Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I would be getting married very soon to a man who already has two children from a previous marriage. He is twice my age, and more experienced and rich.
I met him when my boss sent me on an errand. It was raining and he offered to give me a ride to where I was going.
He is well cultured and highly respectful. Although he is almost my mother’s age, yet he is very respectful of my family and very caring.
Since coming into my life, a lot of things have changed for me as well as my family. He not only got my mother some contracts, he also bought a land for my family, which he is also helping to develop.
He equally got me a car and a driver attached.
I admit my family didn’t and still doesn’t like the fact that he is a lot older than I am, at least their attitude towards him is better than it was.
But his children and the other members of his family think I am after his wealth. They think I am a gold digger that has come to reap where I have not sowed.
His two children, all boys are spoilt and very rude. The eldest of the two is like his mother who has repeatedly come to warn me against marrying her husband. She says she didn’t leave her home of her own accord that he drove her away and that she would not allow another woman to enjoy the fruits of her labour.
All attempts to get my husband to explain what went wrong between him and his ex-wife have always met with concrete wall. The last time I tried, he told me never to involve myself in things that don’t concern me that whatever happened between him and his ex-wife is his business and not mine.
For the first time, I experienced his temper and to be truthful, I didn’t like it at all.
I also noticed when he comes to his children; he is always blind to their faults. Nothing I say makes sense to him where his children are concerned.
Agatha, I don’t know what to do about all these.
For instance, he didn’t invite many of his family members to our wedding. He says he can do without them. Only few of his friends know about it. His children say they won’t attend.
Although he is very respectful of my family, he insists the wedding ceremonies would take place in his house.
My challenge now is how do I cope with his children, his ex-wife who still visits the house as well as his attitude?
I love him for the comfort he has brought into my family. What more, he is caring and respectful. Agatha, aren’t these enough reasons for marriage? Must all marriages involve love?
He only allowed me to invite two of my friends. Do you think beneath all these niceties, he has the ability to change? Most of my friends think I am making a huge mistake going into this marriage but coming from a very poor background makes this marriage inevitable for me.
Please teach me what to do. I am already expecting his child.
Timi.
Dear Timi,
With a child on the way and your mind made up that you want to be his wife, there is little anybody or persons can say to stop you getting married to him on the agreed date.
It is a choice you made willingly despite all the warning signs all around you as well as knowing about his not too tidy marital status. At this stage, it is no longer a case of you making a mistake but that of having the strength to stand by your decisions, no matter how ominous the clouds get.
No matter the reasons we go into marriage, what usually makes the difference is our acceptance of the fate that awaits us in the institution.
What you need in this type of marriage is courage. You must have plenty of it to be blind to all his efforts, endure the attitude of his children and ex-wife, to ignore his arrogance and to give him support as his wife.
You may not love him but since you are marrying him for comfort, you must kill your desires for love to any other man. If you don’t, you risk destroying your marriage and making nonsense of the reasons you are marrying him now.
The price that comes with this type of comfort is forfeiture of your happiness the way you know it. From now on your happiness is tied to his apron string. You have to completely learn from the kindergarten stage what happiness means to him with a view of keying into it. Frankly, it is the only way you can enjoy this type of marriage. Playing up what makes him happy and letting go completely of your own personality.
This is particularly necessary at this early stage to give your marriage and you time to fuse. One thing is to be in a marriage another thing is to feel married.
Many people are married without having the feel of it. What makes the difference in a marriage is usually not the reason it was conceived but how it is executed.
If respect, care, and comfort make him your number one choice, you must never expect anything more. Don’t after marriage begin to expect something different from him. To demand for his love midway into the journey is to cause problems for yourself and bring about a crack in the world you have created for yourself.
To make it work, ensure you stay within the context of your agreements.
A lot of problems arise when couples try to change their marriage contents forcefully. If you must change the contents, it is through wisdom and care.
There is no way you can get him to listen to you if you continue to be confrontational where his children are concerned. Don’t forget this salient fact, you may be his wife but those children are his heritage, his reason for being a man and the results of his pride as a man. To fight them is to fight him; to criticise them is to condemn his involvement in their lives.
Besides, these children have a history that predates yours with him, so also is his first wife. When their history is written you will be a stranger to the point you entered his life.
The sacrifice that comes with marrying a previously married man or one with children is to by all means learn to give unconditionally to the children. While it won’t be possible to get the children to love you as a mother, you can achieve friendship and trust if you know how.
It is obvious that nobody, not even the man you are getting married to, trust your motive for marrying him. At any rate, you also know money is a huge reason you are marrying a man twice your age. You must therefore not hold anything they say to you to heart if you plan this marriage to be everlasting.
The tactic is often to make a second wife uncomfortable. The children have their loyalty to their mother who is obviously still bitter and angry over the way things turnout out between her and her man.
Whether justified or not, these two once had a dream, one that produced two children as well as material wealth which you are also benefiting from today. At one time or the other, this pair was happy, drawing support from each other. Don’t make whatever went wrong your business like the man advised. Be neutral because it could also happen to you.
Don’t entertain stories about his ex or your husband. Ignore the past and allow yourself to focus on the present and future.
When next his ex-wife comes to insult you, politely tell her, you are not her problem and leave it at that. When the children calls you name, firmly but courteously remind them, they owe you a certain degree of respect by virtue of being their father’s wife. Explain to them that insulting you is akin to insulting their father because of the relationship that exists between the two of you.
You may not achieve much at the beginning but if you remain calm, supportive and friendly, overtime, they would drop their reservations against you. You have to strive to give them a different picture from what they have in mind.
In their world, stepmothers are monsters, out to poison their father against them. They need a different perspective to change their long held opinion.
As for his ex-wife, unless he has the will to stop her you must learn to cope with the situation.
Irrespective of whatever reasons you have for going into this marriage, you need the grace and presence of God to make it succeed. So always pray.
Good luck
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
My second child is not my biological daughter
Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I got married 17 years ago to a woman who has turned out to be my ruin. She is not only a compulsive nag, but I discovered she is also a liar and a very fetish person.
All these wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t stumbled on the fact that my second daughter isn’t mine. I discovered the truth when my first daughter came back from school with a letter written by the school authority that all new students of the school must as part of their admission letter to the university go for blood tests on HIV, blood group and genotype.
My wife was out of the country so I went with her to the laboratory. Since her younger sister too was also interested in going to that school after her SSC examinations next year, I decided to take her along with me too.
You can therefore imagine my surprise when the results came out. The two results were very dissimilar. Both her genotype and her blood group didn’t match her sister’s whose results bore semblance to mine.
I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife and I were both AA and O positive. She was AS and A. I took the result to our family doctor who knew all along that something was wrong with my second daughter’s medical history.
Being close to the family, he refused to be drawn into anything. He told me to wait for my wife to come back before jumping into the wrong reasons.
For the first time since marrying her, she didn’t say much when I confronted her with the results. The tears in her eyes as well as her attitude confirmed my suspicions; my second child isn’t my biological daughter.
According to her, she belonged to her former boss who raped her on an official assignment to Jos. She said she didn’t know how to tell me because I might not have believed her.
I recall the haste and anger with which she left the job at that time despite not having another job.
This girl happens to be my favourite, the real star of the family and despite knowing the details of her birth, I still love her with all my heart.
The truth is, in another circumstance, I would have forgiven my wife but given her attitude over the past years, I want to use this opportunity to drive her away from my home and life. I realise I made a terrible mistake marrying her but how do I drive away my wife without it affecting the children. My mother, who has been having a running battle with my wife wants her to go but insists the child is mine traditionally. Eight years ago she tried to poison my mother. It was this girl who saw her mother and raised an alarm against her. But for her boldness to challenge her mother, my own mother would be dead by now. For this, my mother loves her more than all her grandchildren put together.
My wife told me that she took the decision to end my mother’s life because she was told that my mother was the cause of her inability to conceive after her second child.
I am confused. Please help me. I don’t want that daughter to go but I don’t want her mother in my life again.
C.
Dear C,
I want you to appreciate that marriage is a bumpy journey of many ups and downs. It is a journey threaded in a web of conspiracy, intrigues, politics, friendship, secrets and all other emotions. At no point in it are the answers very clear. Only determination makes it possible for two people, from completely alien backgrounds, ideologies, temperaments and perspectives to life to continue to live together.
She nags because this is her person; it is part of the person you fell in love with; you have stayed with for 17 years.
If she were that bad, would you have still stayed with her for these numbers of years? Is her classification of being a bad wife a label to do away with her in the light of the secret she has kept all these years; to finally grant your mother’s long wish of getting rid of her enemy? Until now, why didn’t the issue of her trying to poison your mother elicit the concomitant reaction from you, insisting she leaves your house on the grounds of cruelty and criminal tendency? The crime of trying to kill your mother is serious if true. If you didn’t take very serious actions against her, it means somewhere in your maze of confusion, you still love her. You may not understand it for what it is - unconditional love - but it is only such kind of love that would make a man still keep the woman who tried to poison his mother under his roof without fear that she might be tempted to use the remaining substance on him.
To get past the immediacy of your current pains, look at the mystery of what has kept you together for these years? Precisely what has made you endure her shortcomings even when you are going through so much pain and disappointment with the choice you made to marry her?
This is the time for you to be truthful to yourself, to go beyond what you see to those things you don’t see but only get to know when you take the time to look deeper.
Beyond the pains of now and the changes we all go through during marriage, is a feeling we must learn to deal with.
This is your primus test, one that would either make or mar your marriage. What is this feeling saying? It is very important you deal with this feeling before moving on to other things because it holds the key between happiness and regrets.
If you are able to decipher this feeling correctly; forgiving her would be easy. It may not come suddenly but at least it would make conversation, reasoning and decisions on the way forward very easy.
The tragedy of being unable to have a matured discussion on this matter is the danger it presents to the family you have built over the years. From your own admission, the girl in question is your favorite as well as your mother’s. What would be your excuse for terminating her closeness to you; her love for you and yours for her? Is your love for her simply on the premise of her being your daughter only or the person that encases her body? Does your love have to do with the hopes she represents by her special gifts; her promises for the future and the dreams embedded in her own achievements as a person?
If your love for her is simply based on the fact that she is your daughter and nothing more; then it might be difficult for you to continue to endure her presence in your life in which case, it would be easy for you to transfer the affection to your real daughter. In this case you would not lose much by asking your wife to go with her daughter because at that point she ceases to be your daughter altogether and becomes the sole responsibility of the woman who gave birth to her.
But if the love is more profound, complex and a combination of all the other things, it would be impossible for you to let go. In your hurt and pains, you would always remember with clarity the first time she was placed into your arms; her first smile, word and steps. You would not fail to remember all those things that make her history and yours interwoven. It means over the years, she has touched you in no other way anybody has been able to do.
The implication of not having her in your life would be the death of a part of you.
For the sake of this girl you have come to love as yourself, whose presence gives you the fulfillment of a father, who has been able to bridge the gap between your mother and wife, forgive her.
I know it is hard to forgive a deceitful person who kept such earth shaking secret from you but it is too late in the day to punish her for it because the life of an innocent party would be affected if the wrong decision is taken.
If true she was raped by her boss, would you have believed her if she had told you? Would you have given her a chance to defend herself considering it happened in a hotel room during an official assignment? It would have been easy for you to take on the wrong end of the stick. While not trying to defend her decision to have kept the information away from you but we are all humans. Some situations leave us with no other choice but to keep quiet. At the point she did it, it wasn’t meant to hurt you or anybody but to secure her home and preserve the love and dignity of the man she married. How would you have felt knowing that another man defiled your wife? Would your ego have been able to take it back then?
Nothing happens without the knowledge of God. He may have planned the secret to be revealed at the point He knows you would be more matured to handle it.
You must also consider the fact that she too was a victim. The fact that she was raped, she got pregnant from the unpleasant experience and has had to endure the secrets with all the attendant fears and dread of being found out is more than enough punishment for her. It isn’t easy to keep such a secret and must have been relieved by all the development. At least now, she has the freedom in her heart to face life without fear.
Love is all about forgiveness and the best way is for us to look at our own inadequacies too as a person. In our own shortcomings, lie the strength of another and in their own failures, our strength.
Both of you should use this opportunity provided by this incident to fine-tune your marriage. It is an opportunity for you to allow all your suppressed anger to overflow without care. After the storm comes the calm.
Marriage endures through the process of forgiveness and endurances. Once you make up your mind to forgive, God would make it very easy for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I got married 17 years ago to a woman who has turned out to be my ruin. She is not only a compulsive nag, but I discovered she is also a liar and a very fetish person.
All these wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t stumbled on the fact that my second daughter isn’t mine. I discovered the truth when my first daughter came back from school with a letter written by the school authority that all new students of the school must as part of their admission letter to the university go for blood tests on HIV, blood group and genotype.
My wife was out of the country so I went with her to the laboratory. Since her younger sister too was also interested in going to that school after her SSC examinations next year, I decided to take her along with me too.
You can therefore imagine my surprise when the results came out. The two results were very dissimilar. Both her genotype and her blood group didn’t match her sister’s whose results bore semblance to mine.
I didn’t know what to make of it. My wife and I were both AA and O positive. She was AS and A. I took the result to our family doctor who knew all along that something was wrong with my second daughter’s medical history.
Being close to the family, he refused to be drawn into anything. He told me to wait for my wife to come back before jumping into the wrong reasons.
For the first time since marrying her, she didn’t say much when I confronted her with the results. The tears in her eyes as well as her attitude confirmed my suspicions; my second child isn’t my biological daughter.
According to her, she belonged to her former boss who raped her on an official assignment to Jos. She said she didn’t know how to tell me because I might not have believed her.
I recall the haste and anger with which she left the job at that time despite not having another job.
This girl happens to be my favourite, the real star of the family and despite knowing the details of her birth, I still love her with all my heart.
The truth is, in another circumstance, I would have forgiven my wife but given her attitude over the past years, I want to use this opportunity to drive her away from my home and life. I realise I made a terrible mistake marrying her but how do I drive away my wife without it affecting the children. My mother, who has been having a running battle with my wife wants her to go but insists the child is mine traditionally. Eight years ago she tried to poison my mother. It was this girl who saw her mother and raised an alarm against her. But for her boldness to challenge her mother, my own mother would be dead by now. For this, my mother loves her more than all her grandchildren put together.
My wife told me that she took the decision to end my mother’s life because she was told that my mother was the cause of her inability to conceive after her second child.
I am confused. Please help me. I don’t want that daughter to go but I don’t want her mother in my life again.
C.
Dear C,
I want you to appreciate that marriage is a bumpy journey of many ups and downs. It is a journey threaded in a web of conspiracy, intrigues, politics, friendship, secrets and all other emotions. At no point in it are the answers very clear. Only determination makes it possible for two people, from completely alien backgrounds, ideologies, temperaments and perspectives to life to continue to live together.
She nags because this is her person; it is part of the person you fell in love with; you have stayed with for 17 years.
If she were that bad, would you have still stayed with her for these numbers of years? Is her classification of being a bad wife a label to do away with her in the light of the secret she has kept all these years; to finally grant your mother’s long wish of getting rid of her enemy? Until now, why didn’t the issue of her trying to poison your mother elicit the concomitant reaction from you, insisting she leaves your house on the grounds of cruelty and criminal tendency? The crime of trying to kill your mother is serious if true. If you didn’t take very serious actions against her, it means somewhere in your maze of confusion, you still love her. You may not understand it for what it is - unconditional love - but it is only such kind of love that would make a man still keep the woman who tried to poison his mother under his roof without fear that she might be tempted to use the remaining substance on him.
To get past the immediacy of your current pains, look at the mystery of what has kept you together for these years? Precisely what has made you endure her shortcomings even when you are going through so much pain and disappointment with the choice you made to marry her?
This is the time for you to be truthful to yourself, to go beyond what you see to those things you don’t see but only get to know when you take the time to look deeper.
Beyond the pains of now and the changes we all go through during marriage, is a feeling we must learn to deal with.
This is your primus test, one that would either make or mar your marriage. What is this feeling saying? It is very important you deal with this feeling before moving on to other things because it holds the key between happiness and regrets.
If you are able to decipher this feeling correctly; forgiving her would be easy. It may not come suddenly but at least it would make conversation, reasoning and decisions on the way forward very easy.
The tragedy of being unable to have a matured discussion on this matter is the danger it presents to the family you have built over the years. From your own admission, the girl in question is your favorite as well as your mother’s. What would be your excuse for terminating her closeness to you; her love for you and yours for her? Is your love for her simply on the premise of her being your daughter only or the person that encases her body? Does your love have to do with the hopes she represents by her special gifts; her promises for the future and the dreams embedded in her own achievements as a person?
If your love for her is simply based on the fact that she is your daughter and nothing more; then it might be difficult for you to continue to endure her presence in your life in which case, it would be easy for you to transfer the affection to your real daughter. In this case you would not lose much by asking your wife to go with her daughter because at that point she ceases to be your daughter altogether and becomes the sole responsibility of the woman who gave birth to her.
