Online Romance, Religion May Deny Us My Parents’ Assent

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I met him online. We love each other a lot. Just that he is Muslim and I’m a Christian. He lives in Sri-Lanka, while I live in Nigeria. What do we do? His parents support us, but I know my parents won’t.

He wants to come over in six months time for our engagement, but I am confused. Should I tell him to change his religion?

G. Girl.

---

Dear G. Girl,

You knew all about his religion before falling in love with him. So why are you now bothered about it? Or is it that you are not sure about what you feel for this man?

Asking him to change his religion is very unrealistic and certainly doesn’t offer any meaningful solution to your religious differences. It would only serve to deceive your parents who at the end would be hurt when they discover what you have done in your desperation to marry the man you say you have fallen in love with.

Instead of trying to deceive your parents and yourself in the process, take time out to ask yourself why you are in this relationship, what you find most interesting and essential in this man?

Deep in your heart, do you think you love him unconditionally enough to let go of everything that is familiar and proud to advertise this love? Your fear about confronting your parents with his religion as well as your willingness to make him tell a lie should sound as an alarm to you. If anything at all it shows your feelings need to be subject to further scrutiny to avoid preventable mistakes in your life. Marriage is a lot more serious than you are making it out to be. For any marriage to work, it requires plenty of honesty, tolerance as well as immeasurable sacrifices.

Besides, what do you know about him, his culture, his people and their ways of life? Have you seen him, interacted with him to know for sure he is the right man for you?

Your parents’ opposition may not come from your religious differences as such, but from all the other considerations that make a marriage succeed.

The first thing for you now is to ask him to come, not to pay your bride price, but to give both of you a fair chance of sizing up your acceptability of each other.

What you have of each other is an Internet image, which could just be a puff of cloud. No viable marriage can be built on idealism; it needs plenty of bitter doses of reality to make it work.

So, get your priority right before taking that essential step. If the feeling is real and right, both of you would cross this very bridge when you get there.

Good luck.

I Want Her Against My Mother’s Stand, But…

Dear Agatha,

Please help me out of these challenges. I cannot help myself although I am a regular reader of your column. I met this lady last year in school, and we fell in love.

Even though she has been significantly instrumental to the success of the relationship, there are some critical issues confronting us as a couple.

The first has to do with my mother’s opposition to the relationship. According to my mother, being her first son, she cannot allow me to marry from outside our tribe.

Another source of worry is how the relationship has impacted negatively on my academic performance, as my GP is 2, while hers is 2.75.

Furthermore, she wants me to rent my own apartment to give her full access to me. Even though I had tried to resist it as a result of the accident my father had last year, which in a way, has affected the standard of living in my family, she is still very determined to make sure I do as she says. Her pressure is beginning to affect me. The only way I can move on in the banking industry is to have good grades.

Since the commencement of my relationship with her, my academic status has depreciated. I sincerely want to leave her, but don’t know how. She has made up her mind on marrying and spending the rest of her life with me whatever the reactions of my mother towards her may be. Meanwhile she is also in the same level with me.

Please what can I do?

Dafe.

---

Dear Dafe,

How is the relationship affecting your academic concentration? Is it that she doesn’t give you the time to read or that you are unable to make the distinction between how much time to devote to your studies and other things?

Sincerely speaking, you are your own problem. If you know the reasons for your being in that school, you won’t give her any chance to upturn your life in the way you claim she is doing. As a man, you must be able to dictate the pace of a relationship. If your studies were important enough to you, you would know how appropriately to divide your time between your business in that school and the pleasure of the flesh.

Whatever is happening to you now as well as in this relationship comes from your weakness as a man as well as lack of clear focus on the things that are most important to you.

Having realised the danger you put your future to, it isn’t too late to re-order your priority. Begin by sitting her now and telling her precisely what you think of her demands that you get a place of your own. Let her understand that you don’t have that kind of money and that for someone who wants to share in your life, you expect her to be more understanding of the extra financial pressures your father’s accident has placed on your shoulders.

Also discuss the problems you are having with your academic performance as a result of all the pressures she is putting on you. Make her understand that if both of you desire a fulfilled future she has to learn to accept and live with you on what you can provide for now, else she has the choice of quitting the relationship.

The danger of you constantly trying to please her is giving her false hopes about your ability and when it gets to the point of you not being able to cope again, you risk losing her to another person who has better chances of coping with her demands.

So, make up your mind now on what you want from life, because with this type of girl there is no telling what she is capable of doing later in life. There is no way you can continue to give or keep what you don’t have. Let her know you cannot afford those things she is demanding. To continue to give her the impression that you can is to postpone doom’s day and make yourself utterly miserable at the end of it all.

A wise man knows when to quit all pretenses with a woman. You are at that vital point in your life. If you don’t train her to live within your means now by allowing her the freedom to force her will on you, you may never be able to control her demands. The ball is in your court so make up your mind as well as the boldness to do what you have to do to avoid the greater calamity of jeopardising your future.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I want to say God will reward you as you solve many problems for us.

I am a chartered accountant. I hail from Abeokuta, Ogun State. I am 45 years old. I work and live in Lagos State.

I am single and ready to marry any lady between the ages of 35-45 years. I am 5.90'' tall, chocolate black in complexion and handsome. Would appreciate if a lady, who is single, divorce and widow without kids between the ages of 35-45 years gets in touch with me. She must be working or have a business of her own as well as ready to settle down. An interested lady, who fits into the bill, can contact me on any of these phone numbers: 08059415060 or 07040915301.

Abiola Jackson.

Ancestral Curse: We Live In Poverty Despite His Fat Job

Dear Agatha,

I have been married for a while. My first child is an undergraduate at the Lagos State University while my last child is in primary five at a private school.

Since marrying my husband, I have never received a kobo from him by way of allowance or feeding money like other married women get from their men.

Ours wasn’t a long courtship. As a matter of fact, we got married within five months of meeting. We had to rush through the process of marriage when I became pregnant with our first child in the first two months of knowing each other.

I come from very strict Christian background and my parents, especially my father, would have killed me had he any inkling into what I had been up to. He was then, and still, a respected member of the Deeper Life Church.

