Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I commend you for your effort in answering the so many questions to our problems.
I am a married man, but my wife is always complaining about the smallness of my manhood.
I don’t want to take drug due to its side effect in future; I want you to advise me on ways of enlarging my male organ. I would prefer a natural method. I would sincerely appreciate an urgent response.
S.Y.
Dear S.Y.,
It is amazing the way most men worry about the size of their manhood. One would have thought with the amount of information on sex, men would stop worry about the size and concentrate more on what can be achieved with what they have.
Sincerely, for most women, size may not matter as much as the effectiveness of the art, provided men are ready to break new grounds as well as do away with traditional stereotypes that insist sex is a forbidden thing, done only for procreation and should not be recreational. Within the bounds of marriage, such stereotypes only serve to dull excitement embedded in the marriage package. This is why men continue to think size is the same thing as efficiency and authority. Women respect the efficiency and the sense of responsibility of a man not the size of his manhood.
Therefore, there is nothing stopping a man with smaller manhood from sexually satisfying a woman. This is because only the first few inches of the virginal are sexually receptive. Hence once a man is able to have contact with the outer rim of the virginal, he can satisfy his woman sexually. Besides the clitoris is placed where any size can reach it. This is because God in his infinite wisdom designed the woman’s body in such a way to get satisfaction and give it to any man even if small sized.
Size is more psychological than biological. It only becomes an issue if couples allow it a place of pride in their relationships.
This is one issue that has continually come up which despite all attempts at resolving, keeps coming up.
In the first place, nobody can tell what the ideal size of a woman’s breasts or male organ should be but a recent survey puts the average size of an active male organ at between 5.5 to 6.3 inches. But the majority falls between 4.7 and 5.1 inches.
However the secret to complete happiness is for a man to be happy with what he has because that is what makes him unique. This is the point you must learn to accept yourself. Yes, your wife has an opinion but you must make her understand that your size has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy her. If she loves you, she would not leave you for another man no matter the challenge with your size. What you both need is a lot of imagination as well as the openness to experiment without reservations.
When it comes to the art of lovemaking, size and width do not matter as much as the imagination of a couple. Some men are excessively endowed, but find it extremely difficult to get any woman to stay with them because of the inability of most women to accommodate them.
To get a woman to stay with them, such men must learn, just like the less endowed men to rely more on their hands, tongues and mouth to get the female going. These are the art that makes one experience more different from the other.
Because love within a marriage is meant to be expressed beyond measure, a definite gift from God, you and your wife must first bury whatever prejudices you both grew up with. To get to the kernel, lot of works, perseverance, interest as well as determination must first be deployed towards cracking the shell. The same principle applies to the art of lovemaking especially where a couple hits a challenge like yours.
You, being the one with the perceived problem, must be willing to do everything within limits to ensure your partner doesn’t escape with the feeling of being cheated or anger at being deceived by you into a union she won’t get the maximum sexual satisfaction from.
To this end you must encourage her to speak out her mind at every point, listen to her suggestions on how to please her as well as follow with a clear mind her initiatives.
Like every other thing in life, lovemaking isn’t static. It must be continually upgraded and distilled to give a couple the right blends. This means a couple must not only strive to achieve excellence but must do everything to patent their own act to fit into their uniqueness. For example, the technique that works for your friend and his partner may not work for you, because they don’t have the challenge you and your partner have.
So you must first evaluate not only the urgent problems but all those that are hidden as well. For instance the issue is not only that of you not having the ideal length of manhood? Would having the ideal length solve the problem of your lack of sexual satisfaction once and for all? Remember that for most women, satisfaction and not the size of the male organ is what matters at the end of the day.
Make her talk and give her the concomitant freedom to really express herself on the matter. Don’t shut her up, feel bad or get suspicious when she is making her opinion on the matter known. Although your wife, she is an adult with an adult mind and desires hence must be given the same recognition as you to be happy with the choice she made to love you unconditionally.
The danger of not involving her in your quest for solutions is the possibility of losing her completely to another man. This is one salient fact you must not overlook. She has the right to discontinue if she feels she is not being given the right to her desires. This is why you must enlist her help. So tell your wife to stop complaining and think of productive ways of achieving sexual satisfaction with you. Tell her she has all the freedom in the world to use her imagination to help both of you become better lovers because you both are licensed by God and man to tap into sex unlimited nectar.
This is the only way to make her stop complaining as well as secure her only understanding and support to make her happy. You have to break away from the traditions that insist sexual satisfaction falls under the exclusive male list. This is the point man and the society creates problems within the marriage institution. When there is a sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage framework, irrespective of who is complaining, it behooves the couple to adopt a liberal and sincere attitude towards its solution. Frankly when it comes to the delicate issue of sex, it is neither a man or woman’s world. Rather, it is a world of happiness and satisfaction.
What you should do is to look for quality books that talk about positions and postures couples seeking ultimate joy in sex should adopt. There are some positions that seem to give more volume to the male organ. Google the Internet for information on such books or ask your book retailer. These books are not pornography materials, rather they are well researched quality books put together by highly educated individuals who from years of researches know that sex to man is as important as the air we all breathe. Once man is able to overcome the pretenses and admit to the essence of sex, solutions to sexual challenges become very easy.
As for your second question, yes there are ways to increase the size of a male organ but some of them are dubious which is why it is very important a couple works at finding its own rhythm, rather than concentrating efforts on getting a solution that might not be forthcoming or could lead to more emotional and psychological frustrations at the end of the day.
There are penile enhancement surgeries where penis can be lengthened to more than 10 inches. But the urgent question is how would you determine the depth of your woman’s body? The average for a woman is about four to eight inches, which means your woman might not be able to accommodate you if you are very huge. Do you really want to get into measuring your anatomy like a tailor measuring clothes? Would your wife in her quest to make you have the right size allow her depth to be measured so that you are done to fit her perfectly?
In addition, these operations cost real money because they fall within the category of plastic surgery. Do you have the money and at the end of the day, would the fee charged be worth the satisfaction?
There are also many herbal pills and exercises that claim to increase size but you may have to go to NAFDAC to get the list of such drugs cleared for human consumption. It would be interesting to know what animals these drugs, claiming this magic were first tested on before releasing them for human consumption.
Believe me, your imagination and willingness to experiment is your best bet.
Don’t forget that God that made both of you an item has already knows why and has given both of you the individual as well as collective strength to achieve the impossible together. There is subject or problem He is ignorant of. Asking Him for help and wisdom would also help you and your wife greatly.
Good luck.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
My hubby remains a boy to his mother
Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband, who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house.
Naturally his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me, but she has a way of making my life hell on earth in that house. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food for that day and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that that particular food isn’t eaten in that house.
The worst thing is that my husband would come and won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house.
I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a litte bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage. But he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school, which is six hours drive from home.
Anytime I raise the issue of his family’s treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage.
And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house.
My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age. I am dying slowly. Please help me.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him.
Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis.
For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must, during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because, like most women thought, you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother.
The fact that you didn’t complain then, willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come to defeat all the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those whose patience is very elastic. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to patience.
From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation to survive this marriage.
And one way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life, because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife?
Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist its feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life.
Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You two are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them.
The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of accute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all.
Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours, don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have – you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house.
For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy wish for more privacy to really be together; do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying.
Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now.
Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak.
Until you leave the house, where you can avoid confrontation, do so. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room, do that. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen.
This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person.
It is also important to your survival that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband, who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house.
Naturally his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me, but she has a way of making my life hell on earth in that house. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food for that day and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that that particular food isn’t eaten in that house.
The worst thing is that my husband would come and won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house.
I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a litte bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage. But he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school, which is six hours drive from home.
Anytime I raise the issue of his family’s treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage.
And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house.
My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age. I am dying slowly. Please help me.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him.
Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis.
For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must, during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because, like most women thought, you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother.
The fact that you didn’t complain then, willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come to defeat all the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those whose patience is very elastic. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to patience.
From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation to survive this marriage.
And one way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life, because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife?
Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist its feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life.
Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You two are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them.
The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of accute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all.
Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours, don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have – you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house.
For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy wish for more privacy to really be together; do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying.
Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now.
Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak.
Until you leave the house, where you can avoid confrontation, do so. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room, do that. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen.
This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person.
It is also important to your survival that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you.
Good luck.
Too hard for my hubby to let go his ex
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I don’t know what else to add to all the prayers people, like me, daily send your way each time we get to read you. Whether you believe it or not you are doing a very wonderful and rare job through your column. It is amazing how you come up with such précised solutions. It is obvious that you are indeed doing what God created you to do, so don’t stop because it is where your breakthrough in life would come too.
I recently discovered that my husband of eight years is still dating his ex-girlfriend who left him to marry one of his colleagues when things were not going on well with him.
I knew they were secondary and university sweethearts. As a matter of fact when he came to me for a relationship a lot of those who knew about their relationship warned against my dating him. They all expressed the fear of the two of us, especially him giving the type of happiness I deserve.
A close friend of his actually expressed doubt at my husband being able to ever trust or love any other woman after what the ex-girlfriend did to him.
Because I loved him from the very beginning I ignored everything and whatever was being said about him. For me, my love was more than enough to see us through.
In fairness to him, he told me all about his ex and how much her leaving left him devastated and without hope in his future. Being from a comfortable family, I was able to use my father’s influence to swing things in his favour.
Although my father didn’t really like the idea because the entire process could be misinterpreted by people as trying to induce a man to marrying his only daughter; he still went out of his way to help because of what I feel for him.
At my insistence, we got married without too much fanfare because I have never been the loud type or one to court for cheap publicity.
I had honestly thought my husband was over his former girlfriend after three children. But you can’t imagine my shock when early this year stories started filtering in that the two of them were back and dating. At first, I refused to believe all the stories but was forced to when my husband became careless.
She has taken to calling him at odd hours, sometimes very late in the night. Last week, we were in the process of making love when her call came. My husband must have recognised she was the one through the ring tone because he abandoned me to answer her call. By the time he finished talking to her, an hour later, I was filled with rage and a deep sense of betrayal.
I would have done something stupid if he didn’t take the wise decision of apologising and pleading with me forgiveness. At this point he didn’t bother to deny it anymore.
He broke down and told me how difficult he is finding it to let go of her despite that both of them are married. He wants me to help him forget her by not fighting him.
The following day, the husband came to my house to plead with my husband right in my presence to let his wife be. According to him, he doesn’t want a broken home on his hands.
Agatha, the situation is very messy. My mother died while giving birth to me, hence the fierce protection of my two elder brothers and father.
They are all aware of what is going on in my home. My family is insisting I pack out of my home with all the children.
Agatha, the problem is that I still love my husband despite everything. Besides, he could be a very good husband when he wants to. What I don’t understand is his passion for this woman, the passion that is making him willing to sacrifice his relationship with God and his family. My mother-in-law and all my husband’s family members think she is using juju on my husband. According to her, she has always questioned the intensity of his love for her as not being normal. They too are begging me not to give up on my husband that this is the time he needs me the most.
As a woman, you can imagine the emotional pains I am going through with what is happening to me. I am so confused because despite my love, I am still human and feeling very bad. Since the woman’s husband came to him he has tried to avoid taking her calls but for how long?
Please help me because I am dying inside. I am also four months pregnant and the doctor is very alarmed at my very high blood pressure.
Ajoke.
Dear Ajoke,
Whatever you do, please put the interest of that baby and your health first. You are thinking of this problem and looking for a way to go round it because you are alive. If anything untoward happens to you or the baby as a result of the emotional stress being generated by the situation in your life, whether your husband is having affair with her or not would cease to be important.
If your husband isn’t putting your health and that of the unborn child into consideration, you owe it to yourself, your children, unborn baby and your family to put your interest first. This is the time in marriage when selfishness takes the front seat for the purpose of protecting a life.
While it could be true he may be under certain evil influences, it may simply be a strong case of two people desperate to be together irrespective of the pains their feelings and desire bring to people around them.
There is no way you can help him if he doesn’t want to be helped. For your help to be meaningful, he has to face the truth about himself and his love for this woman. Beyond the issue of him being married to you or the other woman being married to another man; what is his true feeling for her? Can he ever live a life without her or ever be contented with you in the same way he seems to have found contentment with her?
I agree, fighting him isn’t a solution, not because it would drive him further into his arms but that it won’t make any difference in their affairs. If both of them don’t care about everybody finding out about them, it means the matter is completely out of your hand.
Your husband has to make up his mind very fast about what he wants from life. No marriage is worth losing one’s life for. The emotional trauma you are going through would definitely take its toll on you especially at childbirth.
Do you want your children to go through life without a mother’s love? Despite everything your father did to give you the best, I am sure there were several moments you wished your mother was there for you. Till date I am sure your mother’s place is still very vacant in your mind’s eyes.
Yes, you have a responsibility to fight for your marriage’s survival, but at what cost to you and your children? This is the question you have to put across to your husband. If he is asking you not to fight him, help him overcome his obsession with this lady, what is he too willing to do for the family? How does he intend to help you solve the problem since nothing comes from nothing?
