I want a divorce

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing, I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job. She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down as time wasn’t on her side. At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding. She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me. We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she recieved the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later. Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the months. I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church. Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship will be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behavior of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do? Troubled Soul. Dear Troubled Soul, Understanding in a marriage isnt what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this cross road because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices. Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy. While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather, it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union. You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony. If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings. The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been more firm and definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Every man that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check. Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts. For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and plan of your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will. That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home. Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning. Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter. Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her, what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you. To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this, it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier to resolve. There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her. When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind. You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails. In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve. Good luck.

My wife and sister fight all the time

Dear Agatha, My marriage is just seven years old. I am 38 while my wife is 32. We have two children and we are both working. Until the development I am about to share with you, I enjoyed peace because we both agreed we weren’t going to have any family member stay with us. I actually insisted on this following the breakdown of my elder brother’s marriage as a result of family interference. But I couldn’t resist asking my twin sister to move in with me when she also developed challenges in her own marriage. Although we aren’t identical twins we have always been very close. I couldn’t stand by and watch her suffer at all. I actually went to her husband’s house to pack her things. Our parents are both dead and my elder brother was going through his own challenges so my place was the only one left for her to stay. Besides, she didn’t have money to rent a place of her own just as I could also not afford it because we had just moved into our own house which was an on-going project. Even though I admit making the mistake of not first discussing with my wife before bringing my sister home, I thought she would understand the situation. That night, there was nothing she didn’t say to me when I told her that my twin would be staying with us until she was financially and emotionally strong enough to stand on her own, after all the house is big enough to accommodate us all comfortably. To say the least, I was disappointed with her total response to my sister’s situation. I don’t know if it informed her hard-line posture against her feelings on the matter but I told her that if she wasn’t pleased with my sister’s stay in the house she was welcome to go. I honestly didn’t mean it the way it came out because over 60 percent of the funds used in building the house, including the plot came from her. I just said that to keep her quiet and communicate the seriousness of my position to her. Unfortunately it caught her on the wrong side because from that point, she withdrew into her shell. She stopped asking me anything about the house and when I ask her for financial assistance, she would tell me, she doesn’t have any money with her. She also stopped using the family car I bought and instead started using hers. But the most challenging problem of all is the relationship between her and my sister who right in my presence has threatened to beat her up. I know my sister is a handful but my wife is not making things easy by her attitude. She doesn’t communicate with anyone at home except with her children and house-help. Whenever she sees my sister and I discussing, rather than join in, she would either sit or turn back. The last one happened when my sister who doesn’t take too much pepper complained about the quantity of pepper in her food. Instead of my wife apologising or offering an explanation, she completely ignored my sister who got annoyed and lashed out at her. It was an ugly development because my wife also talked back to her resulting into my sister slapping my wife who also retaliated. The reason I am writing is my wife’s refusal to apologise to my sister. She said she would rather end the marriage than do that. I love my wife but is it too much to ask if I tell her to apologise to my sister who is older than she is? I don’t understand why she is being difficult and stubborn about my sister’s presence in our home. Muyiwa. Dear Muyiwa, She has every reason to behave the way she is doing because you betrayed her. You went against a decision you in particular took without any considerations for her feelings or person. You didn’t act fairly towards her. In her shoes, would you endure or tolerate the situation? Marriage is about giving each other respect and consideration. You disrespected your wife by bringing your sister into your house without first telling her. You failed to reason with her by giving the option of packing out of the house if she wasn’t pleased with the decision you took. The mere fact that you went that far is enough for any woman to close her mind to all that is happening around her. That statement was careless and insensitive. The interpretation any woman would give to it is that you value your sister more than her and that her opinions are worthless to you. For a woman who contributed up to 60 percent to the cost of putting up the house, you didn’t act well towards her. Granted you reserve the right to bring anybody into your house but it is also her right to be told. There is no way you can bring anyone into your house without first seeking her consent especially someone whose stay is indefinite. She is the woman in the house whose duty it is to care for the person you are bringing in. By virtue of her position as the homemaker, she could make life very unbearable for your guest if she isn’t happy with the person. Honestly, you are a lucky man; your wife is a very rare woman not to have told your sister and the whole world whose money was more in the construction of the house. Right from the moment you threatened her, a very troublesome woman would have gone up in arms against you; accusing you of wanting to cheat her out of her investment. Trust me, your sister wouldn’t have been able to stay to complain about pepper if your wife fell into that category of women. Ask yourself if your sister would have tolerated what you are making your wife go through simply because you want to please your twin sister at all cost. You have already humiliated her enough; don’t insist on her apologising to your sister who in the first place had no right to slap your wife. If she has any respect for you, she would not have done that at all. The best she would have done was not to eat the food by excusing herself from the table. What did she hope to achieve by complaining about pepper in your presence if it wasn’t to cause commotion in your home? If her intentions were right, she would have secretly called your wife to point out her observations. The truth is you now have two wives living with you. Even though one is your sister, she is determined to ruin your marriage to your wife. Although you two appear to have a lot in common but as the man, you must learn to be reasonable in your actions. Your marriage doesn’t have to fail simply because your twin’s marriage did. Whatever it will cost you, move her away from your home if you truly love your wife as you claim. You and your twin sister are too much alike for any woman to cope with. Your marriage won’t survive for much longer if you insist on foisting your sister on your wife and marriage. She is your twin but you are now a married man with responsibilities of your own. Sincerely, this is the time for you to be truthful to yourself. Given the attitude she has put up so far, do you still think her husband was wrong in whatever actions he took against her? Do you think you were right to have taken her away from her home? Isn’t it high time you took her back to her husband to make peace between them? Don’t wait until your marriage is beyond redemption before you do what is right. Don’t protect your sister at the detriment of your own home and happiness. If your sister wants respect, she has to learn to give it to people around her. Follow this by apologising to your wife for every pain you have caused her. Indeed you haven’t been fair to her at all. The onus is on you to make your home happy. Good luck

