Send a Greeting Card to Agatha Edo for their Birthday on Tuesday November 24th

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Marriage, Hard Getting Him To Speak My Mind

Dear Agatha,

There is this problem I have with my relationship. I recently clocked 26. My boyfriend is 10 years older than I am. Despite the age difference he is my dream man and we are really in love with each other. He indirectly talks about marriage, but has not come out openly to propose. I know he doesn’t have money, but as far as I am concerned money isn’t everything. But I am becoming worried at his non-committal attitude.

After being with him for a year and seven months, I recently agreed to sleep with him in September and last month since he wasn’t forthcoming on anything. I came out to openly ask him what plans he has for our relationship.

I did this to know where I stand with him as well as to give me the idea of what my next step should be. If I expected him to be categorical, I was in for a shocker as he told me pointblank that since he lacks the ability to know what the future holds, he can’t make promises. That what if he tells me he would marry me and it turns out the other way?

Agatha, I am worried, because I don’t want to double date in my life, and wouldn’t want to be heartbroken.

Now my question is, am I wrong to ask him to define our relationship? The problem is that I have other male admirers on queue, but haven’t given them any thought because I do really love my boyfriend.

Worried Girlfriend.

---

Dear Worried Girlfriend,

In a way he is right because nobody has the ability to predict what the future holds. Life is always a gamble. Everyday we gamble on the choices we make. He could promise you marriage now, but if the Almighty God says otherwise, you two would still go your different ways. Until the day a man and a woman walk down the aisle the promise to live together till eternity remains just that, a pledge not a guarantee.

Rather than concentrate all your efforts worrying on whether he would marry you or not, concentrate first on the essentials, getting to know if he has the qualities that would make marriage to him enjoyable. The mistake a lot of women make is not to prepare for the challenges of marriage first. The fact that you have a man in your life isn’t enough a reason to want marriage with him at all cost. A concerted effort must first be made to investigate the nature of the person, strength, attitude, temperament as well as disposition to life generally before marriage can be contemplated. A man or woman must be abreast with all the challenges that go with the relationship he or she wants to make permanent.

What is his worst side, the kind you wish he didn’t have but must strive to accommodate in the interest of peace and harmony in the relationship?

This is the season for you to do your homework well if you hope to be happily married to him. You could hold back on sex and still not know what it is you are supposed to do in cementing a relationship. The right mix for any relationship is for a couple to be realistic about expectations in the union. In assessing each other’s suitability as a viable partner, interest should be focused on what will and what will never work.

What is your vision of marriage to this man? The all important question you should ask yourself before pressurising him on what his marriage plans for you are would he make you an ideal husband, one you can rely on when the going gets tough, laugh with and at, grow into old age with? One you can forgive anything, would be your best friend? It is in your interest pause and reflects on these points before demanding marriage with him or any other man for that matter.

As for considering other men, because he isn’t forthcoming, relationship generally has a time of planning, the sacrifice period and time of harvesting. The flipside of this is regret when issues are not properly thought out before a decision is taken. If you are unable to make the necessary sacrifice now by having the patience to wait and observe the things he is not saying, the actual reason he doesn’t seem to be in a haste to marry, the challenges he is going through as a man as well as the peculiarity of his situation? As a woman desirous of spending the rest of her life with him, these are issues that should engage your interest, know how you can be of assistance to him. Pegging your reactions to what he said and not the reasons as woman who is individualistic in her attitude. If you actually love him, be more concerned about his welfare and interest.

On the issue of whether you should make hay while the sun is still shining by accepting one of the offers before you, it is a personal thing. But what will you do again if that one turns out not to be ready for marriage or isn’t sure too when the date would be? Walk away?

When issues like this come up in a relationship, the best place to go is before God so when all the signs are reading confusion, you will always have a solid thing, the word of God, concerning the relationship to hold on to. A choice left in the hands of God will survive whatever storm because His peace will always be present as succour.

Asking God through honest prayers for help will direct you at the right path. Don’t give God alternatives; just tell Him to show you what He has for you. This way you don’t end up with the wrong man.

Good luck

Before Poverty Denies Me Her Parents’ Nod…

Dear Agatha,

I am afraid to make a marriage proposal to a girl I want to marry. I am afraid because I feel her parents might not support the idea of their daughter marrying me based on material considerations. Please Agatha I need your advice to go forward.

Echeta.

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Dear Echeta,

What gives you the impression that her parents are so materialistic that they would rather sacrifice their daughter’s happiness to gain it? Have you tried talking to them first? It is always wrong to assume you know the answer or response of a person even before you present your case. It is very unfair because you haven’t given her parents the chance to either deny or accept you.

Besides, for a man who is interested in taking on a wife, you seem to lack the confidence that go concurrently with the step you are about to make in life. Marriage isn’t for the chicken-hearted men because it comes with so many challenges and storms. If you are afraid of taking on the first challenge of meeting with your parents-in-law to be whatever their positions to you is, how would you react when the storm is coming from the person you have elected to spend the rest of your life with? You don’t because life is difficult give up on life.

The love you have for this girl should make you want to face anything to have her in your life including telling her parents that whatever they think of your current status that you have what it takes to keep their daughter happy. Sometimes when the parents of a woman put annoying and seemingly impossible obstacles on the path of their intending son-in-law, it is only to test his mental as well as emotional suitability for their daughter. If the mere thought of their wish makes you grow cold, what would you do if they actually stick to their guns?

In life, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You must be willing to take risks to get past some natural obstacles that come with living.

Go to them with whatever you can afford. Don’t go with the intention to bribe them to accept you, rather aim for honest acceptance of who you are, your ideals as well as your vision. When you aim to bribe, you will forever find yourself at their mercy, doing things above your ability and resources. But in presenting yourself the way you are, you may not make the right impression based on their perception of life, but you will eventually earn their respect no matter how grudgingly given.

Money isn’t everything but dignity makes a world of difference between success and failure.

Don’t forget that when you meet them. Market your dignity and not what they want you to have.

At any rate if God says you are both destined to be a couple, He will make a way for both of you irrespective of what her parents think.

Good luck.

His Sincerity Was Mistaken For Guys Quick Bite

Dear Agatha,

God will bless you for the kind advice given to people via your column to save many souls.

There is this guy who was desperate to marry me, who demanded for introductions urgently.

Because I wasn’t really too sure about him, I declined to get him introduced to my parents especially when I sensed he was only using it as a bait to get me to sleep with him.

He got married last year, and since then I have felt anything for any man. My friends are worried. They think I should let go and go into another relationship, which for now, I am not considering. This is because it would be difficult for me to believe any man again even if he is for real. I have read many stories in your column and see the way you advise people. I know you can also help me make sense of this issue.

Disappointed Lady.

---

Dear Disappointed Lady,

Life isn’t meant to always appear fair. But, trust me, at the end everything works out in our best interest. He got married to another woman because both of you were not destined to be an item forever. Don’t also forget that he asked you to marry him, but because you thought he had an ulterior motive for proposing marriage to you, you didn’t take him serious.

