My Family Gangs Against My Dream

Dear Agatha,

I urgently need your help over this emotional dispute I am experiencing. Three years ago, I met this girl whom I fell in love with from the very first moments because I knew she was the right woman for me.

After a while, I made known my intentions to her and my family members who went with me to see her family members to perform some traditional marital rites.

However, a year after this ceremony, my family suddenly told me they were no longer in support of us getting married. When I demanded to know why the change in their position, no reason was given to me other than to insist she wasn't the right woman for me.

When I insisted that it was either this woman or no other woman, they disowned me. I am so confused because I don't know what to do again.

Disturbed Man.

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Dear Disturbed Man,

For your family to take such a drastic decision, they must have observed certain disturbing trends in her. There is no smoke without fire. But because you are at the center of it all, you may not know until it might be too late.

Even though they are wrong not to have told you pointedly why they are insisting on their current position; I am sure before you all got to this point, they must have mentioned one or two things they don't like about her.

There is no way they would have taken this monumental decision without giving you an inkling of their new position about her different from the time you went for the traditional marriage.

Can you think objectively about anything they have kept complaining about which you consider irrelevant? What conditions gave them the advantage to study her with such intimacy to make them come to this conclusion? Do you both live with your parents or other family members? If you both stay within the family compound or in the same place where other members of your family live, there is no way this wouldn't happen. This is because she is still a stranger with ways and manners quite different from what your family is used to.

When a stranger, especially a woman comes to live with her in-laws; there is always the tendency of both of them ending up with bitter feelings because of the different ways they view things. For instance your family would want her to instantly begin to behave like them while she may not see any reason to change the way she does things to please them.

What you would tolerate as her man, the patience and understanding to help her acclimatise, your family members would never have. So a conflict of emotions and interest is bound to come to play.

As a wise man, your place is not to aggravate the situation because both your wife and members of your family are important components of your existence hence you need to be diplomatic when dealing with either of them.

Even though you can pretend that your family isn't important; it is only for a while because whatever you are, they factored into you those qualities that attracted your wife to you. Yes one gets to an age when all laws recognise and bow to individual rights as well as decisions but for one to be happy, it has put into consideration the views of others. It is important even when you know you aren't prepared to take in their suggestions you still show respect for them. This is because a time would always come into your relationship with your partner when only the love and support of your family members would help you carry on.

No matter how smooth sailing a relationship appears to be from the beginning there are always invisible bumpy rides to be encountered; challenges that would involve one or two other persons interventions.

It is because of a time like this you need to exercise caution with the way you react to your family's position. Even when apparent that they are out to hurt you by going a different way from yours, still exercise the patience to understand their reasons for it. After all, it isn't as if your family has someone lined up for you or against your marriage except to say they are withdrawing the support they freely gave you initially to marry this lady.

If for nothing else, go back in time to when they gladly went with you to her family; escorted you to perform some traditional rites. Something fundamental must have taken place between then and now. What about your girlfriend what does she knows about the situation? Being at the center of this whole drama, she must have been told one thing or the other by certain members of your family for her to know that things aren't the same any more between her and them. Ask her if she did anything wrong or behaved in a way that must have brought about this gang-up. At least someone should be able to say something in her defense can you identify who the weak chain is in your family that would honestly tell you what happened if she still insists on her innocence?

Or is the matter a simple case of her not being able to get pregnant? When in-laws withdraw their support totally, it is either the woman is completely bad or unable to give them a long expected grandchild. Find out which is yours? If it is a simple case of not being able to get pregnant, let your family know that much as you appreciate their concern; that you and your woman should be left to decide when the babies would come.

In sourcing for a solution that would be permanent; you may have to take some far reaching decisions that you may have currently left hanging. One is the accommodation arrangement. Where do you both live? Is it in your family house? If yes, you are not only being unfair to this young lady and also to your relationship. There is no way you both can ever hope to get the type of happiness and motivation to succeed while domicile in the cocoon of your family's embrace. Without meaning to, they would always have reasons to interfere and in the process make complicated things between you and your woman. Even though the motive may be good but the result is never what they intend because most things in life don't end up the way we plan them from the onset.

She too may not have set out to be rude or act in whatever negative ways she is being accused of by your family but your family could end up with the wrong end of the stick and bluntly refuse to listen to the voice of reason.

