I sent my mother-in-law out of my matrimonial home

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your selfless service to countless people out there. I am sure you know only God can pay you because none of us can ever compensate you enough for the time and thoughts you put into other people’s problem.

In the last couple of weeks I have been going through severe headache in my marriage and it is already affecting my relationship with my husband, who thinks I am making a mountain out of molehill.

His mother came some few weeks back to help me with my first-born but the visit is turning out to be a pain in the neck. She is very dirty in every sense of the word. I end up scrubbing the bathroom after she takes her bath, washing the toilet whenever she goes in there. All my pots and kitchen are black due to the way she uses the stove. I dear not entrust her to use of the gas cooker. She is also in the habit of using her cloth to dab the baby’s mouth.

I have tried correcting her on the proper use of these things as well as how to keep them clean but she keeps doing the very things I ask her not to do.

Because of this, I have stopped her from carrying my baby since I cannot vouch for her personal hygiene. I have also refused her going into my kitchen to do anything because of the mess she is making of everything and the effort I put into cleaning the place again.  

As a result, she told her son that she would want to return to the village prompting him to ask if she isn’t happy staying with him. I guess she must have said something to the effect that I wasn’t allowing her carrying the baby because my husband came to ask me why I didn’t want his mother access to the baby. I tried to explain his mother’s dirty nature and how I fear she might infect the baby with avoidable germs. He didn’t take kindly to my remarks and actually accused me of being rude to his mother.

I had actually sent for my mother before this incident happened. When my mother came, he initially didn’t say anything but began to raise dust when it looked like I had invited my mother to come and care for the baby and I. 

This really infuriated him. He said not only did I not discuss my mother’s coming with him but stopped his mother from having anything to do with his child. When I reminded him that the baby is as much mine as well as his, he called me all sorts on unprintable names and told me to ask my mother to leave his house. He also said if I was a good wife, I should have tolerated his mother because it was her first time of leaving the village to come to the city.

Although I have threatened to go with my mother, the truth is I love my husband and don’t want a broken home on my hands. Agatha, please tell me how to make amends because I’m no longer enjoying my home especially as his mother insisted on going back to the village to care for her farm and goats. Since his mother left he has also been keeping late nights and refusing to eat at home.

What can I do to remedy the situation in my home?

Bukky.

Dear Bukky, 

The first thing is to find ways of getting your mother-in-law to come back and telling your mother to go back until the situation in your home improves. You didn’t act well. Being her first time in the city, you should have been more understanding that she wasn’t doing the things you complained of deliberately. If she had never taken her bath in the kind of bathroom you have or used a water system, how do you expect her to adjust without first making a mess of the place? All you needed to have done is to help her to adjust with a little bit of patience.

Rather than tell your mother to come without informing your husband, you should have first raised the issue of his mother’s habits with him before telling your mother to come. 

You acted without respect and consideration for your husband. You neglected to remember that this man in whose house you are in now and with whom you have this child, grew up with that same woman. If she didn’t infest him with any kind of diseases what makes you think your child would be infected? Granted, you may not be comfortable with her hygiene but you should have been more diplomatic in your reactions. 

For instance, rather than allow her go into the kitchen, you could volunteer to be cooking the meals giving the excuse that the gas, which she doesn’t know how to operate is faster and that you too would like to care for her as her daughter. To make sure she doesn’t feel left out, you could invite her to teach you how to cook those special meals your husband grew up eating in the village. 

On the issue of bathroom and its proper usage, it is a simple case of you inviting her to help you scrub your back or massage your body while you are taking your bath. Purposely, keep her in the bathroom with an interesting discussion until you finish. Pour water on the walls to rinse of the soap forms as well as the bathtub if there is one to show how to keep the place tidy after use. Clean the floor with a mop or rag. This way you don’t have to tell her how to do it but show her through your own example how a bathroom is kept clean after a bath. Do this for about two or three days consistently before gently telling her how to clean up after her.

If she agrees to return, turn her visit into fun. Get to know more about the values and culture of your husband, his likes and dislikes. 

Apologise to your husband and his mother. Let her know that you made a mistake by the way you acted and that you are more than ready to make her visit this time around memorable. Your husband is only reacting to the way you treated his mother. Once you make a U-turn, he would forgive you. 

Whatever happens, learn to see your mother-in-law as an extension of the man you love. This way it would be easier to deal with any disappointment you may encounter in her attitude.

Good luck.

Doubt if she can be good partner

Dear Agatha, 

I am engaged to a woman who from observations of her attitude and behaviours would not give me a peaceful home. But the issue is that I love her so much and she does same thing to me too. The question I want to ask is whether I should go ahead to still marry her despite all that flaws I have noticed in her character?

Worried Fiancé.

Dear Worried Fiancé,

Marriage is a journey you go into well prepared. Even though it is a product of sentimental feelings, only reality gives substance to it. It is a journey of determination, sacrifices, understanding, fellowship, friendship, tolerance, understanding, patience, respect, responsibilities, loyalty and endurance. It is also something one goes into full of wisdom.

