His parents uncooperative, but we are in love

Dear Agatha,

I am in a relationship that is four years old. The lady and I have the intention of getting married. However the problem I am having with her is that my parents aren’t in support of the relationship because we attend different churches. She has accepted to join me in attending my church but they still refused. I am not happy with the situation because I love her so much and derive so much happiness being with her. Please help me out.

Peter.    

Dear Peter, 

What kind of God do your parents worship? Is their God different from the one she worships in her Church? Are Jesus Christ and the Bible they use in your girlfriend’s church different from the Jesus your parents know or the Bible different from theirs? Are you marrying her church or the woman who gives you the most happiness? Is it the church that would give you the peace you desire in the marriage or the woman’s true acceptance of the ways of God? 

Our God isn’t one of confusion. He remains the same through the ages; just as his messages and words to us have remained same. It is unfortunate that more and more people have deviated from the words of God to the Church one attends. A lot of us are replacing our relationships with God to the Church we attend. We have made churches the religion we practise. It shouldn’t be so. 

Ideally, your parents should be concerned about your happiness as well as welfare in your choice of a woman. They should be interested in the kind of temperament, maturity, stability and support your choice of a woman would bring into your life and the family. What if you marry a woman who attends your church but who is lacking in respect for you and them, what would have been their gain?

You have dated this lady for four years. What are your assessments of this lady? How much improvement has she brought into your life? Marriage is about effective communication. It is also about being able to look the other way when one of the parties is misbehaving as well as the endurance to withstand the challenges of two strangers coming together to make a home. It is only when two agree in body and spirit to be one that they can have the perfect kind of understanding required to make an ideal home. 

This kind doesn’t come from attending the same church but from a perfect understanding of each other as well as what they want to achieve through their union. It also comes from having a clear understanding of what God requires and not necessarily from the church one attends or not.

The issue here isn’t what your parents want but what you want. In the first instance you have to be man enough to take a stance on this matter. While your parents have the right to their opinion on this issue, the choice is yours to make, not theirs. They may be your parents, but they aren’t you. What worked for them may not work for you hence the need for you at this early stage to take charge of your affairs to prevent the kind of interference that might destroy your home even before it has the chance to form its identity. 

Even though wives are generally touted to be the cause of disputes between their mothers-in-law and their husbands, reality has shown that in some homes, the men unwittingly lay the foundation for such volatile situation in their marriages even before the woman comes in. Yours is a typical example of this kind of situation. By giving your parents too much say in issues regarding your choice of a wife, you give them especially your mother the permanent key to come and go as she likes in your marriage.

Beyond the issue of church, is another reason your parents aren’t willing to tell you. If truly the issue of the church is what they are bothered about, the offer by the lady to change to your church should have taken care of that particular problem. 

By still insisting they don’t want her, underscores reasons they haven’t still told you. It demands they tell you their motive for not wanting this lady in your life. Make them understand that without you knowing precisely what they want from you, it would be difficult to fault this lady on account of what they are giving as their reason. 

As a man, you should also be able to tell them what informed your choice of this woman from among the lot you dated. You must be able to convince them that you know what you are doing by pointing out to them her unique features and how you may find these qualities difficult to replace in another woman. 

Chances are they may be worried about your readiness to marry hence their desire to help you manage your affairs by insisting on a lady from the same church as you. They probably think such a lady would be under the control and management of the church hence less likely to misbehave and cause problems for you and them in the home.

The onus is sincerely on you to tell them that not only are you in love with this woman but ready as well to brace up to the challenges of having a woman under your roof.

In addition, pray for God’s guidance. It is imperative when deciding on a life partner.

Caught my son sleeping with my wife

Dear Agatha, 

Writing this is a very difficult thing for me. I’m a 68-year-old man. I lost my wife five years ago to heart failure. We were blessed with four children, two boys and two girls. My eldest son is 41 and married. I had to remarry when I just couldn’t cope with the loneliness and hassles of cooking my meals, as well as taking care of the house.

I met my second wife at a friend’s party. She too had been through a marriage and has three children of her own. Because I was interested in marrying her, I requested to meet her children from the very beginning. She also met my children. It was after this that, we got married.

I noticed that she and my sons were very close, especially my first son who initially didn’t really support the idea of my remarrying on the grounds that they didn’t want me having another child outside the four of them. I can’t remember precisely when they became extra close as my son took to visiting my home frequently. 

I didn’t make anything out of it, rather I was glad that my wife and children were getting on. 

When she informed me she was expecting a child, I didn’t exactly know how to break the news to my children but surprisingly, it was my first son who had always campaigned against me having another child outside them that expressed his joy at the news.

I still didn’t think anything was out of place when she gave birth to a boy who was the exact replica of my first son. 

I frankly didn’t suspect anything was going on between my wife and my son until I accidentally came home one day to find my wife and son making love right in our living room. The shock of what I saw landed me in the hospital. But for the grace of God, I would have died. As if that wasn’t enough, my son told me pointedly that he did what he did because he is not only in love with my wife but is the father of her son. 

