Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am currently in a bit of a mess concerning my marriage and relationship.
Before my current situation and relocation to United Kingdom, I had a relationship with this lady from Delta State. I had gone to the extent of introducing this lady to my parents and immediate family members as the lady I had wanted to marry.
My mother opposed because the lady wasn’t from our tribe and came from humble background. I stood my grounds.
Contrary to what I expected, she stood by me even when things were very tough and rough for me. But when it got to a point where I was just not relevant to her in anyway she started changing and the quarrels started coming. I noticed that each time I called her line from the UK it was always busy and when I accuse her of getting involved with other men she tacitly consented by saying to me that if other men don’t admire her then there was a problem with her physical outlook.
I felt very bad but kept my cool until one evening when I called her line and she wouldn’t pick her call. When she eventually answered the next day she explained to me that she had been with a new man at the time I was calling and as she was speaking she started crying, telling me that she had betrayed me.
It was painful, but I moved on. I eventually met a single mother of one through whom I got a white-collar job. One thing led to another and we became an item.
By this time my ex-girlfriend had started calling me again trying to make up with me and as I was already involved with another woman, I told her I would prefer a platonic relationship with her.
Things moved rather quickly between the woman and me in my life resulting into my moving in with her and the son.
And then the problems started. She would always search my personal effects, go through my phones and e-mails and foment trouble if she saw things relating to other ladies including my sisters and female friends with whom I had nothing.
These actions of hers informed the closure of my e-mail accounts as well as changing my telephone numbers to ensure she didn’t feel insecure anymore. She would also compare me to her male boss at work asking me to carry myself the way the man carries himself; she would lash out at me angrily when I sought to know if anything was bothering her. I had to cut off all association with all old friends to make this lady happy. Although we had sex initially we stopped as she thought I was taking the Mickey out of her because of our intimacy. I was not perturbed by her decision because I wasn’t really getting the best from her.
However, we had some peace for sometime and prompting us to mull over the idea of marriage. Then came the day we went to get an engagement ring. She insisted for an engagement ring that was exactly worth my one-month salary. We had a bit of a disagreement about this but I concurred for the sake of peace.
We eventually got married and six days after our civil marriage she moved out of the master bedroom because I snore. That was when I knew that marrying this lady was the worst mistake of my life. I knew I was in the biggest mess of my life.
I remained a gentleman and kept my cool not worrying her for any form of intimacy whatsoever even though it was difficult not to since I had gotten used to her.
It was also after the civil marriage that I got to know that she was heavily indebted to the banks. I was now expected to take care of her and her love child.
Somehow, she got hold of an old flash drive of mine that I had been looking for since I moved in to her house and which contained the pictures of my ex-girlfriend. We quarrelled like we had never done before. Our pastor tried to intervene but the dissolution of our marriage was just a question of time.
While at work one day she sent me an e-mail saying she was done with the marriage. We went our separate ways towards the end of last year.
I later got in touch with all my old friends as well as my ex. I discovered she wasn’t married. She said pressure from her family including the uncertainty facing us at the time and her inexperience contributed to that blunder. She begged for forgiveness and even though I am still seething from anger over two failed relationships that have happened in quick succession, I have found it in my heart to accept this lady back.
Agatha I am back with this lady and she knows all about what transpired between my ex wife and I. She has been brilliant in the way she has managed the crisis times particularly when I get into my terrible moods. She has been so prayerful, fasting and telling me to remain steadfast in God. We have grown quite close. We have progressed in leaps and bounds. I don’t want to make any mistakes anymore. I know we might not be of the same social status but I love this lady to have taken her back.
I am bothered about my parents coming up with the issue about her humble background again. I now know more from the experience I had in my just previous three months old marriage, that it entails a lot more than social status and money.
I have come to understand that marriage entails happiness, peace of mind, tolerance and lots more. I need your candid view about my current situation as I am considering coming back after I have sorted out my divorce.
I need to know how to handle my parents and win their support regarding marrying this lady, as I am not ready to get into another terrible mess. I have also committed this into God’s hands as I pray about my current situation all the time. Please your advice will be taken quite seriously as I am very careful about whom I talk.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Having entrusted this relationship to God, I am sure He would clear and smoothen all rough edges. He knows all our tomorrows from today and has never gone wrong.
You and your girlfriend got derailed by impatience, lack of experience as well as trust in God. Had both of you overlooked the challenges you were both passing through at that time, none of this ugliness of your present situation would have happened.
Having gone through the baptism of fire, I am sure you are now more matured and experienced to handle matters of the heart.
Frankly, it is too early for you to begin something new. It doesn’t matter if she is your ex or not, the fact remains that you haven’t really sat down to consider all angles to the issue of your marriage to the other woman before jumping on the boat of reconciliation with your ex.
The incident of the past months with this woman may have left some very bitter taste in your mouth but there is still the need for you to consider the possibility of you coming back together.
And you can only be sure, you are completely over her if you give yourself enough time to think and come to a decisive conclusion. You must be sure also you are not using your ex as a rebound like you obviously used her when your ex left you for another man.
It would be so unfortunate if you allow yourself to migrate to and fro these women ceaselessly. This is the time for you to be very decisive concerning your future.
Before proceeding with this lady, be sure there can never be anthing between you and your wife. No matter how short-lived your marriage to her was you must have been closely connected at one time for you to have taken such steps despite knowing her kind of person.
Are you sure you won’t feel regrets later in life about your decision to leave her and go back to your ex? Are you sure you won’t miss not having her in your life on certain occasions? Is there something very outstanding you will never be able to forget about her? It is also important you are sure you are not using your current relationship to mask your pains and disappointments.
Continue with this other lady only if you are really sure that there is no possibility of you and your wife coming back together, you feel absolutely comfortable in her company.
As for the issue of your parents, there is nothing to it as long as you are sure of your love for each other and the dreams you both share. Background isn’t what makes a marriage work but the determination of the couple in it. As long as you and your woman agree to close rank, face every challenge with dignity and fear of God, accord each other respect as well as support, you have nothing to fear.
But all these would depend on true forgiveness. You must completely let go of whatever pains or sense of betrayal you feel by her actions. There are occasions you would, after deep reflection, blame her for all the secondary issues arising from your hurried marriage to the other woman. It is essential you completely forgive her. If you don’t, your relationship with her may never come to its full potentials.
Despite the lessons of her past experience too, there is the need for both of you to talk about your experiences as well as fears. Also, you need to be sure of her all over again.
If you have any question concerning her past conduct, don’t bottle it up. Ask for the purpose of clearing up any backlog of issues.
Once your mind is made up, do whatever you have to do urgently so you don’t leave gap for temptations.
Good luck.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Can masturbation cause quick ejaculation?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by thanking you for the good advice you give. I have a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I am 30 years old and I started masturbating at the age of 13 when I was exposed to pornography. Ever since I got hook on it. I have never had sex with any woman in my life. I am in a relationship right now. My fiancée and I promised to wait until our wedding night before indulging in sex.
She is not aware of this my ugly past life, yet and I am planning on letting her know. Since I don’t want to hide anything from her even though she decides to leave me on account of my honesty as regards this issue.
My problem is that I heard that one of the side effects of masturbation is premature ejaculation. How true is that? I have since stopped masturbating but I am afraid I may not be able to satisfy my woman in bed if I end up ejaculating early. I normally ejaculate in less than 30 seconds whenever I masturbate. Is there any solution you will recommend to help redeem my situation? Thanks very much for your anticipated response.
Kindness.
Dear Kindness,
Masturbation in itself doesn’t cause premature ejaculation but the time a man sets for himself does. If you have persistently trained yourself to climax after a few seconds of self-stimulation, your brain would automatically sends the message once that time clocks whether you are emotionally ready or not, to climax. This is one of the side effects of masturbation. Over the years you have set an alarm deep in your brains. Whether you like it or not, this alarm would automatically go off at the precise time it has done for the number of years you indulged in this habit.
You may have stopped the habit but you have detonated the alarm bell. Until you grow the will and trust in your partner to come clean with your past.
To re-order your time, you would need the help of your partner to slow down the process of your climax. You will need her to understand that the first few weeks or months may not be as she has envisaged, that you would need her support to completely get over this addiction of yours.
There is no way she would leave you on account of what you did in your past except she doesn’t understand what love is all about. Besides, she too would have done one or two things in her past she isn’t proud off.
If your love for each other is solid, she won’t mind helping you completely to overcome this past. It would as a matter of fact be her pleasure to.
For her to do a good job, you must volunteer your desire and knowledge of sex to her. Allow her to take full charge, even if she is a novice. The know-how of sex is inborn, comes from an instinct that predates our conception.
She would not get lost and in the excitement of helping her come of age, discover what your body is as well as has to offer her, you would forget your own immediate need.
The process of assisting her, getting her ready for you would distract you from your own desires and by the time she is ready, you would just be fine for her. The perfection of your timings would make your issue invisible to her.
The amount of freedom and time you devote to her are the sure ways of overcoming your own limitations.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by thanking you for the good advice you give. I have a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I am 30 years old and I started masturbating at the age of 13 when I was exposed to pornography. Ever since I got hook on it. I have never had sex with any woman in my life. I am in a relationship right now. My fiancée and I promised to wait until our wedding night before indulging in sex.
She is not aware of this my ugly past life, yet and I am planning on letting her know. Since I don’t want to hide anything from her even though she decides to leave me on account of my honesty as regards this issue.
My problem is that I heard that one of the side effects of masturbation is premature ejaculation. How true is that? I have since stopped masturbating but I am afraid I may not be able to satisfy my woman in bed if I end up ejaculating early. I normally ejaculate in less than 30 seconds whenever I masturbate. Is there any solution you will recommend to help redeem my situation? Thanks very much for your anticipated response.
Kindness.
Dear Kindness,
Masturbation in itself doesn’t cause premature ejaculation but the time a man sets for himself does. If you have persistently trained yourself to climax after a few seconds of self-stimulation, your brain would automatically sends the message once that time clocks whether you are emotionally ready or not, to climax. This is one of the side effects of masturbation. Over the years you have set an alarm deep in your brains. Whether you like it or not, this alarm would automatically go off at the precise time it has done for the number of years you indulged in this habit.
You may have stopped the habit but you have detonated the alarm bell. Until you grow the will and trust in your partner to come clean with your past.
To re-order your time, you would need the help of your partner to slow down the process of your climax. You will need her to understand that the first few weeks or months may not be as she has envisaged, that you would need her support to completely get over this addiction of yours.
There is no way she would leave you on account of what you did in your past except she doesn’t understand what love is all about. Besides, she too would have done one or two things in her past she isn’t proud off.
If your love for each other is solid, she won’t mind helping you completely to overcome this past. It would as a matter of fact be her pleasure to.
For her to do a good job, you must volunteer your desire and knowledge of sex to her. Allow her to take full charge, even if she is a novice. The know-how of sex is inborn, comes from an instinct that predates our conception.
She would not get lost and in the excitement of helping her come of age, discover what your body is as well as has to offer her, you would forget your own immediate need.
The process of assisting her, getting her ready for you would distract you from your own desires and by the time she is ready, you would just be fine for her. The perfection of your timings would make your issue invisible to her.
The amount of freedom and time you devote to her are the sure ways of overcoming your own limitations.
Good luck.
Hard to bowel her knack for old men…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I recently turned 27 and came back from the United Kingdom for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in one of the biggest hotels in Nigeria. At the completion of my service year I got employed by the same company I served. It was in this company that I met the love of my life. Prior to my coming back to Nigeria, I never entertained the idea of dating Nigerian girls; I have always preferred Nigerians in Diaspora like myself. This is because of the perception I have that Nigerian women are promiscuous.
Working in the hotel daily exposes me to the nature of women here especially between young ladies and old men. Things like that make me sick to my stomach.
However when I met Amanda everything changed. Amanda was like God sent then. I encouraged her to stop work at the hotel and go back to school. I didn’t hide the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
During our discussions she told me she once dated a married man and I almost dumped her because she confided in me. She promised it would never happen again. I advised her to plead for God’s forgiveness.
While at the hotel, she met an old white man who has kept calling her. I didn’t hide my discomfort over his calls. She often asks me to allow her go and hang out with him, a request I initially refused but later gave in to, due to trust.
One day I realised he took her out for shopping but she didn’t tell me because she was afraid of what I might do but she later called and told me while she was with him. As of now, I am helping her financially but I am not able to support her fully as I have other people who depend on me.
She says she’s only interested in the financial help the man is offering her and that he has never asked her for sex. I fear that one day she will start having sex with this old man because of money as they are getting closer and closer. I have called and warned the man to stay away from my girl but he has obviously refused to do that.
I hate him so much but I blame my girl for giving him the space to get close to her, it makes me feel like she’s cheap and worthless. We recently had a heated argument and she told me that she is not interested in having a relationship with the man; that he is offering her financial help to better her future and that if I am uncomfortable with his presence I should leave her.
I feel she has chosen him over me; it makes me feel that she does not value me at all. She also said that prior to meeting me, she detested dating young single men due to their complaints and hunger for sex, that she preferred dating married men who will spend on her, give her freedom and wouldn’t have much sex with her. However she admitted that she prayed for a man like me and that God has answered her prayer when she met me. She is only 20 years of age.
I love her drive to succeed in life but I hate the method she is using to reach that goal. She is very honest with me and loves me very much without doubt but I believe in a few years time if not married, I would be going into the marriage institution. Should I leave her and find a suitable lady? I guess the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know right? Should I give her a chance? Can she grow to become my wife? She is everything I look for in a woman but she also loves attention from men, which I hate. Sometimes I query God for allowing me to meet her and on the other hand, I thank God for bringing her into my life. I have other women that want me that she is aware of but I don’t even look at them twice.
One mind is telling me to seek an audience with the white man and explain everything to him and that if he is reasonable, he would leave my girl alone. Meanwhile another mind is also telling me to reveal my gangster side to him and teach him a lifetime lesson. If the white man leaves her, will she not get involved with another person for financial help? Should I focus more on establishing myself instead of worrying too much about her and her so called male friends?
Please advise me accordingly because I’m about to lose my mind.
Sean.
Dear Sean,
Concentrate more energy on establishing yourself than worrying about your girlfriend and her attitude. She has made her choice very clear and you would be doing yourself a great injustice by neglecting your own dreams. You need to take your own life more serious than you are currently doing.
Going to the other man to leave her alone or deploying violence won’t change the way she thinks. She has not hidden what moves her from you. She is blinded by money and anywhere she smells the perfume of money, like butterfly she would go towards that direction.
The man could arrest you for assault, harassment or threat to his life because he has no business with you. And don’t be too sure this lady would stand by you if your interference means her losing a viable client. You won’t be able to cope with the attendant mess the man may cook for you should you venture to confront him.
It is your girlfriend you have business with and if she isn’t pretending about the side of her bread the butter is most generous, do yourself a world of good by pretending that no other man exists in her life. This way you would have the presence and peace of mind to concentrate on your life. In fairness to the white man, he has stolen your woman or forced her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in. She has the goods and he has the money to buy. If there is anyone you need to confront, it is your girlfriend.
Money is what she wants and not the love you have to offer her. If you are unable to make it at the end of the day, this young lady would eventually leave you for a man who has what she requires to be happy.
You may love her and she you, but love isn’t enough for her and would never be strong enough to make her absolutely loyal to you.
There is no way the man would not eventually demand for sex and she won’t give in. Since it is obvious that money motivates her, if the other man threatens to stop the flow of money to her, she would either she likes it or not succumbs to his demands because he has what she wants.
Frankly, this isn’t the kind of lady you should give your all to. At 20, she is far too experienced for you. She is already wise on the ways of women. Unless you are prepared to share her until she is ready to quit her act, you may have to consider so many things in your current situation as well as relationship.
In addition to concentrating on your own self-development, down play your feelings for her. You cannot love this woman more than you do to yourself. You have to get rid of that thing you are afraid to confront in this relationship. Whether you like it or not, she isn’t exclusively yours. You are sharing her with other men so why are you so much afraid of losing her? By giving her permission to see this white man, you unwittingly gave consent to her to date the man.
It is time you took charge of this relationship because contentment is a vital key to the progress and success of a relationship. If you are funding her, no matter how meager, she should be contented with it. There is something about perseverance. A woman who cannot endure hardship, make sacrifices for the man in her life isn’t ready for a future with that man.
Your love isn’t an excuse for you to condone her misbehaviour. Insist that unless she is ready to do away with all the other men in her life, you may have no choice but reconsider your relationship. For now, she isn’t ready to change for you. You can only stay with a person who is willing to change, but in a situation where this lady isn’t repentant, there is little you can do for her.
