Must She Wait Forever To Declare Her Love For Me?

Dear Agatha,

I really want to say a big thank you for the way you answer questions and give hope to anyone who gets to write you through your column.

Please, I really need your advice on this one. Six years after I suffered a disappointment, I have fallen in love again with a girl I met three years ago. 

Severally in the past, I have tried to make her appreciate my feelings for her. It was only this year she began to take me serious. We took to exchanging calls as well as sms (short message service). This gave me strong hope that one day she would be mine forever. However the problem is that while she has confessed her feelings for me to her friend, she has refused to tell me anything. Rather than her saying she misses me whenever I skip lecture, she would instead lie that the lecturer asked for me and insists I shouldn’t miss lecture again. But when I ask other course-mates if truly the lecturer noticed my absence they would all deny knowledge of what she said the lecturer said.  

We recently started chatting so late into the night, viewing each other on webcam. We would say all manner of sweet things to each other, but I discovered she isn’t taking serious all the things I tell her. I understand she might just want to know if I truly love her, but for how long does she want to do this? I have been in love with her for the past three years and will always love her.

Please, I need your help, because thought of her is occupying all my time.  Please help to make me understand why she is doing this to me.  Jan C.

Dear Jan C.,

Obviously there are so many things you don’t understand about her, and which you are too much in a rush to find out.

From her attitude, she is also trying to be sure you are serious about her. Yes, she told her friends she is in love with you, but is holding back because there are certain things about you too that she is trying to confirm. Due to your previous disappointment, you seem to be in too much haste to have her in your life, neglecting to find out who she really is and what makes her who she is now.

To get her to listen to you, you may have to play down on your own desperate need for her in your life and concentrate on finding out the important things that would help you keep her in your life. Unlike you, you have loved her from the moment you met her three years ago. Whereas, she is just discovering her feelings for you, therefore would need time to properly x-ray what she feels for you and put your own feelings for her through series of tests.

Her attitude could be a result of a past experience, one she vowed never to go through again. Unless you devote time to her, you will never be able to find out what life has dealt her with. Rather than devote all your time to making her see in clear terms what you feel, also make it your business to find out what her history is. This is what would give her the confidence to move on with you. For some women, it isn’t just a matter of a man declaring his love, but a matter of how much he really cares. You must show her that your interest transcends her body to her mind, and well-being. She has to see that your love for her is laced with care, understanding, support and willingness to make sacrifices for her. 

Being course-mates, she may also be considering other things beyond what you both feel for each other. For instance, unless your relationship is well defined, grounded on real substance that would make her want to risk a future with you, she may not consider you for anything serious. The natural question for her and one strong reason she may not want too deep an involvement with you is your suitability for her after you both graduate, the time it would take for you to be ready to settle down. Once she leaves the university, pressures would be on her to get married because a woman’s time has an expiry shelf date. This could be one of the reasons she is still hesitating. She has to know if you are worth taking any risk for and with. Sincerely, she needs more assurances from you than she is getting because she is gradually coming to that point in her life when some women begin to think of all the tomorrows. To help ensure you are for real, take more than a passing interest in her. Don’t limit yourself to your feelings, but act it by demonstrating care, understanding, appreciation, selflessness as well as sacrifices towards her. 

By capitulating to your frustration at your seeming inability to make a positive connection with her, you risk losing her over your inability to make her understand what you are and what she means to you. The nature and future of a relationship is defined from its early stage.

Good luck. 

Seven Men At My Skirt, But Choice…

Dear Agatha,

I am having a challenge on how to choose a partner. Currently, I have six young men requesting for my hand in marriage as well as a sugar daddy also wants me in his life. What do I do? The man is about 20 years older than I am, but has no wife though he has a daughter. I am 25 years of age. 

Worried lady.

 

Dear Worried Lady,

This isn’t just a matter of you having the numbers of men in your life, but knowing what you want from life.

At 25, you are in your prime and like a beautiful butterfly bound to attract the best of attention from every eye that beholds you.

It is the time when womanhood is at its most intoxicating, powerful and enchanting. It is the time most women think they have the whole world at their feet, when they get to play court to as many men as possible, young and old.

But it is also the most delicate time in a young woman’s life, the time she is most susceptible to making the worst kind of mistake. So be warned as not to allow the thrills of this moment make you become haughty and deaf to well intentioned counsel. Remember this, you stay in the spotlight is temporary, so make the best and wise use of it because you may never get this chance again.

