How Do I Cope With My Girlfriend’s Hot Temper?

Dear Agatha, 

I have read your responses to the many problems facing people in various relationships, on the Internet, and have come to the conclusion that you can help me out with my own problems too. 

I have been living with my girlfriend for the past two years. She’s a Japanese while I am a Nigerian. We both live in Thailand. She has a hot temper and can easily get angry and shout at the top of her voice in the room. Sometimes, I am scared of the noise she makes when she is angry but she immediately comes begging when her anger is over.

These have being going on for years. Financially, she helps me whenever she has and I help her whenever I have too, but she helps me the more. She sometimes destroys things in the room whenever she is angry. Our understanding and cultures are totally different. She insists that I marry her but I’m not strong enough emotionally to accept that because of her behaviour. My friends are telling me to marry her because of her financial capability but on the other hand I am not really happy to go into marriage with her despite the facts that she helps me a lot. Please, I need your advice.

Anxious Boy.

Dear Anxious Boy, 

You are right to be apprehensive because there is more to marriage than money. Your friends are not the ones who will live with her. You are the one whose life will be tied to hers forever. Marriage without peace, harmony and respect is worthless even if money is in abundance. 

When the slightest mistake provokes violent reactions to the point of breaking things in the house, it calls for caution. More so, as you are an emigrant in that country, there is no telling what she can do when really provoked or when she is in such a state. By virtue of your position, she can really make trouble for you with the local authorities when angry. 

You sincerely need wisdom to paddle this canoe ashore. What you should do is to concentrate more on her person with a view to seeing how both of you can blend your differences to the point of harmony.

To do this right, you must irrespective of whatever may come out of this, tell her how uncomfortable and fearful her temper is to you. Letting her know at this early stage that her monstrous temper could get in the way of whatever plans she nurses for the future of both of you might help her fight the impulse of being destructive as well as shouting at the top of her voice when angry. Explain as gently as you can that from the part of the world you come, her behaviour is completely out of place and that for her to be accepted by you or your people, she has to learn how to control her temper. And, that while she has the right to be upset, shouting at the man she intends getting married to, destroying things bought with hard earned money isn’t your idea of the perfect wife and life you want. 

Refusing to point this out to her will never help her fight this attitude. For both of you to have stayed together for two years means she has some positive attributes you want in a woman. It can’t all have been because of money and security in that country. 

It must have come significantly from the happiness you get being close to her. Because you are also not perfect, listen to the salient plea in her character. She cannot be doing this to spite you and appears helpless in controlling the vice in her sober moments. She knows it might push you away from her hence the quick apologies that follow her every eruptions. 

In various ways, we display our need for help to people close to us without knowing what we are doing. Help her to see herself in her temper and outrage by pointing her to the damage being done to you two. When she breaks a valuable item, tell her that is the way your heart is constantly being damaged by her behaviour and that no amount of apologies can get it back to its wholesome nature.

Overtime, she will, with your help and understanding of her nature, come to appreciate your concern for her.

That temper may be a sign of insecurity from childhood. Even if you both end up not marrying, you owe it to your friendship and the years you have been together, to help her overcome this side of her. Sit her down to listen to her story from as far as she can remember. Sharing your life story with her as well as what you expect from the woman who will share your life would help give her an inkling into what you really want which at the end of the day may initiate a positive change within her. 

The positive change you are able to bring about in her today, maybe the anchor of your happiness with her tomorrow.

Good luck. 

Is Kissing Sinful?

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem with my boyfriend. I am 16 years of age. The issue centres on kissing. I want to know if kissing is regarded as a sin.

Lilly.

Dear DOD,

Dear Lilly, 

Kissing is not sinful, but it could lead a young girl like you with little or no experience in life to commit sin or short-change yourself of the abundant blessings God has in store for you. 

As a young bloom, you are prone to attracting all kinds of male interests. Unfortunately, not all of them want you for keeps; only few would come with the intentions to marry you. 

The reason you must avoid any form of intimacy with any man for now is the simple fact that you are unsure of where your erotic zones are coupled with the fact that your erratic hormones could force you into acting before thinking. The potency of a kiss is enough to make some women do things they never meant to do. You need better control of your feelings, emotions to scale through a kiss without capitulating.

Tell your boyfriend you are not ready for the consequences of a kiss now; that if he is unwilling to wait for you, understand your fears, he should let you be. 

Over time, you will come to understand that some of the things that happen to some young girls are not pre-planned but come about as a result of situations they ignorantly went into. 

