My New Wife Maltreats My Daughter

Dear Agatha,

I lost my first wife eight years ago to childbirth and since then I have struggled with the help of my late mother to raise our only child. She actually died precisely a year after our wedding.

It was devastating because she and I dated for close to six years before we finally decided to get married.

The pain of losing her at first made me reject the child until my mother’s death forced me to take the child. At the time my mother died three years ago, I had gotten over the death of my wife considerably and could afford to have my daughter around me. Although she still looked like her mother but the memories were getting more positive and not those dreadful pains of those early dark days.

Since bringing her to stay with me, the task of looking after her has taken so much of my time and frankly I cannot enforce the discipline she needs at this stage of her life to remain the good girl my mother brought her up to be. My only sister, who would have taken her in lives in Australia with her family.

Last year, I had to reconsider my stance on not marrying again. I remarried only to discover that she is a mean woman, who starves my daughter and makes her do all the housework when I am out.

Although my neighbours are all aware of what is going on in my house, nobody including my daughter, told me anything.

I only got to know when I came back from a trip to Ghana unexpectedly to discover my daughter didn’t go to school, hadn’t eaten because she had chores to do. My wife who had gone to work left clothes she was to have taken to the dry cleaners for my daughter to wash including bed-sheets and curtains.

My outrage forced my neighbours and my daughter to open up to me. For the five days I was away, she hadn’t gone to school and my wife warned my daughter it would be the end of her if I ever found out what was happening during my absence.

When she came back and met me at home; she was shocked and began to cry for forgiveness claiming my love for my daughter and the memories of late wife is why she is punishing the girl.

She says she is jealous of my daughter and wants her to fail in her studies.

My fear now is she is capable of hurting the child if I am not around to protect this girl. Although she promised to change, what I witnessed and found out shows she is capable of doing anything.

Beyond her attitude is the realisation that I made a serious mistake marrying her. We don’t have anything in common. I married her under native laws and customs two months after I met her due to all the pressures around me.

What do you suggest I do because I simply cannot continue to live with her again?

Please help me.

Delaja.

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Dear Delaja,

For the time being there may be the need for you to look for a school with good boarding facility for your daughter. There is no way she can grow healthily under the current conditions she finds herself.

Even if your wife sticks to her promise to change, there is the issue of the physiological that has been created by her careless handling of your daughter. She has murdered trust by her wickedness to this innocent mind. It will take almost forever for her to undo the harm she has done to this child. Don’t forget your daughter’s heart is still tender and fragile. Not having you in her early life, not understanding why she doesn’t have a mother like all the other children, just coming to accept that her mother died giving birth to her and will never be available to her, losing the warmth of her grandmother and the only mother she knows are enough daunting challenges for someone so young.

To add a wicked stepmother is more than this young girl can manage. Sending her to a boarding school may not be the best choice but under these circumstances, it is better. She has to be free to discover who she is, free to find the warmth of trusting friends in addition to freedom to be herself.

This is a very delicate stage for her, a stage in which she has to build her self-confidence, begin the process of building her dreams and finding her rhythm in life. She needs the freedom to be happy in an atmosphere that is enveloped in love and tender care.

There are very good boarding houses. It may not satisfy you absolutely at least you and your child will have the peace of mind knowing she is in good hands. This is until you and your wife are able to sort out your personal issues.

Doubtless, her absence will give your wife the much needed room to establish herself in your home without the constant reminder that she is being used to care for another woman’s child or that you don’t love her at all.

While not justifying her attitude, some of them may have been brought about by your own attitude towards her. Since coming into your life, what assurances have you given her that you intend this marriage to work and she is not just a piece of furniture in your life?

Jealousy is a dreadful feeling. It could turn an otherwise good-natured person into something else, especially a woman who craves the attention of her husband but isn’t getting it. It could be very frustrating and discouraging. This is why she may be taking it out on your daughter knowing that it is the only way she could hurt you as much as your indifference to her is hurting her.

It is imperative both of you sit down to discuss. Divorce is usually not the first option but the last and that is when everything else fails. Granted, she has made a mistake but if she says she is sorry, let the matter rest and give her the chance to demonstrate what she has said.

Like I said, jealousy can bring out the beast in even an angel if the person isn’t strong enough to resist it. Use the opportunity provided by the absence of your daughter to properly woo her as a woman. Get to know her and give her the opportunity to know you too. Let her understand beyond looking for a mother figure for your daughter, you also desire a wife, sister, partner and above all your best friend. Begin the courtship you both didn’t have now by taking her to places you would have loved to visit with a woman you are dating. Romance is the cure for jealousy and depression. Once she has the confidence in your love, is secured in your heart, she would have the space to extend part of it to your daughter. For now she doesn’t have love in her own life hence lacks anything to give to your daughter. Something comes from something.

Develop the patience as well as understanding for her to make her mistakes as a human being; one which she has already made and also learn to forgive her.

The danger of not allowing this incident die a natural death is the danger it would present to your daughter later in life especially when she starts having children of her own. It is very easy for her to pass on the poison of hatred to her own children; your daughter being the only one will never be able to enjoy the love and warmth of her father and home like she would have loved to.

Whereas, if you allow this woman forget her mistake, she will find it in her heart someday to embrace your daughter without any trace of jealousy or bitterness.

You can only talk about divorce if she refuses to change and continues to treat your daughter terribly.

Above all, both of you should develop a strong prayer life because a home where God rules doesn’t suffer hatred or jealousies.

Good luck.

Memory Of Serial Sexual Abuses Haunt Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 16 years of age and have been suffered serial sexual abuses. My parents are unaware of these abuses. The only person in the family who is in the know is my cousin.

I have been able to put this ugly past behind me until I was almost raped by my friend. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hurting any man I met to avenge what men have done to me irrespective of who they are or feel for me. I feel so terrible. Please help me.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

At 16 you are far too young to have tasted what you have gone through as well as harbour this amount of hatred and negative feelings inside of you.

I am worried because these experiences if not properly handled will destroy you as the years roll by. That you have made up your mind to even the score show the presence of a psychological trauma. You need urgently to talk to someone, to hold the child that has been lost inside of you, a voice to give you hope and help you look at life and men from a different perspective.

It is unfortunate that your parents are unaware of what is happening to you and the lack of someone within the family whose shoulders and ears you need the most now to survive this dangerous phase of your life.

If there is any way you can come to our office, please don’t hesitate to come so we can have a mother and daughter discussion. So, many questions are hanging from your letter. In the first instance, who are these men or man that violated you? How did it all start? Where were you first abused? Can you remember how it all happened and the feelings you felt afterwards? Are these men still present in your life? In what ways do you think your parents are responsible? Do you think they could have done anything to prevent it or their attitude contributed to this situation in your life? Do you consider yourself responsible for all these, blame yourself that you are doing something wrong or think men are all brutes?

These are questions you must have to answer to be able to put the situation behind you. Your friend’s attitude only brought back an issue that has not really died in your heart. What you have done is simply to lock away the problem, not to surf through it with a view of trashing the dustbin.

You need, through the help of others, to come to terms with what happened to you. The essence is to help you examine things to avoid now and later in life, the tell tale signs of when a man has more than a passing interest in your body as well as the mannerism men put up when they are on excessive and uncontrollable heat.

