With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My marriage is just three months old. My father-in-law is a very good man, the kind of father I prayed for. I lost my father last year and he has become a fine replacement for him.
Since marrying his son, he has been there for me, telling me things he knows will help me live a wonderful life with my husband. Through him, I got to know what kind of things to avoid and what to hold tightly to.
He even went as far as teaching me how to prepare his son’s favourite food, which incidentally is also his. He said his mother used to cook it for him and that my husband fell in love with the food too when he went to live with her.
His wife, my stepmother-in-law is also an angel. Unless one is told she isn’t the biological mother of my husband, you won’t know from the way she dotes on my husband and his elder brother. Her daughters and son accord their elder brothers every respect they deserve.
On the other hand, my mother-in-law is a terror. She is divorced from my father-in-law. I learnt she didn’t also last long in her second marriage. She is in her third marriage.
For some strange reasons, she and I didn’t get off on a good start. But being the younger woman, I have tried my best to be civil and to avoid getting into her wrong side.
But with her latest decision and desire, there is no way I can avoid it. About three weeks ago, she packed into my house without notifying her son or me.
I came back from work to meet her fully installed in my guest room. She even had my sister staying with us make a different kind of meal for her, different from the one I instructed them to make.
As if that wasn’t enough, she brought some clothes including her underwear she wanted my sister to wash. Out of respect, she did but left out the pants.
When I came back home, my sister was very angry and indicated her interest to go if she was staying. I waited for my husband to come back home before saying anything. He too didn’t like the idea of his mother coming and tried to persuade her to go back to her husband’s house.
Rather than face her son, she started raining curses on my family and me. There was nothing she didn’t say, including manipulating her son to favour his father instead of her; my husband and I bought a car for the father during his birthday.
She told everyone who cared to listen that I will not enjoy peace in her son’s home. It’s been hell for me. My husband has been begging me but everyday she spends in our home is a living hell. My father-in-law and his wife are currently in Ghana; I don’t know if I should call him to report the development in my home.
Every night, I hear her cursing any woman who will not allow her enjoy her son. What do I do? I am not cut out for her kind of person. Please help me because I am getting fed up and won’t mind leaving her son for my peace of mind.
I haven’t told my mother because she is yet to recover from my father’s death, which affected her badly due to their closeness. Telling her what I am going through might kill her.
Agatha, please help me.
Morayo.
Dear Morayo,
Every page of marriage is a lesson of endurance, sacrifices, patience and wisdom. Unfortunately, these experiences are the kinds nobody talks about. Even those who attempt to share their own stories, more often than not, hiss or sigh through the story. At the end of the day, the story is never fully told due to the desire to protect one’s marriage and image.
Morayo, I assure you that whatever you are going through isn’t strange at all. If every married woman is to write her experience, you will find that we are all confronted in our different homes with similar situations; the only difference being in the faces of the actors.
Even your mother-in-law who is your major headache now also went through a similar situation as a young wife.
If the women before you survived to become mothers-in-law in the same homes they were victimised and traumatised as women, then you will survive your own ordeal.
All you have to do is ask God for the grace to develop a thick skin to endure your mother-in-law. You will definitely outlive her as long as you have the determination to make your marriage work. There is no avoiding this kind of confrontation in most marriages. It will always happen because she sees you as someone vying for the love of the son she has always had to herself. One day when you too become a mother-in-law you will understand some of her sentiments. It takes the grace of God for a mother to let go completely especially if the wife of her son, tries to stop her from having access to him.
There is no way a mother won’t get upset if she remembers all she went through in producing the man this younger woman is trying to monopolise. Is it the agony of the early days of pregnancy or the sleepless nights of worries when sick or going through life’s many changes that she went through with him?
For these reasons, don’t worry about her attitude towards you. Her desire is to have and keep the love of her son. Like most women in her shoes, she is trying to protect her territory; especially as she has no husband to keep her company. In your case, she is a handful because all her attempts at marriages have failed. Although she is refusing to say anything, she is lonely hence her decision to move into your home.
Whether you like it or not, your husband is her son therefore he owes her a certain degree of loyalty. This is something you must not attempt to deny both of them because they have been part of each other’s lives before you came in.
The only thing is that she is over-doing it, placing curses on you. Whenever she does that, tell yourself it isn’t your portion and that at any rate, you have no intention of stopping her from having peace in her son’s house.
From experience, women like her are difficult to win over because not only have they developed their ideas of what they want but are very determined to make sure her ways are the only right ones.
Her kind needs idiotic patience to win over. Since you know she is impossible in many ways, try to ignore her when she begins. See her attitude as being part of who she is, an extension of the man you love.
This way, to some extent, you will tolerate her excesses while also working on your husband to do all he can to stop her from placing curses on you. Your husband should tap into the natural love every mother has for her child and plead with her not to curse you since he will be worst affected should anything happen to you.
If you can both afford it, spend your weekends away from home. Leave on Friday and come back on Monday evening. This way, you will reduce your time with her as well as have something to look forward to. This kind of sacrifice will help protect your mind and marriage from all the things she is doing or saying.
As for your sister, it might be advisable for her to leave. Get an elderly woman to come in thrice in a week to clean the house for you. Such a woman would have the tact and experience to handle your mother-in-law’s tantrums. There is no way your sister can refuse to go on errands for her. It will eventually lead to more complications for you.
The fact that your mother-in-law is unable to keep a home isn’t your business at all. You know what the reactions of your father-in-law would be to her staying in your house. Don’t try to play one against the other. They are both your parents-in-law. During her own birthday, no matter what, also give her a worthy gift to balance your act. Let’s be fair to her, in her shoes, how would you feel? Even if she is the most terrible person in the world, she deserves some attention too from her son.
This is one reason you must be determined to make your own marriage work despite her attitude. She is obviously suffering for some ill-conceived decisions she made in the past but the lesson of life is all about healing old wounds. The more you all ignore her, the more bitter and unbearable she becomes. A little love and endurance from you can change her. She cannot give love because she never had it but you have love so give it to her!
Good luck.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
She did plastic surgery to date boys her sons’ age
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How does one describe a woman who under the guise of going for a holiday abroad came back a different person? Since last year, I have heard stories of my wife of almost 25 years having affairs with boys of her sons’ ages.
You see Agatha, one gets to an age in life when one pretends not to notice or hear certain things. At 61, I have seen almost all the shades of life to be shocked. Between you and I, when these stories about my wife were coming, I at first didn’t believe them, but I began to suspect when she started behaving in strange manner. She was wearing clothes that left her behind exposed. I mean blouses that really didn’t cover her up.
I am 11 years older than she is. At 50, she still looked beautiful and appealing in the kind of way women blessed with good body usually is at that age.
Even when I thought they were right, I made up my mind to be fair to her. I too have had flings here and there. If she wanted to feel young, I figured, I should let her be. At my age, I was too experienced in the ways of men and women to bother myself with whatever she may have decided to do. Besides, it was the best way for me to handle my heart problem. I wasn’t ready to die over the decision of one woman, even if she is my wife to have a relationship outside our marriage. As far as she didn’t end up embarrassing me, kept it out of my sight and environs, I was ready to endure the marriage because as a wife and mother, she had really tried.
But not even my resolve to look the other way prepared me for the latest development. Sometimes, I wonder if women ever think or know the implications of their decisions. My wife travelled to United Kingdom to spend sometime with our daughter or so she said.
Six weeks, she came back looking 20 years younger courtesy of a dramatic plastic surgery she went for. She didn’t bother to inform me, ask for my opinion and permission before taking such a major decision.
From her action, it is obvious to me that what I think no longer matters means a lot. Although in front of her, people compliment her new looks, behind her they mock us. As a matter of fact, her children too are embarrassed by her decision and a few of my friends have asked me why I allowed her get away with it.
Sincerely, I have had it with her. I am really angry about everything and I am not impressed with her looks at all. Like her, I have also refused to discuss whatever she did to herself and refused to be seen together with her. I guess the reaction of the people around her must have gotten through to her because she no longer attends the family church, instead she now attends one of her friends’ church.
I hope you don’t regard my question as an insult, but what is it with you women? Why do women hurt the men who love them the most? What goes on in the mind of the average woman?
Although my mind is made up about my marriage, yet I can’t help wondering if you women think at all.
Roland.
Dear Roland,
Not at all. In the line of this job, I have learnt to understand the different feelings and emotions of everybody when going through one form of crisis or the other. I have become used to remarks like yours, so I am not offended. It is logical, given your recent experiences. You must be going through a cocktail of emotions, so looking for a woman to lash at.
For the first time, I don’t know how to handle this matter, but this calls for absolute patience because the issues are multi-dimensional. To help you arrive at the right decision, try to treat them individually. This way, you will be sure what precisely you are reacting to in this marriage.
You also have to factor in the years you have both spent together, especially those years when she was much younger and more attractive. In doing this, you must also take into considerations your own contributions to the person she has become.
Are you sure you didn’t help to make her the kind of woman she has become? In terms of attention and appreciation, how would you grade yourself?
While I am not trying to give her an easy berth, the truth remains that we unwittingly weaken or sharpen the resolve of our partners to become total strangers to us. If she is having affairs at the age both of you should be recapping on your life together, finding the emotional and mental equilibrium to advance into middle age, then something is very wrong in all the years you have spent together so far?
This is especially so if she has been faithful to you all these years. An old woman doesn’t learn new dance steps in her prime. Those women you were unfaithful with, how did they look? While you were in these relationships, how much time did you have for her and the children? Did you make her feel ugly, unwanted and unappreciated? Did you at any time bother about her sexual fantasies or just overrode her right of say? What kind of lover and husband were you? Were you a father and friend or a boss and tyrant? How did you bridge the gap of 11 years between the two of you?
A lot of times, we focus more on the mistakes, the end product of our collective actions over the years and not on the issues that gave birth to the challenges in the first place.
Honestly, there is no way she could have simply made up her mind in her old age to misbehave. Years of endurance, silent suffering and deprivation must have changed her to this little monster before you.
And this kind of problem doesn’t just go away. It isn’t by pretending you are matured about it or that you have seen all there are to see about life. No! It is about talking about it and reconciling your differences at the end of it all. Whatever you decide to do with the marriage, both of you must talk because you have too much at stake.
Given your ages, forget about what she has done to her body, nothing can change the age of the mind; you have both reached that delicate stages in your life when a lot of thoughts and considerations go into every decision taken. Unlike in the past, when you can afford the gamble of a wrong decision, you cannot do that now. From this point any resolution must factor in the interest of others as well as its implications on everyone especially the children and grandchildren.
Also you have to consider your own health. At this age, what can you do on your own without a woman in your life? Yes, paid helps can take care of domestic chores, but what about your emotions and other little details only a wife can do best?
Call her irrespective of whatever you think her accumulated sins are. To make the discourse fruitful, suppress whatever anger or disappointment you feel towards her. Like you rightly said, we get to a stage in life when things that were so important assume less significance. She may not have done the surgery for the sake of other men, but to get you to notice her after years of aching for it. By giving her the opportunity to pour out her heart, you make it easier for the both of you to subject your life together to proper scrutiny. Every marriage needs this kind of examination to help heal it from the effects of abuse we unwittingly subject our unions to. Many issues that come up in marriages are from taking each other for granted.
A lot of couples assume that once the dotted lines are signed, the marriage can run itself to success. Unless the same efforts, devotion, interest, love, respect and attention are invested in making a marriage work, it soon runs into problem of rust.
This kind of talk will also help you realise how you contributed to the problems you now blame her for. Importantly, it will help both of you realise in explicit terms the direction of the marriage.
There is nothing that heals a bad marriage like a frank talk. At this point, don’t hide anything from her, including the bit about her extra marital affairs. It is only after this kind of talk that you can make the right kind of decision, because your perspective becomes clearer and more profound.
If at the end of the day, there is something to salvage, don’t hesitate to give your marriage another chance. Like you admitted there is nothing strange any more about life that you haven’t seen.
It isn’t just women who hurt the ones they love. It is a human thing. We tend to take those we love so much for granted, that at the end of the day we end up hurting them unknowingly that we do those we are not so closed to.
The average woman lives for her children and husband. She therefore goes into frenzy when the man in the centre of her life ignores her. This is why you have to be sure of the motive of your wife before condemning her.
God will touch you both where you each need Him the most.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How does one describe a woman who under the guise of going for a holiday abroad came back a different person? Since last year, I have heard stories of my wife of almost 25 years having affairs with boys of her sons’ ages.
You see Agatha, one gets to an age in life when one pretends not to notice or hear certain things. At 61, I have seen almost all the shades of life to be shocked. Between you and I, when these stories about my wife were coming, I at first didn’t believe them, but I began to suspect when she started behaving in strange manner. She was wearing clothes that left her behind exposed. I mean blouses that really didn’t cover her up.
I am 11 years older than she is. At 50, she still looked beautiful and appealing in the kind of way women blessed with good body usually is at that age.
Even when I thought they were right, I made up my mind to be fair to her. I too have had flings here and there. If she wanted to feel young, I figured, I should let her be. At my age, I was too experienced in the ways of men and women to bother myself with whatever she may have decided to do. Besides, it was the best way for me to handle my heart problem. I wasn’t ready to die over the decision of one woman, even if she is my wife to have a relationship outside our marriage. As far as she didn’t end up embarrassing me, kept it out of my sight and environs, I was ready to endure the marriage because as a wife and mother, she had really tried.
But not even my resolve to look the other way prepared me for the latest development. Sometimes, I wonder if women ever think or know the implications of their decisions. My wife travelled to United Kingdom to spend sometime with our daughter or so she said.
Six weeks, she came back looking 20 years younger courtesy of a dramatic plastic surgery she went for. She didn’t bother to inform me, ask for my opinion and permission before taking such a major decision.
From her action, it is obvious to me that what I think no longer matters means a lot. Although in front of her, people compliment her new looks, behind her they mock us. As a matter of fact, her children too are embarrassed by her decision and a few of my friends have asked me why I allowed her get away with it.