If he decides to leave as a result of your refusal to kiss him, don’t worry; someone else would come who will appreciate who you are and your principles of life. 

And if you are the one wishing for it, bring into your mind’s eye the shame of unwanted pregnancy which could happen from what you think is a seemingly harmless thing like kiss.

By staying close to God, He will give you the strength to fight off this natural desire we all have to battle with once we enter into puberty. 

Good luck. 

Her Pastor Creates Roadblocks To Our Union

  Dear Agatha, 

Please I need your advice concerning a girl I met while in Lagos before I travelled out of the country to China

Though we were not on speaking terms then but we later got round that problem. From the time we became communicative, I made myself and my intentions very clear to her, that I like, love and will like to marry her if she agrees. She agreed but submitted to the will of God. I also promised to keep praying about it.
I am a Catholic while she’s Pentecostal. To my surprise, I called her one day and she started telling me that she can’t abandon her church for the Catholic Church.

I was confused and tried to persuade her to set aside whatever misgivings she may have against the church since it was me she would be getting married to and not the church. She still did not agree. Now the story has changed from not wanting to marry into the Catholic Church to her having a dream and her pastor telling her that she was about to make a mistake in marriage. 

According to her, she is confused. Not wanting to appear judgmental against her pastor whose influence over her is overwhelming, I want you to help both of you understand how to handle this complex situation.  

Very Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy, 

There is no way you can convince someone who completely lacks a will or his or her own; who depends on someone to make his or her decisions for her. 

Granted the role of our spiritual heads is to point us at the right direction, God still gave us a free access into His presence to verify issues we don’t understand. 

If she is giving the excuse of your church and what her pastor said, then she isn’t ready to settle down with you. 

Her confusion isn’t from any of these, but from fear of whether you are serious about marrying her or not especially as both of you aren’t together. 

This kind of matter requires more than telephone conversation to resolve. She needs more than the assurances given her through the phone that you care.

If you can, you might have to come to the country to talk about all the grey areas of your relationship. For instance, where is she going to stay? If here, when are you planning on bringing her live with you in your host country? One thing is to be in love, another thing is to have the kind of attitude to interpret the love to care, friendship and understanding. 

Distance makes it impossible for both of you to have the right kind of bonding necessary for couples intending to spend the rest of their lives together. No matter how much you spend on telephone calls, they aren’t as warm and assuring as seeing you from time to time. The church and what her pastor said are just excuses which firm commitment from you would completely eradicate.

Not every woman is perceptive enough to know that there is more to marriage than a wedding ceremony. What you have promised her is a wedding ceremony, not a marriage. You must find a way of communicating your need of her in your life. 

And if true, the pastor warned her of impending danger ahead, make her understand that there is nothing God cannot do if both of you are united by faith and love to pray together. 

As for the different churches you each attend, this ideally should not be a problem if God is the basis of the church. Jesus Christ remains the head of His church.  

Go into a very frank discussion with her pending the time you can come down to see her. This includes letting her know your plans for yourself as well as the one you have for her.

However, there is also the need for you to also pray; to hear from God if she is actually your missing rib because it is only if she is the right woman for you that you can find peace in your relationship.

Good luck.

I Don’t Enjoy Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am a new bride who needs advice on sex matters. My husband met me a virgin. Despite this he expects me to be very knowledgeable about the ways of men and women. My first experience wasn’t what I expected at all. I thought, going by all the excited talk my friends always have about sex, it would be a heavenly experience, but to my dismay, it turned out to be a complete let down. Not only was it very painful, it was equally stressful. 

My husband didn’t even consider the fact that it was my first time. When I complained he told me it was natural; that I would soon begin to enjoy the act.

I thought so too but we have been married for six months and there is no hope in sight for me. Rather than progress as he said, I am increasingly becoming scared of sleeping with him. I don’t enjoy his company whatsoever. He makes me sore because I am always very dry whenever he makes love to me.

My complaints about the whole thing have consistently fallen on deaf ears. I have read a lot of books to know that he is also not doing enough to help me at all. He is completely lacking in understanding of what I feel or what he puts me through each time he comes near me. I honestly feel violated but there is nothing I say that seems to make sense to him. 

What prompted me to write you is, his reference to other women he has been with and the fact that I simply cannot comprehend how to go about the whole episode of learning how to make love to protect my home. 

Agatha, please help me protect my home. Teach me how to make love to my husband to save my marriage from collapse. I don’t know who or where to turn to, as this is one topic I can’t discuss with my mother. 

Atinuke.

