My Husband Caught Me With Another Man

Dear Agatha,

Please help me because my marriage is in big trouble.

I don’t know what came over me or why I did it. All I know is, I betrayed my husband, the only man who has ever loved me unconditionally and I was caught red-handed in the act.

Our marriage is six years old and blessed with three children. I was pregnant with our first child when we got married. Nobody in his family or even among his friends believed that our first child was really his. But he told them not to bother about the paternity of the child; that even if the child wasn’t his, he was ready to accept its paternity as a result of the love he has for me.

That statement made me change from my wayward way of life. Before then, I was quite notorious for my indiscriminate lifestyle.

I followed any man who could pay for my services. I wasn’t really into full time prostitution but I wasn’t any better than those who were in it because money was the only reason I would consider any man’s request.

I met my husband through this process. I could tell from the moment I first saw him that he was different but I told myself good looks were worthless without money.

He captivated me when I discovered he could more than meet my needs.

He became a regular visitor to my house and gradually edged out all the other men with his charm and money.

Before I got pregnant he had hinted at the possibility of us making our relationship permanent but I kept ignoring him since marriage had never featured in my plan.

I was really upset when I discovered I was with child and made attempts to terminate it but he prevailed on me not to. I didn’t understand how it had happened and why.

That was how I became his wife amid protests from his family and friends. That he didn’t mind my reputation made me very determined to be a good wife to him. For six years, I did just that until I ran into an old friend of mine who is now a serving senator.

One thing led to the other and we got back together. Unfortunately, I was discovered on our first date. I don’t know how my husband got to know but as I stepped out of the hotel room with the senator still cuddling me, it was my husband we ran into.

He didn’t say anything. He simply left me and walked away.

I didn’t bother to run after him out of fear that it was over.

That night, he didn’t come home. By the time he came in the morning, I was ready and packed. I only waited so that I could tell him where I was taking the children.

To my surprise, he refused to let me out of the house. He told me I couldn’t leave his house or the children since he hasn’t given me permission to.

For a month we lived like strangers; he only spoke to the kids and completely ignored my existence. I had no choice but to go and report myself to the one friend of his who stood by us through the years.

Surprisingly, he didn’t know about what I had done but promised to talk to my husband after tongue lashing me and calling me a big disappointment.

I guessed he did because my husband came back home very angry that I told his friend. That night, he asked why I did it.

I didn’t have any excuse and I am so ashamed of myself.

Even though he has promised not to send me out of the house and to give our marriage another chance, he has since become distant from me and the fun has died. Although he has resumed making love to me, from his attitude afterwards, I know he is only doing it as a duty rather than from any pleasure.

Agatha, please tell me how to save my marriage because for the first time in my life, I am not only in love but also experiencing fear for the first time. He just isn’t the man I married as he seldom smiles or discusses his business and interests with me anymore. When we are in public or have company, he tries to make things appear normal but I know they are far from being normal.

Timi.

 

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Dear Timi,

That he is willing to continue with the marriage despite the evidence of your betrayal shows he really loves you.

It is pointless telling you now that you acted irresponsibly and are ungrateful to have gone back to the past from which this man snatched you by his marriage to you.

No matter what might have prompted it, you should have considered the moral risk as well as the humiliation he must have suffered among his circle of friends and relations when he stood by you.

The fact that he got wind of your movements shows that people were simply waiting for you to make the move to mock your husband’s decision to marry you.

Sincerely, he has done what most men would never do. Not only did he willing claim the shame of your past but shielded you afterwards despite finding out how you betrayed him from his family and friends.

You owe this man a lot, more than a lifetime of gratitude.

Giving what he saw, it isn’t going to be so easy to make him forget. Don’t ignore the fact that in going out with your former lover, you indirectly passed a vote of no confidence on him and your marriage.

Not only did you, through the act signify the meaningless of your six years together, but also a readiness to resume your way of life. This might not be a true assessment of your feelings for this man and marriage but your conduct gives it this interpretation.

If you have never believed in God, this is the time for you to move close to Him because He is the only one that has the ability to reach your husband in that place he is hurting the most.

Doubtless, you have not only betrayed him but inflicted cruel pain on him. Whatever dreams he had of both of you crashed that day he saw you with another man. You also crushed his pride as a man and called his judgment and feelings for you to question.

All these would take time to build again. When he made the decision to marry you, he had no illusions about the challenge ahead of him hence his willingness to ignore the opinion of his family members and friends then. But now, having lived, invested himself, trust and emotions into building a family with you, discovering you haven’t changed much from the woman he first met would no doubt affect the way he feels about you and the marriage.

Time would take away his pain. Give him the chance to heal naturally, not rush him to accept your own timetable.

If you rush him into accepting your apologies, he would not heal naturally and that in the long run would be too much of a burden on him to carry. Don’t forget you have hurt him deeply, the most brutal way in which a woman could ever hurt a man. Given his disposition, he would definitely heal but he needs your help in the area of showing him how sorry you are and how much you want to win back his trust.

Learn to be patient, understanding, supportive and loving. On his part, he would need all these assurances to know he has something worth living for in you and the marriage.

Sincerely, he doesn’t know if he has anything left, probably one of the reasons he didn’t want you to go. It is up to you to demonstrate that he has more than enough to live for.

Begin by wooing him back into your life unconditionally. Send the children on a weekend at the house of his friend to enable you both have private time together. Continue saying sorry in all the ways possible until time and God allow him the clear mindedness to say and mean it.

Perseverance gives bitter-leaf its sweetness at the end of the day.

