Re: My daughter and I are pregnant for the same man

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to start by commending your gift. My respect for you increased after reading this story. In your shoes, even though I am a pastor and counselor, I would have dismissed it on receipt of the letter because of its annoying content. I really bless the name of God for giving you the wisdom and maturity to attend to the emotional needs of people. Don’t ever be discouraged if you are not getting anything from the people you have helped, including me. God will never neglect you for this selfless service to mankind. Back to the issue of Rita and her daughters who are both pregnant for the same man. It is unfortunate. Rita should have known better than to keep her affairs away from her home. Even if divorced, she should, at her age, carry herself with certain measure of decorum. Her male friend should never be a regular visitor to her home for the simple reason that she has young girls who are already matured. By virtue of the fact that she has custody of the children means her husband and his family has some measure of trust in her ability to manage the children. If they thought she was incapable, I am sure her husband would have taken steps to take the children away from her. Also, there will always be those who think her exit from their family is good riddance and would be waiting patiently to prove to those who are in support of her that she is bad news any day. Unfortunately, she has walked into the trap of “didn’t we tell you that this woman is bad news? Didn’t we tell you to take the children from her; that she will, given her antecedence be unable to give them the right training?” It isn’t an offence for her at her age to desire the company of a man. It is what we were all created to do on earth. No matter the age of a man or woman, the ancient need to be close to a member of the opposite sex will never cease. So, on this score, she didn’t do anything wrong. But like you said Agatha, a deeper look into Rita’s lifestyle shows a worrisome trend, which unfortunately is not limited to her. More and more women are placing unnecessary value on sex than the things that are right and good for them. That her two daughters could sleep with her boyfriend with the knowledge that the other was doing it with the same man, is indeed a planned work to teach her some lessons in morality. From the ages of these children, they weren’t too young to be ignorant of what transpired between their parents, especially the reason for the divorce. Although she didn’t state the reason she and her husband went their different ways, if accusation of infidelity was one of them, this incident has only complicated issues for her in the sense that her daughters will never be able to relate to her as a mother. Therefore it goes beyond finding solution to the pregnancies. Rita, go with what Agatha said about making peace with your daughters. Definitely the elder one knows where the junior sister is and united in further embarrassing you on this matter. Agatha has said it all; forget your pains and solve this problem the only way a good mother knows how to bring her family together. They are your children. Your husband will only come back to claim them if they are good but will forget about them if they turn out bad. What father would want to claim a child who got pregnant for the mother’s boyfriend? As a man, I wouldn’t because it is an abomination. Not even my pastoral training would make me friends with such a child. If the child were younger and was raped by the man, it would have been a different story but when a grown up woman of 28, decides to do such a thing, then it becomes forbidden. How can mother and child be rivals? Indeed the world is coming to an end. In my opinion, both of them should keep the pregnancies. But the daughter should vacate the house for her mother. She is old enough to take full responsibility for her actions. Rita should have the child and learn to love it like she once loved her father. It is the only reasonable way out of it instead of insisting on her daughter having an abortion. Dear Rita, Why did you go for a married man in the first place? They are bad news for a single lady. (From your letter, you have been divorced for more than a decade, met this man a year ago, and “being married, we meet in my place”). It is normal to crave companionship after being divorced for so long but you should have looked well before leaping. You even trusted him with your home keys… As for the pregnancies, I would advise you to keep the pregnancies but not the babies. You can even travel out to have the babies before your states become obvious to non-medical observers. Give them up for adoption at birth and rebuild your lives. Abortion can lead to infertility or death and the innocent babies should not be sacrificed for the sins of their father. Foluso.

How do I terminate love for her?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thank you for the kind assistance you render to people and I pray your labour of love would be rewarded here on earth and the world to come. I had a girl I was dating during my school days, but the relationship was not based on love, but lust. Before I knew the inherent danger of such a relationship, she had aborted twice for me. She is currently undergoing her Higher National Diploma (HND) programme, while I am working with one of the biggest banks in Nigeria. I am also an HND graduate. I read secretarial administration. There is this lady I was once interested in but undue to my unserious attitude I lost her. Way back then, I knew she liked me but I just couldn’t be bothered. However we are together now and frankly speaking I have found peace, joy, and love in her. She is an SSCE holder. She has written the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination severally without success hence her decision to go to a catering school. The main problem now is, I have decided to settle down with this lady but I have a girlfriend in school, who has introduced me to her parents as well as her pastor. To make matter worse, I am the first man she has brought home to her parents and family. She is 26. In fairness to her she has not offended me in anyway. It is just that I find so much peace and joy being with this other girl who is 24 years of age. I know from my responses on the phone, the one in school knows there is something wrong but I haven’t been able to tell her I have made up my mind to terminate the relationship with her. Agatha, how do I tell her of my intentions to end my relationship with her? What do I do? I love the second girl with all my heart. My parents are worried and afraid not knowing what I am doing. I plan to get married next year, but how do I discharge the school girl? I don’t want any curse in my life in the future. Please Agatha, I really need your help. Everyday, I pray for God’s intervention because marriage is a more serious business than many think. I don’t want to be like Samson, John Wesley, and Solomon, who despite their greatness were destroyed by the women in their lives. Agatha, please tell me how to tell this girl in school who would be coming home soon that I am no longer interested in continuing the relationship with her? Maxwell. Dear Maxwell, It is always better to err on the side of honesty than to err on the side of deceit and lies. There is no contesting the fact that your school-based girlfriend would feel bad about this development in your relationship, but having deceived her enough, be very bold enough to tell her the truth concerning the status of your relationship with her. That she has introduced you to her parents and pastor, should not stop you from telling her the truth about your new feelings towards her. It is only when you both derive joy being together that your family would be happy. Her family would only support a union that guarantees the peace and happiness of their child. Having made up your mind to marry this other girl, it would be pointless to continue to hold on to someone you admit isn’t giving you the type of happiness you want. Your conclusion of being happier with another woman might not make complete sense to her, given the fact that at one time you gave her the impression that she was the most important woman in your life, but it should not stop you from dealing with the situation you have both found yourselves in. She deserves your unconditional apology because you betrayed her by going outside your relationship with her to commence something new with another woman. It doesn’t matter if this second woman is giving you so much joy or not, what is important and crucial is your disloyalty to your school-based girlfriend. What you should have done from the beginning was to have first terminated the relationship with her before going into this new one. In a way, you have also been deceiving this other girl who probably thinks she is the only woman in your life. For you to have made up your mind about marrying her, the relationship must have been on for sometime. How do you think she would react if she gets to find out that while you were giving her all the promises in the world, part of your heart was in the bank of another woman’s heart? You have unwittingly dug for yourself a very delicate hole which you need tact and very clear honesty to firm up. It is for this reason you must urgently deal with this situation before you lose the one you love in the process of being afraid to face up your past. Since there is nothing that can compensate for the truth, begin by confessing to your present girlfriend first. She, like the other girl deserves to know the truth. You may not see the need to tell her, but it is important she knows because should complications occur in your handling of the other woman, you will need the support of your woman to move from the point you are in now with the other woman. But if you don’t tell her and she gets to know when the matter has become completely messy and out of hand, it would be difficult for you to get her to support your move and story. By then she might not be interested in hearing your story as she would now. Besides, hearing it from you would lessen the pains and sense of betrayal that come from hearing such things from a third party. Naturally she won’t be happy knowing that all along, you have someone else in your life but knowing what it has cost you to tell her the truth, she would forgive you easily and stand by you should the other lady decides to make his desire to end the relationship difficult. After securing the support of your girlfriend, call for an appointment with your school- based friend to tell her everything. Begin also by first apologising to her and giving her assurances that she hasn’t done anything to warrant you leaving her for another woman. This point is important to free her to be able to love and trust another man. Make the reason for your choice very clear to her. Let her know that much as you would have liked to be with her, the reality of your feelings for her and your comprehension of what the marriage institution stands for make it difficult for you to continue with her. And that even if you force yourself to marry her as planned; the possibility of you giving her the type of marriage and life she deserves to be completely happy as a woman is nil because the inherent joy and peace she needs to function in your life and home would never be there from your end. She may not readily understand and appreciate what you are trying to pass on to her but over time, when the pains of what appears now to be betrayal subsides, she would be glad you took the bold decision to leave her. To make sure you are heading for a peaceful and happy marriage with this other woman, there is still the need to further subject your choice to the approval of God through fervent prayers because there is more to getting married and remaining married. Good luck.

