My wife is grossly lacking in parlour etiquette

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need urgent help. I am a 40-year-old man who has been married for over 10 years. But I have never enjoyed a minute peace in my marriage, as my wife is a tyrant. She beats me at will; dehumanizes me in the presence of our children. I know it sounds strange but it is the truth. My wife is a monster. She denies me sex and only agrees to it when she wants. Until I practically hand over my salary to her, she won’t give me any form of rest in the house. She knows how much I earn because she went to the office to lodge complaints against me; that I don’t give her money at home. Because of her nature, all my friends and family members have deserted me. None of them understands my reason for keeping her as my wife; in all honestly I don’t understand it myself when in the presence of visitors, she would call me names or water like she did when my mother came to help with our last child. The funny thing is that she is very sweet to her own family members and the few friends she has. Like me the children keep away from her for fear of her mood. The reason I am writing you has to do with her recent behaviour when our landlord came to ask for his rents. I was actually asleep when the man came; rather than come into the room to wake me she started raining curses on me and at the same time the landlord. By the time I came out of the room with my rent, my landlord was very angry. He refused to collect the money from me; insisting I must vacate his premises that he can no longer endure the attitude and rudeness of my wife. This will be the sixth place we have lived since we got married. I am really fed up with the whole thing called marriage. Everyday, she pushes me to the edge of my endurance. I grew up with very peace loving parents; never once did I witness my parents quarreling. Knowing that no two human beings can be together without having their moments of disagreement, they kept their disagreement inside their bedroom. It is so bad that my eldest daughter talks to me without respect or fear just like her mother. I am fed up; please help me, Agatha. I am a senior officer in my place of work with people working under me. They all respect me. Helpless Man, Dear Helpless Man, Going through the content of your mail got me very confused and my first reaction was to ignore your letter and invite you instead for a private discussion. But since you refused to come to our office because of what you tagged shame, I have decided through the help of God to reply you. Marriage is a partnership, not a prison. Its wheel must constantly be greased with respect for it to function well. It is also governed by its sets of principles and rules; once there is dislodgement in any of these rules, the foundation of the marriage becomes threatened and if nothing is done immediately to rectify it, it risks complete collapse. In a situation where there is total breakdown of law and order between the two of you, for the sake of the children, you especially, have to reconsider the condition of your being together as man and wife. The reason couples patch things up in a bad marriage is because of the children, but there are certain instances when the children have to be protected from the negative influences of their parents’ examples. The longer your children are exposed to this situation between you and your wife, the greater danger of your children modeling their marriages after yours because it is the only example they have. To prevent their future partners being subjected to you and your wife kind of examples, it is appropriate you sit to think of a way out of this mess your marriage has become. You and your wife made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together so in that aspect, you can decide to endure whatever kind of discomfort, insults and disrespect from your wife because you made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together but the children had no choice in the matter of the family they are born into. You invited the children into your lives hence you must take responsibilities for how they turn out in future. Your situation is an example of how the negative behaviour of parents impact negatively on the children. Your wife’s unruly and cantankerous behaviour didn’t start today or were born with her. She must have learnt to beat you from the example of someone close to her. Your daughter is fast copying the same attributes from her. If nothing is turn to help her see the good side of marriage, point her at how a normal relationship between a man and woman should be, she will end up being another man’s nightmare. That your parents didn’t quarrel in the open doesn’t mean they never did. Their example shows good management and effective leadership on the part of your father. If your father didn’t command the respect of your mother, she won’t be support him to succeed as the head of the family. The lesson here is that your father was man enough to have provided your mother the kind leadership that kept her in her place as the woman. It is either you make up your mind to be a man in your home or end the marriage and spare your children the horror of seeing their father being beaten by their mother at any little excuse. There is a huge difference between being quiet and being timid. No matter what your excuse is, you are weak as a man; which is why your wife has escaped for too long with her behavior. Had you from the very first time she raised her hand against you to put her in her place, she wouldn’t have dared it a second time let alone allow it to become the norm in her relationship with you. If your decision is to stay with her, you have to help yourself stop this abuse of your person and ego. One way to do it is to find the guts to be a man in your home. The fact that you have people working under you, are in a position of authority at your place of work shows that your problem with leadership is at the home front. So why is it so difficult for you to exercise your leadership potentials in your home? this is the time to tell yourself some plain truth. What kind of courtship did you two have and what kinds of indulgences did you allow in the name of love during that time? What kind of woman was she, way back then? Did you have any inkling that she would become a man beater along the road? What kind of marriage do her parents have or had? What kind of woman is your mother-in-law and man, your father-in-law is or was? Difficult situations require tough solutions. It is either your love for your wife reduced you into a weakling for a husband or there is a power you are not aware of at work in your life. Whatever the case maybe, you just have to resist it and fight back for your respect as a man in your home and dependable father to your children. First is the awareness that something is wrong with your marriage and life which is good; it give emphasis to your silent rejection of the current status quo in your home as well as a determination to change things. The first signal is to call your wife and express your displeasure at her attitude to you in private and public places. Let her know you are no longer ready to put up with her attitude and that if she persists; you have the option of ending the marriage and going away with your children. The fact that you can make the declaration will put some measure of fear into her. The next time she puts up her hand to hit you, grab her hand and pretend as if you are going hit her back. Although the temptation of giving her back the same measure you got from her, don’t give it because once you start hitting her, the memory of how she has treated you all these years will keep urging you to carry on. At the end of the day, you will only have succeeded in replacing one kind of violence with another kind, leaving your children still without a good example to emulate in their own lives and homes in the future. Studies have shown that bullies are scared of challenge. She may want to fight back but let your eyes and the set of your face tell her how serious you are. Do it in the presence of your children for the simple reason that they witnessed your humiliation by their mother and have developed an attitude towards you. Seeing you talk and treat their mother like that will automatically beat them into line. You are helpless because you allow yourself to be. Children are the best politicians on earth. They are good at shifting to where the power base is. Think of positive ways of putting your wife in her place without raising your voice or hand against her. Even if spiritual, once you have the awareness and determination to break it; whatever was used in putting you into bondage becomes neutralized. All you have to do is to back it up with prayers at all times. As for your landlord, go and beg him personally but if he insists you vacate his property, plead for time but ensure your wife never puts you in a position to beg your next landlord. Good luck.

