Courage To Woo Her Not Forthcoming

Dear Agatha,

I really need your advice on how to go about this issue bothering my mind. There is this lady who has been my friend in the last one month. We are just beginning to know each other. In between this period, I have developed a kind of interest for her, because of the way she is, but don't know how to approach and tell her what I have in mind.

Since I have known her, I have never asked for her phone number, but managed to have it anyway, though I haven’t given her a call yet. The major challenge now is how to approach her with my feelings before someone else does.

Expectant Guy.

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Dear Expectant Guy,

Since you and this lady already have a communication line, invite her out for either lunch or dinner to enable both of you relax sufficiently for what you have in mind.

After eating, tell her what you have in mind. Make it very clear to her that at the time you met her, the intention wasn’t to propose romantic relationship with her.

At this juncture, highlight all the qualities you discovered in her, ones you have always desired in your dream woman. Assure her from the beginning that your intentions are honourable and you have no intention of taking advantage of your familiarity with her to lure her into something she doesn’t want to do.

Once you tell her, allow her the freedom of making up her mind as well as the assurance that whatever happens, it would not affect the friendship you have started with her.

If nothing else, telling him would have saved both of you any future regret at not taking hold of a presented opportunity.

Whatever the case may be ensure your feelings and motives are honest, because this is what would count the most at the end of the day.

Good luck.

Tired Nurturing Our Union Alone While He Does Nothing

Dear Agatha,

I have been in this relationship for two years now. But for some months now, I have been having my doubts as to whether this relationship is really worth it, because it is one-sided.

Although from the outset, he told me he has never been the calling and caring type and that is why his previous relationships never lasted more than three months.

He did promise to change, but two years down the road, he still hasn’t changed. Thrice I have tried to end the relationship, but somehow we keep making up.

I am tired of the whole routine of breaking up and making up with him as well as his promises to work on himself and doing nothing about it. The question now is, should I still hang on, be patient and keep trying or move on without him.

I honestly do love him with all my heart, but he is not reciprocating, and that hurts real badly. Please help me. He's 26 years of age while I am 22.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

That he told you from the beginning should have prepared you for this. There is no way he can give you something he doesn’t have even if he promised to change. He was at least very honest with you about his nature. If nothing else give him that credit, because not everyman would do what he did. It shows, to an extent, that he cares for you, perhaps not in the way you expect him to, but he does.

We are all unique and can’t be expected to do or respond to issues or challenges in the same way. Like him, you also have your own faults. If he isn’t complaining about yours, you must find a way too to manage his, because in the real sense that is the essence of us having a relationship.

Over time, he would change but the type of changes you want or desire in him cannot happen at the speed you want it.

It would take a lot of sacrifices as well as gentle persuasion on your part to get him to make that little change.

The best way to handle someone like this as well as stop you from getting hurt is to ignore this side of him. However, it would help a great deal if you love him as much as you say. Being in love helps a relationship overcome basic problems like the one you are having with your boyfriend.

If you have been able to tolerate him for two years, it means there is something he is doing right. This is the point to look critically at. Those things that have been able to hold the two of you together despite all odds, and the anger you feel at his attitude towards you.

Can you remember even when angry what his special qualities are? Those things he has that no other man has been able to give you? Overtime, with the right attitude and priority, his shortcomings may not be as important anymore to you as it is now, once your mind is made up to move the relationship forward.

One added advantage of ignoring him is the reduced tension in the relationship. No longer would valuable time, which otherwise could have been spent growing the relationship go into defending or arguing over an issue that may never be realised in the relationship.

Sincerely, issues like this help a couple to determine as well as gauge the strength of their feelings for each other. Once both of you are able to move beyond this point, it underscores the essence of your love for each other as well as the sacrifices you are willing to make for the survival of your emotions.

The danger of ending a relationship without first looking at all the factors critically is the regrets that usually follow such hasty decisions. Whether you like it or not, there are no guarantees that the next one would be perfect. Being an institution operated by humans there are bounds to be problems arising from different ideologies towards life as well as orientations. Solution isn’t in going from one relationship to another, but in staying to make an exciting one work well.

If you indeed love this man, learn to be more tolerant of his attitude towards you as well as think of ways to help him grow to be more appreciative of your peculiarities as a woman. Most times, patience and tolerance are all that is needed to win a game convincingly.

However, if your mind is made up leaving on account of his refusal to call you as often as you would love him to, don’t delay it any further, else you both end up hurting each other more than necessary.

Good luck.

Must He Wait For Eternity To Make Up His Mind?

Dear Agatha,

I commend your works; they are really motivating.

I have this problem concerning someone where I am serving the nation (NYSC). He works there and we are somehow friends. I like him, but something is wrong because he once told his friend that he desires to marry a lady who is employed and fair in complexion.