Sincerely, I have had it with her. I am really angry about everything and I am not impressed with her looks at all. Like her, I have also refused to discuss whatever she did to herself and refused to be seen together with her. I guess the reaction of the people around her must have gotten through to her because she no longer attends the family church, instead she now attends one of her friends’ church.
I hope you don’t regard my question as an insult, but what is it with you women? Why do women hurt the men who love them the most? What goes on in the mind of the average woman?
Although my mind is made up about my marriage, yet I can’t help wondering if you women think at all.
Roland.
Dear Roland,
Not at all. In the line of this job, I have learnt to understand the different feelings and emotions of everybody when going through one form of crisis or the other. I have become used to remarks like yours, so I am not offended. It is logical, given your recent experiences. You must be going through a cocktail of emotions, so looking for a woman to lash at.
For the first time, I don’t know how to handle this matter, but this calls for absolute patience because the issues are multi-dimensional. To help you arrive at the right decision, try to treat them individually. This way, you will be sure what precisely you are reacting to in this marriage.
You also have to factor in the years you have both spent together, especially those years when she was much younger and more attractive. In doing this, you must also take into considerations your own contributions to the person she has become.
Are you sure you didn’t help to make her the kind of woman she has become? In terms of attention and appreciation, how would you grade yourself?
While I am not trying to give her an easy berth, the truth remains that we unwittingly weaken or sharpen the resolve of our partners to become total strangers to us. If she is having affairs at the age both of you should be recapping on your life together, finding the emotional and mental equilibrium to advance into middle age, then something is very wrong in all the years you have spent together so far?
This is especially so if she has been faithful to you all these years. An old woman doesn’t learn new dance steps in her prime. Those women you were unfaithful with, how did they look? While you were in these relationships, how much time did you have for her and the children? Did you make her feel ugly, unwanted and unappreciated? Did you at any time bother about her sexual fantasies or just overrode her right of say? What kind of lover and husband were you? Were you a father and friend or a boss and tyrant? How did you bridge the gap of 11 years between the two of you?
A lot of times, we focus more on the mistakes, the end product of our collective actions over the years and not on the issues that gave birth to the challenges in the first place.
Honestly, there is no way she could have simply made up her mind in her old age to misbehave. Years of endurance, silent suffering and deprivation must have changed her to this little monster before you.
And this kind of problem doesn’t just go away. It isn’t by pretending you are matured about it or that you have seen all there are to see about life. No! It is about talking about it and reconciling your differences at the end of it all. Whatever you decide to do with the marriage, both of you must talk because you have too much at stake.
Given your ages, forget about what she has done to her body, nothing can change the age of the mind; you have both reached that delicate stages in your life when a lot of thoughts and considerations go into every decision taken. Unlike in the past, when you can afford the gamble of a wrong decision, you cannot do that now. From this point any resolution must factor in the interest of others as well as its implications on everyone especially the children and grandchildren.
Also you have to consider your own health. At this age, what can you do on your own without a woman in your life? Yes, paid helps can take care of domestic chores, but what about your emotions and other little details only a wife can do best?
Call her irrespective of whatever you think her accumulated sins are. To make the discourse fruitful, suppress whatever anger or disappointment you feel towards her. Like you rightly said, we get to a stage in life when things that were so important assume less significance. She may not have done the surgery for the sake of other men, but to get you to notice her after years of aching for it. By giving her the opportunity to pour out her heart, you make it easier for the both of you to subject your life together to proper scrutiny. Every marriage needs this kind of examination to help heal it from the effects of abuse we unwittingly subject our unions to. Many issues that come up in marriages are from taking each other for granted.
A lot of couples assume that once the dotted lines are signed, the marriage can run itself to success. Unless the same efforts, devotion, interest, love, respect and attention are invested in making a marriage work, it soon runs into problem of rust.
This kind of talk will also help you realise how you contributed to the problems you now blame her for. Importantly, it will help both of you realise in explicit terms the direction of the marriage.
There is nothing that heals a bad marriage like a frank talk. At this point, don’t hide anything from her, including the bit about her extra marital affairs. It is only after this kind of talk that you can make the right kind of decision, because your perspective becomes clearer and more profound.
If at the end of the day, there is something to salvage, don’t hesitate to give your marriage another chance. Like you admitted there is nothing strange any more about life that you haven’t seen.
It isn’t just women who hurt the ones they love. It is a human thing. We tend to take those we love so much for granted, that at the end of the day we end up hurting them unknowingly that we do those we are not so closed to.
The average woman lives for her children and husband. She therefore goes into frenzy when the man in the centre of her life ignores her. This is why you have to be sure of the motive of your wife before condemning her.
God will touch you both where you each need Him the most.
Good luck.
Can’t he do without extramarital deals?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My husband is having an affair. How do I stop him?
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,
It isn’t every time a man goes outside his home for an affair that he is to blame. In some cases, the wife at home unwittingly aids another woman to get the attention of her husband.
Admittedly some men are chronic womanisers, but a lot of these aches can be minimised by the amount of efforts the wife puts into making her home very comfortable for the man.
First you must work on your person and home before attempting to tackle the issue of the other woman in your husband’s life.
Although you didn’t say for how long you have been married, but a lot of women make the mistake of forgetting that men are not restricted by marriage from looking outside their homes as women are.
This is why every married woman must from time to time make every effort to ensure her husband’s reason for marrying her remains fresh. The moment a woman allows herself to be distracted from her reason for being a wife to her husband, she leaves her flanks opened for invasion by another woman.
Therefore, before you battle your husband, how would you grade yourself as a woman in his life? Do you still excite him as you did before you tied the knots? Are you still sensual, taking special care of yourself in terms of your clothes and personal appearance? Do you still make his heartbeat by your choice of clothes, hairdo as well as all those extra bits that make you a woman? Can he still show you off with pride with the arrogance of a man who knows he has one of the most special women by his side? Can you still remember what you looked like when you were still dating? Can you recognise that woman in your current form?
Were you to assess yourself through the eyes of your husband and give an honest answer, how would you rate yourself? Honestly, once you are determined to be truthful to yourself, you will begin to understand some of the things that are wrong with your marriage, and more importantly, his reasons for drifting. Although not an excuse, but more often than not when the mind is desirous of something, it needs just a little bit of help from a potential source to make it happen.
The joy of every man is to have a woman he can put on display at all times. Even though many men make the show of not wanting their wives to dress in a particular way, the irony of life is, that same dress they don’t want on their wives, is the same one they appreciate in other women.
Take time out to think of those things he particularly liked about you, complimented you for when he was still trying to engage your interest in him. Make the attempt to recover those things. It will help re-engineer his interest in you, bring him back to you without fighting the other woman or him for that matter.
Your performance as his woman may be just right, but as a wife, how would you score yourself? How well do you understand the needs of the man you call your husband? This is often the reason some men give for going into other relationships. When a man doesn’t get the kind of attention from his wife, feels displaced by children or make to feel like an intruder in the life of his wife, he goes in search for the woman who would shower all her attention on him. Unfortunately, the woman outside knows this, hence puts in the time the woman at home cannot deposit in her marriage. She also invests the extra energy as well as innovations into everything she does for her man-friend to make her the better choice for him.
When a married woman finds herself in the kind of position you have found yourself, her best weapon to win her man over is to behave like the mistress. Fighting won’t stop both man and woman from continuing with their affair. As a matter of fact, it has the potentials of complicating things for her. Instead, she should create time and purpose for her home. Like the mistress, she should use her money and time effectively. This is precisely what you should do to get your man back.
There is the need for you to do a little bit of investigation on your rival. Get people to give you information about her; this way you will know how to marshal your plans. Having information will give you an idea into her person. This way, you will be better guided in how you can neutralise her powers over your husband, not by fighting her, but knowing where to channel your energy in the quest to getting your husband back.
From experience, there is always something to learn from the other woman. It could just be a simple matter of her temperament or attitude. Definitely, there is something the other woman always has which the woman at home lacks. This is what a wise woman looks for instead of picking a needless fight with her husband’s mistress.
Allow that woman to be your mirror of reform. You need her to win your husband over. There is always a blessing behind every disappointment. I know you are in pains of betrayal by your husband, but only a well thought out wisdom filled package can replace that pain with joy.
If you are the kind that nags, is not so particular about his food or home, has little time to discuss or listen to him, it is important you change. Befriend him all over again, ask him questions about his work, interest and health. Generate discussion about anything you know interests him, if possible key yourself into that hobby he cannot do without, just to make yourself relevant to him all over again.
You have to get through to him first before trying to change him or stop him from doing what he is currently engaged in. It is more a battle for his conscience.
By making yourself appear completely at his beck and call, you increasingly make it difficult for the other woman to have nothing to hold on to. If you have children, let them go and stay with a friend or relative for the weekend if you cannot afford to take your husband out. Ensure such a weekend is filled with ideas of how to re-invent your marriage. Woo him with your body, mind and soul. Bear in mind that your mission is to recover your marriage hence every hurt and pains you feel, knowing out there is another woman in his life, should be crushed. As long as you are determined that no woman is worth you giving up your husband and home for, you will at the end of the day smile.
It is only after you have done all these, won him over that you can bring up the issue of the other woman. By the time you are discussing her with him, she would have long become history in his life. So the tension often associated with confronting an unfaithful husband wouldn’t be there. You will both be discussing the issue as friends, who are determined to cherish what they have found irrespective of what life throws at them.
In addition, make all the efforts to become his best friend. The good thing about being friends with your spouse is the open door of communication it offers to you as the wife. When a woman is her husband’s best friend, she enjoys a special place, her position as wife doesn’t offer her in her husband’s life. As a friend, the husband will tell her things he would never dare share with his wife. It takes both the grace of God and a deliberate effort on the part of the woman to be her husband’s best friend. No matter what this man does to you, refuse to be irritated instead, ask for the grace of God to defeat the problem.
Once your husband begins to notice changes in you behaviour, he will come back home to you. Every marriage must go through certain challenges to build its character. The different results we get during our time of trials are the issues we play up as well as our reactions while the situation persists.
Bath him with love and attention more than you ordinarily would. You need to now more than ever before because only love has the power to buy back a man who has found comfort in the arms of another woman. Any little mistake on your part is capable of making him stay in his new comfort zone forever. So be careful you don’t give in to your natural urge to be confrontational.
Above all, learn to pray and be mindful of who you discuss your home with. God remains man’s best friend.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is having an affair. How do I stop him?
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,
It isn’t every time a man goes outside his home for an affair that he is to blame. In some cases, the wife at home unwittingly aids another woman to get the attention of her husband.
Admittedly some men are chronic womanisers, but a lot of these aches can be minimised by the amount of efforts the wife puts into making her home very comfortable for the man.
First you must work on your person and home before attempting to tackle the issue of the other woman in your husband’s life.
Although you didn’t say for how long you have been married, but a lot of women make the mistake of forgetting that men are not restricted by marriage from looking outside their homes as women are.
This is why every married woman must from time to time make every effort to ensure her husband’s reason for marrying her remains fresh. The moment a woman allows herself to be distracted from her reason for being a wife to her husband, she leaves her flanks opened for invasion by another woman.
Therefore, before you battle your husband, how would you grade yourself as a woman in his life? Do you still excite him as you did before you tied the knots? Are you still sensual, taking special care of yourself in terms of your clothes and personal appearance? Do you still make his heartbeat by your choice of clothes, hairdo as well as all those extra bits that make you a woman? Can he still show you off with pride with the arrogance of a man who knows he has one of the most special women by his side? Can you still remember what you looked like when you were still dating? Can you recognise that woman in your current form?
Were you to assess yourself through the eyes of your husband and give an honest answer, how would you rate yourself? Honestly, once you are determined to be truthful to yourself, you will begin to understand some of the things that are wrong with your marriage, and more importantly, his reasons for drifting. Although not an excuse, but more often than not when the mind is desirous of something, it needs just a little bit of help from a potential source to make it happen.
The joy of every man is to have a woman he can put on display at all times. Even though many men make the show of not wanting their wives to dress in a particular way, the irony of life is, that same dress they don’t want on their wives, is the same one they appreciate in other women.
Take time out to think of those things he particularly liked about you, complimented you for when he was still trying to engage your interest in him. Make the attempt to recover those things. It will help re-engineer his interest in you, bring him back to you without fighting the other woman or him for that matter.
Your performance as his woman may be just right, but as a wife, how would you score yourself? How well do you understand the needs of the man you call your husband? This is often the reason some men give for going into other relationships. When a man doesn’t get the kind of attention from his wife, feels displaced by children or make to feel like an intruder in the life of his wife, he goes in search for the woman who would shower all her attention on him. Unfortunately, the woman outside knows this, hence puts in the time the woman at home cannot deposit in her marriage. She also invests the extra energy as well as innovations into everything she does for her man-friend to make her the better choice for him.
When a married woman finds herself in the kind of position you have found yourself, her best weapon to win her man over is to behave like the mistress. Fighting won’t stop both man and woman from continuing with their affair. As a matter of fact, it has the potentials of complicating things for her. Instead, she should create time and purpose for her home. Like the mistress, she should use her money and time effectively. This is precisely what you should do to get your man back.
There is the need for you to do a little bit of investigation on your rival. Get people to give you information about her; this way you will know how to marshal your plans. Having information will give you an idea into her person. This way, you will be better guided in how you can neutralise her powers over your husband, not by fighting her, but knowing where to channel your energy in the quest to getting your husband back.
From experience, there is always something to learn from the other woman. It could just be a simple matter of her temperament or attitude. Definitely, there is something the other woman always has which the woman at home lacks. This is what a wise woman looks for instead of picking a needless fight with her husband’s mistress.
Allow that woman to be your mirror of reform. You need her to win your husband over. There is always a blessing behind every disappointment. I know you are in pains of betrayal by your husband, but only a well thought out wisdom filled package can replace that pain with joy.
