I’m Not Having An Affair

Dear Agatha,                                                                                      

I have read your words of encouragement to people on family, marriage, and relationship issues. I confess you are doing a very good job.

I am currently 28. I got married five years ago at the age of 23.

Between 2003 that I married this man and now, he has completely changed. He is very different from the man I got married to.

This change came after he went into politics. We are blessed with four children among them a pair of twins.

It has now become an annual ritual for me to go back to my mother’s place. Even as I write, we haven’t spoken a word to each other in the last one month even though we are resident in the same house.

I have done everything to make him have a rethink but all to no avail. He accuses me of having an affair, which is not true Although, I got to know through a close friend of his whom I begged to tell me what I had done to warrant his treatment of me. I discovered that his soothsayer told him I am being used to cause him pain and unhappiness in his life.

The tragedy of all this is that he believes anything they tell him even when such things are lies. His friend is apprehensive that if he asks more probing questions he might be killed. 

My husband is now threatening to send me packing, the fourth time since we got married.

I am honestly tired of the false accusation. Unfortunately, I am still in school and don’t have any money of my own or I would have since left with my children for good.

Agatha, what do you think? I need your advice. I am just too young to go through emotional pain but I am helpless.

Helpless Wife.

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Dear Helpless Wife,

The issue is; are you having an affair? If you are not; how did he come about the impression you are having an affair?

Sometimes we get accused falsely due to the type of attitude we put up or things we say. Being a student puts you in a very vulnerable position where your man is concerned. If he is the type of man that gets bothered about such things as his woman’s attitude, is in the habit of reading meaning into situations, your attitude or utterances may be the reason he is accusing your of extra-marital affair.

If he has changed dramatically from the man you married, what about you? How much have you changed from the respectful and humble woman he married? How much has your quest for better education affected your disposition towards him? Is the effect of the education you are getting for the better in your home or for the worse?

To help you solve the issue you are having with your man please begin from your own end. A lot of time people’s reactions to us are response to the signals they get from us. If you married him as a docile woman, one that was full of respect and awe of him, he is bound to suspect you of having an affair if you suddenly begin to maltreat him in terms of not showing him enough respect or beginning to stand up to him for your rights.

Infidelity is usually the first thought that comes to the man when his wife begins to manifest changes he isn’t comfortable with or has never displayed.

The essence of starting from your end is to help you have a balanced opinion and view about all the issues involved.

This calls for absolute honesty on your part. Leaving him isn’t a solution. You are not the only one involved in this marriage. Your children have a right to the love and comfort of their father too so their opinion and feelings too must be factored into whatever decisions you plan to execute.

In examining your own faults; score yourself on your tolerance level; your sensitivity to his interest as well as the issue of your temper and response to him. For instance, do you discuss issues with him as an adult or nag him into submission or disagreement?

Do you regret marrying him at the time you did? Do you have the feelings that marriage to him denied you of some of the excitements of your youth? The freedom to make wider choices? Be honest. Do you secretly resent him for trapping you into an early marriage?

Under what circumstances did you marry when you did? Were you forced to marry because you were pregnant and he had to do the honourable thing? For how long did you two court? What plans were in motion before you got married? What did you both agree to do together? What were your dreams individually and collectively? Were you both ready for this business of marriage beyond having children? How much training did you get in terms of being prepared for the challenges of the institution? What is your mother’s opinion on this matter?

I ask about your mother’s reaction because being your mother and one with years of experience managing men; she must have told you one or two things to help you manage this situation without your home collapsing in the process.

For instance she ought to have told you that the institution is one of the most unpredictable and challenging on earth. The disappointments most of the time out-weight the happiness but when these happy breaks come; they are potent enough to erase all the pains of those dark moments.

Disappointing as you think your man is; think of the special gifts in those children he has given you. Yes, you would have been able to have children from another man but would those children have been as unique as these wonderful four you have now?

Nothing in the world can give you so much fun and pleasure as these children if you know what and where to look at. Our pains become enormous because we are always in the habit of looking at the wrong side of things.

To help you rejuvenate your marriage it is important you look inwards for incentives. What better incentives can be better than your children? Parenting is about sacrifices, choices that put the interest of these young human beings before anything else. They are at the age they need their father’s love and presence.

