With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God continue to guard and protect you for the good work you are doing for mankind.
I am 21 years of age. I started masturbating from an early age, in fact as early as age nine. And it has steadily grown worse to the point of it becoming a hobby. Even when I don’t have the inclination to I just do it for the fun of it.
What do I do to save myself from this act that has become part of me? Please I need your advice urgently as well as both the positive and negative effects of this habit on my future and me. Please I need to know. How do I get out of this mess especially now that I am going to school? I don’t want this thing to embarrass me.
Sam.
Dear Sam,
There is no contesting the fact that you have stayed too long with this habit. Definitely it would take more than a passing will to eradicate this inclination of yours from your system.
It would take a lot of discipline as well as determination to overcome. The first step is realisation that it is wrong. But to get it completely out of your mind, you must take a trip back into time you started it. Can you remember how you got into the habit as well as the purpose of it?
Do you think the reason for your preference is still valid? At what point did you begin to feel ashamed of yourself and loath the habit as well as.
You must find the equilibrium between then and now to fight it effectively.
The truth is that you are no longer nine years of age. Whatever made you go into it at that time obviously isn’t valid again. Even though it isn’t advisable for you to go into premarital sex because of the spiritual and health implications involved, you are now old enough to be intimate with a woman instead of depending on self-expression as a means of relief.
Like every other addiction it is going to take a long while to break. But you simply have to start from somewhere. And that somewhere is where you are now, the point of knowing you simply cannot continue with this habit any more.
Frankly, nothing I say can make a difference unless you are absolutely sure you want to move away from the point you are in now. It is more important for you to go to God in prayers. He is the only one at this critical point in your life that has all it takes to help you.
Follow with a spirit of submission to His will. When you are obedient, you will know what to avoid as well as what way you should go. One thing is to masturbate when the urge comes on another thing is to do it as a hobby not having the will to stop, take cognizance of where you are and not minding the consequences of what you are doing.
According to statistics, most men of adult age had at one time or the other engaged in masturbation either as fun or get relief when their partners aren’t around. At times too it occurs naturally when there is an abundance of sperm in the testicles.
Sometimes the urge comes from watching adult films or lusting after a female body. The onus is on you to find out why you are still doing it. Honestly if you do and make up your mind to leave it, you can, by diverting your mind away from your body at all times.
You can achieve this by trying as much as possible to avoid the signs that bring on the urge to touch your body. One of the most effective ways of beating the habit is to ensure you have people staying around you, someone or people you know has/have a strong will to resist should you decide to engage in your hobby. Such persons must have a measure of control over you, someone you have tremendous respect for and who has the maturity to keep quiet about it.
Because you have stayed too long with this habit, whatever positive benefits it has, has been defeated. Now its negativity is such if you don’t stop now it would be very difficult for any woman to please you in the bedroom. Also you would have time coping with her timing as you have over the years structured your body to your own timing and pleasures.
This is going to be the major challenge; learning to teach your body all over again to go the natural way.
You may also consider taking on a sport that would drain you of your energy, both mentally and spiritually. This way you would just be too tired to think of anything but sleep. Reading the words of God would also help in removing your mind from the pleasures and demands of your body.
Good luck.
Monday, May 23, 2011
My husband is insensitive and selfish
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Is marriage worth all the hassles? I got married last year and already I am getting tired of it. My husband is one of the most insensitive human beings I have come across. He comes home very late everyday and expects me to always be awake to open the gate for him, tend to his needs as well as ensure that his food is very hot.
He forgets that I am also a career woman and that apart from being his wife I have my own life to live.
I have honestly tried to be patient with him but in the last couple of months, I have grown tired of his careless and selfish attitude. I wake up sleepy and unable to concentrate at work. His attitude is affecting the whole of my being and existence.
Twice I tried to register my protest, it resulted into a terrible quarrel between us. It isn’t as if he doesn’t have his key but he appears incapable of using it. Sincerely, I think he is an over-pampered boy. His brother who was staying with him before we got married really indulged him because he was doing practically everything for him. When I came in, he had to leave because I made it clear I needed my privacy with my husband, so he left for the campus.
I no longer love him as I thought I did. Fortunately, I am yet to give him a child which makes it very easy for me to walk out of this marriage. I didn’t plan to be a slave to any man at all. If he wants a slave, he is welcomed to another wife because I just cannot go on tolerating the situation. Out there, there are a lot of men who would gladly have me and accept me for who I am.
But my mother thinks differently. She says I should continue to endure that it would eventually sort itself out.
She thinks I am too impatient and too idealistic; that the place of a woman is to ensure her man is happy.
She actually encouraged me to write to you for help but my mind is actually made up.
I am tired. Marriage is an equal partnership not one where the man arrogates to himself powers he doesn’t have at all.
Shile.
Dear Shile,
Even if you leave your current husband for another man, you would still experience the same thing there. The average man is incubated in the tube of time to act as the head and cover of a woman. There is no equal status in any marriage; the man would always assume the head of his home whether the woman likes it or not.
It is either you leave him and remain single for life to enable you take complete charge of your life or face the reality of bending to the leadership of your man.
From your mail, the major problem is your attitude to your husband as well as your attitude towards marriage. You must have the right attitude to be able to endure the challenges that come with marriage. There is no way you can hope to be happy in your relationship if you don’t first of all give respect to your man. Every man needs respect to be a good and understanding husband.
There is no way your husband would listen or accommodate your complains if you are rude and challenging about it.
Even if you are the bread winner, older than he is, the fact that you dropped your maiden name to take on his own, makes him the leader of that home. Therefore you must apply wisdom and plenty of tolerance in dealing with issues concerning him and your home.
According to your husband, respect doesn’t make you weak or less of who you are. The joy of every average woman is to be married and have a home of her own to manage. No matter how educated, well positioned in the society a woman is, her ultimate dream is the still to get married and have children of her own.
Your marriage may appear unimportant to you now, lose it and you would know how valuable this marriage is to you.
Therefore, listen to your mother and apply patience. If it is any encouragement, you don’t have monopoly of this problem. So many women out there have husbands who are behaving like yours; who come home late and want their meals still hot. It is the reason microwaves are becoming very popular among modern housewives. It is a matter of warming his food in a microwave or oven-proof dish while he is taking his bath. Before he comes out of the bathroom, the food would just be the right temperature to satisfy him.
And since you have an idea of when he comes back daily, get as much sleep before he comes back to make up for the time you have to attend to him. The fact that you are always home before he comes back shows that you have more time on your side. It won’t hurt you so much if you have slept for an hour or two before he comes in.
I know it can be very irritating but the fact remains you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices for your marriage to work. Women as home builders have made sacrifices like the one your mother is asking you to make for the house to become a home.
This is especially so since you are aware that his brother has always been the one playing this role in his life. If he has never used a key to open his gate and door in his life, even if you give him a copy of the key, he won’t know how to use it. It would take careful and patient tutoring on your part to get him to see why he should learn. From experience, he would eventually come to your way of thinking only if you are ready to endure this period.
Another thing you should also put into consideration is why he is staying out late. There is no way he would persistently keep late nights especially at this early stage of your marriage if it isn’t official.
And if he is doing it deliberately, then you should change your attitude towards him. The average newly wed husband would want to come home to his wife; that he is avoiding coming home shows that he isn’t happy and trying his possible best to avoid coming home to you. If you think it has nothing to do with his official duties, please for the sake of your happiness, endeavour to change your attitude to him.
There are various ways to change a man without fighting him. For instance, if he has fallen into the habit of coming home, as a good wife, try to find out why, listen to the things he isn’t saying more than the excuses he is giving to you. This way, you would be able to find out what the problem really is in your marriage.
At times too when a man wants to register his protest over an issue he has consistently complained of at home, he deliberately does things to annoy his wife to communicate his annoyance. Since marrying him, is there something he has persistently complained about and which you have ignored? If there is, this attitude of his may be his way of paying you back in your own coin. Like you, he also may have made up his mind about ending the marriage.
The clues you gather would inform you on how to make your marriage work.
As things stand now, stop complaining altogether. Don’t frown, be happy to receive him at whatever time he comes in. If deliberate, the moment he discovers that you are no longer affected by his late coming, he would begin to come home early while thinking of another way of making his displeasure known.
And if truly it has to do with his job, look for a time he is very relaxed to complain lovingly. Begin by telling him how special he is before registering your complain. Between the two of you, you can agree on something that would work for both of you.
Sincerely, I agree with your mother. Marriage is about practical solutions. Whatever concept you came into this marriage with must be deleted from your memory to make way for realistic ideas to come into your marriage.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Is marriage worth all the hassles? I got married last year and already I am getting tired of it. My husband is one of the most insensitive human beings I have come across. He comes home very late everyday and expects me to always be awake to open the gate for him, tend to his needs as well as ensure that his food is very hot.
He forgets that I am also a career woman and that apart from being his wife I have my own life to live.
I have honestly tried to be patient with him but in the last couple of months, I have grown tired of his careless and selfish attitude. I wake up sleepy and unable to concentrate at work. His attitude is affecting the whole of my being and existence.
Twice I tried to register my protest, it resulted into a terrible quarrel between us. It isn’t as if he doesn’t have his key but he appears incapable of using it. Sincerely, I think he is an over-pampered boy. His brother who was staying with him before we got married really indulged him because he was doing practically everything for him. When I came in, he had to leave because I made it clear I needed my privacy with my husband, so he left for the campus.
I no longer love him as I thought I did. Fortunately, I am yet to give him a child which makes it very easy for me to walk out of this marriage. I didn’t plan to be a slave to any man at all. If he wants a slave, he is welcomed to another wife because I just cannot go on tolerating the situation. Out there, there are a lot of men who would gladly have me and accept me for who I am.
But my mother thinks differently. She says I should continue to endure that it would eventually sort itself out.
She thinks I am too impatient and too idealistic; that the place of a woman is to ensure her man is happy.
She actually encouraged me to write to you for help but my mind is actually made up.
I am tired. Marriage is an equal partnership not one where the man arrogates to himself powers he doesn’t have at all.
Shile.
Dear Shile,
Even if you leave your current husband for another man, you would still experience the same thing there. The average man is incubated in the tube of time to act as the head and cover of a woman. There is no equal status in any marriage; the man would always assume the head of his home whether the woman likes it or not.
It is either you leave him and remain single for life to enable you take complete charge of your life or face the reality of bending to the leadership of your man.
From your mail, the major problem is your attitude to your husband as well as your attitude towards marriage. You must have the right attitude to be able to endure the challenges that come with marriage. There is no way you can hope to be happy in your relationship if you don’t first of all give respect to your man. Every man needs respect to be a good and understanding husband.
There is no way your husband would listen or accommodate your complains if you are rude and challenging about it.
Even if you are the bread winner, older than he is, the fact that you dropped your maiden name to take on his own, makes him the leader of that home. Therefore you must apply wisdom and plenty of tolerance in dealing with issues concerning him and your home.
According to your husband, respect doesn’t make you weak or less of who you are. The joy of every average woman is to be married and have a home of her own to manage. No matter how educated, well positioned in the society a woman is, her ultimate dream is the still to get married and have children of her own.
Your marriage may appear unimportant to you now, lose it and you would know how valuable this marriage is to you.
Therefore, listen to your mother and apply patience. If it is any encouragement, you don’t have monopoly of this problem. So many women out there have husbands who are behaving like yours; who come home late and want their meals still hot. It is the reason microwaves are becoming very popular among modern housewives. It is a matter of warming his food in a microwave or oven-proof dish while he is taking his bath. Before he comes out of the bathroom, the food would just be the right temperature to satisfy him.
And since you have an idea of when he comes back daily, get as much sleep before he comes back to make up for the time you have to attend to him. The fact that you are always home before he comes back shows that you have more time on your side. It won’t hurt you so much if you have slept for an hour or two before he comes in.
I know it can be very irritating but the fact remains you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices for your marriage to work. Women as home builders have made sacrifices like the one your mother is asking you to make for the house to become a home.
This is especially so since you are aware that his brother has always been the one playing this role in his life. If he has never used a key to open his gate and door in his life, even if you give him a copy of the key, he won’t know how to use it. It would take careful and patient tutoring on your part to get him to see why he should learn. From experience, he would eventually come to your way of thinking only if you are ready to endure this period.
Another thing you should also put into consideration is why he is staying out late. There is no way he would persistently keep late nights especially at this early stage of your marriage if it isn’t official.
And if he is doing it deliberately, then you should change your attitude towards him. The average newly wed husband would want to come home to his wife; that he is avoiding coming home shows that he isn’t happy and trying his possible best to avoid coming home to you. If you think it has nothing to do with his official duties, please for the sake of your happiness, endeavour to change your attitude to him.
There are various ways to change a man without fighting him. For instance, if he has fallen into the habit of coming home, as a good wife, try to find out why, listen to the things he isn’t saying more than the excuses he is giving to you. This way, you would be able to find out what the problem really is in your marriage.
At times too when a man wants to register his protest over an issue he has consistently complained of at home, he deliberately does things to annoy his wife to communicate his annoyance. Since marrying him, is there something he has persistently complained about and which you have ignored? If there is, this attitude of his may be his way of paying you back in your own coin. Like you, he also may have made up his mind about ending the marriage.
The clues you gather would inform you on how to make your marriage work.
As things stand now, stop complaining altogether. Don’t frown, be happy to receive him at whatever time he comes in. If deliberate, the moment he discovers that you are no longer affected by his late coming, he would begin to come home early while thinking of another way of making his displeasure known.
And if truly it has to do with his job, look for a time he is very relaxed to complain lovingly. Begin by telling him how special he is before registering your complain. Between the two of you, you can agree on something that would work for both of you.
Sincerely, I agree with your mother. Marriage is about practical solutions. Whatever concept you came into this marriage with must be deleted from your memory to make way for realistic ideas to come into your marriage.
Good luck.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Won’t I regret giving him my virginity before wedding night?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for all your help to people that have challenges in their relationships and marriage. May God bless you.
There is this guy I’m dating, he understands me and we both think alike. I love him and know he does too, even though we have not said anything to each other. But our actions to each other tell the story of our feelings. We have known each other for six months and have been dating each other for three months.
I have had other boyfriends before him but have never felt the way I do with him. With him, I can say and discuss anything.
Agatha, the major issue at hand is that I am a virgin. I didn’t sleep with any of my previous boyfriends because I didn’t like them enough.
But I feel like it is right for me to give it to him. I have always said in the past I would keep my virginity until my wedding night, but I don’t think I can wait any longer. He isn’t rushing me into it but I think it is okay because I love him.
I’m going to see him soon. But I think I am having second thoughts on whether he would still feel the same way after I must have slept with him.
Agatha, should I give it time by waiting just a little more time? Would I be disappointed in myself for not keeping to my promise of waiting till my wedding night?
Chi.
Dear Chi,
What happened between the time you made that promise to yourself and now to make you want to break it? Granted that you have fallen in love deeper than you have ever been but is it enough reason you to want to do away with something so priceless and so honourable to a woman?
If there is a time for you to be very careful it is now. True love is beautiful but is also the time people make the most mistakes in their lives especially if it is the first time one is truly experiencing its magic and full potency.
The best gift you can give to your man on your wedding night is your virginity. No matter how permissive the world has become, men take a lot of pride in being the one to introduce their women into womanhood on their wedding night.
He won’t appreciate this gift as much as he would if given him on your wedding night. It shall make you more honoured than if you give it to him now.
Besides, it is the right thing to do for any sensible young woman. Chances are he might change and you would discover after sleeping with him that you both no longer feel the same way about each other. Should this happen, the essence of keeping your virginity till now would have been defeated and the husband you wanted to please with it would never get to have the honour of being the first because a woman gets deflowered only once in her life.
Relationship is like an ocean. One moment everything is calm and beautiful while the next minute it could turn stormy and very ugly, calling to question one’s sanity in going into the relationship in the first place.
You also have to factor in the consequences of sleeping with a man. One thing is to make up your mind to do it another thing is for you to be prepared for the responsibilities built into this act. For instance, are you also thinking about unplanned pregnancy? There are some stubborn babies that are determined to come into the world irrespective of whatever precaution taken. Are you in particular ready to be a mother now? Is this boyfriend of yours ready for the challenges of being a father? This is one thing you must give adequate thoughts to. Not being a virgin is one thing, being a parent is huge since it is something one never gets out of.
Deep down, are you psychologically ready for this particular challenge?
Don’t forget you have only known him for six months, not enough time for you to be sure you are really both on the same page, desire the same things and share the same dreams.
Although he appears well focused not to put you under pressure for sex like most men his age, fact remains you should exercise some constraints to avoid being disappointed in yourself later on.
For now, ask for strength and the grace of God to be strong in sticking to the promise you made to yourself.
