Between Funding Our Wedding And My Studies

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your advice and concerns. I am in my early 30s in a relationship leading to marriage. My fiancé and I are so much in love. He has introduced me to his parents and relatives. He is a graduate while I am not, but it has never bothered him since I am willing to continue my education after our wedding. But the problem now is that he is not buoyant enough to sponsor this wedding. I am working and buoyant, he is asking for my help. Please Agatha, tell me what to do because I’m confused.

Kate.

Dear Kate,

Why the confusion? Don’t you love and trust him? If he is serious and you are sure he cannot afford the luxury of a big wedding, the most sensible thing to do is for both of you to sit down and discuss what you can both afford.

Marriage isn’t a rigid science where everything has to be done in a particular way. For it to survive, it must be dynamic and able to breathe freely. What makes marriage unique and interesting is the amount of trust and freedom a couple is willing to invest into it. There are no laws against a woman helping the man to pay for some of the marriage expenses if she has more money than him. Don’t forget you are both going into a lifetime partnership; one both of you must be willing always to invest the best of yourselves. You don’t give marriage less of what it deserves if you want it to succeed. You must be willing to make all the sacrifices for its survival. Marriage involves a lot of sacrifices and selflessness to make it work for both parties.

Depending on the kind of marriage you in particular have in mind, it may not require so much to make it happen. The first thing is to draw up a budget of the kind of wedding you will love to have and another budget of the kind of wedding you can both afford now.

Between the fantasy and reality budget, you will get an idea of how much is really necessary for both of you to tie the nuptial knot.

Bear in mind that there are so many things involved in the process of two people coming together and having a successful marriage. The wedding ceremony is only a process that leads to marriage. After the ceremony, comes the real road show. Don’t ever make the ceremony more important than the real thing. The moment you do that, you risk upsetting the entire process of getting married.

You also have to be careful that you don’t make your husband-to-be feel bad that he is unable to play his role effectively. Give him the confidence to trust in you and give you too all the support when the table turns in his favour too. Therefore, after drawing up the two budgets, sit down with your man to discuss what you both must do. The way you handle this seemingly simple task of funding the wedding would go a long way in giving him the much needed confidence to rely on you as his woman.

This is a test case for you; one to demonstrate that you know what marriage entails and that you are capable of coping with the many challenges that come with it.

Deep down I know the conflicts going on inside of you; the many questions you are asking yourself; don’t worry. Helping your man to sponsor the wedding ceremony doesn’t make you cheap or desperate either. It simply helps present you to this man as a dependable woman. Remember, you both have made the plans to marry; your families are aware of the relationship, hence nothing to be ashamed of if you make your resources available for this thing you long planned for.

If you don’t tell, nobody would know where the money is coming from. You won’t be the first woman or the last one to help her man pay for the wedding ceremony. More than he does, you are the one who needs the ceremony. Left to most men, they would rather limit themselves to paying the bride price and end the ceremony there, but women are the ones with the desire to expand the ceremony so the ball is now in your court to determine.

Don’t hesitate to do whatever has to be done to make you and your husband to be happy because marriage is a journey of give and take.

Good luck. 

Desperately Need Expert To Tend My Finger-problem

Dear Agatha,

I have a serious physiological problem that has
been bothering me. My fingernail’s beds are ugly and infected. In 2005, I had a fingernail bed infection, the kind that separates the nail from its bed. It was so serious that I had to cut off the nails from the beds. This condition continued up till last year and when it became too much, I had to cut off the nails on seven of my fingers. Unfortunately, they refused to grow properly again. They have become some sorts of embarrassment to me because I’m a
university student.

I have taken to hiding my fingers from prying eyes. Agatha, is it true that I can put artificial nail graft on them abroad through surgery and also remove some marks on my body? I haven’t seen anywhere it is done in Nigeria or can I? Why is my case different?

Chinonso.                                                                                              

 

Dear Chinonso,

From what I read about your condition, known medically as Onycholysis, you were careless in the handling of the infection.

Had you paid more attention to the infection from the beginning, you would have saved yourself from the pains and embarrassment happening to you now.

Though nail disorders are judged differently from skin diseases, symptoms and treatment vary. Onycholysis is a deformity of the nails that require medical attention sometimes.

