Why Are Men Polygamous?

Dear Agatha,

 God who made heaven and earth will continue to bless you in His infinite mercy through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

 Why is it that men are not satisfied with what they have? They would have a beautiful, good and talented wife plus healthy children at home yet take delight in dating and romancing ugly single girls at home. And when their adventure boomerangs, they come begging for forgiveness and want the wife to forget everything about their betrayals.  What do men really want?

 Uzoamaka.

 

 

Dear Uzoamaka,

 First it would do every woman a world of good to understand the adventurous nature of the man. No matter what and who we are, the reality of life is that the average man has the tendency to stray at any time in their lives.

 Right from the early days of creation; men have unashamedly indulged in polygamy, and has become second nature to them. Even though Christianity anchors its faith on the policy of one man, one woman,men have always found excuses to exercise their unlimited taste for the female flesh. So many men along the time have suffered untold hardship as a result of this but nothing has stopped many of them from pursuing women even when they have a good family at home.

 Many of them want adventure, fun and the freedom of knowing that they can get away with it. Often than not, it isn’t about the woman at home, but more of an ego thing, to demonstrate to their friends and peers that they are no woman’s fool as well as being in charge of their lives. Also, they want to assure themselves that they haven’t lost touch with trends as well as the magic of their sexuality.

 Any sensible woman who knows her onion must learn to apply wisdom when it comes to the issue of the other woman in her relationship. If the truth must be told, the world is populated with more women whose men and husbands are cheating on them than those whose men aren’t cheating on. And given the weird sexual taste both men and women are evolving, more relationships would face greater and newer challenges in the years to come hence it behooves women to try to keep their heads above the water when it comes to the issue of their men’s other affairs.

 Whatever a woman is, one thing stands clear, she has to submit to a man. Ironically, most men walk on very fragile self confidence hence would always stray from time to time. A man who is finding his wife increasingly difficult to manage would want to be with a woman who is more manageable and makes him feel like the man he is. So it is not always about the woman being beautiful and good that is important, but how she is able to manage and sustain the interest of her man in her and the home.

 Physical beauty only plays the role of a magnet in attracting the man to the woman, but only inner beauty stops him from straying too far and into dangerous grounds. Therefore a man wants a woman who though has the financial and physical powers but is humble enough to be submissive to him by acknowledging him as the head of the home. A man’s fragile sense of insecurity makes it difficult for him to be in the company of a domineering woman for too long. Once he senses she has the ability to overrun him as the leader of the team, he shrinks into his shell and quickly crawls into the waiting arms of the single women who are ready to fill in the gap and sensible enough to make him feel like a king even if it is for the purpose of edging out the main woman.

 A woman who is serious about keeping her man must learn to balance the delicate roles of being a mother, wife, worker and friend in her home. The man must at all time come home to good meals, well-kept home, attractive, romantic and attentive wife, good mother to his children as well as a friend who understands everything he is going through and who is ready to give him loving and dependable shoulders to lean on.

 When a woman realises that her husband is her first born and dotes on him with all the attention and care she lavishes on her own first son, most men would find it easier to stay at home. Most men don’t want to be told when they are wrong; rather they want to be cocooned in the loving embrace of their women for that moment to allow the memory of what they had done to fade before being reprimanded.

 Hitting the nail, when the iron is still very hot, isn’t what most of them can cope with at all. Even though most men have the knack for straying without any reasons at all, it is only a wise woman that knows when to fight and when to beat a retreat.

 Forgiveness is part of the process of healing, a natural thing when two strange people come together either as friends or partners. With forgiveness comes respect and responsibility for the wronged person. Overtime patience has won the battle for many women whose husbands initially begin the journey confused.

 Good luck.

 

 

How Can I Be A Good Wife?

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you tremendously for the free services you offer. A lot of people would have made a fortune from doing what you do free of charge.

I am a great fan of yours. I read your column everyday including weekends. I have learnt a lot from reading Marriage Clinic. So many things I never understood before about marriage are now very clear to me.

I am getting married at the end of this month and would want you to help me further understand my role as a wife and friend to my husband. I want you to also teach me the difference between lovemaking and sex. I know you have said there is a huge difference, please tell me because I don’t want to lose my husband to another woman.

Besides, you are the only one I can come to since my mother won’t even discuss such a thing with me. She would promptly label me promiscuous.

Please tell me how to behave around my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who is very protective of her son.  I also want to know the kind of friends to allow in my home and those to keep out. I want to know how I should behave around my husband’s female colleagues and friends.

He is Igbo and I am Yoruba, but have never lived in Yoruba land. Although he assures me that eating my kind of food won’t be a problem, when I read some of the advises you gave to some women who wrote to you on what they are going through in the hands of their husband, I know it would eventually be a problem so how do I learn to cook his local meals? Who do I go to?

What kind of clothes do I wear as a married woman?