For this reason, don’t listen to all the negative signs your marriage is presenting you. Rather, look at the positive ones, the angles you need patience, tolerance, wisdom, determination, prayers as well as faith in your vows and decision to marry to dig up from where you buried them. Gold in its raw form is ugly and appears valueless like any other stone. It takes a lot of work, diligence, patience, endurance, determination as well as perseverance of the anger, of the fire as well as the pride in the scars to make it the beauty women and men from all ages keep falling in love with.

The beauty of a marriage never comes to the fore unless a couple makes the effort to keep polishing it. If you keep looking at his faults and the various ways he has hurt you, you will never get your marriage off the kindergarten stage.

In what areas did he change after he entered into politics? He is bound to change because politics is one subject that has continued to defy comprehension particularly in this part of the world. Your role is to help him maintain a fair equilibrium between his new all consuming passion of politics and his responsibility to his home.

Sincerely, you cannot get him to do this by being difficult because of the difficult people he has to contend with outside the home.

As for his soothsayers; these are people you can effectively pray out of his life if only you know the powers you have as his wife and know how beneficial it is to have God on your side.

Finally, be rest assured you don’t have the monopoly of the problems confronting you in your marriage. Marital issues are as old as time and would keep occurring as long as it involves human beings.

All you have to do is to be prayerful and determined to make it work at all cost.

Good luck. 

I’m Too Shy To Talk Girls

Dear Agatha,

I am very shy when it comes to women generally. Till date I am yet to experience the thrills of a relationship because of this.

However there is this schoolmate of mine whom I have never spoken to but whom I have developed very strong feelings for.

Anytime I try approaching her, I lose courage as my mouth becomes too heavy and bereft of words to express my intention.

Please help me out as I am really in love.

Chris.

 

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Dear Chris,

Unless you make a fast move, you might lose her to another man. She isn’t a monster. The worst would be for her to reject your advances. This way you would at least know that you tried instead of wishing in later years that you told her about how you feel. 

But first you must learn to deal with the issue of your shyness. What do you think is responsible for it? Face whatever it is you think is responsible with all boldness and courage. There is no big deal approaching a lady for a relationship. Women are meant to be wooed by men. That one declines your offer doesn’t make you a failure in that field or for a man to give up.

You are finding it difficult to say anything to her because you are trying too hard to get noticed as well as make the right impression.

Chatting a woman up isn’t as difficult as most men are making it appear. A simple hello and how are you would do to arrest her attention even if for a moment.

In place of relationship, first offer her friendship, it is an uncomplicated offer which allows her the peace, freedom and right attitude to pursue as well as consider her options, without stress.

Most women feel insulted when a man they hardly know pounces on them with proposals of being in love with them. Serious minded women cannot help but wonder at the criteria used by the man to come to that conclusion.

If you set out to become her friend the same way you select your male friends, you won’t notice when the relationship graduates to the next stage because it would take a natural path.

Women too know how daunting the task is for most men to come out of their shells and sometimes out of mischief deliberately make things difficult but if the man is wise, he would not present his real interest first. Women find it difficult to be nasty to their friends unlike with complete strangers.

Good luck. 

He Wants Me Back In Bed Nine Months After Childbirth

Dear Agatha,

I gave birth to my first child nine months ago. Since then my husband has kept pestering me for sex. When I told my mother about it, she said I should ignore him because having sex with him while breast-feeding would affect the health of the child.

I have tried explaining the need for him to be patient but he has taken to threatening me. He is threatening to have an affair if I continue to hold back.

My baby is teething; a period my mother said is particularly bad for both mother and child. She said sperm from my husband if I allow him to make love with me would affect the health of the baby because the child would take in the sperm from my breast, a development that would upset the baby’s stomach and complicate the teething problem.

I don’t want my husband to have an affair. Do you think I should stop breast-feeding so as to be available to my husband?

Susan.

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Dear Susan,

Nine months in which you kept your husband away from your bed for a reason that is untrue? This is the height of marital cruelty! What relationship has your husband’s sperm with the milk the baby takes from your breast?

