I’m ashamed of her

Dear Agatha, I am a 50 years old woman, married with four children and a Christian. I have been married for 20 years to an uneducated woman who lied to me that she was a school certificate holder. My desire while in the university was to marry a lady with secondary school background and subsequently train her to higher education. To my chagrin, after our first child; I realized my wife could hardly read nor write. She apparently dropped out from primary school. Although she is pretty and smart, the mere fact that she is educationally deficient has been a huge source of embarrassment to me over the years. I find it difficult to go out with her or allow her socialise with my colleagues for fear she could misfire. Over the years I have tried to persuade her to further her education, albeit through the various adult education programme. She has always considered my insistence too hard on her. This has weakened my love for her and is making me to think of getting another lady with better education to give me the necessary social fulfillment I have always craved for. Apart from my first degree, I have two master degrees and despite all my entreaties for her to equip herself, she keeps resisting my moves. We had fought over this matter in the past which led to my asking her to pack out of my house for over a year until family members intervened and begged me. Honestly, her educational inadequacy has diminished my social outlook and networking because of fear of becoming susceptible to ridicule and embarrassment from my friends and their wives. Now I am considering the option of marrying a young lady with Higher National Diploma (HND) or first degree who will give me joy, fulfillment and happiness which my wife’s illiteracy has denied me over the years. Although she is very kind and respectful but the only thing lacking in our relationship is the lack of her educational pursuit which is at variance with my life and my status. I am a voracious reader and my private library speaks volumes of this. As a result of her educational limitations, she cannot understand or flow with the technicalities of my business; rather she has settled for mere buying and selling. Instead of my wife being at a vantage position in my business to understudy the operation, her limited education prevents her from occupying such prime position. We rely so much on others for support because our children are still young. Agatha, please advise me on what to do? It’s a matter that is giving me headache. Although, all is well with our relationship, but inside of me, I am not a happy man and this has affected my level of intimacy and romance with her. I only find solace in our children who are promising and doing well in school. Miserable Husband. Dear Miserable Husband, You are being stingy with the truth here. It is 20 years too late to dwell on whatever she told you before you got married or for you to dwell on your decision to marry her. I say this because, if she is as bad as you paint the picture of her illiteracy, how come you didn’t notice when you were wooing her to become your wife? Wasn’t there some level of communication between the two of you at the time you met and married her? Surely, you must have observed all these flaws you are now playing up from your conversation with her back then. That you didn’t mind sufficiently to discourage the relationship between the two of you progressing beyond the point it was back then, meant you were satisfied with her. So what changed? The fact that you are lying to yourself about what you want from her and marriage or that she lied to you about her qualifications? There is no way she could have masked this disability that is making you so uncomfortable back then. The truth is at that time, you didn’t think it an issue, was taken in by her beauty as well as the qualities of a good woman you saw in her. That inspite of her educational limitations she has been able to manage your home successfully, helped in building the viable business you have today as well as intelligent children underscores her qualities as a good woman, mother and home builder. Without all the support she gave you as an understanding woman, I doubt if you would have anything tangible to point to as your achievement. Ask men who are unfortunate to have bad women as wives; then you would learn to appreciate the mercy of God on your life. It is because this woman has given you peace in your life that is why you are so bothered about her lack of educational courtesies and qualifications. If she didn’t embarrass you when you wooed her to become your wife; has given your children the kind of support to make you proud of them, what makes you think she isn’t good enough for your class of friends? If she was the kind of woman who made the house very uncomfortable for you, I doubt if you would be so bothered about her lack of education. Men who have bad wives are more concerned about their peace than the kind of educational qualifications of the women. Those kinds of men would rather be happy with a complete illiterate than one with the best qualifications in the world. After 20 years, you should know by now that successful marriages aren’t powered by paper qualifications but by the ability of the woman in the house to cope with all the challenges thrown at her. I’m sure she has used proceeds from her buying and selling to support you and the home. That is why the Bible calls her a helpmate to her husband. If you have been in and out of the university pursuing one academic qualification or the other, it means, she has always been the one at home, tending to the children and you. Her university is in her home; her qualification is the success your children and you are today. That she didn’t make a mess of her primary assignment means she has something upstairs; has the often forgotten native intelligence to know when to approach her husband, know how to tend to his needs, massage his ego to ensure he stays in top form. I don’t know if her lack of education makes her inept in the bedroom, but be careful you don’t bring a woman who will hurt and destroy all that you and this woman laboured to build in the two decades of your marriage. Whether or not she can read or write doesn’t make her irrelevant in your achievements so far. It would be so unfair to bring in another woman to manage what this woman through her years of toil and support helped you to achieve. Sincerely, if you wanted her to improve on her education, there are other options you could have adopted to get her to comply. From the tone of your mail, it is obvious that your obsession with her level of education has made you very unfeeling, rude and insensitive to her needs as a person. In your opinion, she has completely failed in everything on account of what you think she lacks. You don’t have to become violent physically to make it clear to this woman that you no longer find her presence useful in your home. The method you are using is emotional violence; the kind people don’t see but makes the one at the receiving end bitter and lacking in self confidence. There is no way your attitude can motivate her to go back to school because already you have destroyed whatever little confidence she has in her abilities. If you are caring, understanding and lovingly persuasive, she knows that she can count on your support to overcome her fears or difficulties in her quest to be educated. But given your lord imperial approach and attitude, it would be almost impossible for you to get her to go back to school. No adult wants to be treated like an idiot or a child. If you are truthful, chances are you relate with her as an idiot lacking in any form of intelligence. Not until you change your superior approach towards her, you cannot get her to do anything beyond what the society expects of her as a good wife, mother and home-keeper. You can still get her to go back to school if you change your attitude towards her by learning to be an appreciative and loving husband. Marrying another woman isn’t a solution. Yes, she may have the kind of qualifications you desire in your woman, what about the qualifications of being a good and supportive wife? At 50, when your mates are planning their retirement, you want to start babies and nappies again? With tender care, attention and quality intimacy, your wife will agree to go back to school or allow a private teacher to coach her on the basic requirements to make her acceptable to your new social circle. Good luck.

Her father is being difficult

Dear Agatha, Of recent, I have been following your page and thanks for your concern about people’s needs. Not too long ago, I met a lady when we went for our National Youth Service orientation in Enugu. That was where it all started from. When I saw her, I was convinced she would be my wife. She is from the South-South geographical area of the country while am from South-East. In the camp, I took my time to study her and found out that she has everything I wanted in a woman. She read Statistics while I studied Sociology/Anthropology. I couldn’t hide my feeling from her neither did I want to waste precious time. I opened up and told her of my desire to marry her. She didn’t say anything me at first. She thought I was joking. To demonstrate my sincerity, I told her to inform her parents about me which she did after the two weeks break the National Youth Service Commission gave us. When she came back, she told me that her parents said it was too sudden; that we have to give ourselves time which I agreed to. After two months, I thought it wise to let my pastor and parents know about this plan, I went ahead to inform them about the development. My parents asked me to bring her home which I did. We spent some days in my parents’ place. They took a liking to her because she is not only God fearing but also obedient and respectful. Six months later, I asked her to go back to her parents to remind them of what she earlier told them, which she did. This time, her father told her he wanted her to go for Master’s programme and that she can bring me home after enrolling for the programme. I agreed since I also desired to do mine. Unfortunately, the university she applied for her programme requested her discharge certificate which was yet to be issued then. This made her to miss the admission for that year. We both considered the time we were going to waste hence decided make out time to see her parents. I told her to let her father know that our marriage will not stop her from pursuing her programme since both of us hope to be lecturers in the nearest future. She did but he refused. I then told her to appeal to her mother which she did. The mother agreed I should come over to see her father. Last week I went after informing my parents of my desire to see her parents; I traveled to North-Central where my girlfriend’s parents stay to meet with them. On arrival, my girlfriend told me she only informed the father about two hours to my arrival. When I met the father, a pastor, he welcomed me well and after some exchanges, demanded to know what my mission to his house was all about. I told him. He confirmed he only got to know about my journey two hours before I came. I apologized on behalf of my girlfriend. At the end of it all, he told me that before we can get married, he would like the vision of his daughter becoming a lecturer accomplished and that he would want to pray over it. I accepted but the problem here is that it would take up to two-three years for her to be through. Agatha, I would like you to know that my girlfriend and I are no longer kids; we are 29-26 years of age respectively. I’m confused with this condition. What do I do now? Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, At 29, you may be an adult but when it comes to marriage, are you really prepared for the challenges that go with it? As a man who plans to get married, what can you point to as your modest achievement? How do you propose to sustain you and your family in the later years? Having just finished your youth service, your concern now should be getting a job to support your vision of settling down. From the content of your letter, you are still dependent on your parents. If this is so, you are wrong to want to get married now. You must earn your respect as a man first before bringing a woman into your life permanently. Without the ability to maintain a home as a man, you risk losing the respect of not only your woman but that of her family and friends. It is the duty of the man to provide for his family. Have you in all these given a thought to the children that would come when the two of you get married? You can agree to delay the process of having children to enable both of you finish with your studies but there are some children that defy family planning. They come irrespective of whatever prevention the woman has taken. If the father gives the go ahead for you to marry his daughter and she gets pregnant almost immediately, how do you plan to provide for your family? Would you have to rely on your parents or parents-in-law to help with the upkeep of your home? Love alone cannot feed and sustain any relationship and marriage. Yes, it is the vehicle that brings two people together, but it needs the assistance of money, good plans and wise decisions to get it going. Honestly, you are not equipped in these other areas for the journey you are so desperate to embark on. True, your love for your girlfriend comes from the heart but your desire to spend the rest of your lives together must be backed by viable plans that will make both of you truly independent of your parents. This is what her father is trying so hard to prevent. The fact he gave you audience should, despite the very short notice, demonstrate his willingness to encourage the relationship. But he is not about to let both of you commit the unpardonable mistake so many young couples make; that of not planning their lives before walking the aisles. As a married man and pastor, he has more experiences to last him a lifetime. He doesn’t want you making the error of bad judgment of what the marriage institution is all about. He is deliberately putting these obstacles on your way to ascertain your feelings for each other and to give you time to be prepared for the challenges ahead. Unless, your parents are super rich, you must also consider the issue of getting a job. There are no assurances that you will get employment immediately after your programme. You still need to look for work. Even if your parents are rich, a reasonable man, who knows what he wants from life and desires to protect his wife and children from the politics as well as interferences from his family; will not rush into marriage immediately after school like you are thinking of doing. Your marriage might not survive the first years if you are not clear on how to take effective charge of your home as a man. To do this, you must be able to play your role as husband, father and friend to your wife and children. If both of you are meant to be, three years will not make any difference; rather the years will only enforce your feelings for each other. You can afford to rush into a relationship but not marriage since it is a lifetime contract. The complications of a rushed decision to marry are always too severe to contemplate. Had you gone to him as an accomplished young man; one who has a job, he won’t be insisting she finished with her education first. He is doing this to ensure your girlfriend has some measure of security in life. You may not appreciate him now but in later years, when the wrinkle of managing your own family becomes etched on your face, you will come to appreciate the tact and wisdom of your father-in-law to be. If nothing, you have been able to achieve one thing; getting to meet with them and establishing your love for their daughter. That should do for now. Rather than wonder at his attitude, surprise him with your initiative and ability to sustain a home. By the time you present him with the physical evidences of your report card as a man with vision; not one with just passion he would agree. Good luck.