I don’t have any of these qualities, yet he comes close to me, makes statements that show his interest in me. I always pretend not to like him. He hasn't wooed me yet, but my days are numbered in the company. What can I do?

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

He hasn’t told you anything and you are already building dreams around him, worrying about what he told his friend about his dream lady?

On what premise are you worrying about these issues? On account of you just being friends or what you suspect him to mean by the comments he makes to you?

If you like him, why not take the bulls by the horn and declare your interest to him instead of getting yourself confused over something that isn’t?

You are making the mistake many women, both young and old are making, building dreams around an otherwise innocent friendship.

When a man wants a woman in that special way, they don’t hesitate to say it, so the task is left for the woman who wants to say so.

And why are you pretending not to like him when you know you do? Pretenses like this won’t get you anywhere. It will only rob you of God-given opportunities, because this man could really feel something special for you, but is afraid of the sort of reception you would give him. Not every man is equipped to deal with female rejection. So help yourself realize what you know you want by dropping this toga of falsehood. Perhaps, if you give him subtle hints that you are interested in him before your time in the company is up, he may also tell you precisely what he feels for you.

Good luck.

Six Months After, We Can’t Grow Our Love…

Dear Agatha,

God will continue to bless you with more wisdom.

I am 22 years of age, a student of one of the Federal Universities and not the type of person who believes in love and relationships. And I haven’t been in one ever, until now.

I now understand what when men say that their women are different from the rest. I feel it now. Love is being your best for someone. I met her at a programme I went for. She happened to be a participant. Her confidence and the way she handled the situation at hand blew me away. I fell in love immediately. I then made it my mission to meet her but was unable to as a result of the distance between our faculties.

I decided to get her number from a colleague of mine, who happened to be a friend of hers. I don’t know if that was the right move. We talked regularly, but we never get to agree on to a formal date due to her purported schedules. Fortunately, we get to meet at school restaurant and church, where we see and chat for a while.

The problem now is, I call her regularly, text her, walk her to her destination whenever we bump into each other, but she isn’t responding back. She does not call and only sends me text messages when replying the ones I send her. She doesn’t even bother to find out how I am doing. We are comfortable talking to each other face to face. I have not imposed a relationship on her or told her how I feel about her, because we don’t know each other well enough.

It is six months since we met and none of my methods is working. I feel like I am wasting my time. Please Agatha, help me out here because I am planning on looking for someone else after the ASUU strike, although l love her a lot.

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

You sound confused. On one hand, you claim not to have told her anything, and on the other hand you are complaining about wasting your time on her.

The fact that she replies your text messages shows she isn’t indifferent to you. She converses with you when you both meet at either the church or restaurant, allows you to keep her company when you offer to walk her to wherever she is going to and never ignores your calls, shows she has some interest in you.

If she didn’t, she won’t even allow you near her or be sighted with you around the school premises.

As it is, you can’t accuse her of anything since you are yet to declare your interest for her. For now, she is treating you as politely as she would do any other person she is just meeting and getting to know.

If you were wise, you would take each day of this relationship as it comes until you two become very good friends. If she isn’t responding to a special dating appointment, use the ones created by your meetings at the restaurant and church to know her better.

For instance, at the restaurant, you could buy her a meal and insist she stays some extra minutes for both of you to discuss. Since you like her presentation on the day you met, why not go back to that day, engage her in the postmortem of that day, get to pick her brain for a better insight into her person, interests, focus and passion in life.

It will, to an extent, give you insight into her person and help you know how best to engage and sustain her interest in you.

In addition, it will give you information about her person, her intelligence, attitude, strength of character as well as other interests in life. You must find out what works with her because not all women are smitten by romance talks. Some women soft spots are intelligent men, ones who can hold their own to her mental agility any day.
Again she could be testing you by her repeated refusal to accept a formal date with you, to see how serious minded you are about her and your dreams.

Giving up on this friendship means you lack the tolerance and patience to grow a relationship, which puts a question mark on your real interest in her. If your interest were really deep, you won’t be contemplating giving up on her so soon.

Lack of perseverance in a relationship makes it goes sour before it even has time to ripen. This is what seems to be lacking in you. You want this woman, yet you are not ready to put up with the hard work of getting her to accept you.

Having been around her for six months, it is about time you say something to her. Have the boldness to present your interest to her. If friendship is what you have in mind for now, at least, offer it to her. And if a relationship is what you want from her, just say so to her and stop being a coward. There is no way she can act on information she doesn’t have.

Good luck.

Should I Quit Or Succumb To His Bid To Deflower Me?

Dear Agatha,

I am a third year student of Kaduna Polytechnic in a relationship that is chocking me. The relationship is about three years old, and it has been hell.

He has been relentlessly urging me against my will to have sex. We have quarrelled repeatedly over the matter. The thing is, I am a virgin and don’t want to lose it yet. Though, he loves and okay in some aspects, but I suspect once I give in to his demands, something awful would happen. Do I do it? I am so confused.

