He Cheats On Me, Yet Finds Ground For Flat Excuse

Dear Agatha,

Please, I have a very big problem. I have been in love for four years now, but the problem is that he is not telling me the truth. I know, because I have caught him severally.

I noticed that when a girl calls him on the phone and I am within hearing range, his answers to whatever the lady is saying would be in monotones of ‘yes, okay and no.’

Thereafter he would tell me the person is either his business partner or a male or a colleague. But whenever I call the number afterwards, I will hear a female voice.

Because I love him so much, I refuse to be bothered by this, but the situation is becoming unbearable. Two weeks ago, while putting together his dirty clothes to wash, I came across a pack of condoms out of which two were missing. To show him I had seen it, I removed it from the top where he had hidden it and placed it on the drawer before going home. I just kept it on top of the table and went home.

I honestly expected him to call me to either apologise or come up with an excuse, no matter how stupid. He didn’t call until two days later, only for him to tell me that unless I ask questions I won’t know anything; that until I ask questions concerning how the condoms got to his house, he won’t discuss the issue with me. And that if I think he is cheating on me, I should quit.

However, a week after he called me to come and wash his clothes. I went over, washed his clothes and cooked his food. He didn’t make mention of the condom issue.

Right now, I am so confused. I hate his attitude towards me.

His neighbours are always telling me about his other women, but I don’t believe it because he always swears with his life that he can’t cheat on me, and that no girl enters his room except me. This makes the condom thing to bother me.

If I am the only one in his life and he isn’t cheating on me, who is the condom for?

Agatha, what do think I should do? Quit the relationship or give him time to change. Do you think he would ever change?

Chy.

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Dear Chy,

You must be very careful to avoid ending up with two pains in your heart. You may have dated this man for four years, but in reality you lacked the knowledge that goes with growing a relationship.

If after four years you are still struggling with the teething problem of trying to establish your place in his life, it means your four years have been wasted on the wrong values.

From his reactions to you, it is obvious he lacks respect for you. Even if his friend brought the condom to his house, the ideal thing for him to have done, knowing the impression your discovery of that incriminating evidence could have caused in your mind, is to have called you immediately to explain its presence in your home. Even if he had to lie at that point to ease the tension created by the discovery, he should have done just that.

To totally ignore your feelings and insist he won’t discuss it because you failed to ask him is totally wrong.

Again, it points to a fundamental flaw in your relationship. Unless both of you come together to discuss the future of this relationship, you will never get over the issue of loyalty, trust and respect.

So, there is the need for you to go back to him to ask questions regarding his feelings for you. Begin by telling him to explain who owns the pack of condoms, and who were the missing two used for. If he says they belonged to his friend, ask him how come this friend didn’t take his date to his own house and why did he leave the condoms behind? Also ask why were the condoms hidden and not placed in an open place if he had nothing to hide?

His response and temperament would tell you if he is telling the truth. I know and support deploying patience in growing a relationship, but there is a limit to it. Don’t allow love to blind you to obvious hints about dangers ahead. Calling you to come and wash his clothes as well as cook his meals when he has refused to discuss the vexing issue of the condom isn’t too tidy. Such a matter is too serious to be swept under the carpet or ignored.

Just as it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to grow a relationship. Unless he is willing to help you, your efforts to keep this relationship going would fail. It will definitely get to a point your efforts will collapse.

Therefore, the wise thing to do now is to sit back and revaluate your relationship. Do you think this man is half as interested in you as you in him? In your four years of being together, were you to score the quality of respect he accords you, how would you grade him?

And if you have the evidence through monitoring his calls that he is indeed involved with other girls, how come you are so certain that he has not been lying to you? What do you think his neighbours stand to gain by telling you about all these other girls? If you don’t believe his neighbours, how come you are thinking of quitting the relationship? Something definitely must be the problem for you to be contemplating on this action.

Granted, trust is essential to the growth of a relationship, but the worst injustice anyone can do him or herself, is to lie about naked facts. It is called deceit and only a fool does that. You must learn to be honest to yourself if you plan to be happy in life.

Admitting that he has a problem with being faithful is the ideal thing to do, because it will help you come to a more practical way of handling this flaw in him. If you know how important he is to you and how strong your love for him is, it would be easier for you to handle this aspect of him once you know precisely what you are in for, it will help you deal with the peculiarity of his person as well as take a firm decision on this issue.

To help you, these are some of the questions you should ask yourself. Do you think he is taking you for granted, playing on your intelligence? And importantly, do you think you are stupid to be a willing victim to his plans?

Change would depend on how strong your shock absorbers are as well as the depth of your patience. It will also come from how well you can pray.

Just learn to be very honest to yourself. Once you are, you will know what to do.

Good luck.

Why Don’t You Package Your Past Works In Book?

Dear Agatha,

It is my pleasure to suggest that you put down all the past questions and answers on your relationship column in a book format for a particular price. If in volumes, better. I hope it will be much more helpful as people will have access to your past works when the need arises. Thank you and may God grant you more grace to continue the good work.

Paul.

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Dear Paul,

Thanks for the suggestion. We are working towards that.

Agatha.

Lonely Hearts

I am a regular reader of your great column to the extent that I have built a library on just your page clippings. Immediately after reading, I just remove your column and keep. And I can testify that since early 2008 till today I have all your columns in my library. I just want to commend you on your wonderful work, God has been using you to do wonderful job for human race. You have saved many families from going into disaster, you settled young ladies and gentlemen's cases. Through your column many have learnt how to solve certain problems. Again, through your column many lonely hearted men and women were hooked to their better halves. May the good Lord continue to increase you with knowledge, wisdom and power in Jesus name.

Please I am a lonely hearted lady and seriously in need of your help. I am a lady and I have never had any man friend. Now I want to have some serious female and male friends. Please interested men and women should contact me on this phone number 080 688 958 61 or nwakaigwe@yahoo.com. I work and based in Enugu. I am of Igbo origin from Enugu State.

Please I will be grateful if I benefit from this your good work.

Ngozika

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Dear Agatha,

I want to let you know you already have a seat in heaven, because of what you are doing for many people out there. I need a Christian beautiful girl of average height to love. My ex girlfriend cheated on me and will be getting married this month. Please hook me up. I need somebody to love. I am lonely, 24 years of age and Igbo. I don’t mind the tribe the woman comes from, provided we have a connection. An interested lady can get me through this email: Jides obianozie

I’m Too Timid To Ask Her Out…

Dear Agatha,

I must say a very big thank you for the good job you are doing. God will continue to bless you for this good job of yours. Please keep it up.

My problem, there is this girl I like so much, but afraid to ask her out.