Was I wrong to have made peace with my mother?

Dear Agatha, I am at a cross road. I lost my father about a decade ago. My siblings and I were shared amongst my father’s sibling for proper care. I was fortunate to be taken to an uncle who took good care of me. Besides, God also blessed me with intelligence which, made me excel and graduate from the university at an early age despite the three years I lost due to the death of my father. To cut the long story short, my uncles hate my mother and all tried everything to turn the children against her. Things became worse when she had to leave the family’s house to live with another man she had other children for. My uncles never failed to remind me at every point how much they spent on me and who my mother was, I graduated and got a well paying job. Unfortunately, the stories I was told over the years about my mother have made me to hate her with passion; the reason I didn’t invite her for my wedding. Strangely, my guardians were happy that I wasn’t in good terms with my mother. They now hate me as I have decided to make up with my mother and doing what they think is unthinkable by taking my mother to them to ask for their forgiveness if she has offended them in anyway. Did I do wrong making up with my mother? Worried Daughter. Dear Worried Daughter, You aren’t wrong to have made up with your mother. Apart from being the only parent you have left in the world, she remains the only mother you can ever have. No matter how much your uncles care for you, they can never replace your mother’s position in your life. Besides, what did your mother do to warrant the kind of hatred they have against her? Do they have any evidence that she killed their brother? If they do, why didn’t they hand her over to the Police instead of poisoning the minds of her children against her? Whatever your mother may have done is all in the past. I am sure if they have the evidences that she had a hand in the death of their brother, they wouldn’t have allowed her to stay in the family house before she left to remarry. Whatever their reasons maybe, they were wrong to have tried to disassociate you from your mother. She is your mother irrespective of what they think of her conduct or attitude. They didn’t do well by asking you to ignore her existence to the extent of excluding her from your wedding ceremony. If she were that bad, I am not sure she would have remained in the family after the death of your father. If she left of her own accord, it means whatever they had against her wasn’t so fundamental. There is no way they would have allowed her stay a minute more than necessarily if in truth, she had anything to do with the death of your father. Although, you didn’t give her age but not every person is gifted with the power of resilience. She had to remarry because she couldn’t cope with loneliness. If your uncles were expecting her life to end with the death of their brother, they thought wrongly. A woman has as much right to go on with her life after the death of her husband as a man. Since nobody appears willing to tell you exactly what she did, it might have been a case of one of your uncles aspiring to inherit your mother after the death her husband. That she is your mother and wife to their late brother doesn’t make her lacking in human or emotional feelings. Don’t neglect the fact that before she became wife and mother, she had a life. And as adult there are limits to what she can be forced to do. If as a child you noticed the hostility towards her, then the place must have been very uncomfortable for her. Expecting her to stay on would have led to her early death. Given the situation she found herself, the choice to leave was the best at the time. You have done right by making up with your mother because one day, you will also become a mother. Even if you think her guilty of any offence, it isn’t your place to judge her. That is between her and her creator. As a child to a mother, learn to love her and give her all the respect she deserves as a mother. One day when you are older and more experienced in the way of men and women then you will appreciate that it isn’t everything in marriage that glitters; there are many instances in marriage when the people involved wished for some form of freedom to be happy. You are married and no longer under their control. Bring your mother near but go on with your peace moves. Hear whatever your mother has to say on the frosty relationship between her and your father’s family. Remember there is usually no smoke without fire. You can never know how deep her pains are until you ask. It couldn’t have been easy enduring the pains of not seeing her children, of being shut out of their lives. Do the right thing by trying to settle the disagreement by going to your uncles to plead with them to let go of something that has been so long. Resist anger in the process of trying to buy back peace but if at the end of the day, your uncles maintain their stance against your mother, go ahead and begin a relationship with your mother. Encourage your siblings to do same. Just think how you would feel as a mother some day if anybody influences your child to abandon you or exclude you from his or her wedding ceremony. She has paid for whatever sins your father’s family think she may have committed by not allowing her attend your wedding. Yes, they gave you education but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a mind of your own. If your mother didn’t give birth to you, they won’t have you. You can only be their niece, not their daughter. Even women, who abandoned their children at birth, still get pardoned by their children. No influence should make you abandon your mother. If for nothing else but for God’s command that mandates us to honour our father and mother so that our days on earth can be long. While they can afford to ignore her existence, you cannot afford such luxury because of the umbilical cord that binds every child to the mother. Perform your obligations to her to escape the wrath of God. This issue has long passed who is right to what is right. Besides, you weren’t in there with her so cannot tell what she endured or who is right. Good luck.