Unless you who brought the two parties together have the determination to remain neutral and take some seemingly difficult decisions now, everybody would end up fighting each other. Take her away as soon as possible from the proxy of your family members. You and your woman should begin a new life in another place until the situation thaws. Often time when people keep their distances, time comes to their aid to make perfect those things that were never wonderful. Repairs come in our relationship when space is given for people to maul over their hurt, disappointment and also have regrets at what would have been. It is only after all these emotions are expressed before genuine healings can begin. So for now, don't attempt to push anything because they will never listen to the voice of reason.

If when you went for the traditional rites, you paid her dowry, it means under native laws and customs you are both married hence the issue of you leaving her is absolutely out of the question.

While insisting you cannot leave her, find a way of getting someone in your family to support you. There is no way her rejection among your family members can be total. Someone would certainly not totally go with them so find that person out to help you water down the resistance. The motive is not to get them to support your decision to go ahead with the marriage but to prevent permanent strain between you and your family. A door of communication must be left opened for the future.

This is because a time would certainly come when you would either need them or they would need you for one important favour or the other. If the door is closed firmly now against such development neither of you may find the right key to open the door again. The result of such is permanent hatred within the family. Besides, as one too wishing to have children as well as leave behind a good legacy, you must be careful about the seed you sow today in the lives of others.
This is because nobody ever prays for disaffection to happen between his or her children. Therefore you must apply a lot of caution in the handling of this type of crisis.

You can only be justified if they all remain adamant and very uncompromising, but even at that, refrain from saying or doing anything that would further complicate the situation. Beyond telling them that you should be left alone to sail or sink with the only woman who makes you very happy, don't be rude or say anything in anger because anything said in anger may never be reversible again.

As for your woman, insist she stays clear of whatever the issues are and that even if your family members insist on being rude to her or refuse to respond to her greetings or courtesies, she should not stop greeting them.

Even though she is the reason for their attitude, she should not allow herself to be the continued cause of enmity between you and them.

Importantly, in the interest of your union, don't ignore whatever you find out may be the reason for their behaviour. For the sake of your peace of mind as well as the health of your home, work on the problems long before you begin to notice them yourself. And one way of ensuring you are able to cope is by learning to accept them as integral part of the woman you have expressed the wish to spend the rest of your life with.

And once you commit everything to the hands of God, no matter what the problems are, they will disappear.

Good luck

Can I Win His Heart Back To The Old Loving Days?

Dear Agatha,

I have a boyfriend whom I love so much. When my father was very sick and needed blood; he donated his blood for him (my father) to live. But now he shows absolutely no interest in me. What can I do to keep him by my side because I love him so much?

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

There is nothing you can do to keep a man who is no longer interested in having you around him. That he donated blood to your father doesn’t translate to something permanent between the two of you. His decision had nothing to do with what he felt for you but because he felt the need to save a life.

In life we do things for different reasons. God made him available at the time your father needed blood to help your father recover.

Everyday people donate blood to people they don’t even know. So to think because he did that for you he must stay attached to you goes against the principle of love.

A lot of things may have made him change his mind about you. For instance, your attitude may not appeal to him as he once thought it was. You may have begun to assume too much as well as take things for granted based on your thinking that simply because he gave his blood to your father, he would never have the heart to leave you no matter how badly you behaved.

Nobody likes being taken for granted. While you may not honestly think you are assuming too much, certain attitudes we put up in a relationship make the other person question his or her sanity at what he or she is getting into.

For you to understand what went wrong, take a deeper look at your attitude when you met and now. At what point did you begin to notice the changes in the relationship? Did it happen after he gave your father blood?

Was it at that point you started acting as if you owned him, body and spirit?

Or did you do overkill, suffocating him with too much love and attention, which, to him, seem more like gratitude than two people in a relationship? Something definitely changed between the time of the blood donation and now to make him have a rethink about the relationship.

Only an honest approach to all the issues involved would help you get to the bottom of it all.

In doing so, you must be very honest. At what time did he promise you something everlasting? What promises did you start out with? To understand his reason, you must go back to the basis; to the promises you exchanged in the beginning.

If after you have examined yourself and comes to the conclusion that you are to blame for the disparity in your relationship, don’t hesitate to approach him for a discussion, one engineered towards achieving lasting solutions between the two of you. Even where you think he is to be blamed, if you really love him, still go to him to find out why he thinks both of you should end the relationship without trying to mend your fences.