Dear Atinuke, 

Most men don’t understand what it takes to transform a girl to a woman. They simply don’t know that the body of a woman is more complex than that of the man and that it is more than the stroking of the breasts, caressing the body and kisses to get started and complete the journey of satisfaction between a man and woman.

It is easier for men to achieve optimum satisfaction on demand because their productive organ is placed outside their body. Besides, they are motivated by sight to get started and once on the go, most men find it absolutely easy to complete the task unlike a woman who has to be stimulated intensively to get to her peak. For a woman, the man has to take the special time to investigate her vulnerable points, her erotic zones that will not only help her achieve optimum performance but help the man too to enhance his rating.

Because there are no two women alike, irrespective of whatever experiences the man is coming with in the relationship, the woman must insist on taking him on a guide of her body’s erotic zones. Just like there are no two women alike, men too differ in their approach. While one man’s touch may turn a woman on in a particular place another can get her going on that particular spot. This is why a woman once naked before a man should bury all pretences and sense of morality if she intends to be one the same page with her partner.

By and large, a man can always peak with just about any woman because they are mostly excited by sight and not from what the woman is doing to their bodies therefore it is the duty of the woman to ensure she puts her patent on the man by ensuring no other woman gives him the kind of pleasure she gives him.

As a woman desperate to keep her man, this is one thing you must do. Throw away any inhibitions and go for books that are very matter of fact about the ways of adults. Even if he met you a virgin, the knowledge of sex is inbuilt in every man. What these books would do for you is simply to drag out that knowledge from the cupboard of your subconscious.

Forget the pain and way he has treated you so far in the bedroom. It is something you must rise above if you intend keeping him especially as he is proving difficult and very uncooperative.

Although what I am about to say is something a lot of people frown at but practical teaching of this subject demands absolute honesty and that is why you must begin with this task with a detailed knowledge of your body. What you don’t know, you cannot give or recognise.

Examine for yourself what your own erotic zones are; this way it is easier to lead your man through the maze that is your body. The fact that your husband appears to have lost patience with you means he may not be in the right frame of mind to go on this expedition with you hence the need for you to go first before approaching him. It is only after he is sated that he can willingly go with you full scale.

To help you overcome any inhibitions whatsoever, you must always have it at the back of your mind that you are licensed to do whatever you like with you body when with your husband. Don’t ever forget that if you don’t another woman would gladly take your place in his life and bed.

Knowing what turns you on is only a part of it; you must also keep him constantly in control of the situation by soliciting his help in making him happy. Giving him the impression that his satisfaction is your primary motive would spur him to further help you in becoming a mistress of the game. 

Another way you can be on top of the game is to follow your instincts without thinking when intimate with your husband. The problem usually comes when you try to rationalise your feelings.  Believe me when I say nature is still the best teacher. It enables a couple to transform sex to love making.

Relying on nature’s learning aid and canvas, touch and skin, the fingers can practically set the skin on fire. Once he begins to touch you allow all your erotic desires from the time you began to notice your body flow into the action. This is why babies tune in to the parent that cuddles them the most. Therefore to get him to understand you better, use more of your hands to do the talking rather than your mouth, the sense of touch is so powerful that it can convey in full measure all those things you are afraid to tell him about yourself and desires.

It is after you have taught him how you want to be handled, given him the opportunity of shaping you to fit into his fantasy that you can confidently talk to him about his initial attitude.

Good sex engineers confidence, friendship, as well as a special kind of bond between a husband and his wife. It enables a couple to share secrets they might never have shared had the right atmosphere not been created by lovemaking.

Good luck.

My Supposed Admirer Snubbed Me

Dear Agatha,

I’m a very ardent reader of your articles. You have been highly blessed with a gift that is so rare and I thank God for that.

I need your candid thoughts and advice on something I did nearly two years ago that has constantly bothered me thereafter.

It actually began about four years ago when a guy in my church started to show interest in me. He would constantly stare at me and give me those puppy dog looks. He would completely forget himself whenever I share a space with him. It got so bad that he followed me around. Whenever it was time to share the grace in fellowship, he would make sure he came over to hold my hands and sometimes his hands would even tremble. I was 19 years old then, and had never been in any relationship. He was 22 years old.

At first, I knew that he liked me but I desperately tried to avoid him for the following reasons: Every girl practically threw herself at him because apart from being young, he also has a rich family. Furthermore, he was shy.

Back then, I too was extremely shy. I suffered from self-extreme and really didn’t feel like I deserved his love.

Besides, I knew about three other girls in the church he had dated, most of them very rich and come from influential families. He also had a reputation for staring at girls’ back then. 