The issue here is not just my marriage anymore but that of my son’s marriage. The matter is still between my son, my wife and I; none of us has said anything to others. My doctors are worried about my very high blood pressure. Sincerely, I don’t care anymore if I die or live but the issue is how this would affect my children and my innocent daughter-in-law, who has done nothing since entering into my family but love and respect me. I have placed a curse on my son and wife. I have told them they will look for happiness in life and not get it for hurting me in my grey years. 

Agatha, I am so confused and hurt right now. Don’t know what I did to deserve this in my life. I have always prided myself as being a loving and caring father. I want to handle this matter before I die, ensure it doesn’t break up my united family. It is the only way I can rest in peace. Please treat as priority because I know I don’t have a long time to live.

Omololu

Dear Omololu,

This is knotty but one thing is clear you just must reverse the curse you placed on them, not because they don’t deserve it but to give you a good standing before God. You could have died but you didn’t because God wanted you as father to find a solution.

It was needless placing a curse on them because God Himself through His words has already done that. For your son to have slept with the wife of his father shows a great disdain for your person. 

It would help your recovery and effort at finding solution to accept the naked fact that you don’t hold the patent for this kind of incident. A lot of men have walked this embarrassing path before.

Honestly, there is no way you won’t involve your daughter-in-law and your other children in this matter because the life of an innocent child is involved. The child has the right to know who his real father is and since your son hasn’t displayed any signs of remorse at what he has done, keeping quiet about it now is only postponing doom’s day. There is no way you can help him protect his marriage without him first demonstrating a profound remorse at the abominable act he has committed with your wife.

Even if the woman applied the pressure on him, he should not have capitulated to such an act. Not only did he desecrate your marriage but tore apart the bond between the two of you. No temptation should have made him stab you in the back. 

The only damage control you can do is to plead with your children not to allow the matter go beyond them. Tell them the shame of advertising this shameful act would be too much for you to handle and would give the extended family the right to interfere in matters that don’t exactly concern them. 

The first thing is to call your son aside. Ask him where you had gone wrong as a father; what you failed to do and what you did which made him decide to commit this abomination against you. At this point, it is useless getting angry; this matter has gone beyond that. Besides, it won’t change or undo what has happened. For him to be so bold in telling you he fathered the child you think is yours and that he is in love with the woman you call your wife points to an inherent resentment against you. 

The right thing he should have done is to run away and find ways of appeasing your anger, not to stand up to you. It would do you a world of good and your children too if you find out what could has brought up that unrepentant attitude from him. The fact that the two of them didn’t think anything of committing the act in your home also speaks volume. 

Knowing what the real problem is will definitely inform you on how to resolve the issue among your children. 

Follow this discussion by asking him how he intends telling the wife about the paternity of the child you thought was yours. Give him the opportunity of telling you how he wants the issue of his wife and your wife handled. Don’t forget you are also a victim like his wife. He is the lead character in this game hence should have the panacea to its solution. 

Even though he has not treated you like a father, find it in your heart to help him make amends with his wife. With the help of the other children, call the wife and plead with her on his behalf. 

Your role in all these doesn’t end with just talking to the children. As a father, ensure you go in search for a spiritual solution because what affects the head will eventually affect the entire body. Involve your pastor for the spiritual aspect. He has sown a bitter seed, which only the mercy of God can avert in his life as well as those of his children. If you don’t do it because of him, do it for the sake of your grandchildren who would suffer for something they know nothing of. 

What your son did carries a severe spiritual punishment. 

Only your complete forgiveness can help protect him and his children from the repercussion of what he did to you. Leave all the judgment to God and do your bit as the loving and caring father you pride yourself to be. The wisdom of the aged has taught us to accept the mysteries of life with graciousness that comes from the knowledge that there is nothing new under the sun. It is the only way you can fulfill your wish of living a united family behind. 

Ask for the strength and mercy of God. It is important because as parents and adults we do sometimes unknowingly sow seeds in the journey of life that come back to hunt us through our children.

Good luck.  

Pastors say our marriage will end in doom...

Dear Agatha,

God will bless you and take you to a greater level in life. Please I need your advice on this issue confronting me.  

I am in a very serious relationship with a fair lady whom I know loves me so much too. But the problem now is that I have been told by three different pastors that I must never marry a fair lady, otherwise things will never work for me in life.

What surprises me most is that I have never discussed her issue with any of them.

I am just confused because she is the kind of woman I would have loved to marry. We share the same idea as well as feelings. She’s hardworking, creative loving and caring. Please help and readers too out there. 

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

There is the need for you to apply caution because obedience is better than sacrifice. Since three pastors at different times, without you consulting them told you the same thing, there is the need for you to go before God yourself to ask Him for confirmations and the way forward.

We all have access to God; depending on our level of faith and trust in the ways of God, He does reveal Himself to us. The thing is to know how to interpret the personal way God talks to us.

Often than not the answers and solutions to our problems are right before us; just that for so many of us, we lack the spiritual knowledge to understand the various signs God is using to transmit His message to us.