My widowed step mum brings home her sugar boy

Dear Agatha, I really need your advice on ways to handle this issue in my family. I am the first son of my late father who died in 2009. I have been away from home since 2007. I was in Nigeria for the burial and came back to my base to continue with my education. Thank God I am through and planning coming back to Nigeria soon to spend time with my family. My mother had me for my father while still in high school. He was already married then, and my mother being too young, there was no marriage plans between the two of them. I grew up with my maternal grandmother. When I got to high school, I had to look for my father. To be fair to my stepmother, she received and accorded me the respect as the first son. Even her children all gave me my place, including my elder sister, her first daughter. I love my stepmother as my mother. She destroyed all the negative myths I heard about stepmothers being wicked. Her open acceptance of me made nonsense of all I had been told that she won’t accept me being a boy, especially as she also has a son. Throughout my stay with her, never did she for once see me as a threat to her son. When my father died, she cried bitterly. Deep in me, I decided I would be her joy and take care of her. The issue now is: she is seeing a younger guy in my community and doing it openly. My siblings, especially my younger brother, have been really aggressive trying to put a stop to the relationship; almost fighting the young man. My elder sister’s husband and some family members have tried to talk to her about her bringing shame to the family as well as her decision to be bringing the boy to my father’s house. She fights and categorises anybody who kicks against the affair as an enemy. This has prompted everyone to hands off the matter. They have put the burden of talking to her on me, since everyone knows that she sees me as her first son and her favourite. We are very close; she listens to me. To be fair, she can get involved with whosoever, but bringing her lover to the family house isn’t right. Besides, my siblings are against the whole affair because the guy is too young for her. Since I have never met him, I cannot give an opinion on that. We have never had any misunderstanding before, but I am afraid this might cause trouble between us. Already, my uncles have slashed her monthly allowance, yet she continues to see the guy. This, in my opinion, means the relationship is more serious than many realise. Right now, they have all decided to wait for me to take action. If her own children, her siblings and uncles cannot stop her, how can I persuade her? She is in her 50s, and from what I gathered from my siblings, she practically takes care of this young guy. I guess that informed the decision to slash her monthly allowances. Agatha, please I need your advice on how to tackle this. Stepson. Dear Stepson, Force has never been known to work with anyone in love. Rather, the more you all condemn her choice of a man, the more determined to keep the relationship going she would be. For a woman her age, it isn’t just a matter of desiring the relationship anymore, but that of personal pride and anger at the attitude of everybody towards her person and choice. Because of this, even when she realises that she may have made one or two mistakes, she will soldier on to deny you all the pleasure of reminding her that you all told her so. If it is almost impossible to make a younger person change his or her mind about a decision to date a particular person, what makes any of you think you can change the mind of an adult who has long past the age of consent; has been married and enjoyed unrestricted sex life? How would you react to being told that the person you are dating now isn’t good enough for you? For that matter, how would your younger brother feel if your mother decides to fight the lady he is intending to marry? Emotions are funny. When they come calling, reasons take the back set. Sex, love and romance are ageless. When they happen, the feelings are universal. Even in the animal kingdom, the bonds of love defy reasoning and understanding. This young man is the person she considers good enough for her. None of you must forget that. Whether you like him or not, her choice should be respected. She is her own person and considers all the noise about her choice of a man by the family as not only embarrassing but humiliating to her integrity. Her determination to go ahead with her decision is enforced by deep-rooted anger at the death of her husband whose mortal absence exposed her to the situations going on around her. She is fighting back out of bitterness, anger and frustration. She cannot fight death that robbed her of a life partner, and exposed her vulnerability as a woman. At 50-plus, she is at that delicate age when most women need the presence and companionship of their men. Our true nature cannot be denied. She is fighting you all because you have all refused to listen to her, taking into considerations her own feelings. The fact that she is widowed doesn’t mean her life must come to an end, terminate with her late husband. None of you knows how she really feels. This is the difference you must make when talking to her. Invite her out for a frank son/mother talk. Use your knowledge of her, her best food, perfume, colours to lure her out of the walls of defence she has naturally built around herself. Use the pet name she calls you or the memories you have both shared to get her to trust you enough to tell you her side of the story. Don’t even show any trace of antagonism for her choice of a lover; rather begin by asking if she is happy as a woman. Let her know you are really concerned about her happiness and that you aren’t against the man she finds it with. This will naturally make her relax because, though she is fighting everybody, deep inside her, she needs a friend within the family. As her favourite, you stand the chance of making her look at the matter more comprehensively. What others cannot achieve by fighting her and her lover, you can achieve by being sensitive to her moods. Hear her out. As gently as possible, put across the reasons for the feelings of others. Let her understand too that those fighting her love her and want the best for her. Present their real fears about her relationship with the boy. Offer to meet the boy. You cannot fight someone or make judgements about a person you don’t know. Get to meet him first. Engage him in a discussion that will enable you journey into his mind; know what he thinks as well as his reason for wanting to stay in a relationship with a woman of that age. Meeting you will definitely knock some senses into his head; know that he is being watched and that his intentions are not hidden from the family. Your presence will intimidate him enough to make him reconsider certain things about the relationship. After meeting him, meet with other members of the family to explain their need to be more understanding as well as a change in their attitude towards your mother. Then demand for a compromise, a decision others too must respect if peace is to return to the family. Let your mother know that, for reasons of decency and propriety, she should get a place for her lover. That, bringing him to the family house isn’t right and in a way insults the memory of her late husband. Inform her about what some people are saying about her decision to bring her lover into her matrimonial home. To ensure your argument hits the bull eye, tell her that there are insinuations by some mischievous people that she lacks respect for the name and memory of her late husband. Assure her that you won’t allow anybody bother her if he is kept away from the family house. Tell your uncle, as a way of ending the crisis, to restore her allowances. It is her money, so she has the right to use it anyway she wants. Maturity and wisdom will go a long way in restoring peace to your family. Good luck.

He keeps comparing me to another woman

Dear Agatha, I very much love the man I have been dating for some months now. But his problem is that he isn’t contended with what he has as he is always comparing me with a girl I don’t even know. He keeps saying he wished I was as beautiful as this mystery lady. From snippets I put together through our conversations, he refused to submit to the pressures of his friends that he ask this particular girl out, because she was too close to him and like a sister to him. When I told my friends about this, they urged me to discontinue with the relationship which I did. I want to know if I did the right thing. When he came back from school, his attitude changed towards me. He didn’t even acknowledge my friends and I when we went to visit him. Worried Girlfriend. Dear Worried Girlfriend, Having contentment in one’s life and choices is what gives joy to anyone in life. Without it, your boyfriend can never be a happy person in life. This is because, rather than your boyfriend to concentrate energy discovering who you are, growing your relationship, he is busy wishing for something or someone else. As a result, he will never have the time to appreciate you, no matter how hard you try to please him or show him how much you love him. His lack of sensitivity alone to openly tell you he wished you were as beautiful as the other lady speaks volume of his regards for you. To continue to stay in a relationship with this kind of man; is to put yourself in a position of constant emotional pains and disappointment. He will eventually destroy your self-esteem as well as trust for any man that comes your way for a relationship. You really didn’t need your friends to tell you to quit the relationship; you should have done it on your own. No woman worth her self-respect would wait to be told to leave a man who doesn’t respect her feelings at all like this man keeps doing. He isn’t the only man on earth. Stop visiting him and move on with your life unless of course you enjoy being humiliated and toyed with. Furthermore, what kind of reception were you hoping for when you went to visit him? Did you think he would welcome you and your friends with open hands? He cannot be more explicit in the expression of his feelings towards you. He doesn’t like and want you at all. He has made it clear that his heart and soul are with the other girl and could be using you to make her jealous so as to notice him. Refuse to be so used especially as the boy hasn’t hidden his true feelings from you. It would be mere stupidity on your part to hope for anything better from this man in his present state of mind. Besides, where do you begin in your task to please this kind of man? How do you propose to attract his attention towards you and your inherent values as a woman when his mind is fixed on another woman? This is the kind of man who will after getting at your kernel; throw you out of his life without thinking about it twice. I appreciate you cannot choose who you fall in love with but you have the power to dictate how you want to be treated in the relationship. Yes, it would hurt you to let go of someone you have certain level of love for but in certain cases like this, it is for the best. Good luck.

I have loved her for six years but…

Dear Agatha, I have been in love with a girl for the past six years and haven’t been able to express my love to her due to fear, shyness as well as not wanting to suffer heartache in case she doesn’t want me in her life. Please tell me how to approach her or what to do. David. Dear David, Your problem is lack of confidence. Unfortunately, without it, there is nothing you can do successfully in life. You would be like a ship without a captain. Confidence is what gives character and definition to our aspirations in life. Life is like an ocean that gulps up anything that isn’t well defined or secured. You don’t need it simply because you want to have a relationship with a girl: no, you need it because life demands it of you. There will always be tough and challenging situations in your life when the amount of confidence you have in yourself will win the game for you. Don’t do it because you have a girl in mind; do it as a tool of self-development and actualization. Fear is one spirit you should never give accommodation to in your life as it has the ability to rob you of everything God has invested in you. It won’t allow you ever move beyond a point. Fear is like a restraining chain around your legs. Take for instance the issue of this girl you have wasted six years pining for. Consider what you could have done with those years you have invested in loving a woman you cannot even tell. If you were to value those years in terms of achievements, you will discover you have lost millions of Naira on wanting a woman you are afraid to approach. In terms of physical achievement, it is the time structure, a child spends in secondary school. Can you then imagine how destructive fear is and how it can rob one of precious dreams? What assurances do you have that someone else with confidence hasn’t told her already the things you want to tell her and is in her life now? Time and life do not wait for anyone. Life abhors vacuum; it will always find ways of filling whatever void is created. When a girl-child reaches a certain age, men will naturally ask for her hand in relationship. In a young woman’s life, six years are like a lifetime. If you remove six years from her reproductive life, what would she be left with? When a man wastes too much time dilly-dallying on whether to approach a woman for a relationship or not, he makes way for another man without inhibitions to win the battle of her heart. If your fear is that of rejection; six years are too long a time for you to get over your fears. Moreover, it is part of a woman’s physiology to reject a man for the first time. Even if she is madly in love with the man, the average girl is taught to price herself right by declining a man’s offer the first time. Therefore, if you are not ready to be rejected by a woman, suffer heartbreak, you are not ready for the serious things of life. This is because a woman’s heart is a very precious and priceless jewel which only the toughest of men win. As a man you must accept it as a vital part of your life. The best things in life are those things time and energy are invested into. For gold to emerge from stone, it has to go through a process of intense heat; just like the lump of clay has to endure difference processes; including heat to be beautiful and defined. I agree that you can be shy, but when it is lasting a lifetime, you need to do something fast about it. You must learn to conquer by going through various decrees of rejection by women to emerge a better and confident man. Life isn’t meant to be easy; it is a mix of pains and joys which demands the baby coming into the world to struggle to get out of the mother’s womb. It is either, you learn to be a man in the real sense of it or forever hide inside your shell by watching the world go by. You can be sure that for every woman that rejects you, there are two ready to accept you for what you are. Besides, women use the determined resilience of a man as barometer to judge his seriousness hence set impossible hurdles for men they really like. If you like this girl, the worst she can do is to turn you down. But it would be on record that you at least tried. There are no fast and hard rules about approaching a woman. A simple smile and hello can get both of you talking. If you don’t know what to say thereafter, tell her you are shy and would appreciate if she is your friend. Wooing a woman is all about taking one step at a time. If she finds something interesting in you, no matter the level of your shyness, she will engage in a meaningful discussion with you. And if she turns you down, at least be happy you were able to break the ice once and for all. That itself is something worth celebrating. Good luck.

