I Want Another Child, But...

Dear Agatha,

I am in need of your help. I am married with two children. My husband and I planned to have three children before he fell sick several years ago. What do I do as I am worried?

Mrs. I.O.

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Dear Mrs. I.O.,

Your duty as his wife is to give him all the support he deserves to get back on his feet, not worry him about your earlier agreement to have three children.

Life doesn't always give us what we want. While it is within our jurisdiction to plan, it is the sole prerogative of God to give as He pleases. His plans are never wrong for us; they are always tailor-made to meet our capability.

While you have every right to be disappointed at your inability to execute your own plans with your husband, the fact remains that God never makes a mistake with his plans for us because He only sees and knows the end from the beginning. He has given you the number of children you, with or without your husband, can cater for at least for now.

With your husband's health the way he is, you doubtless carry more the responsibility at home. Even if he is extremely rich, what about the emotional investment involved in the training of children? Childcare goes beyond being able to send them to school or providing for their basic needs. It requires offering them the right emotional balance to make them whole. Most children who lack the emotional attention of their parents end up on the wrong side of the lane despite the material comfort of their homes. A lot of the dregs of the society you see today didn't begin their lives as urchins or 'area boys' and girls. They ended up being what they are today due to lack of emotional support from their parents, who either don't have time or can't cope with the number of children they have produced.

Before asking for more children, do you have the emotional balance to cope with an ailing husband as well as nursing a new child? Tending a sick person and nursing a baby doesn't go together for the simple reason that both require tremendous attention to get them going. Your husband would always need you to be there for him, to ensure he is comfortable, to give him love and encouragement to continue to live as well as the assurances that inspite of his condition, you are still loyal to the vows you entered into with him.

Candidly, pregnancy and a neo-natal in the bargain would give you little or no time to tend to your husband. Don't forget babies are attention seekers; actually demand to at the centre of their mother's universe. A baby would drain you of whatever energy you have to care for your husband, to give him the best of yourself at a time he needs you the most.

For now, a baby would only leave a huge gulf between you and your man on his sick bed. Your husband's health may not be able to cope with not having your full attention. If you are honest you know from experience how hard it is for women to still give the best of themselves to their husbands once a baby appears on the scene. Most women simply transfer the attention and affection they have for their husbands to their babies. Many problems couples have with their marriages emanate from this neglect because the abandoned man either begins to suspect his wife of having an affair or goes into the waiting and affectionate arms of a woman who would appreciate him.

Marriage isn't all about making babies. It goes beyond that. It is essentially about companionship. While couples can be happy together without having a child, no couple can remain together even if they have all the children in the world without the right companionship. This is the right time for you to give your husband the right companionship by using the opportunity offered by his sickness to reorganise your relationship. I am sure there are certain aspects of your relationship you wished you had more time to work on. His sickness may be a blessing in disguise to give you both ample time to work out your differences, celebrate your uniqueness as a couple as well as redefining your relationship.

We all need time to make us better. Look at him, what do you see? Do you see regret at marrying him or joy at the rare opportunity of having this time out with him? If joy is what you see, not having more children wouldn't bother you because in him, you see your fulfilment as a woman; you can only worry about not having more children if you regret the decision to marry him and is therefore looking at the children as a form of compensation.

If you are really happy with him and appreciate the God you serve, you should count yourself lucky that you had two children before he became sick. If you are this worried that you have two children instead of the three you agreed on before his health deteriorated; what would you have done if he were unable to give you any child? Abandon him to his fate or have children outside your marriage?

Sincerely, I don't understand the reason for your worry. It isn't as if you are barren or to blame for your husband's health condition.

Your worry is misplaced. As a woman whose husband isn't in the best of health, your concern should be for him to get back on his feet to give you the support to train the children the way they should be trained.

Your duty to him transcends giving him more children. You should be praying for him, asking for help regarding a cure for his sickness, giving him all the encouragement to be happy so as not to fall into depression. The danger of your worry is that you would be unable to pray for him, give him all the encouragement he needs to be happy; invest in his emotional stability as his wife. Worry depreciates the ability of a person to think rationally. If you are not careful, you risk making a costly mistake that would destroy your marriage.

