Pastors’ advice on chastity earns me menopause as spinster

Dear Agatha, 

I am in my late 40s. I have never been married and still waiting on God to give me the man of my dreams. I have always been a good Christian, one that kept all the doctrines and did nothing without consulting my pastors. I became born again when I was in secondary school. My parents attend Catholic Church. Though they tried to dissuade me from joining my church, they soon gave up on my ways and me. They did to have peace at home as I was as determined too to make life difficult for them.

There is nothing I do without the express permission of my pastors to the irritations of my parents who saw it as another form of idolatry. From as far as I can remember, no man came my way without me first seeking the approval of my pastor.

Strangely, none of the men was ever approved as being the right man for me. After a while, when all my friends were all almost married, my mother called me aside to plead with me to get married and stop pegging my decision on who is right or wrong on the recommendations of my pastors. 

I ignored her because she has always been my major antagonist when it comes to religious matters. I had to leave home when the last of my sisters got married. Being the first daughter and child of the family, my mother told me she couldn’t live with me any longer under the same roof. And that she wanted her husband to herself since I have refused everyman who came my way.

At the time I left five years ago, the number of men asking for my hand in marriage had almost disappeared entirely. Many who saw me assumed I was married with children. The few that came my way were either out to mock me or looking for a woman to sleep with. 

I became not just desperate but afraid that I might end up without a husband. As I write my youngest sister has two children already. My immediate sister’s two children are already in the university. The rest of my siblings are not only married but are parents. These days, I hate going home because they all look at me with scorn.

Agatha, since last year, not even the wayward ones have come my way to even look at the market I am selling. The worst thing now is that my menses have stopped flowing. 

The most painful thing now is that all the pastors who once encouraged me are now urging me to lower my standards and marry any man before I completely lose out. At 49, what choices do I have? I went for medical examinations when I discovered my menses had stopped only to be told by the doctor after examination that I was entering menopause.

Help me Agatha, because I feel suicidal. I want children, husband like every other woman, but here I am, having given God everything I have without a man or child to call my own. I am looking older than my age because of all the frustrations. 

Please help me. Why has God abandoned me to suffer this shame? I did everything He asked me to do.

Angela.

Dear Angela, 

Suicide isn’t an option to any challenge in life. Remember you didn’t create yourself, hence wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to you. All you have to do now is accept the reality of your situation with a view of finding a way round it.

First you have to perish the thoughts that God has abandoned you. No! He is always there by your side. Just that you elevated your pastors to the position of your God. You may have observed all the doctrines but the fact remained that you didn’t direct your faith and attention to the right source. You disconnected from your source completely and relied on men like you to dictate what was and wasn’t. 

In the first instance, you didn’t ask God about the pastors you were going to in the first place. You didn’t ask God for help in knowing which pastor was yours and has the vision from God concerning everything that has to do with you. You also didn’t bother to confirm from God Himself whether what they were telling you was from Him or not.

From experience, it is always wise to go to God in prayers yourself for confirmation of whatever one is told to ensure one is still on the right track God intended one to be. There is no way God would have wanted you to wait till now for you to have a man of your own and children. There is also no way He would deliberately expose His own to mockeries and scorns of people around. He isn’t an author of confusion. When these things happen, the problem is often with the choice we either make consciously or unconsciously. 

Often time, we leave God behind in our worship and praise of Him and glorify the wrong values. While believing we are doing what He expects, we remove from His safe hands the authority of our lives and give it to others. Consequently, a lot of us are in the church without knowing we are not actually doing what God expects from us, but what others expect us to do in line with their own beliefs as well as understanding of what they think God wants.

Your features would soften once you begin to reposition your life in line with the reality of your current situation. To get it right, it is pertinent you remove all the destructive virus of bitterness from your system. If you don’t, it will obliterate your sense of sound reasoning. Whatever thing you think isn’t right with the past, allow it to remain in the past so you can discover who you really are as well as what God intends you to do from this point.

While you still wait on God for the desires of your heart, there is the urgent need for you to take a step of faith on your own. First begin from your own outlook. If you were a man, would you look at yourself twice? What are the lights in those eyes communicating to the world? Is desperation, sadness, disappointment, bitterness happiness or peace? 

No man wants a bitter and resentful woman by his side. Therefore no matter what you are currently facing, learn to be happy. Those wrinkles are not from the age garage, but from the warehouse of bitterness. You must learn to radiate confidence in yourself as well as open acceptance of what your life is. So what if you are single at 49? So what if you don’t have a child of your own? Is that the end of the world? As long as there is life, there is always hope and endless God given opportunities. It is a matter of tuning into what He has to offer at that particular time. Being a God of all seasons and time, He is neither too early nor too late, but always on time. Your season now may be to adopt a child whose presence in your life would make you forget all the worries about being single, entering menopause or not having your own child. 

The presence of this child will help you appreciate the untapped beauty and glory of God all around you. When a woman gets to this point in life, only the presence of a child can give her hope again. Go to any of the many motherless babies home and make enquires on how to go about it. As long as you treat the child as your own, invest love and care into his or her life, nobody would know you weren’t the biological mother of the child. The truth is that not everywoman was meant to carry a child in her womb just like not everywoman who is able to carry a child is in her womb is meant to be a mother. You can be a good mother without being able to have a child biologically. 

Children have the magic to make moods and self-pity disappear, because they would always do or say something to make one laugh without intending to. Frankly, this is what you need the most now. Stress could have caused you to go into menopause and age drastically. There is nothing that says you still cannot get a man of your own, get pregnant if you are relaxed. 

In addition, adopting a child and taking on the responsibility of caring for the survival of the child would stop your tilt towards suicide since you would be too busy to even remember to feel sorry for yourself. 