But if the love is more profound, complex and a combination of all the other things, it would be impossible for you to let go. In your hurt and pains, you would always remember with clarity the first time she was placed into your arms; her first smile, word and steps. You would not fail to remember all those things that make her history and yours interwoven. It means over the years, she has touched you in no other way anybody has been able to do.
The implication of not having her in your life would be the death of a part of you.
For the sake of this girl you have come to love as yourself, whose presence gives you the fulfillment of a father, who has been able to bridge the gap between your mother and wife, forgive her.
I know it is hard to forgive a deceitful person who kept such earth shaking secret from you but it is too late in the day to punish her for it because the life of an innocent party would be affected if the wrong decision is taken.
If true she was raped by her boss, would you have believed her if she had told you? Would you have given her a chance to defend herself considering it happened in a hotel room during an official assignment? It would have been easy for you to take on the wrong end of the stick. While not trying to defend her decision to have kept the information away from you but we are all humans. Some situations leave us with no other choice but to keep quiet. At the point she did it, it wasn’t meant to hurt you or anybody but to secure her home and preserve the love and dignity of the man she married. How would you have felt knowing that another man defiled your wife? Would your ego have been able to take it back then?
Nothing happens without the knowledge of God. He may have planned the secret to be revealed at the point He knows you would be more matured to handle it.
You must also consider the fact that she too was a victim. The fact that she was raped, she got pregnant from the unpleasant experience and has had to endure the secrets with all the attendant fears and dread of being found out is more than enough punishment for her. It isn’t easy to keep such a secret and must have been relieved by all the development. At least now, she has the freedom in her heart to face life without fear.
Love is all about forgiveness and the best way is for us to look at our own inadequacies too as a person. In our own shortcomings, lie the strength of another and in their own failures, our strength.
Both of you should use this opportunity provided by this incident to fine-tune your marriage. It is an opportunity for you to allow all your suppressed anger to overflow without care. After the storm comes the calm.
Marriage endures through the process of forgiveness and endurances. Once you make up your mind to forgive, God would make it very easy for you.
Good luck.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
She keeps coming back for forgiveness
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your kind assistance to the society. God will continue to reward you abundantly in Jesus name.
I am one of your favourite readers and I must confess that I learnt a lot which is why I have to come to you and members of the public with my own. Like all others now that I have come to you, I am confident you will also put a smile on my face.
My relationship started with this girl in 1998 when I was posted to Jos during my youth service year.
She was still in secondary school then, now a graduate. Unfortunately, she betrayed my trust after all the promises we made to each other.
She is now an orphan. She lost her father long before I met her and her mother in 2003.
Due to the natural love I have for her, I promised to marry her, but to my pains and disappointment she got pregnant for another man who is unemployed and lives off his parents.
When I was initially told she was pregnant for another man I wept. I searched my heart for whatever I might have done wrong to her. This is a lady I have never maltreated, have never offended and have always accorded so much respect.
Because of her, I have closed my heart and eyes to any other woman. You can therefore imagine my hurt and pains especially since I have promised to marry her. I have all it takes to make a woman comfortable and everything to keep her company when I am not around. To say the least I wept bitterly. However, I still made attempts to see her to know why she did what she did.
To me she was the perfect girl of my dreams. That was in 2004.
Thereafter, I made up my mind never to trust any woman again.
I would have succeeded at this if she hadn’t come back into my life in 2006. In tears she came to plead for my forgiveness and to explain that she had given the baby to its father’s parents following due legal process in the court.
Against my better judgement and for the sake of the true love I have for her, I decided to take her back. After settling everything in court, she came to stay with me for four months. During this period, we planned our wedding ceremony, including prepaying for everything we needed for that day.
Since her parents were dead I called her sister to inform her of my intention to come and formally ask for the hand of her sister for marriage. She gave me a date.
Unknown to me another embarrassment and humiliation awaited me. For reasons best known to her, she acted as if she didn’t even know me or my friends who came with me. She didn’t offer us anything, not even water to drink. Confused, my friends demanded an explanation from her over her very cold reception.
Her response even surprised me the more. She claimed she was confused and before we knew what was happening she started crying. We were still trying to solve this riddle when a woman came into the room to ask her to hurry up as she was to accompany her to the market and that it was getting late.
The drama cumulated with her asking us to leave since she had to accompany the woman to the market.
I was shocked to my marrow. My friends and I agreed something was wrong somewhere but the puzzle resolved itself with the appearance of the father of her child in their house as we were about to enter into the car we came in with.
Immediately my girlfriend saw him, she stood still. After he left, I demanded some explanation from her but she still insisted she was confused but promised to come to my house to offer full explanations.
That was the last I saw of her.
It has been over a year. Though I am currently on a foreign assignment, I am still finding it very difficult to approach women due to this inherent fear I have that I would again be betrayed. I feel women are betrayers.
My reason for writing you is that a friend of me called to say this lady was charmed by the father of her child. This he achieved by summiting her picture to an herbalist. According to this friend, the potency of this charm has waned and that she is now asking for me.
Because I had earlier warned my friends never to give her any information about me, they haven’t told her where I am.
Please, Agatha, what do you want me to do? Unfortunately, despite everything she has done, I still love this girl but afraid of another disappointment and sincerely I don’t think my heart can withstand another of such treatments from her. Please tell me what to do.
Eli-One
Dear Eli-One,
The ultimate choice is yours to make because you are the one who can correctly measure your feelings for her, know what makes her extra special to you, know most things others don’t know about her and know what you want from life.
Concern over a good choice of a spouse comes from the effect a wrong choice not only have on the individual but other persons who have one or two reasons to associate with the person.
For instance, there is no way you would function properly and optimally in your job if your love life or home is in shambles. You need a good, understanding and trustworthy woman by your side to keep you going. This is why we sometimes say love is not often enough to make a couple absolutely happy.
You may love this woman with every fiber of your being but can you trust her to stay faithful to you always? Does she have what it really takes to make you comfortable to leave her for a long period of time, like in this situation where you are out of the country?
What guarantees do you have that the other man would not charm her again to begin to misbehave?
Taking her back into your life isn’t the issue. It is more than that. Have you ever tried to find out why she got involved with this man in the first place? Something must have brought about their making of that baby while she was still with you. If she were really in love with you, do you think she would have gone to the extent of sleeping with another man, let alone having a baby for him?
To be honest, there is no way both of you can ever be an item if she doesn’t first settle the issue of the bond between her and the father of her child. It wouldn’t have mattered so much if he existed in her life before you but that she got pregnant for him while she is supposed to be involved with you.
Currently, she is touting charm as being the second reason for her dumping you, what would be her next reason? We always have a good reason from our own perspective to the things we do. She would never run out of reasons and excuses. For this reason, you must know what brought them together to guide you in your final decision.
An understanding of the attraction between them from the beginning would give you a crystal picture of the type of likely challenges you would be encountering with her.
Also you must endeavour to understand the intensity of the other man’s feelings for her. Who he is and what he is capable of doing. If he truly charmed her into maltreating you when you went to her family in company of your friends to demand for her hand in marriage, then he is capable of other sinister things. You may think he doesn’t matter once your lady marries you but there is no way he would not continue to feature in your lives by virtue of that child that binds them. Children are a very magnetic lot capable of making two sworn enemies become friends overnight when their interest and life is at stake. Can you handle the use of that child as a prawn of blackmail by the man to always get close to your woman?
This is an angle you have all to tackle as clearly and logically as possible if you hope to be happy with this woman and your marriage to her. While it would be cruel to deny her the essential opportunity to see her child, it is also in your best interest to set the rules in your own marriage from the moment you decide to have her back in your life. The peculiarity of a situation makes patent solutions inevitable. You must fashion out a plan that would give you the most happiness in your marriage because your situation is different from that of many other couples who have children from other people before they met. Something has to go from her end to give you the assurance required by you to accept her back. Ask her what she is ready to give up for now?
With this type of woman, it is best, you don’t allow the sentiment of your heart rule you else your pains would become perennial.
If she is claiming confusion as her major reason for all the pains she is causing you, it is also important you demand to know what her dreams for her tomorrows are. That she is a graduate doesn’t confer on her the literacy demanded to maintain a good home and relationship. Encourage her to tell you about her ideal home and man. Her response would give you the answer to the question you are too afraid to ask her but which is making you this apprehensive about taking her back into your life.
Her family’s attitude also comes to play. Why would the sister give you a date when she knew there was nothing on ground? It is also necessary you understand their sentiments and thoughts to prevent more embarrassments especially if the man is from their area and you are not.
If the family didn’t support the other boy, the embarrassment you and your friends suffered on that day would have been avoided. So it is not just a matter of her looking for you but of her giving you a soft landing in her family circle.
But in all these, go first to God to ask for His directions and help. You need Him earnestly to be happy in life. To achieve this, you must let go of whatever sentiment you have for this lady for the will of God. To forgive her is one thing; to be sure she is worthy to be your wife is another thing. So don’t mix them up.
Don’t rush into any decision until you tackle all the outstanding issues at sake as well as the support of God in whatever you eventually decide to do.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your kind assistance to the society. God will continue to reward you abundantly in Jesus name.
I am one of your favourite readers and I must confess that I learnt a lot which is why I have to come to you and members of the public with my own. Like all others now that I have come to you, I am confident you will also put a smile on my face.
My relationship started with this girl in 1998 when I was posted to Jos during my youth service year.
She was still in secondary school then, now a graduate. Unfortunately, she betrayed my trust after all the promises we made to each other.
She is now an orphan. She lost her father long before I met her and her mother in 2003.
Due to the natural love I have for her, I promised to marry her, but to my pains and disappointment she got pregnant for another man who is unemployed and lives off his parents.
When I was initially told she was pregnant for another man I wept. I searched my heart for whatever I might have done wrong to her. This is a lady I have never maltreated, have never offended and have always accorded so much respect.
Because of her, I have closed my heart and eyes to any other woman. You can therefore imagine my hurt and pains especially since I have promised to marry her. I have all it takes to make a woman comfortable and everything to keep her company when I am not around. To say the least I wept bitterly. However, I still made attempts to see her to know why she did what she did.
To me she was the perfect girl of my dreams. That was in 2004.
Thereafter, I made up my mind never to trust any woman again.
I would have succeeded at this if she hadn’t come back into my life in 2006. In tears she came to plead for my forgiveness and to explain that she had given the baby to its father’s parents following due legal process in the court.
Against my better judgement and for the sake of the true love I have for her, I decided to take her back. After settling everything in court, she came to stay with me for four months. During this period, we planned our wedding ceremony, including prepaying for everything we needed for that day.
Since her parents were dead I called her sister to inform her of my intention to come and formally ask for the hand of her sister for marriage. She gave me a date.
Unknown to me another embarrassment and humiliation awaited me. For reasons best known to her, she acted as if she didn’t even know me or my friends who came with me. She didn’t offer us anything, not even water to drink. Confused, my friends demanded an explanation from her over her very cold reception.
Her response even surprised me the more. She claimed she was confused and before we knew what was happening she started crying. We were still trying to solve this riddle when a woman came into the room to ask her to hurry up as she was to accompany her to the market and that it was getting late.
The drama cumulated with her asking us to leave since she had to accompany the woman to the market.
I was shocked to my marrow. My friends and I agreed something was wrong somewhere but the puzzle resolved itself with the appearance of the father of her child in their house as we were about to enter into the car we came in with.
Immediately my girlfriend saw him, she stood still. After he left, I demanded some explanation from her but she still insisted she was confused but promised to come to my house to offer full explanations.
That was the last I saw of her.
It has been over a year. Though I am currently on a foreign assignment, I am still finding it very difficult to approach women due to this inherent fear I have that I would again be betrayed. I feel women are betrayers.
My reason for writing you is that a friend of me called to say this lady was charmed by the father of her child. This he achieved by summiting her picture to an herbalist. According to this friend, the potency of this charm has waned and that she is now asking for me.
Because I had earlier warned my friends never to give her any information about me, they haven’t told her where I am.
Please, Agatha, what do you want me to do? Unfortunately, despite everything she has done, I still love this girl but afraid of another disappointment and sincerely I don’t think my heart can withstand another of such treatments from her. Please tell me what to do.
Eli-One
Dear Eli-One,
The ultimate choice is yours to make because you are the one who can correctly measure your feelings for her, know what makes her extra special to you, know most things others don’t know about her and know what you want from life.
Concern over a good choice of a spouse comes from the effect a wrong choice not only have on the individual but other persons who have one or two reasons to associate with the person.
For instance, there is no way you would function properly and optimally in your job if your love life or home is in shambles. You need a good, understanding and trustworthy woman by your side to keep you going. This is why we sometimes say love is not often enough to make a couple absolutely happy.
You may love this woman with every fiber of your being but can you trust her to stay faithful to you always? Does she have what it really takes to make you comfortable to leave her for a long period of time, like in this situation where you are out of the country?
What guarantees do you have that the other man would not charm her again to begin to misbehave?
Taking her back into your life isn’t the issue. It is more than that. Have you ever tried to find out why she got involved with this man in the first place? Something must have brought about their making of that baby while she was still with you. If she were really in love with you, do you think she would have gone to the extent of sleeping with another man, let alone having a baby for him?
To be honest, there is no way both of you can ever be an item if she doesn’t first settle the issue of the bond between her and the father of her child. It wouldn’t have mattered so much if he existed in her life before you but that she got pregnant for him while she is supposed to be involved with you.
Currently, she is touting charm as being the second reason for her dumping you, what would be her next reason? We always have a good reason from our own perspective to the things we do. She would never run out of reasons and excuses. For this reason, you must know what brought them together to guide you in your final decision.
An understanding of the attraction between them from the beginning would give you a crystal picture of the type of likely challenges you would be encountering with her.
Also you must endeavour to understand the intensity of the other man’s feelings for her. Who he is and what he is capable of doing. If he truly charmed her into maltreating you when you went to her family in company of your friends to demand for her hand in marriage, then he is capable of other sinister things. You may think he doesn’t matter once your lady marries you but there is no way he would not continue to feature in your lives by virtue of that child that binds them. Children are a very magnetic lot capable of making two sworn enemies become friends overnight when their interest and life is at stake. Can you handle the use of that child as a prawn of blackmail by the man to always get close to your woman?
This is an angle you have all to tackle as clearly and logically as possible if you hope to be happy with this woman and your marriage to her. While it would be cruel to deny her the essential opportunity to see her child, it is also in your best interest to set the rules in your own marriage from the moment you decide to have her back in your life. The peculiarity of a situation makes patent solutions inevitable. You must fashion out a plan that would give you the most happiness in your marriage because your situation is different from that of many other couples who have children from other people before they met. Something has to go from her end to give you the assurance required by you to accept her back. Ask her what she is ready to give up for now?
With this type of woman, it is best, you don’t allow the sentiment of your heart rule you else your pains would become perennial.
If she is claiming confusion as her major reason for all the pains she is causing you, it is also important you demand to know what her dreams for her tomorrows are. That she is a graduate doesn’t confer on her the literacy demanded to maintain a good home and relationship. Encourage her to tell you about her ideal home and man. Her response would give you the answer to the question you are too afraid to ask her but which is making you this apprehensive about taking her back into your life.
Her family’s attitude also comes to play. Why would the sister give you a date when she knew there was nothing on ground? It is also necessary you understand their sentiments and thoughts to prevent more embarrassments especially if the man is from their area and you are not.
If the family didn’t support the other boy, the embarrassment you and your friends suffered on that day would have been avoided. So it is not just a matter of her looking for you but of her giving you a soft landing in her family circle.
But in all these, go first to God to ask for His directions and help. You need Him earnestly to be happy in life. To achieve this, you must let go of whatever sentiment you have for this lady for the will of God. To forgive her is one thing; to be sure she is worthy to be your wife is another thing. So don’t mix them up.
Don’t rush into any decision until you tackle all the outstanding issues at sake as well as the support of God in whatever you eventually decide to do.
Good luck.
I can’t live to trust him again…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have been married for 24 years now. Two years ago, I discovered my husband has a love child and when I went to him to confirm if the information is true or not, he told me he wasn’t ready to talk to me about it.
But recently he woke me up not only to confirm the existence of this child who is 22 years of age, but also to inform me of his intentions to invite him over to the house.
I was shocked that for 22 years not only has he kept such vital information from me but that he has also being unfaithful for that long. I plan to end my marriage because I don’t think I can bring myself to trust him or believe anything he says again.
Mrs. Idagu.
Dear Mrs. Idagu,
Definitely the presence of a 22 years stepchild in a marriage of 24 years of age should shock you. You won’t be human if you don’t feel betrayed and pained at what your man has done to you.
You are equally right to feel that you can never trust him again as well as wanting to put as much distance between you and the man capable of hiding such important information from you.
Yes, the first impulse is to end the marriage but when you reflect on all you have been through as a person and as a couple, you will discover that going your different ways may not look so enticing at the end of the day.
So many things and factors make marriage the mixture of the bittersweet experience it is. The patterns are often too complex and confusing for us to interpret correctly. Trying to attribute a particular pattern to the institution often than not leaves a person very mystified and tired.
Because marriage draws its strength from the complexities of the human mind, it is only logical that from time to time, it would suffer major setbacks as well as hurtful experiences.
