Can’t Guys Let My Virginity Be Till Wedding Night?

Dear Agatha,

I must thank you for solving people’s problems. More grease to your elbow. I hope you would help me out as well. I am about 20 years in love but I can’t stay in a relationship for too long.

This is not because I don’t like the guys I go out with, but they all want sex before marriage, something I am not prepared to handle for now. At my age, I don’t think I can handle being pregnant and the attendant problems of fending and caring for a child. I have had to break up with so many guys because of sex, but still they won't let me be. I've never slept with a man before. Interestingly none of them want me for myself. They all want to have sex with me. It got to a frustrating point, I thought of the internet option since the man I’ll go out with on the internet would not see me until the point we decide to marry.

Agatha. I don't know how to meet a man who would want to start a relationship with me without demanding for sex, someone who would wait till our wedding night, right now I feel guys are birds of a feather.

Flora.

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Dear Flora.

Not all men are like the ones you have met so far. There are a lot of men who are still purist in nature. These men belief marital vows should not be pre-empted in anyway. With more churches, health and social organisations preaching abstinence among youths and dating couples, a lot of men are beginning to accept the wisdom of developing a relationship with a woman without pressuring her for sex.

It is just that you have been meeting and dating the wrong guys. To avoid all these unnecessary pressures, it’s best you spell out your stance on premarital sex before agreeing to a relationship. From the very first day you meet a man who likes you, best to make it clear from the beginning that you are not into premarital sex. Don’t keep quiet over the matter to give him the chance to either stay or go.

When a woman keeps quiet about it from the onset, it is only natural for the man to assume the woman has no objection to premarital sex. But if from the onset a man knows what he is getting into, that the woman is not interested in having premarital sex until married, he has a choice from the beginning of commencing with the relationship or finding another woman who has no inhibitions to premarital sex.

To go on the internet to source for a dating partner is a defeatist attitude. As a woman, the responsibility of dictating the moral quality of the relationship is yours. For how long are you going to hide behind the anonymity of the internet? It is a challenge you have to meet squarely. It is the first step towards being responsible and your own person. If the men cannot cope with the standards you have set for yourself, let them go. Somewhere in this world there is a man specifically meant for you who would appreciate you all the more for preserving yourself for him. Don’t succumb to pressure from the men who are merely passing through your life to have sex with them. The man that loves you would gladly wait till your wedding night to have sex with you.

With prayers and absolute reliance on God, that special man would come soon. For now concentrate on etching a prestigious place for yourself in life.

Good luck.

I Need Divorce To Reunite With My First Love

Dear Agatha,

I have a big problem that has to do with my home.

I got married seven years ago and blessed with a son. Before I got married, I was dating my childhood friend. We courted for over seven years, but had a disagreement that led to our separation. Initially I thought it was an issue we could settle but we just couldn’t. It had to do with another girlfriend of his whose existence I discovered when I came back from school. Before I realised what was happening and my mistake, she was pregnant for him. Since there was nothing I could do about the situation, I allowed them be.

They got married even before me. I later married another guy because I really did not have any other choice.

And because I still loved my former boyfriend, I found it difficult to open my heart to my real husband. I often find myself thinking a lot about my former boyfriend so much so I find myself imagining being with him anytime I am with my husband. Fortunately, I have learnt to cope even though it is very difficult.

However, something happened two years ago, which shattered the fragile wall I have strived to build around my marriage. It was a simple matter of discussing with him on the phone and since then I have not been myself. I find myself always thinking of him, unable to tolerate the situation any more. I was forced to call him to tell him about my plight and how my feelings for him have refused to go. He said we should meet at one of the cafes in town to discuss. When I got there, we discussed, and he suggested we continue the relationship. He even promised to marry me. He said he still loved me. I told him to give me time to think about it.

My problem now is that, I am truly in love with this guy. My heart has refused to accept anyone else. Even right now, I don’t even have any feelings for my husband again. No emotional feelings. And this problem is affecting me at home generally. Please I will be very grateful if you can advise me on what to do because I really love him like when we started 18 years ago. Right now, I can’t think of anything else except his thoughts.

He said the only obstacle to his marrying me is my husband since I am still living with him. How do we do it? I told my husband since last year of my decision to quit the marriage when I discovered that we weren’t compatible. My conscience is, however, disturbing me at the turn of things.

Please help me.

Basirat.

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Dear Basirat.

What on earth are you doing to yourself? First, you married a man out of a rebound. Now you want to go back to the same man that did not only ditch you for another girl but also married her without caring for your feelings or the relationship you both had.

You brought this predicament onto yourself. Simply because your ex ditched you, you didn’t bother to heal, think properly before plunging into another relationship and marrying the man. You acted unfairly and unwisely. Unfairly, because you knew you didn’t love this man yet you led him into marriage to get back at your ex who got married to his pregnant girlfriend. Marriage is not an institution one goes into with the type of motive you had when you married your husband. In your selfishness, have you thought of the pains you are subjecting the man and your son to? Do you think he deserves the type of treatment you are giving him and the shock of leaving him for another man?

Have you also thought of the consequences of your action on that poor child?

Besides, what makes you so certain this man, also married, is willing to leave his wife for you? What gives you the impression that he is going to be faithful to you? A man, who exhibited no qualms walking away from you the first time, and is giving the impression that he cares no hoot leaving his marriage for you, is definitely not one any sensible woman would leave the security of her home for. Like tap, this man is capable of switching on and off his feelings without consideration for your feelings at all when you might have given up everything up for him.

You are unhappy because you refused to give this marriage a chance from the beginning. Going by your disposition to this man and your marriage, there is nothing this man would ever do that would be right in your eyes. Not only have you made up your mind to be unhappy with him but have decided from the very beginning to set yourself up for failure with any other man besides your first love.

In his shoes, how would you feel if he were the one treating you with so much indifference and difficulties?

You may not know it yet, but a time would come when you would have wished you didn’t treat this man with so much disdain and indifference.

Even if you want to leave him, ensure it is not for these reasons you are touting. Let the reasons be something you can defend any day. To leave your home for the arms of a man who is also married and who didn’t think anything of hurting you when you had no complications in your life is wrong.

Though the final choice is yours to make, allow the spirit of God to guide you properly, else you end with more regrets than you can cope with.

Good luck.

He Loves, But Two Others Bother Me

Dear Agatha,

I will be 26 in December and into my first relationship. It is about a year and six months old. He is 37 years old. He claims to love me and from his way of attitude I think he does. I equally love him too.

After the first time we had sex, I refused him the privilege because I never considered sleeping with a man before marriage but it happened without my planning for it.

Whenever we are together, he talks about us getting married one day. Besides, he shows interest in my family matters even though he tries not to make this obvious.

But he has no money. I vowed never to double date any man. Despite my avowed decision, I am beginning to consider two other men that have indicated interest in me. I don’t know how serious they are and have informed my boyfriend of my intention to end our relationship to give me the opportunity of studying these two men with a view of knowing who among them is most suitable for me.

To my surprise, he simply took what I said out of content. He blames my decision on his financial status, saying he won’t stop me from going because he lacks money now to get married.

But he still kept coming, prompting me to ask days later why he still bothers to come. I made him understand that his coming to my house gives the impression that we are still together.

Agatha, to be frank, I still love this guy, but don’t know how serious he is to avoid heartbreak from any man. I don’t ever want to experience it.

My question now is, do I leave him to give these new men a chance in my life? I am the same lady who wrote to you concerning her body odour. He is the same guy who has stood by me.