Therefore, you must have a plan, an idea of what kind of man has the power to keep you happy in the choice you eventually make.

Retreat from all these men temporarily will enable you take care of very personal matters first. Out of all these men, who among them has that special thing to permanently engage your interest in the relationship? Which of them has the right kind of temperament, is understanding, your friend, caring, supportive, appreciative, loyal, patient, God-fearing and is loyal? These are the inner qualities that make a huge difference in life.

Resist the urge for physical and material considerations, all these would eventually fade away and settle for the one with the most precious qualities that keep relationship going.

You can only get the right kind of answer if you are honest with yourself. Remember this is a proposal for a lifetime journey, one you are not expected to get out from. Hence you need a good friend with whom you can discuss, share your thoughts and secrets with, joke with as well as make fun of to make the journey of two complete strangers coming together more manageable, enjoyable and enduring. 

As long as you allow the will of God prevail by being forthright, there is no way you won’t be happy in your eventual choice.

Good luck.

Must She Wait Forever To Declare Her Love For Me?

Dear Agatha,

I really want to say a big thank you for the way you answer questions and give hope to anyone who gets to write you through your column.

Please, I really need your advice on this one. Six years after I suffered a disappointment, I have fallen in love again with a girl I met three years ago. 

Severally in the past, I have tried to make her appreciate my feelings for her. It was only this year she began to take me serious. We took to exchanging calls as well as sms (short message service). This gave me strong hope that one day she would be mine forever. However the problem is that while she has confessed her feelings for me to her friend, she has refused to tell me anything. Rather than her saying she misses me whenever I skip lecture, she would instead lie that the lecturer asked for me and insists I shouldn’t miss lecture again. But when I ask other course-mates if truly the lecturer noticed my absence they would all deny knowledge of what she said the lecturer said.  

We recently started chatting so late into the night, viewing each other on webcam. We would say all manner of sweet things to each other, but I discovered she isn’t taking serious all the things I tell her. I understand she might just want to know if I truly love her, but for how long does she want to do this? I have been in love with her for the past three years and will always love her.

Please, I need your help, because thought of her is occupying all my time.  Please help to make me understand why she is doing this to me.  Jan C.

Dear Jan C.,

Obviously there are so many things you don’t understand about her, and which you are too much in a rush to find out.

From her attitude, she is also trying to be sure you are serious about her. Yes, she told her friends she is in love with you, but is holding back because there are certain things about you too that she is trying to confirm. Due to your previous disappointment, you seem to be in too much haste to have her in your life, neglecting to find out who she really is and what makes her who she is now.

To get her to listen to you, you may have to play down on your own desperate need for her in your life and concentrate on finding out the important things that would help you keep her in your life. Unlike you, you have loved her from the moment you met her three years ago. Whereas, she is just discovering her feelings for you, therefore would need time to properly x-ray what she feels for you and put your own feelings for her through series of tests.

Her attitude could be a result of a past experience, one she vowed never to go through again. Unless you devote time to her, you will never be able to find out what life has dealt her with. Rather than devote all your time to making her see in clear terms what you feel, also make it your business to find out what her history is. This is what would give her the confidence to move on with you. For some women, it isn’t just a matter of a man declaring his love, but a matter of how much he really cares. You must show her that your interest transcends her body to her mind, and well-being. She has to see that your love for her is laced with care, understanding, support and willingness to make sacrifices for her. 

Being course-mates, she may also be considering other things beyond what you both feel for each other. For instance, unless your relationship is well defined, grounded on real substance that would make her want to risk a future with you, she may not consider you for anything serious. The natural question for her and one strong reason she may not want too deep an involvement with you is your suitability for her after you both graduate, the time it would take for you to be ready to settle down. Once she leaves the university, pressures would be on her to get married because a woman’s time has an expiry shelf date. This could be one of the reasons she is still hesitating. She has to know if you are worth taking any risk for and with. Sincerely, she needs more assurances from you than she is getting because she is gradually coming to that point in her life when some women begin to think of all the tomorrows. To help ensure you are for real, take more than a passing interest in her. Don’t limit yourself to your feelings, but act it by demonstrating care, understanding, appreciation, selflessness as well as sacrifices towards her. 

By capitulating to your frustration at your seeming inability to make a positive connection with her, you risk losing her over your inability to make her understand what you are and what she means to you. The nature and future of a relationship is defined from its early stage.

Good luck. 

