He wants her at all cost

Dear Agatha, There is this cousin to my neighbour who is asking my sister out. My sister is in a serious relationship and didn’t hide this fact from this man. Despite this, he insists on dating her. He says he does not care and that he won’t give up on his desire to date her. He offers my sister gifts which I always tell her to refuse to avoid problems in future especially with her boyfriend. Recently, her phone went bad and he’s offering to buy her a new one. He is also offering to help her get an international passport. Will it be right for her to accept gifts from him? Loveth. Dear Loveth, You are right to be wary of her receiving gifts from this man. There is no point toying with the food she isn’t ready to eat. To do that would be to court trouble and bring pains to herself eventually. Besides, one of the cardinal rules in life is contentment. Anybody who isn’t satisfied with what he or she has, risks losing everything at the end of the day. She has to learn from this early in her relationship and life to be comfortable with whatever she has. For a woman; this is really important as her man, no matter how rich can never give her everything in life. There will always be something a man, no matter how affluent, will not be able to give to his woman. It could be having the time to be with her. For any relationship to succeed, every woman must be faithful to her heart and choice. She must learn to have faith in her man. For her to be so serious with her current boyfriend; it means he has something to offer her as well as the fact that they have found joy and peace in each other’s company. If she is wise, she must do everything to protect this relationship and not fall prey to the temptation that this man offers. The sad thing about all this, is the possibility of her never finding a man to be serious with her if through her capitulations to this new man’s pressures, she loses her boyfriend. Good and responsible men are hard to find these days. In addition, money isn’t everything. A man may have money but could be lacking in those essentials a woman needs in her relationship to be happy. That man trying by all means to buy her love with presents is convinced beyond reasonable doubts that every woman has her price. He is determined to have her to prove that point. Chances of him giving her the kind of respect she wants from a man are very slim. He would always wonder at her honesty and loyalty especially around men who are more prosperous than he is. He would always hold on to this opinion of her that, since he could buy her off a serious relationship with gifts, all another interested man has to do for her to fall for him, is to flash her with money. I am sure this isn’t the kind of reputation she wants for herself. Let her know that the best gift she can give herself is respect. No matter how difficult things her with current boyfriend, she should learn to endure. She isn’t a cattle that goes to the highest bidder; she is a woman who is in love and true love is priceless. If this man has any respect for her, he won’t be trying so hard to make her break her relationship with the other man. A reasonable man would have backed off once knowing of her existing relationship. The fact of the matter is this; the moment she capitulates to this man’s pressures, if another woman comes his way, he would dump her like a sucked orange and go for the other woman because deep down, he has won the bet he entered into with himself. Let her know, this guy is on an ego trip to use whatever means to win the battle of her heart. Besides, once she begins to accept his gifts, she would be under the obligations to do whatever he demands of her. There is no way she can insist on anything. The best thing is not to commit herself to him by refusing anything from him. This way she would earn his respect the more. I am sure if this man didn’t come her way; she would have found a way around her phone problem by repairing it. As her elder sister, remove her from temptation way by asking her to relocate for the time being. She really must resist the temptation to remain happy. Encourage her to pray because for some women; this is the point they get it all wrong in life. Just one small mistake can change the course of things for her. Also, how will she explain the gifts to her boyfriend? What message signals will she be communicating to both the new man and her boyfriend by accepting these gifts? Even if there is nothing between them at the end of the day, she would have done a significant damage to her relationship by accepting those gifts because her boyfriend will never completely trust her again. Even if she is tired of her relationship, there are better ways of ending a relationship without compromising her reputation. Good luck.

He is too jealous

Dear Agatha, I am in severe emotional pains. This is because the man I am currently in relationship with is very jealous to the extent I cannot talk to any man except him. Although he promised to marry me but we are always quarreling, as a matter of fact, every second. I don’t know what to do; either to end it or continue with the relationship. Please help me. Joy. Dear Joy, Of what use is a relationship where the couple quarrels every second of the day? When do you both have time to blend, discover your values and importance to each other if all you do is disagree because one of you is too jealous to be reasonable? Trust is an essential part of a relationship. Without this, there is no way both of you can function as a couple. You both must find that equilibrium in your emotions to exist as one entity. He has to scale down on his jealousies while you have to be more transparent in your dealings with him to erase every doubt he may have in his mind concerning your loyalty to him. First you have to take the time to find out why he is this way. You must understand the premise he is coming from else you will never comprehend how deep his insecurities are. It is either he had a very terrible experience in the past or that he is generally an in-secured man. Sit him down to ask for explanations on why he thinks you are dating every man you talk to. While jealousy is natural to mankind; the kind you describe is not normal. If you cannot talk to any man at all, how does he expect you to work or do business? How will you ever get by and cope with such a man? From experience, this isn’t something you should treat with levity or go into at all. The truth of the matter is, overtime, such men become violent and very unpredictable. To marry such a man is to sign your death warrant as he could kill in a flash of jealousy. There is no taming a man prone to jealousy. Not only are such men violent but are always depressed; two emotions dangerous for peace and harmony in any relationship. Knowing what his problems are is only part of the solution; your major challenge would be getting him to beat the habit. Frankly, this kind of habit cannot be trashed so easily or within a day. It takes certain kind of patience, sacrifice, tolerance and stubborn determination. There are times he would become wild, unmanageable and very unreasonable. Will you be able to cope with knowing your man is like a gun powder that can go off anytime? This isn’t time to be sentimental but for you to face reality by refusing to lead yourself into a situation that will make you very miserable at the end of the day. Sometimes, it is best to remain single and be happy than to be married and be miserable. The choice is really yours to make at the end of the day. Good luck.

How can I be a good husband?

Dear Agatha, How can I be a good husband? Eme Dear Eme, So many factors come into play in every marriage. Some are general to all marriages while others are peculiar to the individuals involved. Therefore to be a good husband, you must take time out to know everything there is to know about your wife. Get to read her like a book, making efforts to know precisely what God’s story line for her life is. This is absolutely important for proper integration of your person into hers. This is the foundation of being happy and having a peaceful marriage. Knowing God’s purpose for her will determine how far you can push her or what to expect from her at any given time. Besides it will assist you in knowing when she does something deliberately and when it is in line with her nature. Like men, there are no two kinds of women. Every person is different; this is the mystery of God hence each person’s reaction to an issue will always be dissimilar. By learning to appreciate her dissimilarity to everything you have been used to, including all the women that have graced your life, you open yourself to learning new things about her and from her ways. It is like watching a child grow. Every stage of a growing child is laced and patterned with different hues of colours which brings new excitement to the parents. As a good husband, you should be able to notice when she is making the extra effort to please you or change for your sake. Most often, problems arise when a woman thinks her husband isn’t paying her the kind of attention she deserves. A woman likes to be complimented on her looks, new hairstyles, cooking and housekeeping. She practically comes into bud when complimented by the man who has her heart. Without much efforts from you, she will go the extra mile to make sure he is happy and contented with everything at home. But she gets very hurt, edging and troublesome when she is ignored or not appreciated. No woman wants to hurt or misbehave to a man who cares so much for her. Therefore, learn to be caring, attentive and appreciative of whatever efforts she puts into the marriage. Even when you think she isn’t doing enough, first show appreciation for the little she is doing before voicing whatever complains you have. This way, she will listen better than you just complaining about her efforts. That you are the man of the house doesn’t mean you should be lacking in respect for her person or values. At all times, learn to be respectful of her position as your deputy. Without her, there would be no home or family. Therefore, protect her position by limiting your anger as well as displeasure with the way she is doing certain things to the bedroom. Not even your children should witness your quarrels because they were not there when both of you met or made the decision to spend your lives together. When a man exposes his wife to the mockery of others, by fighting or beating her in the presence of others, he is unwittingly destroying his home. Don’t ever make the mistake of beating her. The tongue of a woman is very sharp and indiscriminate. When let loose, it can cause great damage. Learn to develop the strength and will to resist her anger. Because a woman talks before she thinks. If you know you cannot withstand the pains of her tongue, when she gets angry, walk away or leave the room for her. Not many men have the capacity to tolerate the kind of words that come out of a woman’s mouth when angry. By electing to walk away from the scene, you are giving your marriage the chance to survive against all odds and buying respect for yourself and family. The truth is that nobody hears or is a witness to the caustic and provocative tongues of the woman but everybody does when the man reacts by beating her. At the end of the day, the man gets the label of being violent and irresponsible. Be wise and avoid what will make others gather in your house to settle any marital rift. That you are avoiding confrontation doesn’t mean you are weak, it just shows that you are man enough to manage your internal problems judiciously. It also indicates your ability to compartmentalise your life, giving each subject its place. The man who takes pride in using muscles to settle marital problems is seen as weak and unbalanced. It infects every aspect of his life because, when sourcing for qualified hands to handle sensitive positions, domestic violence could stand in his way of progress. Men who command the absolute respect of their wives are those who have mastered the act of controlling their tempers. The fact that you don’t even raise your voice when arguing with your wife is enough to keep the woman in check and very respectful of you. As a husband, learn to show understanding always. Like you, she has her moments and moods; particularly as a woman. There are particular times of the month when hormonal imbalances influence a woman to behave out of tune. This is when she needs you to bear with her, understand her and offer whatever help you can no matter how minute. Because often than not, women don’t even understand these changes themselves, it is essential her husband makes the effort to help her by observing the particular time of the month when she becomes edgy. Although some men think it is unnecessary and something that has little to do with them; the truth is they are very wrong. When the woman of the house is happy, she affects everybody at home just as her bad moods. By going that extra mile to make it your business, you would be protecting your marriage from having too many contentious issues to resolve. With just a measure of little attention and action by both parties some of the challenges that later become home-breakers, can be averted. You also have to imbibe the habit of confiding and talking to her. Remember as your partner for life, she has a greater stake in your affairs. Engage her in all discussions because when the chips are down, she will be the only one standing by you. By talking to her, she becomes your best friend and confidant in addition to being your partner. As a friend, you are most likely to forgive her anything because this is what friends are for. In the bedroom, make sure you aren’t selfish. Good marriages take two to manage. Allow her the lead sometimes by encouraging her to experiment with ideas of her own. And when you take the lead, make sure you place her satisfaction too on the front burner. Always ask if she is okay with whatever you are doing as a husband. To keep the romance burning, take her out occasionally, buy her gifts, send her romantic messages just as if you were both still dating. Also, by developing a keen sense of joke, you make things that ordinarily should be difficult easy to do. And as a father, always make out time for the children. Get to know their friends, what they are doing in school by attending some of their ceremonies. Create a family time for you all to talk and grow as a team. And as the head of the home, ensure you show the right example by your involvement in the things of God. There must be a family time to pray and fellowship with God daily because He remains the head of every home. Besides, He is the only one you should allow into your marriage. Keep third parties out of your marriage at all times for peace to reign. In addition always insist on settling every disagreement so it doesn’t build up to a level you both lose yourselves in the problems. Good luck.

