His Love Is Too Erratic For My Liking

Dear Agatha,

I have read so many of your advices to people, and I think you are the best person that can save me from making a grievous mistake.

There is this guy I met in 2003 at the University of Calabar, when I went to visit my elder sister who was then a student there. We got talking and one thing led to the other we became friends, but we were not intimate. I was then in my final year in one of the polytechnics. We somehow lost contact.

One day in August 2005, a foreign number called my line and when I answered it, the caller turned out to be him. There and then, he announced his desires to marry me. He said he lost my phone number while he was in Nigeria and that he got it back from my sister's friend.

He apologised for not informing before travelling out of the country. He requested I visited his parents in Lagos. He gave me their address and when I visited them, I ended up spending two weeks because they refused to let me go.

It was obvious that they wanted me in the family because they all treated me with love and respect.

By September of that same year, he asked his people to come and see my own parents, they came for the formal introduction and promised they will come back anytime their son asked them to, he kept writing me and calling me on phone. From his attitude, it was obvious he wanted me and I him. His mother also took to calling almost on daily basis.

On February 14, the following year, he called while I was having my bath. My friend answered the call. When I came out of the bathroom, she told me about the call and when I scrolled through my phone, I discovered he was the one who had called. When I called him back, he was very angry and warned never to call him again. With that he cut off the line. When I asked my friend what had transpired between them; she said nothing and went on to advice me not to bother him again since he has asked for that.

I ignored her and went to a cybercaf close to my house. I wrote him series of email but he didn't reply any. I called his parents they said they will get back to me after talking with him, a week later his mother called me to say I should just pray that everything will be alright, the next thing he did was to change his line. I asked for the new line from the younger sister she said, he told her not to give me the new line. I tried all I could to reach him so that he would at least tell me what transpired between him and my roommate to no avail, some friends then asked me to give him time, so I stopped calling and he never called or wrote me email as he used to.

On November 15, last year, I was in my alumnus meeting when a strange number called my line. I picked it up only to discover he was the one on the other side of the phone. He immediately started pleading for forgiveness as well as requesting his desire for us to continue from where we stopped, that he is ready to make it up to me, he asked me to see him. I refused, he has been to my house severally, but till now, he has not told me what my roommate told him. These days he calls morning, afternoon and night, insisting he wants to marry me, that he can't marry any other woman except me. But I refused to return his visits or calls. What should I do? Please I need your urgent advice, because I don't think I love him any more.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

Are you sure about not loving him anymore? If you are so sure about that, why this letter and why address yourself as a confused lady?

Understandably, you are hurt at his treatment as well as the attendant humiliation of having to cancel all the wedding plans without at least the decency of telling you your offence. Doubtless, it was very cruel not knowing why he condemned you as well as his refusal to even give you a fair chance to explain whatever your offence was.

Even though he displayed little trust for you or your integrity, your so called flat mate must have told him something nasty about you to explain why you weren't with your phone when he called. Whatever she told him definitely had nothing to do with the fact that you went to take your bath. She must have told him something nasty enough to make a man who is jealous or who doesn't have the opportunity of knowing you well enough think you were up to some sort of funny games.

All arguments could be advanced against what he did, but the truth is, you both don't know each other well enough. Before he travelled out of the country, your interactions were tailored to fit into your busy schedules. He was away in his school while you were also miles away in your own school. Your friendship was mostly conducted on the phone and whenever you both saw, care was taken to ensure you both were at your best.

You didn't even know when he travelled out. And when he called, you both were planning a marriage without looking first at your suitability as a couple. It takes more than the feeling of love to set the wheel of marriage on motion. There are lots of ingredients that must be put in place for the marriage recipe to be complete and palatable.

If he knew a little bit about you, he wouldn't have jumped to immediate conclusions irrespective of whatever your roommate told him. It basically shows there is no trust and your relationship has a long way to go before it can be ready for the challenges of marriage.

Whatever happened may simply be God's way of ensuring both of you acquire the vital experience as well as wisdom to make your marriage work. Flowing from what happened a lesson must have been learnt by him, that of not being hasty in jumping into conclusions. There is no way he would want to make the same mistake twice if he is lucky to get over this mess. For him to have come back to you means, he really do care about you and that despite what he thinks, he desires you for keeps.

Also, that he was able, on his own, to discover his folly shows too that he must have done some deep thinking along the line.

Before you totally condemn him, in his shoes, what conclusion would you too come to if his roommate fib a damaging tale about him? How much do you know of him even now to make you disbelieve a close associate of his? How would you react today, if someone he lives with calls you aside to say he is married with children in his base? Be truthful, what would be your first reaction?

Given that you know next to nothing about him, your first reaction is to accept what the person told you as the gospel truth. And if you were the type of person who is naturally doubtful about people, it would take a miracle to make you change your mind.

Whatever your friend must have told him, must have sounded so convincing and the truth especially if he doesn't have that kind of experience before and if you had always blabbed about the friend to him.

At any rate, she must have been a good friend for both of you to be sharing a flat or room. Because you both share the same space, she is assumed by everybody to be the best authority on your lifestyles and habits.

Coming back to you must have taken some guts, given the way he treated you back then. It wouldn't cost you anything to see him and listen to what he has to say. God may have deliberately planned this moment to give both of you the chance to grow your relationship properly. Nothing happens without a reason. And do you think you would have been able to withstand the shame if this had happened after your marriage? That the misunderstanding happened before is God's way of providing both of you with a positive agenda to pursue in the process of bonding.

That his mother didn't join issues with him is commendable. She must have known that one day the mystery of what transpired between him and your friend would clear sufficiently for him to realise his mistakes. Only cowards and the foolish refuse to look at past mistakes. We get better in experience if we occasionally look at our past mistakes. He has done that to have come back to you. Do the same by going to him, and allow him to explain what happened. Listen to what he has to say and not to the bitterness in your heart. Yes, he disappointed you but haven't you also hurt someone before? The greatest tragedy would be for you to wonder in later years if you had done the right thing by refusing to listen to him. If at the end of the day, you are still convinced that you no longer love him, there is nothing stopping you from telling him so. He definitely cannot stop you from doing as you please but it is in your interest you give him a chance to talk things over.