Honestly you share in the blame. It was wrong for you to be the prosecutor, judge and jury in a case you initiated. What gave you the impression that he was after your body? He didn’t have to go to the extent of asking for formal introduction to sleep with you. You forgot his family too would have been involved in the introduction ceremony and it wouldn’t, at that point, easy for him to terminate the relationship thereafter without giving them a reason for it.

That he appeared desperate didn’t make him unserious. He may have come to the point in his life when he wanted to have a woman by his side at all times and since he was in a relationship with you, you became his natural choice. That he went to marry the next girl he saw after you turned him down shows he was in a huge hurry to marry.

What you should have done was to discuss your fears with him, and not to allow him go away with the impression that you aren’t interested in him as a man or his offer to have you in his life. You left him with no choice when you turned down his request for introductions. Were you expecting him to wait forever? Knowing that you contributed to whatever decision he made would go a long way in helping you get over your seemingly sense of betrayal. Before he betrayed you, you were the first to betray him by not trusting him and his motive enough.

Since he is now married, it is time for you to count your losses and move on with your life. You won’t gain anything by refusing to move on. Life is about gains and losses. Your time of gain would come but this time, don’t make the mistake of assuming you have all the answers to an issue. Always ask question when in doubt while also asking for God’s wisdom at all times to make the right choice.

Good luck.

Lovemaking, When Should Parents Stop Sex Before Children?

Dear Agatha,

On several occasions, I have wanted to ask this question, but one thing or the other kept me away from asking it. The issue has to do with my almost four-year-old son.

I want to know the age children can be sensitive, especially when dad and mum is making love. This bothers me a lot and I need a kind advice.

Worried Father.

---

Dear Worried Father,

There is no telling what children of these days know. The advanced information age we currently live in means they are exposed to a variety of information, including sex, which makes whatever daddy and mummy are doing behind closed door an open secret to them.

The best thing is for him to be moved into his room. At that age, his brain is already alert and able to tell what game daddy and mummy are playing. The full impact may not be discernable, but the idea of it is there for them to pick up at anytime they want to. At that age, a lot of children are able to relate images with actions and can tell the differences between the boy and the girl.

It is the age they ask questions and demand for answers which if they can’t get from their parents can get from their teachers, uncles, aunties or gossip about among their friends.

All they need is to see such an action on television or a billboard and it all comes back to them what they saw the previous night. And before you can stop them it is broadcasted to every interested ear.

In addition, it provides them with practical examples of what a man and woman do. In most cases, the memory is carefully stored for future use when the mind drags it out from the memory bank, replays it for an action to be taken on it.

It is always best that parents don’t have the audience of their children when making love.

If your house isn’t big enough, the child should be relocated to either the sitting room. If a room, a proper demarcation of the bed should be made from the rest of the room to give daddy and mummy some privacy when nature comes calling.

Good luck.

Before Lust For My Ex-boss Sacks My Fiancé

Dear Agatha,

You have to help me on this. I am in love with my fiancé, as a matter of fact he has proposed and I have accepted, but there is something happening to me, which I haven’t figured out yet.

I fell in love with my boss without his knowledge. The feeling is three years old.

My new boss is actually the friend of my former boss. He asked me to come and work for him after my former boss travelled out of the country.

My feelings for him hasn’t changed one bit despite the fact that he doesn’t come often to the office. Whenever he comes in, I immediately begin to fantasize about him. Honestly, I didn’t think it was something to worry about until the incident I am about to relay to you happened.

On this particular day he came to the office and as usual, I fantasized about him. That night I decided to spend it with my fiancé and to my shock when he was making love to me, I began to imagine him to be my boss. Naturally, I couldn’t tell my fiancé about my line of thoughts.

Agatha, I know this may sound absurd, but I am in love with both my fiancé and boss. And no mater how hard I try to get the feelings I have for my boss behind me it keep coming back to me. I know I love my boss, but I haven't summoned courage to tell him as he may think me cheap. Please help me; it is really tearing me apart.

Ngozi.

---

Dear Ngozi,

Isn’t this boss of yours married? If he were, what would you achieve by telling him about your feelings? It won’t serve any purpose at all, but only serve to destroy your own relationship with your fiancé.

Telling him would have made sense if he were single and available to return or consider your love. In that case you would be sure you don’t live in regrets later in life. Only men who aren’t men enough, who lack maturity, think a woman who expresses her love for them first is cheap. As a matter of fact men who are matured in thinking end up appreciating such kind of women forever, because it takes guts for a woman to expose herself to the possible rejection of a man.

If he is married, the best thing for you is to leave his employment to prevent the greater calamity of destroying your own relationship. With what you are feeling, it is only a matter of time you call out his name when you are with your man. It would be difficult at that point for you to deny any relationship with him because the guilt of what you feel for him would make denial on your part difficult to plead.

Leaving him would put huge distance between the two of you and help you concentrate on forgetting him. You need to help yourself forget him if you really want to make something out of your relationship and eventually marriage to your fiancé.

There is no way you can love two persons equally. If for three years, you have carried the touch of secret love for your boss, it is important you investigate the qualities he has that have kept you spell bound for this long. At this point it is imperative you do some comparison between your fiancé and boss. The essence is to help you see clearly the qualities one has that the other doesn’t, especially those of your boss. The result would assist you know how to help your man achieve some of those qualities that seem so important to you.

Because you want to marry this man, it is of utmost importance you do everything within your power to make him priority in your life to prevent emotional frustration, disappointment, tendency to stray as well as disrespect for your husband and home. The worst kind of thing that can happen to either a man or woman is to marry someone he or she isn’t in love with. The tendency is for the one not in complete love to misbehave and disrespectful. Being in love with a person, means selflessness, sacrifices, patience, and endurance, no matter the situation that arises in the relationship.

And if your love for your boss is that kind that touches your spirit person, it would be advisable for you to put some distance between you and your fiancé because to go ahead with him when you feel so strongly for another man would make it impossible for you to give him the best of yourself. Because thoughts are like waves of water, until they are ready to settle, they will keep popping when least expected.

The time out will make it possible for you to really articulate your feelings for your man as well as pinpoint the real reason you think you are in love with him. If he is making love to you and you are thinking of another man, it means your feelings for him isn’t as deep as you think and until you subject it to laboratory analysis in your mind’s eyes, you would never know if it can stand the test of time.

Don’t worry about what could happen if you do this because every relationship must go through a dry period to test its durability and ability to bounce back after the storm.

If at the end of it all, you lack a strong conviction that your feelings for your fiancé is strong enough, it would be in your interest not to gamble with your happiness later in life and take the risk of waiting for that man whose aura has enough strength to make you forget whatever you feel for your boss.

It is at this point you need the presence of Holy Spirit to help you stay focused.

Good luck.

She Goes Wild For Declaring My Love For Another Girl

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the many solutions you have been providing to problems facing people. I have a problem that needs your advice. There is this female friend of mine. We have been friends since our school days. I am a year older than her. We are so fond of each other that my roommate actually refers to her as my girlfriend despite the fact that we never once dated.