Why do women like men who tell lies?

Dear Agatha, I am an Engineer working with a construction company. I am 33 years old and desire to settle down but I have issues with finding the right girl. I am disciplined, responsible and focus. Please I would like to ask you two questions. Firstly, why do most women like men who lie or claim what they are not? Secondly, why is it that when a man tells a girl he loves her, she ends up taking him for granted like in my case? My friends too are having the same problems in their relationships. Please Agatha how do I get a girl who will reciprocate my love for her and love me for who I am? At my age, I do not want to do what I did in the University. I want an everlasting marriage and do not want to have children outside marriage. I believe lying to a girl is laying a wrong foundation. Sidney. Dear Sidney, It is a very wrong assumption to make. It is really the other way round. Men think lying to women would give them the edge over their rivals for the woman’s heart and hand. The truth is, whether a man lies or not about his affluence, only a woman interested in him will at the end of the day fall in love with him. So a man really sure of himself and dreams doesn’t have to lie to attract and retain the woman after his heart. If your assumption were true, poor men won’t have women to call their own. That men without deep pockets are getting pretty and wonderful women as wives shows that women too are not looking for playboys or showy men for husbands. Deep down in the heart of most women is that desire to marry for love and peace in their marriages; not necessarily for money. If some women like being lied to, it is only because the men are ready to be played for fools and that such women too don’t have plans for themselves. When a man comes across such a woman, the best thing is to move as fast as his legs can carry him because it shows the woman is sightless and would be a burdento the man. A woman sure of herself will not place her success in the hands of anybody. This attitude isn’t limited to women; there are some men who also like being lied to. Therefore, it isn’t a function of the gender but that of attitude of the individual. Furthermore, it also depends on the kind of women you are meeting and the decisive factors you are placing on the front burner. If you are in the habit of looking at the physical beauty of a woman than her inner beauty, chances are you will keep experiencing the attitudes of women who place vanity above value. Granted that every woman has traces of vanity, but the truth is, most men actually encourage women to be very vain and materialistic. Since winning the heart of a woman is an ego thing, most men think lying about themselves and status give them the edge over their competitors. They give the woman they want all the impression in the world that he controls the nation. I am sure if you pay detailed attention to the qualities of the woman you are interested in; not caring so much about her appearance, you will end up with a woman you can talk to and plan around. It is a matter of you too knowing what you really want from life and marriage. Are you the kind of man who wants a showcase wife, the kind you put on display, you want to flaunt; one who is all beautiful but is lacking in character and substance? Or do you want the kind of woman who has the character and substance to compliment your nature? Just like we have all manner of products in the market, so are different kinds of women out there. Men and women suffer disappointments because often time, they go for choices that do not compliment their natures at all. It is a matter of you looking for the woman that has the intellect and wisdom to manage your person. Therefore in your search make certain things absolute clear to yourself; those things you want in a woman. As long as you don’t compromise, are sure of what you want from a woman you are meeting for the first time, you will eventually find the right woman who will accept you for what and who you are. In this whole game, honesty is the watch word. It takes an honest man to find a sincere woman. It is also pertinent you realize that no relationship is perfect. Be prepared at all time to bend backwards to accommodate the shortcomings of your partner as well. We all come with manufacturer’s defects. Once you appreciate that you are as imperfect as the woman you are interested in, you place your relationship on a platform of better survival from the begining. Once two people are in love, it is natural for both of them to take each other for granted. I think the question you want to ask is why do women leave things to chance once they are in love? It is a simple matter of being secured in the love of her man. Frankly, it is normal to the nature of man to get careless and take things for granted once he or she is secured. There is usually this feeling of confidence that comes from knowing a man really cares. It gives the woman so much confidence and authority to know that her zone is protected. Yes, the woman can get corrupted by that confidence to misbehave but in such situation, the man should lovely call her to order by pointing her at the mistakes she is making. A couple must be able at all time discuss every issue that comes up in their relationship. This way, they grow the confidence and trust to paddle the canoe of their relationship without fear of it capsizing along the road. A man doesn’t have to be violent to set the limits in the relationship. With love and respect for his woman, a man can effectively draw the line in his relationship. What most men don’t know is the fact that everywoman needs a man she can respect in her life- one who is in charge without any display of force. If you notice your girlfriend is taking you for granted, let her know how you feel about her attitude immediately. It will help her make the necessary adjustment. Always strive for complete honesty in whatever you do. From the very beginning, don’t give the woman you meet any false hope. Let her know who you are. If you have a temper, don’t hide it or pretend to like something you definitely cannot cope with in the long term. A serious minded woman wants a man who is interested in her own development. Rather than impress her by taking her to social and ostentatious places be moderate in your tastes even if you have the money to splash on her. Get to first know everything about her; her growing up years, family history, likes and dislikes as well as her dreams for the future. Your ideal woman is the one that is ready to accept you for who and what you are. Don’t ever lie to any woman: it isn’t worth it. Good luck. Lonely Heart Dear Agatha, I am a student of University of Uyo. I will love to be linked with a nice lady who is ready to love me for who I am for a serious relationship. An interested lady can reach me on; 08169603636 or my email; velijo@ymail.com. Joe.