Yet my AS son wants his AS girl for keep…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I appreciate the good work you are doing, more power to your elbow. I write this letter to seek your advice on what to do as I am presently in a state of confusion. My son brought home a lady whom he introduced to me as his fiancée, I took to her easily, but upon careful and calculated questioning, I discovered that the lady is AS. The same genotype as my son, this is where the dilemma sets in. I have advised them both on the fact that though they may love themselves, they cannot get married as the chances of bearing a SS genotype baby is evident and the pain and suffering they would be subjecting the innocent child to, I think, is going to be enormous. My son refused and has even picked up a quarrel with me on ‘not wanting his happiness’. He even tried to convince me that all I needed to do was to pray for them as a pastor has prayed for them and told them to ‘have faith’ and they would have S- free children. I am deeply affected because I know whatit means to see a loved one suffer from Sickle Cell and eventually die. I do not know what to do anymore as all my advice and appeal have fallen on his deaf ears. I am a Christian and I know the Bible says we should not tempt God. I feel this is what my son is doing. No one should make such mistakes in this age and time, and to think they are both educated makes it more appalling. I really don’t know what to do again. Please advise me on what to do. Concerned Mother. Dear Concerned Mother, Frankly, at this stage, the chances of your son listening to the voice of reason are very slim. When people think they are in love, it is always very difficult for them to accept the voice of reason, no matter how well meaning the voice is. Besides, he is very suspicious of your reason for wanting him to drop the woman he appears to love the most in his life. He probably thinks you are hiding under the guise of this medical problem to force him into abandoning this lady. Your motive is suspicious to him because it concerns his love for another woman. Suddenly you are no more his mother, but a jealous mother-in-law-to be to the woman he wants to marry. For this reason, you have to be very careful how hard you push him to avoid losing him altogether. From experience, I have learnt to pray for assistance from God in matters like this. For reasons best known to the young, when issues like this come up, the advice of their parents is the least they are likely to accept. Being his mother, he suspects you of ulterior motive, of not liking his choice and of you wanting to control him by forcing him to do your bidding. Bear in mind that he doesn’t have the experiences you have, don’t know what it is like to suffer helplessly at the sight of one’s child dying a slow death or constantly living in fear that the child may die one day. No, he and his girlfriend don’t know what it is like to feel guilty at bringing into the world a child that shouldn’t have been born in the first place. They don’t know that such pressures brought from guilt of bringing an SS child into the world could kill the love they have now. The issue of their genotype isn’t the problem as far as they are concerned; you and your so-called experiences are! To them the pastor has said it is okay and as far as they are concerned that is enough for them. They cannot imagine it now because they are so young and filled with rose-coloured ideas of what tomorrow holds. The solution is to change your attitude. Befriend his woman. Let her know that much as you love her as a daughter, reality demands that they know what they are about to do to their love. It might require you take her to see a doctor or visit a family that has a Sickle Cell child or crisis child in the hospital. Nothing has the power to communicate reality like being faced with a real situation of a crisis. By the time she gets close to a family with a Sickle Cell child, see the pains and hopelessness when the child is in crisis, experience first hand the pains the child goes through as well as the constant medical requirements something in her would begin to think the other way. Without them facing the reality of what they are about to enter into as well as the cost of the choice they have to make, they will never listen to you and continue to see you as their enemy. She must be made to understand through these real life experiences that there are some situations that love isn’t just enough to get a marriage going. By the time she realises that your concern is more for their happiness and not because you hate her she would be the one telling your son to reconsider their plans to marry. As a woman, she is most likely to see reasons with you because she would invariably be the one to suffer more of the emotional pains. Don’t stop praying for them. They need your prayers more than they realise.

My husband refuses to give me money

Dear Agatha, My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money and he is always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money. The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work and that since I don’t spend my money on the children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family. Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000.00 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment. I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000.00 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so. A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more money treating his mother. When I pointed his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will do it because he is her only child. I can go citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law. The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house. I feel I am more entitled than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me. Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members. Chy. Dear Chy, Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than in his person. And by the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything; his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death. Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise this, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage. If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you, through their stories, every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands. Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home. Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons? Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would. Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes. It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities. Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage. Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you. You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do? Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring. Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret and complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real. Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong. If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues. There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes. Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man. Good luck.

My in-laws are the pains of my marriage

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please how do I handle my in-laws? Why are in-laws always problematic? My in-laws don’t have human feelings for me. They were not there when I needed them most in my marriage. Rather than provide my husband and I with their shoulders to lean on, they instead are fond of pointing out our errors. I think they don’t like my husband and have extended their dislike for him to me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, In-laws are every married woman’s nightmare. They are generally blamed for real or imaginary problems in a marriage. Even when they keep their distance, they are still viewed with suspicion by the wife who reads a meaning to their every move. Before we can talk of handling your in-laws, it is of essence we talk about you first. More often than not, many young women come into their matrimonial families with prejudices against their in-laws; making it impossible for them to recognise or appreciate the positive qualities in their new families. As a result perfectly innocent mistakes on the part of in-laws are magnified out of proportion by combat ready wives. Unfortunately, the husbands are the ones who suffer the most as they strive to strike a balance between their wives and families. The consequences of this, is that the man at the centre of it all, is seen by both parties as a betrayer. While the family fights to retain his interest and obligations to them; his wife on the other hand pushes the button of intimacy to secure her points. Lots of men in their desire to maintain neutrality in a fight they don’t understand or appreciate, end up fighting all parties, earning for themselves the label of the main enemy. This perhaps may be the point your husband has gotten to. He doesn’t want to take sides with either you or his family. For this reason, his family thinks he is siding with you against them and as such decides to be hostile to him. The hostility of your in-laws towards your husband may come from this. They think your husband’s refusal to side openly with them; declare a definite stand on some vexing issues may be your influence over him. Because you will one day also be in their shoes, learn to tread carefully by applying a lot of wisdom. The first thing you must learn and accept is that you are a stranger in their family hence must create the room for a period of learning. There is no way you will ever be completely part of them. You have to make the allowances that sometimes, the family may just want to have a private discussion with their son just like you too may want some private time with your siblings outside him. It is natural for families to crave for private zones once in a while. When such demands come, a wise woman learns to step aside. To try to force yourself into such meetings is to create unnecessary tension for your husband as well as friction in the family. Frankly, this is where some of the issues between wives and in-laws originate from – the inability of wives to discern when they should cling to their husbands and when to release them to their families. As human beings, appreciate we are all prone to mistakes and not every blunder is deliberate as wives often think of their in-laws. To handle your in-laws better, devote time to study them. It might appear to be time wasting considering that some will never like you but, since you plan to stay with them for the rest of your life, get close to them. Pretend not to notice their attitude towards you; it is the best way to learn in life. At times, play the fool, as long as it affords you the chance to get close to them; take no notice of the kinds of insults or discomfort their attitude is subjecting you to. Don’t forget you are daughter-in-law to another woman and that one day, you too will be a mother-in-law and at the receiving end of another woman’s suspicions. The essence of getting close to them is to befriend one or two persons; it helps to have a friend in the enemy’s camp. These are the people that will constantly act as your ears, eyes and mouth when issues concerning you come up within the family circle. They will be the ones to inform you about the likes and dislikes of your most critical member of the family as well as the person’s weak points. One thing you should never do is attempt to fight or quarrel with any of them; when the situation becomes too unbearable for you to tolerate, simply walk away. Always have at the back of your mind that what you are facing in your home is what another woman married into your family is also experiencing with your family. Therefore, try not to conduct yourself the way you would not want your brother’s wife to behave towards you or your future daughter-in-law for that matter. Life is a process of give and take; a little bit of patience and wisdom would buy us everlasting happiness and comfort. To help yourself better, be humble. Don’t forget you are the stranger in their mist. Your husband and his family come a long way, have a relationship and knowledge of each other that predates yours with him. They have established a format, which you must never attempt to break into. With time, you will be a part of that formation but it requires a lot of patience to get to that level. If you know how to play the right kind of politics, you will one day become the rally point – a mother to all of them. The attitude of in-laws is a natural human reaction to someone new; learn from the behaviour of little children; first they view a new member with suspicion before either making up their mind on how to walk with the new member. A wife is a stranger to her in-laws; first her motive for marrying into the family has to be established before she can be fully integrated. Most often the desire to protect their son from the hands of a scheming woman triggers the animosity between in-laws and their daughters-in-law. The simple fact that women are wise to the games they play on men, explains why female in-laws are very problematic. Women are always afraid that their sisters-in-law or daughters-in-law will play the same tricks they played on the men in their lives. To be candid, there are one or two things you have done as a woman you wouldn’t want any girl to do to your child or brother. If you view the behaviour of your in-laws from this angle, you will have a better understanding of the behaviour of your in-laws. In Africa, once a man is old enough to marry, members of his family wash their hands off him because he now has a partner to share his burden with. The reason for this is simple, his wife and children will be the first beneficiaries of his riches, success and achievements. Therefore, the wife and not his family members; should stand by him during difficult times. If you are truthful, how many times have you joyfully offered help to your married male relatives? The assumption that only the wife and her children benefit from his success makes it difficult for in-laws to fully offer financial assistance to their married sons when in need of help. This also has to do with the attitude of so many wives to their in-laws when the man is comfortable. So many women make it impossible for their husbands to offer assistance to members of their families. Therefore, this behaviour isn’t peculiar to your in-laws. It is also happening in your own family. Severally, in our own families, we have sat in judgement over the cases of our brothers and their wives; most often, condemning the wives as being the reason our brothers are misbehaving even when we are aware that our brothers have never behaved otherwise. Likeness is relative here. If they have issues with you, they are bound to let it reflect in their attitude towards their brother to drum home the point that they are not happy with him. Doubtless they love their brother but are not happy with his choice of a wife. They have left him to his own devices because the decision to marry you was solely his own, hence he should be able to face the challenges that come with his decision without their help. If you want to succeed in your marriage, don’t look too much into the behaviour of your in-laws. Be generally friendly towards all of them. When they come to visit their brother, don’t prevent them from seeing him or offering help to them. Sometimes, help him manage his relationship with them by using your own money to make up for any short fall on his part. It is a way of protecting your children and husband from more problems. The ones you simply cannot tolerate; keep them at a distance by being very civil instead of allowing them get close and you end up exchanging bitter words. As a mother, you owe it to your children to be friendly with your in-laws so they don’t engage your children in needless physical and spiritual battle. Even in situations you know they don’t like your husband, don’t ever join your husband in fighting them. Instead be polite while you pray to God for the protection of your husband and children. Good luck.