God will grant it to you to be able to win back the love of this man.

Good luck. 

She Is 25, He Is 75

 

Dear Agatha,

I pray Almighty God continues to make your column relevant to millions of your enthusiastic readers throughout the world.

Agatha, is it right for a young woman of 25 years of age to marry a man of 75? This man has been divorced for close to two decades with well to do and educated grown up children, old enough to be fathers to this lady. The man himself is well educated and well to do with an impeccable character and well respected in the community. The lady has a Higher National Diploma. 

I am on her side and would give my support when the issue is made public to other members of the family. But I don’t know how best to help her in terms of the support I should give. Please help my family out of this problem before it is too late.

Concerned Brother

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Dear Concerned Brother,

There is nothing wrong in her decision provided she can cope with all the attendant challenges that come with such a package.

To give her quality help, you must first of all be convinced about her reason for wanting to marry this man. You must also appreciate her motive from the beginning as well as the consequences of her marrying a man who is 50 years older than she is.

To convince the family and puncture whatever reservations they may have, you must clinically examine her own thorough understanding of what she is going into.

Doubtless, life is about risk taking but such risks must be thoroughly understood from the beginning. One of the major concerns would be what would happen to her when the man dies given the fact that he has well established children as well as grandchildren. It is also instructive for her to think about the other woman who began life with him. Being divorced for two decades isn’t the same thing as being completely absent in his life.

Your sister should be interested in what type of relationship they have. There is no contesting the fact that this man’s presence might be sufficient for now in keeping this woman and her children from interfering but would that continue after he dies?

As a young girl marrying a man thrice her age, she should first consider getting introduced to all the stakeholders in the family. This is to help her enjoy her marriage as well as widowhood. She has to earn the sympathy of some members of the family to convince the others who would naturally think she married this man for reasons other than love. To convince other members of your family who too may wonder at the manner of love that would make a young girl give up her youth, encourage her to meet with his ex-wife, the children as well as the grandchildren. As a matter of fact, she must submit herself to ensuring she gains the trust of these groups of persons.

At the age this man is, this marriage is beyond him. He may be the one who is lonely, who needs a companion in his life but the age of your sister is the big problem. She must also consider the vital question of sexual satisfaction. It would be a major issue but one which nobody except people close to her cannot openly discuss due to its sensitivity.

Being young and in her prime, there is no way she can deny the thirst of her body. And if she isn’t getting the quality of satisfaction from her man, frustration may force her to look elsewhere. For this reason, this issue has to be thoroughly examined because it is one problem, which even marriages between two agile and young persons, has the potential of ending a union within months.

To be sure you understand precisely what you are supporting, ask the intimate question of how she intends coping with her sex life given the fact that age may have denied the man the vibrancy of his youth. Because you have elected to support her, you will be held responsible if this doesn’t work out. Even if nobody publicly condemns your support of her, guilt will never let you forget the role you played in her life. She may not like your line of questioning but asking would make her think seriously about all the angles to this marriage.

Encourage her to read up textbooks on how younger women married to older men executed their marriages successfully without getting their hands burnt.

Importantly, you have to help make her comprehend all the primary, secondary and tertiary issues at stake in a marriage. Honestly, if you don’t have the experience, you may not be in the best position to prepare her or give her useful hints.

Marriage to an older man comes with different kinds of challenges. And one of these is being able to publicly advertise the relationship without feeling out of place. Can she carry her marriage with the pride and respect it demands? How prepared is she for the reactions of the public when she is introduced as this man’s bride?

She must consider what her feelings and reactions would be when she comes across her friends and colleagues or past dates if seen in company of her husband. The human mind is very funny. The moment she allows herself to be discredited by her decision to marry this man or made to feel ashamed of her husband, she would never recover the equilibrium to be happy as she would begin to feel uncomfortable and resentful of his presence in her life. This is really the test for her. If she is unable to fully embrace the merit of her decision to spend the rest of her life with this man, convincing people around her would be very difficult.

As with all other marriages, she must hold on strongly to a feature or features she likes about this man. This would enable her appreciate him on those days things look very bad, when it looks as if she made a mistake to have agreed to marriage with him. She must see their age differences as mere figures which even if the world doesn’t feel comfortable with, is not important in holding down her happiness. She must glow with the pride of making the right choice and be really happy with it.

Liking him as a friend is also important. She must be able to laugh with him, at him and still show respect for his position as her husband as well as an older person. She must at all times maintain a very delicate balance between her position as his wife as well as someone much younger than he is. Her failure to recognise that the huge difference in their ages demands she at all times, irrespective of where they are, accord him all the respect he deserves would make the marriage difficult for her. This is because, in her attempt to exercise her rights as his wife, she risks destroying everything this man has worked for in terms of image building and family harmonisation.

Therefore, you must help her focus on her attitude around this man, especially when they have an audience. She must also factor into this marriage that for 20 years this man has been his own boss not answerable to any woman in his life. If she hopes to enjoy this marriage whatever reforms she may have, must be done gradually so as not to put too much pressure on him and turn him off the idea of the marriage. This is because, at his age, he has nothing major to lose, whereas she has a lot to considering the huge differences in their ages.

She must also be caring to accommodate and support the demands his age brings on his health. The worst kind of injustice she can do to this man is to be impatient when he feels the need to slow down, nag or snap with disgust when his joints get tired. At all times she must, remember she made the choice to marry him with a view of giving him twilight happiness.

Frankly, your job as a concerned brother goes beyond defending her reasons for marrying this man among your family members. It also involves you being her mentor and praying for her always.

Goodluck.