He is married but I still want him

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My boyfriend is married but I love him all the same but he is hurting me by also dating other women. What can I do? Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, Stop denying the man’s wife the right to enjoy her marriage and man. If you are getting hurt on account of his relationships with other women, how do you think the wife feels by your own association with him? How do you think she feels when she wants her man, he isn’t there for her because he is with you? If you are feeling this bad as a girlfriend how would you feel if you were his wife; kill the women who are denying her of her rights as a wife and mother? Do you realise that you are not only denying her time with her husband but also the resources he would have spent on the family as well? Can you fathom the kind of needless sacrifices that woman is making to make up for the time and money he uses to maintain you? Have you ever sat to wonder at the injury, pains, and aches you are causing this woman? In her shoes, how would you feel; pray for the woman who making her work extra hard to maintain her home? Now that you know what it feels to be betrayed by someone you are in love with, allow this man be. Sometimes, God allows things to happen to point us at the right things to do. There is no way a man who is unfaithful to his wife will ever be faithful to a girlfriend. Whatever made him to go outside his marriage for fun are the same reasons he will continue to leave every woman has an affair with until he makes up his mind to be faithful to his vows. This man isn’t in love with you-that is why despite his many relationships he still goes back to the woman he is married to. He isnt the one that is hurting you rather you are the one who has exposed yourself to being hurt by him. The fact that he is married, unavailable to you means you don’t have a joint future, should have cautioned you against taking whatever promises he is making to you serious. Had he been single, your hurt would have been understandable but he isn’t, so why waste time in a relationship won’t value to your life in the long run? Before you get more hurt than you already are, take a walk away from it all. It would afford you the opportunity of meeting the real man for you. the more you hold on to him, the less your chances of becoming happy later in future and by the time you are ready to marry, the man you would have married would have become another woman’s husband. This man has nothing to lose rather you are the one who has more to lose if you continue with him. Men are hunters by nature and would always be excited by the sights of an available woman but it is the job of the woman to gate-keep her treasure to avoid disappointments, regrets and pains. If you are unwilling to do it for yourself, do it for the sake of this woman whose marriage is at stake. Good luck.

Who among them is right for me?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks a lot for the right advice you give to people. You are a lifesaver and pray God will continue to bless you. Please I need your advice concerning my relationship. I am a young lady of 25 years of age. My major concern is how to know who would make the best husband among the three men asking for my hand in marriage? The second challenge is how to recognize true love as well as the qualities most important to look out for in a man. Furthermore, is it appropriate for a lady to be the one visiting the guy without the guy reciprocating the visit on account of certain excuses? Grace. Dear Grace, The realisation of who would make a good partner begins with own discovery. Without this, it becomes almost impossible to recognise that extra special thing in anyone coming for your hand in marriage or able to evaluate it in terms of long-term happiness. This is because what you don’t have, you cannot give. If you don’t have a dream, an idea of the real substance that would give you the kind of strength to generate the right amount of determination, it goes without saying your search would be limited to those perishable qualities. Before you can determine who is good for you, answer this question: how good are you to yourself? Have you been able to establish that important thing about yourself that would always give you happiness? Something any man coming into your life must help you hold on to if he desires the best of you? At times, love isn’t all that matters when deciding on who to spend the rest of one’s life with, other considerations go into it. A man may really be in love with his woman but lacks the right temperament to lead a home. Without the right kind of temperament, no matter how well a woman tries to deal with issues in her marriage, it soon becomes a struggle to stay with that kind of man. A man’s temperament envelops the kind of patience, support, respect, understanding and friendship he is willing to invest into making the marriage work. It also colours the way he would treat his wife both in private and public. A man that cannot handle his temperament is likely to act before he thinks, including beating the woman. Jealousy is one of the products of love. Can you withstand a man who loves you but lacks the power of self control? Can you stand the embarrassment of being questioned, suspected for doing nothing? Can you live with the fear of not knowing what to expect from your spouse if you have to work into the late hours? How long can you endure the insecurity of a jealous man? Can you stand a man who runs the home like a boss instead of a leader? Here it isn’t love that is the issue but being able to manage all the emotions love incite in a man. The secret strength of every relationship is the ability of the man to manage all the emotions that make love wholesome. Temperament is that inner quality that keeps giving marriage the precise radiance to stay fresh forever. Seasons come and go but that which cannot be affected by the devastation of time is who we really are inside of us; the real person and not the colour we are or the what we are. It is this quality that makes one person gloss over the failure or inability of others with sympathy and understanding while another person would choose to mock, insult or dehumanise that same person for the same slip. This is that something extra special you should look at in the men that are coming for your hand in marriage. By knowing what your limitations are as a person, it would be easy if you are truthful to yourself to come to an honest conclusions on which of these men can best manage that aspect of you successfully. Often time, young girls make the mistake of limiting their search lights in their quests for husband to the frivolities; such things as the man’s appearance, his social status, financial standing or connections are not the things that count at the end of the day. Out of all these men, who can you count on the most, the one that is likely to make the important sacrifices for you? Which of them has the stamina to deal with that side of you that others cannot cope with? There is a side to everyone of us even our parents find difficult to cope with. And of the three, who knows the face behind the mask of make-ups, can you look at the real you and not flinch? Can you manufacture a joke or he make you laugh when all you feel is like bringing down the entire world? Your answer is right before you as long as you are honest with yourself. True love is selfless-living in the body of the other person. True love puts the interest of the other person first, considers how an action would affect the other person first before doing it, is always willing to forgive and forget. A man who manufactures excuses not to reciprocate his girlfriend’s frequent visits to his home, is communicating his true feelings to the girl. Such a man prefers to allow his actions tell the story he is unwilling to say to the woman. No matter how busy a man is, if interested in a woman, he will make time out of no time to visit her. The excuse of not having time is given by both men and women to discourage an unwanted interest in the opposite sex. It is the nature of men to devote time to a woman they want desperately in their lives. Good luck.