We have difficulties finding words to say to each other

Dear Agatha, My relationship is a year old even though my boyfriend and I had been friends for six years before we started dating. I really love him but we are both schooling in different countries. While he is in England, I am in a German university. This arrangement started some few months ago. We met while in high school and could spend hours chatting with each other. Since the commencement of this distant relationship, things haven’t been the same. Unlike before, we appear not to have anything to say to each other. We run dry of words to say these days. In addition, I have the problem of sexual emotions to contend with. Nowadays I experience these strong urges to masturbate because I am always thinking of having sex with my boyfriend. I am an Indian girl so, really hard for me to do anything that will cause my father to be ashamed of me. I haven’t told my father that I’m dating as he would stop my studies and get me married off to an Indian man. My father has a very strong Indian cultural mind and as my English boyfriend is younger than I am, my father would never agree. Well the questions are, what should I do to control my urges which are becoming stronger by the day? What should I do to be able to talk to my boyfriend for more than five minutes or go beyond the lines of “how are you?” or “how was your day?” Could you also please advice me on how to deal with the situation as my boyfriend wants to talk to my father just to introduce himself so that my father starts liking him and allows him to be my boyfriend? Knowing my father, he will take it the wrong way; he could order me to marry him immediately. I am not against marrying my boyfriend but we are both young to think about it for now; besides, we just started our university education and would want to get a job before even thinking about that. I have gotten myself into a complicated situation which makes me so confused on how to proceed. Please help me. Tania. Dear Tania, The most important thing is the kind of future you want for yourself. More than anything else in life, that should be your focus. It is what you invest in your life now that comes to play in your later years. Every relationship has its transition period; your relationship is going through that period. This kind of period helps it to grow and appreciate in value. Without you both going through this phase, there will be no story to tell. Unless you are both not serious about pursuing a future for your relationship, you must learn to endure this period as you are both investing in the future you plan together. For this reason, learn to control all your urges. Even though these urges are concomitant to our nature as human beings, you must shroud them in envelops of self control. You are a young woman whose future is interwoven by the choices you make today. Without you making some essential sacrifices, including self denial, you will end up being distracted so much so you could lose concentration on your studies. This is why you must fight those urges and not allow them push you into a habit that might end up becoming your doom. Granted if one has been sexually active for a while and is suddenly separated from his or her partner as you are now, loneliness can shove the person into situations he or she would ordinarily not contemplate if with his her partner. But be careful you don’t develop a habit that will cause a secondary problem for you when your partner is back. Though most adults have at one time or the other engaged in some sorts of self expression, not everybody can manage it. A lot of people end up becoming addicts of an inclination meant to bring temporary ease. Therefore, learn to divert your mind from sex. Though not an easy task especially at night or when with two love birds, by channeling your attention to an interest that is totally engaging, will help remove your mind from sex or your loneliness. This is the point you get to, that you ask yourself what other thing apart from lovemaking gives you pleasure. In addition to the usual mercy of a cold bath, throwing yourself into a hobby you like the most, would provide you with the necessary diversion to cope with your loneliness. The tension of sex can sometimes impede fluent communication between lovers who live apart. Therefore, it is important, you both get this out of the way by sincerely discussing how the distance is affecting your moods; there is no harm in telling him how it is affecting you including the bit about you wanting to masturbate. By being frank with yourselves, discussing as sincerely as possible will go a long way in helping both of you rediscover what it was like between the two of you when you were both friends. The reason communication is stalling between both of you is the lack of knowledge on how to import the ease of your friendship into your romance. Although friends, you don’t know anything about your romantic natures beyond sex. Now that distance has caused a kind of separation between both of you, as the woman, you must dig into your communication skill to keep the relationship going until you are able to meet to discuss in persons. Discussion could also be elongated by making him talk about his environment, his lectures, new friends, the kinds of situations he is in and what makes university different from high school. By comparing notes with each other, you will have more than enough to say. It is a matter of being innovative and sincere at every point. Once you are able to break the few ice blocks romance has placed on your way, communication would become easier and more interesting between the two of you. As for your daddy, what is the essence of telling him when you and your man haven’t talked about having a future together? Besides, it is early days yet to be sure of where the relationship is leading to. Given the kind of culture in your country, impress it on your boyfriend to exercise patience to be sure you both want the same things and have an idea of what marriage is all about. It is only when you are sure that you should tell your father about him because the worst kind of mistake a young person can make is to introduce the wrong man or woman to his or her parents. Every parent wants to be sure his or her child has come home with the right man or woman. Until you are sure, learn to conduct your affair with a measure of responsibility. The joy of every parent is to have a daughter who knows her worth in gold. Even though you have become sexually active your graduating with very good result will make your father and family very proud of your achievement. If you cannot give your family or husband the gift of your womanhood, you can give them the gift of an excellent academic performance, even as you conduct your relationship with your boyfriend. It is always better to avoid certain messy situations with one’s family. It is called wisdom of choice. Keep encouraging your boyfriend until such a time you think it is right for him to meet with your father. Besides, it is you he should try to impress first before meeting with your father. If both of you are having difficulties conversing, that should worry him more than the issue of him meeting with your father. There would be no relationship at the end of the day to take home to your daddy if both of you don’t first get your acts together. This is what you must really emphasis on. Finally, learn to take your relationship one day at a time. Like a growing child, it must evolve naturally to the height you both want to take it to. Appreciate every stage your relationship is going through; it helps to stabilize and keep things exciting in a relationship. This way, you avoid confusion that comes from putting too many things on the front burner. For now, concentrate on you and your boyfriend getting to discover your strengths and abilities as two young persons who are in love and forced by distance to conduct a workable relationship. Getting your families involved would only cause unnecessary distractions at this vital stage. Good luck.

She is too dirty

Dear Agatha, My wife is the dirtiest woman I have ever met in life. It is so bad, I don’t bother bringing visitors to the home. Despite having pipe-borne water in the house, her kitchen is always littered with used plates, pots, spoons and cups. Sometimes, the pile could be seven days old. The toilets are as black as the dustbin. Imagine a situation where water flows freely in the house and she finds it difficult to flush the toilet. Sometimes, I would have bedbugs creeping out from my clothes in pubic places. To avoid such embarrassments, I took to keeping my clothes in the car. When I tried moving into the visitor’s room, she fought me all the way insisting that we must share a room together. That room has become like a junkyard that I wouldn’t know where to begin even if I insist on converting it into my room. Her personal hygiene too isn’t any better. She smells as she finds it very difficult to properly wash her body. My children are all boys hence can’t do much. As a matter of fact, her dirty habits prompted me to put my children in boarding school. Severally I tried getting house-helps but none of them stayed for more than a month because of the workload as well as her temper and suspicious mind. If she isn’t accusing me of trying to befriend these girls, she would find the smallest excuse to beat and harass them for one imaginary offence or the other. This provoked me, after years of complaining about her attitude and hygiene, to marry another woman. Most times, I stay over at the new woman’s house. Three years ago, I officially paid her dowry and she has a set of twins for me. I am very happy with her. My sons know about her and sometimes come to meet me at her place. She is known to my family and friends. In the last one year, I have stayed less and less with my first wife. I took pains to give you this background to make you appreciate the depth of my problem. My marriage to her is 20 years old. We got married under the native laws and customs of our people. About three weeks ago, she went to my second wife’s house to beat her up; as a matter of fact, one of the children is in the hospital now as I speak. She was hit by an object my first wife threw. I give God the glory that she is recovering from the injury and that it didn’t leave any permanent damage. Since the incident my family members have told her to go. My elder sister, who all the while has kept away from my home and affairs, is leading those who want her out. I am equally fed up of the whole thing. But my second wife is insisting that she would end our marriage if I drive away the first wife. She said, it would be unfair for me to drive her away after all these years. She is very adamant about it. Meanwhile my first wife is not repentant at all. She is threatening to deal with me, my second wife and her children. The church too has suspended me from my elder position because of the issue of having a second wife. It is really the least of my problem but my disappointment with the church leadership is their refusal to even give me a hearing. Their position is either I drive away my second wife or nothing. They want me to keep my first wife at all cost irrespective of everything she has done. A member of the elders’ council said concerning my daughter who is in hospital that my first wife was provoked beyond reason and that the church should overlook that matter. I felt and still feel bad because if that child had died or sustained a permanent injury, the leadership of the church would have also have described her act as extreme provocation. I need your help in this matter. Alfred. Dear Alfred, I am sure the issue of your first wife’s state of hygiene didn’t start after marriage. A woman with the kind of hygiene problem you described would have manifested some of it during your courtship years. It is either you didn’t notice them or that you decided to ignore them thinking you could cope as the years rolled by. Often that not, the silence-acceptance and tolerance of our partner’s short comings at the nascent stage of relationships turn out to be the bane of the union in later years. Today, you are facing so many issues in your marriage because you elected to turn blind eyes to an issue you should have handled with the seriousness it deserved at the early stage of your relationship. Had you done that, a lot of the ugly issues you are today battling with, would never have arisen at all. Given the picture you have painted of her, getting her to change might be difficult. This is because she is long set in her ways to change from who she current is, to what you want her to become. It is like a concrete mixture which once set, is impossible to shape. Her habit has permeated every pores of her body and life. To hope for her to change at this stage of her life is to wait endlessly for something that won’t happen. The only thing that would make her change is personal determination. But because she really doesn’t see anything bad in the habit she has nurtured all her life, she won’t. To her, she is normal; you are the one calling her ways unhygienic. So something has to make her change and that is her love for you. Unfortunately, you both lost it and forgot the reason for your coming together. You got too pre-occupied with her dirty habit; so much so, you got blinded to her good nature. Your inability to properly situate your feelings for her might have made her stubborn and too angry to change as a form of protest. In the process of trying to adjust into each other, you lost each other; bitterness and disappointment crept into your marriage. This has made it impossible for both of you to apply reason and find solutions to the crisis you are currently having in your marriage. Unfortunately, rather than find workable solution, you took another wife thereby complicating an already complex situation. Even though some people may argue that you had no choice but, the truth remains had you desired a workable solution, you could have done, irrespective of the condition of your home. As a man, you could have applied yourself more by getting a young man to come twice in a week to clean up your home since she was having issues with house-girls. The excuse that she insisted on sharing a room with you isn’t tenable. At that point, you should have told her exactly how you felt, how you have had it with bedbugs creeping out of your clothes everyday at work, how embarrassed of your home you were and how difficult you find living in a dumpsite is. These words though would have hurt her, would also have made her think sufficiently as to want to make a change in her attitude and disposition to her home. No woman wants to lose her home to another woman. That would have been sufficient reasons for you to justify your relocation to the guest room; a move you would have used in teaching her what good hygiene is. Although going to your second wife to fight her to the extent of injuring an innocent child isn’t right but you also didn’t behave right by taking another woman as wife. If you have been married to her for 20 years, it means you cannot totally absolve yourself from the mess your home and wife are. To some extent, you are also dirty to have endured staying in a house as dirty as the one you described. Frankly, it shows your weakness as a man. If you had from the very beginning put your feet down, applied yourself as the man of the house, the situation in your home wouldn’t have degenerated to this level. The church can only advise and not insist on how you manage your home. However, the truth remains that as the head of your home, you owe it to yourself to define your happiness. You are the one wearing the shoes hence knows the most painful point. Good enough you married the two women under the native laws and customs of our land. This means you are free to practice polygamy. No matter how much the children from your first marriage love your second wife, they will never be happy if you throw their mother out of your life, which means, a meeting of everyone in the family has to be called to sort things out. Don’t forget she has given you 20 years of her life, whatever her shortcomings maybe. In the worst case scenario, you will lose your position as an elder but negotiate peace in your home. Get the two women and their children together. By now, your first wife must have realized her mistakes. Every woman will react the way she has done if in her shoes; no woman wants a mate. Don’t forget under her pile of dirt and imperfection, is the woman you once loved and cared for. Your angel wife today could turn out to be something else tomorrow. It is only you that can help yourself to be happy. Good luck.

