She says her heart belongs to another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your good work to humanity. May God, who knows your contributions, reward you adequately. The problem is my girlfriend; we met five years ago when I was in my first year at the university. I have since concluded my national youth service. She works as a computer operator. During all these years, I have been the one making all the calls, sending her credit as well as gifts. She has never called me with the credit I send her. Recently, I applied for a visa to travel out of the country, two days to my departure date, I invited her over to my place, we discussed, and I told her of my plans to leave very soon. I asked if she has any other man apart from me, in her life, she told me about one man she knew before she met me. According to her, he is based in Kaduna and only comes home at Christmas; I accepted her explanations because of my unconditional love for her. Unfortunately, my father died before I could travel so, decided to suspend my travel plans to bury my father One Saturday, I called her and she told me she was going to Enugu to help a friend prepare for an event; I said it was okay but I was surprised when she sent me a text message later that night, to say it was over between us. According to the message she sent, she said I have caused her so much pains and that she has been avoiding me for the four years we dated because she never loved me. She revealed that her heart belongs to her boyfriend in Kaduna. She ended her message with the appreciation for all I have done for her. I was both baffled and angry so I called her to ask how I have hurt her. You can imagine my pains when a man, the same one she said lives in Kaduna took my call. He wanted to know the nature of my relationship with her. I didn’t bother to answer him instead, I cut off the conversation. To be candid with you, I had plans to marry this girl. I love her with everything that is me and have had no interest in any other woman since meeting her. To worsen things, she failed to attend my father’s burial ceremony. Her reasons, that, I will not accept her presence at the ceremony. Agatha, you are the one who can correctly advice me. Ejike. Dear Ejike, She has made her stance clear; she has someone else in her life. There is nothing you can do but to move on with your life. It is painful, no doubt, but if you weren’t too blinded by your love for her, you should have suspected the quality of her feelings for you through her behavior. The warmth of a woman’s feelings for a man is often in the way she relates to the man. While a woman can pretend all she wants about her feelings for a particular man, a smart man can always tell from the way she responds to him; the occasional out-burst as well as irritations she cannot control when around him, the nature of her true feelings for him. In fairness to her, she left you a huge clue that should have alerted you to her feelings for you. You are the one who has been doing all the callings even when you send her credits. The fact that she hasn’t for once bothered to call you, even when you send her credit should have told you that thoughts of you were far from her mind. She didn’t pretend rather, you ignored her subtle way of communicating the true state of her feelings to you. In that sense she didn’t betray you at all. The fact that she even told you about the man in her life, the one she knew before she met you, should also have made you probe further into the nature of her feelings for you. Some situations are planned by God to protect us from ourselves. If you had left before she made up her mind to tell you the truth, what would you have done, especially if you had gone announcing to your friends about your woman back home? In a way, she is a good girl because a more cunning woman, knowing how much you love her would have continued to play you for a fool until you are abroad and able to send her the elusive dollars. That she told you the truth about her feelings for you; shows she isn’t materialist at all. For this reason, be grateful she didn’t keep you waiting for too long before opening up on her feelings. Besides, you assumed she wanted to marry her without first seeking her permission or input at all. The fact that you love her, doesn’t mean she must share your feelings, sentiments and thoughts. I am sure if you had bothered to ask her pointed questions about her feelings for you, she would have told you the truth given the way she has been treating your love. Since life itself is a mixed bag of pains, disappointments and joy, try to forget her but not the lessons you have learnt. Life is a process of learning always; this is necessary to avoid you making more mistakes with another woman. Time heals, no matter how deep the wound is. Next time, learn to discuss your plans and feelings with a woman first before making plans around her. Your assumption that she is yours must have caused her pains in her relationship with the other man. There is no way, your calls or messages would have gone unnoticed by the other man in her life who will naturally assume she is cheating on him. Because you are a presence that has refused to go, no matter how cold she treated you for five years, the other man must have quarreled with her a number of times over you. Whatever qualities that made you fall so helplessly in love with her, you can find in another woman. So, stop hurting yourself by moving on. Thankfully, you are set to travel; a change of environment works wonders for a broken heart. The trip and the attendant hassle of settling down will help you forget her. By the time you are ready to love again, ensure every mistake you made with her is corrected in your new relationship. Given what transpired between the two of you, there is no way she would have attended the burial ceremony of your father. For now, it would be best to stop calling her; if she expresses a desire to have you for a friend in her life, oblige her but, let the decision be hers to make. The fact that you both didn’t make it as lovers; doesn’t mean you both can’t still be friends. You cannot wish away five years of being friends. I am sure a lot of things will be clearer to you by the time you meet the woman God has designed for you. Good luck.

What must I do to marry?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate your way of solving humanitarian problems. I am 29 years old and single. Please Agatha, what must I do to get married? Please I need your advice. Worried Lady. Dear Worried Lady, One of the cardinal rules in life, is not to run beyond God’s plans for one’s life. At 29, you shouldn’t be too desperate as to want to do anything to get married. Life is a big field of different stages we have to go through before getting to the important one of them all. Before you begin to think of the kind of desperate thing you want to do to attract a husband, look at your past with a view of X-raying the things you might have done wrong. Our pass-card to the next level in life, is our plans for our own life. Until now, what kinds of plans have you nurtured for yourself especially the one that concerns your ideal man? What have you done with or to the men that came your way before you got to this point in your life? Did you give the any reason to want to stay? If they were to describe you, what would these men say about you? In most cases, we are our own problems through the choices we make in life. Only a visit to your past can give you the correct answer you seek in your current travails. In addition to praying for the right man, the particular one God designed for you, learn to be responsible, friendly, respectful and humble. In a man/woman relationship, patience is a virtue any day. A woman who isn’t ready to make painful sacrifices will find it difficult meeting or keeping a man in her life. Once you are clear about the kind of man who has what it takes to make you happy, get you going in life, follow up with the practical step of being friendly without appearing desperate. Dress responsible and follow your own desires, not the ones outlined by friends or family members. Once you learn to be truthful to yourself, a lot of things will be easier to accomplish. Good luck.