Pressured into marriage, now I can’t cope

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626 Dear Agatha I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in a relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me. I finally got employed and I’m in my second month on the job. She later resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place, she told me about her past. From her story, she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desires to settle down as time isn’t on her side. At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding. She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me. We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her; she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meager salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later. Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month. I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church. Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship will be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do? Troubled Soul. Dear Troubled Soul, Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroads because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices. Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy. While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather, it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union. You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were on unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony. If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed planning. The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not being firm at all. Every man that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused; with that comes the determination to put his woman in check. Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby, who will suffer if any rash decision on your part is taken. For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will. That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you, unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home. Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning. Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter. Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her, what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you. To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occurred between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this, it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier to resolve. There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her. When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind. You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails. In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is a tyrant

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though she pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make the attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me, that particular food isn’t eaten in her family. The worst thing is that my husband would come and not say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to them to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am all on my own, begging them to even like me a little bit. But it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate at least a bit away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of his family treatment of me, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And from the looks of things, it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom decided to build his personal home few inches away from the family house. My sister-in-law is over 30 years of age stays in the house. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way but, a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about, lack of insincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must during your courtship days, have done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then, were willing to play along, means that if you really put in more efforts into this marriage, you will come overcome the battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with very elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow at the end of the day to it. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-n-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating the excesses of every friend, relations and the negative side of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing the situation you are in to survive this marriage. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or force him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. If you are deep, you are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood and the joy of every mother is be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life caring for. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion no woman can resist feeling. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will defeat the situation as long as you have the right attitude to life. Your husband’s headship of his home didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all those close to him. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they have on ground. You and your in-laws are like two combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you, your motives as well as your thoughts towards them just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges within his family he should not experience at all. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The trick is to device a means outside nagging or complains to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have-you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, let him see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance your desire to make him leave the family house could come as wishful desires. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. Until you leave the house, where you can, avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you get to cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.

He appears stingy

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column and must commend your good work here. Do keep it going. I am actually writing on behalf of my friend who needs advice. But first I need to know this: must a guy be presenting a girl with gifts before he can be said to truly love the girl? Also, do you think that two people having a distant relationship may end up getting together in life some day? Well, my friend has this guy abroad whom she has not met before but has only seen through a picture. They have been talking on phone for over a year now. The guy says he loves her and she also feels she loves him too; obviously she misses him terribly and thinks of him all the time. But what she doesn’t understand is why the guy has not bothered sending her anything at all since they started this distant date of theirs. She, however, says that the guy tells her he doesn’t have a well-paying job over there, is trying to survive and see a way to come back to the country so they would get married. But personally I feel that irrespective of how hard things are for a guy, he can just try to present the girlfriend with some gifts to show he cares really. Honestly, I do not know what advice to give to my friend as she pictures having a future together with this guy yet she complains that the guy has not sent her anything. On certain occasions, she pretended to the guy that she had no money and the guy told her that she should stop working so he would know that he is working for two and would then start sending her money. Agatha, please how can you interpret this? Fine, the guy might not be stingy but does that depict love in any sense? And he goes on all day telling my friend that he loves her dearly and can’t wait to get back to be with her. My friend says the guy tells her that since they started talking, about 13 months ago he has not met any other woman sexually because he loves and respects her. And he also asked God to give him the grace not to mess with any other woman whenever he finds one he wants to marry. Please, could you say that the guy is being honest here as a man? Help me advise my friend as I want her to move on with her life rather than wait for this guy whom she feels she obviously loves. And she is worried as to whether the guy would be able to take care of her needs irrespective of the fact that she is able to take care of herself financially. Concerned Friend. Dear Concerned Friend, Three is always a crowd in any relationship. No matter how noble your intentions are, constant interference in this relationship isn’t healthy at all. If care isn’t taken, you would be ruining this relationship between your friend and her boyfriend. Step aside and allow both of them make their mistakes. Also, you must avoid a situation where you and your friend would quarrel over this matter. Yes, you have every right to be concerned but there are limits. Your friend is in love and from experience; it is the wrong time to try to convince anyone to be careful. Don’t discourage them. Allow them be. The danger of you insisting she leaves him may boomerang on your friendship. Overtime, she could begin to wonder and rightly too what your interest really is. You have told her your fears; allow her make her mistakes because it is through those mistakes she can learn to cope with life’s challenges. Your role as a friend is to be there for her always, not discouraging her from being in love with this man. Love can happen in unexpected places and situations. If both of them are able to manage the relationship and build on the confidence to make it work, it can irrespective of what you think. Doubtless, distant relationship has its drawbacks but a lot depends on the couple involved. First, they must have an understanding of each other as well as appreciate the risk of living apart. Problems come when the couples live on idealism, pretending that nothing can go wrong. The truth is, couples that stay apart face a lot of temptations in their relationships. Although those that live together too face the same challenges but the risk of extra marital affair is higher in distant relationships because there are days when the body chemistry is too strong to resist. This is where commitment and sense of responsibility to one’s spouse comes in. This is also the point where trust plays a vital role. Both of them need to talk openly about this vital issue and she must have the trust to believe what he says. If he says he hasn’t slept with a woman since meeting her, until confronted with evidences, it is in her interest to trust him and give him all the encouragement he needs to be on the right track. When a woman refuses to have confidence in the words of her man, she creates crisis for herself; sometimes as serious as the man forsaking whatever good intentions he has to make the woman happy. Until your friend is confronted with evidences of this man’s irresponsibility, it would be wrong to say he is lying. She has to learn to trust him on little things first. To distrust him is to call to questions the sanity of her feelings. At any rate, she knew this man lives abroad, must have put into consideration this salient fact before agreeing to a relationship with him. No matter how smart the man is, if she is able to get him whenever she calls, picks her calls no matter the time, she must learn to trust him a little bit. She can only worry when he is unable to pick her calls at a particular time, gives excuses for not picking her calls at odd hours, insists he does all the calling that she can suspect him of any thing. As for being stingy, it is a simple matter of what is important to your friend. In the first place, what is her motive for going into the relationship? If she is comfortable financially why is she lying about needing funds for something when she really doesn’t need it? Is her choice of this man based on the fact that he lives abroad? Before you can accuse this man of being miserly, there must be enough proof that he indeed has the money and is not ready to give her. Chances are that she may actually be better off financially than this man. The fact that he lives abroad doesn’t mean he automatically controls the vault of that nation. Relationship is also about understanding where the other person is coming from. That a man lavishes gift on his woman doesn’t mean he is in love with her. It could just be infatuation, lust or other emotion that isn’t love. He could also be refusing to send money to find out if she indeed is in love with him or only interested in his money. Like it is difficult for you to trust him, he could also be suspicious of what your friend feels for him. Your friend has to decide what is important to her, his money or his trust and friendship? They are not talking about relationship here; they are thinking of a lifetime journey together. Hence the need for her to be careful about the values she plays up. If he is a struggling young man, honest enough to say he doesn’t have excess cash to throw around, she has to make up her mind whether this is good enough for her or not. If money is her motivation for this relationship, she shouldn’t pretend about it. From all indices, this man may not be her man but if her intention is to marry him out of love, she must learn from this early stage to make the required sacrifices to solidify the foundation they are both planning to put up. It is also imperative you step aside for this couple to fuse, make their mistakes and learn from these mistakes. Good luck.