His mother is the irritation in our relationship

Dear Agatha, Thanks for all your efforts at helping people solve their problems. I have one that I want to share with you. I really don’t know what to do. I got married to an old friend I picked from the streets. We dated for close to three years before we got married. Because I was pregnant, my parents did everything possible to make us happy irrespective of the fact that his mother didn’t contribute anything to the wedding. Unfortunately, I lost the baby after the wedding and ever since, he and his mother have been misbehaving to the extent he has asked me to go. According to him, the baby that brought us together is gone. I tried to make him see reasons to keep the marriage going but I eventually left as it was obvious that his mind was made up. A month after, he called me to come back home. Three months after I came back, it has been one problem or the other. If he isn’t accusing my mother of being the cause of the death of my unborn child; she took me to the hospital when he or his mother weren’t ready to do anything to save my life and that of the unborn child because of his lack of job. Whenever we fight, he picks his things and goes over to his mother’s to stay. Recently, he accused me of answering calls in the night. He not only beat me as a result of it but picked his things and left for his parents’. When my daddy called his mother, she lied that she wasn’t in town so I went to his office to ask for the money he owes me since he has asked me to leave the house as it was over between us. He called his mother who in turn called my father, telling him she doesn’t even know if her son and I are really married hence, the need for us to go our different ways. I have left his house for my parents’. Can I start another relationship because I am bored being alone? Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, No matter the challenges your marriage is going through, wisdom demands you apply caution. No marriage is without challenges, sacrifices and sometimes regrets. You are going through these challenges because at inception, you didn’t put the right things in place. People don’t get married because they have to but, because they want to. You got married because you got pregnant; not for the reason that you both desired it at that moment. But having done it, you must put in everything to make it work. A lot of us go through life with burdens we can do without. This is because a lot of us refuse to outgrow our childhood days. Unknowingly, we bring into our adult lives unnecessary garbage from our youths. Some of the mistakes we make in our adult lives are actually those we ignorantly think are right for us, the mistakes of our parents and all the adults that had one thing or the other to do in our lives. Because we grew up believing those mistakes are normal, we imbibe them and infect our own happiness with the pestilences from the past. The burden of your marriage began the moment you and your husband accepted to take on the burdens of your sets of parents marriages. None of you bothered to investigate the failures of your own parents’ marriages, instead you allowed them infect your lives with whatever issues they have been battling with in their own marriages which you and your husband know but are too blind by affections for your parents to see. Honestly, there is no way you can both move beyond the point your marriage is, if you and your husband don’t move out of the control of your sets of parents. In addition, you need wisdom to overcome the overbearing influence of a mother-in-law. You have made the first major mistake of not knowing the nature of your husband before getting married to him; don’t make another costly mistake of ending this marriage without X-raying precisely what you feel for him. Granted things are not too good between both of you now but, if left on your own to tailor your own ways by your parents, things might turn out differently. He’s too much of a mummy’s boy to see beyond his nose and you are too much of your parents’ child, to bother about managing your home like a real woman serious about the well-being of her marriage should. This is why you need to exercise some patience for now; at least, until you are sure of what you really feel for your man and marriage. This is the point you ask yourself the all important questions, did you ever love him that much to have married him in the first place? Would you have married him if it hadn’t been for the pregnancy? If the baby was the reason for the marriage then; what do you feel now for him? Do you think you have the emotional stamina to make things work between the two of you if given the chance? As a matter of fact, how deep is your love for this man? There is also the matter of your perception of him. In your mail, you said you picked him from the streets. This kind of attitude often than not, gets one into trouble because once you think it, you unknowingly begin to act it in such a way the other person is made to feel inferior. If this is the case, there is no way your husband or his family can be comfortable with that kind of attitude from you or your family. In the first place, it was wrong of your parents to have completely taken on the wedding expenses. No matter how much money they have, they should have allowed him contribute something to the wedding after all, it was also his wedding. Doubtless, your parents meant well, thought they were doing you and your man a favour but experience should have taught them that in matters concerning marriages and in-laws, caution should be applied to avoid wrong interpretation of one’s motives. As the case is now, your in-laws are misrepresenting the offer of your parents to sponsor the wedding to mean you would dominate their son. Perhaps the opposition to your marriage wouldn’t have been this stiff if your parents had left the two of you to manage your problems, when you got pregnant. Sponsoring the wedding to your in-laws looked as an act of desperation; one done to make them appear inadequate as well as inferior. There was no way they wouldn’t have sourced money from friends or relations if they had approved of you in the first place. Telling you and your family they don’t have money was to show their lack of support for your relationship with their son. This is the issue your parents should have tackled instantly instead of paying for the wedding expenses. The fact that they failed to act where and when they should contributed to the problem you are having with your husband today. As it is, if you want to have peace in your marriage, it is high time you took responsibility for your actions. There is no marriage in life that is free of problems. The difference between successful and failed marriage is the extra efforts we put into it. If you end this marriage on account of the issues you are having with your husband, would you also run away when problems come in your new relationship? Problems are meant to be solved, so learn to tackle the one you have in your marriage now to avoid greater problems in future. Begin by praying for your husband; he needs your support now more than ever before. It isn’t normal for a man to always pack from his home to his parents’ whenever there is a disagreement between him and his wife. This is the point you begin your prayers from since it underscores an inherent problem somewhere. He certainly isn’t acting normally. It is important you stand in gap for him. This is in addition to changing your attitude because there are things that need practical solutions which prayers cannot change. Do a check of all the things and ways you are a problem in your marriage. Granted, your husband may have his own problems but only a wise woman knows how to curvature her home to success. Overtime, with the right attitude, your in-laws would come to see the goodness in you and accept you for who you are. It takes patience and wisdom to win the toughest of marital problems. Good luck.

Am I too old for her?

