My Girl Flagrantly Fools My Love For Her

Dear Agatha,

I want to appreciate you on the good advice and responses you daily provide people with problems.

I am 24, and combine work with schooling. I’m a civil servant with the Delta State Civil Service Commission, while schooling in Akwa Ibom.

I am in love with this lady whom I cherish so much, an orphan. Our relationship is over 10 months old. She stays in Warri while I in Asaba.

At the beginning, our relationship was smooth sailing to the point I almost proposed marriage to her. But I began to notice that things were no longer going smooth between us as she began to misbehave. She took to insulting me at the slightest opportunity only for her to apologise afterwards. As a matter of fact she longer exhibit any respect for my person.

In the place of the pleasant reports I used to get about her, people began to complain, including her friends, the woman she stays with and her church members.

Even though she has severally accused me of unfaithfulness, in spite of my sincerity, I never suspected her capable of unfaithfulness. It is so painful.

Disappointed Man.

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Dear Disappointed Man,

In the course of finding emotional equilibrium and tranquility in the opposite sex, you will meet with one or two disappointments. Heartache is one of the risks we take when we decide to go into a relationship.

There is no relationship that doesn’t come with its fair share of pains and aches. This is inherent in our individualities and characters as human beings. When a man and woman decide to come together, the greatest challenge is finding a middle ground between the difference in their attitude as well as their family orientations.

In addition, they have to find a path of compromise between their social attitudes picked up from interactions with friends and peers.

The beginning was without incidents because the natural euphoria of finding and discovering something new was at work. In the beginning your mind and eyes overlooked her faults because of the newness of the relationship. You applied the principle of selective perception which blocks out what you don’t want to see and see things from the perceptive you only wanted.

Her behaviour didn’t change from what it has always been. The difference is you changed from being so idealistically in love to being realistically in love. It is the reality of your feelings for her that threw up issues, which you never agreed to pay attention to before.

Issues like rudeness, disrespect and unfaithfulness don’t just happen overnight. She has always been doing all these things. The fact that you have to combine your studies with your work also didn’t give you too much time to observe her as closely as you would have loved to.

These attitudes may have become more apparent on her side due to certain failures of expectation. Women decide to show their true colours to the men in their lives when dissatisfied with the man on account of his inability to meet up with her demands or failed to live up to expectations. She also does this when she desires to quit the relationship for a perceived more rewarding one.

You have to resist the temptation of allowing this incident affect you in such a way as to make you doubt any other woman you fall in love with. What experiences like this teach in a relationship is to place emphasis on the inner qualities of a person rather than the physical ones.

A woman with the right inner qualities would never be rude to her man no matter his provocations, and would at all times demonstrate respect for him even if he doesn’t deserve it. She would never agree to any other relationship until she bids the relationship farewell.

Physical beauty alone doesn’t make a woman instead she needs an inner beauty to be a complete woman.

It is also important too you examine your own contributions to the problem. Combining school and work in different locations of the country, living in different towns all come with very heavy challenges. It couldn’t have been easy for someone so young to cope with. Even older married ladies would find this arrangement tedious and unappealing.

The strain of your involvements would naturally make her wonder if you are not having another relationship especially if she hardly sees you. While talking over the phone regularly has its advantages, it is not a substitute for personal contact. If you are able to forgive whatever issues exist between the two of you, this is one area you both need to work on in the interest of peace and commitment.

You just have to find a way of making her understand your passion. If it means taking her with you to school one weekend to experience first hand the type of environment you operate, might help to make understand.

Even if you agree to go your separate ways, don’t leave things to chances in your next attempt by allowing the issues that affected this relationship come up in your next one.

From the very beginning ensure you not only explain the things you are involved in but to also plead for the sacrifices as well as support of your partner.

In clear details explain what is involved in dating you in your current situation; give her the chance to say yes to the arrangement or reject it.

Not only would it address, from the beginning, the thorny issue of faithfulness but also of you not having either the time or enough money to play around.

Good luck.

Two Men Want Me For Marriage, Hard To Make Choice

Dear Agatha,

I am 24-year old lady dating a man of 29 years of age who promised to marry me. But I am keeping a secret affair with another man who also promised to marry me after his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year. He is aware of my first boyfriend but now insisting I date only him, and consequently introduced me to every member of his family.

He just gained admission into one of the polytechnics and we have been dating for three years. He is very humble.

Esther.

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Dear Esther,

From the tone of your letter, it seems the second guy is your favourite. The most honourable thing for you to do at this point is to tell the other man about your change of mind.

It is bad enough that you are cheating on him. It would be very cruel if you keep encouraging him while your mind is made up to follow another man. Even though he doesn’t know about your new man, you have done enough harm to him because while you are busy enjoying two worlds, having different plans with these two men, he on the other hand has put all his hopes on you. To him now, he has a woman he hopes to marry but who unknown to him has equally given her commitment to another man.

To have allowed this second man present you to his family shows you don’t feel anything very strong for your second man. So work up the courage to end your relationship with him so he can also have the freedom to pursue happiness with another woman. He may not understand why you are doing it now but he would eventually when he meets the woman who shows him the respect and love you obviously cannot give him.

Your continued relationship with him is pointless since you lack any qualms going on with the other man. It is apparent that your confusion is not over the other man but the unfavourable situation of your second boyfriend who just gained admission into tertiary institution.

You are worried about the number of years it would take him to be ready to take as wife. The cause of your anxiety has to do with the unpredictability of the future, of the fears of rejections by him as well as your inability to wait for him to be ready.

It would do you a world of good to think deeply because this relationship is laced with so many uncertainties. There is no guarantee that he would get job as soon as he finish school or that you would be able to withstand the emotional pressure of seeing all your friends getting married while you wait for your man to be ready.

These are fears you have to face squarely now. There is no way you can eat and still have your cake. Your choice comes with some bitter pills you must make up your mind to swallow if truly you love him.

The years you have to wait for him would define how deep your love for each other is but I can tell you this, it would take a lot of sacrifices on your part more than his to make it work.

Good luck

How Possible Is It To Date Multiple Partners?

Dear Agatha,

My problem has to do with this girl I have fallen in love with but who unfortunately is in a relationship with another man. She told me when I asked her out that she would have gladly accepted my offer if she weren’t in another relationship.

The question is if it is possible for someone to date more than one person at a time?

And what should I do? This is the third girl that would be turning down my interest over the same reason. Please what should I do?

Christambass.

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Dear Christambass,

Yes, it is possible for some people to be involved in multiple relationships but the question should rightly be whether it is right? No, it isn’t right. Anybody who engages in it is termed disloyal and incapable of loving anybody.

The heart is incapable of loving two people at the same time. It will always favour one person to the detriment of the other. When a man or woman is in multiple relationships, in the process of allocating time among the partners, everybody involved with that person suffers.

The essence of going into relationship is to have constant companionship to share ideals and feelings with. Once this is tampered with, and the other person not available to meet the needs of his or her partner, so many issues suffer in the process, which at the end of the day lead to the collapse of the union.

God designed a relationship from the very beginning for two persons because only one rib was extracted from Adam. When a man or woman goes into multiple relationships at the same time, it follows that he or she is stealing into someone else’s happiness and space.

This is why polygamous homes are laced with unnecessary jealousies, hatred, backbiting and dangerous rivalry because no matter how diplomatic the head of the home is, he cannot love every member of the family equally. He would always have his favourite among the wife, the one who carries his original rib.

No man originally sets out to cause confusion in his life at the point he decides to take on an extra wife but finds himself unable to stop the tide of feelings for one woman more than the others.

This is because God never meant a relationship to be between more than two persons. The formation of the human body shows that life itself is meant to be in pair.