If there is anything life has taught me, it is never to disappoint myself. Once you don’t disappoint yourself, it is easier to discover who you are as well as your assignment on earth.
That promise not to sleep with any man is between you and God. This is the power of our own covenant. Would you rather disappoint that God or please yourself in your new discovery of love?
Once you are able to answer this question honestly you would know the right step to take.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for all your help to people that have challenges in their relationships and marriage. May God bless you.
There is this guy I’m dating, he understands me and we both think alike. I love him and know he does too, even though we have not said anything to each other. But our actions to each other tell the story of our feelings. We have known each other for six months and have been dating each other for three months.
I have had other boyfriends before him but have never felt the way I do with him. With him, I can say and discuss anything.
Agatha, the major issue at hand is that I am a virgin. I didn’t sleep with any of my previous boyfriends because I didn’t like them enough.
But I feel like it is right for me to give it to him. I have always said in the past I would keep my virginity until my wedding night, but I don’t think I can wait any longer. He isn’t rushing me into it but I think it is okay because I love him.
I’m going to see him soon. But I think I am having second thoughts on whether he would still feel the same way after I must have slept with him.
Agatha, should I give it time by waiting just a little more time? Would I be disappointed in myself for not keeping to my promise of waiting till my wedding night?
Chi.
Dear Chi,
What happened between the time you made that promise to yourself and now to make you want to break it? Granted that you have fallen in love deeper than you have ever been but is it enough reason you to want to do away with something so priceless and so honourable to a woman?
If there is a time for you to be very careful it is now. True love is beautiful but is also the time people make the most mistakes in their lives especially if it is the first time one is truly experiencing its magic and full potency.
The best gift you can give to your man on your wedding night is your virginity. No matter how permissive the world has become, men take a lot of pride in being the one to introduce their women into womanhood on their wedding night.
He won’t appreciate this gift as much as he would if given him on your wedding night. It shall make you more honoured than if you give it to him now.
Besides, it is the right thing to do for any sensible young woman. Chances are he might change and you would discover after sleeping with him that you both no longer feel the same way about each other. Should this happen, the essence of keeping your virginity till now would have been defeated and the husband you wanted to please with it would never get to have the honour of being the first because a woman gets deflowered only once in her life.
Relationship is like an ocean. One moment everything is calm and beautiful while the next minute it could turn stormy and very ugly, calling to question one’s sanity in going into the relationship in the first place.
You also have to factor in the consequences of sleeping with a man. One thing is to make up your mind to do it another thing is for you to be prepared for the responsibilities built into this act. For instance, are you also thinking about unplanned pregnancy? There are some stubborn babies that are determined to come into the world irrespective of whatever precaution taken. Are you in particular ready to be a mother now? Is this boyfriend of yours ready for the challenges of being a father? This is one thing you must give adequate thoughts to. Not being a virgin is one thing, being a parent is huge since it is something one never gets out of.
Deep down, are you psychologically ready for this particular challenge?
Don’t forget you have only known him for six months, not enough time for you to be sure you are really both on the same page, desire the same things and share the same dreams.
Although he appears well focused not to put you under pressure for sex like most men his age, fact remains you should exercise some constraints to avoid being disappointed in yourself later on.
For now, ask for strength and the grace of God to be strong in sticking to the promise you made to yourself.
If there is anything life has taught me, it is never to disappoint myself. Once you don’t disappoint yourself, it is easier to discover who you are as well as your assignment on earth.
That promise not to sleep with any man is between you and God. This is the power of our own covenant. Would you rather disappoint that God or please yourself in your new discovery of love?
Once you are able to answer this question honestly you would know the right step to take.
Good luck.
She craves secret date...
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are really helping people. Please help me too to get out of my emotional dilemma.
I am a 24-year-old second year Higher National Diploma student. My girlfriend and I have been together for five months. We are both in love but I find it very strange that she doesn’t want any of her friends to find out about us.
I really love her and I want something good to come out of our relationship. Please tell me what I should say to her to make her change her mind about telling our friends about us. I would appreciate your response.
Junior Boy.
Dear Junior Boy,
To get her to change her mind you must first understand her reasons for wanting to keep the relationship secret. Obviously something must be influencing her decision. This is what you should first find out from her by questioning her on her past experiences and why she prefers a secret relationship with you when all you want is to proclaim her to the world.
Without you finding this out, you will never be able to appreciate her or wisdom to find the right word to make her change her mind.
Most times our reasons for doing or not doing a particular thing is pasted in the incubator of our past.
Besides there are some people who don’t like to publicise their relationship at all. She may belong to this group. These people are of the opinion that it is private and no business of anybody except they that are in it.
To convince such persons, you must be ready to provide them with stronger arguments as well as apply a little bit of emotional blackmail to get them to shift grounds.
The emotional blackmail comes in the form of you asking her if she isn’t proud enough of you, happy with her decision to date you as well as her love for you.
These questions would make her realise that this relationship is not just about what she wants but also of what would make you happy.
It would also help her come to a better appreciation of what a relationship is all about. A relationship derives its strength from the contribution of the couple involved. She has to give you the opportunity of helping her cope with whatever phobia she has against making public her feelings while she has to give you the assurances of her trust in your love and the relationship.
Your best approach is to be patient. There is no point getting angry or agitated. To do that is to put the relationship under unnecessary stress. You must appreciate her reasons first and foremost, not to make the whole process of building a viable relationship difficult.
There are also ways of making the relationship obvious without you saying a word to anyone. From the way you court and attend to her, seek her out from the crowd, behave whenever she is around would send the signal of an intimacy around your friends.
The heart has a way of radiating its fondness and invisible music of love for a particular person for all to see and hear. True love doesn’t need the help of microphone to announce, the eyes, smiles and signals around a pair in love do more of the announcement than verbal words. I call it the secret scent of passion.
Once you are around her, the message of love between the two of you would be visible for all to see. It would be only a matter of time for people to know what is happening between the two of you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
You are really helping people. Please help me too to get out of my emotional dilemma.
I am a 24-year-old second year Higher National Diploma student. My girlfriend and I have been together for five months. We are both in love but I find it very strange that she doesn’t want any of her friends to find out about us.
I really love her and I want something good to come out of our relationship. Please tell me what I should say to her to make her change her mind about telling our friends about us. I would appreciate your response.
Junior Boy.
Dear Junior Boy,
To get her to change her mind you must first understand her reasons for wanting to keep the relationship secret. Obviously something must be influencing her decision. This is what you should first find out from her by questioning her on her past experiences and why she prefers a secret relationship with you when all you want is to proclaim her to the world.
Without you finding this out, you will never be able to appreciate her or wisdom to find the right word to make her change her mind.
Most times our reasons for doing or not doing a particular thing is pasted in the incubator of our past.
Besides there are some people who don’t like to publicise their relationship at all. She may belong to this group. These people are of the opinion that it is private and no business of anybody except they that are in it.
To convince such persons, you must be ready to provide them with stronger arguments as well as apply a little bit of emotional blackmail to get them to shift grounds.
The emotional blackmail comes in the form of you asking her if she isn’t proud enough of you, happy with her decision to date you as well as her love for you.
These questions would make her realise that this relationship is not just about what she wants but also of what would make you happy.
It would also help her come to a better appreciation of what a relationship is all about. A relationship derives its strength from the contribution of the couple involved. She has to give you the opportunity of helping her cope with whatever phobia she has against making public her feelings while she has to give you the assurances of her trust in your love and the relationship.
Your best approach is to be patient. There is no point getting angry or agitated. To do that is to put the relationship under unnecessary stress. You must appreciate her reasons first and foremost, not to make the whole process of building a viable relationship difficult.
There are also ways of making the relationship obvious without you saying a word to anyone. From the way you court and attend to her, seek her out from the crowd, behave whenever she is around would send the signal of an intimacy around your friends.
The heart has a way of radiating its fondness and invisible music of love for a particular person for all to see and hear. True love doesn’t need the help of microphone to announce, the eyes, smiles and signals around a pair in love do more of the announcement than verbal words. I call it the secret scent of passion.
Once you are around her, the message of love between the two of you would be visible for all to see. It would be only a matter of time for people to know what is happening between the two of you.
Good luck.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
He won’t wait till wedding night to have sex…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate presently working here in Lagos. Please, I have an issue with my boyfriend. We have been dating for over a year now and through out our relationship he has been demanding for sex but I refused. He said he has no option than to look for another girl who will satisfy him sexually.
Since then we have been having issues. We do love each other but I don’t want to have sex with him until our wedding night just as I don’t want to get pregnant outside wedlock.
From the way I see things, he isn’t ready for marriage even though he is working.
I have tried to make him understand but he is proving difficult on this matter. Please advise me. What do I do? I don’t know the importance of sex in a relationship.
Felicity
Dear Felicity,
Insist on what you believe in. When a man advertises sex as being of too much importance to him than the happiness of the woman in his life wisdom demands of the woman to be careful.
As a woman you have more to lose if he sleeps with you and at the end of the day he claims to find better pleasure in the arms of another woman. Sex shouldn’t be the reason a man and woman go into a relationship. There are numerous reasons and benefits more enduring than sex. These are the things that transform sex from a cheap and readily available thing to something special.
If marriage is what he wants from you, he shouldn’t market sex as his major interest. He should be more interested in discovering the nature and attributes of the woman he wishes to spend the rest of his life with. Quality sex can be taught anytime in one’s life, but not so for those things that make a marriage a haven of peace and happiness.
Telling you he would look for another lady who would satisfy him sexually should sound a note of warning to you. What assurances do you have that if you give him your body, he won’t find another reason to justify his interest in looking beyond you for pleasure? This kind of man would always find a reason to do whatever he wants to do.
The question you should ask him is whether he is interest in you! If truly he is interested in marrying you, he should be able to wait. Sex should be the icing on the cake on your wedding night.
However, you need to explain things better to him especially if he isn’t meeting you a virgin. Since you have already given your body to another man, he may think you are out to deceive him hence his insistence you give him right of way.
To assure him of your sincerity and fidelity, you have to give him strong reasons you changed your mind about being intimate with a man. You may not like his insistence but in his shoes too you would also feel the same way and deal with the doubts your refusal is creating in his mind.
If you were a virgin, it would be easier for him to understand but not when you have been intimate with a man before. If you really love him, plead with him for understanding and patience in this relationship.
Tell him you understand how he feels but would be honoured if he expresses understanding for your new position on premarital sex.
But he insists on having his way stick to what you know works for you.
The importance of sex can only come to full realisation in marriage because that is where God designed it to be. Sex is a special gift from God, given to married couples to cement, communicate and build a foundation of love and trust.
In addition it is to ensure continuity of life. It is a covenant between man and woman, the only thing that marries the souls and spirits of the couple. Because it is a covenant of love between a man and woman, when done with the wrong person it comes with some spiritual implications as the wrong person can always insist on a right of say in the other person’s life. This is why some people find it difficult to find a partner after leaving a particular relationship.
Although it is becoming increasingly difficult to abstain from sex in a world that celebrates sexual liberty, yet the best option remains the old time principle of waiting until the wedding night.
Dear Agatha,
I am a graduate presently working here in Lagos. Please, I have an issue with my boyfriend. We have been dating for over a year now and through out our relationship he has been demanding for sex but I refused. He said he has no option than to look for another girl who will satisfy him sexually.
Since then we have been having issues. We do love each other but I don’t want to have sex with him until our wedding night just as I don’t want to get pregnant outside wedlock.
From the way I see things, he isn’t ready for marriage even though he is working.
I have tried to make him understand but he is proving difficult on this matter. Please advise me. What do I do? I don’t know the importance of sex in a relationship.
Felicity
Dear Felicity,
Insist on what you believe in. When a man advertises sex as being of too much importance to him than the happiness of the woman in his life wisdom demands of the woman to be careful.
As a woman you have more to lose if he sleeps with you and at the end of the day he claims to find better pleasure in the arms of another woman. Sex shouldn’t be the reason a man and woman go into a relationship. There are numerous reasons and benefits more enduring than sex. These are the things that transform sex from a cheap and readily available thing to something special.
If marriage is what he wants from you, he shouldn’t market sex as his major interest. He should be more interested in discovering the nature and attributes of the woman he wishes to spend the rest of his life with. Quality sex can be taught anytime in one’s life, but not so for those things that make a marriage a haven of peace and happiness.
Telling you he would look for another lady who would satisfy him sexually should sound a note of warning to you. What assurances do you have that if you give him your body, he won’t find another reason to justify his interest in looking beyond you for pleasure? This kind of man would always find a reason to do whatever he wants to do.
The question you should ask him is whether he is interest in you! If truly he is interested in marrying you, he should be able to wait. Sex should be the icing on the cake on your wedding night.
However, you need to explain things better to him especially if he isn’t meeting you a virgin. Since you have already given your body to another man, he may think you are out to deceive him hence his insistence you give him right of way.
To assure him of your sincerity and fidelity, you have to give him strong reasons you changed your mind about being intimate with a man. You may not like his insistence but in his shoes too you would also feel the same way and deal with the doubts your refusal is creating in his mind.
If you were a virgin, it would be easier for him to understand but not when you have been intimate with a man before. If you really love him, plead with him for understanding and patience in this relationship.
Tell him you understand how he feels but would be honoured if he expresses understanding for your new position on premarital sex.
But he insists on having his way stick to what you know works for you.
The importance of sex can only come to full realisation in marriage because that is where God designed it to be. Sex is a special gift from God, given to married couples to cement, communicate and build a foundation of love and trust.
In addition it is to ensure continuity of life. It is a covenant between man and woman, the only thing that marries the souls and spirits of the couple. Because it is a covenant of love between a man and woman, when done with the wrong person it comes with some spiritual implications as the wrong person can always insist on a right of say in the other person’s life. This is why some people find it difficult to find a partner after leaving a particular relationship.
Although it is becoming increasingly difficult to abstain from sex in a world that celebrates sexual liberty, yet the best option remains the old time principle of waiting until the wedding night.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
My wife lacks kitchen skill
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
What kinds of women is this nation producing these days? I grew up in a home where my mother took pride in caring for our home, cooking our meals and taking special care of our father. She also taught us all how to cook.
I thought it was going to be like that for me when I married my wife three years ago.
Since marrying my wife, I haven’t had a decent meal in my house. She takes to buying me prepared meals from restaurants or frozen soups prepared and sold by department stores.
I have tried my best to make her change. It isn’t working for me. I went as far as paying someone to come to the house to teach her how to cook, but she is unwilling to be taught.
I am nearly my wits end and don’t know how to handle the matter anymore. My mother at one time offered to teach her, she declined on the grounds that she cannot cook the local meals my mother insists on teaching her. I have gone to her mother who says I should endure the situation.
The alternative is to employ a housemaid, but knowing the kind of temptations women present to me these days, I don’t want to tempt myself beyond what I can manage. Besides, of what use would my wife be in my house if I have to depend on another woman to cook my food under my roof?
I sincerely respect your wisdom and responses to challenging problems you daily tackle.
I would be very happy if you can help me. I don’t want a broken home but if pushed to the walls, I might as well take a walk and find myself a woman who knows how to care for her man.
Do help me Agatha.
Lekan.
Dear Lekan,
A lot of things have definitely changed from when you were a boy and now that you are a man. Women are getting better education and earning good salaries. The global economic situation makes it impossible for women not to work or engage in one form of business. This is because most men cannot afford to shoulder alone the responsibility of caring for their families.
All these added up to the thirst of the modern woman to be in charge of her life, by implications her finances, make it impossible for contemporary women to function in the mode of the old time wives.
This is the reason wives of these days are not functioning at full capacity in their duties at home.
But this is not to say that it is right for women to totally abdicate their duties as wives and mothers. Irrespective of a woman’s official responsibilities, she should make out time to make her impact felt at home.
A wife should ensure she creates time out of no time to cook for her husband and children. A lot of women have been able to manage their jobs with their homes successfully.
Therefore, the issue with your marriage isn’t that your wife is working but her attitude to life generally and marriage in particular. If she wasn’t brought up to appreciate the place of a woman in her home, her duties as wife, there is little you can do to make her change the attitude she is brought up with.
It isn’t just offering to teach her how to cook but changing her attitude towards the whole concept of marriage.
One thing is to ask her what her views are on my marriage. There is no way she can accept a change if her views run contrary to what you desire or think marriage is to you.
That you are both married doesn’t mean she totally agrees with your views on marriage or the generally held one. There has to be a marriage of what she believes and what is generally thought to be the reason we marry. If her views on marriage don’t include caring for her home, cooking or tending to the needs of her husband when he calls, nothing you tell such a woman would make sense to her.
Learning how to cook for you is the easiest part of the challenge confronting your marriage. The greatest task before you both is for her to define what marriage is to her. It would help you know where to come in how to achieve the results that would take your marriage to the next stage.