Your mother ought to know better. If your husband goes outside his home to have an affair, blame your mother, if your home collapses, blame your mother’s wrong counsel for it. If your husband marries another woman, the blame should go to your mother because what she is asking you to do is akin to telling you to marry another woman for your husband.

If your father tolerated it, allowed her to keep him away from her bed for that so long a time, it is either he was having extra marital affairs or married to several women in which case he can afford to ignore a woman for as long as nine months. One of the reasons we marry is to have unlimited access to sex. It is your obligation to give yourself to your husband when he demands for it and since he knows you are of good physical and emotional health, he would never have the patience and understanding not to exercise his rights.

You are not a piece of furniture in his house. For goodness sake, you are his wife, what he gets from you is unlike any he would get outside his home. So he cannot understand why the woman he married is refusing him when another woman would gladly give the same thing to him. In his shoes, would you? Don’t make the mistake of assuming his threats are meant to force you into doing what he wants, it is simply to tell you that he has exhausted his patience and is now determined to do what he has to do as a man in charge of his affairs.

Sincerely at this point, he is beyond care and reason as he is ready to damn the consequences of whatever actions he is contemplating.  A man on heat is beyond reason and would go to any length to have relief even if it cost him some peaceful moments later in life.

This is because in the first instance, there is nothing for him to understand or be patience over. Since there is no medical reason for what you are doing, what is there to understand? That his wife is being cruel to him, playing the script of an old woman whose idea of family planning is using breast-feeding as an excuse not to have sex with her husband and subsequently protect herself against early pregnancy shortly after a childbirth?

What is there for him to be patient over when his body hungers for you?

What would you think or do if he is the one denying you sex for this long? Would you not accuse him of having an affair outside you?

Deep in your mind, would you blame him if you he turns round, out of frustration, to accuse you of having an affair outside the home, and that your excuse of breast-feeding is only a smoke screen to hide the real reason?

If you don’t want a major crisis in your hands, give in to his demands because the baby you are abandoning him for will never be able to fill the gap of your husband in your life. There is no way you can have that child forever whereas, you and your husband are meant to last for the rest of your lives.

Sex is too much of an emotion between couples to be ignored or treated with levity. There is more about sex than making of babies. It is the bond, the nectar and the essence of marriage. It is the breath of life that gives oxygen to a relationship. Denying your husband and marriage of its life essence is similar to strangulating you both.

And why are you allowing your mother too much room in your marriage? Your marriage is private territory of you and your man only, not even your children must be given too much freedom to interfere.

Why do you need the permission of your mother to sleep with your husband? Why should she be the one dictating when you get to sleep with your man?

Frankly, these are situations you must never allow in the interest of your home. Would you have endured the situation if the meddling were coming from your husband’s mother? Would you have listened to her or tolerated the massive interference of something so personal? Wouldn’t you have gone round complaining about your mother-in-law’s wish to destabilise your home?

Marriage that involves outside interests never lasts. I am sure your mother wouldn’t want you to come back home to her or you for that matter. If the intention of your mother is not to pursue you out of your husband’s house, stop telling her anything about your love life. If God intended us to have an audience, He wouldn’t have given humans the sense to make it a private affair; it would have been an open act like the lesser animals do.

Medically, a woman is fit to resume sexual activities six weeks after the birth of a child if she has no complications. The longest she can stay off sex, if she went through cesarean, is three months.

The sperm has its natural path in the body of a woman so does the breast milk. Even though the production of milk is instigated by the act of a sperm, it doesn’t mean they come from the same source.

Doubtless, the breast milk helps provide the child with a high level immunity to fight diseases; it should not deny you and your husband the pleasure of each other’s company. There is no need to stop the baby from suckling. Be rest assured, it would not affect the baby in any way. The only draw back is that your husband may not be able to fondle your breasts with his tongue, as he would like, if he cannot tolerate the breast milk in his mouth.

If the hidden fear is about getting pregnant so soon after the birth of your child, there are various family planning devices. Visit your family doctor for professional help. They are in the best position to tell you which would work best for you but in the interim, lure your husband to bed this night if you haven’t already done so before this article comes out.

As for your mother, when next she asks if you have resumed having sex with your husband answer her in the negative. Go further by telling her you intend to wait as long as it takes to wean the baby from breast milk. This should keep her off your back.