There is no way you would be able to enjoy being in a relationship with any of these girls if they had said yes to you because their hearts are committed to other men; men who have the rights to their time and thoughts.

In any of these men shoes, how would you feel if the lady you are involved in has another man outside you? Would you ever be able to accept being responsible for any pregnancy that results from your affair with her? Would you have the confidence to plan any future with her? There are too many complexities associated with relationships, which made it impossible for a third party involvement.

It is unfortunate that all the girls you seem to be interested are all taken up by other men. But that shouldn’t discourage you from continuing your search for the right girl.
These girls are turning you down because they aren’t meant for you. When you meet the right girl, there won’t be any impediment whatsoever.

To help you make the right choice, pray to God. He knows us all, and what we need to be happy. If you talk to Him, He would make things very easy.

Good luck.

Is Marriage Possible With Younger Lover

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. My boyfriend is 23 while I am 25 years of age. Can we marry considering that he is younger by two years than I am?

Please help me because I am confused.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

There is no reason why both of you cannot marry. Age is nothing but statistic which should not be allowed to interfere with the happiness of those who are able to get over the hurdles put in its path by the society.

The only danger is if you lied about your age to him. Once he is aware of it and agrees to date you despite it, you don’t have any reason to be confused or apprehensive over the workability of the relationship.

What is paramount here is your comfort with the arrangement. Since both of you are not ashamed at being seen together in pubic, your ages become inconsequential to your overall happiness. Your man has to be sufficiently convinced that you are the right woman for him and therefore able to defend his reasons for preferring you to any of the younger girls his friends or family would have wished for him.

He must be proud of you in everyway to overcome the many nasty comments as well as innuendos that such a relationship attracts.

On the other hand too, you must learn to respect him irrespective of you being older than he is. You must never do anything to question his leadership of the relationship. Irrespective of whether he is younger than you or not, he remains the political and spiritual head of the relationship and subsequently the home. Therefore you must willingly at all times submit yourself to him in every way a woman gives of herself to her husband. In public, you must be seen as the doting and respectful wife who recognises as well as cedes to the leadership of her man. Never make him feel whether alone or in the company of others that your age gives you the edge over him or talk to him to suggest that being older, you have the liberty to scold him.

You may be older but in terms of responsibility and leadership of the home, he is the unequivocal head.

A great deal of how this relationship progresses would depend on the amount of humility, friendship, determination as well as respect you invest into it. There is no relationship without its problem and yours will not be an exception at all. As a matter of fact, it would come with more complex issues on account of the decision of both of you to break away from the norm.

Both of you have to learn this early to steel yourself against the opinions of every other person but the two people who count -you and your mate.

If both of you are able to listen to yourselves, learn not to take things too seriously, discuss your differences candidly and manage to remain focused on the reasons that made both of you united, nobody would notice that he is younger or you older for that matter.

To make this relationship work, you must learn to take pride in yourselves as well as decision to spend the rest of your lives together.

Bearing in mind that nobody is perfect, differences should be tackled with maturity while you must avoid inferences that lack strong evidences to support your line of reasoning. Gossips and malicious speculations about one’s partner have been known to destroy a good relationship. Don’t expect everybody to be happy at your happiness or decision to become a couple.

To this end, you and your partner must learn to have unconditional trust in your feelings for each other. While you must never allow the fact that you are older be obvious in your dealings with him, there are instances in which your lessons from experiences must be applied in the interest of peace in the home.

One of such instances concerns his relationship with other women. Always resist the natural impulse inherent in majority of women to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Even in situations where you have evidences that he has an affair with a lady, don’t rush into reactions. Wait until you are enveloped in the privacy of your home before exploding. Nobody but him must see your insecurity because once it becomes public knowledge that you are insecure, it could trigger a lot of negative reactions from those who don’t want both of you to be happy together.

Strive to be his best friend, major confidant, cheer leader as well as his think-tank. Spiritually learn to pray for him.

However one issue that can unmake this relationship is that of you being able to wait for him to be ready. At 23, reality means he still has far to go whereas at 25, you are almost ready for plucking. Do you think you have the required patience and tolerance to wait for him to put a large percentage of the structures you need to be happy together? Don’t forget a woman matures faster than the man. At 23, he still has far to go. If he hasn’t concluded his education, you have to wait for him to do this, do the compulsory national service and get a job, work for sometime to acquire a little bit of capital as well as material things to give some comfort to your early days.

This is one important aspect of this relationship you must discuss to avoid disagreement and terrible disappointing quarrels between the two of you later in life.

Understandably, you will suffer the pressure more than he would do. Would you have the patience and love to wait? Don’t limit yourself to the now of this relationship; look beyond today to its tomorrow and its workability.

Then it won’t be a matter of love but that of a race against time on your part. Ensure you remove all obstacles that could cause problems now or in the future. There is always a thin line between reality and idealism.

Good luck.

I Can’t Afford To Live With My Wife

Dear Agatha,

I have been married since 2006 but my wife and I do not stay together because I work in Lagos and she stays with my mother in the village.

But the problem now is that my in-laws and my mother are insisting I bring my wife to live with me in Lagos. According to them, she has overstayed with them.

This has brought the suspicion of infidelity on her part but my salary isn’t much to write home about. Please advise me on how to go about this problem.

Ebuka.

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Dear Ebuka,

What is precisely your problem? It can’t be the issue of your salary alone. There is more to why you seem hesitant about your wife coming over to stay with you in Lagos. In clear terms what are you afraid of? Why are you unwilling to bring your wife to stay with you? Is it that you don’t feel her absence, don’t have a need of her emotionally, physically as well as spiritually? Don’t you crave for her company at all? How have you coped without her by your side?

In the first instance, why did you marry her; to have her stay with your parents in the village? Did you marry her for your parents or because you realised the need for a companion, a friend, helper, confidant, supporter and mother of your children?

In addition what is your concept of marriage? As a matter of fact, what do you understand by being married?

For three years, you and the woman you claim to be your wife have lived apart not because either of you is outside the country but because you claim your salary isn’t sufficient to cater for a wife? Who then is supposed to care for her if you cannot take care of the woman you claim to be your wife; your parents who also have their challenges or her people who relinquished their responsibility over her to you the day you married her?

Sincerely, I don’t think you are being fair to this woman, your mother and her people. It is either you are in a marriage or out of it.

When you went to pay her bride price, didn’t you know that your salary couldn’t care for an extra mouth? Even if you were pressurised into it, couldn’t you have explained to those insisting you marry that you lacked the financial base and wherewithal to fend adequately for yourself let alone a wife and possibly children?

Did you at any time tell them that you would abdicate your responsibilities for your wife to them if they insist you marry against your will?

If for three years, they have endured the burden of taking care of her, it is only fair you take over from where they have stopped. There is also the issue of the embarrassment they are bound to face from inquisitive neighbours over the continued stay in the village of a woman who is supposed to be married. It can’t have been a tea party for your wife, mother or in-laws to constantly explain her presence in the village. A married woman stays in her husband’s house and not with her mother-in-law.

Sincerely, if she is having an affair, you gave room for the situation to happen because you have failed to live up to your side of the bargain. Leaving her at the mercy of village gossips is insensitive as well as selfish.

Your attitude could frustrate any woman into misbehaving because more than your words or any assurances, it tells of a man who is uncaring, callous, down right selfish, irresponsible and who doesn’t know what his responsibilities to his young wife are.

She is a young vibrant woman whose need of her husband’s presence and touch is at its peak. Like every young married woman, she expects the initial months of be exciting, to have complete control of her husband’s affection, to be at the centre of his thoughts, to enjoy the bliss of all her fantasies with her dream man; instead what does she get; a cold bed at night and the company of her mother-in-law who cannot meet her emotional needs?

What you have done to her is known as matrimonial cruelty and provocation.

