Can fibroid responsible for my barrenness?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, May God bless you for the good work you are doing for humanity. Agatha, I have been married for some years now without a child. I am trusting God for the fruit of the womb. I am positive he will, one day, answer me. I have been to general hospital, done several tests with my husband, but all to no avail. All the always say is for us to go for more medical tests and at the end of all these endless tests, they prescribe drugs for me. However, sometime last year, I went again to keep my appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately or fortunately, I didn’t meet my regular doctor. I had to see another doctor who was entirely new in the system. After examining me, he said my body temperature was rather high than normal, and it might make conception difficult for me. I was given some prescriptions that almost killed me. I had to stop attending the hospital. In the course of my husband conversing with his boss, he introduced us to the private hospital he attends with his family. According to his boss, he also suffered from childlessness before he met this doctor who helped him and his wife become parents. There is this hotness I always feel before and shortly after my period. When I told the doctor about it, he examined me with some instruments after which he told me I have fibroids. Since I went alone, he requested to see my husband. When I informed my husband about the desire of the doctor to see him, he instructed me not to go to the hospital again. His grouse has to do with their high medical charges. The least I spend each time I go there is N20,000. Agatha, my questions now are, can this hotness prevent me from getting pregnant? What are the symptoms of fibroids? I need your help on this matter. I know I don’t have fibroids, because nobody in my family has anything like that. Mama T. Dear Mama T, Unfortunately, the reasons some women develop fibroids and other don’t, are still very shrouded in vagueness. But one thing is clear, it runs in families, and affected women often have a family history of fibroids. Since no woman in your family has ever had it, you may have to seek a second medical opinion to be doubly sure you are getting the right diagnosis. It is always better to go for a second opinion when dealing with serious and sensitive medical challenges like you have. From my experience having high body temperature doesn’t translate to a woman having fibroid even though it can have impact on the ease with which a woman can get pregnant. The drugs prescribed for you by the doctor may be too powerful for you. The right thing should have been for you to go back to the doctor to complain about the drugs. Had you told him, he might have found a way of reducing the frequency with which you take the drugs or found you an alternative that would work with your system better. However, see a gynecologist for proper medical examination and treatment. Contrary to what a lot of people think, government hospitals still have the best medical personnel. The only thing required is for you to exercise patience when dealing with them. However, if you are able to secure an appointment, you can be sure of getting the right kind of treatment. But let him or her know about the different kinds of examinations and tests you have gone through as well as the kinds of drugs you have been given. If possible go with your reports and samples of the drugs you have been given so far. This information would help the doctor know where to start. The danger of having multiplicity of doctors is the different drugs you will be given. Once you are able to link up with a good doctor, develop the confidence to stay through a treatment. One of your errors is not having the patience to complete a course of treatment anywhere. Such an attitude can only bring into your life needless complications as a result of the different kinds of drugs and conclusions each new doctor you visit comes up with. Seeking second opinion is different from what you are doing now. For some strange reasons, women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. The reason for this isn’t clearly defined, but researchers are of the opinion that it has to do with our gene. Fibroids grow in response to stimulation by the hormone estrogen, produced naturally in the body. These growths can show up as early as age 20 and shrink after menopause when the body stops producing large amounts of estrogen. Fibroids can be tiny and cause no problems, but they also can grow to weigh several kilogrammes. It is a matter of luck. Fibroids grow slowly, some become so life threatening, spreading very close to the heart. They actually start in the muscle tissues of the uterus. They can also grow into the uterine cavity into the thickness of the uterine wall or on the surface of the uterus into the abdominal cavity. Some deadly ones actually grow right inside the uterus making conception impossible as they take the place meant for the baby to stay and grow inside the womb. A uterine fibroid is the most common benign, not cancerous tumour of a woman’s uterus. Fibroids are tumours of the smooth muscle that is normally found in the wall of the uterus. They can develop within the uterine wall itself or attach to it. They may grow as a single tumour or in clusters. Uterine fibroids can cause excessive menstrual bleeding, pelvic pain, and frequent urination. So even though they are termed “benign tumors,” fibroids potentially can cause many health problems. These growths occur in up to 50 per cent of all women and are one leading cause of hysterectomy, removal of the uterus among women in the world. In Nigeria, the lack of viable data makes it impossible to say how many women go for such operations or how many survive it. But, it contributes majorly to the gynecological problems many women are having. Abroad, particularly in the United States, they have been able to come up with a less all-encompassing surgical treatments are now available to help control the growth of fibroids. The following factors have been associated with the presence of fibroids, being overweight, although extremely slim women have been known to battle severe cases of fibroids. The second sign is a woman who hasn’t given birth before. This is why you should ask for a second opinion. If true you have fibroid, it is always better to commence treatment early before it becomes too complicated. However, not all women who are experiencing difficulties conceiving have fibroids. Some just have delays than defy medical reasons. Another study say women who started menstruating before 10 years of age are more prone to having fibroid. If a woman is also having abnormally heavy and embarrassing flow, it is a sign that she might have fibroid or experiencing movement, akin to that of a baby somewhere in the vicinity of her womb. Whatever your story is, go and see a doctor trained in the area of your challenge. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to secondly guess your health challenge. This is what you should communicate to your husband, he has to support you to win this battle and not focus only on the money that is being demanded from him. Good luck.

She ought to remain a friend though married…

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I had this beautiful but unreliable lady I shared my ambition with. Back then, I was cub-reporter. I was busy and building a career. I was out of Nigeria for some years; when I got back, I discovered to my shock that the lady was double dating all the while. Even the parents didn’t know or the things she was capable of. Now she is married while the young man she hurt so much is still single though extremely wealthy. Shouldn’t she at least be friendly with this man from her past? Disappointed Man. Dear Disappointed Man, There is nothing strange in your story. I am sure, almost everyman or woman for that matter has similar story to tell. Disappointment is concomitant with the things of the heart. Since this woman is married, move on with your life. There is nothing between the two of you anymore. Just as you wouldn’t want your wife, when you marry to stay connected to her ex-boyfriend, it would be totally out of place to expect this woman, no matter what your opinion is of her to stay allied to you now. Whatever existed between the two of you remains in the past. She has a new life, new identity and focus as wife and mother. Besides if she goes out of her way to be friendly with you, she will only be enforcing the already low opinion you have of her so why risk her home to stay friendly with a person who thinks she is morally bankrupt? Wouldn’t that be risking too much? Move on. Out there is a woman for you. You and this one were never meant to be. Good luck.