And in your interest, keep your mother away from your home and please don’t tell him that your mother kept you away from his bed for that number of months. You would only be setting the stage for the two of them not to be friends for life. Certain things are best left unsaid. It is you that should apply wisdom in your relationship with your mother from now on.

Good luck.

 

Does Success In Marriage Obey Tribal Bias?

Dear Agatha,

I have been reading your column with great interest for sometime now.

There is this notion that some tribes are a no-go-area (dangerous zone) when it comes to love and marriage. For instance there is this thinking that Bini women are either wicked or diabolical irrespective of whether or not they come from Christian families or not. 

What then is or are the options for someone in a situation like, one in love?

Ebi.

 

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Dear Ebi,

True love has no creed, colour, tribe or biases whatsoever. When it happens it doesn’t discriminate against the feelings of the two people involved.

However, certain influences and submission have made love very subjective. For instance, there is no where in the world where there is a draught of wicked people. Right from the beginning of time, wickedness has reigned supreme yet this has not stopped people from getting married and having children.

Africa, Nigeria in particular, is not without its fair share of wicked people in high places. It is particularly bad in Nigeria where too many sentiments, ethnicity as well as nepotism have been allowed to take over our fair sense of judgement in very crucial matters.

We are products of a wicked world, wicked ancestry as well as nefarious foundation. What makes the difference is our own resolution over the path we want to tread in life. So also is our relationship with God.

If you place all that you have heard about a particular set of people forward in your choice of a live partner, you might end up never getting married or getting any woman for that matter to marry you. This is because there is no tribe or people in the world that haven’t been stigmatised. So when we stand in judgement against other people; it means we are pointing accusing fingers at each other endlessly and needlessly.

If love is what you feel, don’t listen to the voice of people but the language of your heart. What is your heart telling you about your love? What are the qualities that make her so outstanding and endearing to you? What is the tribe of her character? Of the happiness she brings into your life or the peace you get being with her?
Do these things make you absolutely happy at being a man?

When you compare her with all the other girls you have dated or know; what conclusions do you come up with? Do you see yourself aging gracefully together and is she the friend you need to be wholesome?

These are values you should focus more on. Simply because someone decides to brand one or your ancestors as being wicked or fetish doesn’t mean something good and beautiful cannot come out of you.

The heart of the person you are in love with is what matters most. Many people who today are powerful servants of God have foundations that emanated in occult and very fetish practices.

Not even the western world despite its mental and technological advancement is without such practices. If worship centres devoted to devil flourish in such societies, how much more in a society such as ours which is still struggling to define religion?

Don’t lose the chance because of what others say or think, you may lose the opportunity of being happy in an institution where most people are unhappy.

Rather than listen to the voice of men, take your case to God and listen only to what He tells you on this matter.

Good luck. 

He’s Pompous, Even To My Parents

Dear Agatha

I am 25 years of age dating a 30-year old guy. I love and cherish him but his attitude puts me off. He doesn't talk to people in the compound we live and even refuses to greet my parents. If I demand to know why he puts up that attitude, especially towards my parents, he would ask me if I have parents. To avoid trouble, I would simply allow the words wash over me.

Agatha, do you think he would change?

Concerned Lady.

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Dear Concerned Lady,

At 30! I doubt it very much. At his age, he is old enough to know what is good or not. At his age, he doesn’t need anybody to remind him of the basic social etiquette. Any person properly schooled in moral and social values know that elders must be treated with reverence at all times.

More so if the elders in questions are the parents of the one we claim to love. There is no way he can claim to love you without recognising the position of your parents (his potential in-laws) in your life. This is not negotiable irrespective of whatever reasons he may have for not greeting your parents.

If he loves you as much as you say, he would never, not matter what, treat your parents the way he is doing.

One thing is for someone to be reserved but another thing altogether if that person’s behaviour bothers on rudeness. He has no right to ask you that question about your parents. Even if your parents are the worst kind of human beings on earth, the most humble, he has no right to debase them the way he is doing. If he is demonstrating this type of contempt for your parents now when he is supposed to be showing them respect, what would happen if he goes ahead to marry you? Do you think he would ever welcome your parents to your house or give them the recognition they deserve as the people who brought you into this world? Would he be able to endure the disrespect as time goes on?