Whitney.

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Dear Whitney,

If this guy loves you, he would willingly wait for you to be ready. Any man who picks quarrel with a woman over her refusal to sleep with him isn’t interested in the woman’s welfare. It shows that his interest in the woman is simply her body.

You may have dated this man for three years, but his reason for staying with you hasn’t changed from what he wanted the first day he met you, your body, which makes your fears justified. He is with you for the wrong reasons, so be on your guard at all times with him to avoid him compromising you.

A man, who loves a woman for the right reasons, would always give her the support to do what is right. Knowing you are a virgin should be more than enough for him as well as a good reason to help you remain focused in your determination to retain it until your wedding night.

As a matter of fact, a lot of men would be proud of such woman as well as take pride in the prospect of being her first lover.

Since he is choking you with his demands, give him the option of either accepting your terms or moving on to another woman who would play the game his ways.

This way, you either both agree to begin afresh on your terms or go your different ways to enable him pursue his passion with another woman.

Sometimes, temporary separation aids a relationship to go the right way.

Good luck.

Re: Should I Leave Him or Stay?

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Hard For Her To Reciprocate My Deep Love…

Dear Agatha,

I am a big fan of your ‘Share A Problem’ column. I admire your counsels. What you have is a gift, which the Almighty God has blessed you with. All gifts of God come with a higher calling, to use it to serve him so that His name will be glorified.

This woman, a medical doctor, recently discarded me. I loved her very much and wanted so badly for it to work, but all my efforts were in vain as she only hated my guts the more, shouted at me at every opportunity, hurled all manner of insults and abuses at me. We had this massive fight that led to our separation when I was fasting and waiting on the lord.

The most painful thing is that I invested my whole essence into the relationship. I am still asking God to heal me of the pains of this loss.

Only God knows best why we have to carry some heavy, some that completely overwhelm us.

My question is, why do couples that seem madly and deeply in love with each other always end up fighting, and why such relationships never working out?

Kene.

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Dear Kene,

In most cases, such couples forget that love alone cannot sustain a relationship. Being so much in love, they forget to build character into their relationship and when the storm comes like it would, they find themselves bereft of any idea of how to resolve the crisis brought about by the circumstances of two different persons trying to live in each other’s world.

Love is a chemical substance whose duty is to identify the particular person it blends with the most. This is why we get attracted to particular persons and not another person.

The next stage of falling in love is to help identify the real things about the character of the person it has chosen to love, those things that make up the entire composition of the person. Details like character, attitude, temperament as well as depth of comprehension of everything it takes to make another person happy.

This is the cloth of reality that gives idealism in love its final fitting. Unfortunately, a lot of time, couples peg their relationship on just the chemical aspect of it; living in a world of fantasy, a world where every colour is rose tinted and smelling wonderfully well.

Being a world of fantasy, everything glows with unnatural colours giving the impression that all is well between the couple. This is often caused by the individualism most couples bring into relationship especially the women who think the success or otherwise of a relationship begins and ends with the physical appearance of the man or the size of his pocket. Rather than settle issues logically and intelligently, for most couples sex proffers the solution to crisis. And at the end of it all, to their disappointment discovers that sex, though very useful a tool, cannot perform the magic of decreeing originality and value into an association that from the very beginning lacked the guts to fuse reality with idealism.

It is in this inability of couples to grow their relationship along the line of reality that causes major problems. Most of the time, couples forget that unless a relationship is first blended and distilled, it can never work. It would end up being a major disaster.

You and your woman failed because you obviously didn’t have the patience to grow friendship into your relationship. Friendship is the foundation for a viable relationship, helps it to accommodate the storm of strangeness, adjustments as well as solid shock absorbers for any eventuality.

Had you and your ex been able to integrate friendship into your relationship from the beginning, a lot of the ugliness and bad temperaments that destroyed your relationship would have been better managed.

To help you regain the confidence love brings into one’s life, when next you find the right woman, take each day as it comes by offering her friendship, a chance to see into each other’s hearts, persons and thinking. It arms you with a confirmed knowledge of the other person as well as telling you things to avoid in some tricky situations that could be inimical to the success of the relationship.

The beauty about friendship is that it helps a couple deals with the deficiencies in all human species as well as reminds them of our own weaknesses.

Good luck.

I’m 29, But No Serious Male Friend

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your columns. I want to first appreciate you for all the wonderful work you are doing.

My problem is enormous. I am 29 years of age without a boyfriend. It is so bad that nobody is even asking me out. I am sick and tired of the situation I have found myself in. Please tell me what to do.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

The first step towards self- actualisation is to learn to accept those things you cannot change and to avoid courting depression. In your current state of mind, there is no way you can prevent mistakes from happening in your life.

The most important thing for you now is to accept one thing that 29 isn’t the end of the world and that time is still very much on your side.