If you truly love her, be the friend she needs for now to protect yourself from emotional pains and disappointment. You need all your efforts to succeed in whatever you decide to do.
There is nobody that cannot change but the issue is, when. And is she even ready to change from her ways? How long are you ready to endure the embarrassment of seeing your girl with other men?
Make up your mind before this woman destroys you for another woman.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I recently turned 27 and came back from the United Kingdom for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in one of the biggest hotels in Nigeria. At the completion of my service year I got employed by the same company I served. It was in this company that I met the love of my life. Prior to my coming back to Nigeria, I never entertained the idea of dating Nigerian girls; I have always preferred Nigerians in Diaspora like myself. This is because of the perception I have that Nigerian women are promiscuous.
Working in the hotel daily exposes me to the nature of women here especially between young ladies and old men. Things like that make me sick to my stomach.
However when I met Amanda everything changed. Amanda was like God sent then. I encouraged her to stop work at the hotel and go back to school. I didn’t hide the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
During our discussions she told me she once dated a married man and I almost dumped her because she confided in me. She promised it would never happen again. I advised her to plead for God’s forgiveness.
While at the hotel, she met an old white man who has kept calling her. I didn’t hide my discomfort over his calls. She often asks me to allow her go and hang out with him, a request I initially refused but later gave in to, due to trust.
One day I realised he took her out for shopping but she didn’t tell me because she was afraid of what I might do but she later called and told me while she was with him. As of now, I am helping her financially but I am not able to support her fully as I have other people who depend on me.
She says she’s only interested in the financial help the man is offering her and that he has never asked her for sex. I fear that one day she will start having sex with this old man because of money as they are getting closer and closer. I have called and warned the man to stay away from my girl but he has obviously refused to do that.
I hate him so much but I blame my girl for giving him the space to get close to her, it makes me feel like she’s cheap and worthless. We recently had a heated argument and she told me that she is not interested in having a relationship with the man; that he is offering her financial help to better her future and that if I am uncomfortable with his presence I should leave her.
I feel she has chosen him over me; it makes me feel that she does not value me at all. She also said that prior to meeting me, she detested dating young single men due to their complaints and hunger for sex, that she preferred dating married men who will spend on her, give her freedom and wouldn’t have much sex with her. However she admitted that she prayed for a man like me and that God has answered her prayer when she met me. She is only 20 years of age.
I love her drive to succeed in life but I hate the method she is using to reach that goal. She is very honest with me and loves me very much without doubt but I believe in a few years time if not married, I would be going into the marriage institution. Should I leave her and find a suitable lady? I guess the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know right? Should I give her a chance? Can she grow to become my wife? She is everything I look for in a woman but she also loves attention from men, which I hate. Sometimes I query God for allowing me to meet her and on the other hand, I thank God for bringing her into my life. I have other women that want me that she is aware of but I don’t even look at them twice.
One mind is telling me to seek an audience with the white man and explain everything to him and that if he is reasonable, he would leave my girl alone. Meanwhile another mind is also telling me to reveal my gangster side to him and teach him a lifetime lesson. If the white man leaves her, will she not get involved with another person for financial help? Should I focus more on establishing myself instead of worrying too much about her and her so called male friends?
Please advise me accordingly because I’m about to lose my mind.
Sean.
Dear Sean,
Concentrate more energy on establishing yourself than worrying about your girlfriend and her attitude. She has made her choice very clear and you would be doing yourself a great injustice by neglecting your own dreams. You need to take your own life more serious than you are currently doing.
Going to the other man to leave her alone or deploying violence won’t change the way she thinks. She has not hidden what moves her from you. She is blinded by money and anywhere she smells the perfume of money, like butterfly she would go towards that direction.
The man could arrest you for assault, harassment or threat to his life because he has no business with you. And don’t be too sure this lady would stand by you if your interference means her losing a viable client. You won’t be able to cope with the attendant mess the man may cook for you should you venture to confront him.
It is your girlfriend you have business with and if she isn’t pretending about the side of her bread the butter is most generous, do yourself a world of good by pretending that no other man exists in her life. This way you would have the presence and peace of mind to concentrate on your life. In fairness to the white man, he has stolen your woman or forced her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in. She has the goods and he has the money to buy. If there is anyone you need to confront, it is your girlfriend.
Money is what she wants and not the love you have to offer her. If you are unable to make it at the end of the day, this young lady would eventually leave you for a man who has what she requires to be happy.
You may love her and she you, but love isn’t enough for her and would never be strong enough to make her absolutely loyal to you.
There is no way the man would not eventually demand for sex and she won’t give in. Since it is obvious that money motivates her, if the other man threatens to stop the flow of money to her, she would either she likes it or not succumbs to his demands because he has what she wants.
Frankly, this isn’t the kind of lady you should give your all to. At 20, she is far too experienced for you. She is already wise on the ways of women. Unless you are prepared to share her until she is ready to quit her act, you may have to consider so many things in your current situation as well as relationship.
In addition to concentrating on your own self-development, down play your feelings for her. You cannot love this woman more than you do to yourself. You have to get rid of that thing you are afraid to confront in this relationship. Whether you like it or not, she isn’t exclusively yours. You are sharing her with other men so why are you so much afraid of losing her? By giving her permission to see this white man, you unwittingly gave consent to her to date the man.
It is time you took charge of this relationship because contentment is a vital key to the progress and success of a relationship. If you are funding her, no matter how meager, she should be contented with it. There is something about perseverance. A woman who cannot endure hardship, make sacrifices for the man in her life isn’t ready for a future with that man.
Your love isn’t an excuse for you to condone her misbehaviour. Insist that unless she is ready to do away with all the other men in her life, you may have no choice but reconsider your relationship. For now, she isn’t ready to change for you. You can only stay with a person who is willing to change, but in a situation where this lady isn’t repentant, there is little you can do for her.
If you truly love her, be the friend she needs for now to protect yourself from emotional pains and disappointment. You need all your efforts to succeed in whatever you decide to do.
There is nobody that cannot change but the issue is, when. And is she even ready to change from her ways? How long are you ready to endure the embarrassment of seeing your girl with other men?
Make up your mind before this woman destroys you for another woman.
Good luck.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Can’t one rouse girl without oral sex?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I‘m a young man of 30 years old and planning to settle down very soon. I have this confusing issue I would like you to help clear. My friends tell me that to get a woman highly aroused and ready for intercourse, the man has to make use of his mouth and tongue to stimulate her womanhood.
And in some of your responses, you also mentioned the same thing. Now I imagined the thought and acted on it. And it seems to me dirty and irritating, considering the taste of the place and hygiene of taking such liquid into one’s stomach. Please brief me and as well clear my mind on the issue if it is a normal thing to do, especially in helping the woman to be ready. I want to be educated. And would not want my natural attitude to affect my married life later.
Inexperienced Boy.
Dear Inexperienced Boy,
There is nothing dirty or poisonous in being intimate with one’s spouse. Except the woman is naturally unhygienic, the actual scent of a woman is pure and enticing. It gives her a uniqueness that helps remind her man, wherever he may, of his woman.
Oral sex is part of the package in matrimony. When done in love, friendship and appreciation, it is a beautiful binding substance that acts as a shield, protection, and foundation during crises period in a marriage.
It enables the couple to build a well of emotional and communication reservoir that sets them apart from the crowd.
Whether we admit it or not, sex is a powerful tool in any marriage and every couple must device a means of using it to zeal any crack even before it begins to manifest. The essence of oral sex is underscored by the sensitive nature of the human body. Without the use of our fingers, tongue and imagination, the human emotion will remain at the its most primary level.
If lesser animals as shown by the various documentaries are in tune with the power of touch during their own mating period, human being the most intelligent animal on earth should therefore celebrate its importance at all times.
The entire skin area is an erotic canvass. However, it takes a careful exploration of the fingers to discover the high and low points of the skin as well as the individuality of one’s partner. The fingers are what remove fact from fiction. A lot of time, many couples assume to know the sensitive zones of their partners when in fact they lack knowledge of even the most basic. The fact that it is generally assumed that a particular area of a woman’s or a man’s body is very sensitive doesn’t mean it works for every man or woman. As a matter of fact some may find such areas very offensive. But only oral sex can give a clear clue into what works for a particular couple at all times.
This is because it is a more comprehensive way of integrating the mind and body.
Whatever your misgivings are now, it would go a long way in helping your marriage grow if you maintain an opened mind concerning the issue of sex.
Oral sex helps a woman to be ready to please her man. Without help from their men, most women would never be able to give their men satisfactory performance in the bedroom. The external organs of the man make it easier for him to attain arousal faster than the woman whose organs are within.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I‘m a young man of 30 years old and planning to settle down very soon. I have this confusing issue I would like you to help clear. My friends tell me that to get a woman highly aroused and ready for intercourse, the man has to make use of his mouth and tongue to stimulate her womanhood.
And in some of your responses, you also mentioned the same thing. Now I imagined the thought and acted on it. And it seems to me dirty and irritating, considering the taste of the place and hygiene of taking such liquid into one’s stomach. Please brief me and as well clear my mind on the issue if it is a normal thing to do, especially in helping the woman to be ready. I want to be educated. And would not want my natural attitude to affect my married life later.
Inexperienced Boy.
Dear Inexperienced Boy,
There is nothing dirty or poisonous in being intimate with one’s spouse. Except the woman is naturally unhygienic, the actual scent of a woman is pure and enticing. It gives her a uniqueness that helps remind her man, wherever he may, of his woman.
Oral sex is part of the package in matrimony. When done in love, friendship and appreciation, it is a beautiful binding substance that acts as a shield, protection, and foundation during crises period in a marriage.
It enables the couple to build a well of emotional and communication reservoir that sets them apart from the crowd.
Whether we admit it or not, sex is a powerful tool in any marriage and every couple must device a means of using it to zeal any crack even before it begins to manifest. The essence of oral sex is underscored by the sensitive nature of the human body. Without the use of our fingers, tongue and imagination, the human emotion will remain at the its most primary level.
If lesser animals as shown by the various documentaries are in tune with the power of touch during their own mating period, human being the most intelligent animal on earth should therefore celebrate its importance at all times.
The entire skin area is an erotic canvass. However, it takes a careful exploration of the fingers to discover the high and low points of the skin as well as the individuality of one’s partner. The fingers are what remove fact from fiction. A lot of time, many couples assume to know the sensitive zones of their partners when in fact they lack knowledge of even the most basic. The fact that it is generally assumed that a particular area of a woman’s or a man’s body is very sensitive doesn’t mean it works for every man or woman. As a matter of fact some may find such areas very offensive. But only oral sex can give a clear clue into what works for a particular couple at all times.
This is because it is a more comprehensive way of integrating the mind and body.
Whatever your misgivings are now, it would go a long way in helping your marriage grow if you maintain an opened mind concerning the issue of sex.
Oral sex helps a woman to be ready to please her man. Without help from their men, most women would never be able to give their men satisfactory performance in the bedroom. The external organs of the man make it easier for him to attain arousal faster than the woman whose organs are within.
Good luck
Long distant marriage and its inherent issues
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the way you handle issues that relate to relationships. I must confess God blessed you with this gift. Actually, I would be happy if you can help me with my own problem.
I live in Europe while my wife lives in Nigeria with her mother and my only son. The problem is that each time I have issues with her (my wife), she shouts at me and I’ve told her severally that I don’t like the way she shouts over the phone. Her mother is always supporting her and blaming me for everything. Consequently my wife has refused to change her ways.
The last time I visited Nigeria, we had a little problem at home, instead of finding a solution to the problem, my wife called her mother and her sister on the phone. When her mother arrived early in the morning, rather than find out what the problem is, she grabbed my shirt and slapped me the minute I opened the door for her.
Because of the problem it would cause in my marriage, I didn’t tell my family members about this incident.
Agatha, I love her so much but the love I have for her has been replaced with hate and revenge.
An issue came up while we were talking on the phone recently and she said she is fed up with the marriage. I don’t know if she said it out of anger but I am taking it seriously as I want to end the marriage as soon as possible.
Confused Hubby
Dear Confused Hubby,
Bad as the picture of your marriage appears to be, what is the other side? Are you sure you are not a problem too in this marriage? Why are you staying in Europe while your wife and son are in Nigeria? Are you living up to your responsibility as a father and a husband? What are her complains? Deep down, do you think they are valid or not serious enough to be given attention to? Why is she staying with her people and not your people? For how long did both of you date and how long have you been married? Has she always been like this or a recent development?
Marriage is a complex issue; one that requires utmost caution and wisdom to manage successfully. There is no way a marriage can degenerate to the level you have painted yours without an input from both of you. Granted, the fault maybe more on her side but you cannot exonerate yourself from what is happening in your marriage.
Although you didn’t say exactly what the issue is, chances are that your being away from each other is a major reason. Every woman wants to be by her husband especially a young woman. She is bound to be frustrated by your lack of presence in her life when she needs you or when your son starts acting funny. Being the one at home, your separation would affect her the more because she is the one that has to answer to malicious and embarrassing questions from people who would naturally wonder aloud when she is going to join you or the malicious kind from jealous friends who would ask her if sure you are not hiding something from her by her prolonged delay in joining you.
Being young and vulnerable to the various stories of what men and women who travel abroad are up to, she is bound to feel frustrated and edgy whenever you speak to each other on the phone. Don’t forget that while the permissiveness of the society favours you to engage in extra marital affairs, she dare not. So her anger and dissatisfaction with the current arrangement is transferred to you on the phone. Granted she maybe handling it wrongly but the fact remains that you should also consider her feelings and reasons. Ignore whatever her actions are telling you and listen to the message within.
Her mother is having all the advantage in the world to encourage her to misbehave because you unwittingly gave her the opportunity to do so. Once a woman gets married, she leaves her family nest to begin one of her own in her husband’s house. Her being away from you has made her more dependent on her mother and siblings especially as they are the ones accommodating her and your baby.
Frankly, there is no way these people will not continue to influence your marriage as long as she lives with them. There is no way you can claim authority over her because she doesn’t live under an accommodation of her own. You have to either ask her to go to your family or get her an accommodation of her own to wean her from the excessive control of her mother.
In the house you pay for, you can read out your rules, moderate the kind of interference you want in your marriage. Until you are ready to take full charge of your marriage, you will continue to experience the insolence and abuse of your mother-in-law.
Leaving your wife with them has exposed your vulnerability and weakness as a man to them. A little bit of distance between friends and family gives birth to premium respect. In a way, you exposed yourself to this. It is either a man is married or not. If you had taken charge of your marriage, she wouldn’t have been exposed fully to the challenge you are having in your marriage at all. And there is no way she would have dared come into your house to slap you; having been exposed to the measure of your ability by the reason of her housing your wife and son, she has figured you out hence the audacity of her action.
Now is the time for you to stamp your authority in this marriage. One of the ways to do this is to try to get the loyalty and respect of your wife. If you haven’t told her precisely what the situation is with you in your host country, please confide whatever challenges you are facing there. Let her know why she is still living in Nigeria and you living in Europe. If you have done it before, do it again. Don’t pretend life is rosy when it is not. Give her the choice to make up her mind by laying bare the facts concerning your well-being in your host country.
One of the reasons for her mother’s behaviour may not be unconnected with failed aspirations. To the average person in Nigeria, people who stay abroad are considered very comfortable. If you are therefore not meeting with the demands and expectations of your in-laws, chances are they would regret your association with their daughter and do everything to make you leave her so that someone who has enough money can come into her life.
If her mother was getting enough money from you, she won’t be rude and nasty to you. There is the need for you to correct the impression they have of your stay abroad. Let your wife know the financial challenges you are going through. I sense you are not being very truthful to them concerning your prospect in your host country. Let them know you are struggling and may not be in the position to meet all their financial challenges. Once your wife is aware that you don’t pick money on the streets of London, there is the tendency for her to cut down on some expectations from you.
Like I mentioned earlier, get an apartment for your wife. Tell her you want her and your son to move into a place you paid for; you would feel better knowing that she has the independence as a married woman to make her decisions. If anyone must stay with her, let it be someone from your own side of the family. In doing this, ensure she understands your limitation and what you hope to achieve for now.
Until she has the opportunity of living outside her family, she would never develop the maturity of handling her affairs without rushing to her mother or sister for solution.
As for her mother, your only business with her is respect because she is the mother of the woman you married; nothing more. The next time you have a disagreement with your wife and your mother-in-law tries to intervene, politely remind her that you and your wife are having a domestic problem and would appreciate if you are both left alone to resolve whatever the issue is.
Whatever your reasons for living apart from your wife, ensure it is resolved as soon as possible. Your marriage is still too young for both of you to live apart. This is the time your marriage needs bonding and stability. There is no way you can bond or be stable if you are living millions of miles away from her.
