With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a reasonable man that has a bright future but got married to an ungodly wife determined to ruin my life.
It took me a while to notice that she isn’t the person I thought she was. This is because her mien is innocent and gentle. However underneath is a very volatile person, one people close to her try so much to avoid.
To cut the story short we are separated. She actually ran away with our children.
If I don’t part with money, she won’t allow me see my children.
What pains me the most is the fact that she isn’t taking good care of the children. I want to enroll the eldest one in a good school but she is refusing my request.
Agatha, what can I do now because I am fed up with this woman? She isn’t hiding the fact that she plans to injure me whenever I come near my children. My children are my future; my family members have tried their best to settle the matter but it was in vain.
I need your assistance. Please help me by giving me the best way to solve this problem. I am too young for this problem and don’t know how to handle this. I don’t want to die untimely.
Bode.
Dear Bode,
This matter has gone beyond your family alone. Her family must be involved in this matter too.
Besides involving her family, you must also be truthful to yourself. Granted she may have her faults but there is no way she could have done it alone.
Somewhere along the line, you may have done one or two things to provoke her reaction.
When issues get this complicated in a marriage or relationship, the best approach remains dialogue.
Given the attendant bitterness and trading of blames that accompany every troubled marriage or relationship, you won’t achieve any success if you insist on discussing anything with her on your own. She is still hurting just as you are and only time would help both of you heal sufficiently to come to an agreement that would suit you both.
To insist on her listening to you in her present state of mind is to drive a wedge further between the two of you. Irrespective of what you currently feel about each other, the presence of the children makes it inevitable for both of you to continue to relate as friends.
You may have decided to live your lives separately but resist allowing your soured feelings get into the way of the welfare of the children. You can forgive each other but those children will never forgive you both if they end up becoming the victims of your troubled marriage.
For this reason, you may have to stop forcing her to allow you visit the children. Presentation matters a lot. Your current approach maybe the reasons she is resisting your request. Both of you are still too raw to be able to deal with seeing each other.
Understandably, a lot of things went wrong while you were living together as a couple. The fact that both of you lacked the patience and determination not to allow your differences and disappointments tear both of you apart, be careful these same factors don’t make your children your enemies eventually.
Whether you or she likes it or not, both of you cannot continue to ignore the presence of each other. A time would come when you would need to create the avenue for discussion because of the children. The way you handle your current impasse would determine how far you go in getting that cooperation from her.
The reason being she currently has the children living with her. To the outside world, she is the one who has been traumatized and is forced to run for safety. Even though you say you are the victim, not many people would believe you.
Going to her to insist on seeing the children would ultimately lead to a major disagreement between the two of you and that would definitely work against you. How many people are you going to try to convince that she is the real problem?
For this reason you have to be tactical because what you think is her fault, others may see as her strength.
Besides, when it comes to marital dispute, nobody is ever blameless.
As a man you are to blame for being unable to understudy your wife, know when to ignore her, turn her negative side to her strength, grow the determination to be her friend and as such wean her of what you consider a threat to the peace of your home. The fact that you lacked what it takes to manage a woman with her kind of temper is itself a fault on your part. Selflessness and sacrifices are what make the difference between marital success and failure.
The kind of temper you say she has, isn’t the kind that can go unnoticed. You must have felt the heat of her temper during your courtship days. That you ignored it or had the courage to put up with it at that time without pausing to think of the long term implication of living with her kind of person, couldn’t have been her making. It was your choice and the ideal thing and way forward is to accept your own mistakes in the mess your marriage to her has become.
You should have realized that for those children to grow into the kind of persons you want them to be, they would need stability in your reactions to their mother’s temperament.
Being honest with yourself at this difficult juncture of your life would help you to put things in proper perspective.
It is the only way to let go of all the built up bitterness and tensions your marriage went through as well as provide you with the energizer you need to face your new marital challenges.
After speaking with members of her family and explaining what you want for the time being, seek the help of a mutual friend to be the in-between. This friend, apart from trying to appeal your case to her would be your witness in future. He or she would be able to answer for you when the children begin to ask questions concerning the efforts you made to see or get them.
This friend should also witness all the financial transaction between your wife and you concerning the welfare of the children.
If she isn’t taking care of them the way you want, get an accommodation for her, discuss the kind of school you want the child to enroll with her on the phone without making her appear inadequate or insensitive to the needs of the children.
Being their mother, she is naturally equipped to care for the children but this isn’t to say that if you notice things you don’t like, you should keep quiet. She has friends and family members you can talk to.
Beyond the issue of preserving the welfare of your children, there is also the need for you to rethink your options.
Isn’t there anything you can do to pull your marriage out of the woods? What lessons have you learnt from all these things happening by her packing out and the welfare of the children? Is there a possibility that the two of you can come back to make it work? What sacrifices are you willing to make?
There is always that point in our lives when we look back with regrets at some of our actions in the past.
In a decade from now, how would you feel about this woman and the decision to end the marriage?
Whatever you are going through, good wisdom demands you tarry to enable you think clearly of your options.
There is no one that is perfect. We all come with defective manuals from God. Marriage provides us with the support base to be near perfect. Couples are supposed to learn from each other. You are to help this woman overcome her weakness just as she is supposed to help you overcome yours.
Going back to your starting point would help both of you, especially you recall the important things in your union. She couldn’t have been this bad when you started out with her. If she has become absolutely bad, pause to ask yourself your own contributions to her present state of the mind.
Knowing where you went wrong would help point you at the solution. It would assist you to understand how much support you must give her to get the kind of results you need to be happy with her.
I say this because you aren’t sure what kind of woman you are going to meet after her. What if she turns out to be worse than this one you are leaving?
Even if she is ungodly like you say, there is nothing prayers cannot do. If you really trust in your God, these habits are things you can really pray out of her life. A lot of times we fight over things that can easily be resolved through prayers.
If you made a mistake marrying without first asking God, don’t make another one by leaving her without first seeking the face of God. It is very important to avoid huge regrets in your life later in life.
Good luck.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Should I intervene in my brother’s marriage?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have written to you about the challenges in my marriage in the past, and thank God for the advice you gave me. I followed it and although the problems are not yet fully solved, but I believe we are moving in the right direction. God Bless you real good.
I am writing you now because of my younger and only brother. I have never been very close to him and although I knew he had problems with his wife. Who hasn’t? I did not realise how bad it was until last week when I learnt that he had asked his wife of 19 years, who gave him five children, to leave the house. When she refused, he hit her and that was when she called me. When I tried to involve my mother, aunt, and other sisters, I learnt all of them were in agreement she should leave the house. If not for my intervention, her parents were going to involve the police in this latest quarrel.
I understand that they have not lived together as man and wife for more than two years now, and that my brother has accused her of adultery and insisted he can never have anything else to do with her. I am not holding brief for her because I know that a woman left for over two years without her man is open to all kinds of temptation. However, I do not support her leaving the house because I know that the moment she does so, another woman will move in and bring on all the problems of a polygamous home. Fortunately for me, she also is adamant to leave.
I do not know all the details, but in conversation with a few of my siblings, they heaped all manner of accusations on her - some of which I know are true.
She is very arrogant and considers herself superior to her husband, she has a doctorate degree while he has master.
She does not keep the house well – both in the town and the village – being the only wife with my other sisters married and my mother away from the village.
She does not consider herself a part of the family after so long – she has never bought anything for the home in the village and all her income goes to her people.
She has exhibited some of these behaviours towards me, but being the person that I am, I overlooked them. And when she tried to come closer to me, I welcomed her not knowing it was because she had quarrelled with all the others that she came to make peace with me.
My own understanding of the problems is:
There is a very bitter rivalry between my brother and my mother who has been widowed for a long time and his wife. My brother is her only son.
My brother is not a Christian and his wife claims to be.
It is well known that people from her state consider themselves superior to people from mine. Also, as a general rule, they are also used to channelling all their income to their maiden homes rather than to their married homes.
She is by nature a very untidy/dirty person.
However, I am aware that it takes two to quarrel and that even I have had difficulties in managing my relationship with both my brother and my mother, because of our differences in ideology. In that regard, I understand that my sister-in-law may not have done the right things, she is also up against a daunting task in managing these two.
Considering that I am not close to my brother, I am not sure if I should intervene, especially as he has not told me, and that I do not know all the facts. Because of the bitter rivalry between my mother and my sister-in-law, I know my mother is the wrong person, to be fair, and that’s the reason I involved my aunt. However, it looks like my aunt is also towing the line of my sisters, having gone there once to mediate and coming away to tell me that our in-laws annoyed her by the way and manner they behaved. She said rather than try to mediate, they were giving conditions to my brother.
What I want you to advise me on is:
Do you think I should intervene even at the risk of getting a brush off from my brother?
If you advise me to intervene, how do I tackle this issue? What angle do I tackle it from?
Concerned Sister.
Dear Concerned Sister,
No matter the quality of relationship that exists between you and your brother, please intervene. From all that you have said, you appear to be the only person who has the right frame of mind to help your brother resolve this issue amicably.
Since you already know what to expect from him, refuse to be offended by him or his response to your efforts at making him see reason.
It would help a great deal if you anchor your intervention on the welfare of his children. Try to make him understand that whatever support as well as assurances he may be getting from your mother and other siblings that they would help with the children may not always be there because your sisters have families of their own and your mother will not be around forever.
Besides, as the only boy, his children are the only ones to carry your father’s name, hence the need to ensure everything is done by him to protect your father’s legacy. It is important he realises that the children are usually the ones that suffer most when parents are having problems. He must have a favourite among his children. It will help a great deal if you are able to enlist the help of the children, especially the one closet to his heart to present the case of your sister-in-law.
With the help of the children, you would at least succeed in making him listen to whatever you have to say. Don’t count on him agreeing with you on anything you say immediately. But it would help you assess how much damage has been done by both parties to the union and how best to salvage a very bad situation. It would also give you the right picture in your brother’s mindset.
For now, sidetrack your brother, aunt and mother. See how you can get your nieces and nephews first. Tell him of your mission and how they think you can get their parents to agree with you. Being insiders, listen to their views concerning their parents. In talking to them, you will see the full picture of the task before you. They would act as your middle persons in the task of bringing their parents together. Your talk with them will help you to establish the truth concerning this situation. There is no way they would all take sides with a particular parent against the other. No matter how divided the children are, by the time you listen to all five of them, you would get a near perfect understanding of what is happening.
Having them on your side would make it possible to talk senses into your brother as well a sister-in-law who also has to change if she hopes to stay in her husband’s house. It is one thing for you to convince your brother to allow his wife stay, while it is another thing getting her to change her ways. There is no way you can negotiate her stay if she insists her ways are the only one known to her. Having lived with your brother for 19 years, she ought to know by now those things that make him angry. There are sacrifices she must be ready to make for the sake of her home and her children.
This is one point you must make clear to her. Granted, she is up against a formidable opponent in your mother, but if she is wise and humble, she can overcome it. To help her to stay, it is pertinent she gives respect to whom respect is due. She is a mother and would one day become a mother-in-law. How would she feel if her daughter-in-law tries to cause a division between her and her son? Mothers-in-law are often than not huge problems in most marriages, but given their respect and dues, they can be contained. She must be ready to be more accommodative of your mother whose only son she is married to.
It is also important you get to speak with her family. Call the mother especially and appeal to her to ensure she helps her daughter stay in that house. Once she isn’t getting the right kind of support from her family, chances are she would settle down to make her marriage work.
Be fair to both your brother and her. Where you have to apportion blame, don’t hesitate it is the only way to make both of them see reasons.
Your brother has to understand that leaving his wife isn’t a solution but knowing where to draw the line between his mother and wife. He must understand that, even if his present wife leaves, the next woman may not be able to cope if the situation remains same.
If he insists she should go, ask him what he would do if it were your husband asking you to go? Don’t try to justify anything either of them has done to the other. The simple truth remains that no marriage is without its challenges. By sharing some of yours with them would further help them come to the need for both of them to talk, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
Once he sees your intervention as sincere, not meant to ridicule him, he will overtime come to appreciate your involvement.
To get the best out of these two, begin by asking to find out from them what the problems really are. This approach is to earn you their confidence. It underscores your concern as well as resolution to be fair to everybody.
Whatever happens, it is important you don’t feel offended by any of them if you really want to restore peace in this home. It is also necessary for you to talk to your mother. She too should allow her son make his mistakes and grow his marriage.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have written to you about the challenges in my marriage in the past, and thank God for the advice you gave me. I followed it and although the problems are not yet fully solved, but I believe we are moving in the right direction. God Bless you real good.
I am writing you now because of my younger and only brother. I have never been very close to him and although I knew he had problems with his wife. Who hasn’t? I did not realise how bad it was until last week when I learnt that he had asked his wife of 19 years, who gave him five children, to leave the house. When she refused, he hit her and that was when she called me. When I tried to involve my mother, aunt, and other sisters, I learnt all of them were in agreement she should leave the house. If not for my intervention, her parents were going to involve the police in this latest quarrel.
I understand that they have not lived together as man and wife for more than two years now, and that my brother has accused her of adultery and insisted he can never have anything else to do with her. I am not holding brief for her because I know that a woman left for over two years without her man is open to all kinds of temptation. However, I do not support her leaving the house because I know that the moment she does so, another woman will move in and bring on all the problems of a polygamous home. Fortunately for me, she also is adamant to leave.
I do not know all the details, but in conversation with a few of my siblings, they heaped all manner of accusations on her - some of which I know are true.
She is very arrogant and considers herself superior to her husband, she has a doctorate degree while he has master.
She does not keep the house well – both in the town and the village – being the only wife with my other sisters married and my mother away from the village.
She does not consider herself a part of the family after so long – she has never bought anything for the home in the village and all her income goes to her people.
She has exhibited some of these behaviours towards me, but being the person that I am, I overlooked them. And when she tried to come closer to me, I welcomed her not knowing it was because she had quarrelled with all the others that she came to make peace with me.
My own understanding of the problems is:
There is a very bitter rivalry between my brother and my mother who has been widowed for a long time and his wife. My brother is her only son.
My brother is not a Christian and his wife claims to be.
It is well known that people from her state consider themselves superior to people from mine. Also, as a general rule, they are also used to channelling all their income to their maiden homes rather than to their married homes.
She is by nature a very untidy/dirty person.
However, I am aware that it takes two to quarrel and that even I have had difficulties in managing my relationship with both my brother and my mother, because of our differences in ideology. In that regard, I understand that my sister-in-law may not have done the right things, she is also up against a daunting task in managing these two.
Considering that I am not close to my brother, I am not sure if I should intervene, especially as he has not told me, and that I do not know all the facts. Because of the bitter rivalry between my mother and my sister-in-law, I know my mother is the wrong person, to be fair, and that’s the reason I involved my aunt. However, it looks like my aunt is also towing the line of my sisters, having gone there once to mediate and coming away to tell me that our in-laws annoyed her by the way and manner they behaved. She said rather than try to mediate, they were giving conditions to my brother.
What I want you to advise me on is:
Do you think I should intervene even at the risk of getting a brush off from my brother?