My husband keeps cheating on me

Dear Agatha, My husband has been having an affair right from our wedding. We have been married six years now. He has been having incessant and indiscriminate affairs every now and then. He has never been without a girlfriend. Please I need your help and I want to make you my friend because I am getting frustrated and almost going nuts. I have tried all the moves you described in the article; helped by my pastors’ counseling but I often get discouraged because every time I show love to him, he won’t even reply or retaliate. He still keeps late nights despite my efforts. Although he provides the necessities for the children and I, but this new girl he is now seeing really takes his time and energy. He is now into alcoholism but not to the drunken state. Help me ma. I’m tired of relaying my story to people and my pastor as I don’t want to bother him anymore. I’m just 28 years of age and even if I say so myself, still beautiful. You can check me out on the Facebook. May God help you as you start to help me! Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Any woman who tells you her marriage is completely free of challenges is lying. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage; what exist is a perfect determination by couples to weather the storm of two people, from different backgrounds, families, attitudes and thoughts coming together to make a home. Sincerely, the first seven years are the most difficult ones. This is so because this period is one of adjustment and embracing the reality. It is a period of transition from the make believe world of romantic fantasies to the actuality of discovering the real person behind the face of love and romance of one’s partner. I am sure, you weren’t exactly in the dark concerning your husband’s love for women but pretended not to notice because of so many things you might have put into consideration; things you thought you could cope with and change overtime. One thing the early period of our marital life brings to the fore is the practicality of our decisions. Whether you like it or not, you are as much to blame for this situation as well as your husband. The reason is simple; you made the choice to marry him despite the flaws you noticed in his behaviour. So this is the time to apply wisdom instead of sentiments for peace to reign in your home. There are certain things in marriage that cannot be changed overtime. Your kind of problem is the kind that requires absolute patience, mindless endurance and persistent prayers to defeat. This is because the marriage institution, like life itself, is sectioned into different seasons. There is always the time to sow and to reap; time to be sad and time to be happy. There is no marriage without its package of pains, choices and disappointments. The difference is that our problems are not all the same. However, the challenge of infidelity you are presently going through in your marriage is common to more than 80 percent of married women. Men are the same all over the world. The lure for the feminine flesh is simply too strong for most men to ignore. Only the grace of God makes one marriage more endurable than the other. Therefore, wise and realistic women have learnt over the years to ignore this aspect of their men. For some women, as long as the man is providing for the family, he can do whatever he wants with his time and the balance of his money. One thing you should get clear is that extra marital affair in marriage is one of the least challenges a woman faces in her marriage. If you end your marriage on account of your husband keeping other women, you will end up being the loser in the sense that it is a common malady with every man except very few. Therefore the issue of your being beautiful should not even come into play. Once you give bite to this line of thought, you are also preparing yourself to destroy another woman’s home and relationship. Many of those women who are today destroying your homes one time or the other, reasoned like you are doing now. The world is a circle of paradox. If you decide to end your marriage; if the undertone of your mail is anything to go by, you too would be a danger to the relationships of other women. Rather, you must learn to cope with this man God has given to you as a husband because you both swore to be together through all the seasons of life. Those who conceived the marriage creed did out of experience. They knew that marriage is a journey of the good, the bad and ugly. The unfortunate thing is that couples, especially women recite this without paying much attention to the words. If you did, you would have been prepared psychologically for the situation you are battling with in marriage. The only way to protect your marriage is to develop the right shocks to ignore his other women. Stop nagging him. To do that is to further give him a reason to fall into the arms of another waiting woman. If you have been doing this, stop it immediately. Instead develop the will to be pleasant to him. I appreciate this is very difficult given all that you are passing through but you really don’t have any choice in this matter but to be nice to him. It is the only way you can win him over. The fact that he is also romancing the bottle is a strong indication that you are making life a little bit of hell for him in the house. You don’t stupidly jump into a raging fire without trying first to put it out before saving life. Anything you say now would be like pouring petrol into a fire. He is too far gone to listen to whatever you say. He would think you are trying to criticize him so adopt the very quiet approach to this matter. First, you must find that thing that is always driving him outside to these other women. Although some men appear not to have a reason to cheat on their wives, the truth is there is always a reason for everything. Years of doing this job has taught me one thing; that major marital challenges begin with very minor issues. It could just be your person as a whole; some men who cheat don’t have any reason beyond the fact that their wives have intimidating personalities. You might just be in this category; this is after you have eliminated every other obvious reason he might have for going out. One thing you must never take for granted is the value of your man. First and foremost, he is the head of the home and as such deserves every respect you have to offer. If God intended for both men and women to share the leadership in marriage, he wouldn’t have given the headship to the man so no matter what, learn to respect your man. This has to do with the ego of the average man. Every man is always looking for a woman to massage his ego. When he comes back, don’t remind him of the other women. Give him what he wants from you. Pretend he is just coming from a friend’s place. The truth is, the sex you refuse him, he is getting in different dimensions and variations from other women so he might not really miss yours so if you deny him of it, you are only giving him a valid reason to go outside. Therefore, learn to relax, enjoy being with him. Let him know through your disposition and appreciation of him; that you are more than capable of giving him everything he needs in a woman. The fact that you are fighting for your husband’s affection should ignite your passion to make the difference in his life. You are wise to stop telling people about your challenge. You are the one in the best position to decide on what you want your life to be. The fact that he still remembers to give you money for your upkeep and those of the children means he is responsible despite his social habits. You are still lucky than most women whose husbands don’t care how they or the children feed or go to school. Be grateful for this mercy by going more on your knees to get your husband to change. Just believe that God is using this to teach and impact a lesson that will be useful to others in later years. Good luck.

He is despondent

Dear Agatha, I met this man I am dating some few months ago. We live in different towns. He is in Uyo while I am in Calabar. I met him when I was in Uyo. He is so wonderful and amazing. We are very compatible and perfect for each other. I love him very much. Two months ago, he relocated from Uyo to Calabar because his business wasn’t doing too well in that town. He is into telecommunications business. He felt he needed a change of environment. He is a very lively and playful person. We play a lot even when we talk on phone but recently I noticed he has become withdrawn, cold and reserved. He opened up to me that things were rough with his business and that his life was as a result at a standstill. The more I try to encourage him, the more despondent he becomes. This has affected our relationship especially in the area of communication. When I pointed this out to him, he pleaded with me to be patient and to understand his situation. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me so much. I feel bad that I can’t fix his problem. I feel so useless to him. He ignored my calls sometime last week but later sent me a text that he wasn’t happy to talk. Please help me since I don’t know what to do. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, The worst kind of man to be with; is the one going through some financial crisis. In this state, he is like a wounded lion because this kind of situation touches on his ego as man. Under this kind of state, don’t expect him to be loving or romantic. As a matter of fact, anything you say may ignite his temper so walk wisely around him like a tender egg. When a man finds himself unable to provide for himself let alone meet up with the expectations of those closest to his heart, he becomes moody, sometimes violent and if care isn’t taken by the woman in his life to gently coach him back into the realities of life, he could take up some social vices, like drinking. Even if he isn’t saying it, he needs you now more than ever before. One of the things that come with love is diligence. You have to learn to ensure this situation without complains or regrets. It is the only way you can bring him from the all time low he has fallen into. If you too begin to feel regrets about your not having money to help him come back on his feet, how are you going to talk him out of this mood? How are you going to make him have a reason to fight on? One thing both of you; especially you, must realize are the different seasons in life and the kind of destinies we each carries into the world with. While some people are meant to go through their challenges early in life, some go through it in the afternoon season of their lives while others have the twilight experience. Life wasn’t meant by God to be smooth sailing. No matter how successful an individual appears to be, there is always one or two challenges he or she is facing secretly. It is the grace of God that makes the difference in life. Besides, every success must have a tale of struggle, sacrifices, endurance, vision and determination. Without these, true success cannot be accomplished. Rather than allow the situation to overwhelm him, encourage your boyfriend to go back to the drawing board as every area has its inherent blessings. What works in one area may not succeed in another environment. Surely there are business options that are working very well in Calabar. It is finding out what they are and how he can influence or inculcate his telecommunication background into the existing business climate in the town. It might just be a simple case of introducing something different into his business line. Besides, there is no community that isn’t thirsting for telecommunication business. It is a viable business that can take him places provided it is in line with what God wants for him. You also must make him understand that it takes a while to make the kind of impact he wants in a new environment. Nobody likes doing business with someone who isn’t known; this is why even multi-national companies spend a lot of money on public relations and advertisements. He has to first earn the trust of the different publics he intends to deal with before he can talk of success. By this, he has to rebrand and introduce a kind of incentive to make him more attractive than his existing rivals. For now, he cannot afford to sell at the same price those he met there, sell. Tell him to drop his price a little bit and to tempt people with a kind of gift. This works excellently well because we are wired by God to go all emotional when someone shows appreciation to us through gifts. The offer of a gift will make some individuals give him a listening ear they would never have done. Call it bribe, but it falls under public relations. Every business needs the support of the people to grow. This is the time for you as his woman to put on your thinking cap. How can you help him improve on his business ideas? Again, you must also consider his passion for it. This is because passion makes the difference between failure and success. Deep down, is he in the right kind? Do you think he could have done better in another kind of venture? From experience, God usually use these kinds of situations to urge us to consider something else. Why not help him pray for the right direction? He may not be in the right kind of business God designed for him. While God has used the sales of something as mundane as pure water to bless some people, others, not designed to go into that kind of business whowent into it without asking God first, ended up in huge debts. Life is about aligning with the will of God and not necessarily the capital for the business. But until he comes to that realization, you must dream of something to remove his mind from his immediate worry. To do this perfectly, you have first to steel yourself against his mood swings. If he refuses to answer your calls, don’t worry. Send him a text message of encouragement instead. If he appears irritated at nothing in particular, quietly sit at a corner when you come to visit him, to read a book. Go with books you know would encourage him to beat his habits. You may not succeed in getting him in his present mood to read but leaving the books in strategic places will attract him to read eventually. Also dream of exciting places to take him to so he can relax and leave the prison of worries and disappointments he has sentenced himself to. Being new in the area, he may not have friends to help him through this difficult phase in his life. Having been in that town for a while, you might know one or two persons who are progressive in their thoughts to include in your outing plan to help him through all these. We all need people who can influence us positively. You cannot do this on your own without external help; sometimes, from men who have gone through similar situations. And if you ever love him, this is the time for you to show him how much. There is no battle extreme patience hasn’t won. Patience breeds respect, tolerance and endurance. You will need all these qualities to make this relationship survive this trying time. Rest assured that only the toughest survives a raging storm. More than ever before; you need to remain calm and trusting in the Lord, to get him out of this state. Good luck.