Onycholysis is a loosening of the exposed portion of the nail from the nail bed, usually beginning at the free edge and continuing to the lunula. This nail disorder is often linked to an internal disorder, trauma, infection, nail fungi, allergy to nail enhancement products or to the side effects of drugs taken by the afflicted person. Onycholysis is a very common problem and involves a painless separation of the nail from the nail bed. Onycholysis is a warning sign of skin disease, an infection or the result of injury, but most cases are seen in women with long fingernails.

One way of determining that Onycholysis has set in is to check for signs of discolouration underneath the nail since this may occur as a result of secondary infection. The painless and spontaneous separation of the nail plate starts at the distal free margin and gradually progresses proximally. Larger portion of the nail may become opaque, get whitened or discoloured to yellow or green and this calls for medical attention.

If the cause of Onycholysis is fungal infection, mere examination alone will not be enough to tell it apart and a test for fungus may be called for. Use of strong medications like Tetracycline, Minocycline, Naproxen make a person abnormally sensitive to light and such persons are at risk of getting sunburn under the nails, which causes Onycholysis. In extremely rare cases, all the nails are affected and then it can be a sign of iron deficiency or thyroid over-activity.

If there is noticeable discolouration underneath the nail, the cause may be a secondary infection and this may require the people to take some antibiotics to rid themselves of the underlying cause. Since Onycholysis is usually painless and the separation occurs gradually, it is only in rare cases that a person may experience severe discomfort. This is linked to trauma or the setting in of active infection.

To treat the condition at home, it is recommended that a person regularly trims the nails to ensure they remain short and clean. Using a skin softening hand cream to nourish the nails and hands is of high benefit to the nails and skin.

If Onycholysis has set in due to nail biting, picking or tearing, the person can consider seeking psychological counselling to get the necessary encouragement and guidance to underlying problems to stop this behaviour.

To save you from further embarrassment on account of the ugliness of your nails, protect your hands from too much exposure to water. Water from washing clothes, plates and other house-works that require you to immerse your hands in water for too long only worsen the condition of your. Invest in quality hand gloves to help you arrest the condition of your fingers.

There are very good hospitals in the country that can successfully carry out grafting of the skin. If there is a teaching hospital where you are, go and make the necessary enquires. From there you will be appropriately directed on how to go about it.

To avoid a recurrence of the condition, be very alert to changes in your nail beds and be careful also about the kinds of nail extensions you do as well as how long you carry them. More often than not, problems to our nails come from poor handling of our hygiene as well as our health. There is a time frame attached to how long we get to wear some of the beauty enhancements women are fond of.

Good luck.

Erectile Dysfunction, Drug-free Remedy, Please

Dear Agatha,

Please advise me on what to do before it is too late. I have a problem of inability to sustain my erection. Each time I make love to my girlfriend, it is a struggle for me to last two minutes before ejaculation.

And to get it up again is even of greater struggle. Sometimes it takes me more than 30 minutes to get it up again. I know my girlfriend is only tolerating the situation; that she doesn’t like it at all. Most times I take drugs to make her happy, but for how long can I do this? I can’t continue on drugs any time I want to make love with my girl.

Please advise me on what to do. How do I get out of this problem?

Biafra.

 

Dear Biafra,

So many factors could be responsible for your condition, but I will restrict myself to the possible psychological reasons you are having this problem.

One, what is your state of mind? Have you ever had a lengthier erection than you are having now? If yes, when did it start? Can you remember? Are you having some sorts of unresolved problems causing you so much stress as well as putting a very heavy burden on you?

Most times when a man is having difficulties in his office or finances, it affects his ability to relax completely to give his partner quality time in the bedroom. If this is your case, even though difficult, you must learn to leave whatever it is that is troubling your mind outside your bedroom to prevent the greater challenge of you having to deal with emotional problems in your relationship. To ensure this doesn’t happen, give your girlfriend the free rein to take the lead in the bedroom. It will save you the burden of leading and using your imagination.

As the leader, the onus would be on her to see to your satisfaction; treat you to all those extras that make lovemaking beautiful. However, in doing this, you must have an opened mind about her ways as well as the knowledge of her expertise because the moment you begin to doubt her, raise questions concerning her experience and expertise, you unwittingly close the door against whatever help she has to offer in making this moment less stressful for you.

Don’t allow your male ego stop you from admitting to your limitations to her. If you don’t, she would eventually get frustrated and move on with her life, but if you court her help, she would develop the necessary understanding and patience to explore other ways to make it happen for both of you.

