Father Married New Wife, My Asian Biz Goes Comatose…

Dear Agatha,

I am 27 years old and a Nigerian citizen residing in South East Asia. I left the country over six years ago seeking greener pasture abroad. During my first two years here, life was so terrible that I considered going back home because Africans weren’t considered for employments. 

Out of a desire to survive, I started an illegal hawking business, but was constantly being arrested by the Police. But they always let me off the hook because my babyish features which I used to my advantage.

By the end of the year 2005, things changed and God intervened and I joined what almost everybody is doing here, Internet scam. And I started to make some money out of it.

I got married to a native of the country; we have two children, a boy and a girl. Since things were moving smoothly for me, I decided to come back to Nigeria to construct boreholes for my whole village as we lacked water in my village. 

In addition, I started the construction of my personal house. Before I left for South East Asia, I wasn’t in a good relationship with my father because he married a second wife. He actually disowned my sisters and me. I am the only male from my mother.  

We suffered a lot at his hands. He even took us to oracle to take an oath that he will never eat anything or take anything that comes from us and also that nobody will block the way of the other’s match towards progress. We all agreed any defaulter would face the punishment of the oracle. 

He left to share his property among the children of his second wife without giving my sisters and I anything. In addition to the house I am building, I also bought a 4-room apartment at Onitsha, a mansion in my village as well as a nice jeep.

But everything changed for me when I came back to Asia. I started experiencing different kinds of problems, which got worse each day. It climaxed in me being detained in Police custody for 12 days while my wife also spent four days. All these were new experiences. 

Back home, I learnt my father was very sick; which I am sure has its root on the oath we took. He had told the oracle he would never take anything from any of us or try to block our progress in life. Severally, my father has openly tried to block my progress and has even eaten my food and taken a lot of things from me.

Agatha, I am confused. I have been praying and fasting since these problems started. The two shops I have here have since folded, because they have suddenly become unproductive. My wife and children have gone back to their village to stay with her parents. I decided to stay alone in the city trying to survive, but everything I put my hands on these days seems to be against me. I started to search for matured female friends, Asians at least to be helping in the settlement of my monthly bills. But before any woman here can do anything for any man she demands for sex. I don’t want to hurt my wife whom I love so much because she is kind, caring, hardworking and honest. 

I feel guilty telling her lies about the nature of my friendship with these women, but I don’t have any choice, as I don’t know where my problems are coming from. 

Up till now, my account is still frozen with a lot of money in it because of the illegal business I am doing. It baffles me because my kind of business is what everybody is doing here, yet they are free and still in business. Nobody wants to do business with me any more. 

I don’t know how to say it again, but I do believe you will understand my situation and advise me on what I should do to get family and I back on track. I have been reading about you and how you have helped other people with their problems, I believe you can also help me out.

Sean.

Dear Sean, 

Have you heard about the law of Karma? You don’t plant rice and expect to reap mangos. If you are involved in defrauding people of their money and things, it follows that one day; the natural laws of justice would demands for its pound of flesh. 

Irrespective of whatever diabolical thing your father is doing, your line of business is wrong and has caused so many innocent people tears and pains. None of those people you have defrauded will ever pray for your success or applaud what you are doing to them.

Like every person who has been unjustly robbed of his or her hard earned money, they will invoke whatever powers they serve to deal with you. You may have defrauded the wrong person, a person who has the covenant of God in full operation over his or her life. Defrauding these kinds of person only does one thing, trouble for their tormentors.

Granted, your father or people in your family may have done one or two things following your extravagant spending to invoke some powers against you, but your kind of business also left room for these powers to way you down easily.

There is no way God will answer any of your prayers if you continue in your kind of business. That you are using the money to help your community doesn’t make it right at all or excuse you from the judgement of God. He is too just to be deceived by bribes of giving part of your proceeds to the community. 

That everybody is doing it and getting away with it also isn’t an excuse. You are not just anybody and may lack the grace those people have to do things right. Besides, God also uses situation like what you are experiencing to stop His people from doom. It is only your account that is frozen now, be careful you don’t lose your entire freedom and life in this. 

Before you lose the love of your wife and the right to see your children, why not consider changing your line of business. Surely, not every immigrant in that country is involved in an illegal business; there must be some legitimate things you can do which though may not attract the kind of returns you get from the shady deals you do, but comes with the peace and everlasting blessings of God. Playing a toy-boy to elderly rich women to pay your bills isn’t right either. If it were, you would not be hiding the fact that you are sexually involved with these women from your wife. Think of the disappointment and pains you would cause her if she ever finds out that you have turned to a gigolo simply because you are unable to do an honest job.

Look around you, what can you do? Begin small; there is no success story without a humble beginning somewhere. No matter how advanced or chocked an economy is there is always a chance for someone with the right kind of insight to make it. 

