Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a serious challenge with my relationship that has lasted for almost six years now. I started this relationship when I was running my Higher National Diploma programme in 2005. I love and trust her too much because of her understanding. During this period we shared so much love and promised not to cheat on each other.
However, I started noticing changes when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I was posted to a village where there was no network. I have to travel every week to a nearby town to call her. At times she would answer her calls and at other times, she would simply ignore them. Severally I have to make the journey the following day to get her. She would always give the excuse of being in class at the time I called. I didn’t think anything was wrong until I finished serving when she introduced her course mate to me. The lady lives with her younger brother in the same room.
She told me the boy is a pastor and I became friends with all of them.
Since I was around, it was easy for me to visit her regularly. There was this day I was trying to get her on the phone, and it kept ringing. When she didn’t answer it, I decided to visit her. I was surprised to see my girlfriend with her friend’s younger brother indoors alone.
I left without confronting her. She called later to apologise and assure me that nothing is going on between them. I wasn’t convinced so I decided to investigate by asking questions from people around her. It was then I discovered that the boy at times sleeps overnight in her room. Armed with this information, I asked her again to explain the nature of relationship between her and this boy. She again denied anything between them.
When I now confronted her with the information I have, she eventually agreed that she has something going with the guy.
She broke down begging for my forgiveness. I was prevailed upon to forgive her since she has admitted her mistake. Though it was difficult because I have been so loyal to her but I eventually agreed to let go of the memories and we became as good as new.
Although she promised to be good when she left for her NYSC programme, I noticed changes in her attitude again when a guy who worked in one of the constructions companies rented a place beside their command. I got calls that my woman would stay late in the guy’s place, cooking his food and washing his clothes. When I called to demand explanations, she assured me he was just a friend.
When I called to demand for the guy’s number, she gave me a number that didn’t go through.
When she came back from her service, I formally gave her an engagement ring. After this she told me she was going back to the north that her school said they should be with them for some time while they pay them a stipend every month. I tried to stop her but she insisted, as it was better than nothing.
I could not reach her for four days last week so had to go through her only friend I know. It was this friend who told me she was living at the boy’s house. I was told that the boy left everything for her when he was leaving town.
Again I confronted her when I finally got her on the phone. She said she was afraid to tell me where she was staying since I would jump to the conclusions that she and the boy were dating.
She promised to come home to explain things to me. Last week she called me to inform me of her mother’s intention to see me coupled with her desires for us to commence marriage plans.
I really want you to tell me what to do, as it is now I sent her a text that I have quit the relationship, but she will not let me be. Do you think I should allow her into my house after all these pains and hurts she has caused me?
Do you think I should go on with this relationship? If I must be sincere with you, I love this girl so much that I cannot do anything as I am talking to you now. My body and mind is so heavy that I can’t imagine what is happening to me.
I have done enough to see that she gets a job, all advert that suit her credentials I do not hesitate to apply for her. I even ask her to scan her credential for me, but she hasn’t done it till date.
Emmanuel.
Dear Emmanuel,
The most important ingredient in marriage is love. The fact that you love her in spite of all that she has done to you shows that you have the strength to pull your relationship through from this pit of temptation.
It is always so hard for the faithful partner to understand why the other partner is putting the relationship through needless pains. From where you stand, you can’t understand why she keeps drifting to other men when you have given her everything, done everything for her and shown her how much you care.
Sincerely, it is always so hard to comprehend why anyone would choose to hurt his or her partner by dating others. Honestly, it would require more than love to go ahead with her. It would demand absolute friendship for you to continue with her.
You will also require a lot of deep thinking. You must answer the question of your ability to cope with her, especially on those occasions when you have to travel out of your location, consider the issue of trust as well as the peace of mind to keep your marriage happy.
If you are the extremely jealous type, do you see yourself allowing her to work after your marriage? Do you have the confidence in her that she would eventually change to be the kind of woman you want and love? Is your heart large enough to forgive her anything? What would be your limit, that which you cannot forgive should it happen?
Granted that even the best of us can misbehave in certain situations since life itself doesn’t offer guarantees, but knowing the nature of the woman you are about to wed makes it important for you to prepare yourself psychologically as well mentally. It would be unfortunate if you at the end start expressing regrets at whatever actions you take because unlike others you can’t plead ignorance.
If you love her enough to marry her, then you must be prepared to make huge sacrifices for the sustenance of this relationship, at least, until it stabilises.
From your experiences with this woman, distance is her problem. She finds it difficult to remain faithful when you are away from each other. From your letter all the times she has been unfaithful are the times you lived apart.
Therefore, one of the hurdles is to ensure you both do not have reasons to stay away from each other for long. If you must travel for a long time, you must be prepared to either take her along if you can or ensure you exchange visits regularly.
Also, you must be prepared to table the matter of her unfaithfulness with her. The time has come for you to ask very direct questions concerning your relationship as well as her current thoughts about your person. The fact that she has done it twice points at something wrong in your relationship. Refuse to be stampeded into marriage until you know why she is always flirting with other men. You must know what she finds uncomfortable about you and the relationship. It is only then you would know what kinds of solutions to work out.
Before anything else, demand to see her to enable both of you to dialogue as a couple before going to see her mother. You have to be certain of what you are going into while she has to be sure, she still feels the same way about you as she did when you both started. She may think you are right for her now but what about later? If you are sufficient for her, why is she always straying? Insist there is no way you can go to see her mother with you having all these doubts about her fidelity to you.
Because you love her so much, there is the tendency of you once you go to see her mother first sweeping the important issues of your relationship under the carpet. Any dirt swept under the carpet often becomes huge problem later in life. Don’t be afraid to face your future with all the determination it needs.
One thing is to be in love another thing is to ensure the person one is in love with would bring peace and rest of mind into one’s life. It isn’t the now that is important but the tomorrows.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I hate marriage with passion
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How does one solve this problem? I hate marriage. I was married once, but now divorced. Even before that marriage, I hated marriage. I can’t stop wondering why people are dying to get married in the first place. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go out of my way to advise people otherwise. But what is wrong with being single? I am fed up with marriage suggestions from friends and family members. How do I tell them that I sincerely hate marriage? Please no preaching or reference to Bible. I am 45 and well educated and read. Bobo.
Dear Bobo,
Sincerely, there is nothing wrong in being single as long as one can cope with the loneliness as the years roll by. The choice to marry or not is an individual thing. It is your life and you know what suits you the most. Friends and family members who appear to be intruding on your privacy by their marriage advocacy are only concerned about you, because a time would come when you would no longer be as active as you are and will be in need of someone to help you carry on when the days are dark, grey and the shadows of loneliness amplified. This is the essence people get married, to have someone to talk to, to be one’s eyes and hands when ill health comes, when the bones are too weary to obey simple commands, someone of your own who unlike paid helps would show personal commitment to the issue of one’s welfare. However, this is not to dismiss your feelings. Obviously something must have happened in your past, could be an incident right back to your very tender years which you may have forgotten but has deeply affected your psychology concerning one of life’s natural processes. Whatever your experiences are, you need to understand that life isn’t always what it seems. There is always a flipside to an issue. Today, you are still young, strong and able to do everything you wish but remember that age withers and that no amount of money can ameliorate happiness and peace that come from knowing come what may that there is someone to pick up one’s pieces. This has nothing to do with sex as many erroneously believe, as the age piles up, marriage gradually shifts from physical benefits to companionship and friendship. These are what give warmth to the soul and spirit. This is the reason people marry. If it is just for the sexual intimacy, this can be gotten almost free in the open market. The human being is wired to share his or her space at maturity. It isn’t just what the society expects but what God programmed us to be. Marriage also provides a very good platform for training. No matter what your field of specialty is as a man, if not exposed to the dynamism of the female specie full time, such a man would never be considered for certain managerial positions. Any man who hasn’t been able to manage a woman full time isn’t always though good enough to handle some sensitive positions. This is because a man who can live with a woman, tolerate the human being God created her to be, can almost put up whatever challenges he comes across in his official assignment. A woman is the greatest challenge and puzzle for any man to manage and resolve. Marriage isn’t just another institution but one that schools and prepares the man for greater challenges in life. This is another reason a lot of men, who ordinarily wouldn’t have dared or wanted it are today in it. Its fringe benefits are such that it cannot be quantified. As a man you aren’t built for certain chores. Even if you find cooking fun, house cleaning easy, these are the natural domains of a woman. Try to imagine yourself at 70 on the day your paid staff goes on holiday and the lady in your life refuses to play nurse maid, you feel like eating a particular dish and have nobody to cook it for you? Granted if you have reservations about marriage given the attitudes of some women to marriage but the fact remains in years to come you would come to realise that life is a stage and every stage adds its value to whomever we end up being. Like I said, it is your ultimate choice. You are too old man to be forced into a situation you don’t want in your life. Let your friends and family know that you are one of those persons who cannot withstand for too long people sharing their space. You are not alone. There are people who indeed are not comfortable with marriage. But learn to have an opened mind about it. You may be surprised to find out how much you have been missing when you find the right person. The problem might be that you haven’t found the right woman. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How does one solve this problem? I hate marriage. I was married once, but now divorced. Even before that marriage, I hated marriage. I can’t stop wondering why people are dying to get married in the first place. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go out of my way to advise people otherwise. But what is wrong with being single? I am fed up with marriage suggestions from friends and family members. How do I tell them that I sincerely hate marriage? Please no preaching or reference to Bible. I am 45 and well educated and read. Bobo.