To be truthful, he doesn't need you to remind him of his condition. This is the time for you to be unconditional in giving to him. It is called sacrifice for the sake of the overall well being of the home.

He hasn't said, he doesn't want to get you pregnant but his condition, something he didn't plan for and which has left him half of his former self, is limiting him from performing his role as your husband. What then do you intend to achieve by reminding him of the agreement you both went into when he was hale and hearty? Do you want to tell him he is incapable of satisfying you? In his shoes how would you feel if instead of concentrating effort on ensuring you regain your health, he is busy worrying about your inability to give him more children? What would you think of him? What if he gives you the child and dies? Of what use would that be to you?

Be careful, you don't give him the impression that you don't care about his health or his well being. It would be so fatal an impression because not only would he lose complete interest in you but begin to suspect your motive of marrying him as well as the spiritual angle to his state of health.

This is Africa where spiritual interpretation is always given to anything. To be truthful with you, if you carry this agitation for a baby too far at this point in time, you risk being pointed to as a suspect in his present condition.

Even if you think he would not survive this sickness, common sense requires you still give him all your loyalty and optimism for his recovery. Since he is a part of you, your faith could heal him completely if you pray him into it.

Good luck.

Zero Sincerity Over Her Virginity Makes Vanity Of Our Deal

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I am 27 years old while my girl is in her mid 20s.

I relocated to the United States of America (U.S.A.) to go further on my education, when our relationship was two years old. We love each other dearly and made a vow to hold on to each other.

She was a virgin when I left her but few days after my arrival we eventually made love and I noticed she never bleed, as traditional for a woman making love for the first time. This made me angry and at the same time curious to know if it's naturally possible for a virgin not to bleed at her first sexual intercourse. She claimed to have bled in the bathroom hours later, a claim I still doubt. I would like to hear your opinion about this issue because our relationship is going through tough times at the moment. I don't really think I trust her anymore.

O.Y.

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Dear O.Y.,

Yes, it is possible for a woman not to bleed at her first sexual experience if she is an energetic woman, who engages in physical exercises. She could also have her hymen broken, a fragile thin mucous membrane that partially or completely seals up the opening of the vagina.

Women, who indulge in exercises or are into sports, more often than not, unknowingly have this membrane broken before they actually have sex. Sometimes a tampon could also break it without the woman knowing she has lost her seal. That however doesn't make her less of a virgin like the woman whose membrane is still intact.

It could also be true that she bleed later. This is because the body is built differently. Because of the delicate nature of the membrane it is not a completely foul-proof tool to judge if a woman is a virgin or not.

Rather, the nature of her body at the point of penetration would tell if she is freshly initiated or an experienced one. Granted that some women have zeroed in on some methods to keep their bodies tight, but an experienced man would know the fake from the real one. A woman making love for the first time would be tight all the way and would feel a certain apprehension at the point of contact, no matter how considerate the man is.

It is a natural instinct against hurt and pain. A certain tension and apprehension come with the first thrust.

Beyond all these is the issue of trust. Sometimes, we need to look beyond the evidences of things we see to make a relationship work. What is most important to you in this relationship? Her virginity or her person? At this crucial time that your relationship is going through crisis, you need deep reflections to save it from the abyss.

Since there is no physical evidence to prove she has kept to her side of the bargain, you just have to rely on what you know of her before this unfortunate episode.

Is she the type of woman who is capable of lying to you? Has she ever lied to you or told half truths? In your years together at least up to the point at which you both made love, has she ever given you any reason to doubt her loyalty to you or regret having anything to do with her?

What are the qualities you like the most about her? Can you find them in another woman?

Have you considered challenging her with your suspicions; telling her pointblank what you think of her story and what you suspect? Telling her how you feel and what you think of her story as well as your possible line of action may make her tell you the complete truth concerning what she did while you were away.