If pride is your problem, why not think of coming back to the country to begin again with the investments you have made here? 

But before you do any of these, there is the need for you to make peace with God and your conscience. Once you give God a chance to come into your life, things would be a lot easier for you. He is the only one with the powers to neutralise the spiritual consequences and repercussions of the oath you took before the oracle. 

Don’t forget that you and your father both swore before the oracle not to exchange food and things. That you also went against the instruction of the oracle could also be the reason for your problems. Oaths are usually double-edged swords. While your father would suffer on account of his evil deeds, you will suffer from disobedience. You went against the instructions you willingly subjected yourself to, hence liable to the punishment. But like I said, only a true repentant heart can help you overcome the situation you have found yourself in. 

You ignorantly allowed yourself to be sucked into something you know nothing of by a father who not only denied your mother, but also disinherited you and your siblings. 

In your closet cry to God for forgiveness as well as help from the powers holding you captive. He works with the heart; if he sees your heart is sincere and determined to make a clean break from your past life and ways, He would step in. 

It is the only way you won’t lose your family and the little dignity you have left before your in-laws. 

As for your father, you also need to forgive him because the battle is the Lord’s. If he is truly guilty of being responsible for the challenges you are going through, by the time you reconcile with God, He will fight your battle.

Good Luck. 

She’s Off For Not Taking To Her Lectures On Better Bed Outings…

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with my girlfriend. Until recently, we made love without experiencing problems at all, but all that changed when on a certain night she started lecturing me on how to make love to her that will bring about a more satisfying companionship.  

She told me what she wanted me to do with her body, where to touch with my hands as well as lips. It was all so strange to me, because since we started making love she has never complained. When I told her I could not oblige her request, she was angry, and said if I could not satisfy her, she will quit. And true to her words she has never bothered to come back to visit me or pick my calls. 

Please, tell me what to do. Do I go back to her or let her be?

Peter.

                 

Dear Peter,   

In the first place what do you understand by love? What amount of sacrifices are you willing to put into perfecting your love? Love should be enduring, selfless, humble, patient, understanding, supportive, never keep records of wrongs and above all, must be sensitive to the feelings of the other person. 

You didn’t meet her a virgin, meaning she comes with packages of experiences and used to making love in a particular way. Before meeting you she must have experimented with other positions different from what you are used to. That she didn’t complain until that particular night doesn’t mean she was totally enjoying your ways, but decided to keep quiet to make you happy as well as not to give you the wrong impression about herself. 

She told you about her ways at the point she felt comfortable and confident about your feelings for her. She thought both of you have crossed the crucial points of doubts and misgivings, hence her decision to open up.  Your attitude and response to her, no doubt, left a bitter taste in her mouth, and called to question your level of maturity in handling such sensitive matters. Granted, she may have scared you with the diversity and intensity of menu, good sense ought to have told you to discuss options with her instead of throwing everything away.

Just like you, she has a right to satisfaction, a right to an input in how both of you relate in the bedroom. Because a relationship involves two persons, you should have at that point considered her requests by asking her some leading questions on the quality of your lovemaking, why she hasn’t said anything until now as well as your objections to some of the ideas based on limited experience in such areas. Good lovemaking comes from having an opened mind as well as trust. You reacted the way you did because you didn’t trust where the experience was coming from, hence you became suspicious of her though you didn’t categorically say so. 

But your reactions said it all. Not only did it convey shock, terror at the depth of her knowledge about sex, but robbed you of the confidence you have always marketed as a man.

Like most men, you recoiled at such an expansive knowledge from a woman. You instantly saw her under the banner of red and mercury lights, hence your refusal to even consider the ideas, let alone make love to her the way that would have made her happier than she has ever been. You simply didn’t like the fact that she has more experiences than you.

You mirror the typical male who thinks a woman has no right to make demands on how she wants to be made love to. Asking you to do it her way for once is because she thinks you have earned her trust to expose herself to you. 

Not only did you fail her, but also hurt her beyond measure when you rejected. This accounts for her decision to quit, because she knows if things are left the way they are between the two of you, she may be forced to look elsewhere for that satisfaction you are refusing to give her. 

As a matter of fact, you should have been happy at her request; because it meant she truly loved you else she wouldn’t have bothered. Some women would have continued playing the good girl with you while she went in search for her real fun elsewhere. That she didn’t want to do that is commendable.

Rejecting her also pictured you as a selfish man: one scared of change, an insensitive lover. When a man displays selfishness in the bedroom, it signals a man uncompromising and difficult to manage. Relationship is about compromises, something you appear to lack and unwilling to do. Change is necessary to grow a relationship. Her demand is a choice of change from what you are used to, to something new.

If you really love her, go back and plead for forgiveness as well as understanding of your position. Explain to her that shock made you behave the way you did and after careful considerations you are willing to consider what she told you. 