Your marriage and son are the unfortunate victims of this arrangement. If she says she is fed up, it may not be of you but of the situation that is forcing the two of you from living together.
Even if you divorce her and marry another woman, if the circumstances persist, you will face the same challenges from her.
The time has come for you to put your marriage into serious considerations. You must act before it is too late to save your marriage from collapse. There is a limit to what a marriage can tolerate.
Good luck.
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the way you handle issues that relate to relationships. I must confess God blessed you with this gift. Actually, I would be happy if you can help me with my own problem.
I live in Europe while my wife lives in Nigeria with her mother and my only son. The problem is that each time I have issues with her (my wife), she shouts at me and I’ve told her severally that I don’t like the way she shouts over the phone. Her mother is always supporting her and blaming me for everything. Consequently my wife has refused to change her ways.
The last time I visited Nigeria, we had a little problem at home, instead of finding a solution to the problem, my wife called her mother and her sister on the phone. When her mother arrived early in the morning, rather than find out what the problem is, she grabbed my shirt and slapped me the minute I opened the door for her.
Because of the problem it would cause in my marriage, I didn’t tell my family members about this incident.
Agatha, I love her so much but the love I have for her has been replaced with hate and revenge.
An issue came up while we were talking on the phone recently and she said she is fed up with the marriage. I don’t know if she said it out of anger but I am taking it seriously as I want to end the marriage as soon as possible.
Confused Hubby
Dear Confused Hubby,
Bad as the picture of your marriage appears to be, what is the other side? Are you sure you are not a problem too in this marriage? Why are you staying in Europe while your wife and son are in Nigeria? Are you living up to your responsibility as a father and a husband? What are her complains? Deep down, do you think they are valid or not serious enough to be given attention to? Why is she staying with her people and not your people? For how long did both of you date and how long have you been married? Has she always been like this or a recent development?
Marriage is a complex issue; one that requires utmost caution and wisdom to manage successfully. There is no way a marriage can degenerate to the level you have painted yours without an input from both of you. Granted, the fault maybe more on her side but you cannot exonerate yourself from what is happening in your marriage.
Although you didn’t say exactly what the issue is, chances are that your being away from each other is a major reason. Every woman wants to be by her husband especially a young woman. She is bound to be frustrated by your lack of presence in her life when she needs you or when your son starts acting funny. Being the one at home, your separation would affect her the more because she is the one that has to answer to malicious and embarrassing questions from people who would naturally wonder aloud when she is going to join you or the malicious kind from jealous friends who would ask her if sure you are not hiding something from her by her prolonged delay in joining you.
Being young and vulnerable to the various stories of what men and women who travel abroad are up to, she is bound to feel frustrated and edgy whenever you speak to each other on the phone. Don’t forget that while the permissiveness of the society favours you to engage in extra marital affairs, she dare not. So her anger and dissatisfaction with the current arrangement is transferred to you on the phone. Granted she maybe handling it wrongly but the fact remains that you should also consider her feelings and reasons. Ignore whatever her actions are telling you and listen to the message within.
Her mother is having all the advantage in the world to encourage her to misbehave because you unwittingly gave her the opportunity to do so. Once a woman gets married, she leaves her family nest to begin one of her own in her husband’s house. Her being away from you has made her more dependent on her mother and siblings especially as they are the ones accommodating her and your baby.
Frankly, there is no way these people will not continue to influence your marriage as long as she lives with them. There is no way you can claim authority over her because she doesn’t live under an accommodation of her own. You have to either ask her to go to your family or get her an accommodation of her own to wean her from the excessive control of her mother.
In the house you pay for, you can read out your rules, moderate the kind of interference you want in your marriage. Until you are ready to take full charge of your marriage, you will continue to experience the insolence and abuse of your mother-in-law.
Leaving your wife with them has exposed your vulnerability and weakness as a man to them. A little bit of distance between friends and family gives birth to premium respect. In a way, you exposed yourself to this. It is either a man is married or not. If you had taken charge of your marriage, she wouldn’t have been exposed fully to the challenge you are having in your marriage at all. And there is no way she would have dared come into your house to slap you; having been exposed to the measure of your ability by the reason of her housing your wife and son, she has figured you out hence the audacity of her action.
Now is the time for you to stamp your authority in this marriage. One of the ways to do this is to try to get the loyalty and respect of your wife. If you haven’t told her precisely what the situation is with you in your host country, please confide whatever challenges you are facing there. Let her know why she is still living in Nigeria and you living in Europe. If you have done it before, do it again. Don’t pretend life is rosy when it is not. Give her the choice to make up her mind by laying bare the facts concerning your well-being in your host country.
One of the reasons for her mother’s behaviour may not be unconnected with failed aspirations. To the average person in Nigeria, people who stay abroad are considered very comfortable. If you are therefore not meeting with the demands and expectations of your in-laws, chances are they would regret your association with their daughter and do everything to make you leave her so that someone who has enough money can come into her life.
If her mother was getting enough money from you, she won’t be rude and nasty to you. There is the need for you to correct the impression they have of your stay abroad. Let your wife know the financial challenges you are going through. I sense you are not being very truthful to them concerning your prospect in your host country. Let them know you are struggling and may not be in the position to meet all their financial challenges. Once your wife is aware that you don’t pick money on the streets of London, there is the tendency for her to cut down on some expectations from you.
Like I mentioned earlier, get an apartment for your wife. Tell her you want her and your son to move into a place you paid for; you would feel better knowing that she has the independence as a married woman to make her decisions. If anyone must stay with her, let it be someone from your own side of the family. In doing this, ensure she understands your limitation and what you hope to achieve for now.
Until she has the opportunity of living outside her family, she would never develop the maturity of handling her affairs without rushing to her mother or sister for solution.
As for her mother, your only business with her is respect because she is the mother of the woman you married; nothing more. The next time you have a disagreement with your wife and your mother-in-law tries to intervene, politely remind her that you and your wife are having a domestic problem and would appreciate if you are both left alone to resolve whatever the issue is.
Whatever your reasons for living apart from your wife, ensure it is resolved as soon as possible. Your marriage is still too young for both of you to live apart. This is the time your marriage needs bonding and stability. There is no way you can bond or be stable if you are living millions of miles away from her.
Your marriage and son are the unfortunate victims of this arrangement. If she says she is fed up, it may not be of you but of the situation that is forcing the two of you from living together.
Even if you divorce her and marry another woman, if the circumstances persist, you will face the same challenges from her.
The time has come for you to put your marriage into serious considerations. You must act before it is too late to save your marriage from collapse. There is a limit to what a marriage can tolerate.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
She wants our wedding shelved till after her NYSC…
Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a 26-year-old economist with a good job. I am involved with this girl, 21 years and in her final year. We met a year ago and looking forward to our wedding. We also made a vow not to have sex until after our wedding ceremony. Sincerely, I’ve been under pressure from my parents who insist everything should be completed by December. Her mother was a good friend of mine before she died last year. Her daddy is too stern to talk about her marriage. I am also constantly being tempted by the female folks around me. Things aren’t getting better.
Recently, my girlfriend came back from school with a change of plan. She demanded we shelve our wedding plans until she comes back from her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year, which would be around 2013. Reason, she doesn’t want people to say she’s hurrying. All attempts to make her see that people’s opinion is not the standard for life have not yielded much result.
I find it difficult to continue this way. Don’t know what to do. Should I keep her or go ahead and pick another girl? I really love this girl and don’t want to lose her. Someone suggested abstaining from sex before marriage is old fashioned. Could that be what’s playing up here?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
The real question is: are you both really in this relationship because you are truly in love with each other or coaxed into it by the relationship between your mothers?
You can only have a meaningful relationship if your feelings for each other come from your hearts, if your love for each other is deep and truthful. There is no way she would have the same kind of commitment you expect from a woman you want to marry if she is doing out of a sense of duty to the memory of her late mother.
Secondly at 21, marriage may not be what she wants from life now. Asking you to defer your plans until she comes back from her service year is to give her time to be sure before committing herself to you finally.
Accede to her demands because at the end of the day, it would help both of you determine what is of importance to you now. Don’t get married because your parents are pressurising you into it, do it because you have found the right woman and are convinced that it is what you want to do.
The fact that you are already contemplating replacing her with one of the women around you is worrisome and to a large extent justifies the nagging fears of this young woman.
Then replacing her with another woman, if she doesn’t fall into your plans, should not have been the first thing on your mind. A more matured man and one who is in love would opt for discussions as well as compromises. You would have listened to her reasons, fears and given her all the assurances she is silently asking for. Rather than think of dropping her for another woman, what you should have found out from her is why she is developing cold feet.
If you really are thinking of marriage now, you still have a long way to go in the handling of a woman and her concomitant emotions.
Marriage is about discussions, sacrifices, selflessness as well as support. No major earthquake would happen if you don’t marry her immediately. Don’t make it look as if you are forcing her into marrying you. You may be ready but she isn’t. There is no way you can ever enjoy marriage to her in this state.
Ideally a bride to be happy with the choice of her heart would not want distance to separate her from her man, would do everything possible to ensure she is posted close to her man. Insisting she goes away from you for a while should alert you that all isn’t well with your plans for each other. A young lady who recently lost her mother would be more than happy to be with her man.
Take your cue from her, and do a deep thinking. Ensure you are not living the dreams of your parents but yours. Also reflect on your feelings for her as well as your true readiness to be a married man.
This isn’t your parents’ dream but yours. As a man ready for marriage you should, by now, know what you want as well as the boldness to declare it to anybody. It could be her source of concern that you are not man enough to manage your own home.
She could be afraid she is marrying your parents and not you. Her demand is for you to be sure. Engage her in a deep and thought provoking discussion. At his critical stage, don’t be afraid to bring up an issue that you are not comfortable with.
Ignore your friend. Everything doesn’t have to boil down to sex or lack of it. The issue at hand is more serious than the trivial issue of whether or not you are sleeping with her. You would be insulting her person, her reasons and your integrity as a man if you follow the thinking of your friend. The issue at hand is more serious than that.
It is always best to spend extra time getting the right texture and heat for a gold than rush the process and come out with a very sorry result. Marriage is premium gold that requires the patience and craft of the goldsmith to get it right. Patience is time consuming. In your shoes, I would let her go for her service year. Don’t be afraid if she were yours, she would definitely come back to you with so much happiness and enthusiasm to spend the rest of her life with you. The things we treasure the most are those things that demand more sacrifices from us.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a 26-year-old economist with a good job. I am involved with this girl, 21 years and in her final year. We met a year ago and looking forward to our wedding. We also made a vow not to have sex until after our wedding ceremony. Sincerely, I’ve been under pressure from my parents who insist everything should be completed by December. Her mother was a good friend of mine before she died last year. Her daddy is too stern to talk about her marriage. I am also constantly being tempted by the female folks around me. Things aren’t getting better.
Recently, my girlfriend came back from school with a change of plan. She demanded we shelve our wedding plans until she comes back from her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year, which would be around 2013. Reason, she doesn’t want people to say she’s hurrying. All attempts to make her see that people’s opinion is not the standard for life have not yielded much result.
I find it difficult to continue this way. Don’t know what to do. Should I keep her or go ahead and pick another girl? I really love this girl and don’t want to lose her. Someone suggested abstaining from sex before marriage is old fashioned. Could that be what’s playing up here?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
The real question is: are you both really in this relationship because you are truly in love with each other or coaxed into it by the relationship between your mothers?
You can only have a meaningful relationship if your feelings for each other come from your hearts, if your love for each other is deep and truthful. There is no way she would have the same kind of commitment you expect from a woman you want to marry if she is doing out of a sense of duty to the memory of her late mother.
Secondly at 21, marriage may not be what she wants from life now. Asking you to defer your plans until she comes back from her service year is to give her time to be sure before committing herself to you finally.
Accede to her demands because at the end of the day, it would help both of you determine what is of importance to you now. Don’t get married because your parents are pressurising you into it, do it because you have found the right woman and are convinced that it is what you want to do.
The fact that you are already contemplating replacing her with one of the women around you is worrisome and to a large extent justifies the nagging fears of this young woman.
Then replacing her with another woman, if she doesn’t fall into your plans, should not have been the first thing on your mind. A more matured man and one who is in love would opt for discussions as well as compromises. You would have listened to her reasons, fears and given her all the assurances she is silently asking for. Rather than think of dropping her for another woman, what you should have found out from her is why she is developing cold feet.
If you really are thinking of marriage now, you still have a long way to go in the handling of a woman and her concomitant emotions.
Marriage is about discussions, sacrifices, selflessness as well as support. No major earthquake would happen if you don’t marry her immediately. Don’t make it look as if you are forcing her into marrying you. You may be ready but she isn’t. There is no way you can ever enjoy marriage to her in this state.
Ideally a bride to be happy with the choice of her heart would not want distance to separate her from her man, would do everything possible to ensure she is posted close to her man. Insisting she goes away from you for a while should alert you that all isn’t well with your plans for each other. A young lady who recently lost her mother would be more than happy to be with her man.
Take your cue from her, and do a deep thinking. Ensure you are not living the dreams of your parents but yours. Also reflect on your feelings for her as well as your true readiness to be a married man.
This isn’t your parents’ dream but yours. As a man ready for marriage you should, by now, know what you want as well as the boldness to declare it to anybody. It could be her source of concern that you are not man enough to manage your own home.
She could be afraid she is marrying your parents and not you. Her demand is for you to be sure. Engage her in a deep and thought provoking discussion. At his critical stage, don’t be afraid to bring up an issue that you are not comfortable with.
Ignore your friend. Everything doesn’t have to boil down to sex or lack of it. The issue at hand is more serious than the trivial issue of whether or not you are sleeping with her. You would be insulting her person, her reasons and your integrity as a man if you follow the thinking of your friend. The issue at hand is more serious than that.
It is always best to spend extra time getting the right texture and heat for a gold than rush the process and come out with a very sorry result. Marriage is premium gold that requires the patience and craft of the goldsmith to get it right. Patience is time consuming. In your shoes, I would let her go for her service year. Don’t be afraid if she were yours, she would definitely come back to you with so much happiness and enthusiasm to spend the rest of her life with you. The things we treasure the most are those things that demand more sacrifices from us.
Good luck.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Badly need man, but he’s younger, widower
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Sincerely, I always appreciate the gift of God in your life.
I would like to seek your opinion on this matter. I am a Christian lady who has been praying for who to marry for years now. I will clock 40 this year. I have total assurance that this is my year.
At the beginning of this year, an old man who had been separated from his wife approached me for marriage, which I totally disagree to.
Not quite long, a friend introduced me to a brother who told me many things about his past, he is also separated from his wife although younger than I am, but he doesn’t know because I am blessed with fine looks.
He hasn’t taken legal step to terminate the marriage, but has plans to do so. His wife started misbehaving because she couldn’t conceive after three years of marriage and eventually left him.
The Bible says male and female He created them from the beginning. A man shall leave his father and mother not his former wife.
My friend is definite I will not have problem with him. Could that be my male?
Rinsola
Dear Rinsola,
How honest are you to yourself? If at 40 you don’t have an idea of what you want from life when will you?
Are you considering this man because he is younger than the old man? If your reason for not marrying the first man is because he is separated from his wife shouldn’t this younger man also be disqualified by you also?
Frankly, you will never know the will of God for you until you are prepared to be straightforward.
To help yourself find happiness, answer this question. Is your reservation because the Bible as you quoted hates divorce or because you are choosy?
First and foremost, even though the Bible is against divorce, it also goes ahead to give condition on which a couple can divorce. It says when a person marries an unbeliever and that person decides to go, the one left behind can remarry as long as he or she marries a believer. So there are conditions attached to everything we do in this world.
The journey of life is one that requires godly wisdom to navigate to safety. The Bible is such a complete book that requires so much understanding and intimacy with its author to comprehend as well as appreciate.
You don’t have age on your side and if you haven’t told the truth to yourself before, this is the time for you to begin to look at the many mistakes you have made along the road.
It is either you have made up your mind not to entertain a divorcee at all because of your religious beliefs or do yourself a world of good by being factual with your situation and choices.
A wise woman would not just dismiss these guys but would listen to their reasons for their divorce. What happened between the marriages of these men and their wives? The gospel truth about life is that not every marriage would work, because at the time of their conception, God wasn’t invited into it. A lot of couples got married for the wrong reasons and if they are not smart enough to go back to God for assistance in mending the wrong bends, such marriages will eventually collapse.
Find out what the situation is between these men and the women they were once married to. Ask questions to find out where the fault came from as well as the chances of reconciliation between these men and their estrange wives.
If there is a chance that both of them may come back, don’t venture into it. But if the separation is conclusive and the man has the support of his children to remarry, you could consider it as long as you have prayed about it.
