Dear Agatha,
I know what I am about to share with you is so disgraceful, but when someone is faced with a challenge like the one I am facing, shame takes a distant back seat.
Two years ago, my husband travelled to the United States of America in search for greener pasture. The children and I couldn’t go with him because of so many factors I don’t want to mention here.
When he got there, things too didn’t look too bright, but being a very responsible man, he took the first job he was offered to enable him meet his obligations to us, back in Nigeria.
Things progressively got better until I began to feel lonely. Initially I could control the urges, but it got so bad that I had to capitulate to the feelings at a point especially as a friend of mine who also resides in United States of America called to say my husband was involved with a woman.
He has this friend who has never hidden his interest in me, even when my husband was around. Since he left, he has been a constant visitor to our house, helping out with the children and giving financial support from time to time.
About five months ago he came on one of those days I was missing my husband’s company so much. The children had gone to my sister-in-law’s place to spend the weekend so I was alone.
Unfortunately, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping with each other. From that point it became a regular habit. I guess I got careless because I just found out that I am pregnant for almost three months, and the worst of it all is that the three doctors I went to for abortion declined because of the position of the fetus. They all say if I attempt to do anything to the baby, I might end up dying in the process.
As if that isn’t enough complications, my husband’s friend after giving me money to abort the baby has started avoiding me and has warned me not to allow his wife know about it. He threatened to deny me if I ever make the mistake of mentioning his name to anybody.
Left with no choice, I went for spiritual help only to be told too that this child is indestructible and that any attempt by me would involve my life.
Agatha, please help me out, because this problem is beyond me. I am 34 years of age. How do I face my husband, children, and the world? Who do I tell them is responsible for my pregnancy?
Knowing my husband, not only would he kill me, he would also kill the man who is responsible before taking his own life.
Honestly, I don’t know what I expect from you, but I just need someone to talk to. I also feel like going to my husband’s friend house to tell the wife what has happened and the response of her husband to my situation.
I feel bad at the way he is treating me.
Please help me.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
I am honestly short of words and as confused as you are on how best you can survive this problem without giving up your home.
Under this circumstance, it is the most honourable thing for you to do. You have done the unforgivable, not only did you commit adultery, you did it with someone considered to be your husband’s friend and are now carrying the result of that incident for all to see.
There is no greater shame than what you have done, sleeping with another man who isn’t your husband, and getting pregnant. That a friend told you that your husband was unfaithful to you doesn’t justify what you have done. It is something you wanted to do, because you couldn’t control your feelings. It would do you a lot of good to accept your mistake, because you knew the motive of this man from the beginning, even when your husband was still around. Yet you didn’t do anything to put a distance between the two of you, report him to your husband and stopped him from coming close to you when your husband travelled.
The truth is you encouraged him, because you felt something for him. He knew it was only a matter of time before you capitulated to his desires for you and he was proven right when you did.
If he is insisting you don’t get his family involved in your little secret, you can’t blame him because you are the one who didn’t think of the implications of sleeping with another man. He didn’t force you to do what you did, and at 34, you can’t claim to be ignorant of what you were going into when you agreed to sleep with him without protection.
Even if truly your husband were having an affair, there is no way you can prove it, whereas the fact of your pregnancy is enough to tell the world that you are guilty of adultery. Besides, being a woman, you are expected to show more decorum when it comes to issues like this, because of the attendant complications that come from a woman playing around. This is because when a woman is a caught pants-down, she not only implicates herself but also drags her innocent children into the mud alongside with her.
What you have done goes beyond your pregnancy to include that of the paternity of your existing children. Understandably, your husband and his family would now begin to question the paternity of your children, especially if they don’t bear close resemblance to him. Even when they do, any misbehaviour would earn them unfavourable remarks from people determined to remind them of their mother’s foible. It would take a long time for these children to function properly on account of what you have done especially if you fail to take a decision now to protect them from your own mistakes.
Before your pregnancy becomes obvious, tell your husband about it. It is unfortunate that this type of information has to be given on phone, but it is best he hears the story from you than from any other one. It is best you make up your mind now to face the music of your actions, no matter how unpleasant the melody. There is no point waiting for your husband to react or send you packing. It won’t do you or your children any good for this matter to blow up on your face.
Telling and leaving him is the most honourable thing to do in this situation. The decision of where to leave the children for now until you have the baby away from prying eyes should be taken by the two of you. The immediate issue now is how to protect your children from this moral mess, something you must emphasis to him. What you are trying to do now is damage control of a truly bad situation.
If your sister-in-law can afford to accommodate the children until the birth of the child, it would be best they are left with her, while you relocate to a place where nobody knows you to have this child.
Once the child is born, things will be a lot easier to control. By then you and your husband can come to an agreement on the best option for the children, but don’t force your opinion or wish, because frankly you have lost every right to insist on anything concerning the welfare of those children.
Sad as this is, it is the way of the society. Many things men get away with, a woman, because of our nature and roles in the society, cannot get away with same.
To earn the respect and support of your children again, it would take determination, sacrifices, new focus, and beginning to achieve. Don’t insist on having custody of the children if your husband decides to make things difficult for you. Try to understand the pains and bitterness he is going through. It is one thing for you to have an affair, but to have done so with his friend and gotten pregnant in the process is more than a lot of men can cope with or get over. So respect his feelings by refusing to respond to whatever he says or actions he takes.
Believe me, it is the only way to make all the talks and nastiness to go away quickly as well as prevent the children from being witnesses to your shame.
As for going to the wife of your lover, what do you hope to achieve by telling his wife? Did he force you into it? Isn’t your situation enough disgrace on it own without you broadcasting what you should cover your face in shame over? He gave what you offered him willingly. Had you treated yourself with the dignity of a married woman, would he have dared to treat you the way he is doing? Such games are for the minors not for a full-fledged woman of 34.
Count your losses and move ahead with the little dignity left.
Good luck.
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