She Didn’t Tell Me About Her Son

Dear Agatha,

Please help me before I make the biggest mistake of my life.

Understand and appreciate the role you are playing in the lives of many people. I am sure a lot of people in my shoes or with other types of problems are aware of your rare contributions to the lives of many people through your daily column in the Independent titles. May God continue to bless you with more wisdom to do more for us and to enhance the quality of your life.

I got married eight years ago to the woman I thought I knew so much. We dated for four years, which makes it a total of 12 years that we have been together.

We have three children, two girls and a boy.

Agatha, given my experience with women, I thought I was beyond being surprised by them. Before I met my wife, I was in a relationship with a lady for six years but who dashed my hopes by dating my best friend.

The betrayal took a long time to heal. So you can imagine my current state of mind when I discovered by accident that the woman I have three children with, whom I thought I knew very well, has a 16-year-old son.

Ironically, the boy isn’t a total stranger to me. My wife’s family presented him to me as my wife’s nephew all along. According to them, he was the son of their late daughter. I had no reason to think otherwise until I came back home unexpectedly from a trip to a fight between my wife and her supposed nephew. From the doorway, I overheard him accusing my wife of being insensitive and wicked for sleeping well while she continues to deny him of the love of a mother.

He told her he was tired of being kept out of her life.

Since then my wife and her family have been running from pillar to post trying to explain why such an important information was kept from me. According to my wife, her mother insisted she kept it from me to prevent me from changing my mind about marrying her.

Agatha, given the way I felt about her then, I would still have married her.

In view of my latest discovery about her, I am not so sure I want to stay with a woman who can treat her own child so cruelly. If she can deny her own child, what assurances do I have, she won’t do the same to me when the going gets tough?

I don’t know what to do about my marriage anymore? I have lost confidence in her, the marriage as well as all the respect I have for her family.

I really want to end everything because if she can lie about having a child, how am I sure she hasn’t also lied about all the other things she has told me?

My parents say they would respect any decision I take on the matter. Would you, Agatha support my leaving this woman?

I am at the most critical cross-roads in my life.

Disappointed Man.

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Dear Disappointed Man,

No, I won’t support your packing up your marriage even though your wife’s conduct leaves much to be desired.

You see, marriage is a long journey into the unknown. At times, it is so sweet while at other times, it is very bitter and painful. Marriage draws its attributes and character from life itself, which is never stable. It takes real determination not to give up on life when the pains become too much to bear.

Doubtless, life must have dealt you some very excruciating pains before. I am sure, determination made you overcome those pains, as well as give you the needed will to go on trying. This is not different from all the other pains you have gone through.

Much as I appreciate this bouquet of pain comes with much more stings, the fact remains that without a will to let go of the horrors of today, you may not be able to forgive your wife.

By focusing alone on the betrayal and the attendant implications of her actions, you will never be able to think rationally about the other even more damaging implications of quitting the marriage.

Think of the children whose lives would be affected at the end of the day. Doubtless your wife did the unpardonable but scratching an itch with the intensity it requires would only attract blood and scars.

Nobody would blame you too much if you find it difficult to trust her for a long time to come. What you are feeling is very natural because trust has been broken and your person taken for a fool.

But all these would change if you give yourself time to heal naturally. Incomprehensible as her actions may be, listen to her reasons for doing it and ask yourself with all the honesty you have within you if you would have considered marrying her if you knew? And if you would have, what about your family? Would they have approved of you marrying her?

Think of all the angles to it. Also, factor in the influence of her mother and family. If her family pressured her into not telling you and going ahead to introduce the child to you as that of their dead daughter, the matter went beyond her.

From their stance, they didn’t want to take any chance and must have told her if you left her on account of the child, they would not be there to cushion her fall.

Fear may have been the real reason she didn’t tell you. And as time went on, it became more difficult for her to tell the truth.

This is usual given the period of time between when you found out and when you both met.

Only time can really heal you of this wound because it is really deep. For now, let your mind focus on the good times you have had with her in your 12 years of being together. Remember how it was before this unfortunate incident happened. To have married her after four years of dating and having three children with her shows that she means so much to you; that you both have something unusually peaceful.