If you think his love is worth fighting for, go to him with the sole aim of making the relationship work.

For a relationship to work, one of the parties must be ready to play the peacemaker until the other person comes to see reason as to why things must be done differently. This is because two captains cannot control the boat at one given time. One must be allowed to stay in charge for a relationship to work.

Also it could be he has some challenges he is going through personally. In this type of situation, he would appreciate your concern as the woman in his life. Such appropriative concerns, when one is going through crisis, are not only helpful in being able to cope with the situation but are also appreciated afterwards.

Unless you ask him with a mind that shows that you want to help, you may not achieve much with him.

He would only open up to you if convinced you are for real and not out to patronise him on account of your selfish ambition of wanting to keep the relationship at all cost.

Also, there is no time that is too early to commence prayers. Begin now, ask God to help you make the right choice of a life-partner. Once God sanctions your choice, whatever the challenges that come would be taken care of by Him through strength and wisdom that come from above.

Good luck.

Can Age Disparity Between My Boss And His Lover Do Any Good To Our Secret Date?

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with my boss who is in a relationship with a lady older than him. He has told me he can’t marry her because of their age differences. What do I do? Should I continue the relationship with him or end the relationship?

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

Have you ever heard of the adage that says wise people don’t mix pleasure with work? To do that is to carry a burden that is too heavy for you.

What you should do is to stay clear of this relationship because it has all the tapings of danger. Getting involved with the boss is the worst kind of emotional disaster any woman can get herself. Not only does she risk losing her job if things go wrong but also her emotional stability in the process.

Whatever reasons he gave for quitting the relationship with his former girlfriend can also come up in your relationship. Unlike his previous girlfriend; your job would also go in the process. Think, can you cope with losing a boyfriend in addition to your job? Is the love of this man worth losing your security as well as your sanity?

If this man loves you, the first thing he should do is to help you get employment somewhere else. This is one condition he should meet if he you must date him. Let him understand that romance at one’s place of work breeds nothing but ill-wind especially if the persons involved are both employees. Even where the romance involves the owner of an establishment and an employee, a lot of emotional balancing has to be put in place to ensure that the romance doesn’t affect the foundation of the establishment. Romance not well managed and defined in a work place can bring down the most solid organisation to its knees.

This is because of the indiscipline that goes with romance makes even the sanest of us behaves irrationally to a development capable of compromising office discipline.

If you also love this man, you should not do anything that would compromise him. Even where both of you decide to keep the relationship private, something would happen that would make you especially show the world that you are in charge of his heart particularly in a situation where you suspect another woman is trying to steal him away from you.

Women being what we are always look for the slightest opportunity to showcase our advantage.

If you date this man would you be willing to subject yourself to his authority, refuse to take sides with him when he is taking decisions that are unpopular and against the people?

Would you allow him to run his department or place of work with fairness and equity to all concerned?

Another thing, which should bother you, is his other relationship. If he has any reason to discontinue with the other lady, he should be bold enough to tell her and not use you to edge her out.

Honesty is very important to the health and development of any relationship. If he has any reason to change his mind about marrying her, he should tell her so; not say it behind her. He must at one time or the other told her he would marry her. After all he knew she was older than him when he started dating her. Relationship is about responsibility. To leave her for a reason he knew existed isn’t right and responsible. It is simply an excuse to have a reason to dump her for you. When deceit and inconsideration is given chance to exist in a relationship, the results are problem and confusion.

This is why you must insist he first of all clears the mess he has created with the other woman. He can only be free to love you if he and the other woman have cleared up their differences. Even at this, both of them need sometime out before they can go into other relationship. This time out is to give both of them time to think of those things they would want in their next relationships.

For instance, he must know why he wants you to be his girlfriend and you must also know his intentions for you. One thing is to go into a relationship another thing is to know the reason for it and its direction.