His attitude isn’t encouraging

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am really ashamed to say this but if I don’t get urgent help, I may not be able to sustain my marriage beyond this point. I really don’t care what your readers would say about what I am about to share with you. I am sure a lot of women in my shoes who want to be honest would understand the premise I am coming from. I have been married for five years and my marriage is blessed with two children. I have always been a serious Christian; never attempted anything until I got married. I wanted to be a good wife and honorable one for my husband. I didn’t listen to the opinion of a lot of my friends who asked this question that I am now asking myself; what happens if the man you are preserving yourself for ends up incompetent in bed and unable to make you happy as a woman? Would you leave him or endure the marriage simply because you want to do the right thing? Back then, I thought my friends were trying to bend my ways to follow their pattern of lifestyle. But, observing all of them today, happy with their husbands, having the best of what marriage offers, I cannot but ask myself this important question why did I, who held on till my wedding night, who wanted to do the right thing is having problems in her marriage? Even though I was naïve back then when it came to actual experience, I was broadminded enough to accommodate everybody’s opinion knowing we are all built differently. When my husband approached me for a relationship, being the most handsome in the school then, I was happy. Overnight, I became something of a celebrity among the many ladies who wanted him but I noticed this particularly group of girls; they made what my friends and I thought were jealous moves. One of them in particular, tried warning me to be careful; to look deeper before committing myself to marrying my husband. I dismissed her. Being from a very rich family, money wasn’t his problem. We got married immediately I finished my national youth service. Being inexperienced, our first night together was a total disaster. It didn’t bother me because I thought it was meant to be like that. Besides, I didn’t notice the size of his manhood or though it was abnormally tiny. There was nothing in my experience to prepare me for what I was about to enter. But over the months, I knew something was wrong with our love life. He was always so clumsy. We didn’t get past the stage we started with on our wedding night. I was beginning to get worried when I discovered I was pregnant. Throughout my pregnancy, he didn’t bother to come near me even when I told him what the doctor recommended about frequent intimacy. Being pregnant with twins, I was told it would aid easy delivery during labour. My body was beginning to demand for intimacy and I told him so. When my pressures obviously became too much for him, he abandoned our bedroom. On the few occasions he has agreed to sleep with me, the results were not different from our first time together. I have honestly tried everything, including your advices to others on this same issue but my husband isn’t helping matters. He is resolute in his own ways and is refusing all the help I am willing to offer him on this issue. Now, he says I married him because of his father’s money; drinks and refuses to come home early. Severally, I have been tempted into having an affair but I know I just can’t. With the help of my friend, I got introduced to a vibrator. It has helped me to maintain sanity in my life and prevented me from doing what I shouldn’t do. One night, he came into my bedroom and found the vibrator, since then, he has not stopped calling me names. He says as a good wife, I should be satisfied with the package I have. I have really tried to keep my sanity in the last five years. I told my parents about the problems I was having in my marriage. They are of the view if I can’t cope with the situation again, I should file for a divorce instead of having affairs outside my home. Our pastor on the other hand says marriage is a lifetime commitment. His father who is like a father to me has tried convincing his son to seek medical help. He even offered to pay for plastic surgery to help enhance his manhood but nothing anybody says makes sense to him. As far as he is concerned, his twins are enough fulfillment. I am really fed up of the whole thing. I am in urgent need of your help in this matter. Helen. Dear Helen, I honestly sympathise with you but a lot of things went wrong before you both got married. Whatever issues you are currently having, had to do with your inability to establish friendship with him before you agreed to marry him. You were carried away by your luck at having such a handsome man, the toast of women, come for your hand in marriage. Often than not, women end up having problems in their marriages for failing to go that extra mile during courtship. A woman doesn’t have to be experienced to know those little things to look out for in a man she intends spending the rest of her life with. At the time you were dating, you must have noticed some of these flaws in his character. He didn’t just develop after your wedding ceremony; he must have displayed some of his selfish and arrogant disposition back then. If you are truthful, you both were never friends, the kind that shared thoughts, dreams, exchanged jokes or laughed with or at each other. This kind of challenge you have in your marriage can only be managed by two people who are friends, understand the need of the other person and by a man who is willing to submit to the helpful suggestions of his wife. That he has a tiny manhood isn’t the issue here at all rather, the real challenge you are facing has to do with your man’s attitude. Even if he agrees to a plastic surgery aimed at helping him get some inches added, if both of you are unable to friend true friendship, things will continue to degenerate between the two of you. Granted quality sex is a key to being happy in marriage but it is only part of the whole picture of a fulfilling marriage. This is because you cannot spend all your time together making love. After lovemaking, life must continue. The time has come to sit your husband down for a real talk. Hear him out. Listen to his grudges against you. He may really feel he isn’t getting the kind of sympathy he expects from his wife. A man that has his kind of challenge needs a wife who is, understanding because it is both an ego and psychological problem. Telling him everyday he isn’t satisfying you is more than enough to make him become rude, violent and irresponsible. He is reacting in the only ways he knows how due to fear of losing you and exposing himself to the riddle of everybody. Your parents ought to have told you that each marriage comes with its own special baggage and garbage. His attitude is an appeal for help from the woman he married. Rather than nag him, gently get him to open up; especially his worst nightmare. Ask how you can be of help to him; the options he has considered before meeting you as well as the ones you think can help the situation. Let him realise that you are not as bothered about the size of his manhood as much as his attitude towards you and your feelings. Let him know you really care about him more than he knows. You must really show him that you care deeply for his well-being and about his happiness. The fact that you got pregnant and have a set of twins to show for it, shows that he is fertile. It is just a matter of both of you giving your imagination freedom to blossom. No matter the size of a man’s organ, the success or otherwise of lovemaking is more often premised on the kind of imagination a couple has. Oral sex is important here especially if he isnt getting deep enough for you. Using his fingers and tongue, he can bring you to premium satisfaction before he comes into you. Divorce shouldn’t be your first option because there is no telling what challenges you would meet in another relationship. There is nothing, a well-meaning talk between the two of you cannot achieve in your relationship and marriage for that matter. Learn to be patient, be more understanding and supportive of him. This is what marriage is all about. Challenges are compulsory part of marriage. They are designed to take a couple to the next level. Your vibrator isn’t a solution but a major distraction to the real steps you should take in getting lasting solution to your problem. By the time you change tactics, become more of his friend, who isn’t condemning, who has the real desire to help and has the maturity to take whatever comes out of it; he would change. Also you need to pray for help to change those things you don’t like about him as well as yourself. Good luck.

He left after making love to me

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a student. There is this problem, which is really eating me up. I have been in a relationship with this guy since my second year of Junior Secondary School. (JSS2). When we started, we were so much in love with each other and very close. But, he now feels I am his worst enemy because of another girl who is about 20 years of old. Recently, he called with the Olive branch of peace. He said, he has made up his mind to come back to me because of my dedication to him when he didn’t have anything. After this, he begged for my forgiveness and asked me to allow him make love to me as evidence of my forgiveness. I did. To my pains as well as surprise, he hasn’t bothered to call me since then. Instead of the reconciliation he promised me, I see him everywhere with the other girl. If this is painful, his refusal to let go of me is what baffles me the more. He engages any man he sees with me in physcial fight. He knows I love him very much. We have been together for eight years. Please tell me what to do since I am without a clue as to how to handle him. Worried Girlfriend. Dear Worried Girlfriend, Evidently, your boyfriend is bent on playing games with your heart and life. You have come to a crossroad in your relationship where you must look back, evaluate it vis-à-vis the plans you have for yourself in the future. The kind of relationship one has, often than not, determines the quality of life that person would have in the future. This is because every relationship is premised on emotions. And once one’s emotion is torn into pieces, it becomes difficult for such a person to concentrate on whatever he or she is doing. For this simple reason, you must do everything within your powers to protect your future dreams. Every man or woman needs a supportive partner at every turn in life. It takes two to tangle very well. Doubtless, you are in love with him but is he in love with you? No man who is in love with a woman treats her the way he is treating you. Coming with the pretense of making up with you; only to leave you again after sleeping with you, doesn’t make him out as a man who cares about what or how you feel. The issue here goes beyond his new girlfriend or the men he is trying to prevent from coming to you. It is a lot deeper than that. From what you have said about him, he is selfish and very self-centered. This isn’t the kind of man you need in your life to grow into a success story. His kind leaves women emotionally dry. He will only take from you and not give you anything back in return. Even though you have been together for eight years, you still don’t know him well enough. When you met him at JSS2, you were not only naïve but fresh; a young unsoiled girl. Being the first with you was an ego thing for him. While you invested love, saw a knight in shinning armour, he saw a pleasure pot and if you are not careful, get real with yourself, you will continue to be his pleasure toy until he completely gets tired of you. This is why he doesn’t want anybody near you, fights every man who comes close to you just to ensure he can go and come into your life as he pleases. He doesn’t want you to experience love with another man. He knows that once you find a man who shows you what true love really is, you will never have him back. Therefore, he is using his knowledge of your mind, body and emotions to play you like a puppet. If you don’t resist him, it would be completely difficult as the years go by to out grow him. Nobody can give you the kind of strength and determination to resist him. Your strenght of character lies in your dream as a young woman determined to take her place in history. Your key to freedom from this man is your dream. Call his bluff and tell him you are through with him. Let him know you are no robot or too weak where he is concerned; that like him you have feelings as well as the fact that only a man who respects you deserves your love. Refuse to be cowed into submission. As long as he has the freedom to advertise his new relationship, he no longer has any right over you. Just like him, you now have the freedom to look for happiness elsewhere. Granted, it may hurt you to do this given the fact that you are deeply in love with him, but if you don’t begin to fight for your freedom, this man, even if he marries you in future will never give you the kind of respect you deserve. Doubtless, love must be patient for it to grow but ths is only applicable if the person one is in love with, has demonstrated commitment as well as semblance of respect. Being in love isn’t the same thing as being stupid. The day, he tricked you into going to bed with him after he has left you for the other girl is the day he finally demonstrated the kind of feelings he has always had for you. this problem is that you were and still too much in love to see him for who he truly is. No right thinking man parades another woman to the knowledge of the woman in his life. Even if you both of you would make up later, fight and earn your respect from him. For now, try as much as possible to put him and your feelings on the back burner. You just must find your power to move away from this point this relationship has put you. The fresh air would do you a word of good as it would afford you the opportunity of getting to know who you really are. For eight years, you have put yourself under the shadow of this man; agreeing to everything and not knowing what you are capable of. You went into this relationship when you didn’t know what a relationship was all about. There is denying the fact that you have also made some mistakes in your eight years together. The time has come to go back to the drawing board; take a trip down memory lane, be objective in assessing this relationship. This way, it would be easy for you to own up to your mistakes as well as developing the right frame of mind to learn from these slip-ups. It will also inform you on how to handle yourself and relationship in future. Such exercises also have the ability of helping one deal with the inadequacies in the other person. For one to understand the shortcomings of another person, such a person must first come to reality with his or her own inadequacies. At this point, be thankful that you are not continuing with his relationship with your eyes closed. If nothing, you at least know the kind of man you are dealing with as well as his definition of love. If at the end of the day, you decide to end this relationship, take extra time to heal. True healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is gradual. Take each day as it comes. This way, the healing would be more effective because once you are healed; you won’t have to deal with the issues again. For now, it is best you don’t go into any relationship to enable you have a focus of the direction you want to sail the ship of your life. It is important you have a dream of your own. It is the only way you can be a complete woman later in life. Go into a relationship only when you are ready for it and not before. Don’t do it to spite this man and importantly, don’t hold any grudge against him. If you do, it might be difficult to get your new relationship right because of the extra burden of the past you would be bringing into the relationship. Good luck.