Furthermore you must learn to tell the truth at all times. From your mail, it is obvious that the younger man has stirred something inside of you and that you are secretly considering him even though he is a divorcee. However, it would be unfair to go into anything with him without telling him the truth about your age. Give him the right to decide whether he would still go ahead with you or not. Your friend could be right that you would not have problems with him, but if you begin your relationship on a note of untruths or half truths, there is no way you won’t have problems with him.
If you deceive him into going into a relationship without telling him your actual age, chances are he would eventually leave you more hurt and disillusioned.
Irrespective of how young you may look, fact is you are older than he is. So do the right thing by telling him how old you really are. Honestly, if he eventually finds out that you lied about your age, he would find it very difficult to trust you again. Without trust no relationship can survive the accompanying challenges of two strangers coming together.
One of the important lessons of life is to admit to your weakness and strength at all times. Don’t follow the bandwagon if it doesn’t work for you. Learn to stand to be counted on the side of your strength at all time to avoid being blamed for doing what you think is right. You have to learn the uniqueness that is you to avoid irreparable damage down the road. Listen more to that tiny voice inside of you than the cacophony around you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Sincerely, I always appreciate the gift of God in your life.
I would like to seek your opinion on this matter. I am a Christian lady who has been praying for who to marry for years now. I will clock 40 this year. I have total assurance that this is my year.
At the beginning of this year, an old man who had been separated from his wife approached me for marriage, which I totally disagree to.
Not quite long, a friend introduced me to a brother who told me many things about his past, he is also separated from his wife although younger than I am, but he doesn’t know because I am blessed with fine looks.
He hasn’t taken legal step to terminate the marriage, but has plans to do so. His wife started misbehaving because she couldn’t conceive after three years of marriage and eventually left him.
The Bible says male and female He created them from the beginning. A man shall leave his father and mother not his former wife.
My friend is definite I will not have problem with him. Could that be my male?
Rinsola
Dear Rinsola,
How honest are you to yourself? If at 40 you don’t have an idea of what you want from life when will you?
Are you considering this man because he is younger than the old man? If your reason for not marrying the first man is because he is separated from his wife shouldn’t this younger man also be disqualified by you also?
Frankly, you will never know the will of God for you until you are prepared to be straightforward.
To help yourself find happiness, answer this question. Is your reservation because the Bible as you quoted hates divorce or because you are choosy?
First and foremost, even though the Bible is against divorce, it also goes ahead to give condition on which a couple can divorce. It says when a person marries an unbeliever and that person decides to go, the one left behind can remarry as long as he or she marries a believer. So there are conditions attached to everything we do in this world.
The journey of life is one that requires godly wisdom to navigate to safety. The Bible is such a complete book that requires so much understanding and intimacy with its author to comprehend as well as appreciate.
You don’t have age on your side and if you haven’t told the truth to yourself before, this is the time for you to begin to look at the many mistakes you have made along the road.
It is either you have made up your mind not to entertain a divorcee at all because of your religious beliefs or do yourself a world of good by being factual with your situation and choices.
A wise woman would not just dismiss these guys but would listen to their reasons for their divorce. What happened between the marriages of these men and their wives? The gospel truth about life is that not every marriage would work, because at the time of their conception, God wasn’t invited into it. A lot of couples got married for the wrong reasons and if they are not smart enough to go back to God for assistance in mending the wrong bends, such marriages will eventually collapse.
Find out what the situation is between these men and the women they were once married to. Ask questions to find out where the fault came from as well as the chances of reconciliation between these men and their estrange wives.
If there is a chance that both of them may come back, don’t venture into it. But if the separation is conclusive and the man has the support of his children to remarry, you could consider it as long as you have prayed about it.
Furthermore you must learn to tell the truth at all times. From your mail, it is obvious that the younger man has stirred something inside of you and that you are secretly considering him even though he is a divorcee. However, it would be unfair to go into anything with him without telling him the truth about your age. Give him the right to decide whether he would still go ahead with you or not. Your friend could be right that you would not have problems with him, but if you begin your relationship on a note of untruths or half truths, there is no way you won’t have problems with him.
If you deceive him into going into a relationship without telling him your actual age, chances are he would eventually leave you more hurt and disillusioned.
Irrespective of how young you may look, fact is you are older than he is. So do the right thing by telling him how old you really are. Honestly, if he eventually finds out that you lied about your age, he would find it very difficult to trust you again. Without trust no relationship can survive the accompanying challenges of two strangers coming together.
One of the important lessons of life is to admit to your weakness and strength at all times. Don’t follow the bandwagon if it doesn’t work for you. Learn to stand to be counted on the side of your strength at all time to avoid being blamed for doing what you think is right. You have to learn the uniqueness that is you to avoid irreparable damage down the road. Listen more to that tiny voice inside of you than the cacophony around you.
Good luck.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Do I need to marry again?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I became a widow at an early age. Due of my experiences after the death of my husband I am scared of remarrying. Do you think it is better I remain single with my baby or remarry? And secondly I lack what it takes to love another man that comes my way. What should I do?
Worried Widow.
Dear Worried Widow,
Widowhood on its own is traumatic, and in our society has been made more painful by the treatment given to the bereaved woman from the deceased family.
To dwell on this is to shortchange yourself and deny your child of the benefit of having a stable father figure in life. Also, you would be giving your accusers every reason to continue to torment you.
The fact that your husband died early doesn’t mean you have allowed your happiness and that of your child to die with him. There is no way you would have prevented his death. So don’t allow guilt and what people would say stop you from being happy.
Only the living lives life. He got down from the bus of life at his designated bus stop. Even if you had offered him your life, there is no changing what God has ordained.
Refusing to marry would not bring him back just as marrying another man won’t erase his memory from your heart and life. That time you shared with him would remain indelible. He place in your heart would never be taken by another man.
Apart from the gift of that child, your history will never be completed without a mention of him. He would forever remain special in your life.
But life didn’t plan for both of you to spend your entire lives together. You have been separated by death, and live you must. In your shoes, he too would consider remarrying after sometime. So don’t feel you are betraying him by living again.
You may not need a man for now, but after a while you definitely would need the companionship of a man in your life. It would also get to a point you would need more than sex from a man. Having been married before you would eventually want marriage all over again. Don’t forget that you didn’t plan separation, it happened because you lost your husband to death.
Not many women can live without a man in their lives. Your child may for now give you all the comfort you need but won’t always be there for you. That child has a life and would one day leave the nest.
It is that day you must begin to plan towards so you don’t become an over possessive, become a hindrance rather than a blessing to this child. Chances are if you don’t plan a life of your own outside this child, you would be. It is always very difficult especially for a single mother to let an only child go.
Understandably you feel this way because you are still hurting for your loss and the death of not just your husband but of all the dreams you shared. It is healthy for you to feel this way, normal for you to want to reject other men, but it would be unhealthy to cocoon yourself forever in the memories of yesterday.
Brutal as this may sound, that yesterday is gone forever. It would never come back to you. All you have are memories, cherished ones indeed!
And if uncertainty is your fear because of the bitter experiences you went through in the hands of your in-laws, these things are normal. If you were the one that died, your people too are bound to ask questions. Therefore don’t take whatever they did to heart. They have every right to demand answers to unanswered questions concerning the death and otherwise of their child. You would too if anything happens to your child. You lost a husband; they lost a child. Like you their pains would never completely heal. At least you can remarry, but there is no one that can replace him in their lives.
You need to move forward. However, don’t rush yourself into anything. Take each day as it comes. Ensure you are reasonably healed since there is no way you can ever be completely healed before allowing another man into your life.
Take each day as it comes. Allow it to be a gradual process until you are sure of him. Although this may be a little bit difficult considering you are a matured woman, used to having sex on demand, but be careful you don’t allow sex to be the prime reason for any relationship to avoid more emotional injury to yourself.
Above all, get closer to God to send a man who would not just love you but also accept your child as his.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I became a widow at an early age. Due of my experiences after the death of my husband I am scared of remarrying. Do you think it is better I remain single with my baby or remarry? And secondly I lack what it takes to love another man that comes my way. What should I do?
Worried Widow.
Dear Worried Widow,
Widowhood on its own is traumatic, and in our society has been made more painful by the treatment given to the bereaved woman from the deceased family.
To dwell on this is to shortchange yourself and deny your child of the benefit of having a stable father figure in life. Also, you would be giving your accusers every reason to continue to torment you.
The fact that your husband died early doesn’t mean you have allowed your happiness and that of your child to die with him. There is no way you would have prevented his death. So don’t allow guilt and what people would say stop you from being happy.
Only the living lives life. He got down from the bus of life at his designated bus stop. Even if you had offered him your life, there is no changing what God has ordained.
Refusing to marry would not bring him back just as marrying another man won’t erase his memory from your heart and life. That time you shared with him would remain indelible. He place in your heart would never be taken by another man.
Apart from the gift of that child, your history will never be completed without a mention of him. He would forever remain special in your life.
But life didn’t plan for both of you to spend your entire lives together. You have been separated by death, and live you must. In your shoes, he too would consider remarrying after sometime. So don’t feel you are betraying him by living again.
You may not need a man for now, but after a while you definitely would need the companionship of a man in your life. It would also get to a point you would need more than sex from a man. Having been married before you would eventually want marriage all over again. Don’t forget that you didn’t plan separation, it happened because you lost your husband to death.
Not many women can live without a man in their lives. Your child may for now give you all the comfort you need but won’t always be there for you. That child has a life and would one day leave the nest.
It is that day you must begin to plan towards so you don’t become an over possessive, become a hindrance rather than a blessing to this child. Chances are if you don’t plan a life of your own outside this child, you would be. It is always very difficult especially for a single mother to let an only child go.
Understandably you feel this way because you are still hurting for your loss and the death of not just your husband but of all the dreams you shared. It is healthy for you to feel this way, normal for you to want to reject other men, but it would be unhealthy to cocoon yourself forever in the memories of yesterday.
Brutal as this may sound, that yesterday is gone forever. It would never come back to you. All you have are memories, cherished ones indeed!
And if uncertainty is your fear because of the bitter experiences you went through in the hands of your in-laws, these things are normal. If you were the one that died, your people too are bound to ask questions. Therefore don’t take whatever they did to heart. They have every right to demand answers to unanswered questions concerning the death and otherwise of their child. You would too if anything happens to your child. You lost a husband; they lost a child. Like you their pains would never completely heal. At least you can remarry, but there is no one that can replace him in their lives.
You need to move forward. However, don’t rush yourself into anything. Take each day as it comes. Ensure you are reasonably healed since there is no way you can ever be completely healed before allowing another man into your life.
Take each day as it comes. Allow it to be a gradual process until you are sure of him. Although this may be a little bit difficult considering you are a matured woman, used to having sex on demand, but be careful you don’t allow sex to be the prime reason for any relationship to avoid more emotional injury to yourself.
Above all, get closer to God to send a man who would not just love you but also accept your child as his.
Good luck.
The place of intimacy and fasting in marriage
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Is it right for my husband to kick me out of the house because I refused to have sex with him while fasting for the well being of the family? It was only for 21 days. The painful thing is that my pastor blames me for not being wise enough. He said I should have given in to his demands when he wanted to have sex with me.
I don’t know what to do anymore as my husband insists that I should marry my religion.
What should I do?
Dear Agatha,
What normal woman would abandon her home for the church under the guise of fasting, prayers and night vigils? For three weeks now my wife hasn’t been sleeping at home because they have a special programme and vigil in church.
I have tried to reason with her but she is adamant. She even thinks I am behind her problem. I really don’t know what kind of problem she has that would make her take permanent residence in the church. I am seriously considering ending this marriage and looking for another woman who would always be available for me.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is using the excuse of our 21-day fasting programme as excuse for impregnating the house-help. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Readers,
These letters are real and not figment of my imagination. They all point to the emotional and religious struggles in most of our homes when the woman thinks spiritualism and the man emotionalism. When the man thinks his rights as husband are being denied and the woman thinks the man is unreasonable not to know that her action is for the general good of the family.
Vigils and fasting have become the order of the day. Unfortunately an exercise meant to protect the marriage and the people in it from problems is turning out to be a major source of marital conflicts, some serious enough to lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
From the tones of these letters, men and women have different views on the subject of fasting and sex that it is almost impossible for a truce to be brokered; unless of course the matter comes to a head.
Due to the many questions and letters like these about the place of sex and fasting in marriage, I have decided to go into clinic today.
To get a very good understanding of this issue, it is important we get a clear view on the reason for marriage.
Right from the beginning, God made it clear that two shall become one and that what He has brought together, no man should put asunder; that once a man or woman gets married; his or her body automatically becomes the property of his or her partner.
To ensure smooth running of the home, He put the man in charge while the woman’s role is to give support at all times to her husband. Therefore a woman must at all times consider the consequence of her action on her husband or marriage.
Support could be spiritual, physical, emotional as well as financial.
One of the cardinal reasons is for the purpose of procreation. Unlike lesser animals who have the freedom to engage in the act that leads to procreation without restrictions, the human being must go through legal and customary process to enjoy the gift of sex. Unfortunately, men generally still retain this basic animalistic instinct; the one that gets them going by the sight of an attractive female. While a woman has the ability to endure for days, most men cannot do without the company of a woman for more than two days.
This is because sex comes with so much more than the average man can imagine. God being who He is, is aware of the influence and pleasure of sex He is also aware of the consequences of free sex hence the need for a man and woman to first legalise their feelings before having sex.
Although sex is physical, it represents a spiritual covenant between a man and woman because of the fluid passed from one to the other as well as the seed of life that comes from it. In addition, it also satisfies the hunger of flesh in every man or woman not sworn to celibacy.
Therefore, sex represents the lifeline of every marriage. Without good sex, a marriage, no matter how compatible the couple appears, would eventually go down the drain due to emotional pressures.
The potency of sex in marriage can never be overemphasised. For a lot of people, it is what makes or mars a marriage. Sex is the candle that lights up the marriage, the gum that glues as well as the mender that mends the marriage.
For the average man and woman, sex is like a life giving oxygen; it has become a leisure sport for both young and old. Its popularity is such that it has almost become old fashioned for a young lady to marry as a virgin or for a man to remain faithful to his vows.
The permissiveness of the society makes it very easy for the man to hop freely from one woman to the other like a social butterfly in his quest for the excitement sex offers. The woman on the other hand is expected to do everything within her powers not to give her man an excuse to look outside the home. Unfortunately, sex has become so common place that children not yet in their teens are already engaged in it.
It has become the opium that the entire human race is dependent on. Despite attempts to play down on its influence, it has not only continued to dig the graves of most marriages but also at hand to say its requiem mass.
This is why wise married women do everything to ensure, that their men don’t stray, of tempted to find solace in the arms of another woman by being always available when the man comes demanding for his rights.
However, religion and its demands are now conflicting with the limitless access God gave to married couples to have sex on demand.
Increasingly, married men are complaining of neglect by their wives. Chiefly among complains is that women are using religious practices like prayer and fasting to deny them of their rights at home.
On the surface, sex and religion are a strange mix but, when viewed from the point that we are all products of somebody’s sex life and decision, plus the fact that every natural creation around the world evolves from the act of procreation, it then follows that it cannot be separated from religion.
Marriage itself flourishes under the influence of sex. A childless marriage is considered a failure and for a marriage to be considered fruitful, it must produce children.
While a marriage can survive without religion, it cannot survive without sex. Sex was decreed into marriage by God Himself when He instructed Adam and Eve to go into the world and procreate.
Therefore any woman who places fasting and prayers above her role as a wife to her husband, risks losing her value in her husband’s house. Men by nature are turned on by sight and if not getting attention from his wife can easily be distracted by another woman.
This is why fasting must not be used by any woman to deny her husband of his rights. In the night, after prayers, a married woman has the freedom to be intimate with her husband if he demands it else she exposes him to undue temptation from other women.
A wise woman should be able to marry her spiritual responsibilities to her home with her physical duties. It would be an effort in futility if after all her prayers and night vigils, she comes back home to meet another woman in her place.
Even where permission has been given by the man for his wife to precede on her fasting programme, once he changes his mind about letting her be, she should discontinue. This won’t stop God from hearing her prayers since He ordained the first marriage on earth.
Any woman who embarks on a religious programme to the detriment of her home risks losing everything. When a woman denies her husband access to her body, she makes him and her home very vulnerable to a woman on the prowl. A man on heat is beyond reason and would have done it before thinking of the consequences of his act.
A testimony should accompany every religious programme but in a situation where it ends in tears and regrets, wisdom is required. Only a wise woman knows that as second in command in the family set up, her religion is tied to her commander, in-chief’s happiness and the peace of her home.