We actually started as chat mates on phone before we became good friends. I have visited her at her house and we are so close that I cannot sleep at night without saying or sending her a goodnight message. I have asked her and she said she does not have a relationship and I believe her. Yet I am still scared of asking her out for fear that she might turn me down for reasons I do not even now.

Agatha, I am too involved now and love this girl so much. Please help me.

Confused Lover.

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Dear Confused Lover,

Don’t be. It is the duty of the man to ask and the woman to either accept or decline. Being friends, you have an advantage others don’t have. At least, your friendship with her has armed you with some knowledge about her. If nothing, you must by now have inkling into her temperament, things she likes and what she doesn’t like.

For her to have told you she is without any relationship in her life means you won’t be stepping on any toe if you ask her out.

The good place to start is to ask why she has no boyfriend. Listen to her reasons before probing further into what she likes the most in her man. Give her all the chance to talk about herself and likes before telling her your own views about your ideal woman. End it by telling her she fits perfectly into the image of your ideal woman and that you would appreciate if she gives you the chance to be more than a friend to her.

Make her understand that nothing much would change because you enjoy so much being her friend. That the only thing that would change is your commitment to each other, which makes it forbidden to both of you to date other persons.

The fear of rejection would arise if you have other things in mind except friendship. Her rejection as well annoyance would come if she thinks you are trying to take advantage of her friendship with you to insult her integrity. Once she knows that your feeling for her isn’t out of disrespect, but something real and wonderful, even if she lacks the same sentiments for you, she will never cease to be your friend. Especially if she has the maturity to understand that such feelings are necessary attributes of life.

The danger of you not trying is to have someone snatch her right under your nose, while you look on. By that time you will only have your dreams to hold on to and the painful memories of regrets.

Which would be more painful, have her taken away from you due to fear of rejection or have her reject you, but with the satisfaction that you at least tried?

Fear is meant to be conquered, so go to her and tell her what you feel. The worst she can do is to say no, not condemn you to life imprisonment or death for doing what men are supposed to do.

Good luck.

Her Snoring Sends Me On Permanent Night Duty

Dear Agatha,

I am a specialist nurse in one of the leading hospitals in Victoria, Australia.

My wife and I have been married for six years and our marriage is blessed with two lovely kids. My main problem is my wife snoring habit. It has became a big trouble for me, I am a light sleeper and most nights I only have may be two to three hours of sleep because of her snoring.

Over the years, I have woken her up on several nights to change her breathing position to control the loud noise, but it will only work for few minutes before it starts again.

I have tried earplug but never feel comfortable with it and on few occasions that I have to relocate to the guest room, she didn’t like the idea. Now I have technically taken to night duty to allow me the opportunity to sleep during the day and only face my trouble again when I have my off day. She has been asking me when I am going to stop night duty, I know she senses that my night duty is deliberate because I am not obliged to if I don’t really want to being a senior clinician at the hospital.

What do I do?

Tade.

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Dear Tade,

Signing up for permanent night duty won’t help or make the problem vanish rather, it would only destroy your home and marriage. Very soon your wife may begin to think you are having an affair, a trend that would spell disaster to your home.

The best thing is for you to tell her why you have resigned yourself to permanent night at work. She may not have full appreciation of how her snoring habit affect you but telling her it is the reason you now spend the night at work would help her device an acceptable approach that would keep you at home every night.

Being in the medical field, you know there is nothing effective that can cure or stop snoring. Therefore you both must come up with an acceptable mid-solution aimed at preserving your marriage as well as sanity within it. This is the point you both have to make sacrifices for the sake of your children because any attempt by either of you to do a sole job of this or make a rigid position could spell doom on your marriage and consequently affect your children.

In resolving this matter, it is important you put the interest of the children above yourselves.

Because you have to be on alert, at all time in your profession, you need sleep, quality one for that matter. Therefore, if you have tried everything, none of which worked, it is best you give in to reality. The reality here is that she snores and you need sleep to function. Since you cannot put up with the noise, one of your options is to consider separate rooms.

Having separate rooms ensure you get to sleep as peacefully as you like while she has the satisfaction of having you in the house. The extra room is only to serve as your escape room, not your marital room in the night when the noise from her snoring becomes too much for you to put up with.

Your clothes and personal effects stay in your main room, meaning until you are ready to sleep and then on those nights she needs your company or you need hers, you get to pay the sacrifice of putting up with her snoring.

You may be sailing your marriage into troubled waters, unless you are both ready to make the necessary adjustment to suit the demands of a situation.

So, talk to her and let her see how much her snoring is affecting you. Once you make her understand precisely what you are going through by the noise she makes at night, she won’t complain too much about you sleeping in the guest room.

Good luck.

Re: Before Her Brags Set Me Against Our Family

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Religious Bias May Cancel Our Planned Unity

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your advice to me. I appreciate all you said. My main problems are my parents, being their eldest female child, are pressurising me to marry. The second problem is the fact that the guy I am dating right now is a Muslim. I honestly don’t know how to present him to my parents. He is also not helping matters as he keeps telling me to begin to adapt to the ways of his religion. Whenever he says this, I never fail to tell him that I expect him to change to my way of religion and not me changing to his. Despite this we are very much in love.

On August 24, this year, I had a revelation about him that is really troubling my mind. I wept for him because in that dream, he had dated a lady with an unusual spirit who in turn has caused a lot of havoc in his life. He kept the secret from me all this while until this dream.

When we started dating, I told him to tell me everything about his life, but this particular one, he kept as a secret. I am confused.

I don't know what to do. I don't have any friend to confide in beside you. Please help me out.

Victorious.

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Dear Victorious,

This is a very challenging situation, one in which you have to be highly alert spiritually if you are to help this man resolve his problem.

The immediate issue now is to help him get out of the tangle his dating the wrong woman has gotten him into. Whether you both agree to shift to one religion or not, unless the spiritual control that other woman exercises over him is broken, there is little hope of you two being happy together.

God that showed you that revelation means for you to use it to help him out of the abyss he has unwittingly walked into. The thorny challenge of the religion you or he eventually adopt, may be laced into this problem.

Therefore, get him to tell you more about the woman and how deep is the damage she has done to his life. It is pertinent you know the strength of your opponent as well as the right arsenal to use to get victory.

In some cases, it is a simple case of going to apologise for any wrong done. Let him tell you what promises he made to her and how they both ended the relationship. If you want to do a good job, it is necessary you remain fair minded especially to the woman who isn’t there to state her own side of the story.

What did you man do to provoke her anger and subsequently the punishment? Doubtless, people with familiar spirit cannot be trusted, the fact remains that in some cases, they fight their victims on account of the wrong done them.

