She hooked me with Charms

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you so much for using your wonderful God given talent to help numerous people out of their troubles. I pray God will bless you the more. Amen.

I am a young working class lady.  I have been in a relationship for three years now.  The young man I am into a relationship with is not residing in the same state with me, but this has not been a problem because I try as much as I can to adhere to rules of a viable relationship. 

However, my friend doesn’t seem to think certain things are essential to success or otherwise of a viable relationship. He doesn’t recognise his leadership role in the relationship. For instance, he sees nothing wrong in his not calling me for months on end or paying me a visit. And whenever I complain of this attitude, he is always quick to blame it on his workload. 

And when I visit, he prevents me from meeting his family members, almost like hiding me and the knowledge of the relationship from them. 

Severally, I have called his attention to these issues but he is forever giving excuses.

 Agatha, I am writing you because I have taken a decision to date another man secretly and have made up my mind to settle finally with this present man.   I just want to know if these decisions are right. 

Nnenne.

Dear Nnenne, 

Having exhausted all means to make this man change, the decision is the right one to take because your present relationship seems to lack the basic ingredients to make it work. 

But I totally disagree with the methods you have employed in the process. Why a secret relationship? 

The decent thing is to tell him of your decision and give him reason on why you had to take the path. To conduct a secret relationship without his knowledge is to make yourself liable to blame. There is no way he would ever claim his nonchalant attitude is the reason you decided on the relationship, rather, he can confidently accuse you of not ever being faithful and that he decided to keep the knowledge of his relationship with you away from his family because he knew you couldn’t be trusted.

To be frank, it would be very difficult to convince anyone that you weren’t two, timing him all along. 

There is also the danger of the other man, if he finds out that there is still some sort of relationship between you and your first boyfriend, walking out on you because he would think you dishonest.

For this reason, you should be bold and very honest enough to confront him with the reason you have decided to move on with your life. 

It is always better to end a relationship properly before going into another to avert needless and avoidable problems. It would take you more time trying to sway your new man to trust again than it would ordinarily take you to terminate the previous one. 

At times, talking over a problem may point a couple at other possible ways of resolving a thorny issue. Dialogue has the power of diffusing tension and making clearer the reasons for the seemingly difficult positions of others.

Telling him of the decision you have taken may make him open up on why he has been behaving objectionably.

For balanced decisions, it is best a person gets over a bad relationship properly before jumping into another one to avoid a situation where the pains of the previous relationship would be imported into the new one.

And to avoid the same mistake, allow this new relationship enough time to find its natural path. The decision to marry him isn’t yours to make rather, allow situations and circumstances lead both of you into it. 

This is in view of the fact that like human beings, every relationship comes with its own challenges. These challenges are defined and determined by the attitudes and values of the persons involved. 

Also, the beginning of a relationship is not a very good time to make promises because the novelty of its newness makes good judgement very difficult. Give yourselves and relationship time to form its path, get strengthened by challenges and experiences before you can begin to think of marriage. 

In addition, both of you have to strive towards integrating friendship into the relationship. This is to help give your love the firm root on which to expand. Many a time, when we get disappointed in previous relationship, we are too much in a hurry to get everything we didn’t from our new relationship to bother about the essentials. 

For this reason, you have to resist the temptation of loading your relationship with too much expectation to prevent later disappointments. 

Also endeavour to hand over your new relationship to God for His assistance. 

Good luck. 

He doesn’t call or visit me…

Dear Agatha,

I want to thank you so much for using your wonderful God given talent to help numerous people out of their troubles. I pray God will bless you the more. Amen.

I am a young working class lady.  I have been in a relationship for three years now.  The young man I am into a relationship with is not residing in the same state with me, but this has not been a problem because I try as much as I can to adhere to rules of a viable relationship. 

However, my friend doesn’t seem to think certain things are essential to success or otherwise of a viable relationship. He doesn’t recognise his leadership role in the relationship. For instance, he sees nothing wrong in his not calling me for months on end or paying me a visit. And whenever I complain of this attitude, he is always quick to blame it on his workload. 

And when I visit, he prevents me from meeting his family members, almost like hiding me and the knowledge of the relationship from them. 

Severally, I have called his attention to these issues but he is forever giving excuses.

 Agatha, I am writing you because I have taken a decision to date another man secretly and have made up my mind to settle finally with this present man.   I just want to know if these decisions are right. 

Nnenne.

