They’re against my choice of woman

Dear Agatha, I stay with my elder brother who doesn’t talk or discuss anything with me. He doesn’t know how I feed, cloth or survive. I am always very sad because I am not in school like my mates. It isn’t as if I don’t desire to further my education but, I lack the means as well as the support of my siblings too. Where I work, I am paid N25,000. I plan to leave my brother’s place since everybody thinks he is helping me, when he isn’t it. My salary is too small for me to do anything tangible with. Out of this money, I feed, cloth and transport myself. At the end of the day, there is nothing left. One day, I met this lady through the internet. She was then living in Kano. We got talking and exchanged numbers. Along the line she told me she would be coming to Lagos to visit her mother; initially she declined my request that we meet; but later agreed and we met for the first time. I fell in love with her. We exchanged information about our lives. I discovered she is a soldier. When I told her about my plight as well as desire to further my education, she agreed to support me through school and gave me N5, 000.00 to buy a form so I could go back to school. She made me promise not to disappoint her like the guy she was dating before she met me did. She later got a transfer to Lagos. At a point, she wanted us to live together after her visit to my place but I explained to her that the place belonged to my brother so she put up at her mother’s place during the time it took the military authority to get her a place. She was eventually given a two bedroom flat. Finally I gained admission and we are planning getting married despite my not having money. She is 26 while I am 28. When my sister saw her for the first time, she complained that she was too old for me. My brother too is also very annoyed at my plans and my sleeping in the girl’s house. My people are totally against me marrying her, not withstanding the fact that since meeting her, a lot of things have changed positively for me. When we were writing exams, I begged my brother for N3, 000.00; he refused; it was this girl that gave me the money. Now that we are planning a formal introduction, I am not sure any member of my family will support it because I don’t have anything. I am very positive they won’t support my living with her in the barracks; they don’t even know she is a soldier. The question is, is it right for me to live with her in the barracks? She won’t allow me use my money to pay rent, even if I have when she has a free two bedroom flat to herself. Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, First and foremost, at 28, you are past the age of consent. You are a grown man, who in particular has experienced hardship and almost a bleak future as a result of lack of sponsors for your educational quest. If this lady, without considering your financial situation or lack of adequate education, agreed to, not just a relationship with you, but using her hard earned money to fulfill your desire to have good education, why should your family, who never offered support when you most needed it, complain? Sincerely, your family, through their neglect of you forfeited their right to influence your decision on any matter. Be that as it may; aren’t you two rather too hasty in your decision to marry? How much of each other do you know? So many things add up to make a marriage successful. For how long do you expect her to continue to support you? At least, you still have your N25,000.00 job. Generous as this lady maybe, as the man you should, no matter how small, contribute your bits to the plans both of you are making. She isn’t the one marrying you; you are the one marrying her because she is going to bear your name. Granted, her eagerness may not be unconnected with fears of you disappointing her after her huge investment on you, reality however beckons that both of you should plan your lives in such a way that you won’t be disappointed later in life. One thing is to conduct a successful relationship; another is to have a workable marriage. You may not think anything is wrong now in collecting money from her but it would get to a point she would resent being the one spending all the money in the house. Women are naturally built to receive from men; not give all the time. From time to time, a woman when forced by situation to play the lead role, does so but not when the man puts all the responsibility on her. If you are going to marry her, it would be ridiculous for you to expect her to pay for her own dowry as well as for all the expenses of the entire ceremony. The question of whether it is proper to stay with her in the barracks should be the least of your worries because by the time you get to that point, both of you will find a way round it. The military authorities have provisions for civilian husbands for their female officers. It isn’t as important as the issue of both of you planning your future properly. Even if her family isn’t complaining now, a time would come when they would if it comes to their notice that their daughter is the one footing all the bills in the relationship. If your love for each other is genuine, there is no tempest it cannot survive. It is a matter of absolute determination on your parts to stay together. So, you both don’t have to hurry into a marriage you haven’t really prepared for. As a man, how much do you know about the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? Aside the money you are getting from her, are you sincere with yourself about loving her? If she wasn’t offering all the help to you, would you have considered her as one you would want to spend the rest of your life with? From what you have seen of her, do you think you have what it takes to be a good and effective husband to her? Deep down, aren’t you afraid that her personality will consume yours? Is she as submissive as you would want her to be? Irrespective of what you think of your family, do you think they have a point in what they are saying about her? Don’t neglect the fact that it is your life that is at stake. While age may not be a factor in marriage per-se, do you think she could be lying about hers? The point here is trust. These questions are not meant to deter you from marrying her, but to help you in particular come to a full understanding of the issues enveloped in marriage. This is because there is no going back once you give your full consent. The fact that your brother didn’t sponsor your education isn’t an issue. If you were really prepared to go to school, you could have done it on your own. A lot of people your age, with that salary would still have forged ahead especially as they had free accommodation. So your motive for staying with her, you must also examine because unlike other women, you can afford to dump after getting what you want from them, this lady wouldn’t be that easy if that is what you have in mind. Give your relationship sometime to firm up. Subject it to the challenges of two people with your different backgrounds coming together to make a life. It is therefore imperative for both of you to openly discuss your fears, options as well as these questions I have asked to enable both of you appreciate the full implications of what you are going into. Good luck.

My foul temper is becoming my bane

Dear Agatha, I am a single mother who had issues with the father of my child. I talked to him rudely when I perceived he wasn’t serious about committing himself to his child and I. Irrespective of his faults, the foulness of my anger made us split. I started another relationship which has also packed up because of the same foul anger. I was rude and like in my previous relationship, talked rudely to this one too. He also couldn’t handle it and left. How can I deal with this as it is affecting me badly? Temperamental Woman. Dear Temperamental Woman, Anger is a deadly spirit which if not contained can destroy one’s life forever. Particularly for a woman, anger can become her bane in life. Nothing and nobody will ever favor her because of it. This is because a woman is structured by God to be cool in temperament. Granted, the tongue of the average woman is faster than her brain, monumental anger as you have described can destroy her completely. No man, no matter how much he loves a woman, will ever be able to keep her in his life as a result of the many damaging things her anger can cost him. If you are not careful, you will never get a man who will keep you in his house. Since you have come to the realization that you have a terrible temper, your battle is half won. The concern now is to find out why you have such a terrible temper. Does it run in your family; something you might have inherited from your mother or father? What kind of temper does your mother or women in her family have? Is there someone in your family tree with that kind of bad temper? If you cannot recall anyone, ask your mother if still alive or anyone who should know. If there is someone with your kind of temper, investigate how he or she ended. Importantly, is how the person managed the temper. If the person is still alive, strive to meet with the person to unearth how the person came about it. And if it is a general family trait, you need to break it fast else you will be the worst for it. One thing about such foundational problem is, it picks one person from every generation to deal with the most. Since you are already suffering from the damaging consequences if the outcome of your relationships is anything to go by, you need more than prayers to defeat it. You need a very strong deliverance because the spirit of anger can cut short one’s joy or life for that matter. It will continue to deprive you of life’s joy so much so, it will make people who should ordinarily help you, keep you at a safe distance. Nobody wants to be messed up. As you are already experiencing, you will continue to forfeit promising relationships because of it. The father of your child would have married you but for this temper of yours. It can be scary not knowing what you would do or say when caught in the web of anger. Every man desires security and respect from his wife at all times. You need a strong deliverance pastor to make it pass over you so you don’t end your life as a single mother. If yours is an isolated case, when did you notice it? As a child, what kind of temperament did you have? How many friends do you have? If you never had it as a child, something must have happened way back to necessitate it. It could be a disappointment or suppressed anger you didn’t allow to take its full course. Can you remember anything that occured to make you want to constantly lash out on the society, your friends and family? Can you recall what in particular stimulates your anger? Have you ever tried to fight the urge to control your temper? Is your anger only targeted at the men in your life? How do you relate with your siblings, family members or friends? You must learn whenever you are angry, is to walk away from any situation that will make you lose your temper. Ask for the grace to fight it. Walking out on your boyfriend immediately you sense an unpleasant situation brewing, will help you put a latch on your temper. If you must react, do it when you are alone. Shout at an empty room, break something if that will help but, make sure you don’t have an audience. With the kind of temper you described, you have to channel it somewhere, something intangible, like a throw pillow, even a wine glass thrown at the wall can reduce a very nasty temper. It is simply a matter of you controlling your temper and not it telling you what to do. Also learn to apologise when you are calm to the people you hurt when angry. Beg for help and understanding in managing your anger from your friends and family. Let them appreciate that you are making efforts to fight your problem and that it is something you cannot do on your own without their help. Once you are able to convince one person to stand by you, that person will become your advocate, pleading with others to tolerate you. Whatever your challenge may be; keep praying for help from above to end it. It is a matter of you being determined to fight your temper if not for your sake but, for that child of yours you love so much. That child must not grow up to emulate your kind of temper. Good luck