Can you honestly say you haven’t been up to other relationships in Lagos? For you, is it the case of what is sauce for the gander being poison for the goose? How on earth can you justify your seeming reluctance to live with your wife of three years under the same roof?

If for three years you don’t have any inclination to bring her to live with you, what signals do you think you are transmitting to this woman?

If you must know, this may not be a case of infidelity on her part but a desperate attempt by your mother and in-laws to make you responsible and alive to your duties to your wife. She has tried to understand, she deserves the job of being married. Not many young women would tolerate what she has endured. It can’t have been easy for her at all.

If money is the real reason, keeping her away isn’t going to improve the situation. On the contrary she could be of tremendous use to you if she is around. For instance, she could help improve your financial base by going into a small-scale business. There are so many businesses or jobs which you may find demeaning as a man but which she can do.

Besides, you should have thought and discussed your situation with her before now. That you didn’t isn’t her fault so subjecting her to this emotional turmoil is uncalled for. Instead of debating the fairness of your family’s summons, what you should do urgently is to go to the village to apologise to her family as well as yours and to take your wife home with you.

Being your wife, she won’t mind the conditions you live in provided she has the opportunity of expressing herself as your wife before the world.

It takes two to build a home. Your wisdom alone as the man cannot carry you through this difficulties, you need her input, which is why God made you a pair.

Marriage doesn’t work on individual efforts alone; it works perfectly when the couple involved pull their wisdoms and ideas together. Don’t lock her out of your life, she has a role to play in helping you stand firmly on your feet. If God thought you could do it alone, He wouldn’t have given you a wife. He would have allowed you to carry the burden alone so don’t carry a burden meant to be shared by you and your partner.

Not only would you collapse but risk dismal failure as well as needless pains on those you love.

Already, your parents and in-laws are disappointed with your conduct, don’t give them a reason to continue to doubt your credibility as a man. It would be most disastrous if your family loses confidence in you. Should this happen, it would be almost impossible for them to continue to convince your wife to stay on in this marriage.

This is why they want you to come and take her to give you the opportunity to mend the cracks you have unwittingly created by your selfishness.

There are men in worst conditions than yours but who are living happily with their wives. That you are able to pay for an accommodation puts you far and above a lot of people.

God created her to be your helpmate. There is no way you can determine how well she would play this role if you continue to avoid her. A woman has the ability and capability to endure any situation once her mind is made up about it. If she fails to support you, it is because your actions have created suspicion within your frame. You need to work on earning her trust all over again because whatever trust she had for you may have been compromised by the events of these three years.

Go before it is too late for this woman. You need her just as she needs you to be happy.

Good luck.

My Man Tricky Of His Real Dream For Me

Dear Agatha,

I am one of your regular readers and I need your help. In the last two years, I have been dating this boy in his second year running Higher National Diploma (HND) programme. We are both in love.

However, I can’t stop being anxious over the relationship because of the way my previous relationship broke up. I am fearful of having another experience like that.

Although we have talked about the possibility of us getting married if it is the will of God but other men are coming for my hand. Once I demand to know his explicit plans for me but he simply told me he loves me but that, if others are coming my way I shouldn’t stop them but not to give any man my body in a hurry.

Please help me what should I do to make him confess his plans for me? Presently, there is no problem between us, but I am confused. Much as I don’t want to rush him into anything, I don’t know anybody in his family because they all live in Ibadan, not in Kaduna. Please help me.

Angel.

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Dear Angel,

You are simply being paranoid. If you continue this way, you risk losing this man not to another woman but to your own fears.

What else do you want him to tell you? Tell you that he would marry you today when he has given the wisest and most realistic assurances in the world? What if he tells you he would and God says no to his desire to marry you? What will you do? Fight or pressurise God into accepting your ways over His wisdom and good thoughts for you?
If you were wise, you would turn your attention to God and not this man who has made it obvious that God is his ultimate source of strength. All he knows is what he feels for you now and that what he has offered you, his love as it currently stands.

You have a choice to either accept his honest response to your question or give him freedom to concentrate on his studies. Sincerely, he doesn’t need your type of pressures now. As his woman, you should ensure he has the right atmosphere to succeed.

Putting these pressures on him might affect his level of concentration on his study.

It is wrong for you to transfer the anxieties of your previous relationships to your current relationship with this man. He isn’t the one that hurt you, so it’s very unfair of you to make him suffer for an offence or incident he knows nothing about.

Whatever may have been the challenge of your previous experiences; you must learn how to trust again, love without fear and conditions. To do that is to elongate your disappointments because it would get to a point where this man would no longer feel the need to defend his love for you.

Once you push him to that limit with your constant naggings, nothing you say would make the right impression on him again. So beware you don’t, through your own insecurities, cause more pains for yourself.

He sounds like an honest reasonable young man. Don’t allow your fears make you lose him because this is one loss you may find impossible to replace.

Like Him, commit the relationship to God because He is the only one who has our lives right in the palms of His hands. With Him in charge, you have nothing to fear again about your life. Trust me, He is very sufficient.

Good luck

My Girl Double-dates Right Under My Nose

Dear Agatha,

Being a regular reader of your column I am always impressed at the way you handle issues.

I am 27 years dating a girl, 21. She works as a maidservant in our house. We have been dating for two years now and sincerely; I still don’t know where the relationship is heading, due to the disturbing presence of a boy, who lives with us. He served my father and has since been settled by him but decided to stay on with us until he gets a place of his own.

Although he claims to be a staunch Christian, a born-again, he engages in practices, which to me make nonsense of his claims as born-again.

I have noticed the closeness between him and my girlfriend. He is in the habit of buying her gifts as well as money. He also buys her edibles.

All these started after she accepted to date me. I help her with her academics and also give her money from the little income I earn where I work.

I also made her a promise settle down with her and sponsor her tertiary education once I am able to get a better job, which I know would come very soon.

She surprised me on Valentine’s Day with a gift of a love frame but my joy was taken away when I noticed she equally bought a flower and kept for the boy who wasn’t around at the time.

She didn’t know I saw the flower because I refused to discuss the issue with her directly. In response to my leading questions she explained that our environment wasn’t conducive for her to concentrate attention on me just as her schoolwork was also taking much her time.

I am confused and need your advice.

Saviola.

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Dear Saviola,

Confront her with the evidences of what you have seen and noticed. Being a house-help in your home, which deprives her of the opportunity to be with you is not the issue, but sincerity on her part.

Relationship is about loyalty and this comes from faithfulness to your partner. She cannot be in a relationship with you and be accepting gifts from another man or buying gifts for another man. It is either she is wholeheartedly in this relationship with you or out of it. There are no middle grounds in love and relationship.

At 21, she isn’t exactly a spring chicken not to know what is expected of someone who is in love or has given his commitment to another person. Her obligations to you include giving up all other persons and inducements to enable her concentrate on this relationship with you.

You will be stupid and highly embarrassed if at the end of the day, she is not only simultaneously dating you and the other boy but would leave you after you have trained her to be with the man of her choice.

Doubtless, you must love her to have risked the opinions of your parents to date her. But her love for you must be worth this important sacrifice you are making.

Therefore you must urgently call her to extract from her, her true feelings towards you. In your own interest, demand she tells you precisely what she feels for you as well as the other man. To get the truth from her, tell her about your confusions at her continued closeness with the other man. Let her know that you are not preventing her from being friendly with the other man but are worried about the seemingly depth of their relationship.

Go over again for the purpose of your discussion with her, your plans for her as well as what you expect from a woman you are having a relationship with. Also tell her about your fears, confusions as well as anxieties.