Like everything in life, there is always a time of plenty and time of scarcity. So don’t get scared that men are not coming, when God’s time comes, the right men would come.

Just be patient and trust God because there is nothing He cannot do.

But beyond this, what are your own challenges as a woman? How would you describe yourself to another person? How do people and men around you judge you as a woman? What mistakes do you think you have made with men?

If there is any time for you to be honest with yourself, it is now. It is the only way you can help yourself out of this emotional abyss you have found yourself in.

A lot of the things we suffer from as we grow older, come from the mistakes we ignorantly make. What are your moral values as a woman; how well did you keep your gate? When a woman builds a negative reputation for herself, she opens herself for rejection by the very men she set out to please. Some of your problems may come from that indiscrimination.

Whatever your values were in the years gone by, this is the time for you to re-brand. It may take a while for whatever negative image you have acquired but if you are persistent as well as determined to make the change, you will be better for it.

But if you have always been level headed, there may be the need for you to also take another look at your principles? What sort of man are you looking for? Are your principles too rigid and unrealistic? What qualities are you insisting the men must have before you can consider them worthy of you?

If this is your problem, there is the need for you to be more realistic. Yes, as a woman, you need a man who will care for you, give you both heaven and earth if possible, but reality demands being sensible. By the time you turn away every man for the simple reason that they don’t meet the standards you have set for yourself, you will end up becoming very frustrated as the years go by.

Therefore in addition to setting achievable goals for yourself, don’t ever forget that God is the master of time and does what pleases Him with it. Go to Him in prayers to make your time His time too. Whatever mistakes may have brought about this problems or family situation, giving Him complete authority to reign in your life will help you overcome at the end of the day.

Just have faith and trust in God.

Good luck.

Am I Not Old Enough To Fall In Love?

Dear Agatha,

Is it possible for me to fall in love at 15 years of age?

Worried Teenager.

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Dear Worried Teenager,

At 15, yes it is possible to have all the manifestations of love. As a matter of fact that is the time love is at its purest and devoid of the negotiation of adult. Love at your age represents freedom and wonderment at the potentials of the feeling.

However, it is also the most delicate and dangerous period of any person’s life especially that of a young girl. This is why the word is forbidden to young persons of your age. This has nothing to do with the refusal of the adult world to appreciate your feelings, but given the benefit of experience, adults who decree against it have come to realise that teenage love comes with painful and powerful thorns.

This is because, as one gets older, it is discovered that falling in love comes with a lot of responsibilities especially on the part of the woman who must do everything to guard her body. At 15, you don’t have such wisdom and ability to resist the potency of love at all. Love not managed becomes a disaster, shame and disgrace not only to you both, but to your parents who may have to deal with the physical evidence of your adventure.

This is because often than not it leads to early and disgraceful pregnancy, denial on the part of the man, interrupted education and thwarted future as a result of the stigma that comes from teenage pregnancy.

Falling in love at 15 could end up destroying all the dreams of the future.

To help you appreciate and grow the beauty that is love, learn to refrain from being too close to any man. Whatever you feel now must be placed on the back burner in the interest of your future which risks being terminated by the virus of an early love.

What you should do at your age is have meaningful friendship with both boys and girls; relationship you take into the future that will as the years roll by provide both economic and social support base to help with your dreams. This is called networking.

This is the time for you to consciously plan for the bigger future because love will never go out of fashion, whereas your time of planning and dreaming comes with expiry dates.

In addition, love demands you learn to fall in love with yourself first before you can fall in love with another person. The theory of life is that you cannot give what you don’t have.

Falling in love also demands vision, sacrifices, selflessness and planning. Until you are able to plan for your life, avoid the complications of it. At your age, you cannot combine it with your studies since love is both jealous and demanding of one’s time especially when you think about babies and settling down to a life at this age when all your mates are busy going to school and enjoying the freedom of being young.

Concentrate more on your studies and love will follow when the time is right.

Good luck.

I’m Paying My Wife For Sex

Dear Agatha,

How do you explain a situation where I am expected to pay for everything including sleeping with the woman whose bride price I paid?

My wife won’t allow me touch her or sleep with her without first demanding payment for what should be my legitimate right. I am fed up with the whole thing. Please help me out of this bondage.

Worried Husband.

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Dear Worried Husband,

Whose fault? Yours. If you haven’t been indulging her in this act, it wouldn’t grow to be a problem in your marriage. In the first place, why would a wife demand money from her husband before conceding his rights to him?

It is obvious something isn’t right in the process of your meeting, marrying and living together as a couple.

Has this always been her habit before you married her? At what point did you think it was becoming too much of a problem for you to cope with?

It is obvious you are not in charge of your home or life.

For you to get control of your home from her, refuse to give her money in exchange for sex. Let her know her body is your property and that you have every right to it when you feel like it and that demanding money from her husband to give him his privileges makes her cheap and undeserving of your love and existence in your home as your wife.