Dear Agatha, I must commend you for the wonderful salvation you are giving to the relationships of countless people. I wrote you two years ago about a teenager I was in love with and wanted to marry. She was 17 then and I was in my mid 20s. You advised me to wait patiently until she is mature. Now I think she’s mature but it seems she is not ready for me. I’ve offered to train her in school myself and support her in every possible way. But she’s a little bit reluctant. She asked me to wait for additional four years. I can do that for her but my fear is, she might change her mind about me and go for another man. It’s possible she might give a reason that I have become too old for her. How do I make her change her mind. I love her and wish to spend the rest of my life with her. Chinenye. Dear Chinenye, You can force a horse to the river but cannot force it to drink water. Marriage is lot more serious than you are thinking. It is a journey of a lifetime. For it to be enjoyable and not something you endure, it must be contracted with the right kind of person. Yes, you do love this young lady but is she in love with you? Does she share in your desire to spend your lives together? Does she have the passion to get married now? Don’t forget that, like you, she reserves the right to fall in love with the kind of person she wants. If she is refusing you to pay for her schooling, then she knows what she wants from life. She clearly doesn’t want anything that would force her into making a decision she might regret later in life. The truth about life is that not everyone we fall in love with would end up permanently in our lives. She wants the freedom to make her decision when the time comes for her to think of settling down. If for nothing else, give her credit and respect. If she is asking for four years, it is simply because she wants to be more definite about many things in life. Don’t force her into a situation both of you will never enjoy at the end of the day. It is always best not to venture into a marriage than go into one that would leave a very bitter taste in one’s mouth. This young lady may not have the kind of answer you want from her now but, she has the depth of character to stick to whatever promise she makes. To understand her kind of person better, why not talk to her first as person rather than the woman you want to marry? Get to know her kind of person, her dreams, her plans for herself as well as the time she needs to get to that point of being ready to share her space and life with a man. While at it, ask her who her ideal man is? There is no way you can measure your relevance or a future between the two of you without first knowing if you come close to the kind of man she wants in her life. Hearing from her would help you answer all the important questions of whether or not she will want you around her in the four years she has given you. Most times, we don’t get our answers from what a person is saying but from the signals the body is transmitting. If you are observant and deep, you will know from what she isn’t saying what her real answers are. But beyond your desire to marry her, it is important you first become a good friend to her. By doing this, you are giving her as well as yourself the chance to know each other, put your feelings for her to test as well as taking your dreams a step further. It will also give her a chance of appreciating the age differences. There is the likelihood that the almost a decade differences in your ages is what is frightening her. By being friends with her, you make it easy for her to correctly assess your person, attitude as well as outlook to life generally. You must appreciate that at her age of 19, being in your mid 20s can really sound ancient. This is because she is just emerging into a young adult; that she is at that time of her life when like a young butterfly, freedom means so much. Not every woman wants to exchange the nest of her family for that of her husband very soon. She wants to experience, like most young women of her age, the thrills of being young. Certainly, you cannot take that away from her. If she perceives you to be understanding of this stage of her life, as well as understand your willingness to let her grow at her own pace, she might really come to see you differently; a friend, she can depend on anytime. Let the decision to marry you come also from her heart. It is the only way it can last. if you can wait, do so but if not, it only means that both of you aren’t meant to be. Good luck.

My stepson hates me

Dear Agatha, I got married to my second husband two years ago. His first wife left him to marry another man. According to my husband, she hasn’t looked back since she left almost a decade ago, not even to visit the children. They have three children; her last-born was barely a year when she left. Aware of the complexity of marriage, I tried to find out from his friends and family members what the real issues were in his former marriage to warrant the woman packing out and leaving her very young child. Everybody including the lady’s cousins place the blame squarely on her shoulders. Nevertheless, I refrained from passing any judgment because I also didn’t come with a clean record. My own first marriage collapsed. My second husband came at the point I was almost giving up hope of getting married again 12 years after. Right from the first day he brought me home to meet with the children; his eldest son didn’t hide his dislike for me. The others, after the first few weeks, opened up to me. But nothing I do or say makes an impression on him. Before he left for school, I tried all I could to make him my friend but he rebuffed me and actually told me once to stay out of his way. To think my last born is a year older than he is, got me very angry and I would have given him a piece of my mind if my mother-in-law didn’t come in at the time she did to visit us. I was too angry to conceal the situation I was contending with from her, so I had no choice but to tell her the incident that took place minutes before she came. She instantly sent for the boy only to be told by him that he had no wish to be disturbed by her or anybody. Since she was staying the night, she eventually was able to talk to him as well as her son. Although my husband was angry with the son, he told me when we were alone that I should appreciate that the boy is still very young and yet to understand so many things happening in his life. I wanted to point out that the boy in question is 17 but I kept mute. Having learnt that life is governed by patience and tolerance, I left everything I was doing late last year to visit him in school. I went with his siblings but to my acute embarrassment, he didn’t even acknowledge my presence; not even when his brother and sister were dragging him to come and greet me. He told them to leave him alone and walked away. From where I stood beside the car, I could sense the confusion on the faces of the children. They were torn between going after him and coming to me. I had to wave them to follow him while I sat in the car too angry and hurt to do anything but to call their father. By the time the other two came, I had made up my mind about him. I was never going to go out of my way to be nice to him. When we got home, I told my husband of my decision. He wanted to appeal but one look at my face made him change his mind. Given the over indulgence of their father in all the years he was alone with them; he took care of them himself; this young man is totally lacking in respect for anybody including his father whom he talks to anyhow. The main reason I am writing has to do with the behaviour he put up in the presence of my children when they came to visit. We were all watching a particular programme when he came in. He didn’t even bother to greet me or acknowledge the greetings of my children instead he changed the channel to what he wanted to watch, sat down without so much as offering apologies to anybody. When his brother complained, he ordered him out of the living room. My children were livid with anger but I calmed them down insisting it was no business of theirs. I am fed up of the whole thing. Whenever he is around, it is always one problem or the other between the father and I. I think he does most of the things deliberately, to provoke me to leave his father. Please help me understand what I should do because I can’t take it anymore. Rosemary. Dear Rosemary, Every marriage comes with its garbage. The secret to overcoming these kinds of messy situations is to be patient. His days in that house are numbered. Besides, don’t see his behaviour as being targeted at you. The truth is he is fighting the system that made his mother leave his father at the age he needed her most and for not making her look backwards to visit them. He is lashing out at anything and everything he didn’t have as a child. Until he comes to the realisation that marriage is a complicated and intricate weave, which can go apart at the slightest tug. His own experiences later in life will teach him so many things he doesn’t understand now. Until he gets to that juncture in life when he will be forced to reevaluate his opinions about so many things, learn to ignore him after all, if you were his mother, you won’t throw him away instead you will continue to pray for him to change. He must have been young when his mother left him and by virtue of his position as the eldest, had dominated the household until you came into the scene. Granted his father may have over-indulged them but there is little he can do given the circumstances he finds himself in. Apart from dealing with his disappointment as a human being, he also had the added responsibility of parenting children that were so young. It couldn’t have been easy for him managing his own emotions with that of tending for his children. Overtime he must have come to depend on his first son to care for the younger ones in his absence. In his shoes, such freedom for such a young person could intoxicate. Freedom is such a funny thing; when given without strings of responsibilities, it could be destructive. This young man had all the freedom in the world to do and undo; asking him by your mere presence in his father’s life and home to give it up is bound to elicit this kind of reaction he is putting up. Having tried to win him over to no avail, rather than let him get under your skin to the extent of taking it out of his father, ignore him completely. Whenever he is around, pretend he doesn’t even exist at all. Talk through him even when he is there by sending his younger ones to inform him of where his food is or whatever message you want to pass across. Nothing hurts like being treated as if one is completely invisible. From my experience as a child, it hurts more than the anger of my mother who was an expert at applying the invisible approach in beating back into line. Whenever he is watching a particular programme, change the channel without even a glance his way. When he makes an angry response, laugh as if enjoying the programme on the television. Don’t give in to anger especially in his presence; it will teach him to ask for permission also before changing channels too. To avoid unnecessary tension between you and your husband, brief him on what you intend to do so that when he goes to his father with the report, he won’t do anything to upset or embarrass you in the presence of his son. On your own, begin to pray for him. He is really bitter at all that is happening to him. No matter how you look at it, life hasn’t been fair to this young man. The other two are not as affected because they can’t remember what their mother looked like. To them, it has always been just them and their father. Therefore having you is a thing of joy for them. You are the first mother they know unlike him that knew what it was like to have a mother from the beginning. He will eventually thaw but it will take a lot of patience and sincere love to bring out the angel in this young man who is also battling young adulthood. Good luck

