My Ex Wants To Share Me With His Wife

Dear Agatha,

There is this man I was dating before he got married. The problem now is, he has refused to let go of me and sincerely, I don’t want him to let go either.

He keeps coming to my house to plead to have sex with me; a request I have kept turning down because he is now a married man.

The new thing is that he is now planning on taking me to the United Kingdom with him. I am confused because I don’t know if this is true love but the truth is I can’t do without him.

Confused Lady.

 

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Dear Confused Lady,

He wants to take you to the United Kingdom as what? Bedmate, live in lover or his second wife?

Don’t you think this move is rather late in the day considering he is married to another woman and doesn’t have the freedom to associate with you anymore?
If you were more than just a girl he gets good sex from, don’t you think he would have married you no matter the conditions that made him marry the other woman?

Sincerely, if you have any self-respect, you would urgently terminate every relationship between you and this man by putting as much distance you can possible between you and him. Rather than consider his offer, you should feel insulted by it and tell him to his face what you think about him and his offer. What this offer connotes in plain English is you are good in bed but not good enough to be a wife. Why would you want to be his mistress when you were first in his life and he left you to marry a woman he met after you?

I appreciate how much losing him may mean to you especially if you have come to love him dearly but it is only for a short while provided you are wise enough not to prolong the journey of pain and disappointment.

Deep down, do you think this guy loves you? Has any respect for you feelings, cares about how you feel? Think, if he did, why did he leave you to marry another woman? What excuse did he give you to have made him leave you for the woman he married?

That his family forced him into it? If this is his excuse, why didn’t he stand his grounds if you were that precious to him? Why didn’t he show desperation to have you in his life if sex hasn’t always been his ultimate interest in you?

In his wife’s shoes, how would you feel if your husband plans on dumping you for his ex-girlfriend?

In your own interest, turn down his offer. He is no longer free to love you and since he has made his choice by walking another woman down the aisle, he should do the honorable thing by sticking with his decision. It is the least he can do for himself.

Encouraging him to betray this woman is to further drive the digger of hurt into your heart and soul. There is no way he would leave his wife for you. Once he gets his fill of you, he will leave you all over again to be with a new catch; a woman he considers to be better than you in bed.

Coming to plead for sex with you should tell you that all he wants is free sex, which you are foolishly giving to him despite what you say. If you are so desperate to believe everything he tells you, it follows you would do anything to be with him.

You can bet your life that should you get pregnant; this man would not stand by you or accept responsibility for the child because something in your values doesn’t sit comfortably with him.

If you stop worrying about not wanting to lose him and concentrate on how much happiness and fulfilment you want from life, it would be a lot easier getting over him.

Life functions on what we feed into it, on how we colour it. If you insist on brooding over a relationship that was never meant to be, you will continue to hurt yourself and sink your entire future by the choices you are about to make.

Marriage is sacred. It is between two people. If he wants to end it, he doesn’t need you to help him end it. He made the choice to marry her without consulting you so if he has any regrets, he should be man enough to face the consequences of his choice without involving you in his scheme.

Let him know you have enough problems of your own without him adding to it. Also make him understand every marriage needs the dedication and input of the couple to work well. And that if he continues to misbehave and refuse to stand by the vows he made to his wife on the day of their wedding, there is no way he can get the best out of his union with his wife.

On your side, this is the time for you to be bold and not give in to emotional sentiments because such emotions can really hurt you as well as make you lose confidence in yourself completely.

Again, you should develop certain pride in yourself. If this man isn’t interested in showing you respect, give it to yourself by calling his bluff. When next he comes to you, tell him, you would appreciate if he stays away from you for now primarily because your feelings for him are still raw and you are unable to keep him at bay.

Only determination would help you forget him. One of the ways to is to move away from where he can get you easily. I know nursing a broken heart back to good health isn’t easy. Some days appear good while some are particularly bad and lonely. On those days, if care isn’t taken, there is the tendency to throw all caution and pride to the wind to beg the one leaving to come back.