The beauty of being 49 is that you don’t need the permission of your parents or the society to restructure your life the way it pleases God and you, as long as you have the financial ability to care for the child. 

Stop depending on intermediaries to talk to your Father. Go to Him directly and buy back your happiness, dreams and glory as a woman.

Good luck. 

Anal-rape makes me a gay, masturbation follows…

Dear Agatha, 

I read and appreciate the way you help people with your advice. I pray you would be able to help me too. I am a 24-year-old young man who lives in Enugu. I come from good Christian family. 

But I have this problem that keeps troubling my heart whenever I remember it. 

Some few years ago, an old guy, who lives in our neighbourhood, anally raped me. Ever since I have lived the life of a gay. In addition to having sex with matured men, I am also into masturbation for my own pleasures as well as for the pleasures of other gays like me who desires it as part of their sexual delights.

Severally, I have tried to stop this shameful practice, but find it almost impossible to do so. So please I beg you in the name of God to please advise me on how to stop it. How do I stop this devilish act, because I want to give my life to Jesus Christ? 

Val.

Dear Val, 

You have chosen the best path because only Jesus Christ has the powers to stop this habit of yours. Lean on Him tightly by praying every moment for His intervention. In giving your life to Christ, you give Him absolute authority to be in charge of your life at all times. 

No other person can do it as effectively as Jesus Christ. Anytime you have the urge to masturbate or have sex with another man, take refuge in the words of God by reading the Bible. 

Going through the Bible in your moment of sexual weakness would dull the excitement of sex long enough for your mind to move away from and into something more productive. 

For this reason, you must look for something that would engage your interest, something to divert your energy to when all those urges come. It could be an exercise programme, which you could do on your own at odd hours of the night when the senses are relaxed and looking for the pleasure of sex. 

In addition to reading the Bible, meditating on the words of God, you need to expend your energy on some physical exercises that will leave your mind free to think clearly and healthily.

This is to ensure you gradually wean yourself from this habit and position yourself properly to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Thereafter, you need to consider moving away from familiar environment as well as this group of persons you are having these relationships with. Develop a relationship with a girl whose presence in your life would divert your mind from thinking of all the men you have slept with. 

The essence of a girlfriend is to help divert your mind from appreciating men to liking women, of coming into full relationship with women instead of men. Begin to have a dream of the future, of the kind of children you desire to have, of the type of woman to help you achieve them as well as the image you desire to have. Focus on the impression you want to leave behind in the minds of people who come into contact with you from now on. No matter how much satisfaction you get from these men, can you publicly tell the world that you are gay? Is it a habit you are proud of? 

Life is about staying in our comfort zone. Is being a gay a comfort zone, something you can’t proudly declare or allow your children ever go into?

If your answers are in the negative, it means you have as a matter of urgency to re-position yourself and life for you to be able to rid yourself of this habit. There is no point in doing something we are ashamed to declare in public, recommend boldly to people around us or take pride in even in our private moments.

Because you would need the help of someone to pray with you, help you when you are really down and all the urges come, there is the need to ask God to direct you to a church whose pastor has the special anointing to deal with this kind of issue. You need a pastor who is patient, full of wisdom as well as understanding of the mystery of life to help bring you out of this through deliverance and prayers. 

Once you are able to cure your lust for male company, you would have tackled the issue of masturbation. Although not a by-product of being a gay, the same efforts you put into coming out of being a gay is the same process that it also takes to beat masturbation. 

Good luck. 

His promise to sponsor my study turns trick to mar my dream…

Dear Agatha,

God will bless all that you are doing through your columns.
I met him almost at the time my sister whom I was staying with died in 2003. He promised me marriage, but after the burial of my sister, my mother and I travelled to the village and I lost contact with the man. 

But somehow, he managed to trace our house in Lagos and told my family the day he came of his intentions to sponsor my education as well care for me. I was naturally happy that God has finally sent a helpmate to me because I desired to go further on my study, but no money to turn my dream to reality. 

So I left to live with him. After some months, I discovered I was pregnant. He asked me not to abort it so I agreed. I gave birth to a son. After the birth of our son, I asked what would happen to my plans to further my study; he promised to work towards it. One day, he came home with a polytechnic form. I was happy at the development. I got admitted into the school and started to attend lectures. However my dream of a good education disintegrated when I asked him for money to pay my school fees. He simply told me he lacked idea of what I was saying. Left with no choice, I had to stop attending lectures. 

When it appeared as if I would never fulfill my dream of a better tomorrow, I demanded to know why he didn’t want to pay my fees. He told me that before he can invest in my education, I would have to agree to give him another child. I declined the condition he attached to it and cried to God that night. Not too long after this, someone from the village came to inform me of my mother’s state of health. I eventually lost my mother and I blame him for this.  

From that point, he became cruel to me, started maltreating me. He sees me as nobody all because we are not from the same State. I am planning to leave him at the end of this year when our last child would be a year old.  From the much I have observed about him, our relationship isn’t leading anywhere. Considering my purpose on earth, I would be wasting further time staying with him. We don’t discuss issues together as two people living together under the same roof. We don’t have plans for the future together. Do you know Agatha that he built a house without informing me? I work for him; he has never paid me a time for my services. He accuses me of not liking his family members. Please I need your urgent assistance. 

I have seen different messages sent by different ladies he met online to his phone and when I confront him on these messages, he would deny knowing any of the ladies. But I saw the details of the money sent him by one of these ladies on his phone. 
What do I do? 
Esther.