How do I make amends with my father?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I’m an ardent reader of your column and have garnered so much from it. My parents have been separated for quite a long time; as a matter of fact, over a decade. I’m the eldest of my siblings and over 40 years of age. I concluded my degree in History and International Studies; made a second class lower, contrary to my expectation; I expected a first class because I have always shone and the envy of fellow students. My daddy went away with another woman but they are also separated now. But before this woman came into the scene, my father has had several women in his life while married to my mother. You see my father happens to be the domineering type. Because I am very quiet, my father considers me as upright. My siblings are bursting with envy. My mother and siblings are at loggerheads with my father. Most often, the source of their squabbles comes from my immediate younger brother’s obduracy as well his refusal to go to school. While staying with our eldest sibling; he not only became unmanageable but also started selling off some of their belongings. He also refused to be educated even though my eldest sister was willing to send him to school. At the end of the day, she put him into Police custody. He has also gotten many women pregnant. He isn’t the only one giving the family problems. While another brother of mine is as reckless as he is, one of my sisters married herself off, without the consent or knowledge of my father to a pastor who is separated from his wife. All efforts by me to reconcile all parties have proved abortive. For reasons best known to my siblings, they don’t like me; they make cutting remarks about me that really hurt. Sincerely, I would have preferred to stay with my father but it is no longer feasible. I tried to make peace with my father but he ended up inviting the Police and warnings from the Police that I should stay away from my father. I tried to get his elder brother involved but that too didn’t go well as he too told me to stay away from his brother and family. Recently, I went with some non-relatives; a family friend and pastor but it also didn’t work. Despite my father’s age, he is still very strong. He kept shouting that I am a thief who has come to rob him of his property. He subsequently packed out of the house when my younger brother sold off his bus, motorcycle and other things. I am worried because most of my siblings are really behaving badly. I ‘m keen on making peace with him before he dies. I used to be nearest to his heart. I don’t know what manner of reconciliation is appropriate. He has an unforgiving spirit; my mother has developed hypertension. Bernete. Dear Bernete, We get hurt more by those we consider closest to us. Your father is deeply hurt because he invested so much faith in you more than the others. His disappointment comes from the attitude of your siblings; their attitude as well as resolve to be reckless. The fact that you appear to be in their support, left him on his own, underscores his pains and rejection of you. Try putting yourself in his position, how would you feel if after working so hard in your life to acquire certain level of comfort, your children waste them through careless and criminal living? No matter what your father has done, it is wrong for your brothers to sell off his belongings. The fact that all your mother’s children are following a certain way of behavior underscores the kind of training your mother gave you all. It is one thing for a father to be bad but another thing completely for a mother not to know her onion at all. A wise woman doesn’t allow the inability or defect of her husband stop her from molding her children right. Her inability to perform her role effectively is the reason you are all suffering. That your father left her to marry another woman isn’t enough excuse for her not to give you all the right bearing in life. At least from your explanations, your father didn’t stop caring for you all. His interest in your education paints him as a father on the look out for the future of his children. If it was only one of your siblings that was misbehaving, your mother would have been excused but almost all of them? It can only mean one thing; that your mother through her behavior drove your father into the arms of other women. The pains of your father comes from the thought that at least one of you, especially you, should have seen the contributions of your mother to the break down of the marriage; called your mother to order and insist on her doing the right things. The fact that you all appear to be on the side of your mother, actually went with her and making him appear as the problem in the marriage hurt him more than you all realised. It couldn’t have been easy for him at all. His attitude towards you could also come from the things you said or didn’t say. For his brother too to be hostile towards you underscores something terrible you may have also done. Honestly, there is no one that can settle this but you. Being close to him, you must find a way of getting him to listen to you; of making him open up his heart to you all over again. If it means staying at his door steps everyday, do it. let him understand that whatever mistakes he thinks you made were done with a child’s mind. That at the time he left your mother, you too were hurt at the lack of his presence in your daily life. No matter how hard hearted he is, there must be one person somewhere in his life who can talk to him. get that person to talk to him or his brother who he seems close to. Explain the urgency you feel in making peace with him. tell them that while you are not wishing him to die so soon, your desire however is to ensure that you make peace with him before he answers the final call. This explanation is important for them to understand why you are suddenly interested in making peace. Your father must know that your interest is not in his property but in his well being and relationship with you. because of his experiences with your siblings, he may be naturally suspicious of your motive in wanting to get back into his life. a man that has been disappointed severally will find it difficult to recognise a good gesture when he finds it. The thing is for you to go all the extra miles to make him see how you really feel. There must be a reason for the decision you took to follow your mother. Let them know why you didn’t immediately go with him as well as your own pains too as a child. For a man like your father, you must also learn to pray. When a heart is as hard and pained like his, only God has what it takes to bend him. By praying for him, you are helping him make amends too. Just like you need his forgiveness, he also has to make peace with is God and every other person. It is also necessary for you to get your mother involved in all these. Don’t forget she laid the foundation for all these mess. She has to be involved in its cleaning. Both of them go a long way back and know what it takes to get the other to listen. When some men hate a woman, they automatically hate her children too. She has to make that essential sacrifice to ensure that your father doesn’t take his hatred of you all to his grave. This is very important because other interests are also involved in his life. It is the only way to ensure whatever bad seed she has planted now doesn’t go into the next generation. She must be ready to make that important sacrifice that would insure the rest of your lives. Going to her husband and in-laws to plead would make it easier for you to have access into your father’s life. Good luck.

My children disapprove of my remarrying at 50

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I will be 50 this year. I have been divorced for over 20 years and I have four children. I had three for my ex- husband while my last child came from an affair I had with someone else. The father of my last child was very much interested in marrying me but I didn’t love him enough to be his second wife. Besides, I didn’t want to be involved with the hassles of struggling for a man with another woman. I had enough marital problems from my previous marriage. The decision to remain single was also taken to give me time to invest in my children’s welfare. I didn’t want to lose them too which in my views would happen if I had married at that time. My first and second children are married. The third one is in her third year in the higher institution while my baby is about to write her Senior Secondary School examinations. Without knowing it, I am almost alone. In the last four years, I have been in a relationship with a widower who is interested in marrying me. With all of them almost out of the house, I decided to give matrimony a trial once again. I cannot stand the idea of staying alone. Rather than my children to be happy for me, they are all angry with me. My two married daughters are dismissing my reason for wanting to get married saying being a grandmother is enough work on its own; that I can always rotate visiting them. They further argued that they indeed need me more than before to look after their children and that at my age, I am too old to marry. Even though my two younger children are not so vocal but they have to stand with their elder sisters in solidarity. My younger sisters all support my move and have told my children to allow me be. How selfish can children be? Can you imagine my second daughter asking me what I need a man for at my age? Am I too old to have feelings anymore simply because I have reached menopause? After devoting my life to them, they are not ready to allow me be. I love them; they are all I have and live for but I also need to move on. At my age, I need companionship; what do they expect me to do when I need the comfort of a man? Is it wrong to crave for happiness again? Their father, since leaving us, has remarried. His only contribution to their lives was coming on the day of their native and white wedding ceremonies to play his role as father of the brides. I have shouldered single-handedly all their responsibilities. All I am asking from them is their understanding. I want to be a woman all over again. Is it too much to ask? What do these children want from me? I am very hurt, Agatha. Help me deal with this challenge because I am saddened by their attitude and meanness towards me. Theresa. Dear Theresa, At 50, you are more than ripe to make your decisions. You don’t need their permission to be happy in life. Children, by nature, are very selfish especially when their parents are separated. They usually cling to the parent they are with, refusing to grant the parent any freedom to chart a life of his or her own. They see any attempt by the parent to have a life with another person as shutting them out permanently. It is usually a very difficult and emotional time for the parent whose emotional needs also must be satisfied. That is why some parents rush into other relationships or marriages once they obtain freedom from a previous marriage. The reason is to prevent a battle of monopoly in later years. Mostly, they are reacting to the fear of complete abandonment by their two parents. Irritating and absurd as this may sound, your children are afraid that allowing another man into your life means they will become irrelevant in your life and their movement in and out of your life will be restricted because they now have to knock on doors, they never had reason to knock on before entering. It is obvious that you still need to make them understand some basic facts about life, especially the two of them that are married. They are the ones that you have to work on the most. Like you said, the younger ones may not think anything of you remarrying as long as it doesn’t affect their access to you or pocket money, the only ones on the other hand want you entirely for the sake of their own children.If you remain single, it will be a lot easier for them to dump their children on you anytime; the only kind of company they reason you would need at your age. Without your undivided attention focused on them only, they are afraid you may come up with excuses as to why you cannot have the grandchildren at a particular time. This is why the older ones are more infuriated at the idea of you remarrying. Normally as women, they should be the ones campaigning for you to remarry considering how lonely it would be for you now that they are all almost out of the house. Like my mother once said, if a mother isn’t careful or wise, she would end up being her children’s unpaid as well as unofficial house-help. They are being both malicious and mischievous if they say they don’t need a man at your age or that you are too old. The third semester of a person’s life could be the loneliest particularly if that person is single. It is the time of an adult’s life when companionship is most desired because the children are all leaving to start their own families. What do they expect you to do? Call them for a private meeting with you. The meeting is not to plead with them about your decision but to ask them what you have done wrong to them to deserve their opposition to your decision to be happy. Perhaps the time has come for you to tell them how you managed all these years to stay sane emotionally. Let them know what it cost you to stay alone for their sakes. Tell them if you had intended to abandon them, it would have been in your younger years. Make it clear to them that you may have attained the wisdom age but you are not without feelings as a woman. And to brand you old and worthless as a woman is unpardonable. This is no time to massage whatever ego or right they think they have over your life. As a mother and parent, you haven’t given them any reason to be ashamed but now that they are passing out of your home, the time has come for you to drag the woman in you out of the cupboard of time where you have kept her. Demand to know from them if they would have tried to stop you if you were a man.End it by asking how they would feel if each time they come for visits with their children, they meet a different man in your bedroom? Let them chew on that possibility for a while. They don’t have to apologise now but eventually when they see you are determined to go ahead with your decision; they will eventually come around to your way of thinking. But, you must ensure the man you are marrying is the kind of father figure they need. Their resentment is a clear indication that deep down they haven’t really gotten over the issue of their father and you. They are really scared that they would lose you too as they did their father once he got himself another woman. Ensure the man is the kind that can bring all of them together, has the maturity to overlook their initial response to him. His interest in them would make it easy for you to function in your roles as grandmother and mother to both your children and his. By doing the very things they fear you may not be able to do for them once married, will make them thaw towards you and your husband faster than anything else. Encourage him to stop by in their houses to greet them without you. If he understands all the issues involved, he will know the politics of ensuring harmony in all your lives. Involving his children too in this integration plan will indeed help smoothen things better. The young have a way of communicating to each other better than when older people try to talk to them. Above all, just give yourself up to the will of God. Good luck.