Furthermore, a couple must strive to patent its marriage to make it work well. 

A home that lacks peace cannot develop beyond a level. While it is true that it takes two to make a marriage work, the truth is that it takes one very patient partner to make it work. There is no mortgaging peace in the home. If you are determined to marry this woman despite all the issues you have against her behaviour and attitude, you must be ready to be the patient partner. The one who would make the most sacrifices, give the most and who would be ready at all times to look the other way when issues come up in the marriage.  

Do have such elasticity to endure the pains of unconditional sacrifices? This is the kind of sacrifice that demands you at times forget that you head the home simply for peace to reign. 

Sometimes this kind of sacrifice could cost you the friendship of some of your friends and family members who would attribute your attitude to the power of witchcraft by your wife. This is the kind of attitude that would make you enjoy the marriage. One thing is to go into marriage with idealism another, is to go into it with reality. 

You would have no excuse later in future if you come back to begin to complain about this woman because she has been honest with you in displaying who she is to you. Other women would have tried to hide their bad sides, but showing you in details of who she is, gives you the ample opportunity to think properly on your decision to spend the rest of your life with her before going into it. 

Be very honest with yourself, can you cope with all these differences for the rest of your life? Do you have the temperament and maturity to ignore her when she starts misbehaving? Do you have what it takes to step aside and allow her have the centre stage when the need arises?

Marriage is not a bed of roses. Before one can get to the roses, the person must first deal with the sharp thorns of the stem that guard the rose flowers. 

The final decision is yours to make. If you know you have what it takes, go ahead as long as you are able to define the peace you want around her kind of person and not what you think. In life the ultimate decision is always ours to make, God ensured that by giving us the right of freewill. You are the one at the centre of it all, who would wear the shoes and live with the decisions you make today. As long as you have properly thought about it, know that you would find it hard to get a woman to replace her in your life. Whatever her shortcomings are, you would be able to manage them. To help you further, learn to be her best friend. It is always easier to be very accommodative of a friend than a lover. You must learn to do things together as a team. This is the only way for you to be helping yourself find that peace in your choice of a partner.

But if you know, you can’t, don’t bother to go beyond this point because on the long run, you will out of frustration end the marriage.

Move away from her for a while, a holiday to think of what your life would be without her. Pinpoint that special thing in her; let it be in your mind because when the challenges come. It is that special feature about her that would make it easy for you to endure the aspects of her you don’t like. 

The essence of being on your own is the fact that you may not be able to pinpoint precisely what makes her extra-ordinary if you two are together. Such things are best found out when alone, away from the person. You really need to do this for the sake of what you share.

Aside this fact, learn from now that we are all imperfect and that just as she has her own weakness so you have yours. Marriage is a matter of blending our differences to get a wholesome picture. 

It is also pertinent you call her to discuss your fears with her. She may not have had the privilege of being told that what she is doing is bad. Besides unless told by someone close to us, that special person in our lives, we seldom take serious views of other people about us. Confronted with the fear of losing someone she loves so much, she would put in extra effort to change her attitude to a certain degree. It may not be total but her efforts when combined with your resolve to tolerate her would add up to give you the kind of home you want. It may not be precisely what you have in mind but it would be very close to it.

In addition, you must also learn to take the lead in prayers because there is nothing God cannot do.

Good luck. 

He is more interested in my body

Dear Agatha, 

I am 17 years of age. I met my boyfriend when I was 16. He promised to marry me in five years time. He is fond of fondling and sucking my breasts. I love him so much and he claims to love me as well. But I have this fear he is only interested in my breasts. When I tell him such a thing is reserved for married couple, he says he is willing to wait for me. He is through with his studies and promises to marry me once I am ready. He has his own businesses and I know him and his siblings very well. I am in SS. 3.

Joyce. 

Dear Joyce, 

If he loves you, tell him to wait for you. At 17, you are too young and have too much to lose if this thing he is doing to you degenerates to full blown lovemaking. He has graduated; you haven’t even finished secondary school. You still have to go through the university to be ready to settle down.

You may get to the university and discover you don’t have the same kind of feelings you have for him now. There is every possibility that you may discover that the qualities you think you see in him now are not really what you want in the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with; this realization would definitely motivate your need to move on with your life. The decision may not be so easy if you are involved sexually because sex has a way of interfering with sound judgment of a potentially contentious issue in a relationship. Sex, only serves as a useful bond in a well defined relationship like marriage. Until a relationship calumniates in marriage, it is still a promissory note hence the need for a young girl like you whose future is premised on whatever decisions she takes today to be extremely careful.

