Can’t We Kill His Love For Alcohol?

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a marvelous job. I don’t know if you can help us because it is not a love matter, but we don’t know where else to turn to.

We are helpless. Our son is an alcoholic addict. He went to best of schools and was in the university when he dropped out without our knowledge. When we found out we did our best to encourage him to change but all to no avail. He was at a rehab and was much better but I took ill and was not there to supervise him, and so he relapsed. We have prayed and fasted and we do not know what else to do. He refused to go back to rehab. Please can you help? We are Muslims by the way.

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

Like I always say, parenting is about the most difficult job in the world. Although it appears to be very simple to the uninitiated, often it requires the grace of God to come out of it smelling roses.

This is because children are constantly under the influences of so many people and happenings around them. For the most part of it, making a success of it isn’t entirely dependent on the training the child gets at home but the exposure the child gets outside the home. The adulterations come from outside influences, like friends, the media, and social values as propagated by global trends.

Your child may have had the best training at home, and gone to the best schools, but what sort of friends did he make and keep company? What sorts of homes do these friends come from? What sorts of trainings did they get from their homes? What sorts of values did these children come with? That you laboured to send a child to the best schools doesn’t insure the child against negative influences.

Whether parents realise it or not, peer’s influence is one of the strongest, sometimes stronger than family ties or values. Only few children can withstand the pressure of peer’s influences. For this few reasons, it takes special kind of grace to make them withstand the taunt, condemnation, discrimination that come from not being part of the large crowd.

For most youths, they cannot withstand all these emotions hence give in to the influences of their friends. At this point, they jettison everything their parents taught them at home. A discerning parent can always tell when the child begins to take the first fatal steps by the lies, missing money, sudden urge to be alone, irritations when one sneaks into his or her private area unannounced, vague friends and the signal of wanting to do things his or her own way. But once the child escapes the stage of detection and masters the act of living in two different worlds, it becomes almost impossible to find out.

This is where the real challenge of parenting presents itself. Once the child is old enough to mingle with a large crowd of friends; when the rebellion of the teenage years mingles with the natural curiosity of the human mind, parenting can go either way.

One thing you should never do is to blame yourself unduly for refusing to act when the signs were all over. The danger of doing that would only make you more guilty and unable to help him. Take the blame for those mistakes you know you could have avoided and manage those you know you had no power over.

At this point, it is no use dwelling over the past. The past that brought him to this point no longer has the power to influence him or change him. The harm of the past has done the worst. You and his father can’t change that.

The only heritage the past has to offer him and you in his current state is the memorial of your own youthful years. What was it like? How did it go with your parents? On those occasions your parents were spitting fire as a result of your misbehaviour, how did you feel? How did you want them to handle you? What were the things your parents did which in retrospect you wished they had done differently? What words did you crave to hear the most from them, which never came your way?

Can you think of any point in your yesterday as a teenager or youth when you wanted to go contrary to all the training you had? When you wanted to revenge your parents’ seeming high-handedness? When you wanted to shame them for not allowing you have enough of the things you wanted? Or when you wanted to do something outrageous simply to get them to devote time to you?

In your own past, what mistakes did you make that given the benefit of time could have contributed to his current travails?

Can you think of any? Knowing and appreciating the many thoughts going on in his mind would make it easier for you.

He may have rejected everything but he cannot reject love and friendship. It is long past time the period of condemnation, regrets and accusation. From his reactions to your absence by his side, it is obvious he needs you around him and to get over his challenge.

What is the nature of your sickness? Would it allow you go to the rehab at least once a week or twice while you employ someone to care for him for the rest days of the week?

Is there an interim arrangement you can work out with him if he isn’t keen on another person taking your place by his side at the rehab?

Why has he relapsed at home? Is there any condition at home he isn’t comfortable with? Has he ever complained about anything at home? Learn to listen to those salient things he is telling you. They may not make sense to you but sensible to him and important enough to change a lot of things about his condition.

If your inability to be with him at the rehab is the reason he relapsed, shouldn’t being at home with you exclusively help him stay focused on his recovery?

What changed between the times you visited him, fell sick, and his coming home? Can you think of anything? What have you done since his coming home to recreate the type of environment at the rehab centre for him?

The people at the centre must have done something right to make him change, can you get them to teach you? What tactic did they deploy in getting through to him? Is there something special in the décor of the place he particularly liked that could be recreated in the home to help him relax?

Go to the rehab if he refused to discuss ways they can help you get him off the habit. Ask if they render special home services. Even if they don’t, find out if something can be worked out for your son, a sort of arrangement that would involve them either coming to your house to counsel him or having him come over as an outpatient? Combining their professionalism with your maternal love is essential for his recovery.
If they are unwilling, seek professional help somewhere else.

There is also the need for you to impress it on your husband that money alone doesn’t make things right. He also has to get over his disappointment as a parent and be the friend he needs now to go back on the right track. In all his haziness, he has to find true love and friendship in your eyes to make him snap out his situation. He has to see a different kind of concern, one different from everything he is used to make him want to change.

Don’t ever get discouraged on those days he wants a sip of alcohol. His recovery cannot be without such incidents from time to time. Old habits are often the hardest to beat. On the days he shows remarkable recovery, reward him with a compliment on how good he looks or proud of him. Work on his vanity at times to get him interested in life and happenings around him. We all have egos we want massaged from time to time.

Another area you should work on is his source of supply. Where does he get the money? Who gets him his supplies? Who are still his friends, his collaborators in this macabre dance? Ensure you find out everything you need to know about his movements, his friends and even the level of assistance he is getting from his siblings. Ensure you also clear away your valuables so he doesn’t have easy access to funds to continue his habits.

This is one task you cannot do alone or afford to do with hostility. Despite the pains inside of you, you must learn to play down your own feelings and adopt wisdom in all of these.

As his mother, don’t give up on him even if everyone does. Keep praying for him because God listens always. His condition may appear discouraging, but you owe it to him never to lose faith in him because to do that would be to condemn him forever. Always speak positive words into his life.

Once you learn not to be affected by the opinions of others and concentrate on ensuring you help him get over this challenge, giving him your love and support would be a lot easy.

Good luck.

Her Presence Threatens The Pastor’s Wife…

Dear Agatha,

I have a friend who is 19 years of age, and has only senior secondary school certificate.

Her parents sent her to stay with their village pastor who promised to render assistance to her. She had been living with him before he got married. For reasons best known to the pastor’s wife, she didn’t particularly like the arrangement leading to constant problems for my friend in the house. She is almost due and the situation between her and my friend has degenerated to the point that my friend has been sent packing to her father’s house.

A few days ago, the pastor called asking her to come back to the house.

The question is do I tell her to go back or stay put in her father’s house? She has knowledge of computer, which in my opinion can fetch her employment on which she can begin life with.