If you are the kind that nags, is not so particular about his food or home, has little time to discuss or listen to him, it is important you change. Befriend him all over again, ask him questions about his work, interest and health. Generate discussion about anything you know interests him, if possible key yourself into that hobby he cannot do without, just to make yourself relevant to him all over again.
You have to get through to him first before trying to change him or stop him from doing what he is currently engaged in. It is more a battle for his conscience.
By making yourself appear completely at his beck and call, you increasingly make it difficult for the other woman to have nothing to hold on to. If you have children, let them go and stay with a friend or relative for the weekend if you cannot afford to take your husband out. Ensure such a weekend is filled with ideas of how to re-invent your marriage. Woo him with your body, mind and soul. Bear in mind that your mission is to recover your marriage hence every hurt and pains you feel, knowing out there is another woman in his life, should be crushed. As long as you are determined that no woman is worth you giving up your husband and home for, you will at the end of the day smile.
It is only after you have done all these, won him over that you can bring up the issue of the other woman. By the time you are discussing her with him, she would have long become history in his life. So the tension often associated with confronting an unfaithful husband wouldn’t be there. You will both be discussing the issue as friends, who are determined to cherish what they have found irrespective of what life throws at them.
In addition, make all the efforts to become his best friend. The good thing about being friends with your spouse is the open door of communication it offers to you as the wife. When a woman is her husband’s best friend, she enjoys a special place, her position as wife doesn’t offer her in her husband’s life. As a friend, the husband will tell her things he would never dare share with his wife. It takes both the grace of God and a deliberate effort on the part of the woman to be her husband’s best friend. No matter what this man does to you, refuse to be irritated instead, ask for the grace of God to defeat the problem.
Once your husband begins to notice changes in you behaviour, he will come back home to you. Every marriage must go through certain challenges to build its character. The different results we get during our time of trials are the issues we play up as well as our reactions while the situation persists.
Bath him with love and attention more than you ordinarily would. You need to now more than ever before because only love has the power to buy back a man who has found comfort in the arms of another woman. Any little mistake on your part is capable of making him stay in his new comfort zone forever. So be careful you don’t give in to your natural urge to be confrontational.
Above all, learn to pray and be mindful of who you discuss your home with. God remains man’s best friend.
Good luck.
Her penchant for costly lifestyle may end the union…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am one of those affected by the Sanusi banking reforms. I lost my bank job three years ago. I was however given a tidy sum as gratuity, which I quickly invested in the completion of our property and fishery business.
By the grace of God, the business is thriving, which means I am able to meet my obligations to my family. However, certain things like
annual holidays abroad, changing of cars, and attending expensive parties with their attendant uniform (••••aso ebi••, as Yoruba people call it) buying are out of my budget.
To get the cooperation of everybody at home, I called a family meeting
when the money was paid into my account. My children, three of them are all in private and expensive schools in the country. The reason I called them was for them to appreciate my current financial constraints.
They all agreed with me when I mentioned my decision to complete the construction of our home at Magboro, along Lagos Ibadan Expressway. My children were very understanding and promised not to make unnecessary demands on me.
True to their words, they hardly make any. They have been very supportive, always asking after my business and finding ways of helping me grow it. As a matter of fact, my son and daughter spent their holidays in a fish farm to acquire the skill and knowledge to grow better breeds. I was touched by their decision because they didn’t ask me for money for the training, rather they saved their pockets money to fund it.
You can therefore imagine my pains, disappointment and wonder at the attitude of their mother who determined to make my life a living hell.
My wife, who should be my backbone and partner in life, has refused to adjust lifestyle to allow our new means of survival. She almost didn’t want to relocate from Victoria
Island, where we were living to our house. She said it was too remote and too far from all her friends.
It wasn’t until the children and I threatened to leave her in the house that she agreed to come with us.
She expects me to use the money I made from my business to finance her parties, ‘aso ebi’ (uniform), outings and holidays abroad. My attempts to make her see reasons saw her packing out of the house to stay with one of her friends, who since I knew her has always laid claims to a husband who stays abroad. Although I have met her in the company of other men, I pretend not to know the kind of job she does.
I have severally tried to warn my wife to stay away from her, but she won’t listen. This is the woman she is now having as best friends.
The children too have tried to appeal to her to bear with me, but everyday my wife is changing for the worse. Although she agreed to come home last week but I suspect that it is only for a while that she has already made up her mind about the marriage.
I came to this conclusion when she told me that there was no way she could change her lifestyle to make me happy, that going to parties is part of her life.
I tried to get her mother to intervene but the mother too is obstinate. She said it was selfish and unreasonable for me to think her daughter would feel comfortable living where my house is when she has lived all her life as Shitta woman, the heart of Surulere. She said, I should sell my house and get myself a comfortable place on the Island. She also complained that I haven’t bought her any new clothes or trinkets since I left the bank. Like my wife, she said her car too needed a replacement. Admitted, I haven’t been able to meet all the obligations I hitherto oblige her because I am growing my business. I am still using my old cars and they are working well.
I dare not tell my parents who never liked her and her lifestyle from the very day I married her. My parents are of the opinion that she is responsible for my lack of marked progress despite the years I spent in the bank and with the position I got to before I was asked to go.
One of the conditions she is giving is that I should buy her a new car.
Agatha, I am fed up. But for my friend who insisted years back I buy the three plots of land that now houses my home and business, I am not sure I would have left the bank with anything tangible.
Our marriage is 17 years old. I am too confused to think straight.
Gbenga.
Dear Gbenga,
Calm down to avoid courting a health problem that might leave you with expensive medical bills.
There is nothing strange under the sun. The worst that can happen is her walking out of the marriage. If this happens, you won’t be the first man to lose his wife to a better social life or the last. One of you has to think of the welfare of the children. You are lucky the children are understanding and are ready to give you all the support to succeed in your new life. You owe it to these wonderful children to make something positive out of the situation you have found yourself.
There is always a calm after every storm. At this juncture, just thank
God that you have this place to begin life all over again. If you care to look around you, not everybody who left the bank with you has your fall back plan. Some have only their memories of once-upon-a time to live on.
Allow your wife and her mother to make their choice. If your wife thinks your current lifestyle is one she cannot bring herself to conform to grant her the freedom to try someone else. It appears that her mind is made up. Frankly, there is nothing you say or do now that will make her change her mind especially as she has the backing of her mother. It would have been a different kettle of fish if she lacked
the support of her mother. It would have been easy for you to win her back if she were alone in her desires.
It is obvious that your mother-in-law rather than your wife’s friends
is the real problem here. Your wife is who she is because her mother has made her so and is still influencing her to be the daughter she groomed. It isn’t something that started today. Right from the day, you married your wife, your mother-in-law her been in charge of your home through her daughter. It would be hard for you to make your wife see reasons with a mother like that. There is no way she would ever change to support you in the way a wife should. Even if she wanted to, her mother will never allow her have the peace of mind to.
Sincerely, you caused it. If you hadn’t indulged them all these years, her mother won’t be making these demands on you. The time has come for you to act as a man; make it clear to your wife that you have had
enough of having her mother dictate to you how you spend your money.
Make her realize she has a choice to come back home to help you give them all a good life within your means or cave in to the pressures of her mother.
It is very unfortunate, but to try to force her to stay with you is to
end up with a very miserable home. She has made it as clear to you as
possible that her reasons for marrying you aren’t the same with yours.
She wants the bright and colourful side of life which only your
banking job can finance.
But to leave you blameless, ask her, which is important to her, the welfare of the children whose future will be affected if you pull out the kind of money required to buy a new car from your business or her mad desire to be at par with her circle of friends? This is to ensure
you are clear about her demands as well as have something to refer her back to when that time comes in the future when she realizes her mistake.
When things get to this point in a marriage, it is always best to be realistic. If she wants to continue, let her know it won’t be on her terms. That even if you have the money to buy a new car, you would rather invest in growing your business until it can run itself.
Don’t be afraid to make your stance known to your mother-in-law and
wife. Be rest assured that whatever will be will be. Turn more to God for His help and assistance to make things happen in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am one of those affected by the Sanusi banking reforms. I lost my bank job three years ago. I was however given a tidy sum as gratuity, which I quickly invested in the completion of our property and fishery business.
By the grace of God, the business is thriving, which means I am able to meet my obligations to my family. However, certain things like
annual holidays abroad, changing of cars, and attending expensive parties with their attendant uniform (••••aso ebi••, as Yoruba people call it) buying are out of my budget.
To get the cooperation of everybody at home, I called a family meeting
when the money was paid into my account. My children, three of them are all in private and expensive schools in the country. The reason I called them was for them to appreciate my current financial constraints.
They all agreed with me when I mentioned my decision to complete the construction of our home at Magboro, along Lagos Ibadan Expressway. My children were very understanding and promised not to make unnecessary demands on me.
True to their words, they hardly make any. They have been very supportive, always asking after my business and finding ways of helping me grow it. As a matter of fact, my son and daughter spent their holidays in a fish farm to acquire the skill and knowledge to grow better breeds. I was touched by their decision because they didn’t ask me for money for the training, rather they saved their pockets money to fund it.
You can therefore imagine my pains, disappointment and wonder at the attitude of their mother who determined to make my life a living hell.
My wife, who should be my backbone and partner in life, has refused to adjust lifestyle to allow our new means of survival. She almost didn’t want to relocate from Victoria
Island, where we were living to our house. She said it was too remote and too far from all her friends.
It wasn’t until the children and I threatened to leave her in the house that she agreed to come with us.
She expects me to use the money I made from my business to finance her parties, ‘aso ebi’ (uniform), outings and holidays abroad. My attempts to make her see reasons saw her packing out of the house to stay with one of her friends, who since I knew her has always laid claims to a husband who stays abroad. Although I have met her in the company of other men, I pretend not to know the kind of job she does.
I have severally tried to warn my wife to stay away from her, but she won’t listen. This is the woman she is now having as best friends.
The children too have tried to appeal to her to bear with me, but everyday my wife is changing for the worse. Although she agreed to come home last week but I suspect that it is only for a while that she has already made up her mind about the marriage.
I came to this conclusion when she told me that there was no way she could change her lifestyle to make me happy, that going to parties is part of her life.
I tried to get her mother to intervene but the mother too is obstinate. She said it was selfish and unreasonable for me to think her daughter would feel comfortable living where my house is when she has lived all her life as Shitta woman, the heart of Surulere. She said, I should sell my house and get myself a comfortable place on the Island. She also complained that I haven’t bought her any new clothes or trinkets since I left the bank. Like my wife, she said her car too needed a replacement. Admitted, I haven’t been able to meet all the obligations I hitherto oblige her because I am growing my business. I am still using my old cars and they are working well.
I dare not tell my parents who never liked her and her lifestyle from the very day I married her. My parents are of the opinion that she is responsible for my lack of marked progress despite the years I spent in the bank and with the position I got to before I was asked to go.
One of the conditions she is giving is that I should buy her a new car.
Agatha, I am fed up. But for my friend who insisted years back I buy the three plots of land that now houses my home and business, I am not sure I would have left the bank with anything tangible.
Our marriage is 17 years old. I am too confused to think straight.
Gbenga.
Dear Gbenga,
Calm down to avoid courting a health problem that might leave you with expensive medical bills.
There is nothing strange under the sun. The worst that can happen is her walking out of the marriage. If this happens, you won’t be the first man to lose his wife to a better social life or the last. One of you has to think of the welfare of the children. You are lucky the children are understanding and are ready to give you all the support to succeed in your new life. You owe it to these wonderful children to make something positive out of the situation you have found yourself.
There is always a calm after every storm. At this juncture, just thank
God that you have this place to begin life all over again. If you care to look around you, not everybody who left the bank with you has your fall back plan. Some have only their memories of once-upon-a time to live on.
Allow your wife and her mother to make their choice. If your wife thinks your current lifestyle is one she cannot bring herself to conform to grant her the freedom to try someone else. It appears that her mind is made up. Frankly, there is nothing you say or do now that will make her change her mind especially as she has the backing of her mother. It would have been a different kettle of fish if she lacked
the support of her mother. It would have been easy for you to win her back if she were alone in her desires.
It is obvious that your mother-in-law rather than your wife’s friends
is the real problem here. Your wife is who she is because her mother has made her so and is still influencing her to be the daughter she groomed. It isn’t something that started today. Right from the day, you married your wife, your mother-in-law her been in charge of your home through her daughter. It would be hard for you to make your wife see reasons with a mother like that. There is no way she would ever change to support you in the way a wife should. Even if she wanted to, her mother will never allow her have the peace of mind to.
Sincerely, you caused it. If you hadn’t indulged them all these years, her mother won’t be making these demands on you. The time has come for you to act as a man; make it clear to your wife that you have had
enough of having her mother dictate to you how you spend your money.
Make her realize she has a choice to come back home to help you give them all a good life within your means or cave in to the pressures of her mother.
It is very unfortunate, but to try to force her to stay with you is to
end up with a very miserable home. She has made it as clear to you as
possible that her reasons for marrying you aren’t the same with yours.
She wants the bright and colourful side of life which only your
banking job can finance.
But to leave you blameless, ask her, which is important to her, the welfare of the children whose future will be affected if you pull out the kind of money required to buy a new car from your business or her mad desire to be at par with her circle of friends? This is to ensure
you are clear about her demands as well as have something to refer her back to when that time comes in the future when she realizes her mistake.
When things get to this point in a marriage, it is always best to be realistic. If she wants to continue, let her know it won’t be on her terms. That even if you have the money to buy a new car, you would rather invest in growing your business until it can run itself.
Don’t be afraid to make your stance known to your mother-in-law and
wife. Be rest assured that whatever will be will be. Turn more to God for His help and assistance to make things happen in your life.
Good luck.
Rejecting my hubby’s idea of adoption, my undoing
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 48 years old while my husband is going to be 55 next month. We have been married for almost 20 years without a child. There is nothing we have not done to have one.
Despite all the assurances that there is nothing wrong with either of us medically, we still don’t have a child to show for our union.
