I Want To Marry My Late Wife’s Best Friend

Dear Agatha,

I am in a fix and don’t know how to handle the situation. My wife died two years after our marriage. She actually died during childbirth leaving me with the responsibility of caring for a little baby. Being an orphan, I didn’t have anyone to turn to on my side. My late wife was my best friend and I loved her so much. I would have gladly given her family the freedom to care for the baby, but not with them accusing me of killing their daughter. It was a very traumatic period for me and I would have completely lost it if not for her best friend and chief bride’s maid, who stepped in to help me with the baby. 

Since she runs her own business, it was easier for her to take time off. She devoted herself completely to the care of the baby, sometimes taking her away for the whole week, especially when she has to travel for her business. 

Her devotion to the baby gave me the much needed respite to concentrate on my job. 

About nine months after my wife died, I noticed she was as happy as she once was. It was through another friend of theirs I got the information that her boyfriend walked out on her because of her attachment to the baby. He said the baby was coming between them. 

When I asked her if the information I got was true, she initially denied but later confirmed it. She said she didn’t tell me to prevent me from feeling bad. 

Feeling very bad, I decided to get someone to help me with the baby. But that turned out to be a big mistake because not only did the baby reject the paid help from the very day they met, I later discovered she was after me and had no real interest in the baby. I had to go back to my wife’s friend when the baby became really sick. Immediately she carried the baby, she became calm and refused to allow even me to carry her. 

It has been more than a year since my wife died and I am hopelessly in love with her best friend. I have tried everything I know how to do to get her off my mind but nothing is working. 

She is one of the most wonderful persons I have ever met. I want to marry her but is so afraid of how to go about it, especially as she and my late wife were very good friends. 

What would people say? Would they not, like my late wife’s relatives, think we both killed my wife so she can come in? Even though my best friend who is the only one who knows how I really feel thinks I couldn’t have made a better choice, I am scared of losing her if it turns out she doesn’t feel anything for me. I am so used to having her around me that I sometime pretend we are a married couple already.  

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

There are three clear issues here for which you must provide an answer with all honesty. Did you kill your wife? Were you in any way instrumental to what finally took her life? Do you love this other lady unconditionally? Are you in love with her out of a sense of gratitude for helping you with the baby or because you feel something very deep for her? What are you really scared of? Do you feel guilty at the death of your wife or falling in love with her best friend? 

If you are very sure you are really blameless in the death of your wife, ignore what people are saying or what they would say. Whether you do the right thing or not, people will always talk. It is the way the world is made. Life isn’t meant to be fair or clearly defined. Our clarity and fairness is anchored in God who knows and sees all things from beginning to finish. 

What you should really do is to take time off work and go away for a while, to a place where you cannot be reached for you to really think about everything that has happened to you in the last two years. If you can cope alone with the baby, you could both go. As a matter of fact, it would be very ideal because it would help take your mind away from calling her to know how the baby is. 

Being alone with your child will give you first hand information on how you plan to cope without a woman helping you with your responsibility. The holiday would afford you the isolation to congregate your thoughts and fit them into the right box. You must have a clear understanding of what you feel for this woman before presenting her with your feelings. This is very important; you don’t make the mistake of substituting gratitude for love. 

It is also important you make peace with the memory of your past if you desire to be happy in the future. There is nothing that destroys a relationship like the guilty memories of a past relationship. Think of what your wife would have wanted for you: remaining single or having someone who loves you and cares for the baby in your life?

If your wife were truly your best friend, she would understand that you cannot live life alone. That, being a grown up man, you need companionship and that her child needs a mother. What better person can she trust the two people who mattered most to her while alive than her best friend? You know her better than most people and can tell what she would have wanted you to do under the circumstances. Once you are able to get over the guilt of you being alive while she died giving birth to your child, it would be a lot easier for you to forge ahead with whatever decision you come to. 

The dead is gone, cannot come back to you, no matter how much you wish it possible. Her life with you belongs to yesterday. Sad as it may sound, the present and future are another new chapter entirely. She will always get a mention in your life but being dead has ended your pact with her. 

If this woman has all that you desire in a woman, don’t hesitate to make clear your intentions to her as soon as you make up your mind. The danger of delay is that someone else may come for her and she may out of frustration accept even if her heart is with you. 

It would have been a completely different case if your wife was still alive and you were having these feelings for her best friend. You are developing these feelings for this woman because you just have to fall in love again. It could have been another woman but your heart decided on her. Don’t be confused or bother your head at what people would say. It is your life, your happiness that matters at the end of the day. 

Don’t give people the right to dictate what you should do or how to manage your life. They don’t have your experience, dream and cannot imagine the things you have been through since your wife died. To allow them dictate how you progress henceforth is to give people power they don’t have over you. Make your dream a reality by telling her what you feel. Even if she refuses you at the end of the day, you will rest easy knowing that you tried your best. 

However, go to God first. It is important He takes charge of everything.

Good luck.

She Lied About Her Age

Dear Agatha,

I am always impressed with the way you answer questions on love and relationships. I am also an ardent reader of your column. I would like to share my own problem with you for a very sincere answer too.

I am a 35-year-old man who is in love with a woman I met two years ago. Being unemployed, I asked her to give me her Curricular Vitae (CV).