But this man being the village church pastor gives the entire issue a different dimension and makes it a little bit more complex. What do I say to my friend?

Worried Friend.

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Dear Worried Friend,

The best thing is for her to stay back at her parent’s to avoid being cited as the reason for another woman’s marital problems.

Being a single lady makes her a potential threat to the other woman who may never truly comprehend the true reason her husband is interested in having her around him. Irrespective of whether the man involved is a pastor or not doesn’t stop the wife suspecting the nature of their relationship.

This is particularly so because she wasn’t involved in the process that brought the lady to live with her husband, or is she close to the lady’s parents for that matter. Had the girl come from her, she would be able to endure her presence.

Even, if the woman is ready to accept this lady what about her family and friends? There is always the fear of the unknown, the temptation of the flesh. A single girl staying alone with a man has its implication and is bound to attract comments from people around. His being a pastor would not stop the imagination of people conjuring up scenes in their minds or stop gossips about them from spreading.

The picture of the two of them living together before the appearance of the wife, is one whose image will never fade for a long time. Whatever attitude the wife may have put up might not be unconnected with the stories she has heard. No woman, no matter how trusting of her husband would ever be comfortable with her man sharing his space and home with a single girl without a chaperon.

If she has displayed any hostility towards this girl, it is only because she is trying to protect her home from the unknown danger of another woman taking over. She may not be justified in her attitude but when a woman is out to secure what is hers, fairness is the least of her worries.

In her shoes too, your friend too might find herself behaving in like manner. Only a few women would gloss over the fact of a single woman who is unrelated to their men staying together all alone in the same house. Life has taught many women and men too to be careful. Being a pastor especially, such situation is one he should not have allowed because a village community is too small a place for suspicion and gossips about them not to flourish.

The inability of the man to protect her from whatever attitude the wife may have put up is to dispel whatever suspicions and misreading may have been generated by the presence of the other girl in his house. Should he insist on the wife being polite and accommodating of the girl beyond what he can defend, it would compromise his own happiness at home.

Sincerely, there is no way the wife would ever be completely happy having her around. Going back would only cause more complications for your friend later. Being a first time mother, the pastor’s wife would naturally require assistance with the baby. For your friend, there is no escaping offering help as often as she is required to while staying in their house.

To complain would make her appear like an ingrate, to stay on would make her very resentful of the situation her parents’ financial inability has placed her because each day always bring along with it fresh challenges.

Again, it is doubtful if the pastor would be able to fulfill his promises without the full support of his wife. There are limits to how far a man can help an outsider without the wife’s support. Given the relationship between your friend and the pastor’s wife, it would be almost impossible for the pastor to make good his promises. The pastor is after all still human and subject to what is happening in his relationship.

Beyond his spiritual responsibility to his sheep, he is not under any obligations to take on the responsibility for your friend’s education. Doubtless he may have made a promise but if the conditions for fulfilling the promise are causing him problems in his own private life, he has every right to back out of that promise. To hold him accountable to that promise at all cost would be stretching things too far. The man may not have been destined by God to help her at all. In life we come with our special helpers from God, sometimes people we don’t even know while those we know and think would be of help don’t help. Had he asked God before making the promise, this challenge he is facing from his wife wouldn’t have happened.

In order not to cause problems for herself, whether now or in the future and to protect the pastor, his family and reputation, she should consider other options available to her.

Her secondary school certificate is more than what most people started out with. If she is industrious and determined to make something out of her life, her knowledge of computer operations is an added advantage.

She doesn’t have to stay with the pastor and his wife before she can go for further study. Let her stay with her parents. If for nothing at least she would have the peace of mind to source for a job.

What happened to her may be God’s way of telling her that this arrangement would not favour her and that it would be in her interest to look elsewhere for help.

With whatever she makes from her job, she can save to further her education to the level she wants to.

Besides, life is about sourcing for self-opportunities and not relying on people to think for one.

As a friend, you should not stop encouraging her. She would always need your support to reach her zenith in life. Join her in praying for her God given helper.

Good luck.

Any Wisdom Hooking A Lady That Makes Unreasonable Demands?

Dear Agatha,

I’m 30 and deeply in love with a 400 Level student of Lagos State University, LASU.

I met her three years ago and have gone out of my way to ensure I make her happy, meeting her needs. I even assist in paying her school fees when the occasion calls for it.

I haven’t made love to her because she says she is a virgin and I have indicated my interest in marrying her. I do take her out, buy things for her and even assist in her study.

Sadly, she seems to think I am a big boy due to the efforts I put into making her happy. She has taken to making unnecessary demands.

My question now is whether she can make a good wife?

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

It depends on what she wants from life. If her vision is to live on the fast lane and doesn’t care about where the money is coming from, she may not make a good wife but if it is just a habit she recently picked up from friends or on account of your willingness to meet her every need, it is something you can still change.

To help make up your mind, you have to go back to the very beginning. Was she like this when you first started? At what point did she change if she wasn’t always so demanding? What are your contributions to her new person? What impressions have you given her of yourself?

It is always easy to blame others for our own mistakes. In your bid to impress her, you may have inadvertently given her the impression that you have a deep and bottomless pocket. Like a young child whose parents are forever doing everything to please, she would always ask for more because you have never done or said anything to make her think you are incapable of meeting her every demand. Until you complain, she would never know her limits or your capability for that matter. You have to make her know she cannot always have everything she desires in life that she has to make the choice between what is important among her desires.

It is also in your interest you teach her what responsibility is all about. If you go out of your way to provide her with all she needs, don’t complain you can blame her for asking for me. It is the nature of man to ask for more and more.

Only very few people can apply the principle of constraint when it comes to going over board with liberties.

This doesn’t necessarily make them insensitive or of bad character but only reacting to man’s age long insatiable quest to acquire more than what is required to be happy.

In a way, you are to blame for her reactions as well as demands. You gave her everything she wanted in your bid to present yourself as the ideal man for her, one capable of taking care of all her needs. How was she supposed to know about your limitations and fears?

If you are really serious about marrying this girl and having a peaceful future with her, tell the truth concerning your financial status as well as the apprehension her ceaseless demand is generating inside of you. She has to be made aware by you that you are not looking for just a relationship with her but a relationship that would lead both of you to the altar, and that her behaviour and attitude is beginning to make you wonder at the wisdom of her choice. Tell her precisely what those fears are especially that of her suitability of being a good wife given her attitude towards money and material possessions.

It is pertinent she knows how her attitude is affecting you and causing you to do a rethink of your future together.

Giving her the benefit to think of the implications of her actions is to give you enough opportunity to watch her. If her interest in you is simply for the money she is getting from you, chances are she would begin to show resentment when you refuse to give in to her demands.