Dear Bobo,
Sincerely, there is nothing wrong in being single as long as one can cope with the loneliness as the years roll by. The choice to marry or not is an individual thing. It is your life and you know what suits you the most. Friends and family members who appear to be intruding on your privacy by their marriage advocacy are only concerned about you, because a time would come when you would no longer be as active as you are and will be in need of someone to help you carry on when the days are dark, grey and the shadows of loneliness amplified. This is the essence people get married, to have someone to talk to, to be one’s eyes and hands when ill health comes, when the bones are too weary to obey simple commands, someone of your own who unlike paid helps would show personal commitment to the issue of one’s welfare. However, this is not to dismiss your feelings. Obviously something must have happened in your past, could be an incident right back to your very tender years which you may have forgotten but has deeply affected your psychology concerning one of life’s natural processes. Whatever your experiences are, you need to understand that life isn’t always what it seems. There is always a flipside to an issue. Today, you are still young, strong and able to do everything you wish but remember that age withers and that no amount of money can ameliorate happiness and peace that come from knowing come what may that there is someone to pick up one’s pieces. This has nothing to do with sex as many erroneously believe, as the age piles up, marriage gradually shifts from physical benefits to companionship and friendship. These are what give warmth to the soul and spirit. This is the reason people marry. If it is just for the sexual intimacy, this can be gotten almost free in the open market. The human being is wired to share his or her space at maturity. It isn’t just what the society expects but what God programmed us to be. Marriage also provides a very good platform for training. No matter what your field of specialty is as a man, if not exposed to the dynamism of the female specie full time, such a man would never be considered for certain managerial positions. Any man who hasn’t been able to manage a woman full time isn’t always though good enough to handle some sensitive positions. This is because a man who can live with a woman, tolerate the human being God created her to be, can almost put up whatever challenges he comes across in his official assignment. A woman is the greatest challenge and puzzle for any man to manage and resolve. Marriage isn’t just another institution but one that schools and prepares the man for greater challenges in life. This is another reason a lot of men, who ordinarily wouldn’t have dared or wanted it are today in it. Its fringe benefits are such that it cannot be quantified. As a man you aren’t built for certain chores. Even if you find cooking fun, house cleaning easy, these are the natural domains of a woman. Try to imagine yourself at 70 on the day your paid staff goes on holiday and the lady in your life refuses to play nurse maid, you feel like eating a particular dish and have nobody to cook it for you? Granted if you have reservations about marriage given the attitudes of some women to marriage but the fact remains in years to come you would come to realise that life is a stage and every stage adds its value to whomever we end up being. Like I said, it is your ultimate choice. You are too old man to be forced into a situation you don’t want in your life. Let your friends and family know that you are one of those persons who cannot withstand for too long people sharing their space. You are not alone. There are people who indeed are not comfortable with marriage. But learn to have an opened mind about it. You may be surprised to find out how much you have been missing when you find the right person. The problem might be that you haven’t found the right woman. Good luck.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
His rash habit got us separated…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com,agatha.edo@gmail.comTel:08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to praise you for the guidance and direction you have been given to so many women. I always marvel at how you can offer solutions to marital problems that seemed gone too bad beyond repair. May God continue to bless you with wisdom and courage to speak the truth.
I have a burden that needs an objective view from someone who doesn’t know me.
My marriage has been so rocky from the start. We had a short courtship and had to get married quickly because I got pregnant. I tried to make the best of the union by supporting my husband in every way, showing him love and respect. Unfortunately, I lost out in the gamble of marriage, as I never really knew whom I married. It was less than a month after we married before my husband confessed that he was not a graduate and had no paper qualifications. I was shocked and never really got over the deception. I tried to find other ways he could play his role as a man by starting a business for him. Again, he seemed unable to discipline himself to focus on the business. A lot of money would be diverted into drinking, smoking marijuana, partying, and what have you. I had to become the person providing funds for the running of the home.
I was too ashamed to confide in my family members because they never supported the marriage. I tried to make the best of it by focusing on his good qualities. He helps around the house because he is not working and looks after our baby girl, unlike many Nigerian men. What destroyed our relationship aside from his lifestyle was his penchant for cheating. It’s shocking that some of the women are old and married. I later found out that he dates old women, prostitutes and every other girl in the neighbourhood.
When confronted him with evidences, he denies and practically lies about everything in life. Despite my attempts to ignore his excesses he shows no sign of guilt and the affairs are getting worse. So many times, I have had to confront him over text messages and phone calls from these women who call at very odd hours. One of the old women even has a pet name for him. Whenever I confront him, we end up quarrelling and he would disappear for a day or two. Often he comes back home drunk and very high.
If I keep quiet, he pretends all is well while he continues to lie to my face. He has added beating to my problems with him. My family got to know what was really going on in my home. They intervened and removed me from the house and we are now living apart. I am taking care of my daughter without any help from him.
Well, since I left I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my chest. My self-esteem has grown. Financially, I am more buoyant and can keep money aside from fending for my daughter. Now, I have other men showing interest in me and I realised I settled for less when I married him. I have not been in contact with him and though he sends people to beg me, my mind is made up. He claims that he has repented and he is a new man but I don’t believe men change, except with the help of God. He also sends threatening text messages. The final step is to formally go our separate ways, but I keep on having this little thought in the midnight that I should listen to him and try to mend fences, for the sake of our child, and I should also get his life on track. But then, I can’t go back to his house because of the beatings and his bad lifestyle. I also don’t know if he is ready to change. I’m really confused and don’t know if I should leave the marriage completely?
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
In the first place, there is no marriage without problems. Every marriage comes with its cross and lists of don’ts and dos. Like life, marriage is complex and very slippery. It is also very fragile, requiring tenderness to hold it together. If too much pressure is applied it would break into billions of irredeemable pieces; and if less pressure is applied it would demobilise it as well. The solution is usually in the way the individuals in it respond to issues.
It requires a lot of wisdom, tolerance, sacrifices and understanding to blend two strangers into one. This is never done, it takes forever for two people to really become one.
When issues become this complex, the only way out is to face reality with all the honesty it deserves. Doubtless given all you have said about your husband, you have every right to be angry, disillusioned and weary of the marriage. But is he really the only one to be blamed for what your marriage became?
No matter how short the courtship was, if you were well focused and knew what you actually wanted, you would have noticed that he is hooked on marijuana. This is one habit addicts cannot conceal at all. You also would have noticed from the looks other women were giving you; that he has more than passing interest in these women. There is no way a true Casanova can hide his nature even if it is for one day. Also you must have noticed that he wasn’t involved in anything from the time he spent with you or had to toy around with.
Even if a man is unemployed, you can always tell the serious ones from the unserious ones from the struggles they put into their lives.
Your fault is being unable to read and decode the message accurately. You were perhaps too blinded by what you wanted; the sex and fun than what was happening around you. Had you applied your attention to studying a little you would have discovered just enough to know what to expect from marriage to him. Your family saw through him, hence their objection to your marrying him.
It is also obvious that your marriage to him wasn’t planned. You got married to him because you were pregnant and not because you both planned it. One thing is to plan a marriage with someone you really love; another is to marry out of circumstances.
However having said all these and discovered who he really is, do you think you can ever come to love him the way you should love your husband? Do you think you have what it takes to endure the challenges of being married to him? Will you ever have the patience and understanding required to continue to give him selfless support?
Also do you think you can endure sharing him with all the other women in his life? Can you completely forgive all he has done as well as yourself for this mistake your marriage appears to be?
Sincerely, you are at the juncture of telling yourself some basic truths. This time, you don’t have the excuse of not knowing what you are going in to will give; you must make the decision with all clarity of mind knowing you won’t have any reason not to make it work this time around.
Men would always come but that should not be your immediate concern now. You would be unfair to yourself and your child if you don’t first mob up the attendant mess your marriage has thrown up before going into another serious relationship with another man. The worst mistake of your life would be to look back on this moment and wish you didn’t make a hasty decision. Your resolution must be such you would always be happy with no matter what life throws at you as your progress in life.
Until you wrap this up, delay any interest you have in other men. You must also know that life provides no one guarantees whatsoever. The next man could appear responsible now but turn out to be worse than your present man.
To do a good job, continue to concentrate on his good point else the bitterness of your experience would obliterate whatever pleasant memories you have of him or the reason you agreed to date him among all the other men that demanded for your attention.
The presence of that child in your lives makes it impossible for both of you to completely avoid each other. You won’t know if he has changed without giving him a chance to show or say how much change has happened in his life.
Also you won’t know if you still have feelings for him if you don’t see him. It is your life, nobody can force you into doing something you don’t want to, but it is important that you also don’t cage yourself into a box of regrets and unhappiness because you are in a hurry to be free.
You are at liberty to do whatever you like after listening to him. Give him an appointment at an opened place. While there, insist on the conditions you would come back to him. It is important you discuss the matter of his addiction to drugs, his engagement as the man of the house as well as his interests in women. Also make it clear that if he lays his fingers on you again you would be forced to leave him, love or no love.
His response to your conditions would tell you if he is willing to change or not. And in considering him, don’t expect too much from him at once. Of all his vices, you must know the one you desperately want him to change from. Begin with that and gradually work your way to the rest; change comes from one tiny important step.
Involve your family as well as his in whatever decision you make from now. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can handle these kinds of challenges on your own. If you are going back to him, he must agree before the entire family the kind of work or business he is good at and if you are going to fund it, the management of the place must be left with you for the time being to forestall the incident of the past.
Above all, you must be very prayerful. It is never too late to invite God to take charge of your affairs. This is the most important step for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to praise you for the guidance and direction you have been given to so many women. I always marvel at how you can offer solutions to marital problems that seemed gone too bad beyond repair. May God continue to bless you with wisdom and courage to speak the truth.
I have a burden that needs an objective view from someone who doesn’t know me.
My marriage has been so rocky from the start. We had a short courtship and had to get married quickly because I got pregnant. I tried to make the best of the union by supporting my husband in every way, showing him love and respect. Unfortunately, I lost out in the gamble of marriage, as I never really knew whom I married. It was less than a month after we married before my husband confessed that he was not a graduate and had no paper qualifications. I was shocked and never really got over the deception. I tried to find other ways he could play his role as a man by starting a business for him. Again, he seemed unable to discipline himself to focus on the business. A lot of money would be diverted into drinking, smoking marijuana, partying, and what have you. I had to become the person providing funds for the running of the home.
I was too ashamed to confide in my family members because they never supported the marriage. I tried to make the best of it by focusing on his good qualities. He helps around the house because he is not working and looks after our baby girl, unlike many Nigerian men. What destroyed our relationship aside from his lifestyle was his penchant for cheating. It’s shocking that some of the women are old and married. I later found out that he dates old women, prostitutes and every other girl in the neighbourhood.
When confronted him with evidences, he denies and practically lies about everything in life. Despite my attempts to ignore his excesses he shows no sign of guilt and the affairs are getting worse. So many times, I have had to confront him over text messages and phone calls from these women who call at very odd hours. One of the old women even has a pet name for him. Whenever I confront him, we end up quarrelling and he would disappear for a day or two. Often he comes back home drunk and very high.