In addition, do you have the boldness to go through with it? Can you withstand the initial mockery, snobbishness as well as attempts at superiority of friends and other girlfriends if they find out your relationship with her? It is one thing to conduct secret relationship with her, making it public takes another kind of feeling, another kind of commitment as well as dispositions. You may not have thought about this but she may have done so which could be why she is still keeping her closeness to this other boy incase you grow cold feet when the avalanche of opposition threatens to drown you.

It is also important you listen to her because in fairness to her, your position as the son of the owner of the house may be her real source of worry and reason she prefers the other boy whom she considers more her type. Given the experiences of others before her, she may think your offer for a relationship with her is motivated principally by your desire to have sex with her and nothing more.

If this is her hidden fear, then the issue between the two of you is that of lack of sufficient trust. Frankly, it would take more than promises of sponsoring her through university to resolve.

It would entail you taking some risks of your own like moving away from the comfort of your parents’ home. In all fairness to her, there is no way this relationship can work with you staying in your parents’ home. Don’t forget she works, as a maid there, and there is no way your parents would ever willingly give their support to such an arrangement.

Whereas, this other boy is free to associate with her in the open, your social classes occasioned by the situation in your home makes your relationship with her somehow forbidden.

Your talk with her must boldly address this inherent issue in such a way it would clearly address all her obvious and hidden fears as well as set out a plan for the future.

The other boy may not really be the problem as much as your unwillingness to make sacrifices for the love your claim to have for her. Yes, it is all right to help her with her school work, give her some pocket money but you must address and act on the issues that would give her confidence to give up every other dream to follow you.

This is however premised on how much you want her and your real interest in her. If your real interest in her is to marry her, you must begin to act as one to be trusted, one she can follow with a blind-fold, a fearless and determined man.

A woman in her position needs more than the assurances of mere words. In addition to promises, she needs physical evidences that she isn’t going with the wrong man. After serving as house-help in the early years of her life, she needs all the assurances that a better life awaits her and that she has the right man by her side.

Like you, she is confused about the reality of this relationship.

For your sakes, you must honestly address all outstanding issues including that of her unusual closeness to the other boy.

God will grant you the wisdom to be truthful to yourselves as well as give you the guts to carry this relationship forward.

Good luck.

At 28, Is It Wise To Keep Life-partner Even As Graduate?

Dear Agatha,

I am a young man of 28 years of age. I have just graduated from the University and currently working temporarily with a company at Awka while waiting for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) call up letter.

My problem is that in all the relationships I have had, I have found myself going out of the way to make the girls happy. I have never tried having sex with any of them or benefited from them in anyway. My question now is, since I am not the type that demands for sex, what is the essence of a relationship. This particular issue has started creating a cold spirit in me about women.

Secondly, is it wise for me at my age to start searching for a life-partner or a relationship, which could lead to marriage despite the fact that I am just starting out in life, and that my three elder brothers are yet to marry? Please I need your help and advice.

Ugo.

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Dear Ugo,

As one reaches the age of maturity, it becomes imperative for one to have a relationship, to have that special person to share one’s life with.

A lot of things are tied to having the right kind of relationship. It doesn’t begin and end with being able to have free sex, but goes beyond that. Relationship threads all the complex issues of one’s life together as well as giving a definite pattern to life.

In addition, it brings into being the missing link in one’s life. From the beginning, God created man and woman to be a pair. After a certain age, life becomes a drab, struggle without the missing pair.

It also provides the man especially the needed opportunity to learn and acquire management skill. Any man who is able to effectively manage a home, the temperament of his wife, blend the different interests of his wife and children to have a harmonious home, sensitive to the moods and rights of his family and considerate as well as humane, often than not makes a wonderful manager.

A man who is not able to achieve a harmony in his private life in most cases cannot make a success of any responsibility entrusted him.

The patience, selflessness, humility as well as the accommodative nature of relationships has also taught some men and women who would have otherwise been bad managers to be good managers.

However, all these can only happen if blessed with the right partner, as a bad partner can derail one’s dreams forever.

To avoid getting into the wrong relationship, you must know before going into it what you want from life itself. What you want from life would invariably influence your choice of a woman. If you lack a clear focus of what you want from life, chances of you knowing the type of woman to help you with its implementation would be so difficult.
So, before you go into a relationship, first think of what you want out of life. What are your plans? What sort of home do you want? How many children do you want? What sort of marriage do you want and what sort of woman do you think can help you achieve? And what is important to you in a woman, her physical beauty or inner qualities?

Beware you don’t make the mistake of concentrating all your attention on the woman’s physical endowment only because beauty alone cannot make relationship work. It takes more than beauty to achieve your aim in marriage. A beautiful woman without manners, patience, lacking in respect, would make it impossible for you to achieve what you set out to in a marriage.

She has to be more than a wife. She must be your best friend, your cheer leader, spiritually as well as physically, she must be understanding, caring and very respectful to make your marriage or relationship a happy one.

At 28, you are not too young to begin planning for your life. Marriage remains one of the most important institutions in life, the only one, which from birth is mandatory for us all to go into. Right from the labour room, the expectation of the society for the new baby is to be able to continue the legacy that brought him or her to life.

However, it is unfortunate that despite all these expectations, many still find themselves very unprepared for marriage. Marriages are failing due to this. Many people think it is as simple as saying “I do” to the man or woman after their hearts. Unfortunately, it takes much more than that to make a marriage work. It takes, more often than not, determination to overlook all the attendant shortcomings that come with it to keep it going.

Such ironclad determination comes from a deep knowledge that marriage isn’t a bed of roses, which in turn comes from studying and learning from the experiences of others. It also comes from having a courtship where real issues are put on the front burners.

There is nothing stopping you from going into a relationship now, provided you and your partner have the perfect understanding of all the issues at stake. Once she knows that marriage isn’t an immediate thing on your agenda, has the faith and loyalty to help you achieve some stability needed before marriage can happen between you, you have nothing to fear.

Besides, it would afford both of you the opportunity to study each other, fine-tune some of your behaviours as well as build the proper foundation to peg your relationship.

That your elder brothers are still single doesn’t mean you have to wait for them to be married before you fulfill your own destiny.

What happens if they decide not to marry in the next 10 years? Wait for them all your life? Marriage is a personal choice. They may have their reasons for not getting married and would be unfair for anybody to expect you to peg your happiness on their own. Once you think you are ready, don’t hesitate. Being older than you doesn’t mean damping your happiness to make them happy.

Good luck.

Our Housemaid Introduced Me To Sex As Young Boy

Dear Agatha,

Thanks a million for putting smiles on the faces of many Nigerians, who are burdened with one problem or the other. May the good Lord continue to add to your wisdom?

I am a 22-year old young man whose problems started at a very young age. I was exposed to sex very early in life by our house-help who insisted I slept with her everyday.

I became so addicted to sex with her that whenever she weren’t around, I would excite myself by holding on to her under-wears. I usually end up masturbating on such days.

Now, I am reaping the immoral fruit of my past as any thought of the opposite sex gets me all fired up. I seem to have lost the ability to control my reactions.

Secondly, the last time I had sex, about a year ago, I had premature ejaculation in which I didn't even last up to a minute before ejaculating. Sequel to that, I lost my girlfriend, as she couldn't bear the whole thing.

Thirdly, my manhood is tiny. Please help me out of these problems.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

What happened to you is very unfortunate but you must find a way of putting the whole issue behind you so you don’t end up wrecking a life like she did hers.

Frankly, it would take a woman who truly cares to help you get over your problem but that would be on the condition that you tell her the whole truth from the very beginning.

Your information would help her know what to expect as well as the limits of your ability. It would also inform her about the things she has to do to help you gain confidence.

In addition to telling the woman about your past and problems, you also have to work on your confidence as a man. Getting aroused at the thought of a woman can be controlled if you make up your mind. And one-way is to begin the process of debriefing yourself. There is nothing as embarrassing to the image of a man like having uncontrolled erections. It gives the message of irresponsibility and calls to question the man’s moral values. How would you feel having erection in the middle of an important discussion or interview simply because a lady is among the panel?

