I’m Not Good In Bed

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for just one year and already my husband is complaining bitterly about my sexual performance. 

I have tried to be the kind of woman he wants me to be but I am limited severely by the type of training I got as a young child. My mother presented sex as dirty and only done when a man and woman are making babies.

She told me never to allow my man use me as a sex tool; that it was ungodly for a man and woman to have sex when they are not thinking of making babies. She said men were selfish and animals who were always requesting for sex from women. 

She told me never to undress in the presence of my husband and that we should always do it when it is dark. My elder sister whose husband threw out of her matrimonial home has told me not to mind our mother if I don’t want to end up like her; her husband is now married to another woman. My mother says my sister’s husband is the son of the devil. She says any woman who enjoys sex is a prostitute.

My husband respected me enough not to pressure me into having sex with him before our wedding night. A month after our wedding I still hadn’t allowed him near me until he forced himself on me one night. 

Since then, it has been a tug of war getting me to sleep with him. I love my husband so much; I don’t want to lose him to another woman. I am forced to come to you to teach me what I should do to keep him. I am sure his decency and respect for me is what is keeping him from going after other women because not only is he extremely handsome, he has both the means and experience to get any woman he wants.

I am really desperate to do what I have to do. Please help me if you really want this marriage of mine to survive. You are the only hope I have as I can’t discuss this with any other person and don’t even have any idea where to begin from. I am 28 years old while my husband is 32.

Ann.

Dear Ann, 

This is tough. The first place to start is to go back in time to your youth and all those things your mother said about sex. As a young woman of 28, you have your own mind and have the exposure as well as knowledge to know that sex is a natural process between a couple; that it is the right of your husband to have access to your body on demand and his privilege to enjoy sex with you. 

So the issue of you holding yourself from your husband doesn’t arise. It is his right to take and yours too to enjoy the thrills that come from the intimacy of a man and woman being together in that dance of time. 

When a man and woman live together, shame becomes non-existent. Your body becomes his property and his yours too. He has a right to view and touch your body any time of the day just as you have all the rights in the world to touch him where no other woman, not even his mother, can touch him.

Seeing and touching each other at will is one of the reasons we get married. Desiring your husband doesn’t make you a prostitute and at any rate, if you aren’t his prostitute by virtue of your position as his wife, whose prostitute would you be? That of a total stranger? If you don’t give him as he desires, other women are waiting in the wing to do anything to have him just like the experience of your sister shows. 

Men are generally like babies, they know only the hands that feed them and care for their needs. Your husband may be decent and respectful of your feelings but there is always a limit to endurance, especially when the topic has to do with sex. As a mature adult male, used to sleeping with women, it would get to a point his body would demand for it. Whether the likes of your mother admits it or not, at a certain stage in one’s life the desire for sex is akin to that of hunger, this is particularly true for men generally. It must have an out; don’t wait until your husband gets to the point of desperation else the results would be devastating.

There is really nothing to do. Since your husband knows you are very inexperienced and confused as a result of what your mother fed you with, go to him and ask him to be your teacher. If he doesn’t know the full story of your mother’s version of the facts of life, sit him down and tell him everything. Remember, this isn’t your shame but that of your mother who painted a very negative picture of sex to you. Your explanations would help him understand the enormity of the work he has to do to bring you out of your emotional shell. 

It will help him begin the ABC with all the patience and tolerance that will make you an expert yourself. 

On your part, make the job easy for him by following his examples without fighting or resisting the changes he is introducing. Don’t be shy or ashamed; you are safe in his hands because he is the one man God gave the rights and permission to touch any part of your body unhindered. He is the only one licensed by both the laws of God and man to see you at your most vulnerable and beautiful. 

Sex is a very special gift, a beautiful one given by God in His wisdom to mankind. It isn’t just for procreation but also a powerful tool to bond couples. It is the spiritual arm of the relationship that brings the body, spirit and soul of a couple together. It is the endless and mystic bond that keeps couples together. 

To reduce its value to just a baby making purpose not only cheapen its fundamental nature but brings it to the level of the lesser animals who only come together during their mating season. 

Sex to the humans is a tool of communication, companionship, relaxation, covenant, expression of one’s feelings, friendship, trust, interdependence on each other and agreement to journey together in every way. 

If your mother deprived your father of all these, she got away with it because your father allowed it. Your husband isn’t your father and has shown that he isn’t going to allow his rights to be trampled upon by his woman. He is a man who knows what he wants and isn’t making pretences about it. 