His first wife appears to be using charms on him

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am the second wife of my husband. Although he came with some of his friends to pay my bride price, most of his family members are unaware of my existence in his life. The day I accompanied him to his hometown, he introduced me to his mother as his colleague. The reason, he said, was to prevent gossips and the information about my existence getting to his first wife, he described as being very troublesome. I agreed to this kind of arrangement because at 38 and with a child from a previous marriage, he is the only one that offered to marry me. Every other man that has come into my life only wanted my body. They abruptly end the relationship whenever I broach the issue of marriage. In addition he cares deeply for my son. But I am becoming bothered about certain things. Since we got married about seven months ago, he has only slept in my house thrice and even at that he entertains calls from his first wife late into the night. Even when I crave for private moments with him, he will not put off his phone to enable him take her calls. I am about eight months gone; he hasn’t given me money to buy baby things. The last time I asked, he said, he doesn’t have money that I should use my money to buy the things. He promised to refund just like he made a similar pledge when I used the money on me to pay for my accommodation. He hasn’t refunded the money till date. Being a civil servant, I am aware he doesn’t have so much money to spread but is it right for me to be using my money to pay for bills he is supposed to pay for? Is it right for him to keep ignoring my feelings simply because he doesn’t want to other woman to know about me? My mother who is in the know about everything is saying I should be patient but I cannot understand why he isn’t bothered about my welfare as well as that of his unborn baby. Recently, he and some of his colleagues did a deal and his share of it was N150, 000. 00. I wanted him to pay the money into my account because my delivery date is drawing nearer. Rather than do that, he went to the hospital and deposited N75, 000. 00. He said he can’t give me everything because he also has to complete the payment of the school fees of his children. I really felt let down by his argument. I am carrying his child. What if we run into an emergency that would require more money? Would I be expected to bring out money to balance it? I really don’t know what to make of all that is happening to me. I am seriously thinking of walking up to his wife to tell her about me as being suggested by my friends. With the way he is going, I stand to lose if anything happens to him. He recently bought a piece of land; if I don’t make myself obvious to his family and friends; the first wife will take away everything leaving me un-provided for. I don’t understand why he is so afraid of her: he behaves most time like a man under the influence of juju. What do you suggest I do? Worried Second Wife Dear Worried Second Wife, You knew the rules of the game before you entered into it so why are you complaining or do you want to change the rules mid-game? As a matter of fact, if there is anyone to be accused of using charms, a lot of people would readily accuse you of seeking the assistance of charms to marry another woman’s husband. Don’t forget you are the strange woman in the relationship between this woman and her husband. You are the one who agreed to marry her husband despite knowing he already has a family, who is insisting on sharing his resources, time, future with her and her children. Why didn’t you allege influence of charms when he insisted he wasn’t going to introduce you to his parents before or after the marriage? Why did it take the matter of property and money to make you come this conclusion? In your own interest, you should abide with the arrangement both of you made. It would be absolutely wrong for you to betray him by going to the woman he told you from day one must not know about you. All the attitudes you are putting up now should have been exhibited at the very beginning when he spelt out his options especially at the point he introduced you to his mother as his colleague. Honestly, the wife has no business with you. if you want to be introduced to the family, it isn’t his wife you should go to; it is actually to his mother. Since you were not bold enough back then to challenge his wisdom and reason in passing you off to his mother as a colleague instead of his second wife; allow the matter to rest especially as you had faith in his arguments back then. Irrespective of the propriety of your decision to marry this man; your union is still too young to be experiencing the kinds of challenges it is going through. Every marriage requires plenty doses of tolerance, wisdom and patience. You have to learn to trust in your husband and his decisions. Even where you think his attitude is unfair to you, there are ways of going about it. That is why dialogue is often advocated for couples no matter how old or young they are in marriage. See whatever is happening in your marriage as integral to the success if the union in the long run. Every couple must go through certain kinds of challenges to give their relationship its character. You must appreciate that both of you are two different people, with dissimilar attitudes, reactions and beliefs. Both of you must first deal with your diversity before you can enjoy what life and marriage offer. Rather than go to your friends for wrong counsels why not call your man and iron out every issue you are confused about. But you must first know what you are going to discuss else your attempt to resolve the issues would end up in both of you fighting if your presentation is laced in selfishness. The important question here is, why are you against him paying his children school fees? The fact that he deposited half of the money at the hospital shows that he has you in mind. That money is enough to clear your bills if it is a normal delivery which is what you should pray for. If he doesn’t pay the school fees of those children, they maybe stopped from attending classes. Nothing should interfere with a child’s education; so allow him be. The fact that he owes you money for rent and for baby things is not enough reason for you to fight him or question his motive on this issue. Don’t forget he didn’t have to tell you about the money. If you make too much trouble with him over this matter, chances are he will never discuss money with you again after all what you don’t know won’t hurt you. Rather than risk him mistrusting you over money matters, calm down and objectively take a relook at this matter. If you were in the other woman’s shoes, how would you feel if your children are sent out of school as a result of the inability of their father to pay their fees? More than you, she and her children have rights over this man’s resources and time. You are the one that has come to disrupt things between them. She contributed to the man you are now married to and must have done a lot for him for your husband to have insisted you keep out of her view. If as second wife you are this agitated over issues that you should gently handle, one can only imagine what your reactions would be as first wife. To enjoy this man, accept the way he is leading you and forget those friends of yours. They don’t mean well for you. If it were easy for you to find a husband, I am sure you and your mother wouldn’t have agreed to his terms. The fact that you both willingly did, shows the level of desperation you got to before this man came along. Don’t think having secured him through pregnancy or the kind of rushed traditional marriage you did, would make him stay if he doesn’t want you anymore. You should be grateful that he finds time to spend with you at all. If he insists on keeping his phone on while with you; respect his reasons since he is the one wearing the shoes. Frankly, it would have been a different matter if he didn’t explain everything to you, just started behaving funny after he married you. But having taken time to explain in details, go with the tide. Remember only the patient dog eats the fattest born at the end of the day. Good luck.

Should I tell my brother about her rotten past?

Dear Agatha, I am in a dilemma of whether to destroy my brother’s happiness by telling him all the things I know about his wife to be or allow the matter to rest. About two months ago, my elder brother brought home the lady he plans to marry. Unfortunately for the lady, I know too much about her. we attended the same university and lived in the same hostel. She had the reputation of being a commercial sex worker. She didn’t hide the fact that she sold her body in exchange for money. Once the price was right, this girl will sleep with anything in trousers. She was also into campus cultism At a time she was dating the father of my roommate. When my friend threatened to report the affair to her mother, she came into our room with some of her cult members to beat her up and left with a warning that the next time, it may not just be beating but bathing her with acid. From that point, my friend stayed off the case of her father and this lady until the relationship expired on its own. Throughout our stay in the university, she was notorious with a capital N. We also served in the same State. You can therefore imagine my surprise when she turned out to be the woman my elder brother wants to spend the rest of his life with five years after. He is our only son and I love him dearly. He is the most kind hearted man I know. If I expected her to deny knowing me, she didn’t. Right there in the presence of my family, she told them she knew me; that we attended the same school and served in the same State. She also told them we weren’t close in school even though we were in the same hostel. From my facial expression, my mother sensed something was wrong. She asked if I knew her, I answered in the affirmative and garbled about her not being good enough for my brother. She silenced me with one of those looks that meant, “keep quiet and mind your own business”. Mothers being mothers, she called me later to tell her what I know about the lady; without holding anything back, I told her everything. She didn’t respond for about 30 minutes and when she did, I almost fainted. She told me not to say a word to my brother; that looking at both of them, they were really in love and that he would not welcome any interference by me in his affairs. She concluded that I should in the interest of peace in the family pretend to like his choice. I honestly don’t agree with my mother who has always been too fair for my liking. She is one of those women who is passionate about allowing sleeping dogs be. I am so confused about everything. Much as I want to mind my business, the thought of her, with her past record is making me apprehensive about the future of that marriage. I don’t want her near my brother let alone as his wife. How do I separate them? She is bad news. Angelica. Dear Angelica, Do you know that people can change? That between the time, you both parted ways and when she met your brother, she could have changed for the better? That love has the power to change a bad woman to a good and humble woman? That your brother might have a hand in this change? I am sure you are conscious of the instruction of God in His Holy Book that we should refrain from judging others so that we won’t be judged by others. Granted you have every right to want to protect your brother from a woman you know has the kind of reputation that might destroy him but matters of the heart, are not mathematics where one plus one equals two. The chemistry of love is too strong and complex to be understood by the uninitiated. Except you have experienced that unusual impact of love, with all its power and awesomeness, you cannot understand what your brother and this woman feel for each other. Besides, who is clean of a not too pleasant past? Can you in all honesty come clean with some of the things you have done at one time or the other? As long as a woman isn’t a virgin on her wedding night, she is as guilty as the commercial sex worker that stands by the road. It doesn’t matter if she has conducted herself well all her life, the fact that she came into her matrimonial home with the blemish of experience, she stands also to be condemned by her husband or any member of his family. This is because any man can claim to have had her before she met her husband. This lady too can turn round to say the same things you are saying about her if she is the hard fighter. It would be her word against your own if you aren’t intact. If your mother who has more experience than you in matters of the heart is asking you to back off despite having the full dossier on her, drop the matter. She sees far ahead of you and knows that the heart of the man once hooked, can forgive his woman every sin she might have committed in the past. And what makes you think she hasn’t told your brother about her past? Her courage to admit knowing you in school and that both of you served together, should sound an alarm bell that this lady is confident and secured in the love of her man. Another woman not so confident would have either denied knowing you, not recalling your face or that you two were the best of pals. That she told the truth about your relationship with her is pregnant with meaning which if you are wise should make you wary of direct inference in this matter. Women with such experiences are always wise to come clean when they eventually find the right kind of man. Their experiences have made them too knowledgeable in the ways of men to keep quiet about the past. What I think you should do if you must, is to invite her out for a date. Tell your brother it is a girls’ thing. Since both of you attended the same school, served together and as she is about to become your sister-in-law, you want to catch up on old times. When alone, ask her pointed questions about her life in the last five years; how she met your brother and the major one you want to know; her current lifestyle. Don’t go antagonizing her. You will only make things difficult between the two of you. Don’t forget that as the wife of your only brother, she holds the key to the peace and well being of your family. This is why you should be careful how you go about this. She could make it impossible for you and your brother to be friends for life. Being the wife of the head of the family, she could insist on doing things that will exclude you from the rest of the family. So be careful because men, whether they admit to it or not, are subject to the authorities of their wives. They get close to only the people their wives approve of. This is not to say you shouldn’t let her know what you think of her but be very mature in your presentation. If she hasn’t told your brother everything about her past, insist she does to protect her home and if she has, wish her all the best of luck. Chances are both of you can be friends if you handle this matter very well. Even though what I am about to say isn’t an excuse for her behavior, the condition of her family may have forced her into the kind of life-style she lived then. Not every girl that gains admission to school has a sponsor. Her determination to succeed at all cost may have made her crossed her mind to the thoughts of people about her. You were not in her shoes so won’t know what she was going through back then. But asking her will help throw light into the thoughts that must have been going through her mind then. In addition, your brother must have seen certain qualities in her that convinced him to propose to her. Respect his own feelings too. Instead of discouraging him, pray for both of them to find happiness and fulfillment in each other. Good luck.