About 10 years ago, my husband begged me to allow us adopt a child, but I refused. I was bitter and very angry because in my mind, I thought it meant he had given up on my ability to have a child. I was also concerned that it would mean I was the one with the problem so I rejected the idea.
Two years after that, he also made attempts to bring in his late brother’s only child and son who is nine years, whose parents died in an accident, I also refused. After that, he didn’t attempt it again.
Deep down I was determined he won’t make a mockery of me. So I resisted every move he made to adopt or bring a child home.
Recently, my monthly flow stopped suddenly. When I told the doctor, he said it was normal but that we should observe it for sometime before any test can be carried out. In addition, I started experiencing this irritating hotness inside of me. I became very uncomfortable as the heat coming from inside of me became worse. No matter how effective the air conditioner is, I would still break out in sweat beads.
By the time I went back to the doctor, it was obvious I was experiencing all the signs of menopause. I was sad because it meant I wouldn’t be able to have a child.
When I told my husband what the doctor said, he didn’t say anything beyond it being a natural thing.
Three months after, I approached him to discuss the issue of our adopting a child; but to my surprise he told me he was no longer interested. He said at the time he wanted it, I didn’t show any interest.
Four weeks after that discussion, his elder sister came to the house with two little children she introduced as belonging to my husband. From their ages, I guessed they were less than six years old.
Looking back, I noticed, it was about the same time my husband’s family stopped harassing me for a child.
When I confronted him about the children, he didn’t bother to deny it instead, he said I was to blame. That had I agreed to his suggestion to adopt or allow the only child of his late brother come to live with us, he would have stood by me all the way.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, my husband and his family want the mother of his children to move in with us.
I feel used and dumped by my in-laws. Although I have briefed my lawyers about the move by my in-laws, I want your opinion on how best to handle this matter. There is no way I would allow another woman into the house I supported my husband to build simply because I don’t have a child. Is it my fault that I cannot have a child?
Furthermore, I intend asking the courts to insist on a DNA for the children because I don’t think they are my husband’s. If I haven’t been able to conceive for him all these years, how come he is able to father children from another woman?
Iyinu.
Dear Iyinu,
Since he is fit just as you are medically there is nothing stopping him getting another woman pregnant. The problem may just be with the two of you as a couple. Sometimes, nature takes a decision, which no one can explain.
Therefore, your intention to begin a legal battle against the paternity of his children would be needless, a pure exercise in futility. At any rate, your husband who should be the one querying the paternity of the children is sure he is their father. On what basis do you want to go to court? Even if you have all the legal grounds in the world to do so, if your husband comes to court to oppose you and to insist that he knows the children are not his biologically but, decided to adopt them when you refused him the joy of adoption, what are you going to do?
Whether you like it or not, these children are a reality you must learn to accept if you intend continuing with this marriage.
Children are the circle of life. Without them, no adult is ever complete. Your husband, unlike most men, offered you the chance to become a mother by suggesting adoption, which you turned down. Destiny offered you another chance when it provided you the chance of looking after the son of your late brother-in-law who died with his wife in an accident.
Even if you didn’t want to adopt a stranger, what stopped you from agreeing to take this child into your home and live? Even if you had children of your own, the welfare of this child should be your business. God was looking for ways to bless you but you threw your chances away.
There is no way you would have looked after this boy or an abandoned child without God showing you mercy. Your coldness at the rejection of his orphaned nephew must have made your husband to think twice. Ordinarily, as the woman, you should have been the one insisting the boy comes to stay with you.
If you lacked the motherly love to offer an orphan, with what love would you look after your own? Therefore, if you go to court to contest the paternity of your stepchildren, you will only be confirming the fears of your husband about you. No normal woman, no matter how bitter against the world, rejects a needy child.
That you were capable of looking the other way when this child became an orphan underscores your lack of maternal feelings whatsoever.
The fact that you haven’t been able to have your own child doesn’t mean you cannot be happy and fulfilled as a woman. All you have to do is open your heart and allow the sensation of love in.
Given your account, you left your husband with no choice but to do what he did. It would have been a different matter if he didn’t make any attempt to provide you both with an alternative to the challenge you were having in your marriage.
You were too blinded by your resolve not to be potrayed as the one with the fault; you completely ignored his needs and wishes too. By refusing to factor him into your plans, you left your home opened to another woman.
If there is anyone to be blamed for this whole mess, you are. You were selfish, unreasonable and blinded by your own challenges to care about the man whose life too was also involved.
You acted as if you were the only one in the marriage. You forgot marriage is a partnership, one that requires compromises, selflessness, compassion and understanding to nurture. Your husband was crying for help and understanding but you refused to listen to him.
Sincerely, you will end up destroying whatever little chance you have with your husband if you take any legal step.
What you should do is to sit him down for a discussion. No matter how bad a situation appears to be, it can always be redeemed once there is sincerity of purpose.
You can still change his mind about bringing the other woman into the same house as you. All it takes is a complete change of attitude by you. Be happy for him, open your heart to the children. Apologise for the mistakes you made in the past and ask for his support to have a child of your own through adoption. If you can, try to see how you can make peace with his nephew by bringing him home. No matter how hostile your in-laws are, there will be one person who has a soft spot for you. Approach that person for help.
What your husband needs is to see a change in your attitude to trust you again. You have hurt him too much. Be part of his life, dreams and happiness. It isn’t too much to give a man you have spent 20 years of your life with.
In addition, don’t be far away from God.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 48 years old while my husband is going to be 55 next month. We have been married for almost 20 years without a child. There is nothing we have not done to have one.
Despite all the assurances that there is nothing wrong with either of us medically, we still don’t have a child to show for our union.
About 10 years ago, my husband begged me to allow us adopt a child, but I refused. I was bitter and very angry because in my mind, I thought it meant he had given up on my ability to have a child. I was also concerned that it would mean I was the one with the problem so I rejected the idea.
Two years after that, he also made attempts to bring in his late brother’s only child and son who is nine years, whose parents died in an accident, I also refused. After that, he didn’t attempt it again.
Deep down I was determined he won’t make a mockery of me. So I resisted every move he made to adopt or bring a child home.
Recently, my monthly flow stopped suddenly. When I told the doctor, he said it was normal but that we should observe it for sometime before any test can be carried out. In addition, I started experiencing this irritating hotness inside of me. I became very uncomfortable as the heat coming from inside of me became worse. No matter how effective the air conditioner is, I would still break out in sweat beads.
By the time I went back to the doctor, it was obvious I was experiencing all the signs of menopause. I was sad because it meant I wouldn’t be able to have a child.
When I told my husband what the doctor said, he didn’t say anything beyond it being a natural thing.
Three months after, I approached him to discuss the issue of our adopting a child; but to my surprise he told me he was no longer interested. He said at the time he wanted it, I didn’t show any interest.
Four weeks after that discussion, his elder sister came to the house with two little children she introduced as belonging to my husband. From their ages, I guessed they were less than six years old.
Looking back, I noticed, it was about the same time my husband’s family stopped harassing me for a child.
When I confronted him about the children, he didn’t bother to deny it instead, he said I was to blame. That had I agreed to his suggestion to adopt or allow the only child of his late brother come to live with us, he would have stood by me all the way.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, my husband and his family want the mother of his children to move in with us.
I feel used and dumped by my in-laws. Although I have briefed my lawyers about the move by my in-laws, I want your opinion on how best to handle this matter. There is no way I would allow another woman into the house I supported my husband to build simply because I don’t have a child. Is it my fault that I cannot have a child?
Furthermore, I intend asking the courts to insist on a DNA for the children because I don’t think they are my husband’s. If I haven’t been able to conceive for him all these years, how come he is able to father children from another woman?
Iyinu.
Dear Iyinu,
Since he is fit just as you are medically there is nothing stopping him getting another woman pregnant. The problem may just be with the two of you as a couple. Sometimes, nature takes a decision, which no one can explain.
Therefore, your intention to begin a legal battle against the paternity of his children would be needless, a pure exercise in futility. At any rate, your husband who should be the one querying the paternity of the children is sure he is their father. On what basis do you want to go to court? Even if you have all the legal grounds in the world to do so, if your husband comes to court to oppose you and to insist that he knows the children are not his biologically but, decided to adopt them when you refused him the joy of adoption, what are you going to do?
Whether you like it or not, these children are a reality you must learn to accept if you intend continuing with this marriage.
Children are the circle of life. Without them, no adult is ever complete. Your husband, unlike most men, offered you the chance to become a mother by suggesting adoption, which you turned down. Destiny offered you another chance when it provided you the chance of looking after the son of your late brother-in-law who died with his wife in an accident.
Even if you didn’t want to adopt a stranger, what stopped you from agreeing to take this child into your home and live? Even if you had children of your own, the welfare of this child should be your business. God was looking for ways to bless you but you threw your chances away.
There is no way you would have looked after this boy or an abandoned child without God showing you mercy. Your coldness at the rejection of his orphaned nephew must have made your husband to think twice. Ordinarily, as the woman, you should have been the one insisting the boy comes to stay with you.
If you lacked the motherly love to offer an orphan, with what love would you look after your own? Therefore, if you go to court to contest the paternity of your stepchildren, you will only be confirming the fears of your husband about you. No normal woman, no matter how bitter against the world, rejects a needy child.
That you were capable of looking the other way when this child became an orphan underscores your lack of maternal feelings whatsoever.
The fact that you haven’t been able to have your own child doesn’t mean you cannot be happy and fulfilled as a woman. All you have to do is open your heart and allow the sensation of love in.
Given your account, you left your husband with no choice but to do what he did. It would have been a different matter if he didn’t make any attempt to provide you both with an alternative to the challenge you were having in your marriage.
You were too blinded by your resolve not to be potrayed as the one with the fault; you completely ignored his needs and wishes too. By refusing to factor him into your plans, you left your home opened to another woman.
If there is anyone to be blamed for this whole mess, you are. You were selfish, unreasonable and blinded by your own challenges to care about the man whose life too was also involved.
You acted as if you were the only one in the marriage. You forgot marriage is a partnership, one that requires compromises, selflessness, compassion and understanding to nurture. Your husband was crying for help and understanding but you refused to listen to him.
Sincerely, you will end up destroying whatever little chance you have with your husband if you take any legal step.
What you should do is to sit him down for a discussion. No matter how bad a situation appears to be, it can always be redeemed once there is sincerity of purpose.
You can still change his mind about bringing the other woman into the same house as you. All it takes is a complete change of attitude by you. Be happy for him, open your heart to the children. Apologise for the mistakes you made in the past and ask for his support to have a child of your own through adoption. If you can, try to see how you can make peace with his nephew by bringing him home. No matter how hostile your in-laws are, there will be one person who has a soft spot for you. Approach that person for help.
What your husband needs is to see a change in your attitude to trust you again. You have hurt him too much. Be part of his life, dreams and happiness. It isn’t too much to give a man you have spent 20 years of your life with.
In addition, don’t be far away from God.
Good luck.
He attempted suicide after he raped his daughter
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a challening issue on my hands. It has to do with my stepdaughter and my ex-husband.
The mother of my stepdaughter is alive, but she is the kind that has little or no time for her children, the reason her children and I are very close in the first place.
By the time I met and married my ex, she was long gone so I didn’t get to meet her until about two years into my marriage. The day I met her, she came to fight me over what she described as attempts to steal her children from her.
When I came into the house, I discovered that the children were always left on their own. Their father was never around due to his job.
Being the first of over 18 children, I was used to caring for people. So it wasn’t too difficult winning them over. In no time, all three of them became my friends. The only girl and the first child of the family began to take extra efforts in her studies. With the help of the home teacher I got for her, she made her papers after her third attempt.
I didn’t bother her father about her fees and other money she would need to go to school. But I noticed the father wasn’t happy that she was leaving home for school. For days, he was moody, didn’t talk to me at all.
Unfortunately, I left him in our third year together because of his cruel nature. He would beat me at any given opportunity; made me miscarriage of our first baby. By the time I was pregnant the second time, I had no choice but to leave him when he began to beat me again.
Now the issue is, my stepdaughter whose fees I still pay, in addition to her brothers’, came to report that her father raped her when she came home for holidays.
According to her, it happened when he came back drunk and she was in her room. She said, she was too frightened to say anything, as he appeared capable of killing her. She said he kept calling out my name while raping her.
She said, he realised what he had done only after he finished and begged her to forgive him; that it will never happen again. The poor girl is threatening to go to the Police with the story while her father the morning after tried to poison himself. He is still on admission.
What do I do, Agatha? If I allow her to go to the Police, her father would be destroyed completely.
Grace.
Dear Grace,
Doubtless, this is knotty. The first thing to do is evacuate the children from that house. Whatever it will cost you, locate their mother and see if you can get her to see reasons with you. Don’t, for now tell her about the rape issue; allow her daughter make that decision of telling her mother or not.
Peg your argument on the welfare of the children and the need for her as their mother to show more interest in their welfare. Plead with her not to be too far from them even if it won’t be easy for her, to have them stay with her.
Thereafter, go and visit your ex husband in the hospital. Find out what is wrong with him; he obviously needs help. Even if there is no way both of you can come together again as a couple, the fact that you were once married and have a child between the two of you makes it imperative for you to do your best for the family.
Don’t forget that if anything happens to him, you will be left with the responsibility of caring for all the children. As it is, those children regard you more as their mother and father. For this reason, you must bury your own disappointments and pains to help these children have a sense of responsibility to their father.
To achieve this, call your stepdaughter to plead with her to allow the matter be. Tell her why you think the matter should be resolved internally. The fact that the father tried to kill himself after discovering what he did is in itself enough punishment. There is no judgment that would be as great as that.
Without him saying anything, he has already condemned himself; she would only be nailing the final nail on his coffin if she goes to the Police. In the interim, don’t allow her go to her father’s house alone. If she has to see him, find time to go with her.
But, your major work here is prayer. It seems there is a spiritual problem somewhere. You need to pray to be sure but your narration points to the presence of some strange powers determined to destroy this man forever. That power doesn’t want him to ever have a woman in his life or enjoy his children.