Good luck.

My Mom's Messy Past...My Marriage On Line

Dear Agatha,

This year, I would be 32 years old.I grew up with a single parent, my father and I love each other passionately because he was the one that I grew up with.I never had that feeling of motherly love.I just knew there was a mother somewhere, who hardly come to see me even though her family members come once in a while.I appreciate those visits.

Even on visits to her family home, I never for once met my mother whom I was told lived somewhere in Bauchi State with her new family.However, we later met when I was in primary six and by then she had left her husband, the she marry after parted way with dad.

For reasons best known to her, she is always annoyed seeing me around her.Overtime, her parents persuaded her to get her own apartment so that she can live with her children since marriage is not working for her.

After only a few months, she wasn't coming home again, forcing us to relocate to our grandmother's.Following her attitude, her parents invited her to come for us.She came in company of another man pregnant.When she refused to take us along with her, her mother pounced on her and gave her beating of her life despite being pregnant.

When my father came and heard all that happened, he pleaded I stayed with my grandparents' to finish my JSS 1 before coming over to stay with him in his new base in Lagos.

After four years in Lagos, my father was transferred again to Ibadan.I was in SS1, so he handed me to his elder sister who had always been more of a mother to me.My mother was also informed by my father about his transfer as well as the arrangement he had in place for me.

I dropped out in my third year at the university due to lack of cash.I couldn't afford anything as my father fell to bad times.He was duped when he set up his own company.His condition really got to me, hence my lack of concentration as well as focus in school.I felt so bad because in the whole world he was the only one who cared about me.There was really nobody to run to.

Eventually I was able to get a good job that came with my own apartment.Being so young and all alone, my colleague close to my apartment were close to me, especially her mother.They wanted to know everything about me and my family, in case anything happen to me.

This woman eventually reconciled my mother and me.My mother introduced me to her new church, Mountain of Fire and Miracles Ministries.Overtime, I was able to forgive her and would often join her in prayers when she was having problems in her marriage.

Few months after our reconciliation, her mother died and I later brought the girl from her second man to live with me.I enrolled her in one of the best computer schools in Lagos Island and she later got married and now lives in Europe with her family.

One day I had a call from my mother that she and the husband were having serious problems and she was asked to leave the house.I tried to persuade her to stay on or go to the place of her husband's sister, which is closer to her than where I was.She got angry and asked if I was coming or not.Sensing pains in her voice, I drove to her house to a scene that was terrible.

I had no choice but to go with her since her husband refused to listen.Since she had nowhere to go, I was forced to take both her and the children home with me.The eldest one had to stay with his father while three other younger ones would stay with my mother.It wasn't convenient for me at all.

I had to rush to my fiancé's place to tell him about the development.Though he had been to Benin severally to visit my dad, he hadn't met my mother yet.Hence he was happy at the opportunity of meeting her.

With the support of my fiancé, my mother got a job while my fiancé provided the money to rent her a two bedroom flat.I also gave her money to settle down.

But to my greatest dismay, my mother has been going around friends and her family painting my man and black for an offence I am still trying to fathom.The situation got so bad that friends began to ask me why I was being so mean to my mother.Even my sister, who lives abroad called to ask why I failed to provide furnished flat for our mother.

A lot has happened but the most perplexing ones are the revelations by her pastor brother that my father wasn't really my father and that I have an evil mark that has made my marriage of six years childless.

Due to the harassment of hired assassins, which left my husband almost dead we had to relocate abroad.There are revelations that my mother is behind all my woes.Even my husband is beginning to show resentment for my person.We have been to many pastors all around the world for help, but they are all unanimous.They harp on us holding on to our faith as the only panacea out of the spiritual problems we found ourselves.My mother has been reported to have sworn that I would never be able to give birth to a child in my life.

My marital life is now devoid of all the jokes and laughter that characterised nascent stage marriage.I am fed up.

Princess.

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Dear Princess,

The greatest spiritual battle in life is to fight one's own blood especially one's mother.It is a battle which only a firm faith in God as well as determination to remain on the path of justice can win for you.

Irrespective of how she treated you in the past, she remains your mother and has some spiritual powers over you.Every mother draws her spiritual strength over her child from carrying the baby in the mystery of her womb.Even where she didn't invest love and care, her powers over her child is strong.

For this reason, you must resist the urge to fight her.It isn't worth it because she would only end up doing you more harm than you already have.Your battle with your mother isn't only about your inability to bear a child, but also using your wisdom to buy your freedom from the bitterness of her heart.

From your story, her bitterness with you didn't start today.It goes to the day she discovered she was pregnant with you.Your presence in her life, though not of your own making denied her freedom, brought shame to her and caused some emotional and psychological set backs for her.Coming so early into her life, she holds the opinion that you short-changed her dreams.

Naturally, she is wrong to accuse you of all these things but when one is bitter and looking for a scapegoat, there is no reasoning with such a person.

Whatever happened between her and your father, she blamed and still blames you for it.In her heart, she holds you responsible for the mistakes her life has become; the number of marriages she has had to go through; the choices she was forced to make because of her history of being a used woman.You may not understand why she is blaming you given the fact that she made the choice to sleep with the man who eventually fathered you.When a woman has her dreams and trust shattered by a man, she lashes out bitterly at anything that reminds her of the man.You would always remind her of her nemesis.Nothing you say, do or give her would ever made up for the pains of her rejection by the man who fathered you.That both of them didn't marry shows that the feelings that prompted them to sleep together didn't run deep.Have you ever asked your father why he and your mother didn't end up marrying each other? Have you also asked him why he didn't remarry? His responses may give you clear clues to the reason for your mother's bitterness.

So it is a battle well beyond you, long before you were born.Therefore it isn't a battle some few moments of compassion would ever wipe away or make up for.

That you have succeeded beyond her dreams despite everything she did to make you suffer emotionally all that she suffered, only ups her bile against you.

Even if she is the most celebrated witch, running away from her isn't a solution.Being her first child, your destinies are interwoven.If anything happens to her today, you have a role to play.Yes, you tried your best but the moment you agreed to reconcile with her, you gave her new entry into your life.

It would not be so easy to get her out of it without some form of painful sacrifices.