You don’t need any book for now because God has equipped you with all the knowledge you need to make everything happen. Just follow your natural instincts, not the ones forced on you by your mother. 

To make the experience memorable for you, see it as a precious gift you want to give your man, the one you married and love very much.

The secret of the moment lies in your ability to relax and allow yourself to swim without resistance. Trust your man implicitly with your body, spirit and soul. Let him lead you into the world of adventure God gave you both as a special gift of his understanding and appreciation of who we are as well as our needs. God is a father in all ramifications and anticipates all our needs even before we know what we want. He has not condemned you, so don’t allow anybody, even if the person is your mother, give you a burden God hasn’t given to you.

Your mother or her opinion of you doesn’t matter anymore, what matters is what your husband thinks of you and your happiness together as a couple. Trust me, this journey is one you will always cherish and enjoy.

 Good luck. 

Inter-faith Wedding: Any Joy After The Altar Trip?

Dear Agatha, 

Thank you for helping in solving our relationship problems. I pray God solves yours too. 

I am a girl of 23 years, a Christian, but dating a Muslim guy. We love each other so much that we plan to get married in future. The much I know of him is impressive. Every bit of his character agrees with mine, he doesn’t allow religious differences to come between us. Instead, whenevehim in my prayers.

I have considered everything about him, and considering him from my human mind he has everything I have always desired in a husband. But my fears now are whether he will change after we are married? We have been dating for over a year now, and his love for me has been increasing each day. But will he still allow me continue as a Christian after we are married? What should I do and say when my family members try to discourage me. I don’t want to make a mistake that I will regret later in life. Please help me. I am so confused now.

Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl, 

I would start by asking you what you understand by the four-lettered word, love. I ask because there is no way you can recognize it without you knowing it. Besides, true love has a way of coming in unexpected packages. It takes a true knowledge and understanding of love to withstand the harsh challenges that comes with falling in love outside the expected package.

Both of you have to want each other sufficiently enough to be able to withstand the definite out-burst and avalanche of protests that would follow the announcement of your relationship to the outside world. 

It is not whether he would allow you continue in your faith, but a matter of your love being strong enough to go the whole mile with him, being the one who might be expected at a point in the marriage to give up everything familiar for the unknown. 

The truth in mixed religious marriages is that more often than not the woman is the one who after a while has to make the major sacrifices even when the man gives her the freedom to continue to be in her ways. The interest of the children is usually what makes the woman reconsiders her decision. For now, there may be no problem between you and the man, but once the children start coming, the decision would have to be made on the religion they have to adopt, at least, till they are old enough to make the decision themselves.

To avoid the attendant confusion, anger and bitterness that usually follow such major family decisions, it is wise you and your man project into the future and discuss all likely grey areas as well as high tension zones before making it public. Even if your parents don’t protest your coming together, his especially would want to know what both of you have discussed about the religion of your children. No matter how liberal-minded your family or his is, the fact remains that you must be practical and comprehensive in your attitude and approach to this very delicate issue. You must be prepared at every point for the challenges of the two of you getting married. While you both must concentrate efforts and discovering your weak points as well as your strong ones, you both must adopt the right kind of attitude to make it work, have the type of disposition that will see issues that come up as normal ones, and not because you belong to different religions.

When religion is made to take the place of the culture of marriage, you both risk destroying the chance of it working in the first place. For you both to move on, there must be a healthy respect of your huge differences while at the same time understanding that these differences make both of you unique and your relationship precious. There must also be a willingness to dig into these divergences in your religions with a view of finding a common ground of appreciation. If two people with sharp cultural differences end up having a wonderful marriage, there is no major reason beyond the state of our minds why both of you can’t marry. 

Truthfully if I am to go by my religious beliefs as a Christian, I would discourage you, but being a counsellor and one who knows that God’s mind is unreadable and His ways unknown to man except Him, go to God first in prayers to seek His face earnestly. Let Him talk and show you what to do and how to go about it.

With God on your side, meeting his family and saying the right thing won’t be a problem. Because God in it, you will know what to say that will make you acceptable to them as well as your own family too. 