A lot would also depend on your ability to forgive her because if she suspects you may never forgive her, she may not tell you the whole truth.

Sincerely, only your ability to forgive and forget the incident can help you both move forward because at this point, nothing she says, telling the truth or lie, that would ever make you believe she didn't cheat on you. You simply have to rely on the viability, desirability as well as importance of your dreams together to continue with her.

Good luck.

His Body Refuses To Touch Mine, Even In Bed

Dear Agatha,

I am 27 years of age. There is this man I am dating who takes delight making love to other women but refuses to have anything to do with me. I am happened to know all about his other affairs.

Whenever I spend the night at his place, I feel the deprivation of his refusal to touch me.

I suspect he is tired of me. I am equally frustrated at his behaviour.

My major challenge now is the fear of remaining faithful to him if we end up marrying. I don't want a situation where after marriage I would go out to sleep with other men on account of my man refusing to make love to me. I don't know what I have done wrong.

Each night we sleep on the same bed is torture for me. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me.

Fatima.

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Dear Fatima,

When you both started, what was the agreement between you? Did you, at any point, tell or give him the impression that you would rather wait until your wedding night before giving your body to him? Did you react violently or unwillingly at any point to his touch? At the very nascent days of your relationship what views did you both exchange on premarital sex?

That he is unwilling to have sex with you, and he does it with other women, which shows what happened while negotiating the terms of your relationship.

If he went away with the impression that you prefer to preserve yourself for him until your wedding night, in order not to offend you, he would continue to avoid you, not because he doesn't desire you in the way men desire women or love you but out of respect for your person.

His attitude may be influenced by fear of losing or defaming you. His idea could be that of preserving his best for the last. He might be sleeping with other women because, unlike you, he cannot put himself under the same discipline. That he is chasing after the flesh of the other women isn't enough evidence to assume he doesn't love or care about you. He is having all these affairs because he lacks the will to be disciplined. This happens mostly where the man isn't convinced about the reason for his woman's refusal to have sex with him before marriage but allows her be, due to his love for her.

Viewing his refusal to make love to you as an act calculated at causing your pains or at making you quit the relationship would get both of you nowhere. What would rather help you is developing the maturity to deal with the issue at sake.

There is no way he would know how you feel if you don't tell him about your desires. If you want him to make love to you, tell him the truth about what you want, your desire to share an intimacy with him. Let him know that whatever you may have said or impression given earlier no longer holds.

Relationships strive only on outright honesty. Unless there is an aspect of this relationship you are not telling me, there is nothing stopping you from telling him what you want. When two people are in love and in a relationship, there should be no pretences or hidden desires. Pride only destroys what is meant to be beautiful, since sex is so much of an issue with you, why pretend you are okay with the arrangement you both have? If you are unhappy that he is giving himself to other women when you should be the one getting all of him, of what use is you pretending that all is well when in actual fact you are hurting so much inside of you? It doesn't make any sense or serve any purpose beyond destroying a relationship you obviously desire.

Be bold to get your view across to him. Tell him precisely what you think of him as a person, including your desires for the relationship. Listen to his reasons too. This would enable both of you come to an agreement that would make both of you extremely happy.

Your relationship is not what about anybody or group of persons feel but what works for you. You and your boyfriend are at the centre of this; nobody feels what you feel or appreciate the issues more. When you are truthful to yourself at all times, you will learn to be happy.

Even if you leave him for another man and still refuse to be honest in that relationship, you will still have the same problem. It is either you are in a relationship and do everything to make it work or out of it by pretending to be who you are not.

Not everybody has the discipline to resist sex and be happy. The danger of bottling up so much is falling when you least expect. If you don't speak now on the issue, you may not have to wait until you are married to start an affair with someone else. Somebody somewhere may catch you in one of your moods and before you know it find yourself giving in to his demands. You only get to feel the remorse after it has happened by which time the damage would have been done. By then, it would be too late for your boyfriend to reason with you or understand how you feel. Sex is a huge temptation which must never be allowed to grow wings before it is addressed logically.