I want to go back to school but he wants marriage

Dear Agatha, There is this man I am dating; he is an artist and plans to marry me but I want to further my education to improve myself. This man loves me so much and has introduced me to some of his family members. He spends on me and I am the only one in his life. What should I do? Ayisat. Dear Ayisat, What precisely is your problem? Is he opposed in any way to your going back to school? Have you discussed your desire to further your education with him and is he saying it would affect his plans to marry you? Every reasonable man desires progress for his woman; and I am sure your boyfriend won’t be an exception to the rule. Nothing prevents you from having a good education and husband. It is simply a matter of you planning your time and knowing which one at any particular time needs your attention the most. It is called joggling the balls of one’s life with wisdom. This is the lot and secret of so many successful women; multi tasking. You must never allow the weight to be heavily tilted to one side of the scale in order not to upset the balance of things. The scale of things must be equally balanced at all times to ensure your life, romance, home are all working perfectly. Therefore, from this early, you must learn how to stabilize every facet of your life. Call your boyfriend and discuss your plans to further your education. Although there is nothing stopping both of you from getting married, if that is what he wants now, but discussing it will enable both of you, especially you, sit on the option that is best. There is no mystery to a successful relationship as long as both parties have what it takes to drive it to full accomplishment. And one of the tools is effective communication at all times. There is no way he can know how you feel or what you have in your mind if you don’t come clean with it. Besides, he may have one or two ideas that could help improve whatever plans you have. In addition, the essence of having a relationship is to have someone to discuss ideas and dreams with. So, tell him about it. Between both of you, you will definitely come to a viable agreement on how to move from this point. Compromise is what both of you need at this important junction of your lives. But be sure, your love is deep, not nurtured by the money you are getting from him. Once you have true feelings for each other, everything will work out fine. Good luck

He’s still attached to his ex

Dear Agatha, I am in love with a man whom I think doesn’t feel the same way about me. He rarely calls; always claiming to be busy. I just found out that he is still dating his former girlfriend because she threatened to deal with him if he thinks of leaving her. The lady is connected in his college. He is in his final year in medical school. He says I should tolerate the situation until he graduates when he will be able to cut the bond between him and this lady. I am contemplating forcing him to choose between the two of us because he can’t eat his cake and have it. What do you think? I am 21. He is all I want in a man. I really love him, but I want to be careful, so that it doesn’t appear as if I am selling myself cheaply to him. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, What kind of influence does this lady have over him? Why should the fact that she is well connected and in a position to spoil things for him bother him? Or does she have information about him that is capable of damaging his entire dream of becoming a medical doctor? If this is the case, even if he graduates from the college of medicine, this woman has the advantage of using her information to destroy him either now or in the future. The implication is; unless she is tired of him, ready to move on with another man, your boyfriend will never be free to have a life of his own. This is why you should be curious to know why he feels incapable to move on with you now. He has to take you into confidence, tell you the choices before you, if you elect to endure the situation with the other woman. Make him understand that enduring the situation isn’t the big challenge for you, but you knowing why you are doing it. In addition, the power the other woman seems to hold over him must be very strong for him to go back to her after approaching you for a relationship. Refusing to discuss or acknowledge it will definitely affect the quality of your relationship in the future. He simply has to learn to trust you with the nature of their relationship. As for you staying, the decision is yours to make. It is your life and your dream. While some relationships are worth fighting for, others are simply not worth it. Our experiences in life incubate patience as well as our maturity in handling certain personal matters. At 21, what kind of experiences do you have to play second fiddle to another woman in the attention of your man? What makes you think he has the qualities you need in a man to be happy? Have you the maturity to look beyond his appearance to his nature as a man? Good looks alone don’t paint a relationship with the colours of success. It takes more than the qualities you think he has to give a woman the drive to make a relationship work. One thing is non-negotiable: respect. No matter where a man is, who he is with, he must at all times revere the woman in his life. If at this early stage in your relationship, he doesn’t feel the excitement to call, know how you are faring, what would happen when your relationship has developed into a pattern? This is one sign for the woman with a discerning mind to ponder on. A woman’s best days are wrapped in her relationships, when men court her attention and interest. If you are the one running round the clock to attract his attention, then you might want to consider what this relationship would feel some years down the road. No matter how busy a man gets, the thought of his new relationship overshadows everything. The fact that he gives the excuse of being busy not to call you means you are not exactly the prime person on his scale of preference. That means there is another person in his life who occupies that important place. You therefore have the option of staying and enduring whatever you get from him or leaving him to find happiness somewhere else. Relationship is about joint ideas or dreams. He may be your ideal man, but he has to be convinced that you are his ideal lady. That is the only time you can enjoy this relationship. Whatever you are doing now without this man being sure that you are worth the risk or sacrifice, you may not get the best of him and this relationship. Like I said, the choice is ultimately yours to stay or not. Good luck!

I don’t want to marry a white woman

Dear Agatha, God bless you for what you are doing in the lives of many people. I am a young man of 29 years of age but not in any relationship. I will be traveling out of the country to join my brother in business. Please, advice me on what to do because I don’t want to marry a white woman. Worried Man. Dear Worried Man, Why are you preempting fate? You may not want to marry a white lady but if God has decreed otherwise, you cannot stop it from happening. Besides, there are black women every where in the world. Gone are the days when a particular race dominated a particular part of the world: globalisation of the world means every nationality is represented in every space of the earth. You can get your choice of women from whatever part of the world you live. Besides, the internet and enhanced telecommunication facilities make it easier these days to conduct a long distant relationship from any part of the world. But if you feel so strongly about not marrying a native of your host country, you can begin something with a woman after your heart while you are still here and continue even when you are in your host country. It is a matter of you being faithful to her by calling her as frequently as you can afford. But we know that once couples part and one of them goes abroad, the necessity to stay alive often than not, comes between them. Usually men go into fake marriages to circumvent migration laws and requirements of their host countries. Usually the woman left behind, is the one that suffers the emotional torture of having a husband who lives abroad but cannot come home to be with her or ask her over. Is this an alternative you want to try? However, rather than worry about a future you cannot predict, why not concentrate on the business at hand; that of going abroad to learn the ropes of your brother’s kind of business? There is no way you can combine business and romance. One would have to wait for the other. Particularly, as you are going into a strange land to learn; this itself, is a major challenge of cultural integration. You may not have the time to sustain a relationship especially in the early months as you would be too busy getting to adjust to your environment, learning how to do business in the country as well as learning the ropes of the business your brother wants you to help out with. Chances are, you may not be romantically inclined for about six months as a result of all the issues that await a foreigner in a strange land. By the time you are ready, you would have settled sufficiently to allow nature do its work of match-making. So, take the step of going there first before worrying about who becomes your bride. Rather than limit your focus to the colour of the skin of the woman, ask God to give you a woman who will always make you happy irrespective of the situation. Pray God gives you a good wife to help you become who you have always wanted to be. Of what use is a marriage to a woman with the right pigmentation of skin but has the worst kind of character? Which would you rather have? A woman’s character builds her home. This is most important than the colour of her skin. Good luck.

Who do I settle for?

Dear Agatha, I am a man of 30 years of age, and about to settle down in life but, I am being been confronted with the problem of whom to choose from among my many female friends who are actually all very close to me. Candidly, I have about five female friends to choose from; the reason I am at this crossroad. Kindly lend me your professional advice. Wiszy. Dear Wiszy, Five women? What are you doing with the whole lot of them? No serious minded man surrounds himself with too many women. For a man planning to grow and go far in life, having too many women in his life can be a very huge distraction; the kind you are currently having, in making the right choice of a wife. Many promising future have been doomed by the inability of a man to either surround himself with the right people or have too many women contending for attention in his life. First you have to decide what works for you in life. A man is as good as the kind of life he plans for himself. Nobody but you can make the decision of what is good for you. There is no easy way to it. First, you must have a clear vision of the kind of life you want for yourself. This is where you kick-start the process of selecting the kind of woman who has what it takes to propel you to your zenith. Who are you? The fact alone of having five women in your life, means you are even confused on who you really are. There is no knowing what is good for you if you, who have the future, is ignorant on what you really want from it. The fault isn’t in the women in your life but, yours. If at your age you are already swimming among many women; what will you do when you are well established? What kind of legacy do you want to bequeath to your children; the kind that will see them in constant rivalry among themselves because of the influences of their mothers or the kind that will give them the kind of lifestyle worth emulating? You are only a caretaker for your children, the reason you should not mortgage their future for your own selfish ends. Children are perfect copy machines. They soak in whatever their parents are doing; good or bad. What you do becomes their examples. As a father, how would you feel seeing your son waste his life chasing after women? Beyond the thrills of their bodies, what are you benefiting from having these women in your life? Have you also considered the fact that these women are all hoping you would marry them and that they are investing their time on this relationship you know won’t take them anywhere with you? Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. The longer you keep them, the more you devalue the quality of their shelf lifespan. Because of you, they would have turned down viable relationships. How do you think they would react when they discover you never planned to settle down with them? If you are 30, it means the women are between 24 and 28 years of age; the critical age group a young woman fetches the cleanest water for her tomorrow. Where do you expect them to start from in a relationship market that is getting more competitive by the day? This is how some men inherit spiritual problems they never recover from throughout their lives. From all the five women in your life, who has what it takes to constantly oil the engine room of your life? Bear in mind that physical appearance isn’t the right barometer for selecting a good wife. There are more important things in marriage than good looks. A woman must have the right kinds of shocks to make her marriage work at all times. She must be ready to make certain kinds of sacrifices for her husband, home and family. She must be understanding, respectful, supportive, prayerful, loyal, responsible and wise. She must also be a good homemaker and cook. Her beauty must come from within and not just the physical only. She must have what it takes to be her husband’s best friend and worthy partner in every area of his life. Who among your women can be all these? Who without you saying it, knows when you are happy, troubled or just need that quiet companionship? Who can make you relax and smile inspite of yourself? Who among them has the right temperament, will no matter what; put your feelings first before reacting to an issue; who has the restraint not to overreact in public? The choice of a right woman isn’t something to treat with levity or do with the canal mind. You must seek the face of God in this matter. It doesn’t matter if you know how to pray or not, focus on God to get it right. A great deal of what we get from marriage is dependent on what we are ready to invest in making the right choice. As a man looking for a wife, you must be ready too to invest respect and responsibility to sustain the right woman. Good luck.