Giving her the lead in the bedroom is just the first part; the second part is to explain to her why you are having problems being your normal premium self. She has to know what is happening in your official life, your finances and in your mind to know how far and long you would need her help. It is also a way of ensuring she doesn’t begin to think that your performance is based on lose of interest in her or the presence of another woman.

If no, it means this is the way you are, hence must find other ways of ensuring you manage the situation. In this kind of situation, it is also important you take your woman along. Let the woman in your life know what to expect in the bedroom. I know it sounds unrealistic, but when a woman is trusted with such information by the man she likes, she ends up being very supportive.

Since it isn’t a case of you not having erections at all, concentrate more on foreplay. Get almost to her peak before going into her to ensure both of you climax at the same time. If you use a lot of your imagination, she won’t even notice you have the problem of sustainability.

The difference between successful lovemaking and failed one is the amount of imagination a couple puts to play. A man may have the strength of a horse but if lacking in incentives, he still won’t be able to please the woman in his life. 
Therefore, the problem isn’t in your strength, but with your inability to be adventurous.

Desist from taking performance enhancing drugs, because they will only worsen your case at the end of the day. Your imagination will achieve more than these drugs can do.

However, there is still the need for you to seek medical help from a qualified doctor to rule out any permanent damage.

Good luck.

 

Need Retroviral Drugs, Doctor Says I’m HIV-positive

 

Dear Agatha,

Please, I need advice and help urgently. Three weeks ago, I had fever and cough, and decided to take some familiar malaria tablets. Despite taking the drugs, my condition didn’t improve so I decided to go to see a doctor. After explaining my state of health to the doctor, he recommended some drugs for me.  Again I noticed these drugs did nothing to ameliorate my critical health situation, therefore I went to see another doctor who then sent me for medical tests. There again, I was told I had malaria parasites. 

Since none of the drugs recommended did anything to reduce my high temperature, I decided on my own to go for HIV test, which turned out positive. I am very confused and disturbed because my partner with whom I have been sexually active is negative.  We have resolved to first of all seek medical solutions before going spiritual, prayers. We both live in Aba. Please can you connect us to any place we can get the retroviral drugs and other necessary counselling?

 Mercy. mercymemere@yahoo.com

Dear Mercy, 

I don’t know what obtains in Aba, but most government hospitals across the country in addition to giving free HIV test services; provide treatments almost at no cost too. 

To be sure you have HIV, go to any nearest government hospital and go for a test. There have been instances of someone people confirmed to be HIV positive turning out to be free of the deadly virus. 

It is therefore advisable you and your mate go for another test in a government hospital to forestall the unnecessary anxiety caused by wrong diagnosis. If at the end of the day you are found to be positive, always have this at the back of your mind, unlike some few years back, when HIV was considered by both the society and the families of the person living with it as being the end of the world; a lot advancement has been made medically to make the disease more manageable. And very soon, the drugs to completely cure it would be available in the market. The retroviral drugs, in the interim, are effectively helping to give the person a normal life.  Even though there is still massive discrimination going on against HIV positive people, the government is as determined as ever to make life more meaningful and normal for those who are living with it. 

Medically, it is possible for women living positively to have children who are HIV free. As with every other health condition, even the most common and harmless, cold, good and prompt management is always required to water down the negative effects of whatever health condition one is having. 

If you are finally diagnosed as being HIV positive, try not to panic or do something foolish. Always appreciate that life is a phase and that God will never give a burden too difficult for His child to bear. Also refuse to be condemned by the society who thinks all HIV positive people are promiscuous, hence suffering the consequences of their lifestyle. In life if you allow the world to put you down, chances of you ever getting up again to your feet are slim. So from this early learn to fight for what makes you exceptionally happy. Just like everyone else, be assured you have a right to be happy irrespective of whatever your health situation is. Despite the stigma that goes with HIV, there are some other medical situations with more physical excruciating pains than HIV. HIV is more psychological than physical. Once able to get over the shock, the rest is a lot easier than you think.

Seeking spiritual help isn’t a problem provided you are broadminded of the situation. God can cure us of all our afflictions and diseases, but some He purposely allows us go through to serve a particular purpose either in our lives or that of others around us. 

The most important thing is allowing His will prevail in everything we do. For help and more counselling, you can call Toyin in Owerri on 0803-600-1934 or Bunmi, Port Harcourt, 0803-710-4250; they are members of the Hope Worldwide, a support group that offers tremendous help and services to people living with HIV or Rolake, Lagos, 0803-303-5895.