At 33, I don’t know my father

Dear Agatha, I am a 33-year-old lady born without the presence of a father to take good care of me. I don’t know how it all happened. I would have asked my mother what transpired between her and my father but she isn’t too disposed to answering questions about her relationship with my father. From what I gathered, she took up the responsibilities to care for me by herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford to send me to school. She ignored the fact that I needed to have good education in life. Left with no choice, I had to go and stay with her sister at a tender age all because I desired to have a good education. I was brought to Lagos by this woman who cared so much for me but something happened to make her change dramatically towards me. I still don’t know what changed her to become so dramatically hostile to me. It got so bad she asked me to leave her house. Left with no choice, I went home to see my mother to demand for explanation. It was while at home she told me that someone in the church told her, a curse was placed on me. The voodoo is to make people hate me so much that I would be forced to return to the village. I was told to fast which I did. According to them, only the presence of my father can break the curse which is why I was told to fast for my mother to have a change of heart and take me to my father. To worsen matters my stepfather passed on leaving responsibilities too much for my mother to handle. Much as I would have loved to help, it is so painful that I am limited by my problems. Through self-help I sat for the General Certificate of’ Education (G.C.E) last year but my result has not been released till date. Please tell me what to do? The Bible says we should call upon God night and day for help. I know He is not in the habit of failing anyone who trusts in Him. Now there is this Indian man who wants me to come and work for him but he has placed some very difficult condition which I am uncomfortable with. He wants me to come and live with him in his house as his mistress. I don’t want to do that but I have no choice but to accept the offer. I may not have money but I don’t want to exchange my body for money because to me this is fornication? Please tell me what to do before I go into this relationship. Sincerely speaking, I am not be happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to offend God. my mother is refusing to introduce me to my father or his family. Till date, I don’t have any information concerning my father or his family; not even his name or that of his family. I have suffered so much and would not want to compromise my situation with God. I am of the belief he would make a way for me. I am so confused. Victoria. Dear Victoria, Your mother is the major architect of your problem. Why is she refusing to introduce you to your father or his family? Why is she allowing you go through this difficulty in life? Why did she stop your father from having access to you when she knows she is incapable of taking care of you or help you with information on how to better your life? What does she expect you to do in your current situation; sell your body to make ends meet? It is your right to know who your father is. At 33, you are more than old enough to be told who you father is. To continue to keep silent about his identity is to call to question her knowledge of who your father really is. This is the point you must emphasis when demanding from her to see your father. She must understand the emotional and spiritual trauma of you growing up without knowing the man whose sperm fathered you. Make her understand that whatever the issue was between them should not be allowed to mar your identity especially as you risk marrying any of your father’s relations or even your father for that matter out of ignorance. Let her also know that if she truly cares about you, she should be worried at the prophesy given in the church about the curse placed on you. If need be, go to her people or the leadership of the church to plead your case with her. She has to be made to appreciate that you are no longer a child but a full grown woman who ought to by now have settled and raising a family of her own. They should tell her there is no way you can move forward in life without her help in mending the crack she created in your foundation. Let them assure her that you won’t be offended or deny her as a mother if she tells you the truth concerning her past. Chances are, her refusal to tell you is fear of being rejected by you. Assure her that you understand that human beings are prone to mistakes, especially a young girl whose hormones are more than active or out of desperation for a better life, do certain things contrary to moral standards. Being a mother now, the fear of losing the respect you have for her by opening a chapter she considers closed for life. To get her to open up, you have to show a remarkable understanding and healthy respect for the decisions she took dating your father and for asking to keep you. To totally condemn her for would be totally wrong as you don’t have the experience of what motivated her decisions then. Besides, your condemnation may leave her a permanent prisoner of her conscience and guilt. Honestly at this stage, you won’t achieve much by fighting her. granted you have every reason to be angry, bitter but without you applying the much needed wisdom, it might be impossible for you to break her 33 year of silence. If she still refuses to tell you, there must be someone in her family who knows what happened in the past. Ask her siblings or relations. She must have someone who remembers her past, that can give you a clue into her past. The information may not be sufficient but it would be more than enough for you to go by. There is also the need for you to learn from her mistakes. Already, you are about to make the same mistake your mother made by going to live with a man whose intentions and desires for your body is obvious to you. What if he decides to force himself on you since you live all alone with him in his house? Would you blame him for doing what he has expressly told you he wanted? Do you think he would accept any responsibility for any child that comes from both of you sleeping together? To be candid with you, whether you like it or not, you are already in a relationship with him because it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants from you as long as you live under his roof. No matter the hardship or confusion generated by your situation, accepting to live with him has compromised whatever moral standards you claim to have. In a way what you are facing should give you a little bit of understanding into the reasons for the choice your mother made back then even though it still doesn’t excuse her reasons for not telling you who your father is. Sincerely, living in your boss’ house isn’t an option at all. Instead appeal to him to help you look for a job elsewhere to take the pressure of you. Also learn to be focused and determined to succeed in life. If it would help, there are countless of women and men who have walked along this part before and are today huge success because they made the choice to rise above their situation in life. Every situation we find ourselves in life is intended to teach us how to be strong and in control of our situation. At 33, you should have overcame this situation had you been determined to. Nobody can do it for you, not even your mother. Whatever the curse maybe, it can be broken once you summon the will to help yourself. Are you saying if your mother had died before this revelation came up, you would have gone to her grave to give you the information about your father. Though it hurts not to know who you fully are, the fact remains that you have a father who is above all fathers, one who cannot change and always ready to help you anytime you ask for His assistance. Begin your journey towards self actualization by going for deliverance. Pray and ask God for direction on how to go about it. you need Him to lead you to a pastor He has equipped to deliver you. Honesty and complete trust in God are what you need to overcome your situation. As you have found out, even parents are capable of failing one so give yourself up completely to God because that is where your help comes from. Help yourself by checking on your own ways too because most times we are our very own enemies. If you haven’t done it already, don’t cheapen yourself by sleeping with this man. It isn’t worth it. Good luck.

My husband sleeps with my cousin, impregnates another woman

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com , gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am currently a very confused woman; everybody is blaming me for this problem but I am like the average woman who has a career. There is no way I can always be at home. I go out to work not because I want to but I have to, to make ends meet. Besides it would be unfair to expect me to sit at home after the resources my parents spent on sending me to school. The least my husband can do is to respect me for that and give me all the support; not to be disgraced the way he is. Recently, I came back from a six weeks course abroad to discover that my husband has been sleeping with my cousin, I brought in to help with the children and another lady who is currently pregnant for him. I discovered that my husband has been sleeping through my four year old son, who told me the night I came back if his auntie was going to sleep in my bedroom with his daddy. At first I didn’t make sense of the question until I asked him to explain. Despite attempts by my cousin to hush him up, he told me that whenever he goes to pee in the night, he always see my cousin and his daddy sleeping together on the bed. The other children confirmed the incident because at various times in the night when they needed something, they have traced my cousin to my room. I was still struggling to come to terms with this information when my husband’s phone beeped. He must have forgotten to take the phone out with him when he left with a family friend to rush his sick mother to the hospital. I honestly didn’t mean to pry but the hurt of finding out about my cousin as well as the urge to find out who the text message was from made me to open his message box. I wish I didn’t because I found out that another woman is carrying his baby. The sender of the mail was asking him for more money to shop for baby items. That night, I didn’t bother to sleep in the house with my children. I checked into an hotel not far from our home and switched off all my phones so that he couldn’t get me or the children. When he left home, I went home to pack few things for my children and I. I have since refused to talk to him or anyone else. I don’t ever want to see him, my cousin or any one in our two families. My office obliged me, with my annual leave, to rest and take care of personal things but, soon my leave will be over. I have the option of asking for a transfer to another state or leaving the country completely. I am yet to make up my mind. I don’t ever want to see him again just as I have made up my mind to end the marriage. But my eldest daughter who is just 11 wants to go with her father. She is giving so much trouble and is in touch with her father. Her siblings say their father has been to their school to see them and that she tells him everything about us. Because of her, I now stay in a nice lodge with no visible address. What do I do since I foresee problem with my eldest daughter. I also gathered that my cousin is still in the house with him. Hurting Wife. Dear Hurting Wife, Don’t behave like a foolish ostrich who hides its head in the sand while the rest of its body is in view of the pursuer. That man in question, inspite of all he has done, is your home and that house your home. You have the final decision of what goes on in that house, who stays and who leaves. Your position in that house is not in dispute. Leaving without an attempt to retrieve your home from these manipulative women in the life of your husband gives the impression that you were only waiting for an excuse to end your marriage. Sad and emotionally traumatic as the situation in your home is, don’t give up so easily. Whatever your decision is at the end of it all, ensure none of these women takes over your man. Your cousin should be thrown out while the one pregnant should not be given any chance to come in as a second wife. Let her have her baby and when the child is old enough, bring the child into the house to frustrate her attempts at using the child as a bait for your husband’s attention. Irrespective of who so ever is pregnant for him, your position as his wife and the mother of his first set of children gives you unrivaled authority to decide what you want now. You simply cannot walk away from your marriage just like that. Even if you make up your mind to leave, what about the children who cannot divorce their father as easily as you can end your relationship with your husband? There is no avoiding discussing this issue whether now or later. Your histories are interwoven into each other by the gifts of those children you both share. Your cousin has remained in that house because you are not there to show her the exit door. Since you appear to have capitulated your home so easily, she has taken over. Whatever it will cost you in pride and pains, go back to your home at least for the sake of the children. Make it your business to confront your man with what you discovered. Give him the opportunity to defend himself. It is immaterial if he is telling you the truth or not; the important thing is for you to know what your mistakes were in the marriage. While time heals the pains, the truth sets one free as well as point one at the right path. You also have to consider the feelings of your children. If your eldest daughter is asking for her father; the others will soon follow her example. They may in their own way decide to make life very unbearable for you. so it is essential that you factor their feelings and interest into your decision. It is only when you deal with all the extraneous issues that you can deal with the matter of his betrayal. He has to explain why he decided your cousin was the best woman to have a relationship with or allow another woman get as far as getting pregnant for him. However, you must also accept your mistakes. Being a career woman isn’t an excuse for any woman to neglect her home or become very careless on the care and welfare of her husband and children. Although you didn’t dwell much on the time you spend with your family, something tells me that in some important ways, you too are not without blame. Your first office and career is to your home and children. No doubt, women can multi-task, but in the matter of home management and playing detailed attention to the needs of her man, a wise woman devotes more time. Let the family wade into it for the simple reason of your cousin’s involvement in an affair with your husband. Only the might of the family can deal with such a determined young lady. Besides, the decision you are about to make now is too important to be left to chance. One day, when you are a bit older and time has mellowed your pains, you will appreciate the wisdom of sorting things out properly. God is your wisdom and strength. You need Him now more than ever before. Good luck