However, a twist was introduced to our relationship and it became so ugly that I could hardly recognise the friend I have had for years when I found a lady I felt something very special for.

Being my very good friend, I didn’t think anything of hiding my news from her, but to my biggest surprise she practically changed from such a loving person to this monster right before me.

Because we have had a good relationship as friends, I still want her as a friend in my life. It would be so sad to let go of such wonderful friendship on account of my going into a relationship.

So, how do you advise me on this?

Cool Cat.

---

Dear Cool Cat,

There is nothing you can do now when the iron is still too hot to handle. The adage that “one should strike the iron when it is at its hottest” doesn’t apply to a troubled friendship or relationship. The best thing to do at this point in time is to walk away for time to heal whatever wounds your announcement to go into a relationship may have caused her.

It is obvious you didn’t read the relationship correctly. Along the line love came into the picture for her. While you assumed you were only friends, she wanted something more and had hoped you will eventually come round to her way of thinking. You could be the reason she didn’t have a boyfriend, because she has invested in the two of you making something out of your friendship.

If this is the case, don’t expect her to be enthusiastic about your new relationship. She naturally feels betrayed that after all these years, you are leaving her to find warmth with another woman. Something she too has for long offered you on a platter of gold.

Understandably, her hurt is deep and would take time to heal, because right now she feels ridiculed by your decision to leave her and go with another woman.

For now, it would be impossible to continue with her as before. She needs time to recollect her emotions, re-invest herself in another relationship since it is obvious she has lost out on any hope of you two up-grading your friendship to relationship.

Perhaps, overtime she would come to appreciate the way things turned out between the two of you. But until then move on with your life. And in your interest ensure you tell your present girlfriend everything about your friendship with her, to prevent mischief from coming to play later in life.

Good luck.

All Skirts Make Him Mad, Yet Can’t Let Me Go

Dear Agatha,

I am 23 years, dating a guy who is 26 years of age. This man claims to love me as much I love him, but to my disappointment, I discover he is a certified Casanova.

There was this particular Sunday afternoon I called him and he was rejecting my calls. Baffled at what could be the problem, I called his friend who told me they were not around.

Suspecting something was amiss; I decided to go to his house only to find him with another girl. Not only did he not respond to all what I was saying, but also bluntly refused to acknowledge my presence, instead he walked away with the girl.

When they came back, the girl told me to leave her man alone while my boyfriend stood behind her, laughing.

He later left to drop the girl off in his car. When he came back, I asked him of the meaning of the incident I just witnessed. To my greater shock, he attempted to deny the girl he pushed me aside for.

He described the girl as his ex.

Agatha, he is apologising and wants us to continue even though I still see the two of them together. So what do I do? Should I go to this guy again or forget him.

I need your reply before I go mad.

Jesse.

---

Dear Jesse,

You really don’t need me to tell you that this boy doesn’t have any respect for you or count you as important woman in his life. Any man who respects the woman he is involved with will never subject her to the humiliation he exposed you to.

Granted, men have the tendencies to stray once in a while, but when caught by the major woman in their life, are usually remorseful and full of apologies. To ignore you and allow the other lady walk all over you while he laughs at your humiliation shows you are not his main woman, but the other lady.

To therefore continue with him is to expose yourself to further ridicule. It would show you are a young desperate girl and a license for him to continue to treat you with open disrespect.

Respect is a necessary tool in any relationship, and once it is absent there is nothing more to be salvaged. It is obvious that he is lying about the nature of his friendship with the other lady. If the other girl is his ex, what business does he still have with her to warrant him ignoring you while she was with him? Why was he laughing at you when she was telling you to stay away from her man? You really should know what to do because the issues are crystal clear and do not need anybody to tell you what your natural reactions should be.

Though if you love him that much and willing to forgive him, make sure he tells you the truth concerning his relationship with the other girl. Also give him a time frame to properly terminate whatever he and the other girl have going to prevent a recurrence of that ugly scene you witnessed the last time.

Unless he does that, don’t expose yourself to more pains by walking away and giving yourself the opportunity to move forward.

Good luck.

Re: Where Are These Men Hiding?

Click here for the original article and comment(s)

My Father Checkmates My Heart Desire

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you for the good work you have been doing helping people to find solutions to their problems. May God bless you.

I am 24 years of age and an Ordinary National Diploma holder and currently doing a part-time programme.

I have been in a long relationship with this man who he and his family have been nice to my family and me.

However he suffers slight deformity on his leg but can work without the aid of a stick. Irrespective of this, I still love him and will want him to be my husband.

My major challenge now has to do with the position of my father who has vowed never to accept my boyfriend as his son-in-law for reasons best known to him.

When he was coming for last Christmas, he bought me clothes and other items including the handset I am using now. Sincerely, I am bothered about my father’s position and since I didn’t know what to do, I told him the relationship would not work and for now we are just friends.

But I didn’t tell him my decision was based on my father’s position. He cried when I told him of my decision not to continue with the relationship prompting him to reveal that his friends had warned him that I would not marry him, but he refused to listen to them then. He was evidently very angry and stopped talking to me. I later discovered he was admitted at the hospital for two weeks as a result of me rejecting him.

I had thought he would never talk to me again until he began once again to call me about three months ago. When I asked why he changed his mind about calling me, he told me he could not do without me and that watching the burial video of his mother reminded him vividly of the role I played and that looking back he is very certain someone may be responsible for my new attitude towards him.

There is also another man who happens to be the branch manager of the company I work for asking for my hand in marriage. I really don’t know much about him or any of his family members but he appears to be somebody who cares for me.

Honestly I am really confused and don’t know what to do. Should I tell my first boyfriend that my father is behind my attitude towards him? Should I ignore my father and go ahead with this relationship? How do I face his family members after what I did? Or do you think I should I continue with the second one?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

It is rare for a father to kick against the child’s choice of a partner. Precisely what is the reason for his objection to your choice? He must have a reason. You should either tell your mother to ask him this or make him to tell you himself.

To elicit response from your father, don’t make it as a quarrel. Parents react with anger and absolute show of authority when children openly oppose their wish. By giving your father the impression that you are not likely to oppose his wish, he would feel obliged to tell you why he thinks this man isn’t good enough for you.

You must know why he is objecting to enable you know what to look out for in your man. In most cases, sentiments like the one your father is expressing often than not help in pointing one that some salient points in the character of the other person which being in love has blindfolded the vision from seeing.

You may not agree with your father at the end of the day, but you have a lot to gain by hearing him out since no knowledge is lost.

Remember, your father doesn’t know this man as much as you do, neither does he feel what you feel for him, so you must understand that whatever he is saying is based on what he feels. Your job as the one at the centre of it is to offer his explanation based on what you know of your man.

Honestly, you were wrong not to have tried to find out why your father insists on you leaving him as well as not telling your boyfriend about your father’s position.

Telling him would have helped him understand you more as well as provided him the opportunity of going to your father to straighten things out. It would have been easier for your father to tell him why he thinks he isn’t good enough for you.