The fact that he was calling out your name while raping his daughter shows that he wasn’t in control of his senses. By the time he did, all he wanted to do was die of shame at what he had done.
You won’t be doing yourself and this man any good if you totally blank him out of your mind. He needs you in the same way his children do. there is hope that he can still change. The fact the he was calling out your name shows that he still cares.
After all, he is the father of your child which is perhaps the strongest reason for you to help him. go into prayers and fasting on his behalf. Once God takes charge, whatever power is involved in the destruction of your home will vacate it. Until then, do all you have to do to protect everyone.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a challening issue on my hands. It has to do with my stepdaughter and my ex-husband.
The mother of my stepdaughter is alive, but she is the kind that has little or no time for her children, the reason her children and I are very close in the first place.
By the time I met and married my ex, she was long gone so I didn’t get to meet her until about two years into my marriage. The day I met her, she came to fight me over what she described as attempts to steal her children from her.
When I came into the house, I discovered that the children were always left on their own. Their father was never around due to his job.
Being the first of over 18 children, I was used to caring for people. So it wasn’t too difficult winning them over. In no time, all three of them became my friends. The only girl and the first child of the family began to take extra efforts in her studies. With the help of the home teacher I got for her, she made her papers after her third attempt.
I didn’t bother her father about her fees and other money she would need to go to school. But I noticed the father wasn’t happy that she was leaving home for school. For days, he was moody, didn’t talk to me at all.
Unfortunately, I left him in our third year together because of his cruel nature. He would beat me at any given opportunity; made me miscarriage of our first baby. By the time I was pregnant the second time, I had no choice but to leave him when he began to beat me again.
Now the issue is, my stepdaughter whose fees I still pay, in addition to her brothers’, came to report that her father raped her when she came home for holidays.
According to her, it happened when he came back drunk and she was in her room. She said, she was too frightened to say anything, as he appeared capable of killing her. She said he kept calling out my name while raping her.
She said, he realised what he had done only after he finished and begged her to forgive him; that it will never happen again. The poor girl is threatening to go to the Police with the story while her father the morning after tried to poison himself. He is still on admission.
What do I do, Agatha? If I allow her to go to the Police, her father would be destroyed completely.
Grace.
Dear Grace,
Doubtless, this is knotty. The first thing to do is evacuate the children from that house. Whatever it will cost you, locate their mother and see if you can get her to see reasons with you. Don’t, for now tell her about the rape issue; allow her daughter make that decision of telling her mother or not.
Peg your argument on the welfare of the children and the need for her as their mother to show more interest in their welfare. Plead with her not to be too far from them even if it won’t be easy for her, to have them stay with her.
Thereafter, go and visit your ex husband in the hospital. Find out what is wrong with him; he obviously needs help. Even if there is no way both of you can come together again as a couple, the fact that you were once married and have a child between the two of you makes it imperative for you to do your best for the family.
Don’t forget that if anything happens to him, you will be left with the responsibility of caring for all the children. As it is, those children regard you more as their mother and father. For this reason, you must bury your own disappointments and pains to help these children have a sense of responsibility to their father.
To achieve this, call your stepdaughter to plead with her to allow the matter be. Tell her why you think the matter should be resolved internally. The fact that the father tried to kill himself after discovering what he did is in itself enough punishment. There is no judgment that would be as great as that.
Without him saying anything, he has already condemned himself; she would only be nailing the final nail on his coffin if she goes to the Police. In the interim, don’t allow her go to her father’s house alone. If she has to see him, find time to go with her.
But, your major work here is prayer. It seems there is a spiritual problem somewhere. You need to pray to be sure but your narration points to the presence of some strange powers determined to destroy this man forever. That power doesn’t want him to ever have a woman in his life or enjoy his children.
The fact that he was calling out your name while raping his daughter shows that he wasn’t in control of his senses. By the time he did, all he wanted to do was die of shame at what he had done.
You won’t be doing yourself and this man any good if you totally blank him out of your mind. He needs you in the same way his children do. there is hope that he can still change. The fact the he was calling out your name shows that he still cares.
After all, he is the father of your child which is perhaps the strongest reason for you to help him. go into prayers and fasting on his behalf. Once God takes charge, whatever power is involved in the destruction of your home will vacate it. Until then, do all you have to do to protect everyone.
Good luck.
Re: Met on Facebook, had the wedding, but he’s a cripple
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Going through that story, I wept for the wrong values many of our young men and women are now embracing. It also brought to mind a very personal battle confronting me as a mother.
Two years ago, my eldest daughter came home with this fantastic story of meeting her old boyfriend on line. She told her father and I how wonderful the man was to her while in school; even got her siblings to back up her story.
According to her, he now stays in Germany and her indicated interest in getting married to her. Given her age, I was curious about the marital status of the man. She assured me he was still single and that fate must have kept him for her.
Although something deep within me tried to probe further, she blocked every attempt I made. My curiosity was beginning to irritate her so much so my husband had to warn me to back off. His argument was simple; its her life so if she wants to lie about what isn’t; I should allow her be.
It sounded cold but when I gave it a thought, I submitted to her wish.
She railroaded us into a quick wedding at which the boy’s brother represented him. on the two occasions she allowed me to speak with him, certain things didn’t tally. For instance, he got the school and dates of their purported time together mixed up. Again, I tried as a mother to get her to open up to me, even promising not to confide in her father, still she insisted they had been secondary school lovers.
She left a week after the wedding. I didn’t know what I was expecting or how fast it would happen but barely 24 hours after she left, she called to say she wanted to come back home; that the man she married wasn’t what he claimed he was.
According to her, he was on a wheel chair and that one of his legs was actually amputated. When I asked if the man wasn’t the same person she had known all her life, went to school with, it was then she told she had lied about everything.
That she knew, I won’t allow her marry him if I knew they met three weeks before on the internet. She said, the money he sent her, gifts items and a car he bought her which she sold without telling anybody are the reasons she wanted to marry him at all cost.
Her father who was listening to my side of the conversation, took the phone from me, warned not to contemplate coming back to his house that she should remain in that marriage.
There was nothing my daughter didn’t say to come back but her father and I stood our ground. Today, they have a baby boy and even though she is still not too happy about his disability, is still hopeful that we would support her desire to divorce him but she has come to appreciate his person and mind.
Kosi, you just have to do as Agatha says. Give yourself time to get to know him. At least nobody forced you into making the choice, you did out of greed like my daughter. The least you can do is to find ways of making each other happy.
Like Agatha, pointed out since he is capable of functioning as a man, is caring, what more do you want? For instance, my son-in-law is very caring, taking good care of us; at least, my daughter got her wish of a financially stable man even if she isnt enjoying the marriage as she hoped to.
It is a pity what you young girls play up these days or what you think marriage is all about. Kosi, invest all you have as a woman to make the best of the situation you have created for yourself.
Mrs. Apoyi.
Dear Agatha,
Going through that story, I wept for the wrong values many of our young men and women are now embracing. It also brought to mind a very personal battle confronting me as a mother.
Two years ago, my eldest daughter came home with this fantastic story of meeting her old boyfriend on line. She told her father and I how wonderful the man was to her while in school; even got her siblings to back up her story.
According to her, he now stays in Germany and her indicated interest in getting married to her. Given her age, I was curious about the marital status of the man. She assured me he was still single and that fate must have kept him for her.
Although something deep within me tried to probe further, she blocked every attempt I made. My curiosity was beginning to irritate her so much so my husband had to warn me to back off. His argument was simple; its her life so if she wants to lie about what isn’t; I should allow her be.
It sounded cold but when I gave it a thought, I submitted to her wish.
She railroaded us into a quick wedding at which the boy’s brother represented him. on the two occasions she allowed me to speak with him, certain things didn’t tally. For instance, he got the school and dates of their purported time together mixed up. Again, I tried as a mother to get her to open up to me, even promising not to confide in her father, still she insisted they had been secondary school lovers.
She left a week after the wedding. I didn’t know what I was expecting or how fast it would happen but barely 24 hours after she left, she called to say she wanted to come back home; that the man she married wasn’t what he claimed he was.
According to her, he was on a wheel chair and that one of his legs was actually amputated. When I asked if the man wasn’t the same person she had known all her life, went to school with, it was then she told she had lied about everything.
That she knew, I won’t allow her marry him if I knew they met three weeks before on the internet. She said, the money he sent her, gifts items and a car he bought her which she sold without telling anybody are the reasons she wanted to marry him at all cost.
Her father who was listening to my side of the conversation, took the phone from me, warned not to contemplate coming back to his house that she should remain in that marriage.
There was nothing my daughter didn’t say to come back but her father and I stood our ground. Today, they have a baby boy and even though she is still not too happy about his disability, is still hopeful that we would support her desire to divorce him but she has come to appreciate his person and mind.
Kosi, you just have to do as Agatha says. Give yourself time to get to know him. At least nobody forced you into making the choice, you did out of greed like my daughter. The least you can do is to find ways of making each other happy.
Like Agatha, pointed out since he is capable of functioning as a man, is caring, what more do you want? For instance, my son-in-law is very caring, taking good care of us; at least, my daughter got her wish of a financially stable man even if she isnt enjoying the marriage as she hoped to.
It is a pity what you young girls play up these days or what you think marriage is all about. Kosi, invest all you have as a woman to make the best of the situation you have created for yourself.
Mrs. Apoyi.
He betrayed our vow
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a muslim but when my husband and I were dating, I made him promise I would be his only wife.
Right from my early years, I have vowed never to marry a man who would marry more than a wife. I made this vow as a result of my parents’ experiences. Not for one day, did my mother who is my father’s first wife enjoy her marriage.
It was always one form of quarrel or the other in our house.
Mad jealousy drove mothers and children to the extreme, one that involved native doctors, alfas and spiritualists. After a while, the issue for my mother wasn’t my father marryng a new wife, which was his pastime, rather, it was how to protect her children who were dying mysteriously as well as getting sick.
The deaths of my two eldest brothers aged her over night.
With their deaths, the son of the second wife became the first male of the family; when a third wife came that one also died.
I graduated three years after my mates left school because someone in my father’s house didn’t want me to become a graduate.
One of my siblings is today in a mental home for the same reason.
He happens to be the brightest star among all my father’s children.
If I continue, it may take a life time for me to tell the world how horrible my growing up years were.
For these reasons, I made up my mind not to marry a man who nurses the desire to marry a second wife. Deliberately I went out of my way to befriend only Christian men and would have married one if my father and his brothers didn’t put up a stiff opposition. Being an Iman and his eldest daughter, there was no way, I would dishonour him by marrying outside my faith.
When my current husband came, I explained my entire life to him and my desire to be the only woman in my husband’s life.
He too, a product of a polygamous home, agreed to my terms. In his words, it was the least we could do for our children.
Now almost 10 years into our marriage, blessed with two childen, two boys, he has not only changed his mind about our agreement but has gone ahead to marry a second wife who is already pregnant for him.
His excuse? His father who is also a muslim sholar mandated it for him to marry more than a wife.
When I reminded him of our agreement, he said, he cannot ask the other woman to leave his house or terminate the pregnancy she was carrying.
He promised however not to bring her into the house. She currently lives in a rented apartment but I fear along the line she would get fed up of staying outside her husband’s home.
My parents too are of very little help. My mother said, I should accept it. that it is my destiny.
Agatha, this is one destiny I don’t want. I don’t want to share my husband and home with any other woman.
I don’t want my children going through all those nightmare of a home filled with many mothers and children.
I feel highly betrayed and want an out of this marriage but I don’t have any support from anybody, including my friends who all think I am asking for the impossible in life. They are all preaching peace and tolerance.
I am honestly so confused because of he is caring and loving. Despite taking another wife, he has continued to be fair to me and the children.
The house we currently live in is ours.
To demonstrate his love for the children and I, he not only changed the name on the title deeds to my own but also gave me permission to change the name to my maiden name to give me whatever assurance I need that he would never leave me and the children unprovided for.
Please help me out of this situation because I don’t want to share him with any woman.
Halima.
Dear Halima,
I know you feel bad but. leaving isn’t a solution. unless you are prepared to soldier life on your own as a single mother. If not at one point too, you will end up being the other woman in another man’s life.
No matter how strong willed you are, a time would come when you will find yourself in need of a male company. This is the reality of life, one you would have to think deeply and thoroughly before taking a decision on how you want to proceed.
Besides, whether you leave him or not, your children already have a stepmother who is about to give them a stepsibling. This means,
whatever it is you are trying to prevent has already happened by your husband getting married to this woman. If she is spiritually dangerous, it matters very little whether you live with your husband nor not. She would still make attempts to destroy you and the children if she so desires.
Therefore, your concern now shouldn’t be how to run away from the nightmare of your youth but, how to manage the challenges your current situation presents.
The first place to begin is to revisit your premarital promises to each other.
How realistic was that promise considering the fact that your religion permits polygamy.
Irrespective of whatever promises you made to each other, the fact remains that your religion doesn’t frown at a man marrying more than one wife. This means you have to accept the presence of the other woman in your lives. Besides, the typical
African man is a polygamist by nature. You cannot change the nature of the average man, no matter how hard you try to.
The only thing that changes a man is the fear of God.
Once he makes up his mind not to offend his God, life becomes easier for the woman in his life.
Being a Muslim by birth and practice, he isn’t acting against his religion or the orders of the God he serves. For this reason, you must act with a measure of wisdom here.
Don’t throw away all you have laboured for in the last 10 years. If not for your sake, do it for your children whose legacy and father you will be giving up for another to enjoy.
As long as there is no violence and the woman isn’t staying in the same house as you and your children, stay on. But, good wisdom demands you turn over your life completely to the God you serve. In addition, don’t involve yourself in the affairs of the other woman.
As long as your husband is taking care of you and the children, mind your business.
Don’t allow any third party intervention in the world you have created for you and your children.