The best way to go about it is to munch a little at a time. Ask for her assistance as well as leadership where necessary. Remember there should be no ego or power tussle in the bedroom, because that is one place where couple can really let loose.

Good luck.

I Love Her, But She’s Too Self-supporting

 Dear Agatha, 

I write to you as an old man contemplating marriage a second time to a woman who is in her late 40s. I am in my 60s. She is one woman who is confident and extremely industrious. Apart from her beauty,  things she has which the other women I have met so far don’t have are sincerity, intelligence and integrity. 

She is too much of a woman to care about the naughty things men get up to. But I guess these are the very things that are scary about her person. As a young man, I would have been scared out of my wits by her, but having been married for almost three and a half decades, I feel more confident as a man to handle her.

However, there is something that is still scary about her; she seems unperturbed by my deliberate refusal to offer her any form of financial assistance even when I am aware she is going through crisis. 

It is such a funny feeling not to be needed by a lady. She totally ignores my financial assistance so much that I am beginning to wonder if she has someone else in her life who is meeting all her financial obligations. I had truly expected her to come begging me for money, but rather than do that, she has ignored me going about her life as if there is no man in her life. 

Sometime ago, I told her to forward to me a list of the food she likes as well as the schools her children attend. Not only did she tell me she wasn’t into submitting a list of requirement to a man, she said if I intended helping her, I should send whatever I could afford. 

I have never met a woman like her because I am used to women depending on the choices I make for them, running and courting me. She is the opposite of them all, including my late wife. I really want and love her, but how do I manage this woman? How do I make her depend on me? I truly commend your wisdom and would have been fooled into thinking you are an old woman if not for the photograph of yours on this column as well as that on your blogspot. 

Old Man.

Dear Old Man, 

Thanks for the compliments. 

At almost 50, you can’t change her from who she is into someone you want, just as she cannot make you do things you don’t want to do. You are both at the age of tolerance and understanding that marriage does not mean change but a willingness of the two parties to work together despite all odds. 

From now, you have to learn to respect her as well as accept the fact that before you came along, she had her life properly mapped out. 

She may not feel any compelling reason to ask you for financial assistance particularly if on your own, you know she has need of it. Since you are unwilling to offer help, she may have decided to ignore you and continue functioning in the mode she functioned before you came into her life. 

If she has children, it means she is used to responsibilities and must have managed beautifully well for you to notice the qualities that make her stand out. 

You will understand her better if you take out time to know about her past more intimately. A lot of your understanding of her disposition would come from your knowing how long she has been on her own as well as the role the father of her children is playing in the lives of those children. If divorced or widowed, how long? What challenges did she go through to make her the kind of person she is today? Often, the experiences we pass through in life shape our being. You have to know all these facts to know how to manage her and understand her mindset. Her experiences may have taught her to be self-dependent to the exclusion of any man in her life. In this case, appreciate it isn’t a personal thing but a wall she has erected around herself to protect herself and children from the consequences of emotionally influenced decisions. 

When a woman is used to being on the driver’s seat for too long a time, the way a man handles such a woman would be different from the way he would handle one who has depended on a man all her life. She perhaps didn’t think it necessary to give you any list believing if you are actually interested in offering her some form of financial assistance, you will surprise her by bringing the essential food items to her house. Food isn’t clothes that you need to worry about like what her taste would be. Food is essential and there are basic ones that are universal; just as provisions too are. If she doesn’t eat them, her children will. There will always be someone in her house who would. 

These kinds of women are often moved by such thoughtful surprises. Asking her to furnish you with a list is begging the issue and calls to question your intentions. Next time, surprise her. If in doubt, stick to rice, fish, palm oil and vegetable oil. These are items no woman can do without in her kitchen. 

You can get to know the schools the children attend by subtle enquiry. Ask her directly; get to meet with them first through telephone conversation before offering to accompany their mother to visit them. This way, you make it clear to her that you intend to feature in the lives of her children along with hers. Once you get to meet them, going to them alone won’t be a major problem because by then you would have a clear picture of the role of their father in their lives as well as the disposition of the children to your relationship with their mother. 

Managing this kind of woman isn’t as tough as you may think. Simply by learning to trust and give her the encouragements she needs is the only way to elicit respect from her. You have to learn to appreciate her first to get the best from her. If you insist on treating her like all the women you have met, you risk losing her respect and love.

Good luck.

My Husband Thinks I Hate His People

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for you and your advice, which teaches women how to behave in our homes. I am a 26-year-old 2004 graduate, I finished my youth service in 2006 and since then I have not found employment. I am the only child of my parents who are now separated. 

Though I am now married, I have so many issues with my husband. We were live-in lovers with two children until we decided on a court marriage last year after five years of living together. 

At the initial stage of our relationship, my husband complained about my attitude to his family members. He accused me of not liking them. Since then I have been trying to adjust so much so, his sister now lives with us. She has been with us for over a year now. 