Please, help me because you are my best hope.

Bamidele.

 

Dear Bamidele,

Marriage is one the greatest institutions on earth but the most complex. The first principle for its success is to have the compassion and right attitude to make it work against all odds.

From the very beginning make the efforts to patent your marriage to suit you and your husband-to-be. Attempting to live in another person’s marriage is one of the greatest mistakes any woman can make. That your friends seem to be getting away with one kind of behaviour doesn’t make it right and you should not import that into your own marriage because your husband isn’t their husband. Chances are that your husband may not be able to endure that kind of attitude, so be warned. You are not your friends and your husband isn’t theirs.

From this early stage, learn to read and study your husband like a book. Learn where his comma, semi-colon, exclamation, paragraph and full stops are. You must know from the beginning where to underline in bold letter in his character and where to highlight and where to run the normal typeface. This would help you a great deal to know what he won’t tolerate and what he would let go. This way you are able to give your relationship pure character and build up a history of perseverance, friendship, patience, care, friendship, tolerance, respect, responsibility, sacrifices, selflessness, bravery, trust, strength, loyalty and prayers.

Without you knowing who he is, you won’t be able to know how you can fuse your personality into his. You must make up your mind the role you want to give your husband in the house. Some women believe they must occupy the same position as their husbands in the home hence refuse to submit to the authority of the man. They insist on sharing house chores with their husbands. Others think because they are in positions of leadership and authority in their places of work, their husbands too must submit to them at home while the more sensible women allow their husbands function in their God given positions as heads of the home even when they, the women are the ones really providing for the homes.

The last group of women is made up of the wise women. They know that the male ego needs constant massaging and have mastered the act of using respect to win their husbands completely over so much so they can get the husband to perform any task for them without even saying it. With humility, care and respect, a wise woman charms her husband into total submission. It works faster than any charm at keeping the man at home and interested in the marriage. Humility is making him feel like a king anytime he steps into his home, no matter the stress he has been through in the office.

Therefore, the role you give your husband to play in the house would go a long way in determining how long your marriage would last, as well as the quality of peace you will have in your home. Submitting to one’s husband isn’t demeaning as some women think and have unwittingly led others to think. Even when a man has nothing to offer by way of finance, he remains the head of his family hence his wife must at all times give him the much needed respect for him to function in full capacity.

So be clear on what position you want your husband to occupy in your life and marriage.

As your husband and leader, you must, even when it hurts, accord him his respect, especially when there is an audience. By managing your temper, you shut the doors of your marriage against external influences and manipulations. Not everybody who comes to settle a dispute is interested in positive settlement. A lot of times some people come with the agenda to destroy so be careful who you report issues concerning your home to. From the beginning learn to rely more on God than anyone else because the marriage institution is one of His works of six days. He only can intervene positively.

To be your husband’s friend, don’t nag, instead discus with him. Avoid comparing him with others; make unreasonable demands you know he has no way of meeting. Get interested in the things he enjoys, his friends and work. Praise him when he deserves to be praised, compliment his outfit and when he looks exceptionally good, buy him gifts even when it is not his birthday or your anniversary. This way you tell him without saying it that he is the centre of your world and that even when you are not together, thoughts of him are permanently etched on your mind.

This is what makes the difference between sex and lovemaking. When you are both friends, you are able to communicate very well in the bedroom, accept suggestions for improvement without anger or suspicions. As friends, you have the confidence to explore each other’s body without inhibitions or fear of being branded as being too exposed. When all the stops imposed by fear of what your partner would say about your moral values are removed, what you have is quality lovemaking and not sex. Whereas sex is just satisfying the physical, lovemaking is a meeting of the soul, spirit and body. This is why some couples, no matter how much they quarrel, will always find a way of settling their differences.

To get it right, don’t ever be shy to tell him what you want and how you want it. Always remember that he is your only partner and that if you allow him short-charge you in the bedroom, you will be the one to suffer emotional frustration.

A good wife must be able to cook the kind of food her husband likes so, learn how to cook his local meals; the kind his mother cooked for him when he was growing up. His mother remains your best teacher so go to her and beg her to teach you those things that will always make her son happy. Mothers-in-law are not always the monsters they are presented. When approached with respect, patience, friendship and humility, you can win her over.

Let her know you have no intentions of replacing her in the life of her son but to support her to ensure her son remains happy and the centre of her world. Seeing the efforts you are making to learn how to cook his meals, learn his language and his cultures would thaw whatever suspicions and misgivings she may have against the union.

Like his family members, learn to respect his friends. You don’t have to be friends with all of them but train yourself to accommodate them just like he must also accommodate your friends.

Keep his home clean, ensure you don’t delegate issues concerning him to anybody; for instance, his meals, clothes and personal effects are your sole business. This is why you are his wife.