Please help me stop this habit

Dear Agatha, I’m a 17 year old boy that who can’t stop reading or watching pornographic films and materials. No matter how I try to stop, I just can’t. Another problem of mine is that I don’t want to have a girlfriend but I always find myself asking girls out. I’m tired and confused. Please help me out. Concerned Boy. Dear Concerned Boy, It depends on the company you keep and the things you allow into your mind. First cut yourself off from the supply of the books and materials. If you get them from the internet; it might be a little difficult but once you have the determination to, you will succeed. It is also important you ask yourself the benefit you get from watching other people’s fantasies. What has this habit contributed to you positively? Is it something you are proud of and can broadcast to the public? Once you cannot openly tell the world this is what you do, then such a thing isn’t worth your time or attention. At 17, your life is too fragile to peg it on things that aren’t worth your while. There is the need for you to change your company if you want to beat the habit. At your age, sex holds so much fun and attraction which if allowed to fly, could really stop you from achieving success in other areas of your life. Since you have made up your mind to change, concentrate more on issues that are time consuming like your books and energy sapping activities like football. By the time you get home, your mind would be just on one thing, to sleep as your body would be too weak to sustain you. Also avoid being alone for too long to stop the temptation of going back to it. The Bible is one book that can really help you grow out of this habit. Befriend it and let it work wonders for you. Good luck.

What do I do with her?

Dear Agatha, Thank you for the way you help people solve their various problems. I’m a boy of 18 years of age. A year ago when I was in secondary school, I started dating this girl I loved so much. I told her the way I felt about her and we started dating but she never told me how she felt about me. I asked whether she loved me and she said that I should wait till after our final external examinations. So I let her be but she kept coming to me each time I am in the company of a particular girl I have no intention to date. When I asked what she wanted she said she just wanted to know if I was still interested in dating her to which I replied in the affirmative. After our Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations (SSCE), when I went to ask to ask her again what about her feelings towards me, she still didn’t give me any clear answer. At that point, I told her I could no longer continue to wait for her but that we can remain friends, an offer she accepted. But I made a promise to stay away from any relationship with a woman until I was sure that I wanted to get married. After our graduation, we lost contact; I also lost my father that year. Somehow she got to know about it and called to sympathize with me and has been calling me occasionally, to know how am faring. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of her calls; whether to ensure I don’t forget her or not. Unfortunately, I have since moved on with my life of which she isn’t part of it anymore. I want to pursue my Canadian SAT Exams with all seriousness. When I made my intentions known to her, it wasn’t with the intent to engage in premarital sex but to have her in my life. I loved her with everything in me. I need your help. Chibueze. Dear Chibueze, Ordinarily, after going through your mail, I should tell you to forget this girl and concentrate on your studies. But something about you demands I give this letter more than a passing attention. Your depth of reasoning gives you a maturity far beyond your age; one, men older than you don’t have. Sincerely, for a young man of 18, you appear very focused and clear on your future. This is rare and commendable. Most young men these days that approach girls for a relationship have one thing in mind; to have sex with the girls. Therefore, most young girls not ready to go the whole way have learnt to keep their distance from men generally. This is because they don’t want any complications whatsoever in their lives. From her attitude and body language, this girl likes you but isn’t exactly sure what you want from her hence her hesitations. Sometimes, it isn’t just enough to tell a girl you like her; the man must be definite about what he wants from her. This is necessary for girls who too are determined to make it in life. She is fearful that going into a relationship with you might either contaminate or spoil the dream she and her parents have for her. Maturity demands that in situation like this, you first woo her to talk about herself, dreams, vision and mission. She needs assurances that she will always be safe with you. She has refused to give you the clear cut answer you need because you appear unwilling to make the kind of reassuring commitments she needs. She was afraid to say anything because she was torn between her dreams and her body chemistry. She didn’t want to betray either of them. She naively thought keeping quiet would give you the signal of her true feelings for you even though she was trying so hard not to say it. Had you been more experienced and knowledgeable about the ways of women, you would have decoded her true feelings from her attitude. Besides, true love doesn’t die; it could become dormant but it never vanishes like you are making it out to be. If you say you are determined to keep it under the lid forever, I will understand but to say you no longer feel anything for her on account of her refusal to give you a definite answer, cannot be right. The fact that you are sufficiently bothered enough to send this mail itself is enough evidence that you are not as indifferent to her as you want to believe. Deep inside, you still have feelings for her just that you are still angry by what you perceive to be her rejection of you to give your feelings detailed thoughts. There are certain things in life that are too powerful to fight. Trust me, true love is one of them. You can deny its existence all you like but, if it is the real thing, you cannot fight it. No matter how busy you get or crowded your mind is, with things you deliberately put there to make you forget it, true love will always find a way. It is useless trying to fight what you cannot win. Besides, you will always wonder in later years, when you are older and more deep in the ways of women, if you did the right thing by not taking that vital step in this situation. What appears right to you now might be a mistake you will forever regret. By making the appointment to see her and talk things over with her, you would be putting the past in its proper perspective; ensuring that you don’t spend the rest of your life brooding over a mistake that might be too late to retrieve. In seeings her again, perish the hurt of the past by liberating your mind to really hear her out. Don’t give her an attitude at all. Come to her as a friend; who really likes her and is determined to hear her out. By thanking her for her concern, talk about your father; the reason she came back into your life before talking about your plans for the future. End it by going back to the reason you wanted to see her again; your love for her when you were in school. This time, be explicit on what you felt for her and what you hoped to achieve with her. Putting your feelings for her then in the past tense is to give you an escape route just in case she doesn’t want you back to you. It is only after this discussion that you can effectively conclude on this relationship; gain the complete liberty to move on without any form of regrets in the future. Good luck.

He wants her at all cost

Dear Agatha, There is this cousin to my neighbour who is asking my sister out. My sister is in a serious relationship and didn’t hide this fact from this man. Despite this, he insists on dating her. He says he does not care and that he won’t give up on his desire to date her. He offers my sister gifts which I always tell her to refuse to avoid problems in future especially with her boyfriend. Recently, her phone went bad and he’s offering to buy her a new one. He is also offering to help her get an international passport. Will it be right for her to accept gifts from him? Loveth. Dear Loveth, You are right to be wary of her receiving gifts from this man. There is no point toying with the food she isn’t ready to eat. To do that would be to court trouble and bring pains to herself eventually. Besides, one of the cardinal rules in life is contentment. Anybody who isn’t satisfied with what he or she has, risks losing everything at the end of the day. She has to learn from this early in her relationship and life to be comfortable with whatever she has. For a woman; this is really important as her man, no matter how rich can never give her everything in life. There will always be something a man, no matter how affluent, will not be able to give to his woman. It could be having the time to be with her. For any relationship to succeed, every woman must be faithful to her heart and choice. She must learn to have faith in her man. For her to be so serious with her current boyfriend; it means he has something to offer her as well as the fact that they have found joy and peace in each other’s company. If she is wise, she must do everything to protect this relationship and not fall prey to the temptation that this man offers. The sad thing about all this, is the possibility of her never finding a man to be serious with her if through her capitulations to this new man’s pressures, she loses her boyfriend. Good and responsible men are hard to find these days. In addition, money isn’t everything. A man may have money but could be lacking in those essentials a woman needs in her relationship to be happy. That man trying by all means to buy her love with presents is convinced beyond reasonable doubts that every woman has her price. He is determined to have her to prove that point. Chances of him giving her the kind of respect she wants from a man are very slim. He would always wonder at her honesty and loyalty especially around men who are more prosperous than he is. He would always hold on to this opinion of her that, since he could buy her off a serious relationship with gifts, all another interested man has to do for her to fall for him, is to flash her with money. I am sure this isn’t the kind of reputation she wants for herself. Let her know that the best gift she can give herself is respect. No matter how difficult things her with current boyfriend, she should learn to endure. She isn’t a cattle that goes to the highest bidder; she is a woman who is in love and true love is priceless. If this man has any respect for her, he won’t be trying so hard to make her break her relationship with the other man. A reasonable man would have backed off once knowing of her existing relationship. The fact of the matter is this; the moment she capitulates to this man’s pressures, if another woman comes his way, he would dump her like a sucked orange and go for the other woman because deep down, he has won the bet he entered into with himself. Let her know, this guy is on an ego trip to use whatever means to win the battle of her heart. Besides, once she begins to accept his gifts, she would be under the obligations to do whatever he demands of her. There is no way she can insist on anything. The best thing is not to commit herself to him by refusing anything from him. This way she would earn his respect the more. I am sure if this man didn’t come her way; she would have found a way around her phone problem by repairing it. As her elder sister, remove her from temptation way by asking her to relocate for the time being. She really must resist the temptation to remain happy. Encourage her to pray because for some women; this is the point they get it all wrong in life. Just one small mistake can change the course of things for her. Also, how will she explain the gifts to her boyfriend? What message signals will she be communicating to both the new man and her boyfriend by accepting these gifts? Even if there is nothing between them at the end of the day, she would have done a significant damage to her relationship by accepting those gifts because her boyfriend will never completely trust her again. Even if she is tired of her relationship, there are better ways of ending a relationship without compromising her reputation. Good luck.