My sister-in-law is an irritant

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the crisis I am having in my marriage as a result of the behavior of my sister-in-law who is making my home a living hell. Unmarried and far older than my husband, she has taken over the running of my home. She came on a visit and has refused to go. It has been four months since she has been staying with us. I have never before met anyone so troublesome and authoritative as this woman. She is so selfish; that she is deaf and blind to the needs or emotions of everyone around her. She tells my maids what to cook, how to arrange my home and dress my children. She practically determines the right time for my husband to retire to bed or the car I use. If I make the attempt to take a particular car, she would come to announce her desire to take the car out that day. To avoid problems, I will give in to her. As a result, she has turned my home into a living hell so much so she determines what my husband and I wear to parties. The thing is, I don’t know how to tell her to leave my home since my husband is incapable of facing up to her. He is the last born and she is the first born. She is 22 years older than my husband. All the other wives in the family fear her and pray against her coming to their homes. The marriage of her third brother almost broke up as a result of her nature. It took the combined efforts of their late mother’s sister and her immediate younger brother to mend that home. Unfortunately, this woman passed on about six months ago. Please help me before she collapses my marriage because I can no longer tolerate her. All my domestic staff take orders from her, rather than me. This is because she counters my every order. I am scared because I have only through the grace of God, managed my temper to this moment. If she stays longer than she has done, I might end up insulting her one of these days. These days, I stay back in the office even when I don’t have anything to do just to avoid her stress. My husband has consistently pleaded with me not to be angry that I should consider her attitude as one of the sacrifices a woman makes for the sake of her husband. I love my husband so much. He is the best man I have seen in my life, the exact opposite of his tyrant sister. When she begins, he simply walks away which, often infuriates her the more. My husband is a perfect gentle man; never gets into argument with anybody. Even when I try to make trouble with him, he simply walks away rather than get into any confrontation with me. We have been married for over a decade. This is the first time she is staying for this long and the first time I have ever had cause to quarrel or have a disagreement with my husband or any member of his family for that matter. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Dealing with this kind of sister-in-law requires wisdom else, you will end up hurting the success of your home. Given the number of years between her and your husband, it will be difficult for him to stand up to her because she is like his mother. Besides, the kind of man you described will never get into any confrontation with his elder sister. I guess he has too much respect for her as a woman and elder sister especially one who must have looked after him from the first moments of his life. Like your husband said, you must be ready to make the necessary sacrifice for the sake of your home. I know the temptation of putting her in her place, reminding her that you are in your husband’s house and as such the mistress of the home is strong but, you must also consider that your husband will be affected if you allow the situation to degenerate beyond this situation. Since your husband is too junior to talk to her, there must be somebody in the family who can make her understand the harm she is doing to her brother’s home. Tell the brother or sister next to her what she is making you go through in your home. Drop the hints that you are contemplating moving out of the house with your children since she has rendered your presence and wishes meaningless. The insinuation that you might be forced to pack out of your matrimonial home with your children if nothing is done by the family to bring her to control, will definitely prompt your husband and his people to find ways of evicting her from your home. While you transfer the burden of making her leave your home to the family, give them a time limit after which you will no longer listen to their pleas or tolerate her presence anymore. Even though deep down you have no intentions of vacating your matrimonial home for her, give your in-laws and husband the impression when presenting your position that you are serious about your decision. It will hasten your husband’s determination to confront her. And whenever you are at home and within audible range of where your sister-in-law is, chat with an imaginary friend about the situation in your home and your desire to quit your home on account of lack of peace and respect in your home. Make it clear to your imaginary friend, that your sister-in-law, and not your husband, is your problem and that you don’t know how to confront the issue because she is old enough to be your mother. End your one-sided conversation with the declaration of your love for her but that she is making it impossible for you to love her anymore since she is causing you so much pains in your once-happy home. There is also the need for you and your husband to talk as friends. This is important so he doesn’t begin to develop the impression that you are really serious about leaving him. If you don’t properly explain your reasons as well as what you hope to achieve by your insistence that unless his family do something about his elder sister, he might begin to doubt your motives. Tell him about the ploy of conversing with an imaginary friend to pass on the message of your unhappiness to his sister. Furthermore, since you know what annoys her, learn to ignore her. In the morning, instead of instructing your domestic staff on what to do, go into your kitchen to prepare a meal for your family. If she comes into the kitchen, greet her with respect after which you ignore her. When you finish with your task, go into your bedroom with your husband’s meal. Ensure the children are fed too with the meal you prepare for them. If on a working day, it means you have to wake up earlier to personally supervise the affairs of your children and husband. At weekends, make arrangements for you, your husband and children to go out. And when at home, exclude her from whatever plans you are making. By the time she has nobody to talk to or harass, she will soon get bored and ask to be taken to her house. She wants attention and knows that by making the place uncomfortable for everybody, people will attend to her just to get rid of her from their hair. She has consistently gotten away with this attitude that she has since stopped her knowing when she is making a huge nuisance of herself. That is why she doesn’t like it if people walk away from her presence. She has grown used to being feared, listened to and having what she wants as a result of her constant harassment of people. This is how she gets her joy; once you are able to demystify her, you will be surprised at the kind of results you will get. She won’t stay a moment longer since there is nobody to be intimidated. She has stayed this long because you made your home too comfortable for her. You gave her too much room to operate. By ignoring her every wish and silently insisting on what you want in your home, she will know without saying anything that you are just as determined be in charge of your home and family. If she has any particular preference for a food, let the maid prepare it for her but feed your family with what you want. Wear your children clothes of your choice and use the car you want. Accord her every respect she deserves but let her know through your actions whose home it is. Also, pray to God for help. Often than not, we run circles around ourselves when it is a simple matter of turning over our challenges to God for the perfect solution. Every tyrant has a match in God. Despite attempts at making her leave your house, continue to be gentle, respectful and loving towards your husband. Good luck.

She is cheating on me

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The problem I am about to share with you started last year when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in Northern part of Nigeria. While there I met a lady I fell in love with. We actually agreed to get married. Sometime last year, she left for Lagos where she actually lives. Almost immediately, I began to hear uncomplimentary stories about her. There were rumours that she keeps the company of a particular man and that they are always seen close to the house. Initially, I doubted the stories thinking they are malicious and intended to break us. But my initial confidence in her began to wane when she began to make some inexplicable visits to places I don’t know. For instance, in December last year, she travelled on the 23rd and didn’t return until January this year. When I asked where she went, she told me she went to visit her mother’s brother in Yola. Another time, she left for a nearby village. She came back with a very glamorous hairstyle decorated with very expensive beads. When I asked how she got the money for such expensive hairstyle, she said she did some jobs while there. In the same January, I saw her with the same man I have been told she is having affair with through the window of my room discussing. She came back when she noticed I have come back home. Since I wasn’t sure of what it was they were discussing or the nature of his visit, I pretended as if I didn’t see anything and went out of the house again. I went to stay in a place that gave me a good view of the house. Almost immediately I left she went back to the house behind my window where I earlier viewed both of them discussing. I waited for five hours before she came out of the house. Five minutes after the man left the place also. When I asked where she has been throughout the time she was out, she told me she went somewhere with her brother. At that point, I had no option but to confront her with what I saw. Almost instantly, her story changed that she actually went into the house I saw her go into but that nothing happened between her and the man. She said she only went in there to discuss with the man and denied having anything sexual to do with the man. Agatha, she has kept denying having an affair with this man and each time she says it, there are tears in her eyes. Do you think she is innocent? Can I still trust her? I don’t want to make mistake, please advise me. Max. Dear Max, You are the one close to her, what do you think? Do you think she actually spent five hours with a man in a closed room just discussing without sleeping with him? What was so important about the nature of their discussion that couldn’t have been discussed in your house with you in attendance or in the open where other people can witness what they are doing? For them to have discussed for five hours underscored the seriousness of the issue at stake, shouldn’t she have first consulted, gotten your consent on the issue before going to see him in a closed room? Who is this man to her? Why did she lie at first that she went out with her brother? What efforts has she made to introduce you to the man? Why is the man constantly around her? Why do people think they are actually having an affair? These are questions begging for answers from her. This is not a matter of you not wanting to make a mistake, but rather of you facing the reality of the messy situation you found yourself. Trust isn’t an abstract thing. It grows from circumstances we daily go through. If this woman claims to be innocent of what the rumours going on about her and this man; as well as what you witnessed, then she has to do a lot more than tears in her eyes to clear up the maze of confusion, suspicions and embarrassments her conduct with this man have created in your life. Deep down, what do you think? If you want to be very honest with yourself, do you think she is telling you the truth or simply playing you for a fool? Yes, a man and woman can have healthy platonic relationship but not one that leaves so many gaps like hers with this man. Why would a woman you are in a relationship with leave the house without telling you where she is going? Go on vacations without you knowing where precisely or come back to announce she went to work? When she was leaving for the visit, did she tell you it would include her working? What sort of job did she do while there and why did she do it? The point is that you are not in charge of the woman you are in a relationship with. You are either afraid to face the truth about the kind of situation you are in or don’t even know what you have gotten yourself into. Even if she isn’t having an affair with this man she has created the suspicions she must work first at clearing before you can even talk of not wanting to make a mistake. It is either you are man enough to ask her pressing questions, what precisely is her occupation as well as her feelings for you. A woman that shows no scruple leaving her home for five hours to ‘discuss’ with another man in a private room shows a total lack of respect for your person. If you were the one dancing around a woman, goes off without her knowing where your destination is, how would she feel? While you have every right to love her and try to make the relationship work, be mindful of the kind of future you have in mind with her. You may think it is a situation you can cope with but it is always a different game when it comes to marriage. Frankly, sit her down for a thorough discussion. Ask her how she feels about the reputation she is acquiring for herself through her kind of lifestyle. Chances are that there are so many things she isn’t telling you about her feelings for you and that what you think you both have going on only exists in the figment of your imagination. Also what do you know about this woman? Are you sure you know enough about her to make you a good wife? Marriage isn’t a simple thing. It is too complex and complicated for you to treat with such levity. Don’t short-change yourself if you have the power to bargain for something more positive for yourself now. Sometimes it takes more than love to make a marriage work. Love needs good character, respect and responsibility to make it work well. You don’t hold on too tightly to something out of fear it will go. If this woman isn’t yours, no matter how much you try to look the other way, she will definitely go. So stop worrying over a situation you cannot control that is firmly in the hands of God the creator who sees the end from the beginning. Good luck.