At what point did this friend of yours attempt raping you? Where were both of you and how much of a friend has he been?

Like I said, it is important you and I talk. If you are not in Lagos, send me a text so I can call you.

In the meantime, don’t put yourself in any compromising position or situation that would give any man the power to influence you for his selfish end. This means avoid being alone with a man in a secluded place.

The bad thing about revenge missions like this is the self-destruction that takes place at the end of the day. Being a woman, you will be the one to suffer the most, not the men who would gladly have your body. The consequences aren’t usually as severe on them except when they come down with sexually transmitted diseases.

It is the woman’s biological functions nature that has the higher risk factors.

For the sake of the future you hope to have some day with that real man who despite your past would love and cherish you.

God will see you through.

Good luck.

After He Tricked Me To Pluck My Flower…

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in ‘Daily Independent’ Newspaper I have made it my daily guidance.

I am a 22-year-old lady who has been struggling for sometime now with the Joint Admission and Matriculation Examinations (JAMB). I am currently employed on a monthly salary of N13, 000. Unfortunately I fell into relationship with a guy, who promised to marry me from the first time we met if I am able to get admission into the university.

He actually promised we would marry either in my first or second year. I used to sing in the church and participate in different activities in the church but couldn’t continue when I met this guy. The first time he asked me to visit him at home demanded to have sex with me.

I explained to him that yielding to his request would become a hindrance to my God and me. But he assured me that since we were in love and going to be married it wasn’t a problem. So I agreed to have sex with him.

Severally, I told him if he knew he was going to disappoint me, we should stop having sex but he kept assuring me that we would end up married. He promised to come and see my parents.

To my surprise, he came to my house recently to call off the relationship. According to him, he decided to call off the relationship because it was taking us nowhere and that he has made up his mind to treat me like his sister.

According to him, he has become a born again.

Agatha, advise me on what to do now that he has defiled me and cheated on me. I promise not to forgive him for the rest of my life. When I asked about myself, he said is it a crime for him to come and tell me what he has in his mind? Please I’m hurt right now I can do anything that will harm him because of the pain he gave to my life.

Disappointed Lady.

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Dear Disappointed Lady,

Don’t allow what he did to you make you do something you will forever regret. Life is too short and delicate to be so wasted. Allow the past to rest where it belongs.

But if the truth must be told, he didn’t do it alone, everything he did was with your consent. You were the one who failed yourself, not the man who made false promises to you.

From the very beginning this man gave you clues into his person but you didn’t bother to examine them. He told you from the beginning you both met that he would only marry you if you gained admission into the university but you still allowed yourself to be persuaded by him to have access into your body. You gave in to him because you also desired sex. He didn’t force you into it. You had a choice to insist you won’t do it but because you didn’t want to lose him as well as a deeply rooted desire to have knowledge of sex, you allowed yourself to be persuaded by him. Your hatred would have been understandable if he raped you. He didn’t only played on your weakness as a woman. It is the right of the men to come with numerous promises because they know most women want to hear that, while it is the prerogative of the woman to either accept or reject. In your case, you elected to accept. So it would be unfair to heap the blame of this whole thing on his head alone. Admit to your own folly in this matter, it is the only way you can bury this episode with the maturity it deserves behind you once and for all.

Were you smart enough, you too would have told him to wait for you to gain admission into the university before agreeing to sleep with him since that was the same condition he gave you. If a university education is what qualifies you to become his wife, you should have also insisted that he could only have sex with you when you become an undergraduate.

He didn’t hide his double standards from you at all but you were too carried away by your own emotions and needs to think straight.

Rather than blame him for your failure to be faithful to God and enforce your own rules, blame yourself for the weakness of the flesh because a man can promise or say anything to get his way with the woman, it is the woman’s business to resist as well as interpret her own happiness.

Were you really committed to God, you will never have allowed this man persuade you against betraying your position in the church. You would have continued in your work while setting the pace for him to follow. Being your own gatekeeper, the man didn’t gate crash. You gave him of your freewill chose to believe everything he told you without questioning his motives. You weren’t sincere to God so can you expect this man to be sincere to you? You put him above the God you were working for and serving. Sincerely, there is nothing you can do about what happened between the two of you. Bitter as it is, let go of the memories. To continue to hold on to them is to cause yourself further pains, which may lead you into doing something stupid. Believe me, you don’t have the patent for this type of pains or disappointments. Women before you have suffered the same things and uncountable number of women after you will still suffer from it. It is the cycle of life. We have to lose something to gain something provided we are willing to subject ourselves to the lesson of experience.

Now you know what to believe and what not and everything you should never allow to happen in your next relationship. This is not to say you shouldn’t trust your next man but that you should be as wise as the serpent to stay focused in a relationship.
The truth is that relationship is unavoidable, but know your limits until you are licensed to do everything a woman and a man can do together as a couple.

To avoid making more complicating mistakes in your life, don’t rush into any relationship for now. Give yourself enough time to heal and to have a clearer picture of your vision as young woman. Once that is done, it would be easier for you to set priorities and stick to them without difficulties.

Good luck.

She Dreams What I Consider Immature

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age. All the three relationships I have had never last beyond one year. All the women seem interested in is marriage only. They demand for marriage, I can’t promise them since I am only 21 years of age.

Besides, I feel that there is a difference between seeking a wife and friendship.

There is this girl I met on phone. We have known each other for a year now. Before we started, I told her about my past relationships. She therefore promised never to make the same mistake.

But last week her aunty and mother called me. I was too angry that I had to cut them off. I know I have hurt her, though I still love her, but she’s too forward. She seems not to understand that I am not ready for the type of commitment she is looking for now. She thinks I am a devil’s incarnate.

Victor.

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Dear Victor,

No matter how frustrated or irritated you were by the antics of your girlfriend, you shouldn’t have terminated the calls of her mother and aunty in such a rude manner. In the first place, you didn’t know why they called you or what they wanted. To assume they called you to discuss is rather presumptuous.

The fact that all the girls you have dated so far end up having the same problems with you shows that your problem is that of choice. What kind of girls are you dating? What are the similarities between all these girls? What are their age groups? What impression do you give them of yourself?

There is no way you would keep experiencing the same problem in all your relationships without you being a major factor. So look at your own mistakes. Can you recall anything you are doing wrong? Promises you are making which are giving these ladies the wrong impressions of you?

I am sure if you are honest, you will come to appreciate that just like love, it also takes two to create a problem in a relationship.

Yes, be my girlfriend is different from be my wife. This is the point most girls get it all wrong, but men must also understand that when they insist the girlfriend plays the role of a wife, they give the woman the room to dream big.

When the first thing a man demands from the woman he knows he has no intentions of marrying is free access to her body, there is nothing stopping that woman from wanting to be a wife since she is good enough to grace the man’s bed.

This is the complication most men bring on themselves and which I am sure is the reason all these girls are dreaming of becoming your wife.

If you are matured enough to sleep with them, you should be matured enough to handle the natural progress that comes from a man and woman having sex.

If you eliminate sex from the beginning of your relationships with these girls, they won’t make the mistake of expecting you to give the type of commitment you are not ready to offer.

Good luck.

She Harps On Reasons We Can’t Get Married

Dear Agatha,

I want to say a big thank you for the good job you are doing and the positive impact you are having on the numerous readers of your column. I can only pray that God will continue to bless you with more wisdom as well as strength to continue in your selfless service to humanity.