If you are honest without being told, you can tell why he made the choice he made. Had you demonstrated some level of moral discipline and values, you may not find yourself in this emotional mess you are now in.

It is so difficult when you are trying to do the healing alone. This is the time you need your friends’ support to drive away the gloom, reason rationally as well as divert your attention away from the obvious.

Go to places you have always wanted to go; places that won’t in any way bring back the memory you are trying to forget. Immerse yourself in other challenges as well as interests that give you little or no time to think of him. Furthermore, dream of new ideas and intentions to help prevent such pain again in your life.

Over time, such company and tasks would water down your thirst for him and give you the strength to move ahead.

Remain focused on and pray for support from God to help you give new meaning and focus to your life. Making your peace with God swallows up a lot of problems in the daily struggles with life.

Good luck. 

Hard To Say His Biological Mother Is A Whore

Dear Agatha,

I have just been told by my doctor, that I’ve very limited time to live. According to him, leukemia has eaten too deep into my system.

That is okay by me since I have lived a good life and can say I am fulfilled. My only child is doing very well as God has blessed me with four beautiful grandchildren.

I can’t complain except that a recent letter I received, threatening to smear my happiness.

It all happened 40 years ago when a prostitute who used to patronise my shop got pregnant. That day, she came to my shop located at Campus Square, Lagos, to buy rice. I noticed she had puffy eyes and wasn’t in her usual jovial mood. She didn’t take her food away but sat on my side of the table. I allowed her be. It was more than a whole hour before she told me about her predicament. She was pregnant and wanted to terminate the pregnancy because it would affect her job.

Being childless after three years of marriage, I advised against it. She asked if I would be interested in having the baby since she had no intention of keeping it. I told her I would give the whole world to have a baby to call my own.

I said this to encourage her. That was the last I saw of her until one morning, I came to my shop to start preparing for the sales of the day and I met the most shocking but pleasant sight in the world. It was a beautiful bouncing baby boy in a milk carton. He was neatly dressed. Inside the carton was a note from the mother that I should look after the baby as mine since I desperately wanted one. In it, she told me, she wanted the freedom to live her life the way she wanted it and didn’t want a fatherless baby stopping her.

I was sad at her rejection of the baby but glad she gave him to me. Six months before the incident, my husband and his people had thrown me out for another woman who was carrying my husband’s baby.

That morning, I didn’t bother with my shop that day; I took the baby to my mother in Mushin.

That was how I started a new life all together with the child. He brought me luck because suddenly everything started working well for me so much so I was able to buy an expanse of land at Palm Avenue.

I was able to send him abroad to read medicine and today he is one of the very best in the country.

Now, his biological mother has sent a note insisting, she wants to meet him. I called her on the number she gave, she assured me her intention is simply to know him and nothing more.

Agatha, the question is how do I tell him he isn’t mine? How do I tell him that he bears my mother’s maiden name? And that he is the son of a prostitute and that he has no father?
He is a very sensitive young man. How do I face my grandchildren with the truth concerning their heritage?

Do I beg her to allow me die before breaking the news to him and his family? Would he ever be able to love me again as his mother or accord me any respect for lying to him all these while?
Please help me resolve this issue before I die. This is a race against time.

Arinola.

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Dear Arinola,

I can imagine all the different emotions going on inside of you. It isn’t easy coping with the knowledge that any moment one would stop breathing but don’t we all carry around the same death sentence? Even the doctor who has given you the verdict isn’t exempted from the mortal end we all come with.

For this reason, learn to celebrate each day with thanksgiving to God for His mercies that have kept you thus far. For the experiences as well as the opportunity of allowing you share in the excitement, pains as well growth of this young man.

Also celebrate the gift of your grandchildren as well as your daughter-in-law. You deserve to be happy after labouring to sustain his life through his nascent days to adulthood.

These are memories and investment no other woman can take away from you or deny you the opportunity of savouring.

Yes, she gave birth to him that is a basic fact which cannot also be denied her, for this she has a right to meet with him and get to know the son she carried in her womb for nine months. After all, if she had made the choice many young girls in her position daily make, you wouldn’t have had him to nurse.