Dear Agatha,
Is it right for my husband to kick me out of the house because I refused to have sex with him while fasting for the well being of the family? It was only for 21 days. The painful thing is that my pastor blames me for not being wise enough. He said I should have given in to his demands when he wanted to have sex with me.
I don’t know what to do anymore as my husband insists that I should marry my religion.
What should I do?
Dear Agatha,
What normal woman would abandon her home for the church under the guise of fasting, prayers and night vigils? For three weeks now my wife hasn’t been sleeping at home because they have a special programme and vigil in church.
I have tried to reason with her but she is adamant. She even thinks I am behind her problem. I really don’t know what kind of problem she has that would make her take permanent residence in the church. I am seriously considering ending this marriage and looking for another woman who would always be available for me.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is using the excuse of our 21-day fasting programme as excuse for impregnating the house-help. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Readers,
These letters are real and not figment of my imagination. They all point to the emotional and religious struggles in most of our homes when the woman thinks spiritualism and the man emotionalism. When the man thinks his rights as husband are being denied and the woman thinks the man is unreasonable not to know that her action is for the general good of the family.
Vigils and fasting have become the order of the day. Unfortunately an exercise meant to protect the marriage and the people in it from problems is turning out to be a major source of marital conflicts, some serious enough to lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
From the tones of these letters, men and women have different views on the subject of fasting and sex that it is almost impossible for a truce to be brokered; unless of course the matter comes to a head.
Due to the many questions and letters like these about the place of sex and fasting in marriage, I have decided to go into clinic today.
To get a very good understanding of this issue, it is important we get a clear view on the reason for marriage.
Right from the beginning, God made it clear that two shall become one and that what He has brought together, no man should put asunder; that once a man or woman gets married; his or her body automatically becomes the property of his or her partner.
To ensure smooth running of the home, He put the man in charge while the woman’s role is to give support at all times to her husband. Therefore a woman must at all times consider the consequence of her action on her husband or marriage.
Support could be spiritual, physical, emotional as well as financial.
One of the cardinal reasons is for the purpose of procreation. Unlike lesser animals who have the freedom to engage in the act that leads to procreation without restrictions, the human being must go through legal and customary process to enjoy the gift of sex. Unfortunately, men generally still retain this basic animalistic instinct; the one that gets them going by the sight of an attractive female. While a woman has the ability to endure for days, most men cannot do without the company of a woman for more than two days.
This is because sex comes with so much more than the average man can imagine. God being who He is, is aware of the influence and pleasure of sex He is also aware of the consequences of free sex hence the need for a man and woman to first legalise their feelings before having sex.
Although sex is physical, it represents a spiritual covenant between a man and woman because of the fluid passed from one to the other as well as the seed of life that comes from it. In addition, it also satisfies the hunger of flesh in every man or woman not sworn to celibacy.
Therefore, sex represents the lifeline of every marriage. Without good sex, a marriage, no matter how compatible the couple appears, would eventually go down the drain due to emotional pressures.
The potency of sex in marriage can never be overemphasised. For a lot of people, it is what makes or mars a marriage. Sex is the candle that lights up the marriage, the gum that glues as well as the mender that mends the marriage.
For the average man and woman, sex is like a life giving oxygen; it has become a leisure sport for both young and old. Its popularity is such that it has almost become old fashioned for a young lady to marry as a virgin or for a man to remain faithful to his vows.
The permissiveness of the society makes it very easy for the man to hop freely from one woman to the other like a social butterfly in his quest for the excitement sex offers. The woman on the other hand is expected to do everything within her powers not to give her man an excuse to look outside the home. Unfortunately, sex has become so common place that children not yet in their teens are already engaged in it.
It has become the opium that the entire human race is dependent on. Despite attempts to play down on its influence, it has not only continued to dig the graves of most marriages but also at hand to say its requiem mass.
This is why wise married women do everything to ensure, that their men don’t stray, of tempted to find solace in the arms of another woman by being always available when the man comes demanding for his rights.
However, religion and its demands are now conflicting with the limitless access God gave to married couples to have sex on demand.
Increasingly, married men are complaining of neglect by their wives. Chiefly among complains is that women are using religious practices like prayer and fasting to deny them of their rights at home.
On the surface, sex and religion are a strange mix but, when viewed from the point that we are all products of somebody’s sex life and decision, plus the fact that every natural creation around the world evolves from the act of procreation, it then follows that it cannot be separated from religion.
Marriage itself flourishes under the influence of sex. A childless marriage is considered a failure and for a marriage to be considered fruitful, it must produce children.
While a marriage can survive without religion, it cannot survive without sex. Sex was decreed into marriage by God Himself when He instructed Adam and Eve to go into the world and procreate.
Therefore any woman who places fasting and prayers above her role as a wife to her husband, risks losing her value in her husband’s house. Men by nature are turned on by sight and if not getting attention from his wife can easily be distracted by another woman.
This is why fasting must not be used by any woman to deny her husband of his rights. In the night, after prayers, a married woman has the freedom to be intimate with her husband if he demands it else she exposes him to undue temptation from other women.
A wise woman should be able to marry her spiritual responsibilities to her home with her physical duties. It would be an effort in futility if after all her prayers and night vigils, she comes back home to meet another woman in her place.
Even where permission has been given by the man for his wife to precede on her fasting programme, once he changes his mind about letting her be, she should discontinue. This won’t stop God from hearing her prayers since He ordained the first marriage on earth.
Any woman who embarks on a religious programme to the detriment of her home risks losing everything. When a woman denies her husband access to her body, she makes him and her home very vulnerable to a woman on the prowl. A man on heat is beyond reason and would have done it before thinking of the consequences of his act.
A testimony should accompany every religious programme but in a situation where it ends in tears and regrets, wisdom is required. Only a wise woman knows that as second in command in the family set up, her religion is tied to her commander, in-chief’s happiness and the peace of her home.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Falling for a man outside my wedlock…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I admire your column so much, but I never knew I would one day write you for help. I’m 29 years old, married to a wonderful man. Ever since I met my husband I never cheated on him till we got married. I got married three months after getting a job in a corporate organisation, and I’m still there.
I don’t know how it happened but one day I discovered I have fallen in love with one of my colleagues whom I have always been very close to.
Since discovering my feelings for him, I have kept the knowledge to myself, refusing to tell anybody. Yet I am always jealous of any woman I see close to him. So far I have been able to control my jealousy.
We exchange phone calls even though I do most of the callings. One Saturday I called him to enquire about his health. Later that day, I saw his missed call on my phone and tried returning his call but he didn’t pick my call immediately. When he eventually did, he said there was something he wanted to ask me but that he will do that on Monday when we see in the office. He eventually didn’t. So I made up my mind to call him after work to ask what he wanted to discuss with me.
I was very angry and made up my mind never to talk to him when he refused to pick my call. He eventually came back to talk to me. And when I got home I called to ask if I was in any way disturbing him. He said I wasn’t and demanded that we chat on our blackberry phones.
While we were chatting, he told me he desired a woman like me for a wife. I told him I didn’t have any friend I can recommend to him, I also added that I didn’t want any woman hurting him. He insisted I come clean with the truth; that he knows I can’t tolerate the thoughts of another woman in his life. Agatha, that is the truth. I love him and if there is another word stronger than love, it is what I feel for this man.
I was surprised he felt something for me; this made me to admit my feelings for him. He told me how much he loved and wanted me in his life. He invited me to his house I went and we played together but didn’t make love that night.
I felt like going back. I saw him twice after that because he is on his annual leave. But now he wants us to stop seeing each other. It is making me go crazy.
Agatha the whole world might want to stone me to death but I want to be sincere here what I feel for him. You cannot imagine it. I know he feels the same way but he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and he avoids me. I don’t want to have sex with him but just to be close to him like a soul mate. I respect the fact that I’m married and seeing another man is not good before man and God. But please all I want is to be close to him.
I’m in pain right now and I’m going crazy and feel like ending it all.
What should I do? I love him so much and nobody can change that, but this is killing me. I need help before I go crazy. Please all I want is to be close to him, the love has been there for long and I never felt that way for anyone before now. I know people will call me names but please I don’t want to lose him. I want him as friend, someone I can confide in. I want people to understand the way I feel. I am in love with my husband but not this way. Please I need your sincere help and very urgent too.
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
Infatuation is a very strong emotion, more compelling than love because it is blind to reason and logic. And like Tsunami it ends up leaving so much destruction in its wake.
You must fight this feeling, because if you were not careful, it would make you lose everything that matters to you in life: your husband, self-respect, the love of your family and your essence as a human being. It is not just what the world thinks of you but what you would do to yourself at the end of the day.
It isn’t just about saving your marriage but everything your parents have worked to make you as well as the little you contributed to your person. The fact that you are so confused and acting out of character portends danger to your sanity as a person. If you don’t develop the will power to put an end to this emotion, you might end up with a mental problem or very severe psychological situation that would make people keep their distance from you.
For your own sake, more than your marriage, resist whatever it is that you feel for this man. You have to let go of him, he isn’t yours, and will never be. What you feel isn’t real; it is strong quite all right but it is an illusion, an addiction you have allowed to develop uncontrollably. Like every case of addiction, the beginning looks promising, tempting and soothing but like cancer, it leaves the body hollow and yearning for escape from the pains of reality.
This guy has done the right thing by asking to end a relationship that should not have started in the first place. He is aware of the spiritual danger of sleeping with another man’s wife, hence his desire to stop whatever he has started with you.
It is in your interest to help yourself stop this feeling. There is nothing wrong in admiring a member of the opposite sex but what is wrong is to be irresponsible about it. How would you feel if your husband develops this strong feeling for another woman, to the extent of spending intimate moments with her even at night?
How would you sincerely feel if your husband is refusing to let go of the woman? No matter how much you love this man, think of your home and husband. You married him because you feel something very special for him. Don’t you think it is so unfair to him, the vows you publicly took to honour, love and cherish him till death separates you both?
Have you considered the possibility of your husband finding out about your relationship with this man and you getting pregnant at about the same time? Do you think your husband would ever accept responsibility of the child or believe you haven’t slept with this man? What do you think would become of the child born into such a controversy? Do you think your own child would ever forgive or respect you if told about what you did?
The best way out of this is to take a break. Go on your annual leave to detoxify your emotional system. You need to put a distance between you and this man. If you and your husband can manage it, it is advisable for both of you to take your vacation together. His presence would help you overcome your addiction to this other man.
Furthermore, you need his warmth, love and assurance to heal you. The vacation would help you catch up with reality; point you at the things that are of utmost importance to you as well as give you confidence in the choice you have made.
By learning to fall in love with your husband again, you open the way for healing in your marriage.
Another thing is to delete his number from your phone. It is also imperative you do to avoid your husband chancing on text messages you have both exchanged as well as stop that urge of calling him.
Replace his memories with ones of your husband, your early meeting, the day you both agreed to marry, your wedding day and other special moments you have had. Think of the plans, your plans together, his trust and confidence in you. Importantly, recall the reason you agreed to marry him among all the men that came your way. He must have something extra special for you to have agreed to his proposal out of the several that came your way.
If you know it is impossible for you to completely forget, consider changing employers. It may take a while for you to find somewhere else but life is about sacrifices, and your marriage is the most vital to you now.
There is no way you can be friends now with this man, there is too much at stake. Perhaps in later years, when you are matured enough to handle yourself better, definitely not now. You lack the discipline to have him for a friend now. Make your husband your best friend.
Do ask God for strength to resist the temptation this other man represents.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I admire your column so much, but I never knew I would one day write you for help. I’m 29 years old, married to a wonderful man. Ever since I met my husband I never cheated on him till we got married. I got married three months after getting a job in a corporate organisation, and I’m still there.
I don’t know how it happened but one day I discovered I have fallen in love with one of my colleagues whom I have always been very close to.
Since discovering my feelings for him, I have kept the knowledge to myself, refusing to tell anybody. Yet I am always jealous of any woman I see close to him. So far I have been able to control my jealousy.
We exchange phone calls even though I do most of the callings. One Saturday I called him to enquire about his health. Later that day, I saw his missed call on my phone and tried returning his call but he didn’t pick my call immediately. When he eventually did, he said there was something he wanted to ask me but that he will do that on Monday when we see in the office. He eventually didn’t. So I made up my mind to call him after work to ask what he wanted to discuss with me.
I was very angry and made up my mind never to talk to him when he refused to pick my call. He eventually came back to talk to me. And when I got home I called to ask if I was in any way disturbing him. He said I wasn’t and demanded that we chat on our blackberry phones.
While we were chatting, he told me he desired a woman like me for a wife. I told him I didn’t have any friend I can recommend to him, I also added that I didn’t want any woman hurting him. He insisted I come clean with the truth; that he knows I can’t tolerate the thoughts of another woman in his life. Agatha, that is the truth. I love him and if there is another word stronger than love, it is what I feel for this man.
I was surprised he felt something for me; this made me to admit my feelings for him. He told me how much he loved and wanted me in his life. He invited me to his house I went and we played together but didn’t make love that night.
I felt like going back. I saw him twice after that because he is on his annual leave. But now he wants us to stop seeing each other. It is making me go crazy.
Agatha the whole world might want to stone me to death but I want to be sincere here what I feel for him. You cannot imagine it. I know he feels the same way but he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and he avoids me. I don’t want to have sex with him but just to be close to him like a soul mate. I respect the fact that I’m married and seeing another man is not good before man and God. But please all I want is to be close to him.
I’m in pain right now and I’m going crazy and feel like ending it all.
What should I do? I love him so much and nobody can change that, but this is killing me. I need help before I go crazy. Please all I want is to be close to him, the love has been there for long and I never felt that way for anyone before now. I know people will call me names but please I don’t want to lose him. I want him as friend, someone I can confide in. I want people to understand the way I feel. I am in love with my husband but not this way. Please I need your sincere help and very urgent too.
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
Infatuation is a very strong emotion, more compelling than love because it is blind to reason and logic. And like Tsunami it ends up leaving so much destruction in its wake.
You must fight this feeling, because if you were not careful, it would make you lose everything that matters to you in life: your husband, self-respect, the love of your family and your essence as a human being. It is not just what the world thinks of you but what you would do to yourself at the end of the day.
It isn’t just about saving your marriage but everything your parents have worked to make you as well as the little you contributed to your person. The fact that you are so confused and acting out of character portends danger to your sanity as a person. If you don’t develop the will power to put an end to this emotion, you might end up with a mental problem or very severe psychological situation that would make people keep their distance from you.
For your own sake, more than your marriage, resist whatever it is that you feel for this man. You have to let go of him, he isn’t yours, and will never be. What you feel isn’t real; it is strong quite all right but it is an illusion, an addiction you have allowed to develop uncontrollably. Like every case of addiction, the beginning looks promising, tempting and soothing but like cancer, it leaves the body hollow and yearning for escape from the pains of reality.
This guy has done the right thing by asking to end a relationship that should not have started in the first place. He is aware of the spiritual danger of sleeping with another man’s wife, hence his desire to stop whatever he has started with you.
It is in your interest to help yourself stop this feeling. There is nothing wrong in admiring a member of the opposite sex but what is wrong is to be irresponsible about it. How would you feel if your husband develops this strong feeling for another woman, to the extent of spending intimate moments with her even at night?
How would you sincerely feel if your husband is refusing to let go of the woman? No matter how much you love this man, think of your home and husband. You married him because you feel something very special for him. Don’t you think it is so unfair to him, the vows you publicly took to honour, love and cherish him till death separates you both?
Have you considered the possibility of your husband finding out about your relationship with this man and you getting pregnant at about the same time? Do you think your husband would ever accept responsibility of the child or believe you haven’t slept with this man? What do you think would become of the child born into such a controversy? Do you think your own child would ever forgive or respect you if told about what you did?
The best way out of this is to take a break. Go on your annual leave to detoxify your emotional system. You need to put a distance between you and this man. If you and your husband can manage it, it is advisable for both of you to take your vacation together. His presence would help you overcome your addiction to this other man.
Furthermore, you need his warmth, love and assurance to heal you. The vacation would help you catch up with reality; point you at the things that are of utmost importance to you as well as give you confidence in the choice you have made.
By learning to fall in love with your husband again, you open the way for healing in your marriage.
Another thing is to delete his number from your phone. It is also imperative you do to avoid your husband chancing on text messages you have both exchanged as well as stop that urge of calling him.
Replace his memories with ones of your husband, your early meeting, the day you both agreed to marry, your wedding day and other special moments you have had. Think of the plans, your plans together, his trust and confidence in you. Importantly, recall the reason you agreed to marry him among all the men that came your way. He must have something extra special for you to have agreed to his proposal out of the several that came your way.