Yes, she erred terribly by refusing to trust you with the secret of her past and allowing herself to be willing collaborator in the scheme of her parents but what is prime here is the quality of happiness she has brought into your life as well as the gift of fatherhood.

What would you tell your children later in life? That you drove their mother away on account of their brother? By then the story of her not telling you would not be so bad but the memory and incident of sending her away on account of a person who is related to them by blood would never leave their memory.

Whatever you say by then to justify your actions, it might not make much sense to them.

Also, think of the effect it would have on the boy if he knows that his mother was sent away because of him. Because of what has happened to him in the past, he would consider it as another evidence of rejection. He would never believe you are on his side.

Granted, he may not be related to you but he is to your children.

Because of the uncertainty of the future, the best you can do for him now is to help integrate him into the family. Remember, he is an innocent party.

Let your wife explain the circumstances of his birth and why his father isn’t involved in his life. It might make it easier for you to understand why she decided on her option. Most times it is easier to condemn when we are not in the position of those we take delight in condemning.

Much as she doesn’t have the right to deny her son, when a young woman is faced by the choices she had to make when she met you, the easier option seems to be the most appealing.

The health of every marriage is dependent on unconditional forgiveness.

Your parents understand this which is why they have given you the liberty to take your decisions. This marriage would only survive if you play the role of the father, which you are, by having the heart to forgive her.

I know it isn’t easy but this is the stuff real marriages are made of.

Going to God in prayer would make forgiveness easier.

Good luck. 

He Has Taken To Drinking Heavily

Dear Agatha,

I am a mother of four children and I have been married for 10 years. The major problem I am facing now is my husband, who has taken to drinking alcohol, a habit he never indulged in before now.

Regina.

 

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Dear Regina,

When a human being take to habits totally alien to everything he or she believed in then two things are obviously wrong.

The first could be peer influences or stressful situations either at home or in the office.

Is he out of job? Has he recently acquired strange friends whose lifestyles are entirely different from his? How close are the two of you and how well do you know him, his friends, challenges, thoughts and dreams?

Judging by the current standards in your home, can you in all honesty say he has achieved much as a man especially compared to his childhood friends and peers?

Having had four children together, you must have a fair knowledge of your husband to know that all is not well and that his recently acquired habit is a clarion call for help.

What first aid have you applied to it beyond voicing it out?

This is a very delicate matter, which requires wisdom, comprehensive analysis as well as absolute honesty to navigate.

There is no contesting the fact that your marriage is in danger of lack of direction; brought about by logistics, which you must unearth.

Can you remember the time it started and what happened at the time he took to drinking? It may not be something very fundamental but anything could be used as an excuse by anybody desirous of misbehaving.

Begin the searchlight from your end. As a spouse how would you rate yourself as well as describe your place in this man’s life?

Are you the loyal and dedicated type, the woman who is positive minded and not easily influenced by the evidences of what she sees? Most often than not, women unwittingly push their husbands into opposite ends of their normal behavioural patterns.

Your husband would not take to drinking without a real reason. Is his home conducive in terms of emotional peace? If he waited until you have had four children to become alcoholic, then something is very wrong somewhere. What changed about you to make him dread the idea of coming home? Nagging is one of the easiest ways to drive any person insane particularly a man who desires peace in his life and home.

Look back at the woman you were, the one he met and fell in love with, married and have children with to the one you are now? What has changed dramatically about the two women? Are you still as loving and supportive of him as you were before or one who is constantly reminding him of his failures as a man?

Taking to drink and not women shows he is not doing it for pleasure or that he is irresponsible. It is a clear indication that he is going through a severe and stressful situation. An irresponsible man would take to women without thinking twice about the effect his passion for the skirt would cause his family.

His attraction to alcohol is to give him the peace he obviously craves for. It is an escapist route meant to keep reality away. So, what reality is he escaping from? You can only help him by admitting to the truth concerning the quality of your marriage.

If you are the problem, don’t hesitate to retrace your steps because the deeper he gets into the habit the more difficult it becomes to wean him off it.