If you advise me to intervene, how do I tackle this issue? What angle do I tackle it from?
Concerned Sister.
Dear Concerned Sister,
No matter the quality of relationship that exists between you and your brother, please intervene. From all that you have said, you appear to be the only person who has the right frame of mind to help your brother resolve this issue amicably.
Since you already know what to expect from him, refuse to be offended by him or his response to your efforts at making him see reason.
It would help a great deal if you anchor your intervention on the welfare of his children. Try to make him understand that whatever support as well as assurances he may be getting from your mother and other siblings that they would help with the children may not always be there because your sisters have families of their own and your mother will not be around forever.
Besides, as the only boy, his children are the only ones to carry your father’s name, hence the need to ensure everything is done by him to protect your father’s legacy. It is important he realises that the children are usually the ones that suffer most when parents are having problems. He must have a favourite among his children. It will help a great deal if you are able to enlist the help of the children, especially the one closet to his heart to present the case of your sister-in-law.
With the help of the children, you would at least succeed in making him listen to whatever you have to say. Don’t count on him agreeing with you on anything you say immediately. But it would help you assess how much damage has been done by both parties to the union and how best to salvage a very bad situation. It would also give you the right picture in your brother’s mindset.
For now, sidetrack your brother, aunt and mother. See how you can get your nieces and nephews first. Tell him of your mission and how they think you can get their parents to agree with you. Being insiders, listen to their views concerning their parents. In talking to them, you will see the full picture of the task before you. They would act as your middle persons in the task of bringing their parents together. Your talk with them will help you to establish the truth concerning this situation. There is no way they would all take sides with a particular parent against the other. No matter how divided the children are, by the time you listen to all five of them, you would get a near perfect understanding of what is happening.
Having them on your side would make it possible to talk senses into your brother as well a sister-in-law who also has to change if she hopes to stay in her husband’s house. It is one thing for you to convince your brother to allow his wife stay, while it is another thing getting her to change her ways. There is no way you can negotiate her stay if she insists her ways are the only one known to her. Having lived with your brother for 19 years, she ought to know by now those things that make him angry. There are sacrifices she must be ready to make for the sake of her home and her children.
This is one point you must make clear to her. Granted, she is up against a formidable opponent in your mother, but if she is wise and humble, she can overcome it. To help her to stay, it is pertinent she gives respect to whom respect is due. She is a mother and would one day become a mother-in-law. How would she feel if her daughter-in-law tries to cause a division between her and her son? Mothers-in-law are often than not huge problems in most marriages, but given their respect and dues, they can be contained. She must be ready to be more accommodative of your mother whose only son she is married to.
It is also important you get to speak with her family. Call the mother especially and appeal to her to ensure she helps her daughter stay in that house. Once she isn’t getting the right kind of support from her family, chances are she would settle down to make her marriage work.
Be fair to both your brother and her. Where you have to apportion blame, don’t hesitate it is the only way to make both of them see reasons.
Your brother has to understand that leaving his wife isn’t a solution but knowing where to draw the line between his mother and wife. He must understand that, even if his present wife leaves, the next woman may not be able to cope if the situation remains same.
If he insists she should go, ask him what he would do if it were your husband asking you to go? Don’t try to justify anything either of them has done to the other. The simple truth remains that no marriage is without its challenges. By sharing some of yours with them would further help them come to the need for both of them to talk, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
Once he sees your intervention as sincere, not meant to ridicule him, he will overtime come to appreciate your involvement.
To get the best out of these two, begin by asking to find out from them what the problems really are. This approach is to earn you their confidence. It underscores your concern as well as resolution to be fair to everybody.
Whatever happens, it is important you don’t feel offended by any of them if you really want to restore peace in this home. It is also necessary for you to talk to your mother. She too should allow her son make his mistakes and grow his marriage.
Good luck.
I’m a single mother in need of companionship
Agatha Edowomaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am an ardent reader of your column and I must say that you are a blessing to humanity.
I need your honest advice on this matter. I am a single mother of one; this is as a result of separation from my husband who eventually died before we could be reconciled.
I was separated from my husband for about three and a half years before he died. I didn’t have any other relationship with any other man until after his death.
I was a Christian before the tragedy. The pains of his death were so deep that I actually backslid and started dating a married man with the hope of becoming his second wife.
As God would have it, three years into the relationship, I became conscious of the mess I was in after certain things happened which gave me the strength to retrace my steps and break up the unholy union.
Since breaking the relationship, some other men have come and gone but I’ve not been able to make up my mind about any of them because of fear.
Then, sometime last year, a neighbour told me about her husband’s friend who lives in the United Kingdom who was looking for a wife.
According to her, she recommended me to him on the strength of my cordial relationship with her. She told me the man was eager to speak with me on the phone. At first, I rebuffed him since I didn’t believe in long distant relationships but, I changed my mind when we began to talk on the phone every night. I actually began to develop interest in him and hope in the relationship.
After a while, I discovered I could not sleep or go a day without speaking to him and all of a sudden his calls ceased and all attempts to reach him were fruitless. He neither picked my calls nor replied my numerous text messages or e-mails. I was really devastated. When I mentioned it to my neighbour, she was speechless and offered to call him but she never did.
Two weeks after, I decided to try his line and he picked the call but to my surprise, he sounded as if nothing ever happened. When I asked him what happened and why he wasn’t picking my calls, he said he just didn’t feel like picking any call that week. He also denied telling my neighbour to look for a wife for him but only asked her to look for a professional friend for him. I felt very insulted but not wanting to sound desperate I agreed to be his friend.
Now, he calls me whenever he feels like but any time I travel outside Lagos, he calls me every night with the intentions of monitoring my movement in the hotel.
I later got to know he was married before but that it didn’t work out. He hasn’t said a word about this to me so I also didn’t bother to ask. I also did not tell him about my son but he got to know and when he asked I told him about my son.
Agatha, do you think any thing good can come out of this relationship?
Mary.
Dear Mary,
It would depend on how honest both of you are to each other and your pasts. You cannot accuse him of being disloyal to you for refusing to tell you about his past because you too weren’t honest with yours.
You can only feel bad if you had told him everything about your past. There is no way he would be sensitive to your feelings, appreciate your fears and give you the assurances you need to overcome this period of your life if he doesn’t know anything about your separation and subsequent death of your former husband.
He would continue to treat you anyhow because he doesn’t know that you are back in the relationship market as a result of your unfortunate experiences. He has to know you are like him; that yesterday’s pains, betrayals and disappointments have made you very vulnerable and apprehensive.
Telling him would enable him know that he just cannot treat you like a young single woman.
Whosoever gave him the information about your son must have told him about your marital status so this was your cue to tell him everything about that time of your life was when he asked about your son. It was not only your son he was asking you about, he was also indirectly demanding you trust him with the story of your past.
Maybe if you had told him everything about you, he might also have told you about his failed marriage.
Like you, he has his reasons for not telling you but that shouldn’t have made you keep quiet about yours. It is most difficult for a man to trust a woman than it is for a woman to trust a man. Your failure to tell him about your late husband may have driven some fears into him about your type of person. He isn’t sure he can trust you.
Although his feelings and attitude may not hold water given he is as guilty as you are but, it still should not stop you from telling him the truth. Even as friends, you owe each other honesty.
There is no way you can build a relationship on dishonesty, shadows of fear and hurts of the past. You both have experiences and issues you should bury in the past.
He has to do away with the attendant disappointments that coloured his first marriage while you too must overcome all the experiences that first led you to leave your matrimonial home and the feelings of guilt that you are battling with over the death of your husband.
Although, you didn’t expressly say, the guilt of not being by his side as his wife when he died may be the reason you are refusing to discuss him or the incidents that happened with this man, but you cannot continue to blame yourself for the decisions you took then. He died because it was his time to go, there was no way your presence by his side could have prevented it.
Not talking about it would not make the guilt less or delete it from your memory. You just must find the strength to go on by being very honest about all the issues in your life.
It is not just about this man who also may not be very serious but because of another man who may really like to start something serious and permanent with you. The information would help men who come your way treat you with more tenderness than other women.
As for this man, don’t build too much hope on your friendship. Take each day as it comes and when someone else comes you way, consider that person but only after you have reconciled with God in every way.
Remember you made your choices; God didn’t make them for you so don’t injure yourself by laying the blames of your disappointments in life or the death of your husband on Him. Yes, He could have prevented him from dying but who are we to question the authority of God?
You are making too many mistakes because you are refusing to take the loving hands God is offering you. Go to Him in prayers and repentance if you want to be happy again.
Starting again after a failed marriage or the death of a loved spouse isn’t easy. Sometimes, the experiences are so bitter and frustrating. This is the time you need to be at peace with God and to be at your wisest so you don’t end up acting out of desperation which appears to be the stage you are in now. Desperation can make one susceptible to deadly mistakes.
Slow down, take stock and revaluate your visions for your tomorrows. Between the time you first got married and now, a lot of things must have changed. It would do you a world of good to factor in your new perspectives on life into your new dreams as well as that of your son. It is only when you get this new vision that you would know with all clarity, who among the many men swimming around you would make you most happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am an ardent reader of your column and I must say that you are a blessing to humanity.
I need your honest advice on this matter. I am a single mother of one; this is as a result of separation from my husband who eventually died before we could be reconciled.
I was separated from my husband for about three and a half years before he died. I didn’t have any other relationship with any other man until after his death.
I was a Christian before the tragedy. The pains of his death were so deep that I actually backslid and started dating a married man with the hope of becoming his second wife.
As God would have it, three years into the relationship, I became conscious of the mess I was in after certain things happened which gave me the strength to retrace my steps and break up the unholy union.
Since breaking the relationship, some other men have come and gone but I’ve not been able to make up my mind about any of them because of fear.
Then, sometime last year, a neighbour told me about her husband’s friend who lives in the United Kingdom who was looking for a wife.
According to her, she recommended me to him on the strength of my cordial relationship with her. She told me the man was eager to speak with me on the phone. At first, I rebuffed him since I didn’t believe in long distant relationships but, I changed my mind when we began to talk on the phone every night. I actually began to develop interest in him and hope in the relationship.
After a while, I discovered I could not sleep or go a day without speaking to him and all of a sudden his calls ceased and all attempts to reach him were fruitless. He neither picked my calls nor replied my numerous text messages or e-mails. I was really devastated. When I mentioned it to my neighbour, she was speechless and offered to call him but she never did.
Two weeks after, I decided to try his line and he picked the call but to my surprise, he sounded as if nothing ever happened. When I asked him what happened and why he wasn’t picking my calls, he said he just didn’t feel like picking any call that week. He also denied telling my neighbour to look for a wife for him but only asked her to look for a professional friend for him. I felt very insulted but not wanting to sound desperate I agreed to be his friend.
Now, he calls me whenever he feels like but any time I travel outside Lagos, he calls me every night with the intentions of monitoring my movement in the hotel.
I later got to know he was married before but that it didn’t work out. He hasn’t said a word about this to me so I also didn’t bother to ask. I also did not tell him about my son but he got to know and when he asked I told him about my son.
Agatha, do you think any thing good can come out of this relationship?
Mary.
Dear Mary,
It would depend on how honest both of you are to each other and your pasts. You cannot accuse him of being disloyal to you for refusing to tell you about his past because you too weren’t honest with yours.
You can only feel bad if you had told him everything about your past. There is no way he would be sensitive to your feelings, appreciate your fears and give you the assurances you need to overcome this period of your life if he doesn’t know anything about your separation and subsequent death of your former husband.
He would continue to treat you anyhow because he doesn’t know that you are back in the relationship market as a result of your unfortunate experiences. He has to know you are like him; that yesterday’s pains, betrayals and disappointments have made you very vulnerable and apprehensive.
Telling him would enable him know that he just cannot treat you like a young single woman.
Whosoever gave him the information about your son must have told him about your marital status so this was your cue to tell him everything about that time of your life was when he asked about your son. It was not only your son he was asking you about, he was also indirectly demanding you trust him with the story of your past.
Maybe if you had told him everything about you, he might also have told you about his failed marriage.
Like you, he has his reasons for not telling you but that shouldn’t have made you keep quiet about yours. It is most difficult for a man to trust a woman than it is for a woman to trust a man. Your failure to tell him about your late husband may have driven some fears into him about your type of person. He isn’t sure he can trust you.
Although his feelings and attitude may not hold water given he is as guilty as you are but, it still should not stop you from telling him the truth. Even as friends, you owe each other honesty.
There is no way you can build a relationship on dishonesty, shadows of fear and hurts of the past. You both have experiences and issues you should bury in the past.
He has to do away with the attendant disappointments that coloured his first marriage while you too must overcome all the experiences that first led you to leave your matrimonial home and the feelings of guilt that you are battling with over the death of your husband.
Although, you didn’t expressly say, the guilt of not being by his side as his wife when he died may be the reason you are refusing to discuss him or the incidents that happened with this man, but you cannot continue to blame yourself for the decisions you took then. He died because it was his time to go, there was no way your presence by his side could have prevented it.
Not talking about it would not make the guilt less or delete it from your memory. You just must find the strength to go on by being very honest about all the issues in your life.
It is not just about this man who also may not be very serious but because of another man who may really like to start something serious and permanent with you. The information would help men who come your way treat you with more tenderness than other women.
As for this man, don’t build too much hope on your friendship. Take each day as it comes and when someone else comes you way, consider that person but only after you have reconciled with God in every way.
Remember you made your choices; God didn’t make them for you so don’t injure yourself by laying the blames of your disappointments in life or the death of your husband on Him. Yes, He could have prevented him from dying but who are we to question the authority of God?
You are making too many mistakes because you are refusing to take the loving hands God is offering you. Go to Him in prayers and repentance if you want to be happy again.
Starting again after a failed marriage or the death of a loved spouse isn’t easy. Sometimes, the experiences are so bitter and frustrating. This is the time you need to be at peace with God and to be at your wisest so you don’t end up acting out of desperation which appears to be the stage you are in now. Desperation can make one susceptible to deadly mistakes.
Slow down, take stock and revaluate your visions for your tomorrows. Between the time you first got married and now, a lot of things must have changed. It would do you a world of good to factor in your new perspectives on life into your new dreams as well as that of your son. It is only when you get this new vision that you would know with all clarity, who among the many men swimming around you would make you most happy.
Good luck.
Re: I want a child of my own
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Lady T,
In addition to the great advice Auntie Agatha has offered, please kindly allow me to offer my own little experience, and results of various studies.
It will be nice and very productive, if you can pay a little more attention to your spiritual life. Use this opportunity to draw closer to God through Christ Jesus. Pray everyday, at least 10 minutes between 12am and 1am, pray like Hannah, don’t voice out your petitions. One difference between God and Satan is that Satan cannot read the heart: that is why silent prayers are more potent, since he won’t know where you are coming from.
Visit some anointed, tested, and trusted men of God and let them pray with you.
Remove your mind from desperation, anxiety and how bad your situation is. There are people out there you are by far better than, at least, from your write up you are not to be blamed for the situation. Flexing about the situation can only cause the release of counter-productive hormones; that will damage your body and worsen the situation, leading to more complex abnormal behaviour. So, try and relax to avoid messing up and destabilising the normal functions of your body and reproductive system.