Having blatantly betrayed you, he sincerely lacks any right to ask you for such sacrifices unless he is willing to let go of his passion for that woman, give something back to procure the peace and security of his family. To simply demand you give him of yourself without a concomitant effort on his part to meet you half way isn’t an indication of a man who is sorry as well or willing to protect his home from imminent collapse.
Make him talk about his past with this woman. What is the secret of their passion; her hold over him and if there was an oath between them not to let go. To help him, he has to learn to trust you with all the major as well as the minor details,
You have to have a very clear image of the problem you are confronting. You already know the problem confronting you but for you to know the one you are confronting, he has to arm you with all the ammunition you need.
Insist being honest is the only way you would stay and be happy to help him. If he cannot do without the other woman, let him be honest enough to tell you so you would make the necessary adjustment and plan your next move. He would be doing more harm and injustice by insisting you help him keep a marriage he knows within his heart he has no allegiance to.
The issue is: if he has any respect for you or the sanctity of his marriage to you or the institution generally, no matter what the other woman offers him in terms of excitement, he won’t sleep with her. Not only is he destroying his own marriage but another marriage.
Whether they dated for years is immaterial now. What is important is the fact that they went their different ways to marry two other people out of their own volition. These two don’t have the right to make you and the other man suffer from their inability to make up their minds about their feelings for each other.
Therefore his apologies and desire to have you in life has to be more than skin deep for you to make this all-important sacrifices for him.
But if he is still unable to make up his mind about the other woman, you may have to take to the counsel of your family by leaving for a while to have your baby in a place you will find the emotional stability to survive the rigour of carrying the baby to full term as well as a successful childbirth.
This is a classic case of when extreme measure has to be applied to bring about sanity.
Another dimension, you should look at is focusing on the spiritual angle in your own side of the family. What led to your mother dying at childbirth? Sometimes the rhythms from the past still have the potency to make us dance unconsciously even when we are oblivious of the meaning of its lyrics. Ask your father to explain to you all about your mother, her death and situation before she died. Your marital problem may just be a smoke screen for the real danger ahead of you.
You must, as a matter of urgency, commit your life, relationship, and family to the hands of God. He only can point you at the real problem as well as the directions to go.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I don’t know what else to add to all the prayers people, like me, daily send your way each time we get to read you. Whether you believe it or not you are doing a very wonderful and rare job through your column. It is amazing how you come up with such précised solutions. It is obvious that you are indeed doing what God created you to do, so don’t stop because it is where your breakthrough in life would come too.
I recently discovered that my husband of eight years is still dating his ex-girlfriend who left him to marry one of his colleagues when things were not going on well with him.
I knew they were secondary and university sweethearts. As a matter of fact when he came to me for a relationship a lot of those who knew about their relationship warned against my dating him. They all expressed the fear of the two of us, especially him giving the type of happiness I deserve.
A close friend of his actually expressed doubt at my husband being able to ever trust or love any other woman after what the ex-girlfriend did to him.
Because I loved him from the very beginning I ignored everything and whatever was being said about him. For me, my love was more than enough to see us through.
In fairness to him, he told me all about his ex and how much her leaving left him devastated and without hope in his future. Being from a comfortable family, I was able to use my father’s influence to swing things in his favour.
Although my father didn’t really like the idea because the entire process could be misinterpreted by people as trying to induce a man to marrying his only daughter; he still went out of his way to help because of what I feel for him.
At my insistence, we got married without too much fanfare because I have never been the loud type or one to court for cheap publicity.
I had honestly thought my husband was over his former girlfriend after three children. But you can’t imagine my shock when early this year stories started filtering in that the two of them were back and dating. At first, I refused to believe all the stories but was forced to when my husband became careless.
She has taken to calling him at odd hours, sometimes very late in the night. Last week, we were in the process of making love when her call came. My husband must have recognised she was the one through the ring tone because he abandoned me to answer her call. By the time he finished talking to her, an hour later, I was filled with rage and a deep sense of betrayal.
I would have done something stupid if he didn’t take the wise decision of apologising and pleading with me forgiveness. At this point he didn’t bother to deny it anymore.
He broke down and told me how difficult he is finding it to let go of her despite that both of them are married. He wants me to help him forget her by not fighting him.
The following day, the husband came to my house to plead with my husband right in my presence to let his wife be. According to him, he doesn’t want a broken home on his hands.
Agatha, the situation is very messy. My mother died while giving birth to me, hence the fierce protection of my two elder brothers and father.
They are all aware of what is going on in my home. My family is insisting I pack out of my home with all the children.
Agatha, the problem is that I still love my husband despite everything. Besides, he could be a very good husband when he wants to. What I don’t understand is his passion for this woman, the passion that is making him willing to sacrifice his relationship with God and his family. My mother-in-law and all my husband’s family members think she is using juju on my husband. According to her, she has always questioned the intensity of his love for her as not being normal. They too are begging me not to give up on my husband that this is the time he needs me the most.
As a woman, you can imagine the emotional pains I am going through with what is happening to me. I am so confused because despite my love, I am still human and feeling very bad. Since the woman’s husband came to him he has tried to avoid taking her calls but for how long?
Please help me because I am dying inside. I am also four months pregnant and the doctor is very alarmed at my very high blood pressure.
Ajoke.
Dear Ajoke,
Whatever you do, please put the interest of that baby and your health first. You are thinking of this problem and looking for a way to go round it because you are alive. If anything untoward happens to you or the baby as a result of the emotional stress being generated by the situation in your life, whether your husband is having affair with her or not would cease to be important.
If your husband isn’t putting your health and that of the unborn child into consideration, you owe it to yourself, your children, unborn baby and your family to put your interest first. This is the time in marriage when selfishness takes the front seat for the purpose of protecting a life.
While it could be true he may be under certain evil influences, it may simply be a strong case of two people desperate to be together irrespective of the pains their feelings and desire bring to people around them.
There is no way you can help him if he doesn’t want to be helped. For your help to be meaningful, he has to face the truth about himself and his love for this woman. Beyond the issue of him being married to you or the other woman being married to another man; what is his true feeling for her? Can he ever live a life without her or ever be contented with you in the same way he seems to have found contentment with her?
I agree, fighting him isn’t a solution, not because it would drive him further into his arms but that it won’t make any difference in their affairs. If both of them don’t care about everybody finding out about them, it means the matter is completely out of your hand.
Your husband has to make up his mind very fast about what he wants from life. No marriage is worth losing one’s life for. The emotional trauma you are going through would definitely take its toll on you especially at childbirth.
Do you want your children to go through life without a mother’s love? Despite everything your father did to give you the best, I am sure there were several moments you wished your mother was there for you. Till date I am sure your mother’s place is still very vacant in your mind’s eyes.
Yes, you have a responsibility to fight for your marriage’s survival, but at what cost to you and your children? This is the question you have to put across to your husband. If he is asking you not to fight him, help him overcome his obsession with this lady, what is he too willing to do for the family? How does he intend to help you solve the problem since nothing comes from nothing?
Having blatantly betrayed you, he sincerely lacks any right to ask you for such sacrifices unless he is willing to let go of his passion for that woman, give something back to procure the peace and security of his family. To simply demand you give him of yourself without a concomitant effort on his part to meet you half way isn’t an indication of a man who is sorry as well or willing to protect his home from imminent collapse.
Make him talk about his past with this woman. What is the secret of their passion; her hold over him and if there was an oath between them not to let go. To help him, he has to learn to trust you with all the major as well as the minor details,
You have to have a very clear image of the problem you are confronting. You already know the problem confronting you but for you to know the one you are confronting, he has to arm you with all the ammunition you need.
Insist being honest is the only way you would stay and be happy to help him. If he cannot do without the other woman, let him be honest enough to tell you so you would make the necessary adjustment and plan your next move. He would be doing more harm and injustice by insisting you help him keep a marriage he knows within his heart he has no allegiance to.
The issue is: if he has any respect for you or the sanctity of his marriage to you or the institution generally, no matter what the other woman offers him in terms of excitement, he won’t sleep with her. Not only is he destroying his own marriage but another marriage.
Whether they dated for years is immaterial now. What is important is the fact that they went their different ways to marry two other people out of their own volition. These two don’t have the right to make you and the other man suffer from their inability to make up their minds about their feelings for each other.
Therefore his apologies and desire to have you in life has to be more than skin deep for you to make this all-important sacrifices for him.
But if he is still unable to make up his mind about the other woman, you may have to take to the counsel of your family by leaving for a while to have your baby in a place you will find the emotional stability to survive the rigour of carrying the baby to full term as well as a successful childbirth.
This is a classic case of when extreme measure has to be applied to bring about sanity.
Another dimension, you should look at is focusing on the spiritual angle in your own side of the family. What led to your mother dying at childbirth? Sometimes the rhythms from the past still have the potency to make us dance unconsciously even when we are oblivious of the meaning of its lyrics. Ask your father to explain to you all about your mother, her death and situation before she died. Your marital problem may just be a smoke screen for the real danger ahead of you.
You must, as a matter of urgency, commit your life, relationship, and family to the hands of God. He only can point you at the real problem as well as the directions to go.
Good luck.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
My church can’t put up with my woman’s ways…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me resolve this riddle in my life. Three years ago, I got called by God, though on a part-time basis.
I head one of the most successful branches of one of the leading second generation banks in the Niger-Delta areas in the country.
I was 40-year-old two months back. Right from my secondary school days, I have never had problems attracting members of the opposite sex.
I had the looks every average woman wanted but one trend began early in my life, the girls came all right, but I always had difficulties keeping them for more than two months at a go.
Something would always come up to either make them terminate the relationship, or I walk out on them.
I didn’t attribute anything to it until in my later years when all my friends began to settle down. It became more obvious when my elder brother of about five years difference too was struggling to keep a relationship. Till date he too is unmarried and has no child to call his own, at the time when some of his friends had stopped childbirth.
Before I completely gave my life to Christ, somebody told my brother and I when we accompanied our eldest sister to the village that something was wrong with the males in our family.
He said my father was the only male in the family who managed to keep a home and that was because my mother was a very strong Christian before she died.
Naïvely we thought it was just a normal spell of bad luck because we were among the most read and successful in our village.
Things however became clearer when I became born-again. Severally, I have been told in several crusades I have attended that my paternal grandfather was the cause of the problems my brother and I were going through. He had three sons and none of their male children is presently married.
However, recently after several prayers, I had this revelation in which I saw my grandfather maltreating a woman who swore to deal with his male children.
While I was still thinking of how to handle this problem, I met a lady quite by accident. She had come to my bank to transact a business. Since it was huge, she was brought in to see me.
Somehow we got talking and became quite close. Although she told me she was into event managing, I later got to know what sort of events she was really managing. To my dismay, I discovered her real interest was supplying girls to rich public officers.
Being a Christian, I wanted to withdraw from her but something kept me back. She is 10 years younger than I am.
I tried introducing her to Christ. Although she didn’t reject me out-rightly but she hadn’t given up her lifestyle either. She smokes, drinks and still engages in sex with these men for money in addition to providing them with other girls.
The real reason, I want your help is this: my prayer partners recently told me while they were praying that a message came that I must marry this lady else I would never marry in my life.
Honestly, the issue is not whether or not for now to marry the lady but the attitude of the church. My district pastor, after my discussion with him on the matter said it would rub off on the church as well as my growth in the ministry negatively because of the reputation of the lady.
He said it would jeopardise the church if I as parish pastor end up marrying a woman who is publicly known as a prostitute. He gave me the ultimatum to either quit the leadership of the church or let go of whatever ambition I have to marry this lady.
Because of his attitude and to be sure of the situation of things, I had to take time off my work for a few days to be alone with God and to get confirmation from Him.
I actually got my answer on the first day of my programme. The message was clear: she is the woman meant for me and that I would be the one to change her. That it is only after I have done that successfully, I can only enjoy the immense benefit of being married to her. It was further revealed to me that marriage to any other woman would only end in ruins for me.
To ensure I was hearing and seeing the right things, I went for help from other men of God who also confirmed it.
Now the issue is this, how do I present this woman to my family? How do I convince the leadership of the church to change their mind about their decision? Where do I begin the process of building trust in her?
What do I even tell the lady? How do I handle her because she appears set in her ways? With the kind of money she is making from her business would she ever let go of it to settle down with me as a wife? I know I earn good money but when compared to what she rakes in a day, my salary is nothing.
Please help me. Having waited this long, I really want to get things right with God and man. I don’t also know whether to quit my present church and go elsewhere. I am really hurt and disappointed at the lack of support, guidance and understanding I deserve on this issue. Isn’t the church supposed to provide support for confused minds? If I, as a servant of God is this confused, how much more an ordinary man?
Lucky.
Dear Lucky,
If God has spoken on this issue, allow Him to do it His own way. There is no rushing His time or helping Him because He is neither too late nor too early but always on time.
At His own appointed time, He would iron out all rough edges.