At 23, she is desperate to get married

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been close to you through your column and must confess, your solutions are very useful and well appreciated by many out there. I am a single man of 29 years old; I lost my four year relationship two years ago due to my education. I was in my final year and couldn’t take on the responsibility of marriage. My girlfriend was in a hurry to get married due to pressures from her family members.  After my youth service last year,  I combined resources with a friend to set up a business. I did this because I couldn’t afford the needed capital alone.  I confess, God has been faithful to me in the business. Agatha, I am now in a new relationship which I am very comfortable with. We were a year old last month. But my problem is with her people who are also on her neck to get married because of the many suitors coming her way. She is 23 years old and would be going for her youth service in February next year. Early this year she invited me to their house to meet her parents. I went with a friend of mine but didn’t go with any drink. I just bought present for the mother. She introduced me to them as the man she is interested in marrying. Her people welcomed me warmly. I have also introduced her to my people as my fiancée. Now she wants us to do a formal thing next year. She said we should either do the traditional marriage; where her bride price would be paid or do the white wedding which I am not ready for because of the financial implications. My plan concerning marriage is for 2014. Please how do I make her to understand and wait for me, because I don’t want to lose her to any man or should I impregnate her? Worried Bartho. Dear Worried Bartho, The easiest part of being married is the singing of the dotted lines. A lot of things go with marriage. Impregnating her isn’t a solution you must consider. It would only compound things for you because both mother and child would require money and time which by your own admission you don’t have now. The fact is, if you are buoyant enough to impregnate her, then nothing stops you from going the whole step by marrying her. Even if you succeed in getting her pregnant, do you have all it takes to be a father and husband? The real issue here is, are you ready for the attendant challenges that are concomitant with the institution? Having a baby is just an aspect of marriage. It requires both money and healthy psychology to bring up a child. There is no managing or pleading with a child to endure one’s financial constraints. There is no running away when a child is hungry or outgrows clothes, shoes or is ill. Only an irresponsible man goes into marriage ill prepared for the attendant challenges that go with being a family man. This is why you should call your woman for a heart to heart discussion. She needs to understand that the people pressuring her into marriage will not be there with her when things are not going well in her marriage. Understanding, patience, sacrifices and selflessness are what make a marriage survive the storm, not the pressures she is getting from her family members. Although the foundation of marriage draws its strength from sentimental feelings, the success or otherwise of a marriage should however be premised on reality. Make her know what your actual financial position is now and what it would be in the next five years while you and your partner grow the business. Explain everything in details to her. She has to learn to trust you from this early stage in your relationship. If she has sufficient faith in the future you are building, waiting one more year for you to be ready won’t be a problem. If she is going for her service year, it follows that by the time she is finishing, you will be ready to marry her. Explain to her that, going to pay her bride price doesn’t stop you from misbehaving or discontinuing with the wedding plans. She has to understand that what matters most at this point in time is the love you both share. Trust is what buys the future of a marriage or couple. She also has to appreciate the fact that unplanned marriages often than not, cannot withstand the turbulence of the storm. Urge her to look around her for facts and figures on the outcome of unplanned marriages. As her man, find ways of appeasing the fears of insecurity she has in your relationship. It won’t be out of place to hear her silent fears; the reasons she wants you to marry her at all cost this year. As long as her antenna is hovering around fear and desperation, it behooves you to take extra time to explain yourself and situation to her. Whatever is the cause of her fears; must be dealt with urgently to protect the future you are both planning to share together. This is the time you need to show her the required understanding to sail through this testing time in your relationship. Make the reason for her desperation to marry urgently at 23, your business. This is because it is strange for a young woman at that age to be so desperate. Normally, women at that age want some freedom before settling down. Ask her why she wants it urgently. Her explanation may reveal an ugly incident in her past which you must help her to deal with. Since you have met with the family, go and discuss with her father about your plans for their daughter. Being a man, he will definitely understand where you are coming from. Explain your reasons for wanting to wait till 2014 as well as the kinds of plans you have. Don’t act god in an affair you lack the knowledge and wisdom to pilot. Marriage is one institution where one needs the mercy and presence of God to succeed. To act against His will is to court problems you will never be able to manage efficiently. If both of you are meant to be together, you won’t lose her to any man. No matter how hard you try to keep a person not meant for you, the person will eventually leave you so, there is so much sense in allowing God to conduct your affairs especially when it comes to the issue of who you spend the rest of your life with. The hazard of a young choice is best imagined than experienced as a wrong partner can torpedo one’s whole dream in life. Rather than get frightened at the idea of losing her, focus more on God for His plans for you through prayers. You can be sure if this lady is in His plans for you, nobody will be able to distract her from you. A child needs to be planned for; not used as a tool of selfishness. Furthermore the presence of a child has never been known to prevent break-ups in relationships or marriages. The child and not you ends up suffering when the parents are unable to resolve their differences; you and your woman have to arrive at that crucial point of trust in your love and association. This is the kernel of your differences. Good luck.

Do I become harsh to sustain a relationship?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a single guy of 28 who has developed the habit of being nice to girls I come across. However, these girls soon lose interest in me and my friends are of the opinion that women appreciate men who are harsh to them. Sincerely, harshness is alien to my nature. What should I do? Should I stop being nice to them? I want to be in a relationship because I want to marry at the age of 32. Please help me. Worried Guy. Dear Worried Guy, Discount the opinion of your friends; it isn’t true. Just as men like different things in women, women too like different things in their men. Besides, we are all products of our environments. Out there is a woman who will do anything to have you in her life. No matter how the environment conditions a woman; deep inside her, every woman wants a man to love and cherish her. Though a lot of women are today confused about what they really require in their men; but the norm is for a man who is friendly and caring. However, there is a huge difference between being nice and a weakling. Majority of women don’t like a man they can control; it becomes a problem for women to accord such a man the kind of respect deserving of his position as the head. If you are the kind of man a woman can override, send on cheap errands and control, you may really have problems finding the right kind of woman. Being nice is showing respect, understanding and consideration. This doesn’t mean you must fail to draw the lines when you have to or act stupidly in situations where you have to take the lead. Women appreciate a man who is really in charge. When a man forfeits his rights as the head, not many women will be comfortable having him in their lives. It is important you make the distinction if you want to find the right kind of woman to share your life with. Good luck.