If she sulks sufficiently to change dramatically from the loving person she currently presents herself to be to one who has little regard for you, then you have every reason to worry about her suitability of being a good wife to you.

At this point, resist the urge to be sentimental or else you end up with a woman who may not support your early days of struggle or difficult storms when they appear, as they often do along life’s journey.

Furthermore, it would also give you opportunity to study her other qualities as a woman you can trust with your life and destiny. It is important if you two are contemplating marriage, you find the right rhythm in terms of fundamental qualities a man and woman need to have a good life together. Without either of you taking the time out to zero-in on those qualities, work on your deficiencies, find a point of acceptable equilibrium as well as the willingness to make things work, it might be difficult for the two of you to live together in peace and harmony.

From this early, you must teach her to apply the rule of being satisfied as well as moderation.

In addition, you must also find out how much respect you have for her and she has for you. When a relationship is going into marriage, it is important the couple understands all that is involved in making it work for them. You must look for traits in her character you may not be comfortable with after a while. For instance, be sensitive to her attitude now and after you must have discussed with her. Granted, relationship and marriage are products of sentiments, but the real challenge is knowing when to be factual and realistic in the choices we end up making. If you make the mistake of allowing yourself to ignore important flaws in her character, it won’t just be a case of her endless demands you would be worrying about but that of not having the right soul-mate.

This is why you should be very honest and opened about so many things happening in the relationship.

Good luck.

I’m Betrothed To A Father Of Two

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. If you can recall, I wrote to you twice last year concerning two men who had had children and were seeking my hand in marriage.

After praying and seeking counsel from people and my parents, I decided to go for the one with a girl after considering that the girl would one day get married.

We have done the introduction and even agreed on a January date for our traditional marriage, but owing to reasons beyond our control, it didn’t hold.

Unknown to me, the unforeseen situation has to do with a married woman who became pregnant by him. The woman ran away from her husband on account of being childless after about seven years of marriage to her husband.

Though the woman isn’t a stranger to me and very much aware of our relationship and our plans to get married, I didn’t know she was that unhappy. Now she has given birth to a baby boy.

My boyfriend and his family are begging me to forgive him because what happened was as a result of the devil’s work. His family members insist I should forgive him because I am the only woman known to them.

He insists he will never marry the woman. Since I discovered what he did, I have cried myself silly. The pain of his betrayal is too much for me to bear.

Agatha, why me, why is this happening to me? Why do I have to go through so much heartbreak? Why women are naturally wicked to each other? What have I done to deserve all these pains?

My greatest challenge is my reactions to him. Despite the pains he has caused me, I can’t help the surge of joy that engulfs me anytime I hear his voice.

I also want you to confirm if the baby really belongs to her husband under our native laws and customs. This is because the bride price paid on her has not been returned to the husband and family.

I feel so bad because at 35 years of age, I should be married. I have fasted, prayed over this issue and marriage. Does it mean that God doesn’t want me to get married? I have never been married. What have I done wrong?

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

You haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever is happening to you still falls under the plans of God for you because He sees so many things you don’t see and knows things you don’t know about yourself.

Besides, God’s time is never too early or late rather, it is always perfect.

He understands and knows more than you know. The best thing for you is not to question or nag Him. Instead, give in to His wisdom and authority.

At 35, you have every reason to be apprehensive but do you have the powers to hasten your desires to fulfillment? If you had, I am sure you would have done that by now. So, stop worrying over the things you cannot change or make happen.

There are two types of answers we get to prayers. Some come the way we desire them, some come first masked in pains and disappointment. Only the patient person who has absolute trust in God appreciates His ways even when things appear wrong.

This man may not be your choice of a husband because God is never the author of confusion. Irrespective of what the laws and customs of this woman’s husband people say, it cannot erase one thing, that he is incapable of being faithful to you.

If he had any respect for you, he wouldn’t sleep with another woman after going to see your people. Not only did he sleep with another woman but one who is close to you and your confidant. Chances are this is not the first time he has been sleeping with her. If she hadn’t got pregnant, you wouldn’t have known the extent of his duplicity.

While the choice of whether to go back to him or not is ultimately yours to make, be careful else you end up unhappier with yourself than you are now.

Already, he has children by two women: a boy and a girl. If the first one was a mistake, how do you classify the second one? Would he also claim this one is a mistake? What mistake when he has you in his life?

And if it was, why didn’t he tell you immediately she told him about the pregnancy? If he is asking you to forgive him, what are the conditions of your coming back to him? Remember, you are not going to live with his family but him. His family can only facilitate things but he has the final decision on his desires in life. If his desire is to keep sleeping around with anything in skirt, there is little his family can do about it.

You have to be sure of what you are coming back to. It isn’t just a matter of insisting he can’t marry the other woman. It takes two to tango and this tango has a baby to show for it. He can afford to deny the woman but can he deny the baby? What arrangements is he putting in place for the sustainability of mother and child?

Whether this woman ran away from her husband or not isn’t the issue here. Reality on ground is that she has a baby by your man. He is the biological father of that child. The woman didn’t rape him, he did it of his own free will hence would be grossly irresponsible of him to abandon the baby he helped bring to the world.

Don’t because you want to get married at all cost ignore this salient fact of the issue of his responsibility to this woman. Yes, she was desperate for a child but your boyfriend allowed himself to be used so he should face the music.

Any man capable of denying responsibility to his child is capable of doing anything. There is no way you and your children would have peace if you refuse to address the issues of his two children now. Marriage to him means having to live with these women and their children. Can you cope?

There is also the issue of his sincerity towards you. Do you consider him a man you can trust in your old age? There is more to being married than bearing the name of a man. Marriage without respect, trust and sincerity cannot stand the test of time. A marriage where you constantly worry over the reliability of your man especially where your female friends and relatives are considered isn’t the ideal at all. The time that would have been devoted to building the relationship and inserting happiness would be spent worrying over issues you knew about but decided to sweep under the carpet.
If you must marry this man, do so without illusions because to go with the illusion of happiness after could be your undoing.

But it would pay you to listen earnestly to the voice of God and not the voice of your desperation to marry at all cost.

Good luck.

My Man Insists I get Pregnant Before Marrying Me

Dear Agatha,

After a long wait and search, I recently met a man I am interested in enough to contemplate marriage with. Although he isn’t my ideal man, but I have grown over the years, to be able to look beyond the physical appearance of a man, to what he is inside.

Honestly, in times past, I wouldn’t be caught dead with this man, let alone consider him as a husband, but like I said, a lot has happened to me in life. At 33, age isn’t exactly on my side and with majority of my friends already married; I have been forced to re-arrange my priority, with being finicky about the physical presentation of a man being the least.