Help! Married, but pregnant for a married man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 30 years of age and married with four children but have never enjoyed sex with my husband. Before we got married, I told him about it; he was unhappy and angry with me but when I realised I was pregnant, we decided to get married. But recently, I have been seeing another man who is very good in bed; he satisfies me and he is the perfect size for me. I am deeply in love with him. He is equally married and claims to be in love with me but I am not really sure. I am four months pregnant for this man and have tried to have an abortion but all the four doctors I consulted are of the opinion that it is risky for me to do it. They say I might lose my life in the process. The man wants the baby but each time we are together, he is always on the phone with other ladies. But my feelings for him remain the same. I love him dearly but I don’t want to leave my husband who is also very much in love with me. But I am cheating on him. What am I supposed to do? Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, You are wicked. What manner of woman, wife and mother are you? Do you understand the meaning of love or what a marriage entails? Love isn’t selfish and self-centered. Love isn’t sex only. It takes much more to be happy in a marriage. Why did you agree to marry him in the first place when you knew from the beginning he wasn’t good enough for you in bed? Being pregnant wasn’t enough reason for you to marry him when you already knew that he will never be able to measure up to your requirement in the bedroom; knew that sex mattered to you than anything in life. It would have been better and more honourable for you to end up a single mother than the disgrace, pains, embarrassment and betrayal that you are about to visit on this man; whose only offence is to have married you. What is your definition of pleasure? You went into your marriage with your eyes wide opened; had the experience of his ‘size’, knew the limits he could go and what measure you could give. A responsible woman would have since learnt the act of helping her husband improve on his performance. Sexual satisfaction is relative. Some come from the actual act while a major part of it comes from one’s understanding of the whole essence of lovemaking. Only an infant concentrates understanding on the actual act of sex. A more matured woman knows that there is a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from the lips and fingers. What he lacked in size you would have steered him to make up for in other ways. The fact that you didn’t know how to step in to help his shortfall and aid your marriage recover from whatever problems you have polluted it with, underscores your selfishness as a woman and your lack of understanding of your role as a wife. If you have had four children for a man you claim isn’t satisfying you in bed, how many children will you have had for him if he were satisfying you? Isn’t there more to marriage than sex? What kind of story will you tell your children when this whole thing becomes public knowledge? If your daughter comes to you with this kind of messy story, what will you tell her? Even if you must have an affair, why didn’t you use protection? You cannot be said to be ignorant of the consequences of a man and woman sleeping together without protection. So why did you allow this man into your body without any form of protection? This tells the story of a total lack of respect for the man you have four children for as well as a total disinterest in your marriage. No matter how good the other man is in bed, you forgot you owe your image and children some measure of decency. It is quite unfortunate. Why didn’t you tell your husband if the issue bothered you so much? Between you both, you would have been able to work out something that will help you both come to a perfect understanding of your persons. In all honesty, there is no easy way out of this mess. You cannot pass this pregnancy off as your husband’s. Even if you plan to, the other man is already aware of being the father of your unborn child. He has a right to come and demand for his child anytime he deems it fit especially as he has expressed a desire for you to have the baby. What a man can get away with in marriage, a woman cannot. While this man can afford to bring a child from another woman into his home, you cannot do it. It is unheard of. Besides, you are a married woman; how can you be pregnant for another man? What kind of example are you setting for your children? Why will this so called boyfriend of yours respect you, when you don’t value yourself? What were you expecting; that he will honour you and cherish you for having an affair with him outside your home? That he will marry you or what? No man wants a woman he cannot trust. The fact that you are in another man’s house, a mother of four and having an affair with him, is enough for him to form a terrible opinion about you. Even if you become single today, you are not the kind of woman this man will feel comfortable to marry because you are just as capable of being unfaithful to him as you are with your current husband. Every man wants a certain measure of security with the woman in his life. Besides, there is no vacancy in his life for a woman like you. He is married and only enjoying what you have offered him. For all he cares, you are cheap hence can call several women in your presence. Men shield only women they treasure from the knowledge of their affairs with other women but cannot be bothered with women they have little or no regard for. In the opinion of the man, you are no better than the women he is constantly on the phone with. If you, a married woman, can have an affair with him and get pregnant for him, why should he pretend you are the only fling he is having? You stepped out of your home into his arms because you of what you think he has. The truth is when he is tired of you, he will walk you out of his bed. As for the pregnancy, you should have thoroughly thought about all your options when you decided to have this affair and, do it without any form of protection. Pregnancy isn’t something you can hide. You have to decide what you want to do urgently. But don’t be tempted to pass off this child as your husband’s. You may get away with it for the time being, but God has a way of exposing such acts. You have made one major mistake; don’t make another by following what you think is the easy way out. Consider the other children whose paternity you will be calling to question if your husband later finds out about this child. He may not be reasonable enough to conduct DNA tests on these other children before rejecting you and them. And even if he does agree to have the tests done on them, what about the children you will be subjecting to these embarrassing tests? Do you think you will ever be able to recover whatever little respect they have for you when they find out who you really are and how your insatiable quest for sex is denying them of respect and acceptance in some quarters? Do you know what harm you will be doing to your daughters should this matter explode on your face? While I have never supported divorce or separation on this page, I make bold to suggest you bow out of this marriage before you destroy your husband more than you have already done. He doesn’t deserve a woman like you. You will only be destroying him further and for another woman if you stay longer than necessary in this marriage. Since you are pregnant and unable to abort the child, coupled with the fact that this other man is asking you to keep it, use the little honour you have left to quit on your own. If your husband, at the end of the day, tells you to stay, that he will be able to live with the knowledge, at least let it be his decision; not yours to make. We are not equally gifted with the grace to forgive; what one man can tolerate, another one won’t. Just hope you have learnt from your mistake. Good luck.

