time out to meet in person, discuss and see what the future holds. True love is usually the last to happen. It grows with our knowledge of who the other person is, as the wrappers fall from the package.
This lady is just like a wrapped gift. What you are seeing now is the attraction of the wrapper; to fall in love with a gift wrapper is to trivialise the meaning of love. The substance is in what is inside the wrapper.
Don’t allow the lesson of your first experience go down the drain. Remember that you were once very much in love with your first girlfriend, but it wasn’t enough to protect your relationship from the tyranny of your culture.
There are some behaviours and attitudes worse than the culture you speak of. Who is this woman you are falling in love with? Can you defend her credibility with your eyes closed and your heartbeats at normal rate when an occasion calls for it? This is why you should approach any Internet relationship with caution irrespective of whether it would work or not.
There is also the issue of you wrapping up your outstanding business with your first girlfriend before moving on into something else with another person. Be sure, there is nothing between you and this woman again, that she understands your constraints in this matter.
You should enter into your next relationship with a clear mind.
It would equally pay you if you pray earnestly for God’s direction. The issue of marriage is a lot more serious than most people think.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by commending your selfless efforts.
Before I travelled out there was this lady I dated for two years. We were so much in love but problem started when my parents found out about our relationship.
It was easy for them to investigate her because we happen to come from the same town. They found out that her family is Osu.
My mum instantly withdrew her support for the relationship and forbade me from marrying her. I had already discussed my plans with her. Naturally, the whole family backed up my mother.
Since I didn’t believe in such outdated traditions more so because of the emotional pains it has caused so many young men and women from my part of the country, it was very difficult for me to cope.
It’s been very difficult for me to recover from. It has been three years now since that incident. I didn’t have the courage to tell her of my family’s opposition. And since I had to travel almost immediately, it was easy. We have been in touch with each other since I came here.
But since I don’t want to go into a marriage my whole family will not support let alone attending, I want to put an end to her dreams about us spending our lives together. I just want her as a friend. I have tried not to call her so that she can look for someone else but it isn’t working at all because she keeps calling me. Now, she just got admission to the university and needs assistance. She called to inform me about it. I don’t know what to do because if I keep supporting her, she will never be able to get me off her system and I don’t want to disappoint any woman.
Furthermore, I am planning to visit home at the end of this year to explore the possibility of finding another woman I would be able to marry.
Though I met one lady through the Facebook, I seemed to have fallen in love with her. I call her everyday on the phone. Please advise me on both issues if I am doing the right thing or not because I need to be focused now before I fritter all my youthful years dating white women.
Larry.
Dear Larry,
The issue of Osu is something your people are very passionate if not fanatical about. To go against the norm of your people, you must be very strong willed and ready to give up everything to begin an entirely new life with your wife.
Because we all live in a heterogeneous society, one where we would always have one reason to interact with our family members, you have to make up your mind on how far you can go without speaking with your mother especially.
Even though I don’t support cultural apartheid, belief in the rights of everyone, wisdom demands that you should think deeply about the stance of your family. It would take more than love for this marriage to work; it would take absolute dedication, unwavering commitment and sacrifice for you to keep it going because you won’t stop experiencing discrimination from everybody in your community. Your friends too who consider themselves freeborn would along the line hurt you in their attempts to put customs before friendship.
The frustration of being rejected almost by everybody is bound to put a lot of strain on your marriage. Tempers would eventually fly as you especially, struggle with your inner self on the wisdom of you marrying her. If she turns out to be less than perfect, you will never be at peace with yourself.
The bottom line is your strength as a man and from your line of argument; it is obvious that you lack the guts to take on your family and the culture of your people. The fair thing is for you to tell this young lady the whole truth about your relationship, family and your planned future together.
Giving her false hope long after your family has told you to quit the relationship isn’t right. If you had told her three years ago, given her the choice of continuing with you or not, by now she would have made up her mind on what to do.
To delay further is to cause her more pains. Do both of you a big favour by coming out and telling her the truth. Not taking her calls or finding someone else won’t totally wash away the problem created by your cultural values in your relationship with this lady.
Besides, you owe it to this lady you have dated for five years explanation on why you are taking a walk away from it all. It would be cowardly of you to hide under the scent of disagreement you are purposely cooking to end it all. Life doesn’t work that way.