On the issue of change, it has nothing to do with religion. Change is an individual function, one which comes from the person we are rather than from the religion we profess. A lot of time we use religion and culture to mask our true nature and character. When we all learn to accept responsibility for our actions, our relationships would be a lot better. If he is going to change or you for that matter, it is because you both have it in you and not on account of the religion you each belong to.  However, be prepared that somewhere along the line, some things would change in his character and yours too. These come from living together and getting exposed to each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. In most cases they are not really changes, but a process that comes from intimate knowledge of the person, expose to character flaws that one didn’t bother with during the courtship period. If you realise these changes are simply the aggregation of who we are, it will be easier to make the sacrifices to stay and to make it work against all the odds. Remember, in all these, that your relationship is peculiar to you and that what works for you may not work for me, just as what is working for me may not work for you. Don’t because of what people would say throw away your God given solution to your happiness in life, which is why you must stay extremely close to God to be sure He is with you in this would be adventure of a lifetime.

Good luck. 

Hope Speaking Of My Feelings For Him Won’t Disgrace Me Later?

Dear Agatha,
I want to thank you for solving people’s problem. I have this issue eating me up and don’t have a clue as to how to go about it.
There is this friend of mine. We have been together for over a year now. I know he is interested in me, but has said nothing. When I also began to feel something for him, I sent him a text message informing him of my feelings for him. He called me back to inform me of the need for both of us to sit and discuss. 

My fear is that I don’t know if what I did is right, because I am scared of any damage to my reputation.

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

Don’t be afraid. You haven’t done anything abnormal or damaging to your reputation by informing him of your interest in him. If he is unable to handle it and thinks you are cheap as a result of it, then he isn’t worth your time, because it means he is lacking greatly in maturity and wisdom. Should he turn out to be that kind of man, you are better off without him in your life, and it would be such a precious waste of time to invest your emotions on him.

Hear him out without feeling any shame or allow your misgivings prejudice whatever he has to say. Go to the meeting with an open mind and all the honesty you have inside of you. Having told him about your feelings for him, don’t back out now. His attitude at the end of the day would tell if he is out to mock your feelings for him or make both of you happy. 

By refusing to be ashamed of your feelings you unwittingly take away from him the power to hurt or make mockery of what you feel.

Good luck. 

Re: Her Hallmark Of Deceit Makes Me Sick Of Her Love

 Dear Agatha,

In as much as I cherish some of your advice, I disagree with your reply on this issue. You seem to want to pet the young lady. If what the guy has said is true, then he must be careful not to marry a woman that will likely commit adultery after marriage. For God’s sake she gets as much as she wants from the guy, but still has interest outside the relationship. Perhaps it’s between her and her ex. If she is stubborn and good at apologising, then she can commit adultery and apologise numerous times. It is obvious she can’t change. A woman that has a guy seriously ready to marry her should avoid such things. I really want to commend the guy for being patient, gentle and smart.

Concerned Reader

Wants Me In His Love Life Without Prior Contact

Dear Agatha, 

Please there is this little problem I want you to help solve. There is a friend whom I meet just once before he travelled to United Kingdom. Shortly before New Year, when he was due to return home, he called to ask me to be his girlfriend.

My problem is that I will be 26 years in three months. I haven’t been into any relationship ever since the disappointing relationship I had with my first boyfriend. I graduated last month. Please what will I do? 

Rossy.

Dear Rossy, 

I really don’t understand what you want or what the problem is. What has your being 26 years of age got to do with the fact of this man asking you to be his girlfriend? Is it that you are older than him or lied to him about your age?

Whatever it is that is causing you to be afraid, come out with the truth concerning yourself and your previous relationships. Also tell him the challenge you may be having, trusting him especially given the unpleasant way your former relationship ended. 

Knowing what he is up against in the area of trust will give him an idea of what to do. The best way to tackle this issue is to hear him out, his plans for you as well as how long you intend staying apart given the fact that he now lives abroad. Both of you should talk freely about your past and the relationships you have been through before you both met. This is one of the ways to entrench trust as well as build the right foundation for your relationship. No relationship survives suspicions and disloyalty. Also be vocal in telling him about your inner fears, including the one you have about your age, what you expect from him as well as your likes and dislikes. 

With prayers there isn’t anything that can’t be achieved in life. Even when everything seems hopeless and impossible, just hold on to your faith in God, trusting Him to do the best for you at His own time and season.

Good luck.

Before Her Husband’s Unbridled Quest For Sex Thwarts My Wedding

Dear Agatha,  

I had this classmate in the secondary school that became my best friend after being roommates at the polytechnic.She told me of a man that wanted to marry her, but that she declined. I persuaded her to marry him, but she refused.