But be that as it may, now that he has come back, sit him down and tell him the whole truth concerning your father’s position and how he influenced you to terminate the relationship. At least he deserves to know the truth as well as clear you of the false impression his family may have of you based on what their son may have told them.

This would take care of your fears of how the family would receive you back should you decide to go back to him.

Frankly, nobody can make the decision for you, not your father or me. It is your choice to make. But in making the decision, it will be in your interest to do a proper critique of your feelings for this man as well as the new one. In the first place, how well do you love him? Is your love for him unconditional or induced by the things he gives you and your family? Another question you must answer with much honesty as you can muster is the fact of his physical challenge. How comfortable are you with it? Is that the reason your father isn’t comfortable with him marrying his daughter? You may not think it is an issue to you but for you to have mentioned it shows that it is a salient one that is bothering you quietly.

By examining how you really feel about this man would inform you whether to go back to him or begin something with the new man who you must also gauge your feelings for to know if he is real or not.

Good luck.

My Husband Fends For His Village

Dear Agatha,

I have a problem, which I want to share with you. I am a newly married lady; my husband is the first son of his family. His immediate younger brother is married with two children.

To help his brother out of the financial crisis he was experiencing, my husband gave him one of his buses to drive. My husband told him to use whatever money he made from driving the bus to fend for himself and family.

About three weeks after, he returned the bus with the excuse that he didn’t like the bus and that my husband should give him the bus he was using instead.

Thereafter, he refused to care for his wife and children prompting his wife to come to our mother-in-law to complain about his attitude. After listening to her complaints, our mother-in-law gave her some foodstuff and told her to come back.

After she left, our mother-in-law came to my husband to collect money for her own business as well as money to care for his other siblings and their families. As things stand now, my husband is solely responsible for the upkeep of the extended family including paying their rent, their children school fees, buying of clothes and all other expenses.

I am not comfortable with the way his family is treating him and how his brother has refused to do anything. More worrisome is the attitude of my mother-in-law, who sees nothing wrong in making my husband provide every kobo and thing for her and all his siblings.

I have tried to caution my husband against this attitude of his especially as we are planning our own family. I am not saying he shouldn’t help but I am of the opinion that it isn’t fair for his family members, including his brother, who is married to leave the responsibility of fending for the entire family to my husband alone.

Please advise me on what to do before I do something drastic.

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

Don’t get involved if you want to enjoy the love of your husband and peace in your home. There is no way you can take on the whole family at the same time. This is because they are used to making your husband pick up their bills and since he has been doing that without complaining or thinking ahead of the consequences of putting himself all out for the comfort of his family, the family will rise in unity against you.

With a man like your man, you have to be careful because he is far too deep in his act and may not think anything of sacrificing you in the process.

The fight you are up against isn’t just a physical one, it would stretch to be a spiritual one aimed at ensuring you leave their golden pot for them particularly as his mother is in full support of the current arrangement. So, be careful what you say, how you say it as well as the attitude you put up.

Your husband has tolerated this treatment from them long before you came unto the scene so, if he is tired of it, he knows how to end it without your help or suggestions.
To ensure you and your children are not impoverished by his attitude towards his family, the best you can do is to get money from him to begin a business irrespective of whether you are working or not. This is to serve as a sort of insurance for you and the children when they start coming. Being his wife, you have the advantage of knowing when he has more than enough, when he is in the right mood, how to get him into it and how to woo him without him suspecting anything to do your bidding.

It also means that you must be careful not to have a joint account with him or any joint venture because of the way his extended family is structured. The reason for this is simple; to ensure his immediate family doesn’t suffer too much from his generous attitude to his family members as well as to reduce drastically the tension women feel when they feel their husbands are investing all the money meant for them and their children on other people.

One ace you can use to get him to go along with your plan is not to fight him over his family. It is a mistake many women make which earns them a lot of problems with their husbands who in turn become so hostile. Remember the motive is not to build a wall of Jericho between your husband and his family but to help him plan his life so he isn’t left high and dry in his old age when he can no longer run around for himself let alone for anybody. It is also to help your home remain calm and peaceful, which would never happen if you are constantly depending and expecting your husband to provide you with everything.

It is at this point you would do something drastic, unreasonable and cause a tsunami in your home. But if you begin now to prepare for it and how to avert it, you would not have to say any word against or in support of your husband’s attitude to get him thinking.

The naked truth of this whole situation is that you have to be up and about as well as invest wisely because whether you like it or not, your children will never come first in his scale of preference.

This has nothing to do with his feelings for you but the powers at play in his life. He may love you so much but given the strong hold his family has over him, it isn’t going to be an easy ride for you at all.

You have to be as wise as a serpent to survive the peculiarity of this family. Learn to be very diplomatic when the issue of his family welfare comes up. If you cannot withstand it, leave the room when they come to protect yourself from hearing whatever it is they want to discuss. Ensure you don’t antagonise him and if you must underline the danger of his undefined help, if it is telling too much on the welfare of your immediate home, point him to it without making it obvious that you are angry or upset.

A lot would depend on your level of tolerance as well as ability to control your temper. On your own, give what you can even if it is a sympathetic ear to their demands.

Be friendly, treat them well when they come on a visit, feed them if there is food at home and when there is none, make sure they know you are not being deliberately wicked.

It is important you play your role effectively in all these to help your marriage stay strong.

Be prepared that whatever you do, his family will always accuse you of one thing or the other. So learn to be prayerful. Marital challenges are best fought and won on a woman’s knees not by fighting or acting impulsively.

Always remember these people are an inevitable part of your husband as well as those of your children. There is no divorcing them from the history of your husband or your children as well. Being the first son, he cannot ignore them and from time to time he would be called upon to part with money for the upkeep of the rest.

You must understand this and appreciate that your position as his wife has made you a mother to all of them hence must be careful of the type of attitude you put up at all times.

Good luck.

Hard To Grow My Love For Her…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your selfless service to mankind. I am 25 years of age. There is this girl I like, but don’t know how to tell her. She is learning textile designing. I made up my mind to greet her each time she passes by our shop irrespective of whether she was responding or not.

Recently I went to the street behind ours to make a phone call when I saw her washing plates at a pub she later told me belongs to her elder sister.

She started greeting me after that encounter. She actually called to ask for my name because I didn’t give her my name.

Agatha, I want to move to the next level. What should I do?

Emmy.

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Dear Emmy,

Get to discover who she is by offering her friendship. You don’t know anything about her to warrant you taking the relationship to the next level yet.

Friendship between the two of you is what would offer both of you the necessary opportunity to know if a relationship between the two of you is achievable or not. As friends, you will have the freedom to exchange information about yourselves, expose each other to the peculiarity of your individual strengths and weaknesses, temperaments as well as outlook towards life.

It is imperative you know what each other want, how far you can each go before approaching her for the next level. She has to know your interest in her goes beyond her body to her welfare. You must each know what you hope to do in the future. At 25, the future isn’t too far off for you. If you don’t begin to think about what type of woman would make you happy in the future, you may end up with the wrong woman by your side.