Don’t forget, the choice of the lady for you, as a wife, is His. He knows why He is insisting you marry her and gave you the warning to exercise patience for now by giving her all the support she needs to change. Love is a tonic. It can change a whole lot of things. No matter how rich or tough a woman is, she still needs love and the presence of a man in her life makes her completely whole. Only a man can fully compliment a woman, bring about that deep satisfaction right inside of her, and tap into the essence of her total being. A woman who is secured in the love of a man can do anything for the man.
Once you are able to earn her trust, convincing her to accept you into her life permanently would naturally end her trade.
She knows that the moment she gives you her answer to be your woman, whatever businesses she is doing on the side with all these other men would have to stop. It is a natural process that needs no hard work to achieve once there is genuine love on your parts.
Usually, it comes to a point in a woman’s life especially, when money isn’t all that matters. She is 30 years of age. The time has come in her life when money alone cannot bring her the joy she really need in life. She may appear to be enjoying the power and affluence of her trade but a woman is never really happy when she wakes up each morning to the realisation that her biological clock isn’t a respecter of how much she has in the bank or influenced by the power she wields.
To be frank, she may not be happy at what she is doing and may be waiting for the right man to help bring about the peace and sanity she lost when she went into this line of business. Sleeping with different kinds of men, no matter how rich they are, isn’t the average woman’s idea of happiness and contentment.
Even if you are not being mandated by God to marry her, as a
Christian you owe it to the body of Christ to help put her on the right path. The same understanding you would have given her as her pastor is what is now required of you as a prospective husband.
You trusted in Jesus Christ, that is why you agreed to follow a man you have never met physically but only read about. This is the same unconditional trust that is now required of you to take on this woman as your wife. You just must trust in the words of God that have come through several sources including you, that she is the only woman for you. To get to the honey you must first get past the bees. You must first show her that you are capable of loving her unconditionally despite the evidences of her lifestyle to make her reciprocate positively in your life.
The quality of the foundation you offer her today is what she would give in years to come – that time when you would really need a supportive wife to build your ministry and life. The attitude of the church is only God’s way of preparing you for the future. Of telling you that, you need a strong home base to fight a battle successfully.
Your pastor and church aren’t in support of your situation because they don’t share in your vision. Whereas, if you have a wife at home who shares in your vision, your ministry may not suffer this temporary setback because your wife would give you the strength others are denying you to excel.
Marriage is ultimately a personal thing. Marry the wrong person and be doomed. However, even if everybody says someone is wrong for you and the person turns out to be the right one for you, whatever happens, the home would be a haven of peace to always return to.
For this reason, insist on pleasing God and displeasing man. More often than not the things that please God are the very things that offend man.
As for leaving the church, it isn’t a decision for you to make. First ask God and allow Him to so direct you because leaving a place He has not asked you to leave comes with heavy consequences, some with very fatal results. As a man of God you should learn to exercise extreme patience and sensitivity to the things of the spirit to avoid costly but avoidable mistakes.
The way out is for you to continue to pray and to imbibe the spirit of obedience at all times even when the instructions appear very confusing. Remember, His ways are never ours so we cannot question Him on what He wants.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me resolve this riddle in my life. Three years ago, I got called by God, though on a part-time basis.
I head one of the most successful branches of one of the leading second generation banks in the Niger-Delta areas in the country.
I was 40-year-old two months back. Right from my secondary school days, I have never had problems attracting members of the opposite sex.
I had the looks every average woman wanted but one trend began early in my life, the girls came all right, but I always had difficulties keeping them for more than two months at a go.
Something would always come up to either make them terminate the relationship, or I walk out on them.
I didn’t attribute anything to it until in my later years when all my friends began to settle down. It became more obvious when my elder brother of about five years difference too was struggling to keep a relationship. Till date he too is unmarried and has no child to call his own, at the time when some of his friends had stopped childbirth.
Before I completely gave my life to Christ, somebody told my brother and I when we accompanied our eldest sister to the village that something was wrong with the males in our family.
He said my father was the only male in the family who managed to keep a home and that was because my mother was a very strong Christian before she died.
Naïvely we thought it was just a normal spell of bad luck because we were among the most read and successful in our village.
Things however became clearer when I became born-again. Severally, I have been told in several crusades I have attended that my paternal grandfather was the cause of the problems my brother and I were going through. He had three sons and none of their male children is presently married.
However, recently after several prayers, I had this revelation in which I saw my grandfather maltreating a woman who swore to deal with his male children.
While I was still thinking of how to handle this problem, I met a lady quite by accident. She had come to my bank to transact a business. Since it was huge, she was brought in to see me.
Somehow we got talking and became quite close. Although she told me she was into event managing, I later got to know what sort of events she was really managing. To my dismay, I discovered her real interest was supplying girls to rich public officers.
Being a Christian, I wanted to withdraw from her but something kept me back. She is 10 years younger than I am.
I tried introducing her to Christ. Although she didn’t reject me out-rightly but she hadn’t given up her lifestyle either. She smokes, drinks and still engages in sex with these men for money in addition to providing them with other girls.
The real reason, I want your help is this: my prayer partners recently told me while they were praying that a message came that I must marry this lady else I would never marry in my life.
Honestly, the issue is not whether or not for now to marry the lady but the attitude of the church. My district pastor, after my discussion with him on the matter said it would rub off on the church as well as my growth in the ministry negatively because of the reputation of the lady.
He said it would jeopardise the church if I as parish pastor end up marrying a woman who is publicly known as a prostitute. He gave me the ultimatum to either quit the leadership of the church or let go of whatever ambition I have to marry this lady.
Because of his attitude and to be sure of the situation of things, I had to take time off my work for a few days to be alone with God and to get confirmation from Him.
I actually got my answer on the first day of my programme. The message was clear: she is the woman meant for me and that I would be the one to change her. That it is only after I have done that successfully, I can only enjoy the immense benefit of being married to her. It was further revealed to me that marriage to any other woman would only end in ruins for me.
To ensure I was hearing and seeing the right things, I went for help from other men of God who also confirmed it.
Now the issue is this, how do I present this woman to my family? How do I convince the leadership of the church to change their mind about their decision? Where do I begin the process of building trust in her?
What do I even tell the lady? How do I handle her because she appears set in her ways? With the kind of money she is making from her business would she ever let go of it to settle down with me as a wife? I know I earn good money but when compared to what she rakes in a day, my salary is nothing.
Please help me. Having waited this long, I really want to get things right with God and man. I don’t also know whether to quit my present church and go elsewhere. I am really hurt and disappointed at the lack of support, guidance and understanding I deserve on this issue. Isn’t the church supposed to provide support for confused minds? If I, as a servant of God is this confused, how much more an ordinary man?
Lucky.
Dear Lucky,
If God has spoken on this issue, allow Him to do it His own way. There is no rushing His time or helping Him because He is neither too late nor too early but always on time.
At His own appointed time, He would iron out all rough edges.
Don’t forget, the choice of the lady for you, as a wife, is His. He knows why He is insisting you marry her and gave you the warning to exercise patience for now by giving her all the support she needs to change. Love is a tonic. It can change a whole lot of things. No matter how rich or tough a woman is, she still needs love and the presence of a man in her life makes her completely whole. Only a man can fully compliment a woman, bring about that deep satisfaction right inside of her, and tap into the essence of her total being. A woman who is secured in the love of a man can do anything for the man.
Once you are able to earn her trust, convincing her to accept you into her life permanently would naturally end her trade.
She knows that the moment she gives you her answer to be your woman, whatever businesses she is doing on the side with all these other men would have to stop. It is a natural process that needs no hard work to achieve once there is genuine love on your parts.
Usually, it comes to a point in a woman’s life especially, when money isn’t all that matters. She is 30 years of age. The time has come in her life when money alone cannot bring her the joy she really need in life. She may appear to be enjoying the power and affluence of her trade but a woman is never really happy when she wakes up each morning to the realisation that her biological clock isn’t a respecter of how much she has in the bank or influenced by the power she wields.
To be frank, she may not be happy at what she is doing and may be waiting for the right man to help bring about the peace and sanity she lost when she went into this line of business. Sleeping with different kinds of men, no matter how rich they are, isn’t the average woman’s idea of happiness and contentment.
Even if you are not being mandated by God to marry her, as a
Christian you owe it to the body of Christ to help put her on the right path. The same understanding you would have given her as her pastor is what is now required of you as a prospective husband.
You trusted in Jesus Christ, that is why you agreed to follow a man you have never met physically but only read about. This is the same unconditional trust that is now required of you to take on this woman as your wife. You just must trust in the words of God that have come through several sources including you, that she is the only woman for you. To get to the honey you must first get past the bees. You must first show her that you are capable of loving her unconditionally despite the evidences of her lifestyle to make her reciprocate positively in your life.
The quality of the foundation you offer her today is what she would give in years to come – that time when you would really need a supportive wife to build your ministry and life. The attitude of the church is only God’s way of preparing you for the future. Of telling you that, you need a strong home base to fight a battle successfully.
Your pastor and church aren’t in support of your situation because they don’t share in your vision. Whereas, if you have a wife at home who shares in your vision, your ministry may not suffer this temporary setback because your wife would give you the strength others are denying you to excel.
Marriage is ultimately a personal thing. Marry the wrong person and be doomed. However, even if everybody says someone is wrong for you and the person turns out to be the right one for you, whatever happens, the home would be a haven of peace to always return to.
For this reason, insist on pleasing God and displeasing man. More often than not the things that please God are the very things that offend man.
As for leaving the church, it isn’t a decision for you to make. First ask God and allow Him to so direct you because leaving a place He has not asked you to leave comes with heavy consequences, some with very fatal results. As a man of God you should learn to exercise extreme patience and sensitivity to the things of the spirit to avoid costly but avoidable mistakes.
The way out is for you to continue to pray and to imbibe the spirit of obedience at all times even when the instructions appear very confusing. Remember, His ways are never ours so we cannot question Him on what He wants.
Good luck.
Any veracity in the concept of ‘real love’?
Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to ask you if real love exists?
Peter.
Dear Peter,
Without love there is no life. The world derives its origin and strength from love.
Love is evident in all relationships of the world. It takes an element of love for two people to even become friends.
What are however different are the different hues love comes in as well as our understanding of what it is all about.
However for it to make meaning to us, it requires a thorough study as well as preparation.
Its preparation begins with us. What is our comprehension of love? Love begins by knowing what it is as well as application. There is no way you can give what you don’t have or something can come from nothing.
The foundation of a study of love comes from us applying it to ourselves. When you love yourself, know how you want to be treated by people around you, it makes you very sensitive to what others also expect from you.
Only people who are ignorant of love and its expectation go around life hurting others.
For love to bloom, it has to be properly founded on certain principles. It has to be enduring, selfless, supportive, caring, patient, tolerating, understanding, accommodating, humble, sensitive, respectful as well as responsible.
There is no way love can make you happy if premised on selfish foundation. A lot of time, love becomes a shade of pains and ugliness because the person professing it sees it as a self-serving emotion; in which case it becomes insensitive and disrespectful of the other person’s feelings as well as thoughts. Above all, the person must understand why God created love.
God created love for friendship and companionship. He knows that without friendship, love becomes nothing but an animalistic urge similar to what lesser animal experiences. This is why love is a spiritual thing. It has to first succeed at the spiritual level before it can work physically.
This is the mystery of love; why we love a particular person and prefer to be friends with another kind of person.
Having given us the knowledge of good and bad as well as ability to understanding our supremacy over all other creations; He gave love to help us to relax, shape the world and improve on our environment.
When love is properly applied, it helps create in the environment a deep friendship as well as a deep feeling of selflessness. This is why a person really in love is a very happy and contended person to deal with. The patience and tolerance to listen comes from the confidence of knowing that out there is someone who is very supportive as well as caring.
Love brings the baby in all of us out. It reminds of our dependency on others to make us whole. When true love exists it takes us back to our early happy years, those years when the support and presence of our parents gave us the confidence to do the impossible.
There is no way love can be celebrated without an accompanying determination to place the interest of the other person first. This is the kernel of love itself because it breeds loyalty and trust. Without both parties first making the sacrifice to accommodate the views and opinion of the other, it becomes difficult for both of them to appreciate why things should be done certain ways to accommodate the feelings of both of them.
This willingness is where the thread of respect comes into play. It has to be carefully patterned to make each member of the partnership relaxed and happy. If a thread is heavily patterned to favour one side, the delicate balance needed to harmonise the different personalities of the two parties becomes very difficult to attain.
Therefore for the two persons to have a sensible relationship, both of them must have the humility required to take in the other person’s view without feeling cheated or left behind.
So, for you to get the type of love you want, you must be ready to invest into it. You must give it your best by devoting time to the principle governing it.
If your understanding of love is only based on sex and materialism, chances are, you would continue to suffer pains and disappointment because only the wrong persons would come your way.
To help you appreciate love, first look at what your totally understanding of it. What values are most important to you when you are professing it? If your ideals are superficial, totally lacking in substance, chances of you being able to attract a partner with valuable substances would be slim because likes attract like minds.