Don’t allow marriage rob you of your sense of fashion not even when the children start coming. You must always remain fashionable if you intend keeping your husband interested in you. Like wise always pay attention to your personal hygiene. It is important as a woman to ensure he doesn’t get tempted by the many daughters of Eve out there.

And when the children come, always have time for him. Remember he came before those children hence should not be edged away when the children come. It is a fatal mistake many women have made to their regrets.

Above all, learn to pray and discuss issues concerning your home with God always.

 

Good luck.

Spinster’s Night Goodbye Affair With My Ex Now Threatens Our Union

Dear Agatha,

What I am about to share with you is shameful and very complex indeed. Yet it is a situation that I can no longer handle on my own due to the several implications of what I have done.

I got married five months ago. On the night of my spinster’s party, I agreed for the last time to sleep with the man I was to marry. I knew I wasn’t too safe but I did anyway without using protection. We didn’t get married because my parents didn’t like him due to his family background.

My mother as a matter of fact called him a gold digger, hence the recourse to my second boyfriend at the time. Although he is okay, but my heart and soul belong firmly to the former.

Unfortunately, the car conveying my husband and I home from the reception venue of our wedding ceremony had an accident. Nothing happened to me but he was injured that he had to spend the first month of our wedding in the hospital. We didn’t get to consummate our wedding until about six weeks after. And before then, we hadn’t made love for almost three weeks because of the wedding preparations. I menstruated three days after we made love.

At first, I didn’t know the signs of malaria I thought I was having nothing to do with pregnancy. Knowing the phobia I have for hospitals and doctors, I ignored his prompting to go for malaria tests after self-treatment appeared to be ineffective.

Eventually I was forced to go to the family doctor when it became very obvious that it was more than I can handle. It was there I discovered I was pregnant.

From the date of the pregnancy I knew without being told that it wasn’t my husband’s.

Since my husband was waiting to hear the results of the test, especially since I can’t keep the information about the pregnancy away from him, I told him. He was happy. I had to lie about the age of the pregnancy to give me time to think of what to do with it.

Agatha, from that date, I am five months gone. Even as I write, my flow hasn’t stopped. The doctors say in some women, it is normal. I have gone to another doctor, a good friend of mine who in the past helped me out of difficult situations like this to terminate this pregnancy, but declined, recalling the warning given me the last time I did. He told me I would be lucky to get pregnant again and that if I did, it might be my only chance of having a child as my womb has become weak due to repeated abortions. He also said I could die if I attempted aborting this child.

I went to see another medical friend of mine who also confirmed what he said after examining me.

My worry is what do I tell my husband when the baby is born full term? Even if I succeed in lying to him about the age of the baby, I can’t deceive his mother, a retired matron, as well as his elder sister, a doctor.

I love my former boyfriend and would always love him, but don’t want to lose the influence of my husband’s family. His family name is one that will help open very difficult doors and help me build my home interior business.

Agatha, how do I get out of this before I am found out? Do I insist he is the father of the child citing the time before the wedding as the time I conceived the child? I want time to establish myself before saying anything about the paternity of the child. Please I need help.

Timilehin.

 

 

Dear Timilehin,

I can only advise someone whose mind is really seeking help, one ready to listen to the voice of reason, not one whose mind is made up and has an agenda to accomplish. From all indices, you have made up your mind on what to do so why bother seeking counselling?

Much as I suspect you will not take to it, I want you to consider the interest of your unborn child who at the end would be the victim of your manipulations. This child may never forgive you for denying it the right to the father and the peace of its security.

From all that you have said, you are not in love with either of these men. Yes, you may have deeper feelings for your former boyfriend, but not enough to make any form of sacrifices for him or what you both shared. In the first place, you wouldn’t have allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry another man if what you feel for your boyfriend ever ran deep. You left him because you saw an opportunity to enhance yourself economically through the influence of your husband’s name.

The first step to finding a meaningful solution to your problem is to admit the truth to yourself. Be bold enough to declare what you really want from life. This way, it would be easier for you to make or accept meaningful solutions.

Between this child’s happiness and the material gains you hope to have through this family, which one do you think would be more beneficial to you at the end, the coldness of money or the warm love of your child?

It is essential you begin to think about all those tomorrows when the decisions of today would begin to bear fruits. Although the doctors are not God, but what if this child eventually turns out to be yours, can you withstand the consequences of this child rejecting you and everything you represent?

Yes, the attraction of his family’s wealth and influence may look great now, but what if they discover you to be fraud before you even have the time to tap into their wealth and power? Don’t forget the mother being an experienced matron can tell with expert eyes the age of a pregnancy, so also can the elder sister, a doctor. Has it occurred to you that they can let drop the age of the pregnancy in the presence of your husband who in turn will argue that you are not that far gone given the age of the pregnancy you gave him?

Do you know this could instigate suspicions from your husband and in-laws and a reconfirmation examination ordered. What about the doctor, he too can easily divulge the information you are trying so hard to keep to your husband since he has no way of knowing what you are trying to keep from your husband.