Going through the CV, I discovered that she put her date of birth as January 18, 1975. But on close examination, I discovered she is actually 34 years since one can calculate the approximate age of someone from the year he finished primary school. From that discovery, it was obvious she lied about her age to me. I love her very much, but Agatha, why would she lie to me about her age? This discovery is making me very apprehensive of the future. At 34, she is just a year my junior. Would she not experience complications during pregnancy and at labour? If she could lie about her age, I think she also might have lied about other things. Though she denied having a relationship at the moment, how can I be sure? Because of her, plus the arrogance and unfaithfulness of my former girlfriend I sent the latter away only to discover that she too is less than truthful to me. 

I detest lies so much. It is painful because I expect her to be honest with me. Although I promised to marry her, I am now concerned that she lied about her age. My feelings for her now are not as strong as they were. To be honest, this discovery has left me in a quandary. What do I do now? Please advise me.

Owodife

Dear Owodife,

Although not many people, especially men would understand and appreciate your reactions to what many men now think is normal with women, I can. It is wrong for persons in a relationship to keep secrets especially one that is as important as age. Even if she lies to everybody about her true age, she should at least trust you with her actual birth date.

I am sure if she told you the truth, it wouldn’t have changed anything unless of course you are naturally adverse to older women or that your feelings for her were never deep enough to overcome problems that come along in the relationship. If you love her, sit her down and open up to her. Explain your disappointment at her behaviour and how it is affecting your affections for her. It is best she knows the extent her lies have affected you. 

It would teach her to be very honest about herself and other things in future. There is no perfect human being. Only God is perfect and since in his perfection, he still finds us worthy of his love and care, who are we sinners to condemn one another?

Both of you should give yourself a fresh start by opening up to each other. I am sure, you also have certain things about your life you have not told her or think unimportant for her to know. If you are really honest with yourself, you would discover that to some extent, you have also withheld certain information from her. Unless she is a pathological liar, this incident would teach her to be truthful.

On the issue of her not being able to conceive and give birth without complications, my doctor friend said modern science has made it possible for women who are even older than her to have stress-free pregnancy. He explained that most times, the composition of the individual woman rather than her age is the problem. Some older women who are very healthy have easier pregnancy and labour than younger women who aren’t as strong. A lot depends on the health of the woman.

Granted that some doctors worry over older women getting pregnant, at 35, she is not yet in the high-risk zone.

Importantly, commit the relationship to God. He only has the answers to our life problems.

Good luck.

How Do I Control Early Ejaculation?

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious problem with my fiancée. She complains about my quick ejaculation before climax which had been my problem since a long time. Once I suck a woman’s breast, I begin to experience ejaculation. I want you to help me by giving me clues on how to salvage the situation before it gets out of hand. 

Kelly.

Dear Kelly, 

Lovemaking is a two-way traffic. Trying to go solo often results in disappointment. What you should do is to sit your girlfriend down and explain your kind of problems to her. If she knows that you come to early ejaculation when you fondle her nipples, she might not insist on it. 

Discussing it with her would afford both of you the opportunity of exploring other methods of romance that will leave out her breasts until you are ready to climax. This is because, for some women, the nipples are the most erotic zones. If she falls within this category of women, you must both find another erotic zone in her body to do what the nipples do for her. If you fail to carry her along, she too would feel dissatisfied by your performance.

To marry your deficiency with her desire, you must trust, be willing to make the necessary sacrifice, have the clear knowledge of what your time together means to the other person as well as where you are both headed.

Lovemaking itself is a strong means of communication and if the wrong message is transmitted it could lead to a complete let down of all other feelings attached to it. 

Once she is ready to partner with you, the problem would be half-solved.

Good luck.

Drugs For Breast Enhancement

Dear Agatha,

I love and appreciate the way you treat people’s problems.

Please, I would want you to help me over the following problems: Is there any drug for breast enlargement?

People say that there are some herbal drugs that can be used to increase the size of the breast.

Please I want you to recommend any drug for the enlargement of breasts without going under the surgeon’s knife.

Another question is: can the drug I take prevent me from adding weight? Please treat this as urgent.

Blessing.

Dear Blessing,

I am told there are herbal drugs that can help enlarge the breasts without going under the surgeon’s knife.

It is best you consult a qualified herbal practitioner for further information because you have to undergo several tests and observation to confirm the suitability or otherwise of some of these drugs before taking them.

Don’t make the mistake a lot of people make by taking drugs without prescription or supervision.

There are quite a handful of qualified herbal clinics and practitioners in the country. It is also in your interest to investigate the quality and qualifications of the owners of the clinic before patronising them because of the prevalence of quacks in the practice. 

Sensible eating would ensure you keep your weight at a manageable level. Get into the habit of eating fresh fruits and vegetables everyday. If you are in the habit of eating junk food, desist. 

When hungry, snack only on fruits would do; and always drink plenty of water. Pureeing fruits like watermelon, tomatoes, pineapple into juice is excellent and healthy as replacement for soft drinks, canned or packed fruit juices which often time are made from artificial flavours and colourings.

Also look for a form of exercise you can fit conveniently into your schedule. 