His insincerity got me out of our fruitless marriage

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Many thanks for your sincere and unbiased way of advice to the public. I am a great fan of yours and would like to use this medium to seek your sincere advice. I have been with my partner for seven years. We have had our ups and downs, sometimes necessitating us breaking up but we have survived it all up to this point. In all these years, I have never been pregnant. Expectedly, I have consulted so many fertility experts, gone through several tests and confirmed by all these doctors as medically fit to procreate. After each test I would be told to ask my husband do a semen test. On each occasion he has refused to do it, saying it is God that gives children, and that we should be prayerful since it is the enemy at work. At a point I had to plead with his friends to help me persuade him to go and see a doctor. He bluntly refused. In 2008, left with no choice, I went to report him to his uncle who agreed to have a talk with him. He eventually agreed to see a doctor. He was told he has a very low sperm count, the kind that cannot be rectified medically and that the only way we can be parents is to go for artificial insemination. The doctor after his examination and verdict asked him if he didn’t know about his condition since we are based in Europe. Although he declined knowledge of his medical condition but the whole incident brought something up in my memory. I remember he was always saying each time I pressure him on the need to consult a medical doctor on the issue of our infertility he would say, doctors are in the habit of finding faults whenever he goes for complete medical tests. I became convinced that he knew all along that he was the one with the problem. He didn’t display any emotions of surprise or discomfort, instead when we got home, he made himself a delicious meal, eat it all while I was down worry about the piece of news we have just been offered by the doctor. I was worried with how we were going to save up the money for the option we have, but he didn’t seem to care at all. Despite this and other issues, I still decided to stay with him and by June last year, he paid my bride price. Agatha, deep down in me, I’m a sad woman. Mostly he seeks advice from his friends and family members because, in his opinion, I don’t like him by refusing to tell him things he wants to hear. We have lost large sums of money due to his negligence. Mostly his family members are taking advantage of this to siphon money from him. Mostly, they tell him to send them money for one spiritual consultations or the other. They are forever telling him about different messages from various pastors. Sincerely, I am getting fed up of everything. I am in my mid 30s and don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple. In February this year we had a minor disagreement and he almost strangulate me. So I walked out of the marriage. He told his families and friends loads of lies about me but later started pleading when he knew I wasn’t going to bug. I kept our breakup from my family members because I consider it something of a shame. Besides I didn’t want people blaming me for my decision. Recently, I had to confide in my mother pleading with me to go back to my husband that marriage is for better and worse. Having given him so many chances in the past with the hope that he will change what he was I suppose to do? Agatha, was I wrong to have walk out of the marriage? Was it my fault? I can’t stop blaming myself. Please help me, PP. Dear PP, More often than not it is easier to blame others for our own faults and shortcoming. No matter the situation between the two of you now, you made the choice to marry him last year. This is not the typical situation where you would claim ignorance of his attitude and person. You lived with him for about six years before he paid your bride price last year. Therefore you went into this marriage with your eyes wide opened. From the moment you agreed to have him pay your bride price in June last year, you unwittingly entered into an agreement with yourself and God to abide with his manner of person. It would have been a different case entirely if you didn’t know anything about him; wasn’t aware of his medical problem, habit of consulting his family and friends on matters that should ideally remain between the two of you. You knew all about this and still decided to marry him. Violence doesn’t manifest in a day. There is no way you can say this is his first time of violating you physically. It must be one of the things you know about him. If you didn’t protest then why now? Has it got anything to do with your knowledge of his medical problem or the fact that he knew all along and hide the fact from you? Honestly, I feel for you but there are a lot of issues tied to this situation you must critically examine before taking a final decision. The first is the complexity of marriage. As boyfriend and girlfriend, he could tolerate certain things from you, even endure some of your verbal attacks but as your husband, he now expects something more than that from you. He may not be willing to let go of his excesses but as his woman, he expects you to show him more respect. He may live abroad but his roots are firmly entrenched in the customs and traditions of his people. So be careful and mindful what you say to him or how you react. If you really want this marriage to succeed, you just must learn to be the woman while he the man. It isn’t about what you have done for him but what you both have done for each other. This is the marriage creed. This is the time for you to be very, very honest with yourself. Since knowing about his medical problem, how have you felt? Betrayed? Disappointed? Angry? Frustrated? Helpless? Don’t be ashamed to express your feelings because all these are natural. Except you are out to deceive yourself, you have gone through all these emotions and back. You probably have lost every respect for him as a man considering the emotional pains he subjected you to going through all those dehumanising medical examinations when he knew the truth all the while. You are only human if you behave rudely to him, less sensitive to his needs and lacking in respect for him. What you are going through is enough to make one behave out of character especially a woman whose biological clock is daily grinding to a halt. Out of these pains, you could have said one or two things to him to make him feel useless as a man; those things we women say when we are angry can make a man with his condition angry enough to want to kill the woman. Are you sure you didn’t out of the bitterness and seemingly helplessness of your situation say something to remind him of his inability to father a child the normal way? I am not saying it was right of him to get violent, but if you pause, rewind to that incident, can you honestly say you were not the harbinger of what happened that day? Bear in mind that this is also a very difficult time for him. In your presence, he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. He is battling with inner challenges and fear too that you now have a very good reason to leave him should you want to. Though extremely wrong, like a drowning man, he feels it is the only way to assert his authority as the head of the home. The panacea to dealing with this kind of problem in a marriage is first to allow the anger and frustration a free reign to flow. Don’t bottle up what you feel at all. Cry, shout, and allow all your feelings to come in the open. There is no stopping a raging storm from happening. Before you can see clearly, discuss your options with him, allow yourself to divest all those pent-up emotions to avoid you snapping at the slightest thing. Going home and refusing to discuss the results of the tests as well as your observations that he knew all these while isn’t a panacea. Both of you need to talk about all your fears immediately. Your current disagreement is the right opportunity to come out clean with all your anger and emotions. Let them come out. From your mail, it is obvious your disappointment in this man didn’t start today. Go back to the beginning. Don’t use cosmetic approach to solve this problem rather, be very realistic because what you fail to deal with now will never allow both of you have the desired happiness in this marriage. There is too much resentment for this man in your heart. It is only after you have done this, that you both can collectively discuss the future of the marriage as well as the options available to you. In all these, don’t ever forget the place of God, hence the need for you both to pray as a couple for divine answers. Have you also tried investigating his claims that his problem is spiritual? Only a closer relationship with God can reveal the mystery of this. As the woman, it behooves you to stand in gap by asking God to lead you to where help is. If at the end of the day, it is purely medical, broaden your perspective by also considering adoption. Children, either biological or adopted are what we plant into them. As for the issue of whether to go back to him or not, it is your choice but think of all the years of you have been together, the sacrifices as well as the first time you met. There is no perfect person but perfect will to succeed. Make up your mind what is important to you in your life and allow God’s will to prevail. Good luck.