I found condoms in her bag

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been dating my girlfriend for close to four years. We are very close and I have plans to marry her because she has the qualities I admire in a woman. But for Sanusi’s banking revolution, we would have got married in June this year. However, we are still planning for January next year. But something happened of recent that is making me reconsider my stance. Although she had tried explaining the incident but I am not convinced at all. Three weeks ago, she wasn’t by her bag when her phone kept ringing. She was in the bathroom so I decided to take the phone to her since the caller appeared desperate to talk to her. In the process of removing the phone from her bag, an opened packed of condoms fell from it. I initially didn’t notice it in my haste to give her the phone but when I came back to the room to pick the item that fell from her back, I was shocked to see it was a packet of condom. Since meeting her, I have never used a condom with her and don’t have any in my house. Two sachets were missing from the packet. I decided not to read too much meaning into it until she came out of the bedroom. I could sense fear in her the moment she saw what I was holding in my hands. She tried to bluff her way through it by asking what I was doing with a packet of condom but seeing the look on my face, she quickly changed her strategy and began to haltingly explain how she came about it. From her explanations, the only thing that I could grab was the fact that it belonged to her friend; that the said friend whose face I haven’t come across in my four years with her forgot it in her bag. When I demanded to know how her friend could forget such incriminating thing in her hands, she said it was in the process of their discussions and that the two sachets that were missing were taken out by them when they were having funny discussions women usually have about men. Ordinarily, knowing how witty she is and having listened to some of the things she and the friends I know say about men, I could imagine the things they could say when they were all alone. She and some of her friends are capable of saying anything about just anything. That I can handle because it is one of the things I cherish about her. But why I doubt her is the identity of this so-called friend. I have never met her and I can say categorically that I have met most of her friends. This is what worries me. The identity of this friend! Although I tried to discreetly ask the friends I know with her if they could recognise the name of this friend. Her two very good friends claimed she was one of them and that she resided in South Africa, hence her absence from their scene. I am trying very much to believe them but you know how friends are, always in the habit of covering up for each other. I am very disturbed about it all. I haven’t discussed this with anybody for fear of making a fool of myself. I am the one that deflowered her and still trust her. But Agatha, I don’t know what to believe: her words or the evidence in my hands. I love her so much. Please help me! Ademola. Dear Ademola, It is quite dicey but you just have to go by what you already know of her. Sometimes not all the evidences we think we have are real. In some cases, they can really be wrong and misleading. If one is not careful and of a discerning mind, a lot of things would have missed target before one realises where the mistake is coming from. To help you out of this, go back in time to what you know of her. Has she ever given you reason to doubt her; think she could be involved with another man? Do you think if she is that, she would place such evidence in her bag, a place she knows you have access to anytime? Women who cheat are not that careless. They are too smart to be caught; however, to convince yourself that you are not being taken for a ride, insist on speaking first with this friend. Without prior warning, ask her to dial the number of this friend of hers that you want to speak with her. Her reactions to this simple request would give you clearer picture into the game she is playing. If her story is true, she won’t hesitate to allow you speak with this friend and tell her what the packet of condoms she left with her is causing in her relationship. I sense a fear deep inside of you, the fear of not wanting her to know that you are capable of feeling insecure. It is your right to feel insecure when confronted with issues in your relationship that you don’t understand. It doesn’t make you less of a man but more of a human who can feel what every person who is in love feels. Let her know how that incident affected you as well as its likely consequences on your relationship. She has to understand the breach of trust that incident has caused to happen in your relationship. Once you are able to ascertain that the friend is real, forget about the incident. Love has a way of healing every wound in a relationship. But if she still hesitates to allow you meet or speak with her, know there is more to the story than she is telling you. At that point, demand for honest explanations from her, insisting it would be best she tells you the truth no matter how much it would hurt you than for you to find out later; that by then it would be impossible for you to consider any plea. After this you can take a decision on what is best for you. However, entrust everything to God and allow His will to be done.

My stepchildren don’t want me in their lives

Dear Agatha, I got married to a married man four years ago. I don’t know what happened between him and his wife but he agreed to marry me with my three children from a previous marriage. But from the day we got married, his children never liked me. From their attitude, it was clear that my children and I weren’t wanted in that house. Whenever my children wanted to watch a particular film, they would insist on watching another channel. When I also shared food, they will complain I wasn’t giving them enough; that my children’s share was more than theirs. In the beginning, I tried to ignore them but it got to a point I couldn’t take it anymore. Besides, my children too couldn’t tolerate being told what to do and how to live anymore in the house. My eldest daughter, who naturally is temperamental, took on the eldest of my stepchildren. The children naturally queued behind their own sibling. Out of anger, I also took sides with my children, warning my stepchildren that from that point, it was going to be tit-for-tat. Going down memory lane, I knew it was wrong but I wasn’t thinking straight that day. My husband was away when this incident happened but his children told him everything that happened including the position I took. Rather than listen to my side of the story and the reason for the position I took, he called my children to warn them against fighting his children in the house. That really got me angry. I felt very hurt and humiliated. From that point, I devised a means of relating with his children. I ensured that my children got the best of everything. After a while the children stopped complaining especially when the eldest went back to school. The other two, being twins left for the university at the same time. I noticed they weren’t coming home regularly as before. They would come, spend only a night and leave again. I didn’t bother to ask even though I knew I should. Since none of his family members supported his decision to marry me, I wasn’t expecting them to visit so was not surprised when none of his people ever came to visit us; not even the birth of my daughter brought any of them to the house. Their attitude didn’t bother me one bit. I noticed too that my husband’s attitude started to change towards me. Without explaining why, he stopped paying my children’s school fees. Whenever I went to him for their school fees, he would always give me a reason for his inability to pay. I soon got tired of going to him. Even when the children stopped going to school, he didn’t bother. But, whenever I wanted anything for his child, he would give me without complaining. Now his children are insisting that their mother comes back to the house. What more, his family members are also in support of his former wife coming back. Please help me. I don’t want to lose my home. All my overtures to his children have failed as they insist on their mother coming back to their father. He paid my bride price. What do I do? He married the other woman in court and weren’t formally divorced. Modupe. Dear Modupe, As long as he didn’t formally divorce his wife, you are married to another woman’s husband whether he paid your bride price or not. By right, the house belongs to her. And now that she and her husband appear to have sorted out their differences, you cannot stop her from coming back. It is you that has to decide what you want to do; either to stay or quit the house. But you can be rest assured that whatever decision you take must go down well with the first wife and her children. Although you cannot be blamed for marrying this man given the fact that he was without a wife when you both met; but from your narration, you are to blame for the things happening to you now. You didn’t behave as a woman who wanted to last long in this house or desired happiness for the people you met in the house. If you did, you wouldn’t have started with fighting the children in the family. In the first place, you and your children came to upset the routine of the children in their home. You came with your children to destabilise their relationship with their father. If they behaved in ways you didn’t like, more than anyone else, you should have understood their feelings and disappointment at the whole development. Having you in their lives was bad enough; coming with three children couldn’t have been tea party for them. Before you came, they had their father and everything in the house to themselves. Nobody told them what channels to watch or not to watch. You shouldn’t have gotten yourself involved in the battle of supremacy by the children. You should have allowed all of them sort out their differences in their own way by telling your children to respect the wishes of your stepchildren. A wise woman would have done everything to make her husband’s children happy by showing them true love; the kind they needed at that time to be happy. Encouraging your children to come and destabilise these children in their father’s house was a very wrong move, one that portrayed you to these children and their father as a wicked stepmother. If their father took you in with three children and was paying their school fees, what would it have cost you to be nice, accommodating and supportive of his children? Having accepted you and your children into his home and life, he expected you too to be a mother to his children; not fight or deny them of their rights in their father’s house. If things were that easy and simple, you wouldn’t have brought them to live with you in another man’s house or allowed him to pay their fees. Taking on the responsibility to care for your children was his way of telling you to be a mother too to his children. The moment you failed to do that, you destroyed not just his reason for marrying you but also that of looking after your children. The moment you umpired a fight between your children and his children in the way you did, you killed the dream that could have been between the two of you. You also unwittingly made him rethink his options especially as they will affect the future of his children. If you can encourage your children to fight his children in his house, then there is no telling what you will do to his children should anything happen to him. Sincerely, your actions told him all he needed to know about the kind of person you really are. Therefore, the decision to reconcile with his former wife may not be as a result of pressure from his children or family members but from your own haste to eliminate his children. No man wants to sleep with fire on his roof. Frankly, there is nothing you can do at this point beyond discussing his decision concerning you and your baby in the latest development. The native law marriage is the easiest to dissolve. It is a matter of going to your family to tell them he is no longer interested and to demand for the bride price he paid on you. When you had the chance to endear yourself to the children, you didn’t. There is no way they will align with you against their mother. When issues get complicated like this, the best approach is to be prepared for the worst: you being asked to go. If there is a way you can get to your ex, get in contact with him to train his children. It is his right to train his children. Good luck.