She is into multiple relationships

Dear Agatha, For all your support to troubled souls, I want to appreciate you. I am in love with this girl who unfortunately has been cheating on me. Though she initially denied having anything to do with any other man, she later agreed that she has been sleeping around. We have been dating for a year and six months; since then she has slept with three separate guys that I know within this period. She promised to stop cheating on me but, to my greatest surprise, she confessed after so much pressures from me that she has been sleeping with one tailor close to her house since March this year. I am a 500 level medical student while she is an ND 1 student of a polytechnic. I even promised to marry her but I am confused. My question now is, is it right for me to marry a lady I cannot trust? To be fair to her, she told me from the beginning that she has trouble dating one man; that she dates about five men simultaneously. But she assured me she will be faithful to me when I entertained fear about her doing the same thing to me. But right now, my heart has been totally shattered. What do I do? I am seriously worried, it is affecting my academics. I will appreciate your response. Worried Boy Dear Worried Boy In life there are three kinds of people we meet. Some come to help us grow, others are simply spectators in our lives, they don’t leave much impact while others come to destroy us. Depending on how much value we place on our dreams and the reasons for the relationship, those in the third category are most of the time best flushed out the moment they manifest their true colours. Clearly from your account, this lady isn’t prepared to be in any serious relationship at all. Besides, she has a history that needs time and energy to decipher. Why would any woman concurrently date five men? Something must be wrong somewhere in her life. You need maturity and an understanding beyond what you currently have to handle her. The fact that you are bothered and allowing her behaviour get under your skin showcases you as one man who don’t have what it takes, at least for now to resolve her kind of problem. Frankly, it is either you learn not to take yourself too serious with this lady, thereby giving yourself some emotional respite from all the hurts her behaviour is inflicting on you or be man enough to walk away from it all. There is no change in her unless it comes from her heart. To continue to dwell on the behaviour of this lady is to put on yourself unnecessary emotional burden, not good for your educational pursuit. In your fifth year at medical school you need all the concentration to scale through. Sex for her is like a hobby. Unless you know why she doesn’t feel any remorse having sex with more than five men at the same period of time, you cannot help or change her. If you really love her and want to help, first make up your mind not to be affected by her conduct at all. This way you will have the right mind to tackle her. Once you make it your business, ask her what happened in her younger years. This is where the key to her change will come from. You have to drill through the layers of both remembered and almost forgotten memories to help her come to terms with the danger associated with her kind of lifestyle. Sincerely, she needs you more as a friend than a lover to help her come to full appreciation of her value as a woman. If you insist on being her lover, you may never have the emotional equilibrium to stay around her sufficiently to help her change for the better. You may have been planted into her life by God to change her positively. She needs constant talking to, help and prayers. Chances are that she doesn’t even know that she has a problem. Some come from physical reasons like abuse when young or through spiritual means. Once you are able to establish the source of her own problems, it would be easier for you to know what kind of help to offer. Whatever you do, be a good friend. Don’t allow her sense your anger and despair too much. This may be counter-productive for the kind of help you want to offer her. Chances are that no man has ever cared enough about her to want to offer her the kind of assistance you are prepared to. For the simple fact that it is unusual, she may react negatively at first but if you are persistent, she will eventually come to her senses enough to be responsible. The fact that she told you from the beginning about her person shows that she isn’t pretentious, a positive sign of a mind that is conscious of her problem. She may not know it, her admission may be a silent cry for help. But ensure whatever you do, you are not affected by her attitude. What you should do now is to call her for that personal discussion. It has nothing to do with her being unfaithful to you or not but more to do with her reason for the kind of life she is living. Good luck.

She wants to come back after cheating on me

Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the situation of heart brokenness caused me by the girl I love so much. There is this girl I met in 2009 when I was sitting for my West African Senior Secondary School Examinations. Immediately I saw her something strong moved in me. It was a kind of feeling I have never felt before. So I walked up to her to express my feelings for her. I kept disturbing her until she agreed to be my date. It took her four months to agree to my proposal. Overtime she became as much in love with me as I am with her. I spent a little time with her in the village before she left to stay with her mother in Rivers State. We kept in constant touch with each other. Over the years, I also noticed she didn’t toy with me. We however saw each other at Christmas seasons and was always happy to see me. A lot of people have been asking us to decide on the date and time of our wedding. However, things began to change early last year when I noticed she no longer called me as frequently as she used to. If I call her, she won’t pick my calls. Even when she sees my calls, she won’t return it. There was this particular day a guy answered her call and told me she wasn’t around. She didn’t bother to return my call for that day. So many things changed. But when we met last Christmas, she pretended nothing was amiss and displayed all the affections of the past years. She didn’t stay for the length of time she normally would have. Three days after she returned to Rivers State, I called her but she kept rejecting my calls. At a point, she simply switched off her phone. And when I kept disturbing her with calls, she told me she didn’t want me calling her again and that she wasn’t interested in the relationship again. I pleaded with her bit she refused. A week after, I called her but to my pains, the same man answered her phone. I had to ask the guy of his relationship with my girlfriend. He told me they were dating. I felt betrayed and my heart became heavy with sadness at her treatment of me. I left a message for her with him; that she should call me. She called me around 1:45 a.m. After discussing with her; she apologised because, I never cheated on her in the years that we dated. I ended the discussion by telling that I quit. The next day she called me and was crying and pleading for forgiveness and re-acceptance. She has also sent me several text messages calling her actions foolish and not knowing the value of what she has. She informed me that she has terminated the relationship with the other guy. She had also been pleading it will never happen and that she did it for the fun of it, not knowing it will tear us apart. She has been crying and begging me to accept her back since then. I really feel betrayed by her actions. I have also sworn not to ever date her again but there is nothing I can do about my love for her. I also know she really loves me. Please help me out. Should I go back to her because she has come to full realization of her mistakes and that I really love her or forget about her and move on with my life? Please your valued counsel is urgently needed. Simon. Dear Simon, Betrayal is associated with love. The two always go together. In addition, there is no relationship without its seasons of pains, joy and testimony. What often makes the difference is the quality of love that exists between the couple. One thing you must appreciate in a relationship especially in a long distant one; is the grace of God. Without it, a couple may find it almost impossible to be happy together. It is this grace that helps couples to see ahead of many situations they find themselves in. In some cases, it isn’t about who committed the worst crime but a combinations of all factors that created the situation in the first place. Sincerely, both of you are at fault in this relationship. Although she erred severely by going outside the relationship to date another man, you also left too many things to chance. We are not equally gifted with the same kind of emotional resistance. You happen to fall into the category of those whose resistance is very strong. It wasn’t wise on your part to assume she too can put up your kind of resistance. Don’t also forget that unlike the life of a man; that of the woman is limited by nature and staying with her mother, being around her friends in where she stays will put a certain kind of pressure on her. Nobody would take her serious about a relationship where the man has never visited her. You don’t live abroad; you live in Nigeria so why haven’t you taken time out to make yourself visible to her mother and friends in Rivers State? One thing is to talk about having a boyfriend who loves her so very much; another thing is for the boy to make an appearance in her life. Knowing how the mind of the average woman works, her friends and associates would have on several occasions wondered loudly and mockingly too about her absentee boyfriend and urged her to protect herself by accepting another man in her life. Their arguments would be hinged on the very common ones; do you know what he is up to? If he is as much in love with you as he claims, why hasn’t he bothered to come down here to see you? These are just examples of the kinds of pressures she might have gone through in the hands of her friends. If your love is strong enough to survive this, correct this mistake by taking time out to be with her. Seeing her in December only doesn’t amount to anything much. Both of you aren’t living in different countries. It won’t take you more than a day, to travel from your base to Rivers State at worst. Your presence there will not only serve to announce your love for her but underline your seriousness with her. Even if you stay with her for two days, it will erase any negative impression her family and friends might have nurtured in their minds. It will also afford the mother the opportunity of meeting and discussing with you. As for your worry on whether to take her back or not; it is yours to make because you are the one at the centre of it all. You are the one who knows what you feel for her and how strong the feelings are. However, in making this important decision, please consider these points. Can you trust her to be faithful to you? Will you be able to completely forgive and forget about the incident? One thing is to forgive; another thing is to forget. It is the forgetting part that tells how fast your relationship will heal from this. If you are unable to forget it, chances are you will never completely trust her even though, you love her. You will keep suspecting her every move to the extent you will never believe whatever she tells you especially concerning the nature of her relationship with any man. As it is, the relationship is stationary at that point you discovered her duplicity. Only your true forgiveness can jump start it. If you know it will be difficult for you to really forgive her, don’t make the mistake of taking her back because you will only end up really messing things up between the two of you. If you need time, be honest enough to tell her that you will need time to get the hurt out of your system before you can come back to her. Don’t allow her tears force you into a situation you know you cannot handle at least, for now. You need time to make the right decision. Just turn to God for His peace and comfort. One thing is for sure; if both of you are meant to be, you will find a way around it. Good luck.