Joy.

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Dear Joy,

Nothing is wrong with this man but a lot seems to be wrong with you. From all that you have said, you don’t even know what love is let alone to share it with someone.

Until you make up your mind about what you want, you will continue to suffer inconsistencies in your life. You must have the confidence in your own person to be able to move forward in life.

To look for alternatives for this man, you must be convinced he is the right man for you. He must have done something wrong for you to come to the conclusion. The issue now is what has he done to make you terminate the relationship without considering everything you both shared in the last 18 months or the sacrifices he has made for you? If he has money would you still consider him inadequate for you? Is one of your reasons for looking outside him not because of his lack of money?

What assurances do you have, for that matter, that either of these men just coming into your life would make you happy? Would they be able to tolerate things about you that this boyfriend of yours has done? How long do you plan to date each of these men before you get the information you want from them? How do you propose to space out your time between these men or keep the other one interested while you sample the other?

And if the relationships don’t work out, how do you plan to re-engineer the interest of your former boyfriend?

There is nothing any of these men can do for you. The major task of your challenge lies on your shoulders. You must learn to be very honest with yourself instead of fishing for excuses where none exists. The truth is that you think these other men are more financially stable than your current boyfriend hence the attraction to them, to see which of them has more financial muscles to help you. You may indeed have feelings for this man but lack the patience and perseverance to stay with him to help him get to where you wished the man in your life should be.

Your major challenge is lack of truth. It will continue to be a problem until you have the boldness to confront yourself and stop the pretensions of having a principled stance when you really don’t. Be the person you are meant to be and stop playing God in your own life.

Furthermore, have a dream because that is the only way you can have a vision of who and what you are. You must have a vision of where you want to be at a particular time as well as the type of persons that will help you achieve it.

Having dated this man for 18 months, where do you place him in your vision of you? Do you think he has what you want in a man?

This has nothing to do with money like you seem to think.

You will only be happy if you learn how to do things right.

Lean more on God for His help.

Good luck.

Pressure On Me To Ascertain If We’re Sexually Compatible

Dear Agatha.

I just want to start by thanking you for the great work you have been doing in people’s lives. In fact God will bless you in millionfold.

Agatha. I am a 35-year-old man, planning marriage but I am very scared about what people are saying about the institution as well as the experiences of others.

I know the Bible forbids sex out of wedlock so the place the problem comes in now is that friends keep telling me to have sex with my partner before marriage because I need to know if we can both get the desired sexual fulfillment being with each other. These friends say if l don’t have sex with her now, how would I be able to ascertain our sexual compatibility.

They spice their argument with vivid examples of women and men who go outside their homes to find sexual fulfillments because they don’t get the satisfaction they expect from their legitimate partners.

Is it also true that some women find it difficult to accommodate certain men in their bodies because of the sheer size of their male organs? Please I really want to be educated. These friends go further to tell me such ladies go outside to find other partners whose organs are normal. They also say the same case of unsuitability would occur if the organ is too small.

It is against this background they are pressuring me to go all the way with my woman before taking her to the altar.

Agatha, I am actually considering doing it because of the reasons they have advanced. I feel convinced by their reasons. Could you please help me on what to do? I am really confused now and I don’t want to have a broken home in future

Jay.

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Dear Jay,

I am very familiar with the various logics your friends have propounded to put you into the web of confusion you are now in.

I equally agree that what is happening in our society and the world over make such a proposition sound like the ideal thing, more so as men and women of God are also engaged in the practice.

First, let’s get one thing out of the way. What do you expect from marriage in particular and the woman in general? Are you looking for a marriage where the only staying force is sex? If that is what you are looking for then you would allow your friends to persuade you to go on sexual experiment with all the women that come your way until you get the one whose sexual prowess would meet the different standards outlined by your friends.

But if you are looking for a wholesome marriage where every bit complements the other perfectly to produce a happy home, you would be careful to listen to what your friends are saying.

Have you stopped to wonder why your friends’ only concern is on the sexual aspect of your relationship? How come they are not talking about friendship, mutual respect, commitment, emotional compatibility, the fear of God, sense of rightness and responsibility, good home keeping and the discipline of the woman to stand by you through thick and thin? Would you rather have a woman who scores an “A +” in sexual prowess but a dismal failure in other areas that make a man and home happy? What those friends either failed to tell you or are ignorant of, is that many marriages are experiencing problems because a lot of attention went into finding the right bedmate to the exclusion of other qualities that make for a perfect marriage.

No matter how perfect a woman is in the bedroom, if she is the disrespectful type, dirty, lacking in proper homemaking, lazy, uncaring and lacks understanding of her husband’s persons and dreams. What would be your joy as the husband? The truth is, sex is not the major reason we marry. There are other contending needs to be met. Those are things no amount or frequency of sex can make up for. Because most people are daily basing their marriages on the wrong reasons is one of the major causes and stories of incidents of infidelity. A lot of men and women are into extramarital affairs to get care, attention, respect and understanding they are not getting from their partners. The marriage institution is more about those other areas we ignore than sex.

Besides, a time comes in the life of every person when sex loses its lure and magnet, when it ceases to be important. Even if you are able to tolerate each other to that point, what happens when that comes, when friendship would be needed to sustain the relationship? That is why marriages that have lasted for more than two decades are breaking up because the couples can no longer communicate efficiently in the only way they know how, the bedroom.

But if your preferences are friendship and other more enduring qualities, no matter what happens, you would always find other reasons to stay happily together.

On the issue of the size of a male organ, again, it depends on how deep your friendship is and need of each other. When you love someone in that unselfish and happy way, God wants a couple to love, finding a way out of a very difficult situation is very easy and fun.

Besides, the woman’s body is structured in such a way that it can fit nicely around the size of her man. The quality of tenderness and case that accompany the act is what makes the major difference. When a couple understands each other and willing to help the other overcome his or her challenges, the session comes out wonderfully well while another couple would end up being dissatisfied due to impatience and lack of understanding.

What it boils down to is care and selfless love laced with plenty of friendship and patience.

At 35, you are more than old enough to know what is most important to you to be influenced by what your friends say. Don’t compromise on what you have always held sacred because some people somewhere think it is a bit old fashioned. If this woman you plan to marry reminds you in her every action and utterance that you are her crown and head, the man she has given her body and soul, please treasure her. Even if she at first does not meet your sexual fantasy, teach and mould her to be your personal sex siren. With love and care, you can make the unexpected happen. The truth is when a woman isn’t living up to expectation in the bedroom, look at the quality of the man’s lovemaking. A man who is good would do anything to help his partner overcome her inhibitions.

When next such friends come, explore your Bible for the right answers and solutions because being familiar with the ways and words of God is the only way to avoid making a regrettable mistake.

Good luck.

My New Wife Maltreats My Daughter

Dear Agatha,

I lost my first wife eight years ago to childbirth and since then I have struggled with the help of my late mother to raise our only child. She actually died precisely a year after our wedding.

It was devastating because she and I dated for close to six years before we finally decided to get married.

The pain of losing her at first made me reject the child until my mother’s death forced me to take the child. At the time my mother died three years ago, I had gotten over the death of my wife considerably and could afford to have my daughter around me. Although she still looked like her mother but the memories were getting more positive and not those dreadful pains of those early dark days.

Since bringing her to stay with me, the task of looking after her has taken so much of my time and frankly I cannot enforce the discipline she needs at this stage of her life to remain the good girl my mother brought her up to be. My only sister, who would have taken her in lives in Australia with her family.