Whenever despair, desperation and anxiety flood your mind, for it must come, wave them aside by telling yourself things like: “Is it a must that every one must have children?”, “Is having children the main purpose of my existence?”, “The main purpose of my existence is to serve God, improve my quality of life and those of people around me”, “having a child is a privilege not a right.” Tell yourself these to resist the demon of worry, but that doesn’t mean you will stop working quietly, silently and seriously towards having your own child.
If people are mounting pressure on you, overcome by demonstrating acceptance of your situation as well as confidence in the abilities of your God to do all things. If you give people clue you are bothered about your situation, they will bother you the more, but if you show them that it doesn’t matter, every body will allow you be. After all, this is 21st Century; how you live your life is no one’s business, as long as you are not causing anyone pains.
Reduce the frequency of your intercourse with your husband a bit to once in every three to five days. Since the doctors said you and your husband are all right, it means you are wearing your husband down with frequent sex demand, which is making that healthy semen lack quality. Allow his body to build quality sperms, thick and milky, which happens every three to five days and can shoot down any woman both fertile and infertile alike by faith.
Have sex more during your ovulation (I think Auntie Agatha said that), two days before and two days after. I hope you can pinpoint your ovulation?
For the premature ejaculation, make sure you have an orgasm or two before your hubby goes in.
Concerning semen coming out of your system after action, I have to humbly add, my personal study has shown that this malady is more common in women that are not fully aroused, wet and genitally ready before intercourse. When a woman if fully aroused the end of the birth canal, where it joins with the cervix (uterus/womb) tips downwards and forms a little loop or cup, ready to take the semen. I have watched a video on how this happens. But if the woman is not fully aroused this place is just relaxed and straight when semen comes it is easy to slip back, especially if the woman stands up.
So allow yourself to get aroused, very wet, get into the action, mind, body, and soul, and if possible, have an orgasm or two before the main cuisine. Studies have shown that the various fluids (juices) women secrete/release during foreplay/orgasm stage helps the semen to have enough swimming pool space to swim in while rushing to meet the ovum/egg. It is simple, liquid flow well and longer on a wet surface than on a dry surface, which tends to absorb them up or block their flow. As well, they have the correct ph value, texture etc for various varying body conditions, to aid conception by preparing the way for the mighty semen to pass. The vaginal wall has been found to absorb semen.
In fact sex selection techniques are based on pinpointing ovulation and manipulating the characteristics of these juices women secrete. So allow yourself to get in the mood, relax and enjoy the show, it is one of the ways nature pays women back for the pains they go through at childbirth, before long one or two beautiful bundles will be whimpering and smiling in your arms.
The best position for conception, in addition to placing a pillow under you in missionary position is the notorious doggy style or going from behind. This offers the deepest penetration, thereby the deposition of the semen as close as possible, sometimes even directly inside the uterus. Studies have shown that missionary position, no matter how deep, causes the deposition of the semen outside and underneath the mouth of the cervix. The downwards-bended position already assumed by you in this position, offers a steep slope for the semen to easily flow downwards, and easily into the uterus, especially if you maintain the position for five to 15 minutes after ejaculation, without immediate penile withdrawal.
But no matter what in every action some amount of seed will still leak out but these are by far very irrelevant to the quantity that has already gone in.
Pay attention to your body too, eat more fruits, healthy fluids like fresh juice, vegetables and less salt, carbohydrates, fats and these chemically processed foods that are now in vogue in Nigeria. Exercise 30 minutes of brisk walking three times a week is okay. If you come back after this, you feel so refreshed as if drained of excess baggage and stuff, it feels great, eases stress and lowers blood pressure.
Let your husband eat more fruit also at least one apple per day, the sperm is made basically of vitamins, hormones, with some body protein and little fats/oil. That is why it works wonders as facial cream.
Fruits and vegetable loving people have very healthy and physically beautiful kids. Cook vegetable soup more often, and eat it with garri mixed with soybean powder (1 cup of garri to 2 cups of soybean), they works wonders on the body.
But, above all these, God still holds the say in what we have or have not (Romans 9:15-16), plead for His kindness and faithful mercy everyday.
Finally and truthfully, remember, having a child isn’t a must it is just a privilege some of us may not obtain. So don’t let it stop you from enjoying the sweetness of life. For definitely I tell you, life is good.
Collins.
Dear Lady T,
In addition to the great advice Auntie Agatha has offered, please kindly allow me to offer my own little experience, and results of various studies.
It will be nice and very productive, if you can pay a little more attention to your spiritual life. Use this opportunity to draw closer to God through Christ Jesus. Pray everyday, at least 10 minutes between 12am and 1am, pray like Hannah, don’t voice out your petitions. One difference between God and Satan is that Satan cannot read the heart: that is why silent prayers are more potent, since he won’t know where you are coming from.
Visit some anointed, tested, and trusted men of God and let them pray with you.
Remove your mind from desperation, anxiety and how bad your situation is. There are people out there you are by far better than, at least, from your write up you are not to be blamed for the situation. Flexing about the situation can only cause the release of counter-productive hormones; that will damage your body and worsen the situation, leading to more complex abnormal behaviour. So, try and relax to avoid messing up and destabilising the normal functions of your body and reproductive system.
Whenever despair, desperation and anxiety flood your mind, for it must come, wave them aside by telling yourself things like: “Is it a must that every one must have children?”, “Is having children the main purpose of my existence?”, “The main purpose of my existence is to serve God, improve my quality of life and those of people around me”, “having a child is a privilege not a right.” Tell yourself these to resist the demon of worry, but that doesn’t mean you will stop working quietly, silently and seriously towards having your own child.
If people are mounting pressure on you, overcome by demonstrating acceptance of your situation as well as confidence in the abilities of your God to do all things. If you give people clue you are bothered about your situation, they will bother you the more, but if you show them that it doesn’t matter, every body will allow you be. After all, this is 21st Century; how you live your life is no one’s business, as long as you are not causing anyone pains.
Reduce the frequency of your intercourse with your husband a bit to once in every three to five days. Since the doctors said you and your husband are all right, it means you are wearing your husband down with frequent sex demand, which is making that healthy semen lack quality. Allow his body to build quality sperms, thick and milky, which happens every three to five days and can shoot down any woman both fertile and infertile alike by faith.
Have sex more during your ovulation (I think Auntie Agatha said that), two days before and two days after. I hope you can pinpoint your ovulation?
For the premature ejaculation, make sure you have an orgasm or two before your hubby goes in.
Concerning semen coming out of your system after action, I have to humbly add, my personal study has shown that this malady is more common in women that are not fully aroused, wet and genitally ready before intercourse. When a woman if fully aroused the end of the birth canal, where it joins with the cervix (uterus/womb) tips downwards and forms a little loop or cup, ready to take the semen. I have watched a video on how this happens. But if the woman is not fully aroused this place is just relaxed and straight when semen comes it is easy to slip back, especially if the woman stands up.
So allow yourself to get aroused, very wet, get into the action, mind, body, and soul, and if possible, have an orgasm or two before the main cuisine. Studies have shown that the various fluids (juices) women secrete/release during foreplay/orgasm stage helps the semen to have enough swimming pool space to swim in while rushing to meet the ovum/egg. It is simple, liquid flow well and longer on a wet surface than on a dry surface, which tends to absorb them up or block their flow. As well, they have the correct ph value, texture etc for various varying body conditions, to aid conception by preparing the way for the mighty semen to pass. The vaginal wall has been found to absorb semen.
In fact sex selection techniques are based on pinpointing ovulation and manipulating the characteristics of these juices women secrete. So allow yourself to get in the mood, relax and enjoy the show, it is one of the ways nature pays women back for the pains they go through at childbirth, before long one or two beautiful bundles will be whimpering and smiling in your arms.
The best position for conception, in addition to placing a pillow under you in missionary position is the notorious doggy style or going from behind. This offers the deepest penetration, thereby the deposition of the semen as close as possible, sometimes even directly inside the uterus. Studies have shown that missionary position, no matter how deep, causes the deposition of the semen outside and underneath the mouth of the cervix. The downwards-bended position already assumed by you in this position, offers a steep slope for the semen to easily flow downwards, and easily into the uterus, especially if you maintain the position for five to 15 minutes after ejaculation, without immediate penile withdrawal.
But no matter what in every action some amount of seed will still leak out but these are by far very irrelevant to the quantity that has already gone in.
Pay attention to your body too, eat more fruits, healthy fluids like fresh juice, vegetables and less salt, carbohydrates, fats and these chemically processed foods that are now in vogue in Nigeria. Exercise 30 minutes of brisk walking three times a week is okay. If you come back after this, you feel so refreshed as if drained of excess baggage and stuff, it feels great, eases stress and lowers blood pressure.
Let your husband eat more fruit also at least one apple per day, the sperm is made basically of vitamins, hormones, with some body protein and little fats/oil. That is why it works wonders as facial cream.
Fruits and vegetable loving people have very healthy and physically beautiful kids. Cook vegetable soup more often, and eat it with garri mixed with soybean powder (1 cup of garri to 2 cups of soybean), they works wonders on the body.
But, above all these, God still holds the say in what we have or have not (Romans 9:15-16), plead for His kindness and faithful mercy everyday.
Finally and truthfully, remember, having a child isn’t a must it is just a privilege some of us may not obtain. So don’t let it stop you from enjoying the sweetness of life. For definitely I tell you, life is good.
Collins.
Should I stop bothering him?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for the good work you have been doing. Please I need your advice urgently. I am a 20-year-old undergraduate and in a relationship with a boy who, like me, is also a student. I am not the demanding type, but my boyfriend doesn’t call or send me text messages often. We hardly spend time together, lies about personal information especially his present and his past. Sometimes, I feel lonely and as though am with a stranger, because I don’t think we communicate enough, because if I don’t do the calling he wouldn’t bother for about three weeks or one month. I really love this guy but he’s totally different now, all these have been going on for about six months now. Do you think I should still give him some time or should I call it quits? Thank you.
Lonely Girl.
Dear Lonely Girl,
Let him chase you a bit. You are the woman and he is the man. It is his duty to run after you. I appreciate that it might be a difficult thing to do considering the fact that you actually love him, but resist calling him for sometime. It would enable you gauge his true feelings for you. If he misses you so much, he would definitely come back after sometime.
If he doesn’t, forget him and move on. You are still young and able to begin again. It would be such a waste of time if you spend precious time at 20 running after a man who isn’t ready to be serious with you.
You still have a long way in life to go so don’t waste your time and youth on someone who isn’t sure of what he wants from you.
By ignoring him, you make it clear he isn’t as important to you as he thinks he is, a clear message to him that you can really do without him.
Staying away would also help you evaluate your feelings for him. Chances are you are enduring his attitude because of fear of loneliness. The truth is, when we let go of something we think we need desperately, we open more our chances of better choices. This man may be the least qualified in your life but because you are timid in letting go of him, the better man may not have the chance to come into your life.
Never be afraid of making the right choice when it comes to the issue of your happiness. It is something you must learn to guard jealously.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for the good work you have been doing. Please I need your advice urgently. I am a 20-year-old undergraduate and in a relationship with a boy who, like me, is also a student. I am not the demanding type, but my boyfriend doesn’t call or send me text messages often. We hardly spend time together, lies about personal information especially his present and his past. Sometimes, I feel lonely and as though am with a stranger, because I don’t think we communicate enough, because if I don’t do the calling he wouldn’t bother for about three weeks or one month. I really love this guy but he’s totally different now, all these have been going on for about six months now. Do you think I should still give him some time or should I call it quits? Thank you.
Lonely Girl.
Dear Lonely Girl,
Let him chase you a bit. You are the woman and he is the man. It is his duty to run after you. I appreciate that it might be a difficult thing to do considering the fact that you actually love him, but resist calling him for sometime. It would enable you gauge his true feelings for you. If he misses you so much, he would definitely come back after sometime.
If he doesn’t, forget him and move on. You are still young and able to begin again. It would be such a waste of time if you spend precious time at 20 running after a man who isn’t ready to be serious with you.
You still have a long way in life to go so don’t waste your time and youth on someone who isn’t sure of what he wants from you.
By ignoring him, you make it clear he isn’t as important to you as he thinks he is, a clear message to him that you can really do without him.
Staying away would also help you evaluate your feelings for him. Chances are you are enduring his attitude because of fear of loneliness. The truth is, when we let go of something we think we need desperately, we open more our chances of better choices. This man may be the least qualified in your life but because you are timid in letting go of him, the better man may not have the chance to come into your life.
Never be afraid of making the right choice when it comes to the issue of your happiness. It is something you must learn to guard jealously.
Good luck.
Days to our wedding his family say I can’t be trusted
By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I just came across your e-mail and your blunt response to this guy that said he married for money. The article is very blunt.
I don’t know if you can help me. There is this old friend of mine in school, even though we are so much in love with each other, we cannot express it because we are in other relationships.
We again met last year after we lost contact for seven years. It was three months to my wedding day. Naturally, I was very happy to hear from him. Besides being an old friend, I still have some feelings for him.
One thing led to the other and he promised to marry me if I leave the man I was going to marry in three months time.
After much thoughts and knowing I love him more than the man I was going to marry, I gave in to him.
But I also decided to ask God for help through prayers. If the signs that followed my request were anything to go by, it would appear that God chose the first man. The second man started complaining about lack of money to continue with our wedding plans, which led to him saying he wanted the wedding ceremony postponed.
Gladly, I accepted since it was in response to my request. I also tried to keep up with the relationship but he wasn’t forthcoming with an alternative date for reasons best known to him. Well, his attitude gave me room to concentrate on my relationship with my old friend.
Things were really going on well between us until we had a disagreement. Being unable to resolve them on our own, I decided to involve his family in the matter. I honestly thought their involvement was for the better. Though they actually helped in resolving the first issue between us, it became another matter entirely when the second disagreement between my boyfriend and I came up.
Rather than resolve the issue at hand, they raked up an issue, which happened when we were in school eight years ago. It has to do with me dating a married man. I haven’t seen this man since I left school, but my boyfriend’s family is pegging their stance on that. They say we cannot get married because I dated a married man while in school.
In their opinion, any girl with such tendency is not only a flirt but cannot be trusted to be faithful in her own marriage.
To my pains, I later discovered that the information of my relationship with this married man came from my boyfriend and just two months to our wedding ceremony, the family has cancelled every plan.
Despite all this, I still love him, and I can bet my life he loves me and want me just like I want him, but he has kept saying that it would be suicidal for him to go against the wishes of his people since in his side of the country, marriage is not an individual thing but a communal arrangement.
His people very much in support of our relationship until the episode of me dating the married man came up. It is one month now since we have been having this problem.
We no longer talk like we used to. I get tempted to call him on a daily basis but I find myself holding back. The last time we talked he promised to be my backbone and my best friend. He said God knows everything and that He alone has the final say.
Agatha, the issue is, I cannot bring myself to forget him. He is constantly on my mind. I see him in everything I do and in my dreams. I feel him going through the same emotional turmoil I am going through. I truly love him.