Not once did the sister and I have any problem but my husband still thinks I don’t like his family members. 

During the birthday anniversary of my first child, my mother came to help me with the arrangements. During the course of it, my husband and I had a little disagreement necessitating me to remind him that his house wasn’t my matrimonial home yet. My mother tried to mediate by trying to take my side and explain what she thought I meant by the statement.

At least, he didn’t exhibit his hurt at my statement at the party. I later apologised for my statement as well as my mother’s behaviour since I knew it wasn’t right for her to have so blatantly supported my position. I knew she was trying to make peace but went about it the wrong way. That was in 2006. Since then my husband has been very cold towards my mother. The two of them barely talk and I have tried to talk to my husband but he is not a very forgiving person. I feel bad because his mother too has made some very costly statements but I have refused to be offended by whatever she says. 

My mother suffered so much to train me in school when my father neglected us, so it’s hurting because my mother deserves better from her son-in-law.

Since I am not working yet, I depend on him to send my family money for upkeep. But because we had some disagreement last Christmas, when he accused me of being only interested in him because of the money I get from him, I protested the idea of him sending money to my family through his. I told him it would only make me more vulnerable to his family. I reminded him that if he is of the view that I am with him because of money, what will his family think? More so, it wasn’t proper for them to know how much he sends to my family.  

Although he later sent the money separately, he is insisting he won’t do that again, that it was primitive of me to think his family capable of thinking like that. 

I have tried to talk to him but he is shunning me that right now I am beginning to get tired of the whole thing we call marriage. Apart from all I have said, he is difficult to please, always wanting things done his way. When I do things his way, he will still complain.  

Please, what should I do since I don’t want to be divorced like my mother?  

Hurting wife.

Dear Hurting Wife, 

First, I want you to appreciate one thing that no marriage is free of challenges. What usually makes the difference is the determination and selflessness couples, especially the women, put into making it work.

It is obvious that you and your husband didn’t take time out to study each other before taking the decision to live together, have children and marry. There wasn’t much time for you especially to study the man you would end up spending the rest of your life with. 

Although you have made the mistake, you can still do a lot to remedy the situation. And it is to do what you didn’t do from the beginning. If there is anything you have achieved staying with him for this long, it is to know his person. You know he is difficult, hard to please, unforgiving and all the other things you don’t like in a man. What about those things he is good at? For instance, despite his attitude towards your mother, he is still concerned enough to send money to her for her upkeep. It is commendable on his part because not every man would do this. 

A lot of men would have made sure you felt the impact of your lack of job by refusing to help with the upkeep of your family. That he is doing it without complaining shows that whatever his other faults are, he cares sufficiently for you. It will do you a lot of good to always remember this and commend him for it. No matter how nasty and unappreciative he is, the fact that he does this for you without complaining or making you beg for it underscores your importance in his life. By learning to show appreciation for what he is doing for your family, you point him in the direction you want him to go without fighting him or nagging. He may not catch on to it immediately but showing courtesy and appreciation for whatever he does for you will, after a while, teach him to say thank you too. It takes patience and selflessness on your part to get him to be the kind of man you want. 

So, going back to the drawing board is to take stock of what you don’t like about him, what you find outstanding and those things you instinctively know that you cannot change about him. 

The essence is to help you know which area of his character you should concentrate effort on, which will at the end of the day aid in the stability of your marriage. 

Another way to convince him of your openness to his family is to request to visit his mother. On the surface, this may not appear appealing or the best of ideas but when you consider the fact that these are people you cannot avoid, people who have been part of his life and whom he appears to be very attached to, getting him to thaw his attitude towards your own mother is for him to see that you have nothing against his people. It isn’t enough for you to wait until they come to you, visit them in their own territory. You don’t have to like his mother but you must endure her nastiness and attitude for the sake of your own happiness in her son’s life as well as those of your children. It is one of the many sacrifices you have to make to stay happy in this marriage. 

Spending one week with your mother-in-law will not kill you. Being a woman yourself, you will one day find yourself in her position and would expect your daughter-in-law, no matter what, to recognise your contributions to the life of your son. Do it, not because you want to but for the reason that you have to. 

Even though some mothers-in-law are unpleasant, if she sees make a genuine effort at loving and accommodating her, she has the influence to make her son drop some of the annoying behaviours towards you. But you have to spread out your arms like a child to her before she can help you.

Having lived with him for some years now, don’t you think it is time you changed your method of approach to issues? Common sense demands that when one method isn’t working we try another one. Getting angry with him won’t get him to change, rather it would make him more determined in his ways. By learning to ignore certain things, you give yourself more attempts at peaceful resolution to your differences. 

Also, there is the need for you to impress it on him to open up a business for you. Let him know that doing so would take the pressure off him asthe sole provider of everything at home. To be frank, the pressures may at times make him behave out of character. 