The problem confronting me has to do with my four-year-old relationship. I desired to marry my fiancée but things took a different turn when I suggested we stopped making love until we got married.

I expected her to be happy and support my suggestion but instead, she objected. She insisted it wasn’t right for me to take that decision all alone. She didn’t stop there. She also questioned my motive for such a decision.

To cap it all, she decided to terminate the relationship. She said she has found someone else that God says we are not meant for each other and so many things, I can’t repeat here.

Because of my love for her, I pleaded with her not to leave me and even went to the extent of sending my friends to beg her. She agreed to come back to me on the condition that we would resume lovemaking. I agreed and things were normal between us for two months after which she came up to say she is not happy, that she came back thinking that we could achieve the type of happiness we had before the break. She also said her father would not support our union.

Agatha, I do not understand her. I do not know whether my current state of unemployment is responsible for her behaviour. I plan to travel soon to either United Kingdom or Japan and come back to marry her. What do I do? Should I quit or continue? I am really tired of her behaviour. I have not dated any girl for the past four years since I started dating her. I have been faithful to her and I know she too has been faithful to me. She even told me she no longer has feelings for me. What she is doing to me is really painful. Please tell me what to do?

Chris.

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Dear Chris,

It is clear she no longer enjoys your company. You cannot continue to force her to feel what she no longer feels for you. It would only make you both unhappy and unfulfilled at the end of the day.

Hurtful as her attitude is, you should really be grateful she is not one of those girls that delight in two timings. No matter what her other faults are, at least she is very honest about her feelings.

If she didn’t complain about your lack of job all these while, it may not be the immediate reason she is behaving this way. Though could be a remote one.

Your decision to stop having sex with her threw up a lot of hidden problems that were hitherto buried in your relationship. First is the issue of sex. It is very apparent both of you don’t have same ideologies to life. While you appreciate, though belatedly, that sex is not necessary in a premarital relationship, she does not subscribe to such impression. She is one of the girls who thinks sex can he enjoyed at any point in time.

Your decision not to have sex any longer with her without first discussing your reasons before coming to a conclusion may also be a reason she is putting up this behaviour. Granted, your motives are commendable and gallant, but you forgot to carry her along in your decision thus failing to win her support for your intention. If you both had agreed from the very beginning to stay off sex, she wouldn’t have felt betrayed by your unilateral decision to change the game pattern. Try imaging she is the one changing the rules midway into the game, how would you feel?

Keeping and nurturing a relationship is one of the most complex things in life. What one party conceives as being in the interest of the other often turns out to be a big problem if not done with wisdom. Ordinarily she should commend you for the decision to discontinue sexual relationship with her until she becomes your wife. For respecting her enough to realise sex outside marriage is cheap and cheapens the woman most of all and for showing her that you do not need sex to demonstrate your love for her.

But she is not. Your good intention has turned soured and become a threat to your once wonderful relationship simply because you went about it wrongly. The inherent lesson here is to communicate and discuss your every thought with your partner, obtain his or her support before arriving at a conclusion. To assume the other would be smitten over with what in one of the party’s opinion is a wonderful decision is very wrong. This omission is the reason many relationships are running into muddy waters. Communication and dialogue are integral to conducting a successful relationship. Nobody likes to be taken for granted or played as inconsequential in any partnership. On this premise, you were really wrong and presumptuous to think she would jump at your decision. It smacks of arrogance.

Since she has refused to reason with you and has gone to say her father would never support your union, see this development as one of those divinely planned interventions intended to protect us from future pains and disappointments.

A woman or man who has dissimilar visions from that of his or her partner is best left to find another partner whose vision matches his or hers. You may temporarily feel pain and a sense of bereavement at the death of those dreams you hoped to share with her but look at the positive side, a chance to start all over again with a woman who would make you very happy and more importantly who shares your dream.

It could also emanate from your inability or refusal to get a job. She may be opposed to the idea of you travelling or does not see any viability in it. This coupled with your decision not to have sex with her may have brought to the fore her most hidden fears that she may completely lose your love if you travel out. She, like some women think men stay most faithful to women whom they are sexually committed to.

To avoid having similar problem in any new relationship, be direct and honest with the woman from the beginning. Share all your plans and dreams with her from the day you decide to go out with her. No matter how laudable an intention may be, don’t change the goalpost at the middle of the game without first discussing the reasons and need for it with your partner. Many people react with offence to being taken for granted in that manner. I am sure you too would react to being taken for granted in the manner you assumed she would celebrate your decision to discontinue sex with her.

To avoid being branded as an unserious man, don’t tarry too much on taking a definite decision on what you want in life. If travelling out is what you want, do so immediately or get a job and give yourself the necessary push that would elicit respect from that special woman in your life. No lady wants a man who seems unserious with his life.

However, be grateful to God for His mercies for allowing this to happen now instead of later when the pains of separation would be deeper and most painful to cope with.

Good luck.

Before His Slow Action In Bed Forces Me Out…

Dear Agatha,

I got married three years ago after two-year of courtship. We didn’t attempt to make love during our courtship because of religious persuasion. My husband, a trainee pastor and I, the head of the choir of the church wanted to be of good behaviour and provide the right leadership for the youths in the church.

Although, nobody would have known if we had stolen moments of ecstasy but I felt it didn’t worth the bother. Even though I wasn’t a virgin, having experienced the pleasure of having sex from previous relationships, I decided to stop all that when I gave my life to Christ.

It wasn’t easy combining my banking job with heading the choir. I nevertheless squeezed time out of none to serve God.

For me, it was fulfilling and wonderful. So when this man approached me for a relationship, I had no inhibitions saying yes because I had also studied him. He was not going to be a full time pastor. An engineer and a staffer of a beverage company, his future was bright, one condition I always considered before saying yes to a man.

Being a Christian didn’t change that side of me because coming from a very humble background, I didn’t want my children to go through the harrowing experiences of struggling as I did on my own to get education. I hawked, worked to pay my bills since my mother just couldn’t afford to feed us, let alone send us to school.

It was during one of those hawking trips that I got deflowered by one of my customers. He raped me but that experience was not enough to deter me from getting to my goals.

It was a very horrible experience, one that I don’t wish for my worst enemy.

The relationship got the blessing of the church leadership, though not without some pockets of opposition from some quarters. I got to know later that he had told one of the ladies, also a member of the choir that he liked her. They had not gone far when I came along and we started dating. The lady eventually resigned from the choir when it became obvious that she couldn’t have him. But before she left, she told a friend of mine that my man can’t perform in bed, that his manhood was virtually none existent.

I dismissed this on the grounds that she was jealous. When I mentioned it to my man, he also accused her of being a soured grape. Agatha, I wish I had listened. I discovered the truth on our wedding night. His manhood is so small that it cannot penetrate deeply. The size is like that of a little baby’s. To compound the problem, achieving erection for him is not easy. I have to try all the tricks I know to get him started. It has been frustrating living with a man and not having the fulfillment required of a woman.

While this is going on, members of his family have variously come to fight me for not being able to produce an heir for their only son. I have endured several insults from all of them, because they all think I am the problem.