At 17, the risks of allowing him touch you in your sensitive zones are too much to contemplate. Because your hormones are developing and questing for fulfillment, coupled with the natural inquisitiveness of the youths, you both could get to a point of no return and go into full blown lovemaking. It might just happen when you are most susceptible to getting pregnant. Even though pregnancy is the most touted risk, it is actually the least of the many dangers a woman who engages in premature or unprotected sex could incur. Many girls have had their wombs damaged beyond repairs, weakened their wombs due to repeated abortions, reduced their chances of becoming mothers as a result of this too. Some are not so lucky to be alive to even tell the story of their lives while others end up with one form of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) or the other. The risk is often more heavy on the side of the woman.

There are also some pregnancies a woman would have no choice but keep because they come with severe threat to her own life. How would you feel if at this stage in your life, you get pregnant and have to keep the baby? How would you feel if you have to write your final examinations pregnant? Can you withstand the shame, the stress, disappointment of your parents and friends? How would you feel when you are at home nursing and changing diapers while your friends are going to school and enjoying the freedom and fun of their age? Think of the time you would use in catching up with the people who were once your contemporaries. As a matter of fact, only few lucky women get back on track after such an experience.

Besides, aborting pregnancy in itself is a sin against God. Some women without obvious medical problems simply just cannot conceive again after aborting a pregnancy.

There is no way he would encourage you at this age to keep a pregnancy at this stage of your life.  Your best option is for you to stay away from him. He should allow you grow up, get mature and in a position to make objective decisions concerning your life. That you know his parents, siblings or that he has businesses you know of, is not the issue here; what is the kind of life and future you want for yourself. Any man who has respect for his woman, particularly one as young as you must learn to apply self control at all times. To be able to weather this storm, refuse to be in a lonely place with him. Sincerely, he may desire not to touch you but the temptations of being alone with you could actually make him break his own promise. The chemistry between a man and woman could at times be too potent to handle.

Furthermore, the issue of a man and marriage should not be your concern now. What you should be concentrating on is passing your examinations and completing your education. This way you will put yourself in a good platform to bargain your respect with any man in future. There would be plenty of time for men later in life.

Good luck.

He’s nice, but too old for my liking

Dear Agatha, 

I am 20 years of age and reside in Abuja. Before I gained admission into school, I was working and met this man who declared his love for me. He is actually responsible for my care and stay in school. But the problem is I don’t love him at all, already he is talking about marriage. He is 38 years of age. I don’t know what to do because I am in love with a guy who is 24 years old. 

Please tell me what to do, as I cannot displease myself to please him. 

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

You cannot displease yourself yet you are willing to make him displease himself by paying your schools as well as picking your other bills? 

If you know you have a boyfriend you are in love with, why are you making this man take on your responsibilities and investing his time and emotions on you? Why haven’t you told him to go his way; that you don’t share in the kind of dreams he has for both of you? Why are you accepting all the attention, support and care from him when your mind is given to another man? And do you even know the meaning of love? If you actually claim to love your boyfriend, what kind of sacrifices are you willing to make for the sake if the love? Love comes with so much sacrifice. You should be willing to endure discomfort for the sake of love. If you don’t teach yourself now to endure certain situations, when would you learn to do it? What you are doing now is eating and having your cake. You want the comfort the money of the other man can give you and at the same time you want the thrills of the company of your youngish boyfriend. Life doesn’t work like that. Something must give way to something for a wholesome life.

What you are doing isn’t right at all. Even though you haven’t said it in explicit terms, you don’t want him because you consider him deep in your heart to be too old for you. You don’t love him because you think he lacks the excitement your current boyfriend is giving you. Sincerely, what you are doing is akin to defrauding the man of his hard earned money and could actually spell doom for you later in the future. This is because this man is doing this on the understanding you will become his wife. This is a fact you are aware of. He is training you in the university as his wife, to better your lot in life and to take away some pressures from him later in future. At 38, he is under the impression he has reached his final bus stop, hence is holding nothing back to ensure you don’t lack anything.

It would therefore hurt him beyond measure when you finally tell him that all his investment, both financially, emotionally, materially, spiritually are in vain. By then you would not only be hurting him physically but spiritually as well. 

And this is where the problem usually comes in situations like you have created for yourself. Although so many women think there is really nothing to it and often laugh or scoff at the ideal of a spiritual angle to these issues. The fact remains that the spiritual implications are often than not very disastrous for a woman who intentionally leads a man on knowing that she would never marry him. 

It is always better not to begin something you cannot finish, refuse the sponsorship of a man you are not ready to marry. 

To forestall any future pains and plenty of regrets later in life, do yourself a world of good by coming out with the truth concerning your feelings or plans. Let him know now that you cannot marry him because you don’t feel the same thing he feels for you. The worst that can happen is that you would lose his sponsorship and care. It isn’t right for you to allow one man to train you only for you to marry another. If you truly love your boyfriend and believe in his person, you won’t disrespect him by allowing another man to train you. 