It could be walking, jogging or swimming. Learn too to drink plenty of water.

Good luck.

I’m Addicted To Older Ladies

Dear Agatha, 

I thank God for the understanding he gave which you have been using to help people through their various problems. Since I became
an adult, I have found it very difficult dating girls of my age; rather, I get lots of satisfaction from women who are old enough to be my aunties. Sometimes, I feel ashamed of myself. Please help, as I do not like the way I live my life.

Worried Boy.

Dear Worried Boy, 

To get a better understanding of where the problem is coming from, it is important you visit your past because that is where the solution is. 

Were you deflowered as a man by an older woman who probably is your aunty or your mother’s friend? If yes, how often did she do it with you and how well did you enjoy the experience? 

More often than not, the way we came into adulthood and the person who brought it about remain indelible in our minds. If as a young boy, your early experiences were with women older than you and with better experiences on matters like this, it would be difficult for any young lady to make you happy. 

This is because the older women often times, are the ones who ask for it, make themselves available to you, engage you in conversations and bribe your heart as well as your body - things that a younger lady may not have the time and experience to do. This could be one of the reasons you are finding it difficult to approach younger girls. 

Changing a set habit is one of the most difficult tasks in the world. If you are addicted to older women, it will take a very strong determination as well as drastic change in your current lifestyle and company to achieve. 

First, you must have a clear idea of what you want from life and the kind of woman that would help you to achieve it. Without such a clear vision of what you want, you will continue to find yourself unable to talk to younger women - due to fear of being able to take on responsibilities. 

As a young man, make up your mind on what is important to you in life - your future or the pleasure of today? At the end of the day, it is what you want to make of your life that matters. 

Having made up your mind about what you want, the rest is easy. All you have to do is to sit down and plan the kind of woman who can give you the kind of support you need in life. In doing this, you must learn to look beyond the appearance of a woman to who she really is inside. 

If you learn to focus on the right things, like her temperament, values, dreams, disposition towards you, her willingness to offer the right kind of support and the understanding you need to make the difference, her selflessness to you, finding what to talk about with her won’t be such a difficult thing. 

You are unable to talk to a younger lady because you haven’t sat down to marshal your own plans for yourself. It is only when you know where you are going that you can beckon someone to follow you on the journey. 

A plan makes it easy for you to answer her questions and ask some very probing questions too with a clear insight to the kind of answers you expect from her. Many a time, couples end up with very wrong perceptions of what they want or that could work for them based on their inability to clearly define the kind of future they want while still dating. 

With knowledge comes confidence to surmount any difficulties. Once you are very sure of yourself and believe in your persons and dreams, there is no woman you cannot talk to.

No matter how tough looking or talking a woman is, she will at some point capitulate.

Good luck. 

Re: Aftermath Of Jos Crisis

Funmi, I believed your conscience convicted you that you were doing 419 a business with some people in writing a story that the Jos crisis claimed the life of your mother. I think that explained why you cut off our phone conversation around 8 p.m. on Tuesday, May 18, and refused to pick the calls again.
This act of 419 makes it difficult to send help to genuine Nigerians who are in need. As you also indicated, the help I rendered to you was purely godly action. The Bible says in Luke12:2 that for there is nothing covered that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. I want to remind you that God knows everything that we human beings do, whether 419 or not.
Therefore, I will advise you for your own good to repent of doing 419 businesses and ask God to forgive you so that you can get help from God if indeed you need his help.
Agatha, I’m sending a copy of this mail to you to let you know how some Nigerians doing 419 businesses makes it difficult for genuine people to get help. The story of Funmi Adebayo, “Pressure to Become Muslim Mounts After Jos Crisis Claimed My Mother” published by you in www.nigeria-world.com in April this year turned out to be a 419 gambit.  
Paul.

Dear Paul, 

Thanks for bringing this to our notice. Incidentally Funmi, called on May 19, with this number, 08027844281 at 2.22 p.m. She told me that you threatened to report the matter following her refusal to come to Lagos to meet with your brother as demanded by you. She confirmed that you gave her N39,000 and that she would struggle to give you back the money to earn her peace back. 

I’m honestly confused. To get to the bottom of this I have sent someone to independently investigate the matter.  

Agatha.

I Want To Leave My Sick Husband

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for creating a person like you. God will continue to increase your wisdom as you are using it to help people. 

The problem I am about to share with you has persisted for a long time. I am in my late 20s. I married very early to a man I did not like at the time I married him. Over the years, I have, however, grown to love him very much. This is because he is everything that every lady desires in a man. Our marriage is 10 years old and we are still awaiting the fruits of the womb. 

But the worst happened in December 2006 when he went down with stoke, leading to the breakdown of mobility over his right hand side. It also affected his voice. 

I have done everything within my power to put him on his feet again but to no avail. To cap it all, he is also diabetic. The doctors say the stroke affected his brain and that only the grace of God can heal him. 

Though, I promised to be with him no matter what, as a human being, I now feel everything is getting too long. Agatha, I’m thinking of leaving him because I have my needs as a woman and I don’t want to be sleeping around while still married to him. My parents think I should leave him just as I am thinking, but I feel I am too young to handle this problem alone. No one has bothered to ask me how I have been coping with his medical bills and house rent for almost four years now. Please, I need your advice on how to leave him without me causing his death as he is depending on me for now.