Along the line, I found that I had fallen desperately in love with him; so, I decided to be more opened to him with the intention that we would get to talk about what was happening. I tried being friendly with him but he was so shy and would rather stare at me than talk to me. It was really a painful period in my life.

Anyway, all this went on for nearly two years until one day, just before my 21st birthday, something in me just snapped and I decided I was going to talk to him about it. I told myself that I was ready for whatever was going to happen. I just needed direction for my life at that time and needed to know where I was headed with him.

To cut a long story short, I went over to his office and asked him his plans for me. To my utter horror and disappointment, he looked at me in the eyes and told me that I was assuming too much into the relationship and that contrary to the impression I had of him that he was always starring at me, he never did and that he liked looking into the skies. I suspected that he may not want to tell the truth, but I never expected him to lie. After that day, he made sure he was more in controlled of the movement of his eyes. From that point I never caught him again looking at me. He also made a point afterwards of bringing a different woman to church every Sunday.

I was very hurt and bitter at the beginning. 

Since then, I haven’t fallen so hard for any man. I have honestly learned also to avoid him like a plague.

The question I want to ask you which has hunted me since that day is, did I make a right decision by going to ask him? The truth is that if I hadn’t asked, I would never have known the truth. But all my friends think I acted out of order and too forward. Please, what do you think about this and can I forgive him completely? How can I move on and pick up the pieces of my life again and fall in love?

Insomnia.

Dear Insomnia, 

There is no going through life without occasional falls, disappointments, mistakes and forgiveness. 

The issue here goes beyond whether you made a mistake with him or not. What counts now is the lesson you were supposed to have learnt from that episode. The lesson goes beyond now to the later part of your life. 

As a woman, you should be more astute, introspective and sure before jumping into a relationship. You don’t go into a relationship on account of what you think the man has in mind but what you are sure he has in mind. When you both started dating, what plans were in place? What did he tell you he wanted from you? What did you both agree on that you were going to do with the relationship?

What was the two years you spent in the relationship all about? Obviously you went into a relationship without first discussing the essence of or plans for it. 

Had you done that from the beginning you would have known his reasons for wanting you or the simple fact of who or what he was always starring at. You got a little bit carried away by the heady feelings of feminine importance that develops in a woman when she is the object of a man’s persistent interest. 

This is one lesson you must keep for the rest of your life: demand for a clear definition of what any man who indicates interest in you wants from you. Granted that relationships come from the heart, it helps to know what one is really up against to make the union less stressful and become more manageable. Had you known from the beginning what his plans were for you, going to ask him when you did wouldn’t have been necessary at all. The question wouldn’t have been his plans for you but assurances to know if you both were still on the same page.

As for your asking him, there is nothing bad in what you did. Better late than never! At least, if for nothing, it helped to bring you back to reality. 

As for this man, let go of his memories. Forgive him because that is the only way you can also have peace in your life and go into another relationship with a free mind and clear focus. 

You can’t totally blame him for your own mistakes too. If there is anyone who is to blame, you are the one; you didn’t price yourself well in the first place. Men would come to ask for your heart for different reasons - they are primarily hunters. 

As the gatekeeper of your heart and body, it behooves you to be sure of what they want before going into it. That you didn’t bother to ask isn’t his fault; so count your losses and move on with your life. 

Moving on means accepting that you have the major fault. This way, it would be easier to put the whole experience behind you and look at life with more maturity and better understanding of all its angles.

Also, it is important you have a clear outline of what you want in a relationship, your life and marriage. Doing so would help you identify the kind of man that will help you achieve it. It is also imperative you have a clear vision of the kind of foundation you want to lay in the relationship. 

The kind of foundation you want would determine how well the relationship progresses. If sex is what is more important to you than who the man is, the kind of life he can offer you, that is what you will get. Relationship is more of what we invest in it.

Good luck. 

Can I Be Secret Husband

Dear Agatha,

I met a lady who is older than me by two years, on Africhat. She resides in Uganda and wants me to be her secret husband. I agreed to the proposal only to discover she lied about being single. I found out that not only is she married but also has a three-year-old son. 

Agatha, should I continue with her or not? She promised me many things including coming to Nigeria. 

Confused Boy.

Bn 

Dear Confused Boy, 

Do you really need me to tell you to discontinue whatever it is you have going on with this woman? Shouldn’t you take to your heels on discovering that the woman you agreed to be a secret husband to, is married? How would you feel if you discover your wife is married to another man secretly? Besides, why would you agree to be the husband of a woman you don’t know and a secret one at that? For all I know, she might be a criminal on the run and looking for a legal means to run away from her country.