You are still having all these reactions because you have refused to bury the incident of the past. While you may not have control over what happened to you in the past, you have the power to influence your present and future.

Stop thinking about sex and women! Invest your mind on more important thing of nurturing your dreams in life, putting viable structures in place towards your future. Women and sex never expire but the opportunity of planning for the future, securing it has an expiring date; a chance once lost that can never be regained. You are in your most productive years in terms of intellect and strength. Don’t waste them thinking about women and sex only.

Your best ideas are woven into your current age and it would be so sad to fritter them away on issues that are of no importance to you now.

This is definitely something you cannot do on your own. You need the help and grace of God, so ask for His help to do a good job on your life. Follow this with a positive attitude that you can change by concentrating more efforts on either your studies or work. Invest more hours and if possible, take interest in very strenuous exercises that would leave you with little or no energy to do women. Also try filling your mind and thoughts with the words of God. These are thoughts that would drive away the excitements you feel each time you think of women.

The mind reacts to what it is fed with. If sex were all that you feed it with, it would continue to transmit it till you appear not to have control over it. Power your mind with more productive issues and you would be amazed at how fast it adjusts to the new issue.

Remember this is your life and would at the end of the day be worth the only value you put on it. People will respond to who or what you say you are.

Good luck.

Can’t Forgive My Parents Over Their Indifference To My Future

Dear Agatha,

I am 40 years of age. My life has been a huge struggle as far back as I can remember. Both my parents for reason best known to them didn’t bother. They seemed to prefer my immediate younger brother to me and gave him all the encouragement to succeed. I, on the other hand, had to go into trade to enable me go further in my education.

Tried as everybody in the family did to make my mother especially change her mind about me and help speak to my father on my behalf, fell on her deaf ear.

After a certain age, I stopped feeling sorry or angry with them. Through the help of the church, I accepted it as my faith in life. Being the eldest of three children, I saw it has God’s way of making self-sufficient hence invested myself into making my life the success it is now.

Apart from sponsoring my education through school, I also was able to establish my own business, which by the grace of God and the help of the only true friend I have is a huge success today.

This friend happens to be a girl I met when I went to re-sit my Ordinary Level exams.

I was the oldest in the class but unlike others, didn’t join them in laughing at me. She would go out of her way to explain and teach me things I didn’t know. Being so busy learning a trade, it was a struggle keeping up with class work.

I was almost giving up but she gave me all the encouragement to continue.

Throughout the examinations, she helped me with answers. I made my papers and would not have continued but she insisted I enrolled for the Joint Admission Matriculation Examinations (JAMB). When it became obvious to her that I was foot-dragging, she obtained the form, filled it for me, stole my passport-size photography and submitted it. I only got to know about the whole thing when she brought the examination slip.

She also helped in that examination. She registered me for Business Administration. Once I gained admission, it was easy because school was giving the knowledge to do what I loved best, trading.

Throughout our stay in school, she was by my side. I got to know everything about her. She was not only a very generous person but has the fear of God. I began to call her my angel because she touched me in a very special way nobody had ever touched me. Being from a very comfortable family, I told her father everything about me who in turn offered to pay my fees. Her mother was dead.

At graduation, he gave me N3m to add to my pay-off money from my master who also was very supportive.

The girl’s father also gave me my first shop. He didn’t do this without attaching any conditions beyond being a hardworking boy, who reminded him of his early days, struggling to survive.

He equally gave me good contacts, which today made me the huge success I am today.

Through all these, my parents never asked or bothered about me. They were only after my brother who graduated before me. They also treated my only sister with disdain, forcing her to marry a man old enough to be her father. They didn’t bother to sponsor her beyond primary school.

In keeping with tradition, when I wanted to marry, I went to inform them but for what they cared I shouldn’t have bothered. It was my uncle and his wife who stood in as my parents. They took the backstage. Having prepared my woman and her father, they handled the situation well.

My brother didn’t bother to come. My sister was my only sibling that did.

After that, I decided to stay away from them. When my wife put to birth, it was my uncle’s wife that came to help with the set of twins. She became the mother I never had.

I don’t know what happened between my parents and my brother but I only got to know through my sister who is now widowed and back in school through the encouragement of my wife and I, that he sold off the family house to a bank and that my parents were thrown out of the property.

He is also nowhere to be found. Meanwhile my parents have been turned into squatters in their own village.

The elders of the village led by my uncle have come pleading with me to forgive them and help them out with a house. They want me to forget the past.

My wife too has been pleading with me but how can I forget their meanness or refusal to send me to school? How can I forget the undeserved beating, starvation, and their hatred for me? What did I do to deserve such a treatment?

If it weren’t for my wife and her father, where would I have been today?

Agatha, religion is one thing but this is another. After the way they treated me at my wedding, I have sworn never to have anything to do with them again? This matter has been on for two months now, I really don’t know why I am writing to you or what I want you to say when I have already made up my mind not to listen to anybody on this issue but I can’t help the force inside of me telling me to share it with you.

Michael.

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Dear Michael,

I empathise with you and understand the deep struggle within you over the injustice of your parents’ treatment. I also understand the confusion especially at being able to fathom why they acted that way against you and your sister.

Being their first born, their first son, if you decided to act on the way they have treated you from birth till date, none of all those people coming to beg you would really blame you because they all witnessed your pains, rejection and humiliation. Having gone through your story too, I won’t blame you if you stick to your guns not to help. After all where were they when you too needed them?

But where would such hard-line posture leave you? What would you gain by repaying their meanness with another meanness? If you do that, you would have taken your pound of flesh, wiping the slate clean and stripping yourself of the cover of mercy God has wrapped you with through your years of struggle and now.

God knew all about your pains hence dotted your path in life with people to help you realise His plans for you. He never included your parents among those to help you succeed. Their role in your life was only to give birth to you, carry you from heaven into the world.

What you should never forget is that those things, which are not included in the plans of God for His children, no matter how much we desire them will never happen. Your parents didn’t have any reason to hate or reject you. If you ask them now, they will never be able to explain their indifference to you and your sister. They simply did it to fulfill the plans, which God has for you and your sister.

Your brother was the only one God wanted them to train. The situation in your family is meant to teach you and others lessons, an important one that all children should be given the same level grounds by parents because nobody except God knows which one would turn out to be useful in life.

Not to forgive your parents is to tell God that He made a huge mistake with you, that all the while He was catering for your need through the people He blessed you with, He was simply wasting time on you.

Showing love where there was once hatred is the only way to make complete God’s reasons for doing what He did in your family. Your parents have to learn this lesson too because nobody can tell the story better than the victim of a crime. You have to show them the unconditional love and mercy in your relationship with God.

Being a Christian without demonstrating the attitude and attributes of God is an empty journey. Why do you still hold grudge when God has blessed you beyond curse, raised you above condemnation, displaced the plans of man in your life?

Why do still hold grudge when God has vindicated you above powers and principalities, favoured you even beyond your imagination? The God you serve is a one that strives in Love and specialises in absolute forgiveness and strives in complete justice. Why else would He allow this to happen if not to make it possible for your parents to humble themselves before you?

Can you imagine their shame, the disgrace and pains of having the child they invested so much on, placed all their hopes in life selling the home and exposing them to this base condition in their old age? Do you know what it is like to live as refugees in your own country?

They can’t come to beg you; the shame would be too much for them, hence the interventions of the elders.

If for nothing else, consider this uncle who with his wife have always supported you like his own. Think of the grace of your wife and family? God has never for once left you to suffer, so you have no reason to be bitter.