Dear Esther, 

Don’t replace one mistake with another mistake. The worst mistake that can happen to you now is to be left high and dry by your own children at the time you would need them the most. You cannot afford to be hasty in taking a conclusive decision on this matter because children are involved. It has transcended the two of you to include the future of those innocent children you both brought into the world. As their mother, you owe these children your time, future and interest. Unlike a single woman who can afford to take her leave of a relationship that is not working for her, you cannot do the same thing because what you have is as good as marriage. You owe those children so much. There is no sacrifice that is too much for you to make for these children. It is your first call as a mother. I say this because you don’t have any means of livelihood and it isn’t a tea party caring for children especially in today’s highly competitive world where education has become a must for every child. 

If you take them away from him, do you have the ability to take good care of them? This journey you are about to embark on requires you to premise everything about the children on your income because along the road, their father may not be forthcoming in money for their upkeep especially if another woman comes into his life. It is always a different ball game for most men when their children are not living with them. You will have to provide much more for them even if he is alive to his responsibilities. No matter how generous he could be, you must have enough money of your own to cushion the shortfalls that are bound to arise. Do you have that kind of money? Do you have the emotional strength to devote on your own to caring solely for these children all alone? 

Would you be able to cope without the attention of another man in your life? The attention of another man would definitely affect the quality of time and interest you have in your children. These are not things one plans for but they just happen and if care is not taken you risk losing the respect and cooperation of the children. Therefore, you must think of that time now. Factor it into your plans to leave the father of your children. 

And if you are planning on leaving the children behind, whom do you plan to leave them with? The man you claim has no time for you? Whose interest is shadowed by different women?

The truth of life is that there is no perfect situation. What we have is a perfect will to make it work at all cost. There is no point blaming this man for a situation your family helped in creating. They should have insisted he paid your bride price before leaving for his house. To have allowed you leave for his house without performing any formal ceremony on you didn’t exactly do you any honour where this man is concerned. 

Deep down he feels that you agreed to his proposal because he promised to send you to school. And to be very frank, in his shoes how would you feel if this man considered you based on what he can get from you? Would you in all honesty have considered him as father to your children, if he didn’t promise to send you to school? Would your parents have been so generous to have allowed you go and live with him if he didn’t make you this promise?

As long as your stay with him is violent free, all the things you complained of are normal issues you can manage with time. But you must have to completely forgive and forget his broken promise to you. Some of the major issues in your marriage have to do with resentment on both sides. You are suppressing anger at the way he deceived you and your parents into thinking he has the answer to your family economic problem and has made up your mind never to forgive him for shattering your dreams of getting a good education. 

He, on the other hand, cannot forgive the reason you advertised for agreeing to come and be part of his life. You have to forgive him for duping you of your body and life while he has to let go his conclusions about you that you are a gold digger. 

The presence in your relationship of these children has made it very important that you leave all these hurtful memories behind. There is so much more of joy and happiness in your marriage if you both learn to trust and belief in what you have going. 

You must appreciate that there is nothing happening to us that God isn’t aware of. Forget all the other women in his life; they are distraction. He wont be the first man to have other relationships outside his home neither would he be the last. When things come to this point, a sensible woman should apply the practical solution. If you leave, another woman would take over your home and all the efforts you have put into his life and home would have been in vain. You are the woman in the house and the mother of his children hence has an advantage the other women don’t have. If you still want to go to school, you can but ensure your home is intact for you to have the peace of mind to pursue your education in peace. 

At this junction use the woman in you to get him to listen. Apply wisdom, humility, respect, trust, and selflessness into your marriage. Always be there for him. Even if he doesn’t tell you anything concerning his day at work, ask him about his day and tell him about yours. If you are patient and persistent in your resolve to keep your man, you will at the end of the day succeed.

Good luck.

My UK boyfriend starves me of gifts

Dear Agatha,

Before I begin my story, I want you to know that I would do precisely what you tell me to do. I am 26 years old and graduated in December last year. My boyfriend is currently in the United Kingdom (UK) for his Master degree programme. Before he left for UK he asked me out but I declined because I was into another relationship then. 

By the time he left we had nothing going between the two of us. We only started dating eight months ago when he found out that my other relationship had collapsed. He called me to renew his interest in me. After a while I accepted to date him. 

But my problem is that he hasn’t been forthcoming with gifts or money. He doesn’t care how I fend for myself at all. I also noticed that he doesn’t call me as often as he did and when he calls he is so aloof on the phone. 

Agatha, I am asking for your help because I don’t subscribe to double dating. He is the only man in my life and sincerely I can’t be categorical about my feelings for hm. Sometimes he stays for more than two weeks without calling me. And when he calls he complains of hardship over there. Recently, he called one of his cousins to take me to his village to meet with his uncles and grandma. Please what should I do because a lot of men are asking me out? I am currently so confused. Should I quit and start something else with another man?  

Mary.

Dear Mary, 

Your boyfriend isn’t the problem here. You are! From the tone of your e-mail, you don’t really care about him but are more interested in the fact that he is abroad and the money you assume he has gone there to pick on the streets of that country to send to you.

If you want to end the relationship don’t look for excuses, rather be bold enough to admit to where your interest really is. If you love him, you would understand that he is a student and that money doesn’t grow from trees in these countries; that things are just as difficult as they are in Nigeria, if not more difficult out there. If nothing, you at least have the familiarity as well as comfort of family and friends; he doesn’t have that at all. For him, it is a lonely and very cold world out there. If he went as a student, he isn’t officially permitted to work. If he is working, it won’t be with the knowledge of the authority and even at then, the remunerations won’t be anything to write home about. 

In addition those countries are going through crunching economic situations too which means the limited jobs available cannot go round even their own people, let alone foreigners. Sending things and money to you isn’t automatic at all. You must learn from this early moment to begin to make the necessary sacrifices for both of you because life comes in different phases. 