Her friends are wayward

Dear Agatha, We recently moved homes to a new neighborhood and I noticed my wife’s new friends are the kinds of women who enjoy having extra marital affairs. As a matter of fact, one of them has approached me for a relationship. She called me on my phone, pretended she needed my assistance with her car which according to her broke down in a place not too far from my office. She said I was the only one she could call as her husband’s and mechanic numbers were not going through. She said she got my number from my wife because she knew from their conversation that my office wasn’t too far from where her car broke down. I had to discontinue with the meeting I was holding with members of my staff to help her. Indeed the car broke down but I soon discovered that the battery terminal was bad so, I had to call my driver to help her get a new one through our official mechanic. She thanked me and I thought that was all. I was very surprised when she came to the office an hour later with my driver to thank me. I had no choice to offer her lunch since it was already lunchtime. From the way she was looking at me, making her eyes, being a streetwise man, I knew she was up to something but I purposely ignored all the come on signs she was passing on. The next time she came was to invite me to lunch. She said she was in the neighbourhood and decided to pay me a visit. To cut the long story short, she actually invited me out for the purpose of having sex with her. I declined not because I am a saint but that she is married and a friend to my wife. She didn’t find it funny but I stood my grounds and threatened to report her conduct to her husband if she ever tried it again. This is why I don’t want my wife getting close to them. I know what such women are capable of. I still trust my wife but if she continues to keep the company of these women, it may spell doom to my marriage one of the things I dread the most in life. I went through a very horrible childhood as a result of the divorce of my parents. I don’t want my children going through it. I’m sending you this email because I trust your judgment. How do I make my wife understand me on this? The few times, I tried, she was very angry and quarreled with me. She said I don’t ever want her to mix with other women and that I am being unreasonable. I love my wife but fear for the future of our marriage if she keeps ignoring me. How best do I handle this rather delicate matter without causing problem in my marriage? My wife can be very unpredictable. In addition the more she exposes me to these women, the higher she exposes me to temptations since not all of them are married. Don. Dear Don, First, I want to appreciate your honesty. Not every man would exercise such restrain in the face of such temptation. This is the peg you need to make your wife listen. It is a simple case of either keeping her man and home or those new friends of hers. There are no two ways about it in this kind of situation. There is no relationship without its season of quarrels and making up. These are some of the things that give a relationship its distinct character and flavours. God never promised us a life without ups and downs. Simply because your parents went through divorce doesn’t mean you are heading for one when you take a stand on an important matter such as this. Reality demands that both of you must disagree to agree. Cocooning your relationship from going through all the stages of life will only make it more fragile and unable to stand the test of time. Your wife isn’t a fool. There is no way she would prefer her new friends to her husband and home. Many a time the problem is usually in the presentation of an issues. From her responses to your attempts to introduce this subject, it is clear that you both have had issues before on whether she should keep friends or not. Ensure, you clear that backlog first if you want her to appreciate the actuality of the new threat to her marriage. Perhaps, you have never really made her to appreciate everything you went through as a child. This is perhaps the time to share deep family secrets you have never told her before. She must know how deep the sores you carried from your childhood into adulthood. Many a time, the things we run away from are the very things that hunt us in our later years. There is no way she can appreciate your fears if you don’t tell her. Don’t neglect the fact that she wasn’t there when all that happened to you. And if she isn’t from a broken home, had always enjoyed the comfort and support of her parents, it would be almost impossible for her to appreciate your fears. By helping her to understand you better; you open your marriage to greater understanding and possibilities. Nobody likes to be given unreasonable orders, which is precisely what you are doing by telling her to discontinue with a group of friends you must braide her with a reason. Unarguably, these friends are not the kind of women she should have as friends but, asking her not to be their friends without concrete evidences of why she shouldn’t be, will not serve any purpose at all. She is an adult, your wife, a mother and person who has graduated from taking orders from her parents to one who is also in that position of giving orders. To have you make decisions for her as if she is still in the kindergarten class, is wrong. Marriage is about two people reasoning together and finding common ground in the process of argument and disagreement. Once she understands the premise you are coming from; that it isn’t to deny her of her fundamental rights of free association, she will listen to you. You must also appreciate that the bad friends are the ones with all the interesting ingredients to make her relax and feel loved in their presence. Frankly, this does present a new bouquet of challenges to the spouse who sees ahead of the danger. Because they appear more exciting and fun to be with, she will naturally want to protest and in the process brand you a joy killer. If you don’t handle it with care and love, you risk making her defiant and blind to the inherent dangers ahead. It is only after you have convinced her of your true intentions; appreciate your person that you can now talk about her new friends. Even at that, don’t go directly into it. First, find out from her who her new friends really are beyond the picture they present her. Ask her if she knows what they are into; their views on monogamy and faithfulness to their spouses. Find out what she finds interesting about them and if she envies their kind of lifestyles. You have to know how far she is into them to know how best to break her free from their hold. To introduce the subject begin by agreeing with her on the things you find are true about her new friends; say this without bias before telling her about your encounter with the particular one that came to your office and what she did. Assure her you have nothing against her having friends but she must be mindful of the kind of friends she keeps and that she must appreciate her role as a mother and wife in whatever decision she takes. This way, you are pushing the decision to her to settle for what is important to her the most. And since it doesn’t appear to be an order, she will gladly do what you want with the most minimal complaints. Every issue in marriage requires wisdom to tackle. Good luck.

I prefer my brother-in-law to my husband

Dear Agatha, I am 28 and married with a child. I got married to the brother of my best friend’s husband. I did this because of how responsible and respectful my friend’s husband is. He is caring, thoughtful and very much of a family man. He is always there for his wife and children and has never lifted his finger against his wife. This made me very determined to marry into his family. With the help of my friend, a meeting was arranged between his immediate brother and I. At the end of the day, we got married. About three weeks into the marriage, I discovered the only thing he has in common with his brother is the surname they share. He is world apart from him. He is disrespectful, unfaithful and irresponsible. By the time I was six months pregnant, he has started beating me, calling me names like ugly, amoeba and pig. I didn’t know what to do anymore since reporting him to his brother didn’t make any much difference. If anything, it only made him worse. The birth of our daughter appeared to touch him in a very special way because he changed and became more responsible. His mother died about a month to the birth of our daughter. Right from her first moment on earth, she looked like her, even having the same beauty spot at the left of her lips like my late mother in law. My husband being particularly close to his mother said, she reincarnated in our daughter. In the early days, he took care of our daughter, always changing her diapers, making her food and taking turns to care for her at night. I was happy but when the baby clocked a year, he changed again giving the excuse that I am taking him for granted. Although he isn’t as bad as he was but he is a far cry from his brother. In all honesty, I envy my friend so much and would have done anything to have her own husband. Whenever I am with them, I wish and crave for her husband and wonder at her luck at having him to herself. How can my husband be like hers? How can I make him responsible? Yetty. Dear Yetty, Your preoccupation with your friend’s marriage and home is very dangerous and that could topple the harmony of the entire family. It is unhealthy to yearn after that which belongs to another person. This man isn’t just your best friend’s husband but also your brother-in-law. Therefore, what you find appealing about him must be buried and forgotten by you in the interest of everybody. Your husband can never be like your friend’s husband. This is because they are both unique in their ways and have different attitudes to issues despite being brothers. Not even identical twins have the same attitude and behavior to issues. So why do you think your husband must be like his brother? What makes you think his brother is better than him? The truth here is, you are too fixed on your friend’s husband to have time for your own home and husband. Though you didn’t say it, not only are you jealous of your friend’s husband to the exclusion of everything else, you are unconsciously in love with him the very reason your husband appears to be irritating you. Even if he changes to be the most perfect man in the world, you will still find something to complain about him because your mind isn’t really in tune with his. A wise woman would have used the opportunity provided by the semblance of her daughter to her late mother-in-law to win over her husband, change him for the best and create a happy ambiance in her home. Your home is your garden. If you fail to cultivate it very well as a woman and wife, you will never have the presence of mind to relax in it because you will forever be looking at the garden of another woman and wishing for the greenness of her garden. If your husband is violent, irresponsible and rude, have you bothered to find out why he is everything his brother isn’t? Have you stopped to wonder at the efforts your friend puts into making her husband so perfect? The attitude of your husband could be a mirror of your neglect of him. A perfect marriage is a product of sacrifices, resilience and determination of the couple. To get you to pay attention to his person, your husband might be saying all those things out of frustration. If your friend’s home is happy, it is simply that she has taken time out to study her husband’s needs, likes and is doing everything that makes him happy. Once a man finds that kind of woman, he would do everything to ensure she is happy because she compliments him perfectly. It is pure foolishness on your part to continue to envy the home of your friend while leaving yours to wither. If you don’t know how to start, call your friend aside to ask her for useful tips on how to earn the trust of your man and have peace in your home. Your husband didn’t drop from heaven. If he were as useless as you painted him, the changes you noticed in him when you gave birth to your daughter is indicative of his ability and capacity to be a loving, considerate husband and father. The question, is can you reciprocate those considerations? Can you create the kind of happiness your friend has fashioned in her home? To do that, you must first appreciate the extra-ordinary qualities of your husband. Without devoting time to studying him outside the cast of his brother, you will never find out anything about him. The result is that you will continue to ascribe to him all the faults in the marriage and in the process destroy every hope of your marriage becoming ideal. He too is clearly not happy in the house. You may not know it; but he could also be regretting his decision to marry you especially as you appear to be spending all your time day dreaming about a man who is married and is, from all indices happy with his own family. One thing you must appreciate about marriage is this; no two marriages can ever be alike. Even if you marry your brother-in-law, you will never have the same kind of results he is achieving with your best-friend. The reason is for this is the chemistry of attraction between two persons. You are just you and he is also himself. You can never emit the kind of chemical reactions your friend emits to his own kind of chemistry. This makes your craving for him useless and uncalled for. Beyond your animate desire to marry into the family of your best friend is, the matter of the attraction between you and your husband the day you first met. Something sparked for a marriage to have happened between the two of you. For now, that should be enough for you to work on. Ask your friend to find out from her husband what kinds of food sappealed to your husband when he was young. Make the attempt to cook it for him as a way of breaking the ice between the two of you. Once you are able to create the right atmosphere in your home, log on to frank conversation to clear up all the nagging issues between the two of you. Lead him to talk as sincerely as possible his disappointments with you and the marriage. Remember, not to take offence at whatever he says if you want to be happy in your home too. Be a wise and determined woman who is ready to grow her home in love and respect. Where you are wrong, apologise to him with the promise never to make him unhappy again. If he apologises, all well and good; if he doesn’t, don’t push him to. Overtime, he would, in the different ways men tell their women, they are sorry. Every man likes to be pampered by his woman; given attention as well as respect. This man is the reason you are in that home so give him all the attention he needs if you want to get the best out of him always and have a home like that of your friend. Above all, enthrone God as the head of your home; this way, you will never go wrong. Good luck.