Besides have you thought of the implication on your relationship if this boyfriend of yours finds out that you are involved with another man 14 years his senior in age? You are just as capable of losing the trust and love of this young man in the same way you would the care, attention and support of the older man. Whatever happens, please tell him the truth. Make the choice today before it’s too late for you to redeem your image as well as protect yourself against the backlash of what you are doing. Learn to be honest with yourself, it is the only way you can live life without hassles.

Good luck.

Caught her pants down with another man…

Dear Agatha,

Is it a sin against God to divorce a woman caught sleeping with another man?

Chrysogonus.

Dear Chrysogonus, 

Adultery is the only condition given by the Bible for which a man has a legitimate and religious ground to divorce his wife. 

Once a woman is caught, even in the developed countries in the act of adultery, she loses all forms of respect from everybody. Whatever her husband does is deemed justified. 

Even though the Bible and the society decrees divorce, the final decision is the husband’s to make. The man can, out of personal reason, decide to allow the marriage to continue. It all depends on the level of elasticity the couple has been able to build into the marriage as well as good memories. The decision the man takes at the end of the day also depends on maturity and ability to manage the attendant scandal that comes from knowing that another is having an affair with the woman he calls wife. 

Because marriage is a very complex thing, most times defying clear understanding and reasons, when such matters occur, the man at the centre of it all has the final say on what he wants from his marriage. To this end there is no clear-cut answer. The Bible only prescribes it as a reason for divorce, but doesn’t say a man who has the ability to forgive his wife should not over-look this and stay with her. So the final decision of what you do with your wife is yours to make because God has given you the permission to do so.

Good luck. 

Dear David,
If not for the fact that I’m not in Nigeria, I would have assumed my ex wrote this mail because this looks like my story. I know how you feel about your girlfriend. I’m also a 23-year-old lady that started a relationship with a guy seven years ago. I tell you he really loved me and I made him so miserable by refusing to apologise whenever I’m at fault, and I can assure you that I am always the one at fault. I always use the term break-up because I know he wouldn’t take it. Looking back now, I really regret my actions. My advice to you is that if you really love her, please get close to God and pray for her. Don’t be deceived, that’s the only way.  If you marry her like this, you will never be happy. She will have problem in submitting to you. Bad attitudes like the one she has doesn’t stop easily instead, they multiply. 

Only God can put an end to them. My ex prayed for me seriously and God changed my heart and made me realise my empty pride but it was too late. We are now apart but very good friends. Please don’t give your girlfriend the impression that you can’t do without her, I know it’s not easy but you need to accept that God is your only hope and if He takes something good away from you, He can only give you something better. Please go to God, you might be surprised he will tell you to break up the relationship. Do exactly as you are told and see what God will do in her life. Concerned Friend.

Must he jilt me over mum’s messy past?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.

I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life. 

I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.

This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl,

Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.

Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.

His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty. 

What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man?  These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator. 

What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same. 

If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.

Good luck. 

I want him to join me abroad

Dear Agatha,

Many thanks for your infinite effort in solving problems that have restored many lost souls.

Please I really need your kind advice on a decision that I want to take in my love life. My friends are of the opinion that I would end up disappointed at the end of the day. 

I am so much in love with my boyfriend and willing to spend the rest of my life with him. He is 21years of age while I’m 23years old

We met in Anambra State but he had to leave for Lagos to learn a trade under someone. While we were together in Anambra, he was caring and loving but things changed when he left for Lagos. He didn’t even bother to call me when I was sick. 

In 2009, I was lucky to get to travel and get a job in the United Arab Emirate. Initially when I discussed the prospect of the job and my desire to relocate to that country with him, I got little or no encouragement from me. He dismissed me by asking me to look for something to do with my life. 

Unfortunately for him, his master sent him forth without settling him. I want to bring him to this country so that both of us could be able to start up a better life, which I have promised to him that I will do.

Please tell me if it is this is a wise decision. My friends are of the view that once he settles in, he would forget all about me and begin to date other women. I am totally worn out with confusion. Please help me.

Nekky.

Dear Nekky,

The operative word here is caution. At 21, he isn’t ready for what you have in mind. He still has to plan for his future, establish himself and gain confidence in his ability as a man before he can contemplate marriage. 

Besides, at 21, he hasn’t even started his hunting years as a man. Don’t attempt to cage him by offering him incentives aimed at trapping him into something he is not ready for as well as ill equipped to handle. The young butterfly will always fly, no matter how much you desire to cage it. He still has a lot of catching up to do before he even begins to talk about marriage. Besides, he is yet to gather the maturity to deal with dating a girl two years older than he is. He would always crave for someone younger because for now that is what would keep him excited.

What about his family members and friend? Even if he agrees, have you factored the interest of these groups of people into the whole thing? Be realistic, at 21, he doesn’t have the muscles as well as the total independence to ignore the interest of his family. It would take another decade before he has what it takes to push for marrying an older woman.