When he is with you, treat him with all the respect he deserves as your man. And when he is with the other woman, allow him be.
At this point, you also need to ask yourself an important question.
How perfect have you been as a wife? Granted that religion maybe a factor in his decision to take another wife would be have done if he didn’t have a profound reason to? There is the need for you to X-ray your own behavior as a wife and friend.
It is important you do, to ensure you continue to remain revelant in his life, especially now that there is another woman to match you up with. He may not set out to deliberately compare you with his second wife but it is human nature to hence, your need to improve on your weak points which maybe the real reason he decided to take another wife.
He may not really be able to explain his reasons but the mind has a way of filling in the missing gap when it finds the right answer to issues that have long baffled it.
This maybe the real reason and unless you work on that aspect of your character and person, you risk losing him completely to the other woman.
It isn’t everytime in a polygamous setting that the rival depends on charm to win over the man. Good character, devotion and quality attention given the man can make all the difference to a man who has been thristy for such things in his life.
By being truthful to yourself, you will be saving yourself from a lot of needless headaches.
And to do a good job of this, you have to let go of your disappointments at his betrayal.
Just accept early that he wasn’t meant to be faithful to you.
It will help you recover early as well as help you focus on the things you have to do.
Your parents and friends asking you not ot leave him know that life is a very thorny path.
Nothing is ever as it seems. This is why you must be tolerant, patience and focused.
By being faithful to your God and applying His given wisdom, you can still come to enjoy this marriage as much as you set out to, in the beginning irrespective of the other woman’s presence in his life.
Always remember no woman fights a marital challenge on her own powers.
As long as you give yours over to your God, you will win at the end of it all.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a muslim but when my husband and I were dating, I made him promise I would be his only wife.
Right from my early years, I have vowed never to marry a man who would marry more than a wife. I made this vow as a result of my parents’ experiences. Not for one day, did my mother who is my father’s first wife enjoy her marriage.
It was always one form of quarrel or the other in our house.
Mad jealousy drove mothers and children to the extreme, one that involved native doctors, alfas and spiritualists. After a while, the issue for my mother wasn’t my father marryng a new wife, which was his pastime, rather, it was how to protect her children who were dying mysteriously as well as getting sick.
The deaths of my two eldest brothers aged her over night.
With their deaths, the son of the second wife became the first male of the family; when a third wife came that one also died.
I graduated three years after my mates left school because someone in my father’s house didn’t want me to become a graduate.
One of my siblings is today in a mental home for the same reason.
He happens to be the brightest star among all my father’s children.
If I continue, it may take a life time for me to tell the world how horrible my growing up years were.
For these reasons, I made up my mind not to marry a man who nurses the desire to marry a second wife. Deliberately I went out of my way to befriend only Christian men and would have married one if my father and his brothers didn’t put up a stiff opposition. Being an Iman and his eldest daughter, there was no way, I would dishonour him by marrying outside my faith.
When my current husband came, I explained my entire life to him and my desire to be the only woman in my husband’s life.
He too, a product of a polygamous home, agreed to my terms. In his words, it was the least we could do for our children.
Now almost 10 years into our marriage, blessed with two childen, two boys, he has not only changed his mind about our agreement but has gone ahead to marry a second wife who is already pregnant for him.
His excuse? His father who is also a muslim sholar mandated it for him to marry more than a wife.
When I reminded him of our agreement, he said, he cannot ask the other woman to leave his house or terminate the pregnancy she was carrying.
He promised however not to bring her into the house. She currently lives in a rented apartment but I fear along the line she would get fed up of staying outside her husband’s home.
My parents too are of very little help. My mother said, I should accept it. that it is my destiny.
Agatha, this is one destiny I don’t want. I don’t want to share my husband and home with any other woman.
I don’t want my children going through all those nightmare of a home filled with many mothers and children.
I feel highly betrayed and want an out of this marriage but I don’t have any support from anybody, including my friends who all think I am asking for the impossible in life. They are all preaching peace and tolerance.
I am honestly so confused because of he is caring and loving. Despite taking another wife, he has continued to be fair to me and the children.
The house we currently live in is ours.
To demonstrate his love for the children and I, he not only changed the name on the title deeds to my own but also gave me permission to change the name to my maiden name to give me whatever assurance I need that he would never leave me and the children unprovided for.
Please help me out of this situation because I don’t want to share him with any woman.
Halima.
Dear Halima,
I know you feel bad but. leaving isn’t a solution. unless you are prepared to soldier life on your own as a single mother. If not at one point too, you will end up being the other woman in another man’s life.
No matter how strong willed you are, a time would come when you will find yourself in need of a male company. This is the reality of life, one you would have to think deeply and thoroughly before taking a decision on how you want to proceed.
Besides, whether you leave him or not, your children already have a stepmother who is about to give them a stepsibling. This means,
whatever it is you are trying to prevent has already happened by your husband getting married to this woman. If she is spiritually dangerous, it matters very little whether you live with your husband nor not. She would still make attempts to destroy you and the children if she so desires.
Therefore, your concern now shouldn’t be how to run away from the nightmare of your youth but, how to manage the challenges your current situation presents.
The first place to begin is to revisit your premarital promises to each other.
How realistic was that promise considering the fact that your religion permits polygamy.
Irrespective of whatever promises you made to each other, the fact remains that your religion doesn’t frown at a man marrying more than one wife. This means you have to accept the presence of the other woman in your lives. Besides, the typical
African man is a polygamist by nature. You cannot change the nature of the average man, no matter how hard you try to.
The only thing that changes a man is the fear of God.
Once he makes up his mind not to offend his God, life becomes easier for the woman in his life.
Being a Muslim by birth and practice, he isn’t acting against his religion or the orders of the God he serves. For this reason, you must act with a measure of wisdom here.
Don’t throw away all you have laboured for in the last 10 years. If not for your sake, do it for your children whose legacy and father you will be giving up for another to enjoy.
As long as there is no violence and the woman isn’t staying in the same house as you and your children, stay on. But, good wisdom demands you turn over your life completely to the God you serve. In addition, don’t involve yourself in the affairs of the other woman.
As long as your husband is taking care of you and the children, mind your business.
Don’t allow any third party intervention in the world you have created for you and your children.
When he is with you, treat him with all the respect he deserves as your man. And when he is with the other woman, allow him be.
At this point, you also need to ask yourself an important question.
How perfect have you been as a wife? Granted that religion maybe a factor in his decision to take another wife would be have done if he didn’t have a profound reason to? There is the need for you to X-ray your own behavior as a wife and friend.
It is important you do, to ensure you continue to remain revelant in his life, especially now that there is another woman to match you up with. He may not set out to deliberately compare you with his second wife but it is human nature to hence, your need to improve on your weak points which maybe the real reason he decided to take another wife.
He may not really be able to explain his reasons but the mind has a way of filling in the missing gap when it finds the right answer to issues that have long baffled it.
This maybe the real reason and unless you work on that aspect of your character and person, you risk losing him completely to the other woman.
It isn’t everytime in a polygamous setting that the rival depends on charm to win over the man. Good character, devotion and quality attention given the man can make all the difference to a man who has been thristy for such things in his life.
By being truthful to yourself, you will be saving yourself from a lot of needless headaches.
And to do a good job of this, you have to let go of your disappointments at his betrayal.
Just accept early that he wasn’t meant to be faithful to you.
It will help you recover early as well as help you focus on the things you have to do.
Your parents and friends asking you not ot leave him know that life is a very thorny path.
Nothing is ever as it seems. This is why you must be tolerant, patience and focused.
By being faithful to your God and applying His given wisdom, you can still come to enjoy this marriage as much as you set out to, in the beginning irrespective of the other woman’s presence in his life.
Always remember no woman fights a marital challenge on her own powers.
As long as you give yours over to your God, you will win at the end of it all.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I am lonely after my divorce
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are a shinning star and symbol of love and hope to many especially those of us that read your column. May God continue to bless and protect you and your family.
Agatha, I really need your help to solve this problem which has refused to go away. I left the shores of Nigeria 16 years ago for Switzerland, after writing my West Africa School Certificate examination.
I got married to a white woman few years after I came into this country to enable me secure my resident permit.
I was married to her for 13 years. The marriage produced two children. As the children where growing up, I decided taking them to visit my parents in Nigeria. But my wife opposed my taking them or accompanying me on the visit for that matter. She cited a documentary she watched on TV which claimed that children taken from Europe to African die from Mosquito bites.
Even though I assured her that the children were sufficiently vaccinated and that we would take any other vaccination necessary before traveling to Nigeria, she still refused. It was at that point she told me of an uncle of hers that died during a missionary trip to Nigeria.
I promised to protect her and the children against mosquitos but she refused. And before I knew what was happening, she had gone to file a divorce case against me. She claimed in the affidavit she filed that I intend relocating to Nigeria with the children permanently.
At that point, my interest in the marriage completely died. For the 13 years we were married, I was more of a slave to her. She was in total control of my accounts and salary. For a long time, my friends in Zurich tried to pressure me into filing a case against her domination of me but because I hated confrontations, I declined; thinking that over time things would work out between us. But I was completely wrong. Things got worse. The only thing she did for me was the encouragement she gave me during my University studies. But most of my friends thought she paid for me because of the huge money I was sending home.
We got divorced in December, 2006, despite everything, I still missed not having her around me. My father traveled from Nigeria to Zurich to plead with her but she was afraid that I might take the children to Nigeria. But for God I would have developed a mental problem at that time.
Following the support and advice of my parents, I have tried putting that ugly incident behind me. My parents have since mandated me to look for a good Nigerian woman to marry.
Agatha, you would recall I called you on phone last year November requesting you to pray for me. As an expert on relationships, is there any real woman?
I need a woman who will love me again. Loneliness is a sickness that comes with death if not checked. . I need a true love from any part of Nigeria.
Agatha, I don’t know how you are going to do it, but you have to do it. I need someone with good family moral background. She must not be temperamental. She must be caring and understanding. She must also combine beauty with brains and either a career or a business woman.
Agatha, please tell me, am I asking for too much by setting a standard which may not be easy to meet?
Life experiences have taught me to ask for an independent woman for a relationship. I want a self sufficient woman with good job, who can meet provide for 40 percent of her needs while I provide the remaining 60 percent as the head of the house.
Agatha, will God liberate me from the agony of staying alone without a woman? Can I find true love in Nigeria?
I intend coming back to Nigeria to settle after I must have established my relationship with my missing rib. Nothing destroys man more than a bad marriage.
Agatha, I believe that there are a lot of wife materials in Nigeria but where are they?
I need someone who is truly responsible in all ramifications. I want someone I can trust, who is caring, supportive and also independent enough to run the home when I am away. I don’t need a woman just for the pleasure of her body but for us to share in our dreams.
I want a woman who would be ready to share her inner most mind with me. I am a very peaceful and humble man. I don’t want the consequences of marring a lady who has little or no respect for my feelings.
Agatha, do something for me now. I need your help and advice.
I am 38 years of age from Anambra State and I am 1.78m tall.
Worried Man
Dear Worried Man,
To be very frank with you, in a way, you contributed to your predicament by the choices you made 13 years ago. From your own admission, you didn’t marry this woman out of love rather you married her to circumvent immigration problems. In her shoes, would you ever be able to trust such a person with something as precious as children?
Trust starts from the processes that lead to marriage. even if you didn’t tell her in plain English why you married her, her reactions to your taking the children to Nigeria and her treatment of you, show that she knows you married her out of a selfish reason, to protect your stay in her country.
She didn’t believe you because from the very beginning you never gave her any reason to trust or believe in the bond you both share. As far as this woman is concerned, those children are her only reason for putting up with being used by you to secure a permanent stay.
Bringing your father over to beg only helped to re-enforce her mistrust of the whole situation. To her, it shows desperation by you and your family to trick her into submitting the children to you especially as you seem to have the means of paying your parents’ way to Zurich. Your father’s coming actually nullified your claim that the reason you were contemplating taking the children to Nigeria was to get them introduced to your parents.
Your decision to come for a visit to Nigeria with the children wasn’t the real reason she left you. She did because there was never any trust between the two of you. It was simply a marriage of convenience and in such marriages, bitterness and disappointments are mandatory accomplishments. It also a matter that transcend the colour of her skin, creed and nationality rather it has to do with her entire being, her feelings and self-worth as a human.
If you marry another woman today under the same situation, chances are things would still end up the same way between the two of you. trust is very vital in any relationship.
That you are lonely isn’t enough. You must have a clear idea of what sort of woman would make you extremely happy. You went into the first one for selfish reasons, make sure your reasons for this new one is premised on respect, absolute trust and joint vision.
Your first marriage crashed because you both lacked common interest, dreams and visions. And in your 13 years as a couple, you both didn’t have the common focus to work on. Had both of you made the sacrifice after the wedding to factor into your marriage selflessness and sacrifices, when the issue of taking the children to Nigeria to know their paternal, both of you would have been able to manage it without it breaking up your marriage.
To avoid using your children as prawns or dividing their loyalty to either of you, strive to do the right thing by maintaining a friendly relationship with this woman. It is irrelevant whether or not both of you are still functioning as a couple, what is irrevocable is that you both share a life legacy through these children.
It is never too late to establish trust. Granted, it might not be possible for both of you to come back together, but a lot can be done to ensure you both keep being friends for the sake of those children. However, it won’t hurt if you explore the possibility of reconciliation with her. this is because there is no marriage without challenges. Having spent 13 years with her, to a reasonable extent you can predict her. marrying another woman would involve you starting all over again and it would take quite a while to be able to study the woman as you already do your ex.
Marriage is something you have to involve God. Ensure you first ask God for His permission and direction before going into another marriage. It is absolutely important you involve God in this one if you want to end being happy with your choice. Also insist on the woman who finally agrees to marry you meeting with the children first. There has to be an openness between all concerned if you want to have a happy home. Those children and their mother must be given every assurance that this woman and her children would not come between you and your first set of children. You must also be seen to be fair to all concerned.