I will never trust a woman again

Dear Agatha, I am 32 years of age. I had a son when I was in the university but didn’t marry the mother of my child because I caught her in bed with my best friend. Everything in me died that day. I lost confidence in myself, friends and the world generally. I loved her with my entire being. I was ready to do anything for her and my best friend, we were like brothers. I felt really betrayed. Unfortunately, I walked into them with another friend who in turn told other friends. Left to me, I wouldn’t have bothered telling anybody about it. Following this development, some of my friends pressured me to contest the paternity of my son but my mother insisted the child was mine. She said, the baby was my replica at that age. The assurance from my mother didn’t make me question the paternity of my child. Eight years down the road, the boy is my mirror age and my source of unconditional joy. I have had several relationships but none lasted beyond the first few months. After that incident, I became ruthless with women. When she came back to beg me, I didn’t turn her away but instead humiliated her by sleeping with her for several months before showing her the exit door. I didn’t stop at that, I made sure the new woman I was dating then and her friends witnessed her disgrace. From that point, it was kiss and drop because I see deceit in every woman. It almost affected my relationship with my mother and siblings but they were very understanding of my state of mind. Emotionally, I have been a mess since that incident. But last year, I was able to take control of myself and decided to fall in love again. Although my present girlfriend appears responsible and is loving but I cannot get the image of my first girlfriend out of my mind. Each time I want to trust my current girlfriend, the image of my ex and my former best friend making love appears to destroy everything. I hear that my former best friend and my ex got married. This piece of information makes me more determined to hurt as many women as possible. Unfortunately, it is affecting my relationship with my current girlfriend who on the surface appears to be a well brought up girl. Just two weeks ago, she informed me that she is pregnant. This is where my real fear comes from. What if the child is a trap or not mine? What if another friend is sleeping with her? Can I ever trust another woman again? Will I ever be rid of pains of that betrayal? Agatha, help me; deep down I see women generally as devils. Paul. Dear Paul, First you have to rid your mind of the notion that women are evil. Both men and women need each other to be fully complete. That one woman betrayed shouldn’t stop you from trusting again. There is no adult that hasn’t a sad love tale to tell. Relationship and disappointment go hand in hand. Life is about pains, disappointments and joy. Sometimes God takes away bad people from our lives to enable Him give us a better person. Rather than bemoan the fact that you caught your ex with your former best friend, why not look at the flip side of the coin; that of appreciating God for making it happen before you committed the mistake of marrying a woman who would have been sleeping with your best friend behind you or one that would have stood you up at the altar. Which one would have been more painful-finding out too late that you married the wrong woman or what you witnessed? If she and your friend eventually got married to each other, it should tell you that both of you weren’t meant to move beyond the point you parted ways. What you owe each other is that child. So why remain bitter against something fate didn’t plan for you? Besides, you cannot afford to hold on to this grudge longer than necessary because you are the one who is suffering from it all. Both of them are married and living their lives; if they weren’t happy with each other, they won’t end up getting married. Irrespective of what they did to you, they are obviously happy with each other. They can’t be bothered with what or how you feel about them: if God hasn’t approved of a thing, who is man to make it happen? Honesty, you should be grateful to God for His mercy rather than wallow in self pity and bitterness at what could have been. What would you have done if the incident happened after you have married her? Going through a bad marriage is one of the worst things that can happen to a man or woman in life especially if all your life, you have looked forward to having a happy home. You have mourned for too long. Not every relationship we enter into ends up in marriage. That you both have a child together isn’t the same as having a good life together. She has made her choice, time for you too to make your choice else the world will think you are the problem. As a matter of fact, your reaction is unwittingly making you a monster to many women who have been unjustly hurt by your refusal to let go of the memories of your hurt. No matter what your justifications are, the women you have hurt will use your example to judge all men who come their way. Like you are doing now, they will label men too as devils and in turn throw away their chances to happiness in a relationship with a better man than you. You have every right to be hurt but making others suffer for your inability to outgrow your pains after eight years isn’t fair. By now, with more age on your side, you should realize love is a chemistry that happens in unexpected places. Sometimes, it is so blind it can happen when you least expect and between two very odd persons. Unless you give yourself another opportunity to love again, experience a different kind of woman, you will never know what true love is all about. With the right kind of woman, you will overtime come to appreciate the essence of love. Life is a risk. Just like you are taking a risk falling in love with her, she is also taking a risk entrusting her heart and life to you. Love is a gamble but it behooves you to trust in your own decisions to make it work. You are feeling the effects of that betrayal and pains because you have refused to let go. It is imperative you bury the memories of that betrayal so as to be free to love this woman in your life. You have to let happiness permeate your current relationship by making out time to find out who your current woman rally is. It is the only way to build trust again. She must have a very special quality for you to have fallen in love with her notwithstanding your current disposition to women. This is what you should devote your time to finding out instead of looking for excuses where none is. Besides, your ex didn’t even foist on another man’s child so why are you afraid this one would? Create time for both of you to really be together to talk. The power of dialogue is great in healing wounds, no matter how old. Without you giving yourself a chance to experience the good side of a woman, how will you find out the angels within women? For every bad person, there are two good ones waiting to be discovered around the corner. Women are not all devils just as men are not too. Situations and circumstances we find ourselves influence our reactions to certain things. You will be surprised to discover that God has sent an angel your way to heal you. Your refusal to let go of yesterday’s memories may have blocked you from appreciating her but deep in your subconscious is that awareness that she is good for you hence the reason you fell in love with her despite your antagonism towards women. Once you give yourself the freedom to trust again, you will definitely be happy one more time. Trust is all you need to obliterate all the nagging questions you have allowed to hunt you about women and relationships. Good luck.

Is this man in love with me?