I know only God sees the hearts of men but I want him in my life.
I have a feeling the mother is behind all our problems because he keeps saying unless he has his family’s support he cannot come back.
I pray day and night that God would show me signs and lead me on what to do. It is so hard for me. I know he truly loves me till this issue came up. We are both in our late 20s. I know if his mother tells him to come back he would because he loves me.
Agatha, I don’t know what to do. Do I keep waiting till he comes back or what? What should I do? I am so confused.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
What do you want from life? What do you understand by love? What values do you hold precious? What makes you think God would answer you this time when you didn’t listen to Him the first time?
Deep inside your mind, you have succeeded in misrepresenting the word love. Love isn’t selfish and painful like you to think. If this man really loves you as you have convinced yourself he does, why did he tell his family about a past he knows they would never approve of?
What were his intentions when he was telling them? To edify you or to destroy within his family circle? This is a question you should ask him. demand to know what he wanted to achieve by telling his family, especially his mother about a past he knows would count against you.
If he were truly in love with you as you seem to think, even if his family got to know about this from other sources, he would be the one denying on your behalf to protect you from ridicule and condemnation from his family members.
He knows his mother more than you and can tell what would upset her moral judgment. For him to have told her about your escapades as a young lady is to give him a perfect excuse to back out of the relationship without being obvious he is the one who cannot get over the type of life you lived as a young lady.
Also your willingness to jettison your boyfriend three months to your wedding ceremony with him for him when he came along could also be a reason for his apprehension. To be frank, what man would take a woman who had no qualms serious about abandoning a man she was altar bound to in three months for another man serious?
Your excitement at leaving your former boyfriend for him at short notice coupled with your past life are enough to him wonder at the type of woman he was getting married to and ponder on what moral values you really have.
Though he gladly puts the blame of his inability to keep up with your marriage plans on the laps of his mother, the truth is, deep down he doesn’t trust you to be a woman he can depend on.
He is afraid the same reasons you had for abandoning the other man for him may arise somewhere in your future and he would find himself gazing after your shadows because you didn’t stop to consider the feeling of others.
That woman you were dating her husband, how did you think she felt all those times her husband was with you, denying her and the children his time, resources and attention for you?
How did you think the man who was to marry you felt when he heard days after he started having problems, you were already in another relationship planning marriage?
You may think he knew nothing about what happened but there is nothing hidden under the sun. How did you think he felt when he complained about lack of money to continue with the wedding plans and instead of you to come up with alternative plans you left him alone to carry the burden. A wife material would do anything within her power to cover the shame of her man.
Love is about selflessness, it is about giving yourself and experiencing yourself in another human being. If you ever loved any of these men, you would put their interest before yours.
What is happening isn’t the making of this man’s mother. he is the unseen hands beating the drums. He doesn’t want you anymore having had second thoughts about your moral values.
You took a gamble and you have lost it. Forget both of them and move on. This time be honest with yourself by listening to what God tells you. Pray for forgiveness and allow His will prevail.
To completely free yourself of the burden of the past, go back to your other boyfriend and beg for forgiveness. You may have hurt him in more ways than you know. Leaving him three months to the wedding couldn’t have been easy on him, his family members and friends. From your own experiences with this other man, you now know much pains he endured when you left him.
Cleaning the slate of the past through apology to him would help the mercy and grace of God flow into your life.
There is no chance of him coming back to you. If he couldn’t convince his family not to cancel your wedding plans two months to the time, how can he now convince them to change their minds about you? He has told you he doesn’t have the will to go against the family’s decisions. What more evidence do you need to know this man’s feelings for you aren’t as strong as you think?
When next you get to speak to him, inform him about your decision to let him be.
To help yourself fair better in your next relationship, know what love entails as well as what type of man would give you the most happiness in life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I just came across your e-mail and your blunt response to this guy that said he married for money. The article is very blunt.
I don’t know if you can help me. There is this old friend of mine in school, even though we are so much in love with each other, we cannot express it because we are in other relationships.
We again met last year after we lost contact for seven years. It was three months to my wedding day. Naturally, I was very happy to hear from him. Besides being an old friend, I still have some feelings for him.
One thing led to the other and he promised to marry me if I leave the man I was going to marry in three months time.
After much thoughts and knowing I love him more than the man I was going to marry, I gave in to him.
But I also decided to ask God for help through prayers. If the signs that followed my request were anything to go by, it would appear that God chose the first man. The second man started complaining about lack of money to continue with our wedding plans, which led to him saying he wanted the wedding ceremony postponed.
Gladly, I accepted since it was in response to my request. I also tried to keep up with the relationship but he wasn’t forthcoming with an alternative date for reasons best known to him. Well, his attitude gave me room to concentrate on my relationship with my old friend.
Things were really going on well between us until we had a disagreement. Being unable to resolve them on our own, I decided to involve his family in the matter. I honestly thought their involvement was for the better. Though they actually helped in resolving the first issue between us, it became another matter entirely when the second disagreement between my boyfriend and I came up.
Rather than resolve the issue at hand, they raked up an issue, which happened when we were in school eight years ago. It has to do with me dating a married man. I haven’t seen this man since I left school, but my boyfriend’s family is pegging their stance on that. They say we cannot get married because I dated a married man while in school.
In their opinion, any girl with such tendency is not only a flirt but cannot be trusted to be faithful in her own marriage.
To my pains, I later discovered that the information of my relationship with this married man came from my boyfriend and just two months to our wedding ceremony, the family has cancelled every plan.
Despite all this, I still love him, and I can bet my life he loves me and want me just like I want him, but he has kept saying that it would be suicidal for him to go against the wishes of his people since in his side of the country, marriage is not an individual thing but a communal arrangement.
His people very much in support of our relationship until the episode of me dating the married man came up. It is one month now since we have been having this problem.
We no longer talk like we used to. I get tempted to call him on a daily basis but I find myself holding back. The last time we talked he promised to be my backbone and my best friend. He said God knows everything and that He alone has the final say.
Agatha, the issue is, I cannot bring myself to forget him. He is constantly on my mind. I see him in everything I do and in my dreams. I feel him going through the same emotional turmoil I am going through. I truly love him.
I know only God sees the hearts of men but I want him in my life.
I have a feeling the mother is behind all our problems because he keeps saying unless he has his family’s support he cannot come back.
I pray day and night that God would show me signs and lead me on what to do. It is so hard for me. I know he truly loves me till this issue came up. We are both in our late 20s. I know if his mother tells him to come back he would because he loves me.
Agatha, I don’t know what to do. Do I keep waiting till he comes back or what? What should I do? I am so confused.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
What do you want from life? What do you understand by love? What values do you hold precious? What makes you think God would answer you this time when you didn’t listen to Him the first time?
Deep inside your mind, you have succeeded in misrepresenting the word love. Love isn’t selfish and painful like you to think. If this man really loves you as you have convinced yourself he does, why did he tell his family about a past he knows they would never approve of?
What were his intentions when he was telling them? To edify you or to destroy within his family circle? This is a question you should ask him. demand to know what he wanted to achieve by telling his family, especially his mother about a past he knows would count against you.
If he were truly in love with you as you seem to think, even if his family got to know about this from other sources, he would be the one denying on your behalf to protect you from ridicule and condemnation from his family members.
He knows his mother more than you and can tell what would upset her moral judgment. For him to have told her about your escapades as a young lady is to give him a perfect excuse to back out of the relationship without being obvious he is the one who cannot get over the type of life you lived as a young lady.
Also your willingness to jettison your boyfriend three months to your wedding ceremony with him for him when he came along could also be a reason for his apprehension. To be frank, what man would take a woman who had no qualms serious about abandoning a man she was altar bound to in three months for another man serious?
Your excitement at leaving your former boyfriend for him at short notice coupled with your past life are enough to him wonder at the type of woman he was getting married to and ponder on what moral values you really have.
Though he gladly puts the blame of his inability to keep up with your marriage plans on the laps of his mother, the truth is, deep down he doesn’t trust you to be a woman he can depend on.
He is afraid the same reasons you had for abandoning the other man for him may arise somewhere in your future and he would find himself gazing after your shadows because you didn’t stop to consider the feeling of others.
That woman you were dating her husband, how did you think she felt all those times her husband was with you, denying her and the children his time, resources and attention for you?
How did you think the man who was to marry you felt when he heard days after he started having problems, you were already in another relationship planning marriage?
You may think he knew nothing about what happened but there is nothing hidden under the sun. How did you think he felt when he complained about lack of money to continue with the wedding plans and instead of you to come up with alternative plans you left him alone to carry the burden. A wife material would do anything within her power to cover the shame of her man.
Love is about selflessness, it is about giving yourself and experiencing yourself in another human being. If you ever loved any of these men, you would put their interest before yours.
What is happening isn’t the making of this man’s mother. he is the unseen hands beating the drums. He doesn’t want you anymore having had second thoughts about your moral values.
You took a gamble and you have lost it. Forget both of them and move on. This time be honest with yourself by listening to what God tells you. Pray for forgiveness and allow His will prevail.
To completely free yourself of the burden of the past, go back to your other boyfriend and beg for forgiveness. You may have hurt him in more ways than you know. Leaving him three months to the wedding couldn’t have been easy on him, his family members and friends. From your own experiences with this other man, you now know much pains he endured when you left him.
Cleaning the slate of the past through apology to him would help the mercy and grace of God flow into your life.
There is no chance of him coming back to you. If he couldn’t convince his family not to cancel your wedding plans two months to the time, how can he now convince them to change their minds about you? He has told you he doesn’t have the will to go against the family’s decisions. What more evidence do you need to know this man’s feelings for you aren’t as strong as you think?
When next you get to speak to him, inform him about your decision to let him be.
To help yourself fair better in your next relationship, know what love entails as well as what type of man would give you the most happiness in life.
Good luck.
My family insists on court marriage
By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been in a relationship for five years and very much in love with the man in my life. We have a very good relationship. We are close and he is very supportive.
Because he had been married before and has children, it took a while for my family members to give their blessings to the union. His ex has since remarried and lives outside the country. We finally performed our introduction ceremony last year. My people want him to take me to Registry but he says it is not for my family to lord it on him and that the decision to marry is between the two of us.
He is only prepared to go through the native law and custom ceremony and after that go to church for blessing but my family members are scared of me doing native law and custom and then going to church later.
They are of the opinion that he won’t do the church wedding. I finally prevailed on my people to let sleeping dogs lie. But I do not understand what is going on anymore. I’ve told him to come and see my dad so we can fix a date and move on, but he seems to
be in no hurry again, he hardly visits nor has time for me. He sometimes does not call and yet claims there is no problem that I am the one wasting time. He says we should have been living together by now but allowed my family to ridicule him and his family members by giving them ultimatum to go to court within two weeks of our introduction. He is also very angry that none of my family members saw him and his family off when they were leaving our house.
He has changed; each day he says he is coming to see my daddy but won’t come. I am so confused and wondering where to start from at 40. I close late from work and hardly have the avenue to socialise, people at my place of work even think I am married.
What do I do now as he keeps saying as far as he is concerned we are married and there is no problem? Yet time is going and I am tired of being single. I truly have been so attached to him and I haven’t met another person that I like. Please help.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
At 40, you ought to know better than allow your family members too much interference in your affairs. You are no longer a child in need of protection neither are you too young not to know what you are going into.
You are already at the junction of reality and realistic choices. If you don’t know what you want by now when will you?
Your man is right; marriage is an agreement between two persons. You and your man should have agreed on a common ground before going to your family with your wedding plans. And if both of you had already agreed on it, it was wrong for your family to insist on something else. You should have been more firm and equivocal on what you want.
If his attitude has changed, it is because he is beginning to have second thoughts on the kind of influence your family has over you. The cold reception he was given by your family is enough to question the kind of support he would get from them when he marries you as well as your own ability to withstand their interest whenever it conflicts with his.
In his shoes, chances are you will also get scared if he is unable to stand up for you in the presence of his family members. Irrespective of what your family felt, you should have escorted him and his family when they were leaving. They may be strangers to other members of your family but by virtue of their intentions to marry you, they have become yours. A wise woman must learn from the very beginning of her relationship to play the politics of balance between her family and her in-laws.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that he has every reason to be wary of entering into another marriage that has the hues of problems. He has already gone through a terrible marriage enough for his ex to have re-married. It takes a lot for someone who has gone through a terrible experience to want to do it again. Like snail recoils at the sight of trouble, he is bound to be frightened by the seemingly hostility of your family. It couldn’t have been pleasant for him to have been so rejected by them all. His family members too are bound to ask him questions too, concerning the workability of such a union. It would be emotionally suicidal for him to go into another union with a woman he isn’t sure of.
Unlike a single man who hasn’t the kind of history he has, he must be careful not to give the world the impression that he is the one with the problem especially as his ex is already re-married.
Don’t also forget that he has the interest of his children too to factor into this marriage. If you are unable to make up your mind about the kind of wedding ceremonies you want, what assurances does he have your family won’t tell you how to treat his children?
If he is refusing to come to your father, it is because he isn’t too sure how he feels about the whole thing anymore. He may truly care about you, but isn’t too sure of what he is going into. He needs to rethink and ask himself some vital questions concerning the workability of marrying a woman who appears not to have a mind of her own.
Had you tried to find out from him what he went through in his first marriage, you would have known how to approach the matter.
Like he asked, what do you want? The issue here isn’t whether he marries you in the Registry or not, but simply that of trust. Do you trust him? Why is your family insisting on the Registry? Has it to do with the fact that if anything happens to him, you can claim his property? Has it to do with the fact that he has children from his previous marriage and marrying you at the Registry would give you power and say over his property? These are the questions that would naturally occur to him with the ultimatum being given to him by your family.
Frankly, if you want him, you have to do more than telling him your father wants to see him. He has to be given fresh reasons by you why he should go ahead with marriage plans. To do this right, you also have to ask yourself what you want from him and marriage. One thing is for someone to desire something another thing is for the person to know what to do with it. You may want to get married simply because others are doing it as well as the fact that age isn’t on your side but deep down is this what you really want? It may sound a very silly question but unless you want this marriage and this man very desperately, you won’t know how to fight for your freedom from your parents.
If at 40, you are still being treated like a young inexperienced girl by your family, then something is very wrong somewhere and until you are aware of its source you may never get out of it.
Everyday, you stay on the market shelf; your chances of getting the perfect man depletes so are the kind of choices you can insist on. While a younger girl in her 20s can afford to make all the demands you are now making, you don’t have that many choices.
Marriage is sacrifice. Any man or woman who isn’t ready to make sacrifices for his or her marriage isn’t ready for the journey.
And come to think of it, do you know what demands the next man would make of you?
Even if you have any reservations about his stance, it is always best to dialogue with your man instead of exposing him to your family or outsiders.
Marriage is premised on the feelings and interests of two persons, not the majority.
He needs you to assure him he isn’t about making another mistake before he can have the confidence to come to your family. I am sure once you go to him to talk and discuss his fears, things would change positively between the two of you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been in a relationship for five years and very much in love with the man in my life. We have a very good relationship. We are close and he is very supportive.