Love only pays those who appreciate that it has a life of its own, operates on a principle of fairness as well as vision.
Before you fall in love again, ask yourself what you want from life, how you want to be treated and who do you think would help you best in achieving your dreams.
Quality love requires you to look inwards and not outwards. It is what we each have inside of us that last forever, not what we look like or have in life. Therefore you must be ready to dig deep by making all the initial sacrifices.
Most important is to allow the spirit of God help you in making the last choice because sometimes what we think is gold may indeed be tarnished object wrapped in gold. It takes only the grace of God to know who is real and fake.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to ask you if real love exists?
Peter.
Dear Peter,
Without love there is no life. The world derives its origin and strength from love.
Love is evident in all relationships of the world. It takes an element of love for two people to even become friends.
What are however different are the different hues love comes in as well as our understanding of what it is all about.
However for it to make meaning to us, it requires a thorough study as well as preparation.
Its preparation begins with us. What is our comprehension of love? Love begins by knowing what it is as well as application. There is no way you can give what you don’t have or something can come from nothing.
The foundation of a study of love comes from us applying it to ourselves. When you love yourself, know how you want to be treated by people around you, it makes you very sensitive to what others also expect from you.
Only people who are ignorant of love and its expectation go around life hurting others.
For love to bloom, it has to be properly founded on certain principles. It has to be enduring, selfless, supportive, caring, patient, tolerating, understanding, accommodating, humble, sensitive, respectful as well as responsible.
There is no way love can make you happy if premised on selfish foundation. A lot of time, love becomes a shade of pains and ugliness because the person professing it sees it as a self-serving emotion; in which case it becomes insensitive and disrespectful of the other person’s feelings as well as thoughts. Above all, the person must understand why God created love.
God created love for friendship and companionship. He knows that without friendship, love becomes nothing but an animalistic urge similar to what lesser animal experiences. This is why love is a spiritual thing. It has to first succeed at the spiritual level before it can work physically.
This is the mystery of love; why we love a particular person and prefer to be friends with another kind of person.
Having given us the knowledge of good and bad as well as ability to understanding our supremacy over all other creations; He gave love to help us to relax, shape the world and improve on our environment.
When love is properly applied, it helps create in the environment a deep friendship as well as a deep feeling of selflessness. This is why a person really in love is a very happy and contended person to deal with. The patience and tolerance to listen comes from the confidence of knowing that out there is someone who is very supportive as well as caring.
Love brings the baby in all of us out. It reminds of our dependency on others to make us whole. When true love exists it takes us back to our early happy years, those years when the support and presence of our parents gave us the confidence to do the impossible.
There is no way love can be celebrated without an accompanying determination to place the interest of the other person first. This is the kernel of love itself because it breeds loyalty and trust. Without both parties first making the sacrifice to accommodate the views and opinion of the other, it becomes difficult for both of them to appreciate why things should be done certain ways to accommodate the feelings of both of them.
This willingness is where the thread of respect comes into play. It has to be carefully patterned to make each member of the partnership relaxed and happy. If a thread is heavily patterned to favour one side, the delicate balance needed to harmonise the different personalities of the two parties becomes very difficult to attain.
Therefore for the two persons to have a sensible relationship, both of them must have the humility required to take in the other person’s view without feeling cheated or left behind.
So, for you to get the type of love you want, you must be ready to invest into it. You must give it your best by devoting time to the principle governing it.
If your understanding of love is only based on sex and materialism, chances are, you would continue to suffer pains and disappointment because only the wrong persons would come your way.
To help you appreciate love, first look at what your totally understanding of it. What values are most important to you when you are professing it? If your ideals are superficial, totally lacking in substance, chances of you being able to attract a partner with valuable substances would be slim because likes attract like minds.
Love only pays those who appreciate that it has a life of its own, operates on a principle of fairness as well as vision.
Before you fall in love again, ask yourself what you want from life, how you want to be treated and who do you think would help you best in achieving your dreams.
Quality love requires you to look inwards and not outwards. It is what we each have inside of us that last forever, not what we look like or have in life. Therefore you must be ready to dig deep by making all the initial sacrifices.
Most important is to allow the spirit of God help you in making the last choice because sometimes what we think is gold may indeed be tarnished object wrapped in gold. It takes only the grace of God to know who is real and fake.
Good luck.
She’s engaged, yet I’m crazy for her
Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I so much appreciate how you solve people’s problems. It is only God that will reward you.
I am seriously in love with a girl that has a fiancé she told me about from the beginning. I still decided to pursue my relationship with her because of the love I have for her.
But I am increasingly becoming jealous of the other man in her life especially as he has proposed to her. She told me she has accepted his proposal. The whole thing is too emotional for me to handle.
Although I have made up my mind to forget everything about her and the man, but I am finding it very difficult standing by that decision. No girl seems to have the power to attract my attention.
Agatha, I need your help, because any time I see her I feel like dying.
Emey.
Dear Emey,
You are the architect of your present predicament. Why on earth would you still go ahead with a woman who confessed having another man in her life?
Try putting yourself in the other man’s position. How would you feel if she were your fiancée?
What you did wasn’t right. Even though the girl’s conduct calls to question her moral values and ability to keep faith with her man, the fact remains that you shouldn’t have encouraged her to be unfaithful knowing that a woman you fall in love with is also capable of treating your love with similar disdain.
What goes around always have a way of coming around! Relationship should be premised on faithfulness and loyalty to one’s partner no matter the condition. Egging her on to break her oath of allegiance to her man due to your own selfish reasons has its drawback and could also creep in on you when you are most happy. Would you have still insisted she dated you if they were legally married? So why didn’t you allow her be when she told you about her man?
If you had you would have since found that special woman to give you the type of happiness you want. What you have done to yourself is to waste precious time on a woman who doesn’t understand the complete essence of being in love and having a relationship.
Deep inside is that the type of woman you really want? One you are not sure would be faithful to you; who could be having an affair behind you? Look deeper, is she really worth your tears and pains? Is she really the type of woman capable of making you happy? Would you at the end have been happy being with her?
So it isn’t just a matter of you finding the right kind of woman but also that of knowing precisely what you want in life.
Sincerely, your desire for a woman is still premature. Until you sit back to study your own needs, your desires for yourself as well as the type of woman to help you attain such dreams, you may end up again with the wrong kind of woman.
Relationship is like writing an examination. Only adequate and intelligent investment of time into the process of preparation can procure the right kind of results. Without you first helping to point yourself at the direction to go, you risk coming up with a choice that would further disillusion you about love altogether.
You took a gamble on love and it failed you. Despite the propriety of the merits of your relationship with her, you must be hurting from all these and seeing her often with the other man would for now bring back painful memories of your loss.
Move away, even if temporarily from the environment you both shared. One of the greatest emotions to handle in life is that of love gone sour. The pains are always deep, sharp and enduring. You need the help of another kind of love, those of your loved ones to help neutralise the pains of today. Seeing her and mourning the love you would have shared with her may make it difficult for you to focus on yourself and another woman.
However, it is important you beg for forgiveness from God to avert the greater pains of another man doing what you did to this other man. He may not have been aware of your relationship with his woman but God is.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I so much appreciate how you solve people’s problems. It is only God that will reward you.
I am seriously in love with a girl that has a fiancé she told me about from the beginning. I still decided to pursue my relationship with her because of the love I have for her.
But I am increasingly becoming jealous of the other man in her life especially as he has proposed to her. She told me she has accepted his proposal. The whole thing is too emotional for me to handle.
Although I have made up my mind to forget everything about her and the man, but I am finding it very difficult standing by that decision. No girl seems to have the power to attract my attention.
Agatha, I need your help, because any time I see her I feel like dying.
Emey.
Dear Emey,
You are the architect of your present predicament. Why on earth would you still go ahead with a woman who confessed having another man in her life?
Try putting yourself in the other man’s position. How would you feel if she were your fiancée?
What you did wasn’t right. Even though the girl’s conduct calls to question her moral values and ability to keep faith with her man, the fact remains that you shouldn’t have encouraged her to be unfaithful knowing that a woman you fall in love with is also capable of treating your love with similar disdain.
What goes around always have a way of coming around! Relationship should be premised on faithfulness and loyalty to one’s partner no matter the condition. Egging her on to break her oath of allegiance to her man due to your own selfish reasons has its drawback and could also creep in on you when you are most happy. Would you have still insisted she dated you if they were legally married? So why didn’t you allow her be when she told you about her man?
If you had you would have since found that special woman to give you the type of happiness you want. What you have done to yourself is to waste precious time on a woman who doesn’t understand the complete essence of being in love and having a relationship.
Deep inside is that the type of woman you really want? One you are not sure would be faithful to you; who could be having an affair behind you? Look deeper, is she really worth your tears and pains? Is she really the type of woman capable of making you happy? Would you at the end have been happy being with her?
So it isn’t just a matter of you finding the right kind of woman but also that of knowing precisely what you want in life.
Sincerely, your desire for a woman is still premature. Until you sit back to study your own needs, your desires for yourself as well as the type of woman to help you attain such dreams, you may end up again with the wrong kind of woman.
Relationship is like writing an examination. Only adequate and intelligent investment of time into the process of preparation can procure the right kind of results. Without you first helping to point yourself at the direction to go, you risk coming up with a choice that would further disillusion you about love altogether.
You took a gamble on love and it failed you. Despite the propriety of the merits of your relationship with her, you must be hurting from all these and seeing her often with the other man would for now bring back painful memories of your loss.
Move away, even if temporarily from the environment you both shared. One of the greatest emotions to handle in life is that of love gone sour. The pains are always deep, sharp and enduring. You need the help of another kind of love, those of your loved ones to help neutralise the pains of today. Seeing her and mourning the love you would have shared with her may make it difficult for you to focus on yourself and another woman.
However, it is important you beg for forgiveness from God to avert the greater pains of another man doing what you did to this other man. He may not have been aware of your relationship with his woman but God is.
Good luck.
Re: She wants wedding
Share a problem With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I must say I bless God for using you to solve our problems since there is no greater job on earth than service to humanity. I pray God bless the work of your hands.
The above is the title of the initial letter I sent and your advice, which I applied. I called and asked her to tell me what her fears are. She said the age difference is too close, which I find very disturbing. Her other worry has to do with her parents who were transferred to my state, some years ago.
They built a house in my Local Government Area and work there. However, they don’t want their daughter marrying anybody from my state or the east for that matter.
I am surprised because her parents are both educated. Last week, I called to know her final decision from our discussion. She told me she plans to settle down next year whenever a man proposes to her or asks her out. I thought I could be patient but it seems with every passing day, I am fighting a lost battle.
I realise she is a woman and time is not a friend to women, but don’t you think something is not right here? She’ll be 23 and so desperate to settle down. I sent her your recent article, ‘Marriage: An institution no man graduates’. It’s really hard for me because all my dreams and plans are around the wonderful family and life I plan to have with her.
Again, you advised that when we get married we can still achieve a lot of things, but at 25, I am studying abroad and depend on my people for money.
Even when I finish next year, I still have to serve before looking for a job, that is, if I don’t further my study immediately.
Honestly, I love this girl so very much and was under the impression that she felt the same way about me, a fact I am beginning to doubt.
If she was able to stay for five years, why is she so much in a hurry when she knows I will be back next year?
I wish her luck in her search but it has not been easy for me and my examination comes up in January. I am not a bad loser, but it hurts badly knowing that one day, the woman I so much cherish and adore, would be walking down the aisle with another man is killing me gradually.
She noticed that I am trying to withdraw from her. I am really devastated because she cannot wait for me to succeed. Please, Agatha, help me to handle this.
How do I forget her? How do I go about it? And if you think I should hold on, where do I start?
Troubled Mind.
Dear Troubled Mind,
There is always a time and season for everything in life. In life, unless one is wise and determined enough to give each season its due recognition and attention, chances are such a person would end up in regrets. You have spent valuable time, energy, and resources preparing for this moment. Your immediate task is to concentrate on passing your examinations. All your years in abroad, money spent on your education as well as your efforts would be a complete waste if you don’t come out successfully in this examination.
The challenge before you now isn’t for your heart but your life. Once you are able to make the decision to concentrate on your passing your examinations, the issue of your heart will fall into place.
Granted, you love her but it would be a fatal mistake to love anyone at the expense of your life, which is exactly what you would be doing if you don’t pull yourself together instantly and focus on reading for your final examinations.
This is the important phase of your life. Your happiness and success as a man is tied to what you make of this important time in your life. While you can fall in love again, it might not be easy for you to have this opportunity again. Remember, time waits for no one.
From all you have said, you and this lady may really not be destined for each other. Having taken the steps of talking to her, give her the space to do what she wants. It will be on record that you did your best to preserve the relationship and that you didn’t disappointment her.
She has her reasons for wanting to get married this early in life and like you rightly observed, there are things you still have to do, put in place before you can be any woman’s husband. Failure to properly plan your life will definitely affect you later in life especially if the children begin to come before you found your feet. If she cannot understand and appreciate the essence of planning now, she never will.