Despite his aloofness, his mother urges patience

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, We were friends for more than one year before we started dating. We dated for four years and were never intimate because I told him from the beginning I was not interested in that aspect of our relationship. I am part of his education, I paid his schools fees and many other things. I did this because I have no intentions of marrying an uneducated man. You can therefore imagine my pains when he told me he can’t marry me: that I lack a good character as well as not being compatiable as a couple. I really love him because he has a good character and comes from a good family. I certainly hoped to have my children in that kind of home and live the rest of my life there because it was what I have always wanted. Although we do quarrel but he always come back to beg me to stay, but the real problem started recently when I asked him to take me to his parents. He refused on the grounds that it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know any of his friends or family members but because of the love I have for him, I didn’t mind, I patiently waited for him to graduate. After pleading with him on many occassions for me to meet with his parents, I finally managed to get his mother’s number on his phone and later called his mother to explained everything to her, his mother assured me of settling the matter between two of us when he comes back from the village and pleaded with me not to leave her son. His mother has been begging him on phone to re-concile with me. I am in my final year in school but it doesn’t matter, I can wait for him as long as it is what I want. I want a home where I will be able to achieve my aim in life not just getting marry for marrying sake. I don’t want to have problems with my marriage in future, such that will be make me consider getting a divorce and later I will be thinking of divorcing, this is why despite the many suitors coming my way, I prefer him. He is the kind of man I want in my life and no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in future, I love him enough to weather the storm with him. Now the issue is, aside his mother telling me to exercises patient, I don’t know what to do. I want him in life and my mother is aware of him and our challenges. She advised me to patiently wait for him. I have been praying for God to touch his heart and also begging him. Please I need your advise because I don’t want to make mistake in life. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, There is no challenge or issue patience cannot subdue. Endurance is priceless and a strong tool in avoiding regrets in relationships. Besides, there is no relationship without certain amounts of sacrifices. The higher the sacrifice the better the end results would be. If his mother is pleading with you to be patient, listen to her because she knows her son more than anyone else. She has said, she doesn’t want either of you to regret any decision made in haste; this flows from what she knows that you don’t know. Most men are not equipped with this attribute. Any woman who wants to enjoy her marriage must be able through patience manage her man well. and one of the tools a wise woman uses is respect. Good enough, your man in his letter said you have every thing he wants in a woman which means, it is not your person that is the problem in this relationship. This is why his mother says you should not be in a hurry to quit for whatever reason. There are four categories of men out there. those that want a woman and go for her, those that avoid the woman they don’t want and those that say one thing but are in fact thinking of the opposite what they are saying as well as those that simply don’t know what they want. In your boyfriend’s case, he appears for now not to know what he wants. Like most men his age, he wants the freedom to play the field a little bit, wants to enjoy the full benefit of his age before he settles. This is why he keeps urging you to settle for one of the many suitors coming your way. He isn’t thinking too much of a tomorrow because he is scared of contemplating the challenges that go with getting serious with a woman. He isn’t the first man to develop cold feet at the prospect of getting serious with a woman neither would he be the last. he needs assurances from you that he isnt about to make a costly mistake. Another thing that could be responsible for his attitude may not be unconnected with the role you played in his education. The fact that you paid his fees as well as provided for his needs is more than enough to get him. The clear message of your action is that you are capable of taking care of your needs hence may not need a man. I know that isn’t your intentions but a lot of men can be intimidated by such a woman. This is why you have to be careful it doesn’t appear to him that you are demanding marriage as a form of pay back for the help you rendered him. allowing him to make up his mind would help both of you in future to be truly happy. You have to give him the space to see you as his woman, desire you sufficiently to want to spend the rest of his life with you without doubts. The moment the doubts linger, he would always wonder if he got married to you as a form of gratitude or from a desire to do so. The danger of him getting married to you with this kind of nagging feelings on his mind is the lack of respect and devotion you deserve from him. The other angle is fear. How is he going to control and perhaps exercise authority over the woman who trained him? The the onus is on you to assure him that you will never take advantage of the help you freely offered him; that you will not make reference to it when you have disagreement or act it when you are angry with him. some women just don’t know when to apply the brakes on their temper when angry. They are always quick to remind not just the man of their contribution to his life but also to anybody who cares to listen. While he may not outrightly tell you all these as his real reasons, you must, if you are serious about being with him forever, initiate dialogue along that line. It is also important you dispel any mis-giving that you may be desperate to marry him at all cost. Don’t make your conversation sound like blame trading; rather, let him understand that it comes from a deep desire to source for long lasting solutions to the challenge both of you are making. To achieve positive results, listen more to him and be prepared to make more sacrifices if the need arises for the sake of keeping your relationship on track. While assuring him of your love, make it clear you are ready, even if you will be hurt of your willingness to respect whatever decision he comes up with at the end of the day. This is to communicate your desire for him to be happy to him. As a woman, your first duty is to ensure the man in your life is happy and comfortable with you as a woman. It makes other difficult aspects of two strangers coming together to make a life easier to fashion. He must know that you have the ability as well as stamina irrespect of human failures, to help him confront his worst nightmares in life especially as it affects the uncertainly of tomorrow. Therefore, don’t for whatever reason refuse to talk to him. There is always huge benefits in keeping the line of communication opened between two friends. Once both of you get into the habit of communicating as friends, a lot of these issues plaguing your relationship would become things of the past. It would make it easier for both of you to focus strenght on the right areas while letting go of those aspects of your relationship that are not important. Good luck.

He vows to marry only a virgin

Dear Agatha, May God continue to bless and increase you in wisdom for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a lady of 23 years of age and currently in a relationship of of seven years old. The problem over which I need your help started five years ago when I discovered that my boyfriend was suffering from premature ejaculation. Being young and naive I thought I was the cause of the problem. Naturally, I was worried so I decided to embark on a journey of truth. This led me to sleep with two other men. After knowing that the fault wasn’t mine, l was disturbed because of my love for him. Although the problem still persists, we are managing it. However, my worry now is that, my boyfriend vowed sometime ago while we were discussing never to marry a woman he knows another man has slept with no matter how much he loved the person. Should l tell him the truth and lose him or keep the secret to my self? Your prompt response to this would be greatly appreciated. Concerned Lady. Dear Concerned Lady, Sleeping with other men for verification of who has the problem in your relationship wasn’t wise. Being young and naïve isn’t an excuse to be unfaithful to your man and relationship. If you hadn’t been having premarital sex, would you have gone out of your matrimonial home to verify through sleeping with other men if the fault was yours or not? The oath to stay faithful begins from the very first moments a couple agrees to become one. A cheating girlfriend or boyfriend cannot be trusted to be faithful within the bonds of marriage. What you should have done is to call his attention to the problem as well as your dissatisfaction with his sexual performance. I guess your fear was and still is confronting him with evidence of your sexual dissatisfaction. You don’t want to have to answer questions of where you got the knowledge or experience that he is having the problem of premature ejaculation. You want to present yourself as a good girl who is contended when in actual fact you are suffering from lack of sexual satisfaction. As long as you insist on presenting yourself as demure and contended with the quality of your sex life, the more the danger of you going out to have fun and the greater the risk of you being caught by him through either carelessness or contact of any of the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). There is no stopping a woman who isn’t getting the quality of sex she desires from going out. No matter how much you try to ignore it, given the fact that you have already strayed, a time would come when you would simply throw in the towel on account of sexual frustrations. So to insure your relationship with this man; that is if you are really serious about marrying him is to tell him the truth about your sexual frustrations. No matter what it would eventually cost you, point him at his area of weakness. Let him know precisely what you feel each time he ejaculates before you are ready. If he is matured, he would know that your feelings of frustration don’t have to come from experimenting outside him but a natural feeling every sexually active person knows instinctively. Sexual satisfaction is like food. You don’t need a third party to tell you when you want more or are satisfied. If you were more matured, you would have known going outside your relationship to find an answer in the beds of other men wasn’t necessary. Search your mind to know if to tell him the truth or not. But be reminded that nothing is ever hidden. He may come to know the truth eventually by which time it would be very impossible to get him to listen to you. No matter how painful the consequences of telling the truth are, there is no alternative to it. Not only does telling the truth confer respect, it offers compassion where condemnation should have been applied. Still the choice to tell him what the attendant problems laced into his inability to satisfy you in bed is yours. As his woman, you have a role to play in helping him gain control of his body. Begin by asking him what the issues are. Is it that he is always excited getting into bed with you? Is he experiencing some pressures from his family, work or business? What pressures are you putting him through? Since the problem started two years after your started dating him, it means the problem began in the relationship. If both of you have committed your time and emotions to other areas of the relationship beyond sex, discussing this problem and finding a workable solution would not be difficult. He must trust you to open up and you must have the commitment and compassion to help him without damaging his ego as a man. To enhance your understanding of all the issues involved, arm yourself with information on the subject by going to the internet to read about it or books that discuss it. The first impression you must erase is; it is a disease. It isn’t. With your help, a deep sense of adventure and willingness to experiment with certain positions, he would overcome it. However for the solution to be permanent, you in particular must be convinced of the need to be loyal at all times because any betrayal on your part could aggravate the situation. Good luck.