Good luck.

My Dream Too Little For Her Wild Ambition

Dear Agatha,

Do I keep dating a woman who has told me she aspires for a better life than I can offer? Or do I keep pleading with her with the hope she would understand one day? I am into education while she aspires for the corporate world.

Olusola,

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Dear Olusola,

Of what use would it be to try to force her to stay with you when she has been very honest with you? In you, she sees no future for herself. She has told you that you are not in a position, no thanks to your choice of profession, to give her what she wants from life.

Even if you are hurt by what she has told you, commend her for her honesty. A lot of women would have stringed you along without you knowing until she found someone else. That she told you is because she doesn't want you to lean too much on her, take her too serious on a relationship that she has no plan to keep.

Even if you change your career to suit what she wants, she doesn't have the type of love you require from a woman to make you succeed in your marriage and life. A man requires a woman to support his dream, to belief in him, to understand what makes him happy and unique. Without the right woman in his life, chances of him making it in life are very slim. From her position, it shows that she isn't the right one for you and would never be able to give you the type of home and peace you require to face the challenges of the outside world and life generally.

The worst kind of life a man can live is to have a woman who doesn't belief in him or his dreams. Ask men who have such women by their sides; they never get to make it the way they should in life. The attitude of the woman limits them eventually.

Trust me, over time, this woman would diminish you personally if you persist on having her. There would be nothing more demoralising for you to have this woman who has told you in plain terms she doesn't think you are in a position to offer her what she wants from life. The truth is even if you succeed in making her stay, you will never be able to make her happy at all. You would always have to struggle against her desires throughout your lifetime and the chances of you being able to please her with whatever you offer her are slim because deep down in her heart and soul, the grass on your side will never be as green as those she has in her dreams. Frankly, this would be a no win situation for you since you would be forced at a point to swallow your pride, as a man, to keep her happy due to fear of you losing her.

Rather than waste time on a venture that would give you pains, let her go now. The pains of today would one day go when you find the right kind of woman who is happy with your choice in life, as an educationist.

The worth of any person is measured by the quality of happiness he or she gets from his or her chosen career. There is no way you can really apply yourself to managing your home or other things if you are limited in terms of support for your career right inside your home.

Her declaration is your cue to begin to request from God to give you the right woman as well as an opportunity to thank Him for saving you from your own desires. Not many men are as lucky as you to escape marital doom.

In addition, her stance shows she is being influenced by another kind of relationship, an attraction that has opened her eyes to the many faults she perceives to be in your own choice of a career and the limits which in her opinion it places on her dreams in life.

At God's own appointed time, He would send a woman whose only duty would be to celebrate you. When she comes along, she would see the many hidden opportunities and treasures in you which many don't see because they were not meant to see them.

All you have to do is pray and wish this one all the best in her determination to hunt for the man of her dreams.

Good luck.

Must I Continue With An HIV Positive Girl?

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady I am in love with. We have been dating for eight years. We recently went for an HIV test and she tested positive while I am negative. Her family members are insisting I marry her.

I am so confused and don't know what to do or how to go about the whole thing. Please help me.

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

This is indeed a very knotty issue to untangle, but not without a solution if the two of you are honest. And also if you know what you both want from life.

Have you two been sexually involved in your eight years of being together? If yes, at what point? Did you go through blood transfusion? How did she contact the virus when you are not? Notably, is how you both feel about each other? This issue is not about what her family wants or yours, for that matter, but what you both want. Nobody has the right to pressure you into marrying someone you don't want and in this matter; it is beyond what anybody wants.

The big question is you, your feelings and attitude towards the entire development. The decision is yours to make in the sense that you are the one that would have to live with her, who has to make the sacrifices as well as the adjustment to do things differently. The question I am going to ask you, is how much is your love for her worth?

It is the worth of your love that would determine the step you take now. Do you love her enough to stand by here through thick and thin? Give up part of your freedom for her to be happy?