For some people, they have vivid dreams about what they ask, to some it comes in the mind of a silent and very gentle whisper, some it is intuition, a friend’s counsel, preaching on the radio, television or in the church, some come in the form of a text message from a friend or stranger and that gentle tug in the heart.

Since meeting this lady, what is your mind telling you? Not what you are telling yourself but what that invisible voice is ministering to you about the kind of woman that shall help you to build your life. To discover your personal communication key with God, you must go into prayers for God to reveal it to you.

At the point you are now, you must convince yourself that what these men of God are telling you is true to eradicate regrets later in your life. If you don’t have a personal encounter with God, experience Him yourself, the conviction to do as your pastors have said will always be met with either resistance or partial acceptance on your part. Going into marriage with such an attitude would only increase the several challenges that come with marriage and which at the end of the day could lead to general dissatisfaction with the choice you were forced to make. 

Hearing directly from God would give you the necessary confidence to give your marriage all it takes to make it work as well as open your heart to accepting the choice God has made for you.

What you should do is to come out and tell this lady what these different pastors have said. You have gotten to that crossroad where you cannot but come out with the truth. Let her have a clear understanding of the spiritual battle you are going through. Ask her to join you in prayers. If you are sincere and put the interest as well as will of God before your interests, He would surely settle both of you in ways you both didn’t envisage at all. 

Go into this prayer, not because of what these pastors said to you but like a child looking up to his father for help and guidance over an important matter as marriage. Be rest assured, it is one issue very close to His heart.

Good luck. 

She has penchant for uptown fun

Dear Agatha,

Please help me solve my problem. I am 22 years old in a relationship with a 20-year-old girl. It all started when she was taking her Senior Secondary School Certificate Examination. 

I love this girl with all my heart but she has never once told me she loves me. I took her out one day and she complained bitterly that I was disgracing her by going to the waiter to order for something twice.

According to her, I should have done it once. She is best described as a social butterfly and forever asking me to take her out to one of the latest and trendy places or the other. She tells me to send her credit, which I do always, and she hardly calls me with the credit I send her. When I ask her why she never calls, she tells me she doesn’t have money to buy credit. 

She hasn’t even told me she likes me. She has many male admirers. What do you suggest I do because I love her and want her for keeps?

Ogbuefi

Dear Ogbuefi,

This lady is far more experienced about life than you are, even at 22. Unless you are ready to do unorthodox things to sustain her lifestyle, there is no way you can ever please her financially. She has a cultured taste bud you don’t have as well as attitude whatever you make now cannot sustain.

You may love her but she doesn’t love you and appears to be tolerating your presence in her life due to lack of a better alternative. She is complaining about your behaviour because she isn’t exactly into you and hasn’t reconciled herself to you. 

Frankly, you need a woman to encourage you to self-actualisation, not one who is negative about you. This girl isn’t good for you, would not only make you lose confidence as a man but also as human being who has a destiny to fulfill on earth.

At every point in life, we need positive minded people around to give us the much needed encouragement to move on with our dreams; the kind of people that are matured enough to allow us to make our mistakes with the view of helping us discover through those mistakes our real strength. At 22, these are the kinds of people you need around you. The journey is only just beginning for you, therefore be sure you surround yourself with people who can help you grow, discover who you are as well as those willing to help develop you from dream to reality. 

The worst kind of mistake a man or woman can make is to be close to a person who isn’t ready to add value to his or her life. 

At 22, you are at that age when a serious minded youth plants for the days ahead. Are you in school or working? If you are in school, do concentrate more energy on your studies because at the end of the day, that is what would benefit you the most; get you the kind of woman you need in life.

The kind of love you have for this lady is the one that would eventually hurt you emotionally and psychologically. Respect begins from learning to support your partner in the little things that matter especially when in public. If she complains of your attitude in public, there is no telling the kind of things she would do later.

For this reason, allow her be. Refuse to continue to play the role of her credit-sending boyfriend. She would definitely come back if she has any feelings for you beyond the credit she gets.

Don’t allow the love you have for her make you stupid or appear incapable of existing without her. Much as I appreciate all that you are going through, it is always better to get hurt early in a relationship than wait for later when you would have invested so much into it. 

To help you get over the attendant pains that would follow this decision, concentrate more efforts on whatever you are doing and allow yourself enjoy the thrills and beauty of nature by going with some positive minded friends to tourists’ sites. 

These kind of places apart from helping to distract your mind from the pains within, also help one focus on the important things of life, those things we take for granted or don’t notice because of the other things we are involved in. 

When the time comes for you to deal with the complexity of the woman, God will send that special one who would give you all the support to grow into the kind of mind and man you dreamt you would be one day. 

You still have a long way to go to be ready for this kind of woman. It takes dedication on your work/studies, foresight, vision and determination to make it get you to the point of being ready. 

Good luck

Can one get pregnant after ovulation?

Dear Agatha, 

Please I need your help. I want to know if I can get pregnant after ovulation. 