I don’t understand why he suspects me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a girl of 20 years of age and I started dating this guy at the age of 16. He taught me what love is and how to love. We love each other very much. I am so comfortable in the knowledge and power of his love that any other man that comes my way seems very irrelevant. I am of the firm belief that he is a divine gift from above to me. However, the problem is that we live in different parts of the country. I am in the eastern part of the country while, he stays in then northern part of the country. The distance between us always makes him suspicious of me. He thinks since we are not together, I am dating another person. My repeated assurances that being so much in love with him makes it impossible for me to love another man seem to fall on deaf ears. He is so unsure of me that when he calls me and hears another man’s voice even though the voice is that of my brother or male colleagues, he instantly becomes very suspicious and demands to know where I am and who I am with. He will also demand to know what I am doing with the male voice. I have tried to make him understand that I can’t love any other person, but he still doesn’t believe me. Please, I want you to help me sort this thing out, because even when I am telling him the truth, he still doubts me, what will I do to make him to trust me in everything? Onyi. Dear Onyi, Getting a suspicious partner to change a conceived opinion about the mate is one of the most challenging aspects in a relationship. Before you can change his mind, let’s’ look at what brought on those suspicions. Are these suspicions only as a result of your staying in different parts of the country? Or because you gave him reasons to be suspicious of you? There is a world of difference between you giving him reasons to suspect you and him being naturally suspicious. If he is naturally suspicious, you must try to prevent any situation that would make him more doubtful of you. The distance between you two can be narrowed by patience, understanding of his fears, loyalty to him and honesty in whatever you do. There is no way he can continue to suspect you if he has the assurances through your behaviour that you can be trusted. It is not just the verbal assurances that would make him believe you, it is all the other things which you haven’t been doing. I know how difficult it is to dispel the fears of a suspicious partner or to conduct a distant relationship for that matter. It is often not easy; it takes dedication, plenty of tolerance and understanding to get a suspicious partner to change. To understand his fears, ask him why he thinks you are being unfaithful to him. Although this type of discussion is best done person-to-person, not on the phone, but if the phone is the only alternative you have, ask him on the phone why he thinks you are cheating on him. Demand to know if you have given him any reason in the past to doubt you. It may not even be the way you relate to people around you but the way you warm up to him. Chances are if you have allowed him make love to you, you may have unwittingly given him the weapon to use against you. Having had access to your body, there is no way he would be convinced that you are also not giving the same privileges to another man. It is natural for him to suspect you of infidelity because in his mind, especially if he recalls the way you responded to his touches, there is no way he can trust you to stay away from the warmth of a male embrace. It is a very precarious situation, but you must find a way of convincing him of your undivided loyalty to him always. From experience, one way to do it is not to get angry when he starts suspecting you. Make light of the matter even if you are very angry and hurt by his constant suspicions. Reserve whatever comments you have on the matter until the time you will meet to trash it out thoroughly. The danger of responding angrily to him on the phone is the risk to the sustainability of the relationship. In growing a relationship, you have to factor suitability of certain situations or reactions to situations. Now that you two are still very dependent on the impersonal nature of telephone technology to sustain your relationship, it isn’t auspicious for you to argue too much to forestall the attendant stress that comes with keeping a free communication line between a couple who live apart. Furthermore, both of you have to make real attempts at growing your relationship to reflect your new experiences, wisdom and maturity. At 16, you hardly know what is expected of you or from a relationship. You are older. Your body chemistry and outlook have matured significantly between then and now. Your maturity, physical endowments and attitude may be so pronounced to attract a lot more attention than when he first met you. These may also be cause of concern and jealousy to him. He is afraid he may lose you to someone else, particularly as he is not around you to stamp his ownership on you. While you may not have control over the way he feels or a say in the way you are filing out, you definitely can help reduce his fears by constantly assuring him of your love. By not trying to deny the avalanche of attention you are getting from other men gives him the impression that you don’t have anything to hide and that you are responsible enough to know that whatever is attracting these men to you isn’t as important as keeping the one whose presence in your life means more to you. The type of company you keep too may implicate you. Who are your friends? What are the moral values they hold supreme? At 20, you would definitely have friends whose values may clash with yours. There is no way you can convince him of being responsible if you surround yourself with friends of questionable moral character. You may not be like them, but it would be hard to convince anybody who sees you constantly in their company that you are different. So be careful of the type of friends you keep since they can make or break you. Doubtless, he too may be influenced by his friends to constantly suspect you, the issue here is for you not to give him reasons to doubt you in anyway. Endeavour to be honest always. He may not appreciate, believe or trust you but by being focused and principled you will convince him of your worth someday. Good luck.

She’s wayward but I love her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I must commend you for the wisdom with which you solve people’s problems. Indeed you’re a blessing to your generation. I write to share the issues in my family with you because I know God will use your advice to salvage the damage done so far. I married my wife against the wishes of my brother, not because she is bad but because she has children from a previous relationship even though they were never married. I saw in her some qualities I needed in my kind of woman hence my desire to marry her. My wife is a wonderful woman no doubt; one that every man will like to have in his life but Agatha, poverty has made me see the other side of her. While I struggle to make ends meet, my wife on the other hand is doing well and I am proud of her. In-fact, the house we call our own was built by her. This I say because she bought the land, and she did majority of the work. I, on the other hand, took a loan from the office when she told me she bought a land; though small, but to support the wonderful ideas she brought about the house. The loan was only able to raise the structure to lintel level. She completed the house from that point. When we moved in, the house was still without windows, she struggled so hard to ensure we fixed windows as well as do some other finishing that has made it a befitting abode. Agatha, before now, I caught my wife with a man and I was so heartbroken because of the pains, I left her but she begged me and I forgave her but it didn’t stop there. My wife can’t leave her phone with me for a minute. Severally, I have seen love messages she sent and the ones she received but each time I confront her, she reminds me that I wasn’t doing anything for her and therefore cannot control her. In-fact we can’t sleep at night because of different phone calls from different men at odd hours; we have had several issues because of this. Sometime last month, she told me she would be on night duty (as a police officer), I didn’t object but each time my wife leaves the house, she hardly picks my calls and when she does, she is either asking why I am bothering her with calls or insulting me, before I even tell her the reason for my call. She will end the call and if I try calling back, she will put off the phone. This has continued for days. Even when I tell her I love her on phone she won’t respond. When she picks my call, she just answers ‘’hello’’ without the pet name she calls me when we are alone. Recently, one Sunday, I didn’t go to church as I was trying to weed around the house. She called at about 10 a.m. that she was on her way. Normally from where she said she was would take about 20 minutes to the house but my wife never returned until 2:05pm. I questioned her and told her I wasn’t ready for that kind of life. She told me she was in a women’s meeting.This was a blatant lie. I was so hurt I reported the issue to her brother who lives few flats away from us. He said he wasn’t unaware of his sister’s behaviour and that he won’t tolerate such from any woman. Her brother and a female cousin of hers came with me to meet with my wife. She refused to listen to them. She told them it was over between us and that I should move out of the house since she built it. Agatha, aside her wayward lifestyle, my wife is a good woman. There is nothing I don’t do for her except buy her expensive wrappers. I’m considering getting an apartment and moving out of the house since she insists on it. Ever since the issue came up, my wife has not been sleeping at home. Even before this incident, we didn’t have a sex life. Please tell me what to do because I’m so confused but something inside me tells me that prayer is the only solution but how do I continue to live with a woman I can’t trust? Is it my fault that I am poor even though we don’t beg for food? I don’t want divorce but what do I do? Desperate Husband. Dear Desperate Husband, The issues in your marriage didn’t start after you both got married; they have always been there but you were either blinded by your feelings for her to notice or by some other things you played up then. There are some women, no matter the qualities they may have, who will never be good wives. Any man who seeks to tame them through marriage risks emotional aches. There is no way you wouldn’t have noticed some of her conduct and attitude during your courtship days. How much does a Police Officer earn to give her the kind of money you claim she has? When you noticed her affluence, did you at anytime ask her how she was making the extra money? Did you at anytime challenge her to know if the money was coming from her salary or other sources? What steps did you take in addressing the numerous affairs you know she was having? Being poor doesn’t mean you should tolerate infidelity in your marriage. To be poor isn’t offensive but when a man is weak; his wife becomes the boss in the house. You gave your wife the opportunity to be wild through your own lack of effective control of your home. There are many women who though are breadwinners of the family, still remember their responsibilities to their husbands. If she hasn’t shared your bed for a while, then what kind of marriage do you have with her? For how long can you endure the humiliation of knowing what she is denying you, she is giving it freely to other men? You may want this marriage but from all indications, this woman is no longer interested in this marriage. She wants the freedom to come and go whenever she likes. She may have the qualities you want in a woman but the question, do you have the qualities to keep her married to you? It takes two to make a marriage work. If she doesn’t want it, has made up her mind to move forward, there is little you can do to keep her in your life. It is unfortunate and painful but you must learn to respect her wishes at least for now. Granted, there is nothing prayers cannot do, but God isn’t a magician. Your case requires more of sincerity on your part than prayers. You have to tell yourself certain basic truth concerning your reason for wanting to stay in a marriage with a woman you say is rude, disrespectful and wayward. Is the fact of her being financially better than you the reason you want to stay on in the marriage? Do you have the emotional stamina to endure the knowledge of her unfaithfulness? You need to be truthful at this important juncture in your marriage. This is because there are certain things prayers will never do. It has to come from either you or your wife. For instance, the decision to be faithful, responsible and respectful has to come from her. You may think you have the ability to cope with all the other men in her life but a time will come when her conduct will make you snap. There is a limit you will get when you will feel like ending it all. This is the time to avert the danger of you hurting her or yourself by facing the situation now as a man. We all come with certain defects from the manufacturer’s table. This includes making the wrong choice of a life partner. You are a man and men generally need their egos to be massaged at all times. Don’t be afraid to admit you didn’t factor so many things into your choice of a wife. Your pride should not deny you of the wisdom required to make the right choice in this matter. Until both of you are able to discuss as adults, pack out of her house because from all that you have said, she isn’t ready to listen to the voice of reason. Accept the fact that she wants her freedom now. If you are both meant to be, something will make her change to become the kind of woman you want but for now, reality demands you allow her go. It is sad but this is what your kind of situation demands. You also need to be a man of your own to be happy in life. Good luck.