To reap from this man, you must be ready to plant. He needs peace of mind from you to concentrate on what he has gone there to do and get good results. If he isn’t calling you as often as you expect, bear in mind that he has tests and examinations to write. He is spending a lot of money on his education and upkeep. What he needs from you now is encouragement. Asking his cousin to take you to see his family shows that he wants you in his life and that thoughts of you are on his mind. What he doesn’t have now is the free cash to give you. Appreciate the lithe he has to offer you, which is more than most men can give. Don’t torture this man emotionally if you don’t want him. Your concern should be to find out from him how he is coping and the challenges he is facing out there. 

It would have been a different case, if he was lavishing money and gifts on his family members and ignores you or stopping you from meeting with his people. 

Before you make up your mind on what to do with him, first ask yourself some compulsory questions. In my experiences, it is only when we don’t want a particular person to share our space that we begin to dig up issues that are unimportant. Make up your mind about this man. What do you want from him? Material gains or emotional satisfaction? Call him only when you are sure of what you want and are comfortable with what he has to offer you, to discuss areas you are still not clear about with him. Dialogue offers you both a platform to iron out grey areas and to also plan. Chances are he stopped calling you as frequently as he was doing initially in reactions to your attitude towards him on the phone. He may have sensed your resentment from the tone of your voice.

Relationship is a continuous process of blending and building. Nobody ever gets it right even till the end. You have to be firm and determined to make it work at all home. This is the only way you can protect yourself from negative peer and family pressures. 

If you love this man, give him a chance to build his life at the age he has more than enough strength to achieve the best of results. For now leaving him for other men isn’t the panacea as a matter of fact, it often doesn’t work because every relationship has its sets of challenges. 

Good luck. 

Greed to go abroad turns me his sex machine

Dear Agatha, 
I am a regular reader of your column and always impressed with your submissions. I have a problem and need your help.

I’m a 23-year-old staff nurse and dating a 29-year-old guy. Our relationship started in January. Being the first child in a family of seven and following the economic degradation, it the whole responsibility of the family fell on me. My parents tried to see me through the School of Nursing but couldn’t complete the task due to the demands of my siblings.  

Everyone was expecting me to get a good job and marry a rich man in other to help my family.
I’m a staunch Catholic by birth while my boyfriend is of the Cherubim and Seraphim religious denomination. That was where I began to have problem with the relationship.

He loved me enough to agree to sexless relationship with me. Although unemployed, he promised to marry me as soon as he got a job. He is a graduate. If there is a quality I find outstanding about him is his optimism.  He even promised to become a catholic because of me. He is from a good home and behaves responsibly. I love him, but because he has no job yet as well as his religious denomination, I didn’t take him serious.
Our relationship was all good till March when this other guy I met through the sister and lives in South Africa proposed to me over the phone. He’s from a catholic family and told me that he’s working and schooling over there as well. I told my parents about him and they accepted him thinking that their prayers have been answered. I’ve also dreamt of going overseas where my profession will be useful to my family and me. I thought I was in cloud nine then. My constant interaction with this guy on the phone projects him as being responsible.  

We exchanged pictures over the internet and he looked good. He was such in a hurry to pay my bride price but I insisted that he should come back to Nigeria so that we could meet and get to know each other more. To be frank, I called this guy over the phone more than he calls me and I thought it was right.
I kept all these away from my boyfriend. I planned my new relationship as a surprise for me. And I also denied having a relationship when asked by the guy in South Africa.  

Little did I know that the South African man had a skeleton his cupboard? He came to marry me for the wrong reason because am a nurse, while I accepted his proposal owing to my desire to travel out. I knew very well that I love my first guy more than him but I ignored this salient fact.  However, I started noticing this man from South Africa was not the person I thought he was when he pressured me to have an unprotected sex with him the first time I met him at his parents’ house.

I know it was totally against my principle but I allowed it, not minding the implication of what I was doing with him because I believed he is the man for me. I thought maybe after marrying me he would take me abroad.
My instincts failed me as he later turned me into a sex slave each time I am with him. Within me, it has never been my intention to sleep with him but I was blindfolded by the promise of travelling abroad. I later dragged him to see my parents formally. They accepted him because he behaved and talked like a saint in their presence. He promised to come back to see my parents again but he never did. The worst of it all is that this guy never spent any kobo or gave me money for once. I was the one spending my hard earned slim salary on him. I always force him to come and see me in my workplace and he came only once.
Soon my first guy started having this terrible feeling that something is wrong because I always ignore his calls each time I’m with the other guy. I was really feeling sorry and guilty at the way I was cheating on my first boyfriend but I kept ignoring my feelings of guilt. 

I later discovered that this other guy doesn’t love me at all but was only using me to satisfy his sexual urges all in the name of marriage. 

I couldn’t tolerate it any longer. I had to tell him about my relationship with the first guy. I challenged him that he was only using me as a sex slave. Before this, I noticed he was reluctant to come and see my parents again. Each time I reminded him of his promise to see them, he would become irritated and annoyed for no obvious reasons. I also discovered he was having other relationships. The last straw that broke the camel’s back was that he was dating my colleagues. 

I ran mad and went into psychological trauma for giving my virginity and body to the wrong guy. 
I couldn’t bear the pains any longer and I had to tell my first guy all that happened. He was shocked and cried bitterly. It was painful for both of us. I thought the best thing was to break up with him and pick up the pieces of my life again, but he refused to let me go. Despite my unfaithfulness, I swore never to have sex with him but he persisted. I later had sex with him because he told me that it’s the only way he can forget all that happened. I knew he wasn’t himself because he did not intentionally have sex with me but my infidelity dragged him to the wall. He later apologised and promised not to have sex with me until we’re married. He told me that he wants our relationship back to its normal state. From his actions lately, I know that he still love me but I always feel guilty. 