Recent medical breakthrough has removed the death sentence formerly placed on people living with HIV. It is no longer the end of the road but the beginning of positive living habits. Everyday, the medical world is coming up with new drugs which in the no distant future reduce HIV to the status of common headaches or malaria.

Simply put, because it has been painted to be the darkest medical nemesis of man doesn't mean it is now without medical solutions.

With retroviral drugs, you and your woman can have HIV positive children. If she isn't on drugs and management programme already, she should seek medical attention. These drugs work to isolate the virus load on the human system. When the load is at its lowest or non traceable, a couple can met without the aid of condom with the purpose of getting pregnant. The baby is delivered through caesarian to ensure the mother's blood isn't passed to it at birth.

The only freedom you would be giving up is the desire to make love without having to wear condoms most of the time. As a couple you can still do all the other things couples do together. What more, due to the peculiarity of your circumstance, you both are most likely to be closer than the average couples in the sense that being involved in the management of her health, you are always together.

But you can only see the sliver lining in it if like I said; you love this woman unconditionally and are ready to support her.

She represents eight solid years of your life. Years that gave you so much happiness else you wouldn't still be together. Years of building dreams and planning for the future; eight years of labour to fine-tune each other to the persons you are now. You both have invested so much, time, emotion, money and a lot of inestimable moments to get to where you both are. You must have built a measure of trust to have put up with her for those numbers of years. Do you suspect her of anything? Do you think she got the virus from another man?

You have to be certain so as not to condemn her unjustly. Right now, she is going through a lot of psychological turmoil, leaving her without any just cause would only kill her. You would only be justified if you leave her on account of unfaithfulness to you but if she got it through another means you and I could be easy victims of, it would be unfair.

Before you take any decision, look deep into your mind beyond today, to the future when our feelings over certain things are not as rigid as they used to be. Those are the days of plenty regrets, when ifs and had I known pepper every sentence we make; when we have to live permanently in the past to get going.

Think, how would you feel if you see her then still alive and happy in her new life? You would make the best choice if you elect to look beyond her positive status to those qualities inside of her. Pray and let God guide your steps. He only has the right answer to all our problems.

Good luck.

I'm Dying For A Club Girl

Dear Agatha,

It is extremely painful having to share this with you, but I need help. In 2007, I met my girlfriend in a club house. Because of the feelings I have for her, I counselled her to stop patronising the club and that I would do whatever it takes to make her happy. My intention was to make her feel 'wanted' and as well a woman of honour among her friends.

Little did I know that I was digging my own grave! She didn't stop and so was persisted in sleeping with any man who does as much as smile at her even though she comes around me.

I went to her graduation party where she gave me the disgrace of my life. In her room, unknown to me was her latest catch. Because of him, she completely ignored me. I got really angry and slapped her for treating me in that manner, a development that made her new catch and I fight. That night, she left to sleep with him while I spent the night in her hostel room on my own.

The funny thing is that I still love her. What do I do?

Andrew.

 

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Dear Andrew,

Some love stories are more of painful sacrifices than good feelings. If you want this girl desperately in your life, you must be prepared to tolerate and endure emotional pains as well as torture till she is ready to see things your way.

From what you have said, it would be a pure waste of time to tell you not to continue to love her. Besides, some kinds of love are meant to happen outside the scale of norms. Yours is a typical example of falling in love outside standard procedure.

Trust me, this isn't going to be the usual bed of roses, no, this would come with all the hard thorns that would not only pierce your skin but perforate your blood vessels in the process of breaking and mending her. And violence is certainly off limit. You cannot convince her to stay or make her change her mind when you violate her person physically.

Whatever her offence may be, you didn't have to slap her. It was very wrong of you especially as you are trying to reform her ways. Your action is also a bit worrisome in that it showcases you as a man lacking in self-control as well as unsure of himself.

To lead a woman, a man must be self-assured, calm and calculated, like a panther. A more assured man would have calmly studied his opponent with all the niceties in the world before walking away from the scene.