Let him understand at this point, it is in his interest to tell you the whole truth. And if he doesn’t deserve the treatment but done on account of him leaving her, then it is a case of you praying to God to have mercy and to intervene on the side of your man. That he is a Muslim or not has nothing to do with you going to God to help for the simple reason that He gave you the vision.

This is one battle you cannot win on your own, you need help. Confide in your pastor who is in the best position to support you with prayers.

he may have to go for deliverance because if he slept with her during the relationship, a covenant has been entered into by the two of them. the knowledge of sex between a man and a woman is one of the most powerful covenants between a man and woman because it is the one act that touches the three tiers of man; the body, spirit and the soul. This is why it is very easy for a woman who is out to destroy a man to do so easily because she has access to his spirit and soul.

The woman being the recipient of his seeds inside her body has extra powers to use this is advantage against the man.

This is why unmarried couples are told to zip up. Sex makes it easy for any woman to control the life of any man she has had contact with.

This hold can only be broken through the mercy and grace of God. Insist, if he loves you, he should go for deliverance else, in addition to your religious differences, you will be confronting a spiritual battle your relationship may not survive.

It is only after you conclude this, you can now address the issue of your religious differences.

A lot would depend on how much you both love each other and how strong your religious feelings are. If you are both too involved in your religion to let go, it might be very difficult to push because without a good unity between the two of you, the relationship will never be able to withstand the expected opposition from your different families.

So the issue you both should first sort out is how much your love for each other is worth. It is only this that would determine the sacrifices, compromises as well as the quality of your loyalty to yourselves. Sincerely, this is a decision nobody can make for you because when it comes to the issue of love and happiness, it is has the logo of privacy. What works for someone may not work for you.

This is the point for both of you to face the truth about yourselves, religions as importantly your feelings for each other. By the time you aggregate all these, you will know what to do.

Just stay close to God who knows and sees everything.

Good luck.

Raw Animosity From My Late Husband’s Kinsmen

Dear Agatha,

God bless you. My problem is killing me and since I have no friends and family, you are the only one I know to see me through in Jesus name.

My predicament started when I got married to my late husband some years back. His family never accepted me, never liked me from the very first day. I am an orphan and despite all odds, my husband loved and stood by me against the decision of his family.

When we got married, only his father was in attendance at the ceremony. He was very supportive and told the rest of the family he saw nothing wrong with me.

Unfortunately, I lost my father after my third child and my husband too, two years after. He left behind three children for me to look after.

After his death, all hell was let loose as the family came out strongly to accuse me of killing their son. They branded me a witch who left her parents in a less privileged home.

They pushed my children and I out of the house and with nowhere to go, I decided to pack into the church. The pastor, an elderly man, and his wife gave us a room in the church to stay.

But my husband’s people won’t have any of that as they went all out, spreading the rumours that the pastor and I were having an affair. The leadership of the church, to protect the reputation of the church, transferred the pastor out of the place. Before he left he gave me some money to feed the children, his number to always get in touch when we need anything as well as narrated my ordeal to the new pastor. The new pastor, who took over won’t have children and I living in the church because he didn’t want his name and reputation to be dragged in the mud.

As a matter of fact, he told us to leave a week after he resumed.

While all these were going on, my last child fell sick, and that resulted to death. It was a particularly harsh period for me. The pastor had to force the children and I out few days after I lost the baby.

Thank God I was able to save from the money the former pastor gave me. He was not only a pastor, but also a father and a mother to me. He took my children as his own even the wife made sure my children never lacked anything.

To regain my sanity and avoid the maliciousness of my in-laws, I decided to relocate particularly as my late husband’s people were planning to take away the children from me for what they called spiritual cleansing in their village.

Though I had nowhere in mind or place to stay, I ran away because they were determined to apply force to take children from me. Besides, it went against my religious beliefs, as a born-again Christian.

Agatha, right now, things are so difficult, but His grace shall always keep us. I have sent many messages to you through NIPOST, but never got a reply. Since I don’t know how to use a computer, I had to pay someone at the cyber café to do this for me. I came across your column when I visited my pastor, we read a story, and your advice was to the point and also very Godly.

For some time his number hasn’t been going through. He may have lost his phone and can’t reach me because my phone was also destroyed during the whole crisis.

Agatha, all I want you to do for me is to help publish this as well as get in touch with me for him get in do touch with us. This is my new number for him to get in touch. His name is Pastor, Godwill Okaeor.

Please help me.

Grace Amadi.

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Dear Grace Amadi,

The God who never disgraces widows, who is never known to vacate His ancient throne of mercy would never leave you and your children to suffer in life. At every point you call on Him, He will answer.

Just be strong for those children whose care God has given you the sole responsibility. Your current predicament isn’t unknown to God who sees and knows all things. He has allowed this to happen to train you to be stronger and also teach you some basic lessons in life. Having gone through this harrowing experience in life, you now know what it takes to be kind to people.

You will surely come through this whole episode smelling roses, once you have the faith and confidence in God.

What you should do now is to prepare yourself for the challenges of looking after those children in the best possible way you can. Granted, it would be difficult especially as you don’t have anybody to run to, but you will eventually overcome. Always commit them to the hands of God. When it is time for God to exalt you before the world comes, nobody would be able to stop the work from manifesting.

I am sure, your pastor, after reading this piece would get in touch with you. As for your other letters sent through NIPOST, I didn’t get any.

Whether the pastor gets in touch or not, keep faith with God as you struggle with the challenges of life. His is the only solid shoulders to lean on and you can be sure, he would raise other helpers for you.

Good luck.

My Ex Calls For Reunion

Dear Agatha,

When I was 20 years of age I took blood oath with my first girlfriend. That was in 2000. After graduation, I got employed into a stock-broking firm and rose to become a head of department. We broke up due to financial conflicts.

I met my wife when I went for the introduction ceremony of a friend. We have been married for eight years now and blessed with three sons. I now have my own firm and doing very well.

Last week, my ex started calling me, even though she knows I am married, that we get together since she is yet to marry because of the blood oath we took. According to her it can only be broken if we got back together.

Of course, I declined and told my wife about it because we don’t have secrets between us.

I feel for her but what can I do to help her?

Nosa.

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Dear Nosa,

You can help her by assisting her to go for deliverance. Your grace may be coming from your wife’s spiritual standing with God. Not everyone is that lucky. Blood oath carries along with it a very strong spiritual implication, which has to be broken through deliverance of both or one of the parties to move forward in life.

While insisting that her solution isn’t with you, help her go to any strong deliverance pastor you know to conduct a deliverance session for her.