She is playing around

Dear Agatha I am a regular reader of your column, please I need you advice before I stray. I have a girl who I love so much. The problem I have with her is that she is always demanding money from me and I lately realize that she is going out with different guys. Please help me out. Ibrahim. Dear Ibrahim, Unless you are prepared to overlook these excesses of hers and you have the inner strength to cope with the knowledge of her unfaithfulness, have the shock absorbers to condone other men claiming rights to your girlfriend’s time and emotions, it is best you terminate the relationship. This is the instance in which love isn’t enough a criteria to sustain a relationship. A lot of responsibilities go with being in love, the important being respect and loyalty to one’s partner. If she doesn’t think you are important enough for her to remain faithful to, of what essence is then the relationship? But before you make up your mind about her, what real evidences do you have to back up your claim of her unfaithfulness? Is it because she is always demanding money from you that made you come to that conclusion or her behavior towards you? Whatever, be sure your findings are right and one of the ways you can effectively confirm is to confront her with the allegations or evidences. No matter how damning your reasons are, give her the benefit of doubt by allowing her to defend herself against your accusations. Listening to her can’t change a thing if you are determined to let go of the relationship but it would help you know that you are doing the right thing as well as prevent the attendant regrets that come later in life over certain decisions considered too hasty and harsh at the time they were taken. Life is a very complex web. Sometimes, what appears such a beautiful pattern, often time turns out not to be with experiences and the benefit of age. What is your limit for the love you have for her? is it endless and unconditional? Think deeply. If your mind was made up and you very sure of your facts, you won’t be asking for advice. If she is really a woman you cannot trust, don’t hesitate to end it now to protect yourself and family from ridicule but if your mind tells you there is nothing to fear and that all the so called evidences against her are nothing at the end of the day, stand by her but ensure you do not encourage her ways be obliging her every demand, which may even be the reason she is looking else where. Insatiable taste breeds greed and promiscuity. If you love her and willing to stay on, this is an area you have to help her refine for the better. Good luck.

He is in love with his second cousin

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves. I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go. My question: what implication would they have if they continue? Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling? What should they do? Arms Dear Arms, In some cultures, it is forbidden while in other cultures it isn’t such a big deal especially as they are second cousins. Impress it on your friends to first of all investigate their culture, find out what is forbidden and what isn’t. They should also bring the relationship into the open by discussing their feelings with their family members. It is only after they have weighed all the options, family ties and customs of their different people that they can make a decision on whether it would work out or not. Good luck. I love her Dear Agatha, Please I need your urgent assistance. There is this girl who has been my close friend for two years. I recently discovered that my feelings for her have grown deeper. I recognise it as love. And it is with my whole heart. You see, she is my first female friend and is the very serious type. She takes everything including her studies very serious. She’ is the type of what I have always prayed for. However my problem is I am very scared of revealing my feelings to her. I am scared she may think I am very unserious with my life as I am still battling to get into the university. Recently I asked her on phone if she has a boyfriend and she said yes. That night, I slept with a crying heart. Agatha, should I tell her how I feel or remain her friend? She means so much to me. Confused Lover. Dear Confused Lover, There is no shame in falling with love with someone who is your friend. Having been friends with her for two years, it is natural for you to feel something for her since she has all the qualities you have ever wanted in a woman. Telling her will not diminish her respect for you. What would is if you make a nuisance of yourself in your drive to have her. That you are not in school doesn’t make it abnormal for you to have feelings. You are young and healthy which makes your feelings for her perfectly normal. She would only consider you irresponsible if in the two years you have been friends, you have gotten into the habit of expressing interest in every woman you see or have a lot of girlfriends. In such a situation, she would think, your interested in her is motivated by sex or desire to add her to your harem. But if you have always projected yourself as being responsible, respectful of her feelings and a caring young man, she would still cherish your friendship, whether she agrees to a relationship with you or not. Your telling her is not intended to break up her relationship with the other man but to show her how much she means to you. However, respect her views and feelings on this matter and don’t ever pressurize her into quitting her relationship. The essence of your telling her is only to give her a wider opportunity to be happy, nothing more, nothing less. As for you admission, it will come when God ordains it. Read and leave the rest to God. Good luck.

My husband has low sperm count

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I got married three years ago. My husband and I have been trying for a child since then. There is no place I haven’t been to in my quest for a child. There is no medication; I haven’t taken in my bid to be a mother. Since women are always to blame for the absence of a child in a marriage, I didn’t bother my husband too much to accompany me for any medical test. I just wanted to please him by having a baby. It wasn’t until I got introduced to my current doctor who insisted that for her to examine me, she must see my husband. Then I pressured him to come with me to see the doctor. After series of medical examinations, she certified me fit but sent my husband for more tests. Finally, it was discovered that he has low sperm count hence was placed on certain drugs with the instruction that we should make love as frequently as possible. He was specifically told that meeting me during my ovulation period would enhance my chances of becoming pregnant. Since I didn’t want to deflate his ego, I wisely refused to discuss it with him especially as he didn’t bring it up. The first few months, he abided by the doctor’s instruction but after the third month, he went back to doing things his way. Sometimes, he won’t come near me for weeks and when he finally does, it is over in a few minutes. When I tried to complain about the unfair way he was treating me, he flared up and accused me of conniving with the doctor to conceal my inability to give him a child; he described the diagnosis of the doctor that he has low sperm count as false and baseless. He promised to surprise me by impregnating another woman. There was no name he didn’t call the doctor and I. Two months ago, I developed a very nasty itch in my private part; on examination, I was told I have a sexually transmitted disease. When I confronted my husband with the situation, he told me to do whatever pleases me that he has since lost interest in our marriage. He went on to ask what use is having a woman in the house who cannot give him a child? The pressure is too much and my close friends are urging me to go out of my marriage and get pregnant to keep my husband. Although I have resisted so far but three weeks ago, I ran into an old friend and I am seriously contemplating dating him. I am so confused. Bisi Dear Bisi, No matter the challenges you are going through in your present marriage, don’t fall into the temptation of playing in the field. It isn’t worth it. You honestly have a good case now but once you decide to pay your husband back in his own coin, you end up being the loser. No matter how permissive we have become as a people, certain things never change. A married woman must be loyal to her vows. If a woman must play the field, she reserves the right to end her marriage which I am sure isn’t what you intend to happen in your marriage. Whatever you are going through in your marriage isn’t strange. Every marriage has its share of crisis and upheavals. The difference between failure and success is the ability to endure difficult periods like this in a marriage. Despite the behaviour of your husband, you must try to understand him; he is going through the worst kind of emotional crisis any man can go through in life. His reaction is a cry for help. Being told that his chances of fathering a child is very slim on account of having low sperm count can’t be easy. It is easier to blame the woman for being the cause of childlessness in a marriage than the man. One thing men cherish the most is their viability. And the usual thing is that since a man can sleep with a woman, he is considered hale and hearty; to be confronted with the knowledge that being able to have an erection doesn’t make a complete man of him needs getting used to. Your man is still in a severe state of shock. He needs all the time in the world to appreciate the issue before him. Understandably, so many questions are currently cascading through his mind; the major one being doubt. Not many men know that ejaculating semen during lovemaking doesn’t mean they have healthy sperm. A healthy sperm is the one with the force to make a woman pregnant. If a healthy man releases about 40 million and 1.2 billion sperm cells in a single ejaculation to get just one of the sperms to fertilise a ripe female egg, what chance does a man with low sperm count have to do the same job? Without him realising or admitting it, he needs you more than ever before. He needs your strength as a woman to pull through this very difficult period in his life. Like fish out of water, he will fight at first until he has no strength in him. It is a matter of his pride and ego as a man you are dealing with here. Unless you are patient, there is no stunt he isn’t capable of pulling in his current state of mind. This is his most vulnerable; when a designing and desperate lady can pin on him another man’s pregnancy. For a man looking for ways to prove the doctor wrong, his joy at being told he is responsible for a pregnancy will eclipse his sound rationality at least when it matters the most. For this reason, you have to know when to ignore him and pretend all is well. That he brought home a Sexually Transmitted Disease underscores the kinds of women he is bringing into his life. With the tense situation between the two of you, don’t bother with him, go and get yourself treated immediately because to wait for him is to expose yourself to the consequences of secondary infection. It is imperative you eliminate that first before informing him for his own well being that he has contacted an STD from one of his girlfriends. Show him the receipt and medical report of your own infection from him and how much the treatment cost you. The fact that you deliberately refused to quarrel with him over the matter might make him apply the breaks and reconsider the sanity of his actions. If he doesn’t, continue to ignore him and insist on a condom whenever he comes to you for lovemaking. Explain your insistence on the use of a form of protection; let him know it has nothing to do with your love for him but that of protecting your reproductive health and as well as general health from danger. Sincerely only very few men would be calm on hearing this kind of verdict. Many men will do precisely what he is doing. But from experience, this kind of behaviour soon expires leaving them exhausted and calm. Therefore you need to help him plan ahead; think of the many options both of you can explore as a couple as well as all the assurances of your love and support. No man wants the world to know about his inability in this area of life. This is the kernel of his behaviour. As always, there is no challenge too great for God to overcome. Many men with low sperm count have recovered to father children after adhering strictly to recommended treatment. He must be disciplined to overcome this challenge; this is where you should focus your prayers. If at the end of the day, he is still unable to father a child, both of you should consider the option of adopting one. The kinds of emotions, investment, time and love we invest in a child is what makes the difference. The difference between a biological child and an adopted child is that one grows in the mother’s tummy while the other grows in the heart. Through reassuring him of your love and support, he will soon overcome this challenge. Good luck.