This is something you must do by yourself, without help from anybody. It also requires wisdom and patience. If you get angry, chances are you would drive her into her shell and make it impossible for her to confide her fears and hopes in you.
Patience is required on your side because what you are attempting to do is to get into an area of her life nobody has ever attempted to go into. It is what makes her who she is and the woman you married.
This is something she may not have discussed with another soul because it bothers on her most secretive side.
This is the root cause of your marital problems. In discussing this with her, be prepared for some surprises because it is often not easy to make swift changes in matters that are this deep rooted. You must first begin with small changes that would not completely scare her off the issue of marriage.
Also in most cases, expectations are wide apart from reality. During the dating period, certain things you may have allowed into the relationship as a man, are now obviously begin to matter to you. For instance, the issue of her inability to cook couldn’t have started after you got married. You must have known from the time you were dating and thought you could cope with it.
The fact that you didn’t complain then, took delight in helping entrench her thinking that you could depend on meals made by others, solidified her stance on marriage. Therefore if you want a total change from what you encouraged during your courtship days, you must be ready to be extremely tolerant as well as tactical in your bid to effect this change.
Also, you have to be ready to create time for both of you to do certain things together. For a woman who doesn’t know how to cook, encourage her while she is making any attempt by being her teacher especially as you can cook.
Chances are, the lessons she was too proud to learn from your mother and the person you employed to teach her, she would take from you.
See this as an opportunity for both of you to build your marriage, become friends, and discover new dimensions for your lives together as well as memorials for your children.
To encourage her to cook, on the day she would be at home, both of you should go to the market, buy foodstuff and soup ingredients to make your favourite.
Expose her to thrills of home made food as well as the fun that comes from combining all the ingredients into something delicious. By the time she sees you performing the magic and helping you with those little tasks, like bringing the palm oil, seasonings, spoons, water and what have you mothers send children to do while cooking, in no time she too would want to try her hand on it.
Because our needs and challenges are different, don’t allow any of your friends or associates discourage whatever attempts you deem fit to make this marriage work.
Some, out of mischief, may label you a hen pecked husband, ignore them because you know what you hope to achieve by doing this for your marriage.
The truth is that she isn’t to blame for her behaviour and attitude towards her marriage. She is only following the examples of the marriages she has been exposed to.
If she was taught how to cook, tend to the needs of her home and husband, there is no way she would completely depart from it. Her mother would have been able to talk some senses into her. Asking you to endure your wife’s behaviour shows that she cannot confront her daughter on her behaviour because there is nothing in her role as a mother to premise her argument on.
Because you have become each other’s responsibility and the happiness of your home your concern, the onus is now on you to help your wife come to the knowledge of what her roles in your life are.
There is a purpose for the training your mother gave you. God knew this day from yesterday hence His reason for making you go through your mother’s catering school.
Furthermore, learn to pray and commit your home to the influence of God. Even if you leave her and go for another woman, there is no telling what kind of challenge you would meet in that relationship.
For this reason, stick to your wife, there is no marriage without its cross. This is your cross; you must device a way to carry it with dignity and grace.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
What kinds of women is this nation producing these days? I grew up in a home where my mother took pride in caring for our home, cooking our meals and taking special care of our father. She also taught us all how to cook.
I thought it was going to be like that for me when I married my wife three years ago.
Since marrying my wife, I haven’t had a decent meal in my house. She takes to buying me prepared meals from restaurants or frozen soups prepared and sold by department stores.
I have tried my best to make her change. It isn’t working for me. I went as far as paying someone to come to the house to teach her how to cook, but she is unwilling to be taught.
I am nearly my wits end and don’t know how to handle the matter anymore. My mother at one time offered to teach her, she declined on the grounds that she cannot cook the local meals my mother insists on teaching her. I have gone to her mother who says I should endure the situation.
The alternative is to employ a housemaid, but knowing the kind of temptations women present to me these days, I don’t want to tempt myself beyond what I can manage. Besides, of what use would my wife be in my house if I have to depend on another woman to cook my food under my roof?
I sincerely respect your wisdom and responses to challenging problems you daily tackle.
I would be very happy if you can help me. I don’t want a broken home but if pushed to the walls, I might as well take a walk and find myself a woman who knows how to care for her man.
Do help me Agatha.
Lekan.
Dear Lekan,
A lot of things have definitely changed from when you were a boy and now that you are a man. Women are getting better education and earning good salaries. The global economic situation makes it impossible for women not to work or engage in one form of business. This is because most men cannot afford to shoulder alone the responsibility of caring for their families.
All these added up to the thirst of the modern woman to be in charge of her life, by implications her finances, make it impossible for contemporary women to function in the mode of the old time wives.
This is the reason wives of these days are not functioning at full capacity in their duties at home.
But this is not to say that it is right for women to totally abdicate their duties as wives and mothers. Irrespective of a woman’s official responsibilities, she should make out time to make her impact felt at home.
A wife should ensure she creates time out of no time to cook for her husband and children. A lot of women have been able to manage their jobs with their homes successfully.
Therefore, the issue with your marriage isn’t that your wife is working but her attitude to life generally and marriage in particular. If she wasn’t brought up to appreciate the place of a woman in her home, her duties as wife, there is little you can do to make her change the attitude she is brought up with.
It isn’t just offering to teach her how to cook but changing her attitude towards the whole concept of marriage.
One thing is to ask her what her views are on my marriage. There is no way she can accept a change if her views run contrary to what you desire or think marriage is to you.
That you are both married doesn’t mean she totally agrees with your views on marriage or the generally held one. There has to be a marriage of what she believes and what is generally thought to be the reason we marry. If her views on marriage don’t include caring for her home, cooking or tending to the needs of her husband when he calls, nothing you tell such a woman would make sense to her.
Learning how to cook for you is the easiest part of the challenge confronting your marriage. The greatest task before you both is for her to define what marriage is to her. It would help you know where to come in how to achieve the results that would take your marriage to the next stage.
This is something you must do by yourself, without help from anybody. It also requires wisdom and patience. If you get angry, chances are you would drive her into her shell and make it impossible for her to confide her fears and hopes in you.
Patience is required on your side because what you are attempting to do is to get into an area of her life nobody has ever attempted to go into. It is what makes her who she is and the woman you married.
This is something she may not have discussed with another soul because it bothers on her most secretive side.
This is the root cause of your marital problems. In discussing this with her, be prepared for some surprises because it is often not easy to make swift changes in matters that are this deep rooted. You must first begin with small changes that would not completely scare her off the issue of marriage.
Also in most cases, expectations are wide apart from reality. During the dating period, certain things you may have allowed into the relationship as a man, are now obviously begin to matter to you. For instance, the issue of her inability to cook couldn’t have started after you got married. You must have known from the time you were dating and thought you could cope with it.
The fact that you didn’t complain then, took delight in helping entrench her thinking that you could depend on meals made by others, solidified her stance on marriage. Therefore if you want a total change from what you encouraged during your courtship days, you must be ready to be extremely tolerant as well as tactical in your bid to effect this change.
Also, you have to be ready to create time for both of you to do certain things together. For a woman who doesn’t know how to cook, encourage her while she is making any attempt by being her teacher especially as you can cook.
Chances are, the lessons she was too proud to learn from your mother and the person you employed to teach her, she would take from you.
See this as an opportunity for both of you to build your marriage, become friends, and discover new dimensions for your lives together as well as memorials for your children.
To encourage her to cook, on the day she would be at home, both of you should go to the market, buy foodstuff and soup ingredients to make your favourite.
Expose her to thrills of home made food as well as the fun that comes from combining all the ingredients into something delicious. By the time she sees you performing the magic and helping you with those little tasks, like bringing the palm oil, seasonings, spoons, water and what have you mothers send children to do while cooking, in no time she too would want to try her hand on it.
Because our needs and challenges are different, don’t allow any of your friends or associates discourage whatever attempts you deem fit to make this marriage work.
Some, out of mischief, may label you a hen pecked husband, ignore them because you know what you hope to achieve by doing this for your marriage.
The truth is that she isn’t to blame for her behaviour and attitude towards her marriage. She is only following the examples of the marriages she has been exposed to.
If she was taught how to cook, tend to the needs of her home and husband, there is no way she would completely depart from it. Her mother would have been able to talk some senses into her. Asking you to endure your wife’s behaviour shows that she cannot confront her daughter on her behaviour because there is nothing in her role as a mother to premise her argument on.
Because you have become each other’s responsibility and the happiness of your home your concern, the onus is now on you to help your wife come to the knowledge of what her roles in your life are.
There is a purpose for the training your mother gave you. God knew this day from yesterday hence His reason for making you go through your mother’s catering school.
Furthermore, learn to pray and commit your home to the influence of God. Even if you leave her and go for another woman, there is no telling what kind of challenge you would meet in that relationship.
For this reason, stick to your wife, there is no marriage without its cross. This is your cross; you must device a way to carry it with dignity and grace.
Good luck.
Won’t past abortions hinder her ability to be pregnant?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am always impressed by the motherly way you handled people’s emotional problems.
I really thank God on your behalf and pray for more wisdom. I need your help. At the age of 30 years I still have no solid relationship or a girl friend.
In my bid to get someone to share my life with I logged on to Africhat provided by one of the Telecoms in Nigeria. I met a lady from one of the South Eastern states of Nigeria.
While chatting one day, she told me she had been involved in two abortions in the past. In fairness to her, she has tried so much to make this relationship work. She is 26 years, while I am 31. My fear is that won’t this adventure of hers affect conceptions in the future? I am under pressure to settle down. She seems sincere to me but I am worried. I would appreciate your help.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
One thing you must first erase from your marriage agenda is the word pressure. Yes people have a right to urge you to marry, given your age and the time to nurture your own children to maturity, but you reserve the final say in your affairs.
Marriage is deeper and complicated than a lot of young persons contemplating it think. Without the right partner by one’s side, a journey meant to be fun could turn out to be one of absolute stress and regrets.
Pressure makes one desperate and desperation makes one prone to avoidable mistakes. Best to wait a little bit and marry someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life than marry someone you think would fit the bill.
As regards this lady, telling you she has gone through two abortions is her way of clearing her past of any cobweb and skeleton that might destroy the relationship you are both trying to build. The fact that she volunteered the information shows a certain degree of willingness on her part to be truthful about herself. Sincerely, not every woman would do this.
Don’t therefore hold it against her for being honest enough to tell the truth concerning her past. Telling you was a risk she willingly took for the sake of the future you are both planning to have together.
If the evacuations were properly done by trained and experienced doctors there is nothing stopping her from having children in future. The problem occurs when women entrust their bodies to quacks or inexperienced doctors.
Besides, abortion isn’t the sole cause of the infertility in women. Sometimes the fault may come from the man. Statistics show that almost 50 percent of infertility issues in marriages come from men. The fact that a man experiences erection and able to be intimate with his woman doesn’t make him healthy enough to impregnate a woman. A lot of men have sperm quality that isn’t enough to power reproduction in their wives.
If you want to go with this woman, learn to trust her. She has told you about herself. There is nobody without a past. The fact that you haven’t been able to attract a stable relationship at 30 would be a source of concern to another woman. A lot of women would wonder if you are normal not to have had a workable relationship at your age.
The complexity of life is such that every step we take can be given millions of interpretations, hence always best to ignore things we can ignore and to avoid as much as possible judging the deficiency of others around us.
Wisdom demands that you don’t search too deeply into the cupboard of her past, to avoid a greater skeleton being discovered in your cupboard of time. What should matter to you now is the point at which you met her.
Given the choice to do what she did in the past or you for that matter, chances are that none of you would willingly make such a mistake again.
Beyond what you already know about her, there is the need for you both to arrange a meeting. Nothing compares to eye contact when it comes to the choice of who to spend the rest of one’s life with.
You have to make the effort of giving yourselves the chance of getting to know what each of you look like, want from life as well as your attitudes towards those little things that appear very unimportant now. These seemingly unimportant things are the reasons most marriages are today hitting the rock. Something as minute as not having the right attitude towards hygiene has been known to damage a marriage beyond repairs.
In addition you must learn to become good friends first before you can talk of marriage.
At this point, give both of you a chance to grow this relationship by having an opened mind as well as the right attitude towards life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am always impressed by the motherly way you handled people’s emotional problems.
I really thank God on your behalf and pray for more wisdom. I need your help. At the age of 30 years I still have no solid relationship or a girl friend.
In my bid to get someone to share my life with I logged on to Africhat provided by one of the Telecoms in Nigeria. I met a lady from one of the South Eastern states of Nigeria.
While chatting one day, she told me she had been involved in two abortions in the past. In fairness to her, she has tried so much to make this relationship work. She is 26 years, while I am 31. My fear is that won’t this adventure of hers affect conceptions in the future? I am under pressure to settle down. She seems sincere to me but I am worried. I would appreciate your help.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
One thing you must first erase from your marriage agenda is the word pressure. Yes people have a right to urge you to marry, given your age and the time to nurture your own children to maturity, but you reserve the final say in your affairs.
Marriage is deeper and complicated than a lot of young persons contemplating it think. Without the right partner by one’s side, a journey meant to be fun could turn out to be one of absolute stress and regrets.
Pressure makes one desperate and desperation makes one prone to avoidable mistakes. Best to wait a little bit and marry someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life than marry someone you think would fit the bill.
As regards this lady, telling you she has gone through two abortions is her way of clearing her past of any cobweb and skeleton that might destroy the relationship you are both trying to build. The fact that she volunteered the information shows a certain degree of willingness on her part to be truthful about herself. Sincerely, not every woman would do this.
Don’t therefore hold it against her for being honest enough to tell the truth concerning her past. Telling you was a risk she willingly took for the sake of the future you are both planning to have together.
If the evacuations were properly done by trained and experienced doctors there is nothing stopping her from having children in future. The problem occurs when women entrust their bodies to quacks or inexperienced doctors.
Besides, abortion isn’t the sole cause of the infertility in women. Sometimes the fault may come from the man. Statistics show that almost 50 percent of infertility issues in marriages come from men. The fact that a man experiences erection and able to be intimate with his woman doesn’t make him healthy enough to impregnate a woman. A lot of men have sperm quality that isn’t enough to power reproduction in their wives.
If you want to go with this woman, learn to trust her. She has told you about herself. There is nobody without a past. The fact that you haven’t been able to attract a stable relationship at 30 would be a source of concern to another woman. A lot of women would wonder if you are normal not to have had a workable relationship at your age.
The complexity of life is such that every step we take can be given millions of interpretations, hence always best to ignore things we can ignore and to avoid as much as possible judging the deficiency of others around us.
Wisdom demands that you don’t search too deeply into the cupboard of her past, to avoid a greater skeleton being discovered in your cupboard of time. What should matter to you now is the point at which you met her.
Given the choice to do what she did in the past or you for that matter, chances are that none of you would willingly make such a mistake again.
Beyond what you already know about her, there is the need for you both to arrange a meeting. Nothing compares to eye contact when it comes to the choice of who to spend the rest of one’s life with.
You have to make the effort of giving yourselves the chance of getting to know what each of you look like, want from life as well as your attitudes towards those little things that appear very unimportant now. These seemingly unimportant things are the reasons most marriages are today hitting the rock. Something as minute as not having the right attitude towards hygiene has been known to damage a marriage beyond repairs.
In addition you must learn to become good friends first before you can talk of marriage.
At this point, give both of you a chance to grow this relationship by having an opened mind as well as the right attitude towards life.
Good luck.
My housemaid is pregnant for my hubby
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My husband is bent on marrying our housemaid and I am not finding the situation funny since he is making a public show of it; besides the lady in question is already five months pregnant.
I only got to know recently because I come home late from workand leave early. The most worrisome thing is the unrepentant attitude of my husband who blames me for this shameful act of his.
He says if the housemaid is good enough to look after his home, care for my child, wash his clothes, cook his food then she is good enough to be his wife.
I find this argument irritating and of no help to our situation because he knows the nature of my job. I happen to be a branch manager of a bank. The dictates of my job leaves me with little time for my family; the reason I employed the housemaid to fill the void my absence creates in my home.
I decided to pick the bills of this lady myself so where have I gone wrong? The excuse that I am not always around doesn’t hold water with me because right from the beginning, he knew cooking wasn’t something I enjoy doing.
I am ready to forgive him but he is making it almost impossible for me by refusing my suggestion that the pregnancy be terminated so she can go her way. I can afford to pay her off to stay away from my husband and home.
I am really confused as to how to handle this issue as I cannot afford to share my husband with another woman let alone my paid help.
Although his family isn’t saying anything on the matter but I sense approval somewhere going by the utterances of his mother who blames me for not always being around.
I didn’t expect my husband who is a top lawyer to descend to the level of sleeping with a paid help or to have the time for that matter.
I wonder what kind of marriage he hopes to have with a lady who only managed to pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examination.