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,
I was particularly drawn to the request made by Fred in today’s edition, who seeks a woman friendship.
I was kind of enthralled at his presentation, as he seems to me to be someone who knows what he wants. 
The qualities he highlighted are to me the very pillars of great and enduring relationship. 
I would like to know him more and see if we could be great friends to each other. 
Since there is no direct contact to him, and since he wants to be reached through your medium, could you then please let him have my email address: davids.diana@yahoo.com
Would be very glad for your assistance. 
Peace.

Dear Fred, 

Please get in touch with Peace. 

My Ex Returns With Pregnancy

Dear Agatha,

After three years of us breaking up and going our different ways, my ex girlfriend and I ran into each other around June last year. I was just coming out of the relationship I went into when I broke up with her. She too was between boyfriends. One thing led to another and we made up with each other again. Around October, she suddenly left without telling me anything. I tried getting in touch with her but her phones weren’t going through.

After a while, I gave up on her and decided to move on with my life with the girl I broke up with who had also come to beg me.

Now, my former girlfriend is back with an almost eight months old pregnancy claiming I am responsible. She said she left when she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, but nothing she did worked.

She now decided to stay back with her maternal aunty who accepted to look after her and the pregnancy. She said she came to inform me of her state not because she wanted me to do anything I didn’t want to do but that it is fair for me to know I have a child somewhere.

To be frank, she is one woman that I have come to love dearly. I caused the problem the first time in our relationship. I was never sufficient with one woman, but now age is no longer on my side.

My current relationship is one I never intended to last this long. I stayed with her because I actually thought something good would come out of it but as each goes by, I am getting more convinced that she isn’t the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

But the thing is, how do I convince my former girlfriend that I am sorry and want her in my life? How do I tell her my life isn’t worth anything without her?

When I tried to explain to her the need for her to come back to me, she refused saying she can’t cope with my kind of person; that other women will never allow her to fully enjoy me as her husband. She said it was one of the reasons she tried to abort the pregnancy and keep away from me. Unknown to me, my present girlfriend had sent her a text message warning her to stay off me.

Agatha, please tell me how to win her back, convince her that I mean well and that with or without this baby she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Tobias.

 

Dear Tobias,

There is no doubting the fact that from the way she has behaved so far, she is also in love with you, but very afraid of coming back to you given her past experiences with you.

You will also agree with me that there is no way she can decide whether to come back to you or not. The matter has gone out of her hands, given the sympathy and support her family, her aunty especially has demonstrated so far.

To come back to you without getting things properly sorted out will be putting the cart before the horse. Once bitten they say twice shy. There is no way she will ever take you seriously if you still have another woman who is busy sending warning texts to her to stay off you. To have her back in your life and give her all the assurances she needs now in her condition and thereafter, you must end your current relationship immediately. Seeing there is no other woman in your life who will give her some level of confidence to begin to think of you as more than a father of her unborn baby.

There is no way she can take you seriously while the other girl is around you especially going by your past history. She has told you the reason she isn’t overjoyed at coming back to you; fear of other women as well as the required peace to enjoy her man. 

What she actually needs from you is assurance that you will care and love her as well as have the benefit of your undivided attention.

Take the initiative of going to her aunty to meet with her, own up to the paternity of the unborn baby, thank her for her trust in her niece as well as the understanding she has shown since your girlfriend got pregnant.

Ensure you are a regular visitor to her aunty. When going, get someone, perhaps your mother to follow you to meet with her aunty.  Between them, they would eventually be able to convince her to come back to you.

It is also imperative you find a way of letting her know that you still would have wanted her for keeps even without the baby; that her being pregnant is just an added bonus. She has to know that more than anything else, she means so much to you.

Sincerely, a lot would depend on how well you are able to communicate the depth of your love to her through care and devotion.

Good luck. 

I Want My In-laws Out Of My Life

Dear Agatha,

May God continue to bless you with wisdom and understanding as you give many people heavenly advice. I have been meaning to write you for ages but didn’t know how to go about it.

I got married nearly 10 years ago. Unfortunately, I can’t claim my marriage is a happy one. I met my husband through a friend of his who lives abroad like me. My husband joined us later.