Again, there is this guy that I was dating before I got married. Everybody around had assumed he would be my husband. But I disappointed him by getting married to my present husband and now we have met again. We met when I travelled home. He is still single. Agatha is it right for us to be together again?  

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

Sincerely, I appreciate your dilemma and the longing inside you. What you feel is normal given the fact that you have been used to intimacy with your husband. 

To have that suddenly taken away from you must have taken a lot from you especially as you see him but can’t have him touch you as he used to. It can be a very trying period for any woman bound by obligations to be faithful and helper to her husband  in his trying moments. 

You are only human to want to quit the marriage and look for emotional solace in the arms of another man. Unfortunately, marriage is for better for worse, in sickness and health, in riches and in poverty until death does you both apart. 

Were it possible for many of us to take a peep into the crystal ball before going on with our plans to marry a particular person, many of us would have backed out of our marriage plans. This is because marriage is like a wrapped gift whose contents become only visible after going into it and which also, like a budding flower, opens up its content bit by bit.

Heartless as this may sound, this man has been more than a husband to you for 10 years, so much so you rated him the best of everything a woman would want in a man. He didn’t ask to be sick or desire to be in the condition he currently is now. Nobody wants to be bed-ridden, completely dependent on another person to perform the most basic of nature’s call. 

He isn’t finding the situation funny too. Do you know what it feels like to him? Simply because he can’t talk doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the longing anymore but he is restricted by his bad health to be the man he used to be to you. Whereas you have the good health to contemplate walking away from it all, he doesn’t have such liberty hence his complete dependence on you.  

If you were in his shoes, how would you feel if the person who shared your best years is unwilling to give the same length of time to share your worst moments? How would you feel if he is the one contemplating replacing you simply because the doctors have ruled your case as being very bad?

Were he the one who met his old friend while you are in that condition and given the same reasons you are now giving to abdicate his responsibilities to you, would you be able to ever forgive him for leaving you when you need him the most?

Nobody ever said life is easy, particularly marriage. Were you contemplating leaving on the grounds of cruelty and abandonment, it would have been a different matter, but to leave a man who has been so good to you on grounds of his health state, falls short of what is expected of a married woman. No matter how and what you feel, you owe this man your presence and support, even if not as a husband and lover but as a friend who shared his bed and life for 10 years or more with you.

Something must have made you stay with him all these while even if you claim you didn’t love him at first. The point is, when you finally got to know him, he became your Mr. Right. 

There is nothing that happens to any person or thing in heaven and on earth that God isn’t aware of; but because our lives are sectioned into seasons and time, he deliberately allows us go through some situations to judge our resilience as well as our ability to stay within our vows to him. Before God and man, you promised to stay faithful to this man and be with him until one of you dies. 

Granted there are some unpalatable situations we find ourselves which sometimes necessitate us to pack it all up. However, to leave this man now is to hasten his death. You have a right to be happy but he has a right over you as his wife.

The essence of a good marriage is the ability for it to endure crisis like yours. What happens if something happens to this other man? Would you leave him on account of it too? Life is always a very funny mix. There are always challenges in any choice we make. 

The difference always lies in our approach to life and issues. He remains your husband because you made the choice to be with him; your marriage vows stressed on sickness and in health. 

Your parents are also being human in asking you to leave because they feel the burden is too much for you to bear all alone. But ask them this question: how would your father feel if his wife abandons him to sickness or your mother if she would leave her husband simply because he is ill? Also, ask them if the case was in the reverse, how they would have felt if he is the one whose parents are pressurising him to leave you?

He remains your husband - whether bed-ridden or not. Much as I appreciate your other concerns to be happy with another man and have children of your own, marriage isn’t a fair-weather commitment. It is an embodiment of the good, the bad and the ugly. Until God says it is over, it isn’t over for either of you. 

Rather than devote your time to thinking or quitting, why not handover the issue to God for his will to be done? There is nothing you can do on your own without the support of God, else you risk another heartache. 

Had you committed your decision to marry to God from the beginning, perhaps things wouldn’t have turned out this way. Trust me, the burden will be a lot easier on if you hand it over to God entirely. Yes, the frustration of caring for him may be taking its toll on you but there is nothing entrusted to God that ever fails. 

He has all the situations we are in, in total control. Always remember this man needs you now more than ever before. Would you abandon a friend in need? It would make the task easier if you see him as a friend and not a husband. 

Good luck.

Can I Marry My Late Fiancée’s Sister?

Dear Agatha, 

I dated my late fiancée for four years before she died. Two years after, her younger sister not only persuaded me to be her boyfriend but she is now asking that we get married. Please advise me.

JFY.

Dear JFY, 

What do you want? The truth is that when it comes to whom to marry, it is a very personal decision. Irrespective of whatever anyone tells you now, the choice remains solely yours. 

The thing is for you to be comfortable with your choice and the situation you find yourself. If you and this lady are comfortable with the choice you are now making, can confront your families with your relationship, persuade  those around you that while your late fiancée was alive, you and her sister didn’t engage in any illicit affair, nothing stops you both from going ahead.