My husband is not helping matters. He goes about as if this isn’t a problem. He doesn’t care and keeps telling me that God has a reason. And whenever I accuse him of being stingy with the truth before we got married, he would flare up and refuse to talk to me for days. Till date he has not given me any reason for his refusal to inform me of this handicap.

Agatha what reason? What wrong did I do that has made God visit me with this problem? For three years as a married woman, I haven’t made love. The few times we tried were very frustrating for fulfillment, I have to get him to stimulate me orally or do it myself. But that won’t produce babies and often does not produce the desired fulfillment.

The reason I am seeking your opinion is that my family wants me to quit. I had to confide in my mother, who was also becoming worried about my inability to produce a child. I am also not interested in the marriage again. I have endured for three years and simply cannot cope with the denial of emotional fulfillment much longer. I don’t want to offend my vows by starting a relationship but if the truth must be told. I doubt if I can resist it much longer.

Please tell me how to go about this? I want to quit as fast as possible.

Kate.

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Dear Kate,

It is a very serious problem because sex is very fundamental in a marriage. It is unfortunate that this is happening to both of you but throwing in the towel so soon isn’t a solution either.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not unmindful of the emotional sacrifices you have to put up with in this kind of situation, the denial and the attendant condemnation from people who are not in the know of what is happening.

There is still, however, the need for you to exercise caution in this matter.

First and foremost there is the need for you to call your husband and explain your feelings to him. Tell him exactly what you have told me, both your frustration and your desire to quit. Let him know the hurt and pains you feel whenever his people come to make trouble with you due to your seemingly inability to give them a grandchild. To get him to listen, anchor your presentation on your undying love for him. His refusal to discuss the matter may not be unconnected with a morbid fear of losing you. Guilt at not telling you and fear that you would pack up the marriage are the core reasons he is appearing indifferent. Deep down, he is more concerned about it than you can imagine. Your assurance of love should get him talking. Once you can get him to open up on the matter, it would be a lot easier to discuss the options open to both of you. For instance it is important to seek medical help on the matter.

Since he manages to achieve erection, my medical doctor consultant says, all hope is not lost. With the right medical attention and drugs, your husband could sustain longer period of erection. Do whatever you have to do to get him to seek medical help if he has never done so. Even if he has done that in the past, insist on seeing the specialist together.

Besides, size has nothing to do with a man’s performance drive or the health of his sperm. Once he is able to hold erection for longer period and expel healthy sperm, getting pregnant would not be a problem.

While foreplay adds excitement to lovemaking, don’t use it to replace the real thing no matter how frustrating and energy sapping the process is. Pretend it is not a problem in the marriage and regard the extensive foreplay as your special lovemaking menu. You would cope best with this problem if you keep the vows ‘for better for worse’ at the top of your mind. Regarding this period as the worst part of your marriage would help you to put it in its proper perspective.

If he were your brother or son would you abandon him?

Granted, he wronged you by withholding such important information from you, two wrongs do not make a right. Look past the betrayal and find ways of going beyond this point without halting the ship of your marriage.

Alternative herbal practitioners claim, with the help some herbs they can minimally increase the size of a man’s organ. Go to any leading herbal clinic for more information.

Furthermore, this is the time to challenge God in faith. Place your hand on him and call on God to make right what is wrong. God is still in the business of miracles. Both of you should come together to pray as a couple. It is the only way you can get over this problem as a family. Once there is an agreement between you spiritually and physically, the battle will be half won. Pray for mercy, patience, wisdom as well as faith to overcome this problem. With mercy and grace of God, you would overcome.

Good luck.

Any Sense Hooking Her Before She Goes For NYSC?

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for the way He is using you to advise and direct people to the right path in relationships and marriage issues.

I am in my 30s while my fiancée is 24 years of age. She wants to go for her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC).

We have agreed to get married and I want to start marriage proceedings before she leaves for her service. What do you think?

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

There is nothing wrong provided both of you have discussed and agreed to it.

The only problem would be if she doesn’t support the idea now. The first thing you should do irrespective of whether or not you have both discussed the idea before now is to open up to her. Tell her of your desire to begin marriage rites before she leaves for her service year.

The worst mistake is to assume that because you want it immediately and because you have both expressed a wish to be together for the rest of your life, she also wants it now. Marriage is about two people wanting the same thing. Let her see from your conduct that you desire the marriage to be a balanced partnership of two persons, who love and respect each other not that of a boss/servant relationship.

It is also important you don’t give the impression that you want to rush the process, because deep down you are afraid she may change her mind. Trust is important to the survival of a relationship.

Once you have her full support, go ahead and do what you have in mind to give you the peace of mind that she is yours to keep.

Good luck.

My Brother Must Divorce Wife To Be Happy

Dear Agatha,

I don’t know what to make of my brother’s wife. She is always bossing everybody in the family around. She talks rudely to people because she is doing better than my brother. It is so bad; especially that she does it even in the public. She decides where they stay, the type of food he eats, often ignoring what he likes. Sometimes she doesn’t bother to come home, pleading tight official schedule.

Whenever her husband complains about how her work is affecting the family’s welfare, she tells him to choose between her being a full housewife or allowing her to continue to play her role as the major breadwinner in the family.

I have severally caught my brother lamenting his status and once actually crying. The children are also complaining but she bribes them with gifts and all that.

I have tried to caution her as well as point her at the emotional danger she is exposing her family to, but she won’t listen. She likes exhibition so much.

The issue now is that my brother has decided to seek a woman who would make him feel like a man. I mean a woman, who would respect his authority and appreciate him. As a matter of fact he has found the girl, and for the first time he is happy. He wants to marry her. What do you think? I am of the opinion he should divorce the other woman, not because I support divorce but essentially to preserve my brother’s life, whom I feel has a right to be happy despite being poor as his wife has branded him. What do you think?

Tolu.

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Dear Tolu,

Sincerely, don’t interfere. Your brother is man enough to take his decisions without your help. Nobody married his wife for him. He found her worthy of his love and attention hence decided to have her for keeps.

Whatever is happening in that home isn’t any business of yours. And you should by all means avoid being fingered as the reason the marriage failed. Your brother may have decided to look outside his home to protect his pride before you and other members of your family.

For now, it might be best if you allow both of them to sort their problems out. If he had tolerated her all these while despite her rudeness and other vices you illustrated, he should still continue to. With loving persuasions she would one day come to be the type of woman he desired.

To bring another woman into his life is to complicate the whole issue. He would never get the peace he desires in her or in the relationship and his life. The health problem you desire to protect him from would come in full force. What guarantees do you have that she would not be like his wife or even worse? What happens if she turns out to be another brash woman? Encourage him into another relationship?

If you love this brother of yours as you claim, tell him to discontinue that relationship and mend fences with his wife and family. Disagreements and disappointments are all part of the process of bonding a marriage.

You are still single and don’t know the type of marriage you would one day have. How would you feel if your sister-in-law turns around to be giving support to your husband to marry another wife on account of problem in your own marriage? Every marriage comes with its own peculiar cross. The cross of this marriage is for your brother to learn to manage the brashness of his wife.

The best you can do to for both of them is to commit their marriage to the care of God. Intercede for them through prayers and fasting. That, to me, is the best demonstration of love instead of aiding your brother to his early grave.