Because he had been married before and has children, it took a while for my family members to give their blessings to the union. His ex has since remarried and lives outside the country. We finally performed our introduction ceremony last year. My people want him to take me to Registry but he says it is not for my family to lord it on him and that the decision to marry is between the two of us.
He is only prepared to go through the native law and custom ceremony and after that go to church for blessing but my family members are scared of me doing native law and custom and then going to church later.
They are of the opinion that he won’t do the church wedding. I finally prevailed on my people to let sleeping dogs lie. But I do not understand what is going on anymore. I’ve told him to come and see my dad so we can fix a date and move on, but he seems to
be in no hurry again, he hardly visits nor has time for me. He sometimes does not call and yet claims there is no problem that I am the one wasting time. He says we should have been living together by now but allowed my family to ridicule him and his family members by giving them ultimatum to go to court within two weeks of our introduction. He is also very angry that none of my family members saw him and his family off when they were leaving our house.
He has changed; each day he says he is coming to see my daddy but won’t come. I am so confused and wondering where to start from at 40. I close late from work and hardly have the avenue to socialise, people at my place of work even think I am married.
What do I do now as he keeps saying as far as he is concerned we are married and there is no problem? Yet time is going and I am tired of being single. I truly have been so attached to him and I haven’t met another person that I like. Please help.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
At 40, you ought to know better than allow your family members too much interference in your affairs. You are no longer a child in need of protection neither are you too young not to know what you are going into.
You are already at the junction of reality and realistic choices. If you don’t know what you want by now when will you?
Your man is right; marriage is an agreement between two persons. You and your man should have agreed on a common ground before going to your family with your wedding plans. And if both of you had already agreed on it, it was wrong for your family to insist on something else. You should have been more firm and equivocal on what you want.
If his attitude has changed, it is because he is beginning to have second thoughts on the kind of influence your family has over you. The cold reception he was given by your family is enough to question the kind of support he would get from them when he marries you as well as your own ability to withstand their interest whenever it conflicts with his.
In his shoes, chances are you will also get scared if he is unable to stand up for you in the presence of his family members. Irrespective of what your family felt, you should have escorted him and his family when they were leaving. They may be strangers to other members of your family but by virtue of their intentions to marry you, they have become yours. A wise woman must learn from the very beginning of her relationship to play the politics of balance between her family and her in-laws.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that he has every reason to be wary of entering into another marriage that has the hues of problems. He has already gone through a terrible marriage enough for his ex to have re-married. It takes a lot for someone who has gone through a terrible experience to want to do it again. Like snail recoils at the sight of trouble, he is bound to be frightened by the seemingly hostility of your family. It couldn’t have been pleasant for him to have been so rejected by them all. His family members too are bound to ask him questions too, concerning the workability of such a union. It would be emotionally suicidal for him to go into another union with a woman he isn’t sure of.
Unlike a single man who hasn’t the kind of history he has, he must be careful not to give the world the impression that he is the one with the problem especially as his ex is already re-married.
Don’t also forget that he has the interest of his children too to factor into this marriage. If you are unable to make up your mind about the kind of wedding ceremonies you want, what assurances does he have your family won’t tell you how to treat his children?
If he is refusing to come to your father, it is because he isn’t too sure how he feels about the whole thing anymore. He may truly care about you, but isn’t too sure of what he is going into. He needs to rethink and ask himself some vital questions concerning the workability of marrying a woman who appears not to have a mind of her own.
Had you tried to find out from him what he went through in his first marriage, you would have known how to approach the matter.
Like he asked, what do you want? The issue here isn’t whether he marries you in the Registry or not, but simply that of trust. Do you trust him? Why is your family insisting on the Registry? Has it to do with the fact that if anything happens to him, you can claim his property? Has it to do with the fact that he has children from his previous marriage and marrying you at the Registry would give you power and say over his property? These are the questions that would naturally occur to him with the ultimatum being given to him by your family.
Frankly, if you want him, you have to do more than telling him your father wants to see him. He has to be given fresh reasons by you why he should go ahead with marriage plans. To do this right, you also have to ask yourself what you want from him and marriage. One thing is for someone to desire something another thing is for the person to know what to do with it. You may want to get married simply because others are doing it as well as the fact that age isn’t on your side but deep down is this what you really want? It may sound a very silly question but unless you want this marriage and this man very desperately, you won’t know how to fight for your freedom from your parents.
If at 40, you are still being treated like a young inexperienced girl by your family, then something is very wrong somewhere and until you are aware of its source you may never get out of it.
Everyday, you stay on the market shelf; your chances of getting the perfect man depletes so are the kind of choices you can insist on. While a younger girl in her 20s can afford to make all the demands you are now making, you don’t have that many choices.
Marriage is sacrifice. Any man or woman who isn’t ready to make sacrifices for his or her marriage isn’t ready for the journey.
And come to think of it, do you know what demands the next man would make of you?
Even if you have any reservations about his stance, it is always best to dialogue with your man instead of exposing him to your family or outsiders.
Marriage is premised on the feelings and interests of two persons, not the majority.
He needs you to assure him he isn’t about making another mistake before he can have the confidence to come to your family. I am sure once you go to him to talk and discuss his fears, things would change positively between the two of you.
Good luck.
What can I do to stop feeling horny?
Dear Agatha,
I marvel at the level of intelligence you exhibit when handling even the most difficult and dicey situation. More grace to your elbow.
I am a 26 year old mother of one. My husband left for the United States a year after my son was born and since then hasn’t returned, not because he can’t come back but making frantic efforts for us to join him which I prefer though. It’s been two years since he left and I have not had sex because I am a good Christian and wouldn’t want to commit adultery which I know God detests. I also vowed not to cheat on my husband because he is the best man in the universe and he wouldn’t cheat on me either. But sometimes, I feel horny and at times so strong that I end up masturbating.
My question is, is it a sin to masturbate; even though I have not seen it mention in the Bible? If you say it’s a sin, what do you suggest I do when I feel horny or what can I do to stop feeling horny.
Worried Jane.
Dear Worried Jane,
If we are to go religious on this issue, we would be caught in a web of unnecessary controversies because there are those who think sex and the Bible, two strange fellows. And being a woman, you are not expected to feel any emotions without your husband. The thought of you masturbating in it self, calls to question your claims to be a true Christian.
Besides, anything that goes outside the norm of a man and woman sleeping together inside matrimony is considered a sin; so, we would not provoke needless debate by pegging your solutions solely on religion. For these reasons, l would prefer to address this issue from the view point of what is practicable as well as workable for you and your marriage.
Every marriage has a cross of its own. The amount of sacrifices as well as wisdom a couple puts into the solution of a particular kind of problem goes a long way in ensuring the success or otherwise of a marriage.
Realistically, there is no way you won’t feel horny. It is natural. Once the body is accustomed to having sex, it would always demand for it no matter how hard one tries to discipline it. Being young, there is little or nothing you can do about not having such feelings occasionally. It is your season and reason for being a woman. After all, you are married and is only being forced by circumstances to live as a spinster. Having been used to waking and sleeping with a man by your side, there is no way you won’t feel the loneliness of his absence or not remember those warm nights you spent in his arms. To try to deny that you miss him is like saying those moments never happened.
Since your husband isn’t around and you don’t want to betray your vows, your best option is to masturbate. It is healthier and medically safe because you risk no disease or unwanted pregnancies.
What you are doing is finding a natural way for your emotions to have an outlet. If you fail to provide your body with one, chances are you would fall into the uglier temptation of having sex with a man who isn’t your husband, thereby committing the unforgivable offence of adultery.
Sex is like a huge dam of water. Once it gets restless and full, it must be released to control the negative effect on the environment of it overflowing its banks. If you refuse to deal with your feelings, it would deal with you in such a way it would destroy your home and reputation.
Because masturbation is helping you to preserve the dignity of your home and person, don’t feel bad about yourself. It is a stop-gap between you and your husband. For now there is no harm as long as when you join your husband, it doesn’t take his place in your life or become your passion instead of him.
Your situation has made it inevitable for you to find succor in it for the general well being of your home. As long as it is done with decency, decorum and when necessary, don’t feel bad or allow anyone to make you feel you are dirty. This is absolutely important because yours is a child of necessity and not one you developed because you are looking for more excitement.
There comes a time in our lives when we are forced into making some choices we would ordinarily not consider. This is one of those times. It helps to be very honest when one gets to these junctions. What works for one person may not work for another. While one woman maybe strong emotionally to resist the temptation of not being with her husband for years, another woman simply cannot do without sex for more than a day. Another group can manage but occasionally want it desperately. Being honest with one’s capabilities helps to point one at a very clear solution to a particular problem.
Beyond this, there is the need for you and your husband to talk as sincerely as possible about your situation. Let him know how his absence is affecting you and how if nothing is done by him could expose your marriage to unnecessary danger. If he can cope, don’t pretend you can. He should understand how his absence is affecting you emotionally and how at 26, you are at your very high and sensitive. Make him understand there is a limit to the temptations you can be exposed to.
He appears to be taking his time because you are giving him the impression you can cope well with his absence. The moment he knows you are missing his intimacy, is aware of what you are doing to keep from betraying him, he would make haste.
A lot of times, we invite troubles in our homes and lives by our refusal to talk about our fears and difficulties. If both of you are not careful, it will come to a time when your bodies would demand more than masturbation; when it would demand for the whole thing. By then, it might be almost impossible to stop yourself from doing what you don’t want to do.
Two years is a long time in the life of any marriage. It has gotten to that crucial point when you and your husband have to define what is important to your marriage and to the two of you. Money is desirable but we need a family to make that money appreciable.
Unless you both put in the necessary efforts to make this marriage work, this distance may pull it down. Talk to your husband. It is important.
In addition, you need the strength of God to continue to resist the larger and more damaging temptation.
Good luck.
I marvel at the level of intelligence you exhibit when handling even the most difficult and dicey situation. More grace to your elbow.
I am a 26 year old mother of one. My husband left for the United States a year after my son was born and since then hasn’t returned, not because he can’t come back but making frantic efforts for us to join him which I prefer though. It’s been two years since he left and I have not had sex because I am a good Christian and wouldn’t want to commit adultery which I know God detests. I also vowed not to cheat on my husband because he is the best man in the universe and he wouldn’t cheat on me either. But sometimes, I feel horny and at times so strong that I end up masturbating.
My question is, is it a sin to masturbate; even though I have not seen it mention in the Bible? If you say it’s a sin, what do you suggest I do when I feel horny or what can I do to stop feeling horny.
Worried Jane.
Dear Worried Jane,
If we are to go religious on this issue, we would be caught in a web of unnecessary controversies because there are those who think sex and the Bible, two strange fellows. And being a woman, you are not expected to feel any emotions without your husband. The thought of you masturbating in it self, calls to question your claims to be a true Christian.
Besides, anything that goes outside the norm of a man and woman sleeping together inside matrimony is considered a sin; so, we would not provoke needless debate by pegging your solutions solely on religion. For these reasons, l would prefer to address this issue from the view point of what is practicable as well as workable for you and your marriage.
Every marriage has a cross of its own. The amount of sacrifices as well as wisdom a couple puts into the solution of a particular kind of problem goes a long way in ensuring the success or otherwise of a marriage.
Realistically, there is no way you won’t feel horny. It is natural. Once the body is accustomed to having sex, it would always demand for it no matter how hard one tries to discipline it. Being young, there is little or nothing you can do about not having such feelings occasionally. It is your season and reason for being a woman. After all, you are married and is only being forced by circumstances to live as a spinster. Having been used to waking and sleeping with a man by your side, there is no way you won’t feel the loneliness of his absence or not remember those warm nights you spent in his arms. To try to deny that you miss him is like saying those moments never happened.
Since your husband isn’t around and you don’t want to betray your vows, your best option is to masturbate. It is healthier and medically safe because you risk no disease or unwanted pregnancies.
What you are doing is finding a natural way for your emotions to have an outlet. If you fail to provide your body with one, chances are you would fall into the uglier temptation of having sex with a man who isn’t your husband, thereby committing the unforgivable offence of adultery.
Sex is like a huge dam of water. Once it gets restless and full, it must be released to control the negative effect on the environment of it overflowing its banks. If you refuse to deal with your feelings, it would deal with you in such a way it would destroy your home and reputation.
Because masturbation is helping you to preserve the dignity of your home and person, don’t feel bad about yourself. It is a stop-gap between you and your husband. For now there is no harm as long as when you join your husband, it doesn’t take his place in your life or become your passion instead of him.
Your situation has made it inevitable for you to find succor in it for the general well being of your home. As long as it is done with decency, decorum and when necessary, don’t feel bad or allow anyone to make you feel you are dirty. This is absolutely important because yours is a child of necessity and not one you developed because you are looking for more excitement.
There comes a time in our lives when we are forced into making some choices we would ordinarily not consider. This is one of those times. It helps to be very honest when one gets to these junctions. What works for one person may not work for another. While one woman maybe strong emotionally to resist the temptation of not being with her husband for years, another woman simply cannot do without sex for more than a day. Another group can manage but occasionally want it desperately. Being honest with one’s capabilities helps to point one at a very clear solution to a particular problem.
Beyond this, there is the need for you and your husband to talk as sincerely as possible about your situation. Let him know how his absence is affecting you and how if nothing is done by him could expose your marriage to unnecessary danger. If he can cope, don’t pretend you can. He should understand how his absence is affecting you emotionally and how at 26, you are at your very high and sensitive. Make him understand there is a limit to the temptations you can be exposed to.
He appears to be taking his time because you are giving him the impression you can cope well with his absence. The moment he knows you are missing his intimacy, is aware of what you are doing to keep from betraying him, he would make haste.
A lot of times, we invite troubles in our homes and lives by our refusal to talk about our fears and difficulties. If both of you are not careful, it will come to a time when your bodies would demand more than masturbation; when it would demand for the whole thing. By then, it might be almost impossible to stop yourself from doing what you don’t want to do.
Two years is a long time in the life of any marriage. It has gotten to that crucial point when you and your husband have to define what is important to your marriage and to the two of you. Money is desirable but we need a family to make that money appreciable.
Unless you both put in the necessary efforts to make this marriage work, this distance may pull it down. Talk to your husband. It is important.
In addition, you need the strength of God to continue to resist the larger and more damaging temptation.
Good luck.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Days to our wedding his family say I can’t be trusted
By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I just came across your e-mail and your blunt response to this guy that said he married for money. The article is very blunt.
I don’t know if you can help me. There is this old friend of mine in school, even though we are so much in love with each other, we cannot express it because we are in other relationships.
We again met last year after we lost contact for seven years. It was three months to my wedding day. Naturally, I was very happy to hear from him. Besides being an old friend, I still have some feelings for him.
One thing led to the other and he promised to marry me if I leave the man I was going to marry in three months time.
After much thoughts and knowing I love him more than the man I was going to marry, I gave in to him.
But I also decided to ask God for help through prayers. If the signs that followed my request were anything to go by, it would appear that God chose the first man. The second man started complaining about lack of money to continue with our wedding plans, which led to him saying he wanted the wedding ceremony postponed.