Apprehensive Woman

Dear Apprehensive Woman, 

According to my investigations on this subject, yes you can get pregnant after ovulation. It depends on when the egg was released. Ovulation is the release of the mature ovum from the follicle into the fallopian tubes. Ovulation occurs around the 14th day of a regular 28-day menstrual cycle.  Once released, it becomes available to a matured sperm for fertilisation for 12 to 24 hours before it begins to disintegrate. This is the most fertile period of a woman’s cycle and during ovulation her chances of conception are highest.

The time of ovulation is determined by the luteal phase, which is usually between 12 to 16 days in most women. Calculate the time of ovulation within your cycle by subtracting the length of your luteal phase from the length of your cycle. For example, if your cycle is 28 days long and your luteal phase is 12 days long, the ovulation will occur on the 16th day of your cycle. The exact time of ovulation may vary within your cycle even if you have religiously regular menstrual cycles. This is because ovulation can be delayed by a number of factors such as stress, illness, diet, or increased physical activity.

For women who are trying to get pregnant, it is often advised that they should have intercourse before ovulation. This helps in conception since the sperm from the man is deposited into the cervix and as soon as the ovum is released, it has the opportunity to be fertilised but doesn’t limit the woman’s ability to get pregnant after ovulation. However her chances of getting pregnant depend on when she ovulates as well as when she sleeps with her man. Considering the fact that the egg starts to fall to pieces 12 to 24 hours, there is a small chance that sperm can fertilise the egg for a short time after the egg has been released into the fallopian tubes.  Have it in mind that the chances of getting pregnant this way decreases the further away from ovulation a woman is.

Therefore, if you are trying to get pregnant, try to have intercourse anytime near ovulation to increase your chances of getting pregnant. 

It is in your interest to chart your ovulation pattern and monitor your cervical mucus. When it is like pap, you aren’t fertile, but when it has the stretchy-mucus appearance, you are fertile. The mucus presentation of the discharge helps the sperm make the journey quicker to the waiting fertile egg before it begins to expire. It is nature’s way of aiding conception.

To help you under this better, do see your doctor since you would be able to ask him questions on issues you don’t understand or that are clear to you in this write up.

Good luck

Re: My husband can’t get me on for sex

Dear Agatha, 

I am a keen reader of your column and on the above issue. Have you ever heard of the saying that it takes two to tangle? That is what sex is. Unlike all other race and ethnics, African women have allowed our frightening sexual culture to put them in sexual bondage whereby it is believed that it is the duty of man to do all the sexual foreplay while their contribution is to lie back on the bed. 

Most African women are scared to express their sexual desires or even needs to their husbands or boyfriends even in the bedroom. This is an old school (primitive) approach to sex. 

This is why most African women especially the religious ones will live their lives in abject sexual agony, which affects their marriages/relationships. When some consult their pastors or imam or even their trusted friends on their relationships, often than not, these people refuse to give them the right counsel the reality of the matter is that good sex is important in marriages. Some women have been told to pray and fast for a change of heart for their partners. It is a known fact that men, especially African men like sex and only mutual sexual performances can bring happiness to the couple. 

After good food, the other way for a woman to gain straight access into her partner’s heart is good sexual performance. No man appreciates a woman who is dormant in bed. Unfortunately most women down here are no better than logs of wood in the bedroom. Please conduct your research to confirm or refute this observation of mine.

This is just my opinion and I know everyone is entitled to one.                      

Gabriel 

My husband doesn’t grace my bed again…

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column, and must start by commending you on the way you proffer detailed solutions to people’s problems.

I am a 35-year-old lady, and married for 10 years. My husband is in his late 40s. The problem I have is that I am not getting sex from my husband. Initially it was erectile dysfunction he had, but later got it corrected with medications and prayers. Now he appears to have lost interest in sex completely. His reasons have always being pressure of work and tiredness. Sometimes, we can go as far as three months without sex. I am a very attractive woman, and I have really worked so hard to maintain my figure and looks even after four children, but still not getting the required attention from my spouse. 

Several times, I have been tempted to seek sexual satisfaction outside my marriage, but the fear of God has always held me back. I do all I am supposed to do as a woman, including initiating sex on several occasions, but I feel cheapened after every episode. On such occasions, he just gets up and tries to penetrate my dry body without the usual foreplay. I have tried to talk with him, but he said I should give him time to get over a lot of pressure from work, and actually gave me the permission to have an affair outside our marriage if I cannot wait.  

Most times I patronise adult film materials and masturbate while watching these films. What do I do to get my man back on track again? I love and enjoy sex, but I am currently not getting it from my marriage. Even the intimacy as man and wife is no more in my marriage all because of work. What should I do Agatha? Should I continue masturbating even when I am married?

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

Are you sure this isn’t a reaction to a problem that has existed between the two of you? Something you both refused to talk about let alone tackle with all the seriousness it deserves? Can you think of anything he has kept complaining about you? That particular thing he has kept hammering on since you both got married? How much interest do you have in his work and welfare as his wife? If he says it is his workload that is making him abdicate his responsibility to you as your man, do you think he is telling the truth? Do you in all sincerity have no clue into why he is reacting this way?