Whether you like it or not, that exchange of blood gives her some spiritual powers over you, the type she can manipulate to her advantage if she is the diabolical type. And without still unmarried and trying her utmost best to get back with you, it’s best you ensure she gets off your back by doing all you can do now to help her get the deliverance from the consequences of the blood oath both of you took.

Since she is the one who seems to be carrying the baggage of that oath, plead for the understanding of your wife to ensure your ex becomes a permanent feature of the past else she could be a huge thorn in the harmony of your home. This is because a desperate and unhappy woman is capable of doing anything especially if the object of her desire seems to be having all the luck in the world.

Her calling you and insisting she wants to become a part of your life is only just the beginning so you need the help of an anointed man of God not only to conduct a deliverance on her but to assure that she is free to move on with her life.

In addition to the spiritual aspect, there is the psychological aspect to this issue, that of her blaming the oath for her predicament. She has to know that whatever setback is confronting her, can be redressed with right attitude by her.

Good luck.

I Love Him, But Can’t Grant Him His Demand

Dear Agatha,

There is this man who has a very comfortable job and who is willing to take care of me but says the only condition he will do that for me is for me to sleep with him.

According to him, sex will prompt closeness between the two of us. He has tried to make love to me. I don’t want to lose him but also don’t want to sleep with him. Please help me out.

Confused Spinster.

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Dear confused Spinster,

If this man is actually interested in helping you, he will not insist he sleeps with you as a condition for help.

Any man who says the only condition he will help a woman is to sleep with her is out to defraud her body. Such men are not to be trusted because once they get their fill of a woman, they will move on to another.

If this man is actually interested in helping or interested in you, he won’t give you such a condition at all. That he did, shows he is lacking respect for you as a woman. As a matter of fact you should walk away from him and do not contemplate the issue because you can get yourself confused in the process.

A man who is really interested in a woman doesn’t make such a proposition to her. To such a man, sex can always wait and certainly he doesn’t think it as a motivation for him to do anything for her. He offers assistance because he feels like it and out of a genuine desire to offer assistance to a friend and a woman that has touched a very special place in his heart.

With this type of man there are no guarantee that he won’t leave you for another woman once he has had you. He will still leave you whether you sleep with him or not. For him, sex is a game he enjoys engaging in to his delight and pleasure. He senses you are desperate for his help and so wants to use it to do his bidding. If you do it now, there is no stopping the number of times he will use your desire for his help to blackmail you into doing it.

Insist that you are not ready to sleep with him now or later, if he wants to help you, but until your wedding night. He has one choice: to help you without conditions or allow you go your way.

Money will come and go. Your reputation as a woman remains priceless. If you on the altar of money allow it to slip away, it can never be repurchased with all the money in the world. People in the know will always refer to it, no matter how rich you become in life.

As a young girl, learn from this early beginning that nothing glories a woman more than hard work. Granted it is a painful process up the ladder but in the long run it gives the woman the edge over others who slept their way to the top. Look for something on low scale you can do with or without the help of a man, eventually you will make more than enough to meet your basic needs and be able to make your own rules without any man forcing his choices on you.

Learn to be focused as well as determined to make it on your own. With God on your side, the sky will be just the beginning for you.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a good job. Please, I need a mature and serious lady for a relationship that could lead to marriage.I am 35, Yoruba, graduate, employed and based in Lagos. The lady must be a Christian between the ages of 28-32 years of age. She could either be Yoruba or Ibo. My mobile is 08028444975.

Tope.

She Doesn’t Care About My Feelings

Dear Agatha,

I am addicted to your column and I must commend you for the good work.

I am in my mid 30s, married for six years with two lovely children. The reason I am writing has to do with our sexual desire and sex life as a couple.

We both enjoy foreplay and on my part I always strive to make her sexually comfortable, at least from the response of her body language during sex and from the few words she says, I know she is impressed.

However, I am bothered that this is a one-way thing. My wife prefers to lie back while I do all the work. She refuses to participate in the process. I have tried in many ways including complaining to her that foreplay is integral to my ultimate sexual pleasure, sometimes pulling her hand to touch and feel me.

I have at several times told her how it is for me and how she can help me reach my peak, but none of my efforts have worked.

All I get from my effort is an apology over her shortcoming and promises to make amends but forgets immediately we are back to the act. At first I thought she usually gets carried away when I am trying to arouse her for pleasure and in the process forgets the need for her to reciprocate the gesture but I am now very convinced that she just can’t be bothered about my feelings at all.

I say this because on those days she really craves for it and I am not engaged in other things, she does extraordinary things to bring me on the same page with her. On such occasions, she simply blows my mind with imaginative foreplay.

Agatha, I don’t know how to handle this issue and for me the idea of having an extramarital affair is out of it totally because I can’t handle it. I do really need your advice.

Worried Husband.

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Dear Worried Husband,

I understand your frustration because there is no substitute for quality sex for a married couple. It is a gift specifically created by God to help keep the mechanical wheel of marriage constantly lubricated. And it could be exasperating when one of the pair in the marriage is feeling cheated of this pleasure.

Having severally drawn her attention to the issue and failing to get a positive response from her, you may have to use subtle blackmail of your own having established the fact that it isn’t as if she is adverse to touching your body or lacks the knowledge of foreplay.

But not before drawing her attention to her attitude. Ask her why she goes all out to elicit your response when she is the one desirous of it and lays dormant when you are the one who wants the pleasure of her body. Make her realise that this attitude is giving you concern because it presents her as being selfish and unconcerned about your rights too to have as much fun as she is having from the marriage. If she refuses to act on this, you also reserve the right to use whatever means to ensure she appreciates that you also have water and blood running in your veins.

Having established the fact of her extraordinary prowess of the act on those days you are not up to it, why not enjoy the pleasure of making her do the work by pretending on most days not to be in the mood. We women are experts at not being in the mood when we have one or two points against our husbands. There is no law that prevents the man too from using sex as a weapon to enforce his rights at home. It is a game we women have perfected over the years and which get men doing what we want in exchange for the pleasure of our bodies. Take it from me it works because sex, being an animalistic urge is blind to reason at the critical stage hence approval to any request comes without thought or argument.

Having noticed she performs at her premium best, get her to kick-start the process before you key into it. This way, without you complaining, you get her to give you the type of pleasure you want before helping her to realise hers.

However, it is absolutely important you don’t forget what the motive is because that could lead to series of other problems in the marriage. The motive is to ensure you both achieve extraordinary heights in your relationship to prevent you, especially out of frustration, from having an extramarital affair and not to humiliate or punish her for her attitude towards your desire all these years. To do that would be to destroy your marriage as well as the trust you have both built into making it stand for the six years being married to each other.

The idea is actually to get her to want you so much and do things she normally would not do to and with your body. Because of the added pleasure that awaits her, she would soon realise that she has been shortchanging herself by refusing your full participation in the process.