I was raped and now pregnant

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three months ago, while coming back from an errand for my mother, three boys gang raped me in an uncompleted building. It was horrible. Till date, I cannot make out the faces of the boys that violated me. When I told my mother about the incident, she scolded me as if I asked for it and later advised me not to tell my father or uncle. I felt bad at her attitude but decided it was better I heeded her advice of not telling my father. Besides, I didn’t want my father telling me all those nasty things my mother told me. I was at home about two weeks ago when I fainted; I was rushed to the nearest hospital where I was pronounced pregnant after some tests were carried out on me. Needless to say, my father is now aware of the whole incident and blames my mother for not telling him. He said, if he had been told, he would have insisted I went for medical examinations and steps taken to avert my getting pregnant. Even now he insists I go for an abortion but my mother who is pushing religious sentiments, she is a member of The Apostolic Church insists I should have the baby. According to her it was a sin to take a life one didn’t create. The issue is causing so much problems at home between my parents. I am so confused. I am only 18 years of age; a one hundred student of English. I am not ready to be a mother least of all, the one whose paternity I will never be able to identify. I have tried to make my mother understand that I have my whole life ahead of me; plans I want to accomplish before I even marry; she has vowed to fight me all the way if I attempt to destroy the life she claims is inside of me. It is so painful that my mother hasn’t bothered to ask me how I feel or consider my nightmare and shame of having a child at my early age. it is so painful that what she wanted concealed have been made public by a pregnancy I cannot explain whose precisely it is. Already my mother is treating like a piece of dirt with the way she screams and calls me unprintable names. I wonder how she is going to treat a child she is already referring to as a bastard. The only person on my side is my father. I am so confused about what to do about this child. Please help me make a decision, Agatha. I was at the programme you attended at the national stadium where you talked about women knowing what they want before venturing into a relationship. I want to be useful to myself and the society. Please help me. If forced against my will by my mother and the church to keep this child, I would rather die. It is my body, my future and life that are at stake. None of them is offering me any succor or sympathy. I am fed up. Adewumi. Dear Adewumi, There is nothing I can say or do that, will undo what has been done. I really empathize with you. As a woman, I understand your pains and humiliation at being made to suffer for something you were painfully forced into. As a mother, my heart goes out to you. At 18, you are old enough under the law to make your decision. Abortion is permitted when it has to do with rape. In your case, three men raped you making it impossible for you as a woman to identify whose baby you are carrying. No matter what the church or your mother feels, their responsibility is to you, given the situation under which you got pregnant. To keep the child is to postpone today’s evil till a later date. Every child deserves love and identification in life. Given the history surrounding the conception of this child and your current state of mind, there is no way this child will ever enjoy love and support to grow into a success story. When the story of how its conception would be told the child, chances are the child will become difficult to manage. Frankly, there is no way the innocent child will get love from you or any member of your family or immediate environment. There will always be someone ready to remind the child of its dark past anytime it oversteps what the person considers the normal bound. The burden of shame, denial, unspoken condemnation and cruel gossip will be too much for the child to bear. As a matter of fact, the child will suffer more than you eventually especially if a man. The burden of his paternity will always come to play over his surname. The day your father passes on, will be the day someone in your father’s family will come forward to protest the use of the family’s name by your child. The only way this child can be happy and integrate properly into to the society is to have and give it up for adoption; to a couple who can really invest unconditional love on the child and who is unaware of the circumstances of the conception. Adoption will help you take care of the burden of guilt most women feel after abortion especially if she is unable to have a child in the future. It will also help you deal with the psychological trauma of raising a child with no father as well as the bitterness the presence of the child will always evoke in your heart and mind. But you have to be medically and emotionally fit to go through this. To give birth to a healthy baby requires for the mother to be in a very good state of mind as well as the required stamina to go through all the process of birth. Frankly, you need to be of good health and mind to carry a pregnancy to full term since all kinds of complications can occur. Whatever you decide to go, get a medical opinion first. It will go a long way in influencing what your final decision will be. Sometimes, medical report may even rule out the option of abortion while in other cases, it recommends abortion on health grounds. Rather than allow your mother and church push into a situation that could spell danger to your life, tell your father to take you for proper medical examinations. It is the first priority now. If at the end of the day, you are not keen on having the baby, don’t be afraid to say so because you are the one wearing the shoes and whose future is on the line by this unfortunate incident. Honestly, no reasonable person will blame you if you decide otherwise; the important thing is for you to be comfortable with it. For now, you may have to take sometime off to think properly. It is important you do. Once you are able to make peace with yourself by opting for the decision you feel most comfortable with, the urge to kill yourself will vanish. You are contemplating it because you feel under pressure by the opinions and views of others. The important lesson you must take away from this unfortunate incident is that in life, you are solely responsible for what you become. Don’t allow others make the important decisions bothering on your dreams for you. You are on the threshold being an adult; coupled with this kind of life changing experience others your age or older are yet to go through, it behooves you to safeguard your dreams with the single-mindedness of one sure of his or her destination. Good luck.

Re: My wife of 30 years betrayed me

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you so much for the work you are doing. Please keep it up. It’s one point of interest when ever I want to read Nigerian Newspapers. As per above, my brother in the picture need to re-examine himself and put his priority aright. One problem with humanity, we are often very quick to judge another without first putting ourselves in their shoes. One fact that I learnt over time in the western world is that hardly do we see and admit that the values and perspectives we held while in Nigeria have changed over time since sojourning in a strange land. Another point from his reply; do not really point out family as a priority before money to take care of the family. If money can buy a loving united family, he has tried that. Twelve years is too long a time for spouses (married) to be apart regardless of what. The only solution that can clean the mess created is to honestly accept responsibility, make up with his wife and children as soon as possible. Marrying another wife is never going to be a solution but duplicates his troubles. Frankly, the wife wronged him but it takes the manner in which the man goes about resolving this problem in humility and graces to forgive his wife that will lead the wife to humbly accept her fault and make amends because devil who is the deceiver and destroyer of families will magnify anything to paint the wrong picture. If they make amend, naturally, things may not be the same but it will be better than the trouble of another wife down the road. I had a somehow different but similar kind of situation recently. My girl, who is my wife today was with me in 1997. We met at a younger age and though I fell in love with her, we parted for about twelve years without any form of contact. Luckily, we were all sure God meant us to be one. Somehow I left Nigeria without her knowledge and I didn’t know about her where about too. But we all hang our hope in God and God brought us together at the 12th year. Do you know that though we were not “dating or married” that time, we had our different share of temptations? Let him make up his mind quickly whether to choose marrying another wife with attendant headache with bundles of troubles in future coming from his “new” wife to be, his “old” wife and children or to swallow his ego, pride and pain while amending with his wife and children. Forgiveness is all that is needed to heal the inflicted wounds and bring back the glory once again. God bless you.