Nothing much is coming from my parents too. Except for my immediate junior sister, I am almost on my own on this issue.
I am not too afraid of this ever happening because as a lawyer he knows the implication of marrying another wife since we got married in both the church and registry. I am prepared to go into legal tussle with him but how do I get this lady and my husband to agree to terminate this pregnancy?
Despite what has happened, I love my husband and want to keep my marriage. Besides, my son needs his father’s presence. I cannot imagine being unmarried.
Please help me find a solution because I lack the idea of how to go about it.
Timileyin.
Dear Timileyin,
You are arrogant! This attitude won’t help you regain your home and husband. If you are desperate to make your marriage work, please come down from your high horse and get real. The issue at hand has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable.
There is no way your husband or this girl would agree to the termination of a five months old pregnancy. If they agree to it, would it stop the two of them from meeting outside your home and continuing with their relationship or stop him from marrying her under native laws and customs? You can only sue if he marries under the common law but if he decides to do it under native laws and customs, there is nothing you can do about it.
Being a lawyer, he understands and knows the law better than you do so the possibility of you defeating him in court is very slim. Chances are he would have taken all the areas of the law into consideration before insisting the lady keeps the pregnancy.
Sincerely, you cannot afford to be confrontational because you are the cause of everything happening in your home. Had you devoted time to your family, cared for your husband, made out time to learn how to cook as well as prepare his meals on the weekend that you are at home, he won’t have any reason to look elsewhere. The fact that you didn’t notice that your paid help was pregnant until the pregnancy clocked five months speaks volume of the time you spend at home as well as the quality of attention you give to the people you live with.
If you were more attentive to your home, you would have long discovered that this lady is in the family way before this pregnancy got to this advanced stage.
Honestly, you are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. Men are like children. They only appreciate the hands that feed and care for them. What do you expect from a man you have neglected for your job? Whatever his educational background may be, he has feelings and is turned on by the simple things that make a man happy. Sexual feelings and urges are primitive so also are the basic things that make men happy. If the educated woman he married is not available, neglects his needs and prefers her official responsibilities to that she owes her family, is he to blame for wanting something different?
You gave your meal to the cat. The reason men marry is to have a woman to care for their needs as men. Not every man wants a show piece for a wife; most men want real women, the ones who can cook and care for their homes. This is the primary responsibility of any woman going into matrimony. If the house maid is good enough to care for your husband and child, care for your home, cook his meals as well as prepare his bed, then she is as well good enough to sleep on the bed she made.
If you were around, there is no way your man would have had all the time in the world to sleep and get your house maid pregnant without you noticing the closeness and acting fast to avert this kind of mess. The fact that an educated man like your husband is determined to allow her keep the pregnancy and marry her should warn you of the futility of you insisting on what you want.
You need humility to negotiate yourself back to relevance into the heart of this man. If your own parents appear not to be on your side, then you must have overdone it.
First, you need to mellow down on your insistence that the pregnancy be induced. This is one pregnancy you have to accept and deal with. The only way to deal with it is to offer this lady all the support to give birth safely. It is only after then that you can negotiate with your husband where the baby stays. Frankly, the best thing to do is to offer to be a mother to this child; take on the responsibility of caring and looking after this child.
But before then, you must decide which is more important to you. Your job or home! While no one is asking you to be a full time housewife, you must think of a job or business that would give you the time to be a mother and wife in every sense of it. You have to make yourself relevant and very available in his life and home to neutralise whatever advantage this other lady has over you.
Making such offer to your husband would show your seriousness at making this marriage work. Your efforts to make amends at this critical time would determine if he would become sorry or not.
It is tough but you must be prepared to suffer further humiliation by being stupidly humble in the process of getting your husband from the arms of this woman you unwittingly pushed him into.
Own up to your own mistakes in your attempts to work something out with him. This is not time for you to blame him for this mess. You have to soften him first before blaming him for his weakness as a man.
Anger and trading blame won’t help you now. To do that would be to kiss away your marriage and home. There is no marriage without challenges but the wisdom and determination of the woman in the house often than not ascertain where the marriage would eventually berth. You must find out apart from the obvious ones the other things that you are doing wrong to have made your husband look elsewhere. You only found out because the woman in question is your house-help. Had he decided to do it far from home, you wouldn’t have known until the situation got really out of hands.
For the sake of the love you have for your home, be prepared to do whatever you have to do to make this marriage work for you including praying for the mindset to put the important things on the front burner.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
My husband is bent on marrying our housemaid and I am not finding the situation funny since he is making a public show of it; besides the lady in question is already five months pregnant.
I only got to know recently because I come home late from workand leave early. The most worrisome thing is the unrepentant attitude of my husband who blames me for this shameful act of his.
He says if the housemaid is good enough to look after his home, care for my child, wash his clothes, cook his food then she is good enough to be his wife.
I find this argument irritating and of no help to our situation because he knows the nature of my job. I happen to be a branch manager of a bank. The dictates of my job leaves me with little time for my family; the reason I employed the housemaid to fill the void my absence creates in my home.
I decided to pick the bills of this lady myself so where have I gone wrong? The excuse that I am not always around doesn’t hold water with me because right from the beginning, he knew cooking wasn’t something I enjoy doing.
I am ready to forgive him but he is making it almost impossible for me by refusing my suggestion that the pregnancy be terminated so she can go her way. I can afford to pay her off to stay away from my husband and home.
I am really confused as to how to handle this issue as I cannot afford to share my husband with another woman let alone my paid help.
Although his family isn’t saying anything on the matter but I sense approval somewhere going by the utterances of his mother who blames me for not always being around.
I didn’t expect my husband who is a top lawyer to descend to the level of sleeping with a paid help or to have the time for that matter.
I wonder what kind of marriage he hopes to have with a lady who only managed to pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examination.
Nothing much is coming from my parents too. Except for my immediate junior sister, I am almost on my own on this issue.
I am not too afraid of this ever happening because as a lawyer he knows the implication of marrying another wife since we got married in both the church and registry. I am prepared to go into legal tussle with him but how do I get this lady and my husband to agree to terminate this pregnancy?
Despite what has happened, I love my husband and want to keep my marriage. Besides, my son needs his father’s presence. I cannot imagine being unmarried.
Please help me find a solution because I lack the idea of how to go about it.
Timileyin.
Dear Timileyin,
You are arrogant! This attitude won’t help you regain your home and husband. If you are desperate to make your marriage work, please come down from your high horse and get real. The issue at hand has gone beyond what you want to what is practicable.
There is no way your husband or this girl would agree to the termination of a five months old pregnancy. If they agree to it, would it stop the two of them from meeting outside your home and continuing with their relationship or stop him from marrying her under native laws and customs? You can only sue if he marries under the common law but if he decides to do it under native laws and customs, there is nothing you can do about it.
Being a lawyer, he understands and knows the law better than you do so the possibility of you defeating him in court is very slim. Chances are he would have taken all the areas of the law into consideration before insisting the lady keeps the pregnancy.
Sincerely, you cannot afford to be confrontational because you are the cause of everything happening in your home. Had you devoted time to your family, cared for your husband, made out time to learn how to cook as well as prepare his meals on the weekend that you are at home, he won’t have any reason to look elsewhere. The fact that you didn’t notice that your paid help was pregnant until the pregnancy clocked five months speaks volume of the time you spend at home as well as the quality of attention you give to the people you live with.
If you were more attentive to your home, you would have long discovered that this lady is in the family way before this pregnancy got to this advanced stage.
Honestly, you are to blame for the mess your marriage has become. Men are like children. They only appreciate the hands that feed and care for them. What do you expect from a man you have neglected for your job? Whatever his educational background may be, he has feelings and is turned on by the simple things that make a man happy. Sexual feelings and urges are primitive so also are the basic things that make men happy. If the educated woman he married is not available, neglects his needs and prefers her official responsibilities to that she owes her family, is he to blame for wanting something different?
You gave your meal to the cat. The reason men marry is to have a woman to care for their needs as men. Not every man wants a show piece for a wife; most men want real women, the ones who can cook and care for their homes. This is the primary responsibility of any woman going into matrimony. If the house maid is good enough to care for your husband and child, care for your home, cook his meals as well as prepare his bed, then she is as well good enough to sleep on the bed she made.
If you were around, there is no way your man would have had all the time in the world to sleep and get your house maid pregnant without you noticing the closeness and acting fast to avert this kind of mess. The fact that an educated man like your husband is determined to allow her keep the pregnancy and marry her should warn you of the futility of you insisting on what you want.
You need humility to negotiate yourself back to relevance into the heart of this man. If your own parents appear not to be on your side, then you must have overdone it.
First, you need to mellow down on your insistence that the pregnancy be induced. This is one pregnancy you have to accept and deal with. The only way to deal with it is to offer this lady all the support to give birth safely. It is only after then that you can negotiate with your husband where the baby stays. Frankly, the best thing to do is to offer to be a mother to this child; take on the responsibility of caring and looking after this child.
But before then, you must decide which is more important to you. Your job or home! While no one is asking you to be a full time housewife, you must think of a job or business that would give you the time to be a mother and wife in every sense of it. You have to make yourself relevant and very available in his life and home to neutralise whatever advantage this other lady has over you.
Making such offer to your husband would show your seriousness at making this marriage work. Your efforts to make amends at this critical time would determine if he would become sorry or not.
It is tough but you must be prepared to suffer further humiliation by being stupidly humble in the process of getting your husband from the arms of this woman you unwittingly pushed him into.
Own up to your own mistakes in your attempts to work something out with him. This is not time for you to blame him for this mess. You have to soften him first before blaming him for his weakness as a man.
Anger and trading blame won’t help you now. To do that would be to kiss away your marriage and home. There is no marriage without challenges but the wisdom and determination of the woman in the house often than not ascertain where the marriage would eventually berth. You must find out apart from the obvious ones the other things that you are doing wrong to have made your husband look elsewhere. You only found out because the woman in question is your house-help. Had he decided to do it far from home, you wouldn’t have known until the situation got really out of hands.
For the sake of the love you have for your home, be prepared to do whatever you have to do to make this marriage work for you including praying for the mindset to put the important things on the front burner.
Good luck
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Our parents can’t live in harmony, we in disarray too
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com ,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I should start by thanking you for the various ways you help people deal with their burning issues.
I am 25 years old, married and from a polygamous family. There is this issue concerning my parents that bothers so much. It has to do with how they have failed to achieve a happy home as well as their inability to put behind them, their old ways.
They have been married for 35 years now. My daddy has four wives and my mother is the last. My mother is the only one who lives with him presently. They are practically intolerable of each other and flare up at the slightest provocation.
The love between my parents has drastically reduced to the extent that they hardly communicate with each other. My father does not care what becomes of my mother, any of my siblings or even me. He tells anybody who cares to listen that he won’t ever come to us for anything even if he is penniless.
In fairness to him, he invested so much in us all, giving us the chance to be whom we are today by sponsoring us to one of the developed countries in the world. By the way, he makes so much noise about this, announcing this to all and sundry. He is also in the habit of telling people what is happening to us in our private lives.
Being the only one among my mother’s children who showed interest in acquiring formal education, it has been reduced to nothing by the irritable attitude of my parents. I am suffering psychologically so much so my grades in the programme I am doing is falling.
My father is a disciplinarian and my mother easily provoked. This attitude of theirs has affected our family dynamics, my education and the general well being of my siblings.
Like I said, my grades have dropped badly, and I have been kicked out of my programme because I failed a course twice. Now I am really sad, and don’t really know if it’s worth informing them. I love them both and I wish they could love each other once again, put all the ugly old ways behind them and exhibit exemplary deeds. I am really sad and confused about the way forward. Kindly advise me on what to do next.
Worried Son.
Dear Worried Son,
If you are married as you claim, why not focus more on making your marriage work rather than bother yourself with the choice your parents made? Your concern should be more on how to avoid the mistake of your father.
If your mother is his fourth wife, your worries should be how not to acquire wives like your father. Something must be wrong for him to keep changing his wives.
Worrying over how to make things work for them is rather too late in the day. The moment your mother decided to be fourth wife to your father, she gave up her sole right in reforming this man. Whatever she does would be neutralised by the women before her who think they have more rights over this man than she has.
She may be the only one currently living with him, but the truth is, she is living with the presence, interests, antics, bitterness, disappointments, and intrigues of all the other wives. There is no way they would leave the management of your father and his affairs to your mother.
It is unfortunate that you and your siblings are the ones suffering the consequences but the truth is that your mother has to make the choice of what is most important to her at this critical point. The interest and well being of her children or trying to keep a home that was never hers from the moment she made the decision to marry your father.
Besides, by now she should have mastered the technique of avoiding problems with her man. Having stayed with him for 35 years, she by now know your father like a book, knowing his moods, weaknesses, strengths and his good side.
She should also by now have integrated herself to him, making sure she finds the key to unlock some of his irritating habits and making the place comfortable for her children.
The fact that they are still finding it difficult to find their rhythm shows they are both not doing enough to make each other happy. Like I said before, it would be almost impossible to achieve a harmonious home considering the disadvantage that followed your mother into the marriage.
At this point, encourage her to be closer to God for the sake of herself and her children. Being the last set of children, you and your siblings would need more than your efforts to make it in life.
Your peace and happiness would come from the efforts your mother is ready to make on bent knees praying to God. She also has to make the effort to control her temper to ensure her children do not suffer unnecessarily. If your father has done his bit of helping you all find the right footing in life, the rest is her battle to fight.
If your grades are falling, it is because at 25, you haven’t learnt to distant yourself from what is happening around you. It is also statement of how immature you still are, something you should really work on if your own marriage is to avoid following the pattern of your father’s.
One thing is the strength of character to withstand the storm of life. You don’t have any reason at your age to suffer from psychological problem because of your parents’ marriage. And to blame it on your inability to make good grades is only an excuse to dodge the obvious.
What are you really afraid of? This is a question you must carefully consider before answering. If the truth must be told, it is more than what you are saying. It is more to do with your own inadequacies as a man, your own limitations as a husband as well as your own failures as a son to help your parents realise that marriage is more than the two of them.
If you are really worried about their marriage, don’t limit your efforts to your immediate siblings alone. Enlist the help and support of every child that comes from your father’s loin.
Without a concerted efforts by you all to repair the foundation of your lives, by bringing together all the children of your father, nothing much can be achieved. Every interested party must be heard, canvassed and settled together before any of you can drum up support for progress for anyone in the family. A fragmented family can never stand. This should be your starting point in finding solution to your parents’ troubled marriage.
The outcome of this meeting would determine how much success you later achieve in bringing about peace between your mother and father. If your father has never attempted to reconcile his children and wives, it would be too much to expect him to reconcile with your mother and her children.
If he has always been harsh on his other women and children, there is no way he can change from what he has always been to something you and your siblings want.
Your mother’s happiness can never happen in a vacuum. All hands have to be on deck to ensure it is not achieved at the expense of any member of the family.
There is also the need for you to privately call your mother for discussion. If she is to achieve peace in her home, she has to learn to give respect to her man, recognise that being the only one living with him, gives her the added burden of being mother to all the other children by ensuring they have unhindered access to their father.
She should act as the bridge that would bring peace between those before her and your father.
Whatever happened between her and the other women at the time of her marriage to your father should be left in the past if she truly desires happiness and progress for her children.
Where she has to offer apologies or forgive completely, she shouldn’t hesitate at all. The beauty of life is in our ability to rise above our limitations.
The best thing you can do for yourself and wife is to learn from these experiences. Multiple marriages don’t solve the issue of inadequacies noticed in our partners; rather they only complicate issues. There is no problem patience and selflessness cannot solve in any relationship no matter how difficult it may appear at first.
Once we have the determination it eventually works out.
Ironically, the patience your father or mother didn’t have in their younger days is what they must have now to enjoy the benefits of old age if they hope to enjoy the fruits of being parents. Only a happy child thinks of providing the parents with comfort in their old age. At that meeting, ensure you emphasis this point.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I should start by thanking you for the various ways you help people deal with their burning issues.
I am 25 years old, married and from a polygamous family. There is this issue concerning my parents that bothers so much. It has to do with how they have failed to achieve a happy home as well as their inability to put behind them, their old ways.
They have been married for 35 years now. My daddy has four wives and my mother is the last. My mother is the only one who lives with him presently. They are practically intolerable of each other and flare up at the slightest provocation.
The love between my parents has drastically reduced to the extent that they hardly communicate with each other. My father does not care what becomes of my mother, any of my siblings or even me. He tells anybody who cares to listen that he won’t ever come to us for anything even if he is penniless.
In fairness to him, he invested so much in us all, giving us the chance to be whom we are today by sponsoring us to one of the developed countries in the world. By the way, he makes so much noise about this, announcing this to all and sundry. He is also in the habit of telling people what is happening to us in our private lives.