This means that on your part, you must also be ready to add more imagination, incentives as well as abandonment only married couples can give to each other to make her want to continue on that path. Once she is hooked, she would not want it any other way than this one and would certainly make your marriage stronger.

Some of the issues we classify as high tension in marriages, which more often than not lead to very unmanageable problems, can be resolved with the right amount of wisdom. Besides, there is nothing prayers cannot do since you stand on every legal and spiritual grounds to seek the face of God on this matter.

I am glad you are not into the idea of extramarital affairs because it would only destroy the home, whereas turning the tables against her would make her do what you want without her realising the game you are playing.

In addition, help the process of melting her by taking her out, bringing back some of the romantic memories of the yester-years and making her want you in that special way a woman wants the most important man in her life.

In matters like this, getting angry won’t solve any problem at all, it would rather make it difficult for both of you to focus on the solution to it.

Good luck.

Pastors Say She’s From ‘Strong’ Family

Dear Agatha,

I thank you for the way you answer questions relating to relationships. I pray, God will continue to bless you with wisdom.

I am currently in love with a lady, who is seeking admission to continue with her Higher National Diploma and I promise to marry her. The problem, however, is that the lady is from a ‘strong’ family. Three pastors have called me aside to warn me against marrying the lady. According to them, I must be ready to fight if I marry the lady.

I am confused and don't know what to do. I am planning on leaving her, but don't know how to do it without hurting her feelings. I also want us to continue as friends even when we go our different ways. Please, I need your advice on what to do. I am 31 while she is 29 years.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

What do you mean she comes from a ‘strong’ family? Is it spiritual or a family of tough people, principled persons who don’t like to be cheated? As pastors, they should be in a position to tell you what to do or if she is the right woman for you or not. This is because we all come from families with one history or the other, a history which isn’t devoid of fetish practices sometime in the ancient past, family of strange traditions and cultures. Many of us, pastors and religious leaders inclusive, are still struggling with the spiritual consequences of some of these traditions our ancestors got us into.

One of the challenges of taking a job in God’s vineyard is to help confused souls through the part of darkness into light. Having discovered the major challenge confronting her as a person, the next step for them is to help free her from whatever powers that are holding her captive.

Therefore, ask them what the panacea is. Leaving her isn’t a solution as such because the next woman may have more complications than hers. Since you wish to remain her friend, the law of proper friendship demands we offer assistance to our friends in time of need. Nobody may have told her about this aspect of her life, hence could be ignorant of why things might not be working well for her. That God has used you through these pastors to expose what is hidden in her life, go the extra mile by telling her about your discovery as well as what she can do to set herself free.

Remember, God says His people who are called by his name perish due to ignorance. Fate has a way of bringing people who are in different needs together for the sake of solving the major challenges in their lives. You may not know what your own flaws are or what salient spiritual battle is confronting you too, but God knows and could have sent her too to help drag you out of it.

If at 31, you still don’t have a stable relationship or an inkling of the type of woman for you, then something isn’t really right somewhere. Your willingness to jettison the relationship shows you don’t have a clear image of what you want in life as well as the needed determination to give you the push to achieve your dream in life.

By now you ought to know, no good venture is devoid of painful challenges as well as the struggle to make it work. In life is a road, too smooth at the beginning then something isn’t really right with it. If the opposition to your happiness is the history of her past, confront it with all the love and determination required to get you closer to your happiness.

Besides, what do you understand by love? Love comes with huge responsibilities; it is a journey of sacrifices, investment and unconditional giving. Would you have left her had these revelations come after your wedding? How much does the girl mean to you?

In matters like this, it pays to do a double check with God. Go to Him in prayers and supplication by asking for direct revelation on what steps you should take. Once God speaks, go the way He has directed irrespective of whatever anybody says. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets later in life because it is journey of numerous twists, turns as well as puzzle. Marriage is an individual thing and always best if the two people involved in it also go to God in prayers.

Your final decision should be based on what God says on the matter because His are the only words you can hold to. And if the instruction is for you to quit, go for the truth option. There is no substitute to telling the truth. She will eventually thank you for being so honest even though it may hurt her at the beginning.

Good luck.

My Parents Are Wrestlers In Our Parlour…

Dear Agatha,

I have lived my life watching my parents fight. When two elephants fight, the grass suffers. I don’t know what love is.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

That your parents’ example isn’t anything to write home about doesn’t remove from the fact that there is something called love. Despite the problems your parents seem to be currently having in their marriage, at one time or the other, love existed between them, strong enough to make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together.

You and your siblings are example of that love. Doubtless, something must have gone very wrong with them along the line to bring about this massive u-turn in their feelings for each other. At one time, they couldn’t get enough of the other.

The sad truth about marriage and falling in love is that it comes with a lot of painful sacrifices. One that a party in the relationship must decide on from the very beginning to help grow the union. Anybody can fall in love, but it takes dedication as well as the grace of God to sustain it.

The inability of the couple involved to take on the responsibility of making the right sacrifices is often the reason most end up bitter and dissatisfied with the choices they have made.

For anyone to remain in love, that person must at all times be ready to endure pains to share in the beauty of love.

Love is living in the body of your partner; it is being able to forgive the person of any offence, helping that person grow, showing respect, making huge sacrifices for that person through accommodation of that person’s faults, refusing to give up on that person even when all indices point otherwise, and uncertain as to where the relationship is headed. It is the failure of most couples to invest themselves into the happiness of their partners that bring about disappointments and bitterness.

For you to recognise love, you must have it yourself because what you don’t have, you cannot give. Learn to be patient, trustful, sincere, loyal, supportive, and tolerant with yourselves as well as understanding of yourselves. Above all, learn to be your own friend.

When you have invested time on making yourself happy, it is only then you can give these things to another person. A frustrated and impatient person can never be tolerant of another person neither can a self-centered be selfless.

Recognising these qualities in yourself makes it easier to focus on a person, who can bring about more improvement in you. It also makes it easier to know where the problem spot with your partner is as well as offer forgiveness at all times whether the person asks for it or not.

Again, communication makes it possible for couples to talk sincerely about their challenges instead of bottling up until it erupts into destruction. When couples quarrel like your parents are doing, it is because they haven’t mastered the importance of talking things over and coming to a middle ground. Love is also about responsibility and respectability. If you refuse to take proper responsibility for your actions, it follows you will lose respect of the other party.

Love is also about being realistic on all matters. Despite being a highly emotional thing, it often pays to be very realistic to avoid environmental frustration setting in.