She is a difficult woman

Dear Agatha, I need your advice on this issue please. I met my girlfriend in 2011. When I made known my interest in her, she told me, she was in an existing relationship. Because I love her so much and wish to marry her, I waited a year because of her. Finally, she came to inform me that she had broken up with the guy. I was very happy and welcomed her. But the problem is, she invited me to her house on her birthday, and introduced me to her family and cousins. Now she wants to meet my family though she communicates with them on the phone. My problem is; everybody in my family says she is jovial, nice, cool and friendly but to me, she is a hard-nut to crack and she never gives me time the way she gives my family and friends. Though she told me what she went through with her ex, I don’t know if she loves me or just being cautious. I’m so confused. Segun. Dear Segun, Patience wins the race. If she had issues with her former boyfriend, experienced certain kinds of pressures, it follows she would want to be a little cautious in handling her relationship with you. Don’t forget you have had time to express, nurse and grow your love for her. She is just beginning to get to know you as well as nurture her feelings for you. In addition, she may also be trying to avoid some of the mistakes she made in her former relationship. But one thing is for sure, she has certain feelings and trust in you to make her bring you home to her family. If she isn’t serious about you, she won’t take the risk of introducing you to her family because of the implications inherent in exposing her relationship to them. If she is demanding you do the same, it means she is ready for something serious with you. Introducing you to her family is her way of communicating her seriousness to you. Demanding that she too would want to meet with your family members is an indication she wants to be happy after, in this relationship. From your story, if there is anyone who should be worried in this relationship, it is this lady whose demand you take her to meet with your family, is yet to be met by you. Meeting them isn’t the same as talking with them on the phone. In addition, if your family describes her as being friendly and jovial, then she must be. Which brings us to the issue of why you think she doesn’t love. Precisely what is giving you the impression? Her attitude towards you or the fact that she appears a little bit complex for you to handle? Part of what you fell for is her complexity. Something in her must have arrested your heart to make you wait for her for the length of time that you did. There is no relationship without its ups and downs. Every relationship comes with certain measure of sacrifices; one you must be ready to make for the sake of the future you plan with this woman. Just like you have your own weak and strong points, she has hers too. Rather than get discouraged by the little of her that you have seen, encourage her to talk about her wants and dislikes. From this early, inculcate the habit of open dialogue. Just as you are apprehensive about her, she too may have noticed certain things in your attitude making her cautious of you. But if you begin early to discuss with her some of your fears about her personality, it would not only help your relationship become better, but also assist you a lot in having a deeper understanding into her person. You may find out that the thing frightening you about her, could be the things that will in later years give you so much pleasure. A viable and successful relationship is one grown with patience, tolerance, understanding, selflessness, trust and prayers. There is no way you can get the best of her if you don’t give her the freedom to first be who she is, before being part of you. It is also imperative you allow her to heal from all the experiences from her former relationship by trying not to force her into a situation she doesn’t want. Besides, every good fruit needs time to ripe. You also need to examine yourself so that you can appreciate her the way your family members are doing. The problem may not really be from her but from your own end. Many a time, when we have problems with our attitudes to life, we often fail to notice the goodness in people around us. This maybe why you think she is too hard a nut for you to crack. Again you have to examine the kind of woman you want in your life. Do you want a woman who will constantly submit to you without asking questions or the kind that has the initiative to take certain decisions on her own? The reason you could be finding her difficult, may be in your own perception of women. If you are the kind of man who is more at home with a woman who depends on her man for the most mundane things, it might be difficult for you to appreciate her kind of person. Sincerely, her problem has to do with your position on women. Be frank on what you want from this woman in your life. Good luck.

How do I stop this act?

Dear Agatha, I’m a boy of 25 years of age who started masturbating at the age of 18. I have been trying to stop it but to no avail. I simply can’t. Please help. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, Masturbation is like addiction to drugs. You need to first acknowledge that it is a problem you are ashamed of and one you want to get rid of in your life. The thing is growing the determination to stop it. As with all other addictions, it has to be gradual. There is no way you can stop it suddenly because you didn’t become dependent on the habit in one day. First, it was a tentative gesture until it became a way of life with you like the pyramid. Therefore, ending the habit has to be gradual too; this time around, using the inverted pyramid approach in your quest to beat the habit. Set realistic goals for yourself; the time frame that is practical to you. Thinking of how long it took you to become dependent on it, will help you come to a realistic conclusions on the time you would require to end it. Another way to go about it, is to avoid the kinds of thoughts and situations that usually bring about the urge to stimulate yourself. Because it has become a way of life, the usual cold bath may not work in your case which means you must avoid being alone most of the time. Some men are known to excite themselves when in the bathroom. It is something they cannot help. If this applies to you, rush the process of your bath and cleverly avoid lingering on your anatomy. Fill your mind with thoughts that are inimical to sexual urges; the kind that will make all thoughts of sexual excitement vanish from your mind. You can also find help in the words of God. Read the Bible close to the time you want to take your bath. Retain the thoughts in your mind until you finish taking your bath and dressing up. At night when the urge is more potent, get a thriller film to watch or book to read. If the urge threatens to suffocate you, don’t feel bad if you end up doing it. Nobody expects you to beat the habit in a day; life makes more meaning when after each fall, we are able to rise again. This is where most people get it wrong; wanting to do it all in one day. There is no immediate remedy to addiction so don’t condemn yourself or get frustrated any time you suffer a set back. What you need is sheer determination to end it within the stipulated time frame you gave yourself. If you live alone, look for a very positive and strong minded friend to help you out. Most addictions need the help of friends and family to end. When you have a friend who loves to pray and offer words of encouragement, it makes it easier. Just be positive minded and lean on God by reading the Bible. His presence will make the habit very easy for you to defeat. Good luck.

He means everything to me

Dear Agatha, I am 23 years old. There is this man I dated during my service year, who is 26 years old. We did almost everything together until we broke up some months after my youth service. He told me he preferred us to be best of friends since we enjoyed exceptional bond even as lovers. I accepted his proposition and remained friends with him. We kept communicating everyday, and hardly got angry with each other. We kept acting as if we were still dating and I kept turning down other men with the hope this man and I would still come back together as a couple. Even when I accepted one of the men interested in me on a trial basis, I felt depressed as if I was betraying someone by dating this other guy. So of recent, I had to pour out my mind to him and to ask him to come clean regarding the exact position of our relationship. I told him the current status of our friendship left me confused and was preventing me from moving on. I further explained it was wasting my time especially as I had nothing substantial to hold on to. He told me cared about me and would want to come back into my life. He admitted that he hasn’t been fair to me at all and that he had been fearful of me announcing the presence of another man in my life to him. He said he did what he did because he wasn’t sure I would have the patience to wait for him to be ready since he desired to further move on with his studies. Although I told him I would wait, I gave him one month to think about his options to be very sure. That one month expired during the Easter period. He promised to see me on Easter Monday, he didn’t; he gave excuses and fixed another day; the same thing happened. He didn’t show up. I got angry and sent him a text message telling him not to bother to come again and that he shouldn’t worry about me or talk about our pending matter since his attitude communicated his decision clearly to me. For a week, none of us bothered to call each other. I wasn’t comfortable with the situation, so I called him. He was extremely cold to me on the phone. I am so confused because I do love him. I don’t know if he does. He tells me he loves me but keep pushing me away from him. My friends say I should forget him and move on with my life by giving another guy a space in my heart. Some say I should give him time; that he cares but is focused on his career now. Heart Broken Dear Heart Broken, Having finished your youth service, this is the time to get serious with your life. If this man is shy to come clean with his plans for you, avoids giving you a complete assurance, it would be pointless waiting for him. No matter how much he loves you, his inability to tie himself down to a commitment to you invalidates whatever claims of love he has for you. As it is, you cannot lash him down to anything tangible, except the obvious, that you should move on with your life; that for now, all he can offer you is friendship. He is being as sincere as possible. This makes his claim to love for you factual in the sense that he doesn’t want to hurt you or give you false hopes concerning his plans for you. In his own way, he is telling you that in his current state of mind and position in life, he has nothing to offer you by way of security or clear plans. Deep down, he is aware that having finished school and your service year, you would be under pressure by your family and friends to get married. Should he agree to having you back in his life and you go with his current vague plans, do you think you have the stamina to withstand the pressures of your friends and family? This is the point a woman gets to in life, and tells herself the truth. Knowing the mind set of most young women your age; do you think you can wait for him? Will you not begin to pressure him once one or two of your friends begin to get married? This is the situation this young man appears to be running from. He wants the freedom to marry only when he is ready, not when you are. Since you appear so fixed on him, one sacrifice you have to make is to find time to visit him at his base to discuss personally with him. This is one issue, telephone promises will not resolve. He will keep disappointing you because he hasn’t been able to determine his own dilemma with himself. He is obviously struggling within himself to do what he feels is right for you and him. He is conscious of the impatience of the average young woman once her mind is primed on getting married. He appears not to want any of it until he establishes himself. Something in your discussions when both of you were together may have frightened him to make this hasty retreat. At 26, the average man isn’t in a hurry to settle down whereas at 20, some girls are ready to. But you have to come up with suggestions of how best to handle the lock-jam your relationship is suffering from. First, when you go to him hear his options. To have something to hold on to, encourage him to be detailed in his plan map to you. Ask him exactly how much time he wants; this is to enable you gauge what your options with him are as well as the other choices you have. For instance, if he wants five years of your time, can you give him? What would you be doing in those five years? Even if you do decide to also further your education, can you as a woman trust him to keep to his promise? These are issues sentiments and feelings cannot resolve. You need a clear mind to come to realistic decision here. If he is asking for more time, what would be your age by then? At that age, can you begin again? What would be your viability then as a woman? What would be your indemnity value then? Insurance companies always put a lot of things into consideration before insuring anything. The same thing applies to relationship. You cannot afford to be careless with your future. It is important you think wisely before giving a commitment against your future. If he agrees to meet with you, ensure you do not short charge yourself on the altar of wanting to be with him at all cost. If what he is offering you is what you are sure you can give, accept it but apply the brake, if you aren’t too sure. The reason you must see him is to help both of you resolve what appears to be a pending matter between the two of you. From your letter, both of you appear to be in love with each other but don’t know how to execute the love because of the extraneous issues that have crept in. Fair enough, he has a right to further his education; just as you have the right to be happy. It is this equilibrium, you must work out. You must be ready to move on if he isn’t forth coming with his plans. You can only work it out if he is willing to let you stay in his life. Most times, things don’t work out the way we want. You may think he is the best thing to have happened to you but, how would you know a better alternative is available if you don’t give another man the chance into your life? So, take the urgent step to resolve this with him to enable you move on with your life. Goodluck