Give her ultimatum to get back in line or quit the marriage for a woman who knows what marriage is all about.

Good luck.

My Sister Is Sleeping With My Husband

Dear Agatha,

Please help me because I am thoroughly confused. I recently found out that my younger sister, from the same parents, who is living with me is having an affair with my husband.

How do I handle this? What do I do?

Betrayed Wife.

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Dear Betrayed Wife,

This is a nightmare indeed but one you must wake up from immediately if you are to wrest your home and happiness from the grasp of the devil.

I appreciate the pains of being betrayed by these two people you perhaps trust more than any other persons in the world.

Unfortunately, there is no denying your relationship with them or avoiding them at all.

The first thing to do is to take your sister to your parents and inform them of what she has done. There is no way you can continue to trust her to stay with you or trust your husband near her or any other female that comes to your house. For him to have slept with your sister has cancelled the trust to bring any female into your home at least until this episode is forgotten completely.

Wisdom demands that at this hurtful and critical point in time, you refrain from making hasty decisions. To do that would amount to you hurting yourself more than you are already feeling now.

At this crucial point ask yourself these vital questions; what is most important to you now? How much do you care for your husband and home? Whose happiness and well-being is most important to you; yours or that of the other people in your life?

Many people would come with their different opinions, some telling you to quit your home because what your husband did is abominable, disrespectful as well as insults your person and position in his life. No doubt, what he has done is a combination of all these and much more but think deeply of all the other women whose marriages have had to endure worse things, like their husbands sleeping with their daughters. A lot of marriages are living with the burden of infidelity. As a matter of fact, many people would regard any woman who packs out of her home on account of her husband having an affair stupid. Unfortunate and painful but this is reality, one thing every woman has to be prepared for at anytime.

It just happens to be your sister; there could have been other women before her including some of the friends who would be urging you to end it all.
When such nastiness comes into marriage, the thing to look at is the best option for everybody, especially the innocent children who would be affected by the decisions you make today.

Your sister will eventually get married and begin her own life, forget that she ever had anything to do with your husband or the pains she caused you. If you leave your husband, you will be the one that will carry the burden for life, whose memories of that time will remain evergreen. Your children will be the ones that will have to grow without the love and support of both parents living together. Eventually, the family will, whether you like it or not, make an attempt to settle you and your sister, with the pitiable excuse that you can’t be enemies forever.

At that point in time, should you refuse the peace treaty, people will brand you all sorts of names, casting you as the villain in a situation where you started out as the victim.

Beyond the pains of the situation, what do you think could have caused it? Were you neglectful of your duties at home, leaving them to your sister to execute on your behalf? Sometimes, in our quest to make money under the guise of helping the family grow, we forget the important things of life, the real reasons we are wives and mothers. If you are one of those women who neglected her home to her sister, by implication you also handed over your husband to her. Though not an excuse for what they both did to you, the truth is that some of us are to be held responsible for the matrimonial calamity we suffer.

It is important you examine your own complicity in this whole matter. It is the only way you can handle this situation with the objectivity it deserves. Admit to your own faults as well as all the other salient ones your husband may have complained about previously which you ignored. It will help you understand a lot of things about this entire episode. It will never explain the logic of your husband sleeping with your sister but it will help open your own eyes to many of the avoidable mistakes we make as women in our homes.

This is the time to call on your marriage creed, which we recite without a detail study of its contents and meaning. It says for better for worse, through thick and thin; until death parts. Your worst time is definitely now, the thickest part of the storm of life but like all storms, there is always thinness somewhere. Look for the thin side to this situation to enable you move forward.

There is the need for both of you to have a private talk as a couple. It could be a shouting match but you both must talk about this incident with a view of moving forward.

Be honest in your talk and submissions. Acknowledge your mistakes as a couple and well as grow a new determination to succeed where before you both failed.

Honestly, only God can wipe away all the memories of this situation so pray for His presence from now on in your marriage and life. With Him, all these pains will go away.

Good luck.

Internet Dating: Should I Visit Him First?

Dear Agatha,

There is this guy I met on the internet. We have been dating for four months now and we are already talking about marriage. Recently we agreed on the need for us to meet. He has twice failed to make it on account of him not having enough money to make the trip.

Again we have planned for him to come. What I want to know is whether you think it wise for him to come or for me to visit him instead?

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

What do you have against him coming to see you? That is the ideal. He is the man while you are the woman. Besides you are safer in the familiar terrain of your own home and environment because you still can’t make a very categorical statement about him.

Beyond the knowledge you have of him from the bits he has told you through your internet conversation, what else do you know about him to warrant you going to his house or contemplate marriage with him for that matter?

The internet is an impersonal base, where all sorts of information, are traded freely. Since this concerns you and your life, you must take extra precaution to investigate what is true about him or not.