Again, don’t forget that she had a choice of strangulating him at birth, dumping him inside the toilet or dustbin but she elected to bring him to your shop as a special gift to you. It could have been another woman who had him in your place. Something could have happened to you that morning to stop you from coming to the shop. The baby would have been taken to the Police Station and subsequently to the motherless babies’ home.

Call her whatever name you want to call her but she ensured she gave her baby to the woman she knew would give him a good home. She must have known how desperate you are to have a child, knew about all your matrimonial problems due to your childlessness hence decided to bless you with her baby, who she knew she could ill-afford to look after at that time.

That she knew where to locate you with a note suggests that she has never been far away from her child. What she feels is natural, she longs to touch as well as behold the child she carried in the secret of her belly.

Whether she is or was a prostitute is immaterial, this would never stop the maternal longings she has endured all these while.

Whatever her short-comings God designed your son to come to you through that process. If she hadn’t gone into prostitution, gotten pregnant in the way she did, you wouldn’t have had a child to call your own. She could have gone into prostitution simply to help give you this child. God’s ways are mysterious.

So in more ways than one, you must ensure their re-union and help douse the attendant tension on the part of mother and child.

This child is yours because you nursed him from the first moments of his life. He has your love deep inside his heart, so don’t be afraid he would ever stop loving you or abandon you now when you need him the most.

Besides, you must believe in the job you have done on him. If you planted love and wisdom into him, this is the time for you to reap it. We are products of our up-bringing. If you didn’t bring him up to be unreasonable, rude and unappreciative of the efforts of people, he would never blame you for lying to him or condemn you for it.

Your guidance too would help both mother and child talk without bitterness. No doubt he would wonder at the manner of mother abandoned her child at birth. Just as he would condemn her choice of a trade but you can help him get over the pains by pointing him at all the good reasons why he should not turn his back on her now.

But before that, call him to tell him about his past. Start from the very beginning of your own story. How you were driven away by your husband and his family over your inability to have a child. Paint the picture of your pains, rejection as well as embarrassment. He has to be made to feel in vivid picture what you went through. This is called playing on his emotions. It is the only way he can think objectively, appreciate the sacrifices of you and his mother to enable him forgive. His human feeling has to be brought to the fore in your presentation.

Then tell him of how you first met his mother leading to the time she came to your shop early that morning to tell you about her predicament and all the things you both discussed.

Prepare the grounds by telling him all the good things you observed about his mother, her smile and good nature. Include the fact that something must have pushed her into prostitution. It is imperative he has something positive about his mother to hold on to, something to help him cope with the shock of her presence and actions. When we are drowning, we all need something, even if it is a fragile straw to hold on to hope.

The bit about finding him at your shop door, the note and the joy you felt at having him should form the concluding end of your story.

Beg him after this, to forgive the lies you told about his identity as well as his mother’s behaviour before telling him of her wish to meet him.

This is an issue you both have to iron out on your own before bringing your daughter-in-law and grandchildren into the picture.

Call his mother only after you have done this.

Don’t worry, God, who has been in charge of your affairs before you were born, knows about this development and has taken care of it ahead of time. Just trust Him and celebrate His mercies in your life. Already, it is well.

Good luck. 

My Grandparents Can’t Be Part Of My Success Story

Dear Agatha,

My mother was the only parent I knew. My father abandoned her when she was pregnant of me. According to her, her parents also turned their back on her because of their Christian beliefs. She had to struggle with the help of a kind neighbour who offered her shelter to bring me up on her own.

After she had me, the neighbour who was childless took me away from her so that she could improve her lot in life. It was at this point her parents once again took her in.

Her parents refused to have anything to do with me insisting I was the seed of the devil. It was this neighbour who trained me despite the harassment she was constantly subjected to by my grandparents.

She kept telling my mother and I that I was a gift to her from God and that she didn’t care what my grandparents thought of her or me.

When my mother left for east in pursuit of better education, she didn’t make me feel her absence. Every month, she would take me with her to see my mother. It was a huge sacrifice but one she made with all happiness.