I’m infatuated with my married pastor

Dear Agatha, Please, I urgently need your help. I am in love with my pastor. It is so profound that I cannot stand the sight of his wife. I live everyday for him and even seen us getting married sometime in the future. I am a member of the church choir. What should I do, as I cannot live without him? Laura. Dear Laura, Leave the church before you destroy not just the church but this man’s home as well. The intensity of what you feel is capable of leading to a crime; the kind you will end up regretting only after you had done it. What you feel isn’t love at all but infatuation, a kind of obsessive feeling that is capable of even killing a perceived rival. The fact that you are unable to stand the sight of the wife is an indication that you are crossing the line of sanity. If what you feel is normal, you will be able to fight it, because true love is a gentle spirit which can last forever without being violent. That you are dreaming of the two of you getting married is itself an indication that, given the opportunity for you to harm the wife, you will do it without blinking, as long as it is a means to getting your heart’s desires. You must realise that everything you feel for this man is wrong. Apart from being a married man, which makes him unavailable to you, he is also a servant of God, commissioned to uphold the word of God. If you tempt him to derail, a lot of people would derail with him; the thousands of people who have faith in him and his ministry. These are people who have tied their all to the ministry of this man, who see in him a representative of the God they don’t see, whose words and works give them a glimpse of the nature of God. As a chorister, you also occupy a unique place in the church; that of ministering to the spiritual needs of the people through songs. Doubtless, temptations are a compulsory part of the life of every true Christian; the truth remains that when such temptations come, we use all that we have to ward them off. The truth is, the more you are exposed to the company of this pastor, the less likely you are of ridding yourself of these feelings. What you feel for him will only get worse. Even if what you feel for him is the real thing; there is no way you can have him. Therefore, stop tormenting yourself by building castles in the air as far as this man is concerned. Moving out of the church, away from everything he represents, will help open your heart to another man. Frankly, you need the presence of another man, who cares for you, to neutralise whatever you feel for this pastor. You will never be able to accept another man if you continue to nurse your fantasies about being the wife of this pastor. When you move away, it will be easier for you to pray yourself out of these feelings. Many a time, out of sight can suppress strong feelings of love or the likes. If you don’t want to do it for him, do it for yourself because at the end of the day, it is your reputation and life that would suffer. You cannot live everyday for a man who isn’t yours. It doesn’t make sense. We are all entitled to some forms of fantasies, but when it becomes as strong as you living your life for someone who is out of your reach, then it is a very dangerous feeling. You must therefore learn to begin to live for yourself, have dreams of a man of your own. Once you grow the determination to leave this man, you will discover a freedom you never thought you had; the liberty to trust more in your person. Above all, ask God for help to overcome this temptation. Good luck.

He can’t give me what I want

Dear Agatha, I have been married for 11 years. My husband loves me more than anyone else in this world. I knew about his erectile dysfunction when I was dating him. But at that time, I was very ignorant and didn’t know the gravity of his problem. Even after marriage, I and my husband had a very loving and satisfying relationship but I miss some measure of romantic advances from him. I thought being 12 years older than I am, his mindset and views on sex were different from mine. Now I am 35 years old. I have really matured as a woman in the last couple of years. Now, I feel terrible when I am sexually unsatisfied; and lately, I have had a sexual relation with one of my friends who was really sexually awesome. Unfortunately, he has a girl friend so he and I had to discontinue with our relationship. My husband is in the know about this relationship; he is, as a matter of fact very opened about my having affairs with other men. But I am very sad. I feel like having a complete sexual and emotional relationship but I do not want to divide my emotions between two men. Besides, I don’t want to leave my husband because I love him; he is my best friend as well. But on the other hand, I am suffering from the pain of separating from my friend with whom I had such a satisfying sexual relationship. I do not want to ruin his life by forcing him to leave his girl friend. Now, I am unable to decide or take another emotional tie but my sexual desire remains so strong that almost every day, I cry for hours at my destiny. I love my husband but I am not sexually connected to him. I may find sexual pleasure with another man but that will cause me further pain as I do not want to abandon my husband and leave him alone at this age. What do I do? How do I help myself? Please advice me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, What kind of persons are you and your husband? What manner of marriage are you both executing? Even if your husband demands it of you, as the woman whose body is involved, must you agree to such bizarre arrangement? How can this kind of perversion be a solution to whatever is wrong in your marriage? For goodness sake, it is your reputation that is involved here. People who observe you having extra-marital affairs, won’t call your husband names, it is you that will be called all manner of names. Even though I find the story of your husband knowing you are having affairs outside the home a little strange, how does sleeping with these other men resolve the problem both of you have in your marriage? That he is 12 years older than you doesn’t make him ancient or your problems insurmountable. He is just 47 and not 74. He is relatively young and able to adjust if only you both know what you want from each other. If your complaint is lack of romance, have you sat him down to tell him how you want to be romanced? Sincerely, a lot of men are guilty of this. Many of them don’t understand the desires of the woman to be held and petted. Not many men appreciate this kitten nature of a woman. Most men think it is absolute waste of time to have foreplay before and after sex. It is your duty as the woman to insist on it as well as show your man how you want to be romanced. The man you think is super in bed is doing it because what you both are doing is forbidden. There is a certain measure of madness and wildness that come within the territory of an illicit affair. I am sure his regular girlfriend won’t think him so super because with her he doesn’t have a point to prove. He invested time and energy in your case because it is what you came out of your marriage to get. He had the responsibility of satisfying your fantasy. By the time you become his regular woman, he won’t have any need to inject so much energy into it. It isn’t something that happens deliberately but happens all the same when a man and woman have become used to their ways. So why not initiate a discussion with your husband over this issue? Knowledge of sex like every other thing in life needs to be visited by way of discussion by couples and upgraded to keep the union intact. If you are still operating with the knowledge or quality of sex you came into marriage with, there is no way you will be satisfied. Couples should be able at all times to evaluate their performances with a view to adding exciting vibes into their union. It is time you sat your husband down for a complete discussion. That he is supporting your extra-martial affairs calls to question your so-called love for each other. Morally bankrupt as the world has become, no sane man will support his wife’s extra-marital affair unless the man is completely impotent and desires to father children by other men to mask his problem. Is this the issue in your marriage? There are many couples out there with your kind of challenge but who have devised ways of working around it. You talk as if you were a child bride. Were you forced into the marriage? Did you have to marry him at the time you did? If you are 35 now, it means you got married at 24 since you say you have been married for 11 years. At that age, you were more than mature to know what you were going into. At that age, you could tell the difference between quality sex and manageable one. He must have given you certain kinds of fulfillment to make you decide to spend the rest of your life with him. Chances are you got introduced into your new sexual passion by one of the affairs you had. The truth is whatever prompted your marrying him then, you feel no longer apply. Although you didn’t say it, but it appears you have fallen in love with someone else and only using the health situation of your husband as an excuse for your affairs. Whatever your reasons for having an extra-martial affair, it is wrong for you to stay married to your man and have an affair with another man. What you are doing goes against every moral law-both of God and man. The least you can do is to end your marriage if you are no longer gaining any emotional satisfaction from it. To stay with your husband and sleep with other men is unpardonable. Rather than invest your time and emotions thinking of the kind of sex you can get from these men that litter your life, have you thought of helping your husband overcome his challenge? As his wife, what steps have you taken in terms of seeking expert opinion on the issue? In addition, what kind of erectile dysfunction is your husband suffering from? As I asked earlier, is he completely impotent, cannot last for more than a second or that his sperms pour out of your body once it is over? If he can get up but lacks the stamina to last beyond the first minute, what you should do is rely on heavy romance to make it work for both of you. A lot of people frown on oral sex but it has its usefulness when it comes to sexual satisfaction especially in situations like yours. It has preserved so many marriages. If his sperms come out immediately you get up, use pillows to elevate your buttocks to give deep access inside you. This way, he is able to deposit his semen close to your womb. Since your grouse isn’t with his inability to give you a child; this might not be your concern but you need to know if you still want to stay married to this man. If you call someone your best-friend, it means you would do anything to make that person happy. Do you think that deep down your husband is happy at the knowledge of you in another man’s hand? Can you boast about your affairs to your friends and family members? It is either you end this marriage and remain his friend or you make up your mind to make the essential sacrifice needed to make this marriage work. Where there is a will, there is always a way. There are various ways you can achieve sexual harmony in your marriage. I want you to answer this question; how would you feel seeing your husband in the arms of another woman? If you don’t feel anything, think it is fun; then you and this man are only pretending to have a marriage. Under the circumstance it would be best for you both of part ways and not further destroy each other for the right persons you each might meet later in life. At 47, he can begin a new life with the right woman who loves, supports and respects him. Good luck.