When he wooed me, I snubbed him, now I want him badly

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Four years ago, this man in my office asked me out, declared his intentions to marry me. Because he wasn’t as good looking as I dreamt my man should be, I declined his offer. But that didn’t stop him from asking me to marry him. Until two years ago, he was still asking me to marry him. The guy I was dating then, after three weeks of leaving me got married to another woman. It was so painful an experience but I kept trusting God that someone else will come into my life. Since then, it has been very difficult attracting a man let alone finding one who is interested enough to make a marriage proposal to me. I am fed up. All my friends are married and have started making babies. At the point I was thinking of making overtures to the guy in the office, I discovered he would be getting married in a month’s time. I have suddenly realised he is a very good man and responsible too. He has the best set of lips and dentition I have ever seen. What more he isn’t really bad just that at the time he first came, I wasn’t interested. Now I am very interested but there is another woman in his life. I want him desperately. Some of my close friends I shared the story with think there is still something I can do about it. One of them said I should go and declare my love for him, while two others said I should seek spiritual help in getting his interest back in me. They argued, a position I shared too, that since I have always been the one he truly loves, he went for her because I turned him down. And that once he finds out that I love him, he will call off his wedding plans to the other woman. Agatha, I need your help. How do I convince this man of my true love for him? Do you know of any good spiritualist I can approach for help? Is there anything you can do for me to get him back? I was 35 in June. Ewa. Dear Ewa, Pride goes before a terrible fall. Your case is the proverbial rejected cornerstone becoming the most sought after. Had your boyfriend not disappointed you, would you have made this kind of dramatic U-turn in your long held opinion of this man? Why do you suddenly want a man you persistently turned down, said he wasn’t good enough for your dreams. Didn’t measure up to the kind of man you admired for a husband? Would you have even considered him if your former boyfriend had remained in your life, or one of the ideal men by your standards, had come to you for your hand in marriage? It is too late for you to want this man. He is getting married to another woman who saw beyond what you failed to recognise in him when he offered to share his life with you. You had your chance to be his wife but you threw it away for flimsy excuses. What has good looks got to do with marriage? Do you marry a man on account of how he looks or because he is responsible and understanding? Why has it suddenly occurred to you that he has the best set of teeth and smile? These qualities have always been there. He didn’t develop that kind of teeth yesterday or the smile for that matter. The notice you have of them now calls to question the sincerity of your interest in him as well as the worth of your feelings for him. This man doesn’t need you in his life because your feelings for him aren’t skin deep. They are superficial and won’t last the bumpy marital road. It takes a special kind of love, devotion, determination and understanding of all the kinds of sacrifices embedded in the precept of marriage to overcome all the natural and man-made challenges that come with being married to a person. If from the first time he came to you, all you saw in him are imperfection, nothing he does will ever be good enough for you. This is why after a while he stopped asking you because he found another woman blessed with the abilities to help him overcome his disabilities and was willing to overshadow him with the best of her qualities. She gave him his unconditional trust to get him to want to keep her for life. To go to him is to expose your deceit and confusion. Nobody can help you because you are yet to come to terms with reality. From your e-mail, you don’t even know who you are or what you want. To identify the right man for you, you must first recognise whom you are. At 35, you are no longer a young lady and romantic teenager or young adult. You are a mature woman who by right should know that life doesn’t always go or give what we want. And that life itself is a process of compromises. If you are unwilling to give up something to get that thing you require for life to move smoothly, disappointment is often the end result. At the time he wanted you, you were too blinded by your self-importance to recognise his inherent qualities. He was and will never be yours. The fact that he made attempts to date you doesn’t make him yours. He is just like every other man that has come to ask you for a date. Why aren’t you talking about the man who got married three weeks after you both broke-up? Surely, that should bother you more than this man you never gave a chance to get close to you. The bottom line is – you are desperate. What your friends are asking you to do is what frantic women do. Are your friends not married? Are they not women? How would they feel if another woman goes to a spiritualist to get their men to like her? How would you feel for that matter if another woman wants to snatch your man? How did you feel when you heard your ex was getting married after only three weeks of you leaving each other? This man and woman didn’t offend you in any way. The man’s only crime was declaring his interest in you, which you rejected. So how is it the fault of that man or the woman he is going to marry some few weeks away? Why do you want to go to a spiritualist to destroy this couple when you should be seeking help for your inability to attract the attention of another man? Or is it the fault of this man or the woman he is about to marry that no man is interested in you again? Don’t do something you will end up regretting for the rest of your life because even if you succeed in stopping their marriage, nothing says he will come to you. Besides, nobody can upturn what God has ordained. If this couple has the blessing of heaven, you will be fighting a lost battle. If care isn’t taken, you will end up adding to your problems. Therefore don’t listen to your friends or capitulate to that destructive voice in you. Rather go on your knees to ask God for mercy and forgiveness. Chances are that God is punishing you for your arrogant disposition to this man when he came to ask for your hand in marriage. These friends should have told you to pray and even offer to pray along with you to ask for mercy. If they had asked you to seek a spiritualist to know why you are no longer attractive to men, it would have been understandable. Their offer and manner of assistance to you clearly spells out the kinds of friends you all are to yourselves because I am sure as your friends, you must have told them about this man’s interest in you and persistence then. Why didn’t they try to match-make you with the single men around, friends or relatives of their husbands who are single? The fact that none of them could talk sense into you, encouraged you not to throw away perhaps the only man heavens ordained for you as a husband, should tell you, if you are wise, to run away from them. Forget about this man. He isn’t yours. The best you can do is to wish him and his wife the very best in life and marriage. Free yourself from any form of needless bitterness. Help comes from only God. If you are in right standing with Him, there is nothing impossible in His dictionary. You will discover 35 would be like 16 when He is set to do something great in your life. Make peace with Him and forget whatever solutions your friends have suggested. Good luck.

She isn’t fair enough…

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am an ardent reader of your columns. There is a saying that says it is better to do what’s right than to insist on being right. I am 30-year-old, the eldest of my siblings. My immediate younger brother is married and already has a child. My people are pressurising me to marry irrespective of the fact that I am still in school. I’m demure and resilient. I used to have a girl friend always pestering me for money. Now, I have met another girl through her mother. It happened at a place I frequent to meet my friends. Because it is a place I must go to meet my friends, the lady’s mother is pressurising me to befriend her but I have refused. She’s into foodstuff business and always pestering me to buy on credit, though sometimes I oblige her. I can’t avoid her because she’s at the exit of the house. She always says she loves me because I am quiet. She’s from my hometown but married from another town. To get out of her pressure, I told her I prefer one of her daughters. Since the younger sister is the only one I have met besides the fact that the second daughter is always sharper than the first sister. So, I settled for the second. Agatha, I want to know if I should go ahead with this relationship. She’s through with her secondary education. But the snag is that I like women who are very fair like me. She isn’t as fair as the ladies I have previous dated. Please help me. Bernete. Dear Bernete, The question is: what do you want from this relationship? Whether she is fair or not isn’t as important as the person who resides inside of her. Many a time, in the process of making a choice of who we want to spend the rest of our lives with we market issues that are not as important as those that we would contend with in the union. If just being fair is the only criterion for you, how come those other fair ladies you dated are no longer around you? With the amount of pressure coming from your family, ensure the woman you are going to date now is the kind of woman you can live with for the rest of your life. At this stage of your life, anything can happen that would warrant your family and hers insisting you marry the woman. To avoid a situation where you would end up regretting your decision or blaming people around you for forcing you into a situation you don’t want, pause to think of what you understand by relationship in the first place. Is it for you just a physical thing one premised on outward qualities or the more lasting ones of who the person really is? In addition, this relationship you are about going into calls for tremendous caution. If the conduct of the mother is anything to go by, there is the need for you to be of extreme care. To avoid you ending up with a wife, who like her mother would throw morals to the winds to run after younger men, take time out to study this lady before making any commitment to her. You must devote appreciable time to uncover the mask behind her personality. Issues like her moral values, her temper, attitude towards life as well as her place in your own plans in life are most important than the colour of her skin. There is also the need for you to ask yourself what kind of woman you really want beside you, putting into consideration your dreams in life. Your woman must have the drive and belief in your dreams to help you get to where you hope to be in future. Without the right kind of woman by your side, achieving your dreams would either be a struggle to achieve or die completely as other factors she would throw up at home could frustrate you sufficiently to make you give up on your own plans. For instance, if your dream can only accommodate two children and you end up with a woman whose dream in life is to have as many as 10 children, the difference of eight children is enough to sink your dream forever. So ensure you first offer her friendship, it is the only platform to discover if you and her can make it beyond the point you both are now. In addition, you must also factor in the attitude of her mother? Beyond trusting the daughter, do you think you can trust the motive of her mother? Can you trust her to behave like a mother-in-law should when the daughter isn’t around? A woman who has cravings for a particular man doesn’t just give up. Honestly, this to me is the major worry in all these! Can you contain the unbridle desire of a morally bankrupt mother? Please talk to God to avoid you going into a relationship that could cripple you spiritually. Good luck.