As for your mother, allow it to run for now. Don’t force it. Continue to plead with your mother who is the more matured one. Overtime, things would work out, especially if you learn to pray more and depend on God for His presence and intervention in your home. 

Good luck. 

Hearing Of Her Dialogue With Her Ex Nags Me…

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help over a problem bothering me. There is this girl I love and cherish so much. She happens to be my first love and the most exciting thing about her is that she loves me as much as I love her.

The problem is that a guy she once dated and had broken up with is still very much around her. They still call each other and I am not comfortable with it. 

I get disturbed whenever I hear them talk to each other. What should I do? Should I ask her never to call or receive his call again?

Worried Boyfriend.

Dear Worried Boyfriend, 

The basic ingredient of any relationship is trust. All you have to do is to understand the nature of their friendship. There are some couples that after terminating their sexual relationships are able to remain good friends on account of the kind or quality of love they played up while dating. 

That these two are no longer romantically involved doesn’t make them enemies or unable to function as good friends. She must have gone into the relationship with him for a different reason from the reason she is in a relationship with you. That they are able to remain friends shows that the relationship they had wasn’t meant to be. Some couples function best as very good friends rather than as lovers.

Instead of trying to break them up, what you should do is to try to get close to this other guy. Get to be his friend also and find out his motive for still wanting to be around your girlfriend. If he is out to make trouble for her, you will know just as you stand to gain from him if he is really a friend. There are things he knows about your girlfriend, you don’t know. Being an older friend, he is in a position to help you with some issues you are still trying to unknot about her. His positive influence on her could aid you both to have a smoother relationship.

And if you are really not comfortable about the relationship, be careful you don’t end up spoiling something good by your jealousy. Call and explain to her why you don’t want her to continue the relationship. Don’t give her the general excuse that you don’t want the boy in her life, saying that would cause problems between the two of you. What you should do is to give her concrete reasons, based on your relationship with the guy you think she should be out of his life. 

By also asking her how she would feel if you were the one still conversing regularly with your ex will also make her think twice about her decision to continue the friendship with her former boyfriend without it causing problems between the two of you. 

The important thing is not to give her the impression that you don’t trust her. This is usually what causes the problem of stubbornness and refusal to give up an old habit for the new person in our lives.  

By carefully outlining your need of her in your life as well as the insecurity you feel at this relationship with her ex, it becomes a subtle and not a forceful attempt at making her do your bidding. It has to be gently done to be effective and appealing a choice to her. 

Good luck.

How Do I Handle Love Sermons From My Ex-classmate?

Dear Agatha, 

I thank God for the wonderful things you have being doing through your column. I confess many wounds are being healed through you. There is this girl who was my classmate while in primary school. We were not just classmates, but also neighbours, hence we exchanged visits to each other’s homes. We got to know each other’s families. 

When we were in JSS 3, I left to live in Enugu with one of my uncles where I completed my secondary school education. She also left for Port Harcourt at about the same time. We temporarily lost touch until she called my phone one day to announce she was the one at the other side of the phone. I was excited to hear her voice so many years after. We had both finished secondary school. Since then we began to communicate on phone and she always ended her conversation by either telling me she loves or misses me to which she always expected a response in like manner. I always decline to oblige her with the right kind of reply she seems to want. 

Agatha, the point is that she wants me to marry her. I don’t want to because I have made up my mind not to marry any girl who was once a classmate. Besides, she lacks the qualities, like intelligence and good character I envisage in the woman I intend spending the rest of my life with.

How do I handle her attraction to me? What do I tell her?
Jack.

Dear Jack, 

Tell her the truth about your interest in women. By refusing to say anything, allowing her to continue to grow her interest in you, you are unwittingly giving her the impression that you share in her emotional sentiments for you. 

If you refuse to nip it in the bud now, it could create a problem for you by the time you meet a woman you are interested in and want to keep. This is on account of her being your childhood friend and the fact that she knows so many things most people except those that go way back about you.  Therefore it isn’t in your interest to allow her interest in you linger more than necessary. Because she goes back a long way and knows your family, she might completely disappear from your life for good. For this reason, you must not only tell her the truth about your preferences, but to also make her understand that it isn’t anything personal. That tried, as you would have loved to have her in your life, you know she deserves someone better than you, that special person who can make her happier than you could ever do. You have to learn to massage her ego, present yourself as the problem that would arise in the event of a relationship between the two of you. To get her to let you be, don’t give the impression that you find her character and attitude imperfect for you. This could make her bitter as well as resentful enough to make her want to hit back at you in an unexpected manner and when you least expect. Hell has no fury as a woman’s scorned. Irrespective of what you feel, don’t forget it took guts for her to come in the open with her feelings for you. Having known you for most of her life, she feels confident to say what she has said. For this reason you have to be sensitive and wise in rejecting her offer so as not to bruise her in the side that would hurt her the most and forgiveness impossible to give. It must also be done in such a way that the door of your old friendship doesn’t suffer permanent damage now or later in life. 