Gladly, I accepted since it was in response to my request. I also tried to keep up with the relationship but he wasn’t forthcoming with an alternative date for reasons best known to him. Well, his attitude gave me room to concentrate on my relationship with my old friend.
Things were really going on well between us until we had a disagreement. Being unable to resolve them on our own, I decided to involve his family in the matter. I honestly thought their involvement was for the better. Though they actually helped in resolving the first issue between us, it became another matter entirely when the second disagreement between my boyfriend and I came up.
Rather than resolve the issue at hand, they raked up an issue, which happened when we were in school eight years ago. It has to do with me dating a married man. I haven’t seen this man since I left school, but my boyfriend’s family is pegging their stance on that. They say we cannot get married because I dated a married man while in school.
In their opinion, any girl with such tendency is not only a flirt but cannot be trusted to be faithful in her own marriage.
To my pains, I later discovered that the information of my relationship with this married man came from my boyfriend and just two months to our wedding ceremony, the family has cancelled every plan.
Despite all this, I still love him, and I can bet my life he loves me and want me just like I want him, but he has kept saying that it would be suicidal for him to go against the wishes of his people since in his side of the country, marriage is not an individual thing but a communal arrangement.
His people very much in support of our relationship until the episode of me dating the married man came up. It is one month now since we have been having this problem.
We no longer talk like we used to. I get tempted to call him on a daily basis but I find myself holding back. The last time we talked he promised to be my backbone and my best friend. He said God knows everything and that He alone has the final say.
Agatha, the issue is, I cannot bring myself to forget him. He is constantly on my mind. I see him in everything I do and in my dreams. I feel him going through the same emotional turmoil I am going through. I truly love him.
I know only God sees the hearts of men but I want him in my life.
I have a feeling the mother is behind all our problems because he keeps saying unless he has his family’s support he cannot come back.
I pray day and night that God would show me signs and lead me on what to do. It is so hard for me. I know he truly loves me till this issue came up. We are both in our late 20s. I know if his mother tells him to come back he would because he loves me.
Agatha, I don’t know what to do. Do I keep waiting till he comes back or what? What should I do? I am so confused.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
What do you want from life? What do you understand by love? What values do you hold precious? What makes you think God would answer you this time when you didn’t listen to Him the first time?
Deep inside your mind, you have succeeded in misrepresenting the word love. Love isn’t selfish and painful like you to think. If this man really loves you as you have convinced yourself he does, why did he tell his family about a past he knows they would never approve of?
What were his intentions when he was telling them? To edify you or to destroy within his family circle? This is a question you should ask him. demand to know what he wanted to achieve by telling his family, especially his mother about a past he knows would count against you.
If he were truly in love with you as you seem to think, even if his family got to know about this from other sources, he would be the one denying on your behalf to protect you from ridicule and condemnation from his family members.
He knows his mother more than you and can tell what would upset her moral judgment. For him to have told her about your escapades as a young lady is to give him a perfect excuse to back out of the relationship without being obvious he is the one who cannot get over the type of life you lived as a young lady.
Also your willingness to jettison your boyfriend three months to your wedding ceremony with him for him when he came along could also be a reason for his apprehension. To be frank, what man would take a woman who had no qualms serious about abandoning a man she was altar bound to in three months for another man serious?
Your excitement at leaving your former boyfriend for him at short notice coupled with your past life are enough to him wonder at the type of woman he was getting married to and ponder on what moral values you really have.
Though he gladly puts the blame of his inability to keep up with your marriage plans on the laps of his mother, the truth is, deep down he doesn’t trust you to be a woman he can depend on.
He is afraid the same reasons you had for abandoning the other man for him may arise somewhere in your future and he would find himself gazing after your shadows because you didn’t stop to consider the feeling of others.
That woman you were dating her husband, how did you think she felt all those times her husband was with you, denying her and the children his time, resources and attention for you?
How did you think the man who was to marry you felt when he heard days after he started having problems, you were already in another relationship planning marriage?
You may think he knew nothing about what happened but there is nothing hidden under the sun. How did you think he felt when he complained about lack of money to continue with the wedding plans and instead of you to come up with alternative plans you left him alone to carry the burden. A wife material would do anything within her power to cover the shame of her man.
Love is about selflessness, it is about giving yourself and experiencing yourself in another human being. If you ever loved any of these men, you would put their interest before yours.
What is happening isn’t the making of this man’s mother. he is the unseen hands beating the drums. He doesn’t want you anymore having had second thoughts about your moral values.
You took a gamble and you have lost it. Forget both of them and move on. This time be honest with yourself by listening to what God tells you. Pray for forgiveness and allow His will prevail.
To completely free yourself of the burden of the past, go back to your other boyfriend and beg for forgiveness. You may have hurt him in more ways than you know. Leaving him three months to the wedding couldn’t have been easy on him, his family members and friends. From your own experiences with this other man, you now know much pains he endured when you left him.
Cleaning the slate of the past through apology to him would help the mercy and grace of God flow into your life.
There is no chance of him coming back to you. If he couldn’t convince his family not to cancel your wedding plans two months to the time, how can he now convince them to change their minds about you? He has told you he doesn’t have the will to go against the family’s decisions. What more evidence do you need to know this man’s feelings for you aren’t as strong as you think?
When next you get to speak to him, inform him about your decision to let him be.
To help yourself fair better in your next relationship, know what love entails as well as what type of man would give you the most happiness in life.
Good luck.
My family insists on court marriage
By Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been in a relationship for five years and very much in love with the man in my life. We have a very good relationship. We are close and he is very supportive.
Because he had been married before and has children, it took a while for my family members to give their blessings to the union. His ex has since remarried and lives outside the country. We finally performed our introduction ceremony last year. My people want him to take me to Registry but he says it is not for my family to lord it on him and that the decision to marry is between the two of us.
He is only prepared to go through the native law and custom ceremony and after that go to church for blessing but my family members are scared of me doing native law and custom and then going to church later.
They are of the opinion that he won’t do the church wedding. I finally prevailed on my people to let sleeping dogs lie. But I do not understand what is going on anymore. I’ve told him to come and see my dad so we can fix a date and move on, but he seems to
be in no hurry again, he hardly visits nor has time for me. He sometimes does not call and yet claims there is no problem that I am the one wasting time. He says we should have been living together by now but allowed my family to ridicule him and his family members by giving them ultimatum to go to court within two weeks of our introduction. He is also very angry that none of my family members saw him and his family off when they were leaving our house.
He has changed; each day he says he is coming to see my daddy but won’t come. I am so confused and wondering where to start from at 40. I close late from work and hardly have the avenue to socialise, people at my place of work even think I am married.
What do I do now as he keeps saying as far as he is concerned we are married and there is no problem? Yet time is going and I am tired of being single. I truly have been so attached to him and I haven’t met another person that I like. Please help.
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
At 40, you ought to know better than allow your family members too much interference in your affairs. You are no longer a child in need of protection neither are you too young not to know what you are going into.
You are already at the junction of reality and realistic choices. If you don’t know what you want by now when will you?
Your man is right; marriage is an agreement between two persons. You and your man should have agreed on a common ground before going to your family with your wedding plans. And if both of you had already agreed on it, it was wrong for your family to insist on something else. You should have been more firm and equivocal on what you want.
If his attitude has changed, it is because he is beginning to have second thoughts on the kind of influence your family has over you. The cold reception he was given by your family is enough to question the kind of support he would get from them when he marries you as well as your own ability to withstand their interest whenever it conflicts with his.
In his shoes, chances are you will also get scared if he is unable to stand up for you in the presence of his family members. Irrespective of what your family felt, you should have escorted him and his family when they were leaving. They may be strangers to other members of your family but by virtue of their intentions to marry you, they have become yours. A wise woman must learn from the very beginning of her relationship to play the politics of balance between her family and her in-laws.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that he has every reason to be wary of entering into another marriage that has the hues of problems. He has already gone through a terrible marriage enough for his ex to have re-married. It takes a lot for someone who has gone through a terrible experience to want to do it again. Like snail recoils at the sight of trouble, he is bound to be frightened by the seemingly hostility of your family. It couldn’t have been pleasant for him to have been so rejected by them all. His family members too are bound to ask him questions too, concerning the workability of such a union. It would be emotionally suicidal for him to go into another union with a woman he isn’t sure of.
Unlike a single man who hasn’t the kind of history he has, he must be careful not to give the world the impression that he is the one with the problem especially as his ex is already re-married.
Don’t also forget that he has the interest of his children too to factor into this marriage. If you are unable to make up your mind about the kind of wedding ceremonies you want, what assurances does he have your family won’t tell you how to treat his children?
If he is refusing to come to your father, it is because he isn’t too sure how he feels about the whole thing anymore. He may truly care about you, but isn’t too sure of what he is going into. He needs to rethink and ask himself some vital questions concerning the workability of marrying a woman who appears not to have a mind of her own.
Had you tried to find out from him what he went through in his first marriage, you would have known how to approach the matter.
Like he asked, what do you want? The issue here isn’t whether he marries you in the Registry or not, but simply that of trust. Do you trust him? Why is your family insisting on the Registry? Has it to do with the fact that if anything happens to him, you can claim his property? Has it to do with the fact that he has children from his previous marriage and marrying you at the Registry would give you power and say over his property? These are the questions that would naturally occur to him with the ultimatum being given to him by your family.
Frankly, if you want him, you have to do more than telling him your father wants to see him. He has to be given fresh reasons by you why he should go ahead with marriage plans. To do this right, you also have to ask yourself what you want from him and marriage. One thing is for someone to desire something another thing is for the person to know what to do with it. You may want to get married simply because others are doing it as well as the fact that age isn’t on your side but deep down is this what you really want? It may sound a very silly question but unless you want this marriage and this man very desperately, you won’t know how to fight for your freedom from your parents.
If at 40, you are still being treated like a young inexperienced girl by your family, then something is very wrong somewhere and until you are aware of its source you may never get out of it.
Everyday, you stay on the market shelf; your chances of getting the perfect man depletes so are the kind of choices you can insist on. While a younger girl in her 20s can afford to make all the demands you are now making, you don’t have that many choices.
Marriage is sacrifice. Any man or woman who isn’t ready to make sacrifices for his or her marriage isn’t ready for the journey.
And come to think of it, do you know what demands the next man would make of you?
Even if you have any reservations about his stance, it is always best to dialogue with your man instead of exposing him to your family or outsiders.
Marriage is premised on the feelings and interests of two persons, not the majority.
He needs you to assure him he isn’t about making another mistake before he can have the confidence to come to your family. I am sure once you go to him to talk and discuss his fears, things would change positively between the two of you.
Good luck
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What can I do to stop feeling horny?
Dear Agatha,
I marvel at the level of intelligence you exhibit when handling even the most difficult and dicey situation. More grace to your elbow.
I am a 26 year old mother of one. My husband left for the United States a year after my son was born and since then hasn’t returned, not because he can’t come back but making frantic efforts for us to join him which I prefer though. It’s been two years since he left and I have not had sex because I am a good Christian and wouldn’t want to commit adultery which I know God detests. I also vowed not to cheat on my husband because he is the best man in the universe and he wouldn’t cheat on me either. But sometimes, I feel horny and at times so strong that I end up masturbating.
My question is, is it a sin to masturbate; even though I have not seen it mention in the Bible? If you say it’s a sin, what do you suggest I do when I feel horny or what can I do to stop feeling horny.
Worried Jane.
Dear Worried Jane,
If we are to go religious on this issue, we would be caught in a web of unnecessary controversies because there are those who think sex and the Bible, two strange fellows. And being a woman, you are not expected to feel any emotions without your husband. The thought of you masturbating in it self, calls to question your claims to be a true Christian.
Besides, anything that goes outside the norm of a man and woman sleeping together inside matrimony is considered a sin; so, we would not provoke needless debate by pegging your solutions solely on religion. For these reasons, l would prefer to address this issue from the view point of what is practicable as well as workable for you and your marriage.
Every marriage has a cross of its own. The amount of sacrifices as well as wisdom a couple puts into the solution of a particular kind of problem goes a long way in ensuring the success or otherwise of a marriage.
Realistically, there is no way you won’t feel horny. It is natural. Once the body is accustomed to having sex, it would always demand for it no matter how hard one tries to discipline it. Being young, there is little or nothing you can do about not having such feelings occasionally. It is your season and reason for being a woman. After all, you are married and is only being forced by circumstances to live as a spinster. Having been used to waking and sleeping with a man by your side, there is no way you won’t feel the loneliness of his absence or not remember those warm nights you spent in his arms. To try to deny that you miss him is like saying those moments never happened.
Since your husband isn’t around and you don’t want to betray your vows, your best option is to masturbate. It is healthier and medically safe because you risk no disease or unwanted pregnancies.
What you are doing is finding a natural way for your emotions to have an outlet. If you fail to provide your body with one, chances are you would fall into the uglier temptation of having sex with a man who isn’t your husband, thereby committing the unforgivable offence of adultery.
Sex is like a huge dam of water. Once it gets restless and full, it must be released to control the negative effect on the environment of it overflowing its banks. If you refuse to deal with your feelings, it would deal with you in such a way it would destroy your home and reputation.
Because masturbation is helping you to preserve the dignity of your home and person, don’t feel bad about yourself. It is a stop-gap between you and your husband. For now there is no harm as long as when you join your husband, it doesn’t take his place in your life or become your passion instead of him.
Your situation has made it inevitable for you to find succor in it for the general well being of your home. As long as it is done with decency, decorum and when necessary, don’t feel bad or allow anyone to make you feel you are dirty. This is absolutely important because yours is a child of necessity and not one you developed because you are looking for more excitement.
There comes a time in our lives when we are forced into making some choices we would ordinarily not consider. This is one of those times. It helps to be very honest when one gets to these junctions. What works for one person may not work for another. While one woman maybe strong emotionally to resist the temptation of not being with her husband for years, another woman simply cannot do without sex for more than a day. Another group can manage but occasionally want it desperately. Being honest with one’s capabilities helps to point one at a very clear solution to a particular problem.
Beyond this, there is the need for you and your husband to talk as sincerely as possible about your situation. Let him know how his absence is affecting you and how if nothing is done by him could expose your marriage to unnecessary danger. If he can cope, don’t pretend you can. He should understand how his absence is affecting you emotionally and how at 26, you are at your very high and sensitive. Make him understand there is a limit to the temptations you can be exposed to.
He appears to be taking his time because you are giving him the impression you can cope well with his absence. The moment he knows you are missing his intimacy, is aware of what you are doing to keep from betraying him, he would make haste.
A lot of times, we invite troubles in our homes and lives by our refusal to talk about our fears and difficulties. If both of you are not careful, it will come to a time when your bodies would demand more than masturbation; when it would demand for the whole thing. By then, it might be almost impossible to stop yourself from doing what you don’t want to do.
Two years is a long time in the life of any marriage. It has gotten to that crucial point when you and your husband have to define what is important to your marriage and to the two of you. Money is desirable but we need a family to make that money appreciable.
Unless you both put in the necessary efforts to make this marriage work, this distance may pull it down. Talk to your husband. It is important.