I don’t want to love her more than necessary

Dear Agatha, I have been in a relationship with this lady for some few years now. I just realized that this lady has taken over my heart. Hardly do I stay without thinking of her even if my mind is on other things. Please is there a way to reduce the level of love that I have for this lady because it is getting too much for me? Painfully, I realized she doesn’t love me that much due to some of the things she has done. Please how can I reduce the volume of love I have for her? You will be doing me a great favour by helping with this problem. Iyke. Dear Iyke, It isn’t such a bad idea to be in love with the woman in your life. As long as you are both focused, appreciate the reason for your coming together as an item, you don’t have anything to worry about. Why not call your friend for a personal discussion on how you both want the relationship to proceed. First, both of you have to examine the crux of this relationship. If you are unable to pinpoint the reason you went in this relationship with your partner, then something is very wrong somewhere-a valid cause for you to query your feelings as you are doing now. The natural question is; what you had in mind when you approached her for a relationship? What was your motive; to date her for the fun of it or with the hope of spending your entire life together? If your aim was to simply pass through her life, then your reason for being worried about falling deeply in love with her becomes better clearer. You are apprehensive because you never planned to have her in your life for a long time. Therefore, your current feelings present you with issues you never bargained for. It happens. But the best approach isn’t to fight our feelings or hurt the future that is budding. This is because our sub- consciousness recognizes long before we do, what is good for us. It gives us the sign in the way we feel but often than not, we are blinded by our own inordinate desires to pay attention to the silent voice inside of us. This is why we often suffer from disappointment. Love isn’t something that can be controlled. It has a life of its own and happens when and where you don’t expect it. This you must appreciate. Therefore, it is worthless to question your feelings for this lady or even attempt to fight it. Instead you should probe deeper into your mind, why you are falling deeper and deeper in love with her? It is essential to avoid disappointment later in life. As it is, your inner person recognizes something special in this woman you haven’t been able to. Rather than fight your feelings for her, why not try to find out why you are feeling this way? There is something this woman must be doing right to make your heart fond of her against your will. You can never know unless you allow yourself to find out what it is. Bring out your note book and jot down the things you don’t like about her; the reasons you want to scale down your feelings for her. On another fresh page, write down the things she does that make you want to be with her-those qualities you think you cannot find in another woman. This is the junction you tell yourself the whole truth. You cannot afford to do less because your life is pegged on you doing it right. It is only after you are sure of what your true feelings are, that you can talk intelligently on what your true feelings really are. She has to know what your new feelings towards her. Chances are that she is misbehaving and, refusing to allow her heart totally embrace you because of how you both started. If from the beginning, you gave her the impression that you weren’t particularly serious about her, only wanted a casual affair with her, it would be hard for her to give you total commitment. But sitting her down for further discussion and commitments; would help her put things in their right perspective. It is only after you have done this, and there is no change in her attitude, that you can think of scaling down your feelings for her. As it is now, it would be unfair for you to condemn your relationship with this woman based on the current status of your relationship. For some inexplicable reasons, we tend to throw away the most important things in life until it is too late to have them back. This is why a lot of us end up with the wrong persons as life partners. Prevent this from happening to you by taking early steps to be happy in life. The best way is to end the relationship to avoid destroying each other or creating problems in other relationships both of you would go into. Good luck.

Lonely Heart I need an Igbo man in my life

Dear Agatha, I am 33, single with one beautiful child that means the world to me. I’m looking for a genuine and sincere man between 33- 45 (with all due respect boys with swags are not applicable) who can accept me the way I am. I’m not rich yet I can support my partner any day if God blesses me with a wonderful one. He should be from the same geographical region- South East. If you are not Igbo, don’t bother. I have to be honest. It isn’t as if the other tribes are not good but this is what I want. Physical appearance isn’t important to me but he should at least look presentable. He must be drug and alcohol free A devoted Christian; Anglican will be a plus. He should be family oriented. Should be willing to love me and my child. Must be independent, mustn’t be rich since I can’t ask for what I can’t afford myself. The following qualities are very much important to me: Honesty, trust, openness, faithfulness and tolerance. Above all, he must be a one woman man and willing to settle down. I’m not into boyfriend girlfriend stuff. I hate cheats. If interested, contact me at, Chimerem13@yahoo.com.de

He wants intimacy as compensation for dating his wife

Dear Agatha, I am in a very nasty fix and don’t know how to get out of it. I work in one of the better established banks and in 2009, I met and dated this lady that was posted to our branch as a corper. We were an item for over nine months, but when she left for her Masters’ program abroad, the relationship sort of fizzled out. Given that she had introduced me to a couple of her family members including her cousin, I walked up to say hello to this cousin of hers, when I bumped into her at a party at Victoria Island. To cut a long story short, I dated this lady for over a year. After a while she and I parted amicably as we both had incompatible visions. However during the time I dated her, she too had introduced me to my first girl friend’s elder sister. When my first girl friend’s elder sister found out that I was no longer with her cousin, she got in touch with me and did not hide her intention of dating me. After a while, she introduced me to the family as we both felt that the relationship was going somewhere. However, we eventually drifted apart when it became obvious to her that I was not quite ready to settle down. My current dilemma is that her mother being a bit of a looker and a society lady, felt attracted to me and we eventually hooked up. During one of our secret liaisons in their house, we were caught pants down by her husband who happens to be well connected. He was calm about the whole thing; he handled the situation by politely asking me to leave his house and never to come back. I do not know how this man got hold of my number, but he called me to demand for a meeting which I was in no position to refuse. When we met, he told me that since I had slept with his two daughters, his niece and wife, that he feels left out. He is threatening to ensure I lose my job as well as make my life miserable in Lagos, if he does not get his share of my body. Agatha, I am not gay and feel quite repulsed about the whole idea. He has given me up to this week to perform, otherwise…..Help. Valentino. Dear Valentino, You feel repulsed by what he is asking you to do? But you were not disgusted sleeping with daughters and mother or with another man’s wife under his roof? This is what comes out of being insensitive, indiscriminating and generally irresponsible. If you weren’t irresponsible and selfish, you won’t date two sisters, not to talk of three and their mother. Even if their mother offered you all the gold in the world to sleep with her after sleeping with her two daughters, did you have to accept her invitation and doing it inside her matrimonial home? What were you thinking? Accepting not only to date a married woman, but one whose daughters you have dated? In this man’s shoes, what would you have done catching a boy your daughter brought home as her future husband having sex with your wife right under your roof? If this man is demanding you sleep with him as well after all the commotions you have caused in his house and family, who can blame him? You advertised yourself as a young man who isn’t discriminating, who has no respect for the feelings of others at all. So why should you care if this man is asking you to date him since you appear to have a fixation on his family members? If you can sleep with his wife, daughters and niece, he reasons you might as well sleep with him since the world, no, appears to be absent in your dictionary. This man you have obviously hurt deeply feels he is only offering you what you like to do. You are a very lucky young man he didn’t kill you because what you did is enough for another man to terminate your life. You have injured this man in that place where it touches him the most. Do you know the pains he carries as a father seeing you drop one daughter and a niece for another? Can you even begin to imagine his ache when his elder daughter brought you home as the man she plans to spend her life with after you have dated her younger sister? You didn’t need anyone to tell you not to have encouraged the sister after dating two women from the same family. Yes you can argue that the elder daughter initiated the relationship but, if you have a little moral, you would have declined especially as you knew deep down you were only playing the field with her. To add his wife to your list of conquests in his family was very provocative. And the guts having sex with her, under his roof, is what is making this man very determined to destroy you. I suspect this man isn’t really into what he is asking you to do but, is out to make your life miserable; destroy whatever it is that makes you so confident to farm only in his compound. Even if this man didn’t protest, God will because you violated this man’s matrimonial home. Never mind that his wife approached you for a relationship, wisdom and respect for the sanctity of the marriage institution should have made you run away from her considering that you too would one day get married. When you were sleeping with her in her husband’s house, did you ever pause to think of her marital status and how you are helping her to destroy her home? Did you consider the pains you would be causing her husband and family if they found out what you had done? What about her daughters you slept with? Did you put into consideration that the woman you were sleeping with bore them? Even if the woman is morally bankrupt and lacking of the essential ingredients to qualify her as a responsible mother and good example of womanhood, did you have to oblige her request? Aren’t there single women out there you could easily have continued your sexual fantasies with? Did you for one second consider the possibility of someone sleeping with your own wife one day, while you were sleeping with this woman? One way to get out of this issue is to first accept that you were wrong. From the tone of your letter, you aren’t repentant; just worried about what the man is asking you to do. To get out of this mess your lust put you, you must first acknowledge you were very wrong. You cannot plant sorrow in a man’s heart and life and expect to reap sweetness in your own life. You have done too much harm to this man. Go and look for who to beg that will talk to him. Not only have you destroyed this man’s home but you have also ruined him as a man. You need to find ways of really appealing to him to forgive you even though the harm you caused him will never mend. Whatever you do, ensure he forgives you. Through his daughter, you can get the name of someone he respects who can join you in appealing to him. Also ask for God’s forgiveness in this matter. It is essential. It is important you learn from this by conducting your affairs with more decorum in future. Chances are this happened to save you from a more grievous danger in future. If you are wise, you will move closer to God and stay focused in life. Very promising careers of many young men and women have been buried permanently by their reckless and insatiable thirst for sex. Good luck.