Last year, I had to reconsider my stance on not marrying again. I remarried only to discover that she is a mean woman, who starves my daughter and makes her do all the housework when I am out.

Although my neighbours are all aware of what is going on in my house, nobody including my daughter, told me anything.

I only got to know when I came back from a trip to Ghana unexpectedly to discover my daughter didn’t go to school, hadn’t eaten because she had chores to do. My wife who had gone to work left clothes she was to have taken to the dry cleaners for my daughter to wash including bed-sheets and curtains.

My outrage forced my neighbours and my daughter to open up to me. For the five days I was away, she hadn’t gone to school and my wife warned my daughter it would be the end of her if I ever found out what was happening during my absence.

When she came back and met me at home; she was shocked and began to cry for forgiveness claiming my love for my daughter and the memories of late wife is why she is punishing the girl.

She says she is jealous of my daughter and wants her to fail in her studies.

My fear now is she is capable of hurting the child if I am not around to protect this girl. Although she promised to change, what I witnessed and found out shows she is capable of doing anything.

Beyond her attitude is the realisation that I made a serious mistake marrying her. We don’t have anything in common. I married her under native laws and customs two months after I met her due to all the pressures around me.

What do you suggest I do because I simply cannot continue to live with her again?

Please help me.

Delaja.

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Dear Delaja,

For the time being there may be the need for you to look for a school with good boarding facility for your daughter. There is no way she can grow healthily under the current conditions she finds herself.

Even if your wife sticks to her promise to change, there is the issue of the physiological that has been created by her careless handling of your daughter. She has murdered trust by her wickedness to this innocent mind. It will take almost forever for her to undo the harm she has done to this child. Don’t forget your daughter’s heart is still tender and fragile. Not having you in her early life, not understanding why she doesn’t have a mother like all the other children, just coming to accept that her mother died giving birth to her and will never be available to her, losing the warmth of her grandmother and the only mother she knows are enough daunting challenges for someone so young.

To add a wicked stepmother is more than this young girl can manage. Sending her to a boarding school may not be the best choice but under these circumstances, it is better. She has to be free to discover who she is, free to find the warmth of trusting friends in addition to freedom to be herself.

This is a very delicate stage for her, a stage in which she has to build her self-confidence, begin the process of building her dreams and finding her rhythm in life. She needs the freedom to be happy in an atmosphere that is enveloped in love and tender care.

There are very good boarding houses. It may not satisfy you absolutely at least you and your child will have the peace of mind knowing she is in good hands. This is until you and your wife are able to sort out your personal issues.

Doubtless, her absence will give your wife the much needed room to establish herself in your home without the constant reminder that she is being used to care for another woman’s child or that you don’t love her at all.

While not justifying her attitude, some of them may have been brought about by your own attitude towards her. Since coming into your life, what assurances have you given her that you intend this marriage to work and she is not just a piece of furniture in your life?

Jealousy is a dreadful feeling. It could turn an otherwise good-natured person into something else, especially a woman who craves the attention of her husband but isn’t getting it. It could be very frustrating and discouraging. This is why she may be taking it out on your daughter knowing that it is the only way she could hurt you as much as your indifference to her is hurting her.

It is imperative both of you sit down to discuss. Divorce is usually not the first option but the last and that is when everything else fails. Granted, she has made a mistake but if she says she is sorry, let the matter rest and give her the chance to demonstrate what she has said.

Like I said, jealousy can bring out the beast in even an angel if the person isn’t strong enough to resist it. Use the opportunity provided by the absence of your daughter to properly woo her as a woman. Get to know her and give her the opportunity to know you too. Let her understand beyond looking for a mother figure for your daughter, you also desire a wife, sister, partner and above all your best friend. Begin the courtship you both didn’t have now by taking her to places you would have loved to visit with a woman you are dating. Romance is the cure for jealousy and depression. Once she has the confidence in your love, is secured in your heart, she would have the space to extend part of it to your daughter. For now she doesn’t have love in her own life hence lacks anything to give to your daughter. Something comes from something.

Develop the patience as well as understanding for her to make her mistakes as a human being; one which she has already made and also learn to forgive her.

The danger of not allowing this incident die a natural death is the danger it would present to your daughter later in life especially when she starts having children of her own. It is very easy for her to pass on the poison of hatred to her own children; your daughter being the only one will never be able to enjoy the love and warmth of her father and home like she would have loved to.

Whereas, if you allow this woman forget her mistake, she will find it in her heart someday to embrace your daughter without any trace of jealousy or bitterness.

You can only talk about divorce if she refuses to change and continues to treat your daughter terribly.

Above all, both of you should develop a strong prayer life because a home where God rules doesn’t suffer hatred or jealousies.

Good luck.

Memory Of Serial Sexual Abuses Haunt Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 16 years of age and have been suffered serial sexual abuses. My parents are unaware of these abuses. The only person in the family who is in the know is my cousin.

I have been able to put this ugly past behind me until I was almost raped by my friend. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hurting any man I met to avenge what men have done to me irrespective of who they are or feel for me. I feel so terrible. Please help me.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

At 16 you are far too young to have tasted what you have gone through as well as harbour this amount of hatred and negative feelings inside of you.

I am worried because these experiences if not properly handled will destroy you as the years roll by. That you have made up your mind to even the score show the presence of a psychological trauma. You need urgently to talk to someone, to hold the child that has been lost inside of you, a voice to give you hope and help you look at life and men from a different perspective.

It is unfortunate that your parents are unaware of what is happening to you and the lack of someone within the family whose shoulders and ears you need the most now to survive this dangerous phase of your life.

If there is any way you can come to our office, please don’t hesitate to come so we can have a mother and daughter discussion. So, many questions are hanging from your letter. In the first instance, who are these men or man that violated you? How did it all start? Where were you first abused? Can you remember how it all happened and the feelings you felt afterwards? Are these men still present in your life? In what ways do you think your parents are responsible? Do you think they could have done anything to prevent it or their attitude contributed to this situation in your life? Do you consider yourself responsible for all these, blame yourself that you are doing something wrong or think men are all brutes?

These are questions you must have to answer to be able to put the situation behind you. Your friend’s attitude only brought back an issue that has not really died in your heart. What you have done is simply to lock away the problem, not to surf through it with a view of trashing the dustbin.

You need, through the help of others, to come to terms with what happened to you. The essence is to help you examine things to avoid now and later in life, the tell tale signs of when a man has more than a passing interest in your body as well as the mannerism men put up when they are on excessive and uncontrollable heat.

At what point did this friend of yours attempt raping you? Where were both of you and how much of a friend has he been?

Like I said, it is important you and I talk. If you are not in Lagos, send me a text so I can call you.

In the meantime, don’t put yourself in any compromising position or situation that would give any man the power to influence you for his selfish end. This means avoid being alone with a man in a secluded place.

The bad thing about revenge missions like this is the self-destruction that takes place at the end of the day. Being a woman, you will be the one to suffer the most, not the men who would gladly have your body. The consequences aren’t usually as severe on them except when they come down with sexually transmitted diseases.

It is the woman’s biological functions nature that has the higher risk factors.

For the sake of the future you hope to have some day with that real man who despite your past would love and cherish you.

God will see you through.

Good luck.

After He Tricked Me To Pluck My Flower…

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in ‘Daily Independent’ Newspaper I have made it my daily guidance.