It would have been a different case if you didn’t find out that she has a husband and child. What do you hope to achieve by staying with a woman who feels no qualms betraying the man she is married to? What makes you think such a woman is capable of being faithful to anyone, least of all, one she doesn’t even know?

Don’t on account of greed continue in something that defies all moral, religious and social order. 

She has a right to come to Nigeria but, make it clear to her that you aren’t interested in her or whatever promised she made to you. 

In future, be careful who you allow into your space. As a man you should learn to work and not base your future on what you can get from anybody. Life is more of what we make of it than what anyone gives to us. 

From the tone of your letter, your concern seems to come from the fear of you losing the promises she made to you and not the fact that you are secretly married to another man’s wife. 

There must be more to life than materialism. Your sense of value must never be compromised for money or any of the material things in life. These would come and go but what makes all the difference in the world is who we really are. 

Rise above personal interests and tell this woman what you think of her act. You maybe the guardian angel sent to her by God to help her realise her mistakes. Handled maturely, you could end up being the most important person in her life without having to jeopardise your future and chance of a happy marriage. There is nothing that goes up that doesn’t come around.

Make her realise that even if she is having problems with her husband and marriage, marrying another man isn’t a panacea but a huge complexity that would affect the way every other person including her son views her later in life. Nothing in life happens by accident; the thing is for us to know what we are supposed to do or say when we find ourselves in inexplicable situations. 

Good luck.

My Adamant Online Lover Wants To Come Back

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for all these years that you have personally taken upon yourself the problems of others.   I am a naturalised American citizen with Nigerian roots. I am writing you this letter because of a lady I met online in April 2004.  We communicated by phone and through the Internet for some months and during this period, we discussed many issues. One of the issues discussed was building a well-founded relationship that may culminate in marriage. Honestly speaking, I wanted to share the rest of my life with her.

On or about October 2005, I came to Nigeria for my yearly visit and met her in person.  Although she is not from my tribe, we got to like each other very much because tribe is not important to me as an individual that is almost an outsider to Nigeria for over two decades; tribalism would be the last thing that will come to my mind when looking for a woman that I will share my body and soul with.  She was a nice looking girl and a student of one of the second generation universities in the South South. I hold a doctor of law degree from an American University and I practice law in New York.   The age difference was not an issue because she told me it was accepted in Nigeria.  We dated from that period until something happened in October 2009. 

During my visit to Nigeria in 2007, I noticed some changes in her behaviour and when I asked what the matter was, she said her landlady was evicting her from her apartment for non-renewal of her lease.  I gave her the money to renew her lease for the year.  I thought that problem was solved and that she would be more accommodating but she was still not happy and no other reason was postulated for that. And when I asked her whether she was seeing someone else, she answered in the negative. I pressed her hard to let me know if she was involved in a relationship with someone else, and that I should be given a reasonably notice so that I can move on with my life.  Throughout the period of our relationship, I supported her financially from New York through the Western Union.

On July 17. 2009, I was informed of the death of my aged father. Immediately I knew of the burial dates, I informed this girl that I would be coming to Nigeria and that her presence would be gladly appreciated. We settled for the transportation money that would take her from her South South place of abode to the Lagos Airport to await my arrival on a certain date.  When I arrived Lagos, this girl was nowhere to be found and when I attempted calling her phone number on several occasions, the phone was not reachable.  I tried again several times when I arrived Benin City but to no avail.   Finally, she answered my phone after my father’s burial ceremony was over.  When I asked her why she did not meet me in Lagos as we agreed, there was no reasonable response given.  I thereafter invited her to Benin to meet with me.  She neither refused nor accepted my invitation.  Throughout my stay in Benin, which lasted 30 days, she did not come.  

However, when I arrived New York, this girl who barely spoke to me on the phone while I was in Benin has been calling me non-stop, sending non-stop texts but I equally refused to answer her phone calls or return her text messages.  From one of her text messages, she said she wanted to tell me her own side of the story.  I vehemently refused to hear any story from her because I knew that this so-called relationship is over.

My worry is on whether I was too hash for refusing to pick her phone calls to hear her own story or respond to her numerous text messages.  I would appreciate your candid response to my predicament.

Anxious Yankee.

Dear Anxious Yankee, 

Two wrongs never make things right. Granted you have every reason to be angry and suspect her of insincerity, all the same, give her a chance to say what she has to say. You have all the rights in the world to accept her reasons or not, but it is always better for posterity sake to give every relationship the chance to either revive or terminate itself naturally. 