Why does he want you? And why do you want him? Do you want him in your life because he is your boss and able to offer you some sorts of protection? Provide you with the platform to enhance your position in your place of work? At this important and nascent stage, you must know what you are going in for this early to avoid wrong notions as well as misinterpretations of your interests. It would give both of you clear insight of what to expect. You must address the challenges dating would present to both of you in your work place. To do this, you must adopt a realistic approach to all the issues at stake. For instance from the beginning you both must agree to what is acceptable to your different status in your work place as well as agree to the format your relationship must take while within the premises. All these must be clearly spelt out to avoid confusion as well as unintended pains arising from wrong reading of some situation. For instance you must know how to behave around him when you have company and how not to talk to him even when you don’t have company within the premises. Just as he must learn to trust your different relationships with other men and not begin to act like a bear with a sore head if you does as much as greet other men around you.

This type of relationship calls for extreme trust and faith in what you share since you would always be in the company of each other almost all day. It has to be something extra solid to survive this lack of space to breathe and be in the company of other friends un-policed.

Importantly you must pray before going into this relationship not because it is wrong to date but because it takes more to make it work.

Good luck.

My First Love Is A Married Woman

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with a married woman who has three children. She is the first woman I have ever really fallen in love with. It is so difficult for me to stay away from her. All my friends are making fun of me and insisting that I leave her alone but I can’t. Please help me out.

Michael.

 

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Dear Michael,

You can’t or won’t? How does it make you feel dating another man’s woman? Happy and contended that you are destroying another man’s home? Were she your wife, would you be happy at the thought of someone else sharing her with you?

Are you supporting her to be a faithful woman or one that is uncaring as well as insensitive to the feelings and image of her husband?

What is so special about her that is lacking in all the other women you have seen so far?

Irrespective of what you feel for her or the reasons she has for going outside her home to have an affair, she is forbidden to you or any man other than her husband.

She isn’t available to be loved by any other man except the father of her children. If you really love her as much as you claim, you would do anything possible to ensure she works assiduously to keep her vows to her man since there is no marriage without problems or stressful moments.

If she cannot find the determination to make her marriage work or the moral will to stay within her vows, what makes you think you are the only man outside her marriage she is dating?

Any woman who can afford to be insincere to one man, especially her husband, can do that to any other man with ease without thinking twice. If this woman is involved in romance with you in spite of being married, it only goes to show that she is a woman who cannot be trusted at all.

Your determination to go on with the relationship shows you are not responsible and lack the fear of God because if you do, you would never do anything that would destroy the happiness of another man irrespective of the temptation the body of the this woman offers you.

The marriage institution is the most sacred of all. God designed it not just for procreation purpose but to ensure we all stay responsible. It also demands us to be above board when it comes to how we deal with our own marriages but most especially how we treat other peoples’ happiness. Infringing on the happiness of others means you are not desirous of being happy in your own marriage.

You can only appreciate the gravity of what you are doing if you plan happiness for yourself in life. To this end what are your own values and dreams for your own marriage?

Do you plan to have a wife another man would share with you? One who doesn’t think anything wrong about sleeping around with other men, one whose children’s paternity you cannot vouch for?

Dating another man’s wife comes with a lot of physical as well as spiritual complications; these are the type of consequences that never go away; one which unless God is merciful, every successive member of the family suffers from.

The unfortunate thing about all these is you won’t be able to control the aftermath of what you have gotten yourself into because God is fair to everyone.

Even if her husband has done anything to deserve what is happening to him and his marriage, the fact remains that you should not allow yourself to be dragged into a situation that would leave you very bitter and unhappy later in life.

This is because while you may escape the full impact, your children might not be that fortunate. More often than not they end up becoming the worst victims of our impulsive actions as well as our stubbornness in matters we should have applied fear of God and wisdom. What you are engaged in is capable of leaving your entire descendants with unhappy marriages if the husband of this woman cries to God for justice.

Therefore, no matter the temptation the body of this woman offers you, for the sake of everything good you believe in, give her up. She isn’t worth you bringing on a curse you will never be able to overcome in your lifetime.

A woman worth her salt would never give up on her marriage by engaging in extra marital affairs. If she isn’t satisfied in her marriage, the best she can do is to quit, not jump on the bed of the first man she sees.

Marriage is a commitment for eternity; one that takes sacrifices, tolerance, devotion, plenty of prayers as well as unconditional love to navigate into stability. Her affairs with you shows she doesn’t understand what she wants in life as well as a woman lacking in moral values. Such a woman would only lead any man she is involved with to destruction. Even if she were single, it is obvious she isn’t the type of woman you should be involved with. To continue to ignore the well-meaning counsel of your friends is to sign your permanent death warrant.