I am a 22-year-old lady who has been struggling for sometime now with the Joint Admission and Matriculation Examinations (JAMB). I am currently employed on a monthly salary of N13, 000. Unfortunately I fell into relationship with a guy, who promised to marry me from the first time we met if I am able to get admission into the university.

He actually promised we would marry either in my first or second year. I used to sing in the church and participate in different activities in the church but couldn’t continue when I met this guy. The first time he asked me to visit him at home demanded to have sex with me.

I explained to him that yielding to his request would become a hindrance to my God and me. But he assured me that since we were in love and going to be married it wasn’t a problem. So I agreed to have sex with him.

Severally, I told him if he knew he was going to disappoint me, we should stop having sex but he kept assuring me that we would end up married. He promised to come and see my parents.

To my surprise, he came to my house recently to call off the relationship. According to him, he decided to call off the relationship because it was taking us nowhere and that he has made up his mind to treat me like his sister.

According to him, he has become a born again.

Agatha, advise me on what to do now that he has defiled me and cheated on me. I promise not to forgive him for the rest of my life. When I asked about myself, he said is it a crime for him to come and tell me what he has in his mind? Please I’m hurt right now I can do anything that will harm him because of the pain he gave to my life.

Disappointed Lady.

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Dear Disappointed Lady,

Don’t allow what he did to you make you do something you will forever regret. Life is too short and delicate to be so wasted. Allow the past to rest where it belongs.

But if the truth must be told, he didn’t do it alone, everything he did was with your consent. You were the one who failed yourself, not the man who made false promises to you.

From the very beginning this man gave you clues into his person but you didn’t bother to examine them. He told you from the beginning you both met that he would only marry you if you gained admission into the university but you still allowed yourself to be persuaded by him to have access into your body. You gave in to him because you also desired sex. He didn’t force you into it. You had a choice to insist you won’t do it but because you didn’t want to lose him as well as a deeply rooted desire to have knowledge of sex, you allowed yourself to be persuaded by him. Your hatred would have been understandable if he raped you. He didn’t only played on your weakness as a woman. It is the right of the men to come with numerous promises because they know most women want to hear that, while it is the prerogative of the woman to either accept or reject. In your case, you elected to accept. So it would be unfair to heap the blame of this whole thing on his head alone. Admit to your own folly in this matter, it is the only way you can bury this episode with the maturity it deserves behind you once and for all.

Were you smart enough, you too would have told him to wait for you to gain admission into the university before agreeing to sleep with him since that was the same condition he gave you. If a university education is what qualifies you to become his wife, you should have also insisted that he could only have sex with you when you become an undergraduate.

He didn’t hide his double standards from you at all but you were too carried away by your own emotions and needs to think straight.

Rather than blame him for your failure to be faithful to God and enforce your own rules, blame yourself for the weakness of the flesh because a man can promise or say anything to get his way with the woman, it is the woman’s business to resist as well as interpret her own happiness.

Were you really committed to God, you will never have allowed this man persuade you against betraying your position in the church. You would have continued in your work while setting the pace for him to follow. Being your own gatekeeper, the man didn’t gate crash. You gave him of your freewill chose to believe everything he told you without questioning his motives. You weren’t sincere to God so can you expect this man to be sincere to you? You put him above the God you were working for and serving. Sincerely, there is nothing you can do about what happened between the two of you. Bitter as it is, let go of the memories. To continue to hold on to them is to cause yourself further pains, which may lead you into doing something stupid. Believe me, you don’t have the patent for this type of pains or disappointments. Women before you have suffered the same things and uncountable number of women after you will still suffer from it. It is the cycle of life. We have to lose something to gain something provided we are willing to subject ourselves to the lesson of experience.

Now you know what to believe and what not and everything you should never allow to happen in your next relationship. This is not to say you shouldn’t trust your next man but that you should be as wise as the serpent to stay focused in a relationship.
The truth is that relationship is unavoidable, but know your limits until you are licensed to do everything a woman and a man can do together as a couple.

To avoid making more complicating mistakes in your life, don’t rush into any relationship for now. Give yourself enough time to heal and to have a clearer picture of your vision as young woman. Once that is done, it would be easier for you to set priorities and stick to them without difficulties.

Good luck.

She Dreams What I Consider Immature

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age. All the three relationships I have had never last beyond one year. All the women seem interested in is marriage only. They demand for marriage, I can’t promise them since I am only 21 years of age.

Besides, I feel that there is a difference between seeking a wife and friendship.

There is this girl I met on phone. We have known each other for a year now. Before we started, I told her about my past relationships. She therefore promised never to make the same mistake.

But last week her aunty and mother called me. I was too angry that I had to cut them off. I know I have hurt her, though I still love her, but she’s too forward. She seems not to understand that I am not ready for the type of commitment she is looking for now. She thinks I am a devil’s incarnate.

Victor.

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Dear Victor,

No matter how frustrated or irritated you were by the antics of your girlfriend, you shouldn’t have terminated the calls of her mother and aunty in such a rude manner. In the first place, you didn’t know why they called you or what they wanted. To assume they called you to discuss is rather presumptuous.

The fact that all the girls you have dated so far end up having the same problems with you shows that your problem is that of choice. What kind of girls are you dating? What are the similarities between all these girls? What are their age groups? What impression do you give them of yourself?

There is no way you would keep experiencing the same problem in all your relationships without you being a major factor. So look at your own mistakes. Can you recall anything you are doing wrong? Promises you are making which are giving these ladies the wrong impressions of you?

I am sure if you are honest, you will come to appreciate that just like love, it also takes two to create a problem in a relationship.

Yes, be my girlfriend is different from be my wife. This is the point most girls get it all wrong, but men must also understand that when they insist the girlfriend plays the role of a wife, they give the woman the room to dream big.

When the first thing a man demands from the woman he knows he has no intentions of marrying is free access to her body, there is nothing stopping that woman from wanting to be a wife since she is good enough to grace the man’s bed.

This is the complication most men bring on themselves and which I am sure is the reason all these girls are dreaming of becoming your wife.

If you are matured enough to sleep with them, you should be matured enough to handle the natural progress that comes from a man and woman having sex.

If you eliminate sex from the beginning of your relationships with these girls, they won’t make the mistake of expecting you to give the type of commitment you are not ready to offer.

Good luck.

She Harps On Reasons We Can’t Get Married

Dear Agatha,

I want to say a big thank you for the good job you are doing and the positive impact you are having on the numerous readers of your column. I can only pray that God will continue to bless you with more wisdom as well as strength to continue in your selfless service to humanity.

The problem confronting me has to do with my four-year-old relationship. I desired to marry my fiancée but things took a different turn when I suggested we stopped making love until we got married.

I expected her to be happy and support my suggestion but instead, she objected. She insisted it wasn’t right for me to take that decision all alone. She didn’t stop there. She also questioned my motive for such a decision.

To cap it all, she decided to terminate the relationship. She said she has found someone else that God says we are not meant for each other and so many things, I can’t repeat here.

Because of my love for her, I pleaded with her not to leave me and even went to the extent of sending my friends to beg her. She agreed to come back to me on the condition that we would resume lovemaking. I agreed and things were normal between us for two months after which she came up to say she is not happy, that she came back thinking that we could achieve the type of happiness we had before the break. She also said her father would not support our union.