Six weeks after the altar another lady is carrying my baby…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me out of this mess my foolishness on my bachelor’s eve earned me. You know how it is with men. My friends in the spirit of the day organised a party for me. As it is the custom at such farewell party I was given a girl to sleep with that night. It was meant to be my send off gift to the bachelorhood. Unfortunately, less than six weeks into my marriage, the lady came back and was in my office last week to announce she is pregnant. I can’t deny her because something tells me she is telling the truth. Besides, I made the costly mistake of not wearing any protection that night, and even dismissed her warnings that she was safe. My state of mind that night wouldn’t have permitted anything else. I just had to sleep with the lady. In the first place apart from being the prettiest woman there that night, I was tipsy. I simply wasn’t thinking straight that night. Since telling me her news, I have not been myself. Especially as she insisted she wasn’t ready to abort the pregnancy. Being her first, since she started the business of having sex, you can imagine the kinds of sentiments she has deployed into this pregnancy. According to her, she isn’t sure of being able to get pregnant again. There is nothing my friends have not done to influence her to get rid of the pregnancy, but she insists on keeping it, declaring that she really doesn’t need me to provide for her and the child. According to her, she simply wanted me to know I have a child somewhere, nothing more. Frankly, those who know her all agree that she isn’t the kind of woman that sleeps around or looking for a man to tie down. But what do I tell my wife? How do I explain to her that another woman is pregnant for me six weeks into our marriage life? Since we started dating three years ago, she has never been pregnant. It was even one of the reasons I caved in to her pressures to get married when we did. She was afraid I might end up not marrying her after all she did for me. She used her parents’ money to set me up as a man. The least I could do was to marry her since the doctors we went to in Nigeria and England certified us medically fit to have children. I am fearful of her temper. She is capable of doing anything out of anger or sheer jealousy. If she discovers I got another woman pregnant, she will not only kill me but won’t spare the woman also. She is that terrible when provoked. When I told my sister, she said I should plead with the one carrying my baby for help in concealing the identity of the father of her child, but my elder brother insists I inform my wife about it. His argument is that it can be better managed now than if my wife gets to find out later. Both of them agree that this child is a gift from God, which I shouldn’t reject. How do I handle this situation without ruining my home? Gbade. Dear Gbade, Granted every child is a gift from God, but it was very silly of you to have gambled with your future – marriage, dreams and everything that has to do with your person, to sleep with a stranger without any form of protection. What if she gave you an incurable disease, the kind that would cut short your lifespan? What would you be telling your wife, your story and excuse for infecting her with such a disease? Adulthood is about being responsible, considering first how our actions would affect those close to us before taking a decision. No matter how drunk you were you knew the risk of sleeping with a woman without taking precaution as well as the risk that comes with it on your marriage. How will you feel if the prove of your wife’s infidelity is presented before you as you are about to do to her? One thing is to be unfaithful another is for her to have physical evidence of your unfaithfulness. Sincerely you are about to present to her a very bitter pill, one that will be difficult for you to explain as an accident given the challenges you are both having as a couple. There is no way she won’t think you planned it, as a fall back option in case she is unable to give you a child. And the more you delay in telling her, the more difficult it becomes to explain things to her. Besides, you are risking someone else telling her before you. The moments she gets to know from a secondary source, you will never be able to convince her that you didn’t mean to keep the information from her. Not only would it destroy the trust between you forever, it will also make her hate the child more than she would ordinarily have. In addition the guilt of keeping such a big secret from her will never give you the absolute freedom to be the kind of husband you ought to be. Besides, problems are best resolved when still fresh. By telling her now, you are giving your marriage and wife ample time to heal and recover from this shock. Also, it will help make up her mind early on how to relate with the child. By giving her the right to decide on whether the child should stay with the mother or have the child stay with you will further convince her that you are not out to use this child to humiliate her. Even if she is unable to bear you a child, assure her that this child and the mother will never push her out of your life. However, before telling her, go to her parents to inform them about it. Don’t attempt to hold anything back from them, give them all the details that led to you getting this lady pregnant. The reason for this is to manage the opposition from her friends to your marriage. Once you are able to explain to them yourself, settle whatever disappointment they would naturally feel at this development. By the time she comes to them with the story of your unfaithfulness to her, they won’t fuel the crisis by giving her support to end the marriage, rather they will find ways of encouraging her to stay and make the marriage work. You also need the help and support of her close friends. Involving all these people is to ensure that your young marriage survives this. Often, friends influence one’s reactions and decisions. If she isn’t getting the kind of support and condemnation she expects from her family and friends, she will be forced to discuss all the other options to this issue with you. Also, it will tell her how much you want this marriage and the fact that she doesn’t have a monopoly of this kind of challenge in her marriage. One thing you must also never do is to exclude her from whatever is happening to the child and mother. To achieve this, put her in charge of communicating with the woman and the baby. Whatever the mother of your child wants or has to tell you should be channelled through her at least for the time being. The essence of involving her is to give your marriage the chance to survive and you, the time to build your emotional invulnerability to this woman. Having made a costly mistake before, you must do everything to guard against you making another one. Seeing her pregnant with your child may soften you enough to continue what you unwittingly started on your bachelor’s eve. Therefore, it is best you remove yourself from temptation way. Also, putting your wife in charge of the welfare of the child at this very early state will not only achieve the aim of communicating your lack of interest in the mother, but also give you the opportunity to access how well your wife has adjusted to the presence of this child. Her attitude will help you determine what kind of provision to make for the child in future. But a word of caution, if your wife is unwilling to take on the responsibility, please don’t force or get angry with her. This kind of news takes time for any woman to assimilate or tackle. It is a sore that will take forever to heal, so endure, understand any attitude she puts up. Remember, you called for it. Only the grace of God can make the difference in your marriage. Good luck.

If a man lacks cash to try love

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The numerous pieces of advice to people over the years cannot be quantified. What should a man do when he is not buoyant to fall in love, indulge in an affair? Your Reader. Dear Reader, In the first place, money isn’t needed to fall in love. Love is priceless and a natural pull to the one person that is special. To append it to money is to devalue what God has given freely. Don’t hold back on the feeling when you see a woman who reciprocates what you feel for her. If you are both responsible about it, you won’t need money beyond the normal money you need daily to meet your basic needs in life. However problems come when a couple decides to be irresponsible about the whole affair. Love has its season, planting, consolidating and harvesting. If you are wise not to migrate prematurely into the future seasons of the relationship, you will not need to worry about the financial aspect too much. Money becomes a problem in the relationship when you engage in sex and the woman gets pregnant and need money for either evacuation or to keep the baby. If both of you are willing to wait, to enable you as the man put structures that would make life manageable for both of you in place especially when the children begin to come, you won’t have problems. The most important thing for you is to be truthful to yourself and the woman. Don’t make pledges you lack the financial ability to keep. Be honest with whom you are, this way, she would know what she is going into and not make unnecessary demands on you. Good luck

I now want to abstain from sex

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met this guy through a friend. We got into the habit of chatting and we got to know each other even though we hadn’t seen physically since he stays in the United States. Along the line, we developed feelings for each other and, after a while, he decided to come to Nigeria to visit me. When he came, we stayed in a hotel. I was so happy because I really liked him. He also claimed to like me as well. I went through a bad breakup with my ex, and I just want to be careful. We stayed in the hotel for three days, we made love. He came inside me, so we had to get a contraceptive. I was really scared because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I have planned my life and getting pregnant now is not in the plan. When I got home, I was scared because we still had unprotected sex. I wasn’t too sure I was safe, so I got another contraceptive. While I was at home, I gave a lot of thoughts to the disappointment my parents would feel if I should get pregnant now in addition to the turn my life would take. So I decided to stay away from sex till I get married. Now I don’t know how to tell him that I have changed my mind about having sexual intercourse with him since we are now officially dating. I’m scared that he might not be interested in the relationship again as most guys love having sex. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. Please Agatha, what do I do? Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, Tell him the truth about your decision. Although this might create some kinds of confusion especially as you agreed to sleep with him when you hardly knew him and no form of relationship had been established, he would naturally wonder why this decision. By coming out with the whole truth, including the bit about you not wanting to disappoint your parents or mess up your life, he will come to appreciate certain things your initial behaviour did not give him time to value. You must also endeavour to convince him that your decision isn’t aimed at blackmailing into marrying you. This might naturally be his first line of thought but once you are able to convince him that your resolution comes from a desire to undo the mistake you made by agreeing to sleep with him without protection or regard for the impression you were giving him about yourself, he will reason along with you. If you are both meant to be, he will listen to you and help you effect whatever correction you want to make in your life. But beyond the reason you have, it will help tell you what he really thinks of you; if you are meant to be just a play thing, a holiday fling while in Nigeria. On the other hand, if he leaves you, it means his proclaimed interest in you is suspect; a good reason for you to evaluate your association with him. Frankly, his reactions to whatever you have to say will go along way in helping you arrive at a safe conclusion regarding where you really stand with him. Therefore, it isn’t just about pregnancy but about your own peace of mind. As a woman who has suffered disappointment, you should have been more cautious than you were. What if you had contracted an infection from him or got pregnant and he denied responsibility of it? What story will you be telling? It pays to be vigilant always. The fact that he will soon be leaving for his base means you will have to stop sleeping with him anyway. So if he gets unnecessarily angry because you refuse to sleep with him then something isn’t exactly right with the relationship. Besides, you both need time to think about the relationship. One of the greatest challenges before you is cultivating this long-distant relationship. A lot of efforts and wisdom have to be applied for it to succeed. And if sex is what you both put forward, it might be very difficult to focus on those little things which often than not turn parasitic in marriages. If both of you are well tuned, sex will always be beautiful between the two of you. But if there is a gap somewhere in your relationship, no matter how good your sex life is, it will never be enough to keep both of you together. If he has good intentions for you, your character and not sex will be his major concern. Good luck.