Continue to plead with your sister-in-law to change her ways. Overtime, she would come to appreciate your role and words of wisdom.

Having made up your mind to help build the marriage, ignore her rudeness and continue in your selfless task to help make this couple grow together.

Good luck.

He’s An Unrepentant Cheat

Dear Agatha,

I am a 23-year-old final year student in a relationship that has been on for three years now.

Last year, I found out that he has been cheating on me. I was devastated but agreed to continue with him after he promised never to do it again.

I later discovered he was an unrepentant cheat. I really made up my mind to leave him but changed when it looked as if he was really sorry.

You can therefore imagine my pains when for the third time, I discovered through a text message he sent to another girl expressing his desire to spend the night in her arms. The response of the girl shows that she thinks he is in love with her.

All these affected my love for him, but I am equally confused on how she can handle the situation.

Please help me.

Chidera.

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Dear Chidera,

It is obvious your boyfriend doesn’t understand what it means to be faithful to a woman. He belongs to the group of men who think life is about variety.

Sincerely, there is nothing you can do to change him unless he is ready for it. You either learn to accept him for who he is, or move on to a man who understands what sincerity means in a relationship.

In his own way he loves you but cannot help experimenting with other girls. To him, he is having fun, enjoying the freedom that comes with his gender and age. Until a man or woman resolves to settle down, the desire of his or her partner to ensure stability in a relationship, more often than not, destroys whatever chance they have to be happy together.

If you insist on him changing his ways now, he would continue to hurt you because despite the promises he makes to you to change, his heart isn’t set on completely settling down just yet. Mind you, this has nothing to do with his feelings for you, but a deep desire to explore the field while he still has the chance. The naked reality is that he may never have the sufficient will to remain faithful to any woman irrespective of what he feels for the special woman in his life.

Three years may be a long time but when you consider that a lifetime is involved should you continue this relationship, there is the need for you to sit down on your own to do an appraisal of your three years together.

To do a near thorough job, resist the urge to be too sentimental on account of his unfaithfulness. Doubtless, you are hurting now but learn to be very broadminded about this. For instance, should you leave him for another man, what are the guarantees that he would be faithful to you?

While not insisting you should put up with unfaithfulness, the truth of the matter is that every relationship has to define its happiness based on its strengths and limitations.

What is the strength of your relationship with him? Why has it lasted for three years? What do you find extra special about him that would make his faults appear irrelevant?

It is only when you take a broad overview of your relationship, vis-à-vis your dreams, visions and happiness that a decision would be easier for you to make.

Whatever you decide to do now must be one that will stand the test of time; one you will not regret making some few months down the road, one you will always be glad you had the guts to take.

You must find out what works for you especially to clear the cloud of confusion currently enveloping you. For instance, you must be able to answer the all important question of your place in his heart, now and in future. Once you have a clear answer to that, his adventures with these other girls may not be so painful or bothersome to you and the relationship at the end.

Believe me, this type of case has no clear-cut answer beyond what works for you.

Good luck.

He Wants Me In Bed Before Any Help

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age and a secondary school leaver. I want to further my study but can’t because my parents are poor.

A rich married man has offered to help on condition that I sleep with him.

I am confused. I don’t know what to do. Please advise me.

B.

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Dear B,

This isn’t help. Run as fast as your legs can carry you away from this man because he has only one point agenda, to destroy your life.

You are not a commercial sex worker. So why should you offer your body in exchange for his sponsoring your further studies? If he has no qualms betraying his wife, what makes you think after sleeping with you, he would keep his side of your bargain?

Besides, going to the university isn’t a day’s project. It takes at least four years, if there are no strikes or cult fracas for an average course to be completed. How often would he require you to sleep with him or give enough sexual compensation for him to help you through your study?

Do you plan to draw up a contract to that effect that once you sleep with him, he must keep his side of the bargain?

And how many men would you be able to sleep with? Because having the funds to further your study is just one of the many problems you would encounter at the tertiary institution. With the bug of corruption and ineptitude at its height in this country, how many lecturers would you have to sleep with to have a credit pass even when you know you have the brain to scale through?

Life is full of ups and down. Yes, this offer appears tempting, an answer to all your family’s financial predicaments, but at what cost to you?

What happens if you get pregnant? The best protection has been known to fail at very critical times, have you thought of the possibility? What responsible man would propose such an offer to a woman he has respect and feelings for? Were you his daughter would he encourage you to date a married man? This man is an opportunist. He wants to use the situation provided by your parent’s penury to abuse you; rob you of your pride as a woman.

Your parents may be poor, but that doesn’t mean you cannot make it in life without sleeping your way to success. Granted, the prospect of you furthering your study now looks bleak, but with patience and determination, you will one day get to your dreamland. Without you compromising yourself, what can you do on your own? If this man didn’t come with this offer, what other alternative do you have in mind? Being poor shouldn’t stop a determined mind from dreaming and making plans for the future.

What vision do you have for yourself? Your acceptance of his offer would depend very much on how much value you have placed on yourself.

Sleeping around may sound like a means to achieving your dream but in the long run, how proud would it make you feel as a woman? Your body is precious not to be feasted on by every man who comes your way. As you go along in life, you will discover many of his kind, men who think every woman has to exchange the pleasure of her body for something.

Once you begin it, there is no stopping you from doing it with another man because it would become, for you, an easy tool to getting what you want, but which would leave you the victim at the end of it all. Have you thought of what would happen if along the line, you end up destroying the chance of your happiness in future? As a woman, what is most important to you in life, when you are no longer young and attractive to men? It is the consequences of this time you should always consider when proposals like this are put before you, the time you wished you could live your life all over again.

If you don’t mind the attendant hardship and reactions of peers to taking on menial jobs to fund your way through school, it is the best option any day. Not only would it give you the ultimate satisfaction that you have what it takes to change your destiny for the best but your honour as a woman would remain unquestionable. If you must sleep with a man, it should be out of your own free will, something you are doing because your emotions are involved and not something you are doing because you feel helpless about the situation you find yourself.

Don’t be afraid or ashamed to sell pure water if the need arises to sponsor your way through school, rather than capitulate to the demands of this man.

If you trust God implicitly, He will always make ways for you and your parents. There are girls from families worse than yours but who didn’t compromise to be successful in life. Despite the moral decay in the society, success isn’t measured only by material things but also by the moral credentials of the person.

Good luck.

My Armpit Oozes Offensive Odour

Dear Agatha,

I am 22-year-old boy with odour in my armpit. I noticed it eight years ago while in school and active in sports then.

The problem has persisted and don’t know what to do about it.

I need your help.

Mark.

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Dear Mark,

It is almost normal at your age but you must begin to pay more attention to your personal hygiene because the presence of an odour is an indication that you aren’t doing certain things right. Sweat beads trapped in between hair in the armpit can give off bad odour if not properly washed and attended to.

Because most people sweat profusely under the armpit, chances of the place ever staying clean and odour-free is slim especially if one is the kind that sweats heavily as a result of high energy engagements like sports.

What you should do is to get into the habit of shaving off the hair under your armpit. There is nothing sexy or masculine about having hair shaved under the armpit especially if it has become home to germs.

It makes maintenance of the armpit very easy. Use powerful deodorants as well as body spray under the armpit. Also make sure, while washing your shirts that special attention is paid to the armpit, to wash off sweat beads trapped on the material and also prevent discolouration.