To avert the consequences of your action on your children and your entire generation, go to God in repentance as well as prayers. Ask Him for forgiveness at being part of the destruction of another man’s marriage; of causing another man pains and regrets in his life as well as causing God disappointment.

After this, do everything you can to avoid this woman completely. I appreciate that the forbidden things are the ones most difficult to ignore or resist. For this reason, put as much distance between you and this woman. Relocate to a place where it would be impossible for both of you to meet as freely and easily as you currently do. This is the classic instance of fleeing from the devil to be able to fight another day.

With you around, there is no way she would come to the realisation that she has to fight for her marriage or give it the required attention as well as devotion to make it work. Remember, you are not doing this for her but for your own future as well as those of your unborn generation. Like I earlier said, this woman isn’t worth it so don’t because of her mortgage your entire future as well as that of your innocent descendants.

Whatever pleasure she gives you, there are plenty of single and eligible females ready to give you more so why her? She is completely forbidden and poisonous to any man outside her husband. The spiritual lethal substance in her could send you into an early grave hence your need to run as fast as you can.

Good luck.

If Only To Please Her, How Can I Be More Bed Active?

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. My woman keeps complaining that I am unable to satisfy her even when I put in all my efforts. At the end of the day I am worn out but she still keeps complaining about my inability to make her happy. What do I do and what are the possible parts of a woman’s body that gives her the best pleasure. Please help us remedy our relationship.

Concerned Man.

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Dear Concerned Man,

When did she begin to complain and what precisely are her grouses with your method of lovemaking? Beyond this, what have you both done to remedy the situation?

When issues like this come up in a relationship, it is important both parties take adequate steps at addressing the situation. It takes two to tangle and lovemaking can only be satisfying if two souls are involved in the act. More often than not when one party shifts the blame to the other, it means there is a more fundamental problem than the one the couple is playing up.

Outside the bedroom, what are the issues? Are both of you considerate and unconditional in your attitude of giving as well as appreciative of the other’s effort? There is no way you can have a rewarding love life if you have deficiencies in your relationship. This is because the act of lovemaking draws strength from the attitude we put up in our everyday interactions. There is no way an inconsiderate or a disrespectful or selfish partner can suddenly become selfless in the bedroom.

So what type of relationship exists between you and your woman generally? It is of essence you know because it is the only way you both can rise up to the challenge of improving on your love life. It is also the only way you can handle this issue with all the maturity it deserves without either of you feeling as if the other might have found someone else outside your relationship.

Begin from your own end. If you were to assess yourself, how would you score your behaviour to your woman? Are you the type of man who is domineering, insensitive to the feelings of your partner; who puts his interest far and above the well being of his partner?

Chances are if you are, you may have transferred this attitude to the bedroom. Are you simply interested in the act of sex, getting your satisfaction without bothering to know how she too can get to the plateau?

Don’t be shy to ask her questions on what she wants and how she wants it done. Like the pure work of art a woman is our bodies though look alike physically are not similarly wired. What works for one woman may not work for another. So it is more than the issue of telling you about the erotic zones of a woman’s body. While one woman may get aroused kneading her palms or her ears, it would require extra effort to get another one excited.

If you don’t discuss with her you would never know what makes her happy or gets her excited irrespective of the number of hours you spend on her. Unless she is involved in the entire process your labour would amount to nothing because after a while, the whole process becomes irritating and a routine to her.

And unless you both understand what is at stake or involved, you may never be able to suck this woman into your world of fantasy.

To do this well, bury the natural male pride or arrogance. Don’t assume you know everything there is to know about the woman. To be very frank, no matter how much of an expert a man is on women or their bodies, each woman comes with her own mystery hence no man can ever claim to know everything about a woman and her body. Even the woman herself doesn’t know everything about her. It takes a very imaginative mind as well as one willing to learn to help her discover several of the mysteries she carries in her body.

You and your partner would be very surprised at what mountains of pleasures you have stocked away if only you are both honest and trusting enough to help each other discover them.

Since she is the one complaining, ask her what the real issues are. Let her know you are not bothered about her experiences if she came with some but how to make her happy with you. More often than not, women are scared of talking to their partners about what they want or how they want to be made love to. This is because they don’t want the man to have the wrong idea about them or think them promiscuous.