I want to marry another woman to hurt my wife

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am so angry and bitter that my wife of over 30 years betrayed me. I am over 50 years but my wife’s betrayal and lies have reduced me to tears and I am finding it hard to reconcile the issues involved. I have been abroad for about twelve or more years trying to raise money to provide good education for my six children and maintain my family. I have been able to see three of my six children through university education and the remaining three will be out in a year’s time. All these years I have been away, I call my wife and children weekly and send their monthly upkeep. It happened that one of my daughters got pregnant while in the university and even failed to inform me. Each time I called and hear the cries of a baby, I always ask my wife whose baby was crying. She kept telling it was the neighbour’s baby left in her care. This lie persisted for four years; not even when I moved them to Lagos did she tell me the truth. Even her sisters joined in keeping this information away from me until one day, I sensed something was wrong somewhere. I insisted on knowing the identity of the crying baby. She eventually broke down in tears to tell me that the baby actually belonged to my daughter. I cried for what they did to me. Up to this moment, she has not volunteered information concerning the identity of the man involved. The information I have concerning the incident is coming from my children. According to them, she dropped out of the University for a year even though I was sending her school fees. My children apologised for keeping the information away from me. They said they were scared of what I would have done. They also said the man is doing his best to provide for the child and that he has severally objected to my being kept in the dark about the existence of the child. I do not know this man and he has not spoken to me but has been communicating with my wife. They christened this child without my knowledge, it’s painful. I have forgiven my daughter and have sent her back to the university. But, I want to get back at my wife for hurting me badly so I want to take a new wife. I promised to continue to look after her but I have no more feelings for her and I am planning to take a new wife who will be honest and trustworthy to me. I need your sincere advice on what to do but remember I have forgiven her for the sake of the children. Besides, our children are all grown up. I don’t think I can trust such a woman in my life again. Till now, I do not know her reason for doing this to me because she has said nothing to me but am still sending her upkeep allowances and have forgiven my children but won’t ever forget the incident. Please tell me what I should do with this kind of woman. Angry Husband. Dear Angry Husband, A lot of things don’t sit right about your story. Money isn’t the solution to everything in life. Leaving your family for more than 12 years in pursuit of financial benefits has its disadvantages. Had you taken time out to come home intermittently to visit your family or delegated some members of your family to visit them, you would have known precisely when your daughter got pregnant and had the child. The fact that your immediate family also maintained sealed lips about the matter underscores a concern that you may have stayed away for far too long to be consulted over certain matters. When a man leaves his family for the number of years you have left yours, so many things are bound to go wrong with his placement and ranking in the family. Sending money monthly and calling them every week isn’t the same thing as having you around or you coming home once in a while to put things right. When a head of the family decides to make another man’s land his homeland, leaving his family in the hands of a woman, this is the kind of situation he has to put up with. Your wife first and foremost is a mother; who understands the implication of telling her husband, she hasn’t seen for several years that his daughter is pregnant. A combination of fear and dread of not knowing how you would react; could have stopped her from saying anything. For all she knows, you could decide not to send her and the children money again as form of punishment for the sin of the one that got pregnant. Besides, there are certain things that don’t come out right on the phone, no matter how well one tries to make it sound right. Telling you the daughter you expect so much from; has built a dream around, has decided otherwise may not be as easy as it appears. First, is the conclusion you would come to, about her style of leadership in the home. Your pains and disappointment may make you overreact to the extent of grouping her alongside her daughter. What if you decide not to answer her call after receiving the news, how is she going to get around the obstacle created in your relationship by this distance? And have you also bothered to know how she has coped without your help raising six children including boys? It couldn’t have been easy for her to have maintained decorum and sanity as a woman and mother. Like every woman in her shoes, she must feel bitter, angry and dejected at her status as a grass widow. Her reason may just be total anger at her situation. Anger and disappointment, at having to live like a widow, when she as a matter of fact, has a husband. Besides, it is queer that nobody in your family or among the friends you have here told you about your daughter’s condition. This means you too aren’t without blames of your own. Granted your wife was wrong not to have told you but what about your family members and the friends you have down here? Why the conspiracy of silence from all quarters? Rather than blame your wife alone, ask yourself why your family members and friends also kept the information away from you? While not supporting the decision of your wife not to inform you about the incident, your resolution to take another wife will, given the nature of your marriage, be seen by your family and friends as pre-planned. There is no way you could have remained faithful, a celibate all these years. There must have been those occasional women or woman that takes care of your emotional needs. That you are thinking of marrying another woman based on the excuse of your wife not telling you about your grandchild, maybe be viewed by those close to you as ploy to give legality to one of the affairs you have been having all these years. If it were just a matter of your wife not telling you about your grandchild, surely, you can forgive her? There is no marriage without its rough side; slips and accidents. Doubtless, she made a very grave error but taking another wife isn’t a solution. Sincerely, this would have been a perfect time for you to come home and personally attend to affairs in your home and marriage. This kind of issue isn’t what you can sort out on the phone; if you cannot come down to the country, can’t you send for her? This matter is beyond the issue of your daughter’s pregnancy and baby. It has more to do with your marriage than the matter you are playing up. How can you leave a woman for 12 years and expect her to be happy? There is no way she will ever have the kind of peace of mind she had when you were leaving her. Inside her mind are a cocktail of questions, begging for answers. Like you, the years apart have toughened her, given her a new perceptive to life which only your presence can correct. Having lived on her own all these years, taking another wife won’t make much difference to her since you haven’t been a husband to her in the real sense of the world for more than a decade. Money and phone calls are not what make you the husband of a woman or father to children. Your presence matters a lot. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. For instance, how have you occupied your free time? Can you in all honesty say you have been faithful to her: that you have not hurt her in anyway? What assurances do you have that your new wife won’t misbehave if she is made to live like your present wife? It takes two to destroy a marriage just as it takes two to build it. You can only be happy at the end of the day if you are honest enough to face the real truth concerning your marriage. Your decision to hide behind a finger will only cause more problems for you in life. Good luck.

Should I declare my love for him?