Being the only one among my mother’s children who showed interest in acquiring formal education, it has been reduced to nothing by the irritable attitude of my parents. I am suffering psychologically so much so my grades in the programme I am doing is falling.
My father is a disciplinarian and my mother easily provoked. This attitude of theirs has affected our family dynamics, my education and the general well being of my siblings.
Like I said, my grades have dropped badly, and I have been kicked out of my programme because I failed a course twice. Now I am really sad, and don’t really know if it’s worth informing them. I love them both and I wish they could love each other once again, put all the ugly old ways behind them and exhibit exemplary deeds. I am really sad and confused about the way forward. Kindly advise me on what to do next.
Worried Son.
Dear Worried Son,
If you are married as you claim, why not focus more on making your marriage work rather than bother yourself with the choice your parents made? Your concern should be more on how to avoid the mistake of your father.
If your mother is his fourth wife, your worries should be how not to acquire wives like your father. Something must be wrong for him to keep changing his wives.
Worrying over how to make things work for them is rather too late in the day. The moment your mother decided to be fourth wife to your father, she gave up her sole right in reforming this man. Whatever she does would be neutralised by the women before her who think they have more rights over this man than she has.
She may be the only one currently living with him, but the truth is, she is living with the presence, interests, antics, bitterness, disappointments, and intrigues of all the other wives. There is no way they would leave the management of your father and his affairs to your mother.
It is unfortunate that you and your siblings are the ones suffering the consequences but the truth is that your mother has to make the choice of what is most important to her at this critical point. The interest and well being of her children or trying to keep a home that was never hers from the moment she made the decision to marry your father.
Besides, by now she should have mastered the technique of avoiding problems with her man. Having stayed with him for 35 years, she by now know your father like a book, knowing his moods, weaknesses, strengths and his good side.
She should also by now have integrated herself to him, making sure she finds the key to unlock some of his irritating habits and making the place comfortable for her children.
The fact that they are still finding it difficult to find their rhythm shows they are both not doing enough to make each other happy. Like I said before, it would be almost impossible to achieve a harmonious home considering the disadvantage that followed your mother into the marriage.
At this point, encourage her to be closer to God for the sake of herself and her children. Being the last set of children, you and your siblings would need more than your efforts to make it in life.
Your peace and happiness would come from the efforts your mother is ready to make on bent knees praying to God. She also has to make the effort to control her temper to ensure her children do not suffer unnecessarily. If your father has done his bit of helping you all find the right footing in life, the rest is her battle to fight.
If your grades are falling, it is because at 25, you haven’t learnt to distant yourself from what is happening around you. It is also statement of how immature you still are, something you should really work on if your own marriage is to avoid following the pattern of your father’s.
One thing is the strength of character to withstand the storm of life. You don’t have any reason at your age to suffer from psychological problem because of your parents’ marriage. And to blame it on your inability to make good grades is only an excuse to dodge the obvious.
What are you really afraid of? This is a question you must carefully consider before answering. If the truth must be told, it is more than what you are saying. It is more to do with your own inadequacies as a man, your own limitations as a husband as well as your own failures as a son to help your parents realise that marriage is more than the two of them.
If you are really worried about their marriage, don’t limit your efforts to your immediate siblings alone. Enlist the help and support of every child that comes from your father’s loin.
Without a concerted efforts by you all to repair the foundation of your lives, by bringing together all the children of your father, nothing much can be achieved. Every interested party must be heard, canvassed and settled together before any of you can drum up support for progress for anyone in the family. A fragmented family can never stand. This should be your starting point in finding solution to your parents’ troubled marriage.
The outcome of this meeting would determine how much success you later achieve in bringing about peace between your mother and father. If your father has never attempted to reconcile his children and wives, it would be too much to expect him to reconcile with your mother and her children.
If he has always been harsh on his other women and children, there is no way he can change from what he has always been to something you and your siblings want.
Your mother’s happiness can never happen in a vacuum. All hands have to be on deck to ensure it is not achieved at the expense of any member of the family.
There is also the need for you to privately call your mother for discussion. If she is to achieve peace in her home, she has to learn to give respect to her man, recognise that being the only one living with him, gives her the added burden of being mother to all the other children by ensuring they have unhindered access to their father.
She should act as the bridge that would bring peace between those before her and your father.
Whatever happened between her and the other women at the time of her marriage to your father should be left in the past if she truly desires happiness and progress for her children.
Where she has to offer apologies or forgive completely, she shouldn’t hesitate at all. The beauty of life is in our ability to rise above our limitations.
The best thing you can do for yourself and wife is to learn from these experiences. Multiple marriages don’t solve the issue of inadequacies noticed in our partners; rather they only complicate issues. There is no problem patience and selflessness cannot solve in any relationship no matter how difficult it may appear at first.
Once we have the determination it eventually works out.
Ironically, the patience your father or mother didn’t have in their younger days is what they must have now to enjoy the benefits of old age if they hope to enjoy the fruits of being parents. Only a happy child thinks of providing the parents with comfort in their old age. At that meeting, ensure you emphasis this point.
Good luck.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Doubt if she takes our altar dream serious…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you as a blessing to this generation especially the young people like me who have learnt a lot from your daily counsels.
There is this lady I met last year through my cousin; I like her because she happens to be my kind of girl.
I proposed we should start a relationship that will lead to marriage. She accepted the proposal and added we should pray about it. But I don’t understand her character and we are not staying in the same area. She schools in Abia State while I am staying in Port Harcourt. She finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime, and even when she sees my missed calls, she never calls or beeps back.
I am the only one who calls her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much that I would not like to miss her.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
You are right. There is the need for both of you to acquire a profound understanding of each other’s character and attitude before you venture into marriage.
Unfortunately, not many young persons appreciate that there is more to marriage than falling in love. Between falling in love and staying married requires understanding, patience and wisdom.
All these come first from the knowledge of each other the couple is coming into the marriage with.
Despite leaving in separate towns and states, both of you can still make out time to study each other. One of such ways is for you to pay her surprised visits. Come into town without prior notice, book into a hotel for the number of days you intend spending there.
Call her thereafter to know what she is doing and where she is. Such visits will reveal a lot of things into her way of life as well as her person. Spending sometime with her on those visits shall also reveal a lot of things about her temperaments and values.
It would also enable her discover your weak points as well as your strong points.
You could also arrange to spend time together during your holidays. This would offer both of you the chance to know what you are both going into. Being together doesn’t mean you have to make love. This is one thing that will never go away but once the chance of knowing each presents itself and it is properly explored, the couple stands a chance of having an enduring relationship
We all have different attitudes to the issue of telephone usage. While some don’t mind making all the calls, others think it is import as well as a demonstration of one’s love.
However one thing is important, effective communication in a relationship. Without it, a relationship risks running under ground. This is especially important as both of you don’t reside in the same town. This is the angle you should harp on. Chances are she would listen better if she knows that whatever you share appreciates with effective communication and that with the availability of mobile phones relationships need not suffer from lack of communications.
Keep explaining to her that you are worried about her lukewarm attitude to daily communications between the two of you. Ask her pointedly how she would feel if you also adopt the attitude of not calling or talking to her?
However you have to prepare your mind that you would always be the one calling her because with people like her, it might take awhile for them to change their attitude towards effective communications in a relationship.
The success of a relationship is dependent on the amount of sacrifices one of the parties is willing to make. In this case, you are the one who has to make the most sacrifice for this relationship to work. I appreciate the pains and disappointments laced with this kind of sacrifice but when one wants something, the person must be prepared to go the extra mile.
A lot depends on how much you want this woman in your life as well as your conviction that she is special to you.
There is no relationship without its time of planting. On her part, she could also be studying you in terms of how much you are willing to invest in the relationship. If it is any consolation, old and trusted relationships too also go through this kind of challenge.
For both of you to get to that point of complete oneness, you must find time to come together to discuss your fears as well as dreams for the future. Through this effort you would know if you are both on the same page or not. One thing is to give commitment to be in a relationship, another thing is to ensure both parties are properly focused on what they each want from each other as well as the relationship.
It is only then you can confidently pursue a life together.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to thank God for using you as a blessing to this generation especially the young people like me who have learnt a lot from your daily counsels.
There is this lady I met last year through my cousin; I like her because she happens to be my kind of girl.
I proposed we should start a relationship that will lead to marriage. She accepted the proposal and added we should pray about it. But I don’t understand her character and we are not staying in the same area. She schools in Abia State while I am staying in Port Harcourt. She finds it difficult to call even when I send her airtime, and even when she sees my missed calls, she never calls or beeps back.
I am the only one who calls her. Please I need your candid advice on how to handle her because I like her so much that I would not like to miss her.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
You are right. There is the need for both of you to acquire a profound understanding of each other’s character and attitude before you venture into marriage.
Unfortunately, not many young persons appreciate that there is more to marriage than falling in love. Between falling in love and staying married requires understanding, patience and wisdom.
All these come first from the knowledge of each other the couple is coming into the marriage with.
Despite leaving in separate towns and states, both of you can still make out time to study each other. One of such ways is for you to pay her surprised visits. Come into town without prior notice, book into a hotel for the number of days you intend spending there.
Call her thereafter to know what she is doing and where she is. Such visits will reveal a lot of things into her way of life as well as her person. Spending sometime with her on those visits shall also reveal a lot of things about her temperaments and values.
It would also enable her discover your weak points as well as your strong points.
You could also arrange to spend time together during your holidays. This would offer both of you the chance to know what you are both going into. Being together doesn’t mean you have to make love. This is one thing that will never go away but once the chance of knowing each presents itself and it is properly explored, the couple stands a chance of having an enduring relationship
We all have different attitudes to the issue of telephone usage. While some don’t mind making all the calls, others think it is import as well as a demonstration of one’s love.
However one thing is important, effective communication in a relationship. Without it, a relationship risks running under ground. This is especially important as both of you don’t reside in the same town. This is the angle you should harp on. Chances are she would listen better if she knows that whatever you share appreciates with effective communication and that with the availability of mobile phones relationships need not suffer from lack of communications.
Keep explaining to her that you are worried about her lukewarm attitude to daily communications between the two of you. Ask her pointedly how she would feel if you also adopt the attitude of not calling or talking to her?
However you have to prepare your mind that you would always be the one calling her because with people like her, it might take awhile for them to change their attitude towards effective communications in a relationship.
The success of a relationship is dependent on the amount of sacrifices one of the parties is willing to make. In this case, you are the one who has to make the most sacrifice for this relationship to work. I appreciate the pains and disappointments laced with this kind of sacrifice but when one wants something, the person must be prepared to go the extra mile.
A lot depends on how much you want this woman in your life as well as your conviction that she is special to you.
There is no relationship without its time of planting. On her part, she could also be studying you in terms of how much you are willing to invest in the relationship. If it is any consolation, old and trusted relationships too also go through this kind of challenge.
For both of you to get to that point of complete oneness, you must find time to come together to discuss your fears as well as dreams for the future. Through this effort you would know if you are both on the same page or not. One thing is to give commitment to be in a relationship, another thing is to ensure both parties are properly focused on what they each want from each other as well as the relationship.
It is only then you can confidently pursue a life together.
Good luck.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Calling him after I had quit sounds odd, isn’t it?
With Agatha Edo, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I broke up with my boyfriend but I am contemplating calling me to say hello. Is it normal and right for me to do so?
Confused Girlfriend.
Dear Confused Girlfriend,
There is nothing wrong in calling him to say hello. It shows that you are matured and feels no bitterness towards him.
The fact that you are no longer dating doesn’t make both of you sworn enemies. There is always a life after separation. The fact that you both didn’t get on as a couple doesn’t mean you cannot become good friends.
Not every relationship we go into would lead to marriage, only one would. Every relationship we go into is an opportunity for us to make good and worthy friends. If he refuses to acknowledge your greetings, don’t bother but if your relationship meant anything to him, he would appreciate your effort to continue as a friend.
No matter what happened between the two of you, still go ahead to say hello. It would heal a lot of things between the two of you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I broke up with my boyfriend but I am contemplating calling me to say hello. Is it normal and right for me to do so?
Confused Girlfriend.
Dear Confused Girlfriend,
There is nothing wrong in calling him to say hello. It shows that you are matured and feels no bitterness towards him.
The fact that you are no longer dating doesn’t make both of you sworn enemies. There is always a life after separation. The fact that you both didn’t get on as a couple doesn’t mean you cannot become good friends.
Not every relationship we go into would lead to marriage, only one would. Every relationship we go into is an opportunity for us to make good and worthy friends. If he refuses to acknowledge your greetings, don’t bother but if your relationship meant anything to him, he would appreciate your effort to continue as a friend.
No matter what happened between the two of you, still go ahead to say hello. It would heal a lot of things between the two of you.
Good luck.
Matchmaking makes no taboo to me after years of waiting…
with Agatha Edo, email, gataedo@yahoo.com; agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I really appreciate you for all your good works so far. Some times I think life is not just fair. Recently, I asked myself what I did to deserve the kind of challenges I am facing.
I come from a humble family but with the fear of God. I graduated from Ambrose Ali University as an accountant. I am between 35 and 36 years of age.
I am still a virgin and hope to be until I get married. As a Christian I am of the firm belief that premarital sex is a sin against God and man. I come from a family of eight children, two boys and six girls. I work to support my siblings.
Now, I am more than ripe to get married and still searching for a husband. Most of my younger ones who got pregnant before they got married all live with their husbands. It is funny that I, that vowed to preserve my dignity as a woman, am without a man. It is becoming increasingly embarrassing as everyone is asking when I would get married.
It isn’t as if I have gotten offers before. In 2008, I met this guy who wanted to marry me but I later discovered that he was very violent. He fights and quarrels at the slightest misunderstanding. I thought then I was to blame because the nature of my job leaves me little time for both of us. Somewhere along the line, he opted out and I had to let go because of his violent nature.
I met another guy through network site and we became friends. He made a lot of promises to me including a marriage promise. Although his parents were divorced, he promised to take me to visit them. We began to make plans in February this year, prompting me to resign from my job. Not only has he been transferred from Benin to Port Harcourt, he no longer calls or bother to send short messages.
It has been a very difficult time for me prompting my mother to come over to my place due to my depression.
Ever since I have kept asking God, ‘why me’? I have prayed, fasted, even went for several deliverances and still no improvement in my life. I have sown a lot to believe God for his miracle, but this is a really difficult time for me.
Agatha, but you are good adviser, I do not know if you can match-make. But I have a desire here; the man must be a good Christian, come from a good family and must be ready to wait until our wedding night. He must also be ready to settle down soonest. I pray God uses you to help me smile.
Petra
Dear Petra,
One thing you can be very sure of, that no one can love you as much as God does. If He appears not to be listening to your prayers, it is because He is training you to be the person He created you to be. The best gold is the one that can withstand the most heat. You are still a work in progress in the hands of your creator so listen more to Him and less to yourself.
More often than not this is where the problems come from. When we are going through challenges, we are too busy and closed minded praying and fasting to listen to that silent voice of God. Why not for once give God a chance to speak to you?
He isn’t responding to your prayers and fasting because you have stored too much worries and issues in your mind. Even if when He is talking to you, you are too busy with your worries to identify His voice from your heap of garbage.
Now He is keeping His distance from you to get your full attention. There is no one who serves God and go away empty handed. God is never indebted to us.
Concentrate more on praising Him instead of praying and fasting. By praising Him, you are telling Him to take charge as well as helping yourself to situate things in your life. Praising Him brings out the action in Him faster than you think.
First and foremost, you must stop worrying about your age. Your worries won’t change anything rather they would only complicate things for you as well as invite unnecessary medical issues into your life. Only if you are healthy would you be able to attract and keep the interest of a man. There is nothing that ages a woman faster than worries and depression. I am sure you don’t want to look like a grandmother before your man comes along.
You must therefore snap out of your depression and wear a smile because it is the only way to overcome life’s many challenges.
Another thing you must try to avoid is your outlook to life. That you are a Christian doesn’t mean your outlook and thoughts must be boring. You must acquire the right looks as well as the broadness of mind to sustain the interest of a man in you.
God is the creator of knowledge; there is no subject He doesn’t know or above Him. You must not tie yourself to ancient doctrines that forbids Christians from looking good and being friendly. Keeping to yourself and being overtly condemning of other people’s attitudes doesn’t make you a better Christian. You can keep your values without being offensive and religiously condescending.
No man wants to live with a saint. Every man wants a wife, a woman and friend. It can be really boring for a man when all his wife does is to act superior to every other person around him. Jesus, befriended those considered social outcasts to enable Him draw them near.
If you fall into the mould of those who have become religious snobs, time is for you to come down before the one we all serve, we are condemned. His grace is what is keeping you and I alive.