During my Industrial Training in the same company where the man works, he wooed me. But I declined on the ground that he has interest in my friend. He told me my friend refused him, but I still declined to have anything to do with him, though I so much desired a husband then. I didn’t want to be accused by anybody of betraying a friend.

We later met them in Lagos as married couple, the wife became my best friend, and she was cherished by my husband as a true friend, but her husband refused to let me be. My friend did not know what transpired between us before they met and married. 

He is fond of trying to hug me when the wife is not watching. I have been trying to avoid him. Unfortunately, when my family travelled for Xmas, I had to move in with her. I couldn’t go with my family because of my job since I wasn’t given permission to travel. 

For security reasons I was scared of staying alone in a whole house where there was no other person. Despite my cautioning him about his behaviour and my appeal to him that he has the best wife in the world, he still won’t let me be. To avoid problems and suspicions, I refused to tell my husband or his wife about this. The couple maintains separate rooms and the room given me is closer to the man’s room. 

Knowing how mischievous he can be, I had to take to locking the door to the room since he is capable of sneaking into my room at night, because the wife hardly goes to his room. Noticing my friend’s attitude towards sex from our discussions, I have tried my best to encourage her to give him quality sex, but she appears adamant. 

During the time I was there, he would deliberately wait for me to emerge from the room to make attempts at hugging me. He actually forced himself into the room as I made attempts to lock the door. I had to run out of the room while my friend was in her room oblivious of what game her husband was trying to play with me. 

I can’t tell my friend least I break her home and I can’t tell my husband, he will break the relationship with my best friend. Although he has since apologized for his behaviour, what do I do? 

Should I completely keep off his house, tell my husband and friend about his behaviour?  She is more like a sister to me. We don’t have secrets beside this.

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

Marriage is sacred and whether you like it or not, you are becoming a third party in this marriage. Granted, you are trying your best to discourage him, the truth is that if you don’t put a wide distance between you, you are liable to that one mistake that would lead to the destruction of the very thing you are now trying to prevent. Don’t forget, feelings have no common sense, just passion and when it comes in a place and moment of weakness, it is done within minutes even before the person has the time to think. Don’t give this man the opportunity by your determination to keep his wife as your friend at all cost, make you do something that you will forever regret.

This is the time for you to make the important sacrifice of letting go of this friendship, because to insist on it is akin to playing with a naked fire. You are not indispensable to her. Before you met her, she had other friends just like you also had. There is no way she would ever understand that her husband has been the one chasing you from the moment you both re-established contact. Who would believe you when you have never told your husband about him or his wife about his desire to date you at your first meeting before now?

Sincerely, none of these two would ever trust or believe you, so do protect the integrity of your person and sanctity of your home, tell your husband about this past as well as the other things he has been trying to do to you since you met him again. Apologise too for not telling him before now as well as the reasons you decided not to.

You don’t have to tell the wife, but telling your husband would help you to deal with it once and for all. If your husband thinks it best for both families keep their distances from each other, follow his lead by setting aside your sentiment. 

If your friend persists in knowing what the matter is, why there seems to be a frost in the relationship, make up a story about being busy. Sometimes cruelty comes with love and this is one instance you have to be cruel for the sake of love and the happiness of another person. 

This doesn’t mean you have to end the relationship but it has to be given a new definition for the sake of all concerned. You can keep on being good friends through telephone conversation, text messages and e-mails. The friendship can still be as good, provided you are sensible enough to avoid her home or being alone with the husband. Both of you can have lunch together as well as see during the office hours. She doesn’t have to know from you the type of man she is married to.  That she will get to find out from other sources, your duty as her friend is to continue to encourage her to do what she has to do to keep her home. For instance, the issue of her attitude towards sex underscores the need for her to change her attitude if she intends keeping her home. Continue to make her understand the danger to her lukewarm attitude to sex is putting her marriage on dangerous end. Let her know it is capable of pushing her husband into the arms of another woman. 

It is for the collective you must make this painful decision to put a small distance between you and this couple at least in the area of going to spend time in her house or go without your husband. 

Also, you need is the wisdom and presence of God to do what you have to do.

Good luck. 

A-Z Secrets Of Successful Inter-racial Wedlock, Please

Dear Agatha,

The heartfelt prayers of your readers are that the lords will continue to strengthen you in all your endeavours.

Agatha, my question is “what is the best way to make inter-racial marriage work?” considering the kind of society we have, especially in the case of the man being a Nigerian and the woman, a foreigner, who has to come and live in the country.  