This should take care of the problem but if it persists please see your doctor.

Good luck.

He Keeps Paternity Of A Daughter Secret

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in the **Daily Independent** I have made it my daily column in the tabloids. You are indeed a blessing to our generation.

I am a 30-year-old lady, in a relationship that is almost hitting three years. We are planning to get married. I love him and he does too because he always tells me how much he admires me.

However, something happened that is threatening our perfect world. Recently, he told me for the first time about his five-year-old daughter whose mother insisted on giving birth to her despite appeals she got rid of the pregnancy.

According to him, he refused to tell me until now out of fear of losing me.

Agatha, I am so confused because this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. What happens if the girl refuses to accept me as her mother? Although he has assured that he knows I have what it takes to look after and care for this girl, it might not be as easy as he thinks.

My point is what do I do? Do I allow him bring the girl home or he should just be responsible for her upkeep. I am confused. Do I go ahead with the marriage plans or what? I am meeting his family very soon they are in the North. Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Worried Woman.

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Dear Worried Woman,

That you are not angry at him for keeping such vital information away from you until now shows that you are truly in love and that your relationship has the right foundation to work things out. This is quite commendable and means your worry over your ability to care for this child is needless.

A relationship such as yours has the elasticity to make things work out at the end of the day.

Unless you allow it, this girl cannot be a major issue between you and your man. Now that you know, insist on meeting the girl and her mother. From this early beginning, insist on taking the child over from the mother, making it clear to everyone that you intend to have a major say and influence in the life of this child. Though this may not be easy for you now, but it is the only way you can have complete control of your home as well as reduce the influence of the child’s mother in your home and life.

The fact that your husband and this woman have a child makes it almost impossible to totally insist you don’t want her to get in touch with your man. The existence of that child means from time to time these two would get together to discuss the progress and welfare of their child.

Since there is no telling the real motive of this woman, it is in your best interest to take over the child. This way, you nip in the bud whatever repercussions that are likely to occur in future by allowing the child with the mother.

Once you make up your mind to take her, ensure you treat her as your own irrespective of whatever faults she may have as a person. The conflict comes between stepmothers and their stepchildren, when stepmothers ignore the basic truth about the child they are supposed to foster - that a child will always be one. Child truancy, misbehaviour, tantrums and antics have no paternity or tribe. Children will always behave according to form hence must not be unnecessarily condemned or labelled on account of her maternity.

When the child needs proper scolding, don’t hesitate to mete the apt punishment and when the need to praise arises, also don’t hesitate to give it to the child unconditionally.

What you feed into this child is what you will get at the end of the day. If from this early stage, you endeavour to feed into the child seeds of love, trust, loyalty, fair mindedness as well as the fear of God, there is no way this child will cause problems for you now or later in life. Give this child the training you will give your own child.

Problems come when stepmothers treat their step- children with wickedness and envy. Don’t transfer whatever negative feelings or fear of the mother to the child. The child is an innocent party in this. She didn’t ask to be born at all, hence it would be wrong to transfer whatever feelings or thoughts against the mother to her.

As for going ahead, there is nothing stopping you from marrying him. He has told you the reason why he didn’t tell you and to be honest would you have gone ahead with the relationship if you knew he had a child way back then?

Your final decision should be based on what you know of him, the quality of life both of you had enjoyed since you became an item. How has he treated and respected you? How caring is he? Beyond this issue of this child, has he ever lied to you or given you reason to doubt him in any way?

For you to appreciate him very well, look at how you begun and where you are now. If you limit your decision to the current situation in your relationship, you may end up taking the wrong decision.

Above all learn to pray because the success of marriage is based on prayers, trust and tolerance.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

I Need A Widow Or Mature Lady

Dear Agatha,

I read this page of yours in **Sunday Independent**. You are truly God-send. Please just help me with this problem it may seem small to you but it is very big to me.

I lost my wife five years ago during childbirth leaving me with a son who is just five years. I need you to hook me up with a mature lady or a widow with one or two kids. She should have the heart of a good mother and a better wife to me. She should be between 31 and 40 years old and should be a Christian. I work in the sales department of a soft drink bottling company. I am in my 30s. Help me with this request my son needs a good mother. I can be reached with this number;
07056834425

Austin

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I’m Single, Searching Wondeful Wife

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a great job I must confess it. I am one of your column readers.

I am a young guy of 27 years of age, single based in Lagos and seriously searching for a wonderful and pretty lady for serious relationship from ages of 18 to 25 years of age.

Interested lady should text me on my number 07037506350 with her profile.

Michael.

I’m Innocent Of Her Decision To Settle For Married Man

Dear Agatha,

Please help me get over this madness happening in my family. My younger sister is just 25 and has a very bright future. She got a very good job as an advert executive in one of the media houses around, and from all indications is doing very well.

That is why I cannot understand why she is involved, and actually planning to marry a family man.

She is the only one among all of us who does not talk about her affairs. While growing up, she kept to herself. The rest of the family knew she was odd and very secretive about herself, but she is the most hardworking, always willing to do the dirty jobs the rest of us would not do.

Being the one closest to her, I had my way of getting her to talk about herself, and the things she would never discuss with anyone. She would not do that without warning me against divulging the information to other members of the family.

However, since I got married and she packed out of the house to her own rented apartment, we hardly find time to come for gist. I tried on my part to meet her but we cannot meet due to her constant excuses of not having the time anytime I make the move. She would always come up with an excuse at the last minute to cancel the meeting irrespective of whom among us made the arrangement.

One Saturday morning without any prior notice, I decided to visit her at home because I had this feeling she was trying to avoid me, while I am concerned about her.

Agatha, I was right to be apprehensive because when I got there, I met an elderly man in her apartment. From his look, he spent the night with her. I wonder what and why she would allow a man come to her place when it should have been the other way round.

It didn’t add up so I decided to call my husband to tell him I would be late to return home. Since the kids were with me, he said it was okay provided we came back before nightfall.

Determined to outstay the man, I sat patiently and taking mental notes of him and his mannerism. It was during breakfast I noticed that his wedding finger had the telltale mark of a ring. Although he was not wearing one currently, but the ring stain mark was evident.

After a while, he dressed and left.

Very much aware that my sister would try to parry the issue, I asked what she was doing dating a married man. She was shocked I knew. Always on the defensive, she told me to mind my business that at 25, she knew what she wanted. And that she was, as a matter of fact, going to marry him because she made him happy.

I thought she was joking, but she made it clear that she wasn’t out for a joke. She added that the family could go to hell for all she cared. Now she is up in arms against all the other members of the family because nobody is in her support.

What more, they think I had knew all about it from the beginning and have grouped me with her in this battle.

Agatha, please help me, not even my husband believes I am innocent. How can I persuade her against going into this marriage? Why would a young intelligent and very beautiful woman elect to marry a married man? Please save me from the twin problems I am facing. By the way, the man is 48.

Funke.

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Dear Funke,

Since your sister is adamant and unwilling to listen to the voice of reason, you may have to go beyond your sister and see how you can get the man. I am sure by the time the whole family meets with him to plead with him to let your sister be, he would listen. Chances are that he might be less passionate and willingly to listen to the voice of reason.