Marriage is more than two of you walking down the aisle; it takes a lot more to get it started. The fun and illusion end with both of you signing the dotted lines. Reality begins almost immediately. If as a man, you are unable to provide her with some measure of comfort and secure her daily means, you risk losing her respect as well as of her family.
On your shoulders as the man lies the responsibility of providing for the family you intend to start with her. Do you think you have all that it takes to be her husband?
Chances are that even if you succeed in making her change her mind now, she may not have the needed patient at the end of the day to wait for you to be ready for marriage.
This is why you must think deeply. Ideally, she should be by your side now that you are preparing for your final examinations, but if she has decided to become impatient, allow her be to give you the peace of mind to study and pass your examinations.
Besides, you need the concentration to avoid remembering her. Chances are by the time you are finished with your examinations, you may have forgotten how much she has hurt you.
Her attitude has given you a good reason to evaluate your relationship vis-Ã -vis your outlook to life. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be in love with the right person. Do you think she has what it takes to give you the kind of support to make you happy at the end of the day?
In addition, how well do you know the nature of this woman? Don’t forget that, she cannot be the same woman you knew five years ago. Both of you have understandably matured, developed new views about life as well as acquired new values.
She may look the same, but deep inside her, she certainly cannot be the woman you left five years ago. New friends and life would have coloured her life differently from the way she was when you left. Just like you too would have changed from the man you were.
If you decide to stay on in the relationship, there is the need for both of you to really talk about the growth of the relationship. This may be the real challenge in your relationship. Your five years apart have definitely left lots of mysteries, issues in your relationship.
Even though both of you communicate everyday on the phone, but in more ways than you both realise, you have become strangers to each other. Unless both of you get together to talk, you may not be able to achieve the kind of results you want. No matter how well you try, the phone isn’t the right medium to communicate certain personal fears, the kind difficult to put a name to.
Only a personal contact would reveal the kind of fear she has for the future between the two of you. If you can prevail on her, urge her to stay action on her decision until you come back to the country. Your personal presence may resolve so many of these issues she and her parents are brewing.
If her parents are sceptical about you, it is only natural because you remain a figment of their daughter’s imagination. Seeing you may make them change their minds about you.
She is listening to her parents because you are not around and doesn’t know if you are serious about everything you are telling her on the phone. The fear of being left in the cold may account for her behaviour.
If you think she is the right woman for you and that no woman will ever be good enough for you, appeal to her to wait for you and that if after you come back, she feels she still wants to go, you will give her your blessings.
All you have to do is have an open mind and trust God to do what is best for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I must say I bless God for using you to solve our problems since there is no greater job on earth than service to humanity. I pray God bless the work of your hands.
The above is the title of the initial letter I sent and your advice, which I applied. I called and asked her to tell me what her fears are. She said the age difference is too close, which I find very disturbing. Her other worry has to do with her parents who were transferred to my state, some years ago.
They built a house in my Local Government Area and work there. However, they don’t want their daughter marrying anybody from my state or the east for that matter.
I am surprised because her parents are both educated. Last week, I called to know her final decision from our discussion. She told me she plans to settle down next year whenever a man proposes to her or asks her out. I thought I could be patient but it seems with every passing day, I am fighting a lost battle.
I realise she is a woman and time is not a friend to women, but don’t you think something is not right here? She’ll be 23 and so desperate to settle down. I sent her your recent article, ‘Marriage: An institution no man graduates’. It’s really hard for me because all my dreams and plans are around the wonderful family and life I plan to have with her.
Again, you advised that when we get married we can still achieve a lot of things, but at 25, I am studying abroad and depend on my people for money.
Even when I finish next year, I still have to serve before looking for a job, that is, if I don’t further my study immediately.
Honestly, I love this girl so very much and was under the impression that she felt the same way about me, a fact I am beginning to doubt.
If she was able to stay for five years, why is she so much in a hurry when she knows I will be back next year?
I wish her luck in her search but it has not been easy for me and my examination comes up in January. I am not a bad loser, but it hurts badly knowing that one day, the woman I so much cherish and adore, would be walking down the aisle with another man is killing me gradually.
She noticed that I am trying to withdraw from her. I am really devastated because she cannot wait for me to succeed. Please, Agatha, help me to handle this.
How do I forget her? How do I go about it? And if you think I should hold on, where do I start?
Troubled Mind.
Dear Troubled Mind,
There is always a time and season for everything in life. In life, unless one is wise and determined enough to give each season its due recognition and attention, chances are such a person would end up in regrets. You have spent valuable time, energy, and resources preparing for this moment. Your immediate task is to concentrate on passing your examinations. All your years in abroad, money spent on your education as well as your efforts would be a complete waste if you don’t come out successfully in this examination.
The challenge before you now isn’t for your heart but your life. Once you are able to make the decision to concentrate on your passing your examinations, the issue of your heart will fall into place.
Granted, you love her but it would be a fatal mistake to love anyone at the expense of your life, which is exactly what you would be doing if you don’t pull yourself together instantly and focus on reading for your final examinations.
This is the important phase of your life. Your happiness and success as a man is tied to what you make of this important time in your life. While you can fall in love again, it might not be easy for you to have this opportunity again. Remember, time waits for no one.
From all you have said, you and this lady may really not be destined for each other. Having taken the steps of talking to her, give her the space to do what she wants. It will be on record that you did your best to preserve the relationship and that you didn’t disappointment her.
She has her reasons for wanting to get married this early in life and like you rightly observed, there are things you still have to do, put in place before you can be any woman’s husband. Failure to properly plan your life will definitely affect you later in life especially if the children begin to come before you found your feet. If she cannot understand and appreciate the essence of planning now, she never will.
Marriage is more than two of you walking down the aisle; it takes a lot more to get it started. The fun and illusion end with both of you signing the dotted lines. Reality begins almost immediately. If as a man, you are unable to provide her with some measure of comfort and secure her daily means, you risk losing her respect as well as of her family.
On your shoulders as the man lies the responsibility of providing for the family you intend to start with her. Do you think you have all that it takes to be her husband?
Chances are that even if you succeed in making her change her mind now, she may not have the needed patient at the end of the day to wait for you to be ready for marriage.
This is why you must think deeply. Ideally, she should be by your side now that you are preparing for your final examinations, but if she has decided to become impatient, allow her be to give you the peace of mind to study and pass your examinations.
Besides, you need the concentration to avoid remembering her. Chances are by the time you are finished with your examinations, you may have forgotten how much she has hurt you.
Her attitude has given you a good reason to evaluate your relationship vis-Ã -vis your outlook to life. One thing is to be in love another thing is to be in love with the right person. Do you think she has what it takes to give you the kind of support to make you happy at the end of the day?
In addition, how well do you know the nature of this woman? Don’t forget that, she cannot be the same woman you knew five years ago. Both of you have understandably matured, developed new views about life as well as acquired new values.
She may look the same, but deep inside her, she certainly cannot be the woman you left five years ago. New friends and life would have coloured her life differently from the way she was when you left. Just like you too would have changed from the man you were.
If you decide to stay on in the relationship, there is the need for both of you to really talk about the growth of the relationship. This may be the real challenge in your relationship. Your five years apart have definitely left lots of mysteries, issues in your relationship.
Even though both of you communicate everyday on the phone, but in more ways than you both realise, you have become strangers to each other. Unless both of you get together to talk, you may not be able to achieve the kind of results you want. No matter how well you try, the phone isn’t the right medium to communicate certain personal fears, the kind difficult to put a name to.
Only a personal contact would reveal the kind of fear she has for the future between the two of you. If you can prevail on her, urge her to stay action on her decision until you come back to the country. Your personal presence may resolve so many of these issues she and her parents are brewing.
If her parents are sceptical about you, it is only natural because you remain a figment of their daughter’s imagination. Seeing you may make them change their minds about you.
She is listening to her parents because you are not around and doesn’t know if you are serious about everything you are telling her on the phone. The fear of being left in the cold may account for her behaviour.
If you think she is the right woman for you and that no woman will ever be good enough for you, appeal to her to wait for you and that if after you come back, she feels she still wants to go, you will give her your blessings.
All you have to do is have an open mind and trust God to do what is best for you.
Good luck.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
My fear mounts as lesbianism lurks
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear agatha,
I am a young lady that finds pleasure in the company of other women than men. I discover I actually get excited when a woman is very close to me.
Recently, I found myself in a room with a friend of mine, and one thing led to another. We began to make love. I really enjoyed it while it lasted, but I felt bad afterwards because the act went against everything I was brought up with.
I am not proud of myself. Is there a way out of it? Can I be normal again? Can have the same feelings for members of the opposite sex as I have for my fellow women?
Please Agatha, I urgently need your help before I embarrass myself any further than I have done.
Already, the lady I was intimate with is putting too much pressure on me. Please help me.
Lily.
Dear Lily,
You are the only one that can help yourself overcome this urge. It is a matter of determination. Once you are resolute, there is always a way out.
For now, avoid the lady you were intimate with. You have to put a lot of distance between the two of you at least until you are strong enough to resist her overtures.
What you have to do is to stay very close to God who is the only one that can help you fight your abnormal urges.
When next the urges come strongly, avoid being among women especially the ones you have feelings for. Keep your distance from them and concentrate on fighting all the strange urges inside of you.
It has also become necessary for you to have a responsible man in your life whose presence would help you fight these urges. You don’t have to sleep with him; his presence is enough to help expose you to the natural way God designed it between a man and woman.
To get him to understand where you are coming from, tell him the truth about yourself. This is to make him grow the kind of understanding and compassion you need to overcome this phase of your life.
Only a man who understands your challenge can really offer you the kind of patience and friendship you need at this point in time.
Although it isn’t going to be easy but as long as you are determined to disengage from the habit, you will win at the end of the day.
Good luck.
Dear agatha,
I am a young lady that finds pleasure in the company of other women than men. I discover I actually get excited when a woman is very close to me.
Recently, I found myself in a room with a friend of mine, and one thing led to another. We began to make love. I really enjoyed it while it lasted, but I felt bad afterwards because the act went against everything I was brought up with.
I am not proud of myself. Is there a way out of it? Can I be normal again? Can have the same feelings for members of the opposite sex as I have for my fellow women?
Please Agatha, I urgently need your help before I embarrass myself any further than I have done.
Already, the lady I was intimate with is putting too much pressure on me. Please help me.
Lily.
Dear Lily,
You are the only one that can help yourself overcome this urge. It is a matter of determination. Once you are resolute, there is always a way out.
For now, avoid the lady you were intimate with. You have to put a lot of distance between the two of you at least until you are strong enough to resist her overtures.
What you have to do is to stay very close to God who is the only one that can help you fight your abnormal urges.
When next the urges come strongly, avoid being among women especially the ones you have feelings for. Keep your distance from them and concentrate on fighting all the strange urges inside of you.
It has also become necessary for you to have a responsible man in your life whose presence would help you fight these urges. You don’t have to sleep with him; his presence is enough to help expose you to the natural way God designed it between a man and woman.
To get him to understand where you are coming from, tell him the truth about yourself. This is to make him grow the kind of understanding and compassion you need to overcome this phase of your life.
Only a man who understands your challenge can really offer you the kind of patience and friendship you need at this point in time.
Although it isn’t going to be easy but as long as you are determined to disengage from the habit, you will win at the end of the day.
Good luck.
He’s in love with his cousin
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
What should they do?
Arms
Dear Arms,
In some cultures, it is forbidden while in other cultures it isn’t such a big deal especially as they are second cousins.
Impress it on your friends to first of all investigate their culture, find out what is forbidden and what isn’t. They should also bring the relationship into the open by discussing their feelings with their family members.
It is only after they have weighed all the options, family ties and customs of their different people that they can make a decision on whether it would work out or not.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
What should they do?
Arms
Dear Arms,
In some cultures, it is forbidden while in other cultures it isn’t such a big deal especially as they are second cousins.
Impress it on your friends to first of all investigate their culture, find out what is forbidden and what isn’t. They should also bring the relationship into the open by discussing their feelings with their family members.
It is only after they have weighed all the options, family ties and customs of their different people that they can make a decision on whether it would work out or not.
Good luck.
How do I say I don’t love her again?
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for the kind assistance you render to people and I pray your labour of love would be rewarded here on earth and also in the world to come.
I had a girl I was dating during my school days, but the relationship was not based on love, but lust instead.
Before I knew the inherent danger of such a relationship, she has aborted twice for me. She is currently undergoing her Higher National Diploma (HND) programme, while I am working with one of the biggest banks in Nigeria.
I am also an HND graduate. I read Secretarial Administration.
There is this lady I was once interested in, but due to my unserious attitude I lost her. Way back then, I knew she liked me but I just couldn’t be bothered.
However we are together now and frankly speaking I have found peace, joy, and love in her. She is an SSCE holder. She has written the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination severally without success, hence her decision to go to a catering school.
The main problem now is that I have decided to settle down with this lady but I have a girlfriend in school that has introduced me to her parents as well as her pastor. To make matter worse is the fact that I am the first man she has brought home to her parents and family. She is 26.