I charmed him but he now hates me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Early this year, I fell flat for one of the most handsome men I have seen in my life. Despite having a man in my life, I pursued him with the single-mindedness of a desperate woman. I even had to use the help of a spiritualist to get him to notice me out of the many women flocking round him. Eventually, he noticed and we began dating. I went back to the spiritualist to consolidate my hold on him through the help of a substance he said I should lace his favorite food with. It worked like magic as he became virtually my slave; I could order him the way I like. However, after few months I got tired of the quality of relationship; I wanted something more; a man who has initiative, who could think and do things on his own. When I went back to the spiritualist, he said there was nothing he could do to reverse the initial thing he did for me but that he would give me something that will water down the effect. To my pains, he began to manifest violent tendencies immediately I mixed the substance with his drinks. These days, he beats me at the slightest excuse and he has started dating other women. Now he is rebelling so much against everything we planned; so much so, the wedding plans we have put in place, he is resisting. The sad thing now is that I have become pregnant. Now he is telling anybody who cares to listen, that he isn’t interested in me anymore. The spiritualist is currently indisposed and I have nobody to help me put him under check. I am really desperate for your help. Our wedding is planned for the end of January next year. My father is already asking me questions about my state because he is a pastor. Everyday things are getting worse between my boyfriend and I. besides, I discovered he smokes and drinks. I don’t know what to do. He wants me out of his house before my pregnancy becomes noticeable but the man I brought home is different from this one that I have. I know you can help me. Severally I have had to lie about the injuries I sustain through his beatings. I am 26 years old. I don’t think he is being fair to me and his unborn child. Tolu. Dear Tolu, At 26 years of age, what was your hurry? What prompted you into going to a spiritualist to seek help in engaging the interest of a man and binding him to you? What was so special about this man that you couldn’t wait for reason to prevail? As the daughter of a pastor, what examples were you taught and given? From all you have said, this man is absolutely blameless. If there is anybody who is unfair here, it is you. You are the one that hasn’t been fair to this man or your former boyfriend. You wanted him against his will, turned him into something alien to his nature. Don’t forget that you are the one who used charms to chain him to you, and influence him into a relationship he may not have any memory of. Had he come to you with his clear mind, slept with you of his own volition and he turns round to abandon you, then you can accuse him of being unfair. But you planned everything, played god in the affairs of your life. Unfortunately, those who play god in affairs of men end up being the loser. You are in the thorns of embarrassment because you ran beyond your destiny; designed your own life, coloured it the way you thought it would work for you. It is unfortunate but you just must learn from this point to submit yourself to the ways of God so that you won’t end up in more emotional mess than you bargained for. One way to begin to do that is to accept the situation you have put yourself because it is too late in the day to do anything about it. You have made yourself this bed, so learn to lie on it with the most minimum fuse. In addition, you have to accept the reality of the matter; you are going to be a single parent. So brace up now and come clean with what you did so that your parents will know what to do and how to be of help to you. It is absurd that you went to the extent you got to in your bid to attract the attention of a man. If at 26, you have already started trading in charms to attract and sustain the interest of men, what would you do when you are older and not as attractive as you are now? That you are a daughter of a pastor makes the whole scenario very disturbing because you are supposed to be a beckon of hope to young ladies like you. I shudder to think what you would have done or how far you would have gone if your father wasn’t a pastor. Life is a stage; there is no jumping into the next stage without paying the dues of the stage one is first. Besides, we are each blessed with a quality that makes us unique. You ran after a man who has physical beauty to the exclusion of his other qualities. Confiding in your parents now would stop whatever actions your father might be contemplating taking to protect his name and image as a pastor. Clearly, you need help to manage this situation well. By telling your parents the whole truth, you would be giving them the chance to help you face the truth about yourself. From the tone of your letter, you are not even repentant; you are unaware of the issues to address; could it be you are pretending not to know where the mistake is coming from? Sincerely, you cannot move on from this point you have tied yourself if you don’t do the honest thing of facing the ugly side of you. You must unlock the potency of that force that propelled you into charming a man repeatedly. It isn’t healthy and the normal thing for any right thinking woman to do. Marriage isn’t a do or die affair. It takes two reasonable and happy minds to make this journey work. Without the active support and participation of one of the parties, there is no marriage. Even if you had succeeded in marrying this man, you would never have enjoyed it because right from the beginning he never participated in it. What were you thinking; charming a man to be yours? Did it ever occur to you that a relationship premised on charm would have to be sustained by it? How many charms do you think would last forever? You would have to keep going every month to a spiritualist to renew whatever you did to make him happy with you. Talking to your parents will help you meet the person inside of you. It will also help you come to a realistic assessment of all that have happened to you on one hand and your parents on the other hand. In addition it will also help your parents focus on the areas of their training that is defective and give your father the presence of mind to protect you the more from yourself. To overcome this ugly development, discontinue any contact with this man. I concur in your own way you love him but it just went a little bit askew. More than before, you must help yourself make very rational decisions else you would reduce yourself to some kind of emotional rubble, a luxury you cannot afford considering you have a baby to love, care and protect. By accepting the baby as compensation for all your efforts and evidence of the love you feel for the father would make it bearable for you to continue with your life. Also, life is about learning from our mistakes. The only way you can fully recover from this experience and turn it into your strength is to acknowledge all the areas you went wrong. By now, you should know that no spiritualist and charm can give you what God hasn’t given you. Unless God builds a house those who build it, do so in vain. Go back to that point you made a mistake and seek the face of God. He is the only help we all have. If it entails going to this man to beg him to forgive you, do so because in all ways, you offended him. The effects of the charms you used on him may be the things turning him into the violent person he has become. There is no telling the kinds of powers the spiritualist let loose on this innocent man. Only forgiveness from him can ever make you complete. Good luck.