My Husband Of 35 Years Left Behind Women, Children Outside Wedlock

Dear Agatha,

I am a widow. My husband died three months ago and his will was read last week. Before he died, I knew nothing about other women or children. We were married for 35 years before his death.

Not once in all these years did he tell me of any child. Like every other woman, I knew from time to time he indulged in one affair or the other. But all these affairs I thought ended without any incidences.

Besides, we had a fairly stable marriage. He never for once laid his finger on me.

If I were to grade him on his deathbed, I would score him above average as a husband. In fact, I did until the will was read and I discovered that he not only had three other children but was also married to their mothers under the native law and customs.

I knew his family never liked me but didn’t know they would go to this length to support this injustice against me.

My son being the first, got to keep the family house, while his other children who incidentally are boys, he made directors of the company as well as gifts of houses.

I am deeply hurt but since he isn’t alive to answer to his crime, I want to contest the will, as well as the paternity of those children. I suspect the will may have been doctored by the family to deprive me of what rightly belongs to my children and I. Even if these children are his, I don’t want them near any of his property or the company he made me chairman of.

That company belongs to my children and I, not these strangers that I don’t know. Besides, I have plans to sell off the company to reduce the interest of his extended family members in the affairs of  my children and I.

What do you think? I am desperate for help. I want to fight for the rights of my children and preserve their legacy, which these people have come to steal.

Jadesola.

 

Dear Jadesola,

I understand all your hurts, pains and betrayal. Any woman in your shoes would feel all these especially as the person at the centre of it all is dead and unable to defend himself or explain his actions.

But this is the time you need the wisdom of God more than ever to prevent costly mistakes that would leave you more devastated than you are now. It is also time for you to take stock of your life as well as relationship with your in-laws, who may just be praying you make the mistake of going to court to extract their pound of flesh from you.

That nobody in your husband’s family told you about these other women and their children shows your weakness in this matter as well as a resolve in the family to deal with you. It also shows you didn’t really make the attempt to relate with your in-laws or that you didn’t treat them right.

However, trying at this point in time to understand why he did what he did would only keep the pains alive in your heart. So the first thing to do is to learn to forgive him without which you would never be able to move forward.

It’s the only way you can begin to see things from a very different perspective as well as accept the situation you have found yourself in.

Whether you like it or not, going to the court would cost you both time and money; generate more hatred than you can cope with within the family and for your children.

And because nothing can be done while the matter is still in court, everything would have to remain as they are until court resolves the case. The implication is that everything you helped your husband build, the legacy of the children you are trying to protect would all go to waste because the process of getting justice in Nigeria is a windy, complicating and time-consuming. It could last a lifetime.

As the mother of the house, opt for peace and try as much as you can to allow the past be. You have it within you to make the positive change in the family to heal this wound inflicted on you all. It couldn’t have been easy too for those children to be kept in the cupboard. He must have kept them really under wrap for you not to know about their existence. Like you and your children, they also have their grouse to nurse.

The wound of your going to court would be too deep to manage. These are not just other people, they are your husband’s children, people with the same rights to their father’s properly as your children. They are also your children’s brothers; a relationship nobody can erase. For these reasons, it would be unwise to fight them. Nobody goes to court and comes back to be friends.

Besides, learn from your late husband’s mistakes. Don’t leave bitter issues behind for others long after you are gone. You may think it is the right thing to do now but it is burning up permanently any chance of dialogue, as well as the settlement between all of you.

There are ways you can be in charge without rocking the fragile peace in your family. Your children are simply waiting for you to know the line to tow. If you adopt hostility, out of sympathy to you, they too will become hostile to their siblings and father’s families. Your only achievement would be to set your children against the entire family, a situation you may be able to weather effortlessly but which the children will not be able to handle since they will always need the support and approval of the extended family at some crucial times in their lives.

It is the future you must do everything to protect for your children; especially when you are no longer around.

First go round your in-laws to explain your position; let them understand that you are not against the other women and children but the concealment of their existence by your husband. Let them know you are hurting at the way they have treated your loyalty to your late husband. Make it clear to them that even if you are the worst wife they married, you deserve better treatment from the people you have spent 35 years of your life with. One or two persons among them would shift to your side because you would have succeeded in pricking their conscience.

After this, call the other two women for similar discussion. Ask them which one of them would not feel bad if treated the way your late husband treated you. Let them know you have nothing against them, as well as the fact that you are ready to absorb all three children into the family. This talk would debunk whatever they may have been told about you.