Besides my parents, our church’s doctrine on dating and relationship was very rigid. My husband and I weren’t expected to exchange visits without chaperons not to talk of being alone. Well, knowing how determined the heart of lovers can be, we circumvented them all and slept with each other before our wedding night. We had to lie about a foreign posting that would keep him in that country for three years to get a quick date to prevent everyone knowing about my state. Since the church policy include low profile wedding, we didn’t have much problems organising the wedding.

We had to tell this lie to protect our parents and prevent us from being expelled from the church. We also lied about the baby’s actual date when born. We claimed the baby was born premature.

A preview of what my wedding life would look like came the next day when I asked for money to fend for his family members and mine that stayed over after the wedding ceremony. He told me to use my money to fend for them. For the three days they stayed, I alone catered for them. Three members of his family stayed back and now live with us.

They were initially staying with his elder brother whose wife refused the responsibility of caring for them. To avoid being labelled a bad wife, I had to take up the challenge of housing and educating them. But the cost of things is getting more prohibitive everyday. They want to further their studies to the university. I can’t cope with the financial demands of training them through the university especially as my business isn’t as lucrative as before.

Besides, I am building a house because our landlord is becoming a problem. This is in addition to the fact that we have spent our entire married life in the same compound. Though it’s a three-bedroom affair, but the shame is becoming too much for me to tolerate. Imagine spending 20 years in the same place!

I have since resigned myself to fate but what I find most unfair is my husband’s attitude, he is insisting I train his siblings or leave his house. What he does with his money, I don’t know. He has a good job but you cannot fathom what he does with it, because even most his clothes are shabby. To cover my shame, I sometime go out of my way to buy him clothes.

Severally I have tried sitting him down to know what the problem is as I know he isn’t sending money to his parents since they still live in the same abject poverty I met them.

The strange thing is that his brother is exactly like him. His wife is suffering the same things I am going through. As a bank manager, his brother cannot boast of a plot of land.

My parents have since washed their hands off him because he is rude and very temperamental. He has also stopped attending church. He neither smokes nor drinks, but I know in my spirit that something is very wrong with their family. There is no member of his family that is progressing even though they all have very good job.

In addition to him insisting I train his siblings, how do I prevent my children from inheriting what seems like a family curse? Out of frustration, I left the Deeper Life Church for The Redeemed Christian Church of God.

Please advice me on how to go about the numerous problems I face in my marriage. Much as I want to pack up my marriage, I am afraid of what my family would say.

Jibike.

---

Dear Jibike,

First you have to go to God to ask for forgiveness for the lies you told the church at the beginning of your married life to get a quick date for the wedding and to cover the actual age of the baby at birth.

Yours is the typical example of why an intending couple should date for a considerate length of time before getting married. Had you taken the time to properly study your man instead of getting in between the sheets with him, you would have known what type of man you were marrying as well as the type of family you were marrying into.

It is too late in the day to pack it up. If it is any consolation, it is good thing the matter isn’t peculiar to your husband alone in the family. Since it runs through them all, you should find a way of getting the parents and everyone else in the family involved in finding the solution.

First you have to investigate the reason the family is into the problem. Your best starting point is your parents’ in-law. Being in the family for 20 years has given you the right to demand for forthright answers.

Ask them what they know about the conditions of their family, why all the children seem to be having similar problem and why they seem unperturbed about it. Demand to know what they are doing about the situation of their children.

The truth is problems like these don’t just happen without a reason. For it to be reoccurring is an indication that something is really wrong with the foundation of the family. If the children are ignorant, they can’t claim to too. So ask them what they know especially if their extended family members are making progress.

Knowing the source or the problems would enable you know the angle to direct your prayers to. But before you start asking questions you have to fortify yourself with prayers and fasting, because what you are about to face is a spiritual warfare. If you know you lack the spiritual power to confront the problem, ask your pastor and prayer warriors to back you up with support, because you will definitely come under spiritual attack. Depending on what the pastor thinks, the whole family may have to go for deliverance, backed up with fasting and prayers.

As for your husband’s siblings, you have done the major work of sending them to secondary school. If you can afford to finish what you have started by paying their university fees, do it. But if you can’t, help them get something to do. It is the least you can do for them to ensure they are useful to themselves and society. Don’t abandon them completely as a result of your husband’s attitude. Sincerely, you do have a reason to but ignore your husband and do the best you can for these children.

By now you should be used to your husband’s way, having lived with him for two decades.

Rather than waste energy worrying about mundane things, hand him over to God in prayers. Tell God to remould him into the type of husband you desire in him, because there is nothing beyond God. All you have to do is to trust him because even if you keep changing churches, without the essential trust in God, nothing major would happen in your marriage.

God that has stood by you all these years is not about to leave you now to suffer. He would always make ways where there seems to be none. I appreciate how frustrating and painful your experiences are, but be assured all these would one day become a thing of the past.

To help you go on, pause and take a stock of all that God has done for you. Look at your children and how priceless they are. Can money buy any of them? Definitely not! So stop worrying and give God the glory for His mercies. Always remember this; patience is the only thing that never fails.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I am David, 27 years of age; need a sincere lady from any part of the country. Any interested lady should call or text me on 08057276371, no beeping please, or should e-mail me on, ••princedave4u2004@yahoo.com••

David.

I Urgently Need To Get Better Look

Dear Agatha,

Please I have oily skin, pimples and spots. In less than two months I will be getting married. Please recommend cleansers and creams that will help me improve on my looks.

Worried Bride to Be.

---

Dear Worried Bride To Be,

I cannot recommend creams for you here, because I don’t know your précised skin type as well as the reasons for your break out. It might be best for you to see a dermatologist.

But one thing I would tell you is to invest on good cleansers after you have seen a dermatologist. Also ensure you eat plenty of fruits and vegetable because a lot of time some of our skin problems come from what we eat and caring for the outer skin alone in most cases don’t really clear the problems.

For your wedding day, ask a cosmetologist for help. There are very good concealers that would cover up all your blemishes making you radiant on your special day.

Good luck.

Body Odour Is No Incurable Disease

Dear Agatha,

God bless you for the great job you are doing for humanity.

Referring to the article on body odour, you have said it all. I just want to send my piece of modest advice, which works for me.