After her graduation, my mother met and married an Ibo man. She didn’t hide the fact that she had a child from the man. As a matter of fact she came to see my foster mother and me with her man. We also attended their wedding even though my grandparents refused to allow me into their sitting room during the introduction. We stayed outside all the same.

Her visits after her wedding became far-spaced when she got pregnant. But she kept calling and sending us money to feed. From what I gathered from my foster mother; the pregnancy was a difficult one so also was the birth of the child.

I was in my final year in secondary school when my mother died at childbirth. The love and support of my foster mother helped a great deal during the dark period. She left behind two sons.

Despite the death of my mother, my grandparents’ attitude towards me didn’t change. As a matter of fact, they said my mother’s death has something to do with me, that she died because of the sin she committed with my father.

Today through the grace of God and my foster mother, I am a medical doctor. I have reunited with my brothers who are also doing fine.

Now I am about to wed. My grandparents whose other child died five years after my mother are now desperate to have me. They want to be part of my life, going to the extent of trying to accuse my foster mother of stealing their grandchild and poisoning my mind against them.

When that ploy failed to yield any result, they have since taken to begging my foster mother to help talk to me. Strangely, my brothers don’t like them and are solidly behind my decision not to invite them to my wedding.

But my foster mother is against my decision. She says I owe it to the memory of my mother to be polite to her parents even if they treated me badly. She wants me to forgive them and give them the honour of hosting the traditional wedding ceremony. I have told her, it would take place in the only home I have ever known throughout my life but she still persists that I invite them. I cannot bring myself to forgive or forget how they have treated me all these while.

Would they have come if I were a beggar? If my foster mother hadn’t taken me in, given me the best of education would they have acknowledged me as their granddaughter?

I don’t want to disobey my foster mother, but is it right to associate with people who never cared about me? Who from day one rejected me and at every opportunity called me the seed of a devil?

It doesn’t make sense to me. Please help me because I don’t know what to do.

Morenikeji.

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Dear Morenikeji,

Long before we were even conceived, God has outlined the pattern, colours as well as texture of our lives. We don’t have a choice in the matter of who our parents are, or the process that give birth to us. These things come from God.

That you came through the woman that carried you in her womb or the seed of the man you don’t know, are part of His plans for you. They didn’t happen by chance. He knew your grandparents would reject you from the womb and that your mother would die early in life hence stationed a childless woman to foster and provide you with a home.

When He also created the woman, He knew she would not be able to have a child of her own, hence planned for you to come the way you did to give her complete control over you.

You wouldn’t have been able to stay with her if your grandparents had shown you love and accepted you whole-heartedly. If you had a father, he too may not have allowed the situation of his child staying with someone he considered a complete stranger.

Doubtless, God planned your destiny and that of this woman to function as mother and child.

This is why you must listen to her and forgive your grandparents and give them the honour of being present at your wedding. It is the least you can do for the memory of a woman who gave you life and showered you with love while she lived. Despite their attitude towards you, they gave birth to that woman who never for once displayed any regret or shame at having you when she did. She was willing to put her life on hold to have you all alone when other young girls would have considered taking their own lives or terminating the pregnancy.

There is no contesting the fact that your grandparents were really off the mark in their attitude towards you but God knows best. Who knows if you had grown with them, their resentment of you may have prevented you from achieving the height of success you have attained now.

Would they have been able to fund your medical education? Would you have been able to endure their bitterness at close range? Who knows they, through their attitude, may have pushed you into a life-style, which would have effectively terminated your God given destiny.

A lot of people we today brand failures, urchins, armed robbers, drug addicts were not created by God to be any of these. They too came with the same promising future you came with but got derailed by the situations they found themselves in. Many of them were meant by God to be doctors like you, captains of industry, successful politicians, money bags but never got close to any of these dreams, the environment they found themselves in were hostile to such lofty dreams.

Had you grown with them, the level of hatred your grandparents displayed for you would have driven you into the waiting hands of any man, making the same mistake your mother made. That God gave you another home to enable you grow up into who He desires you to be should make you forget whatever wrong these two must have done to you.