By making conscious effort to change would signal a corresponding desire on his part to do away with this habit because in the first place the dependency isn’t something he is enjoying at all. He is only doing it for the simple reason of escaping to an imaginary perfect world completely different from the situation he is experiencing at home.

You need an all-embracing attitude to do a good job of this and can only be accomplished if you think there is a lot to be salvaged remaining in the marriage.

There is no way you can be honest if you are also going through bouts of emotional pain, accompanied by disappointment at having made the wrong choice. Whether you admit to it or not, there must be something about your marriage that isn’t making you short-fussed. Don’t be afraid to bring it out of the inner part of the cupboard you have hidden all your fears because there may never be this kind of opportunity to openly and boldly address it.

If this is what you are going through, you have to take time out on your own to sort out your feelings. This means finding a way of getting through to him with the aim of talking things over, sharing your thoughts together and finding a loophole in your bitterness to exploit to the good of your marriage.

You may not know until this development that your marriage was going down the slope. Men unlike women are not talkative, they believe more in actions than talking and nagging.

To help you both recover from your individual disappointments, attempts must be made to focus on wrestling your marriage from the extra baggage challenges of marriage usually visit on a union between man and wife.

If you see it as what ever other couple is battling with, chances of both of you being able to get it behind both of you is very high but, if you think it is peculiar to your marriage, it might consume both of you.

Your solution is not the kind that must be rushed or forced. Get him to listen and dialogue with you. Use your body, food and all the good things he likes about you to get him to come home sober and willing to talk because he cannot be on alcohol throughout the day.

Once peace is assured at home dig deep into his official life. Is he happy with his work? What is his relationship with his bosses and co-workers? Is he getting job satisfaction from what he is doing? Is he involved in any deal that is putting him under undue pressure? A good wife should know what her husband thinks about his choice of career and his level of satisfaction. If he isn’t fulfilled, encourage him to quit and go solo. As his wife, your job is to ensure he has the peace of mind to execute his functions as the head of the home. Anything that would remove from his pride as the man of the house must be avoided by at all cost. A woman’s first job is to provide succour and coverage for her man at all times.

One of such ways is to be on her knees constantly praying her husband out of danger and into huge success. That your husband is finding succour in beer bottles might be an indication that you are weak spiritually hence cannot give him the spiritual help he needs to be happy and successful.

A lot would depend on how far you are ready to go for this man who stole your heart away several years ago.

There is also the need for you to check the new friends that have mingled with his old friends. Take time out to investigate them. Who among them is a very negative influence, pray that person out of his life before he does more damage to your home.

Don’t do the common thing of fighting that friend. Pretend you are not aware of the damage he is doing to your home. To physically engage the enemy in a fight for supremacy over your husband would not be in your interest because your husband is already too involved with them.

By also encouraging your husband to come home to drink if he must drink would make hanging out with the ‘boys’ unnecessary. In situation like this, you cannot afford to be too rigid at this point when the battle is fierce. Being uncompromising would only lose the battle for you. Allowing him to drink at home would enable you monitor him as well as put the habit under control.

You also have to beam your searchlight on external forces like his own extended family as well as his confidence. If his friends are all making it and he isn’t doing so well, your task is to give him all the encouragement to bring him out of his melancholy you have to give him every reason to want to challenge and defeat his situation.

What he needs now is a delicate handling until he is strong enough psychologically to face life stumbling.

Being alert spiritually would at the end of the day solve so many problems for you and your marriage.

Good luck. 

I Have A Monter Mother-in-law

Dear Agatha,

Since coming into my husband’s house, I have not had peace for a second.

My mother-in-law has been my major headache. To compound it all, my husband is on her side.

I don’t know what wrong I have done marrying into the family. She thinks I am not good enough for her son and because of this has told her son she would never visit him until I pack out of the house.

Our marriage is blessed with a boy and a girl.

Her current position is informed by what she terms as my rudeness, which in my opinion exists only in her imagination. Besides, on the first day I met her, my husband then my boyfriend told her what I said the first day we met. He meant it as a joke, to get his mother to support our marriage plans. Although I didn’t mean it, I told my husband I won’t marry him because he has a mother. When he questioned my reason for not wanting to marry a man who has a mother, I told him, mothers-in-law were wicked and never allowed their daughters-in-law enjoy their marriages.