When love comes your way, treat it like delicate chinaware, one that needs fragile handling, though it is tough enough to weather the storm of life. Love is tough but only if given enough attention and dedication to survive life’s challenges.

You can help your parents find the love they seem to have lost by offering them the right words as well as reminding them of their responsibilities to you all in addition to the example. By refusing to be judgmental and forgiving, you are giving them the benefit of having the best of you.

Whatever happens, don’t allow the example of your parents affect your ability to love or attitude towards marriage. Problems are concomitantly part of life, always to be solved. Once you have the right determination to make things work, they will.

When thorny issues come, it is always best to go on one’s knees to pray and ask for God’s wisdom. Not every matter requires a reply. Most battles in a relationship are best resolved through prayers to God, who has the ability to do all things right.

Good luck.

Not Ready To Hook Me, Yet She Hangs On

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your advice column. I commend your straight and unwavering answers to problems and questions.

In 2006 I lost my wife. She left behind two boys now eight and five years of age respectively. I was so devastated that all I thought of was just work and care for the boys.

I loved my wife so much. She was all I knew, we dated for over 10 years before we got married. It has always been only her in my life.

The whole of 2006 and 2007 never had any date for me. Surprisingly in late 2007 a girl working in my office walked into our life, it was like I had found all I wanted. She was all over the place, cared for the boys and in the process won my heart.

She told me from the beginning about her boyfriend who lived far off and that I should not read too much into her presence in my life. I never understood what that meant, because aside my wife, I don’t have any experience of dating another woman.

Since I have never double dated, it started giving me a lot of concern. I thought how could I be dating a girl I know has another man in her life? I called her and gave her end of March 2008 to make up her mind to either drop the other guy or forget about me. She would be 24 years soon.

Towards the end of June 2008, she said she wasn't going to continue with me, I asked her series of probing questions, trying to figure out why she took the decision to quit. I was particularly concerned about her feelings for the kids and how their presences contributed to the decision to quit. She assured it has nothing to do with them and that she would very much like to continue to be part of their lives and requested for permission to continue visiting them when I am not at home. She kept to her words.

However, I persisted in pursuing my interest in her. At one point she told me she has made up her mind to marry the other guy, because she can’t marry a man she does not love and wouldn’t want to end up regretting her decisions later in life. This time we stopped making love and only met at work place. She listens to lots of gossips, people were telling her I am tricky and all that, which were not true.

Some months later she was sacked from the company. She therefore decided to go back to her place. On the day she was to leave for her place she warned me to stop following her about, so it won’t appear as if she deceived me. We however kept the communication going as well as offer her financial assistance when the need arises.

Agatha, after all she told me months ago, that she can’t have anything to do with me anymore, all the insults as well as the bit about her making up her mind to marry the guy from her place, she has started coming to my house regularly and allows me to touch her, very much unlike before. She has started to care all over again as well as doing all those things that made me want her in marriage again.

I am confused and my concern now is why is she coming to me again? I am satisfied dealing with her from afar she has caused us, the boys and I, a lot of emotional pains. Could she be doing all these as a result of my financial assistance to her? I know the other guy is currently unemployed too and that she is the financial pillar in their family. I called and spoke to her about marriage again, she said she has not made up her mind and that she loves somebody else.

I am really confused as to why she is still coming when she is in love with another man, a school certificate holder. She and I are graduates.

Please, I need your advice, I don't want to make mistake. I don’t know what she has planned this time around. One thing I find very satisfying in her is her large heart for children. Besides she is the only person that has shown real concern for my kids.

Anonymous.

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Dear Anonymous,

It is obvious she is torn among her love for her boyfriend, her attachment to your children and the financial stability she derives from being with you.

Doubtless, she has some measure of feelings for you but not enough to make you happy with her. She will always find a special place in her heart for the man who has captured it to stay permanently.

To prevent yourself and children from getting hurt by her indecision, it is in all your interest you stop her coming to your house to see you or the children. Frankly, it was wrong of you to expose your children to a relationship you weren’t sure will lead anywhere. More so, as she told you about the existence of a boyfriend in life, take a cue from this entire experience and learn to keep your affairs under the lid until you are sure where it leads. It doesn’t augur well for the emotional stability for your children to be exposed to your numerous women until you have a definite answer on where a relationship is headed. To do so isn’t only to call your moral values to question where your children are concerned, but to give them the impetus too to be reckless when the time for them comes to be dating. The example you give now would go a long way in affecting how these children behave in future.

Remember you are the only solid feature in their lives now, their hero and role model, hence would want to pattern their lives after yours.

This is why you must do everything to protect your integrity as well as those of your children. You may love this girl and want her in your life, but her conduct shown that she doesn’t want what you want. Her attachment and sentiments for the children may be real, but she really has business with you and if her feelings for you is shallow there is no way she can make a good mother to the children. Eventually her resentment of you would affect her free flow with the children.

To give both of you time to do a thorough re-appraisal of your feelings for each other, stop any contact with each other for a while. Use this time out to think of what you really want from life and women generally, especially a new woman coming into your life. Don’t make the mistake most widowers do, trying to cast their relationships in the mould of the one they had with their late wives. Things don’t usually work that way.

Yes, the woman coming into your life must meet up to your basic requirements, but be sure those requirements are not determined by peculiarities of the late wife. We all come with special features hard to replace. In everything you do, the memory of the ex must be buried before you can think of having a life with another woman.

Again, you must look at the reason people gossiped you to her. Were there basis for what these people said to her? Even if you don’t think they were right about you, consider the motive behind it. The post-mortem is to help protect your relationship from malice as well as similar challenges.

To be very honest, there is nothing you can do about her unless the initiative comes from her.

For now, get to spend time with the children, let them know you because they need this time with you, to build memories, to be part of your life before a woman comes in again.

There is nothing that can be achieved by trying too hard to make things happen unless God ordains it.

In addition, learn to pray for God’s blessing and presence in your life. At His time, the right woman would come.

Good luck.

Doubt Her Sincerity To Marry Me…

Dear Agatha,

God will grant you more wisdom to do more for humanity, and his mercies to excel in life.

I am a guy of 24 years of age who has this friend of immense contribution to my spiritual life. We finally met three weeks ago, although we have been seeing each other from afar, exchanging greetings but with no close contact. To me, she is more than a friend because she called to confess that ever since we met three weeks ago, she hasn’t been the same. She said that something sparked inside of her at that close meeting.

She told me I am not supposed to be where I am and wanted to know if I am married. She went on to say if I have any problem that I don’t know who to call, I should feel free to call her and that she would do anything to help me. I fell in love with her from the first day I saw her too, but due to the nature of my work, I am a security man, I got scared to approach her.

But now, her love is going deeper in me that if God permits I would love to marry her because she is God fearing, I think, she is my type.