The truth is at his age, he cannot function in the role you desire to have him play in your life, which means you would get hurt invariably. If he were older and established, your age differences wouldn’t be a problem at all. But given the tenderness of his age, it might be a little bit difficult for him to manage. In the first instance, you would soon be ready for marriage as a woman. No matter how much you desire this man, a time would come with the pressures from family, friends and your biological clock would push you into considering other options. Furthermore, you would one day get tired of providing for him. As a woman, a time would come when you would begin to resent being the major provider in the home, when you would begin to envy having a man who too would be the one to provide for you as well as make you feel like the woman. 

If you are not careful, you would be the one who would get hurt at the end of the day. If you want to help him and has the ability to, you could because he is your friend and not because you want to use it as a bait to get him to spend the rest of your life with him. 

You could also consider sending some money to him to begin a business. Give him time to grow if you think you have the patience to wait for him to mature into you, but don’t make the mistake of pressurising him because not only does it present you as a desperate woman but also one who lacks the confidence to move on. 

If you are both destined to be together, God in His own way would work things out for you and not you fetching water into a basket. 

Let him be the one to want you and not you doing all the pursuing. He has to want something in you desperately for him to want to make that sort of sacrifice for you. This won’t come from the money or favour you are ready to invest in him but from a deep determination from his end that you are the right kind of woman for him. Therefore, give him the chance to see you as a woman and not a mother figure or his ATM machine. It is only by allowing him work for his money and survival while you give him all the moral support as a woman you can help transform him from a boy to a responsible man.

Good luck. 

My cousin needs help with her marriage

Dear Agatha,

 

About three years ago, I wrote to you concerning the affair my husband had with another woman, which resulted in the woman having a baby for him. You would recall I had wanted to abandon my marriage but thank God I wrote to you and took to your counsel. I went to the woman and took the baby off her like you advised.

Today, that child and I are inseparable. And my husband, like you predicted, changed overnight. Today, a lot of his friends and family members think I have used some charm on him to make him the almost perfect husband he is today. 

I want to thank you so very much for your selfless service to mankind. For helping me find peace in my marriage and life, God will never forget you. 

I also want to say that through your column as well as my experience, I have also become a sort of marriage counsellor to a lot of women and young girls in the church and in my environment. Thank you also for being my mentor.

Agatha, I would appreciate if you help me resolve this problem my cousin is having in her marriage. It is so complex I don’t know what to do or say.

I honestly would have preferred we discussed this one on one but since I live in Port Harcourt now, it isn’t possible.

My cousin who I am just a year older than got married to this man who is the son of a one-time minister. Everybody considered her lucky to have landed that sort of man because everyone thought at 33 she may not get a single man to marry. Little did she or anyone know he is a monster in human form.

Being very close to me, I noticed that she wasn’t her real self when they came back from their honeymoon. I noticed lines under her eyes, bruises and a very sad look on her face despite the wealth that surrounds her. A lot of people including her mother were taken in by her new cars, clothes and jewellery but being very close to her I knew something wasn’t right.

I tried to get her to talk but she kept telling me she was okay. I became really alarmed when she started losing weigh rapidly. Still she wouldn’t tell me anything. When I discussed my worries about her with my husband, he told me to stay off her marriage; that when she wanted my help, she would come of her own accord and that until she does, I should let her be. 

And when she did last week, it was to tell me a story I thought only existed in storybooks. 

The bruises I noticed on her arms, were a child’s play compared to what I saw on her thighs, stomach and her womanhood. She said anytime her husband desires intimacy with her, he first beats her black and blue, with her wrists cuffed to the bed. She said that wasn’t all; that he enjoys videoing all the gory scenes of him beating and sleeping with her which he plays back later to his friends who also come with similar videos of their wives. She said the other wives have learnt to tolerate the situation as a result of the huge money their husbands give them afterwards.

She said she decided to come to me because he tried to make her sleep with his best man while he watched and recorded the scene. If not for the evidences of the mark on her body, I would have called her a liar.

The funny thing about it is her inability to leave him and report to the law enforcement agencies. She said she cannot leave because he has threatened to kill her if she ever leaves him. She cited the example of the wife of one of them who tried spilling the beans dying under very suspicious circumstances. 

She said she needs help now because she is pregnant and would not want the child brought up to witness the shame of her marriage. I tried to make her go to the police but she refused and warned me never to repeat her story to anybody in the family. 

Some few hours after she called, I got a call from her husband who told me not to take whatever his wife told me serious; he actually gave the phone to my cousin who told me that everything she told me was a lie, figments of her imagination.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do especially as my husband has warned me not to get involved in anything concerning my cousin who at her age, he said is old enough to know what she wants from life. 

The issue is would I ever be able to live with myself if something terrible happens to her? I am seriously thinking of going to her parents to report the matter to them but I am afraid it might cause trouble for me between my cousin and I as well as with my husband who is very explicit that I don’t involve myself.

Worried Cousin.

Dear Worried Cousin, 

If your cousin at the centre of a turbulent storm said don’t come, I can cope, there is nothing you can do about it else you would be accused of meddling in another woman’s marriage.