Immediately he made that statement, I noticed the change in his mother’s mood and when I pointed this out to my husband, he dismissed it.

I expected her to come and help look after my baby when I had my first child but instead she told me she couldn’t because dead people don’t perform such task. She told me since I wished her dead; I should look elsewhere for help. But she went to the house of my husband’s twin brother to help with his child.

I was very angry at this that when she came to our house to visit the baby, I refused to give her the baby to hold. Since my husband wasn’t at home, I gave her a piece of my mind.

Although she didn’t report me to my husband, I did but omitted everything I told her. My husband didn’t like what happened. I am sure his mother eventually told him what I said because he came back home to fight me for insulting his mother.

He must have prevailed on his mother because she came at the birth of our second child but left after a week. Since then it has been a cat and rat relationship between us until she eventually told my husband last week she would never come to his house until I left.

What is happening is exactly why I never wanted to marry a man whose mother is still alive.

The issue now is, my husband thinks I have been very unfair to his mother and so also is the wife of his twin brother. She thinks my mother-in-law is a good woman but from where I stand she is ruining my home. Now my husband has stopped eating my food because he is under the impression I drove his mother away from his house.

All I want is to have a happy home. Please tell me how to make my husband support as well as understand me.

I love him but he should understand that my happiness can only be complete if he doesn’t see me as his mother’s enemy.

What should I do to make my husband who thinks I am being unfair to his mother understand as well as appreciate my position?

Worried Wife.

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Dear Worried Wife,

From all you have narrated, your mother-in-law isn’t to blame for what is happening in your home. I honestly agree you are being grossly unfair to this woman. You came with a notion that all mothers-in-law are wicked hence passed judgment on her before you even met her. Such preemptive positions only causes huge problems like the one you are facing now.

Sincerely, you are the architect of your problems. How would you feel as a mother if your son’s girlfriend tells him the only condition she can date him is if he hasn’t a mother?

How would you react to someone wishing you were dead all because she thinks you would be her problem?

One day, your son would be old enough to bring a woman home to you. Put yourself in this woman’s position if the lady who intends to marry your son expresses the same sentiments you expressed? Would you be happy at being condemned even before you are given a chance to prove yourself? Would you ever have the confidence to stay with such a person knowing that nothing you do will ever please such a woman who clearly thinks you are evil? Imagine how you would feel if your daughter-in-law engages you in a verbal war of words? Be honest, would you be happy at such open disrespect? If for nothing else, this woman is old enough to be your mother. Would you insult your own mother the way you insulted her? Or has your mother not done things that really got you very angry to warrant you almost lashing out on her? How would you react to your husband trading insults with your mother? Even if his mother deserves the action to be tongue lashed by you, the fact that she is his mother deserves some considerations by you.

Fair is fair! If this woman didn’t come to help you with your child it is because she doesn’t want problems with you knowing what you think of her. She went to your sister-in-law’s place because she found peace and love in that house. That your sister-in-law sees nothing wrong with her is a clear sign that you should focus more on your own inadequacies as a person.

If she were that terrible as a mother-in-law, this other woman would be on your side, not hers.

More often than not, young women create problems for themselves. In the first place, this is a woman you have never met, don’t know and have no experience with.  You have never been married so have never been victimised by a mother-in-law. To condemn your mother-in-law and pass a death sentence on her on account of what others told you about their mothers-in-law or your observations of what you think is happening in the homes of others is very unfair.

That she failed to report all the nasty things you told her to her son shows a woman who is truly desirous of ensuring peace in the home of her children.

What you should do to gain back the happiness you lost is to learn to love this woman as your mother. You won’t gain anything by fighting her; rather you stand to lose everything including the love of your husband.

She has been more than accommodating. For her to have come to help you with your second child despite the hostility of your attitude communicates a willingness on her part to make peace.

Think of when you would graduate from being a wife to a mother-in-law to help appreciate the position of this woman and her son. There is no way you can claim to love this man without showing love and respect for the woman who brought him into the world, cared and loved him until he became your husband.