After this, get the children together and address all of them. Encourage them to get to know each other, form a united front against any member of the family who may want to use the situation created by their father to his or her advantage.

If you are sincere, fair and open in your dealings with them, with time they will come to regard you as a true mother to them all.

Go to God in prayer for help on how to be a good manager of your home and family.

Good luck.

My 43-year-old Lover Offers N5m To Let Him Be…

Dear Agatha, 

He is 43 while I am 23. We met at a wedding reception, three years ago. We got talking and one thing led to the other. We eventually agreed to a relationship and sincerely I found him not only caring, but also very attentive to my needs.

When I asked if he was married, he told me his wife and three children live abroad and that he was lonely. I didn’t see anything wrong in dating him against the advice of my friends and family, especially my mother who never liked any other her daughters dating married men. 

Tried as she did to end the relationship, I resisted her till she eventually gave up trying. Eventually I moved out of the house, got a place of my own through his help. He also bought me a car. To say the least I was happy and looking forward to the day he would come to ask for my hand in marriage under the native law and customs. 

Even though I knew my parents would never accept him, I knew some of my extended family members who would give their support once given the right financial incentives. 

The first two years were happy, I couldn’t have wished for a better man as he diligently took care of all my needs, but to my surprise, we attended one of his friends’ birthday and he started chatting up another young lady. She can’t be more than 20 years of age. 

Right in my presence, he gave her his call card and some money. When I protested, he simply ignored me. I discovered his friends too were doing the same thing. They simply didn’t care about the women they came with as some were even fondling some of these girls right in our presence.

For some strange reasons, none of us mustered the guts to walk away. Not only was the place secluded, it was late in the night, hence we endured the humiliation of watching the men we came with make it out with other women.

After a while all the men disappeared into one of the rooms upstairs with the excuse they were going for a meeting. It was well after two hours before they came out of the meeting.

When we got home, I demanded to know what sort of meeting they were holding at night and why he elected to humiliate me by chatting up another girl right in my presence. 

To my shock, he told me I was free to leave the relationship as he has gotten what he desired from me. He said I was free to keep the house and cars. He also volunteered to give me a parting gift of N5million if I didn’t make trouble with him. 

Agatha, what keeps baffling me about him is the fact that not once in my presence has he received a call or called his wife and children. When I ask if they never communicated, he would mumble something and begin a new conversation. 

Now I am beginning to suspect he is into some kind of ritual, because he doesn’t like me coming to his house, but prefers to come to mine. 

Since that party, he has increasingly become elusive, doesn’t give me money as before. Severally, he has refused to answer my phone and have seen him with the lady he met at that party.

When he decides to call, he keeps asking me if I have decided to pick up my N5million cheque. I need the money, but I want all of him, which is why I don’t want to let go.

But the dreams I have been having of recent are beginning to scare me, but whenever I wake up, I can’t recall precisely what I saw, but the thoughts of these dreams leave me horrified. 

Do you think there is more to this man? And do I collect the money? I really need it as my parents have turned their back on me, but my friend suspects the motive of him giving such a huge amount of money. I am confused because he seems determined to make me accept the money.

Iyabode.

Dear Iyabode,

What is happening to you is what happens to a fly that insists on accompany a corpse to the graveside and gets buried along with the corpse. 

In the first place what were you doing with a man 20 years older than you do, and who told you from the beginning that he has a wife and children in his life? If not greed at the money he was giving you, would you have refused the well-meaning advice of your parents and friends? Why are you now complaining about the presence of the other girl in his life? After all, the knowledge that he is married with children didn’t stop you from going out with him, leaving your home for a rented apartment to be with him. So why are you bothered now when there is another woman taking your place in his life?

The same disregard and contempt he showed his wife and children by dating you are what you are also experiencing. Even if you don’t believe he has a wife anywhere, the fact that he mentioned having one should have made you rejected his advances in the first place.

However, it isn’t too late for you to make a retreat, if not for anything, for the sake of your tomorrow. From what you said, there appears to be a side of this man you don’t know and clearly lack the experience to handle. 

It is unfortunate that you refused to listen to your parents, but if you are to protect yourself from something deeper than you know, don’t ignore the signs you are getting. The fact that you remember that the dreams are nightmarish is clear indication that you are in some spiritual trouble for which you urgently need help.

And the best thing to do is to first go back to your parents to make peace after which you must seek spiritual help from a church God leads you to. 