Lets say, I have outgrown the age of illusion, and had transited to the age of reality; which is why his insistence I get pregnant before we fix a wedding date is driving the daggers into my heart. I have known him for only six months, and right from the beginning, he hasn’t hidden his desire to have me permanently in his life, considering that he too has stayed on the shelf for too long. He is in his early 40s.

I have tried to argue the point with him, but he insists he cannot afford the mistake of marrying without the woman first getting pregnant.

When I asked him about love, his declaration is that certain things are inexplicable, and that his desire for me to get pregnant has nothing to do with his feelings for me.

Agatha, having waited this long, I feel I deserve love. I can’t help this feeling that he isn’t really interested in me for myself, but only sees as an appropriate woman to, as well as someone to bear his children.

I am so confused. Some of my friends say there is nothing wrong in what he is asking of me, while others think it is wrong. Deep down, I don’t feel it is right too. I have never, ever planned to become pregnant before marriage.

What do I do? I am so confused. He wants us to get married as soon as I get pregnant. He is making me feel deep inside me that given my age, I don’t have a lot of choices, hence, must do as he says. Agatha, to be candid, what choices do I have at 33? Wouldn’t it be simpler to give in to his demands and get on with our married life? Like I said, I am so confused.

Ladun.

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Dear Ladun,

Being married is more than having children together, and one of the easiest things to achieve in a marriage is to make babies. Unfortunately, it takes a whole load of efforts to give those children the right foundation than it takes to bring them into the world. A lot of inputs are required to give those children a good life and keep them happy. Without a united home and happy parents, these children he is asking for will never have the type of life they deserve.

From the tone of your letter, it is obvious both of you are applying individual approach to an issue that requires joint inputs from both of you.

Why does he want you to get pregnant? Any particular reason? Still, take time out to listen to his reasons, no matter how vexatious his reasons may sound to you. Listening to him doesn’t automatically mean you are about to submit to his wishes, but it’s a way to demonstrate your willingness to subject every issue between you to discussions. In getting him to talk sincerely about it, you have to listen to his real reasons; understand the fears he isn’t saying out loud, as well as navigate things towards an amicable settlement.

Listening to him, offers you too, an opportunity to talk about your anger without getting angry; get him to listen to you without anger and stubbornness in his heart. Such discussion opens up to you a new way of getting issues resolved without suspicion, anger and stubbornness. This way, you are able to talk frankly about your own fears, especially. For instance, rather than fret silently over what would happen to the relationship should you be unable to conceive quickly, raise the scenario during your discuss with him.

The creed of a successful marriage is premised on honesty, wisdom, patience, tolerance and boldness. There is no way both of you would be able to make a good decision without first coming out with your fears, anger and frustrations.

You should be able to bring up the issue of love and friendship in this arrangement that appears to you to have been contracted by him primarily for baby making. Anger would only make him defensive, but dialogue will enable him talk sincerely about why he wants things done his way. Your cue as his wife to be, is to always find ways of ensuring you express those views that are potentially inimical to the growth of your relationship.

Let him understand your fears about the uncertainty of his proposition, that marriage isn’t about sampling the future, but about risks. Marriage is premised on promise (hope), something we don’t see, but which we belief in and are willing to take the risks to realise.

Asking you to have a baby is another way of telling you that he doesn’t belief in the promises he is making to you. Insisting you do it before he walks you down the aisle is asking you to perish any hope you might have built round his promises, and on the declaration of his intentions to spend the rest of his life with you. To do it his way, would risk causing yourself pains.

To help him understand your feelings about his insistence that you take in before he sets a date, ask him how he would feel, if you insist too that he shows you physical prove like his bank statement and property, as evidences of his ability to care for you and the children. Tell him that is what he is trying to make you do by telling you to get pregnant first. You have to find a subtle way of getting him to think beyond his world, his sentiments and reason with you. He has to see you as his woman, his proposed better half, and the marriage you are both planning, as one without guarantees of money back when things don’t work according to plan.

He has to know that marriage is finding a friend; one who supports and encourages his or partner to incredible heights. He has to know that a couple can be blessed with children, yet failed to find the happiness required to live together as two adults. He has to discover your strength as a woman, your uniqueness, as well as the necessity of spending the rest of his life with you. If you fight him on account of this, you would be like all the other women he has met in his life.

Sincerely, quarrelling with him would not change him; rather, it would only destroy whatever chances you both have of making this thing work between you.

You also have to make him see that you are a reasonable woman, one who is ready to meet him more than half way to make him happy. You have to point out that he has to learn to trust your past, just as you are willing to trust his, and that babies are not ordered like goods from the supermarket, but given by God as symbols of His love and trust.

However, if he insists, you have to make the ultimate choice of the many ifs attached to his demands. If after becoming pregnant something happens to the pregnancy after the wedding what are your chances with him? If in that event, you are unable to take in thereafter, what are the assurances he would not get another woman to give him what you cannot give? Importantly, do you think he has what it takes to endure the unforeseen circumstances like you being childless for instance?

Besides, there is the issue of compatibility in terms of having the right temperament and attitude. From what you know of him, is he responsible, respectful, selfless, understanding, compassionate, understanding, caring, supportive, and, a friend?

Do you see yourself being able to live with the person he is throughout your life? These are concerns more important than the issue of babies. Without you two being able to achieve uniformity in these areas, your marriage may not be able to survive the attendant storms. Where would that leave the children?

Whatever, some developments in or lives are God’s way of telling us to pray more and trust Him further. If God says he is yours, this storm would pass, but if He has other plans for you, despite what you consider the limitation of your age, the right man meant to give you the happiness that has eluded you all these years would come.

In matters of marriage, it is best to leave the decision to God.

Good luck.

From Dating To Marriage: Sex-free Relationship Speaks Morality

Dear Agatha,

I am actually an old man and probably do not personally need the good advice you give to people. However, your wonderful counsel to people on problems in relationship has always fascinated me. I found them helpful in my vocation as a counselor. I would like to thank you profoundly for the counsels you give. They impact on me, in spite of my ‘old age.’

There is, however, a recurring decimal in all the relationship problems involving ladies. The problem as I see it is that dating relationship is being mixed up with marriage relationship. In my capacity as a counselor on family issues and for youth, young single adults and parents, I have seen this mix-up as the underlying factor of most relationship problems.

My idea on this issue is that dating relationship is not a marriage relationship. Sexual intimacy is appropriate in a marriage relationship between a man and woman. Outside marriage, sexual intimacy is not acceptable. I am unequivocal about this statement regardless of the possibility of being termed archaic, given the permissiveness and perversion of our time. My licence is based on the fact that if we analyse the cases of ladies who write to you and similar columns in other newspapers and those who use my free services to seek counsel on their relationship problems as statistics, we can safely say that close to 80 percent of them are in relationship where they started having sexual intimacy with those they are dating. In each of the cases, I see the cart before the horse instead of the horse before the cart. No reasonable man worthy of a reasonable woman’s hand in marriage would marry a woman because of her sexual prowess. In all marriages resulting from sexual intimacy as its foundation, a woman has ended up with a man who is not worthy of her if she was forced into the sexual act. If she was not forced, then, you have “avis of identical plumage here.”