Since then, I have been praying to God to give me sign concerning her, but nothing yet. Now, I want to tell her my mind, but don’t know how, because I am scared she could refuse me and don’t want to lose her as a friend.This is because while she is a graduate and employed, I am just a school certificate holder. She might love to marry in future, but for now I don’t have what a man has to begin a family.

I am still struggling and don’t know her age too. Please advice me. I love her and don’t know what to do.

Worried Man S.A

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Dear Worried Man S.A,

I honestly think you are rushing too much into your menu and putting the last thing first. If both of you are just meeting for the first time, three weeks ago, how much of a contribution has she made in your life to warrant you saying she has influenced your life spiritually?

I know all about falling in love and how heady the sensation can be, but when it comes to issue of making the right choice, it is imperative that a lot of thoughts and consideration are put into it.

If you are just a secondary school holder and working as a security guard, your concern now should focus on how to improve yourself to enhance the quality of your life. While she may not mind having you in her life, still in the interest of your ego as the man and head of the family, strive to improve on your lot in life.

This has nothing to do with her love for you or yours for her but your role and place in her life later in life. This has to do with human psychology. For now, with the magic of love so strong and potent in life, she may not mind having you in her life. But how far this determination and love can go would depend on her attitude later in life when time has mellowed the potency of young love and reality sets in.

Being a graduate, would she ever be able to allow you play the role of her head with the pride this responsibilities demand? Since age is still on your side and responsibilities haven’t set in to rob you of concentration and finances, there is no harm in enrolling for one of the many part-time programmes in town.

There is also the need for both of you to pause your fast tracking of this relationship. Rather than planning marriage and wedding bells, begin as friends. Get to each other, your likes, dislikes, temperaments and how much of good friends you can be to the other. Marriage is more than two people coming together to fulfill their erotic desires; there must be a unity of the soul, spirit, and body. Unfortunately, many couples are more concerned about the body aspect to the neglect of the vital two that eventually determine which way the marriage would head.

As friends, you will be able to discuss difficult issues without shame or fear. For instance, the issue of your education can be discussed effectively under the platform of friendship without you feeling inferior to her. This is the potency of friendship. It has excellent shock absorbers that help friends make amends at every twist and turn that come from two strangers coming together to establish a lasting relationship.

As a friend call her and tell her everything about you. It always pays to be honest at every point in life. She will appreciate you the more if you do.

Good luck.

He Wants Wife, I’m Thinking Of Further Study

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way God has been using you to solve people’s problem. I have a little problem that I would want you to help tackle. I am into a relationship that, by the special grace of God, would see both of us marrying each other.

He has actually asked me to marry him next year. The problem now is that I don’t want to get married next year. I have told him to let the matter rest for now, but he is adamant. I have tried persuading him to allow me get to three hundred levels first, but kept pleading with me to see reason with him.

Doubtless, we are seriously in love with each other, but I am yet to gain admission into any university, though I hope to very soon.

He has assured me he would take care of my education. What do I do? Should I accept his proposal for the marriage next year? My mind is not matured for marriage now. I am just 20 years old.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

It is a complex situation, one that requires wisdom to deal with. The first place to begin is your heart. What do you understand by love and the attendant sacrifices that come with it?

Love means learning to live in the mind of another person, making sacrifices and compromises. If both of you are serious about spending the rest of your lives together, you have to learn to discuss thorny issues like this and come up with a middle road approach.

Why does he want to marry you next year? What are the major challenges he is facing? Are you both abstaining from sex? How old is he and what social or emotional pressure is he facing to warrant this desire?

Can you identify with any of the issues he is giving as reasons for wanting to marry you? Do you suspect his motive for wanting you to be his wife now? Do you think his reasons are selfish, unfair, and insensitive? Or has it to do with lack of trust?

These are issues you have to honestly find answers to. Nobody can make the decision for you since it concerns your entire life.

Rather than dismiss his suggestions out rightly, listen again to him. Why is he insisting? Ask him all over again to enable you do a thorough research into your mind’s eyes, to help you know how getting married now would affect your dream, plans and focus.

It is also important you know if he is the right man for you and vice versa. Both of you especially him must know what he is getting into, because there is more to marriage than two people living together. Has he the temperament, wherewithal as well as the attitude to stay with a woman? How would three years affect your feelings for him or his for you?

Marriage isn’t something one rushes into unless he or she is very sure to avoid its ugly side. The consequences of a hasty decision to marry are best avoided hence better to wait until one is absolutely sure.

If lack of maturity is what you are playing up, you have a valid point but one he would understand better if you first listen, reason and agree to compromises. You have to earn each other’s trust to be able to move this relationship beyond this point of confusion.

Don’t wait for him to bring up the matter again. After thinking out your reasons as well as your options, go to him with a middle ground thing. If he is insisting, it should be next year and you want it in three years time, agreeing on two years is a fair deal if both of you really want to spend your lives together.

Let him be convinced by your actions that you are as interested in him as he is in you. Only pleading for time will really make you ready for him. Insisting on your ways would only re-enforce the reasons for wanting marriage so soon.

You have to give him every reason to trust you especially if he is the one to sponsor your education. Sincerely, flowing from the bad experiences of other men who were dumped by women they sponsored through school, he may be having doubts about you, but one an honest approach on your part can erase. Don’t forget he is the one with the most to lose, not you. For most people, maturity comes with dedication and fairness at all times.

Go to God in prayers for clearer answers.

Good luck.

My Father Warns Against Late Marriage

Dear Agatha,

I am really grateful for the response you gave to my problem about the boyfriend I have been dating for three years who doesn’t seem to want anything else than travelling abroad against my persistent plea that he engages in something positive at least until he gets the visa.

My new problem is that it isn’t so easy to find a good man, as most men are simply out to catch fun these days.

Although, I am 25 but wouldn’t want to marry late. Besides, my daddy isn’t helping matters as he keeps reminding me I am of age and doesn't want me to end up like my stepsisters, over 30 yet unmarried.

Agatha, I am really worried because I don’t want to make any mistake by marrying the wrong person, because I have always longed for a very happy married life, which my parents don’t have.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

There is always a time and season for everything. When it is your God ordained time, things would happen without struggles.

The greatest mistake you can make is to get desperate over an issue you have no control over. Marriage isn’t a journey you embark on because others are doing it. It is a highly spiritual and individualistic journey that requires the input of God and His presence to bring it into being.

Our contribution to marriage is to listen to the inner voice of God, to point at the directions we should go and what to look out for in a man or woman we intend to share our lives with.