The time for you to erect the foundation for your marriage is now; so don’t waste it on the wrong values.

Good luck.

Before Coyness Turns Me Anti-social

Dear Agatha,

I am one of your greatest fans. I got hooked to ‘Daily Independent’ just because of your column. I have a problem that I have never shared with any man, but only God. I am a 34-year-old, intelligent and hardworking young man. I grew up to discover myself as a shy and fearful person.

This has not only tormented me over the years, but also limited me from exploring my God given potentials. I find it difficult to relate with people, hence I don't have friends in school.

This has labelled me an anti-social boy, and this is seriously affecting my relationship with people around me. As a marketer, I have been unable to make any meaningful impact, whereas the people I trained are all doing extremely well.

In the church, I had to turn down the many positions to head some groups including the house fellowship because of fear and shyness.

I tried to trace the possible source of my problem and realised it might have come from the many condemnations I received as a child as a result of my left-handedness. A lot of people said so many negative things while growing up which stuck and could have affected me psychologically.

I have fasted, prayed, confessed scriptures and even went for deliverances, but the situation is getting worse. I simply have lost confidence in myself as I have failed in almost every area of life.

All I can think of is failure. Please help me, if you think I need a psychologist, kindly recommend one for me. I know I am meant to be more successful than I am currently. I just need confidence in me to make the difference. Please help me so that I won't commit suicide.

Sunday.

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Dear Sunday,

Unless you have the determination to succeed, there is little anybody can do to help you. Attempting suicide is the final admission that your life isn’t worth anything, that God made a huge mistake creating you and that your place in this world could have been left void.

This is why no prayer, fasting and deliverance would work for you, because in the first place, there is no problem with who you are. Rather, your problem comes from what you think you are. The only deliverance is to change the defective picture you have of yourself and replace it with the one God has of you.

Therefore your drive to succeed begins with the resolve to accept the past. If you don’t make up your mind to leave the past behind, it will continue to affect your present and future.

Depending of what one does with the past, it can make or mar the future. By remembering all those negative things people said about you in the past, you unwittingly continue to give them the power to hurt and determine your future so much so, you allow all their negative assessments of you come to past.

Do you realise by your refusal to let the memories of their opinions about you die? You equally make all their negative predictions about you come to life? Give them reasons to justify all that they said about you then as well as continuous right to have a say in your life?

To succeed in life, you must learn to have an opinion of yourself. What is your opinion of yourself? Remember, there is nobody with a better knowledge of you than you. You are the only one who can make or unmake yourself. You are the one with your own blueprint, your own dream as well as the vision to make it work. What other people do in our lives is to help us achieve the dreams we have of ourselves.

If you see failure all around you, there is nothing anybody would say or do that would change what you see around you to success. They can only try to make you see reason, but if your mind is made up that you will not succeed, it will be difficult to make you succeed.

Yes, you are left-handed, so what? As a matter of fact only special people are so blessed. It is indeed a blessing to do something differently from everyone else. If you make a research of those who are left-handed, you will be surprised at the number of world leaders who are.

Being left-handed isn’t a curse, rather a gift from God to do something that everybody can’t do.

So, from today begin to see it as a blessing rather than a curse. You feel differently, because you think it is a curse, something to be ashamed of, to be hidden. All these feelings are negative thoughts, which will never allow you move forward or do anything positively. As a marketer, you think everybody is conscious of your limitation, hence feel very inadequate to market.

The major question you should ask yourself, how has being left-handed affected your level of intelligence or appearance? How does it make you different from the other people around you? Shouldn’t the fact that you are daily being given higher responsibilities in both the circular and spiritual worlds not tell you there is something special about you?

Wake up from the nightmare of the past else it would continue to haunt you.

You don’t have to be a gregarious person to succeed in life. You can be an introvert and still be acceptable to so many. You are the one rejecting every offer of friendship, not people who see in you what you cannot see.

Once you are able to see the quality so many people are today seeing in you to make them want to train under you, request your leadership of the groups they are members of, so many things will begin to work right for you.

By expressing your fears to people, letting them know that you will always need their help to succeed in whatever position of authority you are, you will get the right support to succeed.

Many of us have foundations capable of making us live in fear for the rest of our lives, but have been able to overcome as a result of the special grace of God. What you need is the grace of God to see the special person he has created you to be, once you see how wonderful He has made you, you will not bother about the nightmare of the past, but the wondrous future He has blessed you with.

Go out there and allow the world see who you really are, because underneath all the shyness, pains and fear is a beautiful person waiting to emerge. You are not a mistake, but someone created in absolute love by the Almighty God, who gave you more than the average person, His unconditional grace to change the world around you.

Good luck.

After I Escaped His Trick To Be Deflowered

Dear Agatha,

God continue to bless you for using you to solve so many people’s problems.

I am a girl of 23 years of age, and still a virgin. Without sounding immodest, I have good character as well as qualities in me. This is evident in the number of men who daily want my hand in marriage. I have consistently turned down their requests, because I don't love any of them. You can imagine a man in his 40's and some that are not financially grounded coming to ask for my hand in marriage.

I am looking out for a man who is compatible with me and knows what I want. Fortunately these men were all directed by people whom though I don't know but spoke highly of me. Some of these people have always desired to be friends with me.

What is bothering me now is this particular guy who insists on marrying me, but I am not interested in him. One of the things I have against him is his immaturity. He takes too much for granted.

After turning down his numerous requests to take me out on a date, I finally agreed, unaware of his plans to force me into sleeping with him.

When we got there, I discovered it was a hotel. While in the room, he tried to force me into sleeping with him. When I refused, he threatened that if I don’t agree to marry him, he would get me pregnant.

Since that incident, I have been avoiding him. I want to know if I am still on the right path with God by refusing to greet him.

Oluchi

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Dear Oluchi,

Something tells me you are being stingy with the truth. Besides, so many things don’t fall into place in your story, which makes me wonder at the purpose of your letter.

In the first place, at 23, you are not naïve to know that when a man and woman go into the bedroom alone anything can happen, including rape. When a man takes a woman to the hotel, pays for a room, what do you think he has in mind? A tea party? Are you saying you didn’t know anything when you allowed him to walk you into a hotel and go into a room with him?

Frankly, if he had raped you, nobody would have believed your story, because you would have had a hard time convincing anybody that of your own freewill you went into a hotel room with a man, sat on the same bed with him without you suspecting his motive.

At the point you both entered into the hotel, why didn’t you insist on going back to your house? Why did you follow a man whom you are not interest in having anything to do with into a hotel room? I think you should learn to be very truthful with yourself to avoid the greater calamity of being deceived. The worst kind of tragedy that can befall a woman in particular is that of her self-deception. Be bold enough to admit your own faults to yourself instead of trying to pretend to be who you are not.

A young girl grounded in the ways of God would never in the first place accompany any man into a hotel room. Immediately, she discovers the man is taking her into a hotel, she would insist on being taking back because such a place is not where a young lady should be seen. After all, there are so many eateries where a man can entertain his date.