In addition to what you have said, she should use original medicated soap like Tura soap, which I use. She should ensure it is mildly wet and rub it thoroughly under her armpit, allowing it stay for about five minutes prior to having her shower. After her shower, she should rub it again under armpit to supplement cream. It is very effective if she could get the original one.

Ca.

Before Her Cold Attitude Sends Me Packing…

Dear Agatha,

I read your articles and I must say you have been doing a wonderful job, more grease to your elbows. I am 26 years of age, dating a lady, 24. I love her so much, but I am having a little problem with her, making doubt her love for me. The issue is, she finds it difficult to create room for communication, especially when we are apart.

I have tried as much as I can to talk to her about it, but each time I do, she always tells me her battery is flat and she doesn’t have my number by hand. She promised to change when I once told her not to give me that excuse again. However, after that she travelled for three days without calling me. I tried to call her, but her phone was switched off, as if that was not enough, when she came back, she didn’t bother to call me.

When I went to her office and she saw me, she rushed to hug me, but I ignored her. I told her my reason for coming was primarily to find out if she is back since I was very worried about her.  I left after telling her my reason for coming.

Agatha, the truth of the matter is that she was dating someone when I met her. Though she told me she wasn’t in love with the guy, but going by her attitude, I am confused about and don’t know what to think anymore. I really need your advice on what to do, because as it stands now, I have been rejecting her calls and even told her not to bother disturbing me again.

Smart.
 

---

Dear Smart,

The bit about her not calling you often is still something you can both manage and work at, because many of us are still battling ignorant about the potency of effective communication in a relationship.

However, she erred terribly by not telling you she has returned from her trip.

In all, it still doesn’t say much about her feelings for you, which is why you must approach this issue with caution and wisdom to avoid making a hurried decision.

Until the point you went to her office to find out if she is okay, she may not really appreciate why she must call you as often as you want her to do. But you attitude must have communicated something to her for her to be calling you as she is doing now. It shows that she cares and isn’t willing to lose you.

This is the time for you to make her comprehend your position on this matter. Accept her call and demand for a meeting. In most cases, this I have found out from very personal experience, people who are not in the habit of calling others don’t think anything is wrong if those special persons in their lives don’t call too. They just accept it as part of life because they are not used to calling others.

So getting worked up over the matter won’t change a thing except to make her understand the negative thoughts it is conjuring in your head about her sincerity to you.

Let her understand how you really feel and how you think she is dating another man as well as the possibility of using you as a fall back plan should anything go wrong in her other relationship.

Also demand to know how she would feel if you not only stop calling her, but decide to be very indifferent to her? Once you stop playing up the issue of her refusal to call and concentrate on all the other implications of her cold attitude, she would be forced to have a rethink. Let her know how you felt coming to her office and meeting her there while you were worried all the time about her safety. To drive home your point, ask her, how she would feel or think if you were the one that did that to her or not calling her.

Telling her in clear terms that you think her attitude has to do with someone else in her life has the ability to either make her sit up or collapse the relationship entirely.

Whatever happens, it is best you both have a discussion first.

Good luck.

I’m Not Ready, Yet He’s Anxious

Dear Agatha,

I am a girl of 24 years of age and a 400 Level undergraduate. I have been in a relationship with a man for four years. I really like him a lot despite all the problems we are having as a couple. He is a Muslim while I am of the Catholic faith. Initially, our religious differences didn’t present a problem to both of us until I informed my parents about his religion.

Recently, I met another man, though a Christian but not a Catholic. He is very mature prompting a deep likeness for him inside of me. His presence created problems with my first boyfriend as my love for him just fizzled out.

This new guy is ready for marriage, he is 34 year old, but I want to be a graduate and get a job before talking about marriage. I have a phobia for being a full-time housewife, not having a career, dependent on my spouse for everything. I have this feeling that the man would begin to misbehave if he is the only one paying all the bills. I have tried to convince him but he wants to be married between now and early next year.

Besides, I don’t know if his age would bother me, though he doesn’t carry it around him and I don’t know if I am making a mistake about him. Don’t get me wrong, we love each other, but I feel as if I am slowing him down and he is hasting me up in this quest for marriage.

Worried Lady.

---

Dear Worried Lady,

Marriage isn’t an institution you go into without adequate preparation or reasonable knowledge of the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with. To do that is to end up getting hurt and enduring a union which God intended you to enjoy.

What do you know about this man; his temperament, attitude, disposition as well as thinking to make you want to marry him? Besides, what do you understand by love in the first place? Isn’t his insistence that you both marry now an indication that both of you still need plenty of time to study each other? That you both don’t have the same desires? Frankly, it is a warning sign to both of you to tread softly in your quest to marry. For instance, marriage on his timetable means having children because at his age he seems to be under pressure to be like some of his mates who have settled and are having children. Whereas, at 24, your need appear very different from him. You want to finish your education, do your compulsory national service and have a job before thinking of getting married. Your dreams are world apart and unless you both have the zeal, confidence as well as honesty to face and address the challenges, the attendant frustration of following in your individual dreams would end up instigating the collapse of the union.

Having made up your mind that you can’t be a full-time housewife, any man who attempts to make you one would end up becoming your enemy after a while especially on those occasions he either denies you a request or behaves in a way you think is necessitated by your being a full-time housewife. In such an arrangement, you will never be completely happy, even if the man is faultless. The death of your childhood dream will always stand as the albatross of the union.

On the other hand, he too would never be absolutely happy if you keep him waiting because he has also worked himself into believing that marriage is now for him. From his stance, he clearly doesn’t have the patience and time to wait for you to do all those things you have lined up because his mind appears made up by the deep thirst he feels for matrimony.

Therefore both of you are dragging at the rope of your happiness at the opposing ends. Unless a sort of compromise is negotiated, one devoid of selfishness but with plenty of understanding as well as an attitude of enduring sacrifice, it would be very difficult for both of you to operate as a couple.

There is also the little concern of you being comfortable with the 10 years age gap between the two of you as well as the major matter of his presentation. There is no way you can hope to be proud of your husband or comfortable in his company if you have an issue with his age or appearance. Chances are you would begin to misbehave especially when a mischievous mind makes a reference to it. You have to first be at peace with the choice you have made to be able to defend it. Do you think you have what it takes to laugh and defend this age differences between the two of you?