Dear Nnenne, 

Having exhausted all means to make this man change, the decision is the right one to take because your present relationship seems to lack the basic ingredients to make it work. 

But I totally disagree with the methods you have employed in the process. Why a secret relationship? 

The decent thing is to tell him of your decision and give him reason on why you had to take the path. To conduct a secret relationship without his knowledge is to make yourself liable to blame. There is no way he would ever claim his nonchalant attitude is the reason you decided on the relationship, rather, he can confidently accuse you of not ever being faithful and that he decided to keep the knowledge of his relationship with you away from his family because he knew you couldn’t be trusted.

To be frank, it would be very difficult to convince anyone that you weren’t two, timing him all along. 

There is also the danger of the other man, if he finds out that there is still some sort of relationship between you and your first boyfriend, walking out on you because he would think you dishonest.

For this reason, you should be bold and very honest enough to confront him with the reason you have decided to move on with your life. 

It is always better to end a relationship properly before going into another to avert needless and avoidable problems. It would take you more time trying to sway your new man to trust again than it would ordinarily take you to terminate the previous one. 

At times, talking over a problem may point a couple at other possible ways of resolving a thorny issue. Dialogue has the power of diffusing tension and making clearer the reasons for the seemingly difficult positions of others.

Telling him of the decision you have taken may make him open up on why he has been behaving objectionably.

For balanced decisions, it is best a person gets over a bad relationship properly before jumping into another one to avoid a situation where the pains of the previous relationship would be imported into the new one.

And to avoid the same mistake, allow this new relationship enough time to find its natural path. The decision to marry him isn’t yours to make rather, allow situations and circumstances lead both of you into it. 

This is in view of the fact that like human beings, every relationship comes with its own challenges. These challenges are defined and determined by the attitudes and values of the persons involved. 

Also, the beginning of a relationship is not a very good time to make promises because the novelty of its newness makes good judgement very difficult. Give yourselves and relationship time to form its path, get strengthened by challenges and experiences before you can begin to think of marriage. 

In addition, both of you have to strive towards integrating friendship into the relationship. This is to help give your love the firm root on which to expand. Many a time, when we get disappointed in previous relationship, we are too much in a hurry to get everything we didn’t from our new relationship to bother about the essentials. 

For this reason, you have to resist the temptation of loading your relationship with too much expectation to prevent later disappointments. 

Also endeavour to hand over your new relationship to God for His assistance. 

Good luck. 

Plans to marry me, yet lives with her boyfriend…

I need your advice on this issue concerning a lady I so much love with all my heart.

But this is what she did. Granted she has been dating and living with this man before I knew her. But when we met, she said she would want to settle down with me and she packed all her things to my house but kept staying in her former place. 

However, I found out that she was actually staying with her former boyfriend. She denied the allegation, when I confronted her with it. 

Agatha, I have spent a lot on her. I also found out from a former friend of hers, who happens to be my colleague that due to complications, she won’t ever be able to have a child. To be sure the information is right, I took her to see my doctor who confirmed it.  

I really don’t want to lose her; neither does she want me to go. But I recently packed all her belongings to her telling her I am no longer interested in the relationship. She has sent all her family members to plead on her behalf but I refuse to accept their plea.

However, I would want you to advise me on what to do because we really love each other and can’t get her out of my system.

Martins.

Dear Martins, 

If you really love her and can’t get her out of your system, why are you reluctant to listen to her pleas as well as those of her family members? 

The ball is in your court. You are the one wearing the shoes, know what you want from life; know your capacity and your limitations. You are also the one who would live with her, so the decision is ultimately yours to make. 

But take into consideration the issue of trust. It is important. Though it may look unimportant, don’t count much now, but it would however come to play as time goes on when you would need to trust her on certain important issues and incidents. It would get to a point when love would no longer matter so much as having a partner you can always rely on at all times.

How would you cope and feel if later in life an incident that bothers on absolute trust for your partner comes up? Knowing her antecedent, would you be able to stick out your neck, vouch for her credibility? Would you ever be able to trust absolutely in the company of other men? Would you ever find the type of happiness that matters to you in a marriage? For that matter would you ever be comfortable knowing that her inability to give you a child is something that she brought on herself?

These are real issues you should not allow sentiment eclipse you to because they always come to play and have the enormous capacity to destroy a relationship. 

If you don’t tackle them before you go very far, the anxiety you currently fear of losing her would be nothing compared to the pains and regret of the decision to go ahead with the relationship. 