I would also like to state at the onset that when a relationship has shifted from dating to courtship, it is still not appropriate to indulge in sexual intimacies. In fact, engagement is not a licence for sexual intimacy with a man or a woman. The only licence for sexual intimacy with the opposite sex is Marriage. In this day and age, I would counsel that marriage should be according to marriage ordinance (law), legal marriage. I state this, hoping it is sounding strong enough because engagements have been broken off in the last minute. If during the course of building a relationship with the opposite sex one starts sexual intimacy and the relationship is called off, the only person whose loss may be manageable is the man. The woman loses completely and lives her life with a scar that hurts and hunts, even when she pretends it doesn’t. The men do not go unscathed either. They live with the thoughts of it and spend their lives comparing their earlier sexual encounters with the sexual performance of their wives. My experience dealing with relationship problems show that the men suffer also but without knowing its source. “The rich also cry,” remember.

I don’t know how mothers forgot or stopped telling their daughters the well-known line “boys want sex, they play at love and girls want love and they play at sex.” In 90-plus percent of times when a boy/man say he loves a woman, he actually means ‘I want to have sexual intimacy with her.’ And when a girl/woman tries out their charm on a man, she is actually saying, ‘I need someone, the man she is targeting, to care for me.’

The value of sexual intimacy in a relationship is either over-emphasised or wrongly emphasised or both. Sexual intimacy is an integral part of the man-woman relationship. It is, however, not the foundation. All relationships between men and women when founded upon sexual intimacy must crumble regardless of how far it was taken to: dating, courtship, engagement or marriage. This is the bedrock of almost all relationship challenges faced by mankind. Such a relationship could be likened to a drunk driver who is “an accident looking for where to happen.” Remember the house built by the foolish man on a pack of sand when the rains came, the wind blew, and the house came crumbling down.

We must have heard about people seeking counsel or dissolution of their marriages in six months or less. This is common in a sexual intimacy laden relationship that leads to marriage.

The foundation for lasting relationships that lead to growing marriage relationships are friendship, mutual respect, honour, faith in God and faith in one another, clarity of purpose, integrity and virtue.

Find a relationship that has endured and you will find these elements at its foundation. Find a relationship that has collapsed and you’ll find that these virtues were lacking or were not strengthened over time. Those men/women relationships that are still there that lack these elements are one of the hundreds of millions of marriage relationships that are mere caricature of the real thing. Many involved confess being trapped, confused, and running high-blood pressure. It takes a lifetime to sustain the marriage relationships that are well founded.

Most relationships are hanging on because children are involved, or the partners are afraid of what people would say or being seen as failures.

Dear Agatha, I would like to support your cause by suggesting that you be upfront with our female folks and let them know that the evil of premarital sex is not a mere religious jargon. It is a foundational issue for success in marriage relationships. Avoidance of premarital sex would enable ‘girls to get what they really want which is who would care for them.’

I cannot remember the name of the movie where I heard this quotation. I would use it anyway. “Love is one product you cannot sell by giving out sample.” The predominant mindset of the ladies, especially those who feel time is running out on them on account of age seem to be “give the man a ‘little booty’ if you want help them decide to marry you.” Nothing can be further from the truth. We have countless cases, but no one seem to be ready to learn from their past mistakes or the mistakes of their peers. If you give a man a little booty, if you allow a man who has not signed the dotted lines before your Church or the Law (Registry) and your parents to see your nakedness or have sexual intimacy with you, you reduce the chance that he will marry you by 90 percent. That is a big risk to run if you ask me. At the same time, you erode the elements of mutual respect, trust, faith, honour and virtue by 100 percent, meaning: if he ultimately marries you, there would be no strength in the foundation of that marriage to produce happiness and make it endure.

There is a higher doctrine of marriage the world needs to seriously be, considering at this time. This is the eternal dimension of marriage. The popular thing known to man is “till death do us part.” Marriage is part of the eternal plan of God for His children. If we plan marriages on ‘till death do us part’ basis, we increase the chance of failure and heartache. But if we plan marriage with a vision of the eternal relationship in mind, we would make the foundation sure before hand.

Sexual intimacy, no matter how thrilling, has no capacity to sustain a relationship beyond ‘one hour.’ I want to be quoted on this. I want to be proven wrong on this with evidence too.

The late Lucky Dube cried “my mother didn’t tell me the truth; my father didn’t tell me the truth…about the government.”

Dear Agatha, please tell mothers to tell their daughters the truth. Tell fathers to tell their sons the truth. Let fathers tell their sons the reason why they have no respect or why they have great respect for their mothers. Let them open up as to why they are not happy in their marriages to their sons’ mothers.

Mothers, instead of telling your daughters to “deal” with men because you suffered in their hands as a result of your mistakes, help them to stop ruining their lives. My people have a proverb that says, “The sheep is messing its tail up, thinking it is messing up the shed for its owner.” When premarital sex is involved in a relationship it is the girls/women who lose the most whether it continued into marriage or failed. The men always get what they want, ‘sex’ and the girls always lose what they really want, ‘love’ (care).

Sexual intimacy outside the bond of marriage is immorality. Dating is not a licence for sexual intimacy. Ladies, protect yourselves. Cheers.

Francis O. Nmeribe is a Marriage and Relationship Counselor.
Email: nmeribefrancis@gmail.com

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Dear Francis,

Thank you so much for your rich words of wisdom and experience. I sincerely hope a lot of our young girls, especially, and parents go away with something precious from this article.

God bless you.

Agatha.

Her Poignant Body Odour Puts Me Off

Dear Agatha,

Please, I’ll appreciate any help to solve this problem I am having with my girlfriend. I am 32, when I started dating my girlfriend, she didn’t have body odour. But she has grown too fat and now has this poignant body odour. The odour is more pronounced when we make love. The odour is not from her skin but from her person, I am getting discouraged.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

As the man in her life, have you told her about it? Chances are she may not have an idea of what is going on at all.

Encourage her to talk about it and see a doctor. It could be a fungi or bacteria infection that simple medication can cure. However, once she sees a doctor about it, the doctor would know precisely what to.

It also could be a simple thing of not washing her person properly and not paying special attention to the things she wears underneath.

Being fat, she may not be able to wash as clean and deep as she used to when she was slimmer. However, there are several ways of ensuring her person remains prime and healthy.

One of such ways is to get rid of pubic hair. The move would ensure the place is able to breathe and ensure the absence of hair trapping sweat or discharge beads. A lot of the time, odour comes from the sweat or discharge beads trapped in the hair on the pubic areas.