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

By being very forthright with the person you intend to marry. Because there will definitely be a clash of two cultures. The best thing to do is to thoroughly school the woman especially in the ways of your people. Let her know what is sensitive to your people, that important thing they will not compromise as well as those things they and your society expect of their wives. She has to be taught the traditional way of greeting one’s in-laws in your place, knowing the right words to use is always a bonus any day. You also have to teach her how to make your native cuisine. You don’t have to teach her everything but knowing one or two important ones will help put her at an advantage and make it easy for her to integrate.  Explain to her that while you don’t find anything wrong in the diet you have both adopted as your own, it is however important that she also learns to cook to please the extended family when they decide to visit. On this score, let her know that in Nigeria, the extended family system is one we support and cherish. Don’t pretend that you will continue to support her foreign ways because it won’t be possible with you living in Nigeria. Giving her the impression she would always have her ways is the best way to destroy your marriage. But by preparing her for the worst scenario, she is able to endure as well as deal with whatever challenges that come her way. 

Often, the problem with inter-racial marriages come from the man’s refusal to fully explain the way of life of his people (custom and tradition) to his would-be wife, forgetting that whatever it is the man is trying to hide will become manifest to the foreign wife as the days go by. By the time the woman realises that her man was stingy with the truth, the anger of deceit as well as attendant frustration would make explanations impossible for her to accept. But when she is told everything before she leaves certainty for uncertainty, it makes the adjustment easier for her to cope and deal with. 

Don’t also forget that even in marriages between two persons who are from the same place go through problem of adjustments, disagreement as well as accommodation of each other’s weakness. Once you both have the understanding as well as appreciation of each other’s weaknesses and strengths, it will work. In addition, you must learn to be very supportive of her efforts as well as protection from your people who may want to take advantage of her person or naivety to cause her stress. 

Knowing that you are always there for her even when she makes mistakes will encourage her to do more for your sake. This is where your own understanding of her culture comes to play. While she is expected to adapt to yours, you must never forget that she also grew up with a different kind of orientation, one she will never completely forget. Hence, you must, at all times, appreciate that little efforts that make everything whole in your relationship. 

Good luck.  

Re: Before Wanting Of Girl-child Breaks My Home

I read the above piece, and thought I could contribute a little. 

First, you were right with your response. But then, the writer had probably heard that severally. He asked a legitimate question. And I believe it will help if he knows the answer.  To start with, it is important to know that the egg cell released by a woman at ovulation can only contain an X chromosome. The semen, on the other hand, contains both an X chromosome, slower but lives longer, and a Y chromosome, which travels faster but dies early. So, intercourse three days prior to ovulation will most likely leave behind an X chromosome in the semen to fertilize the X chromosome from the woman. The result is a female.  This is because the Y chromosome may have died earlier. Ok? 

On the contrary, if the intercourse occurs after ovulation, that gives room for the faster chromosome from the man to fertilize the X chromosome from the woman. My bet is on the Y chromosome.  That will lead to male child.  However the main problem is to know when ovulation takes place. That is another discussion entirely. As a general rule, it is around 14 days to the end of the menstrual cycle.   This is my contribution. But then, I must say that God’s decision is final. And we just have learnt to love whatever we are given equally. By Dr. Mohammed, U.F.

Comprehensive Health Centre, Erijiyan-Ekiti, Ekiti State.

08022520296

Dear Dr. Mohammed,

Thanks for helping us to address this very important issue that is affecting most families. God bless you. Agatha.

My Unrepentant Husband Wants Me Back

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for four years now to a man who is a womaniser, gullible and grossly irresponsible with money and completely without integrity.

To be candid Agatha, he lacks commitment to anything. What is perhaps the most challenging aspect of our relationship now is the issue of him bringing women home when I am away. What more, these women take him to all sorts of prayer houses where he is told that his good friends and I are the ones behind his problems. He stopped eating at home on the orders of these prayer houses.

Unable to tolerate the situation any further, I packed out of the house in April this year. In August, he came back requesting I come back to the house but because I haven’t seen any true repentance on his side, I have refused to go back to him. 

Do I keep waiting for God to change him or move on with my life considering we don’t have any child between us? I have lost two pregnancies.

I am currently 42 years of age and would love to have a child of my own. What does God words really say to me? I need advice outside my family. 

Confused Wife.

Dear Confused Wife, 

Sincerely, I empathise with you. It will take only the special grace of God for you to do what is right considering the situation of your marriage. 