I’m confused over my fiancee’s commitment

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband wanted a big wedding ceremony but I declined, insisting on a low key wedding because of the way things were for us. He needed money for other things. On the fourth of February, he paid my bride price at a ceremony that was devoid of the kind of extravaganza he wanted. He said we would have a big wedding after his elections. He has spent so much money preparing for the local government election which nobody is sure will still hold in our state, Abia. Although he asked me to be ready for the white wedding, I have refused and given him the option to either quit the relationship and give me the freedom to get married to another man or he continues with the marriage rites. Though he said he will continue but I need to be sure I have done the right thing. I took this action because men can be very unpredictable and dangerous. If I don’t insist on him completing everything that has to do with our marriage, he may end up breaking my heart by getting married to another lady, and throw away our four years courtship. He happens to be my first love. Although we love each other, a lot of things can go wrong between now and when we decide to marry. Agatha, am I wrong? After our traditional marriage rites, I have refused to live in his house because we plan to wed before we start living together but he has now changed his mind; he wants me to move in so that we can plan our wedding together. Being the first daughter of the family and the first to wed, I don’t have the experience of planning a wedding. Also despite my desire to wed as soon as possible, I need to save some money to help my parents out with the wedding arrangements. Please Agatha, I am totally confused over everything. Just tell me whatever it is I am doing wrong. I also need advice on how to proceed in the wedding preparation. Ngozi. Dear Ngozi, Under the traditional laws of our land, you are married since your bride price has been paid. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with him as his wife. In our custom, the traditional marriage is the most important because it provides an avenue for family members to meet. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with your husband. What exactly are you expecting to go wrong? As a matter of fact, your refusal to come and stay with him after paying your wedding price is creating the very room for something to go wrong. Honestly, you need to bury this garment of suspicions else you will end up creating a complex situation of you suspecting any woman he comes in contact with. Being a politician, you must give him the freedom to associate and interact with both men and women. It is his lot as a politician to be in company of women and men even at odd hours of the night. And as your husband, you must learn to begin to grow a certain measure of trust in his person and words. Without this, you marriage has very little chance of survival. Both of you must make a deliberate effort to inject this into your relationship without which he would constantly explain his relationship with other women to you. From my observations, you really need to have an open mind about this. It is important you ponder on your ability to cope. If you are the very suspicious type, you may not have the maturity and presence of mind to encourage him to the height of his political passion. Deep down ask yourself this question; can you cope with the flocks of women that will always flock around him? One thing is to want to wed, another thing is to be in love and have the desire to give it your all. Do you have the strength of mind to give this man every inch of your mind, body and soul? Do you have what it takes to make him succeed in his choice of career? From your account, both of you need to learn more about each other to be happy together. For instance, you both need to sit down to discuss about yourselves. It is obvious that you both don’t appear to like the same things. For instance, he wants a big wedding ceremony while you appear not to mind. Unless you both sit to harmonise this aspect of your marriage, it will continue to be an issue which if not handled with tact may tug your relationship and marriage at opposing ends. As the woman of the house, you must develop the wisdom to engage your man in meaningful dialogue that will wean him off his penchant towards showiness. If you are really desperate to wed soonest and desirous of helping him manage his finances, bow to his wishes that you move in with him. This way, you will get to plan a wedding that is not as ostentatious as he wants but also good enough to please him. This way, you will be able to save both of you some money to invest in a business or anything that will bring in extra money. In marriage, it isn’t every time a woman argues her points. Most times, practical steps will win the day. By taking full charge of the wedding ceremony, you are able to control its expenses; do away with things you know aren’t very important to you, concentrate on the areas that need attention and cut down on excess demands for money by people who want to use the occasion to cheat him. This is why you are his wife; his soul mate as well as his confidant. Besides, it will further bind both of you as well as energise the needed trust in your union. You are confused because you don’t have a focus for yourself beyond wanting to wed. Once you shift your focus from wedding ceremony to the quality of your feelings for this man; the nature of your relationship, the focus of your marriage and the kind of home you want, what you should do at this point would become clearer. Marriage isn’t about what you want or he wants for that matter; rather, it works well when both of you are willing to accommodate each other’s opinion as well as accord respect for the feelings of the other person. As it is now, both of you, if not careful, will create a huge misunderstanding for yourselves regarding the dimension you each want your wedding ceremony to be. There will be less confusion if you are both prepared to take the path of compromise. Above all, subject your desires to the will of God. Good luck.

He left to England after our wedding ten years ago...

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband travelled a day after our wedding 10 years ago. Since then he hasn’t come back to the country, neither have I been able to go to meet him. We actually met a year before we got married. We met when he first came home from his base the previous year. Throughout that year, he kept telling me on the phone how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So when he came back, we got married. But we talk almost every day. He keeps telling me to be patient with him. He gives a variety of excuses as to why he can’t come home or being able to process my travelling documents. However, about two years ago, he instructed me not to call him that he would gladly do all the callings. I didn’t mind since it would save me the money. But recently, I needed to talk to him urgently. I dialed his number repeatedly he didn’t pick it. I kept calling but he refused to pick his phone. I guess he must have switched it off after a while because I didn’t get through to him again. The next day, he called and was very angry with me. He called me a disobedient wife, lacking of respect for her husband. He didn’t even give me the chance to explain why I wanted to speak with him at that time of the night. After saying all that he had to say, he cut the line. I tried to get him back he refused to pick my call. From that point, it became impossible to get him on that line. I told his parents about the development, his mother right in my presence called him but also encountered similar problem. She told me not to worry that she would get back to me. She must have because he called me with another number. He instructed me never to call him on his former number, but to use this new number whenever I wanted to speak with him. After listening to my reason for calling him the other night, he promised to send the money I wanted. Again, I tried calling him one night that I was very lonely, but the number was not available. I only get him during the daytime on this number or on the nights he is at work. Agatha, he sends me money and things, but that is as far as I get from him. At 40 I have a husband who hasn’t seen me in a decade. I am childless and to crown it all, he appears to be keeping things from him. Although nobody has told me anything, but I have a strong hunch that my housband has another woman in his life. Else, why would he stop me from calling him in the night or he for that matter? I also observed that his mother is not as worried about his refusal to come for me as before. Her worries concerning when he hopes to start having children in life have ceased. Her attitude these days whenever I complain is that God best. Before now, my siblings have been urging me to think of what to do with the marriage because in their opinion, I didn’t have a husband. Then, lots of men were still showing interest in me. One of them actually wanted me to terminate my marriage to marry him. Except for my mother, every other member of my family wanted me to end my so-called ma0rriage. I really don’t know what to do anymore. At my age, only men interested in sleeping with me for fun come around. All the serious ones are married, which leaves me with the worry of where do I start from. My friends who married at the same time I did or after me are all mothers. It has been very difficult for me. I have a husband but in the real sense of it, I don’t. Age is no longer on my side. Whenever I ask him about the issue of our having children when he is there and I am here, he tells me soon. He has been telling me that since we got married. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am frustrated, dejected and very sad at what has become of my marriage and life. I don’t know any of his friends or where he works in England. Whenever I ask him such questions, he tells me, I will meet them when I come. I really trusted him and believed him. How do I go about this issue? I don’t want any member of his family to accuse me of being wayward or unappreciative of what my husband has done for me. In fairness to him, he helped set up my business. Even if I leave, where do I start? Ifeoma. Dear Ifeoma, Honestly, you have wasted too much time already as well as taken everything for granted. A man leaves you a day after your wedding 10 years ago without looking back or considering your feelings and you sit quietly waiting for something to happen? Granted every marriage has its challenges but not your kind of marriage. This one doesn’t even exist beyond the ceremony of you two meeting and getting married. This man has simply put you into a sort of bondage. As it is you cannot move forward or backwards. You are fixed to one spot, a point that leaves you without anything at the end of the day. Whatever reasons he is giving you for not coming home for 10 years aren’t tenable. If he truly wanted you to join him, he would have made the efforts long ago. The truth is that there is something he is hiding from you, the reason he ordered you not to call him at night or on the number you have always used in communicating with him. It is this same reason that has kept you a secret from his friends over there. This simply underscores your lack of knowledge of the man you married. In the beginning, he may have had the intentions of coming for you after a short while, but something he is unwilling to tell you must have happened to make him change his mind. Whatever it is that has kept you a grass widow for a decade is what you should demand from your husband. It isn’t as if he cannot come home, unless of course he has problems with the law over there and is shy to tell you. Whatever his reason or excuse, at this juncture, there is nothing for you to lose by asking him direct questions. You have kept quiet for too long and if he now considers you a disobedient wife for demanding to know what your fate is with him after what appears to be a wasted decade, so be it. Insist you are capable of dealing with anything, including the knowledge of him having a wife and children down there. Anything is better than keeping you in this limbo and confusing state. Let him realise that being married to him has made it difficult for you to move beyond a point, and that you consider it very unfair his treatment of you. Be clear to him that you can no longer endure the situation; that you want to end the marriage so as to move on. Giving him this kind of ultimatum is the only way you can get him to admit to whatever it is that has kept him away from you for a whole decade. But before you do this, let his mother know you have reached the end of the road with her son. Ask her if you were her daughter, would she keep encouraging you to stay in this kind of marriage? If anybody in his family turns around to accuse you of being wayward or unappreciative of whatever it is he has done for you in terms of financial assistance, remind them that you married their son at 30 and haven’t seen him for 10 years. In your shoes, what would they have done? Not that you were pregnant at the time he left and has a child to call your own. It is their right to talk and yours to plan your life the way you would be happy at the end of the day. A marriage is only a marriage when the two people in it have the same ideas, are loyal to each other, have mutual respect and share each other’s company. A marriage is to provide companionship. If for a decade you don’t have this, then what kind of marriage is it? His money isn’t what you came to marry; you came to marry their son. Tell them you are ready to stay as long as they provide you with your husband. Sincerely, the ball is in your court. The longer you wait for this man who appears not in a hurry to come back to you, the harder it becomes for you to start again. You have to urgently make up your mind over that thing that makes you most happy. You are the only one who can make the decision. Good luck.