Marriage is sacred like you have found out. It has no place for a third party. You could be accused of being jealous by her parents as well as a section of the family who see her marriage as beneficial to them. You could also be unwittingly putting your husband and children in danger if you involve yourself too much in this matter. 

Every couple has to navigate a path that is workable for them to survive. You found a way out of your own problems in your marriage that is why you are still there with your husband. Granted, you were advised on what to do but the ultimate choice rests with the person at the centre of it. If you had decided to ignore the advice and follow your own desires; there was nothing anybody could have done to make you change your mind or stop what you had in mind.

The same thing applies to your cousin. You have told her what to do, let her decide on what makes her happy.

You may find the story told you by your cousin offensive and unacceptable but as long as she isn’t tired of the situation in her home, you would be accused of interference in your cousin’s marriage. 

Like your husband rightly observed, at her age she isn’t exactly a spring chicken; she is more than old enough to know what she wants as well as the point she would get to and reject what she is going through in the hands of her man. The threat of death would not be enough by then to prevent her from going public with her story and getting the husband to beat a retreat. 

What you should do is simply to keep your line opened to her at all times. Always provide her with a listening ear whenever she needs it but stay away from her home and affairs to avoid complications in your home. You cannot love this woman more than she loves herself. Calling you to refute the story she told you about her husband is enough warning that when the chips are down you would be on your own. She has the potentials of denying you in the presence of everybody.

Her marriage is her story, life and history. You cannot co-author it for her. Give her the space to write her history the way she wants to. Her mother and siblings cannot be blind to the signs you see in her. And if they are pretending all is well with their daughter in her marriage, don’t involve yourself in it. 

All you can do is to pray for her safety and give her support to do what she wants to do when she is ready to do it.

Good luck.

My father disowns me over career, religion…

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years old, an undergraduate who has been denied by his wealthy father over choice of career. My father can’t reconcile himself with my desire to become a successful musician or my course, Theatre Arts. He is also very angry with me over my decision to covert from Islam to Christianity too. 

The fact that I am the first child of the family makes his anger very intense. My problem started when my mother died. Had she been alive, I won’t be having this kind of intense disagreement with my father. She had always understood my passion and person. 

I actually became a Christian when my father took the decision to disown me. It was for me a kind of rebound since his attitude left me with no choice at all. 

When he found out I had gone to church on a Sunday, I thought he was out, the kinds of adjectives he used in qualifying me brought the anger in me to a boiling point. It got me beyond the point of no return. I was irritated immeasurably. He simply ordered me out of his house forcing me to squat with a friend in school who shares my passion for music and entertainment. 

Since leaving home, only my maternal uncle has been in touch with me. None of my father’s relatives have bothered to call my phone or even look for me. They are happy at what is happening to me because it would factor them into inheriting my father’s vast property. 

I laugh at them because despite what is happening between my father and I, I remain his heir. It isn’t as if I am after my father’s wealth in the first place. I want to make my own money. Before she died my mother always told me to believe in myself as well as follow my dream.

Right now I just want to talk to you as I battle to settle down with the choices I have made.

Abdulrahman.

Dear Abdulrahman, 

There is no victory in life without overcoming challenges. You just must find a way of staying focused if you intend to show your father that you know what you are doing and that being a musician or in the entertainment world doesn’t amount to failure in life.

That you can be as important a person, if not more than those in the profession he wants you to go into.

You won’t be the first to be rejected for following in your choice of career and religion. Ask those who are today household names in the entertainment industry, their experiences aren’t different from what you are going through now. 

Your father is reacting in this manner because he doesn’t understand the value of the entertainment industry to the society, and thinks like most people that only dropouts go into it. It now behooves you to change his mind by applying everything you have to your dreams. In his shoes too, you would do the same if not worse. 

Right in your hands, you carry the power to make or mar your dreams as well as helping to make your father more broadminded about most things in life.

To get it right, you must first let go of all those pent up anger against him. Don’t lose sight of the fact that not only have you told him that his religion, the one he has known all is life isn’t good enough for you but also taken on a career that he considers to be for children of the never to do well in the society. In more than one-way you have not only hurt him, but disappointed him too as well. 

Don’t also forget that you are his first child and son, his pride and hope for the future. Like every father, rich or poor, you are expected to carry on in the family tradition and in his case, continue with the empire he has built. From the day you were born, he has it all mapped out for you, hence the bitterness, sense of betrayal and frustration at your line of action.

If you understand where he is coming from, it would be very easy for you to appreciate him as well as forgive his conclusions as well as decisions concerning you. Even though it is not expedient for you to go to him now given the intensity of the disagreement, but learn to keep an absolute opened mind about him. Use his rejection as fuel for your ambition. Don’t ever give him the chance to say I told you so. If you fail, you would not only be giving him the chance to laugh at you but all those family members who out of greed and quest for relevance in his presence will laugh at you as incapable of being able to care for your heritage.