But this I know, that God in His wisdom never does things without a reason. At this critical point of your marital journey, you need to go back to God to ask Him specific questions and be very ready to abide with whatever He says. Most times, God doesn’t say the things we want to hear which makes us think He isn’t speaking on an issue. 

Yes, this marriage falls below the standard He wants for us. Ideally, the common sense thing to do is to pack it up and move on with your life but experiences have shown that it usually isn’t the right thing to do.

That he came back to beg you to return is one positive sign of your place in his life. It tells of his willingness to give the marriage a second chance. If you were not important to him, chances are he would never have bothered to come to beg you. 

When issues like this come up in a marriage, it pays to look deeper. What do you think could be wrong? Before you married him, what was he like? Could he be this irresponsible and you still went ahead to marry him? What are your own contributions to the situation in your home even though it doesn’t excuse him bringing the women home?

To help you understand the nature of the problem you are battling with, extend your searchlight outside your matrimonial home to his brothers and uncles. What are their marriages like? What was the marriage of his parents like? Did his father indulged in womanising, bringing women to the house just like him? Who are his friends? What influences do they have over him? Is he bothered about the issue of lack of children in the marriage?

Sometimes, the things we think are ordinary problems may have far deeper religious implications than we give it credit for. There is the need for you to consider the spiritual angle to your matrimonial problem. Is the problem from his side or yours? I ask because even though men are known to be promiscuous, bringing his dates to the house, following them to homes of spiritualists who now dictate what happens in your home. If he weren’t under some negative spiritual influences he would have known without being told that you would be the target of these women and the spiritualists. 

If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, please go back because battles like this cannot be fought from outside. You have to be in the house to help him out of the spiritual prison he has put himself. Whether he admits it or not, many of these women he has tangled with would have manipulated his life in such a way he would be blind to so many things happening around him. 

As his wife, you have the responsibility of helping to refocus on the important things in life. He has to be reminded, not through nagging or fighting, of his responsibilities towards you. As his wife, there is no doubt that he has offended you, embarrassed you as well as made mockery of your marital vows but the fact remains that your place is with him. At 42, you don’t have many choices and what man would you meet at your age that is without some forms of challenges? Would you again walk away when these challenges come? There is always the possibility of you ending up with a man who is worse than this, one who enjoys assaulting a woman physically.

Marriage is a journey of tolerance, sacrifices, choices to be happy, strength to succeed against all odds, faith in the things we don’t see and ability to ignore so many things for the sake of one’s peace of mind. Change would come to your home provided you are ready to make the sacrifices. The vow to love him through thick and thin is made of this stuff. Despite your pains, you must find it within your heart to pray for him. If need be, solicit the assistance of your pastor to help you with prayers. There is nothing prayers cannot change. Pray with a sincere heart, God listens and does things to glorify His name. All you need is the grace to be patient. All these women are strangers in your home; don’t give them the privilege of turning you into the stranger in that home. Be bold to pray them out of your home. You must have loved the man and he you for both of you to have decided to marry. That love that brought the two of you together isn’t lost but buried under the burden of the challenges facing your home. Just as it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something special. In all these, you also have your faults. Be honest enough to accept yours to enable this marriage move on. 

The children would come if both of you are able to achieve the required understanding in your home. You need peace to be able to carry a child to full term. Let him understand that his attitude is the reason you are having miscarriages that as a woman your body cannot endure the emotional torture he is making you go through. 

Don’t be far from your knees. God will change it to suit His purpose for you and your marriage. 

Good luck. 

I’m Dating My Cousin’s Ex

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for all you have been doing finding solutions to problems we throw at you. May the good Lord reward you for that.

I have been living in Europe for more than a decade. I am 42 years old. After trying two different relationships in Nigeria, I became disillusioned because these relationships didn’t work. Frankly, I became confused so decided to start something here in Europe. A cousin of mine linked me with a lady I eventually fell in love with but the issue here is that my cousin once dated her. He insists it doesn’t matter. 

They went their different ways because of the issue of their genotype. I am of the view that it isn’t right to date a woman my cousin has dated. The girl says they really didn’t go out.

The lady and I are deeply in love and you must have observed from my age, time is no longer on my side, and on her side either because she is in her early 30s. Please, I need your advice.

PP.

Dear PP,

As long as you are able to live with the knowledge, trusting them not to rekindle whatever they had in the past, there is really nothing to it. The only challenge is your ability to bury the memory of whatever it is both of them had in the past.