Learn to live. The beauty of our faith is more in our ability to resist temptation and not to build a wall around ourselves. Without being tested we don’t have anything to defend and by so doing our foundation becomes too weak to stand the test of time.
The best weapons are those that can withstand the heat of time, so the ‘why me’ question is unnecessary. If you really devote time to hearing from God, you will get the answer to this question.
Forget about your siblings that are married. They are married to their husbands and not yours. They seem to be having the upper hand in that department because they have mastered the game of being happy with their choices. They are able to smile, laugh and look good. Take account of your own attitude and you would know what areas to work at. God is beautiful, glorious and peaceful. He epitomises love, happiness and peace. As His children, we must always reflect His attributes for all to see.
I don’t matchmake. I only help to publish requests like yours. I am sure the right man would come and stay if he finds the peace, happiness and friendship in your heart. As a woman your role is to support, give encouragement and lovingly point your man to the right direction. No man can resist these qualities in a woman. A woman who has the right charm and friendly disposition is like a poison to a man’s soul.
If your attitude is hostile, it won’t matter to the man if you are a virgin or not. A lot of things make a woman complete and right for the man’s soul. Virginity is only a fraction of it.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I really appreciate you for all your good works so far. Some times I think life is not just fair. Recently, I asked myself what I did to deserve the kind of challenges I am facing.
I come from a humble family but with the fear of God. I graduated from Ambrose Ali University as an accountant. I am between 35 and 36 years of age.
I am still a virgin and hope to be until I get married. As a Christian I am of the firm belief that premarital sex is a sin against God and man. I come from a family of eight children, two boys and six girls. I work to support my siblings.
Now, I am more than ripe to get married and still searching for a husband. Most of my younger ones who got pregnant before they got married all live with their husbands. It is funny that I, that vowed to preserve my dignity as a woman, am without a man. It is becoming increasingly embarrassing as everyone is asking when I would get married.
It isn’t as if I have gotten offers before. In 2008, I met this guy who wanted to marry me but I later discovered that he was very violent. He fights and quarrels at the slightest misunderstanding. I thought then I was to blame because the nature of my job leaves me little time for both of us. Somewhere along the line, he opted out and I had to let go because of his violent nature.
I met another guy through network site and we became friends. He made a lot of promises to me including a marriage promise. Although his parents were divorced, he promised to take me to visit them. We began to make plans in February this year, prompting me to resign from my job. Not only has he been transferred from Benin to Port Harcourt, he no longer calls or bother to send short messages.
It has been a very difficult time for me prompting my mother to come over to my place due to my depression.
Ever since I have kept asking God, ‘why me’? I have prayed, fasted, even went for several deliverances and still no improvement in my life. I have sown a lot to believe God for his miracle, but this is a really difficult time for me.
Agatha, but you are good adviser, I do not know if you can match-make. But I have a desire here; the man must be a good Christian, come from a good family and must be ready to wait until our wedding night. He must also be ready to settle down soonest. I pray God uses you to help me smile.
Petra
Dear Petra,
One thing you can be very sure of, that no one can love you as much as God does. If He appears not to be listening to your prayers, it is because He is training you to be the person He created you to be. The best gold is the one that can withstand the most heat. You are still a work in progress in the hands of your creator so listen more to Him and less to yourself.
More often than not this is where the problems come from. When we are going through challenges, we are too busy and closed minded praying and fasting to listen to that silent voice of God. Why not for once give God a chance to speak to you?
He isn’t responding to your prayers and fasting because you have stored too much worries and issues in your mind. Even if when He is talking to you, you are too busy with your worries to identify His voice from your heap of garbage.
Now He is keeping His distance from you to get your full attention. There is no one who serves God and go away empty handed. God is never indebted to us.
Concentrate more on praising Him instead of praying and fasting. By praising Him, you are telling Him to take charge as well as helping yourself to situate things in your life. Praising Him brings out the action in Him faster than you think.
First and foremost, you must stop worrying about your age. Your worries won’t change anything rather they would only complicate things for you as well as invite unnecessary medical issues into your life. Only if you are healthy would you be able to attract and keep the interest of a man. There is nothing that ages a woman faster than worries and depression. I am sure you don’t want to look like a grandmother before your man comes along.
You must therefore snap out of your depression and wear a smile because it is the only way to overcome life’s many challenges.
Another thing you must try to avoid is your outlook to life. That you are a Christian doesn’t mean your outlook and thoughts must be boring. You must acquire the right looks as well as the broadness of mind to sustain the interest of a man in you.
God is the creator of knowledge; there is no subject He doesn’t know or above Him. You must not tie yourself to ancient doctrines that forbids Christians from looking good and being friendly. Keeping to yourself and being overtly condemning of other people’s attitudes doesn’t make you a better Christian. You can keep your values without being offensive and religiously condescending.
No man wants to live with a saint. Every man wants a wife, a woman and friend. It can be really boring for a man when all his wife does is to act superior to every other person around him. Jesus, befriended those considered social outcasts to enable Him draw them near.
If you fall into the mould of those who have become religious snobs, time is for you to come down before the one we all serve, we are condemned. His grace is what is keeping you and I alive.
Learn to live. The beauty of our faith is more in our ability to resist temptation and not to build a wall around ourselves. Without being tested we don’t have anything to defend and by so doing our foundation becomes too weak to stand the test of time.
The best weapons are those that can withstand the heat of time, so the ‘why me’ question is unnecessary. If you really devote time to hearing from God, you will get the answer to this question.
Forget about your siblings that are married. They are married to their husbands and not yours. They seem to be having the upper hand in that department because they have mastered the game of being happy with their choices. They are able to smile, laugh and look good. Take account of your own attitude and you would know what areas to work at. God is beautiful, glorious and peaceful. He epitomises love, happiness and peace. As His children, we must always reflect His attributes for all to see.
I don’t matchmake. I only help to publish requests like yours. I am sure the right man would come and stay if he finds the peace, happiness and friendship in your heart. As a woman your role is to support, give encouragement and lovingly point your man to the right direction. No man can resist these qualities in a woman. A woman who has the right charm and friendly disposition is like a poison to a man’s soul.
If your attitude is hostile, it won’t matter to the man if you are a virgin or not. A lot of things make a woman complete and right for the man’s soul. Virginity is only a fraction of it.
Good luck.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Both AS, now she’s pregnant, yet we want no SS child…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Help, I am in a big problem that requires urgent attention else I would lose my sanity.
I am a 35-year-old man introduced to a 25-year-old girl last year. The relationship soon developed and we both agreed to cement it. We went for genotype test where it was confirmed that we were both of the AS genotype.
The two families advised us to end the relationship immediately to avoid our regretting it in the future. We refused and continue, though secretly.
Just as we were about putting an end to the relationship, she called to say she has missed her monthly flow. I advised her to go for a test and it was later confirmed that she was a month and two weeks pregnant.
I am surprised to see her pregnant since we always practice safe sex. She visits only during her safe period and I use both condom and ‘withdrawal methods’ when having sex with her. I have hundred percent trust in her that she isn’t promiscuous. I actually met her a virgin.
The questions is whether a lady can get pregnant after meeting her man on the third day after her menstrual flow with me using my safe sex method?
Is it also possible to determine the genotype of an unborn foetus? I would love to marry her, but I don’t want to bring in an innocent baby into a world of pain and suffering because of our selfishness.
Agatha please, advise me on what to do, I am so confused. She had been suggesting aborting the pregnancy, because she is afraid and don’t want either her people or mine to know about it. For me, I hate abortion, and have never attempted or assisted anyone in anyway to do it. I am afraid of the whole thing backfiring and she suffering later if anything goes wrong.
Afraid Man.
Dear Afraid Man,
There is no birth control that gives total assurance against pregnancy. God is still God and decides when a child is coming. Some determined babies have been known to defy all known medical procedures and restrictions in their quest to come to the world.
The issue here has gone beyond if she can become pregnant in spite of the methods of birth control you use. The answer is a categorical yes. From the age of the pregnancy, she didn’t become pregnant during your last time together. The pregnancy occurred before that day. The menstrual flow may be a fluke; some women still experience the monthly ritual of having menses even when pregnant.
The real worry here is the issue of your genotype. With both of you being AS, there is the risk of one or more of your children being SS. Like you rightly observed, it can be very traumatic for a couple with an SS child.
The child faces the challenge of not being able to live a healthy life like other children his or her age, exempted from certain activities other children take for granted and has to go through spell of pains and hospitalisation from time to time.
It isn’t pleasant for both child and parents, who daily fear that the child might die from any of the complications that come from being Sickle Cell.
Having and caring for an SS child isn’t a tea party, hence the need for you and your woman to be realistic about this child.
Yes, a medical procedure known as amniocentesis can determine the genotype of the child from the womb. It is a prenatal test in which a small amount of amniotic fluid like water that surrounds the foetus is removed from the sac surrounding the unborn child and tested. The sample of amniotic fluid is removed through a fine needle inserted into the uterus through the abdomen, under ultrasound guidance. The fluid is then sent to a laboratory for analysis. Different tests can be performed on a sample of amniotic fluid, depending on the genetic risk and indication for the test.
Because amniocentesis presents a small risk for both the mother and her baby, the prenatal test is generally offered to women who have a significant risk for genetic diseases, including those who have family history of certain birth defects such as SS. The results usually take about three weeks to come.
The results of the amniocentesis would tell you and your woman if an abortion is needed or not. Most often if the child is SS, the couple is usually advised to think of abortion, because of the challenges of having an SS child.
Frankly the choice of whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not is yours to make once the result is out.
If you decide to keep it, there is no way you can avoid telling your parents about it whether or not they are in support of your relationship or not.
Whatever the decision you want to make, do it urgently before the pregnancy becomes too obvious to be kept secret.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Help, I am in a big problem that requires urgent attention else I would lose my sanity.
I am a 35-year-old man introduced to a 25-year-old girl last year. The relationship soon developed and we both agreed to cement it. We went for genotype test where it was confirmed that we were both of the AS genotype.
The two families advised us to end the relationship immediately to avoid our regretting it in the future. We refused and continue, though secretly.
Just as we were about putting an end to the relationship, she called to say she has missed her monthly flow. I advised her to go for a test and it was later confirmed that she was a month and two weeks pregnant.
I am surprised to see her pregnant since we always practice safe sex. She visits only during her safe period and I use both condom and ‘withdrawal methods’ when having sex with her. I have hundred percent trust in her that she isn’t promiscuous. I actually met her a virgin.
The questions is whether a lady can get pregnant after meeting her man on the third day after her menstrual flow with me using my safe sex method?
Is it also possible to determine the genotype of an unborn foetus? I would love to marry her, but I don’t want to bring in an innocent baby into a world of pain and suffering because of our selfishness.
Agatha please, advise me on what to do, I am so confused. She had been suggesting aborting the pregnancy, because she is afraid and don’t want either her people or mine to know about it. For me, I hate abortion, and have never attempted or assisted anyone in anyway to do it. I am afraid of the whole thing backfiring and she suffering later if anything goes wrong.
Afraid Man.
Dear Afraid Man,
There is no birth control that gives total assurance against pregnancy. God is still God and decides when a child is coming. Some determined babies have been known to defy all known medical procedures and restrictions in their quest to come to the world.
The issue here has gone beyond if she can become pregnant in spite of the methods of birth control you use. The answer is a categorical yes. From the age of the pregnancy, she didn’t become pregnant during your last time together. The pregnancy occurred before that day. The menstrual flow may be a fluke; some women still experience the monthly ritual of having menses even when pregnant.
The real worry here is the issue of your genotype. With both of you being AS, there is the risk of one or more of your children being SS. Like you rightly observed, it can be very traumatic for a couple with an SS child.
The child faces the challenge of not being able to live a healthy life like other children his or her age, exempted from certain activities other children take for granted and has to go through spell of pains and hospitalisation from time to time.
It isn’t pleasant for both child and parents, who daily fear that the child might die from any of the complications that come from being Sickle Cell.
Having and caring for an SS child isn’t a tea party, hence the need for you and your woman to be realistic about this child.
Yes, a medical procedure known as amniocentesis can determine the genotype of the child from the womb. It is a prenatal test in which a small amount of amniotic fluid like water that surrounds the foetus is removed from the sac surrounding the unborn child and tested. The sample of amniotic fluid is removed through a fine needle inserted into the uterus through the abdomen, under ultrasound guidance. The fluid is then sent to a laboratory for analysis. Different tests can be performed on a sample of amniotic fluid, depending on the genetic risk and indication for the test.
Because amniocentesis presents a small risk for both the mother and her baby, the prenatal test is generally offered to women who have a significant risk for genetic diseases, including those who have family history of certain birth defects such as SS. The results usually take about three weeks to come.
The results of the amniocentesis would tell you and your woman if an abortion is needed or not. Most often if the child is SS, the couple is usually advised to think of abortion, because of the challenges of having an SS child.
Frankly the choice of whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not is yours to make once the result is out.
If you decide to keep it, there is no way you can avoid telling your parents about it whether or not they are in support of your relationship or not.
Whatever the decision you want to make, do it urgently before the pregnancy becomes too obvious to be kept secret.
Good luck.
She coerced me into marrying her
Marriage Clinic, With Agatha Edo. email;gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Despite being in financial stress, the lady I was dating mounted pressure on me to marry her. We ended up getting marriage in the registry. She met me while I was studying for my Ordinary National Diploma. Before we got married, we discussed my financial status as well as how to share the bills between us. We agreed on something but I couldn’t continue with my studies after a while due to lack of funds.
Four years into our marriage, I found out she was four years older than I am. This isn’t the only issue I have to contend with. She also doesn’t give in to sex when I want it. She only agrees to it when she wants it. This habit of hers has pushed me to masturbating.
Even though we got married before my two elder brothers, their wives have since given birth while mine hasn’t even gotten pregnant for one day.
I honestly feel like moving on with my life. Please advice me on what to do because before I married, I got a lady pregnant.
I have discussed this issue with my family who are all aware that I am fed up. You won’t believe she once starved me of sex for three months. Her excuse was the herbal concoction she was taking to get pregnant. I have been managing a security job but my contract with the company has ended.
At 31, I am preparing for my UTME examinations. I would appreciate if you can help me get a job to enable me start life all over again.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
When the going gets very tough; only the tough gets going. There is no where in the Bible that God promised us a problem free life; His grace, He says, is sufficient to see us through difficult periods in our lives. This promised grace would help you recover all that you have lost. It is just a matter of time and patience.
I wish I had a job to offer you but this is one request I cannot help you with If you are desirous of working with the company you mentioned, go in there and drop your C.V. You never can tell what God intends to accomplish for you.
As for your marriage, you just have to learn to endure the situation. Granted, she lied about her age but the fact remains that you allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry her. You must have felt something very strong for her to have yielded to her pressures.
If you are just finding out about the four-year gap between the two of you, it means her age sits well on her. If it didn’t, you would have noticed it from the time you met. Therefore it isn’t that she is older than you that is the real bother here but the fact that she kept such vital information from you. This, plus the fact that you felt cheated in marrying a woman you wouldn’t ordinarily have married given the age difference is the issue here.
Sincerely, you have every right to be angry with her. You also have every reason to doubt other things about her but the bottom line is that you have to find it in your heart to forgive her if the required effort has to be put to salvage this marriage.
A lot of things could happen in a marriage to bring on a change of attitude in either the woman or the man but these same circumstances can be erased with the right attitude as well as determination.
Before you can make a conclusive decision concerning the viability of the marriage, you have to be sure that there is nothing else you can do. This is important because as we grow older in life, we begin to acquire a deeper understanding to life. Issues we were impatient about before would no longer mean so much. This is what you should avoid because there is no telling what you would encounter in your next marriage.
Every marriage has a cross and if you aren’t careful, you may discover that there is more warmth where you are coming from than where you are going to.
You must attempt to avoid life long regrets, the kind you would wish you could undo.
I am sure she wasn’t like this when you agreed to marry her. Something must have happened between the time you both married and now to make her change dramatically. You must therefore begin the search for answers from your end. What did you do wrong? The fault can’t be hers only. Why did she have to lie about her age? Would you have married her if you knew her age? Would your love for her have been sufficient to cover the fact that she is older than you are?
Yes, she wronged you by keeping this important information away from you but divorce isn’t always the answer. If you are both unable to conceive since getting married four years ago, what efforts have you two made to find out medically what the matter is and what modern medicine can be of help to the one with the fault?
That you have impregnated someone before doesn’t mean you cannot suffer secondary infertility. One or two things may have happened in the past to affect your reproductive system. It is always wrong for anybody to assume that because certain things have happened in the past, one is okay medically. There is so much both of you can do together as a couple to help improve on the situation between the two of you. If you are both friends, she would be free to discuss her past with you and tell you whatever you have to know about her past love life. You are both in the dark about each other’s medical history because there is massive distrust on your parts. You have to learn to trust each other sufficiently to get to the root of this medical problem.