If I keep quiet, he pretends all is well while he continues to lie to my face. He has added beating to my problems with him. My family got to know what was really going on in my home. They intervened and removed me from the house and we are now living apart. I am taking care of my daughter without any help from him.
Well, since I left I feel as if a burden has been lifted off my chest. My self-esteem has grown. Financially, I am more buoyant and can keep money aside from fending for my daughter. Now, I have other men showing interest in me and I realised I settled for less when I married him. I have not been in contact with him and though he sends people to beg me, my mind is made up. He claims that he has repented and he is a new man but I don’t believe men change, except with the help of God. He also sends threatening text messages. The final step is to formally go our separate ways, but I keep on having this little thought in the midnight that I should listen to him and try to mend fences, for the sake of our child, and I should also get his life on track. But then, I can’t go back to his house because of the beatings and his bad lifestyle. I also don’t know if he is ready to change. I’m really confused and don’t know if I should leave the marriage completely?
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
In the first place, there is no marriage without problems. Every marriage comes with its cross and lists of don’ts and dos. Like life, marriage is complex and very slippery. It is also very fragile, requiring tenderness to hold it together. If too much pressure is applied it would break into billions of irredeemable pieces; and if less pressure is applied it would demobilise it as well. The solution is usually in the way the individuals in it respond to issues.
It requires a lot of wisdom, tolerance, sacrifices and understanding to blend two strangers into one. This is never done, it takes forever for two people to really become one.
When issues become this complex, the only way out is to face reality with all the honesty it deserves. Doubtless given all you have said about your husband, you have every right to be angry, disillusioned and weary of the marriage. But is he really the only one to be blamed for what your marriage became?
No matter how short the courtship was, if you were well focused and knew what you actually wanted, you would have noticed that he is hooked on marijuana. This is one habit addicts cannot conceal at all. You also would have noticed from the looks other women were giving you; that he has more than passing interest in these women. There is no way a true Casanova can hide his nature even if it is for one day. Also you must have noticed that he wasn’t involved in anything from the time he spent with you or had to toy around with.
Even if a man is unemployed, you can always tell the serious ones from the unserious ones from the struggles they put into their lives.
Your fault is being unable to read and decode the message accurately. You were perhaps too blinded by what you wanted; the sex and fun than what was happening around you. Had you applied your attention to studying a little you would have discovered just enough to know what to expect from marriage to him. Your family saw through him, hence their objection to your marrying him.
It is also obvious that your marriage to him wasn’t planned. You got married to him because you were pregnant and not because you both planned it. One thing is to plan a marriage with someone you really love; another is to marry out of circumstances.
However having said all these and discovered who he really is, do you think you can ever come to love him the way you should love your husband? Do you think you have what it takes to endure the challenges of being married to him? Will you ever have the patience and understanding required to continue to give him selfless support?
Also do you think you can endure sharing him with all the other women in his life? Can you completely forgive all he has done as well as yourself for this mistake your marriage appears to be?
Sincerely, you are at the juncture of telling yourself some basic truths. This time, you don’t have the excuse of not knowing what you are going in to will give; you must make the decision with all clarity of mind knowing you won’t have any reason not to make it work this time around.
Men would always come but that should not be your immediate concern now. You would be unfair to yourself and your child if you don’t first mob up the attendant mess your marriage has thrown up before going into another serious relationship with another man. The worst mistake of your life would be to look back on this moment and wish you didn’t make a hasty decision. Your resolution must be such you would always be happy with no matter what life throws at you as your progress in life.
Until you wrap this up, delay any interest you have in other men. You must also know that life provides no one guarantees whatsoever. The next man could appear responsible now but turn out to be worse than your present man.
To do a good job, continue to concentrate on his good point else the bitterness of your experience would obliterate whatever pleasant memories you have of him or the reason you agreed to date him among all the other men that demanded for your attention.
The presence of that child in your lives makes it impossible for both of you to completely avoid each other. You won’t know if he has changed without giving him a chance to show or say how much change has happened in his life.
Also you won’t know if you still have feelings for him if you don’t see him. It is your life, nobody can force you into doing something you don’t want to, but it is important that you also don’t cage yourself into a box of regrets and unhappiness because you are in a hurry to be free.
You are at liberty to do whatever you like after listening to him. Give him an appointment at an opened place. While there, insist on the conditions you would come back to him. It is important you discuss the matter of his addiction to drugs, his engagement as the man of the house as well as his interests in women. Also make it clear that if he lays his fingers on you again you would be forced to leave him, love or no love.
His response to your conditions would tell you if he is willing to change or not. And in considering him, don’t expect too much from him at once. Of all his vices, you must know the one you desperately want him to change from. Begin with that and gradually work your way to the rest; change comes from one tiny important step.
Involve your family as well as his in whatever decision you make from now. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can handle these kinds of challenges on your own. If you are going back to him, he must agree before the entire family the kind of work or business he is good at and if you are going to fund it, the management of the place must be left with you for the time being to forestall the incident of the past.
Above all, you must be very prayerful. It is never too late to invite God to take charge of your affairs. This is the most important step for you.
Good luck.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Her condition for love deal sounds awkward…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am an ardent reader of your column and I want to say a very big thank you for all the wonderful ways you have been pulling broken hearts together.
I met this young lady and we started as friends but as time would have it, I fell in love with her and I decided to ask her out for a lifelong relationship. But she started acting funny. Some other time she would simply tell me she’s sorry. And without hesitation, I would forgive her.
But mostly she hurts me by telling me she prefers to have men just as friends. When I decide to end everything, she turns around to say all the other guys have at one time or the other asked her out.
Agatha, I love her with every thing in me and if I ask her if she feels the same about me, she’ll turn it to a joke. But the amazing thing is that, sometimes she’ll be more serious than I am. We have been going out for about a year now.
Not too long ago she told me she loves me and would like to spend the rest of her life with me, but we should give ourselves space. When I asked her why, she did not give me any reasonable answer. And while we were together her phone rang, the caller was a man. Hence she didn’t want to answer it because I was there. We ended up quarrelling over the incident. When I called her for us to reconcile, she said I have to apologise to the guy first, else it was over between us.
Agatha, please help me. How do I resolve this issue once and for all?
Kingsley.
Dear Kingsley,
You can resolve this issue once and for all by being bold. Face the reality of the situation; you can force a horse to the river, but you cannot force it to drink water.
It is either you both have a relationship or you don’t have. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life. Asking you to apologise to this man as precondition for her coming back to you is completely out of the question. Even if you jumped to the wrong conclusions about the nature of her relationship with this man, it is out of place to peg her acceptance of your apology on apologising to the man too.
No matter what you have done, she should protect your dignity as her man before others. That she is willing to expose you to the scorn and humiliation of begging another man before she can listen to what you have to say shows that she has very little regards for your feelings.
Still make the attempt to make up with her to erase every doubt from your mind. But if she insists that until you do as she has demanded, let go. In the first place there appears to be no relationship, at least from her end. What you have just done in the last one year is to run in circles.
Use the opportunity provided by this situation to revaluate your closeness to her. Begin by asking yourself if she is a must for you. Honestly, you won’t know until you actually think about it in terms of the value she has added into your life. The quality of happiness she has given you as well as fulfilment she has given you in terms of support she has given you.
Relationship is more than romance. It is what complements us as human beings. The right kind of relationship can bring very positive transformation into one’s life. With the right kind of support, a man and woman can achieve what was once considered impossible. This is the potency of a good relationship.
If you are still struggling after one year with her to find the key, get her to respond to you in the right way, trust and respect you, a lot is very wrong. Chances are you won’t ever get it right with her unless you embrace the truth of this situation. Give it back to her; insist if she wants to stay with you she should also learn to accord you the respect you deserve.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am an ardent reader of your column and I want to say a very big thank you for all the wonderful ways you have been pulling broken hearts together.
I met this young lady and we started as friends but as time would have it, I fell in love with her and I decided to ask her out for a lifelong relationship. But she started acting funny. Some other time she would simply tell me she’s sorry. And without hesitation, I would forgive her.
But mostly she hurts me by telling me she prefers to have men just as friends. When I decide to end everything, she turns around to say all the other guys have at one time or the other asked her out.
Agatha, I love her with every thing in me and if I ask her if she feels the same about me, she’ll turn it to a joke. But the amazing thing is that, sometimes she’ll be more serious than I am. We have been going out for about a year now.
Not too long ago she told me she loves me and would like to spend the rest of her life with me, but we should give ourselves space. When I asked her why, she did not give me any reasonable answer. And while we were together her phone rang, the caller was a man. Hence she didn’t want to answer it because I was there. We ended up quarrelling over the incident. When I called her for us to reconcile, she said I have to apologise to the guy first, else it was over between us.
Agatha, please help me. How do I resolve this issue once and for all?
Kingsley.
Dear Kingsley,
You can resolve this issue once and for all by being bold. Face the reality of the situation; you can force a horse to the river, but you cannot force it to drink water.
It is either you both have a relationship or you don’t have. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life. Asking you to apologise to this man as precondition for her coming back to you is completely out of the question. Even if you jumped to the wrong conclusions about the nature of her relationship with this man, it is out of place to peg her acceptance of your apology on apologising to the man too.
No matter what you have done, she should protect your dignity as her man before others. That she is willing to expose you to the scorn and humiliation of begging another man before she can listen to what you have to say shows that she has very little regards for your feelings.
Still make the attempt to make up with her to erase every doubt from your mind. But if she insists that until you do as she has demanded, let go. In the first place there appears to be no relationship, at least from her end. What you have just done in the last one year is to run in circles.
Use the opportunity provided by this situation to revaluate your closeness to her. Begin by asking yourself if she is a must for you. Honestly, you won’t know until you actually think about it in terms of the value she has added into your life. The quality of happiness she has given you as well as fulfilment she has given you in terms of support she has given you.
Relationship is more than romance. It is what complements us as human beings. The right kind of relationship can bring very positive transformation into one’s life. With the right kind of support, a man and woman can achieve what was once considered impossible. This is the potency of a good relationship.