This way, regrets and all the many ifs that follow get buried with the relationship. Doubtless, she has given you enough grounds to doubt her love for you, and made you wonder about the possibility of another relationship. But hearing her excuse would give you the same opportunity to ask pertinent question of your own and perhaps consider taking some of the steps you should have taken long ago. 

One thing you must never lose sight of is the concomitant problems your staying millions of miles apart are causing between the two of you. First is the cloud of doubts in her mind as each day passes by. As a woman, time is of essence. She cannot afford the luxury of the time a man has. Mother Nature has put her under a time limit. Each season of her life is defined by nature. A by-gone season is always difficult to challenge in another season. She is in the season to make some important decisions that will affect the course of her life. Failure to do so now may see her wasting away on the spinster shelf. 

At her age, only a few women can peg all their hopes on yearly visits. Being in Nigeria with her family and friends, even if she intends spending all her life with you, the fact that nothing concrete seems to be happening from your end would make all the pressures on her from these circle of people most difficult to oppose. 

Sincerely, if you haven’t done anything to concretise your desire to spend the rest of your life with her by way of meeting her parents and she meeting yours and both families coming together to discuss the future of both of you, whatever you and her may have discussed is still promissory, an agreement that may not work in her favor at the end of the day.

Being generous with money on her is not enough; money cannot give her warmth or fill the void your presence has created in her life. Money can only guarantee material comfort. As a young lady, a time would come when no amount of money you give her would be enough incentive to keep hoping on your agreement. 

The time has come for you to make up your mind about what you really want and take the bold step towards its actualisation. 

If you want this girl, despite what her offences are, talk to her and clear all doubts in her mind. Five years is a long time for you especially to be desperate to have your wife come to live with you. Your refusal to be desperate in wanting her to come over, may make her think there is another woman living with you. While there is still no concrete evidence that she is cheating on you, if she is doing it, this may be another factor. 

Put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine how she is feeling: her fears that she might be disappointed at the end of the day. Certainly her steps and decisions are condemnable but you have to listen to her to understand where she is coming from. 

If at the end of the day, her reasons make sense to you and you can find it in your heart to forgive, do so and immediately take the important step to have her come over to you. 

It is only an unwise person that leaves the best of his flock in an unprotected open field. To do that, is an open invitation to the wolves to have an unhindered feast. 

If she means anything to you and you love her as you said, move away from promises to fulfilling the promises. 

It is the way to get her back to you, weaken whatever relationship she is into or resolve pressures around her. 

One more thing, reading through your letter gives the impression that you favour technicalities. Relationship is about spontaneity. It is something you feel, not reason. Notices are not given to fall in love. Asking her to give you a notice when she wants to quit isn’t the right approach or attitude of someone who is in love. This too may have sent some wrong signals into her. A man in love would do anything to keep the woman in his life by his side.

Above all, seek the assistance of God because he only has all the wisdom.

Good luck. 

I’m In Love With A Married Evangelist

Dear Agatha,

Do please help me as you have been helping others. I am a girl of 25 years, in love with a man I met when I was 19 years, barely three months after his wedding. 

He is an evangelist. We started out as platonic friends but before we knew it we had become lovers as we are deeply in love with each other. I left the country two years ago thinking whatever we had was over. I moved on with my life, got involved in church activities until he resurfaced again, telling me he had tried through all the people close to me to get my contact.

Some of the people he actually asked confirmed this. 

It has been 10 months since we reconnected and have been communicating. We spend almost four hours everyday on the phone talking. 

I know you might think I have lost it if at 25 years of age, I find no other man appealing except this man that is married. Agatha, he happens to be my first love and I intend making him my last since I plan to remain single. To go out with another man would be a tragedy.  I am very ambitious and by January I would be in America for my Masters in Medical Laboratory and Medicine.

I have this faith that I am going to make it in life and would therefore not need any man in my life.

According to this guy, he doesn’t want to be selfish by telling me not to marry but that we would still be lovers till we grow old. I know he loves me. The only problem is that he is married with children and he professes to be a Christian. We can’t marry. Both of us have tried severally in the past to let go but it is just so difficult. I am planning to remain single and have a baby for him even if we are not together. I can’t love again! What do I do? I think I already know your answer but this love affair wasn’t intentional for the both of us. I used to be a good Christian with good morals. Any action I take now will break my parents’ hearts because they have always held me in high esteem.

Angel.

Dear Angel,

What made you change from being a good Christian to one who is not only having an affair with a married man but one who is a servant of God? Why would you want to break another woman’s home by having a child for her husband?