In addition, babies can only come when the home is happy. With the tension between the two of you, conception may be very difficult if not impossible.
If she is taking any medication, you should know about it. That she is taking it without your knowledge shows that there is no cohesion between both of you. The bitterness and disappointments of not having a child becloud your marriage so much so, you have forgotten the reason you both got married in the first place.
Marriage is more than having a child or children. If you are having difficulties having a child, don’t have difficulties being friends and companion to each other. This way, you make your marriage so strong and elastic to withstand any situation.
Honestly, this is the time for both of you to focus on building your marriage as well as the quality of your life. That you are unemployed doesn’t mean you cannot have a happy home, one in which your woman would willingly contribute her quota.
Some of the time, our partners react to the signals they are getting from us. If the message she is getting from you is that she is worthless in your life because she hasn’t been able to give you a child, there is no way you will ever get the best from her because of that inherent fear that she is a stranger in your home and life. Your brothers’ wives that have children are living in their seasons; when it is the season of your wife to be a mother, God will grant her prayers. Don’t compare; it is the worst thing you can do to your marriage.
If you are able to cross the hurdle of anger, a lot of things would work out fine.
Both of you have to seek the face of God together for your lives to be meaningful.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Despite being in financial stress, the lady I was dating mounted pressure on me to marry her. We ended up getting marriage in the registry. She met me while I was studying for my Ordinary National Diploma. Before we got married, we discussed my financial status as well as how to share the bills between us. We agreed on something but I couldn’t continue with my studies after a while due to lack of funds.
Four years into our marriage, I found out she was four years older than I am. This isn’t the only issue I have to contend with. She also doesn’t give in to sex when I want it. She only agrees to it when she wants it. This habit of hers has pushed me to masturbating.
Even though we got married before my two elder brothers, their wives have since given birth while mine hasn’t even gotten pregnant for one day.
I honestly feel like moving on with my life. Please advice me on what to do because before I married, I got a lady pregnant.
I have discussed this issue with my family who are all aware that I am fed up. You won’t believe she once starved me of sex for three months. Her excuse was the herbal concoction she was taking to get pregnant. I have been managing a security job but my contract with the company has ended.
At 31, I am preparing for my UTME examinations. I would appreciate if you can help me get a job to enable me start life all over again.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
When the going gets very tough; only the tough gets going. There is no where in the Bible that God promised us a problem free life; His grace, He says, is sufficient to see us through difficult periods in our lives. This promised grace would help you recover all that you have lost. It is just a matter of time and patience.
I wish I had a job to offer you but this is one request I cannot help you with If you are desirous of working with the company you mentioned, go in there and drop your C.V. You never can tell what God intends to accomplish for you.
As for your marriage, you just have to learn to endure the situation. Granted, she lied about her age but the fact remains that you allowed yourself to be persuaded to marry her. You must have felt something very strong for her to have yielded to her pressures.
If you are just finding out about the four-year gap between the two of you, it means her age sits well on her. If it didn’t, you would have noticed it from the time you met. Therefore it isn’t that she is older than you that is the real bother here but the fact that she kept such vital information from you. This, plus the fact that you felt cheated in marrying a woman you wouldn’t ordinarily have married given the age difference is the issue here.
Sincerely, you have every right to be angry with her. You also have every reason to doubt other things about her but the bottom line is that you have to find it in your heart to forgive her if the required effort has to be put to salvage this marriage.
A lot of things could happen in a marriage to bring on a change of attitude in either the woman or the man but these same circumstances can be erased with the right attitude as well as determination.
Before you can make a conclusive decision concerning the viability of the marriage, you have to be sure that there is nothing else you can do. This is important because as we grow older in life, we begin to acquire a deeper understanding to life. Issues we were impatient about before would no longer mean so much. This is what you should avoid because there is no telling what you would encounter in your next marriage.
Every marriage has a cross and if you aren’t careful, you may discover that there is more warmth where you are coming from than where you are going to.
You must attempt to avoid life long regrets, the kind you would wish you could undo.
I am sure she wasn’t like this when you agreed to marry her. Something must have happened between the time you both married and now to make her change dramatically. You must therefore begin the search for answers from your end. What did you do wrong? The fault can’t be hers only. Why did she have to lie about her age? Would you have married her if you knew her age? Would your love for her have been sufficient to cover the fact that she is older than you are?
Yes, she wronged you by keeping this important information away from you but divorce isn’t always the answer. If you are both unable to conceive since getting married four years ago, what efforts have you two made to find out medically what the matter is and what modern medicine can be of help to the one with the fault?
That you have impregnated someone before doesn’t mean you cannot suffer secondary infertility. One or two things may have happened in the past to affect your reproductive system. It is always wrong for anybody to assume that because certain things have happened in the past, one is okay medically. There is so much both of you can do together as a couple to help improve on the situation between the two of you. If you are both friends, she would be free to discuss her past with you and tell you whatever you have to know about her past love life. You are both in the dark about each other’s medical history because there is massive distrust on your parts. You have to learn to trust each other sufficiently to get to the root of this medical problem.
In addition, babies can only come when the home is happy. With the tension between the two of you, conception may be very difficult if not impossible.
If she is taking any medication, you should know about it. That she is taking it without your knowledge shows that there is no cohesion between both of you. The bitterness and disappointments of not having a child becloud your marriage so much so, you have forgotten the reason you both got married in the first place.
Marriage is more than having a child or children. If you are having difficulties having a child, don’t have difficulties being friends and companion to each other. This way, you make your marriage so strong and elastic to withstand any situation.
Honestly, this is the time for both of you to focus on building your marriage as well as the quality of your life. That you are unemployed doesn’t mean you cannot have a happy home, one in which your woman would willingly contribute her quota.
Some of the time, our partners react to the signals they are getting from us. If the message she is getting from you is that she is worthless in your life because she hasn’t been able to give you a child, there is no way you will ever get the best from her because of that inherent fear that she is a stranger in your home and life. Your brothers’ wives that have children are living in their seasons; when it is the season of your wife to be a mother, God will grant her prayers. Don’t compare; it is the worst thing you can do to your marriage.
If you are able to cross the hurdle of anger, a lot of things would work out fine.
Both of you have to seek the face of God together for your lives to be meaningful.
Good luck.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Before high bride price wrecks our wedding
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you very much for your response and advice to my 2009 letter. Since then, I have also been reading and guiding myself with those replies you give to other people on your column, thinking I might not really need to write to you on the same issue. Thank God I didn’t commit suicide while I was jobless and had nothing to feed on, as I hate begging.
I eventually got another job same month that I resumed school last year 2010 though not paying like the one lost, and I had to take care of the first session of my academic programme, suspending marriage plans. I couldn’t wait till I would recover fully financially, I still went ahead with my woman to her village to get details of her bride price and necessary marriage items to be presented. But this is costly for me, I told them I couldn’t afford it that they should reduce it but they said because I’m from a different tribe, that’s why I think it is outrageous. They insist it is part of their tradition and culture. Coming back to our base, this resulted in misunderstanding between my woman and I, because I don’t like starting what I know I can’t finish and she knows my present income as I spend money earned on the part time course, which is expensive.
I’m also trying to furnish my apartment and buy necessary things needed in the house, because if I don’t start now, it would be difficult later. Even some of my friends and family members invited my woman for a meeting so that she can talk to her people to reduce the bills but she said nothing could be done. This made me pause my marriage plans to face my studies fully.
After some months, she suggested a break-up, which I resisted because I was trying to see how I would raise some money, as I am expecting year 2011 to be favourable by God’s grace. Since I’m the determinant, knowing what I want, I told my family not to question her again over this, that I’ll look for money but I don’t want to be indebted too much. Even if I do, it should be what I can pay up after few months. So, I decided to see her family representative for the second time, telling him my stand: if they want us to proceed, we can still do something provided they also factor in my predicament and desire to conclude everything by the end of this year. He promised to relay my message to the rest of their family. It is after two months now they haven’t sent back a reply.
Sometimes, I nurse the thought of looking for an alternative woman in case this doesn’t work. I tried in my little way to make new friends or re-establishing a relationship with the few ladies I was interested in before I met her. But I always refrain myself from doing it in the last minute because this woman and I have been dating for several years.
I was in a dilemma when I met a lady of my tribe who’s ready for me, but I couldn’t talk seriously because of my current relationship. This is in addition to the fact that I don’t know her enough. I had to tell my woman to hasten up her family so that we can know the outcome of my request on time before I take another decision. So, I’m waiting for them. But deep down Agatha, I have the feelings that if I allow myself to get to know this new lady better, marrying her will be affordable for me because we’re even from the same state.
So, Agatha, what can you say to this thing happening to me?
S. Cool Man.
Dear Cool Man,
You have made all the attempts any man interested in marrying a woman should make. The ball is now in the court of this lady to make up her mind on whether she wants to marry you or not.
If she is really interested in marrying you, she should be able to moderate the decisions of her family to favour your situation. You have to make her realise that you cannot wait forever for her family members to make up their minds about you; that if they think you are incapable of looking after their daughter because of your current financial position, she should let you know.
There is no way she won’t know what her family thinks of you as well as why they are withholding their final blessings. If she had tried to mediate, pleaded with her parents to allow certain things go; they would have done something about the list.
But don’t lose hope yet. There is still something you can do to be sure of where the problem is really coming from. In addition to praying about your choice of a woman, do call her for a deep heart to heart discussion.
At this point, it is best to know where she stands on the whole issue. It is the right of her family to make whatever demands they want to, but her choice to go with them all the way or not. This is because, she is the one that would be most affected by the insistence of her family to collect everything on the list from you. Considering the number of years you have been together, she is the one that has to begin the search all over again.
A woman in love is often desperate and determined to have things her way. That your woman seems passive and willing to give her family all the freedom to determine how things are between the two of you is what is puzzling. For this simple reason, ensure you pray to be sure that what you want is what God also wants for both of you. If she is unwilling to intervene and appears ready to throw in the towel, don’t push it too much because God has a way of communicating His desires to His own. If God says she is yours, things would at the end of the day work out, but if she isn’t, there is little or nothing you can do to make her yours.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you very much for your response and advice to my 2009 letter. Since then, I have also been reading and guiding myself with those replies you give to other people on your column, thinking I might not really need to write to you on the same issue. Thank God I didn’t commit suicide while I was jobless and had nothing to feed on, as I hate begging.
I eventually got another job same month that I resumed school last year 2010 though not paying like the one lost, and I had to take care of the first session of my academic programme, suspending marriage plans. I couldn’t wait till I would recover fully financially, I still went ahead with my woman to her village to get details of her bride price and necessary marriage items to be presented. But this is costly for me, I told them I couldn’t afford it that they should reduce it but they said because I’m from a different tribe, that’s why I think it is outrageous. They insist it is part of their tradition and culture. Coming back to our base, this resulted in misunderstanding between my woman and I, because I don’t like starting what I know I can’t finish and she knows my present income as I spend money earned on the part time course, which is expensive.
I’m also trying to furnish my apartment and buy necessary things needed in the house, because if I don’t start now, it would be difficult later. Even some of my friends and family members invited my woman for a meeting so that she can talk to her people to reduce the bills but she said nothing could be done. This made me pause my marriage plans to face my studies fully.
After some months, she suggested a break-up, which I resisted because I was trying to see how I would raise some money, as I am expecting year 2011 to be favourable by God’s grace. Since I’m the determinant, knowing what I want, I told my family not to question her again over this, that I’ll look for money but I don’t want to be indebted too much. Even if I do, it should be what I can pay up after few months. So, I decided to see her family representative for the second time, telling him my stand: if they want us to proceed, we can still do something provided they also factor in my predicament and desire to conclude everything by the end of this year. He promised to relay my message to the rest of their family. It is after two months now they haven’t sent back a reply.
Sometimes, I nurse the thought of looking for an alternative woman in case this doesn’t work. I tried in my little way to make new friends or re-establishing a relationship with the few ladies I was interested in before I met her. But I always refrain myself from doing it in the last minute because this woman and I have been dating for several years.
I was in a dilemma when I met a lady of my tribe who’s ready for me, but I couldn’t talk seriously because of my current relationship. This is in addition to the fact that I don’t know her enough. I had to tell my woman to hasten up her family so that we can know the outcome of my request on time before I take another decision. So, I’m waiting for them. But deep down Agatha, I have the feelings that if I allow myself to get to know this new lady better, marrying her will be affordable for me because we’re even from the same state.
So, Agatha, what can you say to this thing happening to me?
S. Cool Man.
Dear Cool Man,
You have made all the attempts any man interested in marrying a woman should make. The ball is now in the court of this lady to make up her mind on whether she wants to marry you or not.
If she is really interested in marrying you, she should be able to moderate the decisions of her family to favour your situation. You have to make her realise that you cannot wait forever for her family members to make up their minds about you; that if they think you are incapable of looking after their daughter because of your current financial position, she should let you know.
There is no way she won’t know what her family thinks of you as well as why they are withholding their final blessings. If she had tried to mediate, pleaded with her parents to allow certain things go; they would have done something about the list.
But don’t lose hope yet. There is still something you can do to be sure of where the problem is really coming from. In addition to praying about your choice of a woman, do call her for a deep heart to heart discussion.
At this point, it is best to know where she stands on the whole issue. It is the right of her family to make whatever demands they want to, but her choice to go with them all the way or not. This is because, she is the one that would be most affected by the insistence of her family to collect everything on the list from you. Considering the number of years you have been together, she is the one that has to begin the search all over again.
A woman in love is often desperate and determined to have things her way. That your woman seems passive and willing to give her family all the freedom to determine how things are between the two of you is what is puzzling. For this simple reason, ensure you pray to be sure that what you want is what God also wants for both of you. If she is unwilling to intervene and appears ready to throw in the towel, don’t push it too much because God has a way of communicating His desires to His own. If God says she is yours, things would at the end of the day work out, but if she isn’t, there is little or nothing you can do to make her yours.
Good luck.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
He’s caring, loving but his religion…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your column, which I have found to be very interesting and educative. I am a 31-year-old single mother of one and into a four-year-old relationship with a man who is of a different religion. He has been very caring and loving to me ever since we met after my heartbroken relationship but has no plans whatsoever to marry me.
He has always been opposed to my plans to breakup our affair to enable me build up a serious marriage relationship with other men. Whenever I think of how he sponsored me through my professional studies and other needs it makes me feel sorry for him and deeply attached to him too. I love him so much that I would have only wished we will settle down together as he has all the qualities that a woman needs in a man.
I am a born Christian and can’t convert to Islam, but he loves and care for my son so much that I wish he would be his second father legally. Right now I can’t date any other man because I am not used to double dating and very honest and faithful to my love.
Please I need your advice, help, as I am totally confused. The worst part of it is that he is my colleague and each time I see him my love for him increases. I am so confused.
Ajadou.
Dear Ajadou,
I really understand the confusion deep in your heart. But this man has told you there can’t be a future between the two of you. He may be in love with you, care about you and your son, but has made it very clear that these are all he can offer you – his best for you and your son.
The choice is yours to make. He can’t make you stay if you don’t want to stay. You are still in this relationship because you want to for obvious reasons. It can be very difficult to let a good man such as you have described him go but you have to make the painful choice of continuing with him as his mistress or starting with another man you know can provide you with that thing every woman wants – marriage.
A time would come when this will no longer be enough for you, when you would want all of him, especially on those cold and unfriendly nights or days when only the warmth of a man can dispel all the ugliness of the mood.
It would come to a time too when your son would want more than the quality of attention he is getting from him.
You really have to make up your mind on what you really want because each day you wait depreciates your age. Best to strike when the iron is still very hot because as the days go by, you increasingly make it difficult for you and your son to get a single man who would be willing take on the challenge of being father to another man’s child. Not many young men are ready for that kind of responsibility.
If you make up your mind today to end the relationship, he lacks the authority to stop you. He can only plead with you to stay on but since he has told you he isn’t ready to marry you or you for that matter on account of your religious differences, he would have to let go.
At this point, you must really tell yourself the truth behind your excuses. Is it that he doesn’t want you to really go or that you are afraid you won’t be able to survive without the financial support you are getting from him? Only the can help you at this junction of decision.
It is either you are really afraid of losing the extra income that come from his end or deep down you really care enough to renounce your religion and pursue a lifetime partnership with him.
Whatever your reasons are, be sure you are telling yourself the truth, if you love him enough to discard your religion, let him know that you are willing to stay on whatever his conditions may be. If this is your reason, make sure you have the capacity to endure the loneliness that comes from being a mistress to another woman’s husband.
Even though you didn’t mention whether he is married or not, another woman would definitely be in his life. Be sure you understand the condition of not interfering with his marriage or relationship. Appreciate also that he may not always be available when there is an emergency that requires the strength and presence of a male in your life.