Coming to your place offers you an advantage to observe him unnoticed, to deliberately test him on areas you desire as well as ask probing questions on issues you have discussed before just to authenticate all he has told you before.

You won’t be able to do this in a strange environment such as his place because while you are still trying to adjust to the strangeness of his place, he will manipulate you to give out information both in words and actions concerning your inner thoughts without you noticing.

Another advantage, it gives you the chance to get a preview into his real disposition towards you from what he discusses with you on the first day of your meeting.

However, there is the need for you too to be focused about the real issues in life. Meeting a man on the internet and discussing marriage with him within four months doesn’t cut you out as a woman who has a clear vision of what she wants from life or has an idea of what marriage is all about.

There is more than the issues you are currently playing up because from all indications, this man is a total stranger to you irrespective of whatever information you have both exchanged on the internet. You both need time to blend and distill every information you have exchanged through your meetings physically. For all you know, you may both not even like each other’s personality or way of thinking.

There is a huge difference between abstract communication and physical communication. And when it comes to marriage, a very physical thing, you need more than internet abstracts to make it work.

What the internet has simply done for both of you is to bring you together; given you the chance to talk about yourselves; what these physical meetings would do is to cement what the internet started. The quality of cement and bonding would depend on your joint abilities to drag the relationship forward.

For a relationship to grow, it must have a lot of friendship to survive. This is what you both must look for, not some fantasies about marriage being the ultimate thing between the two of you.

This is because the success or otherwise of a relationship or marriage is dependent on the quality of friendship a couple introduce into it. You need physical interactions to be friends, to be able to laugh at each other as well as with each other. You need it to create your fun, your soft zones, exchange ideas as well as put your different temperaments to test.

As for him not having money to come on the previous times you both arranged for him to come, such stories and situation are part of growing a relationship. Everything in life goes up and down. There is always time of plenty and time of drought.

This is something you must get used to if you are planning marriage. On those occasions he doesn’t have, your duty in his life is to give. It isn’t the duty of the man alone to maintain the home; it is the joint responsibility of both partners.

Your meeting will enable you work out the fine details of the pattern of your marriage something internet or telephone conversation cannot do effectively.

Therefore allow him come to you because you are the woman and he is the man. Thereafter, you too can visit him at home.

While you await his visit, go to God in prayers to point you at the hidden things about his person.

Good luck.

She Yells For My Love, God Wants Me In His Yard

Dear Agatha,

Your column is my favourite in your paper; I follow it daily. Keep it up, God bless.

There is this beautiful jewel I love so passionately and unconditionally, we have a good relationship though we haven’t slept with each other. She really loves me, sees me as his brother, friend and husband. Even though we agree that we may spend our lives together, I have often told her everything depends on the will of God but she remains adamant that things must go her way and wishes.

Recently, God spoke on the matter and told me to go into His service and that I am not free to marry, but I truly love this lady. Please, advise me now on what to tell her because I don’t know how to handle this.

Godswill.

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Dear Godswill,

As a man who claims that God has called him, tell her the truth as long as you are sure it is actually God that told you what you are going to tell her. Indeed if the vision is from Him, experience has taught me that God Himself will speak clearly to the other person. It may hurt her at the beginning but God is always in the business of giving His peace to His people to forge ahead. There is never a substitute for truth, no matter how much it hurts or is bitter.

You can only be worried about it or think of the excuses to give her if you are lying about your reasons. When it comes to issue like this, only God has the final say as well as the reason for doing things in certain ways.

Your duty to her now is to ensure she comes into the protective fold of God if she isn’t in that fold already. Your conduct from now would determine if she should believe you or not.

Whatever the two of you had in the past must be left in the past for your ministry to grow, but you need to make a good peace with this past to avoid complications in your new life. Because whether you like it or not you are still human and susceptible to mistakes.

So for now keep your distance from her until you are able to handle her closeness to you without feeling any twinge of your former feelings for her.

Good luck.

Only God Can Reward Your Service To Humanity

Dear Agatha,

I will never cease to encourage you more for the wonderful work God is using you to do through your articles in the Independent Newspapers. I am a regular reader of your articles and I find them very educative especially to people like me who have never indulged in any deep relationship with members of the opposite sex except one that almost ruined my life.

Here in Ireland, I have read a lot of newspapers specially made for advising young people on what to do when the going gets tough. Yours stands out. How I wish Nigeria is an organized society, somebody like you need support from government so that there would be a separate newspaper for this type of service. This will give young people the opportunity to ask questions and advice on what to do when they have problems. It is unfortunate that our government doesn’t care about the young, who are the leaders of tomorrow.

Don’t relent because yours is service to humanity and God will definitely pay you back and make way where there seems to be no way for you.

As for that young lady, men are disturbing for sex, she should be careful like you told her. If truly she is a virgin and wants to keep it till her wedding night, let her be patient and wait for the Lord because God’s time is the best. Let her not get in God’s way. She should allow God visit her at her right time.