In fairness to her she has not offended me in anyway. It is just that I find so much peace and joy being with this other girl who is 24 years of age.
I know from my responses on the phone, the one in school knows there is something wrong, but I haven’t been able to tell her I have made up my mind to terminate the relationship with her.
Agatha, how do I tell her of my intentions to end my relationship with her? What do I do? I love the second girl with all my heart. My parents are worried and afraid not knowing what I am doing. I plan to get married next year, but how do I discharge the schoolgirl? I don’t want any curse in my life in the future.
Please Agatha, I really need your help.
Everyday, I pray for God’s intervention because marriage is a more serious business than many think. I don’t want to be like Samson, John Wesley, and Solomon, who despite their greatness were destroyed by the women in their lives.
Agatha, please tell me how to tell this girl in school who would be coming home soon that I am no longer interested in continuing the relationship with her?
Maxwell.
Dear Maxwell,
It is always better to err on the side of honesty than to err on the side of deceits and lies. There is no contesting the fact that your school based girlfriend would feel bad about this development in your relationship, but having deceived her enough, be very bold enough to tell her the truth concerning the status of your relationship with her.
That she has introduced you to her parents and pastor should not stop you from telling her the truth about your new feelings towards her. It is only when you both derive joy being together that your family would be happy. Her family would only support a union that guarantees the peace and happiness of their child.
Having made up your mind to marry this other girl, it would be pointless to continue to hold on to someone you admit isn’t giving you the type of happiness you want.
Your conclusion of being happier with another woman might not make complete sense to her, given the fact that at one time you gave her the impression that she was the most important woman in your life, but it should not stop you from dealing with the situation you have both found yourselves.
She deserves your unconditional apology because you betrayed her by going outside your relationship with her to commence something new with another woman. It doesn’t matter if this second woman is giving you so much joy or not, what is important and crucial is your disloyalty to your girlfriend in school.
What you should have done from the beginning was to have first terminated the relationship with her before going into this new one. In a way, you have also being deceiving this other girl who probably thinks she is the only woman in your life.
For you must have made up your mind on marrying her, and the relationship must have been on for sometime. How do you think she would react if she gets to find out that while you were giving her all the promises in the world, part of your heart was in the bank of another woman’s heart?
You have unwittingly dug for yourself a very delicate hole, which you need tact and very clear honesty to firm up. It is for this reason you must urgently deal with this situation before you lose the one you love in the process of being afraid to face up your past.
Since there is nothing that can compensate for the truth, begin by confessing to your present girlfriend first. She, like the other girl, deserves to know the truth. You may not see the need to tell her, but it is important she knows, because should complications occur in your handling of the other woman, you would need the support of your woman to move from the point you are now with the other woman.
But if you don’t tell her and she gets to know when the matter has become completely messy and out of hand, it would be difficult for you to get her to support your move and story. By then she might not be interested in hearing your story as she would now.
Besides hearing it from you would lessen the pains and sense of betrayal that come from hearing such things from a third party. Naturally she won’t be happy knowing that all along you have someone else in your life, but knowing what it has cost you to tell her the truth, she would forgive you easily and stand by you should the other lady decide to make his desire to end the relationship difficult.
After securing the support of your girlfriend, call for an appointment with your school based friend to tell her everything. Begin also by first apologising to her and giving her assurances that she hasn’t done anything to warrant your leaving her for another woman. This point is important to free her to be able to love and trust another man.
Make the reason for your choice very clear to her. Let her know that much as you would have liked to be with her, the reality of your feelings for her and your comprehension of what the marriage institution stands for make it difficult for you to continue with her. And that even if you force yourself to marry her as planned; the possibility of you giving her the type of marriage and life she deserves to be completely happy as a woman is nil, because the inherent joy and peace she needs to function in your life and home would never be there from your end.
She may not readily understand and appreciate what you are trying to pass on to her, but overtime when the pains of what appears now to be betrayal subsides, she would be glad you took the bold decision to leave her.
To make sure you are heading for a peaceful and happy marriage with this other woman, there is still the need to further subject your choice to the approval of God through fervent prayers because there is more to getting married and remaining married.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for the kind assistance you render to people and I pray your labour of love would be rewarded here on earth and also in the world to come.
I had a girl I was dating during my school days, but the relationship was not based on love, but lust instead.
Before I knew the inherent danger of such a relationship, she has aborted twice for me. She is currently undergoing her Higher National Diploma (HND) programme, while I am working with one of the biggest banks in Nigeria.
I am also an HND graduate. I read Secretarial Administration.
There is this lady I was once interested in, but due to my unserious attitude I lost her. Way back then, I knew she liked me but I just couldn’t be bothered.
However we are together now and frankly speaking I have found peace, joy, and love in her. She is an SSCE holder. She has written the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination severally without success, hence her decision to go to a catering school.
The main problem now is that I have decided to settle down with this lady but I have a girlfriend in school that has introduced me to her parents as well as her pastor. To make matter worse is the fact that I am the first man she has brought home to her parents and family. She is 26.
In fairness to her she has not offended me in anyway. It is just that I find so much peace and joy being with this other girl who is 24 years of age.
I know from my responses on the phone, the one in school knows there is something wrong, but I haven’t been able to tell her I have made up my mind to terminate the relationship with her.
Agatha, how do I tell her of my intentions to end my relationship with her? What do I do? I love the second girl with all my heart. My parents are worried and afraid not knowing what I am doing. I plan to get married next year, but how do I discharge the schoolgirl? I don’t want any curse in my life in the future.
Please Agatha, I really need your help.
Everyday, I pray for God’s intervention because marriage is a more serious business than many think. I don’t want to be like Samson, John Wesley, and Solomon, who despite their greatness were destroyed by the women in their lives.
Agatha, please tell me how to tell this girl in school who would be coming home soon that I am no longer interested in continuing the relationship with her?
Maxwell.
Dear Maxwell,
It is always better to err on the side of honesty than to err on the side of deceits and lies. There is no contesting the fact that your school based girlfriend would feel bad about this development in your relationship, but having deceived her enough, be very bold enough to tell her the truth concerning the status of your relationship with her.
That she has introduced you to her parents and pastor should not stop you from telling her the truth about your new feelings towards her. It is only when you both derive joy being together that your family would be happy. Her family would only support a union that guarantees the peace and happiness of their child.
Having made up your mind to marry this other girl, it would be pointless to continue to hold on to someone you admit isn’t giving you the type of happiness you want.
Your conclusion of being happier with another woman might not make complete sense to her, given the fact that at one time you gave her the impression that she was the most important woman in your life, but it should not stop you from dealing with the situation you have both found yourselves.
She deserves your unconditional apology because you betrayed her by going outside your relationship with her to commence something new with another woman. It doesn’t matter if this second woman is giving you so much joy or not, what is important and crucial is your disloyalty to your girlfriend in school.
What you should have done from the beginning was to have first terminated the relationship with her before going into this new one. In a way, you have also being deceiving this other girl who probably thinks she is the only woman in your life.
For you must have made up your mind on marrying her, and the relationship must have been on for sometime. How do you think she would react if she gets to find out that while you were giving her all the promises in the world, part of your heart was in the bank of another woman’s heart?
You have unwittingly dug for yourself a very delicate hole, which you need tact and very clear honesty to firm up. It is for this reason you must urgently deal with this situation before you lose the one you love in the process of being afraid to face up your past.
Since there is nothing that can compensate for the truth, begin by confessing to your present girlfriend first. She, like the other girl, deserves to know the truth. You may not see the need to tell her, but it is important she knows, because should complications occur in your handling of the other woman, you would need the support of your woman to move from the point you are now with the other woman.
But if you don’t tell her and she gets to know when the matter has become completely messy and out of hand, it would be difficult for you to get her to support your move and story. By then she might not be interested in hearing your story as she would now.
Besides hearing it from you would lessen the pains and sense of betrayal that come from hearing such things from a third party. Naturally she won’t be happy knowing that all along you have someone else in your life, but knowing what it has cost you to tell her the truth, she would forgive you easily and stand by you should the other lady decide to make his desire to end the relationship difficult.
After securing the support of your girlfriend, call for an appointment with your school based friend to tell her everything. Begin also by first apologising to her and giving her assurances that she hasn’t done anything to warrant your leaving her for another woman. This point is important to free her to be able to love and trust another man.
Make the reason for your choice very clear to her. Let her know that much as you would have liked to be with her, the reality of your feelings for her and your comprehension of what the marriage institution stands for make it difficult for you to continue with her. And that even if you force yourself to marry her as planned; the possibility of you giving her the type of marriage and life she deserves to be completely happy as a woman is nil, because the inherent joy and peace she needs to function in your life and home would never be there from your end.
She may not readily understand and appreciate what you are trying to pass on to her, but overtime when the pains of what appears now to be betrayal subsides, she would be glad you took the bold decision to leave her.
To make sure you are heading for a peaceful and happy marriage with this other woman, there is still the need to further subject your choice to the approval of God through fervent prayers because there is more to getting married and remaining married.
Good luck.
Help! My husband is very stingy
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money, always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money.
The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work too and that since I don’t spend my money on his children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family.
Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment.
I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so.
A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more treating his mother. When I pointed out his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will (being her only child).
I can go on citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law.
The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house.
I feel I am entitled more than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me.
Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members.
Chy.
Dear Chy,
Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than his person. By the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything, his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death.
Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise that, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage.
If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you through their stories every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands.
Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home.
Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons?
Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would.
Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes.
It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities.
Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage.
Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you.
You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do?
Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring.
Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret, complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real.
Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It’s either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong.
If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues.
There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes.
Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money, always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money.
The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work too and that since I don’t spend my money on his children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family.
Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment.
I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so.
A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more treating his mother. When I pointed out his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will (being her only child).
I can go on citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law.
The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house.
I feel I am entitled more than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me.
Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members.
Chy.
Dear Chy,
Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than his person. By the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything, his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death.
Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise that, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage.
If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you through their stories every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands.
Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home.
Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons?
Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would.
Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes.
It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities.
Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage.
Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you.
You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do?
Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring.
Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret, complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real.
Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It’s either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong.
If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues.
There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes.
Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man.
Good luck.
My hubby wants me in trousers, jewellery
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. My husband who professes to be a christian, as a matter of fact, an assistant pastor, wants me to wear trousers, body hugging clothes, jewellery, sexy blouses, perm my hairs as well as wear trendy underwares.
These things are against my beliefs because I grew up in a home where these things are forbidden. My parents were members of the Scripture Union. Throughtout my university days, I resisted the temptation to follow trends because my father from an early age told me that only wayward women put on trousers or wear jewellery. He said these things were from the devil, specifically the water spirit herself.
We got married three years ago and I have noticed that he isn’t always comfortable with me. I married him because I thought he actually liked me the way I am, but I am beginning to doubt that these days.
I know that while we were dating, he made attempts to persuade me to change my way of dressing, but soon gave up when I told him I wasn’t ready to change from what I have always been.
I really thought he was okay by my explanation and was really glad when he became an assistant pastor. But now, I am not so sure. I have also noticed that he is keeping his distance from me these days, seems to prefer the company of other people than mine.
He also complains about everything I do these days, including dressing our daughter in clothes he doesn’t like.
I love him more than anything else in the world, but I cannot change from who I have always been. I am 32 years of age. I consider myself too old to make that change he wants me to make. Besides, how do I explain to my friends from my youth and family the new me?
I have tried everything I know to make him change but he is being so unreasonable and adamant.
What do I do, Agatha? The Bible says it is wrong for a woman to wear trousers, do I obey my husband or stick to what the Bible says?
Yeniola.
Dear Yeniola,
The Bible calls the man the head of the home and mandates the woman to give him every respect and support deserving of his position. The Bible conceives the man as the crown of the woman therefore it follows she must do everything within her power to ensure it stays firm and well balanced on her head.
From Genesis to Revelation, obedience remains the bond of relationship between God and man. It remains the number one commandment that is why God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Without it, no organisation in the world would work, especially the marriage institution.
Everywhere in the world, the different doctrines and religions preach the man as being the head of the home; hence his words and desires are laws. No matter the position a woman occupies or her family background, the law of God and man demands total submission to the wishes of her husband.
Therefore, your father’s laws or his desires cannot override that of your husband whose name you now answer to. If you cannot respect your husband, the man God has ordained to be your crown, it follows you cannot honour God. It is a simple case of outright disobedience to the ways and directives of God.
Coming down to simple logic, who is asking you to change your ways? Is it not the man who married you, the one man you swore to before God and man, to honour, respect, obey, love all the days of your life? Who will you be wearing those clothes for, he or other men? Why did you get married? And what were you told to do to have a happy and fulfilled home by your parents? Did your father or mother tell you at any point in your life that you should disobey your husband? Deep down, do you think your mother would have lasted the length of time in your father’s house were she a disobedient wife?
As a pastor’s wife, how would you handle this kind of issue if a female member of the church comes to you for help? Would you ask her to ignore the wishes of her husband or listen to him to protect her home?