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a 33 year old single lady. I have this friend who is very close to me. We share everything in common. We met while we were at the university. He was a year my senior. Since the day we met at the university, we have remained firm friends; have gone through several heartbreaks together and rallied behind each other during such moments. Everybody thought we were dating, including my roommates but they soon discovered we were just platonic friends. Every relationship we went into took cognizance of our special friendship and bond. Unfortunately for both of us, we are still single. He at 35, is still searching while at my age, I haven’t found the right man for me from among the many suitors I am getting. For me it goes beyond not finding the right person. I have found that special person, in my best friend. I love him with all my heart which is why no other man interests me. His friend, who is very close to both of us once told us to stop deceiving ourselves and hurting innocent people by agreeing to relationships we know won’t work. He told us to our faces that we are both too much in love with each other but are either too stupid or blind to notice. I have noticed Agatha, that without him, no other man that will ever be good enough for me. He is currently not in any relationship. All our friends are married. We are the only ones left. My elder sister who is my best-friend and in the know says, I should end our joint nightmare by telling him how I feel about him. There is no doubt we are close but how do I tell him that l love him? I don’t want anything that will end our relationship at all. I rather, we remain friends than not have him in my life at all. I know he is very shy while I am the outspoken and daring one but, this is something I don’t even know where to begin from. Besides, is it right for a woman to approach a man for a relationship? Won’t he take me for granted after a while, think I am becoming desperate to even suggest such a thing? What would people say about us after years of denying that we are just friends? I am so confused because I cannot exist without him; I love him with every fiber of my body. He is not just handsome, a pure ladies man but an angel at heart which is why I wonder why none of the ladies that flock round him hasn’t been able to capture his heart. Though I am glad he is still single. Please help me Agatha to be happy. Susan. Dear Susan, People will always talk, so perish that line of thoughts from your mind. Don’t make what people will say a reason for you not to pursue your happiness if this is the man that will give it to you. These same people will blame you for being timid in later years, if he ends up marrying another woman. Also, don’t let what he would say bother you from telling him about your feelings for him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Your friendship over the years has given you the right and liberty to confide your feelings for him to him. The worst that can happen is, for him to turn down your request. Civilization has put paid to stereotypes that give men the exclusive rights to approach women; these days, women are approaching the men they like for relationships. Being your old time friend makes it easier; if nothing else, your boldness will help both of you put your feelings in the right perspective. One of you must take the initiative to help clear the dense air now surrounding your lives as a result of the many things you are both refusing to say to each other out of fear. It is sad enough that you are both hurting other people who really wanted something serious from the relationships they went into with the two of you. It would be more terrible to end your lives in emotional mysteries simply because you both lack the courage to face and tackle your feelings for each other. On the issue of him mocking your audacity to come clean with your feelings or think you are desperate, why should he? What this line of thoughts simply suggests is that you really don’t know this man after the many years you have been friends. More than anyone else, you should be able to vouch for him. Considering how long you have been friends, your opinion of him has in a way become the barometer others use in arriving at their conclusion of his person. If you are saying this of the man you call your best-friend, the most important guy in your life; then something is wrong somewhere. If you are both indeed friends, nothing about his thoughts and opinion should bother you at all. If he actually accuses you of being desperate, concur but let him know that it is that desperation to be free of the burden of your feelings for him that has made you come clean with your love for him. Let him know that your desire to have a man and home of yours is what is making you eliminate every situation that is holding you back. That, if telling him how you feel about him will give you the freedom to consider other men then, you don’t have any regrets. And that, being friends with him has given you the liberty to do just that; tell him you love him. Chances are that this man is also in love with you but like you, he is confused on how to go about it. This is one of the burdens friendship with an opposite sex places on the friends involved-fear to tell the other person when feelings change from platonic to something deeper. Real fear of losing you, of you accusing him of taking you for granted maybe what is stopping him from taking the bull by the horn. From the many cases I have seen, when a man and woman are as close as you both are, the onus is always on the woman to make the first move. This is because the man has become too fond of the woman to risk allowing his feelings destroy their friendship. More often, respect for the woman stops a man from declaring his love for his female friend. He rather sacrifices his happiness by marrying another woman, he isn’t in love with than risk losing the friendship of this female friend. Besides, there is nothing dogmatic about life. What works for one person may not work for another person. Simply because majority of women get proposed to by men doesn’t mean you should ignore the tiny minority of women who proposed to their men and are today glad they did. Don’t neglect the possibility of another woman bolder than you, doing what you don’t want to do. However, there is another way you can get him to open up to you by asking him playfully what is keeping him from proposing to one out of the many women that flock around him. He might also throw it back at you. Answer him by asking him if he would marry you since he appears to be the only man left in your life. Through this kind of jokes both of you will eventually have the opportunity to really talk and reveal the secrets you have both been keeping from each other. This method, in addition to eliminating the fears you have of the propriety of proposing to him; will make it easier for both of you to embrace the reality of your situations. Frankly, he may not even until that point realize the reason for his inability to accept another woman into his life. The question maybe just the nudge he needs to put his feelings into proper perspective. Some of us are so slow to realize the truth even when it is looking us right in the face. Use your wit and boldness to make things happen for both of you; remember it can’t get worse than it is. It can only get better since discussing your feelings will make your options clearer and more definite. Good luck.

My mother is kicking against my happiness

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me find a solution to my problem. I am 34 years of age. Three years ago, I lost my fiancé to a terrible accident along Ilorin-Abuja road. It was a very terrible time for me because I was three months pregnant at the time of the accident and my wedding five days away. I lost the pregnancy and a will to live. But as God would have it, I bounced back to life two years ago when I met my present boyfriend. He took away all my pains and sorrows. He gave me back my life. Again, I am pregnant for him; actually four months and his people are ready to pay my bride price. This time it isn’t an accident that is trying to rob me of my happiness. Rather it is my mother who is kicking against my happiness. First she says, she won’t allow my boyfriend pay my bride price and that she won’t allow me marry him. According to her, she doesn’t like his family, especially his mother in addition to not liking the appearance of my boyfriend. My father died last year so there is nobody to check the excesses of my mother. My elder sister cannot talk to her because she isn’t married. Each time she tries to talk to my mother about the issue, she ends up being insulted by our mother. None of my uncles and aunties is willing to get involved in this matter because of my mother’s sharp tongue. I would have gone ahead with my decision to marry my boyfriend irrespective of my mother’s position but she placed a curse on me that any attempt by me to ignore her feelings would result in death for me at child birth. She is insisting I terminate the pregnancy to give her the opportunity of looking for a suitable husband for me. I decided to run to you for assistance after the pastor I went to for help said, my mother is behind all my problems; that she swore before her fellow initiates that my elder sister and I would never marry because of the way my father treated her in their early years of marriage. According to my pastor, my mother has never been able to forgive my sister and I for taking after our father’s mother in looks. She also cannot forgive our father for always being on the side of his mother against her. As far as I can remember, my mother has always hated my elder sister and I prompting both of us to ask our father when we were children if she was really our mother. Agatha, I am desirous of your help because all the places I went to say I won’t get another man to marry me if I allow my present boyfriend go; that he was sent to me to take away my pains and sorrow. I am helpless. Please help me because she is making life unbearable for me. My boyfriend is also threatening to make trouble if I do anything to harm his unborn child. He says, he hasn’t denied being responsible for my pregnancy so I don’t have any reason to terminate it. The pressures are becoming too much for me. Henrietta Dear Henrietta, There is nothing or no human being as powerful as God. The God that brought this man into your life will give him the wisdom and determination to stand by you. Difficult as the situation you are in is, learn to trust God. Don’t fret because your life is in His hands. Parents are simply custodians, not the real parents of the children they helped to bring into this world. This is why He doesn’t give any of us the chance to choose our families or the homes we are born into. If it were possible, many of us won’t come through the parents we came through or our homes and families. God who knows our beginning and end, who created us all for a purpose has the prerogative of this choice and His reasons are only known to Him. Surely, He made you for a purpose, which you must achieve before you die. That child you are carrying inside of you also has a reason for coming into this world. Therefore you don’t have the right to terminate that child since you are only a custodian. God could have decided to use another woman as a channel to bring that child into this world; he decided on you for a reason best known to Him. To end that child’s journey on account of your mother’s desires would be provoking God’s anger. Would you rather please your mother and offend the God that created you both; destroy an innocent life to avoid your mother’s unjust anger against you and your sister? What you need now is the confidence and assurance that He is up there and in charge of your affairs. He has the power to ridicule the mighty and elevate the weak. Once you have absolute faith in Him, nothing is impossible for Him to do. If He can change the story of Jabez, who was cursed by his mother at birth, there is nothing He cannot do. As for your mother, continue to respect her because she is the vehicle God used in bringing you into the world. For this reason, she deserves your respect any day. Perform all your duties to her as a child to her. Forget whatever anybody says about her; as long as she didn’t kill you when you were a child, she cannot kill you now. Once you play your part as a good and responsible child to her; accord her every respect she deserves as your mother, you would have conquered whatever negative plans she has against you. But if you allow what your pastor told you to influence your judgment, decision and attitude towards your mother, you may unwittingly damage a situation good wisdom and friendly disposition on your side will remedy. If it is true she placed a curse on you, cry to God. Once you are convinced of His presence in your life, it is only what He permits in your life that will happen. It isn’t normal for a woman to die at childbirth. Remind Him of his covenant of life. There are a lot of women who have faced your kind of challenge but who are today mothers and alive because of the pact they entered into with God. Rather than worry and allow it to bother you, cry to God to put a smile in your life and heart. Losing one man to an accident and about to lose another one to your mother’s position cannot be His plans for you. Therefore enter into a strong relationship with God. Though trials will always come but none will defeat you because He will fight for you. Therefore, surrender completely to Him through prayers and conviction that He is your all in all. No matter how much of a monster you think your mother is, go and beg her. In the history of both of you, even if it is for a second, you must have shared some moments of happiness; this is what you should anchor your plea on when you go and beg your mother for forgiveness. Go to her at the middle of the night after praying to God for divine favour to beg for forgiveness for any real or imagined pains you must have caused her. Go with the kind of gift you know she likes. This is both a spiritual and physical battle. You have to fight it on all two fronts for complete victory. Don’t get up until she tells you the reason for her attitude towards you. To get her to talk, begin by making references to all the memories of your childhood, especially the ones that have to do with your grandmother and how you wished you could have been of help to her then. The idea here is to get her to talk. Often than not, most people operate on the principle of my enemy must be your enemy. If she thinks you are aligned with her against your grandmother, a lot of things will change about her attitude towards you. The important thing is to remove obstacles from your way. Once you are able to get her to talk, half of the battle is won. Cry, beg, cajole do whatever it will take for her to tell you why she hates you so much. Also ensure she prays for you. As for your man, continue to plead for his understanding and support. Assure him you will not touch the baby because it represents the love you both share. Also solicit for his help in winning this battle by telling him of your mother’s position. At 34, you are no longer a child so you need to be more assertive about the things that have to do with your life. Good luck.