Okey.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age and looking for a girl who would just be my friend, nothing romantic. An interested girl should get in touch with me through this number, 08065335837.

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Dear Agatha,

I am 28 years of age searching for a caring, loving and smart lady between the ages of 23-25 for a serious relationship. Interested lady should contact me through these numbers, 07058723379 or 08039553562.

Korede.

Hard To Wrest Her Free From Her Man-friend’s Grip

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. I am 22 years of age, serving and in a relationship with a 20-year-old undergraduate. My relationship is shadowed by insecurity on my part. In all my previous relationships I have missed happiness due to this problem of mine.

Now I am in another relationship and don’t want to lose my girlfriend this time around. Please help me especially as she has this married man also interested in her.

Although I have told her to tell the man to stop calling her she declined to. In all fairness, I am sure there is nothing going on between the two of them, but she told me he might be 'useful'. When I asked her to explain what she meant by that statement, she said it was girl’s talk. This has caused a serious disagreement between us.

Insecure Boy.

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Dear Insecure Boy,

This woman isn’t the real problem rather you and whatever happened in the past is.
There is no way you can conduct a viable relationship if you are constantly suspicious of your women. No woman likes to be questioned unnecessarily or clothed in attire that doesn’t fit her.

Whatever your past mistakes are, you have to learn to deal with the real issues in your life. It has to be an all-embracing approach to whatever it is that is bringing on your insecurities.

The first question to ask yourself is why you are feeling so insecure. Has it to do with your family history? Is there any particular incident in your past, your parents’ marriage, with your female relatives that has put this fear inside of you? What is it that you have locked very deep in your heart and has refused to discuss with anybody?

Your phobia isn’t normal and until you take the bold step of addressing it, you will never be completely happy with any woman because like a black cloud each time it promises pure sunshine, the dark clouds would come to cast a shadow over it.

To be able to be truly happy, you have to learn to trust all over again. You have to let go of the shadows of yesterday. You have to realize that while cobwebs are inevitable part of life, when they are allowed to last becomes traps. The beauty about life is allowing the past act as a motivation for the future. We are prone to mistakes and when they come, must be used as a ladder to reach on to better things in life.

This lady has done the right thing about telling you about this man. You won’t be pressurizing her to do as you say if she has kept quiet about this man. Learn to give her the benefit of doubt.

Doubtless her answer sounds provocative, but fighting her won’t make her change her mind. Rather, show her how much you love her as well as her importance to you. When a woman is secured in the love of her man, she will never do anything to hurt him or for him to suspect her.

Showing her that you trust her sufficiently to do her thing is one of the quickest ways of making a woman change her mind about her course of action. At that point one thing runs supreme in her mind, that of not betraying the man who has given her so much trust whereas anger and stubbornness at being told whom she can associate with or not makes her blind to reason.

Just tell her you trust her enough to go with her reasons even if the whole thing makes you very uncomfortable. Telling her about your discomfort would make her a little careful and unlikely to risk losing you.

This attitude would also help you more confident of yourself as a man. Insecurity in a man could lead him to losing his focus in life because the time that would have been spent on productive ventures goes into monitoring and picking needless quarrels with his woman thereby weakening the support base of his home and life.

As the head, you must resist the damaging consequences of insecurity. When in doubt about any situation, always ask questions before complaining or acting.

At 22, there is plenty of time for you to build on your self-confidence to avert the disaster of a broken home as a result of your inability to properly pilot the affairs of your matrimony with the maturity it deserves.

Good luck.

My Ex Put Our Secret Deal On Public Soapbox

Dear Agatha,

I was in a relationship with a man I loved so much until he travelled out. But before he left, something happened between us. My ex-boyfriend said things that scandalized my name which although were false but didn’t go down well with my boyfriend.

Officially, we are still dating but there is another man who has expressed interest in me and I think I like him.

Agatha, I am confused. Please tell me what to do.

Ability.

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Dear Ability,

Haven’t you learnt anything from what your former boyfriend said about you? Didn’t you take anything away from that unfortunate episode?

If nothing, it should teach you to be careful about the choices you make as well as the image you project of yourself at all times.

Common sense demands you properly end a relationship before embarking on another one. If you and your current boyfriend are still an item, the best thing is for you to inform him about your change of plan. Since you and this man aren’t married, you still have every right to change your mind, hence should be free to tell him instead of loitering around him while into something new with another man.

Not telling him would only confirm what the other man said about you and could in the long run create some problem for you and this new man of yours who may later too be told about your past.

There is still no substitute to honesty and for a woman that includes self-respect that comes from restraint.

As a young girl with some sort of credibility problem, be careful how you migrate from one man to the other. What makes you so sure you like this man, that he is different from all the other men before him and that you can remain faithful to this one?