Because we all have the ability to change from whatever way we are used to, call her and explain the fears you exercise over the viability of your relationship. Itemise everything you have observed about her and how those things are making you very apprehensive and fearful of continuing with the relationship. 

Hear what she has to say. In the recess of your mind, objectively examine her response, be realistic about the things you know are visible at least for now, make up your mind on the time you would give her to change appreciably for you to have the necessary confidence in her. 

Convinced of her willingness to change, you can go ahead provided you have the patience, understanding and presence of mind to help her but if you doubt her readiness to leave her former ways, don’t allow sentiment to blindfold you to do what is expedient to your peace of mind. 

Let her know that you still love her but that it isn’t strong enough to convince you of her willingness or ability to change for the better. 

To minimise the mistakes you would make, learn to trust God at all times.

Good luck. 

My mother hates me…

Dear Agatha, 

I am 20 years of age but life hasn’t been fair to me since I was born. I have never experienced the love of my mother. I am the third in the family and the only one having problems with my mother. I love her and aware that whatever I do to her would come back to me through my children. I have confronted with this her so many times but all to no avail. What should I do?

Troubled Girl. 

Dear Troubled Girl, 

If you are the only one having problems with your mother, then there is something you are doing very wrong or may have done wrong in the past which is making it impossible for the mother-daughter relationship to flow between you.

What were your teenage years like? Are you the very stubborn type, who thinks her mother is ancient, unfeeling and uncompromising? Are you more of your father’s child than your mother’s?

A lot of issues develop between mothers and their daughters when both of them are unready to shift grounds and hear the other out. 

If you mother feels challenged by your attitude, there is no way you would ever benefit from her love especially if she is the type who takes her job as a mother too rigid. 

Sometimes, it is not easy to love a child who is constantly rude and determined to bring pains into the heart of his or her parent. Being a mother doesn’t stop her from feeling pains brought about by disappointments at your conduct and comportment. 

Look at what makes your other siblings different from you for clues as to why you are both finding it difficult to have a relationship. When a particular child is remarkably different from the rest, that child at times presents the mother with difficulties on the best way to treat or behave towards the particular child. 

It may not be easy to blackout all the problems of the past, but there is something you can do now to have a cordial relationship with her. When she is all-alone go to her on your knees and beg for forgiveness. Don’t try to make an academic exercise of it by going back to a past capable of bringing back the painful memories. 

Give her the respect she deserves as your mother because like you rightly observed, you will also be a mother some day. Even if she is the guilty one, beg her because there is nothing like the love and support of one’s parents especially when things get very difficult. 

Good luck. 

We met once when he visited Nigeria…

Dear Agatha, 

Thanks for the positive impact you are making on the lives of so many people. I am a graduate and have fallen in love with this man for two years now. Although we have been friends for a year before we started dating. Everything went well until he travelled abroad last year.

Before he left, he asked if I wanted to be the mother of his children, I accepted.

Agatha, do you know he came back to the country in June to tell me he didn’t make arrangement for me to meet him at the airport as planned. I only saw him once before he went back to his base in London and even until now, he hasn’t bothered to call.   

What do I do? He has never told me how he feels about me. Because of him, I have lost so many suitors while waiting for him to make concrete his plans. But I still love him.

Dera. 

Dear Dera, 

What was the agreement between both of you when you started out? Did you two ever discussed marriage beyond the question of whether you would like to be mother to this children came up? Did he ever categorically promise you marriage to make you turn down other suitors? 

Before he travelled out what conclusions did you two arrive at? If there was nothing concrete, you are wrong to attribute more than there really is to the relationship. 

To be frank, if you lose your opportunities, it won’t be because this man promised you anything but due to your own insistence to marry him at all cost. On what premise are you waiting for him if he has never as much discussed how he feels about you? Isn’t that where a relationship should start? 

Your love may not be enough to sustain or set this relationship into motion. Unless both of you come to an agreement, there is nothing you can do to get him interested in you as you obviously are with him. 

Your position is weakened by the distance of space between the two of you. Had both of you resided in the same town, it would have been easier for you to get in touch with him to explain his position clearly to you. Even though you can still do that, it wouldn’t solve the problem of trust and intent plaguing your relationship. 

Asking you if you would be mother to his children isn’t a marriage proposal at all. It is a mere question intended to make you happy.