So before you agree to his proposal and time, there is the need for both of you to iron out these grey areas with all the honesty they deserve to forestall the calamity that comes from a hasty and ill-thought out marriage proposal. Don’t allow him hasten you into a situation you are not prepared for even if you think you love him. Situations come up in marriage which love alone cannot sustain it.

More often than not, a crack in marriage needs more than the power of love to mend. Most times, it takes a determination fuelled by knowledge of what a marriage entails, acceptance of the choice one has made, and a thorough understanding of friendship to make it work. You must be absolutely comfortable with the choices before you to have an enduring marriage and sure of your feelings.

To be candid, you need time away from these two men to think clearly. There is no way you can think with the two of them hanging around you. This is one time you need to be alone to make a clear and viable choice for your future. And being alone means anchoring it on God through prayers. It would do you a world of good to trust God completely on this issue. Listen to what He tells you to do because you are also at your most vulnerable emotionally.

Good luck.

I Don’t Trust My Wife

Dear Agatha,

I am an elderly man, in my late 60s, blessed with children who are all graduates and married as well as a sizeable number of grandchildren. I’m also a one-time widower and now re-married to one of the most remarkable women I have ever met. She too has been married before and has two children from her previous marriage. She is not only intelligent but very pretty and accommodating and unfortunately, these qualities that endear her to me are the very same threatening me.

The few of my friends who have seen her are envious of my good fortune at meeting such a remarkable woman who from all indices has what it takes any day and time to hold her own as well as make her man very happy.

One would have thought with my experiences in life, having stayed with a woman for over 30 years before losing her to death, I would be better equipped to deal with any situation I find myself in with a woman.

I have however discovered to my dismay that no matter how old one is, there is always a lesson somewhere for one to learn.

Agatha, I just want to unburden my heart and hope in the process some of the guilt I feel at the way I am treating this young woman I know God specifically brought my way would lessen.

In some strange ways I find it difficult to part with money or time for her. It isn’t something I want to do but I find myself doing it and from all that says to me, I know I am hurting her. In some morbid way, I want to see how far she can endure with me.

Honestly, she hasn’t ever given me any reason to doubt her but I think like all other women her interest in me has to do with money and not love. I can’t imagine a very pretty woman and one so comfortable opting for me if not because of money.

Frankly, I enjoy her company, love her with my entire heart because she has succeeded in bringing to the fore all the hidden hopes and emotions that died in me following the death of my late wife.

I sincerely want to spend the rest of my life with her but how do I stop hurting and learn to trust her? I am beginning to be afraid that if I continue to be this cruel to her, she would do what I fear the most, pack up the relationship for good. Already, she is beginning to complain about the way I neglect her.

Agatha, judging by your photograph on your **Sunday Independent** column, I know you are younger, in fact, of the same age with my current wife, but I have come with a sense of urgency for you to provide an old man with the wisdom to manage his latter years successfully.

I love my wife but I have seen and dealt with a lot of women in my time to trust any woman completely.

Smith.

---

Dear Smith,

I am glad that you know you are hurting an innocent woman who from all indications must love you sufficiently to take on the responsibility of caring and managing older stepchildren as well as numerous grandchildren.

A lot of women would shy away from it all considering the attendant problems associated with taking on older stepchildren who may or may not decide to accept any woman in the place of their mother.

If she is my age that responsibility is huge and must come from a heart that is loaded with love and trust for the man she has decided to spend the rest of her life with.

This is so because from your own admission, the attraction isn’t money induced. If you admit being stingy with your money and time when it concerns her, then you need to treat her with care else you lose a special gift God indeed decided to bless you with in your old age.

From what you have said so far, her decision couldn’t have been based on any material consideration but true love for you.

To help yourself understand why you are hurting an innocent person, take a retrogressive look into your past. What kinds of women were you involved with while your wife was still alive and after her death? Were they the kind of women who flocked around you as a result of money and other material considerations? Chances are they were for you to have developed this kind of behaviour and come to such conclusions that she must be after the money which ironically she doesn’t know you have since you have refused to part with any.

In the interest of this marriage as well as your well-being, it is important you find a way of burying whatever disappointments you had with all the women you got yourself entangled in, in the past to avoid you having painful regrets in your old age. You must be very lucky for God to have decided to bless you with this kind of woman so, don’t on account of whatever unpleasant experiences you had in the past allow her to slip out of your hands.

At your age, this is the time you need a woman the most in your life, someone to give you peace, companionship, care as well as friendship. These are the things you need to live a fulfilled life at your age, things money or just anybody cannot give you.
If you end up driving her away, you may be the worst for it because this is the age at which you need the presence of a companion the most. Very soon, all the children would be pre-occupied with their own families and may not have the time for you as they would have wished. Don’t hesitate to discuss your worries and fears with her, whatever the issues may be either from your past or with her in particular. She needs to know to be able to offer help as well as know what adjustments she has to make to integrate trust in your relationship.

You must learn to trust the person you see to be happy. This woman may not be 100 per cent perfect but from the little you have said about her, she is trying her best and would require your help to be what you want her to be.

By getting rid of the burdens of your past experiences, you will find it a lot easier to trust her.

She hasn’t done anything wrong to warrant your distrust of her. Give her all the chance to make you happy. If she is beginning to complain, it means what you are doing to her has already made her reconsider her decision to marry you, wonder what she has done to warrant your cruel treatment of her and possibly at the wisdom in her decision to marry you.

When a woman gets to this point in her thoughts; her husband risks losing her respect as well as her commitment to issues that concern him. This is not necessarily by having an affair but by withdrawing into her shell and refusing to give her best to him any more.

This is becoming the bane of most marriages whether young or old, the reason a lot of women are opting for single parenthood. Whatever your challenges are as a man, please for the sake of your happiness and well-being, discuss them with her and stop making her feel she made the worst kind of decision getting involved with you again.
Also learn to pray more than you have always done to make this marriage happy.

Good luck.

I’m Finished, My Son Impregnates My Daughter

Dear Agatha,

I am finished. I don’t know where to turn to or what to do anymore. The children I have devoted my entire life serving have decided to be the cause of my destruction.