My husband has low self-esteem

WithAgatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband and I married three years ago after five years of courtship. We are both in our 30s. My husband is a very sweet man though very anxious and with low self-esteem. His relationship with his mother is a volatile one – she nags him a lot and is quite critical of him. A priest friend of ours described her as oppressive and my husband, often curses and swears at her in their conversations and when being nice, talks to her in a baby voice. I get on well with her although I’m often in the middle of their arguments. His father is emotionally absent as he keeps his head buried in newspapers all the time. One of the problems in my marriage is that my husband refuses to spend time with my own parents and indeed some of my workmates. My workmates and family all want to spend time with him. Prior to marrying him, I was extremely close to my family. Now we are not. He gives different excuses to avoid spending time with them and I am constantly putting my family and friends off. I sense he is scared of them getting the wrong impression about him and I also think for some unknown reasons he might dislike them. He constantly competes with me and if I, quite innocently, bring up some subject about an achievement I attained during a conversation, he will put on a stupid mocking voice and say, “oh how wonderful you are!” Often I am mindful of what I say when conversing with him as he can be very touchy and sensitive. The few times he visited my parents, he took alcohol or drugs to calm his anxiety. Since I don’t like him resorting to the use of these drugs, I have had to give in to what he wants – that is, not spending time with my parents. As a result, my entire family and colleagues feel I have something against them as I have distanced myself from them all; giving my attention to my husband. I haven’t told them why I have distanced myself from them as I do not want to betray my husband in any way. I recognise that he may be mentally ill but, he does not think so as he has always been this way. He realises how it upsets me and my family but, he doesn’t seem to give that much thought. I pray a lot too. Any advice? Struggling Wife Dear Struggling Wife, If you courted for five years, you must have known or noticed this aspect of his person. This isn’t something he could have hidden from you for too long. You married him knowing you could cope with his emotional disabilities. To want to change him now is to further set him off on a path that will completely destroy him forever. It is either you learn to cope as you coped during your courtship years or simply pretend that aspect of him doesn’t exist at all. Two things would happen when you try too much to change him from the person who he currently is to what you want him to be; first you will simply be replacing his mother with yourself in his life and second, you will make him hate you like he obviously hates his mother. It isn’t easy growing up with a domineering mother; one who thinks and treats you like a baby. His mother didn’t only destroy him but turned his father into a hen-pecked husband which is why the father finds safety behind the pages of newspapers. Your husband has, throughout his life, watched and experienced intimidation; what he needs now isn’t another woman who will destroy him as his mother destroyed his father but one who will love and help him out of his predicament. For now, if he doesn’t want to visit your family, allow him be. All his life, he has faced criticism from his mother; no matter how much he tries to please her. Now he isn’t sure of who he is or sure of how to properly conduct himself without risking condemnation from his audience. In plain English, your husband lacks confidence in his choices as a man. His pains are deep and real. He cannot even recognise help and true friendship when he sees one. But, that he managed to fall in love and marry you shows that he isn’t completely lost. He may have married you too because something in your attitude reminds him of his mother. For your sake as well as his, be resolute not to allow that side of you overshadow the soft side of you so your husband too doesn’t take after his father by escaping behind the newspapers. But again, you must also be watchful he doesn’t try to repress you like his mother. The challenge in marrying this kind of man is to be wise and prayerful. Trust me, from experience, it isn’t a bed of roses being married to a man who has been psychologically damaged by his mother. The wife has to be alert that she doesn’t end up being like her mother-in-law or being the victim of her husband’s desire to act like a man for the first time in his life. For this reason, you must have the strength to strike a balance between being supportive and being independent. This is because he is currently mixed up. For the first time in his life, he is free from his mother and her constant naggings, he has a home of his own but deep inside, he is still very afraid of his mother. This fear is why you shouldn’t force him to do anything against his will; rather, find a way of making your family understand why you have kept your distance from them. Your immediate family has to understand why he appears uncomfortable with them; you need their help to make him develop the confidence in himself. He needs understanding to come out of the bondage of his environment. Let them come for a visit instead. Having confided in them, your parents’ show of love will go a long way in helping him see another side of parenting. Through the help of your parents, he will be taught how to love and be loved. The challenge here is to get him to know what love is. A man that swears and curses his mother is obviously lacking in love and respect for everything his mother represents. There is no way that man can ever respect his wife because mothers are the gateway to life. He has never known what true love is all about. You have to teach him what love gives and demands. His cynicism of your achievements is a direct flow from his mother. His mother has never shown appreciation for him or his achievements. He doesn’t have it in him so he cannot give what he doesn’t have. Begin by showering him with compliments and pleasure in all things. Rather than nag his attitude, compliment him; his looks and sense of dressing. Even when you are not too pleased, first compliment him before lovingly pointing out his mistake. Don’t forget he has never been treated with respect or love. He needs you and your family to show him a different kind of life from where he is coming from. It is the only time you can also get him to treat you with respect, be sensitive to your needs and trust you with his everything. He cannot be but selfish because that is the way he has seen his mother behave all his life. Pray for him always and continue to urge him to see a psychiatrist. Good luck.

How do I know I’m courting the right person?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, First, I acknowledge the maturity you always demonstrate in handling people’s problems. May God give you more grace. I am a born-again child of God and want every thing about me to be done right. I am 27 years old and will be graduating in December this year. I want to find out whether what is happening to me is normal. I don’t have any plan for marriage and don’t have any girl friend. I am waiting upon the Lord for the right time and right person. All of a sudden, there is this loneliness within me and my joy no longer complete. These days, I feel I need a life partner. Is this feeling a sign that the time has come for me to look for a partner? If it is time, how can I be convinced if I find the right person? What is the courtship like? I need your help. Aondohemba. Dear Aondohemba, What is happening to you is perfectly normal. Right from the beginning of creation God created us a pair. You are only following a path laid down by the Creator. So don’t fret. You are old enough and at the age when this strong thirst for a companionship of the opposite sex is at its strongest. No matter our religious affiliations, a time comes in a person’s life when love is required to peep it up. It is primordial. We have been wired from our manufacturer’s table to be part of someone’s life. Once we get to that age, nothing we do or say will prevent us from longing for it. Unless of course, those sworn to celibacy and have made up their minds to remain single for the rest of their lives, the rest of humanity once the set time comes, the alarm bell goes off. For most people, the human biological heat alarm is set to trigger once we begin the journey into our teenage-hood. Your alarm bell is ringing loudest; because at 27 you should by now be considering who would share your life, have your children. Because this journey requires a lot of thoughts and reconsiderations in the process of arriving at the final decision, you must first have a very clear idea of where you are going. This way, it cuts down by half the confusion of finding and knowing the right girl for the position of a helpmate in your life. As one, born again, I am sure, the church must have told you some of the things to look out for in a woman: her behaviour, attitude and disposition towards things in life. Granted these are things you cannot determine at first sight, but having a picture of the kind of woman will help you recognise that something extra in a woman you are meeting for the first time. The eyes are said to be the gateway to the soul. There is usually an aura that follows every one of us about. In repose, the face can tell a lot about one’s attitude; no matter how good an actor one is, a person’s nature can be judged almost correctly in the first few early minutes of a conversation. The rest is usually an act put up by a conniving mind to deceive the other party into a hurried decision. So one thing is to pay detailed attention to the attitude and truth in the eyes as well as facial expression of the woman you are interested in those few first minutes of your conversation with her. The second thing is to offer her friendship. Avoid the mistake of telling a woman you love her at first sight. It is always advisable to offer the platform of friendship. Amity offers an intending couple the opportunity to observe each other at close quarters. It exposes the pair a chance to expose each other to peculiar weaknesses, strength, and temperament, state of mind, way of thinking and all the other tidbits in the other person’s character. The exclusion of sex makes it easier for a dating couple to be very honest about their limits. Also, it makes forgiveness easy to give and obtain just as it enables trust and understanding effortlessly in the relationship. It also makes it possible for a man and woman to look beyond the physical look into the heart of the person. In addition, you must be determined and clear minded about demands being made on the other person. What you cannot tolerate, don’t expect your woman to. There is no stopping the inevitable. Go before God to ask for help in finding the right woman. As long as you have the understanding that nobody is perfect, mistakes are part of human nature. It won’t be so difficult to integrate with another human being. Courtship is a time for a man and woman to set sentiments aside for practical solutions as well as approach to issues. When it comes to the matter of decision on a life partner, be true to yourself; this way, you save yourself a lifetime of pains and horror. The challenge, the marriage institution is facing comes from the refusal of young men and women to look at things from the practical point of view. Most couples marry on the strength of the spur of the moment without giving adequate thoughts as well as considerations to the wear and tear of two strangers living together. Thirsty as you are to connect with a woman; be careful you don’t end up making the mistake a young butterfly makes in front of a lizard. This is a journey that will end only when death occurs; so a lot of care must be given to your search to find the right woman. Trust God and be truthful to yourself from the beginning. Good luck.