I like him, despite violating me

Dear Agatha, I am a final year student in the university. I met this guy in a social night, my department organised. He wasn’t a student. His friend invited him to the event. He seemed cool and nice to me. In the course of our discussion, I discovered we were from the same hometown. Eventually, he said he really liked me and wanted a serious relationship with me. I decided to give it a trial. One evening, he decided we should hangout. We did and it got late. Since I could not go back to the hostel, I passed the night in his house. He dropped me off in his house and went out again. He came back in the morning and wanted sex. I told him he was rather too fast since we just met. He kept insisting he liked me and had no intention of using and dumping me. I opened up to him that I was a virgin and wanted to keep myself until my wedding night. I requested for a sexless relationship. Immediately, he started pledging his everlasting love, care and respect and insisted on having his way. When I declined he forced me. I struggled and begged but to no avail. He locked his doors, seized my clothes and phone. He told me whether I liked it or not, he must deflower me that day. He kept repeating that he really liked me and would not dump me. He said my tears did not move him. He forced himself on me. I was in severe pains and while I was screaming, he kept apologizing and encouraging me to endure the pains; that it would soon be over. He said all sorts of things to me; including having everything to make me happy. I was so devastated and afraid it would affect me in my examination that was to start in two days from that incident. After I left him that day, I did not take his calls. My surprise is that I am not even angry with him and that the incidence didn’t really affect me or made me to hate him. I find myself rather still liking him. The last time he called, I asked him never to call me again but when he called again, I could not ignore it. He still wants to see me. Please help me. I don’t know what to do. Loveth. Dear Loveth, There are so many things wrong with your story. For instance why did you stay so late with a man you hardly know? Why didn’t you end the outing when you discovered it was getting late for you to go to your hostel? By staying that late with him, you encouraged the situation. When you realized it was getting late, you should have insisted he took you back to your hostel. Had you insisted in a public place, his reactions would have given you a preview into his kind of temperament. There are certain things a man cannot hide; one of them is masking the kind of aggressive character that would make him rape a woman. Such traits don’t develop overnight; they are always inherent in the man who has the tendency to. His intentions were well thought out and executed. Had you been more observant, your insistence to leave early would have brought to fore his frustration which would have manifested his true nature for you to see. The fact that you stayed out late with him, encouraged and emboldened him to take advantage of you. Also, why didn’t you insist on him taking you back to the hostel rather than his house, no matter the time? The fact that you didn’t, compromised you in ways you cannot explain to yourself let alone those around you. You may have been a virgin but didn’t display an understanding of an undergraduate at all. The lesson here is for you never to trust a man you are just meeting. Trust should be earned to given to anyone. There is also the tiny issue of him leaving you all night and coming back in the morning. That too, gave you the opportunity to be ready to leave immediately he came back. The fact that you weren’t ready when he came back in the morning, sent out a very wrong signal about your kind of person. For a girl who is a virgin; just finding out about the character of a man, you left too many things to chance. Telling him you were a virgin at the time he wanted to have sex with you was a miscalculation. It only served to stimulate his ambition. A normal man would have backed off at that point, but not a man who is selfish. He left you all night to fight the urge raging inside him; he wanted to avoid what eventually happened but lost the battle when he found out that you were a virgin. Finding you untouched further fueled his desires for you. Well, the harm had been done. The decision really is yours to make but you need to munch on these points in arriving at how you want to handle him in future. No matter his excuses and your slips, he is guilty of forcing himself on you; more so, in deflowering you. This isn’t the kind of man to trust at all. If he is capable of doing it once, he will do it again. For you, he took away the most precious time and gift of your womanhood. Responsible men don’t go about raping women. Therefore, be careful because his words and promises lack credibility. This kind of man can become violent in other ways. Sexual violence has led to the deaths of many women in and out of relationships. What if he had injured you in the process of you struggling with him? A lot of women have gotten killed in their struggles to avoid being raped by a man. Any man who abuses a woman the way he did to you, should be avoided by a reasonable woman. The fact that he showed no remorse is a dangerous signal you should take into consideration. This presents him as one of those men who hold the view that women are meant to be conquered in all fronts. The danger of living with this kind of man is that he will never completely treat you with the kind of respect you deserve as a woman; no matter what he says, when the chips are down, he will apply violence to bend you to his wishes. The sincere question you should ask yourself is, can you cope with this kind of man who may never completely exhibit the compassion that a woman needs to come to full accomplishment of herself in life? For now, your emotions maybe confusing, but you need to appreciate that you are the one who has lost so much; your virginity and dignity as a woman. Responsibility, is knowing when to draw the line between selfishness and selflessness. What makes a man absolutely responsible is how he treats the woman in his life. The nature of the man is to be stimulated by sight but, a reasonable man has to be able to control his emotions at all times else he ends up becoming a rapist. The important question is can you cope with a rapist? Can you defend his actions against other women including your close friends and sisters? The cycle of respect is all embracing. If he can violate you, what assurances do you have that he won’t do the same thing to other women around you? Can you trust and stand by him if another woman comes up tomorrow to accuse him of raping her? When you look back to your first time as a woman, would you ever be able to forgive and completely forget the brutality of his actions? Given the promises he made to care for you and what he did to you, can you ever believe in his words as a man to you? Since you are unable to get him out of your system, arrange for a meeting with him to discuss these issues with him. Ask him why he raped you even when he knew you were a virgin and was making promises to take care of you? Violating you and the promises he made to you are worlds apart. They are two strange bedfellows that don’t go together. Even if you think you can continue with him, let him know he has to earn your trust in more ways than he knows. Importantly, you don’t have to give in to him cheaply. Forcing himself on you could be his way of ensuring you stay his’ forever. Don’t be fooled by your feelings. Think with your head and not your heart to avoid being taken for granted by this man whose only interest in you could be your body. Frankly these aren’t good signals but like I said, the choice is yours to make. Good luck.