No matter the temptation, please don’t accept the money from him as it could be a form of spiritual exchange of your glory. Once you accept the money as pay off, it would take the special grace of God to bring back what he has paid you for in the spiritual realm. Even though some sorts of bargain and payment have happened through the various gifts he has given you, this final payment could be for something precious to you, something you will forever miss as a woman if you are lucky to be alive. 

At this stage, only God’s intervention can work for you, hence your need to make peace fast with your parents. When situation gets this bad, more often than not, the presence of the mother is vital in deliverance. She has to constantly stand in gap for you, remind God that she didn’t mortgage you; therefore an impossibility for anyone to exchange your glory without her permission. 

Even though you have unwittingly sold yourself into this mess, with the prayers of your mother and you, God will direct you to a servant of His choice, specially equipped by Him to set you free. 

Be careful, you don’t jump out, looking for spiritual help without the clear directions of God else you will end up with more complex situation. 

You must, as a matter of urgency, move out of his place without taking anything from what he bought for you. There is no way any kind of deliverance would work for you if you insist on keeping his money and other gifts, because you don’t know the source of the money and the purpose of him giving you those gifts. Therefore to continue to hold on to them out of greed is to declare for the source and his purpose for giving you those items. 

One thing you must know is that such things come with severe price tags. Only God’s gifts are permanent and without conditions. Unquestionable sources of income, especially the kind that elicits midnight meetings and indecent relationships with young girls. 

In addition to moving out, stop all forms of communication with him as well as develop the habit of praying before going to bed. 

If you are sincere and determined to make a departure from your past, God who sees the end from the beginning as well as everything will definitely help you. All you need is to go to Him in prayers for forgiveness as well as complete trust.

Good luck. 

My Pastor-lover Won’t Marry Me…

Dear Agatha, 

There is this man of God I am dating, who before we started expressed his desire to marry me. Recently, I went to his house and found another lady with him. Shocked, I demanded for explanations and knowledge of the number of women in his life. 

As if what he did isn’t enough, he told me there were several other women in his life. I was taken aback by this and felt very hurt at his attitude, because I happened to love him with all my heart. 

Not up to a week after the bombshell, he called to say he wasn’t interested in marrying me anymore, and that we should limit our relationship to mere friendship. 

Agatha, the thing is that I want him in my life. I love him too much to let go. What can I do to have him back? 

Dora.

Dear Dora, 

There is nothing you can do to keep a man who isn’t interested in having you in his life. You may love him but it is apparent he doesn’t feel the same way about you. 

A man in love with his woman will not openly advertise the existence of another woman in his life let alone allowing another one near his house. 

Besides, this is one man you cannot trust with your life if you really want peace in life. If, as a man of God, he engages in multiple relationships, what assurances do you have that if you marry him, he would treat you well and stay faithful to his vows?

If as a man of God, he is unable to stay faithful to the things of God, manifest the essence of God in his life, there is no way he can ever give you the respect you deserve in his life. 

Rather than bemoan the death of this relationship, you should thank God for showing you the nature of the man you planned to marry. Much as you love him and want to be his wife, given the kind of man he is, there is no way you would ever be happy with him for a husband. As a matter of fact, you should be happy you discovered the kind of man he is before going into it else you would have been forced by both religious and societal sentiments to endure a marriage that you are not happy with. Being a man of God, nobody would consider your happiness as much as the consideration the society would expect you to give to the success of his ministry.

If you insist on leaving, you would be labelled a bad woman who wants to destroy the ministry of her husband. This is why you should not attempt to do anything that would force this relationship to continue.

For a man to make a woman happy, he must have regards for her person and feelings. Letting you meet another woman in his house and telling you to your face that there are still other women, portrays him as a man who doesn’t care about your feelings at all, as well as one who is selfish and irresponsible. 

Deep down, is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Who would always put his interest far and above yours? 

Don’t sound desperate or frustrated that you must have a man who has clearly shown that he is not good enough for you as a husband. You may think you love him now, but a time would come when your love alone cannot sustain the two of you. Overtime what you think you feel for him will fade and be replaced with hatred for the way he is treating you. 

Besides, he has told you to go, making it very clear that you are the least among important persons to him. Go with the remaining dignity you have. If this man is yours, he would definitely come back to beg you to come back into his life.

The important thing now is for you to reconcile with God by allowing Him supremacy over your life. The fact that he is a man of God should warn you against taking people on face value. 

When you go into another relationship, care should be taken by you to look at the more fundamental things about him. For instance who is he is most important than what he is. Anybody can claim to be anything, including being an angel but what should matter most to you is who he really is. 