He has also been helpful in making me forget all that I went through. I have since forgotten about the South African man. I know that he will meet his nemesis.
Tell me, do I still wait for this guy who loves me after everything considering my family responsibilities or should I choose carefully from the suitors who are still seeking my hand in marriage? I knew my parents won’t accept him because of his denomination and joblessness but I think this guy really loves me. He has done what most guys will never tolerate. He keeps on telling me that love does not keep record of wrongs. I pray and believe that God will certainly give him the best of jobs.
Ozy.

Dear Ozy, 

True love doesn’t keep records of any wrong. Rather, it looks the other way when hurting. You have really been unfair to this guy who from what you have said really cares about you. He is not just a man who loves you but also one who is your true friend. Only a man who is a friend to the woman in his life would forgive easily what you did to him.

However the issue at hand now is more than you both being together, it has to do with what you really want from life. To prevent you hurting him again, you must be very clear on what you want from life and him.

Before you both go too far, there is the need for you to first of all clear the challenge your different denominations would throw up. Do you have the capacity and ability to withstand the avalanche of protests that would come from your parents knowing you are going outside the Catholic Church to marry, not just someone from another church but a white garment one? It is not enough for him to promise you he would change for your sake but a matter of reality. The tradition is for the woman to change to her husband’s church and not the man changing to the woman’s church. To pretend he would to appease you and your parents would be expecting too much, hence the need for you to properly resolve the issue within yourself before moving too deep into it.

You must be sure your love for this man can stand the test of time. He has proven his love for you by forgiving you of an offence many men would never have forgiven you. Look deep into your heart and be very frank with yourself, can you look at your parents’ straight in the eyes and tell them you don’t care about your denomination? Would he be able to rely on your love when your parents reject you on account of the church he attends as well his lack of job?

If you really want to make this man happy, forget whatever anybody says and listen to that inner voice right inside of you. What is the voice saying about him and his kind of person? Relationship and marriage go beyond having money and attending the same church. It is a combination of who you both are, your individual values, the kind of sacrifices you can willingly make for the other person to be happy and responsibilities you can each carry.  Be honest about what you want and let him know. It won’t be fair on this man if you again lead him on, only to drop him for reasons you should have tackled from the beginning. 

As for the other man, he isn’t to blame for anything. You caused what happened to you out of greed. No matter the temptations you were facing at home, it wasn’t enough reason for you to trade your body, conscience and dignity for money. You kept enduring his dehumanising treatment of your mind and body because you were greedy. The offer of marriage wasn’t enough for you to do what you did. 

All you need in life to succeed as a woman is to be focused. Once you have that, no man would ever be able to take undue advantage of you or be pressured into anything. 

Good luck. 

Dated for 10 years, mother married her off, now schemes to return…

Dear Agatha, 

My relationship was more than 10 years old before I left Nigeria. Our plan was to marry each other. 

Two years after I came to this country, she called me to inform me of the pressures her family members were putting on her to marry another man. The essence of her call was to have my opinion on the issue. I immediately called her mother to ask why they were trying to make my girlfriend change her mind about me. I assured her of my love for and desire to marry her daughter. Without mincing words, she told me that if I wanted her daughter to wait for me, I should commence the marriage rites by asking my people to come and pay her bride price. 

Unfortunately, things were rough for me that I couldn’t raise any money for her. I kept encouraging her to be patient until my cousin called me to inform me that she has gotten married. I was shocked and feel uncomfortable for some years. During these years I made up my mind that I will not call her and even if I come back to Nigeria, I will not look for her. 

Thank God I found favour in His sight because He blessed me. When I travelled to Nigeria, I asked after her and my cousin told me she has two daughters and that she has been asking after me. To my greatest surprise she called me on phone and I asked how she got my number, she told me that my cousin gave her my number. Thereafter, she started sending me text messages. 

I had to warn her to desist from such an awful act. Later my cousin told me that she plans to divorce her husband and marry me.
Please advise me on what to do because I am confused. I don’t know what next to do. The fact is that I love her so much and yet to meet a girl I love like I love her.
Celestine.

Dear Celestine, 

Don’t be confused about anything concerning this lady because she is off limits to you. The moment she accepted to be the other man’s wife, she ceased to be your business. Granted, you both spent more than 10 years of your lives dating and desiring to marry, there is nothing left for you with her.  The fact that she married someone else shows that God didn’t intend both of you to be an item. God ordains the order of things the way He pleases. You both desired it but failed to reckon with the final plans of God for both of you. If He had, she wouldn’t have married another man and you would have had the money to commence the marriage rites when her mother demanded it of you. That you didn’t, further underscores the truth that you and this woman weren’t meant to be.

So allow the memory of her go and move on with your life.  To look back and contemplate any future with her is to court trouble. Apart from being the wife of another man, she has two young children to look after. These people should be her concern now and not you. Whether she was justified in her action or not isn’t the issue now. Having made her choice let her understand there can never be anything beyond friendship between the two of you. Help her if you feel like helping from a distance but avoid being in her company alone or with this friend of yours who is obviously in subtle support of you both coming together.  You haven’t met another woman to love because you have refused to allow yourself fall in love again. Deep down you are still hurting at the memory of losing her as well as the circumstances in which the whole thing happened. 

You just must let go because that is the only way you can find comfort and peace in another woman. Stop blaming yourself for a situation God long ago took the power of decision away from you or this lady. Accept the fact that at the time you both dated, you came to fulfill a reason of God in your lives. For both of you to have stayed that long together, showed that you were both close and were friends.  God wanted to use your coming together to prepare both of you for your future partners. She must have imparted positively on your life. Draw strength from that relationship by beginning something new with another woman. Your ability to manage the temperament of a woman for that long; shows you have what it takes to make a woman happy.  If she is refusing to allow the training she received from your time together reflect in her life and marriage, don’t make the same mistake in your own life. 