Even if you don’t go to them, provide everything they need to be happy and comfortable within your means, else if they die before you forgive them, you would never be able to forgive yourself later in life. You may not suffer any repercussion whatsoever but the conscience is such a terrible thing, would never allow you be at perfect peace. Don’t, through your own folly, rob yourself of the peace and happiness you enjoy today.

Think, were your children to abandon you to fate, how would you feel? It may look impossible but it can happen if that is the way God designed your end to be.

So make sure you provide them with a roof of their own. It is the least you can do for all the favours God has bestowed on you.

There is no way you can fight your own battle and win. Continue to give your battles in life to God to fight for you because it is the only place you can continue to be on top of your enemies as well as situations in life. Hard as this appears, give yourself to God through prayers and He would provide you the grace to do it right.

Good luck.

Too Ashamed To Publicly Proclaim His Love For Me

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend of three years is always nagging me. Although I am three years older than he is, he treats me as if I am his younger sister.

He recently gained admission into the higher institution where I just completed my ordinary diploma programme. While waiting to go for my higher diploma in August, to refresh my brain, I decided to be accompanying him to school every weekend. I also didn’t want to be home alone throughout the weekend.

But recently, he ordered me to stop following him and when I asked him why, he couldn’t come up with an acceptable explanation so insisted on continuing without in his company.

This has caused so much tension and disagreement between us. He has threatened to embarrass me if I insist on accompanying him to school again.

That isn’t all he is also in the habit of using very abusive words on me, whenever I try to correct him. He doesn’t care if we are in public at the time, he would insult me only to apologise when we are alone.

At home we are the perfect couple but when we are in public, it is the exact opposite.

Though he is naturally a nice person but I am of the opinion that something is missing in the relationship. I am convinced he doesn’t want his classmates to know we are dating hence his insistence that I should not follow him to school on weekends again.

It is so confusing because we plan to walk down the aisle. I was instrumental to his gaining admission in the school. I have been trying to change him but he seems not ready for that.

Currently, I am not sure about my feelings for him anymore, and my love for him seems to be declining daily. What should I do? I am so confused.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

Frankly, given the way things are between the two of you, your plan to marry may not materialise unless you both sit to discuss your differences as well as change your attitudes.

For instance, you must properly discuss the bothersome issue of your age differences. You must listen to how he feels about dating a woman three years older than him while paying attention to his opinion. It is also important you talk about the ways you both want to be treated because from your letter it is one of the major issues between you.

Apparently, both of you didn’t discuss the issue of your age differences at all and if you did, not sufficiently to erase whatever associated burden comes with it. He, in particular, has to get past the shame of dating an older woman while you have to learn to bury your sense of indignation at the way he addresses you.

There is no way this relationship would work with both of you pulling it at opposite ends. You cannot tolerate his attitude towards you while he too appears to want to be in charge.

Obviously respect is very thin in this relationship. In discussing the terms of your stay together, attention must be paid to your sensitivities. For instance how do you want him to treat you? As his girlfriend or his elder sister? If you want him to treat you as his girlfriend, you must learn to take orders from him, accord him respect as your boyfriend. There is no way he is going to submit or keep tolerating your domineering attitude. You have to learn to respect him irrespective of the fact that you are older than him.

You knew from day one that he is three years younger than you by yet you went into a relationship with him. It therefore behooves you to accord him the respect you would give an older man. You have no right to criticise him in public. If he acted rudely to you, it is because you gave him the opportunity to do so. There is no way a man would tolerate any woman criticising him in public. You had ample chance to effect any correction in the privacy of your home before leaving the house. What do you intend to achieve by pointing out his lapses in public? A wise woman would not say anything if she notices any breach of social etiquette by her husband while in the public. Instead she would keep quiet but take note of it for later reference.

Even at that, good wisdom demands that she applies caution when pointing out these lapses out to him. He may be younger than you but he is a man, your head and the leader of the team, hence demands your respect at all the time.

Don’t make him struggle for what legitimately belongs to him. He would keep fighting you with every weapon he has as the leader of this team even if it entails doing so in public.

On the issue of you going to school with him on weekends, what is the motive? Is it to monitor and keep him under check? Is it that you don’t trust him? There is no way you can stop any man or woman, for that matter, if determined to misbehave from doing so.

You must find a way of getting over the insecurity presented by your age to trust him. We all need certain amount of freedom to be who we are. Sincerely, he doesn’t need you dove-tailing him around. Being new in school, he needs to make new friends and find his own way. He doesn’t need a mother hen for a girlfriend, he needs a woman who understands and as his friend to be by his side.

If he didn’t secure admission into school, won’t you read on your own? Learn to read on your own or with friends who are also interested in going back to school if that is truly what you want.

Though he is expected to accord you your respect, but you must first give him his dues.

Your place as the woman is to be submissive.

What you are experiencing is normal. It happens when things are not going the way we expect. You think you are no longer in love with him because he has refused to fit into the jacket you have made for him. Anger and frustration is making you to change your feelings for him.

To help you appreciate him better, think of what things were like between the two of you when you started. What was it like? You both allowed your differences come between your needs of each other.

Terminate your relationship if after your discussions you feel it isn’t worth it and that you cannot cope with the issues nagging your relationship based on your age differences. This situation calls for absolute honesty. You must love each other sufficiently to be able to overcome the primary issue of age disparity. That is really the crux of the problem between you.

Good luck.

He Loves Me Only As Sex Tool

Dear Agatha,

Thanks a lot for the succour you daily give to many lives. God will bless you bountifully, I pray.

I am a young girl of 20 in a relationship of just six months old. Things have been going on well until three months ago when things changed dramatically between us. From calling me twice a week, he appears not to care if I exist any more.

The only time he remembers me is when he wants to have sex. It is only then he calls me to come over to him. In January he informed me that he wasn't feeling fine so I went over to his house to see him only to discover that he wasn't in. When I called him he told he went for a club meeting and that he was sorry that I didn't meet him at home.

He travelled in February and till now he hasn't deemed it fit to give a call. Something tells me there is another girl in his life.

Please help me. Should I continue with this relationship or quit? I so much love this man but don't know how to confront him over his wild behaviour?

Jenifer.

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Dear Jenifer,

How much premium do you place on yourself as a woman, especially a young girl of 20 with a whole life ahead of her?

If at this age, you have allowed yourself to be turned into a sex machine by a man who obviously has little or no regard for you, doesn't care about you and isn't interested in you beyond the thrills you give him in the bedroom, I shudder to think of the extend you would go when the clocks start ticking 30. Three out of six months, he has already had his fill of you! It calls to question the quality of your morality.

Ideally, six months into a relationship, he should still be struggling to make you trust him, not the other way round.

You are better off without this man. He isn't worthy of you. Give yourself some self-respect and allow him out of your life.

You really don't need such men in your life at all. It is imperative you focus more on the worth of your life vis-a-vis consolidating your educational drive, building up your dreams along the line of economic fulfillment as a woman as well as giving yourself the time to think of the type of marriage you want and the man who fits into the dream.

Chances are if you continue along the path you have chosen now, you may end up very frustrated later in life because there is more of his type out there. Each of them would come to take what you have to offer. This type of men don't marry girls like you, they just have them for the fun of it and go ahead to marry decent girls when they are ready to settle down.

They also don't have scruples and would always find one reason or the other to come back when on heat. Don't be a dumpsite for any man to off load his desire.

Clean up your act for the sake of posterity so that when he comes back he would meet a different, decent and responsible girl, one who in later years he would regret treating with disdain.

You are still a very fresh flower which men should naturally run after, and that you are the one questing after a man at your age leaves so much to be desired as well as call to question the type of life you want for yourself.

There is nothing anybody can do for you anymore. Your life is squarely in your palms. You have the choice to ruin it now or mend it in such a way, the man who ends up marrying you would be so proud of the woman you are.