Age is telling on my sex life…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 49 years old next month. I last saw my period six months ago. Before it stopped, my periods were so heavy; nothing was holding me longer than an hour. I was changing practically every 30 minutes. It was so bad, my husband had to take me to see the doctor, who said it was very normal with some women. Immediately after that I began to feel my womb popping. I was so scared that I had to rush off again to see the doctor. After examination, he said nothing was wrong that my reproductive system was simply shutting down. I didn’t like the word, shutting down because it meant as a woman I was no longer useful. I also started having hot flushes and losing weight. Initially I was happy because it meant looking trim and more fashionable. But in recent times, I have noticed the appearance of more wrinkles on my face, especially around my neck, mouth and eyes areas. But all these are not as worrisome as the impact of this phase on my sex life. I have become so dry, that making love is very painful. My husband and I have tried using Vaseline (a brand of petroleum jelly) to make it smoother for me but it ends up hurting me badly. And he isn’t finding all these funny. Severally, I have heard him grumbling, but when he senses I am watching him, he would pretend it is okay, a natural phase. As a result, I hate making love and the result is the challenge I now have. My husband, who is quite adventurous, has already started having an affair. I know because I have seen him with this lady about twice. I don’t want to lose him because this is the time I need my marriage the most. I have asked several friends on how they have been able to cope, gloss over it. All my friends pretend they don’t have any problem with it or haven’t hit the menopause mark. I really don’t know whom to turn to for help. Even my mother I tried to get help from terrified me the more. She actually told me it was a taboo for a woman who has reached menopause to have sex with her man again. She said I should turn a blind eye to whatever my husband was doing with another woman. That I should be contented with caring for him and the children. I have tried to read about menopause in the media, but it seems nobody wants to discuss it. I am really getting very frustrated because apart from my doctor who keeps assuring me that I will be fine, all I get are blank stare from friends and relatives. I want my husband back, but how do I make him come back when each time he comes near me, I become frigid. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, There is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. It is a phase of life every woman is expected to pass through. There is no escaping from it. Like the menstrual years, it comes with some discomfort, but these are things that can be managed. Menopause means the loss of estrogen, which more often than not leads to changes in a woman’s sexual drive and functioning. The reason for this is that with loss of estrogen, blood supply to the vaginal is reduced which affects vaginal lubrication. This naturally causes the area to be very dry making sex painful like the kind you are currently experiencing. Unfortunately, lower estrogen is not the only reason behind depreciating sexual performance in some middle-aged women. Other factors include, bladder control problems, some women experience increased bladder movement, sleep disturbances, stress, depression like you are experiencing. The more worried you are, the more complex the situation becomes. You have to let go of your worries and anxiety to improve your condition. Even if your husband decides to date all the women around him, learn to look the other way if you really want him back in your life. Although there are no guarantees for treating women with menopausal sexual challenges, estrogen replacement is an option; it makes intercourse less painful as it helps retain moisture in the vaginal area. Discuss with your gynecologist. Frankly, this isn’t time for you to be shy to converse with your doctor. For now, your doctor should be your best friend. Let him refer you to those trained to deal with middle-aged woman going through menopausal crisis. In the meantime, vaginal dryness can be treated with water-soluble lubricants like astroglide or K-Y Jelly. The use of Vaseline, a non-water soluble in addition to weakening the materials used in the manufacture of condom also encourage the growth of bacteria in the vaginal area. Using water-based lubricants will definitely help you maintain moisture, long enough for you and your husband to have a normal love life. Also you will need the help and support of your husband to scale this hurdle. You definitely need more foreplay and attention than before. To get your husband to help you, you must first accept the fact that certain things have to change from the way you have done them in the past. Your hitting the menopausal age hits him more like thunderbolt that he is already deep into his middle age. More than women, this knowledge affects men more and is enough to make some men panic sufficiently to want to test their virility with younger women. This is the time men get more vain; they are more afraid of losing their vibrancy than women. Therefore, you have to be very patient to bring him back home to you. Having lived with you till this moment, the chance of dumping you for a younger woman is slim. No man at this age wants to start nappies and crying babies. Like you, he is looking forward to being a grandfather, but it is just that the male ego wants some excitements to assure him that no matter the age of a man he remains productive. What has changed is that you can no longer make babies, but you can still look good, sexy and imaginative. My mother once told me it is called the wisdom years of a woman. In every true sense, you are wiser now, more mature and able to handle just about any challenge thrown at you. Besides, this phase takes away your monthly worries of applying caution. No matter how many times you do it now, there is no getting pregnant. It is one worry off your shoulders. The result is a more relaxed and matured approach to the whole concept of lovemaking. Nothing you do or say anymore is forbidden or seen as strange. Therefore to get him back, you must dig deep into your bag of experience and fantasies. He can no longer ask you questions about how you came about the knowledge. When he is at home, nothing stops both of you from watching an adult film. It would help relax you sufficiently for both of you to enjoy intimacy. Sometimes, visuals have a way of making it happen for the woman who lacks initiative of her own. Adult books too also give wonderful ideas to help the middle aged woman keep afloat. It will also help educate you on the positions that will help reduce the discomfort of deep penetration. For the sake of both of you, it is essential you control the depth of penetration. You also have to keep working on your appearance. That you are in your menopausal years shouldn’t stop you from looking good. Like an old wine, experienced women can actually look better than younger women. The trick is to carve your own fashion statement. Look for cuts that flatter without making you appear to be struggling to stay young. It is a simple matter of learning to wear your age like underwear. If you feel comfortable in pant trousers, look for the matured cut; compliment with blouses that cover up the body but are very feminine. Ensure when he is at home, he finds a friend in you; one who has the ability to help him grow, recover from whatever kind of stress he is going through. Make attempts to bring back those wonderful and early years, reminiscences over the early years when the children started coming and what you hope to do later. At every point, make it interesting, something to look forward to. Since all the children are now grow up, take your husband on a holiday. The magic is to learn how to fall in love again. With it comes a sense of excitement, the kind that gives sex a new meaning and helps you relax. Age is an attitude. Be determined that this isn’t the end of your life. Good luck.

I’m afraid she won’t love my son?

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. I had an affair with my friend’s younger sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock. So I did the gentleman thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her even though I was nothing near my goal in life. Knowing how wild his sister is he tried to discourage me from doing it but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled. My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister that I could always count on his support. Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage. My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years that after a while, I would come to see her as a friend if nothing else. I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the house-help. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her head but she told them to mind their business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person; it wasn’t difficult for me to endure. However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked. No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child but my mother insisted on taking the child with her to California. My son is now 13 years of age. After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally. To be frank, I am very skeptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life. Please help me. I am 39 years old. Henry. Dear Henry, In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person? Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not? If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, somebody she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions? That a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you! You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So you can’t say, you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship. Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago, besides you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that. You discuss such an issue inside out with the person. This is because both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her. How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exist? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him? To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her. Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child. She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country. More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances that you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex. She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care. Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not; the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex-wife with a child/children represent for the new woman. If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Secondly, guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman. You have to learn to live and love again else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again. Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions, because they will mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know may be impossible. Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings. Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about. Above all learn to pray yourself into success always. Good luck.

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in big trouble; one I am not sure how I and my twin sons will ever get out of. Five years ago, out of desperation and greed, I married a man my father disliked and described as a man of questionable character. I ignored my parents and proceeded to get pregnant for him. He was swimming in money so I really didn’t care about what my parents, my father in particular, said. Even when I announced my pregnancy to my father as reasons for him to allow me get married, he refused. He told me he would allow me put to bed in his house; that it was a minor sacrifice to pay than me marrying this man. I ignored my father and went ahead to get married to him legally at the registry. I got someone to represent my parents. At 35, I didn’t really need their consent to marry. Immediately after the marriage ceremony, I noticed some strange things about him. First, he didn’t approve of sharing the same room. He insisted on me keeping my room; his excuse, I would cramp his style. Another thing is the frequency with which he goes out at night for one business appointment or the other. When he has to go for these kinds of assignments, he stays completely away from me; wouldn’t even allow me cook his food let alone touch him. I was curious but something about his attitude and behaviour made me less suspicious. However, he recently took ill; as a matter of fact, he collapsed and I had to rush him to the hospital. Since he was unconscious, and the doctor needed money, I took the key to his room to find out if he had money. What I saw was beyond me. Right inside his wardrobe, I saw a calabash with fetish ornaments and a padlock inside it. Further search revealed different kinds of guns with red cloths and cowries tied to them. Also in his room, I found a bag containing a lot of money. I didn’t bother to take the money or anything from the room. I immediately left the room, took the key back to the hospital. I had to look for money elsewhere. Fortunately, he woke up shortly after I got to the hospital and demanded that he should be taken away from the hospital. He called two of his closest friends, who according to him, would take him to their church for prayers. As always, he told me not to bother; that I should stay behind to look after our twin sons. He is better now, but I am now very scared of him. There is no doubt that my husband is an armed robber. But who do I tell? What can I do? Can I divorce him? I cannot go to the Police because I happen to know he is highly connected in the Police Force. I am so confused. He is beginning to question me about my behaviour as I seldom allow him come near me and the children. Twice he has asked me if I entered his room while he was unconscious, I lied about not having the key to his room, hence the question of me entering the room doesn’t even arise. Please, Agatha, I respect you so much. What can I do without incurring his wrath and putting the lives of my entire family members at risk? This guy is mean and capable of hurting me and my family members. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, First things first, you need the wisdom of God to untangle yourself from this whole mess. Pray and be very calm else you risk making another huge mistake. While you calculate your options, continue to behave as if nothing is wrong. Criminals are the most intelligent people around. He must have guessed from your attitude towards him that you have unveiled his secrets and only bidding time to expose him. But because you are his wife, the mother of his sons in addition to lack of evidence to nail you, he is keeping calm but also watching you closely. He may also have recruited one or two persons to trail your movement which makes any stupid move on your part very dangerous. What simply has changed is that you now have evidence of his profession; beyond that he remains your husband; the same person you have slept, romanced, ate and played with. You must continue to function in all these roles until such a time that you can take your leave of him. To deny him these rights is to further fuel his suspicion. Besides, if you are truthful to yourself, you knew from your account that something was not right about the man you married the moment he denied you free access into his room. When a man ignores your food at a certain time, doesn’t allow you near him also at that particular time, shouldn’t that have alerted you to something sinister about him? Shouldn’t you have known that it was not a normal behaviour for a man to refuse food and sex simply because he has a business assignment? Didn’t you wonder or ask what kind of business assignment would prevent a man from sleeping with his wife or eating her food? And when these kinds of assignments became a regular feature with him, did you for once demand to know or find out what nature of business he was into? The issue here is long past regrets. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock; meaning you have to continue to endure this situation. The less you talk about it, the better for you. Mop up as much money as you can from him. Give yourself a target to leave him. To stay more than necessary is to endanger your life and those of your children. Be careful, this is not the time for you to play smart. With this money, you can buy your freedom from the bondage your greed and disobedience of your father’s warning put you into. This is because in the eyes of law, you are his wife; you could easily be accused of trying to blackmail him by the same people within the Police who have been protecting him. The so-called guns could easily be removed from the house, leaving you without evidence to back up your claims. Be reminded that there is no law in this country that prohibits keeping of charms in the house. He could easily claim the pot of charm you saw is for protection, including yours as well. You will only look stupid at the end of the day. The only thing you would have achieved by this is to further put yourself in a more deadly position. Therefore perish this thought. Divorce is not also an option. On what grounds would you be divorcing him? Instead of considering this option, why not instead become more loving to distract him? Your chances of escaping with the children will only be enhanced if he lets down his guard around you. To take him off your trail, tell him you have been worried about his health hence your seeming withdrawal from him. Make your move only when sure he has eased up. Make sure you don’t stay in this country. Go as far away from him as possible. But if you are in Lagos, please come to our head office so you and I can talk. There are certain things I cannot say here. But in the meantime, continue to pray for him, you and the children. Your family really needs the intervention of God to make right all that is wrong in your home. Good luck.