If you know it is impossible for you to completely forget, consider changing employers. It may take a while for you to find somewhere else but life is about sacrifices, and your marriage is the most vital to you now.
There is no way you can be friends now with this man, there is too much at stake. Perhaps in later years, when you are matured enough to handle yourself better, definitely not now. You lack the discipline to have him for a friend now. Make your husband your best friend.
Do ask God for strength to resist the temptation this other man represents.
Good luck
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tales of my love life worry mum…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I met my man in 2008. But we started dating in 2009, and saw for the first time in August 2010 when he came to Nigeria.
He loves and cares for me.
However, when I informed my pastor about him, I was told that he has a lady back in the United Kingdom who is also interested in him.
According to the pastor, he would pray for the other woman to leave him alone for me if I sow a seed to God. He said he would send me his bank account. I have also never met him but we do discuss on the phone regularly.
My mother is worried because I am 30 years of age.
Worried Spinster.
Dear Worried Spinster,
Be careful. In life when one is in too much haste and too desperate, he or she risks danger of fatal mistake.
Marriage is one institution that should not be hurried into. More often than not we have within us the ability to see clearly into what God wants for us but are blinded by our own desires to do things our own way.
Being 30 years of age isn’t the end of the world. Life has too much to offer anybody as long as the person has the faith that no matter what he or she is passing through is temporary.
Don’t allow your desperation make you become victim to spiritual contractors, who are always seeing one vision or the other to defraud their victims.
There is no way the man you are currently dating would not have a past just as you have a past too. Behind every story of a relationship break up is pocket of regret. One of the parties would always want things to continue the way they are. If he was interested in this other woman, he won’t be with you. There is always a man or woman desiring for someone.
He couldn’t have gone through life without making an impression in the heart of a woman. That there is a woman interested in him is therefore not a strange vision that would warrant a so-called man of God money to dislodge. If he is true to the service of God, he won’t demand money for prayers. The glory of any ministry entrusted to anyone is how many people give happily to its progress.
God isn’t into trade by barter so none of his representatives is allowed to trade with his or her gift. Freely it was given by God and freely it should be used to the glory of His name.
Ignore his demand for any money as condition for his prayers. Sincerely, you don’t need such men of God in your life. Chances are if you do, he would continue to see different visions aimed at frightening you to part with more money.
Instead concentrate on making this man happy, of consolidating his interest in you. Granted other women will always try to get him to notice and be with them, but a lot depends on your attitude and treatment of him.
No matter what you hear, learn to be matured about it. You have no business with any other woman in his life. He remains your interest and concern. Learn to ignore any side talk that has the power to distract you from giving him your best. Don’t nag him about any other woman; learn to be patient, tolerant, friendly, supportive, understanding, prayerful, respectful and loyal to him.
You have to show him that you are not just another woman to him but his friend, sister, mother, and cheerleader.
A lot would depend on how well you manage your personality, temperament and strength of character. If you were the kind of woman easily frightened at the mention of other women in his life, you would completely lose focus of your importance to him just as you would frighten him off you. No man wants a nag for a wife or one who is constantly suspicious of his every move.
The average man wants freedom to be the head at all times. Even when you know he is into other women outside you, learn to keep your cool and market your best at that point in time. You have to constantly remind him that among all the women in his life, you are the only one who has what it takes to make him happy.
Even if you pay this pastor to pray the other woman out of his life, if you don’t have the right kind of character and attitude, other women would still float into his life. How much money do you have to keep this pastor on your payroll to be praying for you every second of your life?
A wise woman in addition to adopting the right kind of attitude never tires of praying to God personally. You are the one in the relationship, have the knowledge of the pains you are enduring as well as the kind of life you have always wanted with your husband.
Go on your knees and ask God to personally intervene on your behalf. As long as God is in your relationship and life, there is no challenge you cannot face and defeat. Sometimes it takes extra time with God and unconditional faith in Him but such situations eventually give way to the desires of God.
Your situation isn’t beyond Him. At 30, you are not old or without hope. Just learn to trust God more and less on the powers of men if you want to be happy in life. If this man is yours, no woman can stop you and him from being together.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I met my man in 2008. But we started dating in 2009, and saw for the first time in August 2010 when he came to Nigeria.
He loves and cares for me.
However, when I informed my pastor about him, I was told that he has a lady back in the United Kingdom who is also interested in him.
According to the pastor, he would pray for the other woman to leave him alone for me if I sow a seed to God. He said he would send me his bank account. I have also never met him but we do discuss on the phone regularly.
My mother is worried because I am 30 years of age.
Worried Spinster.
Dear Worried Spinster,
Be careful. In life when one is in too much haste and too desperate, he or she risks danger of fatal mistake.
Marriage is one institution that should not be hurried into. More often than not we have within us the ability to see clearly into what God wants for us but are blinded by our own desires to do things our own way.
Being 30 years of age isn’t the end of the world. Life has too much to offer anybody as long as the person has the faith that no matter what he or she is passing through is temporary.
Don’t allow your desperation make you become victim to spiritual contractors, who are always seeing one vision or the other to defraud their victims.
There is no way the man you are currently dating would not have a past just as you have a past too. Behind every story of a relationship break up is pocket of regret. One of the parties would always want things to continue the way they are. If he was interested in this other woman, he won’t be with you. There is always a man or woman desiring for someone.
He couldn’t have gone through life without making an impression in the heart of a woman. That there is a woman interested in him is therefore not a strange vision that would warrant a so-called man of God money to dislodge. If he is true to the service of God, he won’t demand money for prayers. The glory of any ministry entrusted to anyone is how many people give happily to its progress.
God isn’t into trade by barter so none of his representatives is allowed to trade with his or her gift. Freely it was given by God and freely it should be used to the glory of His name.
Ignore his demand for any money as condition for his prayers. Sincerely, you don’t need such men of God in your life. Chances are if you do, he would continue to see different visions aimed at frightening you to part with more money.
Instead concentrate on making this man happy, of consolidating his interest in you. Granted other women will always try to get him to notice and be with them, but a lot depends on your attitude and treatment of him.
No matter what you hear, learn to be matured about it. You have no business with any other woman in his life. He remains your interest and concern. Learn to ignore any side talk that has the power to distract you from giving him your best. Don’t nag him about any other woman; learn to be patient, tolerant, friendly, supportive, understanding, prayerful, respectful and loyal to him.
You have to show him that you are not just another woman to him but his friend, sister, mother, and cheerleader.
A lot would depend on how well you manage your personality, temperament and strength of character. If you were the kind of woman easily frightened at the mention of other women in his life, you would completely lose focus of your importance to him just as you would frighten him off you. No man wants a nag for a wife or one who is constantly suspicious of his every move.
The average man wants freedom to be the head at all times. Even when you know he is into other women outside you, learn to keep your cool and market your best at that point in time. You have to constantly remind him that among all the women in his life, you are the only one who has what it takes to make him happy.
Even if you pay this pastor to pray the other woman out of his life, if you don’t have the right kind of character and attitude, other women would still float into his life. How much money do you have to keep this pastor on your payroll to be praying for you every second of your life?
A wise woman in addition to adopting the right kind of attitude never tires of praying to God personally. You are the one in the relationship, have the knowledge of the pains you are enduring as well as the kind of life you have always wanted with your husband.
Go on your knees and ask God to personally intervene on your behalf. As long as God is in your relationship and life, there is no challenge you cannot face and defeat. Sometimes it takes extra time with God and unconditional faith in Him but such situations eventually give way to the desires of God.
Your situation isn’t beyond Him. At 30, you are not old or without hope. Just learn to trust God more and less on the powers of men if you want to be happy in life. If this man is yours, no woman can stop you and him from being together.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dying to know I still have his love…
with Auntie Agatha; email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gamil.com; 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend works as a flight attendant in one of the airlines and anytime he goes on international flight, he doesn’t deem it fit to either call or send me a text or e-mails.
His last trip was for a month. He didn’t call me, even if it was once. Agatha I am freaking out, feeling insecure and I keep thinking he has dumped me. He has been gone since December 26, no calls or messages. I can’t reach him because he isn’t mobile.
I have tried all I can to re-establish contact, but he never replies any of my messages. The only one he replied was the one concerning his marriage to his ex-girlfriend. He replied to deny the speculations, assuring me he would never do such a thing to me.
Agatha, I have this strong feeling that he has dumped me and moved on. I tried to get back at him by sleeping with another man, but this hasn’t helped my situation. Each time I sleep with this other guy, I end up crying. I always loathe myself for doing it.
Help me Agatha. I want to know if he still loves me or not and if he is tired of the relationship. Your answer would help me come to the understanding of how to handle the break up when it eventually happens
I love him, but I am tired of waiting for him. I just need him to reply me and tell me everything thing is okay but this appears very impossible.
I don’t know what to do.
Please advise me!
Sylvia.
Dear Sylvia,
I don’t have a crystal ball to know if this boyfriend of yours is tired of you or otherwise. All I know is that there is still so much for both of you to know about life and each other.
Although you didn’t state for how long you have been dating, it is obvious you don’t know much about each other. You don’t understand his person, job, temperament, and attitude towards life or his person for that matter.
He also doesn’t appear to know what would keep you happy.
Furthermore, you also don’t know what you really want from life. If you did, you won’t be sleeping with another man at all, and crying each time you give him your body. The excuse that you are trying to get back at your boyfriend doesn’t hold water. In the first place, he isn’t even aware that you are cheating on him so he can’t get hurt that you are giving yourself cheaply to another man.
It is either you are giving your body to this man because you have feelings for him or you stop deceiving yourself and face the challenge of sorting things out with your boyfriend.
Secondly, you are the one whose body is being ravaged by another man. You are the one who would get hurt in the end, whose body is being used by this other man to satisfy his sexual urge. He has no liabilities whatsoever whereas you have more liabilities to carry as a woman.
Already you are a statistic in the number of women he has slept with, you are the one who would have to bear the burden of all the other women who may have infected him with a disease or spiritual problem. There is also the likelihood of you becoming pregnant without meaning to. And should your boyfriend come back today, what would you do about this guy? Do you think it would be so easy for you to get rid of him as you do a useless piece of paper?
Don’t forget he has emotions and may not be willing to let you go as fast as you want to?
What if he decides to make trouble for you with this other man? Believe me, at the end of the day, you would be counting more losses than gains if you don’t sit down and evaluate what precisely you want from life.
What if this man is more interested in you than your body? How do you think he would feel if he finds out that you have only been using him to satisfy your sexual desires?
Before you can blame your boyfriend for abandoning you, it is important you answer this question. What is the agreement between the two of you at the inception of the relationship? Many a time we mistake causal relationships for something more serious.
If there were no prior agreement between the two of you that this relationship is meant to last forever, it would be pointless waiting indefinitely for him. Besides, you must first ascertain through his e-mail addresses what is the problem really is with him. If he is a flight attendant, there is no way unless he is on transfer that he would be away for over three months on a routine flight engagement. Have you tried to ask him what he is doing in his present location for this long? Is he all right or having problems of some sort? You may not have his mobile line but you have his e-mail contacts. If he can reply your e-mail once he can also reply another one as long as the subject is one of concern and not nagging him on why he abandoned you.
If you love him as much as you say, whatever may be the nature of your relationship, learn to concentrate more on his well-being rather than the seemingly issue of his abandonment.
Send him a mail, which shows concern for his person and health. You can only be angry with someone who is healthy or has no complication whatsoever.
Once you are sure he is okay and is simply ignoring your mails, don’t wait for him to make the decision for you. Why not fast track it by telling him of your decision to find something else to do with your life instead of wasting it while waiting for a man who appears not to like you at all.
He is bound to react to this message if you mean anything to him. If he still ignores you, please move ahead with your life. Consider what you feel for this other guy you are sleeping with. Unless you are the kind of woman who doesn’t care who she sleeps with as long as she gets what she wants, this man must have some thing special for you to have agreed to be giving him your body. The thing is you may not realise what it is because of your feelings, which are still fixed on the other man.
But if you take the time out, you would see some special features you have never bothered with before.
If you think he is your kind of man, has a semblance of what you are looking for in a man, do give yourself a chance to get to know him. You don’t know what the future holds for you.
Allow yourself to be his friend. Get to know him beyond his body. Be interested in his mind, act, ambition, dreams and disposition. You may come to find him a better and more compassionate partner than your flight attendant boyfriend.
Just give yourself the chance to be happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend works as a flight attendant in one of the airlines and anytime he goes on international flight, he doesn’t deem it fit to either call or send me a text or e-mails.
His last trip was for a month. He didn’t call me, even if it was once. Agatha I am freaking out, feeling insecure and I keep thinking he has dumped me. He has been gone since December 26, no calls or messages. I can’t reach him because he isn’t mobile.
I have tried all I can to re-establish contact, but he never replies any of my messages. The only one he replied was the one concerning his marriage to his ex-girlfriend. He replied to deny the speculations, assuring me he would never do such a thing to me.
Agatha, I have this strong feeling that he has dumped me and moved on. I tried to get back at him by sleeping with another man, but this hasn’t helped my situation. Each time I sleep with this other guy, I end up crying. I always loathe myself for doing it.
Help me Agatha. I want to know if he still loves me or not and if he is tired of the relationship. Your answer would help me come to the understanding of how to handle the break up when it eventually happens
I love him, but I am tired of waiting for him. I just need him to reply me and tell me everything thing is okay but this appears very impossible.
I don’t know what to do.
Please advise me!
Sylvia.
Dear Sylvia,
I don’t have a crystal ball to know if this boyfriend of yours is tired of you or otherwise. All I know is that there is still so much for both of you to know about life and each other.
Although you didn’t state for how long you have been dating, it is obvious you don’t know much about each other. You don’t understand his person, job, temperament, and attitude towards life or his person for that matter.
He also doesn’t appear to know what would keep you happy.
Furthermore, you also don’t know what you really want from life. If you did, you won’t be sleeping with another man at all, and crying each time you give him your body. The excuse that you are trying to get back at your boyfriend doesn’t hold water. In the first place, he isn’t even aware that you are cheating on him so he can’t get hurt that you are giving yourself cheaply to another man.
It is either you are giving your body to this man because you have feelings for him or you stop deceiving yourself and face the challenge of sorting things out with your boyfriend.
Secondly, you are the one whose body is being ravaged by another man. You are the one who would get hurt in the end, whose body is being used by this other man to satisfy his sexual urge. He has no liabilities whatsoever whereas you have more liabilities to carry as a woman.
Already you are a statistic in the number of women he has slept with, you are the one who would have to bear the burden of all the other women who may have infected him with a disease or spiritual problem. There is also the likelihood of you becoming pregnant without meaning to. And should your boyfriend come back today, what would you do about this guy? Do you think it would be so easy for you to get rid of him as you do a useless piece of paper?
Don’t forget he has emotions and may not be willing to let you go as fast as you want to?
What if he decides to make trouble for you with this other man? Believe me, at the end of the day, you would be counting more losses than gains if you don’t sit down and evaluate what precisely you want from life.
What if this man is more interested in you than your body? How do you think he would feel if he finds out that you have only been using him to satisfy your sexual desires?
Before you can blame your boyfriend for abandoning you, it is important you answer this question. What is the agreement between the two of you at the inception of the relationship? Many a time we mistake causal relationships for something more serious.
If there were no prior agreement between the two of you that this relationship is meant to last forever, it would be pointless waiting indefinitely for him. Besides, you must first ascertain through his e-mail addresses what is the problem really is with him. If he is a flight attendant, there is no way unless he is on transfer that he would be away for over three months on a routine flight engagement. Have you tried to ask him what he is doing in his present location for this long? Is he all right or having problems of some sort? You may not have his mobile line but you have his e-mail contacts. If he can reply your e-mail once he can also reply another one as long as the subject is one of concern and not nagging him on why he abandoned you.
If you love him as much as you say, whatever may be the nature of your relationship, learn to concentrate more on his well-being rather than the seemingly issue of his abandonment.
Send him a mail, which shows concern for his person and health. You can only be angry with someone who is healthy or has no complication whatsoever.
Once you are sure he is okay and is simply ignoring your mails, don’t wait for him to make the decision for you. Why not fast track it by telling him of your decision to find something else to do with your life instead of wasting it while waiting for a man who appears not to like you at all.
He is bound to react to this message if you mean anything to him. If he still ignores you, please move ahead with your life. Consider what you feel for this other guy you are sleeping with. Unless you are the kind of woman who doesn’t care who she sleeps with as long as she gets what she wants, this man must have some thing special for you to have agreed to be giving him your body. The thing is you may not realise what it is because of your feelings, which are still fixed on the other man.
But if you take the time out, you would see some special features you have never bothered with before.