When a woman and man cross the borderline or come of age, such issues should not matter. The moment a couple decides to become intimate, pretences should be dropped because at that point, pleasure and satisfaction takes over. The reason two consenting adults make love is to tap from the limitless pleasure of their joint bodies and knowledge of the act. Even where two virgins are making love for the first time, basic instincts always come to their aid. The knowledge of sex is down there; natural to all living thing. Like suckling is natural to a baby so also is the act of lovemaking to us all.

The difference between man and animal is the imagination man puts into it. This makes sex different from lovemaking. What fantasy does your wife come with? What are your own fantasies too?

To get around your problem, it is important you go back to the elementary stage of lovemaking. The ABC of it is to begin all over again especially if she also lacks knowledge of what she wants. Sometimes we complain about things but lack the knowledge of how to get at the solution. If she is adamant about talking of her past, don’t despair or throw your hands up in defeat. Rather, make up your mind to make it work at all cost. The ABC is trying to find out her erotic zones by having a mental timetable of how to go about it. It could be a one-week mental task. For instance, on the first day, concentrate only on her head area, which includes her scalp, lips, ears, eyes, nose, and neck. Because you are on a sensual voyage, pay attention to her moods when you touch a particular zone on her body; you will get your answers from her breath, the trust of her body and her cry of excitement, take mental note of all these, for future use. Once you know what area of her body responds differently to your touch, then you would know how to give her all the satisfactions in the world.

Your woman too must be ready to contribute her quota to the process. Nothing much would be accomplished if she refuses to do anything beyond complaining at all times. Without her help, there is nothing you can do but throw in the towel after a while. This is the point your must emphasis when discussing the subject with her. It is of importance she understands why she should also contribute her quota because it takes two to tangle just as it take more than your effort to destroy this relationship.

Another way is to make her take the lead. This entails switching positions, allowing her do it her way. It is all part of learning and evolving the marriage. The best marriages are the ones that can absorb new ideas, exciting as well as constructive innovations.

It is only by being honest, trusting and with a heart of sincerity you and your woman would pull this relationship through.

Good luck. 

Left Me 20 Years Ago…Now Back For His Son, Me

Dear Agatha,

Twenty years ago, I met the father of my son in Lagos. At the time we met, I didn’t know he was married. He was a very good friend to one of my neighbours. She also didn’t tell me anything beyond him being a good family friend of theirs.

Since she gave me her support, I went into a relationship with him. Because of me, he took to coming to Lagos from his Ile-Ife base every weekend. This lady would vacate her room for us each time he came. When my elder sister I was staying with noticed the closeness between this man and me, she called her neighbour’s attention to the fact. She told my aunty not to worry that he was a good man and very responsible.

A year after I got pregnant without meaning to. I have been taking precautions to prevent it because I wanted to finish my training as a hairdresser before settling down. But he insisted on me not taking anything that day.

I agreed because I thought it was within my safe period, but my guess was wrong as I became pregnant.

Honestly, I don’t know what happened or how it all began but immediately I told him of my condition, something not quite visible or explicable changed. He came as frequently as he used to, quite alright, but my neighbour started behaving funny. It got to a point she no longer volunteered her room for us.

One day, I came home earlier than before to hear both of them quarreling over me. She told him he shouldn’t have gone to the extent of getting me pregnant and that he should remember the other woman was her sister.

When I went into the room to demand what all the commotion was all about she changed her story to say that he was having an affair with another woman.

I didn’t know what to say, so I allowed things pass. Until I gave birth to our son, he kept coming and was present during the naming ceremony and also paid my bride price on the day. However, my neighbour packed out the day after the ceremony and didn’t leave any forwarding address. When my aunty and I demanded to know, she said it was better she left without giving us an address as she has caused me enough harm. When we demanded to know what harm, she said I would soon find out.

A month after, I did. My supposed husband’s wife came for a visit. Not only did she made a big scene but told me in plain terms that she would ensure my husband never remembered he had a child anywhere.

She told me I was lucky she didn’t know about me or the pregnancy until I gave birth. She boasted to the hearing of everybody that I would have been dead by now. She said her sister who facilitated our meeting would die a spinster as well as childless.