That you didn't show you may not have what it takes to bend this particular difficult iron. Before taking on this, there is the need for you to ask yourself what precisely you like the most about her. This would help you stay focused in times of pains and dejection like the one you are currently facing with her.

You also have to work out a time frame, a reasonable period of transition for her. This is because until the point you met her, she was free to do as she pleased. She was only accountable to herself and her desires. It would take a while for her to learn how to submit herself to the orders of any man as well as conduct herself in a relationship that is not money or sex induced.

Therefore, you must be willing to give her transit without applying undue pressure on her. You allow her time to grow of her own freewill into the relationship because you are the one who wants her to change. Remember, she still doesn't see anything wrong with her lifestyle or in what she is doing. You are the one who has the desire as well as the dreams of making her yours by ensuring she abandons her known way of life. You are also the one who has the opinion that her ways are wayward and unbefitting.

She doesn't have such qualms about her lifestyle. So time must be given for fusing your very diverse ways of thinking to enable your way of reasoning make meaning to her.

This is why you must be careful; develop the patience of a teacher in a kindergarten class. Until she sees reason with you, you cannot afford to be too hostile, pushy or intimidating. Once you lose patience, you are not providing her with any reason to change because in her current world, men court her with money for the privileges you want free of charge. This is a stark reality you must never lose sight of if you want her by your side.

Again, you have to think of your ability to cope with the social stigma associated with having something permanent with a club girl. This is the vital issue you must munch over and over again before you take a firm decision. Can you tolerate the attendant embarrassment all the time or the sharp opinions of people on the matter of your sanity at going for a woman many would definitely consider morally bankrupt.

Before you go far, what are you going to tell your parents? Do you have the stamina to resist their attack and opposition? Can you endure the possibility of your entire family isolating you on account of the woman you married?

Would you be able to endure the attitude of some of your friends who may assume because of her past history can be available to them if their offer is right?

Besides, having met her in the club, you must also consider the possibility of running into other men who were her former clients who still nurse the ambition of getting close to her. What do you think your actions would be? Would you be tempted at such occasions to beat her up or consider it as one of those things and continue as before? Would you have the maturity and understanding to see it as one of the many sacrifices we make for love? Would you ever be able to trust her, not always thinking her capable of going back to her old ways? Do you have the resources to make her happy at least until she indicates interest in settling down with you?

Frankly, this woman may not present as much problems as you are capable of generating in this relationship in the sense if you are able to overlook certain things, tolerate any situation her past presents, give of yourself unconditionally and selflessly, trust with the innocence of a child, it would be almost impossible for you to stay with this woman.

Continue with her if your male ego can withstand the initial many humiliations and competitions you would encounter with her. Stay with her, if deep down you see the priceless gem in her, which everybody around her is currently blind to.

One way you can help her is not to begin on the premise of a relationship. You must first befriend her as an understanding friend, one who is interested in her person and not her body. This is the only way to earn her trust, to tell her that you have something different to offer her, the type of love she has never experienced in life.

Make her crave for you and your company by finding out what she likes as a person, why she went into what she is doing and telling her you understand her reasons even if you don't support them.

Help her to realise the inherent dream she gave up for this type of lifestyle. A journey through her past, her innocent years would help in no small way in moulding how she sees herself from this point.

The essence of you being her friend is also to make her path ways with some of her club friends. This is something you have to do without her catching in on your motive, since she could rebel against the idea of you trying to take over her life completely.

Before she became a club girl, she had dreams, telling her those dreams are not dead and can be resurrected if she has the determination, could help begin to think and have hope in herself again. Many times, women who opt for that lifestyle do it due to the pressures or circumstances they find themselves and not because they enjoy it. They only pretend to enjoy it out of fear of going back to the world that has become hostile to them due to their lifestyle. More often than not, what they require to change completely is someone who believes in them and isn't ashamed to identify with their failures. This is the role you should play now in her life, the role of a mentor and friend.

If, at the end of the day, it doesn't work out between the two of you romantically, she would remember the positive impact you had on her life and if it does, learn to be proud of her always. In addition, resist the temptation to make reference to her past if and when you have a dispute at any point in the relationship.