Inability to forgive them places you under unnecessary spiritual constraints. It is pointless trying to do God’s work for Him. You had no hand in what you are today so why now being the one to insist on doing things your own way?

You got to where you are through the mercy of God so why not extend the same mercy to these old people who have little time to live? Why do you want to contribute more to their misery? Burying all their children in their lifetime is more than any parent can bear. Although they appear to be normal but everything inside of them has stopped beating. What you see are empty shells. Only your forgiveness as well as showing them love can put some flesh on the hollow of the emptiness they are now facing.

They made their choice to be bitter and resentful of you; you also have it in your hands to make the choice of being happy and free of guilt in your life.

Look at them; in all honesty, do you want to end up like them? Unfortunately, if you refuse to forgive them, you risk ending up like them because their inability to forgive their daughter and show you love brought them to this end. If you also refuse to forgive them and show them love now that they desperately need it, you are also like them in more ways than you realise.

Take your brothers and go to them. Judgement is for the Lord. Together with your brothers, fill their hearts and lives with love. It doesn’t make you less of your foster mother’s child, or less appreciative of her role in your life.

Going to them would only serve as the icing on the cake as well as showcase the good work she did for you. She must have a pure heart to have done all she did for you and your mother despite the attitude of your grandparents. If you refuse to listen to her, you would be failing in your responsibility towards her as a loving and respectful child.

As a mother, she has given you a commission to go and make peace with them. Obey her so as to continue to enjoy her blessings as well as the mercies of God.

Good luck. 

Hard To Choose Between Jobless Graduate And Polished Banker

Dear Agatha,

I am dating two young men, one is a graduate and the other a banker, I have dated the graduate for five years now and the banker for two. The graduate has been demonstrating a lot of love to me due to the fact that he is currently unemployed.

I am currently planning on settling down but I am so confused because I don’t know whom among them to settle for. Please I am now a confused lady desperately looking for your support.

Nancy.

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Dear Nancy,

This is what you get when you are involved with two persons at the same time. A confusion of choice is created as well as the possibility of making the right choice. But in most cases, the way we should go is clear but we allow other unimportant considerations becloud our judgement.

If you were satisfied with the first man, why did you go into the second relationship? What were your motives as well as reasons? Is it because the first man is unemployed and has no money to give you?

Would you have considered dating him if he too were unemployed? What exactly do you feel for him? If your graduate boyfriend were employed and in a position to meet your financial needs would you still be confused about the right choice? Are you really confused about the right man for you or is it that you are confused because the one you want isn’t able to give you the comfort you desire?

You have made the first mistake by getting yourself involved with two men simultaneously, don’t make the second mistake of saying yes to the one you know you would never be happy with.

The fact that despite being in another relationship, you still find your boyfriend of five years a wonderful companion shows that deep down you know he has more in terms of happiness to offer you. Unfortunately, other considerations may not make you so objective about what you want from life and marriage.

However, there is a greater risk of you losing both of them if you don’t make the decision of whom you want on time. The reason isn’t far-fetched. Both of them have invested so much on you. The unemployed boyfriend sees in you the woman of his choice; the one he hopes to spend the rest of his life with, hence his devotion to you. What do you think would happen to him when he finds out that you aren’t as perfect as he hoped; that all the while he gave you his everything, you were also sharing your love and heart with another man?

Do you think he would ever be able to trust you again? Do you think if he leaves you, you would ever be able to find someone as devoting to you as he is?

What about your banker boyfriend who although may not have the luxury of time has also invested in you?

Trust is very fundamental to the success of a relationship. If you are unable to be faithful to either of these men now, can you stay faithful to a man? Can you tolerate enduring a situation of want and scarcity in your marriage? Remember, you have not prepared yourself for the experience so how do you propose to deal with such a situation should it arise later in your marriage?

The issue here is not just you wanting to settle down but that of knowing what marriage is all about as well as the many sacrifices that must be offered before it can begin to produce positive fruits.