You are at the bus stop of telling yourself some basic truth about your relationship with your husband. The solution to this problem isn’t trading of blames, but a wholesome approach.

Giving you the liberty to go outside your home to source of a lover isn’t a position a man who loves and respects the wife would propose or approve. Telling you that is a declaration of his lack of interest in you or the marriage again, which means the issue has gone beyond his refusal to sleep with you.

His declaration points at a very serious and fundamental problem; one which if not tackled first cannot give him in particular the enticement to grace your bed. 

You would therefore be making a very unfortunate mistake by limiting the problem in your marriage to starvation of sex alone. Something must have led both of you to this point. That is what you should try to find out by answering the questions I asked. There is an adage that says for smoke to be visible there must be a fire.

For now, drop the issue of your sexless marriage and concentrate on how to remedy the situation. You are trivialising the issue in this marriage, the reason he says you are free to go for sex elsewhere if that is what you think is the problem. Telling you that is his way of telling you the issue between the two of you transcends the jacket you have given to it. 

This is the time for you to go back in time. What was it like between the two of you in your early years of marriage? Can you in all honestly say you know the man you married? His likes and dislikes; his mental frame of mind as well as his extreme? Do you think he can forgive you anything as well as that which he cannot let go? Is he your friend, the kind that would give the marriage the room to mend its broken walls?

Since marrying how much of your time have you devoted into helping him realise his dream as a man? Beyond trying to look good for him, what kind of support have you given to the growth of the marriage as well as the two of you?

What kind of respect is he getting from you? Do you make him feel like a man or are you more concerned about your looks than the kind of home you have? And what do you know of his past, his taste in women then as well as what matters now to him in a relationship? 

Besides, did you at anytime use the children as excuse to deny him of his rights and closeness to you? Often than not, when we women become mothers, we elevate our children to that special place where our husband ought to occupy. Think deeply, did you make that mistake? If you did, he could be repaying you in your own coins.

It is essential for the complaining party to begin with self-appraisal of his or her contribution to the issue in the marriage when this kind of situation occurs in a marriage. If you have done your best to look trim, beautiful for him and he is still not interested, it means only one thing, what you are concentrating your efforts on isn’t what he is interested in.

You just have to go to him first to apologise for putting extra pressure on him to have sex with you. No matter how much his attitude hurts you, put it aside, there is plenty of time to lovingly reprimand him over his coldness towards you. 

Ask him about his job and how you can help minimise the pressure on him. You may not be able to help him with the work, but you can by giving him the conducive environment at home to relax. Make him his favourite meal and take the extra time to stay up with him while he does the work. You don’t have to talk to him but quietly sit by and watch him work. It is a gradual way of building companionship and friendship into your relationship. It is called a selfless gesture. This time, it won’t be what you want but what makes him happy.

Sincerely, you must strive to bury the “I” mode in your marriage and move to the “we” mode. When you try to live in the shoes of your partner, it is then you can feel what he or she feels. This way, you are able to understand better his or her reasons as well as reactions to a particular issue. If you had tried to put yourself in the shoes of your partner, you would understand his reactions to your constant demands for sex. You would understand that sometimes, there are more important issues in a marriage than sex.

You must also be prepared to bring back some of the memories of your early years, the ones he particularly likes about you. It would help remind him of how important you are to him as well as his responsibilities to you as his woman. 

Buy him gifts to give him that sense of importance as well as the assurance that he is more than a sex machine to you. Even if you suspect him to be having an affair outside the home, still be patient because that is the only way you can win him back and keep your home intact. 

There is always a time of drought in every marriage; when the man or woman experiences middle age crisis. For some men, their sexual drive simply nose-dives. As his wife, you need to be very supportive of him. Sometimes you don’t have to understand what is going on through the mind of your husband to offer the much-needed support to bounce back. 

I appreciate your frustration as well as effects of your sexual hunger, but until you are able to bring your man out of his shell, you simply must learn to be patient. 

Furthermore, there is no issue prayers cannot resolve in a marriage or relationship. No matter how knotty the issue or difficult your husband could be, just go on your knees and pray. God answers! Wise women fight their marital battles on their knees, and not on their knuckles. You won’t win that way.

Don’t go outside your home for sex. It isn’t worth it. Learn to exercise self-control. Won’t you cope if he isn’t in the country? Would you because you crave for sex go outside to have it? Don’t make it appear as if sex is the only reason you got married to this man. Look out for his other qualities; it is the only way to appreciate him and stabilise your home.

Good luck. 

How can I remedy weak erection?

Dear Agatha, 

There is this challenge that has been giving me concern for quite sometimes now. The challenge is, when alone, I get the urge to have sex with a female and I actually experience the usual male sign, but whenever a girl comes along, my body always fails to respond. And when it does once I get to the point of action, it becomes very weak. What do I have to do?

Helpless Boy.