If you are still struggling after one year with her to find the key, get her to respond to you in the right way, trust and respect you, a lot is very wrong. Chances are you won’t ever get it right with her unless you embrace the truth of this situation. Give it back to her; insist if she wants to stay with you she should also learn to accord you the respect you deserve.
Good luck.
I posed as my wife to her ex on Facebook
Marriage Clinic with Auntie Agatha, Email address; gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel;08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I need your help. I live abroad and met my wife in Nigeria through my elder brother who was in the same class with her. I started speaking to her on the phone and we agreed that we would stop whatever relationship we were into to give us a chance to bond.
I kept my promise but she didn’t. I flew to Nigeria to meet her and conclude if we can get married to each other or not. We finally married and I took her to England within a year.
In England, I demanded to know if she actually kept her side of the bargain to terminate whatever relationship she was into before we started dating. She said she did but something deep inside my mind told me she didn’t.
I then asked her for the name of her ex- boyfriend and she told me. I established a link with this ex on Facebook posing as my wife. Since he thought it was my wife, he didn’t hold anything back from our conversation. I subtly asked him about the last night they had sex and he told me everything.
I then confronted my wife with the information I got from her ex. It was at that point that she told me what happened between them. She opened up that she had sex with him on the last night she left school. She said she actually kept to her side of the bargain but didn’t know what came over her when they had sex. She claimed that even though there was already penetration, she terminated the entire thing when she realised the implication of what she was doing.
What hurt me most is that I was waiting and calling her that night and she was busy having sex with another man. I’m really upset about her betrayal. I had planned to divorce her but she is really good and we have one child now.
I do not trust her but I wish to build the trust back. Each time I make the attempt to, that incident flashes through my mind and I get highly upset. I take everything she tells me now with a pinch of salt.
She has apologised many times but I can’t forget that. I have tried to forget but still find myself in serious pain.
I need to forgive but do not know how to or do I divorce her?
Kindly answer me before I do something I would regret later.
Husband.
Dear Husband,
Since she got married to you, has she done anything to make you regret ever marrying her? Have you caught her in any compromising situation with any other man?
From your admission, she is a good woman. What every married man needs is a good and respectful woman. I am sure she won’t be in your house till now if you found her to be anything less than what she is.
What happened between her ex and her is in the past. At the time you both agreed to terminate whatever relationships you were both into, she hadn’t met you; didn’t know if you were serious; was afraid of what would happen if you end up changing your mind about her.
You could have met another woman through the same process you met her. It was easy for you because as the man, you had made up your mind about marrying her. Although there was an agreement between the two of you then, she wasn’t quite sure about your sincerity hence the need for her to hold on to the reality of her now ex.
Yes, she should have trusted you enough to let go of her ex, but was afraid of being left in the cold judging by the experiences of other women whose men went abroad and never looked back.
For the simple reason that you don’t have her experiences, don’t know what her friends and close ones whose boyfriends left them and went abroad experienced, do find it in your heart to forgive her.
At the time you were promising her marriage, she didn’t know how serious you were given that fact that the woman in your life may not want to let go of you easily.
If you want to enjoy this marriage, allow it to remain in the past. You and I have pasts we are not proud of and wish we could rewrite. That she has kept apologising means she is really sorry for misjudging you as well as not trusting you enough when you started. That you know about this flaw doesn’t make you the saint and she the villain. If you are honest enough with yourself, you will discover a cupboard in your time bank that you don’t want anyone to ever discover because its content are so shameful.
The best way to forget her seeming betrayal is quantify the amount of happiness she has given you since coming into your life. Also think of the repercussion of you divorcing her on your child. If you didn’t find the idea of sleeping with her and having a baby together repulsive, then whatever it is you feel isn’t as fundamental as you are advertising it. You only feel this bad because his identity is known to you through Facebook. Frankly, you shouldn’t have gone to that extent because what one doesn’t know, usually doesn’t hurt.
How would you feel if she exhumes the memory of your ex from the closed cupboard you have kept it? By pretending to be her on facebook, you opened yourself up for pains and humiliation. There are certain things in life, one ignores for one’s peace of mind.
Since you didn’t meet her a virgin, it means she has had other men in her life just like you have had other women in your life. Do yourself a world of good by ignoring the past. Begin your assessment of her from the time you met and paid her bride price.
You must also realise that forgiveness isn’t complete without forgetting the event. Without you making a conscious effort at forgetting the issues of that night, you will never be able to completely forgive her.
Real forgiveness requires a deliberate effort because it demands something we aren’t always willing to give. There is no way you can trust her or build confidence in your marriage if you keep nursing this wound of betrayal forever.
This is the time for you and your wife to connect, build the memorials, inculcate the right values in your marriage and leave your children with a legacy to grow with.
Every day of our lives is a gift from God and the only way we can justify this grace is to learn to forgive our loved ones. She is the closest person to you in life by virtue of her role as your wife. If you continue to entertain ill feelings towards her, it means you don’t like yourself at all.
If you cannot trust the woman who cooks for you, attends to your emotional needs and who is the mother of your child, then something is very wrong somewhere and means you have a major problem of letting go.
To help you do a good job of leading your home aright, ask God for help in erasing the memory of this incident from your mind. You can only appreciate her good qualities after you have expunged from your mind this unpleasant memory.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I need your help. I live abroad and met my wife in Nigeria through my elder brother who was in the same class with her. I started speaking to her on the phone and we agreed that we would stop whatever relationship we were into to give us a chance to bond.
I kept my promise but she didn’t. I flew to Nigeria to meet her and conclude if we can get married to each other or not. We finally married and I took her to England within a year.
In England, I demanded to know if she actually kept her side of the bargain to terminate whatever relationship she was into before we started dating. She said she did but something deep inside my mind told me she didn’t.
I then asked her for the name of her ex- boyfriend and she told me. I established a link with this ex on Facebook posing as my wife. Since he thought it was my wife, he didn’t hold anything back from our conversation. I subtly asked him about the last night they had sex and he told me everything.
I then confronted my wife with the information I got from her ex. It was at that point that she told me what happened between them. She opened up that she had sex with him on the last night she left school. She said she actually kept to her side of the bargain but didn’t know what came over her when they had sex. She claimed that even though there was already penetration, she terminated the entire thing when she realised the implication of what she was doing.
What hurt me most is that I was waiting and calling her that night and she was busy having sex with another man. I’m really upset about her betrayal. I had planned to divorce her but she is really good and we have one child now.
I do not trust her but I wish to build the trust back. Each time I make the attempt to, that incident flashes through my mind and I get highly upset. I take everything she tells me now with a pinch of salt.
She has apologised many times but I can’t forget that. I have tried to forget but still find myself in serious pain.
I need to forgive but do not know how to or do I divorce her?
Kindly answer me before I do something I would regret later.
Husband.
Dear Husband,
Since she got married to you, has she done anything to make you regret ever marrying her? Have you caught her in any compromising situation with any other man?
From your admission, she is a good woman. What every married man needs is a good and respectful woman. I am sure she won’t be in your house till now if you found her to be anything less than what she is.
What happened between her ex and her is in the past. At the time you both agreed to terminate whatever relationships you were both into, she hadn’t met you; didn’t know if you were serious; was afraid of what would happen if you end up changing your mind about her.
You could have met another woman through the same process you met her. It was easy for you because as the man, you had made up your mind about marrying her. Although there was an agreement between the two of you then, she wasn’t quite sure about your sincerity hence the need for her to hold on to the reality of her now ex.
Yes, she should have trusted you enough to let go of her ex, but was afraid of being left in the cold judging by the experiences of other women whose men went abroad and never looked back.
For the simple reason that you don’t have her experiences, don’t know what her friends and close ones whose boyfriends left them and went abroad experienced, do find it in your heart to forgive her.
At the time you were promising her marriage, she didn’t know how serious you were given that fact that the woman in your life may not want to let go of you easily.
If you want to enjoy this marriage, allow it to remain in the past. You and I have pasts we are not proud of and wish we could rewrite. That she has kept apologising means she is really sorry for misjudging you as well as not trusting you enough when you started. That you know about this flaw doesn’t make you the saint and she the villain. If you are honest enough with yourself, you will discover a cupboard in your time bank that you don’t want anyone to ever discover because its content are so shameful.
The best way to forget her seeming betrayal is quantify the amount of happiness she has given you since coming into your life. Also think of the repercussion of you divorcing her on your child. If you didn’t find the idea of sleeping with her and having a baby together repulsive, then whatever it is you feel isn’t as fundamental as you are advertising it. You only feel this bad because his identity is known to you through Facebook. Frankly, you shouldn’t have gone to that extent because what one doesn’t know, usually doesn’t hurt.
How would you feel if she exhumes the memory of your ex from the closed cupboard you have kept it? By pretending to be her on facebook, you opened yourself up for pains and humiliation. There are certain things in life, one ignores for one’s peace of mind.
Since you didn’t meet her a virgin, it means she has had other men in her life just like you have had other women in your life. Do yourself a world of good by ignoring the past. Begin your assessment of her from the time you met and paid her bride price.
You must also realise that forgiveness isn’t complete without forgetting the event. Without you making a conscious effort at forgetting the issues of that night, you will never be able to completely forgive her.
Real forgiveness requires a deliberate effort because it demands something we aren’t always willing to give. There is no way you can trust her or build confidence in your marriage if you keep nursing this wound of betrayal forever.
This is the time for you and your wife to connect, build the memorials, inculcate the right values in your marriage and leave your children with a legacy to grow with.
Every day of our lives is a gift from God and the only way we can justify this grace is to learn to forgive our loved ones. She is the closest person to you in life by virtue of her role as your wife. If you continue to entertain ill feelings towards her, it means you don’t like yourself at all.
If you cannot trust the woman who cooks for you, attends to your emotional needs and who is the mother of your child, then something is very wrong somewhere and means you have a major problem of letting go.
To help you do a good job of leading your home aright, ask God for help in erasing the memory of this incident from your mind. You can only appreciate her good qualities after you have expunged from your mind this unpleasant memory.
Good luck.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Mum complains of her humble background…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am currently in a bit of a mess concerning my marriage and relationship.
Before my current situation and relocation to United Kingdom, I had a relationship with this lady from Delta State. I had gone to the extent of introducing this lady to my parents and immediate family members as the lady I had wanted to marry.