Seventeen years ago, my husband and I went our different ways. Being such an irresponsible man, I took away with me the three children of the marriage. He didn’t bother to come after us, and no any member of his family did too. According to his mother, they would see how far I went with the training of the children. His mother never liked me from the very first moments she first saw me.

She didn’t hesitate to tell the son that I wasn’t the kind of wife she had in mind for him. Because I was already pregnant at the time, the son had no choice but to go ahead with the wedding plans we had both put in place.

On the day of our wedding the mother came in very late and didn’t bother to hide her displeasure at all. When it was time for her to take photographs with us, she announced to anyone who cared to listen that the marriage wouldn’t last. Hence needless for her to waste her time posing for photographs.

She gave me a very tough time all the way. She simply moved in with us; there was nothing I could do but to accept the situation since my husband appeared submissive to the mother in all things.

We had our children in quick succession, something the mother couldn’t complain about. Our first son arrived five months after our wedding, while our only daughter came 14 months after the birth of her brother. Our last child, also a boy came 13 months after the birth of his sister prompting the mother to ask if all I do is to lure my husband into bed to make babies.

After that only God knows what she told or did to her son, because his whole attitude changed towards me. He became very violent refusing to give us money for feeding.

It got so bad, I had to engage myself in petty trading at home since my mother-in-law refused to take charge of the children to enable me look for work.

When the suffering, violence and neglect became too much, friends and family members advised me to leave him.

I had to leave when his mother too joined in beating me.

Initially my elder sister offered us refuge, but when the pressures of fending for four mouths became too much for her, she gave us money to rent a place of our own, a mini flat as well as some money for me to begin trading with. I knew our presence was causing trouble between her and her husband.

But for her support, things would have been very tough for me because she took over the payment of our rent as well as providing funds for us whenever we needed anything. Being her only sibling, she never left me on my own.

For the 17 years we have been on our own, I have gone from one job to the other all for the purpose of ensuring my children never lacked.

And just when I thought I had done a good job of raising my children, I found out that my eldest son and daughter have been sleeping with each other to the point of the sister getting pregnant for her brother.

The worst of it all is the refusal of any doctor to perform an abortion on her. The two doctors we consulted said they couldn’t do it because it could jeopardize her life.

At the church, where the prophesy of her pregnancy first came, I was warned not to attempt aborting the pregnancy and not to reprimand my children because what happened was manipulated to humiliate me as well as terminate the lives of my daughter and son, who out of guilt at the death of his sister would also commit suicide. The funny thing is that they claim not to recollect how it all started and how often they do it. Already both of them are manifesting suicide tendencies. Last week, I caught my daughter with some drugs she had intended taking to end her life, while my son is ever so quiet I don’t know what to do to get through to him.

The issue now is how to face the world with the news that my daughter is pregnant for my son? What do I tell their father and his family who even though are responsible for this mess would still make me pay for it?

I don’t know where else to go Agatha!

Desperate Mother.

---

Dear Desperate Mother,

In times like this when the world seem to be dancing a macabre on what appears to be one’s grave of life, the only place to turn to is the house of God who in His wisdom sees, knows and does all things to please and honour His name.

There is no other place more assuring to be, but in His presence. Remember He can do all things and has the absolute authority over our situations as well as the unseen powers that fight us.

Remind Him that nothing in your situation or those that your children find themselves in would honour His name and that He should step in, in the only way He knows to wipe away your tears of pains and humiliation at this development.

This is the time to trust Him completely and not to take powers into your own hands. For this to have happened, it is either you went too far away from the presence of God or He is planning something to demonstrate His awesomeness to everyone concerned.

Either way, don’t ever leave His side, because this is the time you need Him more than ever before. It is also the time to get your pastor to stand in gap for you. He should join you in prayers of intercession as well as agreement.

I know how dreadful periods like this can be when it seems the world is against you. If you are not strong in the lord, this is the time one makes the most mistakes from the different advises that come your way. To help yourself stay under the authority of God, don’t discuss this with too many people.

The less pressure you put on these children as well as yourself the better for all concerned. This is to avoid the attendant talks and mockery that come with all these as well as the social condemnation your children would face if the news spread around. Since your daughter is already manifesting suicidal tendencies, chances are if she confronts rejection and mockery from those around her, she would do something more drastic. So keeping quiet about this is more for the protection of the sanity of your children. Talk only to those you know are concerned and are ready to offer you meaningful help.

For now, send your son to a trusted family member to cool off for a while, someone who will offer him quiet support without being harsh or condemning. His deadpan quietness is a sign that mentally, he isn’t stable and capable of doing anything dangerous to himself. The stage is far too gone for regrets because the act has been committed. As their mother, your concern should shift from your humiliation to how best you can navigate them from this whole mess.

At this point, nobody matters; your in-laws or husband can say or do what they like. At this critical point, what they do or say isn’t as important as helping your children spiritually and physically come out of this with the most minimal problems. This should be your major concern not people who abandoned you with the children for all these 17 years waiting for you to fail and fall so that they can laugh at you.

If you have the means, it might best to send him out of the country, away from his sister as well. Discuss this option with your elder sister. In sending him away, let him know, you are not condemning him but giving him an opportunity to begin life afresh without the burden of guilt and condemnation from the society. The good thing about youths is that they have a lot of time on their side, hence are able to get over issues like this quicker than the elderly ones. With prayers on your part, he will come to live a normal life again.

As for your daughter, if you still have a mother or a trusted aunty, send her there to quietly have the baby while you all consider the possibility of putting the baby up for adoption. Rather than keep a child you will never be happy with, that will always remind you of a time you want to forget, give the baby to a couple who really need it, who will grow the child as their own, who will be happy to have the child. It could be the purpose of God in all these. Ask God to personally direct you to the couple He wants you to give the baby to, because He works in ways you and I can’t see or understand.

Giving the baby up for adoption would not only give your daughter the chance to live a normal life again, but solve the problem of having to explain the identity of the child.

Spiritually, there is the need for both of your children to go through the process of deliverance to cleanse them from the spiritual implications of a brother and sister sleeping together.

And as a mother, there is the need for you to pay more attention spiritually and physically to the welfare of the children, because in a way, you also are to blame for this mess. You were too busy looking for money to have time for the children; else you would have seen the signs spiritually or physically.

As a mother, you are to stay on the alert for your children at all times.