Can’t I make my inter-tribal relationship work?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a huge fan of yours. You are actually my role model and I pray that God will continue to bless you. My problem started a few weeks ago. I am in an inter-tribal relationship. I’m a Yoruba girl while my boyfriend is Ibo. Our relationship is a few months old and so far we haven’t had any problems apart from the time he thought I was cheating on him because of a message he saw on my phone. Agatha, I don’t mind our tribal differences and he also claims not to mind but a few weeks ago, I was browsing and came across an article which gave reasons why inter-tribal relationships never work out, especially between the Ibo and Yoruba. I browsed further and discovered some even more disturbing articles. Some claim that his parents, especially his mother would never accept me; another said the Ibo guys only date Yoruba girls for their wealth. I’m very sure my boyfriend loves me for who I am but lately, I can’t stop thinking about the articles and that our relationship might not work out. I love him very much but I don’t want a situation in the future that we will break up after years of dating because his family doesn’t accept me. Agatha, I really need your opinion on this matter because I am very confused. AtDawn. Dear AtDawn, Only the determination of a couple offers a relationship its security. Even if you and your boyfriend come from the same clan, the moment you both allow your families too much freedom to meddle in your union, it becomes doom. No doubt in some families, tribe plays an important role in determining what becomes of their children’s happiness but once a couple at the centre of it all holds on to their dreams of being together, trust in each other’s love as well as strength, the relationship does survive the onslaught. What you read are the experiences of other people. Some of the time, the writers use their encounters as the barometer in arriving at their conclusions. A marriage not meant to be will not work no matter the tribe or nationality. Every marriage is a school of different encounters, challenges and situations. No two marriages are alike simply because no two human beings can ever be alike, not even that of twins married to another set of twins. Just as there are bad inter-tribal marriages, there are equally inter-tribal marriages that are perfect examples of what an ideal marriage should be. What you need now is not the doubts reading such articles have generated in your mind but looking at ways you can avoid making such mistakes in your own relationship. One of the reasons most inter-tribal marriages break down has to do with cultural and language differences. What you should do now is to make attempts at learning your boyfriend’s language as well as the important cultural observations of his people. No matter how difficult his people are, the fact that you even made attempts to speak their language and learn their customs, including the kinds of food the mother and father like the most, will make them pause in their assessment of you to study you. Often than not, the fear of not knowing how to relate to a woman from another tribe, prompts hostility from the man’s family. But once you are able to break the ice by speaking some words in their language lessens the fear of you turning their son into a complete stranger as well as converting your children into your side of the country. A woman who marries outside her tribe must be ready to tolerant and sensitive to the ways of her new family. People are naturally suspicious of change therefore if the woman makes the extra effort to present her new family a kind of menu that is familiar, she sets herself up to win the battle. If you are serious about this man, pressure him to teach you his language, customs, the fashion sense of his people as well as the kinds of food they eat. Every tribe is determined to preserve some of its cultural values so be determined to succeed in your own choice. Good luck.

Despite his lackadaisical attitude he wants me to stay

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 27 years of age. The man who proposed marriage to me doesn’t have time due to his workload. I have taken him to my house to meet with my family but I neither know where he lives nor has he taken me to see his parents. Recently, I told him I have found someone else; to my surprise he warned me not to even contemplate dating another man since he still cares for me and wants to marry me. I have scared him into believing that I would be getting married by December but he says I shouldn’t. What should I do? Chinonye. Dear Chinonye, The question is, do you have a suitor lined up to marry you in December? What if he calls you bluff and tells you to go ahead with your new suitor because he isn’t ready to marry by this December? What are you going to do or tell him next? Rather than lie to him about an imaginary suitor, why not ask him outright questions concerning his attitude towards you and your relationship with him? The danger of trying to blackmail him into doing what you want is that he can easily turn round to use it as an excuse to exit your life. Have you considered what he would think of you if no wedding takes place by December as you have led him to think? The infinitesimal step to a successful relationship begins with a tiny seed of trust. He must have a reason for proposing marriage to you. Since you are in doubt about his motive, let him know why you don’t trust him or the sincerity of his proposal. Besides, you have to be careful in your bid to be married. No good thing comes easy so why the rush and obvious desperation on your part? It isn’t healthy for your peace of mind as well as reputation when this man discovers you have been less than truthful to him. Allow this relationship grow naturally. Marriage is more than having a partner and proposal; it is devoting time to the study of the character, nature and attitude of the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. It is also important you know the kind of temperament he has. Rather than make marriage the reason you want him in your life, why not let him know that you desire some private moments with him to enable both of you expose your characters to each other which will help you both arrive at a clear picture of what to expect later in marriage? Going to see his family isn’t as important as you both being sure of your feelings for each other as well as knowing the abilities and disabilities you would be interested in from the other person. At least you know that he is career focused, and may not have the kind of time you would have loved to share with him. Beyond introducing you to his family and knowing where he stays, in all sincerity, can you cope with the situation? Be honest with yourself because it is most likely that he won’t change jobs just to please you. This is more important than the issue of knowing his family since this is what you would be living with until he changes the kind of job he does. His family isn’t who you are going to live with; his family members may really like you but if you are not at peace with him, cannot endure the time you spend apart or certain things about him, it would be difficult to find the kind of happiness that makes marriage enjoyable. Besides, there is nowhere in your mail you mentioned love or even that you like him. All you appear interested in is marrying him. It doesn’t work that way. There can never be a happy union without the mention of love. The lack of love is why you appear anxious and skeptical of his motive. Relationship is more than wanting a partner in your life, it is also about growing and nurturing your feelings to the point of living in each other’s mind and body. What you have now and appear to be pursuing is a blank canvass. Not even an ink stroke to announce a kind of activity on the canvass of your relationship. These are the concerns you should tell him instead of pressuring him to come for your introduction. If you are asked to summarise the character of the man you want to marry or tell his likes and dislikes, what can you say about him? What if after you both marry, you discover he has some attitudes you cannot cope with; it won’t be easy for you to walk away as it is now that you have no legal and religious encumbrances to contend with. My advice to you is to learn to take each day as it comes in this relationship. If God wants both of you to grow in love and friendship, no matter what is happening to him now, he will find time for both of you to sort things out to favour you. There is always a certain kind of peace that accompanies the wait of something God has designed for one. If you look deep into your heart, without pressuring him, you will know if he is yours or not. Good luck.

Where do I start after her exit?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Now that I need my woman the most, she decided to leave me. Where am I going to begin, the church, cinema or nightclub? Where am I going to start? Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, Start by asking yourself what went wrong between you and your ex. For a woman to just decide she is abandoning a relationship means things were not working well. What kind of boyfriend were you to your ex? What were the things she constantly complained about before she decided to leave you? Deep down will you say you were a dependable, loving and available man to her? The solutions to some of our challenges in life are often in our past. There is no place you cannot run into a woman but you have to be certain of what you want from life. If you are not, chances of you ending up with the wrong woman is very high. Life is a phase. After this disappointment, be determined to take things more serious in life. Be sure first of what you want and where you are going; this way the choice of the kind of woman you need in your life would be easier to define. Once you know, you will know exactly what you are looking for in your woman and where to find her. At least it will help you come to a realisation that going to the nightclub to look for a wife may not be the right idea. Good luck.