I love my wife as well as my girlfriend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please, I need your advice fast before I do something dangerous. I have been married for 10 years and life was good when I got married but, things got bad few years back when I lost my job. This led me to seek assistance from other women outside my marriage even though my wife has always provided me with all the support she can offer. She pays the school fees of the children, provides food since I don’t have regular income to care for our two children. Agatha, but the problem now is that another lady is pregnant for me who says abortion is not an option for her. My wife is not aware of this and my pregnant girl friend thinks I am single. I love my family and my girl friend too. So how do I break the news to my wife and also my girl friend without hurting both of them? Please help with your advice before it’s too late. Unemployed Husband. Dear Unemployed Husband, The only help is for you to tell yourself some plain truth about the mess you put yourself and family into. No responsible man speaks or acts the way you are speaking or acting. How do you feel lying to a woman about your marital status? How does it make you feel? What kind of example are you giving your children by telling lies? How would you be able to face your children and the woman you yourself said gave her best to make you happy despite losing your job? It is bad enough to engage in extra marital affairs but telling the lady in question that you aren’t married is the height of irresponsibility, insensitivity to the feelings of the other woman and disregard for the person of your wife. The young lady is ruling out abortion because she thinks you are single and available to marry her. she fell in love with the image of a single man not the married man and father that you are. The only help you can offer this lady is to tell her the truth before it is too late. Give her the chance to take a decision concerning that child she is carrying inside of her. You have denied her the chance of the truth before, don’t do it again especially as the life of an innocent child is going to be involved. If your wife can forgive you, she may not be that charitable especially as you are forcing her into a lifestyle she clearly didn’t bargain for when she decided to date you. Every woman deserves a say in how her life ends up. To deny her this is to further compound the problem you have created for yourself. Irrespective of how much the truth would hurt her, for once, learn how to tell the truth. It is her right to know that you are married and not available to marrying her. Whatever she decides on, ensure you don’t ignore the baby she is carrying. As for your wife, it is important you tell her the truth because this thing would eventually blow up especially if the lady in question refuses to abort the baby. In your interest, it is necessary she gets to hear it from you. Although your telling her would not lessen the pains of betrayal she would feel at the news, but you may not be able to minimise the damage to your marriage if she gets to hear it from someone or somewhere else. One thing you would achieve by telling her yourself is the opportunity to plead for forgiveness from her. Should she get to hear from a secondary source, you may never get the opportunity of doing that. But before you do that, it is important you evaluate your choices. There is no way you can convince your wife, who has given you all the support to forgive you when you waste precious time you would have invested on more meaningful things on women. Using your lack of job as an excuse to turn to the women in your life, is not tenable. How can having affairs with women help improve your financial standing or grant you a source of steady income? If your wife hadn’t been the struggling kind, would you even have a roof over your head or the presence of mind to approach a woman? You must be looking well for this other woman to believe you are single and getting pregnant for you. Had your wife been the harsh kind, there is no way your girlfriend won’t have found out that you were lying to her about not having a wife. The tension in your home would have made you told her something about your wife. Sincerely, you haven’ t been fair to this woman. It couldn’t have been easy for her to take on the responsibility of caring for the home alone. What you owe yourself at this point in time is to sit down and think of what is important to you at the end of it all. What can you count as your major achievement? What kind of satisfaction beyond sex are you getting from them? Do you think any of these women would be able to tolerate, endure with you the way your wife has done in the past few years? When you think of your wife, what kind of woman do you see? Whatever it is you are looking for from these women, think of all the sacrifices your wife has made for the marriage. Go back to your reason for marrying her. Granted that in the course of caring for you and the family, she may not exactly have time to look as good as all the other women you are dating but her appearance speaks volume of the kind of sacrifices and selflessness she is putting to ensure the home is comfortable for you and the children. If she wasn’t looking as good as you wanted, there are better ways to get her to listen, of getting her pay more attention to her looks. Having extra marital affairs has never been a solution to marital problems. Besides, any of these women getting pregnant for you, there is no telling the kind of diseases they have which you could easily transfer to your wife. Has it occurred to you that you could easily contract and transmit a terminal disease from any of these women to your wife? The fact that one of them is pregnant shows that you have been having unprotected sex. How would you explain a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to your wife? One thing is for a woman to have a stepchild she didn’t bargain for but, a different ball game to be infested with a disease from her husband’s numerous escapades. If this woman means anything to you, help protect her person and dignity from the embarassment of having to explain herself to a doctor or chemist. The damage you are doing to your marriage has far reaching implications. The chances of you ever tapping into her trust, loyalty, support, understanding and sacrifices are very slim. Having burnt this bridge, she may find it absolutely impossible to give you the same kind of support even when you have repented. You have really wronged your wife. You need to really beg her to forgive you if you hope for some peace in life. Whatever it takes you to restore peace and harmony in your home, do it. As a married man, your place is with your wife and children. Your numerous women aren’t investments at all; rather, they are liabilities you can do without. In addition, having them crowding your life wont allow you to focus, think of the many things you can do on your own while you search for a job. I am sure you have more value for your life than sleeping with women. As a man, you have needs, which your wife’s little resources or the extras you get from your women friend cannot provide. A time would come when you would no longer be able to work as hard as you can now or be as attractive to have around these women as you are now. If you are not concerned for the feelings of your wife and children, at least be for yourself. Help yourself gain whatever respect you have lost by your inability to bring together all the bits and pieces of your life. You owe yourself a dream. Good luck.

He wants me to dress against my beliefs

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your help urgently. My husband who professes to be a Christian, as a matter of fact, an assistant pastor, wants me to wear trousers, body hugging clothes, jewellery, sexy blouses, perm my hairs as well as wear trendy underwears. These things are against my beliefs because I grew up in a home where these things are forbidden. My parents were members of the Scripture Union. Throughout my university days, I resisted the temptation to follow trends because my father from an early age told me that only wayward women put on trousers or wear jewellery. He said these things were from the devil, specifically the water spirit herself. We got married three years ago and I have noticed that he isn’t always comfortable with me. I married him because I thought he actually liked me the way I am, but I am beginning to doubt that these days. I know that while we were dating, he made attempts to persuade me to change my way of dressing, but soon gave up when I told him I wasn’t ready to change from what I have always been. I really thought he was okay by my explanation and was really glad when he became an assistant pastor. But now, I am not so sure. I have also noticed that he is keeping his distance from me these days, seems to prefer the company of other people than mine. He also complains about everything I do these days, including dressing our daughter in clothes he doesn’t like. I love him more than anything else in the world, but I cannot change from who I have always been. I am 32 years of age. I consider myself too old to make that change he wants me to make. Besides, how do I explain to my friends from my youth and family the new me? I have tried everything I know to make him change but he is being so unreasonable and adamant. What do I do, Agatha? The Bible says it is wrong for a woman to wear trousers, do I obey my husband or stick to what the Bible says? Yeniola. Dear Yeniola, The Bible calls the man the head of the home and mandates the woman to give him every respect and support deserving of his position. The Bible conceives the man as the crown of the woman therefore it follows she must do everything within her power to ensure it stays firm and well balanced on her head. From Genesis to Revelation, obedience remains the bond of relationship between God and man. It remains the number one commandment that is why God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Without it, no organisation in the world would work, especially the marriage institution. Everywhere in the world, the different doctrines and religions preach the man as being the head of the home; hence his words and desires are laws. No matter the position a woman occupies or her family background, the law of God and man demands total submission to the wishes of her husband. Therefore, your father’s laws or his desires cannot override that of your husband whose name you now answer to. If you cannot respect your husband, the man God has ordained to be your crown, it follows you cannot honour God. It is a simple case of outright disobedience to the ways and directives of God. Coming down to simple logic, who is asking you to change your ways? Is it not the man who married you, the one man you swore to before God and man, to honour, respect, obey, love all the days of your life? Who will you be wearing those clothes for, he or other men? Why did you get married? And what were you told to do to have a happy and fulfilled home by your parents? Did your father or mother tell you at any point in your life that you should disobey your husband? Deep down, do you think your mother would have lasted the length of time in your father’s house were she a disobedient wife? As a pastor’s wife, how would you handle this kind of issue if a female member of the church comes to you for help? Would you ask her to ignore the wishes of her husband or listen to him to protect her home? One other point you should consider is how you would feel in the long run, if your husband decides to look another woman’s way. Don’t think being an assistant pastor stops him from feeling all the things other men feel or going through temptations. If prominent men of God have fallen to the lure women represent, there is limit to what he can do without help from you. The first help he is asking you is to help him fight the pull of the flesh by dressing attractively. Your husband knows his own weak points and is asking, appealing to you as his wife to help him fight it by meeting him half way through your way of dressing. To understand his reason better, make an unscheduled visit to his counselling class or that of any young and attractive pastor to appreciate the daily temptations the men of God are exposed to. Those things he is asking you to wear are Victorian compared to what some women wear for deliverance or counselling. Understand one thing, he is first of all a man before being a pastor. There is no way he can be under annointing for 24 hours. It takes only a second to surrender to the bait of a calculating woman. Once that second happens, the mess may take forever to erase. I am sure you would rather do as your husband says than to have another woman entice your husband to herself. If he sees women in trousers, he would think nothing of another woman wearing trousers. He may not notice because back home, his wife wears it. He will not need to imagine what it will be like to have a wife who wears it or think it anything special for a woman to be in trousers. The clear implication of you disobeying him is that he maybe forced into the hands of another woman, one willing to do what he wants. And where will that leave you? If there is any repercussion from what he is asking you to do, it is between him and the God he serves, not you because you are following the laid down rules of God; obeying your husband. As for what your family or friends from your past would say, it isn’t their business. You are now a grown woman, responsible to your husband and yourself. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the kinds of clothes you are wearing, it behoves you to do what you have to do, to keep your marriage going under. Anybody who queries you for doing what everywoman does to protect her marriage is no friend of yours. Besides, my Bible tells me that God created everything in heaven and earth. Therefore the logic that gold comes from devil, a creation of God, cannot hold water. Gold is precious and one of the ornaments the Book of Revelations says is used in abundance in heaven. So how can gold and other precious stones then come from the devil? The only thing is for us not to worship the ornament more than the Creator. No matter what you do, put the interest of your home and desires of your husband. Your father ran his home the way he wanted and liked, allow your husband do the same for his home. The greatest pains that can befall a woman is to be pushed out of her home by another woman her husband finds more attractive. Honestly, you are a very lucky woman because your husband is honest enough to tell you what he wants. No everyman has the boldness and forthrightness to be so explicit about what he wants. This is why many men go outside their homes to begin affairs with women, who come close to their dream women. Marriage is a journey of compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must find a common ground to move your marriage forward. You must do away with certain things from your past because you now have a new leader whose rules are different from the one your father brought you up with. Obedience is the only thing that brings comfort zone in a marriage. Obey him first and complain about the aspects you don’t like later. The fact that you are willing to do as he says will make him listen to whatever complains you may have against one or two things. Always stay close to God if you want your marriage to go a long way. Good luck.