My husband is having an affair

Dear Agatha, I will be 49 next month. I last saw my period six months ago. Before it stopped, my periods were so heavy, nothing was holding me longer than an hour. I was changing practically every 30 minutes. It was so bad, my husband had to take me to see the doctor who said, it was very normal with some women. Immediately, after that passed, I began to feel my womb popping up. I was so scared I had to rush off to see the doctor again. After examination, he said nothing was wrong that my reproductive system was simply shutting down. I didn’t like the word, shutting down because it meant as a woman I was no longer useful. I also started having hot flushes and losing weight. Initially I was happy because it meant looking trim and more fashionable. But in recent times, I have noticed the appearance of more wrinkles on my face, especially around my neck, mouth and eyes areas. But all these are not as worrisome as the impact of this phase on my sex life. I have become so dry, that making love is very painful. My husband and I have tried using Vaseline to make it smoother for me but it ends up hurting me badly. And from the look of things, he isn’t finding all these funny. Severally, I have heard him grumbling when he thinks I am not near, but when he senses I am watching him, he pretends all is well. As a result, I hate making love. My husband who is quite adventurous, has already started having an affair. I know because I have seen him with this lady about twice. I don’t want to lose him because this is the time I need my marriage the most. I have asked several friends on how they coped or are coping. All my friends pretend they don’t have any problem with it or haven’t hit the menopause mark. I really don’t know who to turn to for help. Even my mother I tried to get help from, terrified me the more. She actually told me it was a taboo for a woman who has reached menopause to have sex with her man again. She said I should turn a blind eye to whatever my husband was doing with another woman; that I should be contented with caring for him and the children. I have tried to read about menopause in the media, but it seems nobody wants to discuss it. I am really getting very frustrated because apart from my doctor who keeps assuring me that I will be fine, all I get are blank stares from friends and relatives. I want my husband back but how do I make him come back when, each time he comes near me, I become frigid? Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, There is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. It is a phase every woman is expected to pass through. There is no escaping from it. Like the menstrual years, it comes with some discomfort but these are things that can be managed. Menopause means the loss of estrogen which often than not leads to changes in a woman’s sexual drive and functions. The reason for this is that with loss of estrogen, blood supply to her anatomy is reduced which affects her lubrication. This naturally causes the area to be very dry making sex painful like the kind you are currently experiencing. Unfortunately, lower estrogen is not the only reason behind depreciating sexual performance in some middle aged women. Other factors include, bladder control problems; some women experience increased bladder movement, sleeping disturbances, stress, depression like you are experiencing. The more worried you are, the more complex the situation becomes. You have to let go of your worries and anxiety to improve your condition. Even if your husband decides to date all the women around him, learn to look the other way if you really want him back in your life. Although there are no guarantees for treating women with menopausal sexual challenges, estrogen replacement is an option; it makes intercourse less painful as it helps retain moisture in the vaginal area. Discuss with your gynaecologist. Frankly, this isn’t time for you to be shy to converse with your doctor. For now, your doctor should be your best friend. Let him refer you to those who are trained to deal with middle aged woman going through menopausal crisis. In the meantime, vaginal dryness can be treated with water-soluble lubricants like astroglide or K-Y Jelly. The use of Vaseline, a non-water soluble in addition to weakening the materials used in the manufacture of condom also encourage the growth of bacteria in the vaginal area. Using water based lubricants will definitely help you maintain moisture, long enough for you and your husband to have a normal love life. You will need the help and support of your husband to scale this hurdle. You definitely need more foreplay and attention than before. To get your husband to help you, you must first accept the fact that certain things have to change from the way you have done them in the past. More than women, this knowledge affects men more and is enough to make some men panic sufficiently to want to test their virility with younger women. This is the time men get more vain; are more afraid of losing their vibrancy than women. Therefore, you have to be very patient to bring him back home to you. Having lived with you till this moment, the chances of dumping you for a younger woman is slim. No man at this age wants to start nappies and crying babies. Like you, he is looking forward to being a grandfather but just that the male ego wants some excitement to assure him that no matter the age of a man, he remains productive. What has changed is that you can no longer make babies but you can still look good, sexy and imaginative. My mother once told me it is called the wisdom years of a woman. In every true sense, you are wiser now, more mature and able to handle just about any challenge thrown at you. Besides, this phase takes away your monthly worries of applying caution. No matter how many times you do it now, there is no getting pregnant. It is one worry off your shoulders. The result is a more relaxed and matured approach to the whole concept of lovemaking. Nothing you do or say anymore is forbidden or seen as strange. Therefore to get him back, you must dig deep into your bag of experiences and fantasies. He can no longer ask you questions about how you came about the knowledge of lovemaking. When he is at home, nothing stops both of you from watching an adult film. It would help relax you sufficiently for both of you to enjoy intimacy. Sometimes, visuals have a way of making it happen for the woman who lacks initiative of her own. Adult books too also give wonderful ideas to help the middle aged woman keep afloat. It will also help educate you on the positions that will help reduce the discomfort of deep penetration. For the sake of both of you, it is essential you control the depth of penetration. You also have to keep working on your appearance. That you are in your menopausal years shouldn’t stop you from looking good. Like an old wine, experienced women can actually look better than younger women. The trick is to carve your own fashion statement. Look for cuts that flatter without making you appear to be struggling to stay young. It is a simple matter of learning to wear your age like an underwear. If you feel comfortable in pant trousers, look for the matured cut; compliment with blouses that cover up the body but are very feminine. Ensure when he is at home, he finds a friend in you; one who has the ability to help him grow, recover from whatever kind of stress he is going through. Make attempts to bring back those wonderful and early years; reminiscence over the early years, when the children started coming as well as what you hope to do later. At every point, make it interesting, something to look forward to. Since all the children are now grown up, take your husband on a holiday. The magic is to learn how to fall in love again. With it comes a sense of excitement; the kind that gives sex a new meaning and helps you relax. Age is an attitude. Be determined that this isn’t the end of your life. Good luck.

I’m pregnant for the brother of my child’s father

Dear Agatha, I once dated his younger brother while we were studying abroad. I actually had a child for him which we both agreed to put up for adoption because we were at that time ill-equipped to take on the responsibility of caring for a child. Along the line, we had to part ways when he met an ‘akata’ woman who could give him the kind of security he wanted to remain in United States. I had to move on to another country; Canada: when I got the opportunity to. I came back to the country to start a new life. During a friend’s birthday, I met this man who I got talking to. One thing led to another and we eventually started dating. Even though something about his surname sounded familiar but at 40, I considered myself lucky to attract such a man so didn’t bother to probe him or his family. Being desperate, I immediately set about getting pregnant. Luckily, I was able to get pregnant six months after our meeting. I waited for five months before telling him about the pending baby to avoid him asking me to abort the child. I am blessed with a good physic so he didn’t know I was in the family way at all. When I eventually told him, he protested my pregnancy insisting we never discussed it especially as he has a family. He said our relationship wasn’t meant to last forever but I ignored him and made my way to see his parents confident no sane person would ask me to terminate an almost six months pregnancy. It was while I was there that his younger brother walked in. I didn’t know he was back from the United States let alone aware he is the younger brother of my unborn child’s father. His presence erased any hope of the family accepting me as the second wife of their eldest son. They practically threw me out when they discovered I had a child for their younger son. They said it was abomination in their family for two brothers to sleep with the same woman let alone have children by her. They said, they didn’t want curse upon their family hence told me to go and remove the child inside of me to avoid the repercussion of having children for two brothers. They also said, if I decide to keep the child, it would be my decision, not theirs since they will never have anything to do with me and my child for life. This is why I need your help desperately. I don’t know what to do. If I give birth to this child, there is no guarantee that the father’s family will ever welcome the child. Though there is a clause in the adoption paper that we signed that when the child is 18, she will get to know who her biological parents are. How do I explain to the world that I bore my two children to two brothers? On the other hand, I am getting advanced in age by the standards of a woman’s reproductive years. What assurances that I will ever get pregnant again? I am so confused as to the path to take in my situation. Please help me as a part of me wants to keep this baby because I need it to ensure this man comes back into my life; a baby to bargain with in my latter years should in case no man comes for my hand in marriage again. Please help me. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, Abortion is certainly out of the question. Whatever the consequences are, you are not allowed to take the life of that baby because you didn’t create it. You ran ahead of your legs by getting pregnant for a man you knew had a wife and who didn’t discuss you getting pregnant for him. You thought you could use the baby to trap him into marrying you; unfortunately you thought wrongly as there was never an agreement between the two of you that you were going to have a baby for him or he; marry you as his second wife. If you weren’t that desperate to marry at all cost, you should have investigated the similarities in the name of both men. This would have saved you the embarrassment of sleeping with two brothers and going to the extent of being pregnant for both of them. The choice before you is a very difficult one. This might be the last chance you have of being a mother; nobody can predict correctly what one’s destiny is in life. It gets to a point in life when one just must go against conventions and do what is right in the situatioπn one finds oneself. You have found yourself in one of those circumstances where you must tow the path of honour irrespective of what the world thinks of you. What should matter to you now is how you judge yourself at the end of the day. If you end up not having a child in life, how would you feel especially seeing your friends, siblings in company of their children? How can you terminate a pregnancy that is this advanced? You will only end up jeopardizing your own life in the process and even if you survive it, what about the state of your womb? At 40, your womb is aging and having gone through some experiences, might not be able to recover from the ordeal of an abortion. So why compromise your womb and life in the process of ending this pregnancy? At 40, you are not too young to have a baby; after all you must have thought it out thoroughly before embarking on this journey of deceit so why are you hesitant to continue what you started out with? Wasn’t this what you wanted? To have a baby for this man? The only difference here is that he won’t be around to help you with this baby as you planned. Only the living, tell tales or care for a child. Don’t forget that this child has a right to life just like you so, begin to plan for it as soon as possible because the task ahead of you is a difficult one; the kind that requires so much wisdom and determination to win. If the paternal family has rejected it, you as the mother cannot. The child is your responsibility to care for because you owe it life, care and love. The fact that you didn’t intentionally sleep with the two brothers is enough reason for you to go on. Even though you had the feelings, given the similarities in their names, you met them differently and had no way of knowing they were brothers. No matter what, always remember and never take it out on the child. As for the curse, once you anchor your faith in God, holding Him to every word He has spoken concerning you, you will overcome at the end of the day. You won’t be the first woman to find herself in this kind of mess but since you didn’t sleep with the two brothers intentionally, your case is understandable. Your only fault here is, your cunningness to entrap the man into a marriage he didn’t bargain for. You knew he was not in search for a second wife. Even if he wanted a second wife, you still should have discussed the issue of pregnancy with him before getting pregnant. Besides, at your age, you ought to know that there is more to marriage than a boy meeting a girl. As for the child you gave up for adoption at birth, it might not be so easy to get her back so this child might just be all that you have at the end of the day. Good luck.