He has as much right to ask the doctor for information about his child as you. In the first place, the doctor who confirmed you pregnant is a family doctor, one known to him and possibly his whole family. There is little information concerning your medical history that you can keep away from your husband and his people if they want it. You can only keep such information from him if he were a boyfriend, not the one picking the medical bills.

Because you have already lied about the age of the pregnancy, there is no way you can insist on another age and make him accept. The fact that you came straight from the hospital and gave him the age of pregnancy would make it difficult for him to accept you made a mistake. So, forget that line you are contemplating because it would only expose the more what you are trying to hide.

Even if he wanted to listen to you before, forgive you and cover up your shame, the fact that you were ready to lie your way through his life, foist someone else’s child on him, and also force him into living with all your past mistakes as well as denying the chance of having a child of his own through your own careless living, would at the end make pardon difficult for him to grant you.

Whether you tell him now or not, he would still find out the truth so why not face it now by telling him while you still have the chance of going back to your former boyfriend? He may not have the money your husband’s family has now, but with your support and love; he may come to be richer and more influential than you ever imagined.

Yes, you took a careless and costly decision, but it would be more fatal if you refuse to face the consequences of your mistake now. If for nothing else let him remember you as one brave woman instead of a gold-digger, one who is only interested in his money and not in his welfare.

Open up to him. The worst that can happen is for him to withdraw his interest from the marriage. But if both of you are destined to be together, you will both find a way of resolving the issue between the two of you. Most men are ready to cooperate with the women in their lives provided the woman is honest. By giving him the right to make a choice, you free yourself from the repercussion of his anger and rejection.

What will destroy you isn’t the fact that you are carrying another man’s child, but your dishonesty. God will grant you the strength to do what is right.

Good luck.

Between Funding Our Wedding And My Studies

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your advice and concerns. I am in my early 30s in a relationship leading to marriage. My fiancé and I are so much in love. He has introduced me to his parents and relatives. He is a graduate while I am not, but it has never bothered him since I am willing to continue my education after our wedding. But the problem now is that he is not buoyant enough to sponsor this wedding. I am working and buoyant, he is asking for my help. Please Agatha, tell me what to do because I’m confused.

Kate.

Dear Kate,

Why the confusion? Don’t you love and trust him? If he is serious and you are sure he cannot afford the luxury of a big wedding, the most sensible thing to do is for both of you to sit down and discuss what you can both afford.

Marriage isn’t a rigid science where everything has to be done in a particular way. For it to survive, it must be dynamic and able to breathe freely. What makes marriage unique and interesting is the amount of trust and freedom a couple is willing to invest into it. There are no laws against a woman helping the man to pay for some of the marriage expenses if she has more money than him. Don’t forget you are both going into a lifetime partnership; one both of you must be willing always to invest the best of yourselves. You don’t give marriage less of what it deserves if you want it to succeed. You must be willing to make all the sacrifices for its survival. Marriage involves a lot of sacrifices and selflessness to make it work for both parties.

Depending on the kind of marriage you in particular have in mind, it may not require so much to make it happen. The first thing is to draw up a budget of the kind of wedding you will love to have and another budget of the kind of wedding you can both afford now.

Between the fantasy and reality budget, you will get an idea of how much is really necessary for both of you to tie the nuptial knot.

Bear in mind that there are so many things involved in the process of two people coming together and having a successful marriage. The wedding ceremony is only a process that leads to marriage. After the ceremony, comes the real road show. Don’t ever make the ceremony more important than the real thing. The moment you do that, you risk upsetting the entire process of getting married.

You also have to be careful that you don’t make your husband-to-be feel bad that he is unable to play his role effectively. Give him the confidence to trust in you and give you too all the support when the table turns in his favour too. Therefore, after drawing up the two budgets, sit down with your man to discuss what you both must do. The way you handle this seemingly simple task of funding the wedding would go a long way in giving him the much needed confidence to rely on you as his woman.

This is a test case for you; one to demonstrate that you know what marriage entails and that you are capable of coping with the many challenges that come with it.

Deep down I know the conflicts going on inside of you; the many questions you are asking yourself; don’t worry. Helping your man to sponsor the wedding ceremony doesn’t make you cheap or desperate either. It simply helps present you to this man as a dependable woman. Remember, you both have made the plans to marry; your families are aware of the relationship, hence nothing to be ashamed of if you make your resources available for this thing you long planned for.

If you don’t tell, nobody would know where the money is coming from. You won’t be the first woman or the last one to help her man pay for the wedding ceremony. More than he does, you are the one who needs the ceremony. Left to most men, they would rather limit themselves to paying the bride price and end the ceremony there, but women are the ones with the desire to expand the ceremony so the ball is now in your court to determine.