If you think he is your kind of man, has a semblance of what you are looking for in a man, do give yourself a chance to get to know him. You don’t know what the future holds for you.
Allow yourself to be his friend. Get to know him beyond his body. Be interested in his mind, act, ambition, dreams and disposition. You may come to find him a better and more compassionate partner than your flight attendant boyfriend.
Just give yourself the chance to be happy.
Good luck.
Monday, March 28, 2011
He looks nice, but too short…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for over three years but we have never had sex because I am still a virgin.
The idea of no sex came from me and he graciously agreed to my terms. We are both undergraduates in different schools and hardly have enough time to be with each other due to distance of our schools.
We only get to see once in four or five months but we are constantly communicating with each other. Distance hasn’t affected our relationship. He loves me so much; even his family members adore me. He is brilliant, hardworking, caring and God fearing. He wants to marry me in future but I am finding it very difficult to give him a clear answer because he is of average height. I have always dreamt of marrying a tall man. I am a bit taller than he is.
Please I need your advice. Kindly counsel me on what to do.
Ann.
Dear Ann,
Marriage doesn’t function on the physical looks of the couple, but on what they both have inside of them. You may have dreamt of marrying a man who is tall and handsome but if God didn’t create your ideal man in that mould, what are you going to do?
Height isn’t one of those things you discover about people as the days go by; it is an obvious thing, something one notices in a person instantly. Why did you agree to his offer of friendship when you knew he wasn’t your kind of man? Why did it take you three precious years of your life to come to this realisation that a relationship you have laboured tirelessly to build isn’t worth keeping on the premise of the man’s height?
There is something you aren’t saying. Whatever that thing or whoever he or she may be, just be sure you are sincere to yourself because you would be the one to suffer the regrets at the end of the day.
How exactly has his lack of your ideal height affected the quality of your relationship with him? Granted that you need to massage your dreams, but when one gets to the junction of naked reality, some dreams simply have to die if one hopes to stay happy in life.
In life the barometer to gauge our happiness and fulfillment in life remains the quality of our relationships. Only a few can function at full capacity while in very bad and disturbing relationships. For the majority, something would always be missing in their lives once their relationship is showing signs of problems.
Before you lose one man you will never be able to replace in your life, no matter how much you try; take real time out to reflect on your three years with him. How would you rank these years? That he didn’t harass you into submitting to his sexual desires, allowed you the freedom to keep your vows, shows a man matured and extremely understanding.
A lot of young men his age would always want to experiment with sex irrespective of whatever agreement they entered into with the girls in their lives.
If for three years, he didn’t, then it underscores a man with a strong character and a deep sense of responsibility. These are rare attributes; ones very sensible women are looking for in their men.
You will understand more of life if you have the benefit of listening to a lot of women and men who have suffered emotional disability due to wrong values marketed during their youths.
Life is a journey of strong and stormy winds. Everybody needs a friend to restore confidence in one’s ability when those challenges come. As a woman you would need the support of a very friendly and supportive husband to help you realise your ambitions in life.
You would need more than the height and looks of your partner to be contented in a marriage.
Perhaps you need to take time out to reflect on those things you think are important and what is really important at the end of the day to you and your future.
If you are astute enough you will discover your answers right in your heart, know what you should do. But, more often than not the problem is accepting what would work for us. From time immemorial, the struggle to submit to the will of God for us is tougher than doing what we think is right. Life is about whom we are and not what we are or look like.
To get a good perspective to what is right and wrong for you, please go to God in prayers. It is always important you submit to His will always. Allow His spirit to direct you rightly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been dating this man for over three years but we have never had sex because I am still a virgin.
The idea of no sex came from me and he graciously agreed to my terms. We are both undergraduates in different schools and hardly have enough time to be with each other due to distance of our schools.
We only get to see once in four or five months but we are constantly communicating with each other. Distance hasn’t affected our relationship. He loves me so much; even his family members adore me. He is brilliant, hardworking, caring and God fearing. He wants to marry me in future but I am finding it very difficult to give him a clear answer because he is of average height. I have always dreamt of marrying a tall man. I am a bit taller than he is.
Please I need your advice. Kindly counsel me on what to do.
Ann.
Dear Ann,
Marriage doesn’t function on the physical looks of the couple, but on what they both have inside of them. You may have dreamt of marrying a man who is tall and handsome but if God didn’t create your ideal man in that mould, what are you going to do?
Height isn’t one of those things you discover about people as the days go by; it is an obvious thing, something one notices in a person instantly. Why did you agree to his offer of friendship when you knew he wasn’t your kind of man? Why did it take you three precious years of your life to come to this realisation that a relationship you have laboured tirelessly to build isn’t worth keeping on the premise of the man’s height?
There is something you aren’t saying. Whatever that thing or whoever he or she may be, just be sure you are sincere to yourself because you would be the one to suffer the regrets at the end of the day.
How exactly has his lack of your ideal height affected the quality of your relationship with him? Granted that you need to massage your dreams, but when one gets to the junction of naked reality, some dreams simply have to die if one hopes to stay happy in life.
In life the barometer to gauge our happiness and fulfillment in life remains the quality of our relationships. Only a few can function at full capacity while in very bad and disturbing relationships. For the majority, something would always be missing in their lives once their relationship is showing signs of problems.
Before you lose one man you will never be able to replace in your life, no matter how much you try; take real time out to reflect on your three years with him. How would you rank these years? That he didn’t harass you into submitting to his sexual desires, allowed you the freedom to keep your vows, shows a man matured and extremely understanding.
A lot of young men his age would always want to experiment with sex irrespective of whatever agreement they entered into with the girls in their lives.
If for three years, he didn’t, then it underscores a man with a strong character and a deep sense of responsibility. These are rare attributes; ones very sensible women are looking for in their men.
You will understand more of life if you have the benefit of listening to a lot of women and men who have suffered emotional disability due to wrong values marketed during their youths.
Life is a journey of strong and stormy winds. Everybody needs a friend to restore confidence in one’s ability when those challenges come. As a woman you would need the support of a very friendly and supportive husband to help you realise your ambitions in life.
You would need more than the height and looks of your partner to be contented in a marriage.
Perhaps you need to take time out to reflect on those things you think are important and what is really important at the end of the day to you and your future.
If you are astute enough you will discover your answers right in your heart, know what you should do. But, more often than not the problem is accepting what would work for us. From time immemorial, the struggle to submit to the will of God for us is tougher than doing what we think is right. Life is about whom we are and not what we are or look like.
To get a good perspective to what is right and wrong for you, please go to God in prayers. It is always important you submit to His will always. Allow His spirit to direct you rightly.
Good luck.
I quit my marriage for my boyfriend
Marriage Clinic with Auntie Agatha Edo; email; gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I got married six years ago to a man I never really liked from the beginning. I agreed to marry him because I was under intense pressure from my family members to marry. Being the only child of my parents, they wanted grandchildren.
I tried to explain to them that the man I truly loved wasn’t ready. Besides he was abroad trying to make things better for us. Initially, my parents agreed but on my 29th birthday, they gave me an ultimatum of three months to bring my own choice of a husband or they would force me to marry their best friend’s son who has never hidden his interest in me.
I didn’t know what to do. I tried in vain to get in touch with my man but he was unreachable. The friend whose contact I often use to get him too wasn’t going through.
For six months, I didn’t hear anything from him. I had no clue what was happening. Meanwhile, the pressures kept mounting so I was forced into agreeing to marry one of the men who wanted my hand in marriage.
I honestly tried to love him but I just couldn’t bring myself to. My love for my boyfriend was just too strong to let go. A year after my marriage, I got to know through a friend of mine the reason he stopped communicating with me. The hardship in that country made him marry a citizen of that country.
She made him change his phone number. She also destroyed his former sim card, threatening to report him to the authorities as a drug peddler if he does as much as call home. She gave me a number and when I called, it turned out to be him. He gave me specific time to call him. When I was able to talk to him, he told me he never stopped loving me and that he did what he did to make life comfortable for us.
I told him about my marriage and son. He told me not to worry that he would marry me when he comes back.
Perhaps this caused my carelessness and attitude to my husband. I became very rude to the point he had to report me to my parents. Still nothing changed. At a point I didn’t care if he got to know about my boyfriend. Whenever he called, I would take his calls irrespective of whether or not my husband was listening to my conversation.
When he could no longer tolerate the situation, he took some of his things and relocated to one of his flats.
I was glad but it was short lived when I discovered I was almost four months pregnant. He came back to be with me. I had twins and it was while I was nursing the twins my ex- boyfriend came back.
I left my 10 months old twins, their elder brother and husband to follow my boyfriend. I went with him to Ghana. He gave me the impression that he had come to take me back with him only for me to discover after staying with him for eight weeks that he didn’t have the intention of doing that. He left me in the hotel one night with the impression that he was going to see a business partner.
I didn’t know he was travelling back to his base that night until the next morning when the hotel staff brought a note he left for me at the reception. He begged me to forgive him that he had no intention of marrying me because he was happy with his wife and children. He told me to go back to my husband and family. In addition to my ticket back home, he gave me two thousand dollars to start a business of my choice.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I discovered too late that I loved my husband and want my family back but I don’t know how to go about it or face my husband for that matter. My parents have washed their hands off even though they are the ones caring for my children.
Cyn.
Dear Cyn,
You did act very irresponsibly and you unjustly hurt a man whose only crime was to love and care for you. That your husband came back after he left home, when you became pregnant with the twins underscores his love for you.
Only a man who is caring would endure the humiliation of listening to his wife converse in intimacy with another man without going physical with her.
A lot of men would have beaten the living daylight out of you for such show of disrespect and impudence.
The irony of life is what you are experiencing now. A lot of us don’t know the value of what we have until we are at the point of losing it or have lost it entirely.
The issue here is more than your husband. He alone cannot take you back because you have disrespected everyone involved with your marriage; your children, parents, in-laws and him.
It isn’t just that you abandoned your children but left your home and family to follow a man. What manner of love would make you abandon ten months old babies or your home for that matter?
Frankly, you didn’t act like a mother at all, let alone a wife. If for eight weeks you didn’t feel the urge to be with your babies and would have actually left them if the man hadn’t abandoned you, what guarantees are there for your parents and husband that you won’t leave them again if this man does as much as snap his fingers at you? What assurances are you going to give your husband that you won’t hurt or humiliate him again?
Love isn’t reckless; it is a feeling that goes with so much responsibilities as well as sacrifices. Love is also about wisdom; to know what is right and what isn’t. How would you feel if your husband had been the one who abandoned you with 10 months old twins and a son to be with another woman? How would you feel if he came back only after the other woman left him to be with her own family?
The questions you need to ask yourself before looking for ways to beg your husband and family is this; do you want your family back because you are now convinced that you really love him or because you have been left high and dry by the man you thought loved you as much as you loved him?
This question is critical to your recovery of your home and happiness. Your honest answer to it would determine the length you are ready to go, the humiliation you are ready to suffer in the course of getting your husband to take you back.
It is only after you have done this that you can ask God for forgiveness. The reason being if you aren’t convinced that you have come to stay through thick and thin with your man, chances are you would still hurt them beyond reason.
Forgiveness from God would help make things easier for you to redeem. At this critical stage, He is the only one who can help melt the heart of your husband, make him forgive you completely.
However, be realistic enough that it won’t be automatic and may not come very soon. Find your way back to your parents. No matter how badly you have behaved, you are still their child and only one at that. Their stance is normal. You not only disgraced them but presented them as bad parents who didn’t instill the right discipline in their child. I am sure if they hadn’t been this hard on you; you won’t realise the depth of pains you caused everyone with your behavior.
You must understand that they are under extreme pressure to ensure you don’t derail forever. Go to them and let them see how sorry you really are. Bear in mind that they have to see that you are truly sorry for them to ever trust you again. It might also take a while for them to take you back. The thing is for you not to give up; to win their hearts back and have access to your children.
Once you are able to win their trust again, they would be the ones to do the major job of reconciling you with your husband. The fact that he trusts them to care for his children shows the high regard he holds them.
If you patient, really sorry, responsible, respectful and steadfast in your resolve to win back your husband, overtime he would come back.
Just be prayerful that he hasn’t closed his mind against you forever. If he has, it would take the extra grace of God to make him change his mind.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I got married six years ago to a man I never really liked from the beginning. I agreed to marry him because I was under intense pressure from my family members to marry. Being the only child of my parents, they wanted grandchildren.
I tried to explain to them that the man I truly loved wasn’t ready. Besides he was abroad trying to make things better for us. Initially, my parents agreed but on my 29th birthday, they gave me an ultimatum of three months to bring my own choice of a husband or they would force me to marry their best friend’s son who has never hidden his interest in me.
I didn’t know what to do. I tried in vain to get in touch with my man but he was unreachable. The friend whose contact I often use to get him too wasn’t going through.
For six months, I didn’t hear anything from him. I had no clue what was happening. Meanwhile, the pressures kept mounting so I was forced into agreeing to marry one of the men who wanted my hand in marriage.
I honestly tried to love him but I just couldn’t bring myself to. My love for my boyfriend was just too strong to let go. A year after my marriage, I got to know through a friend of mine the reason he stopped communicating with me. The hardship in that country made him marry a citizen of that country.
She made him change his phone number. She also destroyed his former sim card, threatening to report him to the authorities as a drug peddler if he does as much as call home. She gave me a number and when I called, it turned out to be him. He gave me specific time to call him. When I was able to talk to him, he told me he never stopped loving me and that he did what he did to make life comfortable for us.
I told him about my marriage and son. He told me not to worry that he would marry me when he comes back.
Perhaps this caused my carelessness and attitude to my husband. I became very rude to the point he had to report me to my parents. Still nothing changed. At a point I didn’t care if he got to know about my boyfriend. Whenever he called, I would take his calls irrespective of whether or not my husband was listening to my conversation.
When he could no longer tolerate the situation, he took some of his things and relocated to one of his flats.
I was glad but it was short lived when I discovered I was almost four months pregnant. He came back to be with me. I had twins and it was while I was nursing the twins my ex- boyfriend came back.
I left my 10 months old twins, their elder brother and husband to follow my boyfriend. I went with him to Ghana. He gave me the impression that he had come to take me back with him only for me to discover after staying with him for eight weeks that he didn’t have the intention of doing that. He left me in the hotel one night with the impression that he was going to see a business partner.
I didn’t know he was travelling back to his base that night until the next morning when the hotel staff brought a note he left for me at the reception. He begged me to forgive him that he had no intention of marrying me because he was happy with his wife and children. He told me to go back to my husband and family. In addition to my ticket back home, he gave me two thousand dollars to start a business of my choice.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I discovered too late that I loved my husband and want my family back but I don’t know how to go about it or face my husband for that matter. My parents have washed their hands off even though they are the ones caring for my children.
Cyn.
Dear Cyn,
You did act very irresponsibly and you unjustly hurt a man whose only crime was to love and care for you. That your husband came back after he left home, when you became pregnant with the twins underscores his love for you.
Only a man who is caring would endure the humiliation of listening to his wife converse in intimacy with another man without going physical with her.
A lot of men would have beaten the living daylight out of you for such show of disrespect and impudence.
The irony of life is what you are experiencing now. A lot of us don’t know the value of what we have until we are at the point of losing it or have lost it entirely.
The issue here is more than your husband. He alone cannot take you back because you have disrespected everyone involved with your marriage; your children, parents, in-laws and him.
It isn’t just that you abandoned your children but left your home and family to follow a man. What manner of love would make you abandon ten months old babies or your home for that matter?
Frankly, you didn’t act like a mother at all, let alone a wife. If for eight weeks you didn’t feel the urge to be with your babies and would have actually left them if the man hadn’t abandoned you, what guarantees are there for your parents and husband that you won’t leave them again if this man does as much as snap his fingers at you? What assurances are you going to give your husband that you won’t hurt or humiliate him again?
Love isn’t reckless; it is a feeling that goes with so much responsibilities as well as sacrifices. Love is also about wisdom; to know what is right and what isn’t. How would you feel if your husband had been the one who abandoned you with 10 months old twins and a son to be with another woman? How would you feel if he came back only after the other woman left him to be with her own family?
The questions you need to ask yourself before looking for ways to beg your husband and family is this; do you want your family back because you are now convinced that you really love him or because you have been left high and dry by the man you thought loved you as much as you loved him?
This question is critical to your recovery of your home and happiness. Your honest answer to it would determine the length you are ready to go, the humiliation you are ready to suffer in the course of getting your husband to take you back.
It is only after you have done this that you can ask God for forgiveness. The reason being if you aren’t convinced that you have come to stay through thick and thin with your man, chances are you would still hurt them beyond reason.
Forgiveness from God would help make things easier for you to redeem. At this critical stage, He is the only one who can help melt the heart of your husband, make him forgive you completely.