But for the grace of God, I would have left him within three months of him joining me here. Not long after we got married, I realised that my husband was no better than a 16-year-old boy. I had to practically play the role of a mother to him.

I also discovered he had lied about his age. When we met, he told me he was a year older than I am but found out when he was filling his segment of our marriage form at the registry that we were one month apart in age.

I was a bit angry at first but decided age had nothing to do with love.  I had to force him to get a job and completely refused to further his education, which would have helped his prospects here.  I noticed he was always showing attributes of someone living somebody else’s life.

Out of worry, I have severally called his parents separately to report the things I noticed in him to them but none of them in all these years seem to bother. His mother is always blaming it on laziness on the part of my husband. Even though I knew something was very wrong somewhere, I just didn’t know what it was but I just knew it was more of a spiritual problem.

Having lived with him for close to 10 years, I knew it wasn’t normal for a man to lack the will to do anything or have a plan for his family. We are both close to 40 years of age and I know for sure that he doesn’t drink excessively or cheat on me; but we are always fighting and don’t agree on any matter. This became more pronounced after our third child, which turned out to be a blessing for me.

Since marrying him, I have never enjoyed this marriage. Even when I am heavily pregnant, I still have to work otherwise the family would suffer from lack.

Initially, I thought his parents were the kind that simply do not care until I began to go into inexplicable debts. It was becoming too much for me and since I could not bear the burden of the whole situation any longer, a friend of mine then advised that I seek spiritual help. The woman of God I went to said I should go into three days fasting with prayers. I decided to add vigil and some deliverance psalms.

At the end of the exercise, I got some shocking revelations, which over 10 men of God in different locations gave the same meaning. My in-laws were responsible for my husband’s predicament. Being their first born, they had each traded with his star. His mother was said to have done it first while his father followed later.

They had also taken steps to make him unable to act even if he finds out the truth concerning what they had done. I was very pained in my spirit because I have done everything to please my husband and his family. Now passion runs deep. I developed a deep hatred for them and I am currently taking the prayers of these men of God to make my heart thaw towards him and even talk to him.

To say my parents-in-law disappointed me is putting the issue mildly. It is like a scene off the many Nigerian movies I have watched. My husband also eventually did his own investigation and found out that what I told him about his parents was the truth even though sometimes he doubts the ability of his parents to go that far.

I feel for him and myself because they have managed to drag us back from where we ought to be but I know now that God is in control because we are now very prayerful.

I don’t want to have anything to do with them again. What do you think I should do regarding this situation? They live in Nigeria and we live abroad. I am too saddened by this.

Concerned Woman.

 

Dear Concerned Woman,

God says in every situation we should learn to give Him all the glory. Be grateful to God that He pointed you at the right direction to go and for revealing the things done to you.

Had He not, what would you have done? Continue to grope in the dark? There are some people who have your kind of problems but are still struggling to know where they are coming from or those responsible. God may have decided to show you because of the state of your heart as well as your disposition to your in-laws. to now play god for the simple reason that God showed you where the arrow is coming from is to shut the doors of heavens against yourself.

Rather than change in attitude against them, continue to relate with them the way you have been doing. The battle isn’t yours to fight but that of God. Trust him completely with your life as well as your husband’s. He showed you those things not for you to take on the battle yourself but to help guide you aright.

Since you live abroad and your parents-in-law live in Nigeria, there is nothing to bring you and them together unless you decide to come home. So the issue of you avoiding them doesn’t arise since the distance between you and them has already done that. What you owe them is simply a phone call from time to time to ensure they are okay and when you can, send them whatever you can afford. The essence is simply to fulfil all righteousness because one day you would become a mother-in-law to somebody. Irrespective of whatever they did to their son, ensure you don’t pay them evil for evil because life has a way of reminding us at every critical time decisions we took in anger and haste. You wouldn’t want your daughter-in-law to deny you of your rights as your son’s mother, would you? No matter how much he hates his parents now, they remain his parents and one day would be forced by situation to reconcile with them but you may not be given that chance. So be careful how you dabble into this matter.

Rather than concentrate on seeking revenge from your parents-in-law on what they did to your husband, devote more time to ensuring your husband is completely free from the spiritual bondage he is in and which you have married into. If your husband is able to pull himself out of the spiritual bondage, life would be a lot easier on you. Not only would both of you stop fighting, you will be able to relax from engaging yourself in many strenuous job you are currently doing for the family to survive.