He is too jealous

Dear Agatha, I am in severe emotional pains. This is because the man I am currently in relationship with is very jealous to the extent I cannot talk to any man except him. Although he promised to marry me but we are always quarreling, as a matter of fact, every second. I don’t know what to do; either to end it or continue with the relationship. Please help me. Joy. Dear Joy, Of what use is a relationship where the couple quarrels every second of the day? When do you both have time to blend, discover your values and importance to each other if all you do is disagree because one of you is too jealous to be reasonable? Trust is an essential part of a relationship. Without this, there is no way both of you can function as a couple. You both must find that equilibrium in your emotions to exist as one entity. He has to scale down on his jealousies while you have to be more transparent in your dealings with him to erase every doubt he may have in his mind concerning your loyalty to him. First you have to take the time to find out why he is this way. You must understand the premise he is coming from else you will never comprehend how deep his insecurities are. It is either he had a very terrible experience in the past or that he is generally an in-secured man. Sit him down to ask for explanations on why he thinks you are dating every man you talk to. While jealousy is natural to mankind; the kind you describe is not normal. If you cannot talk to any man at all, how does he expect you to work or do business? How will you ever get by and cope with such a man? From experience, this isn’t something you should treat with levity or go into at all. The truth of the matter is, overtime, such men become violent and very unpredictable. To marry such a man is to sign your death warrant as he could kill in a flash of jealousy. There is no taming a man prone to jealousy. Not only are such men violent but are always depressed; two emotions dangerous for peace and harmony in any relationship. Knowing what his problems are is only part of the solution; your major challenge would be getting him to beat the habit. Frankly, this kind of habit cannot be trashed so easily or within a day. It takes certain kind of patience, sacrifice, tolerance and stubborn determination. There are times he would become wild, unmanageable and very unreasonable. Will you be able to cope with knowing your man is like a gun powder that can go off anytime? This isn’t time to be sentimental but for you to face reality by refusing to lead yourself into a situation that will make you very miserable at the end of the day. Sometimes, it is best to remain single and be happy than to be married and be miserable. The choice is really yours to make at the end of the day. Good luck.

How can I be a good husband?

Dear Agatha, How can I be a good husband? Eme Dear Eme, So many factors come into play in every marriage. Some are general to all marriages while others are peculiar to the individuals involved. Therefore to be a good husband, you must take time out to know everything there is to know about your wife. Get to read her like a book, making efforts to know precisely what God’s story line for her life is. This is absolutely important for proper integration of your person into hers. This is the foundation of being happy and having a peaceful marriage. Knowing God’s purpose for her will determine how far you can push her or what to expect from her at any given time. Besides it will assist you in knowing when she does something deliberately and when it is in line with her nature. Like men, there are no two kinds of women. Every person is different; this is the mystery of God hence each person’s reaction to an issue will always be dissimilar. By learning to appreciate her dissimilarity to everything you have been used to, including all the women that have graced your life, you open yourself to learning new things about her and from her ways. It is like watching a child grow. Every stage of a growing child is laced and patterned with different hues of colours which brings new excitement to the parents. As a good husband, you should be able to notice when she is making the extra effort to please you or change for your sake. Most often, problems arise when a woman thinks her husband isn’t paying her the kind of attention she deserves. A woman likes to be complimented on her looks, new hairstyles, cooking and housekeeping. She practically comes into bud when complimented by the man who has her heart. Without much efforts from you, she will go the extra mile to make sure he is happy and contented with everything at home. But she gets very hurt, edging and troublesome when she is ignored or not appreciated. No woman wants to hurt or misbehave to a man who cares so much for her. Therefore, learn to be caring, attentive and appreciative of whatever efforts she puts into the marriage. Even when you think she isn’t doing enough, first show appreciation for the little she is doing before voicing whatever complains you have. This way, she will listen better than you just complaining about her efforts. That you are the man of the house doesn’t mean you should be lacking in respect for her person or values. At all times, learn to be respectful of her position as your deputy. Without her, there would be no home or family. Therefore, protect her position by limiting your anger as well as displeasure with the way she is doing certain things to the bedroom. Not even your children should witness your quarrels because they were not there when both of you met or made the decision to spend your lives together. When a man exposes his wife to the mockery of others, by fighting or beating her in the presence of others, he is unwittingly destroying his home. Don’t ever make the mistake of beating her. The tongue of a woman is very sharp and indiscriminate. When let loose, it can cause great damage. Learn to develop the strength and will to resist her anger. Because a woman talks before she thinks. If you know you cannot withstand the pains of her tongue, when she gets angry, walk away or leave the room for her. Not many men have the capacity to tolerate the kind of words that come out of a woman’s mouth when angry. By electing to walk away from the scene, you are giving your marriage the chance to survive against all odds and buying respect for yourself and family. The truth is that nobody hears or is a witness to the caustic and provocative tongues of the woman but everybody does when the man reacts by beating her. At the end of the day, the man gets the label of being violent and irresponsible. Be wise and avoid what will make others gather in your house to settle any marital rift. That you are avoiding confrontation doesn’t mean you are weak, it just shows that you are man enough to manage your internal problems judiciously. It also indicates your ability to compartmentalise your life, giving each subject its place. The man who takes pride in using muscles to settle marital problems is seen as weak and unbalanced. It infects every aspect of his life because, when sourcing for qualified hands to handle sensitive positions, domestic violence could stand in his way of progress. Men who command the absolute respect of their wives are those who have mastered the act of controlling their tempers. The fact that you don’t even raise your voice when arguing with your wife is enough to keep the woman in check and very respectful of you. As a husband, learn to show understanding always. Like you, she has her moments and moods; particularly as a woman. There are particular times of the month when hormonal imbalances influence a woman to behave out of tune. This is when she needs you to bear with her, understand her and offer whatever help you can no matter how minute. Because often than not, women don’t even understand these changes themselves, it is essential her husband makes the effort to help her by observing the particular time of the month when she becomes edgy. Although some men think it is unnecessary and something that has little to do with them; the truth is they are very wrong. When the woman of the house is happy, she affects everybody at home just as her bad moods. By going that extra mile to make it your business, you would be protecting your marriage from having too many contentious issues to resolve. With just a measure of little attention and action by both parties some of the challenges that later become home-breakers, can be averted. You also have to imbibe the habit of confiding and talking to her. Remember as your partner for life, she has a greater stake in your affairs. Engage her in all discussions because when the chips are down, she will be the only one standing by you. By talking to her, she becomes your best friend and confidant in addition to being your partner. As a friend, you are most likely to forgive her anything because this is what friends are for. In the bedroom, make sure you aren’t selfish. Good marriages take two to manage. Allow her the lead sometimes by encouraging her to experiment with ideas of her own. And when you take the lead, make sure you place her satisfaction too on the front burner. Always ask if she is okay with whatever you are doing as a husband. To keep the romance burning, take her out occasionally, buy her gifts, send her romantic messages just as if you were both still dating. Also, by developing a keen sense of joke, you make things that ordinarily should be difficult easy to do. And as a father, always make out time for the children. Get to know their friends, what they are doing in school by attending some of their ceremonies. Create a family time for you all to talk and grow as a team. And as the head of the home, ensure you show the right example by your involvement in the things of God. There must be a family time to pray and fellowship with God daily because He remains the head of every home. Besides, He is the only one you should allow into your marriage. Keep third parties out of your marriage at all times for peace to reign. In addition always insist on settling every disagreement so it doesn’t build up to a level you both lose yourselves in the problems. Good luck.

Why do women like men who tell lies?