In addition, you need the strength of God to continue to resist the larger and more damaging temptation.
Good luck.
I marvel at the level of intelligence you exhibit when handling even the most difficult and dicey situation. More grace to your elbow.
I am a 26 year old mother of one. My husband left for the United States a year after my son was born and since then hasn’t returned, not because he can’t come back but making frantic efforts for us to join him which I prefer though. It’s been two years since he left and I have not had sex because I am a good Christian and wouldn’t want to commit adultery which I know God detests. I also vowed not to cheat on my husband because he is the best man in the universe and he wouldn’t cheat on me either. But sometimes, I feel horny and at times so strong that I end up masturbating.
My question is, is it a sin to masturbate; even though I have not seen it mention in the Bible? If you say it’s a sin, what do you suggest I do when I feel horny or what can I do to stop feeling horny.
Worried Jane.
Dear Worried Jane,
If we are to go religious on this issue, we would be caught in a web of unnecessary controversies because there are those who think sex and the Bible, two strange fellows. And being a woman, you are not expected to feel any emotions without your husband. The thought of you masturbating in it self, calls to question your claims to be a true Christian.
Besides, anything that goes outside the norm of a man and woman sleeping together inside matrimony is considered a sin; so, we would not provoke needless debate by pegging your solutions solely on religion. For these reasons, l would prefer to address this issue from the view point of what is practicable as well as workable for you and your marriage.
Every marriage has a cross of its own. The amount of sacrifices as well as wisdom a couple puts into the solution of a particular kind of problem goes a long way in ensuring the success or otherwise of a marriage.
Realistically, there is no way you won’t feel horny. It is natural. Once the body is accustomed to having sex, it would always demand for it no matter how hard one tries to discipline it. Being young, there is little or nothing you can do about not having such feelings occasionally. It is your season and reason for being a woman. After all, you are married and is only being forced by circumstances to live as a spinster. Having been used to waking and sleeping with a man by your side, there is no way you won’t feel the loneliness of his absence or not remember those warm nights you spent in his arms. To try to deny that you miss him is like saying those moments never happened.
Since your husband isn’t around and you don’t want to betray your vows, your best option is to masturbate. It is healthier and medically safe because you risk no disease or unwanted pregnancies.
What you are doing is finding a natural way for your emotions to have an outlet. If you fail to provide your body with one, chances are you would fall into the uglier temptation of having sex with a man who isn’t your husband, thereby committing the unforgivable offence of adultery.
Sex is like a huge dam of water. Once it gets restless and full, it must be released to control the negative effect on the environment of it overflowing its banks. If you refuse to deal with your feelings, it would deal with you in such a way it would destroy your home and reputation.
Because masturbation is helping you to preserve the dignity of your home and person, don’t feel bad about yourself. It is a stop-gap between you and your husband. For now there is no harm as long as when you join your husband, it doesn’t take his place in your life or become your passion instead of him.
Your situation has made it inevitable for you to find succor in it for the general well being of your home. As long as it is done with decency, decorum and when necessary, don’t feel bad or allow anyone to make you feel you are dirty. This is absolutely important because yours is a child of necessity and not one you developed because you are looking for more excitement.
There comes a time in our lives when we are forced into making some choices we would ordinarily not consider. This is one of those times. It helps to be very honest when one gets to these junctions. What works for one person may not work for another. While one woman maybe strong emotionally to resist the temptation of not being with her husband for years, another woman simply cannot do without sex for more than a day. Another group can manage but occasionally want it desperately. Being honest with one’s capabilities helps to point one at a very clear solution to a particular problem.
Beyond this, there is the need for you and your husband to talk as sincerely as possible about your situation. Let him know how his absence is affecting you and how if nothing is done by him could expose your marriage to unnecessary danger. If he can cope, don’t pretend you can. He should understand how his absence is affecting you emotionally and how at 26, you are at your very high and sensitive. Make him understand there is a limit to the temptations you can be exposed to.
He appears to be taking his time because you are giving him the impression you can cope well with his absence. The moment he knows you are missing his intimacy, is aware of what you are doing to keep from betraying him, he would make haste.
A lot of times, we invite troubles in our homes and lives by our refusal to talk about our fears and difficulties. If both of you are not careful, it will come to a time when your bodies would demand more than masturbation; when it would demand for the whole thing. By then, it might be almost impossible to stop yourself from doing what you don’t want to do.
Two years is a long time in the life of any marriage. It has gotten to that crucial point when you and your husband have to define what is important to your marriage and to the two of you. Money is desirable but we need a family to make that money appreciable.
Unless you both put in the necessary efforts to make this marriage work, this distance may pull it down. Talk to your husband. It is important.
In addition, you need the strength of God to continue to resist the larger and more damaging temptation.
Good luck.
She doesn’t want me but I love her
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for the counsel you have been providing in helping others in their love lives. I must say you have directly and indirectly impacted great wisdom on those who find your advices important to their love lives.
I do appreciate the last article wherein you advice this man who is in love with this particular lady who unfortunately sees him as only a friend.
I have a case that is similar to this and find your advice very important and constructive. I once had a lady whom I approached for a relationship four years ago. She came up to me this year to say after several times of turning my request down that I did not really inform her officially about my interest in her. She insisted I was too close to her after I asked for her out hence saw me more as a big brother who never failed to give her whatever she asked for including well intentioned advices. From the time I approached her for a relationship to now, none of the boys she has dated has been able to make her happy. They have kept disappointing her.
Now she sees herself as a virus and as such is careful not to infest me with her not too good past but no matter what, I still love her. But of recent I went to see a pastor who told me to allow her be.
I think I still need your advice on how I should continue to relate with her as well as how frequent my visits to her should be. I don’t know if I should stop visiting her to enable me wean myself of this passion I feel for her.
Worried Reader.
Dear Worried Reader,
Pointless to continue in a game in which you are the sole player. It can’t be fun to be in love with a person who isn’t in love with you. She has told you, she sees you as a big brother. It isn’t everybody we are in love with that would reciprocate our feelings. Relationship is a gamble; sometimes we win and at other times we lose.
Your concern should be your own cure and well-being. There is no way you can be have the emotional equilibrium to be fall in love with another woman if you don’t do something about your current emotional web.
Accept your feelings for this woman as one of those things that isn’t meant to be. Move away from her for the time being to give yourself the strength to build up your resistance to her.
Good luck.
Thanks for the counsel you have been providing in helping others in their love lives. I must say you have directly and indirectly impacted great wisdom on those who find your advices important to their love lives.
I do appreciate the last article wherein you advice this man who is in love with this particular lady who unfortunately sees him as only a friend.
I have a case that is similar to this and find your advice very important and constructive. I once had a lady whom I approached for a relationship four years ago. She came up to me this year to say after several times of turning my request down that I did not really inform her officially about my interest in her. She insisted I was too close to her after I asked for her out hence saw me more as a big brother who never failed to give her whatever she asked for including well intentioned advices. From the time I approached her for a relationship to now, none of the boys she has dated has been able to make her happy. They have kept disappointing her.
Now she sees herself as a virus and as such is careful not to infest me with her not too good past but no matter what, I still love her. But of recent I went to see a pastor who told me to allow her be.
I think I still need your advice on how I should continue to relate with her as well as how frequent my visits to her should be. I don’t know if I should stop visiting her to enable me wean myself of this passion I feel for her.
Worried Reader.
Dear Worried Reader,
Pointless to continue in a game in which you are the sole player. It can’t be fun to be in love with a person who isn’t in love with you. She has told you, she sees you as a big brother. It isn’t everybody we are in love with that would reciprocate our feelings. Relationship is a gamble; sometimes we win and at other times we lose.
Your concern should be your own cure and well-being. There is no way you can be have the emotional equilibrium to be fall in love with another woman if you don’t do something about your current emotional web.
Accept your feelings for this woman as one of those things that isn’t meant to be. Move away from her for the time being to give yourself the strength to build up your resistance to her.
Good luck.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
He keeps assassinating my character over unpaid loan
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am very devastated right now.
There is this guy, a colleague, in my former office who asked for help last year concerning his school fees.
I loaned him N50,000 with the understanding he would pay back at the end of that month, November last year.
After a while, he told me he would pay back in June this year but he hasn’t been able to. Now he has told me categorically he will not pay the money and started blackmailing me to anybody that cares to listen that I am demanding my money back because he has refused to go ahead with his earlier decision to marry me.
Agatha, I am not a bad person else I would have done a lot of things that will make him pay back either in cash or in kind.
Please I am so uncomfortable with this type of behaviour and turn of event.
I value my integrity, and people to the glory of God, respect me.
I want to hear from you what you think I can do to this guy.
Please help me.
Your Reader.
Dear Reader,
There are two categories of people on earth: the good and the bad. This guy obviously had no intentions of repaying you that money. He planned it.
I appreciate your sense of disappointment and pains at the way he is repaying a good deed. It is unfortunate but nevertheless, don’t allow him make you do something alien to your character. It isn’t worth it. If you have been able to live without the money for almost a year, it means God is blessing you in more ways than you know.
See the money as a form of sacrifice and hand the matter over to God who knows the way to get him to pay the money several times over on things or problems he isn’t prepared for. He has only told you the kind of person he is and what he doesn’t know is that the same situation that prompted him to beg you for money would certainly happen to him again and this time, he may never find anyone to help him.
If you take on the fight yourself, apart from being unable to deal with him as extensively as God would, you risk committing a crime that could put you on the wrong side of God. This is one instance, you have to allow God do His thing.
Just ignore him to prevent him from further scandalising your name.
It is well.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am very devastated right now.
There is this guy, a colleague, in my former office who asked for help last year concerning his school fees.
I loaned him N50,000 with the understanding he would pay back at the end of that month, November last year.
After a while, he told me he would pay back in June this year but he hasn’t been able to. Now he has told me categorically he will not pay the money and started blackmailing me to anybody that cares to listen that I am demanding my money back because he has refused to go ahead with his earlier decision to marry me.
Agatha, I am not a bad person else I would have done a lot of things that will make him pay back either in cash or in kind.
Please I am so uncomfortable with this type of behaviour and turn of event.
I value my integrity, and people to the glory of God, respect me.
I want to hear from you what you think I can do to this guy.
Please help me.
Your Reader.
Dear Reader,
There are two categories of people on earth: the good and the bad. This guy obviously had no intentions of repaying you that money. He planned it.
I appreciate your sense of disappointment and pains at the way he is repaying a good deed. It is unfortunate but nevertheless, don’t allow him make you do something alien to your character. It isn’t worth it. If you have been able to live without the money for almost a year, it means God is blessing you in more ways than you know.
See the money as a form of sacrifice and hand the matter over to God who knows the way to get him to pay the money several times over on things or problems he isn’t prepared for. He has only told you the kind of person he is and what he doesn’t know is that the same situation that prompted him to beg you for money would certainly happen to him again and this time, he may never find anyone to help him.
If you take on the fight yourself, apart from being unable to deal with him as extensively as God would, you risk committing a crime that could put you on the wrong side of God. This is one instance, you have to allow God do His thing.
Just ignore him to prevent him from further scandalising your name.
It is well.
Good luck.
Despite my sincerity she still double dates…
Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com,agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
you are indeed a rare gem in the tackling of relationship matters. My sincere prayer is that your hands would always be lifted up. I am 25 years old while my girlfriend is 21. She has secondary school leaving certificate. We are childhood friends and I love her so much to the extent I have promised to help preserve her virginity and personality forever.
But the problem is after all the promises we made to each other, when I went back to school she started having problem of poor communication as well as less concern for me.
When I enquired what the problem was, she said nothing was amiss but later sent me a text message complaining that she no longer understood me. Unknown to me, she was already having affairs with someone else.
I came back from school at the end of the semester to find out from her what the problem was with our relationship. She told me it was due to lack of money and assured that everything was okay.
After a week, I came back again because she was ill and was admitted in the hospital. I didn’t understand what the matter was. I had to stay behind until she was discharged. While in the hospital, I kept assuring her of my unconditional love.
Once she was okay, I stopped visiting to concentrate on my vacation job but I soon realised that she would be worried about my long absence especially since I didn’t call to ask after her health, so I went to see her again.
While in their house, I discovered she wasn’t exactly happy with me for not visiting her, knowing I was wrong, I apologised. I also saw some of her friends who rebuked me and told me not to hurt her because she truly loved me.
I later went back with a close friend of mine she knew so well to see her. This time she was very cheerful but as I made to take her phone, she quickly collected it from me.
Her action made me uneasy because I knew she was hiding something from me. I was very determined to get to the bottom of it so I tricked her into parting with her phone.
I read all the text messages she and the guy exchanged. Needless to say, I was disappointed and hurt because she happens to be the only girl in my life.
The worst part of it is that the affair is getting into its second month.
Agatha, I need your advice and help please. I don’t want to lose her.
Tochukwu
Dear Tochukwu,
Even though you were very wrong to go through her text messages, disappointment, heartaches and betrayal are concomitant part of life especially in relationships. To have a whole and human heart, we must at one time or the other experience all these emotions.
Only the tough survives such betrayals. But to satisfy your conscience, let her know you have found out about the other guy in her life. Spill everything you know about the affair and hear what she has to say about it.
Sometimes, these kinds of affairs come from being lonely especially as you are always away in school. Although not a good enough reason for her to betray your trust in her, hearing her reasons would help you come to a clear understanding of all the issues involved.
Not everybody is gifted with the strength and maturity to handle long distant relationship. It may not be for sex but decided to go into it for the sake of having the company of a man around her.
Although it may not always be possible to avoid staying away from one’s partner it is highly imperative for men to take time out to study the nature of their women. The fact that the society expects women to be faithful to their men at all times doesn’t mean all women have the capacity to be. While it is true that some women are out-rightly promiscuous and so cannot be bothered if their men are around them or not, yet there are some who are built to be useless without a man around them.
These women just cannot exist on their own: would always need the presence of a man to make them feel complete. If your woman happens to fall within this category of women, you will need to device a way of visiting her more frequently to kill the urge in her to seek the company of another man.
By listening to her reasons, you would know if she actually did it out of fun or for the reason I have already explained. It is also important you actually ask her at this juncture her reason for agreeing to a relationship with you. Being childhood friends, she just may have gotten used to having you around her; said yes to you out of habit and not from a real knowledge of what she truly feels for you. Fondness could be mistake for love between the two people who have been around each other for a long time.
It may also be out of fear that she may not be good enough for you considering where she has stopped educationally. It may just be a matter of assurances on your part that you won’t consider her inferior after you have finished your examinations.
Ask her to search her heart and tell you what she really feels for you. If the feeling isn’t real, no amount of love you shower on her that would be enough to stop her falling in love with another man. Your feelings for her may come from a true heart of love but the same thing may not be said for her.
If she has compromised her virginity with this man, then it is something deeper than imagined, a clear indication that she may think she has found her true soul mate. The best step would be for you to allow her be because nothing you say or do would ever stop the two of them from continuing until she decides otherwise on her own.
But if she is yet to sleep with him too, both of you can with maturity and proper focus of where your relationship is going to, talk this out with a view of working something positive out. You could start by encouraging her to go back to school even if it is on part-time basis.