Challenges with in-laws are best fought and achieved on the knees praying for God’s direction at all times.

Good luck.

Courage To Woo Her Not Forthcoming

Dear Agatha,

I really need your advice on how to go about this issue bothering my mind. There is this lady who has been my friend in the last one month. We are just beginning to know each other. In between this period, I have developed a kind of interest for her, because of the way she is, but don't know how to approach and tell her what I have in mind.

Since I have known her, I have never asked for her phone number, but managed to have it anyway, though I haven’t given her a call yet. The major challenge now is how to approach her with my feelings before someone else does.

Expectant Guy.

---

Dear Expectant Guy,

Since you and this lady already have a communication line, invite her out for either lunch or dinner to enable both of you relax sufficiently for what you have in mind.

After eating, tell her what you have in mind. Make it very clear to her that at the time you met her, the intention wasn’t to propose romantic relationship with her.

At this juncture, highlight all the qualities you discovered in her, ones you have always desired in your dream woman. Assure her from the beginning that your intentions are honourable and you have no intention of taking advantage of your familiarity with her to lure her into something she doesn’t want to do.

Once you tell her, allow her the freedom of making up her mind as well as the assurance that whatever happens, it would not affect the friendship you have started with her.

If nothing else, telling him would have saved both of you any future regret at not taking hold of a presented opportunity.

Whatever the case may be ensure your feelings and motives are honest, because this is what would count the most at the end of the day.

Good luck.

Tired Nurturing Our Union Alone While He Does Nothing

Dear Agatha,

I have been in this relationship for two years now. But for some months now, I have been having my doubts as to whether this relationship is really worth it, because it is one-sided.

Although from the outset, he told me he has never been the calling and caring type and that is why his previous relationships never lasted more than three months.

He did promise to change, but two years down the road, he still hasn’t changed. Thrice I have tried to end the relationship, but somehow we keep making up.

I am tired of the whole routine of breaking up and making up with him as well as his promises to work on himself and doing nothing about it. The question now is, should I still hang on, be patient and keep trying or move on without him.

I honestly do love him with all my heart, but he is not reciprocating, and that hurts real badly. Please help me. He's 26 years of age while I am 22.

Worried Girl.

---

Dear Worried Girl,

That he told you from the beginning should have prepared you for this. There is no way he can give you something he doesn’t have even if he promised to change. He was at least very honest with you about his nature. If nothing else give him that credit, because not everyman would do what he did. It shows, to an extent, that he cares for you, perhaps not in the way you expect him to, but he does.

We are all unique and can’t be expected to do or respond to issues or challenges in the same way. Like him, you also have your own faults. If he isn’t complaining about yours, you must find a way too to manage his, because in the real sense that is the essence of us having a relationship.

Over time, he would change but the type of changes you want or desire in him cannot happen at the speed you want it.

It would take a lot of sacrifices as well as gentle persuasion on your part to get him to make that little change.

The best way to handle someone like this as well as stop you from getting hurt is to ignore this side of him. However, it would help a great deal if you love him as much as you say. Being in love helps a relationship overcome basic problems like the one you are having with your boyfriend.

If you have been able to tolerate him for two years, it means there is something he is doing right. This is the point to look critically at. Those things that have been able to hold the two of you together despite all odds, and the anger you feel at his attitude towards you.

Can you remember even when angry what his special qualities are? Those things he has that no other man has been able to give you? Overtime, with the right attitude and priority, his shortcomings may not be as important anymore to you as it is now, once your mind is made up to move the relationship forward.

One added advantage of ignoring him is the reduced tension in the relationship. No longer would valuable time, which otherwise could have been spent growing the relationship go into defending or arguing over an issue that may never be realised in the relationship.

Sincerely, issues like this help a couple to determine as well as gauge the strength of their feelings for each other. Once both of you are able to move beyond this point, it underscores the essence of your love for each other as well as the sacrifices you are willing to make for the survival of your emotions.

The danger of ending a relationship without first looking at all the factors critically is the regrets that usually follow such hasty decisions. Whether you like it or not, there are no guarantees that the next one would be perfect. Being an institution operated by humans there are bounds to be problems arising from different ideologies towards life as well as orientations. Solution isn’t in going from one relationship to another, but in staying to make an exciting one work well.

If you indeed love this man, learn to be more tolerant of his attitude towards you as well as think of ways to help him grow to be more appreciative of your peculiarities as a woman. Most times, patience and tolerance are all that is needed to win a game convincingly.

However, if your mind is made up leaving on account of his refusal to call you as often as you would love him to, don’t delay it any further, else you both end up hurting each other more than necessary.

Good luck.

Must He Wait For Eternity To Make Up His Mind?

Dear Agatha,

I commend your works; they are really motivating.

I have this problem concerning someone where I am serving the nation (NYSC). He works there and we are somehow friends. I like him, but something is wrong because he once told his friend that he desires to marry a lady who is employed and fair in complexion.

I don’t have any of these qualities, yet he comes close to me, makes statements that show his interest in me. I always pretend not to like him. He hasn't wooed me yet, but my days are numbered in the company. What can I do?

Confused Girl.

---

Dear Confused Girl,

He hasn’t told you anything and you are already building dreams around him, worrying about what he told his friend about his dream lady?

On what premise are you worrying about these issues? On account of you just being friends or what you suspect him to mean by the comments he makes to you?

If you like him, why not take the bulls by the horn and declare your interest to him instead of getting yourself confused over something that isn’t?

You are making the mistake many women, both young and old are making, building dreams around an otherwise innocent friendship.

When a man wants a woman in that special way, they don’t hesitate to say it, so the task is left for the woman who wants to say so.

And why are you pretending not to like him when you know you do? Pretenses like this won’t get you anywhere. It will only rob you of God-given opportunities, because this man could really feel something special for you, but is afraid of the sort of reception you would give him. Not every man is equipped to deal with female rejection. So help yourself realize what you know you want by dropping this toga of falsehood. Perhaps, if you give him subtle hints that you are interested in him before your time in the company is up, he may also tell you precisely what he feels for you.

Good luck.

Six Months After, We Can’t Grow Our Love…

Dear Agatha,

God will continue to bless you with more wisdom.