Apart from scrubbing the area twice a day, in the morning and night, she should invest in feminine wash and deodorant. Washing her person once in a while with freshly squeezed juice from lime is a good and effective way of keeping fresh. It is especially recommended immediately after the monthly flow when the discharge has a different character.

Encourage her to change her under-wears as often as she can if she isn’t particularly the clean type.

Whatever the problem is, a visit to the doctor would tell what your should be.

Whatever the doctor comes up with, she needs your support and love. Leaving her now would only worsen the matter.

Good luck.

Hope Irregular Monthly Flow Means No Threat?

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I thank you so much for your pieces of advice that have been solving problems of so many people. I gain a lot from reading your column. I have this problem that has been bothering me a lot.

It concerns my menstrual cycle. I started having my period six years ago. I started with five days before it dropped to three days suddenly.

I didn’t bother at the change in the number of days at the time because I assumed it was normal.

It was last year when I read your column on ovulation that I decided to go for a medical test concerning my irregular flow. When the results came out it showed I have what the doctor called "candiasis."

He prescribed some drugs that I promptly took. Despite completing the treatment, my flow has pegged at two days. I went for another text only to be told I still have candiasis.

My question now is if there is anything to worry about since my flow has remained consistent and constant every month? I really need your help on what steps to follow because I don’t want any problems with my reproductive health in future.

Ngozi.

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Dear Ngozi,

Even from experience I know that the number of days a woman flows has nothing to do with her fertility, I still suggest you go back to the doctor for further treatment. It is important you deal with this issue once and for all.

Your doctor should be able to tell you how this condition would affect you and the likely reasons it is has refused to be cured by the prescribed drugs. Sincerely, he is in the best position to give the type of assurances you require of me because I am not a medical doctor. The doctor has your medical history as well as the knowledge of what to look for and the drugs to use to alleviate the situation.

However, if you are not satisfied you have a right to a second and even third opinion provided you have the patience and time to invest in ensuring you get the answers you are looking for.

Go to a government hospital nearest to you. Despite the problems with our health sector, government hospitals still parade the best and most competent of the country’s best medical professionals.

Good luck.

What Causes Lost Of Virginity Without Blood?

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column and I have this problem that has been bothering me for quite a while now.

For over five years now I have been suffering from a whitish and offensive discharge from my private part. It causes me to itch terribly. I have been taking treatments from three different drugstores. Once I commence treatment, it would disappear for a month or two only to resurface after.

Secondly, I was a virgin when my fiancé deflowered me at 26.

To my greatest shame and surprise there was that no blood flow to indicate I was still a virgin as at the time he deflowered me.

I suspect that the whitish flow from my vagina may be responsible.

If not please tell me what to do concerning the whitish flow and the cause of no blood flow when I was deflowered.

Rossy.

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Dear Rossy,

Five years of living with an offensive, itchy discharge from your virginal and all you do is to go to drugstores for treatment?

What would it cost you to seek proper medical help from the hospital? What do you know is wrong with you? What types of drugs are you taking? What are you being treated of by these pharmacists running the drugstores? How have you coped with the embarrassment of the uncontrolled itches as well as the offensive odour oozing from your body?

Do you realise the implication of this delay on your reproductive health? Do you know the extensive damage you are courting by your carelessness and apparent ignorance with which you are treating this condition? Do you realise you could end up becoming sterile as a result of delayed treatment?

Granted, it could have started like all other female itches but your refusal to seek proper medical attention for good five years may have complicated the situation.

Before anything can be done, urgently seek medical attention first to know what is wrong with you and the possibility of complications arising from late and proper treatment. The fact that the problem keeps recurring after taking the prescribed drugs should have alerted you to the presence of something beyond what an off the shelf virginal tablet or cream can handle.

A woman’s body due to its peculiar nature houses a lot of discharges. The particular time of the month dictates the type of discharges that flow from the virginal. These discharges neither itch nor give off offensive odour.

Once these discharges become offensive, it is an indication that something is wrong somewhere and that the woman should immediately see her doctor for proper diagnosis and treatment.

Frankly, your worry about the lack of blood spot at your initiation into womanhood is rather misplaced. This should not bother you as much as you finding a cure to your medical condition because sooner or later your fiancé would begin to question the state of your health and hygiene as a woman.

Once he begins to, chances of you two being together is doubtful especially if he doesn’t understand the nature of such discharges.

The issue of your personal hygiene is also important and could be another reason the discharges have refused to go. If you continue to wear the same pants you have used over the years even after getting the right kind of treatment, you will suffer a relapse because some of the bacteria that give rise to these conditions can survive tough weather conditions. This may explain the continued reoccurrence of the condition after it disappears for a month or two.

Once your treatment is complete, please change all your under-wears and preferably avoid nylon pants or tight fitting trousers. They discourage ventilation into the body, thereby encouraging the growth of bacteria or fungi infection in the private region of the body.

One personal habit you must also develop is to learn to soak your under-wears overnight in clean soapy water. If you live in a not very clean environment, iron them before wearing. It will help kill all the germs that may have survived the washing process.

On the issue of blood spot during your introduction to womanhood, not all women have the privilege of showing blood. A physically active woman can have her seal broken before her initiation. The seal covering a woman’s entrance is a delicate thin cover, which can easily break under the pressure of a strenuous exercise, insertion of tampons or the use of some of the virginal tablets that may have been recommended for you to cure your discharges.

However, an experienced man would know despite the absence of blood spot, from the tone of the woman’s body that she is a virgin. Her passage would still retain its tightness.

It is in your interest you go immediately to see a doctor and make sure you go to one that has the equipment to do a proper clinical examination of your body.

Good luck.

Hard For Him To Trust Me… Despite My Unbiased Love

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way you attend to people’s problem. God will continue to bless you.

I am into a five-year-old relationship, which from every indication lacks trust on the part of my boyfriend. He doubts everything I say even when it is obvious I am telling him the truth. Right from the beginning he has always doubted me and I have never stopped complaining about it.

Since I met him, I have never looked at another man but he is forever suspecting me of double dating.

There is this guy who is my neighbour and friend. I introduced him to my boyfriend, so my association with him is not a secret thing.

Two years ago my boyfriend said somebody told him I was dating the guy. I took my time to explain every detail of my relationship with the other guy to him all over again and to avoid trouble between us, promised to discontinue my friendship with the other guy.

He accepted and we were happy again. Two months after, he started asking me about the guy again as if he heard something contrary to what I told him.

I have tried to know why the sudden questions, but he said he was just being curious.

After two weeks he came and still asked me of what I was doing with the same guy, I got so angry that I talked to him the way I have never done before. I also walked out on him. Since then he has not called me nor did I.