That you went into the place with him without protest shows your claim to be righteous is suspicious. Righteousness is not what we claim to be, but what we project ourselves to be. It is not an after thought, but something we do effortlessly as well as everyday. Righteousness is like the air we breathe or the food we eat. It comes naturally. What you should ask yourself is where you are right in giving him, the green light only to protect at the last moment? A food that is forbidden should not be toyed with in the first place. You knew you weren’t interested in him, but elected to go into a hotel room with him. What impression did you think he got from that action?

Rather than keep malice with him for something you called upon yourself, you should apologise to him for leading him on. He must be a decent man to have allowed you go without forcing his wishes on you. Not all men can be counted on to do such a gentlemanly thing in a hotel room where no one would condemn him for taking the liberty of what you offer. Learning to say sorry and asking for forgiveness is what endears us to God.

As a young girl just starting out in life, it would do you a lot of good to be very honest about your values, so you don’t end up with nothing at the end of the day. Nobody would blame you if along the line you have made one or two mistakes. It is part of everyday living, but to claim to be who you are not is what irritates as well as attracts condemnation.

Another thing you should avoid is immodesty. Allow people to blow your trumpet, because pride goes before fall.

Good luck.

Pregnant For My Husband’s Friend, Doctor Doubts Abortion…

Dear Agatha,

I know what I am about to share with you is so disgraceful, but when someone is faced with a challenge like the one I am facing, shame takes a distant back seat.

Two years ago, my husband travelled to the United States of America in search for greener pasture. The children and I couldn’t go with him because of so many factors I don’t want to mention here.

When he got there, things too didn’t look too bright, but being a very responsible man, he took the first job he was offered to enable him meet his obligations to us, back in Nigeria.

Things progressively got better until I began to feel lonely. Initially I could control the urges, but it got so bad that I had to capitulate to the feelings at a point especially as a friend of mine who also resides in United States of America called to say my husband was involved with a woman.

He has this friend who has never hidden his interest in me, even when my husband was around. Since he left, he has been a constant visitor to our house, helping out with the children and giving financial support from time to time.

About five months ago he came on one of those days I was missing my husband’s company so much. The children had gone to my sister-in-law’s place to spend the weekend so I was alone.

Unfortunately, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping with each other. From that point it became a regular habit. I guess I got careless because I just found out that I am pregnant for almost three months, and the worst of it all is that the three doctors I went to for abortion declined because of the position of the fetus. They all say if I attempt to do anything to the baby, I might end up dying in the process.

As if that isn’t enough complications, my husband’s friend after giving me money to abort the baby has started avoiding me and has warned me not to allow his wife know about it. He threatened to deny me if I ever make the mistake of mentioning his name to anybody.

Left with no choice, I went for spiritual help only to be told too that this child is indestructible and that any attempt by me would involve my life.

Agatha, please help me out, because this problem is beyond me. I am 34 years of age. How do I face my husband, children, and the world? Who do I tell them is responsible for my pregnancy?

Knowing my husband, not only would he kill me, he would also kill the man who is responsible before taking his own life.

Honestly, I don’t know what I expect from you, but I just need someone to talk to. I also feel like going to my husband’s friend house to tell the wife what has happened and the response of her husband to my situation.

I feel bad at the way he is treating me.

Please help me.

Confused Wife.

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Dear Confused Wife,

I am honestly short of words and as confused as you are on how best you can survive this problem without giving up your home.

Under this circumstance, it is the most honourable thing for you to do. You have done the unforgivable, not only did you commit adultery, you did it with someone considered to be your husband’s friend and are now carrying the result of that incident for all to see.

There is no greater shame than what you have done, sleeping with another man who isn’t your husband, and getting pregnant. That a friend told you that your husband was unfaithful to you doesn’t justify what you have done. It is something you wanted to do, because you couldn’t control your feelings. It would do you a lot of good to accept your mistake, because you knew the motive of this man from the beginning, even when your husband was still around. Yet you didn’t do anything to put a distance between the two of you, report him to your husband and stopped him from coming close to you when your husband travelled.

The truth is you encouraged him, because you felt something for him. He knew it was only a matter of time before you capitulated to his desires for you and he was proven right when you did.

If he is insisting you don’t get his family involved in your little secret, you can’t blame him because you are the one who didn’t think of the implications of sleeping with another man. He didn’t force you to do what you did, and at 34, you can’t claim to be ignorant of what you were going into when you agreed to sleep with him without protection.

Even if truly your husband were having an affair, there is no way you can prove it, whereas the fact of your pregnancy is enough to tell the world that you are guilty of adultery. Besides, being a woman, you are expected to show more decorum when it comes to issues like this, because of the attendant complications that come from a woman playing around. This is because when a woman is a caught pants-down, she not only implicates herself but also drags her innocent children into the mud alongside with her.

What you have done goes beyond your pregnancy to include that of the paternity of your existing children. Understandably, your husband and his family would now begin to question the paternity of your children, especially if they don’t bear close resemblance to him. Even when they do, any misbehaviour would earn them unfavourable remarks from people determined to remind them of their mother’s foible. It would take a long time for these children to function properly on account of what you have done especially if you fail to take a decision now to protect them from your own mistakes.

Before your pregnancy becomes obvious, tell your husband about it. It is unfortunate that this type of information has to be given on phone, but it is best he hears the story from you than from any other one. It is best you make up your mind now to face the music of your actions, no matter how unpleasant the melody. There is no point waiting for your husband to react or send you packing. It won’t do you or your children any good for this matter to blow up on your face.

Telling and leaving him is the most honourable thing to do in this situation. The decision of where to leave the children for now until you have the baby away from prying eyes should be taken by the two of you. The immediate issue now is how to protect your children from this moral mess, something you must emphasis to him. What you are trying to do now is damage control of a truly bad situation.

If your sister-in-law can afford to accommodate the children until the birth of the child, it would be best they are left with her, while you relocate to a place where nobody knows you to have this child.

Once the child is born, things will be a lot easier to control. By then you and your husband can come to an agreement on the best option for the children, but don’t force your opinion or wish, because frankly you have lost every right to insist on anything concerning the welfare of those children.

Sad as this is, it is the way of the society. Many things men get away with, a woman, because of our nature and roles in the society, cannot get away with same.

To earn the respect and support of your children again, it would take determination, sacrifices, new focus, and beginning to achieve. Don’t insist on having custody of the children if your husband decides to make things difficult for you. Try to understand the pains and bitterness he is going through. It is one thing for you to have an affair, but to have done so with his friend and gotten pregnant in the process is more than a lot of men can cope with or get over. So respect his feelings by refusing to respond to whatever he says or actions he takes.

Believe me, it is the only way to make all the talks and nastiness to go away quickly as well as prevent the children from being witnesses to your shame.