Doubtless, the fact that he could hide such a fundamental information from you all these years, makes this case extremely full of twists and turns but not enough for you to make you forget all the struggles, aches, peace and joy you have invested into the survival of the choice you made more than quarter of a century ago.
For you to have stayed with him all these years, something very right must be going on in your marriage. You may not have taken note of the reason until now but doing so now would help you recover all that you are about to throw away because of the disappointment you are now feeling towards your husband and marriage.
But take time out of all the pains and betrayals that have now characterise your marriage and go back to the very beginning. Trust me, this is the time your marriage needs such sentimental trips to the beginning of it all.
What was the attraction then? I am sure a lot of men must have come to you, with all sorts of proposals before he came to you. For you to have settled for him, you must have seen something different, a special feature that makes him completely different from all the other men whose offers you turned down.
Can you recall what that is or why you found all the other men unsuitable for you?
This is the crucial time you need such aids to help point you at the right directions. You need to have something very tangible to hold on to, something very personal between the two of you to make you want to stay and fight for your happiness. If you continue to focus only on your pains and sense of betrayal, it might not be easy for you to ignore the pains of this moment or the determination not to group this child with the father.
We all go through very dry spells in life and marriage especially. At almost every turn, the institution manifests thorns and needles that keep puncturing into emptiness all our carefully laid out plans.
Without doubts, stepchildren weren’t part of your plans when you married him but now that it has happened, there is nothing you can do to change reality.
This is one of the nightmares of many women, but one majority of marriages is daily contending with which means you don’t have a patent for it.
Given the age of your marriage and this child, chances are he and your first child would be within the same age bracket, which means you must thread your reactions with a lot of caution. Wisdom demands you allow him come into your home first, give you both the necessary opportunity to talk as two adults without the presence of his father.
For the sake of your children in particular, you must not do anything that would aggravate the situation especially against the background that he is a son and for the reason that your husband is one of those men who doesn’t talk much. It is always very easy when provoked to lump things together. If you are too hostile to his son and him, he may be driven to become hostile to your children irrespective of the salient fact that they are his children too.
The momentary hurt of your rejection of him and his son may make him also reject you as well as your children. For this reason be careful because whatever you do now would boomerang on your children. African men and their families are always very sentimental about things like this. If you don’t handle it with care, focus would shift from what he did to righteousness of your reactions. Those who may have supported your cause would be forced to offer protection to this young man against your children.
Whether you walk away from this marriage or not, it won’t change the paternity of your children or their relationship with this young man.
Besides, natural inquisitiveness of the young may not make them support your decision to leave their father because of this man. The excitement of meeting and getting to know him may pit you against one or two of them.
After 24 years of marriage, where do you want to start? Why do you want to leave your home at this time for a marital offence that is as old as time itself? What would be your gain? Would it change the way the man feels about his child or make the child vanish into thin air?
In addition to meeting the boy, insist your husband making him talk about it. Let him know you are very hurt and disappointed at him. That your pains don’t come from knowing he has a child but that he could keep the information from you for 22 years. Tell him his attitude makes you completely afraid of the many other things he could be hiding from you.
It would afford him the opportunity to explain the reasons for his actions as well as provide you with clues to how his mind works and his assessment of you.
That he could keep the information from you all these while might not only be out of fear but something deeper. Do you know what it could be? Knowing it could be the key to a lot of the challenges you are going through in your home. Besides you ought to know who the mother of your stepson is, his history as well as person. Don’t forget he shares a fundamental history with your children, an important one you must never take for granted.
This might be the best opportunity for you both to revisit some unpleasant scenes in your marital journey. What are your own faults too? Can you imagine why he went to this other woman so early in your marriage? What were you like then?
This calls for absolute sincerity because it is the only way this matter can be buried for good. What sort of home did you give him back then? Though it is no excuse for him to do what he did, but most men only need the slightest reason to misbehave.
If you fail to look deeply into the past, to appreciate all the mistakes you both made in your early years, you may never be able to move beyond this point.
Some of the major mistakes and damage we do to our marriages go back to the very beginning, especially the first seven years. Those years set the major pattern in our marriage. Once the euphoria of the wedding becomes over and a couple settles down to the process of marriage, if care is not taken, those nascent years may drown all their hopes leaving the marriage an empty shell of regrets and broken promises.
While not trying to pre-empt him, your combined mistakes of those early years may have brought about this problem and the fact that you both managed to stay together all these years doesn’t mean the problems caused by your early attitudes went away.
If you are truthful, you would notice that the people you are now aren’t the same people that signed the wedding register 24 years ago. The years have redefined your person and this isn’t because you are getting older and wiser, rather it has more to do with the disappointments. Most times we have learnt to adjust our attitudes along the line of not wanting to be disappointed anymore than we are instead of along the line of understanding that as individuals trying to build a home, pains and disappointments are parts of the natural processes.
Wherever it would come from, forgive him, because leaving your home would only create an opening for another to enjoy your investment and hard work. You have worked to make him achieve whatever he has achieved – this is your time to reap. Nothing is worth leaving your labours for another to gain.
Don’t give another woman the satisfaction of getting into your home from the back doors.
Above all, learn to pray because God has all the answers.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have been married for 24 years now. Two years ago, I discovered my husband has a love child and when I went to him to confirm if the information is true or not, he told me he wasn’t ready to talk to me about it.
But recently he woke me up not only to confirm the existence of this child who is 22 years of age, but also to inform me of his intentions to invite him over to the house.
I was shocked that for 22 years not only has he kept such vital information from me but that he has also being unfaithful for that long. I plan to end my marriage because I don’t think I can bring myself to trust him or believe anything he says again.
Mrs. Idagu.
Dear Mrs. Idagu,
Definitely the presence of a 22 years stepchild in a marriage of 24 years of age should shock you. You won’t be human if you don’t feel betrayed and pained at what your man has done to you.
You are equally right to feel that you can never trust him again as well as wanting to put as much distance between you and the man capable of hiding such important information from you.
Yes, the first impulse is to end the marriage but when you reflect on all you have been through as a person and as a couple, you will discover that going your different ways may not look so enticing at the end of the day.
So many things and factors make marriage the mixture of the bittersweet experience it is. The patterns are often too complex and confusing for us to interpret correctly. Trying to attribute a particular pattern to the institution often than not leaves a person very mystified and tired.
Because marriage draws its strength from the complexities of the human mind, it is only logical that from time to time, it would suffer major setbacks as well as hurtful experiences.
Doubtless, the fact that he could hide such a fundamental information from you all these years, makes this case extremely full of twists and turns but not enough for you to make you forget all the struggles, aches, peace and joy you have invested into the survival of the choice you made more than quarter of a century ago.
For you to have stayed with him all these years, something very right must be going on in your marriage. You may not have taken note of the reason until now but doing so now would help you recover all that you are about to throw away because of the disappointment you are now feeling towards your husband and marriage.
But take time out of all the pains and betrayals that have now characterise your marriage and go back to the very beginning. Trust me, this is the time your marriage needs such sentimental trips to the beginning of it all.
What was the attraction then? I am sure a lot of men must have come to you, with all sorts of proposals before he came to you. For you to have settled for him, you must have seen something different, a special feature that makes him completely different from all the other men whose offers you turned down.
Can you recall what that is or why you found all the other men unsuitable for you?
This is the crucial time you need such aids to help point you at the right directions. You need to have something very tangible to hold on to, something very personal between the two of you to make you want to stay and fight for your happiness. If you continue to focus only on your pains and sense of betrayal, it might not be easy for you to ignore the pains of this moment or the determination not to group this child with the father.
We all go through very dry spells in life and marriage especially. At almost every turn, the institution manifests thorns and needles that keep puncturing into emptiness all our carefully laid out plans.
Without doubts, stepchildren weren’t part of your plans when you married him but now that it has happened, there is nothing you can do to change reality.
This is one of the nightmares of many women, but one majority of marriages is daily contending with which means you don’t have a patent for it.
Given the age of your marriage and this child, chances are he and your first child would be within the same age bracket, which means you must thread your reactions with a lot of caution. Wisdom demands you allow him come into your home first, give you both the necessary opportunity to talk as two adults without the presence of his father.
For the sake of your children in particular, you must not do anything that would aggravate the situation especially against the background that he is a son and for the reason that your husband is one of those men who doesn’t talk much. It is always very easy when provoked to lump things together. If you are too hostile to his son and him, he may be driven to become hostile to your children irrespective of the salient fact that they are his children too.
The momentary hurt of your rejection of him and his son may make him also reject you as well as your children. For this reason be careful because whatever you do now would boomerang on your children. African men and their families are always very sentimental about things like this. If you don’t handle it with care, focus would shift from what he did to righteousness of your reactions. Those who may have supported your cause would be forced to offer protection to this young man against your children.
Whether you walk away from this marriage or not, it won’t change the paternity of your children or their relationship with this young man.
Besides, natural inquisitiveness of the young may not make them support your decision to leave their father because of this man. The excitement of meeting and getting to know him may pit you against one or two of them.
After 24 years of marriage, where do you want to start? Why do you want to leave your home at this time for a marital offence that is as old as time itself? What would be your gain? Would it change the way the man feels about his child or make the child vanish into thin air?
In addition to meeting the boy, insist your husband making him talk about it. Let him know you are very hurt and disappointed at him. That your pains don’t come from knowing he has a child but that he could keep the information from you for 22 years. Tell him his attitude makes you completely afraid of the many other things he could be hiding from you.
It would afford him the opportunity to explain the reasons for his actions as well as provide you with clues to how his mind works and his assessment of you.
That he could keep the information from you all these while might not only be out of fear but something deeper. Do you know what it could be? Knowing it could be the key to a lot of the challenges you are going through in your home. Besides you ought to know who the mother of your stepson is, his history as well as person. Don’t forget he shares a fundamental history with your children, an important one you must never take for granted.
This might be the best opportunity for you both to revisit some unpleasant scenes in your marital journey. What are your own faults too? Can you imagine why he went to this other woman so early in your marriage? What were you like then?
This calls for absolute sincerity because it is the only way this matter can be buried for good. What sort of home did you give him back then? Though it is no excuse for him to do what he did, but most men only need the slightest reason to misbehave.
If you fail to look deeply into the past, to appreciate all the mistakes you both made in your early years, you may never be able to move beyond this point.
Some of the major mistakes and damage we do to our marriages go back to the very beginning, especially the first seven years. Those years set the major pattern in our marriage. Once the euphoria of the wedding becomes over and a couple settles down to the process of marriage, if care is not taken, those nascent years may drown all their hopes leaving the marriage an empty shell of regrets and broken promises.
While not trying to pre-empt him, your combined mistakes of those early years may have brought about this problem and the fact that you both managed to stay together all these years doesn’t mean the problems caused by your early attitudes went away.
If you are truthful, you would notice that the people you are now aren’t the same people that signed the wedding register 24 years ago. The years have redefined your person and this isn’t because you are getting older and wiser, rather it has more to do with the disappointments. Most times we have learnt to adjust our attitudes along the line of not wanting to be disappointed anymore than we are instead of along the line of understanding that as individuals trying to build a home, pains and disappointments are parts of the natural processes.
Wherever it would come from, forgive him, because leaving your home would only create an opening for another to enjoy your investment and hard work. You have worked to make him achieve whatever he has achieved – this is your time to reap. Nothing is worth leaving your labours for another to gain.
Don’t give another woman the satisfaction of getting into your home from the back doors.
Above all, learn to pray because God has all the answers.
Good luck.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Natural penis enlargement please, my wife says it’s tiny
With Agatha Edo; email: gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I commend you for your effort in answering the so many questions to our problems.
I am a married man but my wife is always complaining about the smallness of my manhood.
I don’t want to take drug due to its side effect in future. I want you to advise me on ways of enlarging my male organ. I would prefer a natural method. I would sincerely appreciate an urgent response.
S.Y.
Dear S.Y.,
It is amazing the way most men worry about the size of their manhood. One would have thought with the amount of information on sex, men would stop worry about the size and concentrate more on what can be achieved with what they have.
Sincerely, for most women size may not matter as much as the effectiveness of the art provided men are ready to break new grounds as well as do away with traditional stereotypes that insist sex is a forbidden thing, and done only for procreation and should not be recreational. Within the bounds of marriage, such stereotypes only serve to dull excitement embedded in the marriage package. This is why men continue to think size is the same thing as efficiency and authority. Women respect the efficiency and the sense of responsibility of a man not the size of his manhood.
Therefore, there is nothing stopping a man with smaller manhood from sexually satisfying a woman. This is because only the first few inches of the virginal are sexually receptive, hence once a man is able to have contact with the outer rim of the virginal he can satisfy his woman sexually. Besides the clitoris is placed where any size can reach it. This is because God, in his infinite wisdom, designed the woman’s body in such a way to get satisfaction and give it to any man even if small sized.
Size is more psychological than biological. It only becomes an issue if couples allow it a place of pride in their relationships.
This is one issue that has continually come up despite all attempts at resolving it. It keeps coming up.
In the first place, nobody can tell what the ideal size of a woman’s breasts or male organ should be but a recent survey puts the average size of an active male organ at between 5.5 to 6.3 inches. But the majority falls between 4.7 and 5.1 inches.
However the secret to complete happiness is for a man to be happy with what he has because that is what makes him unique. This is the point you must learn to accept yourself. Yes, your wife has an opinion but you must make her understand that your size has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy her. If she loves you, she would not leave you for another man no matter the challenge with your size. What you both need is a lot of imagination as well as the openness to experiment without reservations.
When it comes to the art of lovemaking, size and width do not matter as much as the imagination of a couple. Some men are excessively endowed but find it extremely difficult to get any woman to stay with them because of the inability of most women to accommodate them.
To get a woman to stay with them such men must learn, just like less endowed men to rely more on their hands, tongues and mouths to get the female going. These are the art that makes one experience more different from the other.
Because love within a marriage is meant to be expressed beyond measure, a definite gift from God, you and your wife must first bury whatever prejudices you both grew up with. To get to the kernel, lot of work, perseverance, interest as well as determination must first be deployed towards cracking the shell. The same principle applies to the art of lovemaking especially where a couple hits a challenge like yours.
You, being the one with the perceived problem, must be willing to do everything within limits to ensure your partner doesn’t escape with the feeling of being cheated or anger at being deceived by you into a union she won’t get the maximum sexual satisfaction from.
To this end you must encourage her to speak out her mind at every point, listen to her suggestions on how to please her as well as follow with a clear mind her initiatives.
Like every other thing in life, lovemaking isn’t static. It must be continually upgraded and distilled to give a couple the right blends. This means a couple must not only strive to achieve excellence but must do everything to patent their own act to fit into their uniqueness. For example, the technique that works for your friend and his partner may not work for you because they don’t have the challenge you and your partner have.
So you must first evaluate not only the urgent problems but all those that are hidden as well. For instance is the issue only that of you not having the ideal length of manhood? Would having the ideal length solve the problem of your lack of sexual satisfaction once and for all? Remember that for most women, satisfaction and not the size of the male organ is what matters at the end of the day.
Make her talk and give her the concomitant freedom to really express herself on the matter. Don’t shut her up, feel bad or get suspicious when she is making her opinion on the matter known. Although your wife, she is an adult with an adult mind and desires, hence must be given the same recognition as you to be happy with the choice she made to love you unconditionally.
The danger of not involving her in your quest for solutions is the possibility of losing her completely to another man. This is one salient fact you must not overlook. She has the right to discontinue if she feels she is not being given the right to her desires. This is why you must enlist her help. So tell your wife to stop complaining and think of productive ways of achieving sexual satisfaction with you. Tell her she has all the freedom in the world to use her imagination to help both of you become better lovers because you are both licensed by God and man to tap into sex unlimited nectar.
This is the only way to make her stop complaining as well as secure her only understanding and support to make her happy. You have to break away from the traditions that insist sexual satisfaction falls under the exclusive male list. This is the point where men and the society create problems within the marriage institution. When there is a sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage framework, irrespective of who is complaining, it behooves the couple to adopt a liberal and sincere attitude towards its solution. Frankly when it comes to the delicate issue of sex, it is neither a man or woman world. Rather, it is a world of happiness and satisfaction.
What you should do is to look for quality books that talk about positions and postures couple seeking ultimate joy in sex should adopt. There are some positions that seem to give more volume to the male organ. Google the Internet for information on such books or ask your book retailer. These books are not pornography materials, rather they are well researched quality books put together by highly educated individuals who from years of researches know that sex to man is as important as the air we all breathe. Once man is able to overcome the pretenses and admit to the essence of sex, solutions to sexual challenges become very easy.
As for your second question, yes there are ways to increase the size of a male organ but some of them are dubious, which is why it is very important a couple works at finding its own rhythm, rather than concentrating efforts at getting a solution that might not be forthcoming or could lead to more emotional and psychological frustrations at the end of the day.
There are penile enhancement surgeries where penis can be lengthened to more than 10 inches. But the urgent question is how would you determine the depth of your woman’s body? The average for a woman is about four to eight inches, which means your woman might not be able to accommodate you if you are very huge. Do you really want to get into measuring your anatomy like a tailor measuring clothes? Would your wife in her quest to make you have the right size allow her depth to be measured so that you are done to fit her perfectly?