But it is imperative you subject your feelings for her to a powerful microscope to determine what precisely your feelings for her are about. One thing is to be pressured into a relationship; another is to be persuaded into marriage. Your desire to spend the rest of your life with someone must come from the depth of your heart. This is important if you and your partner hope to survive the turbulent waters that marriage is. 

Without a concomitant desire for her from your side, the marriage may not be able to withstand the attendant storm that comes with every marriage. A marriage is as good as the commitment, tolerance, friendship, patience and trust invested in it. If you marry this girl, do you have the kind of feelings that made you stay with her sister for four years? Do you have the determination to overcome unforeseen disappointments in her behaviour and person? This is usually the tricky, cowardly and slippery side of marriage. Many marriages have been known to collapse due to these things. The agreement to combat these vices come from a heart that is sure of what it wants, feels and desires from the other person. 

Would you have the same kind of commitment towards her? Will you be able to tolerate her excesses? Is she your friend? Do you have the same outlook towards life? Marriage goes through all the processes in life - the high, low, slippery, tough, straight and bent turns. All these need more than a passing interest to overcome. 

Therefore, the essence of your self-examination is to ensure you have what it takes to build the determination to constantly take your marriage to the next level.

These are more frightening than what others feel. People may tell you it isn’t right or right for you to date your late girlfriend’s sister. These aren’t always as important as the reasons I have stated. 

After examining the quality of your feelings for her, sit her down and tell her what you feel for her. If you don’t feel like doing her demands, then be truthful to her. You are not under any obligations to date her at all. What you and your late girlfriend shared had nothing to do with her. So, don’t allow yourself be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to.

If, however, you know she would make you a good companion, sit her down to re-evaluate your relationship since it started. You must take control of the relationship from her. Even though she initiated it, once your mind is made up, let her know how you feel and jointly set an agenda for the relationship. 

The danger of allowing her to continue to dominate the relationship is that of losing her after a while. No matter how much she desires you now, a time will come when she would question her sanity at pursuing a man who seems not interested in her. Therefore, to avoid doubts in her mind about your feelings towards her, good wisdom demands you tell her your feelings for her.

When couples leave their feelings to chance, pretend they know what the other person is thinking, it usually destroys what could have been a beautiful relationship. If you have made up your mind to go ahead, go out of your way to woo her, making it clear that you see what she sees in you. Make her happy and not constantly worried if she is doing the right thing going out with the man who dated her late sister. 

However, to be sure you are on the right track, it is best to go before God in prayers to forestall any spiritual corruption that might accompany your decision to go ahead with the relationship especially if the death of your late girlfriend is shrouded in some mystery. 

Good luck.

His Promises Good, But I’m Not Ready

Dear Agatha, 

I am 16 years of age and will be writing my Joint Admission Matriculation Examinations, (JAMB). There is this man asking for my hand in marriage but he is married. He promised to take care of me, fund my education even if I don’t marry him at the end of the day. I don’t want to go into a relationship for now. But it appears I don’t have the right to say no because my mother insists I must accept the offer. I would be grateful if you tell me how to get out of this mess. 

Precious.

Dear Precious, 

You may be 16 but that doesn’t deprive you of the right to decline this man’s  offer irrespective of the position of your mother. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. It isn’t all the time that parents are on the right track. Your mother is certainly wrong to want you not only to marry at 16, but to a man who is married. In Nigeria of today, it is against the law because constitutionally you are still a minor.

This is your life, your future and your everything. Nobody, not even your parents, have the right to persuade you to do something that would injure that future. 

At 16, you should be trying to protect and nurture your future with the right kind of manure not dating a man who is married simply because he says he would sponsor your education. You are not his responsibility and this offer isn’t right. What he is asking for is the right to your body in exchange for money to pay for your education. What you must understand is, this man isn’t under any obligation to you. After having the pleasure of your body, he could if he decides, leave you for another younger lady. The interest of this man is not in you or what becomes of your future. He is only out to take advantage of your youth, suck your innocent juice and throw you away like a sucked orange. 

What happens if you get pregnant? Do you see yourself ending up as second wife to this man who is perhaps old enough to be your father? How would you feel seeing your friends going to school, having the freedom of their youth while you are tied down to premature motherhood and matrimony?

This perhaps is the time to ask your mother what she thinks of you as her child and what plans she has for you as a mother. Reverse the pressure she is putting on you by asking her reasons for conceiving you. Poverty isn’t an excuse for what she is asking you to do. There are a lot of people your family is better off than. A mother determined to negotiate the best for her children, especially her daughters would never condone anything that would tamper with their future. A lot of women have been known to sell their clothes, take on menial jobs to insure the future of their children. 

If your father is unable to offer you the adequate protection you need to avert the emotional disaster your mother is urging you into, look for people who have a lot of influence over her to report the matter to. Urge them to help intervene and make your mother appreciate that your well-being is paramount to you. 

Since it appears that finance is the reason she wants you to marry this man, offer to do some trading for her along the line to bring in the money you would need to pay for your examinations. It might be dirty and some of your friends bound to make fun of you but you will eventually be the one to laugh because against all odds you kept your dignity.