And if you really want to concentrate on your studies and interest, please forget what and who your father is. Ignore his wealth or those you think are angling for privileged share of it. It would certainly spell doom to your dreams of moving on in life if you allow the vanity of your father’s wealth or the bother of who gets what at the end of the day get at you.

As a Christian, you should place all your trust in the God you now serve as well give Him the absolute authority to direct your life the way He planned it long before you were conceived in your mother’s womb. If it is His wish, those things that belong to your father would come back to you and what more, you may not even need them by the time he wants you to come for them. God who has set an agenda for you would have blessed you beyond your imagination.

At 20, you still have a long way to go in life before you come fully into your dreams. What you should ensure is that this dream of yours isn’t a fleeting one, done on impulse but one you embarked on after a lot of thoughts and interest. God may have pulled you out of that house to enable you focus, to train you in the task of self-dependence and actualisation. Your father’s wealth may be for now a major hindrance to your dreams as well as the job God has in store for you.

The purest of gold emerges only after enduring the intensity of a very hot fire. To make it and stand out, you just must endure hardship to climb the ladder of success. Being a pacesetter to this new field in your family, rejection comes with the package. 

Being a newly converted Christian, you must learn from this early stage to depend absolutely on God’s directives alone. So forget who you have been to this point to what you will be from now on. God never begins something He wouldn’t finish and from my experiences in life, the best destinations in life have unwinding, thorn fields, frustrating, and painful sacrifices routes. You have to make very painful sacrifices, be patient and submissive to the God’s will to get it right. Most times, along this road, you will feel like turning back and giving it all up, but not ever, your joy is waiting patiently for you to come at the end of the grueling journey. If you read the story of Jesus Christ from birth to death and even to resurrection, you will have a clear idea of what you are expected to do at all times as a Christian.

This time is also meant for you to immerse yourself with the words of God and getting to know Him better. 

Make good use of every opportunity you have to come out best in your dreams as well as in your relationship with God. 

Your key is prayer. With prayers, open heart and faith, there are no mountains you cannot overcome no matter how difficult the beginning could be. At every point, you must also strive to forgive from the depth of your heart. God doesn’t bless those who habour any resentment or find it difficult to forgive. This you must hold dearly to, because He is a God who forgives us every second of the day. 

From time to time, send your father constructive text messages asking after his health and well-being. He may not reply, but keep it up to send the message of your love, respect and appreciation of who he is to you. It is important you do that because one of the most important laws of God says we should honour our parents so that our days on earth may be long. No matter how impossible one’s parents are; one must know that God didn’t make a mistake in making us pass through them, and not through others. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart 

Dear Agatha, 

Thanks a lot with the way you proffer solutions to our
various love needs. I am a graduate from one of the eastern
universities and also reside in the East, Anambra precisely. I’m 24 and still a virgin. I need a God-fearing girl for a healthy relationship.
Please really need your help. Interested ladies should get in touch with me through this phone no, 08181362200

Peter.

He can’t respect the wish to hallow my virginity…

Dear Agatha, 

Please I need your help. I am a girl of 21years of age and still a virgin. There is this guy I met last year, whom I told of my desire to keep my virginity till my wedding night. 

He accepted on the condition that he would still play with me. I reluctantly accepted, but he went too far. Even though he didn’t break his promise I couldn’t take it. So I left him.

We met again this year and after sensing his sincerity I decided to go back to him. Now we’re having the same problem we had last year. I am afraid if we continue like this, he might lose control one day and go all the way. Honestly, I don’t consider myself a virgin, because deep down I feel like a hypocrite. I don’t want to indulge in any form of sexual activity until I am married.

My friends are of the opinion that such men are rare, that it would be difficult to find a man who would allow my stand.  Please, I need your advice, because I am losing focus. 

Worried Baby.

Dear Worried Baby,

When a resolve is made, it is dangerous to bend, no matter how slightly. To bend is to make nonsense of the reason given for such resolve in the first place. And when it comes to the issue of no sex before marriage, it is always very honourable for the woman making the rules to be definite. 

Telling him he can touch you gives him the blanket licence to misbehave. Sincerely, if he goes all the way, you cannot blame him for breaking your own resolve to remain a virgin until your wedding night.

Don’t forget he is a grown man, used to having sex and would react like every normal male who holds a woman in his arms in a secluded room. Men are by nature excited and stimulated by what they see and showing him the least sign of cooperation in the quietness of a room is enough incentive for him to forget whatever he told you before you walked into a room with him. What you are doing to him is too much of a temptation. Any woman who goes into the room with a man and says she doesn’t want him to go all the way is regarded as unserious and dishonest to herself. It is either you don’t allow him get too close to you or refuse to go with him without a chaperon into any lonely place. 

Honestly you are tempting fate and he won’t be blamed if he loses self-will one day and does what you claim you don’t want him to do. 