Begin by ignoring him. From my experience, I understand all the passion of the youth, the rose-coloured tint life has at your age, the inordinate need to be free from rules and explore the timelessness of the whole wide wall. Trust me, the intoxication of the youth if not managed with wisdom leads to very fatal end. I am sure you don't want to end up being mocked by everybody, including the men who come to find fulfillment in your bosom.

There is nothing as demeaning to a woman's image to be viewed only as a mere object of pleasure. The world respects a woman who can stand on her own, has the determination to face the challenges of life without letting down her virtues.

By the time you are through with refurbishing your age for the better, you will be surprised at the quality of men that would queue at your door for your hands in marriage.

They won't dare to push sex as their main interest in you because by then you would be too valuable an asset to any man.

This is the time for you to plant, when you have the zeal, imagination and clarity of mind to think your best thoughts as well as plan your best investment options. Anyone who fritters away his or her youthful years, especially the 20s might never make it in life. If all that concerns you now were only on a man who cares no hoot about you, when would your own life concern you? When would you have the time to think of your life, of what you want to be in life and the many ways possible you intend getting there?

Your age still provides you with many workable alternatives. As you grow older, the choices get slimmer daily. If in your 20s, you allow yourself to be so disgracefully treated by a man, what would you do by the time you are in your 30s, when the choices of men get very limited? Take an advertorial to beg men to come to accept you into their lives?

If you don't learn how to give respect to your body now, no man would ever give you one. Men respond and treat a woman according to the signals she is transmitting. Granted some men might read for selfish reasons read the signal wrongly but they do get the clearer message from the picture quality the woman presents of herself.

Give yourself time to grow positively spiritually, emotionally and physically before getting into things that are not important.

This is not saying you can't have a boyfriend but learn to be responsible and focused. The only tools you need are a clear vision and determination to do things differently as well as remain faithful to yourself. Once you do this and cap it with a closer relationship with God, your happiness would mount as a young lady.

Good luck.

Dear Agatha,

If not for nothing else, God will bless you for souls that you have saved from earthly destruction through your column! May He use you for greater works than this? Both your secular and spiritual lives shall be blessed and you will be a wonder to our generation.

I am a regular reader of your column. My reason for reading you regularly is to draw from the fountain of knowledge the Lord has deposited in you for these times. I surround myself with virtually similar cases as you often treat. I often consult numerous books on counselling but none seem to fit our local set up. But believe me, your pieces of advice go a long way in sorting out numerous issues I sometimes face which seem to defy solution. May the Lord continue to give you the strength to continue the stronger the better in His Vineyard.

Be blessed.

Anthony.

I Avoid Virgins But My Fiancee Is One

Dear Agatha,

There is an issue I want you to help me with. In my secondary school days, I dated a girl whom I deflowered. Due to the very bitter way we parted and how she felt about the whole incident, I vowed never to go near a virgin again. I didn’t want either the hassle or attendant bitterness that follows especially on the part of the woman should the relationship go sour.

For a long time, I faithfully avoided girls who claim to be virgins but I am now in a big fix as the lady who has stolen my heart and I desperately want to spend the rest of my life with is a virgin.

Agatha, please instruct me on what to do because I can’t afford to lose this girl.

Kelly.

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Dear Kelly,

Just learn to love her and be sensitive to her needs. The first girl was bitter because naively she thought giving you her special seed automatically would make you hers for life.

Unfortunately being young and restless, her dreams suffered a major setback hence her bitterness towards you. Having built her dreams round both of you marrying when you left school, the rude shock of you leaving her after taking away her pride as a woman influenced whatever reactions she exhibited then.

The first cut is the deepest and every woman’s first experience remains her most memorable. This is why many women feel bitter when the man they agreed to share this memorable moment, passage to womanhood with, disappoints them. Just like the first cut, the pains are indelible and never really go away from the memory.

When a woman gives her first seed in life, her innocence to a man, she does so with trust, love and conviction that the man is special hence special to be accorded such honour.

In turn she expects the man having received her highest and most precious gift to treat her with care, love and friendship; to always place her high and above all others.
When he fails to treat her in accordance with her expectations, she feels hurt, bitter and very resentful. Some diabolically minded women have placed some men under heavy spiritual bondages following such disappointments.

Since you have made up your mind to marry your current girlfriend, you have nothing to fear. Tell her about your first time with a virgin and how that experience scared you into making a vow never to date a virgin for the rest of your life.

Share the irony of fate with her on how the woman you love so much and want to spend the rest of your life with turns out to be a virgin.

Let her share her fantasies with you, how she wants to be handled by her mind. Being a virgin doesn’t mean she lacks ideas of the process of love-making. Listening to her and encouraging her to talk about her ideas would give you a clear understanding of how to please her in that area. Taking in her ideas would help you both translate your feelings into something wonderful that transforms sex into spiritual bond between a man and woman; that elevates it to love-making.

Beyond that however is the greater challenge of helping your relationship grow along the lines of happiness and fulfillment in other areas.

Doubtless, a wonderful love life is priceless but can only remain so if other areas of the relationship are cemented to give it a solid foundation to withstand and repel other contending issues that come up in marriages. For instance, if you both have the wrong attitudes to things, are selfish, don’t care about the needs and sensitivity of the other people, lack understanding of what marriage entails, disrespectful of each other’s positions in the home, are impatient and irresponsible, no matter how wonderful your love life is, there is a slim chance of the marriage working out.

So beyond the worry of how to deflower her nicely, lies the thorny trial of ensuring you both raise the bar of your relationship to a level where issues that destroy promising marriages are no longer able to affect you both.

Therefore in discussing her sexual fantasies, also encourage her to talk about her idea of a good marriage. You must have an idea of how she desires to be treated by her husband in and outside the bedroom as well as her temperament. You in turn must let her know how you feel about women and the running of the home. What roles you expect your wife to play in the marriage. Frequent discussions of issues affecting your lives together would help you both arrive at a compromise that would keep your marriage together in peace and harmony.

Good luck.

My Wife-to-be Can’t Cook

Dear Agatha,

I will be getting married in the next three months by God’s grace but I have a huge challenge with my wife to-be who hates cooking. When she does produce meals they are not edible.

My problem is that I am a good cook so I don’t always allow her go into the kitchen. I find cooking very enjoyable and a favourite past-time.

Now she finds it difficult to cook even when I am not at home. My friends and neighbours think I am a coward and that this issue would cause a major setback to our marriage in the future.

Please tell me if I am wrong as well as how to handle my marriage later in life.

Chido.

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Dear Chido,

No matter how good you are in the kitchen or how much you enjoy cooking, it is the duty of the woman of the house to cook her husband’s meals.

A time would come, especially when the children come that it would be impossible for you to continue to cook for the family everyday. You can cook occasionally for them as special treats, but cooking for them all the time doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction at all. That is the job of the woman especially one that has the desire to keep her home secured from outside interferences and threats from other women who know how important good food is to the well-being of the man.

The truth is that though you enjoy cooking, a time would come when you would begin to resent her attitude towards the kitchen, when you would be busy trying to meet up with your own obligations to the family you won’t even remember to go to the kitchen to cook. Besides, there is no way you would feel right going to the kitchen to cook for your family members or friends when they come visiting while your wife sits pretty in the living room chatting with them.

Your pride as a man would not be able to withstand such scenario. After a while, even if you don’t mind, your pride and ego as a man would reject it and would begin to question your sanity as well as the injustice of the situation. Once you get to the point of reasoning the propriety of the situation, resentment and anger would set in; sure signs of emergence of huge fundamental problems at home.