Agatha, I do not understand her. I do not know whether my current state of unemployment is responsible for her behaviour. I plan to travel soon to either United Kingdom or Japan and come back to marry her. What do I do? Should I quit or continue? I am really tired of her behaviour. I have not dated any girl for the past four years since I started dating her. I have been faithful to her and I know she too has been faithful to me. She even told me she no longer has feelings for me. What she is doing to me is really painful. Please tell me what to do?

Chris.

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Dear Chris,

It is clear she no longer enjoys your company. You cannot continue to force her to feel what she no longer feels for you. It would only make you both unhappy and unfulfilled at the end of the day.

Hurtful as her attitude is, you should really be grateful she is not one of those girls that delight in two timings. No matter what her other faults are, at least she is very honest about her feelings.

If she didn’t complain about your lack of job all these while, it may not be the immediate reason she is behaving this way. Though could be a remote one.

Your decision to stop having sex with her threw up a lot of hidden problems that were hitherto buried in your relationship. First is the issue of sex. It is very apparent both of you don’t have same ideologies to life. While you appreciate, though belatedly, that sex is not necessary in a premarital relationship, she does not subscribe to such impression. She is one of the girls who thinks sex can he enjoyed at any point in time.

Your decision not to have sex any longer with her without first discussing your reasons before coming to a conclusion may also be a reason she is putting up this behaviour. Granted, your motives are commendable and gallant, but you forgot to carry her along in your decision thus failing to win her support for your intention. If you both had agreed from the very beginning to stay off sex, she wouldn’t have felt betrayed by your unilateral decision to change the game pattern. Try imaging she is the one changing the rules midway into the game, how would you feel?

Keeping and nurturing a relationship is one of the most complex things in life. What one party conceives as being in the interest of the other often turns out to be a big problem if not done with wisdom. Ordinarily she should commend you for the decision to discontinue sexual relationship with her until she becomes your wife. For respecting her enough to realise sex outside marriage is cheap and cheapens the woman most of all and for showing her that you do not need sex to demonstrate your love for her.

But she is not. Your good intention has turned soured and become a threat to your once wonderful relationship simply because you went about it wrongly. The inherent lesson here is to communicate and discuss your every thought with your partner, obtain his or her support before arriving at a conclusion. To assume the other would be smitten over with what in one of the party’s opinion is a wonderful decision is very wrong. This omission is the reason many relationships are running into muddy waters. Communication and dialogue are integral to conducting a successful relationship. Nobody likes to be taken for granted or played as inconsequential in any partnership. On this premise, you were really wrong and presumptuous to think she would jump at your decision. It smacks of arrogance.

Since she has refused to reason with you and has gone to say her father would never support your union, see this development as one of those divinely planned interventions intended to protect us from future pains and disappointments.

A woman or man who has dissimilar visions from that of his or her partner is best left to find another partner whose vision matches his or hers. You may temporarily feel pain and a sense of bereavement at the death of those dreams you hoped to share with her but look at the positive side, a chance to start all over again with a woman who would make you very happy and more importantly who shares your dream.

It could also emanate from your inability or refusal to get a job. She may be opposed to the idea of you travelling or does not see any viability in it. This coupled with your decision not to have sex with her may have brought to the fore her most hidden fears that she may completely lose your love if you travel out. She, like some women think men stay most faithful to women whom they are sexually committed to.

To avoid having similar problem in any new relationship, be direct and honest with the woman from the beginning. Share all your plans and dreams with her from the day you decide to go out with her. No matter how laudable an intention may be, don’t change the goalpost at the middle of the game without first discussing the reasons and need for it with your partner. Many people react with offence to being taken for granted in that manner. I am sure you too would react to being taken for granted in the manner you assumed she would celebrate your decision to discontinue sex with her.

To avoid being branded as an unserious man, don’t tarry too much on taking a definite decision on what you want in life. If travelling out is what you want, do so immediately or get a job and give yourself the necessary push that would elicit respect from that special woman in your life. No lady wants a man who seems unserious with his life.

However, be grateful to God for His mercies for allowing this to happen now instead of later when the pains of separation would be deeper and most painful to cope with.

Good luck.

Before His Slow Action In Bed Forces Me Out…

Dear Agatha,

I got married three years ago after two-year of courtship. We didn’t attempt to make love during our courtship because of religious persuasion. My husband, a trainee pastor and I, the head of the choir of the church wanted to be of good behaviour and provide the right leadership for the youths in the church.

Although, nobody would have known if we had stolen moments of ecstasy but I felt it didn’t worth the bother. Even though I wasn’t a virgin, having experienced the pleasure of having sex from previous relationships, I decided to stop all that when I gave my life to Christ.

It wasn’t easy combining my banking job with heading the choir. I nevertheless squeezed time out of none to serve God.

For me, it was fulfilling and wonderful. So when this man approached me for a relationship, I had no inhibitions saying yes because I had also studied him. He was not going to be a full time pastor. An engineer and a staffer of a beverage company, his future was bright, one condition I always considered before saying yes to a man.

Being a Christian didn’t change that side of me because coming from a very humble background, I didn’t want my children to go through the harrowing experiences of struggling as I did on my own to get education. I hawked, worked to pay my bills since my mother just couldn’t afford to feed us, let alone send us to school.

It was during one of those hawking trips that I got deflowered by one of my customers. He raped me but that experience was not enough to deter me from getting to my goals.

It was a very horrible experience, one that I don’t wish for my worst enemy.

The relationship got the blessing of the church leadership, though not without some pockets of opposition from some quarters. I got to know later that he had told one of the ladies, also a member of the choir that he liked her. They had not gone far when I came along and we started dating. The lady eventually resigned from the choir when it became obvious that she couldn’t have him. But before she left, she told a friend of mine that my man can’t perform in bed, that his manhood was virtually none existent.

I dismissed this on the grounds that she was jealous. When I mentioned it to my man, he also accused her of being a soured grape. Agatha, I wish I had listened. I discovered the truth on our wedding night. His manhood is so small that it cannot penetrate deeply. The size is like that of a little baby’s. To compound the problem, achieving erection for him is not easy. I have to try all the tricks I know to get him started. It has been frustrating living with a man and not having the fulfillment required of a woman.

While this is going on, members of his family have variously come to fight me for not being able to produce an heir for their only son. I have endured several insults from all of them, because they all think I am the problem.

My husband is not helping matters. He goes about as if this isn’t a problem. He doesn’t care and keeps telling me that God has a reason. And whenever I accuse him of being stingy with the truth before we got married, he would flare up and refuse to talk to me for days. Till date he has not given me any reason for his refusal to inform me of this handicap.

Agatha what reason? What wrong did I do that has made God visit me with this problem? For three years as a married woman, I haven’t made love. The few times we tried were very frustrating for fulfillment, I have to get him to stimulate me orally or do it myself. But that won’t produce babies and often does not produce the desired fulfillment.

The reason I am seeking your opinion is that my family wants me to quit. I had to confide in my mother, who was also becoming worried about my inability to produce a child. I am also not interested in the marriage again. I have endured for three years and simply cannot cope with the denial of emotional fulfillment much longer. I don’t want to offend my vows by starting a relationship but if the truth must be told. I doubt if I can resist it much longer.

Please tell me how to go about this? I want to quit as fast as possible.

Kate.

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Dear Kate,

It is a very serious problem because sex is very fundamental in a marriage. It is unfortunate that this is happening to both of you but throwing in the towel so soon isn’t a solution either.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not unmindful of the emotional sacrifices you have to put up with in this kind of situation, the denial and the attendant condemnation from people who are not in the know of what is happening.

There is still, however, the need for you to exercise caution in this matter.