It is whom a person is that makes the difference in life. It is the ‘who’ you get to live with not the what. Therefore, be on the look out for the important things that would make you life a whole new meaning from what you are used to. Relationships are meant to bring out the best in us and not take us through the worst of life.

Asking God for help as well as a willingness to be completely trusting in Him and His ways would help you a great deal in moving you forward from the position you seem very adamant to give up.

Good luck. 

Pressure To Become Muslim Mounts After Jos Crisis Claimed My Mother

DEAR AGATHA,
I’m a 21-year-old 300 Level student of the University of Jos (UNIJOS), Plateau State, Nigeria.

I’m a Christian and live with my mother and house-help in Jos. Unfortunately, our house was among the many houses burnt in the recent crisis that also caused the death of my mother.

The house-girl and I are alive today because we weren’t at home. I had gone to the salon while the house-help went to the shop where she helps my mother to sell groceries. My mother wasn’t too healthy so she had to stay at home. It was at the salon I noticed a sudden change, people running, black smoke all over the air, gunshots, and other forms of commotion. I ran home, while I was running towards our house, I was calling my mother’s phone but it wasn’t going through, making me very scared.

On getting home I saw our house on fire, I tried to rush inside but our neighbours held me and advised me to run for my life, saying, “what has happened has happened.”  That day I followed some groups of Christians who had mobility to Kano State. I got to Kano at night and being my first time in there I had to pass the night in the park until the next morning when my course mate based in Kano came to pick me.

Ever since then I’ve been living with them and I don’t need anybody to tell me they are no longer comfortable with my presence. They have been urging me to convert to Islam and I’m beginning to consider it, my mother was killed because she was a Christian.

I’m so confused. I was born into a Christian home, have lived all my life as a Christian. I don’t know what to do? Should I remain a Christian or convert to a Muslim?

I need your advice urgently. I also want to share my problem with ‘The Auntie Agatha Share A Problem Family’ because I’m a big fan of your column. Help me in anyway you can, that’s why I’m putting my mobile number 0802-784-4281 my e-mail isfumiadebayo@yahoo.com.

Funmi.

 

Dear Funmi,

Where are you from originally? Where is your father? Is he alive or dead? If alive, where is he? Can you immediately reach him to come for you? What about relatives and friends who can take you in for now? Are you the only child? And what about other relatives? Have you made efforts to reach any one outside these persons you now live with?

I understand the panic of the moment that made you decide on the spot to run as far away as possible from the memories and scene that led to your mother’s death as well as everything you know.

However from what is happening to you now, the time has come for you to rethink your options, take stock of your environment as well as the choice before you to avoid the greater tragedy of you making the worst kind of mistake in your life. From all you have said, there is the need for you to move away from where you are now to be able to think clearly. There is no way you can concentrate on positive thinking with the kinds of pressures you are being made to endure by your hosts.

The fact that your mother is no longer alive doesn’t mean you are all alone or without a base. It also doesn’t give you the right to change who you are. An adage says if you don’t’ know where you are going you must know where you are coming from. Even if you are now an orphan, your parents certainly didn’t drop from heaven, they have families, they come from a place and must have told you one or two things about themselves including why they came to Jos. This is the time for you to dig into your family archives and come with a clear plan of how you intend to find your heritage.

From your surname, Adebayo, it is obvious you are from the Western part of Nigeria. Even if your parents lived all their lives in Jos, they must have told you where they come from originally. If you know their states and villages, tracing your extended families won’t be a problem. There definitely would be some people aware of your father’s and mother’s sojourn to Jos and would welcome you back home especially following the tragic death of your mother.

Changing from Christianity to Islam isn’t a solution at all. It would only be a huge complication to your already complex life. This is because you cannot change who you are and when the issues involved go beyond mere creed to undiluted fundamentalism, then it is not a matter of changing your faith, but that of changing completely who you are from birth. God that made you whom you are, knows the best. You can only change from one religion to another if you have a deep belief in the ways of your new religious, but in a situation where you are being coerced into changing your religion could be counter productive. 

Any change that is superficial comes with many regrets. Don’t put yourself in that position of being able to move on or backwards in life. Every change must come with a passion and positive attitude; knowledge of what one is going into as well as the motive for it. Beyond the issue of these people pressuring you to embrace their religion and a fear of your own survival, what other reason do you have for wanting to change? If the desire to change was coming from somewhere deep inside of you, it would have been another matter entirely, but coming because you feel helpless and hopeless will never give you the relief and comfort you need now.