Therefore if serious about keeping that virginity of yours, don’t allow him touch your body at all, because you are also very capable of capitulating before you know what is happening to your body. It is a simple matter of him touching you in the right place and all self-control or promise you made to yourself would be forgotten in the heat and urgency of appeasing the huge ache inside of you. This is the reality of life.

No matter how much you want him in your life, you have to place what is important to you on the front burner. If your virginity is precious to you, then make it clear to him that he has the choice of either accepting your condition for him not to touch you at all or no game. When it comes to the issues of the heart, especially the knotty issue of sex, there are always no half measures or sentiments. It is either you want it or you don’t. 

He has to key into what you want because it is your body and until the right man comes, you are your final gatekeeper. Therefore there are no compromise positions in matters like this. It is either he agrees whole-heartedly to the condition you are placing first or leaves you to wait patiently for the man who has value for your body. 

Contrary to what your friends say, there are men who can actually have the self-control not to touch until their wedding night. It is a matter of these men knowing what they want from their women as well as the trust to want to wait.  If this man is going to take you serious, you have to be bold enough to declare in implicit terms what you really want as well as what your real values are.  

Your focus should remain on what you hope to achieve in life and marriage by your decision to remain a virgin until your wedding night. Once you have that implanted in your mind, it would be difficult for any man to get close to breaking you before your time is ripe. The thought of the look of appreciation and pride on your husband’s face on your wedding night should fuel your determination not to make the mistake of giving any man the chance to be too close for comfort.

Good luck. 

He can’t respect the wish to hallow my virginity…He can’t respect the wish to hallow my virginity…

Dear Agatha, 

Please I need your help. I am a girl of 21years of age and still a virgin. There is this guy I met last year, whom I told of my desire to keep my virginity till my wedding night. 

He accepted on the condition that he would still play with me. I reluctantly accepted, but he went too far. Even though he didn’t break his promise I couldn’t take it. So I left him.

We met again this year and after sensing his sincerity I decided to go back to him. Now we’re having the same problem we had last year. I am afraid if we continue like this, he might lose control one day and go all the way. Honestly, I don’t consider myself a virgin, because deep down I feel like a hypocrite. I don’t want to indulge in any form of sexual activity until I am married.

My friends are of the opinion that such men are rare, that it would be difficult to find a man who would allow my stand.  Please, I need your advice, because I am losing focus. 

Worried Baby.

Dear Worried Baby,

When a resolve is made, it is dangerous to bend, no matter how slightly. To bend is to make nonsense of the reason given for such resolve in the first place. And when it comes to the issue of no sex before marriage, it is always very honourable for the woman making the rules to be definite. 

Telling him he can touch you gives him the blanket licence to misbehave. Sincerely, if he goes all the way, you cannot blame him for breaking your own resolve to remain a virgin until your wedding night.

Don’t forget he is a grown man, used to having sex and would react like every normal male who holds a woman in his arms in a secluded room. Men are by nature excited and stimulated by what they see and showing him the least sign of cooperation in the quietness of a room is enough incentive for him to forget whatever he told you before you walked into a room with him. What you are doing to him is too much of a temptation. Any woman who goes into the room with a man and says she doesn’t want him to go all the way is regarded as unserious and dishonest to herself. It is either you don’t allow him get too close to you or refuse to go with him without a chaperon into any lonely place. 

Honestly you are tempting fate and he won’t be blamed if he loses self-will one day and does what you claim you don’t want him to do. 

Therefore if serious about keeping that virginity of yours, don’t allow him touch your body at all, because you are also very capable of capitulating before you know what is happening to your body. It is a simple matter of him touching you in the right place and all self-control or promise you made to yourself would be forgotten in the heat and urgency of appeasing the huge ache inside of you. This is the reality of life.

No matter how much you want him in your life, you have to place what is important to you on the front burner. If your virginity is precious to you, then make it clear to him that he has the choice of either accepting your condition for him not to touch you at all or no game. When it comes to the issues of the heart, especially the knotty issue of sex, there are always no half measures or sentiments. It is either you want it or you don’t. 

He has to key into what you want because it is your body and until the right man comes, you are your final gatekeeper. Therefore there are no compromise positions in matters like this. It is either he agrees whole-heartedly to the condition you are placing first or leaves you to wait patiently for the man who has value for your body. 

Contrary to what your friends say, there are men who can actually have the self-control not to touch until their wedding night. It is a matter of these men knowing what they want from their women as well as the trust to want to wait.  If this man is going to take you serious, you have to be bold enough to declare in implicit terms what you really want as well as what your real values are.  

Your focus should remain on what you hope to achieve in life and marriage by your decision to remain a virgin until your wedding night. Once you have that implanted in your mind, it would be difficult for any man to get close to breaking you before your time is ripe. The thought of the look of appreciation and pride on your husband’s face on your wedding night should fuel your determination not to make the mistake of giving any man the chance to be too close for comfort.

Good luck.