First and foremost there is the need for you to call your husband and explain your feelings to him. Tell him exactly what you have told me, both your frustration and your desire to quit. Let him know the hurt and pains you feel whenever his people come to make trouble with you due to your seemingly inability to give them a grandchild. To get him to listen, anchor your presentation on your undying love for him. His refusal to discuss the matter may not be unconnected with a morbid fear of losing you. Guilt at not telling you and fear that you would pack up the marriage are the core reasons he is appearing indifferent. Deep down, he is more concerned about it than you can imagine. Your assurance of love should get him talking. Once you can get him to open up on the matter, it would be a lot easier to discuss the options open to both of you. For instance it is important to seek medical help on the matter.

Since he manages to achieve erection, my medical doctor consultant says, all hope is not lost. With the right medical attention and drugs, your husband could sustain longer period of erection. Do whatever you have to do to get him to seek medical help if he has never done so. Even if he has done that in the past, insist on seeing the specialist together.

Besides, size has nothing to do with a man’s performance drive or the health of his sperm. Once he is able to hold erection for longer period and expel healthy sperm, getting pregnant would not be a problem.

While foreplay adds excitement to lovemaking, don’t use it to replace the real thing no matter how frustrating and energy sapping the process is. Pretend it is not a problem in the marriage and regard the extensive foreplay as your special lovemaking menu. You would cope best with this problem if you keep the vows ‘for better for worse’ at the top of your mind. Regarding this period as the worst part of your marriage would help you to put it in its proper perspective.

If he were your brother or son would you abandon him?

Granted, he wronged you by withholding such important information from you, two wrongs do not make a right. Look past the betrayal and find ways of going beyond this point without halting the ship of your marriage.

Alternative herbal practitioners claim, with the help some herbs they can minimally increase the size of a man’s organ. Go to any leading herbal clinic for more information.

Furthermore, this is the time to challenge God in faith. Place your hand on him and call on God to make right what is wrong. God is still in the business of miracles. Both of you should come together to pray as a couple. It is the only way you can get over this problem as a family. Once there is an agreement between you spiritually and physically, the battle will be half won. Pray for mercy, patience, wisdom as well as faith to overcome this problem. With mercy and grace of God, you would overcome.

Good luck.

Any Sense Hooking Her Before She Goes For NYSC?

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for the way He is using you to advise and direct people to the right path in relationships and marriage issues.

I am in my 30s while my fiancée is 24 years of age. She wants to go for her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).

We have agreed to get married and I want to start marriage proceedings before she leaves for her service. What do you think?

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

There is nothing wrong provided both of you have discussed and agreed to it.

The only problem would be if she doesn’t support the idea now. The first thing you should do irrespective of whether or not you have both discussed the idea before now is to open up to her. Tell her of your desire to begin marriage rites before she leaves for her service year.

The worst mistake is to assume that because you want it immediately and because you have both expressed a wish to be together for the rest of your life, she also wants it now. Marriage is about two people wanting the same thing. Let her see from your conduct that you desire the marriage to be a balanced partnership of two persons, who love and respect each other not that of a boss/servant relationship.

It is also important you don’t give the impression that you want to rush the process, because deep down you are afraid she may change her mind. Trust is important to the survival of a relationship.

Once you have her full support, go ahead and do what you have in mind to give you the peace of mind that she is yours to keep.

Good luck.

My Brother Must Divorce Wife To Be Happy

Dear Agatha,

I don’t know what to make of my brother’s wife. She is always bossing everybody in the family around. She talks rudely to people because she is doing better than my brother. It is so bad; especially that she does it even in the public. She decides where they stay, the type of food he eats, often ignoring what he likes. Sometimes she doesn’t bother to come home, pleading tight official schedule.

Whenever her husband complains about how her work is affecting the family’s welfare, she tells him to choose between her being a full housewife or allowing her to continue to play her role as the major breadwinner in the family.

I have severally caught my brother lamenting his status and once actually crying. The children are also complaining but she bribes them with gifts and all that.

I have tried to caution her as well as point her at the emotional danger she is exposing her family to, but she won’t listen. She likes exhibition so much.

The issue now is that my brother has decided to seek a woman who would make him feel like a man. I mean a woman, who would respect his authority and appreciate him. As a matter of fact he has found the girl, and for the first time he is happy. He wants to marry her. What do you think? I am of the opinion he should divorce the other woman, not because I support divorce but essentially to preserve my brother’s life, whom I feel has a right to be happy despite being poor as his wife has branded him. What do you think?

Tolu.

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Dear Tolu,

Sincerely, don’t interfere. Your brother is man enough to take his decisions without your help. Nobody married his wife for him. He found her worthy of his love and attention hence decided to have her for keeps.

Whatever is happening in that home isn’t any business of yours. And you should by all means avoid being fingered as the reason the marriage failed. Your brother may have decided to look outside his home to protect his pride before you and other members of your family.

For now, it might be best if you allow both of them to sort their problems out. If he had tolerated her all these while despite her rudeness and other vices you illustrated, he should still continue to. With loving persuasions she would one day come to be the type of woman he desired.

To bring another woman into his life is to complicate the whole issue. He would never get the peace he desires in her or in the relationship and his life. The health problem you desire to protect him from would come in full force. What guarantees do you have that she would not be like his wife or even worse? What happens if she turns out to be another brash woman? Encourage him into another relationship?

If you love this brother of yours as you claim, tell him to discontinue that relationship and mend fences with his wife and family. Disagreements and disappointments are all part of the process of bonding a marriage.

You are still single and don’t know the type of marriage you would one day have. How would you feel if your sister-in-law turns around to be giving support to your husband to marry another wife on account of problem in your own marriage? Every marriage comes with its own peculiar cross. The cross of this marriage is for your brother to learn to manage the brashness of his wife.

The best you can do to for both of them is to commit their marriage to the care of God. Intercede for them through prayers and fasting. That, to me, is the best demonstration of love instead of aiding your brother to his early grave.

Continue to plead with your sister-in-law to change her ways. Overtime, she would come to appreciate your role and words of wisdom.

Having made up your mind to help build the marriage, ignore her rudeness and continue in your selfless task to help make this couple grow together.

Good luck.

He’s An Unrepentant Cheat

Dear Agatha,

I am a 23-year-old final year student in a relationship that has been on for three years now.

Last year, I found out that he has been cheating on me. I was devastated but agreed to continue with him after he promised never to do it again.

I later discovered he was an unrepentant cheat. I really made up my mind to leave him but changed when it looked as if he was really sorry.

You can therefore imagine my pains when for the third time, I discovered through a text message he sent to another girl expressing his desire to spend the night in her arms. The response of the girl shows that she thinks he is in love with her.

All these affected my love for him, but I am equally confused on how she can handle the situation.

Please help me.

Chidera.

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Dear Chidera,

It is obvious your boyfriend doesn’t understand what it means to be faithful to a woman. He belongs to the group of men who think life is about variety.

Sincerely, there is nothing you can do to change him unless he is ready for it. You either learn to accept him for who he is, or move on to a man who understands what sincerity means in a relationship.

In his own way he loves you but cannot help experimenting with other girls. To him, he is having fun, enjoying the freedom that comes with his gender and age. Until a man or woman resolves to settle down, the desire of his or her partner to ensure stability in a relationship, more often than not, destroys whatever chance they have to be happy together.