Whatever made you derail isn’t the fault of the woman who you are denying her husband, the man whose children can’t get to see their father when they want because you have him when they want him to play with, talk to and spend quality time with. 

How would you feel if you were in that woman’s shoes - being denied of your husband by another woman? It isn’t fair, especially as this man is supposed to be an evangelist, a servant of God who is supposed to show the light for others to follow? The effect of your affair with him isn’t affecting his home only but it is also destroying his callings and the ministry entrusted to him by God. You might get away with hurting the wife but how do you apologise to God for destroying the ministry he entrusted to this man?

Would you be able to withstand the wrath of God at the end of it all? Tolerate the shame of your parents finding out about your dating a married man who is an evangelist. 

Sincerely, you have every right to do whatever you want but don’t anchor your decision on the reason that you can’t love another man because of this man. Don’t forget he has his life to live and he is doing so with his wife and children. Having a child for him would not make any difference to him at all. A man who isn’t faithful to God can’t be trusted to be faithful to any person. 

A time would come in your carefully planned lifestyle when you will want more than those occasional visits; when you will need more of him, especially in those cold and lonely nights when the child is running temperature and needs the assuring presence of his father. 

What do you plan to do when your feminine thirst for him overrides every other thing? Break into his time with his family to get him to do your bidding?

Be real. You may be bright and smart, but what you have said doesn’t make sense since this is not just about what you want and what is practicable. This man isn’t free to marry you or have a baby from another woman. You are being selfish to want things your own way.

Even, if he isn’t sensible enough to apply the breaks, do it for him if you really love him. When you go for your Masters programme, do him a big favour by not contacting him. It will help you to forget him and get real about your priorities in life. You aren’t interested in another man because you have made yourself addicted to this man. 

Once you are able to bury your feelings for him, you will be surprised at what you are capable of feeling for another man. 

Learn to pray and ask God for forgiveness so he can help you overcome this dangerous game of infatuation.

Good luck.

She Withdrew Huge Amount From My Account

Dear Agatha,

I have a big problem with my fiancé. As a matter of fact I have tried all the tricks I know to make her see reasons, but she has remained adamant. I once wrote to you on a problem which I needed urgent advice on. I requested you reply through my email address, but till date I haven’t got a reply to that problem.

This incident happened recently. Two months ago I gave my woman a blank cheque since she stays far away from me. She is a student in one of the higher institutions of learning in one of the north central states and I reside in the North East. I am always on the move from one place to the other. I gave her the cheque so that when I am not within reach and she needs money urgently, she can phone me and we would agree on how much she should cash from the bank.

But to my greatest surprise when I went to the bank to deposit some amount of money and to confirm my balance, I noticed my balance did not correspond with what I thought I had in my account, and I was told somebody cashed some amount of money from my account. I confirmed who it was, and they gave me the name of the person, who turned out to be my woman.

When I called her to know why she went to the bank without informing me, she said she did it because I refused to give her a certain amount she asked for. I was shocked by her act and asked if I had ever refused her anything? She replied in the negative. Angrily I gave her an ultimatum to return the money to the bank or end the relationship.

Agatha, my fear now is, what happens after we get married and I either cannot give her the money or deny her of a request for some reasons or the other? Would she not go into prostitution or go about begging people? And what happens if she does something and I raise any eyebrows at her conduct would she not give me the same reason she gave me for withdrawing money from my account without telling me?

Agatha, this is a desperate call from a disturbed heart, please tell me what to do as soon as possible.

DOD.

Dear DOD,

I would start by apologising for not treating your first letter. The reason could be the request that I send the reply through your email. I try to discourage the practice since it is inimical to the objective of this page. All the same, I am sorry. You have every right to be apprehensive and disappointed at the conduct of your girlfriend. Doubtless, she betrayed your trust and love. What she did falls short of a decent behaviour. 

The ideal thing would have been to wait or call you to explain the urgency attached to the money she requested for. To have gone to the bank to cash the money without telling you and allowing you to find out the way you did is not too tidy and certainly does not speak well of her.

She certainly betrayed the trust you have in her by giving her a blank cheque. Not many men would do what you did for her, not even for their wives. 

I understand your disappointment and apprehension for the future. A lot of men would have terminated the relationship there and then. That you still gave her an option to return the money shows that she affects you positively in other ways. It also shows a man who is in love and responsible.

Since mistakes are fundamental and integral part of our learning processes, sit her down to explain your disappointment and how she has through her conduct cast doubts on her integrity and your planned future together. Be bold enough to tell her that it would be difficult for you to ever trust her with money or related matters again. That if in two months of entrusting her with your bank account, she did what she did, what would happen if you had travelled out of the country and given her same concession.