My sister-in-law’s alliance with our neighbour surprising

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, This problem doesn’t concern me directly but it will affect my sister if it eventually blows up. It has to do with the sister to my sister’s husband and our neighbour. About three weeks ago, I came back home from an errand my sister sent me to find our flat locked. I didn’t find the key where we normally leave it so I went downstairs to ask the security man if my sister’s sister-in-law left the key with him. He replied that she hadn’t come down all day. As I was going back upstairs to knock harder on the door; thinking she might have slept off, I saw her and the married man opposite our flat kissing at the top of the stairs. They quickly disengaged when they heard my steps. I pretended not to have seen them in order not to embarrass both of them. Besides, she was a lot older than me. When I tried to question her about what I saw, she shut me up with a slap; telling me to mind my business. She also threatened to deal with me should I tell anybody about her affair with the man. I am however bothered because of the problems that will occur should the wife of the man find out about the affair. Other neighbours may not notice because we live in one of the top flats and share the same passage. Once everybody is out of the house, she moves into this man’s flat. I don’t know what he does for a living, but he is home most of the time. His wife leaves the house as early as 6.00 a.m. and comes back very late. They have only a child, a five-year-old son he takes to school in the morning after which he comes back home. I’m scared. My friend I told about the incident said I should alert my sister about it arguing that I am aiding and abetting her to destroy another woman’s home by my silence. I am so very confused about it. Please help me. I am 16 while she is 22. What should I do? Derin. Dear Derin, This is something you can handle on your own without involving your sister or her husband. Since she has decided to use force and threat, there is nothing stopping you from doing same in getting her to listen to your opinion. But you must get this clear; it is her life hence she has a right to do whatever she wants to do with it. Your interest in her life begins and ends with the implication on your sister and family should the man’s wife discover that her husband is having an affair with her. Explain to her that if the affair had involved someone else, not known to the family, you wouldn’t have bothered with what she does with her life. Make it clear to her that the next time she slaps you on account of her relationship with this man, you will have no choice but to inform your sister and brother-in-law about the affair she is having with their neighbour. Let her understand that you are not trying to pry into her affairs but to stop everybody being embarrassed by her conduct should the affair blow open and becomes public knowledge. Make her understand that it is one thing to be in an affair with a married man and another matter entirely for the affair to be going on in the woman’s matrimonial home. Ask her how she would feel if she is the other woman? How would she feel going out to work all-day and coming back home to the knowledge of another woman sharing her husband right in her home? She may not want to listen to you but make her understand the gravity of what she is doing not just to herself but to the entire family that may be forced to move houses as a result of the scandal that normally follows such a situation. If she fails to listen to you, you may have no choice but to tell your sister about it. Telling your sister will free you from the guilt of not telling her as well as the burden your knowledge of the affair between both of them has placed on you. By then, it would be the decision of your elder sister to confront her sister-in-law or inform her husband about the affair going on between his sister and their neighbor. As for you, mind your business and concentrate on the business that brought you to your sister’s house. To pry too much is to distract yourself from that thing most important to you in life. If at the end of the day, you don’t think you want to be fingered as a gossip in the whole episode, try to ignore her completely. Good luck.

I caught my husband’s mistress on our matrimonial bed

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My marriage is less than two years old. It has been very difficult but since I made the choice to marry my husband, I have kept struggling to keep my home. I really don’t want to describe my husband as a lousy and very deceptive man but I discovered this few months after we got married. I dare not go back to my parents because my mother, from the very beginning, didn’t want me to marry him, so will not even listen to me let alone sympathise with me. To complicate things, his family members too don’t like me. Once he beat me up in the presence of his mother and all she did was look on. Her excuse was being too weak to separate us when the pastor came to settle the rift between my husband and I. I have kept pretending to my siblings that all is well with my marriage. My younger sister who is very close to me is the only one privy to what is going on in my home. She is helping me keep my secret because I asked her to. But the recent development is beyond me. I came back from spending a week with my family to discover another woman in my bed. He wasn’t expecting me on the day I came. For reasons I cannot explain, when he called the morning of that day I decided to come home to ask when our daughter and I would be coming back, I told him it won’t be until two days from the day he was calling. However, while I was sleeping that afternoon, I heard this voice that instructed me to return home that day. I had to wait until my mother came back before moving. We got home at about 9 p.m. to the scene of his girlfriend reading on my bed wearing one of his boxers.’ The lady said she isn’t aware of his marital status because he gave the impression that he is single and that he shares our flat with his sister. Can you imagine that he passed me and the baby off as his sister and niece? After apologising for the situation, she packed her things and left but not without heaping curses on my husband for what he did to both of us. Now he is begging for forgiveness and has practically sent the entire Lagos to beg me but the truth of the matter is how can I ever forget the image of another woman on the bed we both share? How can I let go of the knowledge that this man is capable of denying me and his daughter? I don’t know which hurts the most; referring to me as his sister or the woman he brought to my matrimonial home. To be honest, he disgusts me. To think I once loved him beats my imagination. Don’t know how I can handle this. Faramomi. Dear Faramomi, What is love? Is it not a tangle of the intricate and fragile? There is no good love story without scars, sacrifices, pains and frustration. The dance of love isn’t the rose-coloured honey laced images, we see or hear; far from it. The colours are drab and ugly. Only situations like you are going through really bring out the shine and brilliance of it. That is when its true strength and character come to the fore. Yes, your husband is cruel, wicked, insensitive, lacking in respect and honour but the question here is, do you still love him? The truth is, if you didn’t, you would have long left his life. That you took out time to compose and send this email to me shows that underneath all your pains and betrayals is a patient goldsmith willing to endure the extra heat to the most refined gold. Every married woman is a goldsmith. You cannot just walk away from your marriage on account of the challenges you are experiencing. At least, you got to meet your rival; some women don’t get to meet the other women until the products of such unions come of age and are battle ready to claim rights they have been brainwashed by their mothers to believing was denied them by the woman at home. Some women even get to know about their husbands’ other families at his death when the children and their mothers begin to come from different directions. At least, you now know of the possibility of him having a child outside his home so be prepared for the worst. It is the best way to overcome disappointment in life. Because life itself has no guarantees, you must find it in your heart to forgive him and let go of the memories of his betrayal else you risk making a very fundamental mistake. The reason for this is simple; no marriage or relationship is without a price to pay. From what you said, I guess you are a young woman. There is no way you can stay off sex if you leave him now. No matter the grudge you feel against men on account of your husband’s behaviour, a time would come when you would crave for the comforting arms of a man around you. Chances are the men that will be available will be married men. This means you will invariably also be guilty of the same accusation for which you ended your marriage. And if you decide to date only single men, the ones you will come across will not only be younger than you but out to milk you of your money and respect. In addition, you may want to marry again. What assurances do you have that the next man won’t be worse than your present husband? One thing I have come to learn about life is that only the faces of the actors change; their lines and delivery never change. Life is a funny mix. What makes you guiltless today may condemn you tomorrow. Today, it is the turn of your husband to be accused of recklessness, if you fail to apply wisdom to this complex case; you risk denunciation some years down the road. Ask those whose marriages are today being celebrated for the real stories behind their marriages. You will be surprised at the amount of sacrifices it took the women to make their marriages work. The stories won’t be different from what you are going through. Your experiences are what real marriages are made of; not the kind of romantic stories we read in romance novels. What you should appeal for now is sometime away to enable you put things in proper perspective. If you can afford it, apply for your annual leave to enable you distill your thoughts properly. Despite all I have said, you need to heal first. It is the only way to give your best once again to your dream of being together with this man. Look at your reasons for marrying him against the support of your family. Something very powerful must have influenced your decision to ignore your family’s position; you really need to dig that thing up for this marriage to move beyond this point that your differences have stationed it. Once you are able to remember your basic reason for agreeing to go with this man; it will be easier for you to forgive and forget the hurt you have suffered at his hands. Good memories are good balms for every sharp emotional pain. Such memories will dilute the anguish of your present experience. Besides, this is the time for you to negotiate your terms of staying together; ensure his friends and family are part of this agreement. Above all, learn to pray more. God is always able to do all things. Good luck.