With Agatha Edo Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age, have a boyfriend who resides some distance from me. He claims to love me but doesn’t call me on phone. I am the one who is always calling him. Even though I cannot say how much he loves me, I know I love him more. My worry is, if he loves me as he claims. It is so confusing for me because he doesn’t show it. How can love exist where there is no communication? If I don’t call, he won’t bother. It appears as if he completely forgets about my existence if I don’t make the call. I have kept calling him because he means so much to me. It hurts so much. My friends who are in the know think I am being stupid and foolishly in love. Do please tell me what to do. Mary. Dear Mary, The fact that he doesn’t call you as frequently as you do may not be the right barometer for measuring how much he loves you. We all have our individual differences in terms of communicating our affections as well as our disposition to issues. He may not belong to those who think phone calls are very necessary. Besides, he may not be economically strong enough to invest in buying recharge cards to make the quantity of calls you want him to make. The things we count as important are what we willingly invest in. As a man, he may feel there are more issues deserving of his attention now than calling you at every given opportunity. Besides, since you have taken on the responsibility of doing it, he may feel there is no need for him to. Every relationship requires one party to make the more sacrifice to ensure its workability. You just could be the one required to make that sacrifice now. However it doesn’t mean you don’t have a point at all. He should be able to call at least once a week. The fact that he is leaving you to make all the calls certainly calls for concern and worry. There is no relationship without communication; it is the fuel needed by every relationship to stay on track. Without you making the efforts you are making now, this relationship would long have died a natural death. But beyond that; this isn’t the kind of issue you resolve through confrontation or anger. It is a matter you discuss in person. Whatever it will cost you, make the effort to go to him to express your unease with the situation. Let him know what you think of his attitude and, the message this is communicating to you. By seeking ways of resolving this issue, you give your relationship a new way of surviving these initial problems. You also have to protect yourself from being taken for granted. No doubt, you desire this relationship to work but you also have to give it some space to respire naturally. This is to avoid you coming across as being desperate. You have shown him you care, love him but it is time you allow him to woo you as a man. Chances are that your constant calls maybe making him wary of taking it further for fear of you dominating him and chocking his space. Most times, it pays to give the thing we love the most freedom to define how it want to be related with. Once you have this discussion with him, cut down on your calls. Give him the time to make up his mind without pressures from you. It is the only time he can appreciate you for who you are. Good luck.

My sister wants to return the son I gave her

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Twenty-five years ago, I gave my child out to my elder sister whose uterus was defective from birth. As early as five, doctors told our parents she would never be able to have a child in her life. When I became pregnant and my boyfriend refused to accept responsibility of the pregnancy, she begged me not to terminate it; that I should instead have the baby and give it to her. I agreed because I was afraid to go through the process of abortion, which wasn’t as common then as it is now. The baby turned out to be a boy. I handed him to my sister right in the hospital. I am not sure she told her husband about the state of her womb because while I was pregnant, she also pretended she was. She practically moved in with us to make her pretense easier for her. Apart from our immediate family, nobody is aware of what happened. My mother was a matron and had her own clinic. She handled everything. The birth record of the boy reads my sister’s name and that of her husband. I have since married with four other children. I didn’t bother to tell my husband about the boy because to me the incident didn’t happen at all. I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant before. My first two children are in the university while the younger ones are in secondary school. My husband is the best thing that could happen to any woman. About five years ago, my sister joined a church. She started by keeping her distance from the family. Two years later, she sent my son back to me without saying anything. Since she didn’t, say anything, I also didn’t but about three months ago, she told me she wants to return the child to me and to confess to her husband and mine that I am the real mother of the child. She said her pastor said she should go and confess her sins. My mother has tried to talk her out of it pointing out that it would affect my marriage since my husband knows nothing about our arrangement but she has refused, insisting she doesn’t want to go to hell. I don’t want my marriage to break up because only last week, I questioned my husband on what he would do if he finds out that I have a child I never told him about. His reply prompted this mail to you; he said he would terminate our marriage. What do I do? I cannot afford to lose my home because of the good I did for my sister. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Don’t wait for her to blow the whistle on you, go first to your husband with your story; no matter how unpalatable he finds the story. It is best he gets to hear it from you first before your sister gets to him. If she does, you would have lost the opportunity of retaining the trust and confidence of your husband for life. There is nothing you would ever say thereafter that he will believe. Even though he would be pained and disappointed at the knowledge that you hid this piece of information from him, it is the very reason you should really plead with him to forgive you; that you kept the information away from him because of the vow you made to your sister and family. That, telling him would have amounted to betraying the collective trust of your family and that you admit you would never have told him if your sister didn’t have a change of mind. If the matter gets out of hand, get your mother, since she is still alive to further talk to him. Being elderly and privy to the whole arrangement, she has the experience to further cool him down and beg for the understanding of your husband. Let her take the blame of your not telling him. I am sure if she explains her role in the whole episode as well as her influence over you to him, he would understand and better appreciate your position. While at it, give him the full details of how you got pregnant and how the father of your child hasn’t bothered to look back ever since. This is the juncture you let him have all the details about your life so that you don’t ever have to apologise to him about your past again. This is necessary to avoid putting your marriage through this kind of situation. It would be too much of a burden for the marriage if you neglect to let him have all the information about your past life. No matter the angle you look at this matter from, if the truth must be told, you should have confided in your husband for the simple reason that you could run into somebody who knew you when you were pregnant in the presence of your husband all those years ago. What would be your reaction if the person asks the innocent question of the whereabouts of that child? Did you ever consider the possibility in all these arrangements with your sister of the biological father of that boy coming someday to ask for his child? Marriage isn’t a transient thing, rather it is for a lifetime. No matter how tight your arrangement was with your sister, this is one secret that couldn’t have lasted forever. These kinds of stories have a way of erupting when one least expects. That is why couples must always come clean with stories of their past. What you, your sister and mother tried to do was play god in a matter that God has already decided. What He did was to use your sister to stop you from aborting that child and giving your sister a child to help her through her most vulnerable period in life. The fact that she wants to tell the truth shouldn’t stop the boy from living with her. The only thing is that he now knows the identity of his biological mother. After living with her for 25 years, it would be unfair to all concerned even if she appears unreasonable, selfish and stiff-necked if you accept your son back without giving her the option to continue to be his mother. Her husband may not forgive the deceit of what happened all those years ago, hence would need the warmth of the only child she has ever known to pull her through. Therefore, forgive whatever she is trying to do to your marriage and life by helping her cope with the emotional challenges she is about to unleash on herself and marriage. But beyond your husband and sister, is the challenge of confronting your son with the details of his birth. While your husband may not bother too much about the identity of the father of your son, your son would definitely demand it from you. Be prepared to go back in time to give him all the information that will help him live a normal life again. He is a man; he might want to drop his current name for his father’s. Be prepared to show him love and be there for him anytime he needs your attention and even when he appears not to need you. More than anyone of you, he is the one who is going to suffer more emotional problem from all these. This is the time you have to be the mother you have never been to him. May God give you the strength, wisdom and patience to cope. Good luck