As a young girl, your sister may be under the influence of idealism, but as a man who is married with possibly grown-up children, he is likely to be more realistic. Even if he is having problem with his marriage, it is necessary you tell him pointedly that marrying another woman is not a solution.

If he refuses, find a way of meeting his wife and children to get them to appeal to their breadwinner to leave your sister alone. Get his grown up daughters, if he has, to blackmail him emotionally. He should be asked what he would do if one of his daughters decide not only to marry a married man but one who is old enough to be her father. Your parents should be part of the delegation to meet him. All of you should collectively appeal to him to save your sister from herself. Go a step further by looking for his friends and other family members to join in the appeal.

The reason for this is that if pressured from all quarters, he might change his mind, leaving your sister with no choice than to listen to all of you.

It might also help to get your sister to talk about her reason for wanting to marry this man. It would give you all some insights into her inner mind. Something is obviously wrong somewhere because it is clear she is not in the relationship because of money, so there is more to this relationship. It could be a problem from her past, something that happened long ago but which the family is unaware of.

The preference for a father figure for a husband may be a silent and salient cry for help. She may also not be able to understand or explain this. Did the family alienate her on account of her nature? Sometimes when a child appears different from the rest, the tendency is for everybody in the family to alienate her. Did your mother go the extra mile to show her love on account of her nature or simply couldn’t be bothered since the others were okay? What about your father, did he at any time seek her out specially, to talk and establish a relationship with her as the unique child in the family?

The tragedy of growing up in a house where you are branded on account of your nature is what is doing things to shock the people who at the time you needed help made fun of you. Her preference may have been shaped for her by the attitude you all put up way back then.

Get her to see a psychologist in addition to praying for her. Fighting or being hostile to her is not a solution, but would drive her further into her shell. Unless this problem is effectively tackled, there is the likelihood she may end up with another older married man if this one agrees to let her be. It is very important she gets a fair hearing if you are to protect her from herself.

Good luck.

He Wants His Sick Mum To Stay With Us

Dear Agatha,

I have a huge challenge, which may affect the overall outcome of my marriage if I’m not careful.

My mother-in-law, who hates me with a passion, is ill and my husband is planning on bringing her over to stay with us.

From what I hear, she has difficulties moving around, which means she can urinate and pass the big one where she sits or sleeps if help doesn’t come early enough.

I have tried to persuade my husband to send his mother to his sister’s house but he has refused, insisting he wants her to come over to his house being her eldest child. To back up his argument, he says I have a house-help as well as shop attendant, who will help me with his mother while his sister doesn’t have anybody to help.

Agatha, this woman has been a pest in my life since marrying her son eight years ago. She not only says I’m not good enough for her son but is also without manners.

Sincerely, I have never pretended to like her, which is why I don’t understand why my husband wants me to care for someone whose presence I cannot endure for a second.

I’m contemplating going to tell my sister-in-law to insist her mother comes to her house since my husband has refused to listen to my pleas but my elder sister warned me against it, insisting I would be the prime suspect if anything bad happens to her.

Agatha, I don’t want her in my house. In addition to not liking her, I don’t want her to infect my children with whatever it is she is said to be suffering from. I don’t have the strength to be moving her around or clean the house if she soils her bed.

I simply can’t! Please help me. How do I make my husband understand this?

Worried Wife.

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Dear Worried Wife,

I wish you could see yourself through this letter you wrote. You sound so selfish, mean and uncaring. How would you feel if this woman were your mother and your sister-in-law is behaving like you are doing now?

How would you feel if you find yourself in your mother-in-law’s situation and your son’s wife insists she can’t have you in her home for the same reasons you are now rejecting this woman?

Do you know what life holds for you tomorrow? From the way you are behaving now, doesn’t it appear she was right about you after all?

What manner of heart would reject a sick woman care and comfort of her child? Don’t forget before you came into the life of your husband, this woman was there. She nurtured him through thick and thin from the first moments she became pregnant with him to the stage you met and married him. Her finished product is whom you fell in love with and swore to love till death separates both of you.

Without this woman you now despise in such cold blood, your husband wouldn’t have been. If nothing else, for this reason alone, show her all the love she deserves in her condition. Even if you have an issue with her over her behaviour and treatment of you, this is not the right time to seek revenge.

If you are wise, you would use the opportunity provided by her illness to erase whatever negative impression she had of you before now. God demands of us to show love where we have been shown hatred. Care for her as you would your mother; give her all the necessary attention she deserves because illness is detribalised, genderless, ageless and no respecter of persons. It so happens she is the one on that bed, it could be you or your husband. Would you not care for your husband if he were the one in that condition? If it were you, would you like to be left alone simply because someone thinks the children would be affected by your health condition?

Your fear about this situation affecting the quality of happiness in your home is genuine but not in the direction you are thinking. The problem you are courting is beyond what you can handle, outside of your feelings and of a more dangerous consequence than what you think of your mother-in-law. If you insist she can’t stay with you, your husband may take her to another place but you can bet it would make him begin to suspect things about you and the marriage he never regarded as being important.

And when a man begins to do that, it signals big problem for the woman. You can hurt most men but when it comes to issues concerning their mothers, men are very sensitive and take seriously any slight or disaffection towards the women who gave birth to them. Chances are this man may forgive you anything, but this blatant rejection of his mother at her most crucial moment in life would remain too heavy an albatross for you to carry. The sad thing is you won’t be the only one to suffer but every member of your family as well.

There are no easy remedies when it comes to marital issues. The only remedy marriage recognises is tolerance. Whatever this woman has done, learn to tolerate her until she gets better. Her body not only gave you a husband, but those lovely children of yours.

No matter what wrong she must have turned to you, always remember the good and most important gift she gave you, happiness. Something really special you must have found in your husband to make you marry him among the lot that came for your hand in marriage. If she were such a loathsome mother, there is no way she could have allowed you marry her son or allowed you stay for the number of years you have spent in his house. That you are still there in spite of her perceived hatred for you means you are winning. So, learn to be magnanimous and care for this woman.

Are you saying your mother hasn’t offended you, treated you in more despicable ways than your mother-in-law? Chances are she might have but do you refuse to debate her attitude towards you or brand it because she is your mother. Life is about hurting and making up. The strength of life is our ability to forgive and move forward.

There is no way you can move beyond the point you have in your marriage if you don’t forgive your mother-in-law. Forgiveness is the only way you can truly encourage your in-laws to accept you as being part of the family. It is the only way too your husband can defend his choice of you as his wife to himself and, subsequently, his family.

Even if you don’t want to do this, do it for the sake of your husband and children, whose family this sick woman is.

Believe me, what you do now would come back to either hunt or save those children and you in later years. Your husband can’t be unaware of your feelings towards his mother and may be using this to see how deep your feelings of disaffection for his mother run.

If you don’t want to do it because of what the woman has done to you, why not do it for the sake of the man you love? Should this woman die without you helping to care for her, would you ever be able to forgive yourself? Think about it!

Knowing who God is as well as understanding His way would help make it easier for you to do. Pray to God to give you more understanding into His person.

Good luck.

Re: Help Before Distance Turns Me Divorcee

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I Need True Love, Want Better Look

Dear Agatha,

How can I make my hair darker and my skin more beautiful and how can I find true love?