My mother opposed because the lady wasn’t from our tribe and came from humble background. I stood my grounds.
Contrary to what I expected, she stood by me even when things were very tough and rough for me. But when it got to a point where I was just not relevant to her in anyway she started changing and the quarrels started coming. I noticed that each time I called her line from the UK it was always busy and when I accuse her of getting involved with other men she tacitly consented by saying to me that if other men don’t admire her then there was a problem with her physical outlook.
I felt very bad but kept my cool until one evening when I called her line and she wouldn’t pick her call. When she eventually answered the next day she explained to me that she had been with a new man at the time I was calling and as she was speaking she started crying, telling me that she had betrayed me.
It was painful, but I moved on. I eventually met a single mother of one through whom I got a white-collar job. One thing led to another and we became an item.
By this time my ex-girlfriend had started calling me again trying to make up with me and as I was already involved with another woman, I told her I would prefer a platonic relationship with her.
Things moved rather quickly between the woman and me in my life resulting into my moving in with her and the son.
And then the problems started. She would always search my personal effects, go through my phones and e-mails and foment trouble if she saw things relating to other ladies including my sisters and female friends with whom I had nothing.
These actions of hers informed the closure of my e-mail accounts as well as changing my telephone numbers to ensure she didn’t feel insecure anymore. She would also compare me to her male boss at work asking me to carry myself the way the man carries himself; she would lash out at me angrily when I sought to know if anything was bothering her. I had to cut off all association with all old friends to make this lady happy. Although we had sex initially we stopped as she thought I was taking the Mickey out of her because of our intimacy. I was not perturbed by her decision because I wasn’t really getting the best from her.
However, we had some peace for sometime and prompting us to mull over the idea of marriage. Then came the day we went to get an engagement ring. She insisted for an engagement ring that was exactly worth my one-month salary. We had a bit of a disagreement about this but I concurred for the sake of peace.
We eventually got married and six days after our civil marriage she moved out of the master bedroom because I snore. That was when I knew that marrying this lady was the worst mistake of my life. I knew I was in the biggest mess of my life.
I remained a gentleman and kept my cool not worrying her for any form of intimacy whatsoever even though it was difficult not to since I had gotten used to her.
It was also after the civil marriage that I got to know that she was heavily indebted to the banks. I was now expected to take care of her and her love child.
Somehow, she got hold of an old flash drive of mine that I had been looking for since I moved in to her house and which contained the pictures of my ex-girlfriend. We quarrelled like we had never done before. Our pastor tried to intervene but the dissolution of our marriage was just a question of time.
While at work one day she sent me an e-mail saying she was done with the marriage. We went our separate ways towards the end of last year.
I later got in touch with all my old friends as well as my ex. I discovered she wasn’t married. She said pressure from her family including the uncertainty facing us at the time and her inexperience contributed to that blunder. She begged for forgiveness and even though I am still seething from anger over two failed relationships that have happened in quick succession, I have found it in my heart to accept this lady back.
Agatha I am back with this lady and she knows all about what transpired between my ex wife and I. She has been brilliant in the way she has managed the crisis times particularly when I get into my terrible moods. She has been so prayerful, fasting and telling me to remain steadfast in God. We have grown quite close. We have progressed in leaps and bounds. I don’t want to make any mistakes anymore. I know we might not be of the same social status but I love this lady to have taken her back.
I am bothered about my parents coming up with the issue about her humble background again. I now know more from the experience I had in my just previous three months old marriage, that it entails a lot more than social status and money.
I have come to understand that marriage entails happiness, peace of mind, tolerance and lots more. I need your candid view about my current situation as I am considering coming back after I have sorted out my divorce.
I need to know how to handle my parents and win their support regarding marrying this lady, as I am not ready to get into another terrible mess. I have also committed this into God’s hands as I pray about my current situation all the time. Please your advice will be taken quite seriously as I am very careful about whom I talk.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Having entrusted this relationship to God, I am sure He would clear and smoothen all rough edges. He knows all our tomorrows from today and has never gone wrong.
You and your girlfriend got derailed by impatience, lack of experience as well as trust in God. Had both of you overlooked the challenges you were both passing through at that time, none of this ugliness of your present situation would have happened.
Having gone through the baptism of fire, I am sure you are now more matured and experienced to handle matters of the heart.
Frankly, it is too early for you to begin something new. It doesn’t matter if she is your ex or not, the fact remains that you haven’t really sat down to consider all angles to the issue of your marriage to the other woman before jumping on the boat of reconciliation with your ex.
The incident of the past months with this woman may have left some very bitter taste in your mouth but there is still the need for you to consider the possibility of you coming back together.
And you can only be sure, you are completely over her if you give yourself enough time to think and come to a decisive conclusion. You must be sure also you are not using your ex as a rebound like you obviously used her when your ex left you for another man.
It would be so unfortunate if you allow yourself to migrate to and fro these women ceaselessly. This is the time for you to be very decisive concerning your future.
Before proceeding with this lady, be sure there can never be anthing between you and your wife. No matter how short-lived your marriage to her was you must have been closely connected at one time for you to have taken such steps despite knowing her kind of person.
Are you sure you won’t feel regrets later in life about your decision to leave her and go back to your ex? Are you sure you won’t miss not having her in your life on certain occasions? Is there something very outstanding you will never be able to forget about her? It is also important you are sure you are not using your current relationship to mask your pains and disappointments.
Continue with this other lady only if you are really sure that there is no possibility of you and your wife coming back together, you feel absolutely comfortable in her company.
As for the issue of your parents, there is nothing to it as long as you are sure of your love for each other and the dreams you both share. Background isn’t what makes a marriage work but the determination of the couple in it. As long as you and your woman agree to close rank, face every challenge with dignity and fear of God, accord each other respect as well as support, you have nothing to fear.
But all these would depend on true forgiveness. You must completely let go of whatever pains or sense of betrayal you feel by her actions. There are occasions you would, after deep reflection, blame her for all the secondary issues arising from your hurried marriage to the other woman. It is essential you completely forgive her. If you don’t, your relationship with her may never come to its full potentials.
Despite the lessons of her past experience too, there is the need for both of you to talk about your experiences as well as fears. Also, you need to be sure of her all over again.
If you have any question concerning her past conduct, don’t bottle it up. Ask for the purpose of clearing up any backlog of issues.
Once your mind is made up, do whatever you have to do urgently so you don’t leave gap for temptations.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am currently in a bit of a mess concerning my marriage and relationship.
Before my current situation and relocation to United Kingdom, I had a relationship with this lady from Delta State. I had gone to the extent of introducing this lady to my parents and immediate family members as the lady I had wanted to marry.
My mother opposed because the lady wasn’t from our tribe and came from humble background. I stood my grounds.
Contrary to what I expected, she stood by me even when things were very tough and rough for me. But when it got to a point where I was just not relevant to her in anyway she started changing and the quarrels started coming. I noticed that each time I called her line from the UK it was always busy and when I accuse her of getting involved with other men she tacitly consented by saying to me that if other men don’t admire her then there was a problem with her physical outlook.
I felt very bad but kept my cool until one evening when I called her line and she wouldn’t pick her call. When she eventually answered the next day she explained to me that she had been with a new man at the time I was calling and as she was speaking she started crying, telling me that she had betrayed me.
It was painful, but I moved on. I eventually met a single mother of one through whom I got a white-collar job. One thing led to another and we became an item.
By this time my ex-girlfriend had started calling me again trying to make up with me and as I was already involved with another woman, I told her I would prefer a platonic relationship with her.
Things moved rather quickly between the woman and me in my life resulting into my moving in with her and the son.
And then the problems started. She would always search my personal effects, go through my phones and e-mails and foment trouble if she saw things relating to other ladies including my sisters and female friends with whom I had nothing.
These actions of hers informed the closure of my e-mail accounts as well as changing my telephone numbers to ensure she didn’t feel insecure anymore. She would also compare me to her male boss at work asking me to carry myself the way the man carries himself; she would lash out at me angrily when I sought to know if anything was bothering her. I had to cut off all association with all old friends to make this lady happy. Although we had sex initially we stopped as she thought I was taking the Mickey out of her because of our intimacy. I was not perturbed by her decision because I wasn’t really getting the best from her.
However, we had some peace for sometime and prompting us to mull over the idea of marriage. Then came the day we went to get an engagement ring. She insisted for an engagement ring that was exactly worth my one-month salary. We had a bit of a disagreement about this but I concurred for the sake of peace.
We eventually got married and six days after our civil marriage she moved out of the master bedroom because I snore. That was when I knew that marrying this lady was the worst mistake of my life. I knew I was in the biggest mess of my life.
I remained a gentleman and kept my cool not worrying her for any form of intimacy whatsoever even though it was difficult not to since I had gotten used to her.
It was also after the civil marriage that I got to know that she was heavily indebted to the banks. I was now expected to take care of her and her love child.
Somehow, she got hold of an old flash drive of mine that I had been looking for since I moved in to her house and which contained the pictures of my ex-girlfriend. We quarrelled like we had never done before. Our pastor tried to intervene but the dissolution of our marriage was just a question of time.
While at work one day she sent me an e-mail saying she was done with the marriage. We went our separate ways towards the end of last year.
I later got in touch with all my old friends as well as my ex. I discovered she wasn’t married. She said pressure from her family including the uncertainty facing us at the time and her inexperience contributed to that blunder. She begged for forgiveness and even though I am still seething from anger over two failed relationships that have happened in quick succession, I have found it in my heart to accept this lady back.
Agatha I am back with this lady and she knows all about what transpired between my ex wife and I. She has been brilliant in the way she has managed the crisis times particularly when I get into my terrible moods. She has been so prayerful, fasting and telling me to remain steadfast in God. We have grown quite close. We have progressed in leaps and bounds. I don’t want to make any mistakes anymore. I know we might not be of the same social status but I love this lady to have taken her back.
I am bothered about my parents coming up with the issue about her humble background again. I now know more from the experience I had in my just previous three months old marriage, that it entails a lot more than social status and money.
I have come to understand that marriage entails happiness, peace of mind, tolerance and lots more. I need your candid view about my current situation as I am considering coming back after I have sorted out my divorce.