Let’s agree for the sake of argument that she is as bad as the typical mothers-in-law, is fighting, abusing or being disrespectful to her a panacea to the problem? How would you feel if your mother goes through the same treatment in the hands of your brother’s wife?

Refusing to give her the baby when she came visiting was the height of it.

The real victim of battles between mothers and their sons’ wives are the men who are the centre of it all. If you think your mother-in-law would be the loser, you better have a rethink. No man would stand by and watch his wife disrespect his mother without a sound reason. It would have been a different kettle of fish if your mother-in-law has been combative, condemning of you as well as showing you undeserved hostility.

If you are serious about gaining back the peace you lost through your carelessness, go and make peace with this woman. Ignore whatever she has said about you leaving her son’s house; that statement was made to pass across her hurt at the way you have treated her.

Go and beg her. Apologise to her over the way you have responded or treated her. Tell her that you based your judgment unjustly on all the things you have heard about other mothers-in-law.

Honestly, your recalcitrant position would do you no good. Instead, it would only aggravate the situation in your home. Even if it is a real threat, stoop low to win this battle.

Going to her alone would give both of you the chance without an audience to settle. Share your fears from the beginning with her. Don’t try to defend what you said or your inherent fear. By simply owning up to your fear would make it easier for her to understand the context you made the statement. It would also inform her on her to treat your fears.

The absence of your husband as well as his lack of knowledge of your peace initiative would also convince her of your sincerity to the whole development.

When going, take along her grandchildren. Their presence would help ease things between the two of you. No matter how pained she is at your attitude towards her the presence of the children would break the ice to make conversation possible.

It is only after this you should apologise to your husband. He would gladly listen to you if he discovers you have made peace with his mother.

Importantly, pray and never be quick in passing judgment on people.

Good luck. 

Help! I’m Hooked On Viagra

Dear Agatha,

Please, I need urgent help over a matter, which may become a serious threat to my marriage if not handled urgently.

I got married some months ago and have been using Viagra pills to enhance my sexual life. But the danger now is if I desist from taking it for sometime, I am unable to achieve full erection. My queries are; is it good for me to keep using it? Are there side effects to it in the long run?

Concerned Brother.

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Dear Concerned Brother,

Isn’t the evidence of your inability to achieve full erection anytime you stay away from the pill enough proof that it has long-term implications?

Over indulgence or dependence on anything in life always comes with side effects after a long while. Nature is the only thing that gives absolute happiness and results.

The essence of Viagra is to help those with problems overcome it and not for everyday usage. All drugs are subject to abuse when overused or used in the wrong ways.

In the first place, who recommended it for you? Viagra is not an off the shelf drug like simple painkillers. It can only be used on prescription by the doctor who after thorough examination of you anatomy and history feels it is necessary to help you recover.

If it was prescribed by a doctor, for how long were you expected to use it and what was it supposed to correct?

Did you go for an evaluation after the period for which you were supposed to use it?

And if on the other hand you obtained it for yourself without the knowledge of a doctor, for how long have you depended on it? What made you to embrace it?

Viagra, though conceived as an aphrodisiac, was never intended by the manufacturers to be used everyday. As a matter of fact, it was intended for men in their prime who through aging are losing some of their vibrancy not for young men who are still agile. It was meant to keep the light going in the twilight years of couples and not for those in their dawning days.

Since you have started noticing the major symptom of its side-effect, please go to a specialist immediately and for your sake, not the chemist but a trained medical personal equipped to help you recover from your dependence on the drug as well as point you at appropriate measures to take to help you recover you libido fully.

If you don’t act immediately as well as seek quality help, your marriage would be affected because sex cannot be compromised in marriage especially a nascent one as yours.

Having made the first mistake, don’t allow pride stop you from correcting it. There are several natural ways of helping yourself get started. All you have to do is to use more of your imagination. Besides, you should discuss your problem with your wife who may have several ideas of how to excite you without you needing any drug to. Remember she is your wife and also involved in this matter so tell her your challenge because two are better than one.