Dear Helpless Boy, 

How old are you? Have you ever had sex before? Is this problem a latest development or one you have been struggling with for sometime now? If you are young, it could be a function of anxiety and excitement at finally having the girl of your dreams right in your arms. A lot of time, the desire to impress a woman does make some men lose their libido. This is especially true of men that are so boastful about their prowess in the bedroom.

If you fall into this category, learn to relax and act naturally. It could be a psychological and unless you take the step of helping your recovery nobody can do it for you because it is an issue of your mind accepting to change from what it has come to accept and what is real.

You just must help yourself change the orientation you currently have of sex and women. Contrary to what most men think, a woman doesn’t need a man to impress her. All she wants is a man who is natural and appreciates her person in the bedroom. Even if a man thinks he is God’s gift to women in the bedroom, he should allow his performance speak for him rather than his mouth. 

There is also nothing to ask a woman for help in the bedroom. Most times quintessence performance comes from maturity and level of partnership a couple put into the act. 

It could also come from acute disappointment. Your imagination of the woman may not be the same with what you see. At every point in time, you must be able to marry imagination with reality. 

In addition you must see the process of lovemaking as a wholesome package and not one you just jump into. You would be helping yourself a great deal if you begin from the basis. This way you help to prepare yourself too for the actual act. 

As a man, you must at all times learn to control yourself when you are with a woman. It is also a matter of concentration. Where does your imagination go to while you are with a woman? Is it that you are too much into the idea of making love with a woman than the act itself? Are you ashamed of the size of your manhood? This could come from something someone said to you. You may not think it is a problem at the time, but right in your sub-consciousness, the remark pops on to unsettle you. At the times you are unable to work yourself up to full performance: can you think of what you are thinking? Are you afraid she may fault your performance or that you may not be able to perform up to her expectations? Honest answers to these questions would help you find out where the actual problem is. Sexual accomplishment comes from honesty.

There is also the need for you to isolate the genesis of this problem especially if you have had some fulfilling moments before now. If this is the case, can you recollect how all these started? Is there something in particular you did or failed to do? Did you suffer an injury at any point in time?

However, if none of this is the case, you may have to consider the spiritual aspect of it. Although, this is always a problem for some people, there is the need for you to seek spiritual help from a pastor. But you must help the pastor zero in on where the problem is coming from. For instance, it could come from a challenge you had with a woman. It could also come from the way you treated a woman or something that has to do with your father. It isn’t normal for a man to exhibit all the features of a full-grown normal man when alone and finds himself wanting when it matters the most. 

A deliverance from whatever power is at play in your life is the only way you can have a normal life, marry and have children. If you have never had it with a woman, because of this issue, please draw the attention of your parents to it in addition to praying for God’s intervention on the matter. 

Good luck. 

He is 12 years older than me

Dear Agatha,
God will continue to bless you for your investment in the emotional lives of people.  I love my boyfriend dearly and he also adores me. He ensures I never lack anything but the problem I am having has to do with his age. He is 12 years older than I am. He also finds it difficult to save. Please advise me as you would your younger sister. 

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Is he a married man? If no, what is his history as well as plans for you? What are your own ideas too of an ideal man? Does he give you happiness? Are you always at peace when with him? Are you able to discuss with him, share each other’s thoughts, challenges and plans? Is he caring, understanding, tolerant, selfless, responsible and respectful of your person? Is he loyal, someone you can depend on? Do you have faith in each other and above all are you both friends? Is he mature enough emotionally to deal with a woman in his life? What precisely is it that makes you uncomfortable with his age? Is it the way he dresses or the simple fact that you have it at the back of your mind that he is older than you by 12 years?

These are the real issues and not the age. Granted there could be men in your life younger than he is but are they as caring and responsible? The natural law is for a man to be older than the woman in his life. From time immemorial, women have married older men because they are considered more mature and understanding than younger men who don’t have the patience to deal with a woman. However unless you are definite about what you want, you may not have the extra guts to stay with him.

You must answer the question of who is complaining: you or your friends? Has your reservation got to do with the fact that you think your friend may be mocking your choice of a man; laughing behind you at the age of your man? Or your inability to cope with what you think people are thinking when you see your friends with their younger boyfriends? Are you more concerned about not being able to visit the same places with him that your friends would go with their younger boyfriends? What exactly makes you uncomfortable about the age differences between the two of you? Until you are honestly able, you will continue to make it a problem in your relationship. In your interest, you must first resolve this uneasiness to enable you give unconditionally to this man. Ask yourself what is most important to you: a man who cares passionately about you or one who is young but lacks basic respect and sensitivity to your feelings?

Learn to be very honest with yourself at this critical point because it gets to a stage in our lives when things we thought were important are no longer important. In later years, would you regret your decision to do away with this man simply because he is 12 years older than you are? One is happier when one has learnt the vital lesson of being able patent one’s life to suit one’s nature. Subjecting your own life and choices to the views of others often than not, destroys one’s happiness as well as focus. Be bold enough to live your dreams without apologies to anybody. The world is too fleeting, untrustworthy and unstable to be entrusted with one’s happiness.