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

There are various good hair products in the market specifically designed with today’s woman in mind. The damage to hair comes from not knowing what to use, and also patronising the wrong salons. If you go to any standard salon, they will be able to recommend the best product for you.

To find true love, you must first learn to be truthful to yourself. True love cannot happen in a vacuum. You must first learn to love yourself, people around you to be able to recognise when true love comes your way. This is because what you don’t have, you won’t be able to give.

Many people expect love to just happen when they themselves don’t know anything about love. Life is about giving as much as you get.

You must learn to invest first before expecting interest.

For true love to flourish, it must have a blend of understanding, care, appreciation, tolerance, support, respect, responsibilities, focus, selflessness and friendship. Above all, it must be realistically handled. These are the things that give it colour, substance as well as the right foundation to exist. At all times, you must be willing to forgive because love without forgiveness is like an empty shell.

You will know it when you recognise some of these things you have in him.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there always for people like us. I am educated, presentable, loving, caring, and sincere. I also live in Lagos. I need a lady for marriage. She must be connected and good-looking. Any interested lady should be free to call me on 038818586 and 08028801856.

Kunle.

He Hates Me For Offering Better Lifeline

Dear Agatha,

God will keep blessing you with bountiful wisdom to always put us through our problems.

I am 25-year-old, dating a guy, 29. Our relationship is three years old.

When we first met, he lied to me about his educational status. He told me he was a part-time student in Lagos State while I was schooling in Ogun State.

I later discovered he has only an Ordinary National Diploma and that he being in school was a blatant lie. He is more interested in travelling abroad than going back to school.

I have tried unsuccessfully to advise him on the need for him to concentrate on his education instead of wasting time pursuing what is increasingly appearing to be an elusive dream. My concern is for him to at least keep improving on himself while still awaiting the opportunity to travel out.

But he won’t listen. He is more interested in wasting precious time waiting to get a visa, which isn’t forthcoming.

I have gotten to the limit of my patient since it appears he doesn’t want to discuss his plans with me any more, in his opinion I am always discouraging him.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

Usually when the bug to travel bites hard, its victims are left without any sense of responsibility than to travel out. Unfortunately, your boyfriend belongs to the group of persons who are under the illusion that they can’t make it in this country until they travel out.

With his mind all twisted up and channelled towards going abroad, nothing you say or do would make sense to him until he goes to where he has set his mind. At this stage of his delusion his mind is blocked to all well meaning suggestions, and may begin to even suspect you of being the reason nothing is working out for him in that direction.

Sincerely, there is no meaningful relationship that can grow between the two of you with him living in this mixed up. He is like someone under the influence of drugs and I tell you, this is an addiction that could consume your own dreams if you are not careful.

You have a choice to continue to put up with this dreamer or quit to pursue your own dream. His situation is a typical case of everything being put on hold, until he gets the opportunity of travelling. He doesn’t care if his waiting period is forever, what matters to him is leaving the shores of Nigeria.

Even if he listens to you now and agrees to go back to school or pursue other things, he will still come back to it even if you are able to persuade him to marry you along the line. Chances are that he would pressurise as well as blackmail you to invest your money to help him actualise his dreams. Not only would this deprive you of your own dreams but those the children you may have had eventually.

Be careful, you know what you are doing because at the end of the day, you would be the one left to hold onto the wrong side of the candle.

Yes, he may come for you eventually but at what cost? At 29, he isn’t exactly a spring chicken. By now he should have wrapped up his education, given himself a fair foundation in life. If at this age, he is still pursuing dreams rather than visions, something is wrong with his whole concept to life. Are you willing to take a chance on him?

At 25, you are nearing the age when most women get serious about their lives, when they begin to plan for it, even if they are not planning on settling down yet.

If you are not careful, this man would continue to drag you back anytime you plan advancement in your life.

Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Having stayed with him for three years, demonstrated your love and support, it is time he too did the same thing for you if he really cares about you.

This is why you must sit him down to discuss, to ask patent questions concerning your place in his life as well as his plans for you. Also ask him what he intends to do if eventually he never succeeds in getting a visa to travel out. And if he gets the visa, ask him how he plans to raise the money for the ticket as well as support himself there.

His response to you and your worries will tell you more than anything or any one what you should do at the end of the day.

Furthermore, this calls for reality, honesty and boldness to face your future. Like you said, your future too is involved. While he reserves the right to toy with his, don’t allow him mess up yours. He lacks the right to do that for you.

Believe me, this is one classic instance when love may not be able to keep the two of you together after a while. Love can only flourish if there is a reasonable level of cooperation in a relationship. If he told lie once about something as basic as his education, he can do it again on something more important, something that could end up hurting you deeply.

Your choice would depend on what you in particular want in life and how much you value your happiness.

Good luck.

That She Can’t Flaunt Our Love Wanes My Feelings

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I love so much, and have come to put up with her attitude. Although, she claims to love me, I am surprised that whenever we are together or walking along the campus she doesn’t allow me to either hold or touch her.

If I make the mistake of doing that she complains. To prevent annoying her, I do as she says.

But the truth is that I am becoming fed up with this attitude of hers. Her excuse is that she dislikes a man touching her on the body. Now, Agatha, tell me what I should do because right now my love for her is fading on account of her attitude.

I would, however, appreciate a solution that will bring back my old feelings for her.

Worried Boyfriend.

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Dear Worried Boyfriend,

You are getting fed up on account of her refusal to allow you touch her in public? Deep down, do you think that is enough reason the feelings you have for her begin to dwindle? What is the substance of your love for this lady? And what do you understand by love?

I can identify with frustration but to say your love is waning simply because she refuses you to put your stamp on her publicly shows she has every reason to be weary of you and your interpretation of what you say you feel for her.

What a relationship needs essentially is trust. And the man, especially, must have the confidence in himself to be able to trust in the woman. The issue here isn’t the fact that she isn’t allowing you to hold her in public but that of your motive for insisting on public proclamation of the status of your relationship with her.

Your love is fading because you are frustrated at her refusal to allow you prosecute your zeal of massaging your ego, that of putting a public brand on her as your exclusive territory.

The truth, not every relationship flourishes under such branding. Some people are private and don’t appreciate being made public spectacle of. They are private people who like to code their ways. This is something you should have found out first before attempting to foist your values on her. Relationship works best when the couple takes time out to first discuss each other’s interests as well as values. If she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with what you want, the ideal thing is to listen to her and to find out why she isn’t.

Imputing things to her attitude is to cause a problem the relationship may not survive to handle. She has told you she isn’t comfortable with a man touching her body, this explanation points at her upbringing, the values impacted into her, something which has become integral to her and would be difficult for her to give up now.

What you should do is to respect her stance on the matter and discuss the other options open to you. If the purpose is to signify your involvement with her and to ward-off possible rivals, being constantly in each other’s company is more than enough signal that you are both involved. Holding her hands or waist in public is an over-kill.

Rather than give up on this relationship or on yourselves, use this opportunity to bond. From what is happening, it is obvious that the two of you lack a good communication culture. If you had, this issue wouldn’t have degenerated to this level.

It isn’t too late to call her to discuss the way forward. If you are willing to employ patience, understanding, trust as well as trust, things will work out eventually. The success of a relationship depends on how much a couple is willingly to invest into it to make it work.

Good luck.