I caught my cousin in bed with my wife

Dear Agatha, I dated my former girlfriend for six years. From the very first day I met her at a party organized for Jambites, I fell in love with her. She was different from all the girls I have ever met. I convinced her to date me and that was how we started. I loved her with every fiber of my body. I actually deflowered her and she had become known to everybody in my family. I graduated before her. I was two years ahead of her. Trouble started when she went to serve in Kano. She met my cousin there and through him I got to know she was having an affair with a commissioner in the State. I was so disappointed, I didn’t bother to give her a chance to explain or deny the allegations. I sent her an SMS, not to bother coming to my house again. I changed the lock just to make she doesn’t gain entrance into the house. When my parents got to know what happened, they pleaded with me to hear her out. I forbade them from ever discussing her with me. My eldest sister in London also advised me not to listen to that particular cousin because of his antecedent. I also turned down her counsel. Even when I was told she was carrying my baby, I denied responsibility. There was nothing my parents didn’t say but I maintained my stance. I didn’t know what happened to her after the day she came to my office and I disgraced her. Through the same cousin, I met and married my current wife within a year of leaving my ex. My father prevented us from going beyond the traditional wedding. He kept giving one excuse or the other to prevent us from going to the registry or church. Thank God I listened to him on that because my so called wife, I caught in bed with my cousin who later confessed that jealousy made him to frame my ex who he tried to date. I later discovered that with the help of my parents, my ex and our son, relocated to England to stay with my eldest sister for a while before she got her own apartment. The problem is, she is refusing to have anything to do with me and my wife is refusing also to let go of me pointing at me as being responsible for the pregnancy she claims she has. Please help me resolve this mess I am in. There is no way I can accept the pregnancy of a woman I caught in bed with another man. And I don’t know what to do to make my ex and child come back to me. The worst thing is that none of my family members appear interested in helping me to talk to her. My parents in particular say since I refused to listen to them at the beginning of this problem, I should find how to make her listen to me and resolve the issue of my cousin and wife. My parents can be very difficult when they choose to be. Please help me, Agatha. Phillips. Dear Phillips, The first thing is to settle the issue of the woman in your house. What do you intend to do with her and the pregnancy? Despite what she did, there is a possibility that you could be the father of her unborn child. No matter what, that child should not be made to suffer on account of what the mother did to you. Granted the fact that you caught her in bed with another man is enough reason for you to insist that you don’t want to have anything to do with her and that child but consider how you would feel if at the end of the day you are indeed the father of the child. For this reason, exercise some patience. Good enough modern technology can determine the paternity of a child easily these days. There is nothing patience cannot do; the very reason you found yourself in this mess. Had you been patient, listened to your parents and sister, you would have given your ex, the chance to explain herself rather than deny her and the child. This is what is threatening to play itself out again. Another innocent child’s life and future hangs in the balance as a result of this same manipulative cousin of yours. The truth is, if you don’t clear this mess your lack of patience created, you will never be happy with your ex by the time she comes back. You must be able to give her a detailed picture of what she is coming back to. For instance, if after giving her the impression that you don’t have a child from this marriage and tomorrow, this child whose paternity is now in dispute turns out to be yours, what kind of story will you be telling her? This is in addition to what is appearing to becoming a pattern in your life. You should work hard at ensuring it doesn’t persist beyond this point. Since she is claiming the pregnancy is yours, continue to offer her accommodation until she puts to bed. You can leave the room for her or find a place to hang out until the issue is completely resolved. Even though you both didn’t marry in the church or registry, under the native laws and customs, you are married hence must first take steps to dissolve the marriage by asking her to return the bride price you paid on her. It is only then, you can be free to move on with your ex or another woman you might find attractive. But in all these you must be careful not to advertise your intentions to your wife else she would make life very miserable by refusing to vacate your life despite whatever you saw. A woman who can have the guts to sleep with your cousin in your house cannot be dismissed with a wave of the hand. She can make life very miserable for you if you push her too hard. Like I said earlier, be patient and learn from this situation. As for your ex, she will eventually change her mind once your family members agree to talk to her. Your parents are determined to teach you a lesson; one of learning to look beyond what people say about those close to you. You simply have to keep pushing and begging your ex for forgiveness. If possible, find time to visit her in England to see her and your child. Your presence can make a lot of difference in all these. Frankly, this isn’t something you can settle through telephone conversation because you hurt her deeply. For a woman you deflowered and couldn’t defend her in time of need, falls short of the trust expected of you. A lot of trust went into her decision to open up her body to you. That simple act should have informed the decision you took especially as she didn’t give you any reason to doubt her in the six years you dated her. Doubtless, what your cousin said about her affair with a commissioner was enough to annoy you but you should have controlled your reactions by going down to Kano to find out and confront her with the allegation. Relationship flowers under trust. From your reactions, you didn’t act like a man who loved his woman. Love and trust go hand in hand. At least you should have given her a chance to explain herself; the relationship between her and the commissioner. That you didn’t do any of these is why she is acting this way. The issue you also have to convince her about is, would you have come looking for her if you didn’t discover your cousin and wife in bed together? This would be the toughest part of your quest to get her back. Whether you like it or not, this question will have to be answered by you before she might agree to come back. So search your mind properly and convince your family members of your true need of this woman in your life. At the end of the day, the involvement of your family members will definitely make her change her mind provided she isn’t already involved with someone who really appreciates her than you. Good luck.