Dear Agatha, I am an Engineer working with a construction company. I am 33 years old and desire to settle down but I have issues with finding the right girl. I am disciplined, responsible and focus. Please I would like to ask you two questions. Firstly, why do most women like men who lie or claim what they are not? Secondly, why is it that when a man tells a girl he loves her, she ends up taking him for granted like in my case? My friends too are having the same problems in their relationships. Please Agatha how do I get a girl who will reciprocate my love for her and love me for who I am? At my age, I do not want to do what I did in the University. I want an everlasting marriage and do not want to have children outside marriage. I believe lying to a girl is laying a wrong foundation. Sidney. Dear Sidney, It is a very wrong assumption to make. It is really the other way round. Men think lying to women would give them the edge over their rivals for the woman’s heart and hand. The truth is, whether a man lies or not about his affluence, only a woman interested in him will at the end of the day fall in love with him. So a man really sure of himself and dreams doesn’t have to lie to attract and retain the woman after his heart. If your assumption were true, poor men won’t have women to call their own. That men without deep pockets are getting pretty and wonderful women as wives shows that women too are not looking for playboys or showy men for husbands. Deep down in the heart of most women is that desire to marry for love and peace in their marriages; not necessarily for money. If some women like being lied to, it is only because the men are ready to be played for fools and that such women too don’t have plans for themselves. When a man comes across such a woman, the best thing is to move as fast as his legs can carry him because it shows the woman is sightless and would be a burdento the man. A woman sure of herself will not place her success in the hands of anybody. This attitude isn’t limited to women; there are some men who also like being lied to. Therefore, it isn’t a function of the gender but that of attitude of the individual. Furthermore, it also depends on the kind of women you are meeting and the decisive factors you are placing on the front burner. If you are in the habit of looking at the physical beauty of a woman than her inner beauty, chances are you will keep experiencing the attitudes of women who place vanity above value. Granted that every woman has traces of vanity, but the truth is, most men actually encourage women to be very vain and materialistic. Since winning the heart of a woman is an ego thing, most men think lying about themselves and status give them the edge over their competitors. They give the woman they want all the impression in the world that he controls the nation. I am sure if you pay detailed attention to the qualities of the woman you are interested in; not caring so much about her appearance, you will end up with a woman you can talk to and plan around. It is a matter of you too knowing what you really want from life and marriage. Are you the kind of man who wants a showcase wife, the kind you put on display, you want to flaunt; one who is all beautiful but is lacking in character and substance? Or do you want the kind of woman who has the character and substance to compliment your nature? Just like we have all manner of products in the market, so are different kinds of women out there. Men and women suffer disappointments because often time, they go for choices that do not compliment their natures at all. It is a matter of you looking for the woman that has the intellect and wisdom to manage your person. Therefore in your search make certain things absolute clear to yourself; those things you want in a woman. As long as you don’t compromise, are sure of what you want from a woman you are meeting for the first time, you will eventually find the right woman who will accept you for what and who you are. In this whole game, honesty is the watch word. It takes an honest man to find a sincere woman. It is also pertinent you realize that no relationship is perfect. Be prepared at all time to bend backwards to accommodate the shortcomings of your partner as well. We all come with manufacturer’s defects. Once you appreciate that you are as imperfect as the woman you are interested in, you place your relationship on a platform of better survival from the begining. Once two people are in love, it is natural for both of them to take each other for granted. I think the question you want to ask is why do women leave things to chance once they are in love? It is a simple matter of being secured in the love of her man. Frankly, it is normal to the nature of man to get careless and take things for granted once he or she is secured. There is usually this feeling of confidence that comes from knowing a man really cares. It gives the woman so much confidence and authority to know that her zone is protected. Yes, the woman can get corrupted by that confidence to misbehave but in such situation, the man should lovely call her to order by pointing her at the mistakes she is making. A couple must be able at all time discuss every issue that comes up in their relationship. This way, they grow the confidence and trust to paddle the canoe of their relationship without fear of it capsizing along the road. A man doesn’t have to be violent to set the limits in the relationship. With love and respect for his woman, a man can effectively draw the line in his relationship. What most men don’t know is the fact that everywoman needs a man she can respect in her life- one who is in charge without any display of force. If you notice your girlfriend is taking you for granted, let her know how you feel about her attitude immediately. It will help her make the necessary adjustment. Always strive for complete honesty in whatever you do. From the very beginning, don’t give the woman you meet any false hope. Let her know who you are. If you have a temper, don’t hide it or pretend to like something you definitely cannot cope with in the long term. A serious minded woman wants a man who is interested in her own development. Rather than impress her by taking her to social and ostentatious places be moderate in your tastes even if you have the money to splash on her. Get to first know everything about her; her growing up years, family history, likes and dislikes as well as her dreams for the future. Your ideal woman is the one that is ready to accept you for who and what you are. Don’t ever lie to any woman: it isn’t worth it. Good luck. Lonely Heart Dear Agatha, I am a student of University of Uyo. I will love to be linked with a nice lady who is ready to love me for who I am for a serious relationship. An interested lady can reach me on; 08169603636 or my email; velijo@ymail.com. Joe.

My husband keeps cheating on me

Dear Agatha, My husband has been having an affair right from our wedding. We have been married six years now. He has been having incessant and indiscriminate affairs every now and then. He has never been without a girlfriend. Please I need your help and I want to make you my friend because I am getting frustrated and almost going nuts. I have tried all the moves you described in the article; helped by my pastors’ counseling but I often get discouraged because every time I show love to him, he won’t even reply or retaliate. He still keeps late nights despite my efforts. Although he provides the necessities for the children and I, but this new girl he is now seeing really takes his time and energy. He is now into alcoholism but not to the drunken state. Help me ma. I’m tired of relaying my story to people and my pastor as I don’t want to bother him anymore. I’m just 28 years of age and even if I say so myself, still beautiful. You can check me out on the Facebook. May God help you as you start to help me! Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Any woman who tells you her marriage is completely free of challenges is lying. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage; what exist is a perfect determination by couples to weather the storm of two people, from different backgrounds, families, attitudes and thoughts coming together to make a home. Sincerely, the first seven years are the most difficult ones. This is so because this period is one of adjustment and embracing the reality. It is a period of transition from the make believe world of romantic fantasies to the actuality of discovering the real person behind the face of love and romance of one’s partner. I am sure, you weren’t exactly in the dark concerning your husband’s love for women but pretended not to notice because of so many things you might have put into consideration; things you thought you could cope with and change overtime. One thing the early period of our marital life brings to the fore is the practicality of our decisions. Whether you like it or not, you are as much to blame for this situation as well as your husband. The reason is simple; you made the choice to marry him despite the flaws you noticed in his behaviour. So this is the time to apply wisdom instead of sentiments for peace to reign in your home. There are certain things in marriage that cannot be changed overtime. Your kind of problem is the kind that requires absolute patience, mindless endurance and persistent prayers to defeat. This is because the marriage institution, like life itself, is sectioned into different seasons. There is always the time to sow and to reap; time to be sad and time to be happy. There is no marriage without its package of pains, choices and disappointments. The difference is that our problems are not all the same. However, the challenge of infidelity you are presently going through in your marriage is common to more than 80 percent of married women. Men are the same all over the world. The lure for the feminine flesh is simply too strong for most men to ignore. Only the grace of God makes one marriage more endurable than the other. Therefore, wise and realistic women have learnt over the years to ignore this aspect of their men. For some women, as long as the man is providing for the family, he can do whatever he wants with his time and the balance of his money. One thing you should get clear is that extra marital affair in marriage is one of the least challenges a woman faces in her marriage. If you end your marriage on account of your husband keeping other women, you will end up being the loser in the sense that it is a common malady with every man except very few. Therefore the issue of your being beautiful should not even come into play. Once you give bite to this line of thought, you are also preparing yourself to destroy another woman’s home and relationship. Many of those women who are today destroying your homes one time or the other, reasoned like you are doing now. The world is a circle of paradox. If you decide to end your marriage; if the undertone of your mail is anything to go by, you too would be a danger to the relationships of other women. Rather, you must learn to cope with this man God has given to you as a husband because you both swore to be together through all the seasons of life. Those who conceived the marriage creed did out of experience. They knew that marriage is a journey of the good, the bad and ugly. The unfortunate thing is that couples, especially women recite this without paying much attention to the words. If you did, you would have been prepared psychologically for the situation you are battling with in marriage. The only way to protect your marriage is to develop the right shocks to ignore his other women. Stop nagging him. To do that is to further give him a reason to fall into the arms of another waiting woman. If you have been doing this, stop it immediately. Instead develop the will to be pleasant to him. I appreciate this is very difficult given all that you are passing through but you really don’t have any choice in this matter but to be nice to him. It is the only way you can win him over. The fact that he is also romancing the bottle is a strong indication that you are making life a little bit of hell for him in the house. You don’t stupidly jump into a raging fire without trying first to put it out before saving life. Anything you say now would be like pouring petrol into a fire. He is too far gone to listen to whatever you say. He would think you are trying to criticize him so adopt the very quiet approach to this matter. First, you must find that thing that is always driving him outside to these other women. Although some men appear not to have a reason to cheat on their wives, the truth is there is always a reason for everything. Years of doing this job has taught me one thing; that major marital challenges begin with very minor issues. It could just be your person as a whole; some men who cheat don’t have any reason beyond the fact that their wives have intimidating personalities. You might just be in this category; this is after you have eliminated every other obvious reason he might have for going out. One thing you must never take for granted is the value of your man. First and foremost, he is the head of the home and as such deserves every respect you have to offer. If God intended for both men and women to share the leadership in marriage, he wouldn’t have given the headship to the man so no matter what, learn to respect your man. This has to do with the ego of the average man. Every man is always looking for a woman to massage his ego. When he comes back, don’t remind him of the other women. Give him what he wants from you. Pretend he is just coming from a friend’s place. The truth is, the sex you refuse him, he is getting in different dimensions and variations from other women so he might not really miss yours so if you deny him of it, you are only giving him a valid reason to go outside. Therefore, learn to relax, enjoy being with him. Let him know through your disposition and appreciation of him; that you are more than capable of giving him everything he needs in a woman. The fact that you are fighting for your husband’s affection should ignite your passion to make the difference in his life. You are wise to stop telling people about your challenge. You are the one in the best position to decide on what you want your life to be. The fact that he still remembers to give you money for your upkeep and those of the children means he is responsible despite his social habits. You are still lucky than most women whose husbands don’t care how they or the children feed or go to school. Be grateful for this mercy by going more on your knees to get your husband to change. Just believe that God is using this to teach and impact a lesson that will be useful to others in later years. Good luck.