In addition, these operations cost real money because they fall within the category of plastic surgery. Do you have the money and at the end of the day, would the fee charged be worth the satisfaction?
There are also many herbal pills and exercises that claim to increase size but you may have to go to NAFDAC to get the list of such drugs cleared for human consumption. It would be interesting to know what animals these drugs claiming this magic were first tested on before releasing them for human consumption.
Believe me, your imagination and willingness to experiment remains your best bet.
Don’t forget that God that made both of you an item has already knows why and has given both of you the individual as well as collective strength to achieve the impossible together. There is subject or problem He is ignorant of. Asking Him for help and wisdom would also help you and your wife greatly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I commend you for your effort in answering the so many questions to our problems.
I am a married man but my wife is always complaining about the smallness of my manhood.
I don’t want to take drug due to its side effect in future. I want you to advise me on ways of enlarging my male organ. I would prefer a natural method. I would sincerely appreciate an urgent response.
S.Y.
Dear S.Y.,
It is amazing the way most men worry about the size of their manhood. One would have thought with the amount of information on sex, men would stop worry about the size and concentrate more on what can be achieved with what they have.
Sincerely, for most women size may not matter as much as the effectiveness of the art provided men are ready to break new grounds as well as do away with traditional stereotypes that insist sex is a forbidden thing, and done only for procreation and should not be recreational. Within the bounds of marriage, such stereotypes only serve to dull excitement embedded in the marriage package. This is why men continue to think size is the same thing as efficiency and authority. Women respect the efficiency and the sense of responsibility of a man not the size of his manhood.
Therefore, there is nothing stopping a man with smaller manhood from sexually satisfying a woman. This is because only the first few inches of the virginal are sexually receptive, hence once a man is able to have contact with the outer rim of the virginal he can satisfy his woman sexually. Besides the clitoris is placed where any size can reach it. This is because God, in his infinite wisdom, designed the woman’s body in such a way to get satisfaction and give it to any man even if small sized.
Size is more psychological than biological. It only becomes an issue if couples allow it a place of pride in their relationships.
This is one issue that has continually come up despite all attempts at resolving it. It keeps coming up.
In the first place, nobody can tell what the ideal size of a woman’s breasts or male organ should be but a recent survey puts the average size of an active male organ at between 5.5 to 6.3 inches. But the majority falls between 4.7 and 5.1 inches.
However the secret to complete happiness is for a man to be happy with what he has because that is what makes him unique. This is the point you must learn to accept yourself. Yes, your wife has an opinion but you must make her understand that your size has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy her. If she loves you, she would not leave you for another man no matter the challenge with your size. What you both need is a lot of imagination as well as the openness to experiment without reservations.
When it comes to the art of lovemaking, size and width do not matter as much as the imagination of a couple. Some men are excessively endowed but find it extremely difficult to get any woman to stay with them because of the inability of most women to accommodate them.
To get a woman to stay with them such men must learn, just like less endowed men to rely more on their hands, tongues and mouths to get the female going. These are the art that makes one experience more different from the other.
Because love within a marriage is meant to be expressed beyond measure, a definite gift from God, you and your wife must first bury whatever prejudices you both grew up with. To get to the kernel, lot of work, perseverance, interest as well as determination must first be deployed towards cracking the shell. The same principle applies to the art of lovemaking especially where a couple hits a challenge like yours.
You, being the one with the perceived problem, must be willing to do everything within limits to ensure your partner doesn’t escape with the feeling of being cheated or anger at being deceived by you into a union she won’t get the maximum sexual satisfaction from.
To this end you must encourage her to speak out her mind at every point, listen to her suggestions on how to please her as well as follow with a clear mind her initiatives.
Like every other thing in life, lovemaking isn’t static. It must be continually upgraded and distilled to give a couple the right blends. This means a couple must not only strive to achieve excellence but must do everything to patent their own act to fit into their uniqueness. For example, the technique that works for your friend and his partner may not work for you because they don’t have the challenge you and your partner have.
So you must first evaluate not only the urgent problems but all those that are hidden as well. For instance is the issue only that of you not having the ideal length of manhood? Would having the ideal length solve the problem of your lack of sexual satisfaction once and for all? Remember that for most women, satisfaction and not the size of the male organ is what matters at the end of the day.
Make her talk and give her the concomitant freedom to really express herself on the matter. Don’t shut her up, feel bad or get suspicious when she is making her opinion on the matter known. Although your wife, she is an adult with an adult mind and desires, hence must be given the same recognition as you to be happy with the choice she made to love you unconditionally.
The danger of not involving her in your quest for solutions is the possibility of losing her completely to another man. This is one salient fact you must not overlook. She has the right to discontinue if she feels she is not being given the right to her desires. This is why you must enlist her help. So tell your wife to stop complaining and think of productive ways of achieving sexual satisfaction with you. Tell her she has all the freedom in the world to use her imagination to help both of you become better lovers because you are both licensed by God and man to tap into sex unlimited nectar.
This is the only way to make her stop complaining as well as secure her only understanding and support to make her happy. You have to break away from the traditions that insist sexual satisfaction falls under the exclusive male list. This is the point where men and the society create problems within the marriage institution. When there is a sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage framework, irrespective of who is complaining, it behooves the couple to adopt a liberal and sincere attitude towards its solution. Frankly when it comes to the delicate issue of sex, it is neither a man or woman world. Rather, it is a world of happiness and satisfaction.
What you should do is to look for quality books that talk about positions and postures couple seeking ultimate joy in sex should adopt. There are some positions that seem to give more volume to the male organ. Google the Internet for information on such books or ask your book retailer. These books are not pornography materials, rather they are well researched quality books put together by highly educated individuals who from years of researches know that sex to man is as important as the air we all breathe. Once man is able to overcome the pretenses and admit to the essence of sex, solutions to sexual challenges become very easy.
As for your second question, yes there are ways to increase the size of a male organ but some of them are dubious, which is why it is very important a couple works at finding its own rhythm, rather than concentrating efforts at getting a solution that might not be forthcoming or could lead to more emotional and psychological frustrations at the end of the day.
There are penile enhancement surgeries where penis can be lengthened to more than 10 inches. But the urgent question is how would you determine the depth of your woman’s body? The average for a woman is about four to eight inches, which means your woman might not be able to accommodate you if you are very huge. Do you really want to get into measuring your anatomy like a tailor measuring clothes? Would your wife in her quest to make you have the right size allow her depth to be measured so that you are done to fit her perfectly?
In addition, these operations cost real money because they fall within the category of plastic surgery. Do you have the money and at the end of the day, would the fee charged be worth the satisfaction?
There are also many herbal pills and exercises that claim to increase size but you may have to go to NAFDAC to get the list of such drugs cleared for human consumption. It would be interesting to know what animals these drugs claiming this magic were first tested on before releasing them for human consumption.
Believe me, your imagination and willingness to experiment remains your best bet.
Don’t forget that God that made both of you an item has already knows why and has given both of you the individual as well as collective strength to achieve the impossible together. There is subject or problem He is ignorant of. Asking Him for help and wisdom would also help you and your wife greatly.
Good luck.
Monday, July 4, 2011
My children are my husband’s source of riches
Marriage Clinic with Agatha Edo, womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a passionate reader of your column. I won’t pretend that the problem I am about to share with you is new. I have always suspected it but I am completely helpless.
I am in my 40s and have been married for almost 20 years. My husband is stupendously rich and known in the society. This is why I have been reluctant to discuss this with anybody. To everybody he is a successful businessman and philanthropist but I know the source of his money is behind a closed door he has never allowed me to go into since I married him.
When I gave birth to my first son and he seemed incapable of doing anything by himself, it was given medical reasons. Then I believed the doctors and my husband but I began to suspect something wasn’t right somewhere when certain inexplicable things began to happen in my home.
For instance, my husband is always so generous when the condition of my son worsens. During those times, my husband would be extra nice to him but when he is getting better he becomes so hostile to him to the point of hatred. If you ask him for money at such times, he would snap at you.
Secondly, he has the best houses and cars without his business being visible. He claims to be into body care business but there is really nothing to show from that, although the outside world thinks otherwise.
Why I am writing you is because of what happened some weeks ago. I had gone with my friend to see a pastor over the inability of my second son to move beyond a point in his education and my daughter who at 15 is already sexually active. It is so bad; I caught her with my driver in the car. Although I sacked the driver but something tells me, it is no remedy.
The worst thing is her unrepentant attitude. I know it is more than just the usual teenage rebellion. She was sent abroad but we had to bring her back because of this problem.
The pastor asked me to ask my husband what he was doing with my children and that unless he confesses, the situation of my children would go from bad to worse.
Knowing the erratic nature of my husband, I couldn’t confront him but I know that he is truly responsible. Having lived with him all these years, I know the things my husband has done. Do I report him to the Police? I am a desperate mother who wants the best for her children. What do I do? Please conceal my identity.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Frankly, this is a choice you have to make on your own. Nobody can make this all important decision for you. You have to make the choice between your children and commitment to your husband. You are the one in the marriage, you know why you have kept quiet all these years as well as why you have supported your husband in his quest to be rich.
Now that you want to open up, you also have a reason for it. What is between you and your husband is very deep for a third party to intervene. Although you presented yourself as the weak party, the helpless one, the fact remains that there is no way you can absolve yourself of complicity in this whole thing.
Having lived with him for the number of years you have, you can’t deny spending the money he got from these rituals. If you have always suspected him of being responsible for your son’s mental condition, accepting money from him, spending it on yourself and children shows support for his ways. In a way too, you encouraged him to feed on the other children. Had you risen to challenge him not minding his temper, daring him to do his worst, there is no way he would have had the boldness to do what he liked with your remaining children.
He may be a hard and ruthless man but, given the possibility of you exposing him to the world, he would have thought twice before using another child in the house.
Chances are he may not even be directly responsible for the plight of your children. They just might be victims of repercussions as a result of the many souls their father destroyed and is still destroying for money. You are witnessing it to feel what the parents of all those innocent souls he used to get rich and keep his family in affluence are going through.
Now, you want to come out in the open because you can no longer endure all that is happening to your children. Would you have considered reporting your husband to the Police if his deeds didn’t catch up with your children, didn’t affect you as a person? Chances are you wouldn’t if your own children weren’t giving you problems.
While you are perfectly within your rights to do as you please, also consider your own contributions to the kind of life your husband is living. Would you have ever considered marrying him if he weren’t rich? You may not be his initial reason for his actions but you and the children eventually became the grounds for keeping at it. You in particular through you silence, gave him all the support to think he is on the right path. A wife is more than a woman who takes care of the home, she is her husband’s support base and his strength. She has the capacity to make him stop so many things she doesn’t want in his life.
What efforts have you made all these years to stop your man from his destructive ways?
Ensure that the step you take is one that you are more than prepared for its consequences. To stay in it is dangerous just as it is to report him to the law enforcement officials. Whatever your choice is at the end of the day, be prepared to fight for your life as well as those of your children if what you say concerning your husband is true. Other members of the cult would definitely fight back because it won’t just be him but all of them that you would be taking on.
You need the presence and strength of God to win this battle. So go first on your knees and beg for this power to not just fight but to win.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a passionate reader of your column. I won’t pretend that the problem I am about to share with you is new. I have always suspected it but I am completely helpless.
I am in my 40s and have been married for almost 20 years. My husband is stupendously rich and known in the society. This is why I have been reluctant to discuss this with anybody. To everybody he is a successful businessman and philanthropist but I know the source of his money is behind a closed door he has never allowed me to go into since I married him.
When I gave birth to my first son and he seemed incapable of doing anything by himself, it was given medical reasons. Then I believed the doctors and my husband but I began to suspect something wasn’t right somewhere when certain inexplicable things began to happen in my home.
For instance, my husband is always so generous when the condition of my son worsens. During those times, my husband would be extra nice to him but when he is getting better he becomes so hostile to him to the point of hatred. If you ask him for money at such times, he would snap at you.
Secondly, he has the best houses and cars without his business being visible. He claims to be into body care business but there is really nothing to show from that, although the outside world thinks otherwise.
Why I am writing you is because of what happened some weeks ago. I had gone with my friend to see a pastor over the inability of my second son to move beyond a point in his education and my daughter who at 15 is already sexually active. It is so bad; I caught her with my driver in the car. Although I sacked the driver but something tells me, it is no remedy.
The worst thing is her unrepentant attitude. I know it is more than just the usual teenage rebellion. She was sent abroad but we had to bring her back because of this problem.
The pastor asked me to ask my husband what he was doing with my children and that unless he confesses, the situation of my children would go from bad to worse.
Knowing the erratic nature of my husband, I couldn’t confront him but I know that he is truly responsible. Having lived with him all these years, I know the things my husband has done. Do I report him to the Police? I am a desperate mother who wants the best for her children. What do I do? Please conceal my identity.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Frankly, this is a choice you have to make on your own. Nobody can make this all important decision for you. You have to make the choice between your children and commitment to your husband. You are the one in the marriage, you know why you have kept quiet all these years as well as why you have supported your husband in his quest to be rich.
Now that you want to open up, you also have a reason for it. What is between you and your husband is very deep for a third party to intervene. Although you presented yourself as the weak party, the helpless one, the fact remains that there is no way you can absolve yourself of complicity in this whole thing.
Having lived with him for the number of years you have, you can’t deny spending the money he got from these rituals. If you have always suspected him of being responsible for your son’s mental condition, accepting money from him, spending it on yourself and children shows support for his ways. In a way too, you encouraged him to feed on the other children. Had you risen to challenge him not minding his temper, daring him to do his worst, there is no way he would have had the boldness to do what he liked with your remaining children.
He may be a hard and ruthless man but, given the possibility of you exposing him to the world, he would have thought twice before using another child in the house.
Chances are he may not even be directly responsible for the plight of your children. They just might be victims of repercussions as a result of the many souls their father destroyed and is still destroying for money. You are witnessing it to feel what the parents of all those innocent souls he used to get rich and keep his family in affluence are going through.
Now, you want to come out in the open because you can no longer endure all that is happening to your children. Would you have considered reporting your husband to the Police if his deeds didn’t catch up with your children, didn’t affect you as a person? Chances are you wouldn’t if your own children weren’t giving you problems.
While you are perfectly within your rights to do as you please, also consider your own contributions to the kind of life your husband is living. Would you have ever considered marrying him if he weren’t rich? You may not be his initial reason for his actions but you and the children eventually became the grounds for keeping at it. You in particular through you silence, gave him all the support to think he is on the right path. A wife is more than a woman who takes care of the home, she is her husband’s support base and his strength. She has the capacity to make him stop so many things she doesn’t want in his life.
What efforts have you made all these years to stop your man from his destructive ways?
Ensure that the step you take is one that you are more than prepared for its consequences. To stay in it is dangerous just as it is to report him to the law enforcement officials. Whatever your choice is at the end of the day, be prepared to fight for your life as well as those of your children if what you say concerning your husband is true. Other members of the cult would definitely fight back because it won’t just be him but all of them that you would be taking on.
You need the presence and strength of God to win this battle. So go first on your knees and beg for this power to not just fight but to win.
Good luck.
I don’t know what to do
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Greetings to you in the name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I am one of your readers. I pray God gives you an answer to my problem.
Sometime ago I was into a relationship with a guy who was a graduate. I started a relationship with him while he was not working. Then he used to plead with me to be patient with him that things would change once he gets a job. I didn’t mind because I loved him so much.
He got a job seven months after we started our relationship. Initially things were very fine between us even though he moved from Kano to Lagos.
We kept constant communication with each other on the phone. It became a ritual for us to speak daily, and whenever I fail to call he would immediately call to inquire if everything was okay with me.
Once, I travelled to Lagos to spend some days with him and to know where he lived.
When we were together in Kano he used to plead with me to keep myself for him and never to do anything stupid. He emphasised his need of me in his life even though we pledged not to engage in sexual activities until the time was right. For being so considerate of my feelings I loved him the more.
Because of this considerate attitude of his, I refused any other man that came to me. I made a vow to remain faithful to him, no matter the temptation that came with being a woman.
Agatha, you can therefore imagine my pains and aches when he stopped calling me and even when I beep his number he still wouldn’t call. This continued for a time until he told me of another relationship he was into and his plans to marry the other woman. I was devastated not only due to his betrayal but also his cruelty, because I stood by him when he didn’t have anything to his name.
When we started, I specifically asked if he were in any other relationship, to which he answered in the negative. So, his relationship with this woman couldn’t have predated mine with him.
Well the marriage didn’t hold as planned and I have since moved into another relationship with a man who has expressed the desire to settle down with me next year.
We are both in love but because of the experience with my first boyfriend, I am scared. Besides, I don’t want to make a mistake in my life one that would haunt me forever.
Do I say yes to this second man or should I wait and see if the former man will come back? I don’t want to make mistake. I have given him some time now and have been praying to God over the issue.
Agatha, what should I do?
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
Why do you want to wait for a man who hasn’t shown remorse on the way he treated you or given you fresh assurances that he wants you to be part of his life?