Don’t hesitate to do whatever has to be done to make you and your husband to be happy because marriage is a journey of give and take.

Good luck. 

Desperately Need Expert To Tend My Finger-problem

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious physiological problem that has
been bothering me. My fingernail’s beds are ugly and infected. In 2005, I had a fingernail bed infection, the kind that separates the nail from its bed. It was so serious that I had to cut off the nails from the beds. This condition continued up till last year and when it became too much, I had to cut off the nails on seven of my fingers. Unfortunately, they refused to grow properly again. They have become some sorts of embarrassment to me because I’m a
university student.

I have taken to hiding my fingers from prying eyes. Agatha, is it true that I can put artificial nail graft on them abroad through surgery and also remove some marks on my body? I haven’t seen anywhere it is done in Nigeria or can I? Why is my case different?

Chinonso.                                                                                              

 

Dear Chinonso,

From what I read about your condition, known medically as Onycholysis, you were careless in the handling of the infection.

Had you paid more attention to the infection from the beginning, you would have saved yourself from the pains and embarrassment happening to you now.

Though nail disorders are judged differently from skin diseases, symptoms and treatment vary. Onycholysis is a deformity of the nails that require medical attention sometimes.

Onycholysis is a loosening of the exposed portion of the nail from the nail bed, usually beginning at the free edge and continuing to the lunula. This nail disorder is often linked to an internal disorder, trauma, infection, nail fungi, allergy to nail enhancement products or to the side effects of drugs taken by the afflicted person. Onycholysis is a very common problem and involves a painless separation of the nail from the nail bed. Onycholysis is a warning sign of skin disease, an infection or the result of injury, but most cases are seen in women with long fingernails.

One way of determining that Onycholysis has set in is to check for signs of discolouration underneath the nail since this may occur as a result of secondary infection. The painless and spontaneous separation of the nail plate starts at the distal free margin and gradually progresses proximally. Larger portion of the nail may become opaque, get whitened or discoloured to yellow or green and this calls for medical attention.

If the cause of Onycholysis is fungal infection, mere examination alone will not be enough to tell it apart and a test for fungus may be called for. Use of strong medications like Tetracycline, Minocycline, Naproxen make a person abnormally sensitive to light and such persons are at risk of getting sunburn under the nails, which causes Onycholysis. In extremely rare cases, all the nails are affected and then it can be a sign of iron deficiency or thyroid over-activity.

If there is noticeable discolouration underneath the nail, the cause may be a secondary infection and this may require the people to take some antibiotics to rid themselves of the underlying cause. Since Onycholysis is usually painless and the separation occurs gradually, it is only in rare cases that a person may experience severe discomfort. This is linked to trauma or the setting in of active infection.

To treat the condition at home, it is recommended that a person regularly trims the nails to ensure they remain short and clean. Using a skin softening hand cream to nourish the nails and hands is of high benefit to the nails and skin.

If Onycholysis has set in due to nail biting, picking or tearing, the person can consider seeking psychological counselling to get the necessary encouragement and guidance to underlying problems to stop this behaviour.

To save you from further embarrassment on account of the ugliness of your nails, protect your hands from too much exposure to water. Water from washing clothes, plates and other house-works that require you to immerse your hands in water for too long only worsen the condition of your. Invest in quality hand gloves to help you arrest the condition of your fingers.

There are very good hospitals in the country that can successfully carry out grafting of the skin. If there is a teaching hospital where you are, go and make the necessary enquires. From there you will be appropriately directed on how to go about it.

To avoid a recurrence of the condition, be very alert to changes in your nail beds and be careful also about the kinds of nail extensions you do as well as how long you carry them. More often than not, problems to our nails come from poor handling of our hygiene as well as our health. There is a time frame attached to how long we get to wear some of the beauty enhancements women are fond of.

Good luck.

Erectile Dysfunction, Drug-free Remedy, Please

Dear Agatha,

Please advise me on what to do before it is too late. I have a problem of inability to sustain my erection. Each time I make love to my girlfriend, it is a struggle for me to last two minutes before ejaculation.

And to get it up again is even of greater struggle. Sometimes it takes me more than 30 minutes to get it up again. I know my girlfriend is only tolerating the situation; that she doesn’t like it at all. Most times I take drugs to make her happy, but for how long can I do this? I can’t continue on drugs any time I want to make love with my girl.

Please advise me on what to do. How do I get out of this problem?

Biafra.

 

Dear Biafra,

So many factors could be responsible for your condition, but I will restrict myself to the possible psychological reasons you are having this problem.

One, what is your state of mind? Have you ever had a lengthier erection than you are having now? If yes, when did it start? Can you remember? Are you having some sorts of unresolved problems causing you so much stress as well as putting a very heavy burden on you?