So what you should do now is to look inwards at yourself, what you want and your knowledge of what the marriage institution is would go a long way in helping you arrive at a clear decision.

Good luck.

Tell Me Of Dangers In Protracted Dating

Dear Agatha,

I really don't remember how I first discovered your column in the Daily Independent Online Newspaper, but ever since, I have benefited a lot from your wise, practical and sound answers to all kinds of questions. In fact, it has become my daily ritual to check out your column as I have my breakfast in the morning or before I retire to bed at night. 

My first question might not be the typical kind you receive.  I was just wondering who you are? What's your story? What led you to this ministry of seeking to grant succour to troubled minds? Furthermore I wonder if you're a psychologist with specialisation in the area of family life or if it's just a God-given gift to you.

I once asked a question which you posted as "What is a relationship?" That was back in 2007. Is there any possibility of your sending it to me as I foolishly didn't save your response then?

I am almost 22 years of age now. There is this girl I met about 18 months ago and I think I am falling in love with her. The future looks bright but I am wary of commitments knowing full well that I am still young and not very certain of what I want. Besides, I desire God's perfect will concerning my life, not just what looks good to me. I don't plan to get married until about five to seven years from now and I can't imagine dating for that long. I'll appreciate your advice on what to do in the interim. Communication links between us are very open though we now live in different countries; we lived in the same city for about a year and half till I left in July. We're very open to each other and she's truly my friend. Someone, I can perfectly feel "myself" around, without any fear of rejection or contempt. We're age mates, from different countries, have different stories but have a lot in common. I've heard several times that opposites attract but we are both primarily melancholies.

In fact, it seems we understand each other so much that we can guess what's on each other's minds without much effort. That's partly because our minds apparently work alike. Sometimes, that bothers me because I don't like to be an open book. Do you see a danger in this?

Sidi

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Dear Sidi,

Five or seven years may appear like a life-time, too long a time for anyone to nurture a relationship but when one considers the tremendous importance of having the right kind of partner in one’s life and dreams, then these years are really nothing.

Investing in the right kind of relationship is investing in your future, shaping it to fit into your dreams, giving it a shock-absorbing elasticity base to give you both broad-based freedom to operate.

A relationship get strangulated easily when the couple involved are not able to express themselves without fear, celebrate each other without feeling insecure, and plan for each other without feeling it is an added responsibility.

Friendship is one of the potent tools that wise couples use in growing a relationship to full maturity. What you and your friend have going on is priceless.

Because of your ages, don’t make haste into making promises about the future. Learn to take each day as it comes. Learn from now to offer support and understanding without first looking out for your own selfish benefits.

While you may not be too bothered about the future now, the lessons would help both of you in the future to make the right choices. Just as this relationship would give you both a very explicit idea of how things should be between a man and woman.

One of the greatest challenges we face in our adult lives, especially in our marriages is the lack of seriousness we attach to this important institution. Isn’t it funny how much time, energy and resources we put into studying and reading every available text on knowledge acquisition while this we neglect the most important institution on earth?

Yet this is the institution we are expected to graduate into, the reason we came to the world, and the one that determines how much success we make with all the knowledge we acquire in other fields.

It is almost certain that we would all grow up to be married some day so why do we treat with levity the processes that would lead us into it?

If you and this lady are good together, don’t hurt the relationship. You may think now it would never happen between you two and it ends up being a lifetime journey. Like the boys scout, always be prepared by giving every opportunity that comes your way. You never know when you would need the experience to make the difference in other areas.

Take each day as it comes with pleasure and cheerfulness. Submit yourself to hope while still celebrating the essence today. If you eventually part, there will be no regrets, just pleasant feelings of having given it your best performance, and if last forever, thankfulness that you didn’t allow the opportunity to slip away.

As for my identity, I am a journalist. Biologically, I have two children, a boy (21) and a girl (16) as well as two adopted daughters. What I am doing now is a special gift from God; one that took me through a lot of experiences which by the special grace of God would be told in my memoirs.

Good luck.