I need to know how to handle my parents and win their support regarding marrying this lady, as I am not ready to get into another terrible mess. I have also committed this into God’s hands as I pray about my current situation all the time. Please your advice will be taken quite seriously as I am very careful about whom I talk.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Having entrusted this relationship to God, I am sure He would clear and smoothen all rough edges. He knows all our tomorrows from today and has never gone wrong.
You and your girlfriend got derailed by impatience, lack of experience as well as trust in God. Had both of you overlooked the challenges you were both passing through at that time, none of this ugliness of your present situation would have happened.
Having gone through the baptism of fire, I am sure you are now more matured and experienced to handle matters of the heart.
Frankly, it is too early for you to begin something new. It doesn’t matter if she is your ex or not, the fact remains that you haven’t really sat down to consider all angles to the issue of your marriage to the other woman before jumping on the boat of reconciliation with your ex.
The incident of the past months with this woman may have left some very bitter taste in your mouth but there is still the need for you to consider the possibility of you coming back together.
And you can only be sure, you are completely over her if you give yourself enough time to think and come to a decisive conclusion. You must be sure also you are not using your ex as a rebound like you obviously used her when your ex left you for another man.
It would be so unfortunate if you allow yourself to migrate to and fro these women ceaselessly. This is the time for you to be very decisive concerning your future.
Before proceeding with this lady, be sure there can never be anthing between you and your wife. No matter how short-lived your marriage to her was you must have been closely connected at one time for you to have taken such steps despite knowing her kind of person.
Are you sure you won’t feel regrets later in life about your decision to leave her and go back to your ex? Are you sure you won’t miss not having her in your life on certain occasions? Is there something very outstanding you will never be able to forget about her? It is also important you are sure you are not using your current relationship to mask your pains and disappointments.
Continue with this other lady only if you are really sure that there is no possibility of you and your wife coming back together, you feel absolutely comfortable in her company.
As for the issue of your parents, there is nothing to it as long as you are sure of your love for each other and the dreams you both share. Background isn’t what makes a marriage work but the determination of the couple in it. As long as you and your woman agree to close rank, face every challenge with dignity and fear of God, accord each other respect as well as support, you have nothing to fear.
But all these would depend on true forgiveness. You must completely let go of whatever pains or sense of betrayal you feel by her actions. There are occasions you would, after deep reflection, blame her for all the secondary issues arising from your hurried marriage to the other woman. It is essential you completely forgive her. If you don’t, your relationship with her may never come to its full potentials.
Despite the lessons of her past experience too, there is the need for both of you to talk about your experiences as well as fears. Also, you need to be sure of her all over again.
If you have any question concerning her past conduct, don’t bottle it up. Ask for the purpose of clearing up any backlog of issues.
Once your mind is made up, do whatever you have to do urgently so you don’t leave gap for temptations.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Can masturbation cause quick ejaculation?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by thanking you for the good advice you give. I have a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I am 30 years old and I started masturbating at the age of 13 when I was exposed to pornography. Ever since I got hook on it. I have never had sex with any woman in my life. I am in a relationship right now. My fiancée and I promised to wait until our wedding night before indulging in sex.
She is not aware of this my ugly past life, yet and I am planning on letting her know. Since I don’t want to hide anything from her even though she decides to leave me on account of my honesty as regards this issue.
My problem is that I heard that one of the side effects of masturbation is premature ejaculation. How true is that? I have since stopped masturbating but I am afraid I may not be able to satisfy my woman in bed if I end up ejaculating early. I normally ejaculate in less than 30 seconds whenever I masturbate. Is there any solution you will recommend to help redeem my situation? Thanks very much for your anticipated response.
Kindness.
Dear Kindness,
Masturbation in itself doesn’t cause premature ejaculation but the time a man sets for himself does. If you have persistently trained yourself to climax after a few seconds of self-stimulation, your brain would automatically sends the message once that time clocks whether you are emotionally ready or not, to climax. This is one of the side effects of masturbation. Over the years you have set an alarm deep in your brains. Whether you like it or not, this alarm would automatically go off at the precise time it has done for the number of years you indulged in this habit.
You may have stopped the habit but you have detonated the alarm bell. Until you grow the will and trust in your partner to come clean with your past.
To re-order your time, you would need the help of your partner to slow down the process of your climax. You will need her to understand that the first few weeks or months may not be as she has envisaged, that you would need her support to completely get over this addiction of yours.
There is no way she would leave you on account of what you did in your past except she doesn’t understand what love is all about. Besides, she too would have done one or two things in her past she isn’t proud off.
If your love for each other is solid, she won’t mind helping you completely to overcome this past. It would as a matter of fact be her pleasure to.
For her to do a good job, you must volunteer your desire and knowledge of sex to her. Allow her to take full charge, even if she is a novice. The know-how of sex is inborn, comes from an instinct that predates our conception.
She would not get lost and in the excitement of helping her come of age, discover what your body is as well as has to offer her, you would forget your own immediate need.
The process of assisting her, getting her ready for you would distract you from your own desires and by the time she is ready, you would just be fine for her. The perfection of your timings would make your issue invisible to her.
The amount of freedom and time you devote to her are the sure ways of overcoming your own limitations.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I want to start by thanking you for the good advice you give. I have a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I am 30 years old and I started masturbating at the age of 13 when I was exposed to pornography. Ever since I got hook on it. I have never had sex with any woman in my life. I am in a relationship right now. My fiancée and I promised to wait until our wedding night before indulging in sex.
She is not aware of this my ugly past life, yet and I am planning on letting her know. Since I don’t want to hide anything from her even though she decides to leave me on account of my honesty as regards this issue.
My problem is that I heard that one of the side effects of masturbation is premature ejaculation. How true is that? I have since stopped masturbating but I am afraid I may not be able to satisfy my woman in bed if I end up ejaculating early. I normally ejaculate in less than 30 seconds whenever I masturbate. Is there any solution you will recommend to help redeem my situation? Thanks very much for your anticipated response.
Kindness.
Dear Kindness,
Masturbation in itself doesn’t cause premature ejaculation but the time a man sets for himself does. If you have persistently trained yourself to climax after a few seconds of self-stimulation, your brain would automatically sends the message once that time clocks whether you are emotionally ready or not, to climax. This is one of the side effects of masturbation. Over the years you have set an alarm deep in your brains. Whether you like it or not, this alarm would automatically go off at the precise time it has done for the number of years you indulged in this habit.
You may have stopped the habit but you have detonated the alarm bell. Until you grow the will and trust in your partner to come clean with your past.
To re-order your time, you would need the help of your partner to slow down the process of your climax. You will need her to understand that the first few weeks or months may not be as she has envisaged, that you would need her support to completely get over this addiction of yours.
There is no way she would leave you on account of what you did in your past except she doesn’t understand what love is all about. Besides, she too would have done one or two things in her past she isn’t proud off.
If your love for each other is solid, she won’t mind helping you completely to overcome this past. It would as a matter of fact be her pleasure to.
For her to do a good job, you must volunteer your desire and knowledge of sex to her. Allow her to take full charge, even if she is a novice. The know-how of sex is inborn, comes from an instinct that predates our conception.
She would not get lost and in the excitement of helping her come of age, discover what your body is as well as has to offer her, you would forget your own immediate need.
The process of assisting her, getting her ready for you would distract you from your own desires and by the time she is ready, you would just be fine for her. The perfection of your timings would make your issue invisible to her.
The amount of freedom and time you devote to her are the sure ways of overcoming your own limitations.
Good luck.
Hard to bowel her knack for old men…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I recently turned 27 and came back from the United Kingdom for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in one of the biggest hotels in Nigeria. At the completion of my service year I got employed by the same company I served. It was in this company that I met the love of my life. Prior to my coming back to Nigeria, I never entertained the idea of dating Nigerian girls; I have always preferred Nigerians in Diaspora like myself. This is because of the perception I have that Nigerian women are promiscuous.
Working in the hotel daily exposes me to the nature of women here especially between young ladies and old men. Things like that make me sick to my stomach.
However when I met Amanda everything changed. Amanda was like God sent then. I encouraged her to stop work at the hotel and go back to school. I didn’t hide the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
During our discussions she told me she once dated a married man and I almost dumped her because she confided in me. She promised it would never happen again. I advised her to plead for God’s forgiveness.
While at the hotel, she met an old white man who has kept calling her. I didn’t hide my discomfort over his calls. She often asks me to allow her go and hang out with him, a request I initially refused but later gave in to, due to trust.
One day I realised he took her out for shopping but she didn’t tell me because she was afraid of what I might do but she later called and told me while she was with him. As of now, I am helping her financially but I am not able to support her fully as I have other people who depend on me.
She says she’s only interested in the financial help the man is offering her and that he has never asked her for sex. I fear that one day she will start having sex with this old man because of money as they are getting closer and closer. I have called and warned the man to stay away from my girl but he has obviously refused to do that.
I hate him so much but I blame my girl for giving him the space to get close to her, it makes me feel like she’s cheap and worthless. We recently had a heated argument and she told me that she is not interested in having a relationship with the man; that he is offering her financial help to better her future and that if I am uncomfortable with his presence I should leave her.
I feel she has chosen him over me; it makes me feel that she does not value me at all. She also said that prior to meeting me, she detested dating young single men due to their complaints and hunger for sex, that she preferred dating married men who will spend on her, give her freedom and wouldn’t have much sex with her. However she admitted that she prayed for a man like me and that God has answered her prayer when she met me. She is only 20 years of age.
I love her drive to succeed in life but I hate the method she is using to reach that goal. She is very honest with me and loves me very much without doubt but I believe in a few years time if not married, I would be going into the marriage institution. Should I leave her and find a suitable lady? I guess the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know right? Should I give her a chance? Can she grow to become my wife? She is everything I look for in a woman but she also loves attention from men, which I hate. Sometimes I query God for allowing me to meet her and on the other hand, I thank God for bringing her into my life. I have other women that want me that she is aware of but I don’t even look at them twice.
One mind is telling me to seek an audience with the white man and explain everything to him and that if he is reasonable, he would leave my girl alone. Meanwhile another mind is also telling me to reveal my gangster side to him and teach him a lifetime lesson. If the white man leaves her, will she not get involved with another person for financial help? Should I focus more on establishing myself instead of worrying too much about her and her so called male friends?