Most times when a man is having difficulties in his office or finances, it affects his ability to relax completely to give his partner quality time in the bedroom. If this is your case, even though difficult, you must learn to leave whatever it is that is troubling your mind outside your bedroom to prevent the greater challenge of you having to deal with emotional problems in your relationship. To ensure this doesn’t happen, give your girlfriend the free rein to take the lead in the bedroom. It will save you the burden of leading and using your imagination.

As the leader, the onus would be on her to see to your satisfaction; treat you to all those extras that make lovemaking beautiful. However, in doing this, you must have an opened mind about her ways as well as the knowledge of her expertise because the moment you begin to doubt her, raise questions concerning her experience and expertise, you unwittingly close the door against whatever help she has to offer in making this moment less stressful for you.

Don’t allow your male ego stop you from admitting to your limitations to her. If you don’t, she would eventually get frustrated and move on with her life, but if you court her help, she would develop the necessary understanding and patience to explore other ways to make it happen for both of you.

Giving her the lead in the bedroom is just the first part; the second part is to explain to her why you are having problems being your normal premium self. She has to know what is happening in your official life, your finances and in your mind to know how far and long you would need her help. It is also a way of ensuring she doesn’t begin to think that your performance is based on lose of interest in her or the presence of another woman.

If no, it means this is the way you are, hence must find other ways of ensuring you manage the situation. In this kind of situation, it is also important you take your woman along. Let the woman in your life know what to expect in the bedroom. I know it sounds unrealistic, but when a woman is trusted with such information by the man she likes, she ends up being very supportive.

Since it isn’t a case of you not having erections at all, concentrate more on foreplay. Get almost to her peak before going into her to ensure both of you climax at the same time. If you use a lot of your imagination, she won’t even notice you have the problem of sustainability.

The difference between successful lovemaking and failed one is the amount of imagination a couple puts to play. A man may have the strength of a horse but if lacking in incentives, he still won’t be able to please the woman in his life. 
Therefore, the problem isn’t in your strength, but with your inability to be adventurous.

Desist from taking performance enhancing drugs, because they will only worsen your case at the end of the day. Your imagination will achieve more than these drugs can do.

However, there is still the need for you to seek medical help from a qualified doctor to rule out any permanent damage.

Good luck.

 

Need Retroviral Drugs, Doctor Says I’m HIV-positive

 

Dear Agatha,

Please, I need advice and help urgently. Three weeks ago, I had fever and cough, and decided to take some familiar malaria tablets. Despite taking the drugs, my condition didn’t improve so I decided to go to see a doctor. After explaining my state of health to the doctor, he recommended some drugs for me.  Again I noticed these drugs did nothing to ameliorate my critical health situation, therefore I went to see another doctor who then sent me for medical tests. There again, I was told I had malaria parasites. 

Since none of the drugs recommended did anything to reduce my high temperature, I decided on my own to go for HIV test, which turned out positive. I am very confused and disturbed because my partner with whom I have been sexually active is negative.  We have resolved to first of all seek medical solutions before going spiritual, prayers. We both live in Aba. Please can you connect us to any place we can get the retroviral drugs and other necessary counselling?

 Mercy. mercymemere@yahoo.com

Dear Mercy, 

I don’t know what obtains in Aba, but most government hospitals across the country in addition to giving free HIV test services; provide treatments almost at no cost too. 

To be sure you have HIV, go to any nearest government hospital and go for a test. There have been instances of someone people confirmed to be HIV positive turning out to be free of the deadly virus. 

It is therefore advisable you and your mate go for another test in a government hospital to forestall the unnecessary anxiety caused by wrong diagnosis. If at the end of the day you are found to be positive, always have this at the back of your mind, unlike some few years back, when HIV was considered by both the society and the families of the person living with it as being the end of the world; a lot advancement has been made medically to make the disease more manageable. And very soon, the drugs to completely cure it would be available in the market. The retroviral drugs, in the interim, are effectively helping to give the person a normal life.  Even though there is still massive discrimination going on against HIV positive people, the government is as determined as ever to make life more meaningful and normal for those who are living with it. 

Medically, it is possible for women living positively to have children who are HIV free. As with every other health condition, even the most common and harmless, cold, good and prompt management is always required to water down the negative effects of whatever health condition one is having. 

If you are finally diagnosed as being HIV positive, try not to panic or do something foolish. Always appreciate that life is a phase and that God will never give a burden too difficult for His child to bear. Also refuse to be condemned by the society who thinks all HIV positive people are promiscuous, hence suffering the consequences of their lifestyle. In life if you allow the world to put you down, chances of you ever getting up again to your feet are slim. So from this early learn to fight for what makes you exceptionally happy. Just like everyone else, be assured you have a right to be happy irrespective of whatever your health situation is. Despite the stigma that goes with HIV, there are some other medical situations with more physical excruciating pains than HIV. HIV is more psychological than physical. Once able to get over the shock, the rest is a lot easier than you think.