She alleges you have abandoned her.Having gone the length you did with her, the wisest thing to do now is to come to some sorts of arrangement with her on her upkeep.If possible, come back to Nigeria to beg her and to tell her to pray for you.Ensure you go in the company of a person she cannot refuse his or her request.Even if you don't feel like crying, when you get to her, go on your knees, cry your heart out for mercy and tell her to forgive you of real and imagined offences committed against her.End up by asking her to pray for you as a mother.Tell her to wish you luck and happiness in life.

Tell her to pray that you have children of your own.

All these are to ensure that whatever curse or thing she has done to hurt you is reversed by her.Before going, embark on prayer and fasting for the mercy of God to go before you.Sometimes, it is not just simply a matter of faith but that of obtaining mercy.The difference between David and Saul is mercy.

What is most important now is God's mercy in helping you reach out to her wherever she is now could be the most bitter.Besides prayers, you know her material needs.Patronise her by acceding to her request for a well furnished house.What matter is for you to be happy, so make the sacrifices that go with having her kind for a mother? She is your cross; you must be wise on the proper technique of relating with her.

God isn't oblivious of what you are going through with her but for you to enter into your freedom this is the time for you to give unto Cesar what is his' and what is God's to Him.There are some enemies that will never die or vanish simply because we want them to; what we need is the mercy of God to scale through their mechanism with minimal pains.

And since we all suffer from the yoke of foundational problems, you need the mercy of God not to be a victim of her mistakes.For your sake, remove all bitterness from your heart.You don't need such burden in your quest for solution.

As for your pastor uncle, refrain from saying anything negative about your mother to him.The less you talk about her, the better for you.

God will teach you how to go about it.

Good luck.

Finding It Hard To Forgive Her Betrayal Of My Love

Dear Agatha,

Advise me on what to do.It is all about my girlfriend, and a girl I love very much.When we started, we promised that the only thing we would not forgive one another is unfaithfulness.I was very categorical that I would never forgive her if I discover that she has been unfaithful to me.We promised to eventually marry one another.

All these happened before I travelled out of the country two years ago.We talked everyday but she called one day to beg me to forgive her.Since she hadn't done anything to warrant begging, I was puzzled by her request.So, I told her to tell me what she had done.

And she confessed sleeping with another man.Despite the fact that she confessed the relationship herself, and that I wouldn't have known anything, still I am finding it very difficult to forgive her.The distance between us notwithstanding, I make sure she doesn't lack anything.Hence I cannot understand her reason for doing that.I also supported her to finish her school.Now, see how she is paying me back for all I have done for her.I am so confused and disturbed that I cannot think straight.Please help me.

Efenba.

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Dear Efenba,

This is tricky but there is no offence beyond pardon in life provided the one doing the forgiving has the emotional stamina to completely forget.

Irrespective of whatever vows you both made, the gospel of relationship preaches faithfulness at all times.Both of you didn't need that vow to stay faithful to each other.It is expected that when two persons are committed to one another, all other persons and interests are forgotten.Therefore, she wronged you and the commitment a relationship demands by not only going out with another man but sleeping with him as well.

Whatever her reasons were for doing what she did, it still doesn't erase the fact that she has been unfaithful to you.For this reason you have every right to be angry with her.If you decide to terminate the relationship on account of this, nobody would blame you after all, she has broken the chain that binds both of you together.

But relationship isn't as simple as that.Sometimes, what appears the obvious solution at the beginning doesn't at the end of the day.This is because it is emotional and with emotions, there aren't clear cut mathematical solutions. Emotions come with too many complexities that it is always best to view things from an entirely wholesome perspective before a decision is taken to avoid regrets.Sometimes, what works for one person, may not be what would work for you.While another man can afford to turn his back against the woman who has betrayed him in the worst way any woman can betray a man, it might not be so simple an issue for another man to handle.

This is because just as our characters and attributes are different so also are the chemical compositions that make us unique. Not even identical twins can claim the same destiny in the sense that God may have made them appear the same physically, their outlook towards life give them different personalities.

It helps not to say or do anything when a matter is very fresh to avoid rash decisions.For now, the best thing to do is to refuse to take a decision until the clouds of the pains clear significantly to enable you view what is ahead of you.

Since the past cannot be divorced from our present, this is the right time to go back memory lane, to those things and places that made both of you such a hot item.Why did you decide on her among all the other girls that came your way? Something about her must have made you proposed marriage to her.Can you recall what precisely that thing is? Can you quantify the joy she has brought into your life as well as the sense of fulfillment? Would leaving her make you happier than you are now? Since the discovery, what percentage of you died with the news? Can you ever be complete without this woman? Would you have reasons to regret later that you might have been too hasty in judging her?

You cannot change what she has done; this is a fact you have to learn to live with. So even if you refuse to forgive her, it won't change the reality of the situation.

What can change things is your attitude to what has happened.Like you rightly pointed out, she didn't have to tell you what she did and since you had no way of knowing, she could have gotten away with it.She told you because guilt didn't allow her to rest from what she had done.Only people with conscience allow guilt to determine their actions.For her to have told you herself shows remorse as well as the intention to remain honest to you despite what she had done.

This is one vital point you should not neglect.If you didn't know anything about it in the first place you won't be talking about forgiveness or forgetting a crime.You are talking about it because she told you of what she had done.Not many girls would have done that.Given the fact that you are so far away from her and nobody would have told you, a lot of girls would have continued to string you along until you sent for them.

The truth is that when a body is used to sex, it is difficult for some people to stay off it for a long time.This has nothing to do with their values or persons simply a case of the body demanding for appeasement.Like hunger, some people cannot simply control their sexual urges.What the body doesn't know, it doesn't crave for, so in a way, you may have contributed to her dilemma when you were around.If you didn't refuse her sex, encouraged her to have sex with you at will, she wouldn't have been sexually bereaved leaving her for such a long time.Our bodies simply don't do what we expect of it at times.

While this is not an excuse, in a moment of weakness, it could happen before she knew what she was doing hence her sense of guilt.