This should be more of your concern now and not what his parents did to him. Go into another series of prayers and fasting to ensure your husband is totally out of the woods. It isn’t too late for him to go back to school; encourage him to get a job that will help lessen the burden on you and buy him back his respect as the man of the house. I am sure part of the problem in your marriage has to do with the fact that you are the one bringing in most of the money. If he was also contributing, you won’t be too irritated by him or pick up quarrels with him at will. This is what happens when a woman is bringing in all the money while the man sits at home. You may not realise it, but you are becoming short-fussed due to the burdens on you.

Ring him with prayers and give him all the spiritual support you need to enjoy your marriage. This is what you need now more than anything else.

 

Good luck.

She Lied On Oath To Foist Paternity Of Her Child On Me

Dear Agatha,

A girlfriend lied that I am the father of her child. The matter went to court and I accepted paternity of the child. 

Now she wants me to marry her. Do you think she is saying this because of the child?

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way she can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. One thing is to accept the paternity of a child, while it is completely another thing to accept marriage to her against your will. 

The question is what do you want? I cannot tell you to marry her or not because I don’t know her. You have your reasons for denying the paternity of the child and allowing the matter go to court before accepting responsibility of the same child. 

If you are not comfortable with her as a woman, why not exhibit boldness in telling her what you feel and why you think it must not always be her way? 

A court can force you to take responsibility for the child, because you slept with her. That on its own makes you liable for any pregnancy she claims to be yours, but no court in the world can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. 

This is because marriage is sacred, done in love for the purpose of peace and chastity of the society. 

Love, friendship, respect, trust, loyalty and faithfulness are some of the ingredients needed to have a peaceful home. From all you have said, it is obvious you don’t trust her at all else you wouldn’t have denied responsibility of the pregnancy since you slept with her. Even if you have reasons to suspect anything, the fact that you have been intimate with her would have made you accept the baby without allowing the court to decide on the matter. 

Given this antecedent there is no way you can ever have the sufficient trust to keep her in your home as a wife, at least not now. You must first of all get rid of the cobwebs of your mind.

 It is only after you have done this that you can think clearly and properly too. One thing is clear, if this woman wasn’t sure of her claims that you are the father of her child, she wouldn’t have allowed the matter go to court. For her to have done that means she is sure, so the problem has to do with your ability to trust her. If you are contemplating marrying her, you must first of all deal with the issue of your inability to trust her else it will be the bane of your union. 

If she wants you to marry her, it is only natural. Every woman, especially young and single, would always want to marry the man she has a child for because it saves her from having to explain to another man and his family why she didn’t marry the father of her child. Most women don’t want to have children for different men if they can help it.

But like I said, the decision has to come from you, not her. If fear was the reason you denied the baby at first, even if she is the one asking for marriage, it still behooves you to beg and ask for her forgiveness before either declining her offer or accepting it. 

As a man, you need to be more definite about your life. Stop leaving everything to chances. You must learn to take your life in your hands and stop leaving everything about you to chance. Nobody desirous of making it in life gives the freedom of decision on his or her life to another person. Put a stop to it and for once take driver seat and direct the ship of your life to where you want it to go.

The major challenge isn’t this girl, but you. The truth is you don’t want to take responsibility for anything; you want the decision to be taken for you so if it doesn’t work, you will have an excuse, an escape route to say, I didn’t want it but was forced into doing it. Life doesn’t work that way. If you want this girl, before someone else get interested in her, don’t delay in making up your mind known, declare your interest and stop playing games with your life, this girl’s as well as that innocent baby.

And if you are sure she isn’t the right one for you, sit her down to discuss the welfare of the child. The welfare of the child may be one of the reasons she is asking you to marry her. Once you assure her of the welfare of the child and demonstrate your sincerity to your commitment, she may have the confidence to move on without you. Your refusal to take on responsibility may be the reason she is demanding you marry her. 

Good luck.

I’m Falling For Her But She Double Dates

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your good work. My first relationship ended when the girl I was dating became pregnant with another man’s child. 

I met my new girlfriend after this. There is no doubting the fact that I love her very much, but the problem I have with her is that she has another boy in her life. 

Agatha, she is the kind of woman I need in my life and want a relationship with her. I see her everyday because she is my course mate at the university. 

I am confused. Please tell me what to do.       

Tony.