No matter how lonely life gets, don’t make the mistake of accepting the first woman that comes. When a mistake recurs twice in one’s life, it becomes a familiar pattern. Take the extra time to study the woman by making out time to be with her. Also make up your mind to stick with her, no matter what you find out about her once you have signed the dotted lines. Enduring marriages come with more patches than smooth edges.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
You are a shinning star and symbol of love and hope to many especially those of us that read your column. May God continue to bless and protect you and your family.
Agatha, I really need your help to solve this problem which has refused to go away. I left the shores of Nigeria 16 years ago for Switzerland, after writing my West Africa School Certificate examination.
I got married to a white woman few years after I came into this country to enable me secure my resident permit.
I was married to her for 13 years. The marriage produced two children. As the children where growing up, I decided taking them to visit my parents in Nigeria. But my wife opposed my taking them or accompanying me on the visit for that matter. She cited a documentary she watched on TV which claimed that children taken from Europe to African die from Mosquito bites.
Even though I assured her that the children were sufficiently vaccinated and that we would take any other vaccination necessary before traveling to Nigeria, she still refused. It was at that point she told me of an uncle of hers that died during a missionary trip to Nigeria.
I promised to protect her and the children against mosquitos but she refused. And before I knew what was happening, she had gone to file a divorce case against me. She claimed in the affidavit she filed that I intend relocating to Nigeria with the children permanently.
At that point, my interest in the marriage completely died. For the 13 years we were married, I was more of a slave to her. She was in total control of my accounts and salary. For a long time, my friends in Zurich tried to pressure me into filing a case against her domination of me but because I hated confrontations, I declined; thinking that over time things would work out between us. But I was completely wrong. Things got worse. The only thing she did for me was the encouragement she gave me during my University studies. But most of my friends thought she paid for me because of the huge money I was sending home.
We got divorced in December, 2006, despite everything, I still missed not having her around me. My father traveled from Nigeria to Zurich to plead with her but she was afraid that I might take the children to Nigeria. But for God I would have developed a mental problem at that time.
Following the support and advice of my parents, I have tried putting that ugly incident behind me. My parents have since mandated me to look for a good Nigerian woman to marry.
Agatha, you would recall I called you on phone last year November requesting you to pray for me. As an expert on relationships, is there any real woman?
I need a woman who will love me again. Loneliness is a sickness that comes with death if not checked. . I need a true love from any part of Nigeria.
Agatha, I don’t know how you are going to do it, but you have to do it. I need someone with good family moral background. She must not be temperamental. She must be caring and understanding. She must also combine beauty with brains and either a career or a business woman.
Agatha, please tell me, am I asking for too much by setting a standard which may not be easy to meet?
Life experiences have taught me to ask for an independent woman for a relationship. I want a self sufficient woman with good job, who can meet provide for 40 percent of her needs while I provide the remaining 60 percent as the head of the house.
Agatha, will God liberate me from the agony of staying alone without a woman? Can I find true love in Nigeria?
I intend coming back to Nigeria to settle after I must have established my relationship with my missing rib. Nothing destroys man more than a bad marriage.
Agatha, I believe that there are a lot of wife materials in Nigeria but where are they?
I need someone who is truly responsible in all ramifications. I want someone I can trust, who is caring, supportive and also independent enough to run the home when I am away. I don’t need a woman just for the pleasure of her body but for us to share in our dreams.
I want a woman who would be ready to share her inner most mind with me. I am a very peaceful and humble man. I don’t want the consequences of marring a lady who has little or no respect for my feelings.
Agatha, do something for me now. I need your help and advice.
I am 38 years of age from Anambra State and I am 1.78m tall.
Worried Man
Dear Worried Man,
To be very frank with you, in a way, you contributed to your predicament by the choices you made 13 years ago. From your own admission, you didn’t marry this woman out of love rather you married her to circumvent immigration problems. In her shoes, would you ever be able to trust such a person with something as precious as children?
Trust starts from the processes that lead to marriage. even if you didn’t tell her in plain English why you married her, her reactions to your taking the children to Nigeria and her treatment of you, show that she knows you married her out of a selfish reason, to protect your stay in her country.
She didn’t believe you because from the very beginning you never gave her any reason to trust or believe in the bond you both share. As far as this woman is concerned, those children are her only reason for putting up with being used by you to secure a permanent stay.
Bringing your father over to beg only helped to re-enforce her mistrust of the whole situation. To her, it shows desperation by you and your family to trick her into submitting the children to you especially as you seem to have the means of paying your parents’ way to Zurich. Your father’s coming actually nullified your claim that the reason you were contemplating taking the children to Nigeria was to get them introduced to your parents.
Your decision to come for a visit to Nigeria with the children wasn’t the real reason she left you. She did because there was never any trust between the two of you. It was simply a marriage of convenience and in such marriages, bitterness and disappointments are mandatory accomplishments. It also a matter that transcend the colour of her skin, creed and nationality rather it has to do with her entire being, her feelings and self-worth as a human.
If you marry another woman today under the same situation, chances are things would still end up the same way between the two of you. trust is very vital in any relationship.
That you are lonely isn’t enough. You must have a clear idea of what sort of woman would make you extremely happy. You went into the first one for selfish reasons, make sure your reasons for this new one is premised on respect, absolute trust and joint vision.
Your first marriage crashed because you both lacked common interest, dreams and visions. And in your 13 years as a couple, you both didn’t have the common focus to work on. Had both of you made the sacrifice after the wedding to factor into your marriage selflessness and sacrifices, when the issue of taking the children to Nigeria to know their paternal, both of you would have been able to manage it without it breaking up your marriage.
To avoid using your children as prawns or dividing their loyalty to either of you, strive to do the right thing by maintaining a friendly relationship with this woman. It is irrelevant whether or not both of you are still functioning as a couple, what is irrevocable is that you both share a life legacy through these children.
It is never too late to establish trust. Granted, it might not be possible for both of you to come back together, but a lot can be done to ensure you both keep being friends for the sake of those children. However, it won’t hurt if you explore the possibility of reconciliation with her. this is because there is no marriage without challenges. Having spent 13 years with her, to a reasonable extent you can predict her. marrying another woman would involve you starting all over again and it would take quite a while to be able to study the woman as you already do your ex.
Marriage is something you have to involve God. Ensure you first ask God for His permission and direction before going into another marriage. It is absolutely important you involve God in this one if you want to end being happy with your choice. Also insist on the woman who finally agrees to marry you meeting with the children first. There has to be an openness between all concerned if you want to have a happy home. Those children and their mother must be given every assurance that this woman and her children would not come between you and your first set of children. You must also be seen to be fair to all concerned.
No matter how lonely life gets, don’t make the mistake of accepting the first woman that comes. When a mistake recurs twice in one’s life, it becomes a familiar pattern. Take the extra time to study the woman by making out time to be with her. Also make up your mind to stick with her, no matter what you find out about her once you have signed the dotted lines. Enduring marriages come with more patches than smooth edges.
Good luck.
I am afraid of our made-by-phone love
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a guy, who is 20 years old. The guy lives in Onitsha. We talk daily on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis, including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do.
Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so that she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.
Confused Teenager.
Dear Confused Teenager,
This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life.
A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item, he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.
Besides, this is the obvious thing: what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him, this could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you, neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So, what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.
And for love to be firmly established; there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate who a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?
What kind of hygiene has he as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know, he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual.
For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly developed the trick of sweet-talking a woman into his bed.
When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened, so be very careful where you go with him.
Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a guy, who is 20 years old. The guy lives in Onitsha. We talk daily on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis, including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do.
Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so that she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.
Confused Teenager.
Dear Confused Teenager,
This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life.
A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item, he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.
Besides, this is the obvious thing: what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him, this could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you, neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So, what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.
And for love to be firmly established; there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate who a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?
What kind of hygiene has he as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know, he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual.
For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly developed the trick of sweet-talking a woman into his bed.
When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened, so be very careful where you go with him.
Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.
Good luck.
My fiancee not comfortable with long-distance relationship
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people.
I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her.
You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in the United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria, he introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom. That was a year ago.
When we started, she expressed her reservations about long-distance relationships but I assured her it would work; that what was more important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 years while she is 24.
Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her often. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I loved her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in her but said none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal introduction. She told me anytime we were ready but said we should begin to live together.
I told her it wasn’t convenient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over to the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me. We also agreed to commence marriage rites this month.
When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up the issue of long-distance relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see.
Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends were warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well.
Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.
As it is, there is the need for you to go to God first and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and establisher of this institution you are going into.
From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you are to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband.
Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention.
It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now, both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is a complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of your lives together.
For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man.
Both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons.
For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man needs in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.
She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent.
When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future, your everything that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than when the dotted lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved.
Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows.
For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know each other. Get to discover the person behind the telephone conversations as well as behind the masks you both project to the world.
This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you do not succeed in the marriage eventually, the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all.
By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people.
I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her.
You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in the United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria, he introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom. That was a year ago.
When we started, she expressed her reservations about long-distance relationships but I assured her it would work; that what was more important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 years while she is 24.
Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her often. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I loved her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in her but said none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal introduction. She told me anytime we were ready but said we should begin to live together.
I told her it wasn’t convenient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over to the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me. We also agreed to commence marriage rites this month.
When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up the issue of long-distance relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see.
Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends were warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well.
Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.
As it is, there is the need for you to go to God first and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and establisher of this institution you are going into.
From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you are to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband.
Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention.
It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now, both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is a complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of your lives together.
For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man.
Both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons.
For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man needs in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.
She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent.
When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future, your everything that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than when the dotted lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved.
Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows.
For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know each other. Get to discover the person behind the telephone conversations as well as behind the masks you both project to the world.
This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you do not succeed in the marriage eventually, the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all.
By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets.
Good luck.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I need second wife to end this generational curse?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am an engineer by profession. I have a good job and live comfortably with my wife and son. But I have this recurring problem, which always leave me helpless.
I am an only child, not because my parents couldn’t have more children, but because all siblings died at very tender ages. Incidentally, my father too was the only child.
Because of this situation, my kinsmen are always very protective concerning me. They always take special interest in matters concerning me, because I have nobody to stand by or for me. Even though I managed to survive the odds of my situation, it wasn’t a cup of tea being alone in the whole world. I survived through the grace of God.
My wife and I are also facing this same problem. After six years of marriage, we have only a son. We have been to different medical doctors and went through series of fertility tests, but nothing was found wrong with either my wife or me.
Because of the loneliness of being an only child, I am considering taking a second wife. This is irrespective of the love I have for my wife and my position in the church, which I know I would forfeit if I take on another wife.
I don’t want my son to go through what I went through as a child.
Agatha, I am at a very terrible crossroad. Please at this point, I don’t know what to do, advise me.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Your problem is not physical, but spiritual. And I honestly empathise with you because like a great number of us, you are an innocent victim of forces and sequences you know nothing about.
Because what you are contending with is a foundational problem. Even if you marry all the women in the world, unless there is a dislodgement of whatever power holding your paternal lineage hostage, the children would also die like all your siblings. If nothing was found medically wrong with both of you, what makes you so sure you would be able to produce more children from other women?
Besides you would only be adding to your very complex situation by bringing another woman into your life. Ask those who know, polygamy has never been a solution to the problem, in the sense that every person involved in the arrangement would do anything to be in the vintage position.
What happens if the new woman you are bringing in is unable to provide you with more children? Keep marrying until you succeed? Do you know the more incriminating spiritual problems these women may be experiencing in their families? Do you know the diabolical powers that could come into your peaceful world to worsen what you feel is already a complicated situation in your life? Spiritual problems, unlike psychical problems need wisdom and plenty of God’s involvement to obliterate. For your own sake as well as your family’s sake, especially the innocent child involved, don’t depend on your wisdom or understanding of issues alone. Take everything to God first through prayers.
It is not just enough to decide on bringing in another woman. Have you sat down to consider the increased headaches you would be contending with by acquiring more women in your life? Also consider the peace you would be forfeiting by having more than one wife? How rich are you to fairly meet all their demands?
Two issues are at play here. One is the fact that all the surviving children in your family are men. and secondly, that every attempt to increase the number always result in the deaths of subsequent children.
The question you should ask is why is this so? At what point did this begin to happen in your lineage? Did the trend start with your grandfather? Before this trend, what was the situation? How many children did your great grandfather have? Were they all girls? If they were boys, how many of them outside your grandfather survived?
Go back into your family and investigate the reasons for this. Is there a particular family god your ancestors worshipped? That you are today a Christian doesn’t stop you suffering the consequences unless there is a proper deliverance.
Many a time, we ignorantly think simply because we have given our lives to Christ prevent the consequences of our ancestors’ decision from falling on us. Our past remains our heritage. There is no way we can talk about our present and future without the past. The past remains indelible.
If one’s past has a major fault, it follows that one’s presence and future would have some of those deformities from the past.
You are today facing this challenge, because something isn’t right about your past. Deliverance sessions enable ancient closed doors to be opened for the Holy Spirit to restructure the damage. To put the past where it belongs, we must take the step in our present to give the future a new meaning.
If your grandfather isn’t alive, go to your father to tell you some things he remembers about his family. If there is nobody in your family to turn to, your kinsmen must have one or two useful information to give. Jot down whatever information you get, no matter how insignificant it appears. What you consider unimportant may be the key to your problem.
If possible, visit your ancestral home. No matter how far removed your relatives may be from you; you must enlist their support in this battle to be free from the past.
To begin with, go to God in prayers. Remember you wear the shoes; hence you are in the best position to know where it pinches. If you don’t cry out, demand for God’s personal intervention, nobody can do it for you. Your cry would lead you to your source of help.
Call the leadership of the church and ask for spiritual support. If possible, ask them to accompany you on the journey to your ancestral home. There is no doubt you need all the help to overcome this problem and the more spiritually inclined people in your church that stand in gap for you, the better.