Also, seeing the way your friends conduct their homes, how good their wives are in the kitchen would one day instigate a hunger to be cared for by your wife, to enjoy her cooking like every man you know. Then it won’t be such fun to you anymore to cook her meals; rather her attitude would become irritating, annoying and completely out of place.

Both of you should not wait to be resentful, to rebel against the idea of going into the kitchen because by then, your male ego might push you into a situation which though you would eventually regret but would nevertheless venture into out of suppressed anger. The pains of such wait would be too much to pay. You both may not be able to handle it. When issues like that happen in marriage, often than not, love isn’t always able to change the down slide, the bitterness from erupting or the pangs of pains from getting stronger.

Overtime too, your woman would feel lazy when it comes to going into the kitchen. This may not be intentional but the mind and body have a way of getting used to old habits hence find it absolutely difficult to make adjustments.

Therefore, before it becomes obvious to your family who would definitely make a very big deal out of this and use it to create tension in your marriage, this is just the apt time for you and your woman to deal with the issue once and for all.

Sit her down and discuss your job specifications in the home. Let her appreciate the fact that cooking doesn’t fall under your jurisdiction whatsoever; that you are only doing it simply because you enjoy it, which shouldn’t be misinterpreted by her as something you would continue to do after you are both married.

Underscore the need for her to learn as well as develop the interest to execute her nature assigned function. Let her know how much her effort would make you feel and how you cherish good meals, which was the reason you learnt how to cook in the first place.

Offer to teach her after you have listened to whatever reasons she has for not being able to cook. Whatever reasons or fears she may have developed along the line, even if you don’t think them important or valid, still help her get over the fears. Encourage her each time she makes an effort while still gently and lovingly pointing her to whatever deficiency you may have noticed.

Man’s greatest fear is that of rejection. Given her little or not culinary experience, she would naturally fear embarrassment at her effort.

Like a mother tasting the efforts of her child at cooking, set aside your taste of perfection, sense of sharp criticism to lend a hand of unconditional support. Allow yourself to be the guinea pig of her ‘kitchen practical.’ Don’t laugh, munch without flinching whatever is presented. Take as much as you can endure before pointing out her areas of mistake.

Go into the kitchen with her and give her practical lessons. Show her how to do it right. With time she would get the hang of it.

The best thing about this arrangement is she would not only eventually know how to cook as you do but all the meals you like and the way you like them.

Sincerely, you are not helping her by cooking the meals while she does the eating. The dictates of good home management demands you both teach each other things the other doesn’t know while still maintaining the balance of your roles as man and woman.

You can help cook the meals if she is indisposed while she too can help wash the car when you are not feeling up to it. This is the balance you must work to achieve always in your marriage.

Marriage is about discussing your differences with maturity, wisdom and not with anger. Being two different people with diverse upbringing, orientations, temperaments, attitudes and characters, there are bound to be points of tension. This is normal as you both try to find the equilibrium within which to operate.

If both of you are able to handle this matter with all the maturity as well as sincerity it deserves, it won’t cause any major upset.

It is not also about who is right or wrong but how we can make it better and work with minimal pain.

Mutual respect, friendship, trust, loyalty, dedication, tolerance, patience, responsibility, understanding, friendship, care, selflessness as well as complete faith in God are some of the qualities you both need to make a marriage work.

Once you do what you should do at the right time, everything would fall into place.

Good luck.

Hatred For His Family Dims Our Dream Love

Dear Agatha,

I hate my fiancÈ's family and that hatred is hampering our love. What should I do?

Worried Fiancee.

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Dear Worried FiancÈe,

Hate? I can identify with the word dislike. But to say you hate them? That is a very strong word to describe your feelings towards your would-be in-laws. Do you understand the import of the word hate at all? It means given the opportunity to kill any of them, you would! I am sure killing any of them isn't your intention.

You describe their son as your fiancÈ? Are you serious about marrying into this family? There is no way you can love their son and hate them (his family). You either learn to love them as you love their son or forget about marrying their son because you would eventually force your man to make the choice of choosing between you and his family.

Besides, whatever you hate about his family is also in him. You cannot divorce that thing from the person you claim to love. Your subconscious self is refusing to recognise that thing you hate so much about his family members because you love him.

This is because true love covers a multitude of sins, makes perfect that which is imperfect. Your love for this man has made him very perfect in your opinion. Therefore if you learn to love his family as much as you love him, whatever may be their fault, it would cease to matter to you.

Perfection is what true love brings into the lives of those it visits. You have it within your power to make this visitor permanent or exit your life the way it came. If you insist on loving only your man and hating his family, very soon you would find yourself all alone in the most distant corner of your husband's heart because the choice you will be forcing him to make would be one against his own identity and essence of being.

And when a man is forced to make the choice of his heart and his family, the woman in his life leaves him with very little choice but to follow the people he is familiar with, the people he grew up with, and known all his life.

Don't even make him think about this choice let alone make it because you would be the eventual loser.

Besides, if you love this man you would learn from this early beginning how to love everything about him. Just as your family is an integral part of you so also his family is important to him.

He lives in his family, just as you in yours.

A marriage doesn't strive on the interest of the two people involved only. It goes beyond them and extends to all the others involved.

There is no way your hatred would not affect your relationship because the feeling of love or hatred is powerful and can be felt by the person you have the feelings for. You risk not only destroying your relationship with this man but also creating severe problems for you later in your marriage.

No matter how deep your love for each other is now, a point would always come when you would need the support of someone in his family to kick-start your relationship with your man again.

Besides, having gone through the training of his family, you would always need an insider to give you valuable clues to his person, likes and dislikes.

You will always need help from within to keep him happy and by implication you too as well. You can only be said to enjoy your marriage if your partner is happy.

Besides, how would you feel if this man reciprocates your feelings for his family for yours? Would you be able to endure him loving you and hating your family at the same time? Would you be able to trust the person who claims to love you but finds it possible to hate those who are important to you? How would you feel?

What offence did his family commit to warrant your hatred for them? Look within your family, isn't it also guilty of the same crime? What about you, do you think you are perfect? How many times have you condemned your family for its shortcomings? How would you react if any of your brother's wives display this attitude you are putting up towards your own family?

If you truly love this man you would be able to forgive his family of any sin. Your position in his life is to reconcile him with his family in the event of a major disagreement not distant him from them.

Your position as his fiancÈ goes beyond being an ordinary girlfriend; you are almost his wife, a position that demands your constructive contribution to his life and welfare.

If the differences between you and his family are fundamental, discuss them with him as sincerely and objectively as you can. If he refuses to listen the first time, try again until he appreciates the inherent danger to you both in the future.

There is no way he would at first listen to you because when it comes to the issues of our families, we are all very sensitive. Your differences with them require wisdom to tackle without rocking the boat of your unity and happiness.

Remember, these are people you will have to live with all the rest of your lives hence cannot afford to rub them too hard on the wrong side.

Besides, since you would one day grow up to be an in-law to some persons, care must be taken on the type of seed you plant today because whether you like it or not, the fruit would grow, mature and be ready for harvest. There is no way you would harvest respect, love in place of the disrespect and hatred you are planting now.

It is for days like this you must reconsider whatever your would-be-in-laws have done to you and learns to love them unconditionally.

There is no way you can learn about their good qualities or them yours if you continue in your determination to erect this wall of hatred between you and them. It would always be a barrier, which even your children would find difficult to break down.

It would affect the way they treat your children, respond to them even in situations of rallying family support for them. The world is a very fragile place where anything and everything can happen within a twinkling of an eye. God gave us our families to be our shield, protector as well as support base in times like that.

With plenty of love in your heart you will overcome whatever challenge comes from two different people coming to make a home together.

You don't make enemies of your in-laws and expect to be happy with their child.

Whatever the problem is, once you make up your mind to let go and commit it to God, it will work.

Good luck.