How you handle this would go a long way in determining what becomes of your friendship. Once she understands that you have grown from the boy she used to know, developed tastes she knows nothing of and have moved away from the things that used to interest you when you were both in primary and junior secondary schools as well as the fact that it isn’t a personal thing against her, she will be able to handle your turning down her offer with the maturity it deserves. 

By the time she understands that you are not interested in having a relationship, there won’t be need for you to worry about her demand to have you marrying her.  All you need is wisdom and an openness she will understand. 

Good luck. 

She Goes Dumb After I Made My Zeal For Her Public

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I am in love with, she just stopped talking to me. I started asking for her forgiveness despite the fact that I did not hurt her. But I really do feel for her, I am confused. I want to know if our relationship is still intact. Kosisiochukwu.

Dear Kosisiochukwu, 

Before apologizing, you must know what you have done. Sometime we unknowingly do things that hurt loved ones. By apologising, you are giving the impression you know what the problem is. The danger of offering apology for something you didn’t offend is the power it gives to the other person to misbehave. If you have done anything to hurt her, the normal thing is for her to complain of it to you, not shutting yourselves out of her life.  But for the sake of peace and strengthening of the relationship, call her to ask what the problem is; her explanation would help put things in the right perspective as well as knowing precisely what is causing her to behave strangely to you. The dialogue would tell if her reasons are real or simply an excuse for her to move on with her life. Whatever happens know that the will of God is what matters at the end of the day. 

Good luck

I’m Not Good In Bed

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for just one year and already my husband is complaining bitterly about my sexual performance. 

I have tried to be the kind of woman he wants me to be but I am limited severely by the type of training I got as a young child. My mother presented sex as dirty and only done when a man and woman are making babies.

She told me never to allow my man use me as a sex tool; that it was ungodly for a man and woman to have sex when they are not thinking of making babies. She said men were selfish and animals who were always requesting for sex from women. 

She told me never to undress in the presence of my husband and that we should always do it when it is dark. My elder sister whose husband threw out of her matrimonial home has told me not to mind our mother if I don’t want to end up like her; her husband is now married to another woman. My mother says my sister’s husband is the son of the devil. She says any woman who enjoys sex is a prostitute.

My husband respected me enough not to pressure me into having sex with him before our wedding night. A month after our wedding I still hadn’t allowed him near me until he forced himself on me one night. 

Since then, it has been a tug of war getting me to sleep with him. I love my husband so much; I don’t want to lose him to another woman. I am forced to come to you to teach me what I should do to keep him. I am sure his decency and respect for me is what is keeping him from going after other women because not only is he extremely handsome, he has both the means and experience to get any woman he wants.

I am really desperate to do what I have to do. Please help me if you really want this marriage of mine to survive. You are the only hope I have as I can’t discuss this with any other person and don’t even have any idea where to begin from. I am 28 years old while my husband is 32.

Ann.

Dear Ann, 

This is tough. The first place to start is to go back in time to your youth and all those things your mother said about sex. As a young woman of 28, you have your own mind and have the exposure as well as knowledge to know that sex is a natural process between a couple; that it is the right of your husband to have access to your body on demand and his privilege to enjoy sex with you. 

So the issue of you holding yourself from your husband doesn’t arise. It is his right to take and yours too to enjoy the thrills that come from the intimacy of a man and woman being together in that dance of time. 

When a man and woman live together, shame becomes non-existent. Your body becomes his property and his yours too. He has a right to view and touch your body any time of the day just as you have all the rights in the world to touch him where no other woman, not even his mother, can touch him.

Seeing and touching each other at will is one of the reasons we get married. Desiring your husband doesn’t make you a prostitute and at any rate, if you aren’t his prostitute by virtue of your position as his wife, whose prostitute would you be? That of a total stranger? If you don’t give him as he desires, other women are waiting in the wing to do anything to have him just like the experience of your sister shows. 

Men are generally like babies, they know only the hands that feed them and care for their needs. Your husband may be decent and respectful of your feelings but there is always a limit to endurance, especially when the topic has to do with sex. As a mature adult male, used to sleeping with women, it would get to a point his body would demand for it. Whether the likes of your mother admits it or not, at a certain stage in one’s life the desire for sex is akin to that of hunger, this is particularly true for men generally. It must have an out; don’t wait until your husband gets to the point of desperation else the results would be devastating.

There is really nothing to do. Since your husband knows you are very inexperienced and confused as a result of what your mother fed you with, go to him and ask him to be your teacher. If he doesn’t know the full story of your mother’s version of the facts of life, sit him down and tell him everything. Remember, this isn’t your shame but that of your mother who painted a very negative picture of sex to you. Your explanations would help him understand the enormity of the work he has to do to bring you out of your emotional shell. 