You could call him if you have his number, but it would be in your interest to consider what these other men have to offer. If you find that any of them fits your image of the right man, give him a chance to make you happy. A man who doesn’t show any eagerness to see you after a long while of being away can’t be more obvious in his valuation of your place in his life. If his heart were with you, he would have made you his number one reason for coming to town. To have left for his base without telling you or even calling you after speaks volume of his feelings towards you.

Good luck 

Doubt her sincerity to care for my son…

Dear Agatha,

I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. 

I had an affair with my friend’s young sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock so I did the gentleman thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her even though I was nothing near my goal in life.

Knowing how wild his sister is he tried to discourage me from doing it but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled.

My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister, I could always count on his support.

Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage.

My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years that after a while, I would come to see her a friend if nothing else.

I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the househelp. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her but she told them to mind her business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person; it wasn’t difficult for me to endure.However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work.

Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked.

No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child but my mother insisting on taking the child with her to California.

My son is now 13 years of age. After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. 

At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally.

To be frank, I am very skeptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life.

Please help me. I am 39 years of age.

Henry.

Dear Henry, 

In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person?

Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not?

If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, some she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions: that a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you?

You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So you can’t say, you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship. 

Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago, besides you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that, you discuss such an issue with the person. This is because both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her. 

How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exist? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him?
To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her. 

Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child.

She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country.

More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex.

She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care. 

Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not; the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex wife with a child/children represent for the new woman.

If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Second guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman. 

You have to learn to live and love again else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again. 

Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions because they mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know maybe impossible. 

Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings.

Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about.

Above all learn to pray yourself into success always.

Good luck.

Are you sure real love is not an illusion?

Dear Peter, 

Without love, there is no life. The world derives its origin and strength from love. 

Love is evident in all relationships of the world. It takes an element of love for two people to even become friends. 

What the different are however the different hues love comes in as well as our understanding of what it is all about.However for it to make meaning to us, it requires a thorough study as well as preparation.

Its preparation begins with us. What is our comprehension of love? Love begins by knowing what it is as well as application. There is no way you can give what you don’t have or something can come from nothing.

The foundation of a study of love comes from us applying it to ourselves. When you love yourself, know how you want to be treated by people around you, it makes you very sensitive to what others also expect from you. Only people who are ignorant of love and its expectation go around life hurting others. 

For love to bloom, it has to be properly founded on certain principles. It has to be enduring, selfless, supportive, caring, patient, tolerating, understanding, accommodating, humble, sensitive, respectful as well as responsible.

There is no way love can make it if premised on selfish foundation. A lot of time, love becomes a shade of pains and ugliness because the person professing it sees it as a self-serving emotion, in which case it becomes insensitive and disrespectful of the other person’s feelings as well as thoughts. Above all the person must understand why God created love.God created love for friendship and companionship. He knows that without friendship, love becomes nothing but an animalistic urge similar to what lesser animal experiences. This is why love is a spiritual thing. It has to first succeed at the spiritual level before it can work physically. 

This is the mystery of love, why we love a particular person and prefers to be friends with another kind of person. 

Having given us the knowledge of good and bad as well as ability to understanding our supremacy over all other creations, He gave love to help us relax, shape the world and improve on our environment. 

When love is properly applied, it helps create in the environment a deep friendship as well as a deep feeling of selflessness. This is why a person really in love is a very happy and contended person to deal with. The patience and tolerance to listen comes from the confidence of knowing that out there is someone who is very supportive as well as caring.

Love brings the baby in all of us out. It reminds of our dependency on others to make us whole. When true love exists it takes us back to our early happy years, those years when the support and presence of our parents gave us the confidence to do the impossible. 

There is no way love can be celebrated without an accompanying determination to place the interest of the other person first. This is the kernel of love itself because it breeds loyalty and trust. Without both parties first making the sacrifice to accommodate the views and opinion of the other, it becomes difficult for both of them to appreciate why things should be done certain ways to accommodate the feelings of both of them. 

This willingness is where the thread of respect comes into play. It has to be carefully patterned to make each member of the partnership relaxed and happy. If a thread is heavily patterned to favour one side, the delicate balance needed to harmonise the different personalities of the two parties becomes very difficult to attain.Therefore for the two persons to have a sensible relationship, both of them must have the humility required to take in the other person’s view without feeling cheated or left behind.So, for you to get the type of love you want, you must be ready to invest into it. You must give it your best by devoting time to the principle governing it. 

If your understanding of love is only based on sex and materialism, chances are you would continue to suffer pains and disappointment because only the wrong persons would come your way. 