Going back to your root would afford you the comfort of your own people, familiar with your history and person. You cannot afford to lose everything your have lived with for 21 years now. You need more than the comfort of your present situation. If there is a way of raising the necessary funds before the situation degenerates, do so and move.

You need time to really mourn your mother whose life was unjustly terminated by some people who are out to score some cheap religious and political points. Only the company of your kindred and people very familiar with your history can offer you the kind of moral support and peace to grieve for the woman who gave you life as well as the support to be who you are now. These tears will enable you heal properly as well as point you at the right direction.

For the time being, at least until you are sure of what you really want, go to the office of the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) in Kano. They will be more than willing to help you make the journey back to your root. Leaving that entire environment will help you heal properly as well as help give you a more comprehensive focus of life. It will also enable you think of the next plan of action, how to retrieve the little you can of your parents’ property in Jos and how to continue your education.

There is nothing like the warmth of a family to fall back on when things go really back. No matter how bad your parents may have presented their families, there will always be one left who is willing to offer you the foundation to begin something new.

And to the entire Christian community and humanity in general, this is the time to offer this young lady all the help due someone who is understandably confused, bitter about the tragic death of her mother, but dare not cry for fear of being killed herself all the help she can to regain her life that came to a halt on a day that would forever remain indelible in her mind.

To help her make the right choice, we appeal to all well meaning Nigerians as well as friends of humanity, to help this young lady live again, have her dream back as well as her life that came to a halt on that day.  I don’t know her but she has come to us for help. She needs our shoulders to lean on as she comes out of this dark maze. We are also appealing to all the Adebayos in Nigeria to find out if this lady is one of them and do the right thing of bringing her back home.  God bless you all as you help put a smile back on this face.

Good luck.

 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,
Have heard so many good things about your column, so decided to try my luck. I have always believed in making it big before I marry, but along the line I suffered a major set back that brought me back to square one. Now I need a serious minded matured lady as a wife, sister and mother, and ready to assist me in picking my life again.

She must be between 28 and 40 years of age, tribe is no barrier, but she must be a Christian, humble, caring, and average in height and size.
I am in my 40s from the South East currently living with a friend in Lagos. I’m tall and fair. I neither drink nor smoke, I know I will be back on my feet again. This is my phone number, 0803-208-7784.

She Wants Him Out 10 Years After…

Dear Agatha,

I wrote to you late last year on poverty and how I am being coerced to embrace early marriage. I really appreciate your response as I am trying to apply all you said.

I have a friend who is worried over an issue I know you can help her out. She is into a distance relationship with a guy who from the start agreed to marry her. Unfortunately, she discovered along the line that she has no feelings for the man and wants to end the relationship, but doesn’t know how to go about it without hurting him, as their relationship is over 10 years old.  How best do you think she can handle this matter without causing this man too much emotional pain?

Concerned Friend.

Dear Concerned Friend, 

There is no easier way of doing this, but it is in her interest as well as the man’s for her to do what is right. And the earlier she does that the better for her.

There is nothing to be gained by either of them if she keeps postponing telling him, not doing that now would only increase the pains of his disappointment when he eventually finds out the truth. 

This is because he is still keeping to their earlier plans and working towards its realisation. 

If she has fallen out to love with him due to distance, she should be bold enough to confront him with her feelings. She shouldn’t feel guilty about it because not many of us are good at maintaining long distance relationships. 

If she had tried for 10 years to maintain it and is no longer convinced of the need to go on, she should find time to go to him personally, if he is in a place where she can easily have access to explain why she no longer feels comfortable in the relationship. But if he is outside the country, she should send him e-mail first before calling on phone. The essence of the e-mail is to give her the opportunity to properly explain the challenges of the relationship and all the reasons she fell out of love with him. It is important she gets her point clearly across to him, a thing that may not be possible through a phone call. 

She has to make the attempt at clearing every doubt that her reason has to do with another man. Only then would both of them agree on the way forward and also able to stay as friends.

If the man feels bad, it is expected because he has built his life around her but he would eventually get over her and thank her for having the guts to end it when he finds the right kind of woman. 

Besides, not telling him is also preventing her from moving ahead with her life. As it is, unless she ends this relationship, she cannot go into another relationship or give her commitment to any man. To do that would amount to cheating on this man. 

Because they have both left what they ought to have done for too long, the distance succeeded in creating doubts in her heart. Your friend’s boyfriend might also be going through his challenges, but given the nature of man that the woman would always wait having given her his commitment could make him keep quiet about his own doubts. 