For you to consider him at all, he has to make the move to resolve all outstanding issues with you, explain why he betrayed your love and why he thought the other woman was a better wife material than you. In addition, he has to ask for forgiveness and give your fresh assurances of his need of you as well as commitment to you.
If he hasn’t done any of these, waiting for him would be to your doom.
You are fortunate to have gotten someone else who is interested in marrying you. Not every woman is as lucky as you so give this relationship your best to ensure it works out. Even though you would still be hurting from the betrayal of your previous relationship, it shouldn’t stop you from learning to trust again.
Begin the process of healing by allowing this new man in your life help you overcomes the disappointment of your previous trial. By telling him the truth, you court his understanding and patience to deal with your moods and doubts. Like women, men are very sensitive to a lukewarm attitude in their partners. If you don’t tell him the truth, don’t make him understand that your seeming withdrawal at times has to do with a bygone pains, a time would come when he would misinterpret your mood to mean you don’t love him enough to marry him.
You could lose him in the process because a man’s heart warms best to a woman who show them happiness and appreciation.
You cannot peg your happiness and life to a man who didn’t think twice of hurting you. Instead of the sadness you now feel, you should be happy that you found out all about him before you marry him. What would you have done if you found out he were capable of cheating on you after marriage?
At least you have the freedom to start all over again, but had it happened after you married him you would be forced to endure the unhappiness and pains because of the cultural and legal tangles that make marriage difficult to terminate with ease.
Give yourself time to know this new man in your life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good enough you have prayed but if you don’t take the step of faith required to realise your dream, no matter how hard you pray you would never get the required result.
You are being unfair to judge your new relationship and man on the basis of what another man did to you. It is a mistake that has destroyed so many promising relationships. If you want to be happy, you must develop the will to leave the past and flow with the waves of the present and future. Don’t let this happen to you else you may never get over the disappointment. No disappointment is worth keeping evergreen because the pains would never allow for objectivity.
The best legacy you can give yourself is to use the experiences of the past as a heritage for the present and future.
There must be certain things you did wrong, which you must never do again to protect your future. Rather than focus on the mistakes and pains he caused you, look at your own failures too. Learning from past mistakes is what makes the difference between successes and failures. What did you do to make this man change his mind about you?
Is it the way you look, your hygiene, your comportment, your attitude or your temper? Lots of things could make a man change his mind especially if those things make him uncomfortable. You may give a man all the support he needs to succeed in life but the moment something about you makes him uneasy, inferior in the company of friends and colleagues, there is the risk of him finding another woman who would fill the void created by your carelessness.
If you continue to focus on his betrayal alone, you may never be able to do an objective analysis of yourself with a view of knowing where and how to help improve on your person.
Relationship is a wholesome process. No part must be left unattended to else, that little ignored part can cause a major quake to the rest. Men need women they can be proud of in every area: spiritually, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to be expensively dressed to keep your man’s attention but it must be neat and presentable.
Take a good look at yourself, where are you in need of improvement? Once you know, go immediately to work.
With the help of God, you will be happy but you must learn from this early how to please and hold on to your man. Ask him for help on ways to make him always proud of you. His thoughts and inputs are necessary for your metamorphosis as a complete woman.
Consign your pains to the trash bin of the past and move forward into the future with this man with all the trust you have. Even if he makes mistakes, dialogue and forgiveness help a lot. Trust God and learn to be happy.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Greetings to you in the name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I am one of your readers. I pray God gives you an answer to my problem.
Sometime ago I was into a relationship with a guy who was a graduate. I started a relationship with him while he was not working. Then he used to plead with me to be patient with him that things would change once he gets a job. I didn’t mind because I loved him so much.
He got a job seven months after we started our relationship. Initially things were very fine between us even though he moved from Kano to Lagos.
We kept constant communication with each other on the phone. It became a ritual for us to speak daily, and whenever I fail to call he would immediately call to inquire if everything was okay with me.
Once, I travelled to Lagos to spend some days with him and to know where he lived.
When we were together in Kano he used to plead with me to keep myself for him and never to do anything stupid. He emphasised his need of me in his life even though we pledged not to engage in sexual activities until the time was right. For being so considerate of my feelings I loved him the more.
Because of this considerate attitude of his, I refused any other man that came to me. I made a vow to remain faithful to him, no matter the temptation that came with being a woman.
Agatha, you can therefore imagine my pains and aches when he stopped calling me and even when I beep his number he still wouldn’t call. This continued for a time until he told me of another relationship he was into and his plans to marry the other woman. I was devastated not only due to his betrayal but also his cruelty, because I stood by him when he didn’t have anything to his name.
When we started, I specifically asked if he were in any other relationship, to which he answered in the negative. So, his relationship with this woman couldn’t have predated mine with him.
Well the marriage didn’t hold as planned and I have since moved into another relationship with a man who has expressed the desire to settle down with me next year.
We are both in love but because of the experience with my first boyfriend, I am scared. Besides, I don’t want to make a mistake in my life one that would haunt me forever.
Do I say yes to this second man or should I wait and see if the former man will come back? I don’t want to make mistake. I have given him some time now and have been praying to God over the issue.
Agatha, what should I do?
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
Why do you want to wait for a man who hasn’t shown remorse on the way he treated you or given you fresh assurances that he wants you to be part of his life?
For you to consider him at all, he has to make the move to resolve all outstanding issues with you, explain why he betrayed your love and why he thought the other woman was a better wife material than you. In addition, he has to ask for forgiveness and give your fresh assurances of his need of you as well as commitment to you.
If he hasn’t done any of these, waiting for him would be to your doom.
You are fortunate to have gotten someone else who is interested in marrying you. Not every woman is as lucky as you so give this relationship your best to ensure it works out. Even though you would still be hurting from the betrayal of your previous relationship, it shouldn’t stop you from learning to trust again.
Begin the process of healing by allowing this new man in your life help you overcomes the disappointment of your previous trial. By telling him the truth, you court his understanding and patience to deal with your moods and doubts. Like women, men are very sensitive to a lukewarm attitude in their partners. If you don’t tell him the truth, don’t make him understand that your seeming withdrawal at times has to do with a bygone pains, a time would come when he would misinterpret your mood to mean you don’t love him enough to marry him.
You could lose him in the process because a man’s heart warms best to a woman who show them happiness and appreciation.
You cannot peg your happiness and life to a man who didn’t think twice of hurting you. Instead of the sadness you now feel, you should be happy that you found out all about him before you marry him. What would you have done if you found out he were capable of cheating on you after marriage?
At least you have the freedom to start all over again, but had it happened after you married him you would be forced to endure the unhappiness and pains because of the cultural and legal tangles that make marriage difficult to terminate with ease.
Give yourself time to know this new man in your life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good enough you have prayed but if you don’t take the step of faith required to realise your dream, no matter how hard you pray you would never get the required result.
You are being unfair to judge your new relationship and man on the basis of what another man did to you. It is a mistake that has destroyed so many promising relationships. If you want to be happy, you must develop the will to leave the past and flow with the waves of the present and future. Don’t let this happen to you else you may never get over the disappointment. No disappointment is worth keeping evergreen because the pains would never allow for objectivity.
The best legacy you can give yourself is to use the experiences of the past as a heritage for the present and future.
There must be certain things you did wrong, which you must never do again to protect your future. Rather than focus on the mistakes and pains he caused you, look at your own failures too. Learning from past mistakes is what makes the difference between successes and failures. What did you do to make this man change his mind about you?
Is it the way you look, your hygiene, your comportment, your attitude or your temper? Lots of things could make a man change his mind especially if those things make him uncomfortable. You may give a man all the support he needs to succeed in life but the moment something about you makes him uneasy, inferior in the company of friends and colleagues, there is the risk of him finding another woman who would fill the void created by your carelessness.
If you continue to focus on his betrayal alone, you may never be able to do an objective analysis of yourself with a view of knowing where and how to help improve on your person.
Relationship is a wholesome process. No part must be left unattended to else, that little ignored part can cause a major quake to the rest. Men need women they can be proud of in every area: spiritually, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to be expensively dressed to keep your man’s attention but it must be neat and presentable.
Take a good look at yourself, where are you in need of improvement? Once you know, go immediately to work.
With the help of God, you will be happy but you must learn from this early how to please and hold on to your man. Ask him for help on ways to make him always proud of you. His thoughts and inputs are necessary for your metamorphosis as a complete woman.
Consign your pains to the trash bin of the past and move forward into the future with this man with all the trust you have. Even if he makes mistakes, dialogue and forgiveness help a lot. Trust God and learn to be happy.
Good luck.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
People call me bastard now; my mum tricked my dad
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate your honesty and thoroughness in handling of issues.
I am 35 years of age, married with two children.
Recently, I discovered by accident that my mother lied to me about my paternity. According to her, her husband, my supposed father, unknown to him suffered from low sperm, which meant he could not father a child.
She got to know when in her search for the fruit of the womb, ten years after marriage, she went to see a doctor who insisted she came with her husband.
Although the husband didn’t go back for the results since he assumed like most men that his wife was the reason for their inability to have children, the doctor told her who has the problem in the union.
My mother said she didn’t tell her husband but decided to go back to her former lover.
But she also had an affair with her boss at about the time she was sleeping with her former lover. It was during that time she conceived me.
At any rate, she passed my pregnancy to her husband as she did the two others that came after me.
I really don’t know if the husband knew anything about it but recent developments show that he must have known because he by passed our mother and us to will the remaining of his two houses to his brothers.
In his will, he said much as he loved us as his own, he couldn’t forgive his adulterous wife. The property he bought for her in her name and those he gave to us before he died he left for us. According to him, even if he had a medical problem, it was not the place of his wife to take a crucial decision as she took without consulting him.
For that, he cannot forgive her.
He ended by apologising to all of us and demanded we find it in our hearts to forgive him, but pleaded we must never change our surnames because we remain his children till eternity.
He left our mother to explain what she had done.
His family members are now calling us bastards. Before he died, he had willed the family houses both in the village and in Lagos to me. He transferred his major account to me a month before he died. He also bequeathed houses to my brothers. On account of my mother’s revelation and the names his family members are calling us, do you think it wise for me to hold on to the property? Am I a bastard given the fact that she slept with two men at the time she got pregnant with me?
Should I change my surname and even if I do that whose name should I adopt as mine?
I am so destabilised by everything, I haven’t told anyone except you about what is happening to me. My wife has kept asking me what the problem is with me. It is too shameful a thing to tell her. How do I tell her that I am a bastard without bringing to ridicule the image of my mother who despite everything she has done remains very precious to me? Is my mother hiding anything? How do I make her talk? Why did the man I called and loved as father reject me in death?
Agatha, please help me because I am going insane with this problem.
B.O.
Dear B.O.
In the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, the word bastard is alien. As far as the government of this country is concerned, you are a free citizen with equal rights as any other person.
So, be rest assured that you are not a bastard. Granted, you may never have met the man who fathered you, but that doesn’t make you one, because your mother couldn’t have gotten herself pregnant. A man was responsible for donating the sperm that conceived you. No matter how close the dates are, a mother can always tell who the father of her child really is. If she weren’t sure at the time she got pregnant, something about your look and mannerism would point at the man who fathered you.
Your mother isn’t really ready to face her past, which is probably the reason she doesn’t want to tell you who your father is. Telling you would naturally move you into wanting to see him or know more about his family.
In his shoes, how would you feel if a 35-year-old man walks through your door to announce that the affair you had with his mother almost four decades ago resulted into him?
How would you handle the situation particularly if such revelation is made right in the presence of your whole family who in addition to the man had no prior knowledge of your existence?
Much as you have a right to know who your paternal family is there are certain situations in life, which no matter how clear the signage is still needs a lot of cautions and wisdom to handle.
Think of what use is finding your family now to you? Do you have the capacity to deal with the attendant rivalry, manipulations, spiritual consequences and rejections that go with this package? What precisely are you missing out on now that meeting your family would give you?
Is it the name? Would knowing the name be enough for you? The danger and problems would not come from you answering to the name but your place and existence in the family. That you exist at all is enough reason on its own for some people in the family to declare a very bitter war on you.
And who tells you the bastard label you are currently running away from now would not become a more popular word with this family who would rightly wonder where you have come after all these years?
I, more than anybody else, know the inner joy of going back to one’s roots but that root must have a very open knowledge of you from the first moments you were conceived to make your home coming beautiful. Your presence in your father’s family isn’t going to be a transient thing. It is something very permanent and life changing.
These could be your mother’s fears, the reason she may be shielding your father’s real identity from you. Deep down she isn’t too sure how those people would react and isn’t sure about your ability to deal with another round of rejections.
Her concern may be for you. She may be hiding you from being hurt and embarrassed by more people. And unless you make the effort to discuss with her as honestly and lovingly as possible, you may never understand her reasons for keeping quiet about certain decisions she took back then.
Don’t forget, right now she is feeling bad, less than a mother to you all. Even though the choice she made at that time to source children for her husband for other men to save her marriage and husband from ridicule seemed right then, later events are not only making her regretful of that decision but also casting her in very bad light.
What she thought she did to protect her husband and self from public ridicule is now turning solely to be her ridicule and shame. Nobody wants to understand the reason for her adultery. The issue then is different from what is on ground, which has made her guilty of the capital crime of adultery against the husband.
She is now left to defend her integrity to a very hostile society as well as to her children.
Putting undue pressures on her to reveal the identity of your father may lead to her death. Show her love and support to overcome this huge disgrace because no matter what, she remains the only visible family you have now.
As for your wife, tell her the truth. It would hurt her very much if she gets to find out from a secondary source, because it would appear you don’t trust her to support you or understand the situation you are going through. This is the time you need her the most to soothe the pains of rejection enveloping you.
Don’t fret over her attitude towards your mother. Only a woman can best understand the sentimental reasons women attach to very important decisions in life.
Being a woman she would understand more than you understand the sentiment behind your mother’s decision because the heart and reasoning of a woman determined to protect her home is very complex and hard to understand.
If you look at things objectively you would realise the man you knew, as father didn’t reject you at all. Yes, he was angry with his wife for not telling his the truth about his medical condition but he still made provisions for you all as his children. If it were his intention to reject all of you, he would have recovered everything he gave you all before he died. That he didn’t shows he must have loved you all dearly and his insistence you keep his name is evidence of that.
That he didn’t use his knowledge of your paternity to disinherit you all is further proof that this man loved you and your siblings as his own. If he didn’t, he would have retrieved everything he gave you before his death.
Forget whatever his family is saying. Even if you were his biological children, they would still have fought and called you names given the advantage you all enjoy in his will.
Besides, under the law, those property has been willed to you so you have exclusive rights over them.
And having been given birth to and grew up in his house, he is more of your father than any other man can ever be. He was there from your very first moments in life. He not only invested his money but also his emotions and time in making you the person you are today.
Forget what any other person is saying and look at the evidence of love this man showed you and your siblings to know who your father really is. Consider his investment of love, support, care and friendship on you all when next you feel bad. Apart from asking your mother to tell you the truth, did he ever give you the impression that he isn’t your father? Gratefulness comes from a heart of grace. He left you all very comfortable. Those two houses he gave to his brothers, he did to protect you all from evil manipulations and not from any malice on his part.
At times like this, you need to look for strength in the house and presence of God who sees and knows our conclusions from the beginning.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I appreciate your honesty and thoroughness in handling of issues.
I am 35 years of age, married with two children.
Recently, I discovered by accident that my mother lied to me about my paternity. According to her, her husband, my supposed father, unknown to him suffered from low sperm, which meant he could not father a child.
She got to know when in her search for the fruit of the womb, ten years after marriage, she went to see a doctor who insisted she came with her husband.
Although the husband didn’t go back for the results since he assumed like most men that his wife was the reason for their inability to have children, the doctor told her who has the problem in the union.
My mother said she didn’t tell her husband but decided to go back to her former lover.
But she also had an affair with her boss at about the time she was sleeping with her former lover. It was during that time she conceived me.
At any rate, she passed my pregnancy to her husband as she did the two others that came after me.
I really don’t know if the husband knew anything about it but recent developments show that he must have known because he by passed our mother and us to will the remaining of his two houses to his brothers.
In his will, he said much as he loved us as his own, he couldn’t forgive his adulterous wife. The property he bought for her in her name and those he gave to us before he died he left for us. According to him, even if he had a medical problem, it was not the place of his wife to take a crucial decision as she took without consulting him.
For that, he cannot forgive her.
He ended by apologising to all of us and demanded we find it in our hearts to forgive him, but pleaded we must never change our surnames because we remain his children till eternity.
He left our mother to explain what she had done.
His family members are now calling us bastards. Before he died, he had willed the family houses both in the village and in Lagos to me. He transferred his major account to me a month before he died. He also bequeathed houses to my brothers. On account of my mother’s revelation and the names his family members are calling us, do you think it wise for me to hold on to the property? Am I a bastard given the fact that she slept with two men at the time she got pregnant with me?
Should I change my surname and even if I do that whose name should I adopt as mine?
I am so destabilised by everything, I haven’t told anyone except you about what is happening to me. My wife has kept asking me what the problem is with me. It is too shameful a thing to tell her. How do I tell her that I am a bastard without bringing to ridicule the image of my mother who despite everything she has done remains very precious to me? Is my mother hiding anything? How do I make her talk? Why did the man I called and loved as father reject me in death?