Dear Tony, 

How would you feel if this girl was your girlfriend and someone was trying to take her away from you? Better still, how did you feel when your ex-girlfriend got pregnant for another man while still dating her? I am sure you didn’t like the experience at all. What you don’t want to happen to you, don’t do it to another person. 

If for nothing else, respect this girl for having the guts to tell you the truth; for saving you from another heartbreak. 

And if indeed you are in love with her, make the sacrifice love entails, allow her be. True love isn’t forceful; it is selfless, brave and very considerate. Be brave and allow this young lady the freedom of conducting her relationship with her boyfriend. The best you can be to her for now is to be her friend. We all require good and trustworthy friends in our lives to help us through life’s many challenges. As a friend you stand a better chance of being around her longer than you would be as her partner. As a friend you get to enjoy better confidence, trust and loyalty than you would at this stage of your lives as a dating couple.

There are still many women you will meet in life and one special one you will love, who will make you wonder at what you saw in all these women you claim to be in love with. If the first one got pregnant for another man while dating her and the second says she isn’t interested because she has someone in her life, it means you are going for the wrong kind of women and might need to concentrate on other things first before coming back into a relationship.

Until you find that kind of woman, concentrate more on your studies and stop wasting precious time thinking of a girl who isn’t free to love you. Dating, relationship and being in love don’t go out of fashion, but there is a convenient time to go to school. Once you pass the stage, acquiring education becomes a huge struggle since you will be doing it on a time allocated by nature to something else. It isn’t always easy to combine education with growing a family or working.

So make hay while the sun is still shining. Good luck. 

I’m Ignorant Of Free Days After Ovulation Period

Dear Agatha,

I’m one of your regular readers. Please help me solve this problem. I’m a lady of 28 years, an undergraduate, who lost her virginity at 23. I have undergone three different abortions for one man, but my problem is that I don’t know when I’m free. Please tell me, when am I free after menstruating?  How do I know my ovulation period? 

Amara.

Dear Amara,

How many days are you? To give you a near accurate calendar, you must first establish whether you are a 28, 30, 32 or over 35-day menstrual cycle. The average calendar for most women is 28-day, but some have lengthier calendar days. Get a notebook and enter your date for a period of six months. Doing so would give you a clear picture of your cycle. Thereafter it would be easy to calculate your ovulation period as well as your free days.  Begin counting from the first day of your menses to the 10th day after, if you are a 28-day woman. Four days to your 14th day and four days after are the days you are most likely to get pregnant. The same calculation should be applied whatever your cycle is.

Your freest days are the first seven days after your period and the last week leading to your period.

But it would help you a great deal to go to your doctor who will better explain and guide you appropriately in grey areas. On the issue of abortions, it is always best and cheaper to prevent pregnancy than take the risk of repeated abortion. One of the greatest risks is destroying the walls of your womb especially if the abortion is poorly done. 

A lot of things can go wrong at the evacuation table. So if you must sleep with your boyfriend, insist he uses a condom or you use a birth control device.

Any Merit For Sex In Relationship?

Dear Agatha,

I’m always impressed with the manner you respond to issues. May God continue to strengthen you for the good job you are doing through this medium. 

I am tall, fair and handsome, and I am convinced love should not be forced rather should come naturally. But what I see is people being forced into relationships they don’t want by their families or associates. Please I want to understand why one should persuade or coarse someone into a relationship when it is obvious that person isn’t interested in that particular relationship?Again, does sex strengthen a relationship? How come the ladies are now the ones demanding for it? Jeffery.

Dear Jeffery, 

People force people into relationships simply for selfish purposes. It is either they are protecting a business empire, family interests or personal reasons. The danger of such pressurised marriages is usually the inability of the couple to run their affairs without interferences from the powers that brought them together. Because these relationships lack the right kind of foundation to flourish, the couples end up going their separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. This is why it isn’t advisable for anybody to yield to pressures to an arranged marriage. People should be allowed to make their choices of spouses if the marriage institution is to remain as solid as God intended it to be. Couples given the freedom to make their choices are better able to manage challenges on account of the love and friendship that brought them together in the first place. 

Sex within marriage actually strengthens a relationship because it is the greatest gift of intimacy God bequeathed a married couple. Sex in marriage isn’t just for the purpose of procreation, it goes beyond that. The way God created sex for a married couple is to help build an emotional bank of trust, friendship, loyalty, communication, responsibility, respect and leisure between two perfect strangers coming together to begin a life together. 