One other point you should consider is how you would feel in the long run, if your husband decides to look another woman’s way. Don’t think being an assistant pastor stops him from feeling all the things other men feel or going through temptations. If prominent men of God have fallen to the lure women represent, there is limit to what he can do without help from you.
The first help he is asking you is to help him fight the pull of the flesh by dressing attractively. Your husband knows his own weak points and is asking, appealing to you as his wife to help him fight it by meeting him half way through your way of dressing.
To understand his reason better, make an unscheduled visit to his counselling class or that of any young and attractive pastor to appreciate the daily temptations the men of God are exposed to. Those things he is asking you to wear are Victorian compared to what some women wear for deliverance or counselling.
Understand one thing, he is first of all a man before being a pastor. There is no way he can be under annointing for 24 hours. It takes only a second to surrender to the bait of a calculating woman. Once that second happens, the mess may take forever to erase. I am sure you would rather do as your husband says than to have another woman entice your husband to herself.
If he sees women in trousers, he would think nothing of another woman wearing trousers. He may not notice because back home, his wife wears it. He will not need to imagine what it will be like to have a wife who wears it or think it anything special for a woman to be in trousers.
The clear implication of you disobeying him is that he maybe forced into the hands of another woman, one willing to do what he wants. And where will that leave you?
If there is any repercussion from what he is asking you to do, it is between him and the God he serves, not you because you are following the laid down rules of God; obeying your husband.
As for what your family or friends from your past would say, it isn’t their business. You are now a grown woman, responsible to your husband and yourself. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the kinds of clothes you are wearing, it behoves you to do what you have to do, to keep your marriage going under. Anybody who queries you for doing what everywoman does to protect her marriage is no friend of yours.
Besides, my Bible tells me that God created everything in heaven and earth. Therefore the logic that gold comes from devil, a creation of God, cannot hold water. Gold is precious and one of the ornaments the Book of Revelations says is used in abundance in heaven. So how can gold and other precious stones then come from the devil?
The only thing is for us not to worship the ornament more than the Creator.
No matter what you do, put the interest of your home and desires of your husband. Your father ran his home the way he wanted and liked, allow your husband do the same for his home.
The greatest pains that can befall a woman is to be pushed out of her home by another woman her husband finds more attractive.
Honestly, you are a very lucky woman because your husband is honest enough to tell you what he wants. No everyman has the boldness and forthrightness to be so explicit about what he wants. This is why many men go outside their homes to begin affairs with women, who come close to their dream women.
Marriage is a journey of compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must find a common ground to move your marriage forward. You must do away with certain things from your past because you now have a new leader whose rules are different from the one your father brought you up with.
Obedience is the only thing that brings comfort zone in a marriage. Obey him first and complain about the aspects you don’t like later. The fact that you are willing to do as he says will make him listen to whatever complains you may have against one or two things.
Always stay close to God if you want your marriage to go a long way.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. My husband who professes to be a christian, as a matter of fact, an assistant pastor, wants me to wear trousers, body hugging clothes, jewellery, sexy blouses, perm my hairs as well as wear trendy underwares.
These things are against my beliefs because I grew up in a home where these things are forbidden. My parents were members of the Scripture Union. Throughtout my university days, I resisted the temptation to follow trends because my father from an early age told me that only wayward women put on trousers or wear jewellery. He said these things were from the devil, specifically the water spirit herself.
We got married three years ago and I have noticed that he isn’t always comfortable with me. I married him because I thought he actually liked me the way I am, but I am beginning to doubt that these days.
I know that while we were dating, he made attempts to persuade me to change my way of dressing, but soon gave up when I told him I wasn’t ready to change from what I have always been.
I really thought he was okay by my explanation and was really glad when he became an assistant pastor. But now, I am not so sure. I have also noticed that he is keeping his distance from me these days, seems to prefer the company of other people than mine.
He also complains about everything I do these days, including dressing our daughter in clothes he doesn’t like.
I love him more than anything else in the world, but I cannot change from who I have always been. I am 32 years of age. I consider myself too old to make that change he wants me to make. Besides, how do I explain to my friends from my youth and family the new me?
I have tried everything I know to make him change but he is being so unreasonable and adamant.
What do I do, Agatha? The Bible says it is wrong for a woman to wear trousers, do I obey my husband or stick to what the Bible says?
Yeniola.
Dear Yeniola,
The Bible calls the man the head of the home and mandates the woman to give him every respect and support deserving of his position. The Bible conceives the man as the crown of the woman therefore it follows she must do everything within her power to ensure it stays firm and well balanced on her head.
From Genesis to Revelation, obedience remains the bond of relationship between God and man. It remains the number one commandment that is why God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Without it, no organisation in the world would work, especially the marriage institution.
Everywhere in the world, the different doctrines and religions preach the man as being the head of the home; hence his words and desires are laws. No matter the position a woman occupies or her family background, the law of God and man demands total submission to the wishes of her husband.
Therefore, your father’s laws or his desires cannot override that of your husband whose name you now answer to. If you cannot respect your husband, the man God has ordained to be your crown, it follows you cannot honour God. It is a simple case of outright disobedience to the ways and directives of God.
Coming down to simple logic, who is asking you to change your ways? Is it not the man who married you, the one man you swore to before God and man, to honour, respect, obey, love all the days of your life? Who will you be wearing those clothes for, he or other men? Why did you get married? And what were you told to do to have a happy and fulfilled home by your parents? Did your father or mother tell you at any point in your life that you should disobey your husband? Deep down, do you think your mother would have lasted the length of time in your father’s house were she a disobedient wife?
As a pastor’s wife, how would you handle this kind of issue if a female member of the church comes to you for help? Would you ask her to ignore the wishes of her husband or listen to him to protect her home?
One other point you should consider is how you would feel in the long run, if your husband decides to look another woman’s way. Don’t think being an assistant pastor stops him from feeling all the things other men feel or going through temptations. If prominent men of God have fallen to the lure women represent, there is limit to what he can do without help from you.
The first help he is asking you is to help him fight the pull of the flesh by dressing attractively. Your husband knows his own weak points and is asking, appealing to you as his wife to help him fight it by meeting him half way through your way of dressing.
To understand his reason better, make an unscheduled visit to his counselling class or that of any young and attractive pastor to appreciate the daily temptations the men of God are exposed to. Those things he is asking you to wear are Victorian compared to what some women wear for deliverance or counselling.
Understand one thing, he is first of all a man before being a pastor. There is no way he can be under annointing for 24 hours. It takes only a second to surrender to the bait of a calculating woman. Once that second happens, the mess may take forever to erase. I am sure you would rather do as your husband says than to have another woman entice your husband to herself.
If he sees women in trousers, he would think nothing of another woman wearing trousers. He may not notice because back home, his wife wears it. He will not need to imagine what it will be like to have a wife who wears it or think it anything special for a woman to be in trousers.
The clear implication of you disobeying him is that he maybe forced into the hands of another woman, one willing to do what he wants. And where will that leave you?
If there is any repercussion from what he is asking you to do, it is between him and the God he serves, not you because you are following the laid down rules of God; obeying your husband.
As for what your family or friends from your past would say, it isn’t their business. You are now a grown woman, responsible to your husband and yourself. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the kinds of clothes you are wearing, it behoves you to do what you have to do, to keep your marriage going under. Anybody who queries you for doing what everywoman does to protect her marriage is no friend of yours.
Besides, my Bible tells me that God created everything in heaven and earth. Therefore the logic that gold comes from devil, a creation of God, cannot hold water. Gold is precious and one of the ornaments the Book of Revelations says is used in abundance in heaven. So how can gold and other precious stones then come from the devil?
The only thing is for us not to worship the ornament more than the Creator.
No matter what you do, put the interest of your home and desires of your husband. Your father ran his home the way he wanted and liked, allow your husband do the same for his home.
The greatest pains that can befall a woman is to be pushed out of her home by another woman her husband finds more attractive.
Honestly, you are a very lucky woman because your husband is honest enough to tell you what he wants. No everyman has the boldness and forthrightness to be so explicit about what he wants. This is why many men go outside their homes to begin affairs with women, who come close to their dream women.
Marriage is a journey of compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must find a common ground to move your marriage forward. You must do away with certain things from your past because you now have a new leader whose rules are different from the one your father brought you up with.
Obedience is the only thing that brings comfort zone in a marriage. Obey him first and complain about the aspects you don’t like later. The fact that you are willing to do as he says will make him listen to whatever complains you may have against one or two things.
Always stay close to God if you want your marriage to go a long way.
Good luck.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
I’m in love with a married man but
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is married, I love him all the same, but he is hurting me by also dating other women.
What can I do?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Stop denying the man’s wife the right to enjoy her marriage and man. If you are getting hurt on account of his relationships with other women, how do you think the wife feels by your own association with him? How do you think she feels when she wants her man, he isn’t there for her because he is with you? If you are feeling this bad as a girlfriend how would you feel if you were his wife, kill the women who are denying her of her rights as a wife and mother?
Do you realise that you are not only denying her time with her husband but also the resources he would have spent on the family as well? Can you fathom the kind of needless sacrifices that woman is making to make up for the time and money he uses to maintain you?
Have you ever sat down to wonder at the injury, pains, and aches you are causing this woman? In her shoes, how would you feel, pray for the woman who is making her work extra hard to maintain her home?
Now that you know what it feels to be betrayed by someone you are in love with, allow this man be. Sometimes, God allows things to happen to point us at the right things to do.
There is no way a man who is unfaithful to his wife will ever be faithful to a girlfriend. Whatever made him to go outside his marriage for fun are the same reasons he will continue to leave everywoman he has an affair with until he makes up his mind to be faithful to his vows.
This man isn’t in love with you that is why despite his many relationships he still goes back to the woman he is married to. He isn’t the one that is hurting you rather you are the one who has exposed yourself to being hurt by him. The fact that he is married, unavailable to you means you don’t have a joint future, should have cautioned you against taking whatever promises he is making to you serious.
Had he been single, your hurt would have been understandable, but he isn’t. So why waste time in a relationship that won’t add value to your life in the long run?
Before you get more hurt than you already are, take a walk away from it all. It would afford you the opportunity of meeting the real man for you. The more you hold on to him, the less your chances of becoming happy later in future and by the time you are ready to marry, the man you would have married would have become another woman’s husband.
This man has nothing to lose; rather you are the one who has more to lose if you continue with him. Men are hunters by nature and would always be excited by the sights of an available woman but it is the job of the woman to gate-keep her treasure to avoid disappointments, regrets and pains.
If you are unwilling to do it for yourself, do it for the sake of this woman whose marriage is at stake.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend is married, I love him all the same, but he is hurting me by also dating other women.
What can I do?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Stop denying the man’s wife the right to enjoy her marriage and man. If you are getting hurt on account of his relationships with other women, how do you think the wife feels by your own association with him? How do you think she feels when she wants her man, he isn’t there for her because he is with you? If you are feeling this bad as a girlfriend how would you feel if you were his wife, kill the women who are denying her of her rights as a wife and mother?
Do you realise that you are not only denying her time with her husband but also the resources he would have spent on the family as well? Can you fathom the kind of needless sacrifices that woman is making to make up for the time and money he uses to maintain you?
Have you ever sat down to wonder at the injury, pains, and aches you are causing this woman? In her shoes, how would you feel, pray for the woman who is making her work extra hard to maintain her home?
Now that you know what it feels to be betrayed by someone you are in love with, allow this man be. Sometimes, God allows things to happen to point us at the right things to do.
There is no way a man who is unfaithful to his wife will ever be faithful to a girlfriend. Whatever made him to go outside his marriage for fun are the same reasons he will continue to leave everywoman he has an affair with until he makes up his mind to be faithful to his vows.
This man isn’t in love with you that is why despite his many relationships he still goes back to the woman he is married to. He isn’t the one that is hurting you rather you are the one who has exposed yourself to being hurt by him. The fact that he is married, unavailable to you means you don’t have a joint future, should have cautioned you against taking whatever promises he is making to you serious.
Had he been single, your hurt would have been understandable, but he isn’t. So why waste time in a relationship that won’t add value to your life in the long run?
Before you get more hurt than you already are, take a walk away from it all. It would afford you the opportunity of meeting the real man for you. The more you hold on to him, the less your chances of becoming happy later in future and by the time you are ready to marry, the man you would have married would have become another woman’s husband.
This man has nothing to lose; rather you are the one who has more to lose if you continue with him. Men are hunters by nature and would always be excited by the sights of an available woman but it is the job of the woman to gate-keep her treasure to avoid disappointments, regrets and pains.
If you are unwilling to do it for yourself, do it for the sake of this woman whose marriage is at stake.
Good luck.
Hard to choose among three men seeking to marry me
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and I pray God will continue to bless you.
Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognise true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man.
Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses?
Grace.
Dear Grace,
The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with your own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra-special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give.
If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities.
Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you?
At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on whom to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man.
A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding, and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman.
Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self-control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader?
Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incites in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome.
Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go, but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us, the real person and not the colour we are or what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip.