I love her but…

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please help me. I have been in love with a lady for seven years without any problem. We like each other and have agreed to marry. However problem started two years ago when she began to date another man, a development which led to her ignoring me completely. I have asked God to bring another woman my way if she isn’t His choice for me but my spirit keeps telling me she is my wife but she simply refuses to listen to me anytime I approach her. Please what do I do? Mr. Worried. Dear Mr. Worried, Why did she leave you after seven years for another man? Was there or has there been any disagreement between the two of you? What happened to your seven-year-old dream? One thing is to feel it down in your spirit that she is the right one for you; another thing is to be ready to make the sacrifices that come with entrenching an enduring relationship. Seven years are enough for both of you to have understood yourselves very well. At that age, your relationship shouldn’t be having the problem of abandonment whatsoever. What went wrong between the two of you? What did you two do to help stabilise the relationship? What were your own faults and how did you treat her as your woman? A lot of time, when a woman leaves for another relationship, it may not necessarily be because she is promiscuous or greedy, it may just be because her former man didn’t give her the kind of attention and care she needs as a woman. You may not realise it at the time she was with you but if you want to do yourself a world of good, take a step back in time to the beginning of your relationship with her. Go through every page of your seven years together. Take the time to pay detailed attention to those years, her constant complaints about you? The things she didn’t like as well as the quality of happiness you were able to give her! Deep down and in retrospect, would you say, you were very fair to her? There are so many things we do without us realising its implications until it is too late. Everyday is however a new opportunity for us to make amends in life. Whatever it is you haven’t done right with her, you have a new chance of doing right with another woman or with her if God says you two are meant to be. But the important thing now is to hear clearly from God. It is about what you feel but what God is saying is good for you. If she has given her commitment to another man, the right thing is for you to step aside and allow them be. To continue to hang around in hope that she would come back to you after two years of walking out on you is to deny yourself a chance at happiness again. Whatever made her decide against you after seven years must be strong and needs addressing in your life to help you in your new relationship. Your concern now should be not to make the same mistakes you made with her with another woman. Some things are not just meant to be in life no matter how much we desire them. She will continue to ignore you because she has found happiness with someone else and wouldn’t want you to destroy it. The best you can hope for from her is to be your friend but not when the issues that informed her leaving you appears to be still hurting her. It appears like a case of you crying over spilt milk. When appreciation comes too late in a relationship, a whole lot of things may have been damaged beyond repairs. By waiting in the wing hoping her relationship with her new man falls into pieces isn’t a solution. Rather, you should let go and pray the right prayer to God for intervention in your own life. You are not hearing clearly from God because your mind is preset into having her back at all cost. You can only hear from God when you are quiet and patient enough to give Him the opportunity to speak to you. This means your hurt, disappointments, and desperation must give way to appreciation of the ways of God. God doesn’t make mistakes. Give God all the glory that this break up didn’t happen after you have married; that would have been very devastating and its consequences very difficult to untangle from. That it happened before you both could say I do, should be viewed by you as an act of God’s divine mercy. Listen to Him with patience. Good luck.

Will my fiancee remain loving, caring after marriage?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Thanks a lot for the great priceless help you render to people. My Gmail is filled with all your responses to people’s issues. However, I will be getting married in September of 2013. I have been dating my woman for 10 years. She is still a virgin while I am not. I love her so much that I can go the extra mile to let the world see how much she means to me. But, my fear is if things will continue like this between us after marriage. The questions that keep coming to my mind are; will it always be this blissful between us, will I change from being who I am and will she still be the same loving and caring woman that I marry? This is because people change after marriage. My parents were not left out and today I can’t look at my parents and say their marriage is blissful. Worst still, people pretend during courtship but my woman is not a pretender. I would be grateful if a dossier of questions is prepared for her and me. Even the ones on sex though I know she has no experience except gist and information from her female folks. The last time I questioned her about our relationship and things like my likes and dislikes was six years ago. Now, I need questions for marriage, technically and from your experience as a marriage expert. People might wonder what I still want after 10 years of friendship. Though I have some answers based on my experiences with her but there are things I still need to know about the journey we are about to embark on. I just need assurances. The Chinese proverb says ’empty the cup if you want more knowledge’. Besides we have not seen for more than five times in four years. I need questions to ask her if possible to be our constant guide after marriage. This is because my mother told me how much my father loved her in the early part of their marriage but now I sense no more passion in my father’s eyes for my mother. I don’t want mine to be like theirs. I want to enjoy mine. This is why I want you to be part of my marriage, and ensure it runs smoothly. Moreover, God has given you knowledge of counseling, why deny myself the honour and privilege when the priceless things of this world are free. Omini. Dear Omini, God and not me should be part of your marriage because He is the one with all the wisdom and knowledge of how to navigate the stormy roads of marriage. I want to start by telling you that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Every marriage has its share of storms and challenges, which the couple must pass through to give marriage a character. And there is no such thing as having thorough knowledge of each other. There will always be things you will never know about each other. It is the complexity of the human nature. The important thing is for both of you to be focused and open minded about the things concerning yourselves and pending marriage. One way to do that is to learn from the mistakes of your own family. Your parents remain your first contact with the complications of marriage. From your observations of your parents’ union, what do you think went wrong with their dreams and happiness? Can you do a detailed appraisal? For instance, if you were to score your father, how will you grade him in relation with his treatment of your mother? This is important in the sense that we unconsciously ape our parents. Many a time, we do unfair comparison between our parents and our spouses. For you to enjoy your wife, you must avoid comparing her with your mother or sisters. You must also resist the urge to import some of your father’s attitude to your mother into your marriage. Life is about accepting the good things and doing away with the bad ones. If your father took pride in sidelining your mother from major decisions in the home and life, it doesn’t make it right. You and your woman must pattern your marriage to suit your needs and in line with your own peculiarities as individuals. These are things that you don’t plan for but which come unconsciously into the mind. From my experiences, these are the most potent threats to marriages. Without either planning for it, they end up importing their parents’ mistakes into their own marriages; in the process, a lot of conflicting signals that end up confusing couples find their way into their marriages. That is why seemingly happy couples end up tearing themselves apart few seconds after they sign the dotted lines. The maturity of marriage begins from a realistic approach to issues rather than sentiments; this is the way my parents did it. Therefore you and your woman must first come to a clear consciousness of the inherent issues you are inheriting from your sets of parents’ marriages. Both of you must sit to critique the union of your different parents with a view to doing away with those things inimical to the development and sustenance of a marriage. Whether you both accept it or not, this is something you must sit down to talk about. You may both think it isn’t your problem but experience has exposed it as the unseen third party in a marriage. Right from the nascent stage, both of you must be united in avoiding the mistakes of your parents in your own marriage. So ask her to tell you about the marriage of her parents. Their love story, the disappointments, how they survived and the point they are currently in. if her parents have enjoyed friendship from the day they met to this point of their union, you can be rest assured that she too will want to be happy in hers. Furthermore, you also have to know the kind of relationship that exists between her and her mother, father and siblings. A heart that is deficient in love will never appreciate one when given. Even if the heart jumps at it at the initial stage, overtime, it will find ways to reject it. Therefore you must know by asking and observing. The real reason you have to observe is because there are certain knotty issues you can only get the answers through observations. Nobody will tell you how the mother abuses the father or how disrespectful the father is to the mother. These are answers you can only get by getting close to the family. So no matter the number of questions I give you to ask her, the real substance of a person can only be deduced through observation of the people that make that person. This is because we are all products of our environment. A good marriage needs the visions of both the man and woman. For two to walk as one, they must have identical dreams. No matter how profound your love for each other is, if both of you are pulling the fabric of your marriage at different ends, it will eventually give way. A man or woman can be nice but if paired with the wrong spouse, things can go very wrong. This is the reason you must also fine-tune your visions to compliment each other’s dream. And since you both seldom see each other, there is also the important business of you two really sitting down to discuss your persons, likes and dislikes. A man and woman can be together for decades without really knowing what makes them happy whereas, a couple can meet today and become happy at their choices. For your marriage to work, both of you must adopt realistic and workable approaches to issues. Good luck