As a young lady, always bear this in mind, that challenges are part of everyday life. There is never a short cut to success despite what those who think they are smart say about their ways. Often than not, the price they end up paying are too high for any human being to pay. Mostly, they end up with more scores of failures, regrets and anguish than if they had waited to take the normal longer but credible route to success. 

Hard work doesn’t kill; only the lazy get killed in their bid to cut corners. From the attitude of your mother, it is obvious if you want an education, you have to get it the hard way. If you are resolute, God will provide you with something to do without you debasing your future or womanhood. 

It’s unfortunate you aren’t in Lagos, but I know that God, who sees everything will send you a helper to see you through this. Whatever happens, don’t be rude to your mother. Just insist you won’t live your life from her perspective. It may take you longer than it would ordinarily have taken you but be sure that God will make way for you to complete that which he has started in your life.

My dear, it shall be well with you.

Good luck.

Dear Readers, 

I spoke with Precious to find out more about her. She lives in Oghara with her mother. She is currently an SSS 1 student of Oghara Secondary School. She intends writing her JAMB next year. If there is any way someone in Oghara who can help find out more about her in this school, it would be easier to know how to channel help to her.

Agatha.

My Wife Is Impossible Because She’s The Breadwinner

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. My marriage of several years is going down the drain. My wife and I are both workers in the church, as well as very respected elders. It won’t be out of place to call us the typical born again. Our parents were very strict Christians of the Apostolic Faith Church. 

Our marriage was good because as a bank manager I could afford to take good care of my family.

My wife didn’t complete her education because we compromised and she got pregnant. Due to the strictness of our church doctrine and to protect the image of our parents, we rushed into marriage without praying about it. Even when our parents were asking questions, we lied about God giving us the approval to marry. The second one came almost immediately after the first child so she couldn’t continue with her school. By the time she indicated interest in going back to school, I felt it wasn’t necessary because the children were still very young. 

Besides, I felt the children were better with their mother around them so insisted on her running her own business. I even helped her along the line to get some contracts from some of my friends. 

I knew she was jealous of some of my female colleagues but since there was nothing to defend I didn’t think much of it.

However, I lost my job during the consolidation period and haven’t been able to get any, forcing me to depend on my savings and money made by my wife from her businesses. 

Since she became the breadwinner, not only has she changed but has abdicated the care of the children and home to me. I now cook, tend to the house, as well as the children while she claims to be busy looking for money for the family. If I protest, she barks and has now become so rude that everybody has noticed including our families. She doesn’t allow my people in the house anymore, insisting as the head of the family she cannot afford to provide for them as well as her children.

Although she graciously bought me a car when my former car broke down and gave me some money when I first lost my job, things are really bad at home. One of her grouses is that I didn’t allow her go back to school. I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to her. Each time I try, she insults me.

I am really fed up with all the insults and humiliation she is subjecting me to. I am thinking of ending the marriage and saving my pride as a man. I have lost my faith and confidence as a man but I am afraid that my children would suffer more if their mother and I decide to go our different ways. I love them too much to subject them to that.

Felix.

Dear Felix,

Many men have impossible women like your wife in their homes but are still married to them because they remembered to hand over the hearts of such women to God.

Without mincing words, women are the more unpredictable of the two genders. As a man, you should be prepared to accommodate these mood swings and sometimes very unreasonable behaviour from your wife.

The fact that you did not properly ask God for His unequivocal approval before rushing into marriage is the genesis of the problem you are currently experiencing. It is indeed a big shame that a Christian family like you painted of yours is having a problem that is as deep as yours and unable to find a common ground.

If you had involved the church, I am sure you both would have found emotional guidance from the leadership of the church. But it isn’t too late to because both of you as workers and elders in the church are role models. From all that you have narrated, the situation has gone beyond you. When a woman begins to insult her husband, not minding who is watching, that man has lost her complete respect and would take a person or institution she respects to get her back to her senses. There is no way the church would allow your marriage bite the dust.

But there is something very wrong here. How come both your families are unable to help resolve the crisis? There is no way they can claim not to know if she tells them all the things you claim she says to them. Why haven’t you gone to report to her family? If you have what is their reaction? Have you really prayed about the issue as a Christian and one who knows God and who has the faith in His powers? I would be the first to admit some marriages are very problematic, defy all solutions but with God, nothing should be beyond Him.

Have you considered the problem may be you? There is the possibility that her inability to go back to school is an issue you didn’t really count on her opinion, took a unilateral decision without putting her feelings, desires, dreams and emotions into consideration. How did you relate to her when you had a job? I am not making excuses for her but something must have induced these dramatic changes in her. From your own admission, she helped you in buying a car, gave you money when you first lost your job.

If she subsequently refused you, then you must have done something to hurt her deeply to warrant this behaviour. It could be your character or attitude that is the problem.

Seek her out and try to get to the root of the problem, if she refuses to open up to you for goodness sake involve the leadership of your church. Before you do that, seek the assistance of God. Beg for forgiveness and ask for His mercies in tackling these problems. If her arrogance is the issue, please commit her heart to God. He can make her be the type of wife you want.

Since marriages are a continuous learning process and readjustments, you can never know it all or get it right from day one. The stage you both went through has prepared you for the next stage. The challenges of this stage would never again be much of a problem to both of you should the situation ever arise again.