Also, once an issue is tackled, let it be. It would also be of value to you, never sleep over any disagreement. For your kind of situation, it is pertinent that trust is kept alive at every point.

Once both of you are able to get round the issue of her past and have established a friendship that can consume all odds.

Importantly, you should pray that God gives you all the wisdom and tolerance to help her come out of her lifestyle.

Good luck.

My Brother's Ex Finds Better Love In

Dear Agatha,

My problem is that I am dating a girl that was my younger brother's ex girlfriend. We were all in the same school but was my brother's classmate.

She left the school for another school, a development that made my brother to start misbehaving. He stopped calling or visiting her. Then I acted as the peacemaker between them. I tried bringing back the two of them but it was obvious at a point that my brother has lost interest in her.

Up to that point we were simply friends and we stayed that way well over one year. It was after she wrote her Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations that we actually started dating. Even at that, it was not deliberate or planned. We simply found ourselves gallivanting towards each other.

Our relationship is a year plus now but her classmates now call her names. They are accusing her of dating two brothers. I love this girl so much and don't want to lose her.

But I don't know if it is right for us to be in such a relationship or not? I am so confused because she still tells me she loves me but does not know what to do either. Please I need your help urgently before she goes back to her school in Malaysia.

Wizzy.

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Dear Wizzy,

Morally, it isn't right to date any person your sibling has been involved with. More often than not, it creates a huge problem within the family especially if there was a sexual relationship involved.

Friends calling her names are basing their judgement of the situation on what is right and not because you are both in love. There is an oddity in the arrangement, whereby you who once played the in-between role, is now on the driver's seat.

Even though your brother called off the relationship, it would be hard to explain how you took over his former girlfriend.

If you must continue in this relationship, it is important you take your brother along. Yes, love happens in very abnormal situations and circumstances but wisdom has to be applied at every moment to prevent such an odd circumstantial relationship from collapsing on the people involved.

The fact that this involves your brother makes all the more important for you to consider all the variables before the two of you go too far.

What are your plans for her in this relationship? It won't be fair if you also dump her after a while like your brother did as this would not only affect her already battered reputation but leave her devastated in the whole. Do you love her in that special way a man should love a woman? Do you respect her? Do you trust her to the extent you would leave her in the company of this same brother without feeling the two would commence anything behind you?

Sincerely, this relationship is more about what you want than what she wants in the sense that you are the one with the most baggage. You are the one who has to contend with the knowledge of your brother's former interest as well as relationship with her; you are the one who may have a dissatisfied brother behind the scene; you are the one who would always worry about trust; who has to deal with the discomfort of wondering if you can trust a woman who has once dated your brother to be absolutely loyal to you. These are issue you must deal with now, cannot afford to sweep under the carpet if this relationship is to survive beyond this moment.

Also, it is important you answer as objectively as you can these questions too. Are you simply dating her to continue from where your brother stopped or because you really feel something for her? Sincerely, if you have no plans for her, don't know why you want her to stay in your life beyond the good feelings it gives you to have her with you allow her go with the dignity she still has.

I understand all the emotions she is going through now, not knowing what your intentions are for her or if you want her for keeps. Given the attitude of her friends concerning your relationship, a lot of issues she may have deliberately ignored all these while, have understandably begun to bother her. And unless she gets clear signal from you, telling she wasn't wrong to have fallen in love with the brother of the man she was once dated; get confirmation that your interest in her isn't fleeting but solid, she could change her mind about leaving you.

She can only have the confidence to stay on and challenge her friends if she knows you feel all the things a man should feel for his woman for her and for the right reasons. Right now she is feeling she may have made a costly mistake in her life by following her heart and not her head. It is now left up to you to give her all the assurances in the world to neutralise those fears her friends' concern and opinions are generating in her.

Rather than feel bad about what your friends are saying about your relationship; you and your woman should see it as a blessing in disguise, an opportunity for both of you to reposition your relationship before you go too far.

Good luck.