Seeking spiritual help isn’t a problem provided you are broadminded of the situation. God can cure us of all our afflictions and diseases, but some He purposely allows us go through to serve a particular purpose either in our lives or that of others around us. 

The most important thing is allowing His will prevail in everything we do. For help and more counselling, you can call Toyin in Owerri on 0803-600-1934 or Bunmi, Port Harcourt, 0803-710-4250; they are members of the Hope Worldwide, a support group that offers tremendous help and services to people living with HIV or Rolake, Lagos, 0803-303-5895.

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,
I was particularly drawn to the request made by Fred in today’s edition, who seeks a woman friendship.
I was kind of enthralled at his presentation, as he seems to me to be someone who knows what he wants. 
The qualities he highlighted are to me the very pillars of great and enduring relationship. 
I would like to know him more and see if we could be great friends to each other. 
Since there is no direct contact to him, and since he wants to be reached through your medium, could you then please let him have my email address: davids.diana@yahoo.com
Would be very glad for your assistance. 
Peace.

Dear Fred, 

Please get in touch with Peace. 

My Ex Returns With Pregnancy

Dear Agatha,

After three years of us breaking up and going our different ways, my ex girlfriend and I ran into each other around June last year. I was just coming out of the relationship I went into when I broke up with her. She too was between boyfriends. One thing led to another and we made up with each other again. Around October, she suddenly left without telling me anything. I tried getting in touch with her but her phones weren’t going through.

After a while, I gave up on her and decided to move on with my life with the girl I broke up with who had also come to beg me.

Now, my former girlfriend is back with an almost eight months old pregnancy claiming I am responsible. She said she left when she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, but nothing she did worked.

She now decided to stay back with her maternal aunty who accepted to look after her and the pregnancy. She said she came to inform me of her state not because she wanted me to do anything I didn’t want to do but that it is fair for me to know I have a child somewhere.

To be frank, she is one woman that I have come to love dearly. I caused the problem the first time in our relationship. I was never sufficient with one woman, but now age is no longer on my side.

My current relationship is one I never intended to last this long. I stayed with her because I actually thought something good would come out of it but as each goes by, I am getting more convinced that she isn’t the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

But the thing is, how do I convince my former girlfriend that I am sorry and want her in my life? How do I tell her my life isn’t worth anything without her?

When I tried to explain to her the need for her to come back to me, she refused saying she can’t cope with my kind of person; that other women will never allow her to fully enjoy me as her husband. She said it was one of the reasons she tried to abort the pregnancy and keep away from me. Unknown to me, my present girlfriend had sent her a text message warning her to stay off me.

Agatha, please tell me how to win her back, convince her that I mean well and that with or without this baby she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Tobias.

 

Dear Tobias,

There is no doubting the fact that from the way she has behaved so far, she is also in love with you, but very afraid of coming back to you given her past experiences with you.

You will also agree with me that there is no way she can decide whether to come back to you or not. The matter has gone out of her hands, given the sympathy and support her family, her aunty especially has demonstrated so far.

To come back to you without getting things properly sorted out will be putting the cart before the horse. Once bitten they say twice shy. There is no way she will ever take you seriously if you still have another woman who is busy sending warning texts to her to stay off you. To have her back in your life and give her all the assurances she needs now in her condition and thereafter, you must end your current relationship immediately. Seeing there is no other woman in your life who will give her some level of confidence to begin to think of you as more than a father of her unborn baby.

There is no way she can take you seriously while the other girl is around you especially going by your past history. She has told you the reason she isn’t overjoyed at coming back to you; fear of other women as well as the required peace to enjoy her man. 

What she actually needs from you is assurance that you will care and love her as well as have the benefit of your undivided attention.

Take the initiative of going to her aunty to meet with her, own up to the paternity of the unborn baby, thank her for her trust in her niece as well as the understanding she has shown since your girlfriend got pregnant.

Ensure you are a regular visitor to her aunty. When going, get someone, perhaps your mother to follow you to meet with her aunty.  Between them, they would eventually be able to convince her to come back to you.

It is also imperative you find a way of letting her know that you still would have wanted her for keeps even without the baby; that her being pregnant is just an added bonus. She has to know that more than anything else, she means so much to you.

Sincerely, a lot would depend on how well you are able to communicate the depth of your love to her through care and devotion.

Good luck. 

I Want My In-laws Out Of My Life

Dear Agatha,

May God continue to bless you with wisdom and understanding as you give many people heavenly advice. I have been meaning to write you for ages but didn’t know how to go about it.

I got married nearly 10 years ago. Unfortunately, I can’t claim my marriage is a happy one. I met my husband through a friend of his who lives abroad like me. My husband joined us later.

But for the grace of God, I would have left him within three months of him joining me here. Not long after we got married, I realised that my husband was no better than a 16-year-old boy. I had to practically play the role of a mother to him.