Just be sure you will be contented with the kind of life this man offers you.
However, there is nothing as dignifying as finding your own feet. You have to learn to depend on yourself because a time would come when his affection may shift from you entirely. A man who isn’t ready to marry you won’t ever accept pregnancy from you. He will never encourage you to have a child for him. What do you think would happen to this relationship if you get pregnant by accident? Do you think he would be there for you? Chances are he may not be.
The earlier you took the decision to weather the storm of your life alone the better for you.
Trust me, if this man is destined to play more than his current role in your life, it won’t matter a bit if you are still dating or not. He would always be there to help you; you both will always be friends.
Once you get your perspective to life right, you would know what to do about your current situation.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your column, which I have found to be very interesting and educative. I am a 31-year-old single mother of one and into a four-year-old relationship with a man who is of a different religion. He has been very caring and loving to me ever since we met after my heartbroken relationship but has no plans whatsoever to marry me.
He has always been opposed to my plans to breakup our affair to enable me build up a serious marriage relationship with other men. Whenever I think of how he sponsored me through my professional studies and other needs it makes me feel sorry for him and deeply attached to him too. I love him so much that I would have only wished we will settle down together as he has all the qualities that a woman needs in a man.
I am a born Christian and can’t convert to Islam, but he loves and care for my son so much that I wish he would be his second father legally. Right now I can’t date any other man because I am not used to double dating and very honest and faithful to my love.
Please I need your advice, help, as I am totally confused. The worst part of it is that he is my colleague and each time I see him my love for him increases. I am so confused.
Ajadou.
Dear Ajadou,
I really understand the confusion deep in your heart. But this man has told you there can’t be a future between the two of you. He may be in love with you, care about you and your son, but has made it very clear that these are all he can offer you – his best for you and your son.
The choice is yours to make. He can’t make you stay if you don’t want to stay. You are still in this relationship because you want to for obvious reasons. It can be very difficult to let a good man such as you have described him go but you have to make the painful choice of continuing with him as his mistress or starting with another man you know can provide you with that thing every woman wants – marriage.
A time would come when this will no longer be enough for you, when you would want all of him, especially on those cold and unfriendly nights or days when only the warmth of a man can dispel all the ugliness of the mood.
It would come to a time too when your son would want more than the quality of attention he is getting from him.
You really have to make up your mind on what you really want because each day you wait depreciates your age. Best to strike when the iron is still very hot because as the days go by, you increasingly make it difficult for you and your son to get a single man who would be willing take on the challenge of being father to another man’s child. Not many young men are ready for that kind of responsibility.
If you make up your mind today to end the relationship, he lacks the authority to stop you. He can only plead with you to stay on but since he has told you he isn’t ready to marry you or you for that matter on account of your religious differences, he would have to let go.
At this point, you must really tell yourself the truth behind your excuses. Is it that he doesn’t want you to really go or that you are afraid you won’t be able to survive without the financial support you are getting from him? Only the can help you at this junction of decision.
It is either you are really afraid of losing the extra income that come from his end or deep down you really care enough to renounce your religion and pursue a lifetime partnership with him.
Whatever your reasons are, be sure you are telling yourself the truth, if you love him enough to discard your religion, let him know that you are willing to stay on whatever his conditions may be. If this is your reason, make sure you have the capacity to endure the loneliness that comes from being a mistress to another woman’s husband.
Even though you didn’t mention whether he is married or not, another woman would definitely be in his life. Be sure you understand the condition of not interfering with his marriage or relationship. Appreciate also that he may not always be available when there is an emergency that requires the strength and presence of a male in your life.
Just be sure you will be contented with the kind of life this man offers you.
However, there is nothing as dignifying as finding your own feet. You have to learn to depend on yourself because a time would come when his affection may shift from you entirely. A man who isn’t ready to marry you won’t ever accept pregnancy from you. He will never encourage you to have a child for him. What do you think would happen to this relationship if you get pregnant by accident? Do you think he would be there for you? Chances are he may not be.
The earlier you took the decision to weather the storm of your life alone the better for you.
Trust me, if this man is destined to play more than his current role in your life, it won’t matter a bit if you are still dating or not. He would always be there to help you; you both will always be friends.
Once you get your perspective to life right, you would know what to do about your current situation.
Good luck.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Can oral pill insure our sex life till we wed?
With Auntie Agatha email:gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 09054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for everything you have done for those who run to you with their problems. I am an avid reader of your column. I think now is the time for me to share my own problem, so that I will also benefit from you.
There is this girl I love so much. She is in fact my soul mate. I have never stopped thanking God for making us to know each other. Before I met her, I dated other girls. I have never had the type of love and friendship I have with her with another woman.
She is not just my girlfriend, but also my best friend. She has repeatedly demonstrated her love for me. I have never had reasons to doubt her except once. She told me she was going to study with a classmate of hers. When I rang her that night, she didn’t want to speak loudly, and there was a male voice at the background. She walked away from the voice and went into what I believe was the kitchen of the house and spoke with me from there. Anyway, I didn’t question her then, but I did when she came back. I noticed that she was different when I wanted to make love to her. She seemed afraid and a bit frigid, completely different from the woman who left me to study. My mind still goes back to that incident. I feel she cheated on me that day. Agatha, do you think she cheated on me that day? Moreover, the voice I heard sounded like the voice of a man I know who has never hidden his interest in having her. She later told me that the male voice I heard was the voice of her friend’s boyfriend with whom she told me she was going to study with.
My main concern at the moment is that because of the circumstances of our life, we are not yet ready for marriage. We even live in different countries. But our relationship is still perfect. However, we are often afraid that she may get pregnant. She is too fertile. She sees her period every 24 days. She ovulates less than 10 days after her period. I am always willing to use a condom, but she doesn’t like it. She prefers it without condom. Yet she doesn’t want to go for any artificial birth control method. She says she doesn’t need it since we don’t live in the same country and only have sex whenever we meet.
I am worried that she may get pregnant when we are not ready, and that will throw our plans into jeopardy. She says she is willing to take only the oral pill whenever we have sex, and for that day only. I have told her repeatedly that the oral pill is supposed to be taken daily, and will not work if taken only when one have sex.
Agatha is there any suggestion you have for me. I do not want to get her pregnant because I love her and know that an unplanned pregnancy will destroy the plan she has for her life at the moment.
I know that as a man my life will go on regardless of her pregnancy. It would only mean financial responsibility for me, which I am very capable of at the moment.
I love her so much and want her life to go smoothly, according to her plans for herself. Is there any birth control method that you know is save and efficient, which we can use whenever we are together, that will not need long term planning?
T.
Dear T.,
Since you didn’t question her then about the other man, nothing you do or say would reveal the truth or identity of the voice of the man you heard. Even if you ask her friend, she is most likely to queue behind her friend.
Had you taken the matter up when she got back home and noticed a difference in her attitude when you attempted to make love to her, the truth would have come out then. Time has made the issue cold and given her room to marshal her point.
It would be useless and unnecessary distraction to your relationship if you bring it up now. Frankly, it isn’t worth it since you appear to have forgiven her and moved on from that spot. If true she is into something with this man or another man, you definitely will get your chance of questioning her one-day. This kind of game doesn’t last forever. The truth would eventually come through.
As for her insistence not to go on birth control pills, she must have her reasons as well as the knowledge of her body to avoid pregnancy. I cannot recommend anything because I don’t know her history. What works for one woman may not work as efficiently for another woman, hence cases of failed birth control methods. She has to see a medical expert on the matter.
Besides, she doesn’t have to go on pills. She could use female condoms or internally fixed birth control methods, like coils to prevent pregnancy. Encourage her when both of you are together to visit the nearest family planning clinic nearest you to discuss all the alternatives you have.
There is also the choice of injections too. Birth control methods have gone beyond oral; it is simply a matter of what she wants.
However, it goes beyond you wanting her to be on birth control. It is more of an agreement thing, both of you discussing your future plans. Help her understand that your concern is more for her future than yours; that you want her to be happy and to reach her goals in life.
That as a man, your life would continue whether she is pregnant or not but the same cannot be said of her since she has the responsibility of carrying the baby inside her as well as caring for the baby until the child attains the age of being entrusted to the care of other persons.
Let her also know, you will never support an abortion hence her need to depend on some forms of birth control if both of you are going to be intimate when together.
She could be adamant because you never bothered to explain in details to her your fears. She may think your insistence on her using birth control pills is because you don’t love her enough, hence trying to avoid responsibilities that might come from her getting pregnant.
Except you take the pains to really explain your real fears to her, you might not really get the desired cooperation from her.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for everything you have done for those who run to you with their problems. I am an avid reader of your column. I think now is the time for me to share my own problem, so that I will also benefit from you.
There is this girl I love so much. She is in fact my soul mate. I have never stopped thanking God for making us to know each other. Before I met her, I dated other girls. I have never had the type of love and friendship I have with her with another woman.
She is not just my girlfriend, but also my best friend. She has repeatedly demonstrated her love for me. I have never had reasons to doubt her except once. She told me she was going to study with a classmate of hers. When I rang her that night, she didn’t want to speak loudly, and there was a male voice at the background. She walked away from the voice and went into what I believe was the kitchen of the house and spoke with me from there. Anyway, I didn’t question her then, but I did when she came back. I noticed that she was different when I wanted to make love to her. She seemed afraid and a bit frigid, completely different from the woman who left me to study. My mind still goes back to that incident. I feel she cheated on me that day. Agatha, do you think she cheated on me that day? Moreover, the voice I heard sounded like the voice of a man I know who has never hidden his interest in having her. She later told me that the male voice I heard was the voice of her friend’s boyfriend with whom she told me she was going to study with.
My main concern at the moment is that because of the circumstances of our life, we are not yet ready for marriage. We even live in different countries. But our relationship is still perfect. However, we are often afraid that she may get pregnant. She is too fertile. She sees her period every 24 days. She ovulates less than 10 days after her period. I am always willing to use a condom, but she doesn’t like it. She prefers it without condom. Yet she doesn’t want to go for any artificial birth control method. She says she doesn’t need it since we don’t live in the same country and only have sex whenever we meet.
I am worried that she may get pregnant when we are not ready, and that will throw our plans into jeopardy. She says she is willing to take only the oral pill whenever we have sex, and for that day only. I have told her repeatedly that the oral pill is supposed to be taken daily, and will not work if taken only when one have sex.
Agatha is there any suggestion you have for me. I do not want to get her pregnant because I love her and know that an unplanned pregnancy will destroy the plan she has for her life at the moment.
I know that as a man my life will go on regardless of her pregnancy. It would only mean financial responsibility for me, which I am very capable of at the moment.
I love her so much and want her life to go smoothly, according to her plans for herself. Is there any birth control method that you know is save and efficient, which we can use whenever we are together, that will not need long term planning?
T.
Dear T.,
Since you didn’t question her then about the other man, nothing you do or say would reveal the truth or identity of the voice of the man you heard. Even if you ask her friend, she is most likely to queue behind her friend.
Had you taken the matter up when she got back home and noticed a difference in her attitude when you attempted to make love to her, the truth would have come out then. Time has made the issue cold and given her room to marshal her point.
It would be useless and unnecessary distraction to your relationship if you bring it up now. Frankly, it isn’t worth it since you appear to have forgiven her and moved on from that spot. If true she is into something with this man or another man, you definitely will get your chance of questioning her one-day. This kind of game doesn’t last forever. The truth would eventually come through.
As for her insistence not to go on birth control pills, she must have her reasons as well as the knowledge of her body to avoid pregnancy. I cannot recommend anything because I don’t know her history. What works for one woman may not work as efficiently for another woman, hence cases of failed birth control methods. She has to see a medical expert on the matter.
Besides, she doesn’t have to go on pills. She could use female condoms or internally fixed birth control methods, like coils to prevent pregnancy. Encourage her when both of you are together to visit the nearest family planning clinic nearest you to discuss all the alternatives you have.
There is also the choice of injections too. Birth control methods have gone beyond oral; it is simply a matter of what she wants.
However, it goes beyond you wanting her to be on birth control. It is more of an agreement thing, both of you discussing your future plans. Help her understand that your concern is more for her future than yours; that you want her to be happy and to reach her goals in life.
That as a man, your life would continue whether she is pregnant or not but the same cannot be said of her since she has the responsibility of carrying the baby inside her as well as caring for the baby until the child attains the age of being entrusted to the care of other persons.
Let her also know, you will never support an abortion hence her need to depend on some forms of birth control if both of you are going to be intimate when together.
She could be adamant because you never bothered to explain in details to her your fears. She may think your insistence on her using birth control pills is because you don’t love her enough, hence trying to avoid responsibilities that might come from her getting pregnant.
Except you take the pains to really explain your real fears to her, you might not really get the desired cooperation from her.
Good luck.
Now she pays me casual visit
With Auntie Agatha, email: gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel;08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a girlfriend that took me more than six months to get even though we have been friends before my new interest. As friends, we spent time watching films, chatting, discussing issues together, but all of a sudden her character changed. She no longer visited me the way she used to.
These days, she only comes to my place around 9:30p.m, when returning from her friend’s place and hardly spends five minutes in my place before taking her leave. I think she has gotten someone else and no interested in me.
Chuba
Dear Chuba,
Confront her if you think she is dating someone else, but be careful you don’t have the wrong end of the stick. Chances are if you were wrong you would be destroying the relationship with mistrust even before it has the time to mature.
Even though friendship is a major perquisite, it is always hard for two friends to transit smoothly into a relationship. It is easier for two strangers to develop their relationship into friendship than for two friends to develop their relationship.
This is because things they previously took for granted, as friends would have to change, to avoid hurting each other. For instance, the woman would have to learn to give more respect to the man; no longer would the use of certain words be appropriate or certain associations be permitted.
Such things are usually not planned but just happen if the relationship is to stand the text of time.
She may have noticed that the status of your relationship has brought on a new attitude in you. Most times these changes are not planned for but just happen because the society demands a certain code of behaviour from two people who are dating. The society often than not forces upon couples clear definition of what is expected of each of the genders in the relationship.
If you are sincere, there are certain things you may not be willing to tolerate from her as the man in her life.
Like every relationship she has to situate it properly to get the best from it. She is now learning to know you in a way she has never known you. Before now, she knew you as a friend but the change in your friendship status demands she knows you as the man.
In addition her unease may come from the privilege your change in status gives to you. Whereas as a friend, you could not attempt to touch her body or try to kiss her, as a boyfriend, you now have the freedom to attempt some level of intimacy she may not be favourably disposed to with her.
She simply cannot trust you to act responsibly anymore.
The onus is on you to assure her that irrespective of your feelings for her, she can still count on you to respect her wish to be left alone. Once she gains the assurance that she is save with you, she would become more relaxed with you as before. You just have to show her that she is more save with you than ever before.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a girlfriend that took me more than six months to get even though we have been friends before my new interest. As friends, we spent time watching films, chatting, discussing issues together, but all of a sudden her character changed. She no longer visited me the way she used to.
These days, she only comes to my place around 9:30p.m, when returning from her friend’s place and hardly spends five minutes in my place before taking her leave. I think she has gotten someone else and no interested in me.
Chuba
Dear Chuba,
Confront her if you think she is dating someone else, but be careful you don’t have the wrong end of the stick. Chances are if you were wrong you would be destroying the relationship with mistrust even before it has the time to mature.
Even though friendship is a major perquisite, it is always hard for two friends to transit smoothly into a relationship. It is easier for two strangers to develop their relationship into friendship than for two friends to develop their relationship.
This is because things they previously took for granted, as friends would have to change, to avoid hurting each other. For instance, the woman would have to learn to give more respect to the man; no longer would the use of certain words be appropriate or certain associations be permitted.
Such things are usually not planned but just happen if the relationship is to stand the text of time.
She may have noticed that the status of your relationship has brought on a new attitude in you. Most times these changes are not planned for but just happen because the society demands a certain code of behaviour from two people who are dating. The society often than not forces upon couples clear definition of what is expected of each of the genders in the relationship.
If you are sincere, there are certain things you may not be willing to tolerate from her as the man in her life.
Like every relationship she has to situate it properly to get the best from it. She is now learning to know you in a way she has never known you. Before now, she knew you as a friend but the change in your friendship status demands she knows you as the man.
In addition her unease may come from the privilege your change in status gives to you. Whereas as a friend, you could not attempt to touch her body or try to kiss her, as a boyfriend, you now have the freedom to attempt some level of intimacy she may not be favourably disposed to with her.
She simply cannot trust you to act responsibly anymore.
The onus is on you to assure her that irrespective of your feelings for her, she can still count on you to respect her wish to be left alone. Once she gains the assurance that she is save with you, she would become more relaxed with you as before. You just have to show her that she is more save with you than ever before.
Good luck.
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