Precisely what do you seek in a man? What reasons do you go into a relationship? Who is your ideal man? I ask these questions to help you focus on the more important things in a relationship; those things that will never perish that give frame and flesh to relationship.

Why did you leave your former boyfriend for your current boyfriend? And why do you want to leave him now for this new man? What has this new man to offer which the others before him lacked?

What makes him sufficiently different to make you want to leave this man who despite what your ex said about you still stood by you?

There is more to relationship than a boy meets a girl. It has to have character, strength, and ability to absorb injuries, shocks as well as lift up the couple involved.

While you have every right to do as you like with your emotions, be careful you don’t go into a relationship for the wrong reason. Think and apply the wisdom of God especially now that your current boyfriend is away. Use the opportunity to create by the absence of your boyfriend to ponder on what you want from a relationship and life.

This knowledge would go a long way into helping mould you as well as settle you into a new pattern of life.

Without you first taking this time out to clear your head of the many mistakes you are currently making, you will only end up making things worse for yourself.

In your shoes, I will think before leaping to avoid an unbroken fall. Go into this relationship only when convinced that you are doing the right thing. Even if you are having an issue with your current boyfriend, running away into the arms of another man isn’t the solution because overtime too, this relationship too would begin to show signs of tear and wear. Would you also run away into the arms of another man? If you are serious about growing a relationship, you will stay to work on whatever the problem may be since both of you are two different people trying to make something special happen between the two of you.

It takes a lot of sacrifices and perseverance to make something really good happen.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am a final year law student. I reside and school in Anambra State. I am really an addict of your column. I am also a very prolific writer. I need your help in getting a man who is God fearing, responsible and serious as well as resident in the east for a friend. He must be between the ages of 28 and 30 years of age.

Any interested man can get me through this number, 08074050577.

Queen.

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Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your work. I am a widower in my 40s with three children. I am HIV positive but very healthy. I would appreciate a woman who is positive and desirous of marriage. She must be a Christian, endowed with the spirit of oneness, should contact me through this number, 08056215900.

Re: Not Ready To Hook Me, Yet Hangs On

Click here for the original article and comment(s).

My Hatred For Girls, Blame Masturbation

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for all you are doing. There are these problems I need your urgent attention to solve. I don’t know how to deal with them.

First, I masturbate. I have tried to stop it, but to no avail. Secondly, I lack interest in women. If I meet a girl and we become friends, the whole things doesn’t last more than two weeks before I begin to feel hatred towards the woman.

The worst thing is that I don’t make friends easily and the few I make, I lack feelings for them especially the ladies. The strange thing about it all is when we begin; I can go all out to make them feel comfortable. I would stop at nothing to make them happy, including spending a lot of money on material things for them. I can be very extravagant in those early days before I begin to lose interest.

Agatha, you won’t believe this, I have never slept with any of these women or with any woman for that matter.

What do you think is the problem with me? How do I stop masturbating and have a girlfriend in life?

Donald.

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Dear Donald,

At what age did you get introduced to the act? How did it all begin? A lot of your attitude towards women could have been informed by the circumstances that led you into masturbation.

And sincerely, there is no way you can enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a woman as long as you depend on it to have fulfillment. It is a conscience thing, something that you have no control over, something etched in your sub-consciousness. It would take a lot of will battle on your part to come out of a habit that has almost become your second skin.

To help you beat the habit, ask this all-important question. How do you feel after it all? Do you feel proud of yourself or repulsed at what you are doing? Sex, when done the right way brings along with it a sense of deep fulfillment as well as peace.

It is something you are not ashamed to admit. But can you admit to having sex with yourself among your friends? How does it make you feel when others are talking about their girlfriends as well as their relationships?

You must find a way of falling out of love with yourself, to make room for a woman to be part of your life. There is no way you will find a woman interesting enough for you to stay with her if you are constantly in your thoughts. You have made yourself the competition for other women in your love life.

Masturbation has become your passion, addiction and life. Nobody can help you get rid of the habit until you are ready to give it up.

To help yourself, you must first of all make a determination to stop it at all means. This means diverting your energies to very strenuous exercises whenever the urge comes to make love to yourself. Enlist the help of a trusted friend to be around you, because these initial days are going to be tough and depressive. Tough, because having gotten used to touching yourself, it has become addictive. As with every addiction, the initial period of withdrawal is the most difficult because you will always keep having the urge to do things in what has become the normal way of life to you.

It is also essential you enlist the help of God in this matter. He is more than able to handle all things and has the compassion to overlook all our mistakes.

The next time you see a girl, look for friendship, someone you can talk to and who in turn has a caring heart. Overtime, you will be able to care for each other as well as share things you have never shared with anybody. Your friendship would get to a stage that you will have no inhibitions sharing your past story with her.

Avoid, for now, women that are materialistic in nature, only concerned about what they can get from men. These types of women would only spoil you for that special woman meant to make you a complete man in life.

Good luck.