Sometimes, the aphrodisiac we think we need or quest for can easily be supplied by our partners if only we are willing to let them invest in our solutions.

Whatever problems made you seek the solace of this sex-enhancing pill could have been resolved through the help of your partner if only you had told her.

There is nothing as stimulating as the touch of one’s partner and help when it comes to lovemaking. When two people are in love and are not pretentious or suspicious there is no height they cannot achieve together in the bedroom.

As a matter of fact, sex performance enhancing drugs actually kill natural initiatives because rather than give the couple the chance of getting to discover their natural spots; marvel in the excitement of working each other up to a plateau; these drugs eliminate all these natural process of discovery and bonding because they get men in particular ready for action seconds after their consumption. All these drugs do is to give unusual strength to the man to ride without providing him with the knowledge of how to take along his partner or give himself the time to develop his act.

The failure of this drug to keep you in premium performance may actually be a blessing in disguise; blessing for you and your woman to go back in time to the beginning and to find your particular rhythm in the bedroom.

That one is able to have sex is not the same thing as being able to make love. There is a world of difference between the two. Sex enhancing drugs give its user only the ability to have sex; it doesn’t develop or teach its user the act of lovemaking, which is why the natural way is still the best because it involves the mind, the spirit in addition to the physical thing.

Besides, these drugs don’t come with a warning manufactures should be compelled to carry; which is users would always need to increase their dosages after a while to ensure optimum effectiveness. Unless consumption of drugs is properly managed, it could lead to addiction because after a while, recommended dosage appears to work less, which after a while prompts the user to double the recommended dosage for better results.

Sincerely, you may not need other enhancer if you bury your pride as a man to tell your wife about this challenge you are going through. At any rate, she would discover the truth by the time your performance diminishes hence your need to carry her along because it would be more difficult for you to convince her to understand with you if she discovers your problem by herself.

There is no issue in marriage that cannot be resolved amicably if couples are honest. Problems occur when one of the parties refuses to tell the other person the truth regarding issues.

If you have problems with your erection, the wise thing is to tell the woman in your life and home. Don’t forget that you are not the one that suffers the consequences but this woman who would have to live with not being able to get her fill of her man.

She it is who would have to live with the dissatisfaction of not having a fulfilled sexual life in addition to attendant frustration.

For the sake of your marriage as well as peace in your home, tell her everything about yourself. For instance, she should be told how it all started and what pushed you into taking the drugs.

Not only would she appreciate the honesty, though she might be annoyed at the beginning, but at least it would prepare her for the challenge of helping you recover fully as well giving the right support to source for other cures doctors may think you need to treat your addiction.

Also, the knowledge would help her know how to direct her petition to God.

Good luck. 

My Husband Caught Me With Another Man

Dear Agatha,

Please help me because my marriage is in big trouble.

I don’t know what came over me or why I did it. All I know is, I betrayed my husband, the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally and I was caught red-handed in the act.

Our marriage is six years old and blessed with three children. I was pregnant with our first child when we got married. Nobody in his family or even among his friends believed that our first child was really his. But he told them not to bother about the paternity of the child; that even if the child wasn’t his, he was ready to accept its paternity as a result of the love he has for me.

That statement made me change from my wayward way of life. Before then, I was quite notorious for my indiscriminate lifestyle.

I followed any man who could pay for my services. I wasn’t really into full time prostitution but I wasn’t any better than those who were in it because money was the only reason I would consider any man’s request.

I met my husband through this process. I could tell from the moment I first saw him that he was different but I told myself good looks were worthless without money.

He captivated me when I discovered he could more than meet my needs.

He became a regular visitor to my house and gradually edged out all the other men with his charm and money.

Before I got pregnant he had hinted at the possibility of us making our relationship permanent but I kept ignoring him since marriage had never featured in my plan.

I was really upset when I discovered I was with child and made attempts to terminate it but he prevailed on me not to. I didn’t understand how it had happened and why.

That was how I became his wife amid protests from his family and friends. That he didn’t mind my reputation made me very determined to be a good wife to him. For six years, I did just that until I ran into an old friend of mine who is now a serving senator.