I decided not to call him to know what he was up to. Besides, I have always tried to please him even when it is not convenient for me.

Please did I make the right decision?

Mimi.

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Dear Mimi,

A relationship that lacks trust is akin to an animal without a skeletal frame. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship grows. Growing a relationship deficient in trust can be both tiresome and stressful because every innocent move is given a different type of interpretation that more often than not leaves the one being accused hurt and confused.

That he is constantly suspicious of you underlines a problem beyond you and your relationship with him. It also shows that in your five years together, you haven’t been able to reach him in that area where he obviously need help the most.

Relationship building doesn’t become perfect on account of the couple declaring their love for each other rather, it is only the beginning of a greater challenge of acting the love declared. It entails having a relationship with the person’s past history because without first dealing with the past, the present can never be perfect let alone have a future together.

What is the past of your man? What could be responsible for this problem that has made him so suspicious of you and causing you both so much unhappiness? Did you bother to find out from him since you noticed the problem?

And how have you sustained this suspicion? You may think you have done everything to please him but may be doing other things to further fuel and complicate things between you.

In the first place, by agreeing to discontinue your friendship with the other man, you unwittingly opened yourself up to be suspected. Promising to end that relationship on account of his insecurity gave him a weapon to be used by him when he feels like it. Such a promise made to one who is reasonable and trustful isn’t out of place for the sake of peace, but made to someone who is insecure and lives in perpetual fear of suspicion of his or her partner having an affair is like sentencing oneself to prison. He would never allow you made an independent choice of friends, even the female ones whom he would later come to accuse of you of using as fronts to have affairs outside him.

The truth is, by agreeing to his terms, you aren’t helping him get over the thorny issue of his insecurity. He has to be taught how to trust and to do that, he has to be reminded that life is generally a huge gamble. No right and profitable decision is ever made without sacrificing something precious. He has to learn to sacrifice his heart to help you make him happier and showcase the extent you can love him. Even if he was hurt terribly in the past by a woman, he has to give himself and you a chance to be happy by learning to trust all over again.

If he continues to hold himself prisoner of the past, he denies himself and any woman he entangles himself with the chance to be happy.

As an individual you have a right to your friends just as he has a right to his friends provided these associations are executed in the open. That you are in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from speaking to a man or being friends with your male neighbours, colleagues or classmates. You also cannot stop him from having female friends. What is important is the level of trust you have in each other. If he trusts you and you trust him, no felony has been committed by you being friends with this other man or he being friends with a female neighbour, colleague or school mate.

For a man or woman who is always mistrustful, no amount of sacrifices would always be enough to assuage his or her suspicions unless the partner is ready to relinquish every self-authority to please or for the sake of peace in the relationship.

It is either he learns to trust you and your words or forget about the relationship entirely. He has to make up his mind this early to let go of any disappointment he may have suffered from the past. He has to learn to trust you on your own merit. He has to learn to accept that whatever happened to him in the past, you are not to blame
hence must give you the freedom to make your mistakes just as you are willing to endure his own mistakes too.

However you must admit your own mistakes too. What have you been doing wrong in all these to keep his frustration on? Are you sure, you really don’t have any ulterior relationship with this other man beyond what you advertise? Beyond the issue of your relationship with this man, do you accord him his due respect as the head of the
relationship? Are you arrogant? Some of the things women think are unimportant turn out to be major issues that count with majority of men. So, it is essential you take time out to study him so as to know the things you must avoid when with him. Do you run an open relationship with him such that he knows where you are at a particular time, knows how you come about the clothes and things you wear? Do you value his opinion in other areas? What sorts of clothes do you wear? What sort of friends do you keep? These are some of the issues that may keep fueling his suspicions of you.

Sincerely, it is unfortunate that this is coming up after you both have invested five years into this relationship.

Frankly, it points at a flaw in the relationship because both of you should have been able to overcome this. He should by now have an idea of what you are capable of doing just as you should have developed the understanding and patience to handle him. That this problem has persisted shows that you have both been concentrating on the wrong values.

Whether you remain in this relationship or not, one issue is clear, learn to focus on important issues that can stand the test of time always. Having identified the problem early, you should have worked towards helping overcome it by making him open up to you on his past. The information would have informed you on how to help him build confidence in himself and you. It may not have been another girl who is responsible for his current state of mind. It could be his mother, aunty, sister or simply from hearing stories of other men. Unless you make the effort to know, you will never know where to begin from and what to say or do to bring him out of the shell of caution and suspicion he has build around himself.

For instance, if the problem were coming from his family, what you would say and do would be different from when it is coming from a former girlfriend.

Insecurity in men can be very difficult to manage but a woman who is sensible, applies her God given wisdom can handle the problem without allowing it affect the peace and progress of the relationship.

Overall, you require wisdom to handle this relationship should both of you decide to give it another trial. Use the knowledge of your five years together to help him overcome his mistrust for women generally. Above all, learn to pray for strength, direction and help from God always. Unless God is involved in our decisions, relying on our wisdom leaves us with regrets and pains.

Before deciding on what to do, take time out to talk to God. Ask if this man is His choice for you and tell Him to give you a sign you can quickly understand because God often time when He speaks through signs and situations we don’t understand. We count them as signs of problems instead of symbols of liberation from a mistake we are about to make.

Good luck.

No Money For Wedding Now…Her Family Can’t Wait

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for me to share this problem. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend since 2007. She has been of tremendous help. This is besides her being so kind, loving, understanding and faithful.

We are both 25 years of age and for now I don’t have enough money to marry her. Already the family is pressuring her to get married. Even though she has told her family I remain her only choice of a man and that it would be difficult for her to find another man who would love her as I do, they haven’t relented in their quest for her to get married. I am so confused. I don’t know whether to tell her to yield to the pressures of her parents or to wait for me.

Mikel.

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Dear Mikel,

Don’t make things difficult for her more than they already are by asking her to succumb to the pressures of her parents. Telling her parents you are the only man for her tells of the kind of love she has for you and the vote of confidence she has passed on your love for her.

The choice is not for you to make for her. She is the one who has to make the choice between what you both share and the fears of her parents.

Her parents are applying the pressure on her to marry out of a hidden fear that when you are finally ready to marry, you may not want to marry her on account of you two being of the same age.

Given the numerous instances of the disappointments that often end such relationships, her parents have every right to be apprehensive and their pressure is a way of protecting their daughter from what they see as an endless wait.

They don’t know you or how serious your desires for their daughter are. Besides, having swum repeatedly in the powerful tides of experience, they are also anxious about the uncertain clouds of the future. This is something that just happens that is often times not planned. From the blues it comes and hits hard at its target leaving that person with no time to think or make amends.