God didn’t mean it to be cheap like the way some persons currently view it. Within marriage, sex has unlimited roles whereas in a platonic relationship, it weakens because it comes cheap. This is why unmarried couple should do everything to avoid premarital sex because it lacks the bonding qualities of a married one.

Any unmarried woman who goes about demanding sex from her boyfriend is unmindful of the kind of image she is projecting for herself, because at the end no man would have the confidence to keep such a woman in his house as wife. Despite the level of moral bankruptcy in the society, a lot of men still prefer to be with a woman who knows how to say no to sex before marriage. 

While most men applaud a young girls who demands for sex as being enlightened, but when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they still tilt towards the tradition that says a good woman, one with moral values do not capitulate to a man until she becomes his wife. In marriage both can make demands on each other as often as they feel, but before then, moral value cautions a woman against it, because she ends up being the hurt party at the end of the day.Good luck.

Before I Go Deep With My Landlord's Daughter…

Dear Agatha, 

I must extend my commendations to you for the good work. Keep it up and may the good God grant you more wisdom.

I got a job some couples of months ago away from home in one of the biggest firms in Nigeria. I rented an apartment in an estate and my landlord lives in the same compound with me. He has a beautiful unmarried daughter. I must confess I admire her a lot. She has this homely nature and behaves like a mother. 

I didn’t plan to have any relationship with her at the outset due to the fact that I am a tenant in her father’s house. She observed that I had no girlfriend, because she sees me doing the cooking, laundry and dish washing all alone. And on several occasions she volunteered to assist me with these things but I objected. I travelled out of town for an official assignment last month; she called to say she was missing me. I also told her I was missing her.

When I came back, from the look on her face, I sensed she has fallen in love with me. Therefore I wasn’t surprised when she told me she was in love with me. She professed her love for me and we started dating. Two weeks ago we had our first kiss, so intimate that I had to warn her of the implications if we fail to control ourselves especially as close neighbours.  

We kiss almost every day and caressing is becoming so intense that most times I lost control only to have her break the mood. Something keeps telling me that if we continue this way, there is trouble knocking at the door.

Please, I need your advice. Should I quit this relationship? What if the parents perceive we are dating, what happens afterward?  I’m in my mid 20s and need to settle down probably next year. I don’t want to experience heartbreak or even hurt someone. 

Gold.

Dear Gold, 

There is nothing wrong in dating this girl provided your intentions towards her are honourable. Problem would only come if all your interest were to sleep with her and leave. 

Like every parents interested in the welfare of their daughter, her parents will definitely want to know what your plans for her are. Until they know what your plans are, they may not give their support to the relationship and could lead to you leaving the house to protect the dignity of their daughter as well as protect their own image. 

Because of the delicate nature of your situation, you must be very clear on what you want from this girl. Are you into this relationship with her because you really want to or for the simple reason she declared her true feelings for you? Are you certain you aren’t capitalising on her declaration to have this affair with her? Would you have on your own considered dating her without this prompting from her?

Deep down do you think she has those extra special qualities you need in a woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with? Can you say with categorical confidence that she fits in more than one ways into the image of your ideal woman? Does she give you the kind of happiness and peace you have never experienced? Can she make you laugh even when all you feel like is to remain angry? Do you think she can give the right kind of support to succeed? Importantly, how much respect and trust do you have for her?

Honest answers to these questions would not only reveal your true feelings for her, but also help prepare you on how to handle her parents when they find out. If your feelings for her are deep enough, there is no reason you should be afraid of her parents knowing especially as you are contemplating settling down next year. 

The major issue here is for you to be sure of what you want, that thing you desire most in a woman. Once you are sure she has it, are confident that whatever life throws at both of you, you will always be able to overcome, and then there is really nothing to stop you from having a personal discussion with her before agreeing on when to see her parents officially.  

It is important you make haste in whatever decision you want to take on this matter to avoid the attendant scandal likely to follow should her parents find out first. If your decision is not to take the relationship further, be honest with her and let her know you aren’t ready yet, so that both of you can end the relationship before it becomes a major emotional disaster. 

Whatever happens, be prepared to relocate from the house to earn your freedom from her parents as well as to be in charge of your own life. There is no way you can stay there and be in charge of your life whether or not you and the lady agree to marry or end the relationship, because she remains your landlord’s daughter.

Good luck.