Regrets are only for those who aren’t sensitive to the spirit of God in their lives.  The trick is to take a day at a time. Begin by being friend with the woman you like. Don’t rush anything and don’t make promises until you have asked God to direct your steps this time around. Once God is in it, there is nothing to fear. Lean on God completely.

Good luck. 

We met on Facebook

Dear Agatha,
I want to thank you for the good work you have been doing. I am 30 years old, a Nigerian but based in Indonesia. 

Please I need your help and advice. I met a girl on Facebook network and ever since, we have both fallen in love with each other. We communicate every day. We have made love through the telephone several times even though we are yet to meet physically. She has sent me her pictures and I have also sent her mine. We are now discussing marriage, but we shall do this formally when I come back to Nigeria by December. Please advise me on what to do.
Uche.

Dear Uche, 

What is your idea of marriage? What do you hope to achieve by marriage and what role do you want it to play in your life as you get older? Importantly, what kind of woman do you have in mind for a wife?

Granted the choice of a woman is yours to make, but the journey towards marriage requires more than you have now. Marriage is a book many people are reading wrongly. From what you have said, you appear only to be interested in the cover of the book and not its contents. If you look beyond the beautiful illustration on its cover and go through all the chapters of the book, you will realise that it is one of the most difficult journeys in life. Contrary to what many people planning marriage think, it goes beyond a man and woman coming together to live under the same roof. It requires much more to make it work. 

In the first place, how much of this woman do you know? What kind of woman do you think would make love on the phone with a man she doesn’t know? Deep in your mind, do you think a woman worthy of becoming your wife should engage in such an act with someone she doesn’t know? What kind of woman do you think engages in telephone conversation with a man she doesn’t know?  Can you in all honesty guarantee such a woman capable of being faithful to you? What do you think her interest is in you? Would she consider a marriage proposal to you if you weren’t living outside the country? 

Marriage is based on trust, selfless sacrifices and a deep understanding. As a man, you need a woman who shares your dream as well as her support to make it work. You need a woman who would be there through thick and thin, to give you unconditional faith in yourself, especially when things are not going your way.

You need a woman who would be more than a partner to you, who would be a good friend, a dependable shoulder to lean on when the deep dark clouds cast their shadows on one’s dream and shine. A woman can make or break a man’s life hence the need for every man to be careful when making the choice of a wife. The fact that she makes love to you on the phone isn’t enough reason to contemplate marriage with her. As a matter of fact, it is the very reason you should exercise some restraints in coming to a conclusion about anything until you have an opportunity to meet her physically. 

Pictures don’t tell the true story about anyone. You cannot know what her temperament is from the picture, how good a woman she is or her moral values. Also you cannot tell from looking at her if she is in love with you or not. 

Drop every plan for marriage until you come to the country. Meet her first to know if you even like the physical person you have been talking to on the phone. In today’s modern world, there is a wide difference between the physical person and the picture image. You may not even like her at all so why make a marriage plan with an image of the person you are yet to meet? It is her you want to marry, not the image in the picture.

There is no hurrying into marriage because it is a journey you are not expected to return from. Once you go into it, the society expects it to be a permanent journey. Being itself shrouded in the mystery of life, anyone going into marriage should avoid taking on more mystery into it. 

Suspend everything until you come. Get to know her. Measure her temperament, find out about her values. Commence friendship with her. Look out of her strong points as well as her weak ones with a view of merging her good and bad sides together. At the end of the day, gauge your findings and find the equilibrium that is suitable for you. Use this visit as exploratory visit to determine the direction you want your future to go. Bad marriages just don’t happen; they are often than not, products of our carelessness, stubbornness and inexperience.   

Besides, one must seek the face of God first before one goes into marriage else you end up with the wrong partner. You must first begin at the feet of God. There is no right time for it but now. Before you come to Nigeria, pray for God’s help as well as direction. Ask Him to lead and direct your steps on the path to go to get the answers you seek once God is on your side, you will meet with success in this journey. 

At this stage, you need patience, wisdom to do the right thing. Don’t make the mistake of relying only on the strength of your emotions because it may not be enough to shield your marriage from the natural elements and warfare that go with any marriage.

Good luck.

I raped my own wife

Dear Agatha, 

My marriage is 13 months old. I am getting fed up of the whole thing as a result of my wife’s attitude to sex. She is frigid. Fact is she was raped 15 months before I met her by a man she thought loved her. She was a virgin at the time the incident happened. I have tried my best to understand her attitude but I am now getting to my wits end as she remains unresponsive to anything I do to make her get out the shell she has erected. Some few days ago, I was so desperate for her company I forced myself on her. Since then she has been calling me a rapist and won’t even allow me into our bedroom. 

By the time I came back from work that day, my things were already neatly packed into the guest room. I have pleaded with her best friend to talk to her but she remains adamant. I don’t know what to do. Considering the fact that I have not enjoyed sex since marrying her, I am seriously contemplating quitting the marriage and looking for another woman who would make me feel like a man. I honestly feel like half a man. To be fair to her, she is a good woman outside the bedroom; the kind of woman I have always prayed for a wife.

Please help me.

Idemudia.

Dear Idemudia, 

Marriage is a trial and a process of building. There is no union without a challenge. Running away from this situation isn’t a solution at all because you don’t know the kind of challenge that awaits you at the other side of the divide. 

Frankly, you didn’t act well by forcing yourself on her, especially as you are aware of her history. She is clearly yet to get over that incident of rape. As her husband, your duty in her life isn’t to remind her of something she is trying so much to forget but to help give her another memory of how beautiful lovemaking can be with the right person.