One thing led to the other and we got back together. Unfortunately, I was discovered on our first date. I don’t know how my husband got to know but as I stepped out of the hotel room with the senator still cuddling me, it was my husband we ran into.

He didn’t say anything. He simply left me and walked away.

I didn’t bother to run after him out of fear that it was over.

That night, he didn’t come home. By the time he came in the morning, I was ready and packed. I only waited so that I could tell him where I was taking the children.

To my surprise, he refused to let me out of the house. He told me I couldn’t leave his house or the children since he hasn’t given me permission to.

For a month we lived like strangers; he only spoke to the kids and completely ignored my existence. I had no choice but to go and report myself to the one friend of his who stood by us through the years.

Surprisingly, he didn’t know about what I had done but promised to talk to my husband after tongue lashing me and calling me a big disappointment.

I guessed he did because my husband came back home very angry that I told his friend. That night, he asked why I did it.

I didn’t have any excuse and I am so ashamed of myself.

Even though he has promised not to send me out of the house and to give our marriage another chance, he has since become distant from me and the fun has died. Although he has resumed making love to me, from his attitude afterwards, I know he is only doing it as a duty rather than from any pleasure.

Agatha, please tell me how to save my marriage because for the first time in my life, I am not only in love but also experiencing fear for the first time. He just isn’t the man I married as he seldom smiles or discusses his business and interests with me anymore. When we are in public or have company, he tries to make things appear normal but I know they are far from being normal.

Timi.

 

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Dear Timi,

That he is willing to continue with the marriage despite the evidence of your betrayal shows he really loves you.

It is pointless telling you now that you acted irresponsibly and are ungrateful to have gone back to the past from which this man snatched you by his marriage to you.

No matter what might have prompted it, you should have considered the moral risk as well as the humiliation he must have suffered among his circle of friends and relations when he stood by you.

The fact that he got wind of your movements shows that people were simply waiting for you to make the move to mock your husband’s decision to marry you.

Sincerely, he has done what most men would never do. Not only did he willing claim the shame of your past but shielded you afterwards despite finding out how you betrayed him from his family and friends.

You owe this man a lot, more than a lifetime of gratitude.

Giving what he saw, it isn’t going to be so easy to make him forget. Don’t ignore the fact that in going out with your former lover, you indirectly passed a vote of no confidence on him and your marriage.

Not only did you, through the act signify the meaningless of your six years together, but also a readiness to resume your way of life. This might not be a true assessment of your feelings for this man and marriage but your conduct gives it this interpretation.

If you have never believed in God, this is the time for you to move close to Him because He is the only one that has the ability to reach your husband in that place he is hurting the most.

Doubtless, you have not only betrayed him but inflicted cruel pain on him. Whatever dreams he had of both of you crashed that day he saw you with another man. You also crushed his pride as a man and called his judgment and feelings for you to question.

All these would take time to build again. When he made the decision to marry you, he had no illusions about the challenge ahead of him hence his willingness to ignore the opinion of his family members and friends then. But now, having lived, invested himself, trust and emotions into building a family with you, discovering you haven’t changed much from the woman he first met would no doubt affect the way he feels about you and the marriage.

Time would take away his pain. Give him the chance to heal naturally, not rush him to accept your own timetable.

If you rush him into accepting your apologies, he would not heal naturally and that in the long run would be too much of a burden on him to carry. Don’t forget you have hurt him deeply, the most brutal way in which a woman could ever hurt a man. Given his disposition, he would definitely heal but he needs your help in the area of showing him how sorry you are and how much you want to win back his trust.

Learn to be patient, understanding, supportive and loving. On his part, he would need all these assurances to know he has something worth living for in you and the marriage.

Sincerely, he doesn’t know if he has anything left, probably one of the reasons he didn’t want you to go. It is up to you to demonstrate that he has more than enough to live for.

Begin by wooing him back into your life unconditionally. Send the children on a weekend at the house of his friend to enable you both have private time together. Continue saying sorry in all the ways possible until time and God allow him the clear mindedness to say and mean it.

Perseverance gives bitter-leaf its sweetness at the end of the day.

God will grant it to you to be able to win back the love of this man.

Good luck.