Love is something one doesn’t plan. It simply happens without one knowing the why or how. You must come out of the shadows to assure her parents that their daughter is your final bus stop and that no woman would ever be able to capture your heart from her.

You must also discuss your plans with them as well as give them an idea of when you would be ready to marry their daughter.

It is the only way they would stop pressurising her as well as give her the support and peace to wait for you. To be frank, as long as she is under their roof, they can manipulate, harass as well as intimidate her into submitting to their pressures. This is why you must take the bold step of meeting them and discussing your plans with them.

They must know you to have the confidence to trust in the decision of their daughter.

However, this decision comes with a greater responsibility and commitment than you already have with your girlfriend. Therefore, before you go to her parents, you must search your mind for true answers to your fears and reasons.

Is money the only reason you think you are not ready for marriage now? Would you marry her instantly if you have enough money? What about your psychological preparedness? Do you have what it takes to head a home, take responsibilities for another person’s life, be a father to a dependant child? Can you withstand the pressures of being married? Have you had enough of your freedom as a young adult? What about being of the same age? Have you in particular thought about it deeply and have come to the conclusions that no matter what, your love for her would eclipse any social problems that may come from being of the same age? Do you have the maturity it takes to live with a woman, to understand her behaviours or reasons for behaving in a particular way most of the time? Do you have what it takes to put up with her various mood swings especially at some odd times of the month when she becomes inexplicably irritated and refuse to be reasonable when at other times she would accept such situations without complaining? Do you have the peace of mind to care for her when she needs you to?

Beyond the issue of money are these challenges. A man could have all the money in the world to marry but if not ready psychologically for marriage’s brand of pressures and challenges, he would never make a good husband or father. More often than not this is where negative issues begin to build up in marriages, which if not properly handled cripple the marriage at the end of the day.

One of the first questions you should ask yourself and find answer to is, how much money do you need or would be enough to make you ready for marriage?

These are salient issues her parents are worried about and asking you to give them assurances for through the pressures on their daughter to give you up.

Telling her to go would only justify the position of her parents that you were never serious with her and that she was better off without you.

You may not be ready financially to embrace the commitment that marriage requires now but if you are honest and plan ahead, things would work out between the two of you.

Like her parents let her know what you are doing and what you have in place from time to time. Between you and your woman, you must be able to tell her the truth even if that truth may hurt her for sometime.

Once everybody is in the know, things would work well for both of you. Your planning period and her waiting for you to be ready must have a time frame. It is the lack of time frame that is the bother here. You must give her something reasonable time to tell her parents, sometime reassuring and encouraging to enable them give their daughter the much required peace of mind to wait for you to be ready.

You don’t ask a single and young woman to wait endlessly and expect her family to be happy. Unlike a man, Mother Nature isn’t so generous with a woman when it comes to her biology. If her waiting isn’t defined, it may affect a lot of things in her later life.

Your inability to resolve your inner conflict and prioritise is the issue not this woman or her parents.

Good luck.

Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help in my love life. Although my woman is not complaining, yet I don’t want to wait for her before doing something about the situation. Besides, I can perceive she isn’t happy with me.

Anytime I made love with her, I ejaculate within two minutes. Thereafter, it becomes a problem to get my manhood up again.

Sincerely, it is eating me up and very afraid of its consequences on our relationship. I don’t want to lose her. Please tell me what to do.

Anxious Man.

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Dear Anxious Man,

Have you always been like this or is it a recent development? If recent when did it start? How old are you? Is she your first experience?

Chances are if she is your first experience at lovemaking you may not have mastered the act of self-control to a stage where you can withhold orgasm for a while.

If this is the case, you will need the help of your woman as well as determination to stop yourself from having early ejaculations. The point is not to attempt a full achievement at one go rather your current time of two minutes can be extended to three and upwards in subsequent attempts. It is easier to hold back for a minute at the beginning of your self-training than to go for five minutes at once.

Another possible reason is masturbation. Chances are if you have always enjoyed and engaged in the act, you may have schooled your body to climax at a particular time after you achieve full erection.

Should this be the case, the problem has to do with how you have trained your body sexual endurance. It means you must begin all over again by learning how to make love with the pleasure of a woman in mind. This entails explaining your problem and the reason for it to your woman and engaging her help and understanding to get you off the habit.

While masturbation may have its fulfilling moments in the sexual life of an individual, the side effects are more likely to cause major problems later in life in a person’s drive to be happy with his or her partner. It may deprive a man, in particular, of his inability to enjoy full and satisfying sex with his woman.

Even in the best of situations, a man has to be very imaginative to be able to satisfy the average woman given that it takes more efforts on the part of a man to be able to get a woman to her optimum performance. A woman’s body is structured to have more stimulations than that of the man whose stimulations are often energised by his sights and imaginations. An average woman requires physical stimulation to be ready.

Next time you and your woman are making love, to help get her over the disappointment of your early orgasm, prepare her adequately through foreplay. Encourage her to take the lead as well as tell you her preferences. By enlisting her help from beginning gives her control of the situation as well as stimulate her desire to help make the act comfortable for you too. Only go into her when she is almost there so her time and your time would rhyme. This would stop the complaint from coming and give you plenty of time to adjust your ready time.

It would also address the issue of you losing her to someone else due to the advantage foreplay between couples have on their overall relationship. By turning your disadvantage to advantage, it would keep your relationship from falling flat on all account in the sense foreplay encourages couples to discuss their preferences. Such development is healthy for the relationship.

If all these are eliminated, chances are you may not be in the right psychological frame of mind to make love to a woman.

In most cases, once these conditions are removed the man would restore to his full strength.

However, if the problem is deeper and has been the norm, you may have to visit the doctor for proper medical examinations to pinpoint whatever the problem could be.

A perfect solution can only come from knowing how it all started. Do you drink or smoke? Are you having problems at the office, business or other related problems?

Whatever the problems are, try to keep them under check else you risk losing your woman. Most times, discussing your problems with one’s partner reduces the severity of the issue. This is the essence of having someone by your side, someone to share in your dreams as well as someone to cheer you up when the colours don’t look too bright.

The real challenge before you now is to ensure this woman by your side understands that you require her help in getting over this problem. Knowing that you consider her important enough in this matter would make her stay to fight on your side.

You also have to make the relationship attractive for her in other ways by being her best friend in all the other areas. Once she can trust you, know that she is a powerful force in your life, put her interest outside the inside and outside the bedroom first, and she would stay.

Another thing you must avoid and which could further cause problems for you is worry needlessly about what is happening to you. Some percentage of what you are currently facing may have its root on your constant worrying of it. Yes, you should worry but not to the point of habouring fear in your heart anytime you want to make love with your woman.

Sincerely, this in itself declines your performance. You must at all times have the boldness to face whatever issue without giving it power to submerge you.

Good luck.