Candidly, if this man meets your expectation as a woman, loves you and is caring, don’t make the mistake of ending the relationship; there is no man or woman for that matter who comes complete. What you think isn’t right with this man may be the best feature of the other man.

Learn to place your priority else you would end up with more regrets.

Good luck. 

How do I make her know I love her

Dear Agatha,

I met this girl during my primary school days and became friends during our last days in school. We had a little problem, which nearly cost us our friendship.

 About seven years after, we met each other again and she showed where she stays. I am contemplating visiting her at home but don’t know what to say or present my feelings to her. Can you help me?

Chan

Dear Chan, 

Go to her house and tell her precisely what you feel for her, but first propose friendship and not love. Considering the fact that both of you have been apart for a long time, it is best to begin whatever you have in mind on the platform of friendship.

This is because she may not be exactly the same person you knew then. To prevent something that has the capacity of transiting into something very beautiful, don’t rush anything or assume you know so much about her. By offering her friendship, the chance to catch up on old times gives you and her the chance to get to each other again, find out what has gone out of the two of you and what new things are in. This way, you would be able to know what you are going into as well as the things to avoid in the relationship.

Whatever you both had in the past is a long time. Primary school is where innocence dwells. Both of you are now more mature, focused and real on some issues you both took for granted or simply fantasised about. 

No longer are the birds and bees stories for you. You are grown enough to know that life is an institution of responsibilities and choices. If nothing you now know that falling in love isn’t the boy meets the girl thing alone. You both must take responsibilities for falling in love and be prepared for the choices that follow each action you both take.

Study each other intensely first to prevent regrets. This way, you won’t have to labour too hard to convince her on anything on your first date or subsequent ones. If the chemistry is right and you are comfortable with each other, you won’t even notice when you progress to the next stage of declaring what you each feel for the other. 

Good luck.

I sent my mother-in-law out of my matrimonial home

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your selfless service to countless people out there. I am sure you know only God can pay you because none of us can ever compensate you enough for the time and thoughts you put into other people’s problem.

In the last couple of weeks I have been going through severe headache in my marriage and it is already affecting my relationship with my husband, who thinks I am making a mountain out of molehill.

His mother came some few weeks back to help me with my first-born but the visit is turning out to be a pain in the neck. She is very dirty in every sense of the word. I end up scrubbing the bathroom after she takes her bath, washing the toilet whenever she goes in there. All my pots and kitchen are black due to the way she uses the stove. I dear not entrust her to use of the gas cooker. She is also in the habit of using her cloth to dab the baby’s mouth.

I have tried correcting her on the proper use of these things as well as how to keep them clean but she keeps doing the very things I ask her not to do.

Because of this, I have stopped her from carrying my baby since I cannot vouch for her personal hygiene. I have also refused her going into my kitchen to do anything because of the mess she is making of everything and the effort I put into cleaning the place again.  

As a result, she told her son that she would want to return to the village prompting him to ask if she isn’t happy staying with him. I guess she must have said something to the effect that I wasn’t allowing her carrying the baby because my husband came to ask me why I didn’t want his mother access to the baby. I tried to explain his mother’s dirty nature and how I fear she might infect the baby with avoidable germs. He didn’t take kindly to my remarks and actually accused me of being rude to his mother.

I had actually sent for my mother before this incident happened. When my mother came, he initially didn’t say anything but began to raise dust when it looked like I had invited my mother to come and care for the baby and I. 

This really infuriated him. He said not only did I not discuss my mother’s coming with him but stopped his mother from having anything to do with his child. When I reminded him that the baby is as much mine as well as his, he called me all sorts on unprintable names and told me to ask my mother to leave his house. He also said if I was a good wife, I should have tolerated his mother because it was her first time of leaving the village to come to the city.

Although I have threatened to go with my mother, the truth is I love my husband and don’t want a broken home on my hands. Agatha, please tell me how to make amends because I’m no longer enjoying my home especially as his mother insisted on going back to the village to care for her farm and goats. Since his mother left he has also been keeping late nights and refusing to eat at home.

What can I do to remedy the situation in my home?

Bukky.

Dear Bukky, 

The first thing is to find ways of getting your mother-in-law to come back and telling your mother to go back until the situation in your home improves. You didn’t act well. Being her first time in the city, you should have been more understanding that she wasn’t doing the things you complained of deliberately. If she had never taken her bath in the kind of bathroom you have or used a water system, how do you expect her to adjust without first making a mess of the place? All you needed to have done is to help her to adjust with a little bit of patience.

Rather than tell your mother to come without informing your husband, you should have first raised the issue of his mother’s habits with him before telling your mother to come. 

You acted without respect and consideration for your husband. You neglected to remember that this man in whose house you are in now and with whom you have this child, grew up with that same woman. If she didn’t infest him with any kind of diseases what makes you think your child would be infected? Granted, you may not be comfortable with her hygiene but you should have been more diplomatic in your reactions. 

For instance, rather than allow her go into the kitchen, you could volunteer to be cooking the meals giving the excuse that the gas, which she doesn’t know how to operate is faster and that you too would like to care for her as her daughter. To make sure she doesn’t feel left out, you could invite her to teach you how to cook those special meals your husband grew up eating in the village. 