Economic problems form the bulk of the challenges facing married couples today. It is a landmine, which needs God-given wisdom to navigate. Nobody, but time has the panacea to it. You both need time to appreciate your worth in each other’s life. Like you rightly observed, the children suffer the more from separations and divorces. Forget your wife’s haughty attitude and go to her. Though you are the head, only the wise stoops to conquer since two wrongs can never make a right. She remains the woman, so rise above her and show her that you remain the leader of your home.

It may be an unpalatable preposition but who cares when your happiness and well being of the children is the concern here? It doesn’t matter any more who is right or wrong rather, what matters, is a peaceful and God fearing home.

With prayers and determination to succeed against all odds, your marriage would someday become the ideal. So create time to speak to your wife because no matter what, she remains your wife till death parts you both. 

Good luck.

I’m Lusting For Another Lady After 18 Years In Marriage

Dear Agatha,

 I have a problem. I am a Christian and leader in our church. Yet, I met a lady, a very sweet and adoring lady who I have come to love so much. She is single, working and pretty. 

The problem now is that I am married and have always been faithful to my wife. However, things in my home have taken a different turn since I met this lady. She likes me as a person and has made it clear she doesn’t want to have anything to do with a married man. 

The truth is I am unable to find happiness and joy at home anymore no matter what my wife does to make me happy. This lady is aware of her effect on me and my marriage and has since kept her distance. Yet, I am unable to get her out of my thoughts. I am feeling most miserable. I have done all in my power to try to forget her. I prayed, fasted and have discussed this with my wife, yet I couldn’t get over it. 

My wife and I prayed about it, bound and loosen, yet no change. I only wish I could get a divorce and get what I want but she has said she is not interested, because she wouldn’t want to break another woman’s home.

I want to forget her, yet she is all I can think of. Life to me seems cruel because one cannot get what he wants because of fear of incurring the wrath of God and the society and more importantly hurting my wife of 18 years and our four kids who I may not be able to explain my actions to. I am just plainly confused.  What do I do, to get over this?

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

The first thing is to accept the fact that what you feel is perfectly normal for most men who have been married for sometime. After 18 years, you are pleasantly surprised that another woman finds you interesting and irresistible. Before now, you probably were under the impression that your life was boring - following a particular pattern and that you have grown unattractive for any woman to take interest in. 

Finding out that this lady not only has interest in you but also would have married you had you been divorced or widowed, is so exciting to you that you have completely forgotten your responsibilities to your family. You are in your itching years; the period when men seem to get tired of living a routine life and crave for the excitement through something new. This is what middle age status does. You may not have realised it until now but deep within you, you were unconsciously looking for an escape route from the boredom you think your marriage has become. 

No amount of prayers can get this woman off your chest and thoughts if you don’t on your own appreciate your feelings for what they are. What you feel is a blend of excitement, infatuation, lust as well as pride at your ability to still attract the interest of a younger woman. Being ashamed of what you feel for this lady would make the problem remain a stubborn one to bury. 

It is a good thing you have told your wife about it since it would afford you the opportunity of discussing your marriage, her person as well as her feelings. It is obvious your marriage has become very stable and in need of some major surgical operation to make it appear new and exciting. 

This is the time for open honesty on your part as well as your wife’s. For you to be so affected by this lady, there are things you want from her as well as do to her that you are not getting from your wife or can’t do with her. 

Don’t be ashamed to share your thoughts and fantasies with your wife. Being a Christian shouldn’t stop you from having an active and exciting love life with your wife. If you probe your feelings deeper, you will realise from your feelings for this strange woman what is missing in your marriage. 

In addition to perhaps a boring sex life is also the appearance of your wife. How do you want her to look - the appearance that will touch you in that special place this woman is touching you? Trust me, there are issues in marriage that prayers can never resolve. Prayers can’t stop you from having sexual feelings or finding another woman exciting. This is nature; the only thing that can resolve it is that you you face reality and confront the problem with practical solutions like making your wife as pretty as the attraction outside your home. 

The devil here is not that woman but your feelings that is questing for some excitement. Insist your wife improves on her dress sense, shift from being a mother of four children to a wife and woman interested in keeping the attention of her husband. 

Let her know that you are more important than the children she has made her entire life; that you remain her first baby and that like her children, you are thirsty for attention. It is her duty to help you overcome this temptation this other woman has become in your marriage. 

The danger of what you feel is, if nothing is done by her to help you, you could actually get the divorce before considering the consequences. So, sit her down and tear up some of those rules that have made your marriage boring. Create a time for both of you to be alone as man and woman; to recreate some of those early moments in your relationship. 

This will help upgrade your marriage and provide you with more room to expand. Don’t be ashamed to say what you want; there is nowhere in the Bible where sex and excitement between husband and wife is tagged “sin.” God knew the power, influence and place of sex; hence his insistence it should be done within marriage. 

Forget about all the forbidden rules and face the truth concerning you, teachings and wants. Until you are able to get the kind of feelings in your marriage, the opium this woman has become will never go away. She will continue to torment your thoughts as well as marriage. 