To help you appreciate love, first look at what you totally understanding of it. What values are most important to you when you are professing it? If your ideals were superficial, totally lacking in substance, chances of you being able to attract a partner with valuable substances would be slim because likes attracts like minds.

Love only pays those who appreciate that it has a life of its own, operates on a principle of fairness as well as vision.

Before you fall in love again, ask yourself what you want from life, how you want to be treated and who do you think would help you best in achieving your dreams.  Quality love requires you to look inwards and not outwards. It is what we each have inside of us that last forever, not what we look like or have in life. Therefore you must be ready to dig deep by making all the initial sacrifices.

Most important is to allow the spirit of God help you in making the last choice because sometimes what we think is gold may indeed be tarnished object wrapped in golden wrapper. It takes only the grace of God to know who is real from who’s fake.

Good luck. 

He sounds too nice to be real…

Deasr  Agatha,

I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a 20-year-old guy. The guy lives in Onitsha. We daily talk on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls me to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do. 

Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.

Confused Teenager.

Dear Confused Teenager, 

This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life. 

A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item; he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to do behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.

Besides this is the obvious thing, what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him. This could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.

And for love to be firmly established, there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate whom a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?

What kind of hygiene does he have as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual. 

For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly develop the trick of sweet, talking a woman into his bed.

When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened. So be very careful where you go with him.

Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.

Good luck. 

Her reassuring love needs practical action…

Dear Agatha, 

I appreciate you. There is this problem I have tried to contain within myself. I have proposed to this lady in my life but whom I discover is rather secretive with information. This constantly makes me wonder if she has something to hide. 

We have known each other since 2000 but she is in Liberia. I asked her what course she is reading in school, she didn’t say; what she is doing to fund her studies, she is also not saying anything. She was in Nigeria before she went to Liberia in 2006.

I also demanded to know what she is doing with my marriage proposal, also met a resounding sound of silence from her. I asked her to send me her recent photographs and she also didn’t respond to this request and appears reluctant to oblige me anything. 

But she keeps calling me and assuring me of her love, and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She says her destiny is in my hands. But I am very worried at her reluctance to give me details of her life in Liberia.

What do I do?

BJ.

Dear BJ, 

Are you in the first place serious about your proposal to this lady? Are you sure you are in love with her at all? A man’s heart is where his treasures are. In her shoes any woman would do same. You haven’t seen the woman you want to marry since 2006, and you haven’t made any attempt to look for her?

Liberia isn’t outside the continent that you cannot save towards going to spend time with her. Even if it is, if you are truly determined to find answers to your questions, you would have long saved towards going to wherever she is to see for yourself. Even if this woman trusts you, what about her family members and friends who all would at one time or the other asked her what kind of man would leave his woman for that long and not bother to find out if all is well with her?

If she is refusing to answer all your questions concerning her well being as well as the sponsorship of her education, it is only because you have not acted like a man serious about his proposal to settle down with her.  Ideally, shouldn’t you be sending something to her, no matter how merger? You have been dating a woman for 10 years without making the effort to know her parents or some of her family members? For four years, she has been away to a foreign land, not far from where you stay you are contented with only telephone conversations? You don’t even know what she does for a living or the kind of course she is reading? 

What if she has changed from the woman you know? What if she is lying to you about being in the university or other things about her new life? For a man who wants to marry her, you haven’t even started at all or demonstrated any kind of serious commitment to her.

Your attitude certainly calls to question your understanding of what you actually want from this woman and life generally. Are you saying there has been no other woman for you in the last four years? Can you sincerely answer that question? There is no way this lady can ever trust you when you haven’t shown a thirst for her presence in your life. 

If you really want answers, go and visit her in Liberia. Make the determination to transit your relationship from its current telephone-pal status to something more realistic. Honestly, no matter your financial status, if you are really resolute about seeing her, you will in no time save enough money to pay your bills to and fro Liberia. Being a 
West African country, you don’t need a visa to visit for a few days. 

Your presence in that country would solve a lot of issues between the two of you. One, it would give you answers to your questions and also solve some of her own puzzles about you. 

As a woman, she may have taken some decisions based on your attitude, which your effort at coming to see her would help nullify. 

Relationship is like a flower: without manure, attention and care, it will die a natural death. Four years is a long time to leave a woman without showing care, concern, attention and support. You both will be guided as to what steps you should take by the time the visit is over. 

Good luck.