Please advise me accordingly because I’m about to lose my mind.
Sean.
Dear Sean,
Concentrate more energy on establishing yourself than worrying about your girlfriend and her attitude. She has made her choice very clear and you would be doing yourself a great injustice by neglecting your own dreams. You need to take your own life more serious than you are currently doing.
Going to the other man to leave her alone or deploying violence won’t change the way she thinks. She has not hidden what moves her from you. She is blinded by money and anywhere she smells the perfume of money, like butterfly she would go towards that direction.
The man could arrest you for assault, harassment or threat to his life because he has no business with you. And don’t be too sure this lady would stand by you if your interference means her losing a viable client. You won’t be able to cope with the attendant mess the man may cook for you should you venture to confront him.
It is your girlfriend you have business with and if she isn’t pretending about the side of her bread the butter is most generous, do yourself a world of good by pretending that no other man exists in her life. This way you would have the presence and peace of mind to concentrate on your life. In fairness to the white man, he has stolen your woman or forced her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in. She has the goods and he has the money to buy. If there is anyone you need to confront, it is your girlfriend.
Money is what she wants and not the love you have to offer her. If you are unable to make it at the end of the day, this young lady would eventually leave you for a man who has what she requires to be happy.
You may love her and she you, but love isn’t enough for her and would never be strong enough to make her absolutely loyal to you.
There is no way the man would not eventually demand for sex and she won’t give in. Since it is obvious that money motivates her, if the other man threatens to stop the flow of money to her, she would either she likes it or not succumbs to his demands because he has what she wants.
Frankly, this isn’t the kind of lady you should give your all to. At 20, she is far too experienced for you. She is already wise on the ways of women. Unless you are prepared to share her until she is ready to quit her act, you may have to consider so many things in your current situation as well as relationship.
In addition to concentrating on your own self-development, down play your feelings for her. You cannot love this woman more than you do to yourself. You have to get rid of that thing you are afraid to confront in this relationship. Whether you like it or not, she isn’t exclusively yours. You are sharing her with other men so why are you so much afraid of losing her? By giving her permission to see this white man, you unwittingly gave consent to her to date the man.
It is time you took charge of this relationship because contentment is a vital key to the progress and success of a relationship. If you are funding her, no matter how meager, she should be contented with it. There is something about perseverance. A woman who cannot endure hardship, make sacrifices for the man in her life isn’t ready for a future with that man.
Your love isn’t an excuse for you to condone her misbehaviour. Insist that unless she is ready to do away with all the other men in her life, you may have no choice but reconsider your relationship. For now, she isn’t ready to change for you. You can only stay with a person who is willing to change, but in a situation where this lady isn’t repentant, there is little you can do for her.
If you truly love her, be the friend she needs for now to protect yourself from emotional pains and disappointment. You need all your efforts to succeed in whatever you decide to do.
There is nobody that cannot change but the issue is, when. And is she even ready to change from her ways? How long are you ready to endure the embarrassment of seeing your girl with other men?
Make up your mind before this woman destroys you for another woman.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I recently turned 27 and came back from the United Kingdom for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) in one of the biggest hotels in Nigeria. At the completion of my service year I got employed by the same company I served. It was in this company that I met the love of my life. Prior to my coming back to Nigeria, I never entertained the idea of dating Nigerian girls; I have always preferred Nigerians in Diaspora like myself. This is because of the perception I have that Nigerian women are promiscuous.
Working in the hotel daily exposes me to the nature of women here especially between young ladies and old men. Things like that make me sick to my stomach.
However when I met Amanda everything changed. Amanda was like God sent then. I encouraged her to stop work at the hotel and go back to school. I didn’t hide the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
During our discussions she told me she once dated a married man and I almost dumped her because she confided in me. She promised it would never happen again. I advised her to plead for God’s forgiveness.
While at the hotel, she met an old white man who has kept calling her. I didn’t hide my discomfort over his calls. She often asks me to allow her go and hang out with him, a request I initially refused but later gave in to, due to trust.
One day I realised he took her out for shopping but she didn’t tell me because she was afraid of what I might do but she later called and told me while she was with him. As of now, I am helping her financially but I am not able to support her fully as I have other people who depend on me.
She says she’s only interested in the financial help the man is offering her and that he has never asked her for sex. I fear that one day she will start having sex with this old man because of money as they are getting closer and closer. I have called and warned the man to stay away from my girl but he has obviously refused to do that.
I hate him so much but I blame my girl for giving him the space to get close to her, it makes me feel like she’s cheap and worthless. We recently had a heated argument and she told me that she is not interested in having a relationship with the man; that he is offering her financial help to better her future and that if I am uncomfortable with his presence I should leave her.
I feel she has chosen him over me; it makes me feel that she does not value me at all. She also said that prior to meeting me, she detested dating young single men due to their complaints and hunger for sex, that she preferred dating married men who will spend on her, give her freedom and wouldn’t have much sex with her. However she admitted that she prayed for a man like me and that God has answered her prayer when she met me. She is only 20 years of age.
I love her drive to succeed in life but I hate the method she is using to reach that goal. She is very honest with me and loves me very much without doubt but I believe in a few years time if not married, I would be going into the marriage institution. Should I leave her and find a suitable lady? I guess the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know right? Should I give her a chance? Can she grow to become my wife? She is everything I look for in a woman but she also loves attention from men, which I hate. Sometimes I query God for allowing me to meet her and on the other hand, I thank God for bringing her into my life. I have other women that want me that she is aware of but I don’t even look at them twice.
One mind is telling me to seek an audience with the white man and explain everything to him and that if he is reasonable, he would leave my girl alone. Meanwhile another mind is also telling me to reveal my gangster side to him and teach him a lifetime lesson. If the white man leaves her, will she not get involved with another person for financial help? Should I focus more on establishing myself instead of worrying too much about her and her so called male friends?
Please advise me accordingly because I’m about to lose my mind.
Sean.
Dear Sean,
Concentrate more energy on establishing yourself than worrying about your girlfriend and her attitude. She has made her choice very clear and you would be doing yourself a great injustice by neglecting your own dreams. You need to take your own life more serious than you are currently doing.
Going to the other man to leave her alone or deploying violence won’t change the way she thinks. She has not hidden what moves her from you. She is blinded by money and anywhere she smells the perfume of money, like butterfly she would go towards that direction.
The man could arrest you for assault, harassment or threat to his life because he has no business with you. And don’t be too sure this lady would stand by you if your interference means her losing a viable client. You won’t be able to cope with the attendant mess the man may cook for you should you venture to confront him.
It is your girlfriend you have business with and if she isn’t pretending about the side of her bread the butter is most generous, do yourself a world of good by pretending that no other man exists in her life. This way you would have the presence and peace of mind to concentrate on your life. In fairness to the white man, he has stolen your woman or forced her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in. She has the goods and he has the money to buy. If there is anyone you need to confront, it is your girlfriend.
Money is what she wants and not the love you have to offer her. If you are unable to make it at the end of the day, this young lady would eventually leave you for a man who has what she requires to be happy.
You may love her and she you, but love isn’t enough for her and would never be strong enough to make her absolutely loyal to you.
There is no way the man would not eventually demand for sex and she won’t give in. Since it is obvious that money motivates her, if the other man threatens to stop the flow of money to her, she would either she likes it or not succumbs to his demands because he has what she wants.
Frankly, this isn’t the kind of lady you should give your all to. At 20, she is far too experienced for you. She is already wise on the ways of women. Unless you are prepared to share her until she is ready to quit her act, you may have to consider so many things in your current situation as well as relationship.
In addition to concentrating on your own self-development, down play your feelings for her. You cannot love this woman more than you do to yourself. You have to get rid of that thing you are afraid to confront in this relationship. Whether you like it or not, she isn’t exclusively yours. You are sharing her with other men so why are you so much afraid of losing her? By giving her permission to see this white man, you unwittingly gave consent to her to date the man.
It is time you took charge of this relationship because contentment is a vital key to the progress and success of a relationship. If you are funding her, no matter how meager, she should be contented with it. There is something about perseverance. A woman who cannot endure hardship, make sacrifices for the man in her life isn’t ready for a future with that man.
Your love isn’t an excuse for you to condone her misbehaviour. Insist that unless she is ready to do away with all the other men in her life, you may have no choice but reconsider your relationship. For now, she isn’t ready to change for you. You can only stay with a person who is willing to change, but in a situation where this lady isn’t repentant, there is little you can do for her.
If you truly love her, be the friend she needs for now to protect yourself from emotional pains and disappointment. You need all your efforts to succeed in whatever you decide to do.
There is nobody that cannot change but the issue is, when. And is she even ready to change from her ways? How long are you ready to endure the embarrassment of seeing your girl with other men?
Make up your mind before this woman destroys you for another woman.
Good luck.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Can’t one rouse girl without oral sex?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I‘m a young man of 30 years old and planning to settle down very soon. I have this confusing issue I would like you to help clear. My friends tell me that to get a woman highly aroused and ready for intercourse, the man has to make use of his mouth and tongue to stimulate her womanhood.
And in some of your responses, you also mentioned the same thing. Now I imagined the thought and acted on it. And it seems to me dirty and irritating, considering the taste of the place and hygiene of taking such liquid into one’s stomach. Please brief me and as well clear my mind on the issue if it is a normal thing to do, especially in helping the woman to be ready. I want to be educated. And would not want my natural attitude to affect my married life later.
Inexperienced Boy.
Dear Inexperienced Boy,
There is nothing dirty or poisonous in being intimate with one’s spouse. Except the woman is naturally unhygienic, the actual scent of a woman is pure and enticing. It gives her a uniqueness that helps remind her man, wherever he may, of his woman.
Oral sex is part of the package in matrimony. When done in love, friendship and appreciation, it is a beautiful binding substance that acts as a shield, protection, and foundation during crises period in a marriage.
It enables the couple to build a well of emotional and communication reservoir that sets them apart from the crowd.
Whether we admit it or not, sex is a powerful tool in any marriage and every couple must device a means of using it to zeal any crack even before it begins to manifest. The essence of oral sex is underscored by the sensitive nature of the human body. Without the use of our fingers, tongue and imagination, the human emotion will remain at the its most primary level.