Treat your marriage like a living thing. If you and your woman fail to drag it away from the stage it is in now, you would end up crippling it completely. A marriage is like a baby. There are stages it must pass through for it to work well. If a child who should be walking is still crawling, his parents would immediately begin the search for cure; so also, is a marriage. The cure of any marital problem is to keep the marriage alive by making it dynamic.

One other thing you can do to help your wife get into the act is for you two to go away on holidays; just the two of you. You both need the time to reconnect as a couple and not as parents. 

For 18 years, you have systematically forgotten what it is like to be a couple, living in the mold of parents, worrying about school fees, house rents, child discipline and care. When last did you two have a discussion that didn’t revolve round the welfare of the children? What was the last time you complimented each other on your looks or really enjoyed sex the way you both should? Better still, as the man, when last did you really derive tremendous pleasure from being with your wife, have creative and recreational sex and not the routine kind of thing?

Your prayer point is not to bind this lady but for God to give you the peace and grace to make your marriage what it should be. The only limitations is your imagination because there is nothing you want from that woman you cannot get from your wife if only you are willing to use your imagination to get your wife to cooperate with you. 

There is no age barrier to sexual pleasure, good and happy home. Once you find contentment and excitement in the woman you have at home, the thoughts of this lady would vanish from your mind. The truth is, she has nothing to offer you but problems in your home and life. 

Do yourself a world of good by helping your woman become your mistress as well as your wife. There is a lot of excitement for the man who has his wife as his mistress. Don’t allow that ego stop you from doing what you have to do. 

Good luck. 

My Girlfriend Is Pregnant For Another Man

Dear Agatha, 

I am facing the most difficult moment of my life. My girlfriend of two years got pregnant for her secret lover. All these happened while I was away for my national youth service. 

I discovered her duplicity when I recently came back home and was making love to her. While romancing her boobs, I noticed I was taking in a substance with soured taste in my mouth. I pretended not to notice it at first, being not exactly sure what was coming out of her boobs but when it kept coming, I stopped to investigate what precisely I was sucking only to discover that it was coming from her nipples. 

When I asked her what kind of liquid was coming from her breasts, she initially denied knowledge of it, but I pressured her to know what could have prompted the breast milk. I kept mounting pressure on her to confirm what my suspicions were. From my experience I know a woman lactates when she is pregnant and during breast-feeding.    

When she kept maintaining her stance, I asked her to leave my house that night; so, she started shedding tears and later confessed that a guy she started dating when I was away got her pregnant. Up till now, I am still in a state of shock as I find the whole episode still so confusing and disturbing. Please I need your candid advice please.

Iyk.

Dear Iyk, 

I understand the shock and sense of betrayal. It is normal, given the fact that as a woman she is expected to remain faithful to the relationship. 

Sincerely, how you handle this situation would depend on what you feel for this lady and how sorry she is about the whole incident. 

To help you understand where to start from, it is essential you X-ray thoroughly this relationship from where and how you both started. What was the arrangement between the two of you especially when you were leaving for the youth service? Was there a defined agreement between the two of you on where you were both taking the relationship to or was it an open ended thing? 

While I am not condoning her unfaithfulness to you, sometimes when issues like this come up, it helps a great deal to put everything in the right perspective. Sometimes, we assume too much in our relationship, presuming the other person should know what we feel or think. Unfortunately, this attitude more often than not brings along with it some avoidable problems into our lives. This is why some people misbehave or betray their partners because they innocently got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Not everybody understands the language of signs; for the majority, it is always better that feelings are spelt out in words to avoid misconception or ambiguity.

If both of you had the understanding that your relationship was meant to be permanent and that while you were away, there should be constant flow of communication between the two of you, with you assuring her of your love for her and encouraging her to come over for a visit, then her behaviour is completely out of place and uncalled for. 

But, if it was based more on assumption rather than concrete promises, believing she is always there and that you can come and go as you like, then you really can’t blame her for what happened because as a young woman nearing marriage age, there is always this morbid fear of being left too long on the shelf. The gamble to have someone solid in her life rather than the promises represented by you, may have forced her into the situation.

While not trying to make excuse for her, like I said earlier, it helps to give a robust outlook to issues in a relationship if more mistakes are to be avoided. 

Now that you know she has been unfaithful to you, to the extent of getting pregnant and terminating it, do you still consider yourself as having feelings for her? In the first place, what kind of feelings do you have for her? Are you reacting because she slept with another man or that you feel really betrayed and hurt by the one person you love? 

Be honest with yourself by properly defining what you feel for this lady. It is the only way you can untangle this knot before you. If you know you haven’t done the proper thing until this moment, telling her how important she is to you and how you would want both of you to start planning for the future, accept what happened as an emotional accident waiting to happen. Find it in your heart to forgive her and do what you should have done long ago, learning to put the right structure in place. Relationship building takes a lot of efforts, sacrifices, self-will and determination. It is more of an awareness of what works for you than what others think. If you are determined to make this relationship work despite her slip, it will work but if you lack a direction yourself, there is the tendency to be swayed by what others think. 

Most times it takes just a little amount of interest to turn a dry land into a fertile one. 

Just allow the grace of God to direct you on what is right. If she is sober and begs for forgiveness, it maybe just what she needs to be the best wife.

Good luck.