I want to die because I’m ugly

Dear Agatha, I am frustrated, unhappy and inclined towards suicide. Right from the beginning of my life, classmates and so called friends have called me ugly. Not even my siblings want to be seen with me because of my looks. The only people who are my friends, are my parents and two of my childhood friends who never joined all the others to pronounce me ugly. Throughout my university days, I didn’t have any serious date. The few that came my way, I ignored because I knew they wanted my body. There was one, a very popular boy then who wanted to be my friend. I knew he just wanted to mock me like most boys back then so I drove him away. I am 29 years now. My younger sister, my chief tormentor got married two years ago; the one following her got married two Saturdays ago I want everything a young woman wants but I have no man in my life because I am too ugly. My ugliness drove me into eating junks just to be happy. Now I have also added a lot of weight. I want to be happy. Agatha, my life is miserable that I feel ending it all would be a good solution. Sometimes I wonder why God created me this way. Why are others pleasing to the eyes and I not? I am not supposed to be his image? He isn’t ugly so why did he create me ugly? It hurts when my sisters and their friends gossip about my looks behind me. Even though my mother and the few friends keep telling me I am beautiful, that I have a good heart, the best smile, eyes and manner, I know they are trying to make me happy. I just want someone to talk to and I know you have a compassionate heart through your replies to problems people share with you. Thanks for the opportunity to share this with you. Ronke. Dear Ronke, Your letter brought tears to my eyes and I felt really bad when I discovered I had deleted your contact after downloading your story. It would have been a real privilege to have you bestow that wonderful smile of yours on me. I wonder what you mean by being ugly. Everything God created is wonderful and represents a part of Him. No man or woman created by God is ugly or a mistake. We are each wired with a part of Him. Anyone who therefore condemns you is condemning the one who created you and gave you the features people are today branding ugly. Don’t ever forget that. God never makes a mistake and always have a particular reason for doing things in a particular way. Besides, only those who survive life’s stormy ride can truly appreciate the essence of God. This is because life is itself a jungle of the good, bad and ugly. Trust me. you don’t need friends or family members who are sightless and insensitive. You are better off without all these people around you. A friend’s worth is measured by the amount of support he or she is willing to offer his or her friend. Besides, it is also wrong to premise your happiness on the views and attitude of other people. That is giving them too much power over your life. You have as much right to be happy as they have because you are also the child of God like they are. So why bother yourself with what a person like you thinks about you? Why give them authority to define when you are to be happy or not? Why make yourself miserable simply because of someone’s twisted definition of what beauty is? Stop arming your enemies with more weapons to hurt you. Like I said, life is a jungle and everyone is looking for ways to survive in it. Some people specialize in putting others down to get up; while there are others positioned to help people stand up. The latter group is the one you should look for; people God has positioned in your life to help you colour it with the best and brightest colours. There are no absolutes when it comes to the definition of beauty or ugliness. A lot of time, it depends on the perception of who is interpreting. If someone who is vain, lacks depth and frivolous; is defining beauty, chances are the person will talk about physical beauty while a more matured and practical minded person will give emphasis to that inner and everlasting kind of beauty. The beauty that never ages, fades or goes askew. This is the kind that you have; one that is ever lasting. There are different kinds of beauty; one that is loud and could be ruined with the wrong attitudes and character. This is generally classified as perishable beauty. It doesn’t last at all because the person lacks the inner strength and wisdom to carry it into full maturity. There are those who are beautiful inside and outside; who don’t bargain, oppress or insult others with their beauty. There are those whose beauty are like light, they practically glow from inside, radiate hope and offer instant encouragement to those going through tough situations in life. These are the people with the real beauty. This is the category you fall into. They have priceless hearts and are often the kinds of people others entrust with their lives. You have been unable to realize who you really are because you silhouette yourself in the views of others. This is why you think you are unworthy of the attention of a good looking man; that no man wants you for who you are but what he can get from you. Sincerely, you haven’t been fair to yourself and all those men who offered to be your friend. You acted like all those people with attitude problem. There is nothing wrong with you except what you have allowed yourself to think. Rather than give them something to talk about by killing yourself, follow your dream and work on your self esteem. Begin by discovering who you are. There are many people out there like me, who turned life’s disadvantages to advantages. Today, I am a counselor because of the challenges I experienced in my marriage early in life. A lot of people mocked me when I first started this page but I refused to be cowed by their nuisances because I knew they cannot live my life for me. I have every reason to thank God for entrusting me with something so priceless. Today, I am a very happy and fulfilled woman and my husband, the best in the world. I couldn’t have asked for someone better. Had I listened to the crowd then, I would have missed it all; rested this page and hide forever. There is no one without a story to tell or challenge of some sorts. The trick is to stand and ask yourself this important question: who did God sort permission from before creating you? If He didn’t, why are you seeking the approval and permission of others to be happy? You are too much of a good thing to waste away simply because some people want to play God in your life. Get out of that sorry chair of yours, shake off the excess fat you don’t need and put on that enduring smile of yours to announce to the world that you are ready to take your place. Shove aside those sisters of yours: with sisters like that; you don’t need enemies in your life. Do the same thing with those people who think being physically beautiful is everything. Always remember the world doesn’t pay attention or bother with people who have no future. The fact that people are going out of their way to ensure you never remember to be happy means, they know you have something extra special which they don’t want you to discover. If you kill yourself, you will only be serving their purpose; so perish the thoughts of suicide from your mind. Instead, create and define your happiness by going into what you like to do best. If you have forgotten what your dreams are, take a trip down memory lane; to that time when you wanted to be something. It is a simple matter of self discovery. Once you key into it, you will discover how beautiful and exciting life can be. Please, if you are in Lagos, do come to our corporate office to pay me a visit. I really want to be part of your life. Good luck.

What can I do to have him back in my arms?

I have been married for four years. Ordinarily my husband is caring and responsible but since I married him, he has persistently done certain things that are beginning to make me wonder if he thinks of me at all. He has never remembered my birthday let alone, buy me gifts. But I have never failed to remember his birthdays and proceed to buy him gifts. I wouldn’t have minded if he also doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays. Since we became parents, there is nothing concerning his children special days, he doesn’t remember. He not only remembers but also makes it a family celebration. He would take time out to take us all out. He also remembers his mother’s birthdays. He never fails too to give me more than enough money to buy her presents. Whenever I ask why it is only my birthdays, he forgets, he would mumble something about being too busy. Although he would bring my gift the next day, but then it wont be my birthday gift-more of apology gift. Since he has consistently treated my birthday as a none issue in the last couple of years, I deliberately forgot his as well and his mother’s to show him how it feels not to be remembered by the one you love the most in the world. The fact, I forgot his mother’s birthday is now causing so much problems in our home; more than I bargained for. Since June, he has refused to talk to me; he says I am wicked and uncaring. He also described me as being cruel to his mother. The fact that he knew I did it deliberately is what is making him very angry. I am fed up of everything and just want my husband back but is making peace between us impossible to negotiate. He only talks to me when there are people around or his children are with us. In the bedroom, he sleeps on a small mattress he bought for his study room. When I make attempts to touch him, he pushes me off him; he hasn’t looked my way since the incident. I can’t continue like this. What can I do to have him back in my arms? I love him so much. Eyiwunmi. Dear Eyiwunmi, Beg him! Two wrongs can never be right. So what if he forgets your birthday? How many men remember their wives’ birthdays? You are not his child so why should he remember your birthday the way he remembers those of his children? If he doesn’t remember his children’s birthdays, who will? He remembers his children special days because he helped to create them. There is no way he ever forgets the anxiety of bringing them into the world. Therefore it is natural for him to always remember those days just as your father remembered yours while you were still at home. He will also not forget his mother’s birthday because of the history they shared together. No matter the position you now occupy in his life, his relationship with his mother predates yours and can never be replaced by you. No matter your anger against your husband, you should never have taken it out on his mother. You were wrong to exhibit such a behaviour towards a woman who gave birth to the man you love most in the world. The fact that she trained him to be caring and responsible like you said, should that be a reason for you to always show appreciation to her? Besides, she deserves every attention she can get at her age. How would you feel if the wife of your son stops him from celebrating you in your old age? She has worked to be where your husband is today so don’t ever begrudge whatever he spends on her or the quality of attention he bestows on her. It is her right, her moment to reap what she sowed years back. The fact that he has ignored you for almost two months after the incident happened, explains his hurt and disappointment at your conduct. You have been married to this man for four years and should have known issues very close to his heart. There is no way, you will live with someone for a year and not know the values of such a person. Even if you wanted to pay him back in his coins, you should have chosen to his own birthday to do that, not his mother’s. It isn’t as if his mother is supporting him to ignore your birthday. In addition, the fact that he always comes back home with gifts the day after your birthday shows that he isn’t completely indifferent to your birthday. Not many men would even think it appropriate to buy an apology gift as you call it for their wives after her birthday. Marriage is about accepting the limitations of the other person and appreciating the person’s strength. Besides, wisdom demands that certain issues be tackled with diplomacy. As a wife and mother, you must at all times find a balance in your dealings with your family members. Had you used either his own birthday or his children’s to drive home your point, he wouldn’t have taken it to heart the way he is taking your actions against his mother. Now he thinks you don’t like his mother at all. It will take you quite an effort to make him see reasons with you, make him forget that you can be mean to his mother. Since he is very close to his mother, she is the only one that can settle this matter. You may not like the idea of going to her but at the point your marriage has gotten to now, you need to do something very urgently. The more you sleep apart the more danger you expose your home and family. He is angry and very vulnerable to the manipulation of a crafty woman. This is a dangerous gulf you must not allow to continue. If it means telling his mother everything, do it fast. Men aren’t as patient when it comes to the issue of intimacy. You may be able to endure it but, he wont be able for too long. There are too many attractive women out there for you to ignore the real danger this situation presents to your home. In soliciting for her assistance, apologise for deliberately forgetting her birthday. Tell her the truth and why you thought it was a good idea then. As a woman, she would understand the sentiments of your action especially if you have never had any issue with her before. Follow this by trying to win him back with the pleasant memories of your life together before this unfortunate incident. Cook him his favourite meal, the kind you know he can’t resist. Make sure his children are up and waiting for him when he comes back. Since he can’t resist his children, he would be forced to eat the meal. Use that opportunity to touch him, whisper your apologies into his ears, bathe in your most seductive perfume. For once, ignore the children while you commence your wooing game. Present him with the best gift you know he likes; go into the bedroom to wear one of your most sinful nightgowns; the kind no sane man can resist. The idea is to get him to touch you. I am sure once you are able to break into his wall of defence, getting him to listen to your apologies won’t be that difficult anymore. If you need to use an adult film to water down his stubborn resistance, do it provided you achieve your aim of getting him back in your bed and arms. After that go on your knees to properly say sorry to him. If your wish is to have him celebrate your birthday, make sure you start reminding him about a month to the time. Begin a countdown process; on the day, wake him up with a kiss reminding him that you are glad to be alive. Order a cake for the family; plus a special meal. This way, he can’t but remember to get you something special. There are always better alternatives to every situation as long as we are willing to apply our minds to these alternatives. Always place God on your front burner. Good luck