You don’t have any excuse for what you did. Forcing yourself on her shattered the trust she had in you. In her mind, you are no better than the man who violated her. The man like you is someone she trusted, loved and shared a level of intimacy with. To have done what you did as her husband, you brought up the memory of that time again in vivid colours. Again, another man has betrayed her trust.

No matter how pressed you were, you shouldn’t have forced yourself on her. When a man rapes a woman, it isn’t just her body that gets violated, her mind too suffers, perhaps the worst. The body can always heal but the mind doesn’t heal as fast as the body. The human memory once violated would require a stronger and contrasting incident to erase the ugly one from the brain’s database. This is what you failed to do; instead you opened up old wounds that communicate a negative image of your feelings for her. 

To her, you are only interested in her body and not her person. Although this is a wrong conclusion of what you feel for her, but in this current state she is in, there is no changing her mind. It would require more than pleas from her friend to soften her attitude towards you. 

You must develop an unusual kind of patience to penetrate the new wall she has created around herself and heart. For now, you must forget the physical side of your relationship and concentrate on getting her to believe in you as well as trust you as her husband again.

Allow the bedroom arrangement remain the way it is for now. As long as you both live in the same house, there is hope of you both coming to perfect understanding on your needs and desires. No matter how bitter she is, she would eventually thaw sufficiently to make things work.

But you have to rid yourself of your current feelings of ending it all. You must develop the thickness of skin if this marriage is to work; forget your current anger at her for calling you a rapist. For now, she is not really in charge of her senses due to the violation she has suffered. You can be rest assured that her hurt is deeper than yours. She is a victim of being a woman. Deep down, she hates what men are doing to her on account of being a woman; she may also be very angry with herself for being unable to prevent being the object of attraction and sex. It is a very complicated circle of emotions she is going through inside of her. She doesn’t need a lover for now but a friend to help her come to terms that sex can be beautiful with the right kind of man. 

First, you must find a way of becoming her friend, to earn the trust you lost by forcing yourself on her. It is a sacrifice you must be willing to shoulder for the sake of the marriage. Take her out as a friend. Listen to her pains, stories, condemnation and helplessness. Allow her to talk about what she really feels. Get her to talk about her pre-rape dreams too. Take her back to her early years. Get her to talk about you, your marriage and what she hopes to achieve with this marriage. Let her talk about the future, the children and you. 

Let her also express her current views on men. This way, you will know where she needs help and how to replace the void and ugliness created by the rape with beautiful colours of nature.

As her husband you have to be able to make her laugh and trust in life again. Until she is able to trust life again, there is no way she can be ready to be a wife to you. 

You need to be patient, very understanding and extra caring to make her be a woman with hopes and dreams again. She is still very sore at the memory and being her first time, the experience must have been very painful. 

She needs you not only to understand but also to help heal her of the memory of that ugly incident. She also needs your prayer to heal from within. If you walk away you would have destroyed the little self-esteem she has as a woman. Through the grace of God, you will one day look back and thank God for having the patience to wait.

Good luck. 

Re: Our sex life died when my husband got born again

Wise counselling Auntie Agatha, God fearfully and wonderfully made you! 

Dear Lizzy, I won’t condemn you and believe me I am surprised an African woman is coming out in the open to discuss this, kudos to you for the boldness. You have every right to demand for sex from your husband as you rightly quoted in I Cor. 7. Please, as a matter of urgency seek counselling as soon as possible, don’t be shy about it please; Proverbs 24:6. say in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.’ Get the pastor’s attention or the wife as Aunty Agatha suggested and please make this a matter of priority. Your husband, for reasons best known to him, is seeing this in a wrong perspective and if not quickly curtailed this might even end his calling to the ministry as this is not what God had in mind when He ordained marriage. Are you a full-time housewife? If yes, you can also find something doing to keep your mind busy (off sex) for other things as Aunty Agatha suggested.
You said ‘my husband became born again, months later I had no choice but to follow suit ’ does not seem to me that you became born again from the heart but rather by choice and therein lies part of the problem. Being part of different committee groups in church does not mean you are born again from the inside. If you are strong in the spirit God would have directed you on what to do even if your husband is doing something to the contrary. Please seek wise counselling and don’t commit adultery. You should know better the consequence of this as a child of God. You need on your part to rededicate your life to God. As par your last statements please don’t do something bad to yourself as you will destroy yourself and your husband’s ministry. Please seek counselling and keep praying. May God touch your husband’s heart. 

Deacon Adeyemi.

Tired waiting after dating him for 10 years…

Dear Agatha, 

I am a lawyer, 31years, third child of the family of five girls and a boy. I met my boyfriend in my 100 level, we were very close that a lot of our mates thought we were headed for the altar. 

Although he was a year ahead of me when we started, he had to dropout of school when he discovered the person who helped him with his admission didn’t do a perfect job. 

His friend and I were the only ones who knew about this. He didn’t even tell his parents. He was collecting money from his parents under the pretence of being in school. He tried to secure admission again but nothing worked.

When I was in my 300level or thereabout, I called him again to try but he kept telling me he would. 

Meanwhile his father who at the time was working with United States’ Embassy in Lagos was nearing his retirement. He was entitled to relocate to the US with his wife and children under the ages 21. The older ones he could file for. Perhaps, he thought this would come earlier; hence he didn’t take the admission thing too serious since he thought he would relocate and begin a new life in the US. 

After a while, he completely forgot the admission thing and took to hanging out with friends until they all left for their houses. He was really living life to the full and didn’t think twice about cheating on me. There was a particular girl he dated concurrently for two years. When I found out I was really hurt and disappointed. He begged me not to leave him, promising to drop the girl.