Has she ever given you any reason to doubt her? Suspect her of being disloyal to you while you were here in Nigeria? If she never for once gave you reason to doubt her loyalty, why not give her a second chance? Her conduct no doubt is condemnable, enough for you to call off the relationship without thinking twice but look deep into your heart, forgive her if your love for her is strong enough to deal with it.But allow her to go if you know you would always hold it against her.

With forgiveness comes new strength and new focus.It also brings in new respect and determination never to hurt our loved ones again.Your forgiveness may be what she needs to be more determined; to be a good woman.She didn't do it to hurt you but because she lacked the self-discipline to control herself.

That you have written me about it means you are not so convinced about leaving her, hence the need for you to take some time off to do a good thinking before telling her what you feel.

God will help you make the right decision.

Good luck.

My Son Has Erection Crisis Due To Chronic Piles

Dear Agatha,

I have a teenage son whose anus is protruding. I discovered this about four years ago and since then I had been searching everywhere for help. Ironically, he does not feel any pain, only that he stays in the toilet for a very long time and then you see his anus protruding like sausage roll.

I had taken him to many general hospitals around, and they said with time it will heal. But it is over four years now and I have not seen any positive result.

I have also used local herbs to no avail.

My main worry now is the fact that the boy's manhood is not looking like any child of his age but rather looks like that of a little boy. And I have noticed that he does not have erection. I am therefore very worried, I do not know if the ailment is responsible for the present state of his manhood. I have heard that such health challenge can lead to inability to father a child.

Please what do you think I can do to help him?

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

The doctors must have given a name to whatever it is that is wrong. What did they say is wrong and responsible for the protruding anus? Something must have caused it. What in their opinion did? Were tests carried out on him? What general hospitals did you go to? Have you tried getting them to refer you to a teaching hospital because it is not normal for the anus to protrude out of its jacket when one goes to the toilet? That it is happening is enough evidence on its own that medically something is wrong. So, no doctor can dismiss it as one of those things that would go on its own.

Once the anus begins to leave its jacket at will, doctors suggest an operation to forestall a situation of not shrinking back to its former position. If nothing, they should be able to tell you why your son's anus keeps protruding from its normal position. So, to tell you that nothing is wrong is not tenable at all.

Do they think it has anything to do with his diet? What did they suggest you do about it? There is no way they can all be silent about the condition or say it is normal. Can you recall anything precisely about their investigations? And have you told them about his seeming problem with his manhood? You reserve the right to insist on thorough investigations where you think something is wrong. There have been instances of complicity in the way some doctors respond to issues. You can go to a higher authority to lodge complains if you suspect the doctors you are seeing aren't thorough in their response to your son's situation. When it comes to the issue of one's health it is always best to err on the side of caution than to live in permanent regret.

However, the situation you described sounded like hemorrhoids, also known as piles. It is basically inflamed tissue or blood vessels at the lower rectum. It's something that countless people suffer from silently in various degrees. It could also be a severe case of constipation. Severe constipation could lead to too much stress on the lower rectum from straining to pass difficult stool.

If they say nothing is wrong, on your own, do you think it has to do with your kind of diet? Some people have constitutions that react differently from the normal.

While you may get away with your kind of diet, your son may not be able to digest very well some of the things you serve him. The long time he spends in the toilet is suggestive that he is having problems passing stool with ease. Men are easily affected by such things because of the external nature of their male organs as well as its composition which is made up of muscles. Once a man has problems with his lower muscles, it could affect his reproductive organ.

You may start his treatment and help him improve on his digestive problem by including in his diet more fruits and vegetable. Fiber rich foods too can help a great deal to ease movement in his digestive canal. Ensure he takes plenty of water as well.

For now, remove starchy foods from his diet. Encourage him to eat fruits as whole meals or vegetable salads. Carrots are particularly helpful in easing movement of the digestive canal. What more, they are plenty now in season, and could be eaten anytime and anywhere due to the convenience. Garden eggs too have that advantage.

Discourage him from taking anything sugary. Honey should replace sugar. Another thing, I have discovered, that helps digestions very well is eating of orange. Once it is peeled, it should be eaten whole except the seeds. If he can withstand the pungent smell of garlic and onion; these can be blended into juice, sweeten with honey and taken last thing in the night. It is a great drink that aids digestion in addition to its medicinal values of blood purifier.

However, you still have to take him to a doctor to complain of his inability to have an erection. As his mother, for how long has this problem persisted? Has he ever experienced any erection as a child? Can you remember? When did his manhood stop growing? Did it happen the same time he began to have problems with his digestion? Have you pointedly complained about the incident to the doctors? If you haven't, please it is important you do so to make reversal medically possible.

Frankly, you took things for granted. You should have acted promptly the moment you noticed the problem. Damage to the reproductive system is best treated at the onset of the problem. The size of his manhood isn't as important as his ability to have an erection. Irrespective of the size of a man's organ, once he is able to have an erection, he can father a child. Like the woman's breasts, size doesn't matter when it comes to fulfilling the essence of its duty, breast-feeding a child. The problem here is the absence of an erection; a clear indication that something is fundamentally wrong with him.

As a baby, did you ever notice him having an erection? At what point did he stop having them or didn't he ever have an erection?

If government hospitals insist nothing is wrong with him, take him to a very good private hospital where the medical crew would have the patient and interest to carry out thorough investigations on him. Please don't mind the cost of ensuring he gets qualified attention; it is the least you can do for him.

Good luck.

I Love An Older Widower

Dear Agatha,

There is this man I love so much and who is also in love with me. He is very caring and treats me like a wife. He is a widower with four children. He is interested in marrying me but the big issue is he is 19 years older than I am. I am 20 years old. Please I need your advice.

Chichi.

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Dear Chichi,

If you don't have any qualms dating him and allowing him to care for you, why the sudden concern over your ages now that he has asked you to marry him? You knew he was older than you when you agreed to a relationship with him. He must have told you about himself before now so why didn't it bother you then and why now?

Is it the fact that you are taking him out of the cupboard where your relationship has operated until now to the open market where it would be once you agree to marry him? Do you consider his money, love and care also old?

What precisely are you afraid or ashamed of? The fact that your friends would wonder and laugh at your choice of a husband or that you might not be able to cope with his children? Could your concern be that he doesn't want you for who you are but as mother to his children or that your ideas and outlook towards issues are many years apart?