Talking about it would help both of them either revaluate the relationships, take note of where they have both made mistakes with a view of making amends or ending it up entirely. 

The advantage of confronting him about her feelings is the chance it would give both of them to walk down memory lane together, erase every regret that usually come from hasty decisions. 

For both of them to move forward without regrets, she should allow dialogue, because what is involved here is 10 years of their lives together. There is no way it can be wiped off without a lot of delicate considerations. 

The bottom line is honesty and boldness to do what is right and true, coupled with the fear of God. If her reasons go beyond distance to other things like finding herself a new boyfriend due to loneliness, she should be bold enough to say it and not shop for excuses where none exist.

Good luck.  

Why Are Men Polygamous?

Dear Agatha,

 God who made heaven and earth will continue to bless you in His infinite mercy through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

 Why is it that men are not satisfied with what they have? They would have a beautiful, good and talented wife plus healthy children at home yet take delight in dating and romancing ugly single girls at home. And when their adventure boomerangs, they come begging for forgiveness and want the wife to forget everything about their betrayals.  What do men really want?

 Uzoamaka.

 

 

Dear Uzoamaka,

 First it would do every woman a world of good to understand the adventurous nature of the man. No matter what and who we are, the reality of life is that the average man has the tendency to stray at any time in their lives.

 Right from the early days of creation; men have unashamedly indulged in polygamy, and has become second nature to them. Even though Christianity anchors its faith on the policy of one man, one woman,men have always found excuses to exercise their unlimited taste for the female flesh. So many men along the time have suffered untold hardship as a result of this but nothing has stopped many of them from pursuing women even when they have a good family at home.

 Many of them want adventure, fun and the freedom of knowing that they can get away with it. Often than not, it isn’t about the woman at home, but more of an ego thing, to demonstrate to their friends and peers that they are no woman’s fool as well as being in charge of their lives. Also, they want to assure themselves that they haven’t lost touch with trends as well as the magic of their sexuality.

 Any sensible woman who knows her onion must learn to apply wisdom when it comes to the issue of the other woman in her relationship. If the truth must be told, the world is populated with more women whose men and husbands are cheating on them than those whose men aren’t cheating on. And given the weird sexual taste both men and women are evolving, more relationships would face greater and newer challenges in the years to come hence it behooves women to try to keep their heads above the water when it comes to the issue of their men’s other affairs.

 Whatever a woman is, one thing stands clear, she has to submit to a man. Ironically, most men walk on very fragile self confidence hence would always stray from time to time. A man who is finding his wife increasingly difficult to manage would want to be with a woman who is more manageable and makes him feel like the man he is. So it is not always about the woman being beautiful and good that is important, but how she is able to manage and sustain the interest of her man in her and the home.

 Physical beauty only plays the role of a magnet in attracting the man to the woman, but only inner beauty stops him from straying too far and into dangerous grounds. Therefore a man wants a woman who though has the financial and physical powers but is humble enough to be submissive to him by acknowledging him as the head of the home. A man’s fragile sense of insecurity makes it difficult for him to be in the company of a domineering woman for too long. Once he senses she has the ability to overrun him as the leader of the team, he shrinks into his shell and quickly crawls into the waiting arms of the single women who are ready to fill in the gap and sensible enough to make him feel like a king even if it is for the purpose of edging out the main woman.

 A woman who is serious about keeping her man must learn to balance the delicate roles of being a mother, wife, worker and friend in her home. The man must at all time come home to good meals, well-kept home, attractive, romantic and attentive wife, good mother to his children as well as a friend who understands everything he is going through and who is ready to give him loving and dependable shoulders to lean on.

 When a woman realises that her husband is her first born and dotes on him with all the attention and care she lavishes on her own first son, most men would find it easier to stay at home. Most men don’t want to be told when they are wrong; rather they want to be cocooned in the loving embrace of their women for that moment to allow the memory of what they had done to fade before being reprimanded.

 Hitting the nail, when the iron is still very hot, isn’t what most of them can cope with at all. Even though most men have the knack for straying without any reasons at all, it is only a wise woman that knows when to fight and when to beat a retreat.

 Forgiveness is part of the process of healing, a natural thing when two strange people come together either as friends or partners. With forgiveness comes respect and responsibility for the wronged person. Overtime patience has won the battle for many women whose husbands initially begin the journey confused.

 Good luck.