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a young girl of 17. I stay with my younger sister and brother and our stepmother, who is very cruel to us. My father is never ever around because he works with an oil firm. As far as my father is concerned, he provides us with more than enough. The few days to his arrival at home, my stepmother is the picture of an angel. Telling him all that she puts me through would amount to destroying the house. I simply don’t have the kind of heart to do that to him. Once my father is away, my stepmother does all kinds of things, including bringing her man-friend into the house. Severally, she has hit me for daring to challenge her and has vowed to make life very uncomfortable for us if we dare tell our father what goes on behind him. From her utterances, she doesn’t like our father even though he loves her. Her only interest in our father is the money she gets. She is yet to have a child by him. About three months ago, she brought her boyfriend to stay with us. She is 27. She told our father that the young man is her cousin and even got her younger brother to testify to her lie. About three weeks ago, whenever she is not around, he tries to touch me. I have done my best to keep him off me; even threatened to tell my father. But I am worried that if he is unable to force himself on me, he could harm my younger sister. My brother and I have decided to tell our father’s brother, who is very caring and comes round to see us, about what is really happening. We thought he would be in the best position to tell our father about it, but we were confused on how to introduce the topic to our uncle. Our mother died six years ago. Rolade. Dear Rolade, The earlier you tell your uncle, the best for you all. The longer you and your siblings delay in telling either your father or your uncle about what is going on in your home, the greater the danger of your being abused sexually. Your father will blame you for not saying anything while all these were going on. Don’t stop at telling your uncle about the sexual threat you are facing, let him know that this boy isn’t in anyway related to your stepmother; that he is actually her boyfriend and not the brother she parades him as. Insist, you and your siblings no longer feel safe staying with your stepmother who is quite capable of harming you all if she thinks she is losing out on your father’s love. In the interim, until your father makes up his mind on what to do about his wife, you and your siblings would like to stay with your uncle or move into a boarding school. At least, it will put a distance between you and your stepmother as well as her boyfriend. Frankly, keeping quiet about everything happening behind your father is like giving your stepmother the support to cheat on your father and kill him when she makes up her mind on how to get his property. Being the eldest of your siblings, your younger ones are looking up to you to do the right thing for them. Whether you realise it or not, you are not only failing your father but your siblings as well who would definitely be most affected if anything happens to your father. They will never forgive you for being such a weak sister if your stepmother succeeds in eliminating your father. Your stepmother has the boldness to do as she likes because she knows you are too weak to challenge her or say anything to your father. Your age not withstanding, she wouldn’t have dared if she knew you to be a no-nonsense young lady. Whose interest are you really serving by keeping quiet: Your father’s, your stepmother’s or yours? Telling your father about the nature of this woman he calls wife is the only way you can help him come to a realisation of what is more important to him in life. And if that means ending his marriage to this woman, so be it. Have you considered the damage to you or your sister if her boyfriend succeeds in raping you? Nothing in your life or home will ever be the same. It is best for your father to experience another disappointment in his relationship than to have any of you, his children humiliated. Informing him directly or through your uncle is the only way he can offer you the protection you all deserve at your tender ages. Life isn’t structured by God to be sweet always. It is a mixture of bitterness and sweetness; this is a fact your father knows. Whatever disappointment you are protecting him from, would heal with time. He doesn’t need you to play mother hen to him; what he wants is for you to be his daughter, ask for his protection and love. Call that uncle of yours immediately. And please, do call me. If you want me to help inform your uncle and father, I will gladly do it. Good luck.

I’m married to an armed robber

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in big trouble; one I am not sure how I and my twin sons will ever get out of. Five years ago, out of desperation and greed, I married a man my father disliked and described as a man of questionable character. I ignored my parents and proceeded to get pregnant for him. He was swimming in money so I really didn’t care about what my parents, my father in particular, said. Even when I announced my pregnancy to my father as reasons for him to allow me get married, he refused. He told me he would allow me put to bed in his house; that it was a minor sacrifice to pay than me marrying this man. I ignored my father and went ahead to get married to him legally at the registry. I got someone to represent my parents. At 35, I didn’t really need their consent to marry. Immediately after the marriage ceremony, I noticed some strange things about him. First, he didn’t approve of sharing the same room. He insisted on me keeping my room; his excuse, I would cramp his style. Another thing is the frequency with which he goes out at night for one business appointment or the other. When he has to go for these kinds of assignments, he stays completely away from me; wouldn’t even allow me cook his food let alone touch him. I was curious but something about his attitude and behaviour made me less suspicious. However, he recently took ill; as a matter of fact, he collapsed and I had to rush him to the hospital. Since he was unconscious, and the doctor needed money, I took the key to his room to find out if he had money. What I saw was beyond me. Right inside his wardrobe, I saw a calabash with fetish ornaments and a padlock inside it. Further search revealed different kinds of guns with red cloths and cowries tied to them. Also in his room, I found a bag containing a lot of money. I didn’t bother to take the money or anything from the room. I immediately left the room, took the key back to the hospital. I had to look for money elsewhere. Fortunately, he woke up shortly after I got to the hospital and demanded that he should be taken away from the hospital. He called two of his closest friends, who according to him, would take him to their church for prayers. As always, he told me not to bother; that I should stay behind to look after our twin sons. He is better now, but I am now very scared of him. There is no doubt that my husband is an armed robber. But who do I tell? What can I do? Can I divorce him? I cannot go to the Police because I happen to know he is highly connected in the Police Force. I am so confused. He is beginning to question me about my behaviour as I seldom allow him come near me and the children. Twice he has asked me if I entered his room while he was unconscious, I lied about not having the key to his room, hence the question of me entering the room doesn’t even arise. Please, Agatha, I respect you so much. What can I do without incurring his wrath and putting the lives of my entire family members at risk? This guy is mean and capable of hurting me and my family members. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, First things first, you need the wisdom of God to untangle yourself from this whole mess. Pray and be very calm else you risk making another huge mistake. While you calculate your options, continue to behave as if nothing is wrong. Criminals are the most intelligent people around. He must have guessed from your attitude towards him that you have unveiled his secrets and only bidding time to expose him. But because you are his wife, the mother of his sons in addition to lack of evidence to nail you, he is keeping calm but also watching you closely. He may also have recruited one or two persons to trail your movement which makes any stupid move on your part very dangerous. What simply has changed is that you now have evidence of his profession; beyond that he remains your husband; the same person you have slept, romanced, ate and played with. You must continue to function in all these roles until such a time that you can take your leave of him. To deny him these rights is to further fuel his suspicion. Besides, if you are truthful to yourself, you knew from your account that something was not right about the man you married the moment he denied you free access into his room. When a man ignores your food at a certain time, doesn’t allow you near him also at that particular time, shouldn’t that have alerted you to something sinister about him? Shouldn’t you have known that it was not a normal behaviour for a man to refuse food and sex simply because he has a business assignment? Didn’t you wonder or ask what kind of business assignment would prevent a man from sleeping with his wife or eating her food? And when these kinds of assignments became a regular feature with him, did you for once demand to know or find out what nature of business he was into? The issue here is long past regrets. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock; meaning you have to continue to endure this situation. The less you talk about it, the better for you. Mop up as much money as you can from him. Give yourself a target to leave him. To stay more than necessary is to endanger your life and those of your children. Be careful, this is not the time for you to play smart. With this money, you can buy your freedom from the bondage your greed and disobedience of your father’s warning put you into. This is because in the eyes of law, you are his wife; you could easily be accused of trying to blackmail him by the same people within the Police who have been protecting him. The so-called guns could easily be removed from the house, leaving you without evidence to back up your claims. Be reminded that there is no law in this country that prohibits keeping of charms in the house. He could easily claim the pot of charm you saw is for protection, including yours as well. You will only look stupid at the end of the day. The only thing you would have achieved by this is to further put yourself in a more deadly position. Therefore perish this thought. Divorce is not also an option. On what grounds would you be divorcing him? Instead of considering this option, why not instead become more loving to distract him? Your chances of escaping with the children will only be enhanced if he lets down his guard around you. To take him off your trail, tell him you have been worried about his health hence your seeming withdrawal from him. Make your move only when sure he has eased up. Make sure you don’t stay in this country. Go as far away from him as possible. But if you are in Lagos, please come to our head office so you and I can talk. There are certain things I cannot say here. But in the meantime, continue to pray for him, you and the children. Your family really needs the intervention of God to make right all that is wrong in your home. Good luck.