It will help him begin the ABC with all the patience and tolerance that will make you an expert yourself. 

On your part, make the job easy for him by following his examples without fighting or resisting the changes he is introducing. Don’t be shy or ashamed; you are safe in his hands because he is the one man God gave the rights and permission to touch any part of your body unhindered. He is the only one licensed by both the laws of God and man to see you at your most vulnerable and beautiful. 

Sex is a very special gift, a beautiful one given by God in His wisdom to mankind. It isn’t just for procreation but also a powerful tool to bond couples. It is the spiritual arm of the relationship that brings the body, spirit and soul of a couple together. It is the endless and mystic bond that keeps couples together. 

To reduce its value to just a baby making purpose not only cheapen its fundamental nature but brings it to the level of the lesser animals who only come together during their mating season. 

Sex to the humans is a tool of communication, companionship, relaxation, covenant, expression of one’s feelings, friendship, trust, interdependence on each other and agreement to journey together in every way. 

If your mother deprived your father of all these, she got away with it because your father allowed it. Your husband isn’t your father and has shown that he isn’t going to allow his rights to be trampled upon by his woman. He is a man who knows what he wants and isn’t making pretences about it. 

You don’t need any book for now because God has equipped you with all the knowledge you need to make everything happen. Just follow your natural instincts, not the ones forced on you by your mother. 

To make the experience memorable for you, see it as a precious gift you want to give your man, the one you married and love very much.

The secret of the moment lies in your ability to relax and allow yourself to swim without resistance. Trust your man implicitly with your body, spirit and soul. Let him lead you into the world of adventure God gave you both as a special gift of his understanding and appreciation of who we are as well as our needs. God is a father in all ramifications and anticipates all our needs even before we know what we want. He has not condemned you, so don’t allow anybody, even if the person is your mother, give you a burden God hasn’t given to you.

Your mother or her opinion of you doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is what your husband thinks of you and your happiness together as a couple. Trust me, this journey is one you will always cherish and enjoy.

 Good luck. 

Inter-faith Wedding: Any Joy After The Altar Trip?

Dear Agatha, 

Thank you for helping in solving our relationship problems. I pray God solves yours too. 

I am a girl of 23 years, a Christian, but dating a Muslim guy. We love each other so much that we plan to get married in future. The much I know of him is impressive. Every bit of his character agrees with mine, he doesn’t allow religious differences to come between us. Instead, whenevehim in my prayers.

I have considered everything about him, and considering him from my human mind he has everything I have always desired in a husband. But my fears now are whether he will change after we are married? We have been dating for over a year now, and his love for me has been increasing each day. But will he still allow me continue as a Christian after we are married? What should I do and say when my family members try to discourage me. I don’t want to make a mistake that I will regret later in life. Please help me. I am so confused now.

Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl, 

I would start by asking you what you understand by the four-lettered word, love. I ask because there is no way you can recognize it without you knowing it. Besides, true love has a way of coming in unexpected packages. It takes a true knowledge and understanding of love to withstand the harsh challenges that comes with falling in love outside the expected package.

Both of you have to want each other sufficiently enough to be able to withstand the definite out-burst and avalanche of protests that would follow the announcement of your relationship to the outside world. 

It is not whether he would allow you continue in your faith, but a matter of your love being strong enough to go the whole mile with him, being the one who might be expected at a point in the marriage to give up everything familiar for the unknown. 

The truth in mixed religious marriages is that more often than not the woman is the one who after a while has to make the major sacrifices even when the man gives her the freedom to continue to be in her ways. The interest of the children is usually what makes the woman reconsiders her decision. For now, there may be no problem between you and the man, but once the children start coming, the decision would have to be made on the religion they have to adopt, at least, till they are old enough to make the decision themselves.

To avoid the attendant confusion, anger and bitterness that usually follow such major family decisions, it is wise you and your man project into the future and discuss all likely grey areas as well as high tension zones before making it public. Even if your parents don’t protest your coming together, his especially would want to know what both of you have discussed about the religion of your children. No matter how liberal-minded your family or his is, the fact remains that you must be practical and comprehensive in your attitude and approach to this very delicate issue. You must be prepared at every point for the challenges of the two of you getting married. While you both must concentrate efforts and discovering your weak points as well as your strong ones, you both must adopt the right kind of attitude to make it work, have the type of disposition that will see issues that come up as normal ones, and not because you belong to different religions.

When religion is made to take the place of the culture of marriage, you both risk destroying the chance of it working in the first place. For you both to move on, there must be a healthy respect of your huge differences while at the same time understanding that these differences make both of you unique and your relationship precious. There must also be a willingness to dig into these divergences in your religions with a view of finding a common ground of appreciation. If two people with sharp cultural differences end up having a wonderful marriage, there is no major reason beyond the state of our minds why both of you can’t marry. 