To be fair to him, he is giving you all the time in the world to know what you are getting into. He is not pretending to be who he is not so there is no way you can pretend or complain that he deceived you into anything.

The choice is yours; to either continue with a man who has no grain of respect for you or leave him for good. You are the one wearing the shoes; you know your limits. Therefore, do you think you have the emotional ability to cope with him or his behavior? Mind you, he might not change because after a certain age change becomes almost impossible for us to make. At 30, it might be difficult if not impossible to do away with a habit he has kept for three decades. It is like asking him to go for a complete mental surgery; he is like a dried fish and any attempt to exact too much pressure on him might make you lose him completely especially if you are certain about him being the most important person in your life.

Since he has not concealed from you this attitude of his, the ball is in your court to either continue to stomach his obvious rudeness to you and the persons of your parents or to develop the thick skin to ignore him.

If you do decide to continue with him, you must put mental structures in place to deal with this aspect of him. The first thing you do is to learn to ignore him absolutely and to plead with your parents to also pretend he doesn’t exist by alerting them on this major defect in his character. Warning them would make them not take him serious and stop them from getting agitated over his attitude.

You also have to prepare for the possibility of him insisting you adopt his life-style of keeping to himself. Marriage is a life time journey hence the need to be very serious when deciding who you spend the rest of your life with. With a man like yours, you must go the extra mile in thoughts because you would suffer the consequences of any ill-conceived decision. If you don’t begin from now to weigh all your options with the seriousness they deserve; situations may arise later in life which you may not be able to cope with.

Like I said, he has given you enough room to navigate; for this reason it would be totally out of place for you to weep over any unpleasant development in the future.

Your decision on him would determine whether you need to work on your shock absorbers or not. If your verdict is to stay on with him, do the wise thing of making up your mind to expect the worst; a situation wherein he forbids you the freedom to continue to visit your parents at will. Although it may seem far-fetched now but it could happen in the future. And unless you have prepared your mind now; you may never be able to cope with the shock of being denied the freedom to visit your parents as you like or be able to forgive him of the offence.

This is where you have to solicit the extra grace from God to be able to smile and continue to be yourself in this relationship. When you have the grace of God; apparently difficult things or people become possible. Therefore you need to focus on those areas of his person as well as attitude that would enable you cope with him. For instance what quality has he in abundance; something that swallows up the irritations but also very scarce in another man? Sincerely speaking you need something extra outstanding about him to be able to continue with him especially when the bile builds at his treatment of your folks.

Because we all need emotional equilibrium in our lives as well as relationships, don’t take a decision without first considering all the issues involved because you would have to live with the decisions as well as regrets of anything hasty.

To help, go to God in prayers to avert a major emotional disaster later in life.

Good luck. 

I’ve Lost My Elasticity

Dear Agatha,

My husband complained that I have lost some of my elasticity. This happened after the birth of our third child. Keeping in mind my husband’s reputation of with women, I am fearful if I don’t do something about my elasticity he would be forced to go outside our home for pleasure.

Please help me. How do I regain my elasticity and keep him from straying? I am desperate.

Desperate wife.

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Dear Desperate Wife,

Do not allow yourself to be put down by what your husband has said. Refuse to develop complex or anxiety over his observation because it would make solution very difficult. When a situation as tricky as this rears itself in a marriage; the ideal thing to do is to look at its merits and demerits.

That he has mentioned it doesn’t mean he is about to have an affair so bury this line of thought because it would only complicate things between you. In the first place, it would make it difficult for you to listen to the real plea behind his complaint.

Second, it would make you suspicious of every move he makes, including suspecting him of being with another woman when he is not with you.

This is one danger you must avoid. He has not accused you of not being good enough for him as a wife or not good in bed. Rather, he thinks you need help to improve on your love life. He must care and love you to have taken the risk of telling you this. Not many men would tell a wife this.

Like you, his body is also going through changes. As we grow older, we lose some of the elasticity of our youth. But this is not to say you should ignore what he has to say.