His ex threatens hell if he dates me…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in love with a man whom I think doesn’t feel the same way about me. He rarely calls, always claiming to be busy. I just found out that he is still dating his former girlfriend because she threatened to deal with him if he thinks of leaving her. The lady is connected in his college. He is in his final year in medical school. He says I should tolerate the situation until he graduates when he will be able to cut the bond between him and this lady. I am contemplating on forcing him to choose between the two of us because he can’t eat and still have his cake. What do you think? I am 21. He is all I want in a man; I do really love him but I want to be careful so it doesn’t appear as if I am selling myself cheap to him. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What kind of influence does this lady have over him? Why should the fact that she is well connected and in a position to spoil things for him bother him? Not unless the information she has about him is capable of damaging his entire dream of becoming a medical doctor. If this is the case, even if he graduates from the college of medicine, this woman has the advantage of using her information to destroy him either now or in the future. The implication is; unless she is tired of him, ready to move on with another man, your boyfriend will never be free to have a life of his own. This is why you should be curious to know why he feels incapable to move on with you now. He has to take you into confidence, tell you the choices before you if you elect to endure the situation with the other woman. Make him understand that enduring the situation isn’t the big challenge for you but you knowing why you are doing it. In addition, the power the other woman seems to hold over him must be very strong for him to go back to her after approaching you for a relationship. Refusing to discuss or acknowledge it will definitely affect the quality of your relationship in the future. He simply has to learn to trust you with the nature of their relationship. As for you staying, the decision is yours to make. It is your life and your dream. While some relationships are worth fighting for, others are simply not worth it. Our experiences in life incubate patience as well as our maturity in handling of certain personal matter. At 21, what kind of experiences do you have to play second fiddle to another woman in the attention of your man? What makes you think, he has the kinds of qualities you need in a man to be happy? Have you the maturity to look past his appearance to his nature as a man? Good looks alone don’t paint a relationship with the colours of success. It takes more than the kinds of qualities you think he has to give a woman the drive to make a relationship work. One thing is non-negotiable - respect. No matter where a man is, who is with, he must at all times revere the woman in his life. If at this early stage in your relationship, he doesn’t feel the excitement to call, know how you are faring, what would happen when your relationship has developed into a pattern? This is one sign for the woman with a discerning mind to ponder on. A woman’s best days are wrapped in her relationships, when men court her attention and interest. If you are the one running around the clock to attract his attention, then you might want to consider what this relationship would feel some years down the road. No matter how busy a man gets, the thought of his new relationship overshadows everything. The fact that he gives the excuse of being busy not to call you means you are not exactly the prime person on his scale of preference. That means there is another person in his life, who occupies that important place. You therefore have the option of staying and enduring whatever you get from him or leaving him to find happiness somewhere else. Relationship is about joint ideas or dreams. He may be your ideal man, but he has to be convinced that you are his ideal lady too. That is the only time you can enjoy this relationship. Whatever you are doing now without this man sure that you are worth the risk or sacrifice, you may not get the best of him and this relationship. Like I said, the choice is ultimately yours to stay or not. Good luck.

He wants me back, just the way I need him too, but…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Long ago, I fell in love with my best friend. We were so much in love until we had a dispute. This disagreement led to our break up. I also left for Calabar that very weekend, determined to put as much distance between us. Due to the stress of what happened between us, I didn’t particularly pay attention to my body. It was until three months later, I noticed I hadn’t seen my flow. By the time I went for test, I was already about four months gone. And when I made attempts to inform him, I heard, he married the first girl he met after we broke up. Everything was too fast for me. A combination of the hurt and betrayal made me decide against coming back to Lagos or informing him about the baby. That was three years ago. Now he is in Calabar. A friend of his who moved to Calabar a year ago must have told him about us. His child attends the same school as my son. What I didn’t know is that he and the woman he married went their separate ways barely six months after their wedding and that they are now formally divorced. He is begging me to reconsider coming to him but I am involved in another relationship. Though I love him and would want to spend the rest of my life with him, I am however constrained by my relationship with this other man who has introduced me to his people as the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. Honestly, there can never be anyone like him for me but I don’t know how to go about this problem without causing anyone pains. I love the father of my child with all my whole heart. Already my son is thrilled with the idea of meeting and having his father. He has suddenly become so hostile to my boyfriend. What do I do? Hilary. Dear Hilary, This is the junction where you have to face reality in your life. You cannot be in love with one man and marry another. Sentiments won’t get you anywhere in this matter because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. You cannot afford to cut corners, sweep under the carpet issues you should tackle now. If you go ahead to marry your current boyfriend feeling the way you do about the father of your child, you would only be postponing doom’s day. No matter how deep your current boyfriend loves you, there is no way he would endure being married to a woman who doesn’t love him. Even if you pretend to love him now, the knowledge that your former boyfriend is free and available to marry you will eventually make you to become cold towards this man. Gradually, you will begin to be offended by his presence, his attitude and everything he used to do that once made you happy. At the end of the day, hate would take the place of whatever feelings you have for each other. This is why you should be bold enough now to tackle your shadow. Even if your ex didn’t show up, you still would never have been able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. You will only end up destroying this man for another woman. Free him before it is too late for another woman to redeem him; give him back his confidence as a man. He may not really appreciate your telling him the truth today, but he would eventually thank you for having the guts to end the relationship when he finds his true rib. There is nothing difficult in telling him the truth about what you feel for the father of your child. Just be very honest. The plain truth is that you haven’t really fallen out of love with your past. Let this man know that you will never be able to love another the way you love the father of your child. As for his family, they will understand that it is better to have a broken relationship than a broken marriage. In taking back your man, ensure whatever caused the initial problem is properly discussed and settled. So it doesn’t cast a permanent shadow in your relationship. Good luck.