He is despondent

Dear Agatha, I met this man I am dating some few months ago. We live in different towns. He is in Uyo while I am in Calabar. I met him when I was in Uyo. He is so wonderful and amazing. We are very compatible and perfect for each other. I love him very much. Two months ago, he relocated from Uyo to Calabar because his business wasn’t doing too well in that town. He is into telecommunications business. He felt he needed a change of environment. He is a very lively and playful person. We play a lot even when we talk on phone but recently I noticed he has become withdrawn, cold and reserved. He opened up to me that things were rough with his business and that his life was as a result at a standstill. The more I try to encourage him, the more despondent he becomes. This has affected our relationship especially in the area of communication. When I pointed this out to him, he pleaded with me to be patient and to understand his situation. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me so much. I feel bad that I can’t fix his problem. I feel so useless to him. He ignored my calls sometime last week but later sent me a text that he wasn’t happy to talk. Please help me since I don’t know what to do. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, The worst kind of man to be with; is the one going through some financial crisis. In this state, he is like a wounded lion because this kind of situation touches on his ego as man. Under this kind of state, don’t expect him to be loving or romantic. As a matter of fact, anything you say may ignite his temper so walk wisely around him like a tender egg. When a man finds himself unable to provide for himself let alone meet up with the expectations of those closest to his heart, he becomes moody, sometimes violent and if care isn’t taken by the woman in his life to gently coach him back into the realities of life, he could take up some social vices, like drinking. Even if he isn’t saying it, he needs you now more than ever before. One of the things that come with love is diligence. You have to learn to ensure this situation without complains or regrets. It is the only way you can bring him from the all time low he has fallen into. If you too begin to feel regrets about your not having money to help him come back on his feet, how are you going to talk him out of this mood? How are you going to make him have a reason to fight on? One thing both of you; especially you, must realize are the different seasons in life and the kind of destinies we each carries into the world with. While some people are meant to go through their challenges early in life, some go through it in the afternoon season of their lives while others have the twilight experience. Life wasn’t meant by God to be smooth sailing. No matter how successful an individual appears to be, there is always one or two challenges he or she is facing secretly. It is the grace of God that makes the difference in life. Besides, every success must have a tale of struggle, sacrifices, endurance, vision and determination. Without these, true success cannot be accomplished. Rather than allow the situation to overwhelm him, encourage your boyfriend to go back to the drawing board as every area has its inherent blessings. What works in one area may not succeed in another environment. Surely there are business options that are working very well in Calabar. It is finding out what they are and how he can influence or inculcate his telecommunication background into the existing business climate in the town. It might just be a simple case of introducing something different into his business line. Besides, there is no community that isn’t thirsting for telecommunication business. It is a viable business that can take him places provided it is in line with what God wants for him. You also must make him understand that it takes a while to make the kind of impact he wants in a new environment. Nobody likes doing business with someone who isn’t known; this is why even multi-national companies spend a lot of money on public relations and advertisements. He has to first earn the trust of the different publics he intends to deal with before he can talk of success. By this, he has to rebrand and introduce a kind of incentive to make him more attractive than his existing rivals. For now, he cannot afford to sell at the same price those he met there, sell. Tell him to drop his price a little bit and to tempt people with a kind of gift. This works excellently well because we are wired by God to go all emotional when someone shows appreciation to us through gifts. The offer of a gift will make some individuals give him a listening ear they would never have done. Call it bribe, but it falls under public relations. Every business needs the support of the people to grow. This is the time for you as his woman to put on your thinking cap. How can you help him improve on his business ideas? Again, you must also consider his passion for it. This is because passion makes the difference between failure and success. Deep down, is he in the right kind? Do you think he could have done better in another kind of venture? From experience, God usually use these kinds of situations to urge us to consider something else. Why not help him pray for the right direction? He may not be in the right kind of business God designed for him. While God has used the sales of something as mundane as pure water to bless some people, others, not designed to go into that kind of business whowent into it without asking God first, ended up in huge debts. Life is about aligning with the will of God and not necessarily the capital for the business. But until he comes to that realization, you must dream of something to remove his mind from his immediate worry. To do this perfectly, you have first to steel yourself against his mood swings. If he refuses to answer your calls, don’t worry. Send him a text message of encouragement instead. If he appears irritated at nothing in particular, quietly sit at a corner when you come to visit him, to read a book. Go with books you know would encourage him to beat his habits. You may not succeed in getting him in his present mood to read but leaving the books in strategic places will attract him to read eventually. Also dream of exciting places to take him to so he can relax and leave the prison of worries and disappointments he has sentenced himself to. Being new in the area, he may not have friends to help him through this difficult phase in his life. Having been in that town for a while, you might know one or two persons who are progressive in their thoughts to include in your outing plan to help him through all these. We all need people who can influence us positively. You cannot do this on your own without external help; sometimes, from men who have gone through similar situations. And if you ever love him, this is the time for you to show him how much. There is no battle extreme patience hasn’t won. Patience breeds respect, tolerance and endurance. You will need all these qualities to make this relationship survive this trying time. Rest assured that only the toughest survives a raging storm. More than ever before; you need to remain calm and trusting in the Lord, to get him out of this state. Good luck.

She is into multiple relationships

Dear Agatha, For all your support to troubled souls, I want to appreciate you. I am in love with this girl who unfortunately has been cheating on me. Though she initially denied having anything to do with any other man, she later agreed that she has been sleeping around. We have been dating for a year and six months; since then she has slept with three separate guys that I know within this period. She promised to stop cheating on me but, to my greatest surprise, she confessed after so much pressures from me that she has been sleeping with one tailor close to her house since March this year. I am a 500 level medical student while she is an ND 1 student of a polytechnic. I even promised to marry her but I am confused. My question now is, is it right for me to marry a lady I cannot trust? To be fair to her, she told me from the beginning that she has trouble dating one man; that she dates about five men simultaneously. But she assured me she will be faithful to me when I entertained fear about her doing the same thing to me. But right now, my heart has been totally shattered. What do I do? I am seriously worried, it is affecting my academics. I will appreciate your response. Worried Boy Dear Worried Boy In life there are three kinds of people we meet. Some come to help us grow, others are simply spectators in our lives, they don’t leave much impact while others come to destroy us. Depending on how much value we place on our dreams and the reasons for the relationship, those in the third category are most of the time best flushed out the moment they manifest their true colours. Clearly from your account, this lady isn’t prepared to be in any serious relationship at all. Besides, she has a history that needs time and energy to decipher. Why would any woman concurrently date five men? Something must be wrong somewhere in her life. You need maturity and an understanding beyond what you currently have to handle her. The fact that you are bothered and allowing her behaviour get under your skin showcases you as one man who don’t have what it takes, at least for now to resolve her kind of problem. Frankly, it is either you learn not to take yourself too serious with this lady, thereby giving yourself some emotional respite from all the hurts her behaviour is inflicting on you or be man enough to walk away from it all. There is no change in her unless it comes from her heart. To continue to dwell on the behaviour of this lady is to put on yourself unnecessary emotional burden, not good for your educational pursuit. In your fifth year at medical school you need all the concentration to scale through. Sex for her is like a hobby. Unless you know why she doesn’t feel any remorse having sex with more than five men at the same period of time, you cannot help or change her. If you really love her and want to help, first make up your mind not to be affected by her conduct at all. This way you will have the right mind to tackle her. Once you make it your business, ask her what happened in her younger years. This is where the key to her change will come from. You have to drill through the layers of both remembered and almost forgotten memories to help her come to terms with the danger associated with her kind of lifestyle. Sincerely, she needs you more as a friend than a lover to help her come to full appreciation of her value as a woman. If you insist on being her lover, you may never have the emotional equilibrium to stay around her sufficiently to help her change for the better. You may have been planted into her life by God to change her positively. She needs constant talking to, help and prayers. Chances are that she doesn’t even know that she has a problem. Some come from physical reasons like abuse when young or through spiritual means. Once you are able to establish the source of her own problems, it would be easier for you to know what kind of help to offer. Whatever you do, be a good friend. Don’t allow her sense your anger and despair too much. This may be counter-productive for the kind of help you want to offer her. Chances are that no man has ever cared enough about her to want to offer her the kind of assistance you are prepared to. For the simple fact that it is unusual, she may react negatively at first but if you are persistent, she will eventually come to her senses enough to be responsible. The fact that she told you from the beginning about her person shows that she isn’t pretentious, a positive sign of a mind that is conscious of her problem. She may not know it, her admission may be a silent cry for help. But ensure whatever you do, you are not affected by her attitude. What you should do now is to call her for that personal discussion. It has nothing to do with her being unfaithful to you or not but more to do with her reason for the kind of life she is living. Good luck.