My stepson ‘feasts’ on my daughter

Dear Agatha, I have this huge problem. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about it. I discovered recently that my stepson has been sleeping with my nine-year-old daughter. The boy in question is 16. I actually walked in on them one night when I had reason to go to their room unannounced. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town, so I was the only one left to deal with the issue. And what frightened me was that my daughter appeared to be enjoying it. According to my daughter, it had been going on for sometime now. They share the same room, since we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My daughter told me it started one night while the father and I were away. She said they watched a film together where two adults were kissing and doing funny things together. My investigations revealed he got the film from his friend in the next compound. My husband is naturally very angry about it, but my major problem now is that the boy is still living in the house with us. Despite my insistence that the boy leaves, my husband appears unable to make a firm decision. I have threatened to quit the marriage unless his son leaves my house. What should I do, as my children and I cannot stay in the same house with the boy? My husband says if he were my son, would I send him away? But the issue is that he has destroyed my innocent daughter. I am also considering reporting the matter to the police, since my husband appears unable to take a decisive action. The boy blames it on the devil; but my fear is, if nothing is done to make him pay for what he has done to my daughter, he will do it to another innocent child. Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, You are right to be apprehensive. As long as the two of them continue to stay together in the same house and room, there is no stopping them from doing it. It is unfortunate that such a thing is happening in your home and marriage. Sincerely, there is no easy way out of this because your daughter has to be protected at all costs. Her entire life and psychological well-being rest on you. This is the time she needs you the most. Since your husband appears unable to take a firm decision concerning his son, you may have to, for now, take your daughter out of the house; perhaps a girls’ boarding school, as a way out of the impasse. Your husband is unable to take a firm decision because the children involved are his. Like you, he is in a fix and only bidding his time. Telling him to send the boy away may appear harsh to him. With him in this mood and feeling that your demand that he sends his son away, it would be a futile exercise to insist on anything at this point in time. The matter is extremely hot to try to force a decision on him. I honestly understand how you feel, but give him time to make up his mind while you take all steps to help your daughter live a normal life. Once your daughter is out of the house, be assured that he would want the matter revisited, since your daughter cannot live outside her father’s house permanently. One of the ways this matter can be resolved is for the boy to be sent to school and, while on holidays, stay with his mother. If his mother is dead, he can stay with any of his relatives. If he has to stay at home, ensure your daughter isn’t at home. The need to keep them apart is because sex is addictive. If together, the temptation will always be there for them to do it all over again. This is so because she has gotten used to it to the point of enjoying the act. Granted, you caught both of them in the act, but it would be hard to prove that he really violated your daughter. From her account, it could be either way, something both of them wanted and did out of curiosity at first. If you report to the police and, under interrogation, she says the boy didn’t force himself on her, what would you do? Your concern should rather be on her own acceptance of the act as an enjoyable one. This is where you should concentrate more efforts, because this is where the danger and challenge really is. At every opportunity you have, draw your daughter close and make the effort to discuss with her as an adult. Unlike other girls her age, she has experienced sex and taken a liking to it. Now, it isn’t a matter of how she got introduced to it, but her attitude to it. Sad as it may appear and sound, her case has gone beyond rape to that of management of her own desires as a woman. To ignore this fact is to mortgage her future. She needs you to help her come to terms with what happened to her as well as manage her desires in such a way she is able to live a normal and healthy life. A lot of issues may later develop from this incident, and if you are not on top of it, you may find yourself in particular living in the pains of your discovery forever. To be of immense help to your daughter, you must resist bitterness or making any harsh decision on this matter. One of them is to transfer your growing hatred for the child to your husband and marriage. Don’t forget that the girl involved is his daughter, just as the boy is his son. No father prays to witness his children sleeping with each other. Both of you are allowing the pains of your discovery get the better of you. You are both not fair to yourselves and children. If you allow your marriage to crash, the burden would be too much for you and your daughter to shoulder. For her, it would always be at the back of her mind that she had something to do with the failure of your marriage and you will never be able to move on due to the burden of guilt, hatred and bitterness that would take over your life. You need your husand, as much as he needs you. Besides, you also need to find out from the boy why he did what he did. While I am not trying to justify what he did, he also needs help. If nothing is done to help him out of the abyss he is headed, he risks being condemned forever. Let him see a psychologist, to enable him understand the gravity of what he has done as well as the danger of this act to his future. If you report him to the police, you also would be exposing your daughter to undue publicity, the ridicule and gossip of those you think are your friend. It may not matter now, but all these would come to play some day when she is ready to settle down. Gossips have a way of giving new flesh to already dry bones when they are out to make life miserable for someone. It is this future you should consider in the case of your daughter. No matter how civilised we get, this kind of incident everywhere in the world is a stigma. The woman is the one left to protect her reputation. Every family has its skeleton to hide. This is your own family secret. Another thing you can do is to seek the mother out if she is still alive. Get her involved. She may have just the right answer to this deadlock in your home. If she agrees to take her son, care for him and make him responsible, you won’t need to put your daughter in a boarding school. Although this lesson is costing you so much, it isn’t right after a while to keep boys and girls in the same room these days. There is too much information at the disposal of today’s children. They can access whatever kind of information they want straight from the internet through their phones or computer. Many of them may be innocent physically, but their minds are more matured than even those of their grandparents. It is the power of advanced technology and free information. Leaving a 16-year-old boy with a nine-year-old girl alone in a room was too much of a risk, even if they are your children. Some young girls at that age have started to sprout. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets. This is the reality of modern life. Another thing you may not want to hear now is, how well have you treated this boy? Chances are, if you are the kind of stepmother who doesn’t treat her stepchildren well, that it could have been pre-planned to hurt you back. It is sad that the man gets blamed when issues like this happen, but it could just be the fault of the girl too. Honestly, you have a huge task ahead of you to find out what the whole story is. It would really help you resolve so many issues you have been blind to in your home. Be brave to face whatever comes out of it with the maturity this issue deserves. Good luck.

His attitude has changed

Dear Agatha, Thank you for being there for us. May the Lord continue to be your strength and give you more wisdom in Jesus name. I have been dating my current boyfriend for six years. He happens to be the one sponsoring my education. Recently, he travelled out of the country and is back. But since coming back from his trip, a lot of things have changed concerning his attitude towards me and our relationship. He doesn’t seem to have the time for me anymore. These days, he limits his relationship with me to sex and money. He doesn’t care if I am happy or not. When he came back, most of his friends and mine told me to get pregnant for him before he travels again. In their opinion, this would make him change his mind about traveling out again. Can you imagine that he left me at home and went out with his friends. I was so annoyed with him. In fairness, he apologised and promised to take me out. Contrary to what he promised me, he also went out with his friends and when I reminded him of our arrangement to be together, he said he had to keep his promise to his friends to spend sometime with them. He however promised to be back early. Based on this, I waited for him at home; to my pains he didn’t come, on the day he went out. I am really tired of everything as well as reporting him to his parents. They are always begging me to forgive him but I noticed that they are incapable of cautioning him against his treatment of me. I have been telling them I cannot cope with his kind of person. As it is, I am afraid of getting pregnant because of all that I have observed about him. I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to him but he simply has refused to change. The situation remains the same. Please what do I do? I don’t want to offend him because of what we have both been through. When I met him, there was nobody to help me. I am who I am because of his efforts in my life. Despite his attitude towards me, he still cares for me but I am becoming increasingly unhappy because of this attitude of his. Although he trusts me but I want to be happy and don’t deserve what he is doing to me at all. Betty. Dear Betty, You need a lot of patience, attitude of tolerance and understanding to overcome this challenge. Doubtless, the picture you painted on the surface appears hopeless but there is always a lesson in every experience we go through in life. The lesson is to help us go into the next stage or class in the school called life. There is no way you can go into the next stage if you don’t pass the stage you are in now. Your solution is in your ability to focus and harmonise every issue involved in your relationship. To get it right, you need to go back to the very beginning for possible clues as to why he is behaving this way. You need to do this urgently to avoid masking the real issues with the wrong colours. You also have to ask yourself what your real motives are. People don’t change dramatically from who they are overnight. To get a clear picture of what is really happening between the two of you begin the perspective from yourself. I must warn of the need for you to be absolutely honest with yourself. The truth you tell holds the key to your future happiness. Has he always been like this? If yes, how have you coped with him and if no, at what point did he change? When did you begin to realise you cannot cope with his behavior anymore? Importantly, do you really love him for who he is or what you are getting from him? As a matter of fact, have you ever loved him? Honest answers would help clear a lot of the confusion currently enveloping your relationship. For instance, if he has always been like that, what has changed to make you feel suddenly tired of him and his lifestyle? Is that you have suddenly realised that after being with him for six years, he has become too complicated a man for you or that you can no longer bear to tolerate his presence in your life? I am not saying you don’t have the right to terminate the relationship or to complain about his behavior, far from it but it is in your interest to be properly focused on your reasons. If he has changed, don’t just blame him for everything. Ask yourself how you contributed to it. Look at all the things he has complained about your person. If he likes parties, do you? How often has he tried to get you involved in his kind of lifestyle, get you interested in going to the places he likes? How many times have you resisted his gesture to make you comfortable with his friends? Often we make the mistake of condemning people even before we get to meet them. What efforts have you made to bridge the gap of differences between your persons? A relationship can become so boring if a couple cannot find a point of equilibrium. The fact that he left you at home to enjoy in the company of his friends tell two stories; either that he finds your company boring or that you have refused to flow with the company of his friends. No matter how intolerable you find the behavior of his friends, the fact that your man seems to like them, means you should try to accommodate them. Making it appear he has to make a choice between you and his friends only complicates things. Even if you think his friends are not good for him, there are ways of putting a distance between them without making it obvious to him. For all you know, these friends you don’t want him to associate with, may be the ones instigating his new behavior against you. These friends can deliberately set out to make things difficult between the two of you if they perceive you to be hostile to them. This is why wisdom is required in dealing with issues in every relationship. Try to make a positive change in the areas you know you are weak. It would go a long way in doing what words, nagging cannot do. If he has always been like this, how did you put up with him all these years? Why are you suddenly realising he is a very difficult man? There is no arguing the fact that sometimes, one get fed up of putting up with a situation but don’t you think, your motive would be suspected if you leave him after he has taken the task of paying your way through school? And would you have considered ending the marriage if you two had been married? This is the juncture you really ask yourself the question you may never have bothered to ask yourself all the years you dated him: the one concerning what you really feel for him? There is nothing true love cannot make right. It is what makes sacrifices easy to make in every relationship. He has made and is still making the sacrifice of paying for your empowerment and comfort. What sacrifice are you willing to make for him? Honestly, you can get a lot of your fun back if you really love him. It is a simple matter of looking back to that thing you really like about him. Often than not, we forget to remember those special qualities in our loved ones over the years. This is because we are in the habits of taking our partners especially, for granted. He may not be listening to you if you are doing it the wrong way. Sometimes it isn’t what we say that is the issue, but how we say it. You could say what you have been saying for years in a different way and get instant result. If you have sat him down to discuss what you feel is wrong with your relationship without him changing, why not sit him down to ask what you are doing wrong? Don’t assume or make him feel he is the problem in the relationship. What this does is to immediately put him on the defensive and very unreceptive to whatever you have to say whereas, if you allow him run away with the impression that you are more to blame, he would not only listen but also admit to his own challenges. You must learn from this early to build confidence, trust, sacrifices, selflessness and tolerance into your relationship. Between two people, a lot of things can go wrong just as the same things can be put right with the right attitude. Whatever is the problem, go to your man with a clear mind and focus on taking the relationship beyond this point. The idea of leaving should come only after you have done everything humanly possible and praying about it. Good luck.