Are your fears over your parents'reactions or your ability to cope with one so much older than yourself? Could your fears be the one every young girl involved with an older man secretly carries deep in her heart; that of meeting a younger man who arrests your heart in more ways than you can cope with? Are you worried about your fidelity to this man and the marriage?

Frankly, there is no marriage without moments of anxiety as well as apprehension over a lot of things. You won't be human or sensible if you didn't think or worry about all these issues. With him being so much older than you, it is natural for you to put all these things in their proper perspective because the success both of you would record as a couple depends very much on how honest you are about these issues.

To help you have a very clear and broad perspective; begin by first determining the quality of your love. Is your love strong enough to swallow up all the combined opposition that would come from all fronts? Is it the kind that has an all weatherproof resistant cover or the kind that is selective? Your love for this man must be blind and deaf to what others think of him or your decision to date someone much older than you. At this threshold in your life, you are not responsible to anybody but yourself. This is your life and only you can tell what can make it work for you.

Being 19 years older than you isn't the issue but how he has affected your life positively. What improvements has he brought into your life? How has he helped you develop yourself vis-a-vis your relationship with others around you especially as it concerns your friends and family?

For you to understand a relationship, you must be holistic in your approach to issues as well as thorough. Don't forget this is about your life and that nobody can live it right for you. Don't be ashamed to say what you feel.

If gratitude is what you feel for this man and not love, he doesn't need you in his life because you would only inflict more wounds on him psychologically. Having lost a wife, he needs a woman who would not only be a mother to his children but also to him. He needs a friend, true companion, confidant, partner, helpmate, help-provider with his children.

You must also realise that this marriage is not only about him but also about four innocent children whose lives would be woven around your own once you marry him. Can you cope with this already made family?

What is your relationship with them? Do you have maternal feelings for the children? Please this is the time to be honest. Don't pretend to be who you are not? At 20, you need freedom to express yourself; to pursue your own dreams as a person as well as a married woman.

Take it from me; it is not going to be easy waking up on the first morning as a married woman to the image of four children in tow. This is an aspect you must think out well before going into it. To do anything less is to hurt this man and those children who have started to regard you as a perfect replacement for their mother. Their hearts are too tender to be inflicted with rejections the second time. The first time was when their mother died. It is best not to raise their hopes than to shatter them completely after they have accepted you into their world.

So, what do you really feel for them? Love, compassion or indifference? Like you, these children also have rights to their father's love. Can you cope with them taking up some of your space in your husband's heart? Would you change towards them when your own children come?

These are fundamentals all of you must come together to discuss as a family. Candidly, this is not going to be so easy for you. Being young, you would want some private time with your man; away from everyone; time to build memories, time to bond as man and woman; you are bound to be irritated, frustrated, feel cheated when unlike other couples of your age, you don't go out so much because of the children. Yes, you would feel aggravated when you don't have time to steal kisses or let go completely without worries about being improper. But if you all talk about it; understand that such feelings are natural; nobody would feel hurt or unwanted when such moods come. Instead of resentment, it would act as their cue to give you time to be alone with your man.

It would also help your man understand that he has to devote more time to your needs as well as being a father to the children. On your part, you would also be able to understand his reasons for doing things in certain ways. Just as you would also appreciate that the children are not intruders but legitimate members of your family as well as progressive stakeholders.

You may be young but you must appreciate that once you accept to be their father's mother, you automatically become their mother hence must possess a wisdom far above your age to know when to apply genuine discipline, praise, encourage, pray as well as support the children to succeed in life. That as their new mother your age becomes irrelevant and that what matters is the fairness you deploy in running the affairs of your home.

You also have to look beyond the present cares to what you like most about his character and person. It is important you have something substantial to hold on to for the stormy days ahead because no marriage is without its days in the hot, dry and neglected side of the desert. When couples get to that point, they need something concrete, exceptional to put their canoe back on track.

Believe me; you would have more than the average couple so it helps to be prepared from the beginning by not building your decision to marry this man on illusions but on firm reality.

Both of you just have to work these things out on your own before presenting yourselves to the public. Without first securing your hearts as well as commitments to each other, you may get derailed by public opinion.

Look beyond his age to his person, vis-a-vis your dreams about your own life and needs. Once you are convinced he is the right man for you, don't debate it with anybody except God who sees the end from the beginning. If God tells you yes; listen to Him because marriage is His special gift to mankind. When you get married to the right person, age becomes just a number. But you must be absolutely honest at every turn to be really happy.

Good luck.

He Loves Me Madly But Hard To Let Go His Old Girl

Dear Agatha,

I am 27 years of age in a year old relationship. We met after he broke up with his former girlfriend. However, he decided to go back to her in the cause of our relationship due to pressures from his friends as well as the girl.

According to him, he decided to go back to her on account of what he considered my inability to satisfy his needs. Despite this reason, he insisted he won't give up his relationship with me. In between, he proposed marriage to me. I recall asking him then if he had a choice between his former girlfriend and me. I demanded to know, who among us he would prefer for a wife. He was honest enough to tell me that he would settle for the other lady on account of being childhood friends and not necessarily because he was so smitten over her.

Now, he is begging me to forgive him as well as give him sometime to call off the relationship between them. His new position has to do with his recent discovery that she is an outcast.

Agatha, would he have come back to me if he didn't find out that she is an outcast? Do you think he loves me? Should I agree to this relationship? I am really depressed and very confused at what to do.

Jaykay.

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Dear Jaykay,

The first mistake you made was allow him talk you into staying on when he decided to go back to the other lady. If you had any self-worth, you would have called it off the moment he decided to go back to his former girlfriend. You should not have allowed him to persuade you to stay on.

That you stayed on showed some sort of desperation on your part to have him at all cost, hence his insensitivity to your feelings. Had you, at the time, left him to pursue his relationship with this other lady without you staying on, you would have earned yourself some measure of respect from him. Not that he wouldn't have come back if he realised you were the one he preferred but to stay on while he makes up his mind on what he really wants from life isn't in your best interest at all.