Agatha, please help me because I am going insane with this problem.
B.O.
Dear B.O.
In the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, the word bastard is alien. As far as the government of this country is concerned, you are a free citizen with equal rights as any other person.
So, be rest assured that you are not a bastard. Granted, you may never have met the man who fathered you, but that doesn’t make you one, because your mother couldn’t have gotten herself pregnant. A man was responsible for donating the sperm that conceived you. No matter how close the dates are, a mother can always tell who the father of her child really is. If she weren’t sure at the time she got pregnant, something about your look and mannerism would point at the man who fathered you.
Your mother isn’t really ready to face her past, which is probably the reason she doesn’t want to tell you who your father is. Telling you would naturally move you into wanting to see him or know more about his family.
In his shoes, how would you feel if a 35-year-old man walks through your door to announce that the affair you had with his mother almost four decades ago resulted into him?
How would you handle the situation particularly if such revelation is made right in the presence of your whole family who in addition to the man had no prior knowledge of your existence?
Much as you have a right to know who your paternal family is there are certain situations in life, which no matter how clear the signage is still needs a lot of cautions and wisdom to handle.
Think of what use is finding your family now to you? Do you have the capacity to deal with the attendant rivalry, manipulations, spiritual consequences and rejections that go with this package? What precisely are you missing out on now that meeting your family would give you?
Is it the name? Would knowing the name be enough for you? The danger and problems would not come from you answering to the name but your place and existence in the family. That you exist at all is enough reason on its own for some people in the family to declare a very bitter war on you.
And who tells you the bastard label you are currently running away from now would not become a more popular word with this family who would rightly wonder where you have come after all these years?
I, more than anybody else, know the inner joy of going back to one’s roots but that root must have a very open knowledge of you from the first moments you were conceived to make your home coming beautiful. Your presence in your father’s family isn’t going to be a transient thing. It is something very permanent and life changing.
These could be your mother’s fears, the reason she may be shielding your father’s real identity from you. Deep down she isn’t too sure how those people would react and isn’t sure about your ability to deal with another round of rejections.
Her concern may be for you. She may be hiding you from being hurt and embarrassed by more people. And unless you make the effort to discuss with her as honestly and lovingly as possible, you may never understand her reasons for keeping quiet about certain decisions she took back then.
Don’t forget, right now she is feeling bad, less than a mother to you all. Even though the choice she made at that time to source children for her husband for other men to save her marriage and husband from ridicule seemed right then, later events are not only making her regretful of that decision but also casting her in very bad light.
What she thought she did to protect her husband and self from public ridicule is now turning solely to be her ridicule and shame. Nobody wants to understand the reason for her adultery. The issue then is different from what is on ground, which has made her guilty of the capital crime of adultery against the husband.
She is now left to defend her integrity to a very hostile society as well as to her children.
Putting undue pressures on her to reveal the identity of your father may lead to her death. Show her love and support to overcome this huge disgrace because no matter what, she remains the only visible family you have now.
As for your wife, tell her the truth. It would hurt her very much if she gets to find out from a secondary source, because it would appear you don’t trust her to support you or understand the situation you are going through. This is the time you need her the most to soothe the pains of rejection enveloping you.
Don’t fret over her attitude towards your mother. Only a woman can best understand the sentimental reasons women attach to very important decisions in life.
Being a woman she would understand more than you understand the sentiment behind your mother’s decision because the heart and reasoning of a woman determined to protect her home is very complex and hard to understand.
If you look at things objectively you would realise the man you knew, as father didn’t reject you at all. Yes, he was angry with his wife for not telling his the truth about his medical condition but he still made provisions for you all as his children. If it were his intention to reject all of you, he would have recovered everything he gave you all before he died. That he didn’t shows he must have loved you all dearly and his insistence you keep his name is evidence of that.
That he didn’t use his knowledge of your paternity to disinherit you all is further proof that this man loved you and your siblings as his own. If he didn’t, he would have retrieved everything he gave you before his death.
Forget whatever his family is saying. Even if you were his biological children, they would still have fought and called you names given the advantage you all enjoy in his will.
Besides, under the law, those property has been willed to you so you have exclusive rights over them.
And having been given birth to and grew up in his house, he is more of your father than any other man can ever be. He was there from your very first moments in life. He not only invested his money but also his emotions and time in making you the person you are today.
Forget what any other person is saying and look at the evidence of love this man showed you and your siblings to know who your father really is. Consider his investment of love, support, care and friendship on you all when next you feel bad. Apart from asking your mother to tell you the truth, did he ever give you the impression that he isn’t your father? Gratefulness comes from a heart of grace. He left you all very comfortable. Those two houses he gave to his brothers, he did to protect you all from evil manipulations and not from any malice on his part.
At times like this, you need to look for strength in the house and presence of God who sees and knows our conclusions from the beginning.
Good luck.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Her flirtation with men wanes my trust for her
Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I am so impressed at the way you solve people’s problems. I pray God should fill anywhere that looks like vacuum in your life with joy and happiness.
I am a guy of 21 years of age. My girlfriend is of the same age as I am. We have been dating each other for the past six or eight years, but unfortunately the relationship is presently causing me emotional pains and trauma.
It started like this, some months ago I chanced on a romantic SMS on her phone. It came from surprisingly the man she introduced to me as her uncle. I was not only hurt but also felt highly betrayed by this. So I decided to give her the space to execute her romance with the other man. However, we settled our differences some days later.
In August last year, she celebrated her birthday with her grandfather. I went in company of my friends but these friends and I were thoroughly ignored by her, making people around us to wonder if we gate crashed into the party.
On the other hand, she was all over the man who sent her the SMS.
Really embarrassed my friends and I left without bothering to inform her that we were leaving.
The next day, she came to my house. Still smarting from the embarrassing way she treated my friends and I, I told her it was over between us. She cried and begged me to forgive her. Some of my friends joined in persuading me to have a change of mind.
Based on this intervention from friends, I forgave her. Besides I thought she was really repentant.
But I was wrong. On Christmas day, she came to visit me. After some few minutes, she requested to take her leave and I saw her off. About four hours after she left, I in company of my friends went out to see another friend of ours. On our way, not far from a popular fast food restaurant, I saw my girlfriend in company of another man. From the look of things, they were just leaving the fast food joint.
I was very disappointed and depressed. When I confronted her the following day, she told me the man was a family member.
The issue is, I don’t trust her at all. I don’t know if I should continue with her or simply pack up the relationship.
Please, help me before I do something stupid.
Confused Boyfriend.
Dear Confused Boyfriend,
Trust is very fundamental in a relationship. Once trust is violated, it becomes extremely difficult to sustain a relationship.
There is no contesting the fact that your girlfriend has repeatedly given you so much reason not to trust her. Having lying to you previously about the actual relationship between her and a supposed uncle and giving you the cold water treatment during her party, you do have reasons to be apprehensive and doubtful about her claims to be related to this other man.
But you didn’t handle the situation very well. Had you approached her when you saw both of them, you would have been able to read from her reactions if she is telling the truth of not.
Because you allowed the opportunity slip away, unless you have not really forgiven her of her past mistakes, there is no way you can categorically label her claims as lies. That man could actually be a relative of hers.
What both of you should do is to sit down and have an honest discussion given the length of time you have both dated. If you have been together for close to eight years, it follows that both of you must have attained some measures of understanding to warrant both of you being very honest to each other about your feelings.
Unless you have spent the last eight years exploring your sexual desires instead of values that help sustain relationship through turbulences like you are now experiencing, both of you should be able to pull yourselves through this despite all the odds challenging your relationship.
If you are both 21 and have been dating for eight years, it means you both started dating when you were both 13. At that age, you were both too young and unknowledgeable about the values and attributes to look out for in your mates. At that age, you both were purely under the influence of adolescence hormones. Your values and expectations at that time you met and agreed to date were different. As emerging teenagers, your sense of excitement ruled supremely over your sense of values.
Excitement for you was instigated by the power to attract the opposite sex. Then, enduring qualities, like honesty, truthfulness, understanding, perseverance, support and absolute faithfulness meant nothing. What mattered then were the chemical reactions going on inside of your bodies. Your mind and bodies were permanently tuned to discovery channel.
But if you both had allowed your dreams to grow with your bodies, your mind to shift from discovery to reality button, you have both attained the understanding and maturity to tackle this inevitable period of your relationship.
Because of the stagnancy you have both allowed to build into your relationship, boredom and the need for excitement may have necessitated her going into another relationship. Even though this is no excuse and not an attempt to justify her treatment of you, fact remains that both of you need to sit down and work at getting rid of the web that gathered over the years.
It means starting afresh. Forgetting whatever it is that is causing both of your disappointment now. It means wiping the slate clean of all past mistakes and making a pledge to integrate into your relationship all those attributes you never thought of and didn’t know were important.
You are worried about trust because now you know its importance to your happiness. Now you know that love comes in different shades, that it is not another word for sex.
Having reached the stage in your life where your body and emotions are demanding for the same things, being very frank with her and giving her the final opportunity to confront and revisit the decision she took when she was still physically and emotionally an innocent virgin would go a long way in helping bring your relationship boat to berth at the right anchor.
You may not like the outcome but given the fact that you are both discussing your lives, future happiness and lifetime security, it is important you give yourselves time to unburden your fears and pains.
Why is she lying to you? Why is she interested in other relationships? Do you fit into her matured dream of a husband? Do you have what it takes to make her absolutely happy in marriage?
Also hear her out. What precisely is bothering her about your behaviour? Insist she tells you. She may not want to initially but it is best you also know what she isn’t happy about. This way, resolution of all outstanding matters that has gathered between you two over the years become possible.
But you in particular must be willing to forgive her. She also must be ready to let go of all other sundry relationships in her life. There is no way she can continue with these other men if you both agree to move forward.
She must learn to win your trust and respect through the values she markets, emphasis this while discussing with her. She must realise that love, friendship and marriage happen out of trust and selflessness.
Yes, you may not have all the qualities she wants in a man but she has to be satisfied with the ones you have because these are what make you unique. If at this age, she doesn’t know what makes her happy, then she has a long way to go.
Your discussion must focus on what your expectations of each other are as well as for your future. It must strive to imbibe unconditional friendship to survive till the end comes. You both can only achieve this by laying all your cards face up on the table.
The outcome of the meeting would determine whether you have a future together or not.
Also by trusting God with your relationship and life, would help in no small way to make light every challenge before you two.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I am so impressed at the way you solve people’s problems. I pray God should fill anywhere that looks like vacuum in your life with joy and happiness.
I am a guy of 21 years of age. My girlfriend is of the same age as I am. We have been dating each other for the past six or eight years, but unfortunately the relationship is presently causing me emotional pains and trauma.
It started like this, some months ago I chanced on a romantic SMS on her phone. It came from surprisingly the man she introduced to me as her uncle. I was not only hurt but also felt highly betrayed by this. So I decided to give her the space to execute her romance with the other man. However, we settled our differences some days later.
In August last year, she celebrated her birthday with her grandfather. I went in company of my friends but these friends and I were thoroughly ignored by her, making people around us to wonder if we gate crashed into the party.
On the other hand, she was all over the man who sent her the SMS.
Really embarrassed my friends and I left without bothering to inform her that we were leaving.
The next day, she came to my house. Still smarting from the embarrassing way she treated my friends and I, I told her it was over between us. She cried and begged me to forgive her. Some of my friends joined in persuading me to have a change of mind.
Based on this intervention from friends, I forgave her. Besides I thought she was really repentant.
But I was wrong. On Christmas day, she came to visit me. After some few minutes, she requested to take her leave and I saw her off. About four hours after she left, I in company of my friends went out to see another friend of ours. On our way, not far from a popular fast food restaurant, I saw my girlfriend in company of another man. From the look of things, they were just leaving the fast food joint.
I was very disappointed and depressed. When I confronted her the following day, she told me the man was a family member.
The issue is, I don’t trust her at all. I don’t know if I should continue with her or simply pack up the relationship.
Please, help me before I do something stupid.
Confused Boyfriend.
Dear Confused Boyfriend,
Trust is very fundamental in a relationship. Once trust is violated, it becomes extremely difficult to sustain a relationship.
There is no contesting the fact that your girlfriend has repeatedly given you so much reason not to trust her. Having lying to you previously about the actual relationship between her and a supposed uncle and giving you the cold water treatment during her party, you do have reasons to be apprehensive and doubtful about her claims to be related to this other man.
But you didn’t handle the situation very well. Had you approached her when you saw both of them, you would have been able to read from her reactions if she is telling the truth of not.
Because you allowed the opportunity slip away, unless you have not really forgiven her of her past mistakes, there is no way you can categorically label her claims as lies. That man could actually be a relative of hers.
What both of you should do is to sit down and have an honest discussion given the length of time you have both dated. If you have been together for close to eight years, it follows that both of you must have attained some measures of understanding to warrant both of you being very honest to each other about your feelings.
Unless you have spent the last eight years exploring your sexual desires instead of values that help sustain relationship through turbulences like you are now experiencing, both of you should be able to pull yourselves through this despite all the odds challenging your relationship.
If you are both 21 and have been dating for eight years, it means you both started dating when you were both 13. At that age, you were both too young and unknowledgeable about the values and attributes to look out for in your mates. At that age, you both were purely under the influence of adolescence hormones. Your values and expectations at that time you met and agreed to date were different. As emerging teenagers, your sense of excitement ruled supremely over your sense of values.
Excitement for you was instigated by the power to attract the opposite sex. Then, enduring qualities, like honesty, truthfulness, understanding, perseverance, support and absolute faithfulness meant nothing. What mattered then were the chemical reactions going on inside of your bodies. Your mind and bodies were permanently tuned to discovery channel.
But if you both had allowed your dreams to grow with your bodies, your mind to shift from discovery to reality button, you have both attained the understanding and maturity to tackle this inevitable period of your relationship.
Because of the stagnancy you have both allowed to build into your relationship, boredom and the need for excitement may have necessitated her going into another relationship. Even though this is no excuse and not an attempt to justify her treatment of you, fact remains that both of you need to sit down and work at getting rid of the web that gathered over the years.
It means starting afresh. Forgetting whatever it is that is causing both of your disappointment now. It means wiping the slate clean of all past mistakes and making a pledge to integrate into your relationship all those attributes you never thought of and didn’t know were important.
You are worried about trust because now you know its importance to your happiness. Now you know that love comes in different shades, that it is not another word for sex.
Having reached the stage in your life where your body and emotions are demanding for the same things, being very frank with her and giving her the final opportunity to confront and revisit the decision she took when she was still physically and emotionally an innocent virgin would go a long way in helping bring your relationship boat to berth at the right anchor.
You may not like the outcome but given the fact that you are both discussing your lives, future happiness and lifetime security, it is important you give yourselves time to unburden your fears and pains.
Why is she lying to you? Why is she interested in other relationships? Do you fit into her matured dream of a husband? Do you have what it takes to make her absolutely happy in marriage?
Also hear her out. What precisely is bothering her about your behaviour? Insist she tells you. She may not want to initially but it is best you also know what she isn’t happy about. This way, resolution of all outstanding matters that has gathered between you two over the years become possible.
But you in particular must be willing to forgive her. She also must be ready to let go of all other sundry relationships in her life. There is no way she can continue with these other men if you both agree to move forward.
She must learn to win your trust and respect through the values she markets, emphasis this while discussing with her. She must realise that love, friendship and marriage happen out of trust and selflessness.
Yes, you may not have all the qualities she wants in a man but she has to be satisfied with the ones you have because these are what make you unique. If at this age, she doesn’t know what makes her happy, then she has a long way to go.
Your discussion must focus on what your expectations of each other are as well as for your future. It must strive to imbibe unconditional friendship to survive till the end comes. You both can only achieve this by laying all your cards face up on the table.
The outcome of the meeting would determine whether you have a future together or not.
Also by trusting God with your relationship and life, would help in no small way to make light every challenge before you two.
Good luck.
Monday, June 27, 2011
He cheats and beats me
Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 26 years and my husband is 37. We have been married for three and half years now. My problem is for about two years that I have lived with my husband, he has cheated on me with more than 10 girls.
The first time I discovered his infidelity, I couldn’t believe it because one of the major reasons I married him was because of his religious disposition.
I was naturally devastated. Worst of all, he didn’t even try to explain things to me. Instead of apologies, I got the beating of my life that very day although he later came to ask for forgiveness. I forgave him with the confidence he would change, but he didn’t, he continued cheating and beating me. This has happened more than 10 times.
Three months ago, I heard him telling someone on the phone that he would send money to pay for a hotel accommodation where they would stay when he comes.
I was forced to check through his phone and discovered he was making an arrangement with his girl friend on where they would meet.
I got the beating of my life that same day and was admitted in the hospital. According to him, I had no right to go through his phones.
Agatha, I now hate him for all the pain and embarrassment he has caused me.
We are yet to have children; we have been to hospitals and they confirmed he has watery and low sperm. He was told to stop smoking and drinking, though he drinks once in a while but he doesn’t want to give up smoking as instructed by doctors.