Lonely Heart

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met a very unique young woman through the mail I last sent you in 2010. I must say she was the very woman I wanted but was not serious in cementing our relationship and now she is married. My heart has been bleeding since. She was my first real love. I just got a good job and still my heart is empty. There are so many beautiful women in Lagos but I am not that type of man who walks up to a woman to begin gibbering complete rubbish to her simply because I am sexually attracted to her. I do not have friends and don’t make friends that easily. I am a very responsible person who likes studying people before I take the relationship to the next level. Maybe that is why I lost my last girlfriend. I do not like woman who are insecure, I like confident and mature thinking women. I love an adventurous woman, but not the kind who is adventurous to a fault. I love a woman who is business minded and thinks like an entrepreneur. I am a budding entrepreneur and would like to spend the rest of my life with a woman who is. I love plus size or buxom, big, bold and beautiful women. I do not mind the tribe she comes from, although I am Igbo and would prefer she comes from other tribes than mine because I would like to contest for the office of the Nigerian President one day and unite Nigeria as a country but, I don’t mind if an Igbo hooks me up. I hope I could get connected again to a serious minded woman through your unique platform. My number is, 08122351449 and I want to get hooked to ladies living in Lagos. I don’t like long distant relationships please.

My wife is grossly lacking in parlour etiquette

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need urgent help. I am a 40-year-old man who has been married for over 10 years. But I have never enjoyed a minute peace in my marriage, as my wife is a tyrant. She beats me at will; dehumanizes me in the presence of our children. I know it sounds strange but it is the truth. My wife is a monster. She denies me sex and only agrees to it when she wants. Until I practically hand over my salary to her, she won’t give me any form of rest in the house. She knows how much I earn because she went to the office to lodge complaints against me; that I don’t give her money at home. Because of her nature, all my friends and family members have deserted me. None of them understands my reason for keeping her as my wife; in all honestly I don’t understand it myself when in the presence of visitors, she would call me names or water like she did when my mother came to help with our last child. The funny thing is that she is very sweet to her own family members and the few friends she has. Like me the children keep away from her for fear of her mood. The reason I am writing you has to do with her recent behaviour when our landlord came to ask for his rents. I was actually asleep when the man came; rather than come into the room to wake me she started raining curses on me and at the same time the landlord. By the time I came out of the room with my rent, my landlord was very angry. He refused to collect the money from me; insisting I must vacate his premises that he can no longer endure the attitude and rudeness of my wife. This will be the sixth place we have lived since we got married. I am really fed up with the whole thing called marriage. Everyday, she pushes me to the edge of my endurance. I grew up with very peace loving parents; never once did I witness my parents quarreling. Knowing that no two human beings can be together without having their moments of disagreement, they kept their disagreement inside their bedroom. It is so bad that my eldest daughter talks to me without respect or fear just like her mother. I am fed up; please help me, Agatha. I am a senior officer in my place of work with people working under me. They all respect me. Helpless Man, Dear Helpless Man, Going through the content of your mail got me very confused and my first reaction was to ignore your letter and invite you instead for a private discussion. But since you refused to come to our office because of what you tagged shame, I have decided through the help of God to reply you. Marriage is a partnership, not a prison. Its wheel must constantly be greased with respect for it to function well. It is also governed by its sets of principles and rules; once there is dislodgement in any of these rules, the foundation of the marriage becomes threatened and if nothing is done immediately to rectify it, it risks complete collapse. In a situation where there is total breakdown of law and order between the two of you, for the sake of the children, you especially, have to reconsider the condition of your being together as man and wife. The reason couples patch things up in a bad marriage is because of the children, but there are certain instances when the children have to be protected from the negative influences of their parents’ examples. The longer your children are exposed to this situation between you and your wife, the greater danger of your children modeling their marriages after yours because it is the only example they have. To prevent their future partners being subjected to you and your wife kind of examples, it is appropriate you sit to think of a way out of this mess your marriage has become. You and your wife made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together so in that aspect, you can decide to endure whatever kind of discomfort, insults and disrespect from your wife because you made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together but the children had no choice in the matter of the family they are born into. You invited the children into your lives hence you must take responsibilities for how they turn out in future. Your situation is an example of how the negative behaviour of parents impact negatively on the children. Your wife’s unruly and cantankerous behaviour didn’t start today or were born with her. She must have learnt to beat you from the example of someone close to her. Your daughter is fast copying the same attributes from her. If nothing is turn to help her see the good side of marriage, point her at how a normal relationship between a man and woman should be, she will end up being another man’s nightmare. That your parents didn’t quarrel in the open doesn’t mean they never did. Their example shows good management and effective leadership on the part of your father. If your father didn’t command the respect of your mother, she won’t be support him to succeed as the head of the family. The lesson here is that your father was man enough to have provided your mother the kind leadership that kept her in her place as the woman. It is either you make up your mind to be a man in your home or end the marriage and spare your children the horror of seeing their father being beaten by their mother at any little excuse. There is a huge difference between being quiet and being timid. No matter what your excuse is, you are weak as a man; which is why your wife has escaped for too long with her behavior. Had you from the very first time she raised her hand against you to put her in her place, she wouldn’t have dared it a second time let alone allow it to become the norm in her relationship with you. If your decision is to stay with her, you have to help yourself stop this abuse of your person and ego. One way to do it is to find the guts to be a man in your home. The fact that you have people working under you, are in a position of authority at your place of work shows that your problem with leadership is at the home front. So why is it so difficult for you to exercise your leadership potentials in your home? this is the time to tell yourself some plain truth. What kind of courtship did you two have and what kinds of indulgences did you allow in the name of love during that time? What kind of woman was she, way back then? Did you have any inkling that she would become a man beater along the road? What kind of marriage do her parents have or had? What kind of woman is your mother-in-law and man, your father-in-law is or was? Difficult situations require tough solutions. It is either your love for your wife reduced you into a weakling for a husband or there is a power you are not aware of at work in your life. Whatever the case maybe, you just have to resist it and fight back for your respect as a man in your home and dependable father to your children. First is the awareness that something is wrong with your marriage and life which is good; it give emphasis to your silent rejection of the current status quo in your home as well as a determination to change things. The first signal is to call your wife and express your displeasure at her attitude to you in private and public places. Let her know you are no longer ready to put up with her attitude and that if she persists; you have the option of ending the marriage and going away with your children. The fact that you can make the declaration will put some measure of fear into her. The next time she puts up her hand to hit you, grab her hand and pretend as if you are going hit her back. Although the temptation of giving her back the same measure you got from her, don’t give it because once you start hitting her, the memory of how she has treated you all these years will keep urging you to carry on. At the end of the day, you will only have succeeded in replacing one kind of violence with another kind, leaving your children still without a good example to emulate in their own lives and homes in the future. Studies have shown that bullies are scared of challenge. She may want to fight back but let your eyes and the set of your face tell her how serious you are. Do it in the presence of your children for the simple reason that they witnessed your humiliation by their mother and have developed an attitude towards you. Seeing you talk and treat their mother like that will automatically beat them into line. You are helpless because you allow yourself to be. Children are the best politicians on earth. They are good at shifting to where the power base is. Think of positive ways of putting your wife in her place without raising your voice or hand against her. Even if spiritual, once you have the awareness and determination to break it; whatever was used in putting you into bondage becomes neutralized. All you have to do is to back it up with prayers at all times. As for your landlord, go and beg him personally but if he insists you vacate his property, plead for time but ensure your wife never puts you in a position to beg your next landlord. Good luck.