I also discovered he had lied about his age. When we met, he told me he was a year older than I am but found out when he was filling his segment of our marriage form at the registry that we were one month apart in age.

I was a bit angry at first but decided age had nothing to do with love.  I had to force him to get a job and completely refused to further his education, which would have helped his prospects here.  I noticed he was always showing attributes of someone living somebody else’s life.

Out of worry, I have severally called his parents separately to report the things I noticed in him to them but none of them in all these years seem to bother. His mother is always blaming it on laziness on the part of my husband. Even though I knew something was very wrong somewhere, I just didn’t know what it was but I just knew it was more of a spiritual problem.

Having lived with him for close to 10 years, I knew it wasn’t normal for a man to lack the will to do anything or have a plan for his family. We are both close to 40 years of age and I know for sure that he doesn’t drink excessively or cheat on me; but we are always fighting and don’t agree on any matter. This became more pronounced after our third child, which turned out to be a blessing for me.

Since marrying him, I have never enjoyed this marriage. Even when I am heavily pregnant, I still have to work otherwise the family would suffer from lack.

Initially, I thought his parents were the kind that simply do not care until I began to go into inexplicable debts. It was becoming too much for me and since I could not bear the burden of the whole situation any longer, a friend of mine then advised that I seek spiritual help. The woman of God I went to said I should go into three days fasting with prayers. I decided to add vigil and some deliverance psalms.

At the end of the exercise, I got some shocking revelations, which over 10 men of God in different locations gave the same meaning. My in-laws were responsible for my husband’s predicament. Being their first born, they had each traded with his star. His mother was said to have done it first while his father followed later.

They had also taken steps to make him unable to act even if he finds out the truth concerning what they had done. I was very pained in my spirit because I have done everything to please my husband and his family. Now passion runs deep. I developed a deep hatred for them and I am currently taking the prayers of these men of God to make my heart thaw towards him and even talk to him.

To say my parents-in-law disappointed me is putting the issue mildly. It is like a scene off the many Nigerian movies I have watched. My husband also eventually did his own investigation and found out that what I told him about his parents was the truth even though sometimes he doubts the ability of his parents to go that far.

I feel for him and myself because they have managed to drag us back from where we ought to be but I know now that God is in control because we are now very prayerful.

I don’t want to have anything to do with them again. What do you think I should do regarding this situation? They live in Nigeria and we live abroad. I am too saddened by this.

Concerned Woman.

 

Dear Concerned Woman,

God says in every situation we should learn to give Him all the glory. Be grateful to God that He pointed you at the right direction to go and for revealing the things done to you.

Had He not, what would you have done? Continue to grope in the dark? There are some people who have your kind of problems but are still struggling to know where they are coming from or those responsible. God may have decided to show you because of the state of your heart as well as your disposition to your in-laws. to now play god for the simple reason that God showed you where the arrow is coming from is to shut the doors of heavens against yourself.

Rather than change in attitude against them, continue to relate with them the way you have been doing. The battle isn’t yours to fight but that of God. Trust him completely with your life as well as your husband’s. He showed you those things not for you to take on the battle yourself but to help guide you aright.

Since you live abroad and your parents-in-law live in Nigeria, there is nothing to bring you and them together unless you decide to come home. So the issue of you avoiding them doesn’t arise since the distance between you and them has already done that. What you owe them is simply a phone call from time to time to ensure they are okay and when you can, send them whatever you can afford. The essence is simply to fulfil all righteousness because one day you would become a mother-in-law to somebody. Irrespective of whatever they did to their son, ensure you don’t pay them evil for evil because life has a way of reminding us at every critical time decisions we took in anger and haste. You wouldn’t want your daughter-in-law to deny you of your rights as your son’s mother, would you? No matter how much he hates his parents now, they remain his parents and one day would be forced by situation to reconcile with them but you may not be given that chance. So be careful how you dabble into this matter.

Rather than concentrate on seeking revenge from your parents-in-law on what they did to your husband, devote more time to ensuring your husband is completely free from the spiritual bondage he is in and which you have married into. If your husband is able to pull himself out of the spiritual bondage, life would be a lot easier on you. Not only would both of you stop fighting, you will be able to relax from engaging yourself in many strenuous job you are currently doing for the family to survive.

This should be more of your concern now and not what his parents did to him. Go into another series of prayers and fasting to ensure your husband is totally out of the woods. It isn’t too late for him to go back to school; encourage him to get a job that will help lessen the burden on you and buy him back his respect as the man of the house. I am sure part of the problem in your marriage has to do with the fact that you are the one bringing in most of the money. If he was also contributing, you won’t be too irritated by him or pick up quarrels with him at will. This is what happens when a woman is bringing in all the money while the man sits at home. You may not realise it, but you are becoming short-fussed due to the burdens on you.

Ring him with prayers and give him all the spiritual support you need to enjoy your marriage. This is what you need now more than anything else.

 

Good luck.