However, there is the need for both of you to be cautious. That you are both getting advanced in age doesn’t mean you have to rush into something you might both regret later. When it comes to marriage, a lot of issues have to be tackled to enable the couple enjoy significantly the bliss of being married.

So, what do you know about this lady beyond the fact that she once dated your cousin? Who is she? Can she be trusted to be a good, supportive, enduring, patient, understanding and caring wife? Do you think you both have what it takes to become good friends; to be able to laugh at, and with, each other? A good sense of humour between a man and woman who plan to live together through the thorny turns called marriage helps to douse tension in the home as well as create the right atmosphere for the two to make up when challenges come pouring in. 

As a man, how ready are you to share your space, time, resources, opinion and secrets with this woman? Are you prepared to make her the most important person in your life, consigning both your family and friends to the second and third positions after her? Do you love her for herself or the fact that you are becoming desperate to settle down? How well do you know her temperament? What are her drawbacks as a human being, the ones you just must learn to cope with as she is also expected to cope with the dark side of you?

I ask these questions to help you appreciate some of the issues that could cause a couple to have disagreements in the home. A lot of times, some people rush into marriage without looking or learning to appreciate their individuality first. There is no way anyone can be part of a team without first taking time out to study his or her limits as a person. 

The knowledge of one’s limit, more often than not, goes a long way in helping that person recognise the weakness in another person as well as the right attitude to help that person overcome it.

When we fail to appreciate that no one is perfect in life, that right from the factory we come with some defects and are unable to read our manufacturer’s instruction correctly, we become very impatient with others struggling through their limitations. 

So, before you and your girlfriend go through with the whole process, there is the need for you to sit down and talk as honestly as possible. At this age, it is very imperative you bring out all your fears especially as it has to do with her relationship with your cousin. For the last time, talk about it with all openness and oneness required to begin a journey together. From this early beginning, both of you should discuss whatever ground rules you want in place, what you expect of her particularly. A lot of problems come in marriages when couples attempt to change the goalpost at the middle of a game. Respect begets respect. For the marriage to succeed, both of you must learn the act of according to the other maximum respect, even when things are not going as expected. 

Once both of you are able to get the ground rules right from the beginning, a lot of the fears you are nursing now concerning her relationship with your cousin will be answered. 

Importantly, don’t forget the place of God in this matter. Always seek His approval first before doing anything, because with Him on your side, you will never have reasons to be resentful of the choice you make.

Good luck.

My Inability To Hook Girl, Any Spiritual Link?

Dear Agatha, 

Please prayerfully advise me on what to do. I don’t know whether to leave my father’s house or not. I am 27 years of age. Although I am not married, I have suffered too many broken relationships. I am told a lot of them have spiritual undertones. Please help me.

B.E.

Dear B.E.,

Who are those telling you these things? What sort of home is your father’s house? Is it a polygamous one with so many children and women contesting for recognition? What is your position in the home and relationship with all the other persons in that place? Is it a religious home or one that anything goes? Are you the only one suffering from these disappointments? Have others too noticed? Importantly what is your relationship with God like?

Before your father’s home can become a snare or curse to you, it is important to look at all the situations that have made it so. Sometime, we are actually the bane of our own problems in life by the attitude we put up and disposition to the concerns of those people around us. When we present ourselves as insensitive to the plights of those around us, it follows that when going through our own challenges those people that we ignored too would pretend not to notice our pains and struggles. 

What sort of child are you to your parents or brother to your siblings? Can you say with every sense of responsibility that you are a good child and sibling? It is only when you have eliminated your own complicity in the whole set up that you can look at other reasons. This is because in severe family related challenges, moving out of the family house may not be the panacea. It is only postponing dooms day.

There is no doubting the fact that some people suffer more family tribulations than others for what appears to be unjust reasons. In the depth of your hearts what do you think could be the reasons for your own challenges? Look around the family, their opinions and attitude towards you would point you at the right directions. 

Until the issue with your relationships, have you ever felt that you weren’t really making it that some forces are dragging you backwards? If you have never had reasons to suspect your family of trying to bring you down, perhaps you should look at the quality of the women you bring into your home. What is the common complaint among them? How did all the relationship break up? Looking at these relationships in retrospect and the way they ended, do you think they would have ended differently were you living elsewhere?