Right now, I don’t know what to do; my father is an evangelist and I always consider my parents in all that I want to do.
I am in tears as I write this. I have no kids yet, the person that should be my source of happiness is causing me so much pain, always beating and cheating on me. Please advice me on what to do.
Amara.
Dear Amara,
Life, most of the time, isn’t fair because we always don’t get what we want or deserve.
And when it comes to the issue of marriage, it can be very complex and complicated. However, many a time, we are also architects of our pains. Because of your family background, you simply wanted a man who was religious without bothering about the person behind the mask.
You looked at his ‘cloak of religion’ without looking at his life. Before walking down the aisle with him, what did you know about him; about his background; his friends and values? What did you know about his mind and the workings of that mind? Did you bother to find out about the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with beyond his religious disposition?
Did you ever consider what marriage was before marrying him? What precisely was your idea of marriage and its many challenges? What were the things you noticed and pretended didn’t matter until now?
Religion comes from the mind, an awareness of who God is and what He requires of us as His people while ‘religiosity’ is pretentiousness and comes without the conviction of a deeply religious person.
Had you a clear idea of the type of man you would be most happy with, not one who is masquerading to be another person you would have noticed that he has always been unfaithful and a complete cheat.
To be frank, he didn’t deceive you. You did the most harm to yourself by treating the issue of marriage with levity, something which isn’t serious, that doesn’t need planning and preparations.
You don’t marry for a single reason. An enduring marriage survives on multiple tripods.
Your mistakes are not in his unfaithfulness but in his attitude and the violence that follows your every new discovery. While a marriage can endure unfaithfulness, only the living survives to tell of the story of violence. This is one time, you have to overlook the desires of your parents and face the challenge with all the seriousness it deserves.
Your life is the one at stake, not your parents’ or their image. Your father is the evangelist, not you. Even evangelists know when to give up.
If his beating is serious enough to get you admitted into hospital, there is the need for your families to know about it. Go to your parents and report the issue because if you leave it for too long, you might be driven to commit murder because when hatred gets to a boiling point, it can deaden all reasoning faculties.
As it is, you are already suffering dejection from his totalitarian approach to your matrimonial challenges. This is definitely something you cannot handle on your own. You need help to define your marriage and fashion a way out of your mistake.
It is either you keep quiet and continue to endure maltreatment or depression or take the bold step of making open a potentially dangerous trend. Telling your parents doesn’t automatically mean you are quitting the marriage but their own experiences and knowledge of God would offer you and your partner something to lean on with a view of managing your own peculiarities.
Don’t feel ashamed of anything, believe me, you don’t have the solution to this problem. A lot of women are contending with worse situations in their own marriages but the difference is in their willingness to get help.
You both need peace to settle the issue of his infertility. There is no way you two can ever discuss and solve any issue without first clearing out the deficit of trust.
Talking to your parents is not ridiculing your marriage or the image of your parents. As a matter of fact, the ridicule would come if you do something out of character.
Your husband has to be helped to realise that with a problem like the one he is facing, it can’t be solved going from the arms of one woman to another. He has to realise it is a very serious medical condition that not only needs the grace of God but a good attitude on his part to solve.
No doubt he has hurt you more than words can say but if you don’t find it in your heart to let go of these pains, the clarity and objectivity of mind to offer him help would not be easy for you to summon.
The knowledge that he might not be able to get you pregnant might be one of the top reasons for his attitude. Deep down, he understandably feels less than a man and might have convinced himself that you would eventually leave him hence sees no reason to be nice to you or elongate the marriage.
For a man, the knowledge that he cannot get a woman pregnant is crippling. Your husband may appear to you to be wicked or having all the fun in the world with the many women he is being unfaithful with, but his attitude is also a cry for help. He seems determined to ruin himself because he thinks there is nothing worth living for. Deep down he may feel that his life is completely ruined as a man.
This is the point you, your parents and his family have to step in to offer him a solid pair of shoulders, love and words of encouragement. The first step is to help him realise the damage he is causing you by beating you. Once he is made to realise that your love is unconditional and that violence would only drive you further from him and even cause him to lose his home, the tiny step of reformation would have started.
For now, you may have to relocate to your parents or another place to drive home the point that you don’t like to be treated like an animal but there is no way both of you can avoid discussing all the troubling issues in your marriage.
As part of your plans, include the option of child adoption. The fact that he has a medical condition doesn’t mean you cannot adopt children. Discussing the issue with him with all the honesty and care you can, would give him the assurance of being loved by you and make him consider constructive options instead of this path of self destruction he seems hooked on.
Let him know he has something worth living for in you.
Marriage is a voyage of sacrifices and patience. It is also a journey which requires wisdom at every point. If you react to the current situation without applying wisdom, there is the danger of you destroying your happiness forever. You may have married him for the wrong reasons but if he is the one God has destined you to be with, you may never find happiness with another man.
Leaving him completely isn’t a solution, at least for now. It is only when he refuses to change you can consider it as an option but for now, the option is to find ways of getting him to listen to and see the love you have for him through your support for his predicament.
This is the agenda you should present before your parents when you go to them for help.
Furthermore learn to pray for help and strength from God to be able to go through this period successfully because the pains of what is happening in your home now could make even the most sane woman make mistakes.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 26 years and my husband is 37. We have been married for three and half years now. My problem is for about two years that I have lived with my husband, he has cheated on me with more than 10 girls.
The first time I discovered his infidelity, I couldn’t believe it because one of the major reasons I married him was because of his religious disposition.
I was naturally devastated. Worst of all, he didn’t even try to explain things to me. Instead of apologies, I got the beating of my life that very day although he later came to ask for forgiveness. I forgave him with the confidence he would change, but he didn’t, he continued cheating and beating me. This has happened more than 10 times.
Three months ago, I heard him telling someone on the phone that he would send money to pay for a hotel accommodation where they would stay when he comes.
I was forced to check through his phone and discovered he was making an arrangement with his girl friend on where they would meet.
I got the beating of my life that same day and was admitted in the hospital. According to him, I had no right to go through his phones.
Agatha, I now hate him for all the pain and embarrassment he has caused me.
We are yet to have children; we have been to hospitals and they confirmed he has watery and low sperm. He was told to stop smoking and drinking, though he drinks once in a while but he doesn’t want to give up smoking as instructed by doctors.
Right now, I don’t know what to do; my father is an evangelist and I always consider my parents in all that I want to do.
I am in tears as I write this. I have no kids yet, the person that should be my source of happiness is causing me so much pain, always beating and cheating on me. Please advice me on what to do.
Amara.
Dear Amara,
Life, most of the time, isn’t fair because we always don’t get what we want or deserve.
And when it comes to the issue of marriage, it can be very complex and complicated. However, many a time, we are also architects of our pains. Because of your family background, you simply wanted a man who was religious without bothering about the person behind the mask.
You looked at his ‘cloak of religion’ without looking at his life. Before walking down the aisle with him, what did you know about him; about his background; his friends and values? What did you know about his mind and the workings of that mind? Did you bother to find out about the man you planned to spend the rest of your life with beyond his religious disposition?
Did you ever consider what marriage was before marrying him? What precisely was your idea of marriage and its many challenges? What were the things you noticed and pretended didn’t matter until now?
Religion comes from the mind, an awareness of who God is and what He requires of us as His people while ‘religiosity’ is pretentiousness and comes without the conviction of a deeply religious person.
Had you a clear idea of the type of man you would be most happy with, not one who is masquerading to be another person you would have noticed that he has always been unfaithful and a complete cheat.
To be frank, he didn’t deceive you. You did the most harm to yourself by treating the issue of marriage with levity, something which isn’t serious, that doesn’t need planning and preparations.
You don’t marry for a single reason. An enduring marriage survives on multiple tripods.
Your mistakes are not in his unfaithfulness but in his attitude and the violence that follows your every new discovery. While a marriage can endure unfaithfulness, only the living survives to tell of the story of violence. This is one time, you have to overlook the desires of your parents and face the challenge with all the seriousness it deserves.
Your life is the one at stake, not your parents’ or their image. Your father is the evangelist, not you. Even evangelists know when to give up.
If his beating is serious enough to get you admitted into hospital, there is the need for your families to know about it. Go to your parents and report the issue because if you leave it for too long, you might be driven to commit murder because when hatred gets to a boiling point, it can deaden all reasoning faculties.
As it is, you are already suffering dejection from his totalitarian approach to your matrimonial challenges. This is definitely something you cannot handle on your own. You need help to define your marriage and fashion a way out of your mistake.
It is either you keep quiet and continue to endure maltreatment or depression or take the bold step of making open a potentially dangerous trend. Telling your parents doesn’t automatically mean you are quitting the marriage but their own experiences and knowledge of God would offer you and your partner something to lean on with a view of managing your own peculiarities.
Don’t feel ashamed of anything, believe me, you don’t have the solution to this problem. A lot of women are contending with worse situations in their own marriages but the difference is in their willingness to get help.
You both need peace to settle the issue of his infertility. There is no way you two can ever discuss and solve any issue without first clearing out the deficit of trust.
Talking to your parents is not ridiculing your marriage or the image of your parents. As a matter of fact, the ridicule would come if you do something out of character.
Your husband has to be helped to realise that with a problem like the one he is facing, it can’t be solved going from the arms of one woman to another. He has to realise it is a very serious medical condition that not only needs the grace of God but a good attitude on his part to solve.
No doubt he has hurt you more than words can say but if you don’t find it in your heart to let go of these pains, the clarity and objectivity of mind to offer him help would not be easy for you to summon.
The knowledge that he might not be able to get you pregnant might be one of the top reasons for his attitude. Deep down, he understandably feels less than a man and might have convinced himself that you would eventually leave him hence sees no reason to be nice to you or elongate the marriage.
For a man, the knowledge that he cannot get a woman pregnant is crippling. Your husband may appear to you to be wicked or having all the fun in the world with the many women he is being unfaithful with, but his attitude is also a cry for help. He seems determined to ruin himself because he thinks there is nothing worth living for. Deep down he may feel that his life is completely ruined as a man.
This is the point you, your parents and his family have to step in to offer him a solid pair of shoulders, love and words of encouragement. The first step is to help him realise the damage he is causing you by beating you. Once he is made to realise that your love is unconditional and that violence would only drive you further from him and even cause him to lose his home, the tiny step of reformation would have started.
For now, you may have to relocate to your parents or another place to drive home the point that you don’t like to be treated like an animal but there is no way both of you can avoid discussing all the troubling issues in your marriage.
As part of your plans, include the option of child adoption. The fact that he has a medical condition doesn’t mean you cannot adopt children. Discussing the issue with him with all the honesty and care you can, would give him the assurance of being loved by you and make him consider constructive options instead of this path of self destruction he seems hooked on.
Let him know he has something worth living for in you.
Marriage is a voyage of sacrifices and patience. It is also a journey which requires wisdom at every point. If you react to the current situation without applying wisdom, there is the danger of you destroying your happiness forever. You may have married him for the wrong reasons but if he is the one God has destined you to be with, you may never find happiness with another man.
Leaving him completely isn’t a solution, at least for now. It is only when he refuses to change you can consider it as an option but for now, the option is to find ways of getting him to listen to and see the love you have for him through your support for his predicament.
This is the agenda you should present before your parents when you go to them for help.
Furthermore learn to pray for help and strength from God to be able to go through this period successfully because the pains of what is happening in your home now could make even the most sane woman make mistakes.
Good luck.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sexual molestation makes man scary to me…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
When I was a young girl, I was sexually abused. My advice to mothers is not to trust anyone with their daughters and should endeavour to be close to their daughters.
That incident really affected my life. I was deeply hurt emotionally. I was always snobbish, people actually called be arrogant. I was very withdrawn, very fearful, quiet, and sometimes moody with a very bad temper. I hated men with a passion. I made up my mind not to marry. I just wanted a good career. I am in hot demands from men but I have always been harsh to them. Most of them get very scared and simply give up further attempts.
I can’t say my parents were not good enough or careless, they are the best parents any child could pray for. I was just a victim of the presence of bad people, relatives among us. Sometime also, bad things happen to good people. I never told a soul about the incident until last year.
I am 22 years of age now and in the university. Two years ago, I became a committed Christian and knowing God has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am not completely healed, but I believe I am a work in progress. Even though I am sometime still harsh and unfriendly I know God will change me completely.
When I was newly admitted into the university, there was a brother in the fellowship I attend that I was always having series of dreams about him like both of us playing together like kids or he helping me stand when I am very weak in the dream.
The first time I saw him in my dream he was standing on a corridor, and I heard a voice saying ‘you and him in the nearest future’.
Honestly, I didn’t understand these dreams, and subsequently forgot about them. Besides, beyond the courtesy of exchanging greetings, we don’t talk because I wasn’t into being friends with men. I can remember he called me on phone one day that he would like to talk to me about something, but when I went he didn’t say anything. I assumed God was trying to tell me he and I would be business partner.
Last year, I was just so heavy and down in my heart. For the first time I wanted to talk to someone about what I had kept to myself for years. Strangely, this guy was the only person that came to my mind. So I summoned courage and told him everything. Surprisingly he wasn’t judgmental at all. He was so nice. For several days he was always at hand to accompany me wherever I was going to, offer me some sorts of protection. It got to a point I had to remind him I wasn’t a kid anymore.
After a while, he told me about his feelings for me. He explained that he wasn’t interested in just dating me but marrying me. I promptly told him I was only interested in him as a friend and nothing more. He vowed to wait around me until I feel ready for a relationship.
Agatha this guy is a blessing to my world, always attentive to me as well as caring. He supports me with materials for my studies, Christian growth as well as other educational materials I need to build my knowledge of issues. I am able to talk to him about anything, and I feel very comfortable around him.
Sometimes, I feel he knows me more than myself, he will always tell me I am gifted in this area or that area and encourages me to try something new. There are so many things I never knew I could do, he actually pushes me forward, treats me as if I am something so precious and golden. In essence I know he loves me so much.
But the problem is he is different from the image of the man I considered marrying if I do decide to marry. I preferred a tall guy and a man who would be at least seven years older than I am. But this guy is of the same height with me and I am not too tall, two and a half years older than I am.
I actually told my mother and sister about him. They feel it is his personality that matters and not his physical appearance. They feel he loves me and that to them is most important.
He will be graduating in a few months time, and recently told me he is very scared we would never see again since he is travelling out for his master’s programme. I love his personality he’s a gift to me. He is nice, caring, a good Christian, not judgmental at all. Sometimes I feel he is God’s choice for me and think if I don’t end up marrying him, I will end up losing my first ever friend in the world, but I don’t know how to date or even give my heart to a man.
K.
Dear K,
I totally agree with your mother and sister, love is all that matters. If you agree to his proposition, you won’t be attached to his age or height but to his personality. Couples who are happy are those who ignored the image of their partners and looked instead at the personality of their persons.
If by your own admission, you say he is caring, supportive, honest and loyal, what else do you want in a man? Age isn’t the same thing as maturity. A person can be a hundred years of age and still lack what it takes to be responsible or caring. The fact that you were able to tell this man something you have never shared with anybody before underlies his ability to bring out the best in you.
A lot of guys would have capitalised on that to demand for sex from you, instead he was contented with offering you protection and friendship. Honestly, it is rare.
Besides, given the emotional and psychological trauma you suffered as a child in the hands of that man who raped you, you need a man who is caring and compassionate in your life.
No matter what you say today about marriage and intimacy with a man, a time would come when your body and mind would demand it. If you don’t get the right man to properly handle you, appreciate the woman in you as well as produce the required understanding to nurture you through the concomitant difficulties that accompany rape victims on their first time with a man of their choice, you may never be able to enjoy sex again.
At 22, there is a whole life out there for you. You will in time come to crave for the comforting presence of a man in your life. To get it right, you have to delete that incident from your mind. It took the brutality and animalistic nature of one man to get you to this point, you need the love and care of another man to get you out of it.
Love is what sustains life. You would be helping that man that violently deflowered you destroy your life if you refuse to give your heart to a man. He would have achieved his intentions of reducing you to nothing but a sex machine. He would have succeeded in his original quest of destroying you forever.
If you actually saw this young man in your dream and heard a voice telling you, both of you are meant to be together in future, it means your destinies are interwoven irrespective of all the fears you currently harbour in your mind.
Frankly, given your experience, you have the right to be weary of men, but you also have to consider the basic fact that in this world there are two categories of people, the good and the bad. The bad only helps us to be cautious but not to live life the way it should be lived. If you totally refuse to have anything to do with a man simply because one bad man has betrayed trust, then you are deluding yourself on the essence of life. God didn’t promise us life without challenges but His grace to overcome it whenever it arises.
You must move on from that point you have been since you were raped. You have stayed too long there. Give yourself freedom by moving on and exploring the beautiful side of life. There are very responsible and trustworthy men out there who would never hurt a woman.
And you will never know the strength of your feelings for this man or his feelings for you if you don’t remove all the obstacles you have unwittingly put in your way to happiness.