Men and matters of the heart

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Readers, There is no stretching the fact that every age has its norms and fad it has evolved to etch itself into the history of life. It is also true that certain rituals of a bygone age hold so much lure and nostalgia that are worth keeping. More than any other human tradition, the game of winning the heart of a woman remains the oldest. Right from the nascent days of the creation of the world, when God paired the first human couple, men and women have continued to dance to the assonance of love. No matter how hard a man or woman is perceived to be, there is always a place for love to exist in the heart and life of that person. This is because the process of meeting and falling in love is the peg on which the world stands. Everyday, people fall in and out of love. Some never last beyond the first early days because they suffer wrong values as well as the endurance needed to firm up the foundation. Those that last, do as a result of tremendous sacrifices by the couples. Today being Valentine’s Day, we will quickly go into clinic to discuss the essence of giving a relationship the right perspective. Sometime ago, while clearing out the house of all the odds and bits I have amassed all through the years, some from my teenage and early adulthood, I came across valuable letters sent me by various admirers. Each letter reminded me of the person who sent it because the wordings brought the character of each man to play. While some struggled to write the letters, some displayed dexterity in combining all the right words that would make a woman melt. Going through all the letters, gave me a good laugh so much so I decided to share them with my daughters and my young female friends both married and unmarried. One of my daughters, an English literature student after going through some of the poetic phrases in the letters, decided to take them away as part of her working materials. Granted few were prosaic, the majority of the letters produced deep sentiments and nostalgia of the fun it was in those days to be a girl. Nothing told or gave insight into the character of a man like phraseology of his letters to a woman. From his language, a woman with depth could tell when a man has other things on his mind and when he was serious about her. Because pre-marital sex wasn’t so common then, men took time out to amuse and entertain the women after their hearts with words that meant the world to them back then. Men of those days were not weak, afraid of saying what they felt to that special woman. Dating was a much more serious business than we have now. Seldom does a man in those days on first outing pronounce love to a woman, it was a kind of sacrilege. Men took time out to study the nature of the woman they want to approach before coming clean with their feelings. Any wonder that divorce rates were low and moral values high in those days? How many boys or men bother with what modern men label “time wasting” procedure anymore? These days the physiology of the average man is wired towards quick and preprogrammed results without him having to task his brains or exert his imagination. The result is a monotonous and very predictable mode of wooing women these days. In places of romantic letters or cards, text message have become the order of the day. What more, the text messages lack every imagination of romance, intellect and articulation needed to stimulate a woman’s romantic vigor. The result is a generation of men and women who lack knowledge of what pure romance is. The coldness of the internet, emails, text messages and other modern day electronic devices have turned the heart of romance so cold and impersonal that most young ladies often wonder if true romance as evidenced in romance books really exist. The hollow left in the hearts of women by the inability of the present generation of men to apply themselves fully into the business of chasing women contribute to the mess and confusing signals that now characterize the game of romance. This inability of men to properly articulate their feelings or convey same to women has become such a big challenge to the whole system of dating. As a result, many young girls and ladies have escaped with the notion that men are only interested in sex more than who they are or what they feel. The clinical way present day men conduct their romance has made today’s women more materialist and so aloof too when it comes to what they want from men. The motto for most young ladies now is, survival. The more prosperous a man is, the higher his chances are of getting any woman he wants. In place of love, lust has taken over. These days, when a man declares love, the woman reads it to mean lust because love and lust in the diction of most men have become synonymous so much so the women don’t know which is which. Although men are quick to blame the confusion and monumental disappointment relationships have become on the materialist thirst of women, the truth remains that men are daily presenting women with nothing to build on at all. While the success of a relationship depends on the selflessness of the woman, she has to be provided with the right foundation, sustain her romantic dream. This is because every woman is vain, wants to be appreciated and complimented for who she is. The average woman builds her memory on the early days of her relationship; when the man treated her like his queen as well as the only thing that is important to him. Once the man is able to get those early days right, he makes it easy for the woman to trust in and build her confidence around him. These are the memories she keeps and drags out of the cupboard when the dreams begin to fade. This is why the marriages of yester years survived the rough edges. The women then had something substantial to hold on to; their love letters; which from time to time reminded them of all the dreams and visions they started out with. The wordings of the letters constantly served as reminders of her place in the heart of her man even if the stress and challenges of living together, raising a family and earning a living prevent him from saying it. To make romance and relationship better, today’s men must move away from paying lip service to the dating game. They must as a matter of fact borrow some valuable tips from the men of yester years. the vanity and romantic heart of the average woman is such that she stores up in the inner chambers of her mind any gesture of affection shown her by her heart. Daily, the woman is looking for that something extra special from her man, that thing that communicates his need for her and appreciation of her presence in his life. No matter how tough minded a woman appears to be, she never gets tired of receiving compliments from her husband. To make this Valentine’s Day more meaningful, men should not focus on just the sexual aspect of a relationship rather, they should use today to compliment that special woman in their lives. It is essential they take time out to send a love letter to their wives and girlfriends. The method of writing love letter may appear ancient but the words that come from the heart of the man can heal any wound inflicted by carelessness that comes from daily living. No matter how old in marriage a couple is, love remains ageless and must be given the same consideration and attention as that of a young couple. So celebrate Valentine‘s Day with words that come from the heart. Good luck

I don’t think I love her enough to marry her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I would be lying if I say I am deeply in love with the lady in my life but I like her person. If we end up as man and wife, she will make a good wife. She actually wooed me and has been very supportive ever since she came into my life. I am seven months older than she is but she economically stronger than I am. At 38, she has her own house and two cars. She is also fun to be with, never criticizing me and very respectful despite her success in life We have been dating for close to a year now. Sincerely, I haven’t found any reason not to marry her as my parents are all urging me to propose to her. I know she wants us to get married but given her age and wealth, I am very worried. Her age worries me because my former girlfriend went into menopause at 35. She didn’t even know and we actually thought she was pregnant until several medical tests finally pronounced that she has reached menopause. It was very devastating for both of us because I really loved her. Unfortunately, my mother got wind of the information so I couldn’t conceal it from anybody. I had to leave her. It was about that time I met my current woman. This is why I am scared of her age. I don’t want a situation where she would be unable to provide me with children or begin to boss me when we get married. At 38, how much of her reproductive years remain? I ask because since we have been dating she hasn’t taken in once; isn’t this a sign that she may not be biologically healthy? This is because you can never know with women. She could be pretending to be good for the simple reason of getting me to marry her. I am really becoming confused by the day. What do I do? Debo. Dear Debo, Every relationship has its dynamism. Just as we are different, so are our attitudes to the people we meet along life’s journey different. There can never be two people who are alike. However, we end up having the same kinds of experiences and disappointments as a result of our refusal to learn or take notice of our limitations as a person. Often than not, we are drawn to the same kinds of situations over and over again. This is where our challenges in life get their strength from. Another area we get it wrong in life is our inability to exorcise past experiences from our new relationships. The fact that one woman went into early menopause doesn’t mean your current woman too would have the same experience. At 38, she isn’t so young. at her age, she is liable for her actions. There is no way she can explain an unwanted pregnancy to the world in her present stage in life. She has to be sure you want the same things that she wants. The fact that she is economically stronger could be one reason she is cautious in her dealings with you. She may not want you to marry her as a result of the baby but because you want to. Besides she could be on contraceptives. Rather than come to the hasty conclusions that she may not be able to conceive, why not sit her down to discuss with her? Demand for questions about her past life as well as the number of times she has taken in as well as the last time she took in. To make her understand your anxiety better, explain the experience you had with your ex to her. don’t pretend that you aren’t looking for children in this relationship with her or that it won’t matter to you if she doesn’t take in while you two are still dating. Let her know exactly where she stands with you on the issue of having children. Also explain your worry about her age; this way, you make obvious what your expectations as well as priority are to her in this relationship. The case of your ex is very rare. Normally, a woman begins the decline step into menopause from 48 upwards. Some women last till their early 50s. but because a lot of strange things are happening in our modern world, it would be difficult to say but if you are that scared, why not accompany her to see a doctor to put your mind at rest? There are some tests that will pronounce the viability or otherwise of her womb. In addition, you must learn to let go to get the best out of life. Even though you haven’t said much, trying to compare her with your ex will only lead to more confusions as well as complications. She isn’t the same person as your ex so their reactions and attitude will never be same. To be frank with you, every woman, no matter how nice, has the tendency to misbehave especially at that time of the month when the hormones take charge of her emotions fleecing her of her ability to reason rationally. Even when you are the one picking all the bills, the inherent nature of women will still make her behave in a way to make you, question your abilities as the man. So you have the take the whole picture of who she is to appreciate when she steps out of line. Yes, once in a while she could say or behave in such a way to make you feel inferior but you must appreciate all those times she behaved rationally. Therefore, the question of whether or not she would display poisonous fangs after marriage is a tricky question for me to answer. You are the one who is in a relationship with her hence should be in the best position to answer such question. But it isn’t rocket science; as a matter of fact, it is very simple if you apply yourself to the observation of her character, temperament, understanding of issues as well as her general disposition to you and life. Often than not, a woman who is pretentious cannot do it for long. Like smoke, something will provoke her to act her true nature. You can deliberately do certain things to see her she would respond to you under pressure or security of your final commitment. If the truth be told, you are raking up all these excuses because she wooed you. From the little I have seen of life, women who woo men for love and relationship are about the most sincere. They know even before the commencement of the relationship what they want from a man hence work towards achieving that. if she was confused her destination and desires in life, she won’t come after you; she would rather go for a man who has the income and position to further help her economics in life. Besides she doesn’t have to marry to have children; a rich woman like a rich man can get any man to do her bidding if the price is right. The fact that she humbled herself to woo you should give you certain assurances that she is a very practical person. Rather than look at all the areas of her weaknesses, consider her strength and goodness to you. Nothing in life is easy; one has to work towards perfection at all times. We all come with defects from the manufacturer’s table. Honestly, if there is anybody who should be afraid in this relationship, she should be and not you because she is the one who has more to lose than you. She is the major investor, taking all the risks because as a man, you could meet and fall in love with another woman in later years leaving her high and dry. If she isn’t afraid, why are you? Unless deep down, you are positive nothing good can come out of it. Perhaps you need time off to properly evaluate your emotions first. Whatever, learn to be sincere with yourself at this critical stage. It is important. Good luck.