The real challenge before you isn’t the lack of male attention in your life but knowing what to look out for. If you were to come across a man that has the potentials to be your husband now, how would you know? What must your ideal man have? Are you the kind that places emphasis on a man’s look, the size of his pocket and the flashy cars that grace his exotic home?

Or are you the kind of girl who likes a man with an inner beauty, who has very enduring qualities like good character, supportive, tolerant, understanding, caring, responsible, respectful and above all, the fear of God, in her heart?

Many a time, mistakes come from the wrong values we project in the beginning of our lives. Today many young women are finding it increasingly difficult to get younger men to marry because these younger men are no longer as interested in marriage as before.

The liberal life young women began with the slang of women liberation, being able to survive without a man has made men too weary to settling down with a woman when they have the freedom also of having children as well as their freedom.

The materialism age projected by the young girls through their romances with sugar daddies with obscene money to lavish, considerably made the younger men who were increasingly losing their girls to these rich older men, more determined too to make money at all cost to bid for the hearts of these young girls, who once shunned them.

Because these men are convinced that money is the name of the game and the surest visa to a woman’s heart, they have no conscience, as long as they have money to spend treating any woman in their lives shabbily.

Again, many young girls are suffering heartaches due to the moral values they project of themselves. By nature men are hunter and would always demand for anything from the woman. It is the business of the woman to dictate the limits she is willing to go with any man, but a lot of girls, who, like you, are desperate to marry end up playing the game according to the rules set by men, which in the long run unfortunately backfires on the woman.

Don’t allow anybody, including your father, push you into a situation you may end up regretting later in life. This is because a bad marriage has the potentials of destroying many other things in your life especially if you are the strong emotional type whose system can get over shock easily. More often than not, such women end up very depressed, miserable and very bitter about life.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes to know what to avoid and what not. Since your father is the one pressurizing you into an early marriage, ask him to help you with tips on what to avoid and what not. There is no better teacher like experience. Helping you with these hits is helping you to secure a bright future, prepare you for the challenges of marriage and what your would be husband expects of you as his wife.

It is one of the best legacies he can bequeath you in the sense that most mistakes in marriages can be better managed if parents obliged their children with the benefit of their own experiences.

Let him know that sharing his experiences with you will go a long way into making your marriage one he can be proud off. His duty doesn’t end with asking you to get married, but ensuring you are happy too.

Importantly, you must help yourself learn to set realistic targets for yourself. No marriage is an equal opportunity thing. It strives on respect, dialogue, selflessness, patience, and the fear of God. As the woman, you must learn to endure and never compare your man or marriage with another person’s. Be contented with the choice God has made for you, because we all come in different sizes and colours. One of the costly mistakes a lot of women are making is to pattern their lives and marriages alongside the views of others. Always be bold to project what you really feel even if it means being given tags by your friends and society. Eventually, these same people will become envious once your ways are working well for you. Be wise if you want to be happy in life. When a man sees a woman, who is realistic and reasonable, he would want to stay around her for life.

Good luck.

Where Are These Men Hiding?

Dear Agatha,

I want to start by appreciating your work on people's life. May God give you the spirit to move on both in your life and other people's lives. I have a problem disturbing me. The forces me to always ask, where on earth are the good men hiding? Hope to see your reply.

God bless you.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

Like gold you have to look deeper for the real thing. The problem these days isn’t the unavailability of good men, but the wrong values a lot of girls are putting up. Many young girls of these days have since forgotten to look at the hearts of the many men that come to them, rather they are more interested in how deep his pockets are, how many flashy cars are packed at his ultra modern home and the connection he comes with.

So, naturally the men have learnt to repackage, telling lies to entice the girls who seems to have gone highly materialistic.

Young girls are increasingly having their hearts broken, their bodies defrauded because the men who are interested in them, who would give them peace as well as respect, lack the material things they want.

It is only expected in a society where wrong values have become the order of the day that pains and anarchy would reign supreme.

If you want to catch the good men who have since withdrawn to their shells, learn to be realistic. Look at what a man has inside of him and not the size of his pocket or the quality of his friends.

There is a lot of wisdom in humble beginning, a thing so many young girls seem to have forgotten. Not everything that glitters is gold. Women, who place too much emphasis on material things, the fast life and its attendant glamour end up with men who have no scruples, who treat women as an object rather than a person with feelings and a part of them.

Therefore, to protect yourself against heartaches and pains, first consider what you want from life, those things, which are most important to you. What most young women and men are forgetting while making a choice in life is that unless proper thoughts about the future are put first, ill-conceived choices always bring on pains and disappointment.

So, when looking for a partner, look at the man with the most compassion in his heart as well as support for you. Don’t look at his today, but his many tomorrows; his future and what you can do to help him realise his dreams. Determination to endure the usual struggle that accompanies most relationship in the beginning as well as the strength of character to make it work at all cost. What most women don’t appreciate is the fact that most men find it almost impossible to trust a woman who didn’t contribute anything to their wealth or history of prosperity.

Marriages, which have stood the test of time, are those that the women played a major role in helping push the men into the right direction in life. Before any woman can reap from any man, she must be ready to invest selflessly into growing him economically, socially as well as emotionally. This is because relationship is like an investment. You get the equity commensurate with the type and quality of investment put in.

If you are willing to be patient, tolerant, selfless, and focused, you will get the right man to marry you.

Good luck.

I’m Too Shy Discussing With A Lady

Dear Agatha,

I really need your help to get married. I am the first son of my family and they are putting pressure on me to get married soon. I don’t know what to say to a lady. I want to have a relationship now that I am passing through this phase in my life to help me determine who truly cares for me.

Shy Man.

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Dear Shy Man,

There are no hard and fast rules on the proper way to approach a lady but one mistake you must never do is to tell a woman you are just meeting for the first time that you love her. For a serious minded woman, it portrays the man as shallow, unserious and without a focus in life. It is a great turn-off for a woman looking for a serious minded man.

Most women aren’t impressed with a man who says such things to her because it also makes her appear cheap and frivolous.

Once you are able to avoid that mistake many men are making, you may not find it too difficult to talk to a woman as a friend. Offer a woman friendship on your first contact, tell her there is something natural about her that makes you want to be her friend, nothing more.

As friends, you have the rare opportunity of observing each other and taking mental notes of things you like and don’t as well as those things you can cope and can’t tolerate.

Friendship makes it absolutely easy for two people to talk about themselves frankly since true friends are not known to keep secrets from the other.

Also desist from trying to impress. Let the object of your desire see you for who you are by being your natural self. This way you help breach the gap of resistance women put up when they are being approached for a relationship.

Speak in the tongue you are accustomed to, the quality of English you speak everyday as well as the intelligence you have. There is no better combination that beats being natural and confident as a man.

Good luck.