She wants to come back after cheating on me

Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the situation of heart brokenness caused me by the girl I love so much. There is this girl I met in 2009 when I was sitting for my West African Senior Secondary School Examinations. Immediately I saw her something strong moved in me. It was a kind of feeling I have never felt before. So I walked up to her to express my feelings for her. I kept disturbing her until she agreed to be my date. It took her four months to agree to my proposal. Overtime she became as much in love with me as I am with her. I spent a little time with her in the village before she left to stay with her mother in Rivers State. We kept in constant touch with each other. Over the years, I also noticed she didn’t toy with me. We however saw each other at Christmas seasons and was always happy to see me. A lot of people have been asking us to decide on the date and time of our wedding. However, things began to change early last year when I noticed she no longer called me as frequently as she used to. If I call her, she won’t pick my calls. Even when she sees my calls, she won’t return it. There was this particular day a guy answered her call and told me she wasn’t around. She didn’t bother to return my call for that day. So many things changed. But when we met last Christmas, she pretended nothing was amiss and displayed all the affections of the past years. She didn’t stay for the length of time she normally would have. Three days after she returned to Rivers State, I called her but she kept rejecting my calls. At a point, she simply switched off her phone. And when I kept disturbing her with calls, she told me she didn’t want me calling her again and that she wasn’t interested in the relationship again. I pleaded with her bit she refused. A week after, I called her but to my pains, the same man answered her phone. I had to ask the guy of his relationship with my girlfriend. He told me they were dating. I felt betrayed and my heart became heavy with sadness at her treatment of me. I left a message for her with him; that she should call me. She called me around 1:45 a.m. After discussing with her; she apologised because, I never cheated on her in the years that we dated. I ended the discussion by telling that I quit. The next day she called me and was crying and pleading for forgiveness and re-acceptance. She has also sent me several text messages calling her actions foolish and not knowing the value of what she has. She informed me that she has terminated the relationship with the other guy. She had also been pleading it will never happen and that she did it for the fun of it, not knowing it will tear us apart. She has been crying and begging me to accept her back since then. I really feel betrayed by her actions. I have also sworn not to ever date her again but there is nothing I can do about my love for her. I also know she really loves me. Please help me out. Should I go back to her because she has come to full realization of her mistakes and that I really love her or forget about her and move on with my life? Please your valued counsel is urgently needed. Simon. Dear Simon, Betrayal is associated with love. The two always go together. In addition, there is no relationship without its seasons of pains, joy and testimony. What often makes the difference is the quality of love that exists between the couple. One thing you must appreciate in a relationship especially in a long distant one; is the grace of God. Without it, a couple may find it almost impossible to be happy together. It is this grace that helps couples to see ahead of many situations they find themselves in. In some cases, it isn’t about who committed the worst crime but a combinations of all factors that created the situation in the first place. Sincerely, both of you are at fault in this relationship. Although she erred severely by going outside the relationship to date another man, you also left too many things to chance. We are not equally gifted with the same kind of emotional resistance. You happen to fall into the category of those whose resistance is very strong. It wasn’t wise on your part to assume she too can put up your kind of resistance. Don’t also forget that unlike the life of a man; that of the woman is limited by nature and staying with her mother, being around her friends in where she stays will put a certain kind of pressure on her. Nobody would take her serious about a relationship where the man has never visited her. You don’t live abroad; you live in Nigeria so why haven’t you taken time out to make yourself visible to her mother and friends in Rivers State? One thing is to talk about having a boyfriend who loves her so very much; another thing is for the boy to make an appearance in her life. Knowing how the mind of the average woman works, her friends and associates would have on several occasions wondered loudly and mockingly too about her absentee boyfriend and urged her to protect herself by accepting another man in her life. Their arguments would be hinged on the very common ones; do you know what he is up to? If he is as much in love with you as he claims, why hasn’t he bothered to come down here to see you? These are just examples of the kinds of pressures she might have gone through in the hands of her friends. If your love is strong enough to survive this, correct this mistake by taking time out to be with her. Seeing her in December only doesn’t amount to anything much. Both of you aren’t living in different countries. It won’t take you more than a day, to travel from your base to Rivers State at worst. Your presence there will not only serve to announce your love for her but underline your seriousness with her. Even if you stay with her for two days, it will erase any negative impression her family and friends might have nurtured in their minds. It will also afford the mother the opportunity of meeting and discussing with you. As for your worry on whether to take her back or not; it is yours to make because you are the one at the centre of it all. You are the one who knows what you feel for her and how strong the feelings are. However, in making this important decision, please consider these points. Can you trust her to be faithful to you? Will you be able to completely forgive and forget about the incident? One thing is to forgive; another thing is to forget. It is the forgetting part that tells how fast your relationship will heal from this. If you are unable to forget it, chances are you will never completely trust her even though, you love her. You will keep suspecting her every move to the extent you will never believe whatever she tells you especially concerning the nature of her relationship with any man. As it is, the relationship is stationary at that point you discovered her duplicity. Only your true forgiveness can jump start it. If you know it will be difficult for you to really forgive her, don’t make the mistake of taking her back because you will only end up really messing things up between the two of you. If you need time, be honest enough to tell her that you will need time to get the hurt out of your system before you can come back to her. Don’t allow her tears force you into a situation you know you cannot handle at least, for now. You need time to make the right decision. Just turn to God for His peace and comfort. One thing is for sure; if both of you are meant to be, you will find a way around it. Good luck.

Her friends are wayward

Dear Agatha, We recently moved homes to a new neighborhood and I noticed my wife’s new friends are the kinds of women who enjoy having extra marital affairs. As a matter of fact, one of them has approached me for a relationship. She called me on my phone, pretended she needed my assistance with her car which according to her broke down in a place not too far from my office. She said I was the only one she could call as her husband’s and mechanic numbers were not going through. She said she got my number from my wife because she knew from their conversation that my office wasn’t too far from where her car broke down. I had to discontinue with the meeting I was holding with members of my staff to help her. Indeed the car broke down but I soon discovered that the battery terminal was bad so, I had to call my driver to help her get a new one through our official mechanic. She thanked me and I thought that was all. I was very surprised when she came to the office an hour later with my driver to thank me. I had no choice to offer her lunch since it was already lunchtime. From the way she was looking at me, making her eyes, being a streetwise man, I knew she was up to something but I purposely ignored all the come on signs she was passing on. The next time she came was to invite me to lunch. She said she was in the neighbourhood and decided to pay me a visit. To cut the long story short, she actually invited me out for the purpose of having sex with her. I declined not because I am a saint but that she is married and a friend to my wife. She didn’t find it funny but I stood my grounds and threatened to report her conduct to her husband if she ever tried it again. This is why I don’t want my wife getting close to them. I know what such women are capable of. I still trust my wife but if she continues to keep the company of these women, it may spell doom to my marriage one of the things I dread the most in life. I went through a very horrible childhood as a result of the divorce of my parents. I don’t want my children going through it. I’m sending you this email because I trust your judgment. How do I make my wife understand me on this? The few times, I tried, she was very angry and quarreled with me. She said I don’t ever want her to mix with other women and that I am being unreasonable. I love my wife but fear for the future of our marriage if she keeps ignoring me. How best do I handle this rather delicate matter without causing problem in my marriage? My wife can be very unpredictable. In addition the more she exposes me to these women, the higher she exposes me to temptations since not all of them are married. Don. Dear Don, First, I want to appreciate your honesty. Not every man would exercise such restrain in the face of such temptation. This is the peg you need to make your wife listen. It is a simple case of either keeping her man and home or those new friends of hers. There are no two ways about it in this kind of situation. There is no relationship without its season of quarrels and making up. These are some of the things that give a relationship its distinct character and flavours. God never promised us a life without ups and downs. Simply because your parents went through divorce doesn’t mean you are heading for one when you take a stand on an important matter such as this. Reality demands that both of you must disagree to agree. Cocooning your relationship from going through all the stages of life will only make it more fragile and unable to stand the test of time. Your wife isn’t a fool. There is no way she would prefer her new friends to her husband and home. Many a time the problem is usually in the presentation of an issues. From her responses to your attempts to introduce this subject, it is clear that you both have had issues before on whether she should keep friends or not. Ensure, you clear that backlog first if you want her to appreciate the actuality of the new threat to her marriage. Perhaps, you have never really made her to appreciate everything you went through as a child. This is perhaps the time to share deep family secrets you have never told her before. She must know how deep the sores you carried from your childhood into adulthood. Many a time, the things we run away from are the very things that hunt us in our later years. There is no way she can appreciate your fears if you don’t tell her. Don’t neglect the fact that she wasn’t there when all that happened to you. And if she isn’t from a broken home, had always enjoyed the comfort and support of her parents, it would be almost impossible for her to appreciate your fears. By helping her to understand you better; you open your marriage to greater understanding and possibilities. Nobody likes to be given unreasonable orders, which is precisely what you are doing by telling her to discontinue with a group of friends you must braide her with a reason. Unarguably, these friends are not the kind of women she should have as friends but, asking her not to be their friends without concrete evidences of why she shouldn’t be, will not serve any purpose at all. She is an adult, your wife, a mother and person who has graduated from taking orders from her parents to one who is also in that position of giving orders. To have you make decisions for her as if she is still in the kindergarten class, is wrong. Marriage is about two people reasoning together and finding common ground in the process of argument and disagreement. Once she understands the premise you are coming from; that it isn’t to deny her of her fundamental rights of free association, she will listen to you. You must also appreciate that the bad friends are the ones with all the interesting ingredients to make her relax and feel loved in their presence. Frankly, this does present a new bouquet of challenges to the spouse who sees ahead of the danger. Because they appear more exciting and fun to be with, she will naturally want to protest and in the process brand you a joy killer. If you don’t handle it with care and love, you risk making her defiant and blind to the inherent dangers ahead. It is only after you have convinced her of your true intentions; appreciate your person that you can now talk about her new friends. Even at that, don’t go directly into it. First, find out from her who her new friends really are beyond the picture they present her. Ask her if she knows what they are into; their views on monogamy and faithfulness to their spouses. Find out what she finds interesting about them and if she envies their kind of lifestyles. You have to know how far she is into them to know how best to break her free from their hold. To introduce the subject begin by agreeing with her on the things you find are true about her new friends; say this without bias before telling her about your encounter with the particular one that came to your office and what she did. Assure her you have nothing against her having friends but she must be mindful of the kind of friends she keeps and that she must appreciate her role as a mother and wife in whatever decision she takes. This way, you are pushing the decision to her to settle for what is important to her the most. And since it doesn’t appear to be an order, she will gladly do what you want with the most minimal complaints. Every issue in marriage requires wisdom to tackle. Good luck.