As for going to the wife of your lover, what do you hope to achieve by telling his wife? Did he force you into it? Isn’t your situation enough disgrace on it own without you broadcasting what you should cover your face in shame over? He gave what you offered him willingly. Had you treated yourself with the dignity of a married woman, would he have dared to treat you the way he is doing? Such games are for the minors not for a full-fledged woman of 34.

Count your losses and move ahead with the little dignity left.

Good luck.

Mama Halts His Marriage On Tribal Ground

Dear Agatha,

There is this friend of mine that has a big problem, which I know by the grace of God you can solve.

My friend is in a relationship with a girl he loves so much, and the girl equally loves him. Both of them are from different states. The relationship has grown to the level that he considers marrying this girl. I support his plans, because the girl is very industrious.

He discussed with his parents and they accepted his plans, but not to the girl he intends to marry. Their objection is not because the girl is bad, but because of her tribe (Igbo).

My friend’s father is not really against it but his mother, who does not have a formal education and can barely speak English, objects to her son marrying outside their tribe.

She complains that if the son gets married to her, she won't be able to communicate with her especially when she puts to birth, since the girl does not understand their language. She is insisting her son look for another girl from their place. My friend is so confused, don’t know what to do and has told the girl who understandably felt heartbroken and rejected.

Agatha, can she be right? Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Good Friend.

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Dear Good Friend,

Your friend doesn’t seem to know what he wants from life, if he did, he would have been able to persuade the mother to think about his own happiness and not her inability to communicate with the girl when she puts to bed.

Your friend would have been able to assure the mother that there is no limit to learning, and that overtime both of them would be able to work out their own method of communication. After all, she won’t be the only mother whose son married a woman who cannot speak her native tongue.

If your friend is actually in love with this woman and is convinced that she makes him happy, he would have done everything to enlist the support of his mother.

Telling the lady about his mother’s feelings and opinion shows that he is not ready for the institution of marriage. He still has a lot to learn, because even when he decides to marry a girl from his clan, what assurance does he have that his mother wouldn’t come up with another excuse to jettison the relationship from coming into full bloom?

In the first place, a relationship is about two people and any man serious about setting up a home never allows third party intervention in his home. His mother can be excused on account of the limitations placed on her by her environment as well as her exposure, but your friend who is more educated and has knowledge of the ability of the woman he hopes to marry is better placed to mediate between the two women. Rather than tell his woman about the submission of his mother, he should have been man enough to tell his mother that this is the only woman who makes him happy.

He should have asked his mother what made a good wife, the woman’s ability to communicate in their local dialect or capability at making him happy?

A man who knows what he wants from life would have asked the mother what is most essential to her, a woman who is respectful, resourceful or one who meets with her requirement of being able to speak in her native tongue, but rude and disrespectful?

His inability to offer his woman protection is an indication that he may not really be in charge of his marriage at the end of the day.

It might be a blessing in disguise for the lady, who though hurting now should begin to reconsider her choice, because if something as mundane as her inability to speak the same dialect can torpedo the relationship, what guarantees are there that when something major comes up in the relationship, the man would not abandon her to her own fate?

Even if the man comes back, she needs more than mere assurances that he would stand by her through thick and thin.

On the issue of whether your friend’s mother is right, you know she isn’t, because if truly she is after her son’s happiness, the first thing would have been to accept the girl and teach her how to speak the language.

Your role, as a good friend, is to go to your friend’s mother and find out the real issue. If she insists it is just a mere matter of both of them being unable to communicate effectively, assure her it is a simple matter of the lady being taught the basic words to give both of them a starting point.

Assure her that the lady has expressed her willingness to earn her support by going out of her way to learn the dialect of her husband’s people.

Knowing that she intends to learn may thaw the tension generated by her attitude. You also need to talk to your friend too especially as it has to do with the running of his home.

Your role as a true friend is to ensure peace as well as make out time to pray for both of them.

Good luck.

Help! Parents Persecute Me For Changing My Faith

Dear Agatha,

I live in one of the Islamic states in Nigeria. I recently moved over to a new faith called Christianity and since then it has not been easy for me. This is because I come from a very strong Islamic family.

Before my conversion, I repeatedly kept having strange dreams of a different calling but didn’t understand what these dreams were about as at then.

Thank God I now understand the messages all the dreams were trying to convey. One Sunday, without telling anybody in the house except my sister, I went into a place I had never entered before and which until that point irritated me to my bone.
But on this particular Sunday, a power beyond my comprehension took me to that particular church, a small place but one I am glad I went into. It was smoothening to my soul. I met new friends who all embraced and welcomed me as if they had known me all my life.

Almost immediately, the news started spreading in the community that I had committed an abomination because my father, an Alhaji, is also an Iman in a mosque.

I was supposed to take after him being the only son of the family of 26 children and four wives. Before I knew what was happening, the church I attended was suddenly burnt to dust. Some people said it was an accident, but I know what happened to it.

Since then, no church in my area allows me into its building to prevent the accident that happened to the first church. Despite the opposition from my family, I feel am doing the right thing, but the frustration is just too much for me now.

My father plans to take me to the village very soon, a place I will have no Christian friends and my movement restricted.

I attend the polytechnic in my state and my father has told me I risk losing my education if I continue my madness. The only person I missed is my friend who stood by me despite all odds. He was posted out of the state after he was attacked by people said to be “area boys”, but I know who sent them.

Please I don’t have friends who are Christians and right now, I am willing to forgo my education and follow the dictates of my heart, but I need encouragement and advice from people who are Christians who are our there. This is why I want you to help publish my mobile 08057852877 because the people who are around me are discouraging me. All I want is support to prove them wrong and keep firm in my new faith.

Abdul.

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Dear Abdul,

Nothing good ever comes easy and change is never easy to bring about especially when it involves conversion from known religion to the other.

Your parents’ reaction is normal because they don’t understand why you are leaving a familiar tradition for a new one. They don’t feel what you feel inside; besides, they have a dream and heritage, one you are expected to fit into or inherit from them.

Being the only son out of 26 children, your father’s expectation is very high. You represent his tradition, life as well as the heritage of a long line of ancestors. This is why he is prepared to do anything to make sure you don’t destroy something he had preserved, holding in trust for his forefathers.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the ways of God, we are nothing but clay in His hands. He is an unquestionable God, who doesn’t need our support or contribution to do what He pleases.

He has chosen you to follow Him and frankly, there is little you can do to prevent the tide from going the way He pleases.

Since He called you out of the family, He knows about all the situations you are going through and has other plans for you. At this critical stage, what you need to do first is to discover the awesomeness of the God who called you. It is Him you should turn to the most. It is the only way you can be exposed to His presence as well as prepare you for the challenges of overcoming the antagonism of your family.

While it is good to have others around you to help you grow in your new religion, there is no alternative to hearing Him guide you Himself on what you must do and how to go about it. You must know the reason He called you out of your house to be able to defend Him always. Without you creating the room for this personal experience, you may never get to Him the personal way every child knows his or her father.

It is only when you know His voice that you can recognise it and follow His instruction without questions.

Learn how to talk to Him by praying to Him to show you how to handle your family as well as demonstrate His presence in your life.