For now, don’t expect her to agree to friendship from you. In a way she would feel betrayed by you if she gets to know that for three years, you have deceived her to stay in a relationship you know is no longer viable to you.
Having made up your mind to be of help to her, assist her with whatever you can afford because the issue here is her education. Chances are if she doesn’t get help, she might drop out or go into habits that you would end up in her destruction. If your assistance is clearly defined, not given because you want to marry her but as a friend who desires her success in life, she won’t misinterpret it.
On the issue of your Facebook girlfriend; look before you leap. If she is from your area, be sure she isn’t considered a social outcast by your culture. Also, be sure you know the person you are falling in love with. Granted, love can happen in unexpected places but sustaining it is the difficult part. It’s unfortunate to fall in love with an image rather than a person, because regrets always follow.
Rather than proclaiming love, first fall in friendship. Get all the information you need about her, her life, family, friends and interests. Create time out to meet in person, discuss and see what the future holds. True love is usually the last to happen. It grows with our knowledge of who the other person is, as the wrappers fall from the package.
This lady is just like a wrapped gift. What you are seeing now is the attraction of the wrapper; to fall in love with a gift wrapper is to trivialise the meaning of love. The substance is in what is inside the wrapper.
Don’t allow the lesson of your first experience go down the drain. Remember that you were once very much in love with your first girlfriend, but it wasn’t enough to protect your relationship from the tyranny of your culture.
There are some behaviours and attitudes worse than the culture you speak of. Who is this woman you are falling in love with? Can you defend her credibility with your eyes closed and your heartbeats at normal rate when an occasion calls for it? This is why you should approach any Internet relationship with caution irrespective of whether it would work or not.
There is also the issue of you wrapping up your outstanding business with your first girlfriend before moving on into something else with another person. Be sure, there is nothing between you and this woman again, that she understands your constraints in this matter.
You should enter into your next relationship with a clear mind.
It would equally pay you if you pray earnestly for God’s direction. The issue of marriage is a lot more serious than most people think.
Good luck.
I want his focus on me alone…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your good work. I am a regular reader of your column and I thank God for His Knowledge and Understanding He has bestowed on you. I really enjoy your good and knowledgeable answers. The more reason I decided to write you.
I am about to go into the higher institution called “marriage”. I love my spouse and he loves me too. I don’t want to lose him to another woman. Please help me with tips on how to keep his eyes on me and me alone.
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
A woman, who cares, pampers and respects her husband, will always get his attention and support any day. Even if such a man strays, he would always come back home because no other woman would ever measure up to his wife.
Every man needs a little bit of his mother, friend, favourite sister or auntie, confidant and cheerleader in his wife. This is why it takes more than sex to make a marriage work.
From experience most marriages begin to have problems when the woman refuses to recognise that it takes a lot more than being a wife to make a marriage work. A woman, who restricts herself to the functional role of just being a wife, ends up courting trouble for herself and marriage. For your marriage to work, you must go beyond the limits of a wife. You have to adopt your man as your first child; give him attention even when he appears not to appreciate it.
Ensure he gets his meals on time, he is healthy, has clean clothes to wear, eat well-cooked home made meals, give him a listening ear when he comes home, has a well made and clean bed to sleep on, tell him little stories of how special he makes you; this is a good massage for his ego. Every man, no matter his age and disposition, has an ego that needs massaging. You must devote quality time to ensuring this ego of his get good massage through compliments and humility on your part.
No matter how well positioned you are, how much you earn or how fortunate you get as a woman, learn to be submissive as a wife. It doesn’t take too much effort to get a man to do a woman’s bidding if she knows how to package herself well.
A woman doesn’t have to engage in any fetish practice to get her man eating out of her hands nor does she have to nag or shout to be in control of her home. What a woman cannot get through shouting and nagging her husband, she would get effortlessly through respect and humility.
Before going into this marriage, be sure of what you want and stick to it. Don’t involve friends who would mock your attempts at building a good home. A lot of time, problems come when women listen to jaundiced views of some women who claim equal rights with men. Keep feminism out of your marriage at all cost. Not every man can tolerate a woman challenging or questioning his authority as a man. As a matter of fact, it is one of the reasons men stray. Men usually want to be in charge.
If you want your home to succeed, recognise the leadership of your man. There is no way two captains can effectively man a boat. One has to step down for one to take complete command of the boat. At home, you must step down as the woman for the man to be in control. Even if you are the breadwinner, don’t ever act it. As a matter of fact it is the time for any sensible woman to be more obedient to her man.