Better education could give her the necessary confidence to believe more in herself and abilities. This would make her more settled in with you and the relationship.
Ultimately, God is the only one who has the final say in matters like this. Learn more to trust him because sometimes, He deliberately allows certain situations to stop us from making the wrong decision.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
you are indeed a rare gem in the tackling of relationship matters. My sincere prayer is that your hands would always be lifted up. I am 25 years old while my girlfriend is 21. She has secondary school leaving certificate. We are childhood friends and I love her so much to the extent I have promised to help preserve her virginity and personality forever.
But the problem is after all the promises we made to each other, when I went back to school she started having problem of poor communication as well as less concern for me.
When I enquired what the problem was, she said nothing was amiss but later sent me a text message complaining that she no longer understood me. Unknown to me, she was already having affairs with someone else.
I came back from school at the end of the semester to find out from her what the problem was with our relationship. She told me it was due to lack of money and assured that everything was okay.
After a week, I came back again because she was ill and was admitted in the hospital. I didn’t understand what the matter was. I had to stay behind until she was discharged. While in the hospital, I kept assuring her of my unconditional love.
Once she was okay, I stopped visiting to concentrate on my vacation job but I soon realised that she would be worried about my long absence especially since I didn’t call to ask after her health, so I went to see her again.
While in their house, I discovered she wasn’t exactly happy with me for not visiting her, knowing I was wrong, I apologised. I also saw some of her friends who rebuked me and told me not to hurt her because she truly loved me.
I later went back with a close friend of mine she knew so well to see her. This time she was very cheerful but as I made to take her phone, she quickly collected it from me.
Her action made me uneasy because I knew she was hiding something from me. I was very determined to get to the bottom of it so I tricked her into parting with her phone.
I read all the text messages she and the guy exchanged. Needless to say, I was disappointed and hurt because she happens to be the only girl in my life.
The worst part of it is that the affair is getting into its second month.
Agatha, I need your advice and help please. I don’t want to lose her.
Tochukwu
Dear Tochukwu,
Even though you were very wrong to go through her text messages, disappointment, heartaches and betrayal are concomitant part of life especially in relationships. To have a whole and human heart, we must at one time or the other experience all these emotions.
Only the tough survives such betrayals. But to satisfy your conscience, let her know you have found out about the other guy in her life. Spill everything you know about the affair and hear what she has to say about it.
Sometimes, these kinds of affairs come from being lonely especially as you are always away in school. Although not a good enough reason for her to betray your trust in her, hearing her reasons would help you come to a clear understanding of all the issues involved.
Not everybody is gifted with the strength and maturity to handle long distant relationship. It may not be for sex but decided to go into it for the sake of having the company of a man around her.
Although it may not always be possible to avoid staying away from one’s partner it is highly imperative for men to take time out to study the nature of their women. The fact that the society expects women to be faithful to their men at all times doesn’t mean all women have the capacity to be. While it is true that some women are out-rightly promiscuous and so cannot be bothered if their men are around them or not, yet there are some who are built to be useless without a man around them.
These women just cannot exist on their own: would always need the presence of a man to make them feel complete. If your woman happens to fall within this category of women, you will need to device a way of visiting her more frequently to kill the urge in her to seek the company of another man.
By listening to her reasons, you would know if she actually did it out of fun or for the reason I have already explained. It is also important you actually ask her at this juncture her reason for agreeing to a relationship with you. Being childhood friends, she just may have gotten used to having you around her; said yes to you out of habit and not from a real knowledge of what she truly feels for you. Fondness could be mistake for love between the two people who have been around each other for a long time.
It may also be out of fear that she may not be good enough for you considering where she has stopped educationally. It may just be a matter of assurances on your part that you won’t consider her inferior after you have finished your examinations.
Ask her to search her heart and tell you what she really feels for you. If the feeling isn’t real, no amount of love you shower on her that would be enough to stop her falling in love with another man. Your feelings for her may come from a true heart of love but the same thing may not be said for her.
If she has compromised her virginity with this man, then it is something deeper than imagined, a clear indication that she may think she has found her true soul mate. The best step would be for you to allow her be because nothing you say or do would ever stop the two of them from continuing until she decides otherwise on her own.
But if she is yet to sleep with him too, both of you can with maturity and proper focus of where your relationship is going to, talk this out with a view of working something positive out. You could start by encouraging her to go back to school even if it is on part-time basis.
Better education could give her the necessary confidence to believe more in herself and abilities. This would make her more settled in with you and the relationship.
Ultimately, God is the only one who has the final say in matters like this. Learn more to trust him because sometimes, He deliberately allows certain situations to stop us from making the wrong decision.
Good luck.
My husband lives abroad but has a secret child
Agatha Edo , Email:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 29 years old and married for over four years with a child. I have a big problem; my husband resides overseas while I reside in Nigeria. I had my daughter in 2007 the same year we were married.
Recently, I heard my husband impregnated a lady who gave birth to a baby boy in 2009. He concealed this information from me but I got to hear about the child all the same. I was also told that he refused to accept the child but this doesn’t change the fact that he is the father of the child.
Now, he is in prison because of some personal issues. Because of this, I decided not to open up the wound till he comes out bearing in mind the pains of being in prison. In addition to encouraging him, I also established a little business for the upkeep of the family.
He has been in prison for one year plus but will be released in about two months when after serving his term. We are in constant touch with each other through letters but he keeps asking me for forgiveness without being specific on what he has done.
Last Christmas, we agreed that I should travel to the village but before the date, he called to cancel our initial decision when he found out that the stress of travelling with the baby will be too much.
Somehow things degenerated when I also tried to argue about his sudden change of mind. Issues became heated and he threatened to terminate the marriage and come for his baby. I really felt bad at the hurtful things he said as well as his attitude.
As a result of this, I was afraid of even continuing with the marriage but I also didn’t want a broken marriage at all. But it has brought to the fore that he might do worse things in future. I have been alone and faithful to him for three good years. Please advise me on what to do.
Onyii.
Dear Onyii,
There is no war patience cannot win. Just a little more of it, you would be the one having the last laugh.
There is no way he would have said all those hurtful things to you if you also didn’t complicate matters or try to argue with him on why you think you should go. u. Often times, we conveniently forget our contributions to an impasse and just focus on the reactions of the other person. In marriage, issues cannot be settled amicably if couples insist on apportioning blames for a situation they both contributed to.
If you take time out to look again at that incident objectively, you would agree with me that something you said instigated his response to you. Your disappointment at having all your plans for the trip cancelled by him is enough reason to make you say things you would ordinarily not say but because you were under the influence of anger, you didn’t bother to consider the implications of such utterances.
Since both of you were having this conversation and argument over the phone, a lot of things which personal contact would have cushioned came into the conversation unfiltered. His frustration over your refusal to understand and appreciate his concern for your safety as well as that of the baby made him flare up just as your anger at his seeming insensitivity at cancelling a trip you must have invested time and money on planning.
Again, at every opportunity you have to argue with your husband over an issue, think of the extra difficulties of managing successfully a long distance marriage. While women who live with their husbands can afford to make certain mistakes and get away with it, you cannot afford such luxury else you put your marriage at risk.
Whether you like it or not, the success or failure of your marriage rests with you. The reason is simple, being alone in a foreign land; he is exposed to all manner of temptations and women who want to take your place in his life. Being a man, he can easily fall into temptations. Like in the case of the birth of the baby boy. Unless you are not realistic enough, the society would eventually prevail on you to take him back and learn to accept the presence of his love child.
But nobody would be that lenient with you. Should you as a married woman get close to any man outside your husband, you will be instantly condemned and branded as having low moral values. Either way, it is the man that still wins this game so be very careful what you say or do to him in the present delicate stage of your relationship. For now, only your gentle words, understanding, obedience, appreciation, patience, friendship and prayers can put a check on him. He needs something absolutely good about you to remember and withhold him from falling into the temptations his status in that country offers him.
You are not there physically to act as a restriction for other women but well-worded expressions of trust, respect and encouragement would help him remain faithful to you. No man wants to hurt a woman who is his support base, who is respectful to him as well as shows appreciable understanding for him. Yes, men are built to stray but a lot of them know when to apply the brakes when it comes to that woman who has learnt to be very respectful to them.
A little bit of patience could have averted what obviously has become a sore point in your relationship. Frankly, if you want to manage this marriage, it isn’t too late to make amends especially now that he is in prison and having all the time in the world to reflect on some of his decisions. Let him know that he remains the most important person in your life and that if you have said or done anything in the past to provoke his anger, you are also sorry. There is a limit to the quantity of garbage a marriage can carry. If not off-loaded daily, you risk covering the reason, essence and beauty of the union under the filthiness of the dirt. Your marriage needs a new lease of life everyday to blossom to its full potentials.
Marriages are constantly in need of second chances to write every wrong done the previous day.
As for that baby, I am glad that you are matured enough to know that irrespective of what he says now, he remains the biological father of the child.
No matter the personal pains, don’t fight him or encourage him to abandon the baby. Like every betrayed wife, you have the right to be angry and express your hurt to the man you trusted enough to give up your freedom for but be careful you don’t overdo it for the sake of the innocent life involved.
Ask him what he intends to do about the baby. Don’t involve yourself too much beyond encouraging him to do the right thing for the child. Once he knows he has your support, he would do what is right.
What is happening to him and your marriage is an indication it has gotten to that important stage in your marriage when both of you have to consider living together as a couple. The idea of this transcontinental marriage may have lost its appeal in your marriage.
When he gets out of prison, encourage him to come down for a heart to heart discussion. When a couple stays apart for too long, a lot of things can go wrong not just with the relationship but with their psychology.
This is the time he needs you in that personal way a man needs a woman in his life. Going and coming out of prison will definitely have affected him in more ways than you can imagine. You both need to bond again as man and woman to make your marriage work.
More than ever before, turn full-scale to God because this is the time your marriage and person need Him the most.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 29 years old and married for over four years with a child. I have a big problem; my husband resides overseas while I reside in Nigeria. I had my daughter in 2007 the same year we were married.
Recently, I heard my husband impregnated a lady who gave birth to a baby boy in 2009. He concealed this information from me but I got to hear about the child all the same. I was also told that he refused to accept the child but this doesn’t change the fact that he is the father of the child.
Now, he is in prison because of some personal issues. Because of this, I decided not to open up the wound till he comes out bearing in mind the pains of being in prison. In addition to encouraging him, I also established a little business for the upkeep of the family.
He has been in prison for one year plus but will be released in about two months when after serving his term. We are in constant touch with each other through letters but he keeps asking me for forgiveness without being specific on what he has done.
Last Christmas, we agreed that I should travel to the village but before the date, he called to cancel our initial decision when he found out that the stress of travelling with the baby will be too much.
Somehow things degenerated when I also tried to argue about his sudden change of mind. Issues became heated and he threatened to terminate the marriage and come for his baby. I really felt bad at the hurtful things he said as well as his attitude.
As a result of this, I was afraid of even continuing with the marriage but I also didn’t want a broken marriage at all. But it has brought to the fore that he might do worse things in future. I have been alone and faithful to him for three good years. Please advise me on what to do.
Onyii.
Dear Onyii,
There is no war patience cannot win. Just a little more of it, you would be the one having the last laugh.
There is no way he would have said all those hurtful things to you if you also didn’t complicate matters or try to argue with him on why you think you should go. u. Often times, we conveniently forget our contributions to an impasse and just focus on the reactions of the other person. In marriage, issues cannot be settled amicably if couples insist on apportioning blames for a situation they both contributed to.
If you take time out to look again at that incident objectively, you would agree with me that something you said instigated his response to you. Your disappointment at having all your plans for the trip cancelled by him is enough reason to make you say things you would ordinarily not say but because you were under the influence of anger, you didn’t bother to consider the implications of such utterances.
Since both of you were having this conversation and argument over the phone, a lot of things which personal contact would have cushioned came into the conversation unfiltered. His frustration over your refusal to understand and appreciate his concern for your safety as well as that of the baby made him flare up just as your anger at his seeming insensitivity at cancelling a trip you must have invested time and money on planning.
Again, at every opportunity you have to argue with your husband over an issue, think of the extra difficulties of managing successfully a long distance marriage. While women who live with their husbands can afford to make certain mistakes and get away with it, you cannot afford such luxury else you put your marriage at risk.
Whether you like it or not, the success or failure of your marriage rests with you. The reason is simple, being alone in a foreign land; he is exposed to all manner of temptations and women who want to take your place in his life. Being a man, he can easily fall into temptations. Like in the case of the birth of the baby boy. Unless you are not realistic enough, the society would eventually prevail on you to take him back and learn to accept the presence of his love child.
But nobody would be that lenient with you. Should you as a married woman get close to any man outside your husband, you will be instantly condemned and branded as having low moral values. Either way, it is the man that still wins this game so be very careful what you say or do to him in the present delicate stage of your relationship. For now, only your gentle words, understanding, obedience, appreciation, patience, friendship and prayers can put a check on him. He needs something absolutely good about you to remember and withhold him from falling into the temptations his status in that country offers him.
You are not there physically to act as a restriction for other women but well-worded expressions of trust, respect and encouragement would help him remain faithful to you. No man wants to hurt a woman who is his support base, who is respectful to him as well as shows appreciable understanding for him. Yes, men are built to stray but a lot of them know when to apply the brakes when it comes to that woman who has learnt to be very respectful to them.
A little bit of patience could have averted what obviously has become a sore point in your relationship. Frankly, if you want to manage this marriage, it isn’t too late to make amends especially now that he is in prison and having all the time in the world to reflect on some of his decisions. Let him know that he remains the most important person in your life and that if you have said or done anything in the past to provoke his anger, you are also sorry. There is a limit to the quantity of garbage a marriage can carry. If not off-loaded daily, you risk covering the reason, essence and beauty of the union under the filthiness of the dirt. Your marriage needs a new lease of life everyday to blossom to its full potentials.
Marriages are constantly in need of second chances to write every wrong done the previous day.
As for that baby, I am glad that you are matured enough to know that irrespective of what he says now, he remains the biological father of the child.
No matter the personal pains, don’t fight him or encourage him to abandon the baby. Like every betrayed wife, you have the right to be angry and express your hurt to the man you trusted enough to give up your freedom for but be careful you don’t overdo it for the sake of the innocent life involved.
Ask him what he intends to do about the baby. Don’t involve yourself too much beyond encouraging him to do the right thing for the child. Once he knows he has your support, he would do what is right.
What is happening to him and your marriage is an indication it has gotten to that important stage in your marriage when both of you have to consider living together as a couple. The idea of this transcontinental marriage may have lost its appeal in your marriage.
When he gets out of prison, encourage him to come down for a heart to heart discussion. When a couple stays apart for too long, a lot of things can go wrong not just with the relationship but with their psychology.
This is the time he needs you in that personal way a man needs a woman in his life. Going and coming out of prison will definitely have affected him in more ways than you can imagine. You both need to bond again as man and woman to make your marriage work.
More than ever before, turn full-scale to God because this is the time your marriage and person need Him the most.
Good luck.
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