Before accusing fingers are pointed, in your interest, you must also look at your won faults in all these. There is the tendency for us to see things differently when our emotions are involved. Now that these women are gone from your life, what would you have loved to change about them? Do you think whatever led to your separation is justified? In bringing them to your father’s house do you abide by the decency code, not to sleep with them or advertise images your younger siblings should not be exposed to? And the all-important question is, do you think bringing women to your father’s house is ideal? At 27, don’t you think, you should be thinking of setting up your nest? Should one of them get pregnant where do you intend to stay with her? There is an adage that a man old enough to appreciate the backside of a woman must be prepared to take on the responsibilities that go with it. Falling in love goes beyond the romance, it is a cocktail of different shades of responsibilities, one, getting accommodation for the purpose of privacy. The hostility would be more if you don’t have a job to finance your feelings. 

Frankly speaking, these are issues that could lead to your family home becoming the bane of your problems in your relationships. If this is the case, learn to keep your affairs outside your father’s house until you are financially buoyant enough to get your own place.  Even if you have the means, your father’s house isn’t the right place to advertise your relationships.

However if the issue were spiritual, none of these would work as much as you first getting the right kind of spiritual help to neutralize whatever harms that may have been done to you. Again it depends on the credibility and motive of those telling you these things. Therefore, go to God first in prayers because he sees so many things we don’t see as well as know what we don’t. This way, you give Him complete authority to determine your fate as well as the exclusive rights to fight your battles no matter from where they are coming. Spiritual battles move with person from place to place and never go away until one is bold enough to confront them. So, leaving your father’s house isn’t a solution because you are his product and carries his genes inside of you. As his child, you remain susceptible until you stand up to fight whatever demons fighting you in your father’s house. 

Like I earlier said, the battle isn’t yours or anybody, but that of God, hence you must go on your knees not only to pray but to seek His assistance on where to go for complete deliverance. You have to be guided by Him, so you don’t end up going to the wrong place where nothing would either happen or one that will end up complicating your situation. You have to be helped by Him to locate your pastor and place of deliverance. If the battle is truly from your father’s house, it is one battle you need the grace of God to win. Since these are people who know everything about you, all the names you bear, your history as well as the important things, which could be used to further hurt you spiritually. They have the information no outsider will ever have about you.

If you are attentive enough, you will get instructions. Hence, for now be careful on who you talk to or where you go, to enable you get clear messages from God.  At the end of the day, God Himself will tell you what to do.

Good luck. 

Tired, Having Waited For Him In Vain

  Dear Agatha, 

I’m a lady of 27 years of age. I was into a relationship with a guy of 30 years. He was showing a kind of seriousness then and asking my father if he could bring his people for introduction. My father told him to hold on for a little to enable both of us get to know each other very well. To my disappointment, he went ahead to marry another person. Ever since then my passionate feelings for men died a natural dead.

I really don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Disappointed Lady.

Dear Disappointed Lady, 

No one can help you beside yourself. You have to learn to let go of the memories of the betrayal of your former boyfriend. Just accept the fact that both of you weren’t meant to be, else he would have waited for you. 

It is obvious that he was too much in a hurry to get married and for him any woman was okay as long as she was available to marry him.  Had you married him, it may not have worked out right for both of you. It certainly takes more than a hurried signature on the marriage certificate to make it work. 

Your father knows this, hence his counsel that both should wait a little bit to get to know each other. He spoke from a wealth of experience, so don’t blame him, rather be glad he did else you would be hooked a stranger who goes by the title of your husband. His inability to wait underscores the value he placed on you as well as the relationship. You were never really important to him. He was more interested in the idea of getting married more than whom he got married to. It would have been tough job getting such a man to think along your way or see things from your point of view. 

Marriages evolve on the platform of friendship, trust, loyalty, faith in the things we don’t see and know, love and endurance. If he believed in your relationship and has the trust that you and him were meant to be, he would have waited for you, no matter what. After all, your father didn’t say you can’t marry, but only wanted both of you to at least get to know yourselves better before taking the risk. As a matter of fact, you should be thanking God that things happened the way they did, because it has left you free to marry the kind of man that would make you happy. The lesson you should keep from this experience is that not every man you meet is qualified to be your husband. Some, no matter how much you desire it would ever be. It is also important you know that God determines your time and season, hence any attempt to fast track it will only meet with disappointments. 

Don’t worry, after each storm comes calm. The right man would come and when he does, nothing or woman would take him away. Just learn to depend on God the more.

Good luck.