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met the lady I am about to marry last year. She is a wonderful woman, but very stubborn. I really love and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She has met my family; they all like her but the greatest challenge I have is how to present her two and a half year old baby boy to my family. Knowing my mother, she won’t accept the fact that this lady has had a child. I know this because the lady I intended marrying three years ago also had a child from a previous relationship. Despite her contributions to my education and all that she did for my family, my mother insisted I couldn’t marry her on account of the baby she had in her previous relationship. It was very painful but there was little I could do given the fact that I desire my wife and mother to be friends. My mother’s stance on the matter is that through the child, the mother and father could get back together especially if the child is ill or has a need that requires the attention of the father. She cited the story of her elder sister who left her marriage to get back with the father of her first child. When I met my current woman, she didn’t tell me about her child, at least not for the first two months. By the time I got to know, I was already in love with her. I had no choice but to forgive her. But I didn’t tell anybody within my family about the child, not even my sisters both of whom I was very close to. Each time she is coming to our house, she leaves the baby with her mother. I have tried talking her into leaving the baby with her mother permanently, but she appears unwilling to. She says I have to learn to love her and her baby since she isn’t ready to leave the child with her mother. She also says she doesn’t care what my mother or family members think since they don’t expect her to throw the baby away simply to please them. We have debated this inside out. Now she is pregnant for me and we are planning our marriage. As a matter of fact, our wedding day is two weeks away. I shudder to think of what would happen to her and our marriage if my mother discovers she already has a child. I have also suggested giving the child back to the father if she cannot give the child to her mother. That too, she rejected. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love my mother, she suffered so much to bring us up and I don’t want to ever hurt her. I am her only son. I am at a crossroad. Much as I love my woman, I am also wondering if I can cope with her unusual obstinate nature. Even when I pleaded with her to do it for me, at least until we have our own children and nobody can hurt her anymore, she still refused. She is even planning for the child to be present on the wedding day; she actually suggested that we use him as the pageboy. How do I resolve this issue? Please help me as I am becoming fed up with everything. Daniel. Dear Daniel, From your letter, you have told the story of what your family and wife-to-be want, but nowhere did you say what you want as a man. As the man at the centre of this whole drama, you must have a say because the issue concerns you more than anybody else. No serious minded man leaves his home to chance or the opinions of others. It is either you want the child or not. It has nothing to do with what your mother feels or your wife for that matter. Staying on the fence in a delicate matter as this won’t help you or your home. This is not a transient situation; rather it is a permanent thing. Therefore, if you are not comfortable with it from the beginning, your chances of being a good husband to the mother and worthy father to the boy are very slim. The happiness of your home is pegged on your ability to adequately perform these roles very well. Once anything limits your ability to function as a good husband and father to this child, then your decision to marry the mother becomes void. This is because his very presence in your home will continue to irritate you, causing you to react in ways that you should ordinarily not when angry. There is therefore the need for you and your intended wife to sit and discuss as truthfully as possible. Let her know precisely what you feel about the issue of her baby. As it is, you are deliberately hiding behind your mother to voice your own uneasiness with the idea of the child staying permanently with you. Your woman doesn’t know you are really the one who isn’t comfortable, hence her insistence that the child will stay with both of you. She thinks if you don’t have a problem with the child, your mother shouldn’t. Not until you come out with what you really feel, your woman will never shift grounds. Before you both make a costly mistake, one you will both end up regretting, let her know what you really feel about her child. It will help her come to a realistic decision on where to leave him until it is expedient for you to bring in the child. Life is about compromises, particularly in a marriage where two strangers are coming together to begin a family. She has to be convinced that her decision to marry you is right while she also has to assure you that she would give you the support and respect needed for you to function as the head of the home. This issue concerning where her child stays must first be tackled before your wedding day. To go into a marriage with your very opposing views would be very unfair on your marriage. The burden of your differences will be too heavy for your marriage to bear. The implication would be constant quarrels, the kind that will sooner or later wear down the fabrics of your dreams as a couple. Although the child ordinarily should not be your burden, but since you have elected to marry the mother, it is only fair that you encourage mother and child relationship. At age two and a half, returning the child to the father may not be too tidy unless the mother of the man is willing to take on the child. However, the child’s mother should have the freedom to visit whenever she likes. But you have to know why she is unwilling to let her mother to take on the child permanently. Encouraging her to talk about the child, her own mother and all the situations she has been through will at the end of the day give you a clear idea of how to intervene in this matter. Trust me, nothing good ever comes out of giving orders. She has to listen to your reasons just as you must know her reasons too. Once both of you have a common ground, it would be very easy to convince your mother about her child. It is also important not to totally dismiss your mother’s worries. Her years of experience on earth have exposed her to the kind of situations you haven’t gone through or even seen yet. No matter how annoying her stance on this matter is, give her the benefit of doubt by asking her for help. At any rate, your woman is already pregnant, so your mother cannot completely insist on you terminating the relationship. Therefore, go to her before she finds out on her own. Her reactions to your woman can still be moderated than if you both go to her with the story. Let her know that fear of how to present the subject of the child to her led to your delay in telling her. And that it wasn’t out of disrespect or mischief. Enlist the help of your sisters to confront your mother. Ignore whatever they all say; the important thing is for her to find out from you before she gets to hear about it from other sources or on the wedding day. The idea of the child featuring in the wedding train would have been the height of insult to your mother’s feelings. What is missing in this whole situation is communication. You must all be willing to talk about the subject of this child. Don’t forget that whatever decision you all take concerning this child will tell on the person he turns out to be and that this child is going to be the elder brother to all your children. For this reason, you must therefore take more interest in what becomes of him since you are marrying the mother. Good luck.

My bridesmaid stole my man on our wedding day…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Several years ago, I was disappointed on the day of my white wedding with the only man I loved. Without explaining, what my offences were, he left me standing like a fool in my wedding gown on the day I was supposed to be the happiest. Funny enough my bridesmaid, who was with me in the church, took an excuse to go urinate but never bothered to return. After two hours of waiting endlessly for the man who was supposed to wed me on that day and a bridesmaid whose disappearance I couldn’t understand, my parents took me home to nurse me back to emotional stability. I had to leave the country to stay with my elder brother. Those days were very difficult for me as there was no news from my best friend. I was getting very worried but my parents as well as hers kept assuring me she would be found. If her parents knew what happened, they didn’t say so, but they were always calling me to know if I was okay. As for my ex, I couldn’t be bothered but after five years, I ran into him by accident in London. He was in company of my former best friend and bridesmaid, married and with children. Seeing them both brought back those memories I didn’t want to remember. Although I had no way of knowing but something very deep inside of me had always known that my bridesmaid disappearance was not unconnected with my ex standing me up on our wedding day. I didn’t bother to acknowledge their presence, just walked past them. I don’t know how they found out where I stay, but they have been sending people to come and plead with me. They are actually asking for a chance to come and explain to me what happened on that day. But my mind is made up, I will never forgive both of them for causing me so much pains. Because of that incident, I have been unable to trust any man enough to fall in love. I see everyman as evil. Besides, knowing that they both left my life to be together makes it the more difficult for me to forgive them. How can I forgive the two people I loved the most in life for hurting me the way the did? Was it wrong to have introduced my boyfriend to my best friend? My brother and parents all want me to forgive them but it is impossible because I have vowed never to let go of all that they did to me. Is it wrong, my stance of not ever forgiving them? Something tells me from the attitude of my parents and siblings that they are not happy with my decision not to forgive and never to trust again. I am 32 and even if I want to forgive them, I don’t know how to let go. The pains will never go away no matter how hard I try. Semilore. Dear Semilore, There is no balm as complete and powerful as forgiveness. Without it, you and I will be nowhere. If you want to go far in life, experience happiness and love, you just have to let go of the memories of what these persons did to you. Therefore everything is wrong with your decision not to forgive. Life without forgiveness is like an empty shell because our imperfection makes us daily candidates for forgiveness. When you refuse to forgive, it makes forgiveness difficult to obtain from God and others. Besides, when one nurses bitterness against another person for too long, it becomes a cancer, which eats into that person if not controlled. Soon, the bitterness begins to reflect in the person’s attitude to everything happening around him or her. You may not know it, but the resentment in you may be reflecting in your attitude and reactions to things around you, the reason your family is asking you to let go. More often than not, it is the people around that suffer more from the attitude of a person who is unable to forgive. While friends and family may have started with sympathy but this soon turns to worry and later silent anger at the attitude of the person. In addition, your refusal to let go is blinding you to the other reasons God may not have wanted you in such a marriage. Remember, if your marriage to your ex were meant to be, nothing and nobody would have been able to come between the two of you. The fact that he stood you up on your wedding day underscores his irrelevance in your life. And one of the reasons you must make an effort to forgive him is that God allowed it to happen before you made the mistake of marrying him. What would you have done if it happened after you married him? How would you have felt discovering that your so-called best friend and your husband were having an affair right under your nose? If you look beyond your hurt and pains, you will appreciate that they actually did you a favour because he would never have been able to love or give you the kind of happiness you deserve feeling the way he felt about your friend. For him to have left you for your friend on your wedding day meant what he felt and still feels for her has deeper roots than what he felt for you. You would never have been able to cope with that kind of situation. For this reason, release them so that you too would feel the power of love. One of the many lessons life has taught me is that love can happen in very unexpected places. Terrible as the decision of these two people appear to be, see it as one of those things that give character to our persons. Without such life changing experiences, our personal history books will be devoid of occurrences that will either help inspire others or pull them out of emotionally troubled waters. Our experiences are solution incubators for others to learn and grow from. Granted, yours was painful and dehumanising. However the truth is, you don’t have the patent for it. Some men and women have gone through similar situations and are today happy for such timely intervention by God. Have you ever considered that fact if you both had ended as an item, one of you might have gone before today? Remember, God doesn’t do anything without a reason. He is the only one that sees the end from the beginning. No matter what you feel, how painful and hurtful, submit yourself to the supremacy of God. This way, it would be easier for you to forgive this couple. The reason the memory remains fresh is your refusal to let go. If you had accepted offers to date other men, you would have since gotten over the emotional pains of being left standing on the altar. At 32, your biological clock is ticking, it is oblivious of whatever pains you are going through. By refusing to date another man, you are denying yourself with each the day you spend on the same spot the opportunity of being happy and of becoming a mother too. Of what use is your refusal to move on? The two people who hurt you are happy with each other and have children to show for it. Even if you silently thought he would one day come back to you, shouldn’t the fact that they are married with a family of their own enough reason for you to move on? You are unable to forgive because you have refused to let go. Once you make that vital decision, you will find that forgiveness is very easy. It is a simple matter of allowing yourself the freedom to exist in the shadows of God, of surrendering your life to Him as well as trusting in Him implicitly. The danger of not surrendering to the will of God is to stagnate the hands of God in your life. Once you allow yourself to live again, trust in love and experience once again the comfort of being in love, you will forget all these. It is a matter of having the right attitude towards life. Regard whatever happened that day as a closed chapter in your life. It is time for you to take stock, what were the things you ignored, didn’t count important in that relationship? The incident that led to you being left in the altar didn’t begin that day; you just didn’t bother to take on the signs. By reviewing your mistakes as a person, you are helping yourself become better to take on the challenge of a new relationship. For reasons best known to God, you needed this incident to effect some changes in your life and attitude. Only a free and willing heart can embrace the inherent lesson here. When next a man comes, submit the desires of his interest to God; leaving Him to do what He knows how to do best. I am sure several years down the road you will have reasons to thank God for your narrow escape. Good luck.