If you insist on him changing his ways now, he would continue to hurt you because despite the promises he makes to you to change, his heart isn’t set on completely settling down just yet. Mind you, this has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but a deep desire to explore the field while he still has the chance. The naked reality is that he may never have the sufficient will to remain faithful to any woman irrespective of what he feels for the special woman in his life.

Three years may be a long time but when you consider that a lifetime is involved should you continue this relationship, there is the need for you to sit down on your own to do an appraisal of your three years together.

To do a near thorough job, resist the urge to be too sentimental on account of his unfaithfulness. Doubtless, you are hurting now but learn to be very broadminded about this. For instance, should you leave him for another man, what are the guarantees that he would be faithful to you?

While not insisting you should put up with unfaithfulness, the truth of the matter is that every relationship has to define its happiness based on its strengths and limitations.

What is the strength of your relationship with him? Why has it lasted for three years? What do you find extra special about him that would make his faults appear irrelevant?

It is only when you take a broad overview of your relationship, vis-à-vis your dreams, visions and happiness that a decision would be easier for you to make.

Whatever you decide to do now must be one that will stand the test of time; one you will not regret making some few months down the road, one you will always be glad you had the guts to take.

You must find out what works for you especially to clear the cloud of confusion currently enveloping you. For instance, you must be able to answer the all important question of your place in his heart, now and in future. Once you have a clear answer to that, his adventures with these other girls may not be so painful or bothersome to you and the relationship at the end.

Believe me, this type of case has no clear-cut answer beyond what works for you.

Good luck.

He Wants Me In Bed Before Any Help

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age and a secondary school leaver. I want to further my study but can’t because my parents are poor.

A rich married man has offered to help on condition that I sleep with him.

I am confused. I don’t know what to do. Please advise me.

B.

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Dear B,

This isn’t help. Run as fast as your legs can carry you away from this man because he has only one point agenda, to destroy your life.

You are not a commercial sex worker. So why should you offer your body in exchange for his sponsoring your further studies? If he has no qualms betraying his wife, what makes you think after sleeping with you, he would keep his side of your bargain?

Besides, going to the university isn’t a day’s project. It takes at least four years, if there are no strikes or cult fracas for an average course to be completed. How often would he require you to sleep with him or give enough sexual compensation for him to help you through your study?

Do you plan to draw up a contract to that effect that once you sleep with him, he must keep his side of the bargain?

And how many men would you be able to sleep with? Because having the funds to further your study is just one of the many problems you would encounter at the tertiary institution. With the bug of corruption and ineptitude at its height in this country, how many lecturers would you have to sleep with to have a credit pass even when you know you have the brain to scale through?

Life is full of ups and down. Yes, this offer appears tempting, an answer to all your family’s financial predicaments, but at what cost to you?

What happens if you get pregnant? The best protection has been known to fail at very critical times, have you thought of the possibility? What responsible man would propose such an offer to a woman he has respect and feelings for? Were you his daughter would he encourage you to date a married man? This man is an opportunist. He wants to use the situation provided by your parent’s penury to abuse you; rob you of your pride as a woman.

Your parents may be poor, but that doesn’t mean you cannot make it in life without sleeping your way to success. Granted, the prospect of you furthering your study now looks bleak, but with patience and determination, you will one day get to your dreamland. Without you compromising yourself, what can you do on your own? If this man didn’t come with this offer, what other alternative do you have in mind? Being poor shouldn’t stop a determined mind from dreaming and making plans for the future.

What vision do you have for yourself? Your acceptance of his offer would depend very much on how much value you have placed on yourself.

Sleeping around may sound like a means to achieving your dream but in the long run, how proud would it make you feel as a woman? Your body is precious not to be feasted on by every man who comes your way. As you go along in life, you will discover many of his kind, men who think every woman has to exchange the pleasure of her body for something.

Once you begin it, there is no stopping you from doing it with another man because it would become, for you, an easy tool to getting what you want, but which would leave you the victim at the end of it all. Have you thought of what would happen if along the line, you end up destroying the chance of your happiness in future? As a woman, what is most important to you in life, when you are no longer young and attractive to men? It is the consequences of this time you should always consider when proposals like this are put before you, the time you wished you could live your life all over again.

If you don’t mind the attendant hardship and reactions of peers to taking on menial jobs to fund your way through school, it is the best option any day. Not only would it give you the ultimate satisfaction that you have what it takes to change your destiny for the best but your honour as a woman would remain unquestionable. If you must sleep with a man, it should be out of your own free will, something you are doing because your emotions are involved and not something you are doing because you feel helpless about the situation you find yourself.

Don’t be afraid or ashamed to sell pure water if the need arises to sponsor your way through school, rather than capitulate to the demands of this man.

If you trust God implicitly, He will always make ways for you and your parents. There are girls from families worse than yours but who didn’t compromise to be successful in life. Despite the moral decay in the society, success isn’t measured only by material things but also by the moral credentials of the person.

Good luck.

My Armpit Oozes Offensive Odour

Dear Agatha,

I am 22-year-old boy with odour in my armpit. I noticed it eight years ago while in school and active in sports then.

The problem has persisted and don’t know what to do about it.

I need your help.

Mark.

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Dear Mark,

It is almost normal at your age but you must begin to pay more attention to your personal hygiene because the presence of an odour is an indication that you aren’t doing certain things right. Sweat beads trapped in between hair in the armpit can give off bad odour if not properly washed and attended to.

Because most people sweat profusely under the armpit, chances of the place ever staying clean and odour-free is slim especially if one is the kind that sweats heavily as a result of high energy engagements like sports.

What you should do is to get into the habit of shaving off the hair under your armpit. There is nothing sexy or masculine about having hair shaved under the armpit especially if it has become home to germs.

It makes maintenance of the armpit very easy. Use powerful deodorants as well as body spray under the armpit. Also make sure, while washing your shirts that special attention is paid to the armpit, to wash off sweat beads trapped on the material and also prevent discolouration.

This should take care of the problem but if it persists please see your doctor.

Good luck.

He Keeps Paternity Of A Daughter Secret

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in the **Daily Independent** I have made it my daily column in the tabloids. You are indeed a blessing to our generation.

I am a 30-year-old lady, in a relationship that is almost hitting three years. We are planning to get married. I love him and he does too because he always tells me how much he admires me.

However, something happened that is threatening our perfect world. Recently, he told me for the first time about his five-year-old daughter whose mother insisted on giving birth to her despite appeals she got rid of the pregnancy.

According to him, he refused to tell me until now out of fear of losing me.

Agatha, I am so confused because this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. What happens if the girl refuses to accept me as her mother? Although he has assured that he knows I have what it takes to look after and care for this girl, it might not be as easy as he thinks.

My point is what do I do? Do I allow him bring the girl home or he should just be responsible for her upkeep. I am confused. Do I go ahead with the marriage plans or what? I am meeting his family very soon they are in the North. Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Worried Woman.

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Dear Worried Woman,

That you are not angry at him for keeping such vital information away from you until now shows that you are truly in love and that your relationship has the right foundation to work things out. This is quite commendable and means your worry over your ability to care for this child is needless.

A relationship such as yours has the elasticity to make things work out at the end of the day.

Unless you allow it, this girl cannot be a major issue between you and your man. Now that you know, insist on meeting the girl and her mother. From this early beginning, insist on taking the child over from the mother, making it clear to everyone that you intend to have a major say and influence in the life of this child. Though this may not be easy for you now, but it is the only way you can have complete control of your home as well as reduce the influence of the child’s mother in your home and life.