I stayed but vowed to revenge. Looking back, I regretted not leaving him then. I kept reminding him of his admission status and most times, he takes offence and tells me not to disturb him. There was a day he told me to leave him alone and not to disturb him. He however apologised and claimed not to have meant it, but that he just wanted me to stop pestering him about it. 

In my 400level, his father was preparing to relocate to the US, I reminded him again and told him it was an opportunity to at least see if he could get money from his father, stay back in Lagos and see what business he could start, especially as people assumed he was in his final year. This infuriated him and asked why I would say that.

Having lied to his father that he had an extra year, his father left him his car. I reminded him again and asked how would he get money to service the car? I graduated and went to law school. I kept asking him to go back to school because I am worried about how he would provide for me as a wife.

He refused until I reported him to his friend. He is now in his first semester Ordinary National Diploma part time in a Lagos Polytechnic. He still has three years to go. 

I raised the issue and he said he would wait for his father to send for him and that he would not even need any certificate to travel then. I kept quiet because I didn’t buy this at all. 

But I had to lie to my family that he too was serving in the North while I kept begging him to go back to school since I have been deceiving my family from 2001 concerning his education. 

My challenge now is that I have been working for the past four years and each day, I meet people. Sincerely, I don’t want to settle down for less than I am, but because of the love I have for him, I have stayed with him. It has gotten to the embarrassing point of people asking when we are going to get married. I have kept lying to them just to protect him. 

Last year February, my younger sister got married. Now my youngest sister called me to inform me of her intentions to marry, but that she wanted me to go first. 

I dated a guy last year that was ready to marry me, but he frustrated the relationship till I broke up with the guy. It wasn’t the first time he would be doing that to me. Now I don’t even have the nerve to go into any serious relationship. 

Once I met a guy and he begins to talk about marriage, I break up with him and begin to date guys who are not serious because this man is so much part of me.  

I am under severe pressure to marry. It isn’t as if my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me but I am scared because my salary alone cannot sustain both of us as my salary isn’t even up to N30,000. People think he is a graduate and he can get a job anytime, but I know better. 

The impression a lot of people have about me is that I don’t want to marry him because he doesn’t have a job. Some even go to the extent of counselling me that marriage would bring us better luck.

Recently, he asked the father to call me, which he did. He told me to tell my parents to fix a date for our wedding. His father obviously didn’t like the answer I gave him to the effect that his son and I weren’t ready because he hung up on me.  

Agatha, we have been dating for 10 years. He is too possessive and thinks I am cheating on him; hence he takes to calling me almost every hour. Like me he is also 31, though I am two months older. There are other guys interested in marrying me. There is one particular one who is so persistent but I am not serious about him. I really wish I broke up with him long ago. The issue is I am very scared. I really want to get married as soon as possible. Please advise me. I want to celebrate my next birthday in my husband’s house.  

Worried Lady 

Dear Worried Lady, 

You and not this man is your own problem. You are the one who constitutes an impediment to your chance of being happy. He isn’t the one driving away the men, you are. He isn’t the one lying to your family and everybody, you are. He isn’t the one allowing his family escape with the impression that he isn’t ready to marry, you are. 

He isn’t the one who has forced you to continue to excuse his behaviour, you did. In all these, you are the one to blame for whatever challenges you are going through. So stop looking for excuses where none exists and sit down to ask yourself some soul-searching questions. 

Granted you love him but where is all this leading? You claim you don’t want to marry him because you cannot fend for him on your present salary, but you are unwilling to marry any of the suitors who come your way. So what do you want? The thing is for you to make up your mind on what you want first before asking for help. You cannot eat and still have your cake. It is either you make up your mind to stay with him, ignore his inability to go through school or you move on with your life. 

Don’t wait until you become desperate, when the suitors begin to dry up before you make up your mind on what direction to sail your ship. At 31, age is gradually not on your side. You are inching as a woman to that age when single women become desperate to marry. Don’t for the sake of a love you appear unable to define, waste your own life? 

Already, your family, his family and friends all think you are to blame, the reason you are still single. It is high time you told all of them the truth. It is the only way you can really be free of the burden of your guilt at helping him to tell lie to his family and yours. The only way too, you can openly engage in a relationship with another man without friends and family members asking you embarrassing questions. 

You are scared because you don’t know how to face the consequences of the lies you have helped him to tell or what he would do to himself if you expose the truth about him. Frankly, you are not helping him at all to keep this lie because as long as you help him keep it from his family and friends, he would never really be serious with his life. 

He will never be the kind of man you want to marry to. You have done your best all these years but the issue is clearly beyond what you can manage alone. This is time you involved his parents in the battle of helping him re-order his life. Your boyfriend he may be, but he isn’t your responsibility. His parents will never forgive you for helping him to destroy his life by keeping this away from him. So also would your parents for not telling them. You have gotten to a point where you have to be cruel to be kind. 

Sincerely, there is no way your relationship can move beyond this point with the way things are between the two of you. You have too much resentment against him for you to be free to love him as you once did again. 

The issue between the two of you has gone beyond him cheating on you or you on him. It is more a matter of you blaming him for the loss of precious time and what appears to be the death of a dream plan. 

You will feel a lot better if the world knows where the problem really is in your relationship. It would make you breathe better and clear your mind up for the task of re-charting your own life given the reality on ground. 

If the choice still remains him, at least you would be doing so with a freer mind not one ridden by guilt of the secret of not wanting anybody to know about his aborted education. Then it won’t be a matter of whether he is good enough for me, but that of knowing that without him, you are not complete, hence the need for you to make the required sacrifice for both of you. 

And if the choice were for you to end the relationship, it would be because you have gotten to that point where you can no longer cope. 

All you need is for you to be very sincere with yourself and people around you.

Good luck.