I am 22 years of age, a student of one of the Federal Universities and not the type of person who believes in love and relationships. And I haven’t been in one ever, until now.

I now understand what when men say that their women are different from the rest. I feel it now. Love is being your best for someone. I met her at a programme I went for. She happened to be a participant. Her confidence and the way she handled the situation at hand blew me away. I fell in love immediately. I then made it my mission to meet her but was unable to as a result of the distance between our faculties.

I decided to get her number from a colleague of mine, who happened to be a friend of hers. I don’t know if that was the right move. We talked regularly, but we never get to agree on to a formal date due to her purported schedules. Fortunately, we get to meet at school restaurant and church, where we see and chat for a while.

The problem now is, I call her regularly, text her, walk her to her destination whenever we bump into each other, but she isn’t responding back. She does not call and only sends me text messages when replying the ones I send her. She doesn’t even bother to find out how I am doing. We are comfortable talking to each other face to face. I have not imposed a relationship on her or told her how I feel about her, because we don’t know each other well enough.

It is six months since we met and none of my methods is working. I feel like I am wasting my time. Please Agatha, help me out here because I am planning on looking for someone else after the ASUU strike, although l love her a lot.

Worried Guy.

---

Dear Worried Guy,

You sound confused. On one hand, you claim not to have told her anything, and on the other hand you are complaining about wasting your time on her.

The fact that she replies your text messages shows she isn’t indifferent to you. She converses with you when you both meet at either the church or restaurant, allows you to keep her company when you offer to walk her to wherever she is going to and never ignores your calls, shows she has some interest in you.

If she didn’t, she won’t even allow you near her or be sighted with you around the school premises.

As it is, you can’t accuse her of anything since you are yet to declare your interest for her. For now, she is treating you as politely as she would do any other person she is just meeting and getting to know.

If you were wise, you would take each day of this relationship as it comes until you two become very good friends. If she isn’t responding to a special dating appointment, use the ones created by your meetings at the restaurant and church to know her better.

For instance, at the restaurant, you could buy her a meal and insist she stays some extra minutes for both of you to discuss. Since you like her presentation on the day you met, why not go back to that day, engage her in the postmortem of that day, get to pick her brain for a better insight into her person, interests, focus and passion in life.

It will, to an extent, give you insight into her person and help you know how best to engage and sustain her interest in you.

In addition, it will give you information about her person, her intelligence, attitude, strength of character as well as other interests in life. You must find out what works with her because not all women are smitten by romance talks. Some women soft spots are intelligent men, ones who can hold their own to her mental agility any day.
Again she could be testing you by her repeated refusal to accept a formal date with you, to see how serious minded you are about her and your dreams.

Giving up on this friendship means you lack the tolerance and patience to grow a relationship, which puts a question mark on your real interest in her. If your interest were really deep, you won’t be contemplating giving up on her so soon.

Lack of perseverance in a relationship makes it goes sour before it even has time to ripen. This is what seems to be lacking in you. You want this woman, yet you are not ready to put up with the hard work of getting her to accept you.

Having been around her for six months, it is about time you say something to her. Have the boldness to present your interest to her. If friendship is what you have in mind for now, at least, offer it to her. And if a relationship is what you want from her, just say so to her and stop being a coward. There is no way she can act on information she doesn’t have.

Good luck.

Should I Quit Or Succumb To His Bid To Deflower Me?

Dear Agatha,

I am a third year student of Kaduna Polytechnic in a relationship that is chocking me. The relationship is about three years old, and it has been hell.

He has been relentlessly urging me against my will to have sex. We have quarrelled repeatedly over the matter. The thing is, I am a virgin and don’t want to lose it yet. Though, he loves and okay in some aspects, but I suspect once I give in to his demands, something awful would happen. Do I do it? I am so confused.

Whitney.

---

Dear Whitney,

If this guy loves you, he would willingly wait for you to be ready. Any man who picks quarrel with a woman over her refusal to sleep with him isn’t interested in the woman’s welfare. It shows that his interest in the woman is simply her body.

You may have dated this man for three years, but his reason for staying with you hasn’t changed from what he wanted the first day he met you, your body, which makes your fears justified. He is with you for the wrong reasons, so be on your guard at all times with him to avoid him compromising you.

A man, who loves a woman for the right reasons, would always give her the support to do what is right. Knowing you are a virgin should be more than enough for him as well as a good reason to help you remain focused in your determination to retain it until your wedding night.

As a matter of fact, a lot of men would be proud of such woman as well as take pride in the prospect of being her first lover.

Since he is choking you with his demands, give him the option of either accepting your terms or moving on to another woman who would play the game his ways.

This way, you either both agree to begin afresh on your terms or go your different ways to enable him pursue his passion with another woman.

Sometimes, temporary separation aids a relationship to go the right way.

Good luck.

Re: Should I Leave Him or Stay?

.
Click here for the original article and comment(s)

Hard For Her To Reciprocate My Deep Love…

Dear Agatha,

I am a big fan of your ‘Share A Problem’ column. I admire your counsels. What you have is a gift, which the Almighty God has blessed you with. All gifts of God come with a higher calling, to use it to serve him so that His name will be glorified.

This woman, a medical doctor, recently discarded me. I loved her very much and wanted so badly for it to work, but all my efforts were in vain as she only hated my guts the more, shouted at me at every opportunity, hurled all manner of insults and abuses at me. We had this massive fight that led to our separation when I was fasting and waiting on the lord.

The most painful thing is that I invested my whole essence into the relationship. I am still asking God to heal me of the pains of this loss.

Only God knows best why we have to carry some heavy, some that completely overwhelm us.

My question is, why do couples that seem madly and deeply in love with each other always end up fighting, and why such relationships never working out?

Kene.

---

Dear Kene,

In most cases, such couples forget that love alone cannot sustain a relationship. Being so much in love, they forget to build character into their relationship and when the storm comes like it would, they find themselves bereft of any idea of how to resolve the crisis brought about by the circumstances of two different persons trying to live in each other’s world.

Love is a chemical substance whose duty is to identify the particular person it blends with the most. This is why we get attracted to particular persons and not another person.

The next stage of falling in love is to help identify the real things about the character of the person it has chosen to love, those things that make up the entire composition of the person. Details like character, attitude, temperament as well as depth of comprehension of everything it takes to make another person happy.