Unlike the male anatomy, which isn’t affected by the wear of childbirth, the woman’s body as well as anatomy goes through dramatic changes as she starts to give birth. Her body, due to all the pressures of birth as well as complications like tears, episiotomy as well as Cesarean, goes through constant wear and tear. Not all women can snap back into shape after childbirth.

Again, the elasticity level of one woman to the other varies. It is an individual thing. While some women remain ‘tight’ even after several childbirths, others, including some who haven’t even experienced childbirth, are not that lucky.

Since he is the one who has noticed, enlist his help by insisting he tells you precisely how bad your condition is. The essence of this is to help you both arrive at a solution that would work for both of you.

Having mentioned it to you; it means he feels seriously about it. Discussing it with him means you are taking his complaints seriously.

It would also give him the confidence to come up with positive suggestions. Don’t be ashamed or angry at him. Your body is his property and he has the right of an opinion.

In addition to whatever you come up with, there are one or two things you can do to help yourself. One of the most effective in tightening the pelvic muscles is to stop urine at top flow; after a while, release it for the urine to flow again. Do this repeatedly, even when you are not urinating. This simple exercise of voluntarily tightening up the pelvic muscles at intervals helps tone up the muscles as well as improves the quality of sex.

Another way is to go for a simple surgery to tighten both the inner muscles as well as the outer muscles of the vagina.

Whatever you both decide ensure that it is a solution you both agree on to avoid future complications that border on trust.

Good luck.

The Father Of My Son Is A Casanova

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with a boy with whom I have a son. My problem with him is his love for women.  He goes about denying having anybody serious in his life and even when I am around, he denies me as well as his son in the presence of these women.

But he would come back to apologise later after the ladies have left. I really want to leave him but I love him. What do I do?

Ufuoma.

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Dear Ufuoma,

The earlier you realised that you have your destiny right in your hands the better for you.

Yes, you have made the mistake of having a child for a man outside wedlock but don’t make another mistake of having another child for the same man when it is obvious he doesn’t know what he wants from life.

Although the choice of leaving him might be bitter but you must do it for your sake as well as your child’s.

A man who denies his child in the presence of another woman doesn’t sound responsible or one who has plans for you. To continue to endure his disrespect and act of irresponsibility is to expose your son to the life you should protect him against.

The issue now goes beyond you to the future of your son. Children pick their habits and build on the examples of those around them. If he grows up to an irresponsible father, one who delights in changing women like used tissue papers, who doesn’t care about respect and responsibility to him and his mother, it follows too he would grow up to pick one or two habits from his father.

This would happen because you appear not to be in the right position to offer him a good cover, a firm foundation to neutralise the negative influence of his father. Unless you do that, the chances of you ever being able to wrestle his freedom or future from the mistakes of you and his father entrusted on him through your decision to have him at the time you did may be very difficult.

To be frank with what you have said, this break is compulsory. Another thing which might be responsible for his attitude may be the manner the baby came. Was the pregnancy of the baby planned? Did you get his permission to become pregnant? Yes, he is the father but often than not, the decision to have a baby outside wedlock is the woman’s to make. At the point of giving yourself completely to him, you had a choice to insist on him wearing a protection if you weren’t protected yourself.

If you didn’t secure his permission, it follows he would continue to accuse you of trying to trap him in a situation he didn’t plan for. Although your man may have accepted to be a father to the child but it is only in name only. He is yet to accept the responsibility that goes with it and until he does, you must do all you can to play the roles of a mother and father in the interim.

There is nothing that says you must endure him in your life if he isn’t ready to be responsible.

Given your situation, what can you do? Do you have the qualifications to get a good job? There is always something for a determined mind, which isn’t proud or ashamed of humble beginnings. If you are not, look for something to sustain you and the child until his father comes around.

Stop hurting yourself by refusing to give a thought to him or his activities. Over time, when he realises you seem to be coping well without him and that you are not forcing him to face his responsibilities towards his son, the fear of losing out in his favour would force him to come back to his son, even if he doesn’t want you for keeps.

Just ask God to help you through this difficult time because it is never over until He says it is.

Good luck. 

She’s Afraid To Visit Me At Home…

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age while my girlfriend is 17. We have been dating for two years now. But the problem is that she has continued to resist my invitation that she visits me at home. Recently, I invited her to accompany me to visit my parents in the village since I desire to see them, again she refused.