My father rapes me almost every night

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 18 years of age. Right from as far as I can remember, my father has been abusing me sexually. It has become such a habit that he doesn’t want me out of his sight. He does it in such a way my mother appears not to suspect anything or is simply pretending not to. I really don’t know what is happening to her. I have gotten used to it. Twice he procured abortions for me. The last one got my mother very suspicious but my father managed the situation by ordering my mother to leave me alone. What worries me is that my father is a leader in the church. Now he is also sleeping with my 12 year old sister. We are both powerless to do anything about our situation since our mother’s attitude sometimes calls to question her emotional state of mind. This minute you are so certain you can get her to listen to you, take interest in her children’s welfare; the next minute she is doing something very different. I don’t know how to make you understand what I am trying to say but I suspect she is not in complete control of her emotions. For instance when I tried telling her about what my father was doing to me after he made me go through my second abortion, she pushed me out of her room; calling me the child of devil. Till date, she hasn’t bothered to ask or investigate the matter. She appears oblivious of the incident. Now the issue is how do I stop my father from doing what he is doing to my sister and I? He has refused me to accept offers of admission I got to the university and polytechnics outside Lagos. His excuse? I am too young to be on my own but I know it is because he wants me around for his selfish reasons. How do I get out of this prison my father has put me? Most times I feel like killing him; actually tried to poison his food once with battery water I got from a mechanic but I changed my mind when I thought of the consequences on me. If I don’t leave the house I fear, I won’t mind going to hell by killing him. Adunola Dear Adunola, The most important thing now is for you to get out of the house with your sister. Since your mother cannot provide you with the protection from your father, go outside your mother for help. First let your father know that you are no longer ready to put up with his depravation; that you are ready to tell whosoever cares to listen, the kind of father he has been to you and your sister. He has continued to abuse you sexually because you have kept quiet all these years. It is time you put a stop to it once and for all. The next time he comes into your room to have sex with you, scream loud enough to attract the attention of the neighbours. Communicate loudly the object of your scream so people know exactly what is happening. Don’t be afraid of him anymore. Your fear and silence are the reason his has continued to rape you and now your sister. If you don’t do something to stop him, this man will destroy you and your sisters for life. Because, he is most likely to react violently, arm yourself with something to protect you incase he gets violent. Usually rapists, especially in the mold your father is, will not want his reputation soiled so he is likely to use his palm to gag your mouth. Bite him hard on the palms as evidence of his intentions. He is refusing to let you go because he wants unrestricted access to your body. He knows that once you leave, he won’t be able to control your emotions anymore. The moment he defiled you, he forfeited every respect he deserves as your father so treat him like you would any man who rapes you. Follow this up by seeking protection for you and your sister from his female relatives. The truth is, if you leave, he will continue to violate your sister and at her age, she may not be able to protect herself from him. So it isn’t just about leaving the house but also providing security for that young girl too. By the time you make it public, your mother’s play at amnesia will disappear because whatever it is she is trying to prevent will no longer be necessary. The situation will force her to look at ways to protect her daughters from her husband. Being a leader in the church, he will want the matter resolved as quickly as possible to prevent the attendant scandal that follows. Insist he sends your female siblings, to boarding schools while you go off to school. During holidays, look for places to go to and if you must stay at home, you all should stay in the same room. Don’t kill him; it is a temptation you must fight against to prove to yourself and the world that you are a better person. The moment you take the laws into your hand, you become as guilty as he is. Besides, it will further destroy your family. As it is, your family may never recover from this incident; there is no way you and your sister will ever have a normal father-daughter relationship with him again. Just as it will be difficult for you to allow your children come near him. The harm on your family is already too deep for you to complicate further. Sincerely, your mother needs a second chance to be happy again. From your narration, your father has unwittingly destroyed her and belief in the marriage. Don’t forget that she is also be affected by everything that is happening around her. Even if your father used charms on her, the effect will vanish one day; she will always be negatively affected by the knowledge of what her husband did to her daughters. No matter how much she tries, her marriage to your father will never be the same on account of this incident. This is why you must be strong for yourself and everybody in the family. Doubtless, it can’t have been a tea party for you to endure the presence of your father in that forbidden manner but in a way, the survival of what is left of your family depends on your ability to forge ahead. While you need time to forgive, wisdom and determination are what you need now to get out of this situation. God is who you should turn to now; you need Him now more than ever before. It is important you turn to God to avert the greater tragedy of you turning your hatred to other men. Good luck.

My husband is sleeping with my best friend

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have a very confusing problem in my life now. I discovered that my husband and my best-friend are having an affair. I am hardly at home as a result of my business which takes me out of the country quite often. This friend and I grew up together. We have always been in each other’s lives. About two years ago, her marriage broke up. I didn’t bother to ask questions about the reason but decided to relocate her to Lagos since I felt it would be nice to have her around because of my children. She came at the time I was having real problems with my husband who was beginning to complain about my constant absence from home and the negative effect it was having on the children. He was almost getting to the point of him asking me to choose between my business and the family. It was really becoming very tough for me as the house-girl just left without the courtesy of informing me about her decision. So when my friend called to inform me about her marriage, I simply asked her to come since people were already demanding for items I had ran out of. This was last year December. Recently, I had reasons to cut short one of my trips only to discover that my friend has not only taken over my children but my husband as well. The most painful thing is that my children knew about the affair between their father and my friend but didn’t tell me. I feel betrayed and bitter about everything. Please tell me what to do; I want my home back again. Eliza. Dear Eliza, If your children are in the know of this affair between their father and your best friend and didn’t say anything in your defense, it underscores the kind of mother you really are to them. By their action, the children have elected to side with a woman who knows what motherhood is all about and one who is present at all times. It is okay for a woman to pursue some level of financial independence, but such quest must not be done at the expense of the children’s welfare. While the children can survive the absence of their father, they cannot endure an absentee mother. Your presence in the home as a woman, wife and mother is not negotiable. No amount of financial success or freedom can make up for the happiness and welfare of your children. It is one thing for your husband and best friend to begin an affair behind you, it is a completely different story for your children to be in the know and not tell you. Candidly, the issue now is not just about the affair between your husband and friend but that of you putting things right between you and your children. The first thing to do now is to sit back to x-ray the things that are important to you in life. How much are your children worth to you? As a woman, have you stopped to think of that tomorrow when you can no longer have children; when you will need the special warmth only children bring to the heart of an aging woman? Of what use is having all the money in the world but losing the important things in life? While your husband can always begin something new with a very young woman, what are the choices you have if these children refuse to be appeased? Honestly, their case is more worrisome than the affair between your husband and friend. There is really the urgent need for you to discuss with these children with a view of finding out how deep the hurt you inflicted on them really is. To get them to cooperate, best you begin by apologising to them; neglect every pride of being their mother. It won’t work with them at all. This is partly because they have in their own way replaced you in their hearts. They have found another mother in your friend who appears to be quenching their longing for a mother figure. Plead with them for understanding and be careful not to betray your emotions or the reason you have suddenly found them to be important to you. The danger of them knowing why you are soliciting for their support is better imagined than experienced. The heart of a child can be very rigid especially when they know that what you denied them could easily have been given. You maybe their biological mother, but if you haven’t given their feelings any consideration, ignored them while you gallivant around the world in search for one lucrative business or the other, learn to tread softly in your bid to get them back on your side. Bury your so called sense of betrayal and bitterness. You are not in a position to bargain since you drew the first blood by your non-challant attitude towards them. Beg them including bribing them with your presence, gifts and time. Make out time to take them personally to school, if they are still young, take them out to places of their choice. And if they are young adults, engage them in a very frank talk devoid of bitterness against their father or your friend. Let them see the desperation and determination to make things right between you and them. Admit your mistake; it is the only way to get heady teenagers as well as young adults to listen in this kind of situation. As for your friend, you caused whatever is happening in your home. She merely took advantage of your carelessness with your own husband and children. In the first place, you were more concerned about having her to care for your home than the issue of her troubled marriage. As a good friend, you should have done more in the area of settling the issue between her and the husband; instead, you encouraged her to come in place of the house-help that left. To be truthful, you were the first to betray her. A good friend would never take advantage of the friend’s predicament. You took undue benefit of her situation to exploit her trust in you. Though it doesn’t excuse her sleeping with your husband, but you are to blame entirely for the whole episode in your home. She came to you because she wanted a pair of understanding shoulders to lean on, someone to help her out of her travails, to hold her hands while she recovered from the disappointment of a bad marriage. Being a woman, you more than anyone else should understand her vulnerability at that time; she came to you because you were the only one she could trust but instead you made her your house-help while you went about your business. Sincerely, both of them may not have set out to hurt you by having an affair. An innocent gesture of compassion on the part of your husband may have led to this complication. Don’t also forget that your husband too has issues with you; has been suffering from neglect. It couldn’t have been easy for him all the while you placed business before his needs and desires. You made it clear from the choice you made that money and not his happiness mattered most to you. There is no way this messy situation can be avoided in the kind of environment you created in your home. You unwittingly paired your husband with your best friend. To edge her out, stay more at home with your family. Also call your friend’s husband to sort things out between them. The earlier you did that the better for you all. Sex is very powerful. For an adult who is used to having sex at will, the best bet is to remove temptations from the way of such an adult. If you fight your friend over the affair between her and your husband, you will not only be empowering them to continue but prolonging the situation in your home. Presently, your family doesn’t have anything to lose if you decide to go because you haven’t always been there for them but you have a lot to lose if they continue with the affair. This is that time in a woman’s life and marriage when she ignores her true nature for the sake of her home. you have more knowledge of life than those children who are simply giving vent to their anger against your neglect of them. By the time in dawns on them that they are in the camp of an enemy, a lot of things would have gone wrong. It is that danger you must protect them from by preventing a situation where your husband and friend will be too comfortable in each other’s arms. Take the step of sacrifice by going to see her husband and making peace with them. Don’t broadcast what happened between your friend and husband to avoid ill conceived advices. Learn to keep your dirty linen inside your house. There is no successful marriage without a supreme sacrifice. All of you are guilty and need the grace of God to navigate through this stormy water. You and your husband need to forgive each other to have a happy home once again. Good luck.