In this journey, you are going to be maligned, disowned by people who are your friends, everything may turn upside down but know that God is leading you to new things, removing your old garments and replacing them with newer ones, changing your destiny from what you thought it was to something He planned for you even before you were born, is all you need to stay focused.

Whatever your parents do, it is essential you don’t hold anything against them because the God you now serve is one who is forgiving and accommodating. You must learn to handover every thing, issue, thoughts to God to triumph in your new journey of faith.

Don’t take any decision on your own. Learn to be properly guided by the Holy Spirit whose ministry is to lead us in the right direction. The issue of you discontinuing your education or not, should be left in the hands of God. At the right time, He will show you how to progress but before then, pray in your heart every moment you have. It is the one place your family cannot go into to disturb, attack or burn.

As for having friend to share the fellowship with, it is necessary and I am sure a lot of Christians who read this piece will get in touch with you.

Don’t worry, God will navigate a path out of your problems for you because He never begins a thing He has no intention of finishing. For some of us, our call is easier than others depending on the role He has in mind for you.

Good luck.

I Don’t Want To Marry The Mother Of My Child

Dear Agatha,

I need advice. I am 34 and my woman is 23. We both have a child, a one-year-old baby girl between us. We are yet to marry officially.

Despite having a child together, I am scared of having any permanent arrangement with her. From her attitude, stubbornness, quarrelsome and fighting habits, I am thinking of looking for another woman to marry because I won’t be able to cope with her general attitude. Her attitude is making me reconsider whatever plans we had together.

Because of the child between us, I am faced with the choice of marrying another girl or managing her irrespective of her character. My parents all support my marrying her for the sake of justice.

Luk.

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Dear Luk,

Granted, marriage is a product of sentiments and emotions but when it comes to its execution and sustainability, it pays from the beginning to be realistic about one’s goals as well as workability of the relationship.

Although the child between the two of you should ordinarily qualify her for the position of being your wife, but knowing the various components that make up the framework of marriage, it is in the long run overall interest of your union for both of you, particularly you who is having this huge misgivings about marrying her, to consider well.

Being a lifetime commitment, you have every right to worry about the character as well as disposition of the woman you intend living with for the rest of your life. Being the major players in the union, there is no emphasising the need for both of you to have a uniformed focus as well as a certain level of understanding to be able to confront and defeat the inherent challenges of two people coming together under the agreement of marriage.

Like in every partnership, respect is mandatory because without it, chance of the union to make headway is suspect. From this early beginning, both of you must learn about the virtue of mutual respect. Both of you must know what your limitations are as well as outright forbidden areas.

No matter what her background may be, she has to be willing to give it up for the happiness of her marriage.

Aside the issues you mentioned, what other issue are you not comfortable with? Have you at anytime tried to point her at the implications of her attitude on whatever plans she has of marrying you? What is her reaction when you tell her about your displeasure with her quality of behaviour? When did it begin to bother you or notice that she is what you consider anti-social? Was it before or after the birth of your daughter? What were your views of her before the arrival of the baby?

Most importantly, have you bothered to look at her background? Except for some very few, many of us are reflections of what our backgrounds are. Where did you two meet? And before going to bed with her and getting her pregnant, did you bother to investigate her person, background, attitude as well as disposition towards life? Did you simply take her to bed because she was just one woman who caught your fancy?

And what assurances do you have that another woman would be different from her? What mistakes do you think you made in the first place? Did you ever love her, consider her as being part of you? What plans do you have for the child? In your opinion, what kind of marriage do you have in mind? And what do you understand by marriage – a stress-free union or one with plenty of compromises, sacrifices, tolerance and patience? Are you sure these issues you are objecting to in her character would not appear insignificant later in life when the years have mellowed down the rigidity you feel now? Isn’t there a quality about her that you find so irresistible and irreplaceable in another woman; something so strong to help you cope with her not too good side?

These are the issues you must first address as honestly as possible before you make up your mind about another woman or not. Frankly, your perception of marriage is integral to the resolution of the emotional impasse you have found yourself in.

Because the life and future of an innocent child is involved, be truthful that what you complain about her are real issues you simply cannot cope with either now or in the future.

Bear in mind that as a person, we all come with factory defects; there are some habits you have which are simply unacceptable but which she is learning to cope with because of love.

At this point, please call her to discuss the future with her. Having a child together means you cannot afford to treat her like you would treat any other woman or consign her to history forever. The child between you means whether you both like it or not, you would always have occasion to speak or come together in a social gathering.

To avoid permanent enmity between the two of you, the talk should be honest and very extensive. It is also important both of you come to a consensus on the final decision to prevent the child suffering from the results of the emotional war such a situation normally generates.

If convinced that you cannot cope with her, it is best you take the decision now to free her from the double burden of being a mother and a divorcee? It is also important at this stage to think of the welfare of the child who must not suffer lack of care, affection and attention.

It is also important that every member of your family is carried along because you need their cooperation in the care of the baby whether the child stays with her mother or you.

When all issues are brought to the open and jointly agreed on, it forecloses any room for suspicion or rumours.

Importantly, please pray about this and listen to God’s word on the matter.

Good luck.

Should He Change His Religion?

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I met him online. We love each other a lot. It is just that he is Muslim and I’m a Christian. He lives in Sri-Lanka, while I live in Nigeria. What do we do? His parents support us, but I know my parents won’t.

He wants to come over in six months time for our engagement, but I am confused. Should I tell him to change his religion?

G. Girl.

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Dear G. Girl,

You knew all about his religion before falling in love with him, so why are you now bothered about it? Or is it that you are not sure about what you feel for this man?

Asking him to change his religion is very unrealistic and certainly doesn’t offer any meaningful solution to your religious differences. It would only serve to deceive your parents who at the end would be hurt when they discover what you have done in your desperation to marry the man you say you have fallen in love with.

Instead of trying to deceive your parents and yourself in the process, take time out to ask yourself why you are in this relationship, what you find most interesting and essential in this man?

Deep in your heart, do you think you love him unconditionally enough to let go of everything that is familiar and proud to advertise this love? Your fear about confronting your parents with his religion as well as your willingness to make him tell a lie should sound as an alarm to you. If anything at all it shows your feelings need to be subject to further scrutiny to avoid preventable mistakes in your life. Marriage is a lot more serious than you are making it out to be. For any marriage to work, it requires plenty of honesty, tolerance as well as immeasurable sacrifices.

Besides, what do you know about him, his culture, his people and their way of life? Have you seen him, interacted with him to know for sure he is the right man for you?

Your parents’ opposition may not come from your religious differences as such, but from all the other considerations that make a marriage succeed.

The first thing for you now is to ask him to come, not to pay your bride price, but to give both of you a fair chance of sizing up your acceptability of each other.

What you have of each other is an Internet image, which could just be a puff of cloud. No viable marriage can be built on idealism; it needs plenty of bitter doses of reality to make it work.

So, get your priority right before taking that essential step. If the feeling is real and right, both of you would cross this very bridge when you get there.

Good luck.