Yet my AS son wants his AS girl for keep…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate the good work you are doing, more power to your elbow. I write this letter to seek your advice on what to do as I am presently in a state of confusion. My son brought home a lady whom he introduced to me as his fiancée, I took to her easily, but upon careful and calculated questioning, I discovered that the lady is AS. The same genotype as my son, this is where the dilemma sets in. I have advised them both on the fact that though they may love themselves, they cannot get married as the chances of bearing a SS genotype baby is evident and the pain and suffering they would be subjecting the innocent child to, I think, is going to be enormous. My son refused and has even picked up a quarrel with me on ‘not wanting his happiness’. He even tried to convince me that all I needed to do was to pray for them as a pastor has prayed for them and told them to ‘have faith’ and they would have S- free children. I am deeply affected because I know whatit means to see a loved one suffer from Sickle Cell and eventually die. I do not know what to do anymore as all my advice and appeal have fallen on his deaf ears. I am a Christian and I know the Bible says we should not tempt God. I feel this is what my son is doing. No one should make such mistakes in this age and time, and to think they are both educated makes it more appalling. I really don’t know what to do again. Please advise me on what to do. Concerned Mother. Dear Concerned Mother, Frankly, at this stage, the chances of your son listening to the voice of reason are very slim. When people think they are in love, it is always very difficult for them to accept the voice of reason, no matter how well meaning the voice is. Besides, he is very suspicious of your reason for wanting him to drop the woman he appears to love the most in his life. He probably thinks you are hiding under the guise of this medical problem to force him into abandoning this lady. Your motive is suspicious to him because it concerns his love for another woman. Suddenly you are no more his mother, but a jealous mother-in-law-to be to the woman he wants to marry. For this reason, you have to be very careful how hard you push him to avoid losing him altogether. From experience, I have learnt to pray for assistance from God in matters like this. For reasons best known to the young, when issues like this come up, the advice of their parents is the least they are likely to accept. Being his mother, he suspects you of ulterior motive, of not liking his choice and of you wanting to control him by forcing him to do your bidding. Bear in mind that he doesn’t have the experiences you have, don’t know what it is like to suffer helplessly at the sight of one’s child dying a slow death or constantly living in fear that the child may die one day. No, he and his girlfriend don’t know what it is like to feel guilty at bringing into the world a child that shouldn’t have been born in the first place. They don’t know that such pressures brought from guilt of bringing an SS child into the world could kill the love they have now. The issue of their genotype isn’t the problem as far as they are concerned; you and your so-called experiences are! To them the pastor has said it is okay and as far as they are concerned that is enough for them. They cannot imagine it now because they are so young and filled with rose-coloured ideas of what tomorrow holds. The solution is to change your attitude. Befriend his woman. Let her know that much as you love her as a daughter, reality demands that they know what they are about to do to their love. It might require you take her to see a doctor or visit a family that has a Sickle Cell child or crisis child in the hospital. Nothing has the power to communicate reality like being faced with a real situation of a crisis. By the time she gets close to a family with a Sickle Cell child, see the pains and hopelessness when the child is in crisis, experience first hand the pains the child goes through as well as the constant medical requirements something in her would begin to think the other way. Without them facing the reality of what they are about to enter into as well as the cost of the choice they have to make, they will never listen to you and continue to see you as their enemy. She must be made to understand through these real life experiences that there are some situations that love isn’t just enough to get a marriage going. By the time she realises that your concern is more for their happiness and not because you hate her she would be the one telling your son to reconsider their plans to marry. As a woman, she is most likely to see reasons with you because she would invariably be the one to suffer more of the emotional pains. Don’t stop praying for them. They need your prayers more than they realise.

My husband refuses to give me money

Dear Agatha, My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money and he is always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money. The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work and that since I don’t spend my money on the children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family. Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000.00 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment. I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000.00 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so. A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more money treating his mother. When I pointed his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will do it because he is her only child. I can go citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law. The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house. I feel I am more entitled than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me. Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members. Chy. Dear Chy, Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than in his person. And by the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything; his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death. Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise this, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage. If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you, through their stories, every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands. Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home. Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons? Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would. Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes. It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities. Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage. Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you. You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do? Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring. Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret and complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real. Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong. If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues. There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes. Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man. Good luck.

My in-laws are the pains of my marriage

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please how do I handle my in-laws? Why are in-laws always problematic? My in-laws don’t have human feelings for me. They were not there when I needed them most in my marriage. Rather than provide my husband and I with their shoulders to lean on, they instead are fond of pointing out our errors. I think they don’t like my husband and have extended their dislike for him to me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, In-laws are every married woman’s nightmare. They are generally blamed for real or imaginary problems in a marriage. Even when they keep their distance, they are still viewed with suspicion by the wife who reads a meaning to their every move. Before we can talk of handling your in-laws, it is of essence we talk about you first. More often than not, many young women come into their matrimonial families with prejudices against their in-laws; making it impossible for them to recognise or appreciate the positive qualities in their new families. As a result perfectly innocent mistakes on the part of in-laws are magnified out of proportion by combat ready wives. Unfortunately, the husbands are the ones who suffer the most as they strive to strike a balance between their wives and families. The consequences of this, is that the man at the centre of it all, is seen by both parties as a betrayer. While the family fights to retain his interest and obligations to them; his wife on the other hand pushes the button of intimacy to secure her points. Lots of men in their desire to maintain neutrality in a fight they don’t understand or appreciate, end up fighting all parties, earning for themselves the label of the main enemy. This perhaps may be the point your husband has gotten to. He doesn’t want to take sides with either you or his family. For this reason, his family thinks he is siding with you against them and as such decides to be hostile to him. The hostility of your in-laws towards your husband may come from this. They think your husband’s refusal to side openly with them; declare a definite stand on some vexing issues may be your influence over him. Because you will one day also be in their shoes, learn to tread carefully by applying a lot of wisdom. The first thing you must learn and accept is that you are a stranger in their family hence must create the room for a period of learning. There is no way you will ever be completely part of them. You have to make the allowances that sometimes, the family may just want to have a private discussion with their son just like you too may want some private time with your siblings outside him. It is natural for families to crave for private zones once in a while. When such demands come, a wise woman learns to step aside. To try to force yourself into such meetings is to create unnecessary tension for your husband as well as friction in the family. Frankly, this is where some of the issues between wives and in-laws originate from – the inability of wives to discern when they should cling to their husbands and when to release them to their families. As human beings, appreciate we are all prone to mistakes and not every blunder is deliberate as wives often think of their in-laws. To handle your in-laws better, devote time to study them. It might appear to be time wasting considering that some will never like you but, since you plan to stay with them for the rest of your life, get close to them. Pretend not to notice their attitude towards you; it is the best way to learn in life. At times, play the fool, as long as it affords you the chance to get close to them; take no notice of the kinds of insults or discomfort their attitude is subjecting you to. Don’t forget you are daughter-in-law to another woman and that one day, you too will be a mother-in-law and at the receiving end of another woman’s suspicions. The essence of getting close to them is to befriend one or two persons; it helps to have a friend in the enemy’s camp. These are the people that will constantly act as your ears, eyes and mouth when issues concerning you come up within the family circle. They will be the ones to inform you about the likes and dislikes of your most critical member of the family as well as the person’s weak points. One thing you should never do is attempt to fight or quarrel with any of them; when the situation becomes too unbearable for you to tolerate, simply walk away. Always have at the back of your mind that what you are facing in your home is what another woman married into your family is also experiencing with your family. Therefore, try not to conduct yourself the way you would not want your brother’s wife to behave towards you or your future daughter-in-law for that matter. Life is a process of give and take; a little bit of patience and wisdom would buy us everlasting happiness and comfort. To help yourself better, be humble. Don’t forget you are the stranger in their mist. Your husband and his family come a long way, have a relationship and knowledge of each other that predates yours with him. They have established a format, which you must never attempt to break into. With time, you will be a part of that formation but it requires a lot of patience to get to that level. If you know how to play the right kind of politics, you will one day become the rally point – a mother to all of them. The attitude of in-laws is a natural human reaction to someone new; learn from the behaviour of little children; first they view a new member with suspicion before either making up their mind on how to walk with the new member. A wife is a stranger to her in-laws; first her motive for marrying into the family has to be established before she can be fully integrated. Most often the desire to protect their son from the hands of a scheming woman triggers the animosity between in-laws and their daughters-in-law. The simple fact that women are wise to the games they play on men, explains why female in-laws are very problematic. Women are always afraid that their sisters-in-law or daughters-in-law will play the same tricks they played on the men in their lives. To be candid, there are one or two things you have done as a woman you wouldn’t want any girl to do to your child or brother. If you view the behaviour of your in-laws from this angle, you will have a better understanding of the behaviour of your in-laws. In Africa, once a man is old enough to marry, members of his family wash their hands off him because he now has a partner to share his burden with. The reason for this is simple, his wife and children will be the first beneficiaries of his riches, success and achievements. Therefore, the wife and not his family members; should stand by him during difficult times. If you are truthful, how many times have you joyfully offered help to your married male relatives? The assumption that only the wife and her children benefit from his success makes it difficult for in-laws to fully offer financial assistance to their married sons when in need of help. This also has to do with the attitude of so many wives to their in-laws when the man is comfortable. So many women make it impossible for their husbands to offer assistance to members of their families. Therefore, this behaviour isn’t peculiar to your in-laws. It is also happening in your own family. Severally, in our own families, we have sat in judgement over the cases of our brothers and their wives; most often, condemning the wives as being the reason our brothers are misbehaving even when we are aware that our brothers have never behaved otherwise. Likeness is relative here. If they have issues with you, they are bound to let it reflect in their attitude towards their brother to drum home the point that they are not happy with him. Doubtless they love their brother but are not happy with his choice of a wife. They have left him to his own devices because the decision to marry you was solely his own, hence he should be able to face the challenges that come with his decision without their help. If you want to succeed in your marriage, don’t look too much into the behaviour of your in-laws. Be generally friendly towards all of them. When they come to visit their brother, don’t prevent them from seeing him or offering help to them. Sometimes, help him manage his relationship with them by using your own money to make up for any short fall on his part. It is a way of protecting your children and husband from more problems. The ones you simply cannot tolerate; keep them at a distance by being very civil instead of allowing them get close and you end up exchanging bitter words. As a mother, you owe it to your children to be friendly with your in-laws so they don’t engage your children in needless physical and spiritual battle. Even in situations you know they don’t like your husband, don’t ever join your husband in fighting them. Instead be polite while you pray to God for the protection of your husband and children. Good luck.