Go back to God and ask for His grace to make you forget that ugly incident as well as open your heart to love. Only the strong gets up after a fall to win.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
When I was a young girl, I was sexually abused. My advice to mothers is not to trust anyone with their daughters and should endeavour to be close to their daughters.
That incident really affected my life. I was deeply hurt emotionally. I was always snobbish, people actually called be arrogant. I was very withdrawn, very fearful, quiet, and sometimes moody with a very bad temper. I hated men with a passion. I made up my mind not to marry. I just wanted a good career. I am in hot demands from men but I have always been harsh to them. Most of them get very scared and simply give up further attempts.
I can’t say my parents were not good enough or careless, they are the best parents any child could pray for. I was just a victim of the presence of bad people, relatives among us. Sometime also, bad things happen to good people. I never told a soul about the incident until last year.
I am 22 years of age now and in the university. Two years ago, I became a committed Christian and knowing God has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am not completely healed, but I believe I am a work in progress. Even though I am sometime still harsh and unfriendly I know God will change me completely.
When I was newly admitted into the university, there was a brother in the fellowship I attend that I was always having series of dreams about him like both of us playing together like kids or he helping me stand when I am very weak in the dream.
The first time I saw him in my dream he was standing on a corridor, and I heard a voice saying ‘you and him in the nearest future’.
Honestly, I didn’t understand these dreams, and subsequently forgot about them. Besides, beyond the courtesy of exchanging greetings, we don’t talk because I wasn’t into being friends with men. I can remember he called me on phone one day that he would like to talk to me about something, but when I went he didn’t say anything. I assumed God was trying to tell me he and I would be business partner.
Last year, I was just so heavy and down in my heart. For the first time I wanted to talk to someone about what I had kept to myself for years. Strangely, this guy was the only person that came to my mind. So I summoned courage and told him everything. Surprisingly he wasn’t judgmental at all. He was so nice. For several days he was always at hand to accompany me wherever I was going to, offer me some sorts of protection. It got to a point I had to remind him I wasn’t a kid anymore.
After a while, he told me about his feelings for me. He explained that he wasn’t interested in just dating me but marrying me. I promptly told him I was only interested in him as a friend and nothing more. He vowed to wait around me until I feel ready for a relationship.
Agatha this guy is a blessing to my world, always attentive to me as well as caring. He supports me with materials for my studies, Christian growth as well as other educational materials I need to build my knowledge of issues. I am able to talk to him about anything, and I feel very comfortable around him.
Sometimes, I feel he knows me more than myself, he will always tell me I am gifted in this area or that area and encourages me to try something new. There are so many things I never knew I could do, he actually pushes me forward, treats me as if I am something so precious and golden. In essence I know he loves me so much.
But the problem is he is different from the image of the man I considered marrying if I do decide to marry. I preferred a tall guy and a man who would be at least seven years older than I am. But this guy is of the same height with me and I am not too tall, two and a half years older than I am.
I actually told my mother and sister about him. They feel it is his personality that matters and not his physical appearance. They feel he loves me and that to them is most important.
He will be graduating in a few months time, and recently told me he is very scared we would never see again since he is travelling out for his master’s programme. I love his personality he’s a gift to me. He is nice, caring, a good Christian, not judgmental at all. Sometimes I feel he is God’s choice for me and think if I don’t end up marrying him, I will end up losing my first ever friend in the world, but I don’t know how to date or even give my heart to a man.
K.
Dear K,
I totally agree with your mother and sister, love is all that matters. If you agree to his proposition, you won’t be attached to his age or height but to his personality. Couples who are happy are those who ignored the image of their partners and looked instead at the personality of their persons.
If by your own admission, you say he is caring, supportive, honest and loyal, what else do you want in a man? Age isn’t the same thing as maturity. A person can be a hundred years of age and still lack what it takes to be responsible or caring. The fact that you were able to tell this man something you have never shared with anybody before underlies his ability to bring out the best in you.
A lot of guys would have capitalised on that to demand for sex from you, instead he was contented with offering you protection and friendship. Honestly, it is rare.
Besides, given the emotional and psychological trauma you suffered as a child in the hands of that man who raped you, you need a man who is caring and compassionate in your life.
No matter what you say today about marriage and intimacy with a man, a time would come when your body and mind would demand it. If you don’t get the right man to properly handle you, appreciate the woman in you as well as produce the required understanding to nurture you through the concomitant difficulties that accompany rape victims on their first time with a man of their choice, you may never be able to enjoy sex again.
At 22, there is a whole life out there for you. You will in time come to crave for the comforting presence of a man in your life. To get it right, you have to delete that incident from your mind. It took the brutality and animalistic nature of one man to get you to this point, you need the love and care of another man to get you out of it.
Love is what sustains life. You would be helping that man that violently deflowered you destroy your life if you refuse to give your heart to a man. He would have achieved his intentions of reducing you to nothing but a sex machine. He would have succeeded in his original quest of destroying you forever.
If you actually saw this young man in your dream and heard a voice telling you, both of you are meant to be together in future, it means your destinies are interwoven irrespective of all the fears you currently harbour in your mind.
Frankly, given your experience, you have the right to be weary of men, but you also have to consider the basic fact that in this world there are two categories of people, the good and the bad. The bad only helps us to be cautious but not to live life the way it should be lived. If you totally refuse to have anything to do with a man simply because one bad man has betrayed trust, then you are deluding yourself on the essence of life. God didn’t promise us life without challenges but His grace to overcome it whenever it arises.
You must move on from that point you have been since you were raped. You have stayed too long there. Give yourself freedom by moving on and exploring the beautiful side of life. There are very responsible and trustworthy men out there who would never hurt a woman.
And you will never know the strength of your feelings for this man or his feelings for you if you don’t remove all the obstacles you have unwittingly put in your way to happiness.
Go back to God and ask for His grace to make you forget that ugly incident as well as open your heart to love. Only the strong gets up after a fall to win.
Good luck
He brought in another woman as his wife
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me urgently. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and blessed with three lovely girls. Although his mother has been agitating for a male child, he never gave the inkling that he was worried about not having a male child.
Not once did he mention it, not even when I was agitating for it. He was the one telling me not to worry about it; that he was happy with his daughters. He was forever telling me that I should cheer up, that there are women who don’t even have any.
With this in mind, I was rest assured that my marriage was intact. So you can imagine my pains and horror when he came home last week with a pregnant woman and a young male child.
He didn’t say anything to me but took the woman into the room next to ours. He settled her in, went into the kitchen to get food for her himself.
It took me a lot of will power to keep quiet until we were in our bedroom. It was then he told that the woman in the next room was his wife; that he was responsible for the pregnancy and that the little boy his, son.
I was too shocked to say anything. I couldn’t sleep all through the night. In the morning, he left our bedroom for hers and from there went to the office.
It wasn’t an hour after he left that his mother came in. she didn’t even bother with me but made straight for the other woman’s room.
Later the other woman and my mother-in-law went out and by the time they came back she was his legal wife. Unknown to me, they went to the registry to make formal their union. That night she moved into our matrimonial room ably supported by my mother-in-law who insisted she should sleep with her husband on her wedding night.
That was when I lost my cool. I slapped the woman hard on her cheek and that was when all hell was released in my home. But for the interventions of our neighbours who had never come to settle any dispute in my home, my mother-in-law would have thrown my children and I out of the house.
My husband met the commotion. He didn’t say anything to anybody. Instead, he went into the room and stayed there until everyone left.
The next morning he woke up before anybody, came into the children’s room, woke me up and told me to pack my things out the house. He told me that if I didn’t, I would regret knowing him.
That night, he almost killed me when he came back to meet me and the children still at home. From that day, it has become a pattern in my home for my husband to beat me.
I actually wanted to leave but my pastor insists I stay on because it is my home. My friends think I would be stupid to leave for another woman. My children want us to leave.
Sincerely I am so confused, don’t know what to do.
Agatha, I only married him under the customary law. After he paid my bride price and met my people, I moved in with him because by then I was already pregnant. I was so secured in his love, I didn’t push we go to the registry to formalize it. Although I pressurized him when his mother began to agitate for male child, I didn’t push it again when he kept telling me not to worry.
I love my husband but don’t know what to do about this. He isn’t acting like the man I know at all. I know something is wrong. Please I don’t know what to do. My mother-in-law says the other woman is the legal wife? Agatha, is it true? What are my chances in my marriage? It is all so frustrating.
Betrayed Wife.
Dear Betrayed Wife
Unfortunately and painfully, it is true that the other woman by virtue of being the one he married under the common law, is the legal wife recognized by the government. Because he married you under the customary law, the law sadly is on her side. You cannot sue for bigamy. The law of the Federal Republic of Nigeria recognizes polygamy provided the man didn’t marry his wives under the common law.
Call it unfair, but regrettably this is the position of the law.
Honestly, you need time out to think and have a breath of fresh air. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, you are going through very tough and difficult times. If you are not careful, you risk developing blood pressure or suffer stroke because of what is happening to you. There is no way you can think in this kind of situation and hostility. Besides, only the wise runs to fight another day. Who do you think would care for your children if during his strange and violent moments, he kills you?
Can the dead care, train and provide for children? Only the living does that. This situation requires wisdom to handle. To continue to stay is to put your life and those of your children at risk. Frankly, this marriage is n
ot worth you dying for. It is too complex and dangerous for you at this moment.
There is no way you can fight all three without losing something in the end. Even if you can fight all of them, what about your children? Are they strong enough to resist? Apart from the physical, a lot of spiritual manipulation is going on here, one you have to avoid until its potency clears enough for your husband to realize his mistakes. The truth is, if you don’t leave on your own, his mother and the other woman are quite capable of making you leave by force.
This battle isn’t yours to fight. Only God wins this kind of battle effortlessly and unless you leave, your husband would never come to his senses. They would continue to renew that thing they did to him to make him hate you so much.
Also consider the psychological effect of your being beaten daily by their father on the children. Being girls, these experiences could for life color their views concerning marriage and you won’t be able to convince them to change their minds. You owe it to these children and yourself to be happy again. You also need to protect them from all these violence. If you die, your children would be other people’s children, to send on errand, do the house chores while their own children go to school.
Only a fool stays near a burning fuel tanker or raging volcano. For now, your husband is raging; forget whether he is under some spell or not, the fact is, his anger is against you. it takes one fatal blow to terminate a life. If he is under influence like you suspect, then you are in more danger as he could be controlled to do anything his operators wish at any time. He would have done it before coming to his senses.
If you can afford it, no matter how small the accommodation is, move into a place where you can have the peace and presence of mind to think of your life, plan for the children and pray to God. He has already married her and there is nothing you on your own can do about that. Only God can do something about it so why allow yourself to be killed in a battle you lack the power to win?
Bear in mind that whatever goes up, comes down. Your day of laughter and thanksgiving would come but only if you are alive. For now, your children are your solace, your pride and comfort. Allow them to suffocate you with care and love. Believe me, children are very good at this. They know without being told when their mother needs their protection, attention and care. They may not have money to give you now, but they have so much love, loyalty and trust in your abilities to bounce back.
Your leaving is to help him with prayers as well as concentrate on caring for your children. Ensure you give them the best to help them get to the height of their career choices. It is the best way to silence people like your mother-in-law who thinks female children are worthless. You simply have to be strong for the children because the battle ahead requires strength and determination to overcome. Wipe those tears away and get moving because you haven’t even started on this journey of strength of mind. Be determined to emboss success on your children so much that, your husband’s family would be irrelevant without them.
This is the request you should take to God in prayers and worship. Don’t worry. The God you serve is strong and knows how to fight our battles.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
Please help me urgently. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and blessed with three lovely girls. Although his mother has been agitating for a male child, he never gave the inkling that he was worried about not having a male child.
Not once did he mention it, not even when I was agitating for it. He was the one telling me not to worry about it; that he was happy with his daughters. He was forever telling me that I should cheer up, that there are women who don’t even have any.
With this in mind, I was rest assured that my marriage was intact. So you can imagine my pains and horror when he came home last week with a pregnant woman and a young male child.
He didn’t say anything to me but took the woman into the room next to ours. He settled her in, went into the kitchen to get food for her himself.
It took me a lot of will power to keep quiet until we were in our bedroom. It was then he told that the woman in the next room was his wife; that he was responsible for the pregnancy and that the little boy his, son.
I was too shocked to say anything. I couldn’t sleep all through the night. In the morning, he left our bedroom for hers and from there went to the office.
It wasn’t an hour after he left that his mother came in. she didn’t even bother with me but made straight for the other woman’s room.
Later the other woman and my mother-in-law went out and by the time they came back she was his legal wife. Unknown to me, they went to the registry to make formal their union. That night she moved into our matrimonial room ably supported by my mother-in-law who insisted she should sleep with her husband on her wedding night.
That was when I lost my cool. I slapped the woman hard on her cheek and that was when all hell was released in my home. But for the interventions of our neighbours who had never come to settle any dispute in my home, my mother-in-law would have thrown my children and I out of the house.
My husband met the commotion. He didn’t say anything to anybody. Instead, he went into the room and stayed there until everyone left.
The next morning he woke up before anybody, came into the children’s room, woke me up and told me to pack my things out the house. He told me that if I didn’t, I would regret knowing him.
That night, he almost killed me when he came back to meet me and the children still at home. From that day, it has become a pattern in my home for my husband to beat me.
I actually wanted to leave but my pastor insists I stay on because it is my home. My friends think I would be stupid to leave for another woman. My children want us to leave.
Sincerely I am so confused, don’t know what to do.
Agatha, I only married him under the customary law. After he paid my bride price and met my people, I moved in with him because by then I was already pregnant. I was so secured in his love, I didn’t push we go to the registry to formalize it. Although I pressurized him when his mother began to agitate for male child, I didn’t push it again when he kept telling me not to worry.
I love my husband but don’t know what to do about this. He isn’t acting like the man I know at all. I know something is wrong. Please I don’t know what to do. My mother-in-law says the other woman is the legal wife? Agatha, is it true? What are my chances in my marriage? It is all so frustrating.
Betrayed Wife.
Dear Betrayed Wife
Unfortunately and painfully, it is true that the other woman by virtue of being the one he married under the common law, is the legal wife recognized by the government. Because he married you under the customary law, the law sadly is on her side. You cannot sue for bigamy. The law of the Federal Republic of Nigeria recognizes polygamy provided the man didn’t marry his wives under the common law.
Call it unfair, but regrettably this is the position of the law.
Honestly, you need time out to think and have a breath of fresh air. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, you are going through very tough and difficult times. If you are not careful, you risk developing blood pressure or suffer stroke because of what is happening to you. There is no way you can think in this kind of situation and hostility. Besides, only the wise runs to fight another day. Who do you think would care for your children if during his strange and violent moments, he kills you?
Can the dead care, train and provide for children? Only the living does that. This situation requires wisdom to handle. To continue to stay is to put your life and those of your children at risk. Frankly, this marriage is n
ot worth you dying for. It is too complex and dangerous for you at this moment.
There is no way you can fight all three without losing something in the end. Even if you can fight all of them, what about your children? Are they strong enough to resist? Apart from the physical, a lot of spiritual manipulation is going on here, one you have to avoid until its potency clears enough for your husband to realize his mistakes. The truth is, if you don’t leave on your own, his mother and the other woman are quite capable of making you leave by force.
This battle isn’t yours to fight. Only God wins this kind of battle effortlessly and unless you leave, your husband would never come to his senses. They would continue to renew that thing they did to him to make him hate you so much.
Also consider the psychological effect of your being beaten daily by their father on the children. Being girls, these experiences could for life color their views concerning marriage and you won’t be able to convince them to change their minds. You owe it to these children and yourself to be happy again. You also need to protect them from all these violence. If you die, your children would be other people’s children, to send on errand, do the house chores while their own children go to school.
Only a fool stays near a burning fuel tanker or raging volcano. For now, your husband is raging; forget whether he is under some spell or not, the fact is, his anger is against you. it takes one fatal blow to terminate a life. If he is under influence like you suspect, then you are in more danger as he could be controlled to do anything his operators wish at any time. He would have done it before coming to his senses.
If you can afford it, no matter how small the accommodation is, move into a place where you can have the peace and presence of mind to think of your life, plan for the children and pray to God. He has already married her and there is nothing you on your own can do about that. Only God can do something about it so why allow yourself to be killed in a battle you lack the power to win?
Bear in mind that whatever goes up, comes down. Your day of laughter and thanksgiving would come but only if you are alive. For now, your children are your solace, your pride and comfort. Allow them to suffocate you with care and love. Believe me, children are very good at this. They know without being told when their mother needs their protection, attention and care. They may not have money to give you now, but they have so much love, loyalty and trust in your abilities to bounce back.
Your leaving is to help him with prayers as well as concentrate on caring for your children. Ensure you give them the best to help them get to the height of their career choices. It is the best way to silence people like your mother-in-law who thinks female children are worthless. You simply have to be strong for the children because the battle ahead requires strength and determination to overcome. Wipe those tears away and get moving because you haven’t even started on this journey of strength of mind. Be determined to emboss success on your children so much that, your husband’s family would be irrelevant without them.
This is the request you should take to God in prayers and worship. Don’t worry. The God you serve is strong and knows how to fight our battles.
Good luck
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