On the issue of bathroom and its proper usage, it is a simple case of you inviting her to help you scrub your back or massage your body while you are taking your bath. Purposely, keep her in the bathroom with an interesting discussion until you finish. Pour water on the walls to rinse of the soap forms as well as the bathtub if there is one to show how to keep the place tidy after use. Clean the floor with a mop or rag. This way you don’t have to tell her how to do it but show her through your own example how a bathroom is kept clean after a bath. Do this for about two or three days consistently before gently telling her how to clean up after her.

If she agrees to return, turn her visit into fun. Get to know more about the values and culture of your husband, his likes and dislikes. 

Apologise to your husband and his mother. Let her know that you made a mistake by the way you acted and that you are more than ready to make her visit this time around memorable. Your husband is only reacting to the way you treated his mother. Once you make a U-turn, he would forgive you. 

Whatever happens, learn to see your mother-in-law as an extension of the man you love. This way it would be easier to deal with any disappointment you may encounter in her attitude.

Good luck.

Doubt if she can be good partner

Dear Agatha, 

I am engaged to a woman who from observations of her attitude and behaviours would not give me a peaceful home. But the issue is that I love her so much and she does same thing to me too. The question I want to ask is whether I should go ahead to still marry her despite all that flaws I have noticed in her character?

Worried Fiancé.

Dear Worried Fiancé,

Marriage is a journey you go into well prepared. Even though it is a product of sentimental feelings, only reality gives substance to it. It is a journey of determination, sacrifices, understanding, fellowship, friendship, tolerance, understanding, patience, respect, responsibilities, loyalty and endurance. It is also something one goes into full of wisdom.

Furthermore, a couple must strive to patent its marriage to make it work well. 

A home that lacks peace cannot develop beyond a level. While it is true that it takes two to make a marriage work, the truth is that it takes one very patient partner to make it work. There is no mortgaging peace in the home. If you are determined to marry this woman despite all the issues you have against her behaviour and attitude, you must be ready to be the patient partner. The one who would make the most sacrifices, give the most and who would be ready at all times to look the other way when issues come up in the marriage.  

Do have such elasticity to endure the pains of unconditional sacrifices? This is the kind of sacrifice that demands you at times forget that you head the home simply for peace to reign. 

Sometimes this kind of sacrifice could cost you the friendship of some of your friends and family members who would attribute your attitude to the power of witchcraft by your wife. This is the kind of attitude that would make you enjoy the marriage. One thing is to go into marriage with idealism another, is to go into it with reality. 

You would have no excuse later in future if you come back to begin to complain about this woman because she has been honest with you in displaying who she is to you. Other women would have tried to hide their bad sides, but showing you in details of who she is, gives you the ample opportunity to think properly on your decision to spend the rest of your life with her before going into it. 

Be very honest with yourself, can you cope with all these differences for the rest of your life? Do you have the temperament and maturity to ignore her when she starts misbehaving? Do you have what it takes to step aside and allow her have the centre stage when the need arises?

Marriage is not a bed of roses. Before one can get to the roses, the person must first deal with the sharp thorns of the stem that guard the rose flowers. 

The final decision is yours to make. If you know you have what it takes, go ahead as long as you are able to define the peace you want around her kind of person and not what you think. In life the ultimate decision is always ours to make, God ensured that by giving us the right of freewill. You are the one at the centre of it all, who would wear the shoes and live with the decisions you make today. As long as you have properly thought about it, know that you would find it hard to get a woman to replace her in your life. Whatever her shortcomings are, you would be able to manage them. To help you further, learn to be her best friend. It is always easier to be very accommodative of a friend than a lover. You must learn to do things together as a team. This is the only way for you to be helping yourself find that peace in your choice of a partner.

But if you know, you can’t, don’t bother to go beyond this point because on the long run, you will out of frustration end the marriage.

Move away from her for a while, a holiday to think of what your life would be without her. Pinpoint that special thing in her; let it be in your mind because when the challenges come. It is that special feature about her that would make it easy for you to endure the aspects of her you don’t like. 

The essence of being on your own is the fact that you may not be able to pinpoint precisely what makes her extra-ordinary if you two are together. Such things are best found out when alone, away from the person. You really need to do this for the sake of what you share.

Aside this fact, learn from now that we are all imperfect and that just as she has her own weakness so you have yours. Marriage is a matter of blending our differences to get a wholesome picture. 

It is also pertinent you call her to discuss your fears with her. She may not have had the privilege of being told that what she is doing is bad. Besides unless told by someone close to us, that special person in our lives, we seldom take serious views of other people about us. Confronted with the fear of losing someone she loves so much, she would put in extra effort to change her attitude to a certain degree. It may not be total but her efforts when combined with your resolve to tolerate her would add up to give you the kind of home you want. It may not be precisely what you have in mind but it would be very close to it.

In addition, you must also learn to take the lead in prayers because there is nothing God cannot do.

Good luck.