He can't eat and still have his cake. If he actually has any deep feelings for you, he wouldn't have treated you the way he did. Sincerely, there is nothing to be confused over in this matter because from his behaviour he has demonstrated his little need of you in his life.

A man who wants a woman would do everything to make her happy. From the way he is treating both of you, it is very clear he doesn't care about either of you just as he doesn't know what he wants from life.

He went back to the other lady on account of you not being able to meet his needs. Have you bothered to ask yourself why he still wants you around him when he has told you, you are unable to meet his needs? Isn't that a good reason for him to always have an affair outside you? What makes you think you would now be able to meet his needs with this other girl out of the picture?

What precisely are the needs he is complaining about? Sexual needs or what? Before he went back to the other lady, did he ever complain about your inability to meet his needs? What efforts did he put in helping you measure up to his standards? Even if you know next to nothing about lovemaking, the right thing is for him to teach you not to dump you on account of it. We go into relationship to improve on things we know and know those things we are ignorant of. There are always a lot of things to be learnt in a relationship. It is supposed to be a field of knowledge; not one in which ignorance now count as an offence.

A man really passionate about his woman doesn't leave her on account of her shortcomings; rather he devotes time to helping her overcome them. Did he do that for you? Love is all about sacrifices. You don't fall in love or stay in a relationship because everything is going your way. A good relationship is one that the two parties are able to re-invest themselves at every turn. Without his willingness to invest in this relationship, there is no way you can be happy in it because no matter how much you try, he would always have an excuse to make you feel inadequate.

That he is willing to run from the other lady on account of her outcast status shows that it is not simply a case of you being able to satisfy him but that of him knowing what precisely he wants from life and also of a willingness to settle down.

You don't need a crystal ball to tell a man who is ready to settle down. A man who knows what he wants would not give up the woman of his dreams without a fight. He would put into account all the other qualities the woman has that would make the risk of going against the wish of his family or the others worth taking.

Is he saying that there is nothing worth fighting for in this woman to make him stand by her in her time of need; even if it means being abandoned by his family? What risk is he ready to make for love?

Frankly, there are no assurances with this type of man. There would always be a reason for him to leave you again for another woman anytime he feels the pressures are becoming too much for him.

The inherent reason for his actions is fear over the future. He is not ready for the type of commitments you and the other woman may be looking for. Until he is ready, he would keep coming with bouquets of excuses to go from one woman to the other.

He doesn't love either of you. He is only in love with himself, his own comfort as well as those things that make him happy. Asking you to stay on with him while he thinks of a way of doing away with the other woman is yet another way of making sure none of you is really in charge of his life.

If you stay on, it is at your own risk. Because he is the only one with the timetable of how long it would take him to be ready. His time could be forever. And where would that leave you?

In your own interest, give him up and give yourself the freedom to love another man.

There is nothing solid about this relationship to warrant you staying on. If you two are at the end of the day meant to be together; it won't be under this present situation. New conditions, allegiances, commitments have to be worked out if you insist on having this relationship for yourself.

The danger of you allowing it to grow in its present format is that you may end up with more bitterness and disappointment as the days roll by, than you are currently, because he would keep treating you without considerations for your person or feelings. So, don't be afraid to give him up because you really don't have him in the first place. What you have is cloud, which would soon disappear. Work for substance, something that would leave you fulfilled as a woman and person.

No relationship is worth your self-esteem. The moment a relationship tears up the esteem of one of its partners, it is best that it is rested else it would leave the vulnerable party too damaged to start afresh. The tragedy of life is not in falling but being able to stand up again. If you think at 27, you don't have all the time in the world to begin something new, you would never be able to enjoy fully all those promises that go with being married.

This man isn't doing you any big favour by keeping you in his life. So, don't give him the impression that you cannot live without him, because that would be your greatest undoing in life.

He would continue to make you unhappy as long as you continue to give him the chance to hurt you.

Good luck.

I'm Set For Marriage...He Still Seeks Admission

Dear Agatha,

I am 22 in a relationship with a man at 27. We have been in this relationship for about six years.

But the challenge is that while I am already an undergraduate my boyfriend is still struggling for an admission into the university.

I am the eldest of six children in the family and things are not that glowing with us.

I want to get married so that I would be able to care for my younger ones. Men have been coming to ask for my hand in marriage. The thing is that my boyfriend is not ready to get married now or in the nearest future. He still has a long way to go.

Please, Agatha, I am confused. I don't know what to do. Help me, I am helpless now.

Helpless Lady.

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Dear Helpless Lady,

There is more to marriage than the issue you highlighted, that of caring for your siblings. People should marry for love and friendship. There is no way you would be able to fulfill your self-given assignment of looking after your younger ones if you don't have a happy home or a supportive husband. Everything has to be in it right place for you to play your role effectively as an elder sister because nothing in life exists in vacuum.

While there is the possibility you and your current boyfriend whom you started dating when you knew next to nothing about what you wanted out of life may have outgrown each other, the fact remains that you simply cannot end one relationship over lack of direction and jump into another on account of what your family is passing through.

If you go on with this agenda, chances are very obvious that you would be offering yourself to the highest bidder, the man who has the money to help you train your siblings and not because you want to be happy in your life.

There is a very thick line between love and want. You may want a man for his money but without the essential ingredients of love, you will never be able to give that man the respect and loyalty his position as your husband demands.

The danger of such an arrangement are too numerous to contemplate. The first is that you would never have the patience and tolerance to journey with your man through the concomitant turbulence of marriage. For you to endure situations in a marriage there must be a measure of love or friendship involved. It is also love or friendship that gives one the confidence as well as determination to make good of a bad situation. If the essence of agreeing to marriage is based on financial stability or consideration, the emotional determination to make it work dips because nothing in their emotional composition is strong enough to bring about such profound level of commitment.

No amount of money is ever enough to buy happiness, loyalty or commitment. This is one issue you must consider critically. It won't do you any good to get married to one man today only to discover that you are in love with another man tomorrow. Such hasty and ill-conceived reason is the reason so many marriages are in trouble today. The gift of marriage flows from inside not outward appearances or the things the person has.

Before a marriage can work and provide the couple an enabling environment to achieve their dream for coming together, they must have a common ground to operate.