That was the last I saw of her or my so called husband. I struggled to bring up my son alone. He is in law school now. It was not easy initially but after a while, things improved. I went into couples of relationships but none worked. I ended up having another child outside wedlock.

Fortunately, she is a daughter. After I gave birth to her, my aunty who is my tower of strength and who unfortunately has neither child nor man advised me against getting pregnant again and to accept my situation.

Without warning and from nowhere, he has come back into our lives. I don’t know how he got our address but he has come back to request for his son.

From what he told us, my child is his only surviving child. His other children all died in an accident.

He couldn’t give any meaningful reason why he has refused to come and see us all these while.

I am not comfortable with all these. My son, when I told him of the intention of his father to see him said I should tell him (father) he has no father; that as far as he is concerned his father died when he was born.

Not only is he asking for his son, he insists under the native law, I am still his wife hence he wants me to come back to him.

What baffles me is that his wife is still alive. When my aunty demanded to know what would become of her if I agreed to come back, he said we shouldn’t bother about that.

When I asked after my neighbour, he said she was his wife’s youngest sister, and that she is currently in the village, childless and still single.

Agatha, I don’t want my son to die. That woman is evil. I don’t know what to do. Despite all that has happened between us, I still love this man.

What do you think I should do?

My aunty and son are against my going back. My daughter is indifferent and wants me to decide on what is best for me.

But it is a very delicate situation I am in. what should I do? How do I handle this challenge?

Nikky

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Dear Nikky,

 Begin by telling him all about the visit of his wife 20 years ago as well as the threats she made and how his absence as well as the condition of his sister-in-law is giving you a lot of concerns.

Let him explain again what happened all these years to have made him forgotten his son as well as the wife he married on the day of his son’s naming ceremony.

Why did he take all these years for him to realise he has a responsibility towards you and his child? Had any of your relationships worked; would he have forced you to come out of your husband’s home to marry him? Would he still have insisted on you being his wife?

What if his other children didn’t die? Would he have come back to his son? Would he have had the strength to pursue his relationship with his son? What about his wife? Whether you accept it or not, what he did to her 20 years ago wasn’t fair. Whatever the problems they were having as a couple, he didn’t have to involve you in it at all. In the woman’s shoes what would you have done? There was no way she would have known you didn’t know he wasn’t free to love when he came to you. He betrayed her in the worst kind of way. Not only did he stop at having an affair with you, he got you pregnant, married you without her consent or letting you know for that matter he was married. It takes more than his coming back to write the wrong of all those years.

As a woman you know how much it can hurt when the one person in the whole world who is supposed to treat you with respect; with all the honesty in the world turns out to be the one to inflict the most cruel blow on you? What he did effectively cancels whatever the woman may have done wrong. If nothing else, he should have told her about you and you about her.

As a matter of fact, the issue for you should not be the fear of the other woman but his lack of insincerity and abject dishonesty. What makes you sure he is not playing his usual game with your emotions? Why should you leave the issue of informing his wife or that of her place in this whole arrangement to him?

Be careful the same thing that happened 20 years ago does not happen again. The major condition of your reconciliation should be both of you meeting to discuss the way forward between the two of you. She should be involved in whatever decisions you both arrive at. Remember she is the woman at home, whose life and home you and your son are about to disrupt and actually disrupted years ago.

Why wouldn’t she be angry with her own sister? What manner of sister would contribute to the destruction of her sister’s home? Even if the sister is a confirmed witch, she had no right to treat her the way she did. To have given you and her sister’s husband freedom to conduct an affair in her home shows she never planned to marry because if she did, she would never have done what she did to her sister’s home.

That she is still single doesn’t necessarily mean the sister did something to hurt her like she threatened to in her fury. We all say things we don’t mean when angry. What her sister did is enough to make God very angry and punish her with the conditions she now finds herself. Deliberately setting out to destroy her sister’s home was a very wicked thing to do.

In more ways than you realize, this man and his sister-in-law destroyed you. Your inability to get a man of your own may not be unconnected with your having a child without a visible man by your side.

For these reasons be sure you get it right this time. It is only after these you can work on your son to accept him as a father. As things are now there are too many unexplained reasons and foggy intentions. You may be his wife and the young man his son but the beginning wasn’t founded on honesty and fairness. It is never too late to do the right things or undo a past wrong.