Six years’ widowhood, no love relationship

with Agatha Edo08054500526 e-mail: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a young widow; have been one for six years. Painfully and strangely, in all these years I have been widowed, no man has come close to asking me out; let alone a relationship with me. It isn’t as if I am ugly; by every standard and without sounding immodest, I am pretty. I am so confused about this. I am too young to be on my own; I need a man in my life but I sincerely lack knowledge of how to go about resolving my problem. Please, Agatha, tell me how to handle this issue, which is slowly killing me as a woman. Confused Widow. Dear Confused Widow, In our society there are so many myths and clouds of doubts surrounding widows especially if the man died under mysterious circumstances. In this part of the world, a man doesn’t just die without his wife knowing the cause of his death. Unfortunate as it is, widowhood in this part of the world is a curse particularly for the young woman who has ambition to remarry again. Even if a man really wants to be part of the woman’s life, his family and friends will never allow him be for the simple reason that the woman may have killed her husband to get his property or buy herself freedom from a bad marriage. It is always a woman’s fault when her husband dies. In your case, it appears that there is more to your story. If for six years, no man is coming near you, then something is very wrong somewhere. The time has come for you to move on, change your location to a place nobody knows about your story or the kind of death your late husband died from. But before you do this, be sincere to yourself. Face the truth about his death, your relationship with his people and the attitude of even those close to you during his death as well as after. If the consensus is that you are guilty, what makes people think you are guilty so much so there seems to be an unspoken order to men not to approach you for a relationship? Did you at anytime commit any social act that people think is responsible for the death of your husband? To move forward and be completely free of all that you have been through, take an introspective look into your life with a view of making peace with God. When things become this complicated as well as confusing, there is only one place to go. He knows and sees everything. Once you make peace with Him, it becomes easy for you to move on with your life. Whatever it is that is stalling your happiness, making it impossible for another man to appreciate you as a woman, has to be removed by God to open your face up to the appreciation of other men. Ask Him to send you to a pastor who He has prepared to conduct a deliverance session for you. Sincerely, your story and situation go beyond the ordinary. Something somewhere is holding things up for you and unless it is cleared, you may end up completely frustrated. This is why you must be truthful and alert to the spirit of God within you because that is the only way for you to move on. Changing your environment will help you set new goals for yourself. It will give you a new lease of life, the liberty to dream again. Because life is a big school and our experiences, the examination that takes us to the next classroom, you must be prepared to learn from all your past experiences to make your next attempt at being happy achievable. Sometimes, the things we count as unimportant are those things that stand against us in our times of trial and battles. You may have said one or two things in a moment of heated exchange of words with your late husband that is today working against you. A wholesome character comes from care and sensitivity to the feelings of those around us. African society is the kind where anything done or said can be amplified to mean so many things when something goes wrong. A wife must therefore be careful of the kind of attitude she puts up when having issues with her husband. The delicate and frail nature of life means that we treat every moment we have with loved ones with absolute care to avoid unwittingly branding ourselves with names that do not reflect our true nature. Only a complete change of environment would offer you the kind of clean platform to begin life all over again. When a man wants a woman, her appearance isn’t always what he is looking for but her character is what he is looking into. A woman may wear the Miss World crown; if she lacks the right character to go with it, an ugly-looking woman with a flawless character is more likely to get a good husband than she does. Therefore, it isn’t just about your pretty face but about your character as well as the spiritual freedom to progress from the point you are in. Good luck.

My children disapprove of my remarrying at 50

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 50 this year. I have been divorced for over 20 years and I have four children. I had three for my ex- husband while my last child came from an affair I had with someone else. The father of my last child was very much interested in marrying me but I didn’t love him enough to be his second wife. Besides, I didn’t want to be involved with the hassles of struggling for a man with another woman. I had enough marital problems from my previous marriage. The decision to remain single was also taken to give me time to invest in my children’s welfare. I didn’t want to lose them too which in my views would happen if I had married at that time. My first and second children are married. The third one is in her third year in the higher institution while my baby is about to write her Senior Secondary School examinations. Without knowing it, I am almost alone. In the last four years, I have been in a relationship with a widower who is interested in marrying me. With all of them almost out of the house, I decided to give matrimony a trial once again. I cannot stand the idea of staying alone. Rather than my children to be happy for me, they are all angry with me. My two married daughters are dismissing my reason for wanting to get married saying being a grandmother is enough work on its own; that I can always rotate visiting them. They further argued that they indeed need me more than before to look after their children and that at my age, I am too old to marry. Even though my two younger children are not so vocal but they have to stand with their elder sisters in solidarity. My younger sisters all support my move and have told my children to allow me be. How selfish can children be? Can you imagine my second daughter asking me what I need a man for at my age? Am I too old to have feelings anymore simply because I have reached menopause? After devoting my life to them, they are not ready to allow me be. I love them; they are all I have and live for but I also need to move on. At my age, I need companionship; what do they expect me to do when I need the comfort of a man? Is it wrong to crave for happiness again? Their father, since leaving us, has remarried. His only contribution to their lives was coming on the day of their native and white wedding ceremonies to play his role as father of the brides. I have shouldered single-handedly all their responsibilities. All I am asking from them is their understanding. I want to be a woman all over again. Is it too much to ask? What do these children want from me? I am very hurt, Agatha. Help me deal with this challenge because I am saddened by their attitude and meanness towards me. Theresa. Dear Theresa, At 50, you are more than ripe to make your decisions. You don’t need their permission to be happy in life. Children, by nature, are very selfish especially when their parents are separated. They usually cling to the parent they are with, refusing to grant the parent any freedom to chart a life of his or her own. They see any attempt by the parent to have a life with another person as shutting them out permanently. It is usually a very difficult and emotional time for the parent whose emotional needs also must be satisfied. That is why some parents rush into other relationships or marriages once they obtain freedom from a previous marriage. The reason is to prevent a battle of monopoly in later years. Mostly, they are reacting to the fear of complete abandonment by their two parents. Irritating and absurd as this may sound, your children are afraid that allowing another man into your life means they will become irrelevant in your life and their movement in and out of your life will be restricted because they now have to knock on doors, they never had reason to knock on before entering. It is obvious that you still need to make them understand some basic facts about life, especially the two of them that are married. They are the ones that you have to work on the most. Like you said, the younger ones may not think anything of you remarrying as long as it doesn’t affect their access to you or pocket money, the only ones on the other hand want you entirely for the sake of their own children.If you remain single, it will be a lot easier for them to dump their children on you anytime; the only kind of company they reason you would need at your age. Without your undivided attention focused on them only, they are afraid you may come up with excuses as to why you cannot have the grandchildren at a particular time. This is why the older ones are more infuriated at the idea of you remarrying. Normally as women, they should be the ones campaigning for you to remarry considering how lonely it would be for you now that they are all almost out of the house. Like my mother once said, if a mother isn’t careful or wise, she would end up being her children’s unpaid as well as unofficial house-help. They are being both malicious and mischievous if they say they don’t need a man at your age or that you are too old. The third semester of a person’s life could be the loneliest particularly if that person is single. It is the time of an adult’s life when companionship is most desired because the children are all leaving to start their own families. What do they expect you to do? Call them for a private meeting with you. The meeting is not to plead with them about your decision but to ask them what you have done wrong to them to deserve their opposition to your decision to be happy. Perhaps the time has come for you to tell them how you managed all these years to stay sane emotionally. Let them know what it cost you to stay alone for their sakes. Tell them if you had intended to abandon them, it would have been in your younger years. Make it clear to them that you may have attained the wisdom age but you are not without feelings as a woman. And to brand you old and worthless as a woman is unpardonable. This is no time to massage whatever ego or right they think they have over your life. As a mother and parent, you haven’t given them any reason to be ashamed but now that they are passing out of your home, the time has come for you to drag the woman in you out of the cupboard of time where you have kept her. Demand to know from them if they would have tried to stop you if you were a man.End it by asking how they would feel if each time they come for visits with their children, they meet a different man in your bedroom? Let them chew on that possibility for a while. They don’t have to apologise now but eventually when they see you are determined to go ahead with your decision; they will eventually come around to your way of thinking. But, you must ensure the man you are marrying is the kind of father figure they need. Their resentment is a clear indication that deep down they haven’t really gotten over the issue of their father and you. They are really scared that they would lose you too as they did their father once he got himself another woman. Ensure the man is the kind that can bring all of them together, has the maturity to overlook their initial response to him. His interest in them would make it easy for you to function in your roles as grandmother and mother to both your children and his. By doing the very things they fear you may not be able to do for them once married, will make them thaw towards you and your husband faster than anything else. Encourage him to stop by in their houses to greet them without you. If he understands all the issues involved, he will know the politics of ensuring harmony in all your lives. Involving his children too in this integration plan will indeed help smoothen things better. The young have a way of communicating to each other better than when older people try to talk to them. Above all, just give yourself up to the will of God. Good luck.