It is quite remarkable that you have the passion to help with your family; only a man who shares in your passion and love for your family would be able to help you uplift them.

For a man to do that, he has to love you in a special kind of way so as not to see you or your family as a burden to him. He has to be man enough to be able to withstand the attendant family commotion that characterises heavy investment in the woman's family. the type of man that would, must be your friend, because one who is not would one day wake up and send everybody off from his home on account of a quarrel. He has to be a man who is patient, respectful, humble, tolerant, caring and very understanding of life, or else you would end up being a slave in your home, simply because you want to be on his good side always, so he can continue to sponsor your younger ones. The worst kind of thing to happen to any man or woman is to have his or her pride dragged into the mud. It hurts more than physical assault. So, be careful you don't mortgage your pride as well as those of your family members in your hastiness to get married.

This is extremely important because this man isn't ever going to go away. He would always be with you and your family hence it is necessary that he has the right attitude to prevent bad blood in the family.

Among all those asking your hand in marriage which among them is ready to make such a monumental sacrifice for you? Who is willing to take on the burden of an already made family? Who would not after a while, think you and your family a burden or treat you with contempt at being the saviour of the family? Who among them can you love unconditionally?

Your ideal man may not have money but peace to offer you to build on your own potentials. Self-help is usually the best form of help. No matter how rich your ideal man is, in your own interest as well as that of your family, you also have to put in your effort because eventually, both of you would have children of your own which would obliterate the preference for your siblings' interest.

Money isn't the only support a man can give you. If he gives you peace in the home as well as trust and support to reach the pinnacle of your career, having the resources to train your siblings won't be any problem to you in the sense that you would be able to build a viable career.

It could be in the area of good business ideas to your family. Support comes in all sorts of form. So, be careful you don't limit your choices. Look for a man whose tomorrow is brighter than today. Remember you are no longer 16 hence must know what you want to enable you recognise similar needs in a man.

As for your current boyfriend, I agree it may not be easy for you to wait for him to be ready in the sense that at 27, he is yet to have a clear idea of where life is leading him. If he is still struggling to gain admission into school at this age, when would he finish his education, serve, get a job and be ready for marriage? You may not be able to wait for him since you are already in school. This situation works well if the man gets into school first and you the woman still struggling to get in.

Having stayed with him for six years, you owe him the truth. It is better he gets hurt telling him the truth than you leaving without explaining your reasons to him.

Let him know this is one incident when your love for each other isn't just enough for you anymore, when you want more from life than you are currently getting.

It is only after you have told him everything that you can leave him to pursue your new dreams. But in pursuing your new dreams, you must also be sure that this old relationship is really over, else you may never have the opportunity of redeeming your mistake.

Good luck.

My Family Detests His Proposal Like Plague

Dear Agatha,

I am 24 years of age; into a relationship that is almost four years old. He is only six months older than I am. The grouse is that nobody in my family is in support of the relationship. Initially I ignored the position of my siblings, but my guardian of 20 years has also come out to vehemently kick against the relationship. Even my boyfriend's elder brother is also against the relationship.

We are currently also not on speaking terms. Although he has asked me to marry him, I declined the offer due to the possible fear of what my siblings would do to him or me should we carry on the relationship. My elder brother who got winds of his proposal has threatened to beat him up if he hears about such nonsense again.

Agatha, I don't know if I should ignore my siblings and my guardian's position and go ahead to marry him. For four years now, my guardian has been promising to sponsor my desire to go further in my education, but nothing has come of the promise. Should I go ahead or end the relationship? Sincerely speaking, I am confused.

Mercy.

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Dear Mercy,

Why are they all against your relationship with this man? What is the common theme of their objection? Has it got anything to do with his personality, attitude or presentation of himself? There must be something very important that warrants their complaints. What is it? If you were to objectively score this man, what grade would you give him? And if he weren't your boyfriend, would you agree with what members of your family are saying about him?

I ask these questions to help broaden your views about what is happening and to open your eyes to the real issues at stake.

Having dated him for four years, do you agree with all or some of the issues being touted by these people?

Because this issue involves your life, it is in your interest you tell the truth about the situation to forestall regrets and pains later in life.

There is usually no smoke without fire. Something must have warranted even your guardian of 20 years to have voiced an opinion on this matter. Even your letter is silent on your feelings for him; suggesting that your relationship is not too perfect as one would have expected a relationship that has endured four years. For you to have expressed a desire to end the love-deal is enough evidence on its own to underline the presence of problems.

To determine whether your family is right in its disapproval, ask yourself if this man would make you a very happy woman and if you would be able to withstand him in the years to come especially against the background of what you know of him?

It is only when you are convinced that he is the right man for you that you can muster the strength to withstand your family's combined pressure. You are confused about this man because you lack a clear idea of what you want in life and the type of man you need in your life to help you accomplish your dreams.

So, it is not so much of what others are saying about your man, but what you don't know you want. Once you are able to deal with your own wants, desires and focus on precision; get a clearer picture of whether this man is the right man or not would emerge. With that would come the strength or realisation to either move on with him or look for the right man that would help your dream in life.

Four years aren't four days. If your relationship with him had been properly structured from the beginning, both of you by now must have built sufficient trust in your abilities to know without doubts if he is the right one or not for you.

That you have doubts is an indication that your four years together were spent doing other things rather than growing the relationship. Had both of you done the right things, no matter what others feel about both of you, something deep inside you should point you at the right direction. Not as if there is a relationship that is completely perfect, but for the simple reason that you know so many things about him which people not close to him don't know.

To help you situate things, go to your family and ask them as gently as you can, why they think this man is wrong for you. In your interest, don't go with the mind of fighting or arguing every point they make against him. Instead, listen to them; they may have observed certain things you haven't bothered to consider because of your closeness to him. Reflect on what they have said, and observations you know are not true, explain with all the patience in the world the things you know about him. Don't paint him in saintly apparel. Admit his faults and let them know that like all of them complaining, nobody is perfect. The ones you doubt be honest enough to admit them, and give them (your family) the assurances that you would investigate them all. And the ones that are simply malicious or frivolous, let them know precisely what you think about them too, without raising your voice in anger.