I caught my father in bed with my wife

Dear Agatha, I caught my father in bed with my less than a year old wife. Ironically this happened a day after she told me that she was carrying my baby. The strange thing is that my father and wife are behaving as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. My father simply got up from my matrimonial bed and ordered me to follow him. In my living room, he gave me a cheque of N25m to buy myself a car of my choice while my wife went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. The whole thing appeared to be like a movie as I looked from my father to my wife. A presence more powerful than me held me down, preventing me from going after either my father or wife. I eventually summoned the courage to move and found myself going towards my mother’s apartment. When I got there and narrated the whole incident to her, she begged me not to fight or say anything about it to anybody. My elder brother who came into my mother’s apartment while I was narrating the incident, laughed and patted me on my shoulders without saying anything. My immediate elder sister, who has refused to come back to Nigeria from London since she left eight years ago, wasn’t surprised by my story. She only told me to take things easy and not try to make trouble with my wife if I valued my life. I am the last born of three children and the favorite of my father in particular. That night, my mother came into our apartment to take my wife with her. I didn’t sleep throughout the night wondering what strange things were going on in my family. The next day as early as 6a.m., my father came over to my apartment to more or less warn me about trying to make trouble. He told me what I witnessed was beyond me and that it would continue to be the pattern until he got tired. After he left, I ran to my friend’s place who in turn took me to Epe to consult with a spiritualist. Without much ado, the spiritualist, told me that I will learn to live with the situation else I would become insane if I try to challenge my father. He said, not even my mother can challenge my father. He said, my father has gone too far to change and that things have been damaged beyond repairs in the things he has done to us; that it would take the grace of God for my siblings and I to overcome the spiritual problems my father in his quest for power, money and fame has done. He too advised me to continue to tolerate the situation by accepting to live with my wife who he said, was brought into my life by my father for his purpose. Two days after our visit, the friend that took me is critically ill in the hospital. doctors are yet to say what precisely is wrong with him. I don’t need anybody to tell me where the attack is coming from. This has made me very determined to fight my father to a standstill. I want to confront and expose him for all his friends and associates to know who he really is. I am yet to return home after that day. At night I keep seeing my father in my dream telling me to come home for my own good. My mother and elder brother have been relentless on the phone urging me to come back home. We all live within the massive family compound which is actually a mini estate as all our domestic employees with their family live within the compound. My father doesn’t allow anyone working for him in the house to live outside the premises. He insists on it and has a school bus that takes all the children of his staff to and from school, my mother runs. Please help me as I am so confused. I feel sorry for everybody in that house. How do I challenge my father and still be alive to tell my story. I feel so helpless and lost. Do save me Agatha. Helpless Son. Dear Helpless Son, I cannot save or protect you. Only God can. To fight a father like yours, you need first to connect and know God. Without Him, you can never win this battle. This is one clash way above you. Besides, it is a blood battle involving your parents, who know everything about your origin. Don’t also neglect the fact that God gave them the authority over you as vessels that brought you into this world. Unless you are specially protected by God, whatever they decree about you will happen. This is the real danger you are into. Your mother who has the spiritual power to neutralize your father’s authority over you, is on this with your father leaving you orphaned in this battle. Also, if you decide to go physical he could easily declare you insane; he has the money, connection and authority to do that. It would be his words against your own. All those people you cite as being under his spell would be the very ones he will use to declare you insane. So you see, this isn’t a battle you go into without having God on your side. Exposing him to his friends will not make any difference because there is the probability these so called friends are in the same society as your father. As a matter of fact, you will be making more enemies for yourself making such moves. If your mother who should rise to protect her children is unwilling to do so, is infact complacent about her husband sleeping with her daughter-in-law, who are you to fight him? Situations like the one you have described, need good wisdom to overcome. It is also requires careful patience and planning. Given recent developments in your family, your father is on his guard, prepared to match you violence for violence; as a matter of fact, he is willing to sacrifice you rather than to risk everything. Everything that makes him your father is dead. He sees you as the enemy so be careful and mindful of the great danger you are in. Don’t tell anybody where you are putting up to avoid what happened to the friend who took you to the spiritualist. Also avoid patronizing spiritualists as they are very capable of adding to your problems. They don’t have the power which God has to protect you from consequences of your foundation. Besides, some of them derive their powers from the same place your father got his power from. There is no way they can confront your father because a house divided against itself cannot stand. Therefore, your best bet is to remain under the canopy of God. Wherever you are, there is the urgent need for you to talk to God. The fact that you are able to resist your father in the way you are doing underscores your spiritual superiority over him. Chances are he has also slept with your elder brother’s wife. Unlike you, he is not able to challenge your father. To be completely free of him and his powers, stop spending his money or using anything that comes from his money. You have to learn to make sacrifices, become self-dependent as well as finding yourself an apartment outside your father’s vast estate. As long as you depend on his money and resources, you might never win this battle you have set for yourself. It will weaken your position as well as compromise you. When you didn’t know the source of his wealth, you could escape the punishment but now that you know, it will count against you. Being a highly spiritual battle, you have to learn to pray and fast to gain access into the presence of God whose authority you must submit to completely come out of this in one piece. To help you, pray He directs you to the Person who will join and direct your cause. Out there, is someone He has prepared to join you in this confrontation with your father; you need Him to introduce both of you. The fact that your father keeps appearing to you at night makes the matter of prayer extremely urgent. Also, pray for spiritual recovery of your friend so he doesn’t die for helping you. This is where you should begin your prayers. Their aim is to isolate you from people who may want to help you find a solution. As long as you trust God, you will overcome. Good luck.

When is it right for a girl to have a boyfriend?

Dear Agatha, I am 18 and already being asked out by different men, both young and old. When I was 16, I had an adventure with a man, my lesson teacher which almost ruined my life. He tricked me into sleeping with him with the promise that a woman doesn’t get pregnant by doing it once. But for the help of my elder sister, my mother would have discovered I was three months pregnant. The worst thing is I didn’t know and when I went to inform him about my state, he denied me. It was my elder sister I turned to who took me to a doctor. As a result of the experience, I stayed off men until now that demand from men is almost choking. Besides, I am in two hundred levels. I want to know if it is alright to date men now and how I can avoid getting pregnant. I also want to know how to avoid sexual harassment from lecturers some who are already threatening to fail me if I don’t play ball. A lot of my friends are doing it and not hiding the fact they are using their bodies to pass examinations. I want to be guided by you. Also, at what age is it permissible for a young girl to go into a relationship? Juile. Dear Julie, First and foremost, be focused. It is essential you know what you have gone to school to do. It isn’t just about passing but, being able to defend your certificate. There are a lot of people who claim to be graduates but are no better than illiterates. At the end of the day, they not only embarrass themselves but call to question the image and prestige of the schools they claim they graduated from. As a young lady, always stand firm in the belief that you can be the best without compromising yourself. Refuse to be intimidated and if a lecturer persists or threatens to fail you on account of your refusal to sleep with him, you have various options available to you in checkmating him. This is why we have, the university senate, human rights activists and the media. Granted it could make you somehow unpopular among lecturers in your school but it would deter other lecturers from preying on the bodies of their female students. Because friends will always be part of your life, you must discover your own strength; carve a niche for yourself as well as the techniques of being your own person. Rather than be a part of the crowd, learn to be different and lead the crowd instead. Always remember, you are not your friends hence you must not behave like them at all. They are behaving that way because they are comfortable with the situation so why do something you are not comfortable with? Your example can help those friends of yours who have been brain washed to think they don’t have any choice in the matter know what their options are. Furthermore, you would be helping to preserve the integrity of the school in more ways than those randy lecturers realize. Like you have found out from your early experience; unplanned sexual escapades often than not, result in severe consequences for the girl. You got pregnant and would have ruined your future simply because one man deceived you into having sex with him by lying to you that a woman cannot get pregnant if she has sex once with a man. Although that abortion you did could have cost you your life, damaged your womb, that you are alive today is God’s grace. Don’t abuse it by taking unnecessary risks that could further devalue your womb as a woman. Go into a relationship with the right attitude. At 18 and in the university, you have attained maturity. This isn’t by age but what you have been able to achieve in terms of educational advancement. There are a lot of young girls older than you who can’t go into relationships because of their lack of credentials to do so. You are free to do so because in addition to getting an education in the university, it is also an opportunity for both young men and women to find their life partners. At this stage in your life, it will be unfair to ask you not to have a boyfriend. But in having one, ensure he aligns with your dreams for yourself. Many a time, the wrong company derails. Therefore, you need to be clear minded and headed in arriving at the right man for you. To ensure you come close to the right choice; first investigate who you are. To get it right be very honest with who you are. Don’t out of a desire to have a man in your life at all cost, date a man who lacks what it takes to make the real you happy or help you achieve your dreams in life. There are different kinds of men out there just like we have all sorts of women. In life there are those who help one grow and those who are experts at destroying others. For you to discover who any man is, don’t give in to sex. Begin by being friends with the man to enable you discover who he really is. Any man that puts too much sexual pressures on you or tells you that it demonstrates your love for him; keep such man at arm’s length. Any man who is in love with a woman doesn’t put sexual pressures on her. He allows things to happen naturally. Because relationship goes beyond sex, the man must be a good companion who never gets tired of offering assistance whenever you need it. He must also be the kind of man who is patient, trustworthy and respects you. In addition, he should be interested in your growth as a person. This includes sharing in your dreams and offering your ideas to further enhance your dreams. As a young lady desirous of making it in life, begin this early to place things in the hands of God. It is important to prevent you making mistakes in life. Good luck.