However, be realistic enough that it won’t be automatic and may not come very soon. Find your way back to your parents. No matter how badly you have behaved, you are still their child and only one at that. Their stance is normal. You not only disgraced them but presented them as bad parents who didn’t instill the right discipline in their child. I am sure if they hadn’t been this hard on you; you won’t realise the depth of pains you caused everyone with your behavior.
You must understand that they are under extreme pressure to ensure you don’t derail forever. Go to them and let them see how sorry you really are. Bear in mind that they have to see that you are truly sorry for them to ever trust you again. It might also take a while for them to take you back. The thing is for you not to give up; to win their hearts back and have access to your children.
Once you are able to win their trust again, they would be the ones to do the major job of reconciling you with your husband. The fact that he trusts them to care for his children shows the high regard he holds them.
If you patient, really sorry, responsible, respectful and steadfast in your resolve to win back your husband, overtime he would come back.
Just be prayerful that he hasn’t closed his mind against you forever. If he has, it would take the extra grace of God to make him change his mind.
Good luck.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I need tall Nigerian as husband…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May the good Lord continue to bless you and your household as He uses you to give hope to those that have troubled relationships as well as others like us that are experiencing heartbrokenness.
You are the only reason I visit nigeriaworld.com just to read your columns.
I’m a 30-year-old single mother of a two and a half year old boy, has never been married.
My major problem in life is that I have been unlucky in my relationships. I have never been able to secure the true love of a man.
I have lived in a foreign land for 10 years. Since coming to my host country I have never liked dating men who aren’t Nigerians. I ended the relationship I was into before coming here because the man was dating other girls. He didn’t bother to hide this fact from me when I phoned to demand explanations. His parents actually told me to move on with my life. Years after he hasn’t repented.
Leaving him forced me back into the relationship market, but hasn’t been lucky to get my true idea of a Nigerian man preferably from South-East or South-South.
Unfortunately all the kinds of men that have indicated interest in dating and marrying me, though blacks but are not foreigners.
Five years ago I met a fellow Nigerian who resides as me in Europe. We started a relationship that led to our becoming live-in lovers. Sadly, barely four months into our relationship we had fallen out of love, but we continued to live together. Along the way, I got pregnant.
To be truthful, it wasn’t a mistake because he wanted a baby desperately being 13 years older than I am. Agatha, can you imagine that after we both decided to keep the pregnancy, he suddenly remembered his ex-girlfriend back in Nigeria, same girl he condemned and vowed never to have anything to do with just to deceive me. Today they are married.
I had no choice but to break up the relationship and move on with my life. I was three months pregnant.
Since then I’ve been single. The environment I live is not helping the situation. There are very few Nigerian men here. The few around here were sponsored to this country by successful prostitutes, who lavish so much money on them.
My request from you now is whether there is anyway you can help me to meet any decent, responsible, independent, matured, loving and caring man? He should be between 31 to 42 years of age. Being tall will be a huge plus, because I like tall guys.
I’ll appreciate it if you can help me find my soul mate I’m so lonely and want to love and be loved again. Interested Nigerian man can get in touch with me through this e-mail address: ismalife004@yahoo.com.
May God fill you with more wisdom and knowledge.
A.
Dear A,
If you have spent 10 years in your host country searching for a Nigerian man with no positive results to show for it, isn’t it time you reconsidered your position? Has it ever occurred to you that you may not have been destined to marry a Nigerian man?
Have you stopped to wonder why no relationship you go into with a Nigerian man is working? Have you wondered if this is God’s way of telling you, a Nigerian man will not favour you?
That you are Nigerian doesn’t mean you must marry a Nigerian man. True love is innocent of creed, tribe, colour or nationality for that matter. Love can happen in anywhere and true love comes in packages we least expect.
As a woman, you don’t have all the time in the world. What should be of concern to you is your happiness and contentment in your marriage. Rather than focusing on the nationality of your would be husband, you should concentrate on the character of the man himself.
Patriotism has no place in marriage. While it is good to be patriotic, but when it comes to marriage love reigns supreme. What is most important is that you have a soul mate, one whose love for you is unconditional and respectful. Would you rather be lied to, deceived and hurt by a man simply because he comes from Nigeria or loved by a foreigner?
Stop hurting yourself unnecessarily before it’s too late. Remember you are today a single mother because you desired a Nigerian man who at the end of the day lied to you.
Good wisdom demands a change of tactics when a particular approach to an issue is constantly failing. Open your heart to one of those men you tagged foreigners. One of them may be your Adam; the one God paired you with from heaven. There is nothing as satisfying for a man or woman like finding a true soul mate, one who is a true friend, who is forever looking out for only the good sides of the person, one who never tires of giving unconditional support.
Requesting I find a Nigerian man for you will only expose you to more emotional turmoil. Being abroad, you are prone to be used as a meal ticket by most men down here. You will only end up hurting yourself more than you have been hurt already.
You can only give your child emotional stability if you are happy in your relationship. Any wrong choice and you will be a very resentful and unhappy mother to this child. For the sake of your child be careful of the mind and quality of the person you bring into your lives. Don’t do something you will end up regretting later in life.
Rather than concentrate so much effort on looking for a Nigerian man, why not concentrate on the qualities you will live with in a man? Look for a considerate man, one who has the patience to handle and love another man’s child, who will not see you as his passport to affluence, who will give you all the support to be happy, who is sincere, respectful and man enough to handle the challenge of living with a woman. These are the qualities that indelible cosmopolitan that provides the visa to the world of happiness.
Any man coming to your life must help provide the right leadership for your son to emulate. You don’t want to bring a man into your life; you will be husband to.
Open your heart to love freely. Don’t put restrictions God hasn’t imposed on you on your heart and destiny. These things are not disappointments but God’s way of nudging you to the right direction. What is of essence is for you to be happy in your marriage. Give God the chance to make you absolutely happy and contented in life.
Good Luck.
Dear Agatha,
May the good Lord continue to bless you and your household as He uses you to give hope to those that have troubled relationships as well as others like us that are experiencing heartbrokenness.
You are the only reason I visit nigeriaworld.com just to read your columns.
I’m a 30-year-old single mother of a two and a half year old boy, has never been married.
My major problem in life is that I have been unlucky in my relationships. I have never been able to secure the true love of a man.
I have lived in a foreign land for 10 years. Since coming to my host country I have never liked dating men who aren’t Nigerians. I ended the relationship I was into before coming here because the man was dating other girls. He didn’t bother to hide this fact from me when I phoned to demand explanations. His parents actually told me to move on with my life. Years after he hasn’t repented.
Leaving him forced me back into the relationship market, but hasn’t been lucky to get my true idea of a Nigerian man preferably from South-East or South-South.
Unfortunately all the kinds of men that have indicated interest in dating and marrying me, though blacks but are not foreigners.
Five years ago I met a fellow Nigerian who resides as me in Europe. We started a relationship that led to our becoming live-in lovers. Sadly, barely four months into our relationship we had fallen out of love, but we continued to live together. Along the way, I got pregnant.
To be truthful, it wasn’t a mistake because he wanted a baby desperately being 13 years older than I am. Agatha, can you imagine that after we both decided to keep the pregnancy, he suddenly remembered his ex-girlfriend back in Nigeria, same girl he condemned and vowed never to have anything to do with just to deceive me. Today they are married.
I had no choice but to break up the relationship and move on with my life. I was three months pregnant.
Since then I’ve been single. The environment I live is not helping the situation. There are very few Nigerian men here. The few around here were sponsored to this country by successful prostitutes, who lavish so much money on them.
My request from you now is whether there is anyway you can help me to meet any decent, responsible, independent, matured, loving and caring man? He should be between 31 to 42 years of age. Being tall will be a huge plus, because I like tall guys.
I’ll appreciate it if you can help me find my soul mate I’m so lonely and want to love and be loved again. Interested Nigerian man can get in touch with me through this e-mail address: ismalife004@yahoo.com.
May God fill you with more wisdom and knowledge.
A.
Dear A,
If you have spent 10 years in your host country searching for a Nigerian man with no positive results to show for it, isn’t it time you reconsidered your position? Has it ever occurred to you that you may not have been destined to marry a Nigerian man?
Have you stopped to wonder why no relationship you go into with a Nigerian man is working? Have you wondered if this is God’s way of telling you, a Nigerian man will not favour you?
That you are Nigerian doesn’t mean you must marry a Nigerian man. True love is innocent of creed, tribe, colour or nationality for that matter. Love can happen in anywhere and true love comes in packages we least expect.
As a woman, you don’t have all the time in the world. What should be of concern to you is your happiness and contentment in your marriage. Rather than focusing on the nationality of your would be husband, you should concentrate on the character of the man himself.
Patriotism has no place in marriage. While it is good to be patriotic, but when it comes to marriage love reigns supreme. What is most important is that you have a soul mate, one whose love for you is unconditional and respectful. Would you rather be lied to, deceived and hurt by a man simply because he comes from Nigeria or loved by a foreigner?
Stop hurting yourself unnecessarily before it’s too late. Remember you are today a single mother because you desired a Nigerian man who at the end of the day lied to you.
Good wisdom demands a change of tactics when a particular approach to an issue is constantly failing. Open your heart to one of those men you tagged foreigners. One of them may be your Adam; the one God paired you with from heaven. There is nothing as satisfying for a man or woman like finding a true soul mate, one who is a true friend, who is forever looking out for only the good sides of the person, one who never tires of giving unconditional support.
Requesting I find a Nigerian man for you will only expose you to more emotional turmoil. Being abroad, you are prone to be used as a meal ticket by most men down here. You will only end up hurting yourself more than you have been hurt already.
You can only give your child emotional stability if you are happy in your relationship. Any wrong choice and you will be a very resentful and unhappy mother to this child. For the sake of your child be careful of the mind and quality of the person you bring into your lives. Don’t do something you will end up regretting later in life.
Rather than concentrate so much effort on looking for a Nigerian man, why not concentrate on the qualities you will live with in a man? Look for a considerate man, one who has the patience to handle and love another man’s child, who will not see you as his passport to affluence, who will give you all the support to be happy, who is sincere, respectful and man enough to handle the challenge of living with a woman. These are the qualities that indelible cosmopolitan that provides the visa to the world of happiness.
Any man coming to your life must help provide the right leadership for your son to emulate. You don’t want to bring a man into your life; you will be husband to.
Open your heart to love freely. Don’t put restrictions God hasn’t imposed on you on your heart and destiny. These things are not disappointments but God’s way of nudging you to the right direction. What is of essence is for you to be happy in your marriage. Give God the chance to make you absolutely happy and contented in life.
Good Luck.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
My mum frowns at my plan to marry widower
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been reading your column for a while; May God bless you and your family. I need your advice on this. I have been in a relationship for the past three years. Recently, my boyfriend came to our house for introduction. He was welcomed by my father but my mother refused to give her blessing because he is a widower.
My mother doesn’t want me to marry a widower. Agatha, I love this man so much and he loves me too. He is so caring and considerate, remains ever attentive to my needs. What should I do since my mother hates the man I love so much?
Worried lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
What do you want to do? Ditch him because your mother doesn’t agree with your choice of a widower for a husband?
Unless there is another reason other than the one your mother is advertising as her reason, please go ahead with this man. The dream of everywoman including your mother is to have a man who is caring, considerate and attentive to her needs. If she suspects him of killing his wife, she should say so rather than denying both of you the opportunity of a lifetime of happiness together.
Your life is the issue not your mother’s, who is already happy in her husband’s life. Although she is your mother but when it comes to the issue of being happy too in a man’s house, you should be more assertive unless of course you are not convinced about the choice of man you have beside you.
What your mother is trying to do here is to stigmatise this man because he is a widower. It couldn’t have been his desire to have his wife die at the time she did.
At any rate, if the wife didn’t die, you won’t have been free to love him the way you do. He has every right to be happy all over again. Death of a spouse can come at anytime. The fact that a spouse died doesn’t mean the living spouse should not attempt happiness again.
Rather than worrying about what your mother thinks of his status, why not concentrate on finding out more about the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with? You are the one wearing this shoe hence must be very comfortable with its fitting. If you truly love this man, whatever your mother is saying won’t bother you especially as your father, the head of your family unit, has accepted him.
This is the angle of worry. How much do you love this man? Are you sure your love for him is enough to withstand your mother’s position? The worry here is, if your love isn’t tough enough, you may find yourself doing your mother’s bidding and end up hurting this man again who has summoned the courage to be happy again. If you leave or hurt him, you will be doing more harm to him than the death of his first wife did.
It will bring back all the memories of that past he wants to move away from by offering to share his life with you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to want to try again, not knowing what the future holds for him with you. The heart of this man is tender, hence the need to treat him with care, respect and love.
You cannot afford to treat him the way you would hurt a man who hasn’t suffered the pains of bereavement of a spouse or a cherished girlfriend before. A lot of considerations went into his choice of you; the reason you should also be very definite about him. However, you still have to keep trying to market him to your mother. You know your mother more than anybody. As her child, you know what key to turn to bring out the endless love of that mother in her. You know the expression that always got you off her hook, what to do to soften her. Use all the tools you used as a child; trust me they still work wonders because no matter how old you are, you still remain her child.
Chances are she is simply paranoid; worried that something in his life could be the reason his first wife died.
Get her to see into your heart that this is one man you are very comfortable with, one you know would give you everlasting happiness.
Assure her your life is in the hands of God and that this is the one event in your life that you have the power to decide. Don’t be rude to her; it will only complicate her acceptance of your man. Endure her opposition with dignity and understanding of her position.
Overtime, the nature of the man shall erase whatever misgiving she has about him but until then, allow her be.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been reading your column for a while; May God bless you and your family. I need your advice on this. I have been in a relationship for the past three years. Recently, my boyfriend came to our house for introduction. He was welcomed by my father but my mother refused to give her blessing because he is a widower.
My mother doesn’t want me to marry a widower. Agatha, I love this man so much and he loves me too. He is so caring and considerate, remains ever attentive to my needs. What should I do since my mother hates the man I love so much?
Worried lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
What do you want to do? Ditch him because your mother doesn’t agree with your choice of a widower for a husband?
Unless there is another reason other than the one your mother is advertising as her reason, please go ahead with this man. The dream of everywoman including your mother is to have a man who is caring, considerate and attentive to her needs. If she suspects him of killing his wife, she should say so rather than denying both of you the opportunity of a lifetime of happiness together.
Your life is the issue not your mother’s, who is already happy in her husband’s life. Although she is your mother but when it comes to the issue of being happy too in a man’s house, you should be more assertive unless of course you are not convinced about the choice of man you have beside you.
What your mother is trying to do here is to stigmatise this man because he is a widower. It couldn’t have been his desire to have his wife die at the time she did.
At any rate, if the wife didn’t die, you won’t have been free to love him the way you do. He has every right to be happy all over again. Death of a spouse can come at anytime. The fact that a spouse died doesn’t mean the living spouse should not attempt happiness again.
Rather than worrying about what your mother thinks of his status, why not concentrate on finding out more about the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with? You are the one wearing this shoe hence must be very comfortable with its fitting. If you truly love this man, whatever your mother is saying won’t bother you especially as your father, the head of your family unit, has accepted him.
This is the angle of worry. How much do you love this man? Are you sure your love for him is enough to withstand your mother’s position? The worry here is, if your love isn’t tough enough, you may find yourself doing your mother’s bidding and end up hurting this man again who has summoned the courage to be happy again. If you leave or hurt him, you will be doing more harm to him than the death of his first wife did.
It will bring back all the memories of that past he wants to move away from by offering to share his life with you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to want to try again, not knowing what the future holds for him with you. The heart of this man is tender, hence the need to treat him with care, respect and love.
You cannot afford to treat him the way you would hurt a man who hasn’t suffered the pains of bereavement of a spouse or a cherished girlfriend before. A lot of considerations went into his choice of you; the reason you should also be very definite about him. However, you still have to keep trying to market him to your mother. You know your mother more than anybody. As her child, you know what key to turn to bring out the endless love of that mother in her. You know the expression that always got you off her hook, what to do to soften her. Use all the tools you used as a child; trust me they still work wonders because no matter how old you are, you still remain her child.
Chances are she is simply paranoid; worried that something in his life could be the reason his first wife died.
Get her to see into your heart that this is one man you are very comfortable with, one you know would give you everlasting happiness.
Assure her your life is in the hands of God and that this is the one event in your life that you have the power to decide. Don’t be rude to her; it will only complicate her acceptance of your man. Endure her opposition with dignity and understanding of her position.
Overtime, the nature of the man shall erase whatever misgiving she has about him but until then, allow her be.
Good luck.
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