Truthfully if I am to go by my religious beliefs as a Christian, I would discourage you, but being a counsellor and one who knows that God’s mind is unreadable and His ways unknown to man except Him, go to God first in prayers to seek His face earnestly. Let Him talk and show you what to do and how to go about it.

With God on your side, meeting his family and saying the right thing won’t be a problem. Because God in it, you will know what to say that will make you acceptable to them as well as your own family too. 

On the issue of change, it has nothing to do with religion. Change is an individual function, one which comes from the person we are rather than from the religion we profess. A lot of time we use religion and culture to mask our true nature and character. When we all learn to accept responsibility for our actions, our relationships would be a lot better. If he is going to change or you for that matter, it is because you both have it in you and not on account of the religion you each belong to.  However, be prepared that somewhere along the line, some things would change in his character and yours too. These come from living together and getting exposed to each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. In most cases they are not really changes, but a process that comes from intimate knowledge of the person, expose to character flaws that one didn’t bother with during the courtship period. If you realise these changes are simply the aggregation of who we are, it will be easier to make the sacrifices to stay and to make it work against all the odds. Remember, in all these, that your relationship is peculiar to you and that what works for you may not work for me, just as what is working for me may not work for you. Don’t because of what people would say throw away your God given solution to your happiness in life, which is why you must stay extremely close to God to be sure He is with you in this would be adventure of a lifetime.

Good luck. 

Hope Speaking Of My Feelings For Him Won’t Disgrace Me Later?

Dear Agatha,
I want to thank you for solving people’s problem. I have this issue eating me up and don’t have a clue as to how to go about it.
There is this friend of mine. We have been together for over a year now. I know he is interested in me, but has said nothing. When I also began to feel something for him, I sent him a text message informing him of my feelings for him. He called me back to inform me of the need for both of us to sit and discuss. 

My fear is that I don’t know if what I did is right, because I am scared of any damage to my reputation.

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Don’t be afraid. You haven’t done anything abnormal or damaging to your reputation by informing him of your interest in him. If he is unable to handle it and thinks you are cheap as a result of it, then he isn’t worth your time, because it means he is lacking greatly in maturity and wisdom. Should he turn out to be that kind of man, you are better off without him in your life, and it would be such a precious waste of time to invest your emotions on him.

Hear him out without feeling any shame or allow your misgivings prejudice whatever he has to say. Go to the meeting with an open mind and all the honesty you have inside of you. Having told him about your feelings for him, don’t back out now. His attitude at the end of the day would tell if he is out to mock your feelings for him or make both of you happy. 

By refusing to be ashamed of your feelings you unwittingly take away from him the power to hurt or make mockery of what you feel.

Good luck. 

Re: Her Hallmark Of Deceit Makes Me Sick Of Her Love

 Dear Agatha,

In as much as I cherish some of your advice, I disagree with your reply on this issue. You seem to want to pet the young lady. If what the guy has said is true, then he must be careful not to marry a woman that will likely commit adultery after marriage. For God’s sake she gets as much as she wants from the guy, but still has interest outside the relationship. Perhaps it’s between her and her ex. If she is stubborn and good at apologising, then she can commit adultery and apologise numerous times. It is obvious she can’t change. A woman that has a guy seriously ready to marry her should avoid such things. I really want to commend the guy for being patient, gentle and smart.

Concerned Reader

Wants Me In His Love Life Without Prior Contact

Dear Agatha, 

Please there is this little problem I want you to help solve. There is a friend whom I meet just once before he travelled to United Kingdom. Shortly before New Year, when he was due to return home, he called to ask me to be his girlfriend.

My problem is that I will be 26 years in three months. I haven’t been into any relationship ever since the disappointing relationship I had with my first boyfriend. I graduated last month. Please what will I do? 

Rossy.

Dear Rossy, 

I really don’t understand what you want or what the problem is. What has your being 26 years of age got to do with the fact of this man asking you to be his girlfriend? Is it that you are older than him or lied to him about your age?

Whatever it is that is causing you to be afraid, come out with the truth concerning yourself and your previous relationships. Also tell him the challenge you may be having, trusting him especially given the unpleasant way your former relationship ended. 

Knowing what he is up against in the area of trust will give him an idea of what to do. The best way to tackle this issue is to hear him out, his plans for you as well as how long you intend staying apart given the fact that he now lives abroad. Both of you should talk freely about your past and the relationships you have been through before you both met. This is one of the ways to entrench trust as well as build the right foundation for your relationship. No relationship survives suspicions and disloyalty. Also be vocal in telling him about your inner fears, including the one you have about your age, what you expect from him as well as your likes and dislikes. 

With prayers there isn’t anything that can’t be achieved in life. Even when everything seems hopeless and impossible, just hold on to your faith in God, trusting Him to do the best for you at His own time and season.

Good luck.