While you research the cause of the problem, it is also pertinent to look at the average lifespan in your family especially if your grandfather and father are dead. If however they are still alive, enlist their support through proper education of this unwholesome trend.
The most important thing you need is to have complete faith in God.
However, your son doesn’t have to end up an only child. You can adopt a child to grow with him, to answer your name and to remove whatever restriction has been placed on you. The attack is targeted at your natural ability to have another child outside the one allowed. They cannot stop you from having another child through adoption.
This is a better, more peaceful and rewarding option than the issue of multiple marriages you are contemplating.
Nobody would know the difference between your biological child and adopted child if you treat them equally and fairly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am an engineer by profession. I have a good job and live comfortably with my wife and son. But I have this recurring problem, which always leave me helpless.
I am an only child, not because my parents couldn’t have more children, but because all siblings died at very tender ages. Incidentally, my father too was the only child.
Because of this situation, my kinsmen are always very protective concerning me. They always take special interest in matters concerning me, because I have nobody to stand by or for me. Even though I managed to survive the odds of my situation, it wasn’t a cup of tea being alone in the whole world. I survived through the grace of God.
My wife and I are also facing this same problem. After six years of marriage, we have only a son. We have been to different medical doctors and went through series of fertility tests, but nothing was found wrong with either my wife or me.
Because of the loneliness of being an only child, I am considering taking a second wife. This is irrespective of the love I have for my wife and my position in the church, which I know I would forfeit if I take on another wife.
I don’t want my son to go through what I went through as a child.
Agatha, I am at a very terrible crossroad. Please at this point, I don’t know what to do, advise me.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Your problem is not physical, but spiritual. And I honestly empathise with you because like a great number of us, you are an innocent victim of forces and sequences you know nothing about.
Because what you are contending with is a foundational problem. Even if you marry all the women in the world, unless there is a dislodgement of whatever power holding your paternal lineage hostage, the children would also die like all your siblings. If nothing was found medically wrong with both of you, what makes you so sure you would be able to produce more children from other women?
Besides you would only be adding to your very complex situation by bringing another woman into your life. Ask those who know, polygamy has never been a solution to the problem, in the sense that every person involved in the arrangement would do anything to be in the vintage position.
What happens if the new woman you are bringing in is unable to provide you with more children? Keep marrying until you succeed? Do you know the more incriminating spiritual problems these women may be experiencing in their families? Do you know the diabolical powers that could come into your peaceful world to worsen what you feel is already a complicated situation in your life? Spiritual problems, unlike psychical problems need wisdom and plenty of God’s involvement to obliterate. For your own sake as well as your family’s sake, especially the innocent child involved, don’t depend on your wisdom or understanding of issues alone. Take everything to God first through prayers.
It is not just enough to decide on bringing in another woman. Have you sat down to consider the increased headaches you would be contending with by acquiring more women in your life? Also consider the peace you would be forfeiting by having more than one wife? How rich are you to fairly meet all their demands?
Two issues are at play here. One is the fact that all the surviving children in your family are men. and secondly, that every attempt to increase the number always result in the deaths of subsequent children.
The question you should ask is why is this so? At what point did this begin to happen in your lineage? Did the trend start with your grandfather? Before this trend, what was the situation? How many children did your great grandfather have? Were they all girls? If they were boys, how many of them outside your grandfather survived?
Go back into your family and investigate the reasons for this. Is there a particular family god your ancestors worshipped? That you are today a Christian doesn’t stop you suffering the consequences unless there is a proper deliverance.
Many a time, we ignorantly think simply because we have given our lives to Christ prevent the consequences of our ancestors’ decision from falling on us. Our past remains our heritage. There is no way we can talk about our present and future without the past. The past remains indelible.
If one’s past has a major fault, it follows that one’s presence and future would have some of those deformities from the past.
You are today facing this challenge, because something isn’t right about your past. Deliverance sessions enable ancient closed doors to be opened for the Holy Spirit to restructure the damage. To put the past where it belongs, we must take the step in our present to give the future a new meaning.
If your grandfather isn’t alive, go to your father to tell you some things he remembers about his family. If there is nobody in your family to turn to, your kinsmen must have one or two useful information to give. Jot down whatever information you get, no matter how insignificant it appears. What you consider unimportant may be the key to your problem.
If possible, visit your ancestral home. No matter how far removed your relatives may be from you; you must enlist their support in this battle to be free from the past.
To begin with, go to God in prayers. Remember you wear the shoes; hence you are in the best position to know where it pinches. If you don’t cry out, demand for God’s personal intervention, nobody can do it for you. Your cry would lead you to your source of help.
Call the leadership of the church and ask for spiritual support. If possible, ask them to accompany you on the journey to your ancestral home. There is no doubt you need all the help to overcome this problem and the more spiritually inclined people in your church that stand in gap for you, the better.
While you research the cause of the problem, it is also pertinent to look at the average lifespan in your family especially if your grandfather and father are dead. If however they are still alive, enlist their support through proper education of this unwholesome trend.
The most important thing you need is to have complete faith in God.
However, your son doesn’t have to end up an only child. You can adopt a child to grow with him, to answer your name and to remove whatever restriction has been placed on you. The attack is targeted at your natural ability to have another child outside the one allowed. They cannot stop you from having another child through adoption.
This is a better, more peaceful and rewarding option than the issue of multiple marriages you are contemplating.
Nobody would know the difference between your biological child and adopted child if you treat them equally and fairly.
Good luck.
He beats me if I refuse him sex…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with this boy, but he always beat me anytime he wants to have sex with me that I refuse him. I don’t know what to do, please.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
What are you still doing in such a relationship? This man doesn’t love you. He is only interested in your body and the more you continue to tolerate his behaviour, the worse he would become.
At the end of the day, you would suffer the problem of self-confidence and emotion. Sex and violence don’t go together. The fact that you are indulging his desires when you are not legally married should make him solicitous to your needs and moods, and not beat you into submitting to his desires.
If a man begins to beat you at this stage, when you are not married to him, when he should be courting your interest, then something is very wrong with the relationship as well as with your own interpretation of what a relationship is.
Even if married, he doesn’t have the right to beat you on those days you are not ready to make love. The worst he can do is to walk away or at best think of romantic ways of making it right for you to receive him.
Here, your self-esteem is important; which is why you must jealously protect your state of mind at all times.
Respect is what drives a relationship to progress and peace. If a man you are dating lacks the respect for you, your body and emotions, then what is the basis of the relationship? How does he expect you to enjoy sex with him after beating you to submission? The message he is passing in this is that you are his sex slave, one that must be beaten into line to perform. And if you continue with him, you will only be enforcing this thinking of his.
If he cares for you, he won’t lay a finger on you at all.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with this boy, but he always beat me anytime he wants to have sex with me that I refuse him. I don’t know what to do, please.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
What are you still doing in such a relationship? This man doesn’t love you. He is only interested in your body and the more you continue to tolerate his behaviour, the worse he would become.
At the end of the day, you would suffer the problem of self-confidence and emotion. Sex and violence don’t go together. The fact that you are indulging his desires when you are not legally married should make him solicitous to your needs and moods, and not beat you into submitting to his desires.
If a man begins to beat you at this stage, when you are not married to him, when he should be courting your interest, then something is very wrong with the relationship as well as with your own interpretation of what a relationship is.
Even if married, he doesn’t have the right to beat you on those days you are not ready to make love. The worst he can do is to walk away or at best think of romantic ways of making it right for you to receive him.
Here, your self-esteem is important; which is why you must jealously protect your state of mind at all times.
Respect is what drives a relationship to progress and peace. If a man you are dating lacks the respect for you, your body and emotions, then what is the basis of the relationship? How does he expect you to enjoy sex with him after beating you to submission? The message he is passing in this is that you are his sex slave, one that must be beaten into line to perform. And if you continue with him, you will only be enforcing this thinking of his.
If he cares for you, he won’t lay a finger on you at all.
Good luck.
She’s an undergraduate; I’m still seeking admission
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I like my girlfriend a lot, and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university, while I am still seeking admission. I am always calling and sending her text messages.
But she neither calls nor sends me text messages. The only time she did was when I sent her credit, just to thank me.
When I called to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she told me she was stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I was aware of.
My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention, suggesting I should give her a break for a while to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me.
I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle refraining myself from calling all that while. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her.
I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last, because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way.
I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go give her a visit. I miss her so much.
I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow.
Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon, because it really disturbs me a lot?
Please help me out.
Sam.
Dear Sam,
Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile.
Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university.
By the time she graduates and finish her service year, you will only be in your mid year in school.
And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities.
Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time?
These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality.
Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realises her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason, but she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in cycles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered, hence must be respected to the fullest.
Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more mature and deeper in thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all.
This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her.
Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds.
If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life.
A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions.
However, what is critical in your life now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you.
Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man; nobody will ever take you serious.
Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications.
Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you.
The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in need of a person to talk to.
Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I like my girlfriend a lot, and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university, while I am still seeking admission. I am always calling and sending her text messages.
But she neither calls nor sends me text messages. The only time she did was when I sent her credit, just to thank me.
When I called to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she told me she was stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I was aware of.
My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention, suggesting I should give her a break for a while to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me.
I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle refraining myself from calling all that while. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her.
I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last, because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way.
I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go give her a visit. I miss her so much.
I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow.
Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon, because it really disturbs me a lot?
Please help me out.
Sam.
Dear Sam,
Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile.
Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university.
By the time she graduates and finish her service year, you will only be in your mid year in school.
And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities.
Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time?
These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality.
Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realises her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason, but she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in cycles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered, hence must be respected to the fullest.
Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more mature and deeper in thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all.
This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her.
Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds.
If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life.
A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions.
However, what is critical in your life now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you.
Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man; nobody will ever take you serious.
Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications.
Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you.
The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in need of a person to talk to.
Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her.
Good luck
I need a girl in my life!
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are a great counsellor; keep it up dear.
I need your help. I will be turning 27 soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half now. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction.
Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realise the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me. In times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I believe in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other.
Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I, I opted out.
I need to be in a relationship, but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me.
Confused Boy.
Dear Confused Boy,
The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream.
To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive, and frankly it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work.
For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. It has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times.
You also have to accept one basic truth about life – the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one.
To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions, which more often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off.
Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can, because overtime, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct?
Just be practical in your search, and above all entrust God with your dreams.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
You are a great counsellor; keep it up dear.
I need your help. I will be turning 27 soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half now. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction.
Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realise the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me. In times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I believe in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other.
Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I, I opted out.
I need to be in a relationship, but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me.
Confused Boy.
Dear Confused Boy,
The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream.
To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive, and frankly it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work.
For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. It has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times.
You also have to accept one basic truth about life – the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one.
To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions, which more often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off.
Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can, because overtime, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct?
Just be practical in your search, and above all entrust God with your dreams.
Good luck.
His family wants me a Catholic…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
It is only God that will bless you in all you’ve been doing for many of us through this page.
Agatha, I have this problem, which seems to be bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years, but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am of Assemblies of God Church.
He told me he would allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on February 4, and since then his people have been pressurising me to start attending his church.
I am loved by all of them, but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in my marriage and life. Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Who do you worship in your church, God or man? If God is whom you worship, is He different from the God Catholics worship? Are you not both Christians, members of Jesus Christ family and army? Is that church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one reads it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ?
If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favour?
At any rate, who is the founder of any Church, God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather allow him to go because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all-knowing God, who rules in heaven, made all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both believe in God.
Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband; to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way?
How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families?
Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home?
The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth comes from interaction with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted.
And if you really meant what you said about his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage?
Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing now is like cutting your nose to spite your face.
Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit.
The truth is if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people.
Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same spiritual father won’t insulate a marriage from having problems.
Which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about, issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your marriage. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of lifetime happiness? Put yourself in bondage that God hasn’t put you, all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you?
For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband.
Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practice and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship.
Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems where ordinarily none exists.
From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage, so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a garment of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband.
The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenge difficult.
That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists she won’t attend same church as your son?
These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it.
Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
It is only God that will bless you in all you’ve been doing for many of us through this page.
Agatha, I have this problem, which seems to be bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years, but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am of Assemblies of God Church.
He told me he would allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on February 4, and since then his people have been pressurising me to start attending his church.
I am loved by all of them, but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in my marriage and life. Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Who do you worship in your church, God or man? If God is whom you worship, is He different from the God Catholics worship? Are you not both Christians, members of Jesus Christ family and army? Is that church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one reads it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ?
If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favour?
At any rate, who is the founder of any Church, God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather allow him to go because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all-knowing God, who rules in heaven, made all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both believe in God.
Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband; to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way?
How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families?
Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home?
The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth comes from interaction with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted.
And if you really meant what you said about his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage?
Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing now is like cutting your nose to spite your face.
Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit.
The truth is if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people.
Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same spiritual father won’t insulate a marriage from having problems.
Which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about, issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your marriage. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of lifetime happiness? Put yourself in bondage that God hasn’t put you, all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you?
For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband.
Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practice and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship.
Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems where ordinarily none exists.
From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage, so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a garment of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband.
The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenge difficult.
That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists she won’t attend same church as your son?
These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it.
Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.
Good luck.
He’s 27, I’m 19, any qualm?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a young lady of 19 in a relationship with a man of 27. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do? Is the age difference not good enough for a relationship?
Worried Teenager.
Dear Worried Teenager,
Unless you have graduated your priority now should be your education. There is plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life.
This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship.
The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honesty, the age difference between you isn’t much, but you are bothered about it because at your age the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism, while he at 27 is beginning to experience what reality is, the responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make.
His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun.
Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend at of him. He can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better.
It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I am a young lady of 19 in a relationship with a man of 27. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do? Is the age difference not good enough for a relationship?
Worried Teenager.
Dear Worried Teenager,
Unless you have graduated your priority now should be your education. There is plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life.
This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship.
The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honesty, the age difference between you isn’t much, but you are bothered about it because at your age the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism, while he at 27 is beginning to experience what reality is, the responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make.
His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun.
Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend at of him. He can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better.
It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents.
Good luck
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