Ensure you entrust this new journey to the hands of God this time around to prevent a more miserable end.

Good luck.

Lost Her Flower In Odd Way…Now Our Dream In Trouble

Dear Agatha,

I dated a lady for over a year. From the beginning, we defined the relationship as marriage-bound. I was glad to know she was a virgin, and we never had sex. Recently, we began to have problems. An old casual friend of hers appeared and what began as a casual friendship blossomed into romance. Eventually, he proposed marriage to her. It was at that point I got to know about it. She told me she was confused.

Although she told him she was in a relationship, he won’t let go. She said she was under pressure. One thing led to the other and he deflowered her.

According to her, she tried resisting him, and even informing him of our sex-free relationship. I love her, and I know she loved me until things fell apart. From the way things stand, whether we would have a future together rests with me. She is in her mid twenties and has just graduated. I am in my early thirties and working. If not for what has happened, we would have begun the marriage process with at least knowing members of our families. I love her and yet the pain of the experience is equally strong. I feel cheated and used. I shared this with my aunt, and she bluntly told me, ‘She is not your wife!’ Please advise me.

Sunny.

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Dear Sunny,

From the look of things the decision is beyond you. It is something both of you must want desperately. There is either of you can do this on your own. For instance, you are not even sure she wants you back or in the same way you want her.

The decision to move this relationship forward from this unfortunate point, she has to show remorse for what she did, make a commitment to you never to be so tempted. She equally has to deal with the situation that brought about this development, which is taking a holistic look at her feelings for you and this man. She has to face herself, her feelings for you as well as what she expects from life generally. 

When things get this messy, it is best not to assume you have the ace. In the first instance something stronger than what she feels for you must have made her given her body to this man.

The feelings may not be as enduring as the one she has for you but don’t ignore the fact that it was strong enough at the moment she agreed to go into the bedroom with him to have sex. No matter the tempting situation, if she had wanted to, she still could have pulled away from it if what she felt for you was strong enough.

So, before you start making plans for her, ask her what she feels about you or how she intend dealing with such a tricky situation should she find herself alone with that man again.

Granted you love her so much and wishes to spend the rest of your life with her, but there is more to this than what you feel. You have to be certain that whatever magical feelings exist between the two of them is transient and not one they would continue to indulge in secretly. Remember unlike when she was a virgin and could easily assess her disloyalty to you, there is no way you can discover now unless you catch her in the act. So deep down do you think you can trust her again?

Or that she would have told you about this other man and what she did with him if not for the evidence of the loss of her virginity? These are painful variables you must consider before thinking of taking her back.

Think, can your pride endure this? Would your love be able to withstand this betrayal now or later in life? You are not just talking about a relationship but about a lifetime journey. While losing her virginity doesn’t make her less of all the other qualities you found special in her but sleeping with another man while in a relationship with you may not be so easy an emotion to handle especially if you are the jealous type.

Because of what you currently feel for her, you may assume the current situation is something you can deal with effortless. You may be right for now but how much you are able to deal with it depends on your ability to completely erase this from your memory as if it never happened.

Without you making the effort, you may never be able to deal with it as the surge of suspicion would always rear its head whenever you see her with another man or suspect her of doing things without your knowledge. The after effect of this type of situation is what destroys not only the event itself. So beyond being so much in love with her, how matured are you about all these? Do you think her actions were deliberate or a mistake she is already regretting and would do everything within her powers to avoid?

If you had the intention of marrying her, why did you tell your aunty, knowing that it would be difficult for your family to continue to support you to marry her? That was a costly mistake, one you should always avoid when controversial issues come up between you and your partner.

While you can forgive your partner of anything, your family would not be able to deal with it in the same way. So even if you decide to have her back, how are you going to clear up the situation with your aunty to get her support not to treat her with disdain and contempt to your person?

It would take a lot to get this relationship out of the wood. It is something you must both desire with passion to make all these obstacles vanish.

So, discuss with her what she wants and what she feels for the other man. This is the road of honesty. One, which neither of you can afford to ignore if you desire happiness.

She has to desire you as much as you desire her to get her to stay faithful to you and once you agree to move ahead with the relationship, forgive and forget.

Above all, you need to pray so you don’t make a terrible mistake in life. This is important because marriage takes more than love to make it work.

Good luck.