If you still desire a future with her, be brutally frank and open with her. Don’t try to pretend all is well when in actual fact you are more than hurt and pained at her conduct. It is important you trash this issue out before moving from this point because if you allow any remnant of it to linger in the relationship, it would grow to become a monster that would destroy whatever it is that you both are planning for the future.

To totally condemn her based on this one mistake may also not be right, no matter how despicable her behaviour is, if God gives us opportunities to reform and change when we fall short of His glory and expectations, it follows that we should demonstrate the same magnanimity towards our fellow human beings. Nobody can claim to be perfect. Besides, building a perfect relationship does not happen over night.

To convince yourself she is not after your money, withdraw the privilege for now and don’t honour all financial demands for now. If you feel her demands are genuine, ask her to open an account where you can transfer money to her from your bank. Her conduct there after should give you a good idea of your place in her life and tell you whether to continue with her or not.

Most importantly, commit your relationship to God through prayers. If she is yours, you both would overcome this but if she isn’t, God would in His mercy bring your way a woman who would make you happy.

Good luck.

I’ll Soon Leave My Wife And Children

Dear Agatha,

I just want to say you are really doing a great job through your words of wisdom.

Please, I need your advice on what to do about the situation in my home. I have been married for about eight years now. I am in my mid 30s while my wife is in her early 30s.

Unfortunately, my wife still behaves as if she doesn’t know the responsibilities that come with being married. Her idea of being married is to issue frequent queries to me, get into unnecessary arguments with me or nag me at every opportunity. Whenever she does any form of housework, she becomes combative. Even though I am always at a loss as to why she picks up a fight whenever she does the housework, to avoid problems I assist her tend to the children, keep the house clean and all the other housework but sadly nothing pleases her. She nags and complains.

Agatha, many a time, I have felt like running away from my home and marriage which is blessed with two wonderful children who are seven and four years.

Please, what can I do because I am almost at the end of my sanity and would soon erupt if the situation persists in my home? At this stage, I really don’t care what becomes of the marriage any more.

Ernest.

Dear Ernest,

I understand the emotional trauma of having a bad home but that is not enough reason for you to want to pack up your marriage. Show me a marriage that is 100 per cent free of stress and I would show you a liar. There is no marriage without its fair share of problems and compromises. A lot of those marriages we think are perfect have gone through very tough baptism of fire. Divorce is not always the first option or solution to matrimonial problems rather it compounds the problem, which keeps expanding as the children get older and wiser.

What you think is a problem may after all not be as difficult as it appears. Just concentrate on those grey areas and also learn to be a little bit firm. Household chores fall under the portfolio of the woman of the house. It is her duties to keep her home clean, care for the children and you. It isn’t your duty. Yours is to ensure the bills are paid as and when due, be the shoulder for all of them to lean on in good times and in bad times, spend time with the family and give them all the love they need.

Helping her with the housework is because you want to, not because you have to. It is an abnormality for the woman of the house to sit down and watch her man do the house chores. It is wrong.

Sit her down and explain all these to her without getting angry. This is no time to be bossy or to show unnecessary anger. Compromises can only work if the two people in a marriage are willing to invest in it. Where only one person makes all the effort, the union becomes endangered because the party would get tired. Granted, her behaviour leaves much to be desired. You are also not being fair to your marriage and yourself by doing all those things simply because your wife nags. By so doing, you are denying her of the chance to be responsible, allowing her to set the wrong values for your children.

And one of the dangers of such actions is what you are feeling now. You have boxed yourself into a very precarious situation, you feel like packing it up because you can no longer continue with the pattern you have established in your home. If the truth must be told, you encouraged the behaviour of your wife.

To get out of it, call her for a serious re-evaluation of the situation in your home. Be very honest about your feelings as this is no time to pretend you are happy with the situation when in actual fact you feel like putting as much distance between the two of you as possible. Start by explaining to her what you expect of her as a wife and mother and what is expected of you as a husband and father. Continue by sharing your innermost feelings and fears with her. Don’t hold anything back from her.

Doubtless, the part about you wanting to runaway from home would shock her into reality. No sane woman takes pride in a broken home. There are underlying factors influencing her mode of behaviour. The dialogue would help you find out and address them permanently.

Don’t also forget to invite God into your home. Even though you are the physical head, He is the spiritual head of the family so take your marriage to the only one that has the powers to make perfect imperfect situations.

Good luck.