My wife lied about everything

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My marriage is barely six months old but, I am already finding it very boring having sex with my wife. Although I don’t want to go into details of what transpired during our courtship for decency sake as well as out of respect to the vows we took but, suffice to say, my first night with her was a huge disappointment. I discovered she lied to me about almost everything. I won’t lie, I have had my fair share of experiences before meeting her. I can tell when a woman has been around or has had a baby. From what I discovered that night, a lot of water has passed under her bridge. Being from a strict Catholic home, coupled with the fact that my mother’s favorite aunty introduced her to me, I know without being told that divorce is out of it. I have therefore decided to bury my disappointment and go on with the marriage. But it hasn’t been easy because each day, I stay with her, I discover more and more lies. I am finding everything about our marriage very irritating. I told my father everything. He said, he would respect any decision I make given the fact that she lied to me. Despite this, I still think I should give the marriage a chance; to discover like you often say on this page, her inner qualities. Six months on, it is one disappointment after the other. She is dirty; so dirty that she doesn’t bother to flush the toilet after using it. I have scolded her without any results; I had to relocate to another room because I wasn’t brought up that way. Since the house was beginning to give off offensive odor, I had to employ the services of a house-keeper to take care of the house. Until the house-keeper came, I couldn’t go near the kitchen for fear of throwing up. Agatha, I waited until 39 years to get married. Now it seems all my waiting has been in vain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel any excitement for her as a man. I thought my marriage would end all my years of night crawling but it seems it won’t. Although I haven’t gone outside my marriage, I fear that if things continue like this, I will. I am asking for help on how to end my nightmare. I have refused to discuss anything with her since that night of our first intimacy. Please Agatha, help me. Alex. Dear Alex, Obviously, trust has been bridged somewhere. It is not always easy to overlook the fact that one has been lied to. It is more painful when that person is someone close and dear. Often than not, the pain of such betrayal, never goes away. I can only guess she lied to you about being a virgin. She may have told you that when she met you to earn your respect but became extremely difficult for her to change the story when you showed signs of staying permanently in her life. While not trying to find an easy bed for her to fall on, the reality is, she was afraid to tell you the truth after all she told you at the beginning of your relationship. Unfortunately, the truth came when it was too late for you to do anything about. Therefore the issue now, is not how to undo the lies she told you but, how to move your marriage from the position her lies have stationed it. To help you come to a realization of how to proceed, ask yourself these important questions; how did you feel when you thought she was a virgin? Deep down was it one of the major considerations you pushed forward when making the decision to marry her? Having played the field and with the kind of experiences you admit to concerning women, wasn’t it possible that deep down certain things about her behavior and mannerism told you she lied about being a virgin but, which you decided to ignore because you wanted to marry a virgin? In retrospect, don’t you think you deliberately ignored those signs that broadcast her experiences because you wanted to believe her lies? Isn’t it possible too that the many things you are complaining about now wouldn’t have mattered if you met her a virgin? Would you have been patient to teach her how to maintain your home and warm your heart? Are your grievances not mere excuses to pave way for whatever future plans you may have to end your marriage? Sometimes we magnify situations more than they really are when angry, upset, disappointed or determined to have our way. Your wife may not really be as bad as you have painted her but, being very disappointed with her, angry at the series of lies she told you, you could have blocked your mind against all her efforts and positive sides. Until you are ready to bury your disappointments, you will never have the clarity of mind to properly tackle the issues in your marriage. Knowing your church will never support or approve of you divorcing her, why not address the issues in your marriage like a man instead of hiding under your disappointment to find faults with everything that your marriage represents? Given the kinds of lies she told, you have every right to be angry with her. But what you don’t have the right to do is to keep quiet about your observations; the law of justness kicks against it. Every issue that comes up in a marriage must be discussed irrespective of whether it is palatable or not, to enable the offending party know where the error is. Ideally, you should have discussed the matter with her the moment you discovered that she wasn’t a virgin. Refusing to discuss the matter with her meant you accepted her claims as true. Six months after living with her as her husband, there is no way you can convince anybody that you didn’t meet her a virgin. It is her words against yours if the matter ever comes into the open. The question she and others will ask is, why didn’t you point out the obvious that night? Whatever your reasons were for keeping quiet that night are wrong. And since you didn’t bother then to confront her, it is either you forget it completely and give your marriage a chance to move beyond the point you have placed it through your own cowardice to act as the man when you should have. If you choose to discuss your observations with her, be bold enough to come clean with everything you think is wrong. For instance, if you suspect she has given birth to a baby before, ask her and let her explain everything to you. To get her to open up to you, don’t be confrontational. Begin by asking her why she lied to you about being a virgin. From there, go into other things like her poor housekeeping and attitude. There is no marriage without a problem or that is perfect. Perfection comes with a lot of sacrifices and difficult choices. There is nothing stopping you from making this marriage a happy one as long as you can let go of the pains of your discovery. You won’t be the first man to discover his wife lied to him about being a virgin. A lot of women are doing that these days, telling men what they want to hear. It is bad, callous and deceptive but how are you sure the next woman won’t be worse than the one you are leaving? Life is a gamble. Who knows, by the time she is through with her story, you may have forgotten to be angry? Once you are able to forgive her, all the other things wrong with her attitude and manner will be sorted out by the two of you. Your marriage needs forgiveness to heal. Ask God for His help. Good luck.

Re: lion’s share of my father’s property.

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I stumbled on your piece and admire the manner with which you handled the issues that can jeopardize the future of Ese. Thank you for the counsel. What you told her is the truth. I wish I can reach her for us to share experiences. We have similar stories. My late father’s brother at the death of my father appropriated the building he jointly built with my father. He didn’t stop there, he went ahead to allocate their family’s only piece of land to his son. He also seized their mother’s building, jointly shared to him and my late father. He re-allocated the property to his children leaving us completely homeless. It was indeed a very difficult situation but I left everything to God not withstanding, the kinds of advices people were giving me. To the glory of God, the story is different today. I have built my own house. My siblings are also property owners; both developed and undeveloped in very choice areas of Port-Harcourt. They are also doing very well in their various endeavors. It is a thing of joy that we didn’t allow my uncle’s action stop us from seeking our dreams. We were focused and pursued our aspirations. We are today all graduates, pursuing for second and third degrees respectively. His children on the other hand are wayward. Maybe if I had pushed too hard, he would have eliminated me like he threatened to. Ese should leave them and move on with her education so that she can be a formidable force after graduation. My uncle today is impressed by our success and has been finding ways of reconciliation. I have forgiven him but we don’t need him or anything from him. So Ese, should run for her dear life and listen to what you advised. Lawrence.