Remember these people are on your side and only want the best for you, so it would not be in your interest to alienate them from your affairs completely, not because you don't know what you want but for that day when things might not be so rosy in your relationship. A day would come in your relationship when you would need the comfort of a familiar hand to help you through a difficult patch. It is for days like these, you must not completely shut out your family from your affairs.

Doubtlessly, you have every right at your age to take decisions for yourself, but all avenues must first be exploited, to reconcile your man with them.

If the little difference in your age is one of the reasons your family is against the relationship, it is only a matter of telling them what you and your man discussed on the issue. That is, if you have both considered it an issue to be discussed at all.

If their concern is genuine, they would let the issue die a natural death once you are able to convince them about your willingness to stick with him irrespective of your age disparity.

But it is an issue you must discuss with your man if you both have never done that. Both of you must appreciate that a lot of sacrifices and responsibilities come with this type of arrangement. You, in particular, must appreciate that your ages put you both at par on the issue of providing the basic structure in your drive to begin a life together. You must be willing to meet him halfway, since he doesn't have the head provided by age to provide those things a woman or her family regard as basic sign of a man's readiness for marriage.

The pressure it puts on you is to ensure you stay in shape to avoid providing him an excuse on a platter of gold to stray from home.

On the issue of your guardian, using your relationship with this man as an excuse for him not to sponsor your education, don't bother. If he hadn't done that before now, he is only looking for an excuse to justify his inability to fulfill his promise; it has nothing to do with your interest in this man.

Whatever happens, learn to pray earnestly before taking a decision because issues that look so complex today may not be so exaggerated tomorrow.

Good luck.

My Dream Girl Is A Lesbian...

Dear Agatha,

I am a 20 year old undergraduate in love with a girl who is a year or two younger than I am. I know I love her because I can tell when I am in love or lust.

But there is a huge problem, she is a lesbian. She disclosed this to me on the day I asked her out. We stay in the same area and have been friends for over eight months. I first got attracted to her on account of her friendly attitude before I fell in love with her.

After much pleading on my part, she agreed to date me but was worried how she would cope with me and her female friend at the same time.

I assured her this aspect of her didn't bother me now nor would it bother me in the future since my interest in her includes changing her for the better.

She told me my mission to change her wasn't going to be easy but I was determined since I love her very much and was convinced that she was misled into it.

I love her but I have never dealt with any issue of this nature and, to be candid, I don't even know where to start. Please advise me on what to do, because I am confused.

We have been together in my bedroom for some hours, but not for once did I have the urge to approach her for sex, not even when I kiss her. This is why I am so sure I love her. I really don't want to rush anything.

However, I am worried that she could still be having fun with her lesbian partners. I know I should be spending quality time with her, but what do you think will happen when I am off to school? How do I combine my school and this assignment, because my school is as important as my life?

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

Like you said it isn't going to be easy getting her off this addiction. Like all other addictions, you would need to be patient, trusting, caring, and understanding even when it is obvious that she has slipped.

If you are going to help her, you must learn to be strong. There is no way you can offer her quality help if you are burdened by worries and anxieties over her going back to her old ways.

Understand one basis thing about life; old habits are the most difficult to kill especially if the desire to change is coming from the pressures of another person. Her transformation can only be processed at the pace you expect if the desire to change is coming from her. Until you came into her life, she didn't have the need to change neither did she see anything out of the ordinary with her sexual preference.

That you are not condemning or loathsome is the best attitude and the major way you can earn her trust and respect. She has to learn to trust and respect you to make her change from her ways. Once you are her friend, you would not want to do anything to hurt you. But you also have to appreciate that she isn't the only one you are against. She has partners and other members of the cult who, like you, want her.

To know how to help, you have to know the powers they have over her. This is important to enable plan your strategy; know how to checkmate them effectively. It would also help you know if you need the help of a trustworthy friend or sibling of hers who isn't a member of the cult.

Since she trusts you enough to give you information about herself, ask her how she got initiated into it. Demand to know who among her current partners did the initiation. It is also necessary you know what her position is in the cult and what role she plays, female or male. If she is the female, she is the weak chain and could easily be pressured into submission by the aggressive members of the cult hence her need to change her location. You must also know how far she has gone because usually there is a network, a kind of ring.

By the time she tells you all you need to know about her and her friends; you would be better informed about the strength of opposition as well as her own willingness to help you effect the change.

In questioning her, ensure you also know what she likes as a person and woman. Pry into her dream before and after she became a lesbian. It is also imperative you know why she went into it and what measure of fulfillment she is getting from it. Ask her if she has had sex with a man before; if yes, demand to know how she finds the two experiences compared to the last time she had sex with a member of the opposite sex. If she went into it while she was in school; possibly an all girls school, then she had it all laid out for her by crafty seniors who guise as caring school mothers. To help get her on tract, you have to deploy the same methods of care, gifts, interest in her, true friendship to wean her of a habit she got into when she was still a greenhorn and very innocent of the implication.

The timetable must be flexible as well as of a long span. Depending on her thinking, she has to see you not as the monster and heart breakers men were presented to her but a human being capable of making mistakes too. For this reason, you must be careful about the promises you are making. Don't give her the impression that you have all the aces. Let her know that she must learn to take her chance in life despite the promises of pains and disappointment it offers. Be careful too not to be too condemning of her act so that she doesn't run away from you altogether. Don't forget that this is the only form of security she has as of now. So, while trying to change her, don't do anything that would make her consider you as an enemy instead of the friend you are trying to be.

But if she went into it for the excitement, glitz or out of a desire to belong to her friends' club, be tactical. You have to learn how to be a diplomat because for her the methods used in weaning the one who got into it when she was still very young and naÔve may not work well with her.

The magic might well be into getting her to be interested in your friends; both male and females you know have normal sexual habit. This would work well if you have all the time in the world to introduce her to your world but since you would soon be leaving for school, surround her with friends who would ensure she stays on track. Friends, who would go out of their way to befriend her, show her something different from the one she is used to.

One thing is clear; you can only help her if she is willing to help herself. No matter how tolerant, selfless, caring, understanding and patient you are, if she refuses to change there is little or nothing you can do about her.

The most important way to help her is to pray her out of the ugly habit. Only God can help you achieve your dream with her.

Good luck.