Should I drop her or continue the relationship?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have been very close to you through your column. I consider your solutions to be very useful, practical and well appreciated. I am a single man of 36 years of age. I lost my only relationship of eight years two years ago; since then, I have been searching for another lady to settle down with. I must confess it is becoming very difficult for me doing this at my age as well as with my status. Everywoman I come across knows I am looking for a wife. They pretend to be good, but sooner or later, I discover the duplicity in their character. In March last year, I came across this young lady. I have since then tried to be close to her, never hiding my desire to have her as a wife. The first time I met her, I asked if she had any existing relationship with any man. She told me she had a two-year-old relationship with another man. I asked how close they were and if they had any plan to marry. She told me that although they were close but the man hadn’t proposed to her. At that point, I decided to go ahead with the relationship. I later proposed marriage to her. She neither rejected nor accepted my proposal. Instead, she said we should maintain the status quo since she hadn’t made up her mind to marry yet. I tried to convince her that at 22, and a 300 Level student in the university, she didn’t have any excuse not to think of marriage. I did everything within my powers to meet her needs. I made sure she didn’t lack much. In addition to the gifts, I made sure I was there physically. Still she didn’t change her mind. I also didn’t attempt taking her to bed because I wanted her to know how much I really care for and serious with her. At some points, my friends started mocking me as well as suspecting my claims to being a man. They thought I should have long taken her to bed. Towards the end of last year, I slowed down with her and we lost contact, but I confirmed that she and the other guy were still dating. Recently, I called her again and we started talking. Agatha, I have made it clear to her that I want something more from her. I want marriage or nothing. Please, do I still keep the contact with her or forget her and seek another girl ready for marriage? Albert. Dear Albert, It should be obvious to you by now that this girl isn’t interested in marrying you. She didn’t deceive you into thinking she was. You are with her because you want to be and not because she is giving you any encouragement to spend money on her, care for her or be there for her. Telling you she has a boyfriend in her life is enough to tell you that you will never become who you so much want to be in her life. Chances are she sees you purely as a friend in her life, one she can do without, hence her refusal to get in touch with you when you didn’t call. Admitting she has a boyfriend she is very close to and refusing to accept your wedding proposal absolves her of any blame whatsoever. The thing now is for you to get serious with your own life. In your desperation to marry, you are opening yourself up for pains, hurts as well as more disappointments in life. Give her up and plan for your own woman. The only way you can do that successfully is to forget completely the disappointment of your doomed relationship. Stop feeling pity for yourself and forget whatever reasons the other woman gave for the failure of that relationship. There is nobody without the story of heartache. Disappointment is associated with happiness. They almost partner each other. The only way to manage disappointment is not to dwell too much on it else it would be difficult to move on to other things. Doubtless, the pains of that disappointment would never really go away especially as it involved eight very good years of your life, but go on you must in life. By refusing to act desperately, you take away the power of any woman to hurt you. Take your time to study the woman you want to marry. From your experience, there are mistakes you made before which you must avoid at all cost. Just as there are no perfect situations, there are no perfect beings. Admit to your own mistakes in that relationship with a view of ensuring you don’t fall into the same situation. Where you have to be firm, please do so, and where you have to bend backwards do so also. As the leader of the team, you must at all times be alive to your responsibilities to earn the respect of those you lead in this case, the woman in your life. Rest more on God to avoid another grave mistake in your choice of a life partner. When in haste, it is always best to lessen your speed limit to prevent a fatal accident. Relax and take your time to get the right woman to share your life with. Marriage is not about how early but how well. Good luck.

How do I confront a cheating husband?

With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extra-marital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun, would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is seeing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time, women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure, are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God-given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at any time given him reasons to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time, those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what is your reaction to the complain? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pin-point your own faults, work on them with a view to making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are often his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. If you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married, hence free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often times, women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extra-ordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not to be in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that ***juju*** is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate him to a position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all times and what would always tilt the scale in your favour even when he goes out. Good luck.

How do I approach a lady

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, It’s always great reading the advice you give to people, and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue eating me up. I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in this life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem. I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused whether to marrying a graduate like me, or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, There is nothing in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not. Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side, a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lacked the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover who you are, get into pranks like all children do, the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing. To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know who you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want, only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship. To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality. In this package is contained temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first. Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood. A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are. Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy. Good luck.

She got pregnant for another man while I was abroad

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I had a girlfriend who affianced herself to me. She gave me her body, love and her soul. She also made me promise never to disappoint her. I in turn, promised to love her with my whole heart. She told me of her past relationship and how the boy didn’t treat her well. She also told me that she was still a virgin; I didn’t want to take it away from her even when she offered it to me. I stopped at kissing and romancing her. I thought it was the reason she left her former boyfriend. I was also a virgin. I didn’t have a girlfriend before I met her. I love her and have kept my promise to her. She wanted us to become lovers but I disagreed because I wanted her especially to come of age. I traveled out for two years and by the time I came back, she already had a baby. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I felt very disappointed because of all the promises we made to each other; including me not having a girlfriend while out there. The problem now is that she wants to come back as soon as the baby is old enough. What should I do? Bothered Guy. Dear Bothered Guy, What manner of woman would leave her little baby to follow another man? No matter how young or in love she is with you, the moment she agreed to sleep, get pregnant and have a baby for another man, she forfeited every right to the relationship she had with you. She has made her choice, don’t get involved with her again or at least she is absolute about her relationship with the father of her child. But, whatever made her sleep with this man and have a baby for him should make her stay in the relationship with the man. She is no longer single, she now has responsibility to other people especially that baby who needs the love and attention of the mother. You are no longer under any obligations to her. Whatever promises you made to her have been invalidated by her decision to get involved with another man. She cannot blame you for whatever decision you made on this matter. Allow her be. This is not to say you cannot be a friend to her. The fact that she made this choice doesn’t mean both of you should stop being friends. Her only blame here is that she didn’t trust you enough to have kept faith with the promises you both made to each other. The fact remains that not everybody has the resilience to cope with long distance relationship. That you were able to cope doesn’t mean she can. For this reason, don’t condemn her. Perhaps at the stage you left her, her body chemistry was ready for the ultimate; once a woman’s mind has been tuned towards that goal, it takes the grace of God to stop her from agreeing to the first available man. You lost her the moment she offered you herself and you declined. Leaving her at the time she was most susceptible worked against every good intentions she may have had. She may not have done it to hurt you but that doesn’t mean you should in any way encourage her to leave the father of her child. For now she needs a friend, the kind she can rely on and who in turn will always be by her. Encourage her to be a good mother to her child and to be true to her man. Under no circumstance must you try to encourage her to leave her responsibilities to her child and man to follow you. As for you, follow the leading of God for you. If He actually wanted the both of you together, she would have waited for you. Good luck.