The fact that your husband and this woman have a child makes it almost impossible to totally insist you don’t want her to get in touch with your man. The existence of that child means from time to time these two would get together to discuss the progress and welfare of their child.

Since there is no telling the real motive of this woman, it is in your best interest to take over the child. This way, you nip in the bud whatever repercussions that are likely to occur in future by allowing the child with the mother.

Once you make up your mind to take her, ensure you treat her as your own irrespective of whatever faults she may have as a person. The conflict comes between stepmothers and their stepchildren, when stepmothers ignore the basic truth about the child they are supposed to foster - that a child will always be one. Child truancy, misbehaviour, tantrums and antics have no paternity or tribe. Children will always behave according to form hence must not be unnecessarily condemned or labelled on account of her maternity.

When the child needs proper scolding, don’t hesitate to mete the apt punishment and when the need to praise arises, also don’t hesitate to give it to the child unconditionally.

What you feed into this child is what you will get at the end of the day. If from this early stage, you endeavour to feed into the child seeds of love, trust, loyalty, fair mindedness as well as the fear of God, there is no way this child will cause problems for you now or later in life. Give this child the training you will give your own child.

Problems come when stepmothers treat their step- children with wickedness and envy. Don’t transfer whatever negative feelings or fear of the mother to the child. The child is an innocent party in this. She didn’t ask to be born at all, hence it would be wrong to transfer whatever feelings or thoughts against the mother to her.

As for going ahead, there is nothing stopping you from marrying him. He has told you the reason why he didn’t tell you and to be honest would you have gone ahead with the relationship if you knew he had a child way back then?

Your final decision should be based on what you know of him, the quality of life both of you had enjoyed since you became an item. How has he treated and respected you? How caring is he? Beyond this issue of this child, has he ever lied to you or given you reason to doubt him in any way?

For you to appreciate him very well, look at how you begun and where you are now. If you limit your decision to the current situation in your relationship, you may end up taking the wrong decision.

Above all learn to pray because the success of marriage is based on prayers, trust and tolerance.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

I Need A Widow Or Mature Lady

Dear Agatha,

I read this page of yours in **Sunday Independent**. You are truly God-send. Please just help me with this problem it may seem small to you but it is very big to me.

I lost my wife five years ago during childbirth leaving me with a son who is just five years. I need you to hook me up with a mature lady or a widow with one or two kids. She should have the heart of a good mother and a better wife to me. She should be between 31 and 40 years old and should be a Christian. I work in the sales department of a soft drink bottling company. I am in my 30s. Help me with this request my son needs a good mother. I can be reached with this number;
07056834425

Austin

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I’m Single, Searching Wondeful Wife

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a great job I must confess it. I am one of your column readers.

I am a young guy of 27 years of age, single based in Lagos and seriously searching for a wonderful and pretty lady for serious relationship from ages of 18 to 25 years of age.

Interested lady should text me on my number 07037506350 with her profile.

Michael.

I’m Innocent Of Her Decision To Settle For Married Man

Dear Agatha,

Please help me get over this madness happening in my family. My younger sister is just 25 and has a very bright future. She got a very good job as an advert executive in one of the media houses around, and from all indications is doing very well.

That is why I cannot understand why she is involved, and actually planning to marry a family man.

She is the only one among all of us who does not talk about her affairs. While growing up, she kept to herself. The rest of the family knew she was odd and very secretive about herself, but she is the most hardworking, always willing to do the dirty jobs the rest of us would not do.

Being the one closest to her, I had my way of getting her to talk about herself, and the things she would never discuss with anyone. She would not do that without warning me against divulging the information to other members of the family.

However, since I got married and she packed out of the house to her own rented apartment, we hardly find time to come for gist. I tried on my part to meet her but we cannot meet due to her constant excuses of not having the time anytime I make the move. She would always come up with an excuse at the last minute to cancel the meeting irrespective of whom among us made the arrangement.

One Saturday morning without any prior notice, I decided to visit her at home because I had this feeling she was trying to avoid me, while I am concerned about her.

Agatha, I was right to be apprehensive because when I got there, I met an elderly man in her apartment. From his look, he spent the night with her. I wonder what and why she would allow a man come to her place when it should have been the other way round.

It didn’t add up so I decided to call my husband to tell him I would be late to return home. Since the kids were with me, he said it was okay provided we came back before nightfall.

Determined to outstay the man, I sat patiently and taking mental notes of him and his mannerism. It was during breakfast I noticed that his wedding finger had the telltale mark of a ring. Although he was not wearing one currently, but the ring stain mark was evident.

After a while, he dressed and left.

Very much aware that my sister would try to parry the issue, I asked what she was doing dating a married man. She was shocked I knew. Always on the defensive, she told me to mind my business that at 25, she knew what she wanted. And that she was, as a matter of fact, going to marry him because she made him happy.

I thought she was joking, but she made it clear that she wasn’t out for a joke. She added that the family could go to hell for all she cared. Now she is up in arms against all the other members of the family because nobody is in her support.

What more, they think I had knew all about it from the beginning and have grouped me with her in this battle.

Agatha, please help me, not even my husband believes I am innocent. How can I persuade her against going into this marriage? Why would a young intelligent and very beautiful woman elect to marry a married man? Please save me from the twin problems I am facing. By the way, the man is 48.

Funke.

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Dear Funke,

Since your sister is adamant and unwilling to listen to the voice of reason, you may have to go beyond your sister and see how you can get the man. I am sure by the time the whole family meets with him to plead with him to let your sister be, he would listen. Chances are that he might be less passionate and willingly to listen to the voice of reason.

As a young girl, your sister may be under the influence of idealism, but as a man who is married with possibly grown-up children, he is likely to be more realistic. Even if he is having problem with his marriage, it is necessary you tell him pointedly that marrying another woman is not a solution.

If he refuses, find a way of meeting his wife and children to get them to appeal to their breadwinner to leave your sister alone. Get his grown up daughters, if he has, to blackmail him emotionally. He should be asked what he would do if one of his daughters decide not only to marry a married man but one who is old enough to be her father. Your parents should be part of the delegation to meet him. All of you should collectively appeal to him to save your sister from herself. Go a step further by looking for his friends and other family members to join in the appeal.

The reason for this is that if pressured from all quarters, he might change his mind, leaving your sister with no choice than to listen to all of you.

It might also help to get your sister to talk about her reason for wanting to marry this man. It would give you all some insights into her inner mind. Something is obviously wrong somewhere because it is clear she is not in the relationship because of money, so there is more to this relationship. It could be a problem from her past, something that happened long ago but which the family is unaware of.

The preference for a father figure for a husband may be a silent and salient cry for help. She may also not be able to understand or explain this. Did the family alienate her on account of her nature? Sometimes when a child appears different from the rest, the tendency is for everybody in the family to alienate her. Did your mother go the extra mile to show her love on account of her nature or simply couldn’t be bothered since the others were okay? What about your father, did he at any time seek her out specially, to talk and establish a relationship with her as the unique child in the family?

The tragedy of growing up in a house where you are branded on account of your nature is what is doing things to shock the people who at the time you needed help made fun of you. Her preference may have been shaped for her by the attitude you all put up way back then.

Get her to see a psychologist in addition to praying for her. Fighting or being hostile to her is not a solution, but would drive her further into her shell. Unless this problem is effectively tackled, there is the likelihood she may end up with another older married man if this one agrees to let her be. It is very important she gets a fair hearing if you are to protect her from herself.

Good luck.