Her attitude is hurting me in more ways than she knows. This is because I love her very much. I am seriously reconsidering my relationship with her, to the point of wanting to terminate it because I no longer derive joy from the relationship.

But what I feel for her is too deep to forget easily.

I am so confused. Please help me.

Max.

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Dear Max,

What do you want to discuss with her in the confines of your home that cannot be done in the open? Why do you need her to visit you before you can convince yourself of her feelings for you or yours for her?

At 17, she is too young. Any mistake she makes now would not only stall her present but also change the patterns of her future. Going out with you at her age is even a risk. Going to your house on a visit would not only be unwise but foolishness you should both avoid in the interest of your future.

No matter how well intentioned the visit starts out to be, the chemistry between a man and woman is too strong to be tempted. There is no way temptation would not set in, you would not desire to kiss or touch her in those places you dare not when you have an audience. Both of you may not have the intention of making love at first but without knowing how things got out of hand, you would definitely want to end what an innocent kiss started.

It is the way of men and women, even those who are experienced in the game of self-control fall easily into this temptation when the indices are right.

If you love this girl and desire progress for her, you won’t be thinking of quitting the relationship on account of her refusal to oblige your request for a visit to your house. What do you need her for in your house? Is it to talk, or your invitation intended to mask your true intentions? If it were just to talk, it should bother you so much if keeps refusing to come. But your intention to end the relationship shows that it is something deeper, the very thing the lady is trying to avoid.

Relationship building involves more than two people exchanging visits. It is all about sacrifices and having a focus for one another in life.

At 17 and 20 years of ages, you both cannot afford to face or deal with implications of premature sex. Having sex is about the simplest thing in the world but with it comes so many life changing implications. It is wrapped with challenges, responsibilities that out-live the major actors as well as life-changing implications.

Are you in particular ready for the consequences of having sex with a woman? The babies, the care and liability enveloped into having a baby?

Do you know the cost to her or you for that matter? Are you prepared to fend for mother and child? Are you ready psychologically for the task? At your age, it isn’t just about the baby but that of you and your girlfriend being ready for parenthood. What do you understand by being a parent? What do you know about the struggles, choices, sacrifices, emotional trauma, stress as well as all the in-descriptive in between emotional feelings that go with parenting a child? Do you have the wisdom and maturity to mentor a new life?

What about the quality of your feelings later? Can you sustain the feelings through thick and thin? Would you still feel the same thing for each other in later years when the challenges of the adult world catch up with both of you?

How much time have you taken out to study her character as a woman? Do you know what keeps her going? Do you have the understanding to cope with the changes that come with each year in our characters? These are things you must concern yourself with before inviting a woman into your house because if anything happens from the visit, you would have no choice but to live with the effects of the choice you made.

This is the major challenge that comes with sex. Although encapsulated in sweet tasting coating, the inside is a complexity only the brave minded of all men dare to challenge. Even those with years of intensive experiences are sometimes intimidated with all the huge bills and stress that come from something as simple as having sex with a woman.

Nothing in the beginning of the journey ever prepares one for the attached headaches. But if you are wise, look around you for those that have made the mistake and you will be glad to know that your girlfriend is who is wise.

Trust me you are not prepared for the challenge. That you are old enough to know what the anatomy of a woman is, isn’t the same as the maturity to deal with the responsibility thereof.

Forget your own desires now. Do what you have to ensure you give yourselves the needed opportunity to grow naturally into your roles in future.

Your future would be better if you properly allocate this time to concentrating on your studies, focusing on putting viable structures into place because there is no better time as now. The strength and opportunities you have now would never again come your way, not the freedom at least.

Sex would never go out of fashion so is a relationship. Allow her be. Don’t give up on her; instead, encourage her to continue to be decent by offering her your understanding, friendship as well as love.

These are the things she needs now, not visiting you at home. She needs to know you care, respect and concerned for her person. Whatever confidence she had going into a relationship with you at tender age of 15, is being eroded by your pressures on her. If you are not careful, you may lose one woman who would, in later years, become the best that has come your way.

The confusion you feel is your inability to have her where you want. Once you are able to get over that, you would be able to appreciate her better.

Good luck.