This is that something extra-special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusion on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully.
Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities: such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day.
Out of all these men, whom can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Who among them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to every one of us even our parents find difficult to cope with.
And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can look at the real you and not flinch? Can manufacture a joke or make you laugh when what all you feel is like bringing down the entire world?
Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself.
True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it is always willing to forgive and forget.
A man, who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman.
No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and I pray God will continue to bless you.
Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognise true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man.
Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses?
Grace.
Dear Grace,
The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with your own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra-special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give.
If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities.
Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you?
At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on whom to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man.
A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding, and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman.
Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self-control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader?
Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incites in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome.
Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go, but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us, the real person and not the colour we are or what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip.
This is that something extra-special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusion on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully.
Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities: such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day.
Out of all these men, whom can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Who among them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to every one of us even our parents find difficult to cope with.
And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can look at the real you and not flinch? Can manufacture a joke or make you laugh when what all you feel is like bringing down the entire world?
Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself.
True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it is always willing to forgive and forget.
A man, who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman.
No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives.
Good luck.
If he hears my stepdaughter is pregnant!
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier.
Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister.
She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own.
There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind. Even though she is in her 400-level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know.
Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have been retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occasions when my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home.
My husband is one of the most difficult men I have known. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways.
This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over, he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house?
There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible.
Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnancy but throw both of us out of his house.
How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her to fail her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of her father.
How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know it deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man.
Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father.
Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently.
Celine.
Dear Celine,
She has already placed you in the position of her mother, hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother.
As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion.
The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong.
The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning and questioning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter.
Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own.
It is either your husband learns to trust your judgement concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to?
Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does.
The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him, his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider.
To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; more so, she is in her final year, and about to finish her university education, so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason, which is the angle you should push in your discussion with him.
Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind.
What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her, so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man.
It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else points him at her condition. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband.
If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend of his. Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life.
Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his home. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her mother.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier.
Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister.
She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own.
There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind. Even though she is in her 400-level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know.
Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have been retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occasions when my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home.
My husband is one of the most difficult men I have known. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways.
This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over, he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house?
There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible.
Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnancy but throw both of us out of his house.
How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her to fail her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of her father.
How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know it deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man.
Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father.
Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently.
Celine.
Dear Celine,
She has already placed you in the position of her mother, hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother.
As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion.
The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong.
The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning and questioning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter.
Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own.
It is either your husband learns to trust your judgement concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to?
Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does.
The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him, his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider.
To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; more so, she is in her final year, and about to finish her university education, so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason, which is the angle you should push in your discussion with him.
Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind.
What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her, so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man.
It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else points him at her condition. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband.
If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend of his. Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life.
Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his home. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her mother.
Good luck.
My daughter’s best friend is my husband’s child
With Agatha Edo , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please, don’t tell me to recognise or accept these children. Sometimes, I wonder if you live in the real world; if you have been hurt and betrayed by a man before. It’s amazing how you seem to have the right answers for every problem. If you have ever been hurt, you will know how it feels to be betrayed by the man you love.
I even don’t know why I am bothering myself writing to you in the first place because it is those things I don’t want to hear that you will say to me on this issue that is causing so much pain and anguish in my marriage.
Last week was my birthday and my last child came back from school to celebrate with me. She is in her second year in senior secondary school. She came with her best friend. I have met severally with her on account of her friendship with my daughter.
While in my house, she got an emergency call from home that her mother needed to see her. I was naturally worried about the nature of the call so I offered to drive her home. My husband came in just as we were driving out. I had to explain to him what happened.
He persuaded me against going with the young girl arguing that since it was my birthday, it would not be polite for me to leave home since I was expecting guests. I had no choice but to allow him take the little girl home.
Since I was monitoring the events on the phone, I knew her mother had died so I wasn’t really expecting my husband home early. From my daughter, I knew the young girl was the first of her mother and has a younger brother who is in his second year in junior secondary school.
Being a mother, I felt for them. I tried calling my husband to bring the children home if there was no one to care for them at home but his number wasn’t going through.
It was not until around 11p.m. that he came back home with the young girl and her brother. My husband and I have been married for close to 23 years, so I can tell when he is very bothered.
Initially I attributed his mood to his concern for the children but something kept telling me it was more than that when he became too involved in the burial arrangement of the children’s mother.
At the time, I didn’t bother or notice the ease in which the children addressed him as father. When I tried to question him about his level of involvement with the woman’s burial arrangement, he brushed me aside, saying he was doing it for the children who have nobody in the world to help them.
What would have been a major disagreement between us, I tried to ignore but didn’t go down well when he announced his decision to adopt those children as his own.
Knowing my husband as much as I do, that statement triggered an alarm bell deep inside me. There and then I decided that I would attend the burial rites of the girl’s mother against the wish of my husband who said it wasn’t necessary for me to be there.
Needless to say, my husband was the chief mourner; the widower of the late woman. It was at the burial the puzzle about the similarity between my last child and the children clicked. They all got their looks from my mother-in-law.
My husband’s younger brother and sisters all came for the funeral. I felt betrayed by all of them because I thought we had gotten over our differences. When they all saw me, they looked away and pretended that I wasn’t even there.
I don’t know what came over me when the children ran to me on sighting me. I remember pushing them away and warning them never to come near me again.
I came back home to meet his mother and other members of the family at first pleading with me to accept the children and now making a demand of it.
My husband’s reason for taking a second wife and ensuring she and my daughter were friends has to do with our stormy early years.
I know we went through hellish times back then but is that enough reason for him to betray me this way? What about the attitude of his mother and family? My best friend says I should not accept the children and to pack away from my home because she thinks my husband, from what has happened, is capable of harming me. I really agree with her. I am already making plans to leave him and his children.
I am really hurting.
Franca.
Dear Franca,
Contrary to what you think, I have been through hellish days too and know the kind of pains you are feeling. Only the dead don’t have challenges or issues to deal with anymore. As long as we have life in us, we would always have problems to contend with. I am who I am because I have a God that has never failed me or left me on my own to carry my load.
When an issue like yours comes up in a marriage, it helps to pray. Prayer is important to prevent you from making a mistake you will forever regret. Even if you decide to leave him, would it change the fact that he is your children’s father or erase the truth about the paternity of those children as well as their relationship to your children?
After 23 years of marriage, it is too late in the day to have regrets that would take you out of a place that has been your home all these years. If any of your older children brings this kind of problem to you, will you tell them to pack out of their homes? Will you encourage them not to accept those children who after all are innocent in this adult game? Should your son treat another woman this way, how would you feel if the woman abandons your son?
By now, you more than anyone should know that it takes the grace of God to make living with another person work. No matter how well you think you know someone; there will always be some areas, you will never fully understand about the person. This is one of those unknown zones your information and personal data of him cannot recognise.
He has committed the offence. There is no way he can undo this. The question now is, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive him, see those children who by fate are very close to your own child as part of you?
Don’t forget that they are already part of the family by virtue of involvement and support of your in-laws. If you fail to recognise them, it won’t change a thing but your refusal would have far reaching implications for your children in future. It is that future I want you to be mindful of.
No matter how much you feel like skinning your husband alive now, try as much as possible to factor in the dreams and feelings of these children now and later.
If it would be of help, you don’t have the patent for marital pains, betrayals and disappointment. Many women have worse tales to tell. After living with a man for 23 years, you should have learnt not to be surprised by anything he does. It is one of the ways a woman can survive a marriage. Whether you like it or not, the society has made it their world. Had the shoes been reversed, you will be facing mass condemnation now.
What you should do is to take stock of the past. I am sure a lesson has been learnt by you from all these. And the best way to avoid making them all over again, is to accept those children as your own. I have this feeling that it would erase whatever it is that happened in the past.
We are all students of the school of life. It couldn’t have been by accident that everybody in his family is in support of the other woman. If you are honest, your conduct in the past has to do with this situation.
Ignore your friend. She doesn’t mean well.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please, don’t tell me to recognise or accept these children. Sometimes, I wonder if you live in the real world; if you have been hurt and betrayed by a man before. It’s amazing how you seem to have the right answers for every problem. If you have ever been hurt, you will know how it feels to be betrayed by the man you love.
I even don’t know why I am bothering myself writing to you in the first place because it is those things I don’t want to hear that you will say to me on this issue that is causing so much pain and anguish in my marriage.
Last week was my birthday and my last child came back from school to celebrate with me. She is in her second year in senior secondary school. She came with her best friend. I have met severally with her on account of her friendship with my daughter.
While in my house, she got an emergency call from home that her mother needed to see her. I was naturally worried about the nature of the call so I offered to drive her home. My husband came in just as we were driving out. I had to explain to him what happened.
He persuaded me against going with the young girl arguing that since it was my birthday, it would not be polite for me to leave home since I was expecting guests. I had no choice but to allow him take the little girl home.
Since I was monitoring the events on the phone, I knew her mother had died so I wasn’t really expecting my husband home early. From my daughter, I knew the young girl was the first of her mother and has a younger brother who is in his second year in junior secondary school.
Being a mother, I felt for them. I tried calling my husband to bring the children home if there was no one to care for them at home but his number wasn’t going through.
It was not until around 11p.m. that he came back home with the young girl and her brother. My husband and I have been married for close to 23 years, so I can tell when he is very bothered.
Initially I attributed his mood to his concern for the children but something kept telling me it was more than that when he became too involved in the burial arrangement of the children’s mother.
At the time, I didn’t bother or notice the ease in which the children addressed him as father. When I tried to question him about his level of involvement with the woman’s burial arrangement, he brushed me aside, saying he was doing it for the children who have nobody in the world to help them.
What would have been a major disagreement between us, I tried to ignore but didn’t go down well when he announced his decision to adopt those children as his own.
Knowing my husband as much as I do, that statement triggered an alarm bell deep inside me. There and then I decided that I would attend the burial rites of the girl’s mother against the wish of my husband who said it wasn’t necessary for me to be there.
Needless to say, my husband was the chief mourner; the widower of the late woman. It was at the burial the puzzle about the similarity between my last child and the children clicked. They all got their looks from my mother-in-law.
My husband’s younger brother and sisters all came for the funeral. I felt betrayed by all of them because I thought we had gotten over our differences. When they all saw me, they looked away and pretended that I wasn’t even there.
I don’t know what came over me when the children ran to me on sighting me. I remember pushing them away and warning them never to come near me again.
I came back home to meet his mother and other members of the family at first pleading with me to accept the children and now making a demand of it.
My husband’s reason for taking a second wife and ensuring she and my daughter were friends has to do with our stormy early years.
I know we went through hellish times back then but is that enough reason for him to betray me this way? What about the attitude of his mother and family? My best friend says I should not accept the children and to pack away from my home because she thinks my husband, from what has happened, is capable of harming me. I really agree with her. I am already making plans to leave him and his children.
I am really hurting.
Franca.
Dear Franca,
Contrary to what you think, I have been through hellish days too and know the kind of pains you are feeling. Only the dead don’t have challenges or issues to deal with anymore. As long as we have life in us, we would always have problems to contend with. I am who I am because I have a God that has never failed me or left me on my own to carry my load.
When an issue like yours comes up in a marriage, it helps to pray. Prayer is important to prevent you from making a mistake you will forever regret. Even if you decide to leave him, would it change the fact that he is your children’s father or erase the truth about the paternity of those children as well as their relationship to your children?
After 23 years of marriage, it is too late in the day to have regrets that would take you out of a place that has been your home all these years. If any of your older children brings this kind of problem to you, will you tell them to pack out of their homes? Will you encourage them not to accept those children who after all are innocent in this adult game? Should your son treat another woman this way, how would you feel if the woman abandons your son?
By now, you more than anyone should know that it takes the grace of God to make living with another person work. No matter how well you think you know someone; there will always be some areas, you will never fully understand about the person. This is one of those unknown zones your information and personal data of him cannot recognise.
He has committed the offence. There is no way he can undo this. The question now is, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive him, see those children who by fate are very close to your own child as part of you?
Don’t forget that they are already part of the family by virtue of involvement and support of your in-laws. If you fail to recognise them, it won’t change a thing but your refusal would have far reaching implications for your children in future. It is that future I want you to be mindful of.
No matter how much you feel like skinning your husband alive now, try as much as possible to factor in the dreams and feelings of these children now and later.
If it would be of help, you don’t have the patent for marital pains, betrayals and disappointment. Many women have worse tales to tell. After living with a man for 23 years, you should have learnt not to be surprised by anything he does. It is one of the ways a woman can survive a marriage. Whether you like it or not, the society has made it their world. Had the shoes been reversed, you will be facing mass condemnation now.
What you should do is to take stock of the past. I am sure a lesson has been learnt by you from all these. And the best way to avoid making them all over again, is to accept those children as your own. I have this feeling that it would erase whatever it is that happened in the past.
We are all students of the school of life. It couldn’t have been by accident that everybody in his family is in support of the other woman. If you are honest, your conduct in the past has to do with this situation.
Ignore your friend. She doesn’t mean well.
Good luck.
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