This is the cloth of reality that gives idealism in love its final fitting. Unfortunately, a lot of time, couples peg their relationship on just the chemical aspect of it; living in a world of fantasy, a world where every colour is rose tinted and smelling wonderfully well.

Being a world of fantasy, everything glows with unnatural colours giving the impression that all is well between the couple. This is often caused by the individualism most couples bring into relationship especially the women who think the success or otherwise of a relationship begins and ends with the physical appearance of the man or the size of his pocket. Rather than settle issues logically and intelligently, for most couples sex proffers the solution to crisis. And at the end of it all, to their disappointment discovers that sex, though very useful a tool, cannot perform the magic of decreeing originality and value into an association that from the very beginning lacked the guts to fuse reality with idealism.

It is in this inability of couples to grow their relationship along the line of reality that causes major problems. Most of the time, couples forget that unless a relationship is first blended and distilled, it can never work. It would end up being a major disaster.

You and your woman failed because you obviously didn’t have the patience to grow friendship into your relationship. Friendship is the foundation for a viable relationship, helps it to accommodate the storm of strangeness, adjustments as well as solid shock absorbers for any eventuality.

Had you and your ex been able to integrate friendship into your relationship from the beginning, a lot of the ugliness and bad temperaments that destroyed your relationship would have been better managed.

To help you regain the confidence love brings into one’s life, when next you find the right woman, take each day as it comes by offering her friendship, a chance to see into each other’s hearts, persons and thinking. It arms you with a confirmed knowledge of the other person as well as telling you things to avoid in some tricky situations that could be inimical to the success of the relationship.

The beauty about friendship is that it helps a couple deals with the deficiencies in all human species as well as reminds them of our own weaknesses.

Good luck.

I’m 29, But No Serious Male Friend

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your columns. I want to first appreciate you for all the wonderful work you are doing.

My problem is enormous. I am 29 years of age without a boyfriend. It is so bad that nobody is even asking me out. I am sick and tired of the situation I have found myself in. Please tell me what to do.

Worried Lady.

---

Dear Worried Lady,

The first step towards self- actualisation is to learn to accept those things you cannot change and to avoid courting depression. In your current state of mind, there is no way you can prevent mistakes from happening in your life.

The most important thing for you now is to accept one thing that 29 isn’t the end of the world and that time is still very much on your side.

Like everything in life, there is always a time of plenty and time of scarcity. So don’t get scared that men are not coming, when God’s time comes, the right men would come.

Just be patient and trust God because there is nothing He cannot do.

But beyond this, what are your own challenges as a woman? How would you describe yourself to another person? How do people and men around you judge you as a woman? What mistakes do you think you have made with men?

If there is any time for you to be honest with yourself, it is now. It is the only way you can help yourself out of this emotional abyss you have found yourself in.

A lot of the things we suffer from as we grow older, come from the mistakes we ignorantly make. What are your moral values as a woman; how well did you keep your gate? When a woman builds a negative reputation for herself, she opens herself for rejection by the very men she set out to please. Some of your problems may come from that indiscrimination.

Whatever your values were in the years gone by, this is the time for you to re-brand. It may take a while for whatever negative image you have acquired but if you are persistent as well as determined to make the change, you will be better for it.

But if you have always been level headed, there may be the need for you to also take another look at your principles? What sort of man are you looking for? Are your principles too rigid and unrealistic? What qualities are you insisting the men must have before you can consider them worthy of you?

If this is your problem, there is the need for you to be more realistic. Yes, as a woman, you need a man who will care for you, give you both heaven and earth if possible, but reality demands being sensible. By the time you turn away every man for the simple reason that they don’t meet the standards you have set for yourself, you will end up becoming very frustrated as the years go by.

Therefore in addition to setting achievable goals for yourself, don’t ever forget that God is the master of time and does what pleases Him with it. Go to Him in prayers to make your time His time too. Whatever mistakes may have brought about this problems or family situation, giving Him complete authority to reign in your life will help you overcome at the end of the day.

Just have faith and trust in God.

Good luck.

Am I Not Old Enough To Fall In Love?

Dear Agatha,

Is it possible for me to fall in love at 15 years of age?

Worried Teenager.

---

Dear Worried Teenager,

At 15, yes it is possible to have all the manifestations of love. As a matter of fact that is the time love is at its purest and devoid of the negotiation of adult. Love at your age represents freedom and wonderment at the potentials of the feeling.

However, it is also the most delicate and dangerous period of any person’s life especially that of a young girl. This is why the word is forbidden to young persons of your age. This has nothing to do with the refusal of the adult world to appreciate your feelings, but given the benefit of experience, adults who decree against it have come to realise that teenage love comes with painful and powerful thorns.

This is because, as one gets older, it is discovered that falling in love comes with a lot of responsibilities especially on the part of the woman who must do everything to guard her body. At 15, you don’t have such wisdom and ability to resist the potency of love at all. Love not managed becomes a disaster, shame and disgrace not only to you both, but to your parents who may have to deal with the physical evidence of your adventure.

This is because often than not it leads to early and disgraceful pregnancy, denial on the part of the man, interrupted education and thwarted future as a result of the stigma that comes from teenage pregnancy.

Falling in love at 15 could end up destroying all the dreams of the future.

To help you appreciate and grow the beauty that is love, learn to refrain from being too close to any man. Whatever you feel now must be placed on the back burner in the interest of your future which risks being terminated by the virus of an early love.

What you should do at your age is have meaningful friendship with both boys and girls; relationship you take into the future that will as the years roll by provide both economic and social support base to help with your dreams. This is called networking.

This is the time for you to consciously plan for the bigger future because love will never go out of fashion, whereas your time of planning and dreaming comes with expiry dates.

In addition, love demands you learn to fall in love with yourself first before you can fall in love with another person. The theory of life is that you cannot give what you don’t have.

Falling in love also demands vision, sacrifices, selflessness and planning. Until you are able to plan for your life, avoid the complications of it. At your age, you cannot combine it with your studies since love is both jealous and demanding of one’s time especially when you think about babies and settling down to a life at this age when all your mates are busy going to school and enjoying the freedom of being young.

Concentrate more on your studies and love will follow when the time is right.

Good luck.