Also, you must learn to play the politics of the heart. Before he became your husband, he was son to a woman and brother to other women. You must from the very beginning factor the interests of these women into your marital journey. It would be a miscalculation if you think you have the advantage over him because you are his wife. No matter how difficult your mother-in-law turns out to be, for the sake of your husband be nice to her, at least, for the simple reason that you would one day be in her position. This way you would protect your marriage and husband from the wear and tear that come from you and his mother fighting.
By cultivating the attitude of dialogue, you build into your marriage a gateway of open communication to help your marriage during marital draught. You must at all times be able to get through to your man; it is the only way to earn his trust and confidence to share his thoughts, worries and plans with you.
Learn also to be fashionable, and not fashion crazy. But it pays to look good else he would have an excuse to look elsewhere.
Above all, a wise woman fights her marital battles on her knees. Always put God first in whatever you do.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
God’s blessing be upon you for your good work. I am a regular reader of your column and I thank God for His Knowledge and Understanding He has bestowed on you. I really enjoy your good and knowledgeable answers. The more reason I decided to write you.
I am about to go into the higher institution called “marriage”. I love my spouse and he loves me too. I don’t want to lose him to another woman. Please help me with tips on how to keep his eyes on me and me alone.
Worried Mind.
Dear Worried Mind,
A woman, who cares, pampers and respects her husband, will always get his attention and support any day. Even if such a man strays, he would always come back home because no other woman would ever measure up to his wife.
Every man needs a little bit of his mother, friend, favourite sister or auntie, confidant and cheerleader in his wife. This is why it takes more than sex to make a marriage work.
From experience most marriages begin to have problems when the woman refuses to recognise that it takes a lot more than being a wife to make a marriage work. A woman, who restricts herself to the functional role of just being a wife, ends up courting trouble for herself and marriage. For your marriage to work, you must go beyond the limits of a wife. You have to adopt your man as your first child; give him attention even when he appears not to appreciate it.
Ensure he gets his meals on time, he is healthy, has clean clothes to wear, eat well-cooked home made meals, give him a listening ear when he comes home, has a well made and clean bed to sleep on, tell him little stories of how special he makes you; this is a good massage for his ego. Every man, no matter his age and disposition, has an ego that needs massaging. You must devote quality time to ensuring this ego of his get good massage through compliments and humility on your part.
No matter how well positioned you are, how much you earn or how fortunate you get as a woman, learn to be submissive as a wife. It doesn’t take too much effort to get a man to do a woman’s bidding if she knows how to package herself well.
A woman doesn’t have to engage in any fetish practice to get her man eating out of her hands nor does she have to nag or shout to be in control of her home. What a woman cannot get through shouting and nagging her husband, she would get effortlessly through respect and humility.
Before going into this marriage, be sure of what you want and stick to it. Don’t involve friends who would mock your attempts at building a good home. A lot of time, problems come when women listen to jaundiced views of some women who claim equal rights with men. Keep feminism out of your marriage at all cost. Not every man can tolerate a woman challenging or questioning his authority as a man. As a matter of fact, it is one of the reasons men stray. Men usually want to be in charge.
If you want your home to succeed, recognise the leadership of your man. There is no way two captains can effectively man a boat. One has to step down for one to take complete command of the boat. At home, you must step down as the woman for the man to be in control. Even if you are the breadwinner, don’t ever act it. As a matter of fact it is the time for any sensible woman to be more obedient to her man.
Also, you must learn to play the politics of the heart. Before he became your husband, he was son to a woman and brother to other women. You must from the very beginning factor the interests of these women into your marital journey. It would be a miscalculation if you think you have the advantage over him because you are his wife. No matter how difficult your mother-in-law turns out to be, for the sake of your husband be nice to her, at least, for the simple reason that you would one day be in her position. This way you would protect your marriage and husband from the wear and tear that come from you and his mother fighting.
By cultivating the attitude of dialogue, you build into your marriage a gateway of open communication to help your marriage during marital draught. You must at all times be able to get through to your man; it is the only way to earn his trust and confidence to share his thoughts, worries and plans with you.
Learn also to be fashionable, and not fashion crazy. But it pays to look good else he would have an excuse to look elsewhere.
Above all, a wise woman fights her marital battles on her knees. Always put God first in whatever you do.
Good luck.
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