If lesser animals as shown by the various documentaries are in tune with the power of touch during their own mating period, human being the most intelligent animal on earth should therefore celebrate its importance at all times.
The entire skin area is an erotic canvass. However, it takes a careful exploration of the fingers to discover the high and low points of the skin as well as the individuality of one’s partner. The fingers are what remove fact from fiction. A lot of time, many couples assume to know the sensitive zones of their partners when in fact they lack knowledge of even the most basic. The fact that it is generally assumed that a particular area of a woman’s or a man’s body is very sensitive doesn’t mean it works for every man or woman. As a matter of fact some may find such areas very offensive. But only oral sex can give a clear clue into what works for a particular couple at all times.
This is because it is a more comprehensive way of integrating the mind and body.
Whatever your misgivings are now, it would go a long way in helping your marriage grow if you maintain an opened mind concerning the issue of sex.
Oral sex helps a woman to be ready to please her man. Without help from their men, most women would never be able to give their men satisfactory performance in the bedroom. The external organs of the man make it easier for him to attain arousal faster than the woman whose organs are within.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I‘m a young man of 30 years old and planning to settle down very soon. I have this confusing issue I would like you to help clear. My friends tell me that to get a woman highly aroused and ready for intercourse, the man has to make use of his mouth and tongue to stimulate her womanhood.
And in some of your responses, you also mentioned the same thing. Now I imagined the thought and acted on it. And it seems to me dirty and irritating, considering the taste of the place and hygiene of taking such liquid into one’s stomach. Please brief me and as well clear my mind on the issue if it is a normal thing to do, especially in helping the woman to be ready. I want to be educated. And would not want my natural attitude to affect my married life later.
Inexperienced Boy.
Dear Inexperienced Boy,
There is nothing dirty or poisonous in being intimate with one’s spouse. Except the woman is naturally unhygienic, the actual scent of a woman is pure and enticing. It gives her a uniqueness that helps remind her man, wherever he may, of his woman.
Oral sex is part of the package in matrimony. When done in love, friendship and appreciation, it is a beautiful binding substance that acts as a shield, protection, and foundation during crises period in a marriage.
It enables the couple to build a well of emotional and communication reservoir that sets them apart from the crowd.
Whether we admit it or not, sex is a powerful tool in any marriage and every couple must device a means of using it to zeal any crack even before it begins to manifest. The essence of oral sex is underscored by the sensitive nature of the human body. Without the use of our fingers, tongue and imagination, the human emotion will remain at the its most primary level.
If lesser animals as shown by the various documentaries are in tune with the power of touch during their own mating period, human being the most intelligent animal on earth should therefore celebrate its importance at all times.
The entire skin area is an erotic canvass. However, it takes a careful exploration of the fingers to discover the high and low points of the skin as well as the individuality of one’s partner. The fingers are what remove fact from fiction. A lot of time, many couples assume to know the sensitive zones of their partners when in fact they lack knowledge of even the most basic. The fact that it is generally assumed that a particular area of a woman’s or a man’s body is very sensitive doesn’t mean it works for every man or woman. As a matter of fact some may find such areas very offensive. But only oral sex can give a clear clue into what works for a particular couple at all times.
This is because it is a more comprehensive way of integrating the mind and body.
Whatever your misgivings are now, it would go a long way in helping your marriage grow if you maintain an opened mind concerning the issue of sex.
Oral sex helps a woman to be ready to please her man. Without help from their men, most women would never be able to give their men satisfactory performance in the bedroom. The external organs of the man make it easier for him to attain arousal faster than the woman whose organs are within.
Good luck
Long distant marriage and its inherent issues
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the way you handle issues that relate to relationships. I must confess God blessed you with this gift. Actually, I would be happy if you can help me with my own problem.
I live in Europe while my wife lives in Nigeria with her mother and my only son. The problem is that each time I have issues with her (my wife), she shouts at me and I’ve told her severally that I don’t like the way she shouts over the phone. Her mother is always supporting her and blaming me for everything. Consequently my wife has refused to change her ways.
The last time I visited Nigeria, we had a little problem at home, instead of finding a solution to the problem, my wife called her mother and her sister on the phone. When her mother arrived early in the morning, rather than find out what the problem is, she grabbed my shirt and slapped me the minute I opened the door for her.
Because of the problem it would cause in my marriage, I didn’t tell my family members about this incident.
Agatha, I love her so much but the love I have for her has been replaced with hate and revenge.
An issue came up while we were talking on the phone recently and she said she is fed up with the marriage. I don’t know if she said it out of anger but I am taking it seriously as I want to end the marriage as soon as possible.
Confused Hubby
Dear Confused Hubby,
Bad as the picture of your marriage appears to be, what is the other side? Are you sure you are not a problem too in this marriage? Why are you staying in Europe while your wife and son are in Nigeria? Are you living up to your responsibility as a father and a husband? What are her complains? Deep down, do you think they are valid or not serious enough to be given attention to? Why is she staying with her people and not your people? For how long did both of you date and how long have you been married? Has she always been like this or a recent development?
Marriage is a complex issue; one that requires utmost caution and wisdom to manage successfully. There is no way a marriage can degenerate to the level you have painted yours without an input from both of you. Granted, the fault maybe more on her side but you cannot exonerate yourself from what is happening in your marriage.
Although you didn’t say exactly what the issue is, chances are that your being away from each other is a major reason. Every woman wants to be by her husband especially a young woman. She is bound to be frustrated by your lack of presence in her life when she needs you or when your son starts acting funny. Being the one at home, your separation would affect her the more because she is the one that has to answer to malicious and embarrassing questions from people who would naturally wonder aloud when she is going to join you or the malicious kind from jealous friends who would ask her if sure you are not hiding something from her by her prolonged delay in joining you.
Being young and vulnerable to the various stories of what men and women who travel abroad are up to, she is bound to feel frustrated and edgy whenever you speak to each other on the phone. Don’t forget that while the permissiveness of the society favours you to engage in extra marital affairs, she dare not. So her anger and dissatisfaction with the current arrangement is transferred to you on the phone. Granted she maybe handling it wrongly but the fact remains that you should also consider her feelings and reasons. Ignore whatever her actions are telling you and listen to the message within.
Her mother is having all the advantage in the world to encourage her to misbehave because you unwittingly gave her the opportunity to do so. Once a woman gets married, she leaves her family nest to begin one of her own in her husband’s house. Her being away from you has made her more dependent on her mother and siblings especially as they are the ones accommodating her and your baby.
Frankly, there is no way these people will not continue to influence your marriage as long as she lives with them. There is no way you can claim authority over her because she doesn’t live under an accommodation of her own. You have to either ask her to go to your family or get her an accommodation of her own to wean her from the excessive control of her mother.
In the house you pay for, you can read out your rules, moderate the kind of interference you want in your marriage. Until you are ready to take full charge of your marriage, you will continue to experience the insolence and abuse of your mother-in-law.
Leaving your wife with them has exposed your vulnerability and weakness as a man to them. A little bit of distance between friends and family gives birth to premium respect. In a way, you exposed yourself to this. It is either a man is married or not. If you had taken charge of your marriage, she wouldn’t have been exposed fully to the challenge you are having in your marriage at all. And there is no way she would have dared come into your house to slap you; having been exposed to the measure of your ability by the reason of her housing your wife and son, she has figured you out hence the audacity of her action.
Now is the time for you to stamp your authority in this marriage. One of the ways to do this is to try to get the loyalty and respect of your wife. If you haven’t told her precisely what the situation is with you in your host country, please confide whatever challenges you are facing there. Let her know why she is still living in Nigeria and you living in Europe. If you have done it before, do it again. Don’t pretend life is rosy when it is not. Give her the choice to make up her mind by laying bare the facts concerning your well-being in your host country.
One of the reasons for her mother’s behaviour may not be unconnected with failed aspirations. To the average person in Nigeria, people who stay abroad are considered very comfortable. If you are therefore not meeting with the demands and expectations of your in-laws, chances are they would regret your association with their daughter and do everything to make you leave her so that someone who has enough money can come into her life.
If her mother was getting enough money from you, she won’t be rude and nasty to you. There is the need for you to correct the impression they have of your stay abroad. Let your wife know the financial challenges you are going through. I sense you are not being very truthful to them concerning your prospect in your host country. Let them know you are struggling and may not be in the position to meet all their financial challenges. Once your wife is aware that you don’t pick money on the streets of London, there is the tendency for her to cut down on some expectations from you.
Like I mentioned earlier, get an apartment for your wife. Tell her you want her and your son to move into a place you paid for; you would feel better knowing that she has the independence as a married woman to make her decisions. If anyone must stay with her, let it be someone from your own side of the family. In doing this, ensure she understands your limitation and what you hope to achieve for now.
Until she has the opportunity of living outside her family, she would never develop the maturity of handling her affairs without rushing to her mother or sister for solution.
As for her mother, your only business with her is respect because she is the mother of the woman you married; nothing more. The next time you have a disagreement with your wife and your mother-in-law tries to intervene, politely remind her that you and your wife are having a domestic problem and would appreciate if you are both left alone to resolve whatever the issue is.
Whatever your reasons for living apart from your wife, ensure it is resolved as soon as possible. Your marriage is still too young for both of you to live apart. This is the time your marriage needs bonding and stability. There is no way you can bond or be stable if you are living millions of miles away from her.
Your marriage and son are the unfortunate victims of this arrangement. If she says she is fed up, it may not be of you but of the situation that is forcing the two of you from living together.
Even if you divorce her and marry another woman, if the circumstances persist, you will face the same challenges from her.
The time has come for you to put your marriage into serious considerations. You must act before it is too late to save your marriage from collapse. There is a limit to what a marriage can tolerate.
Good luck.
Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the way you handle issues that relate to relationships. I must confess God blessed you with this gift. Actually, I would be happy if you can help me with my own problem.
I live in Europe while my wife lives in Nigeria with her mother and my only son. The problem is that each time I have issues with her (my wife), she shouts at me and I’ve told her severally that I don’t like the way she shouts over the phone. Her mother is always supporting her and blaming me for everything. Consequently my wife has refused to change her ways.
The last time I visited Nigeria, we had a little problem at home, instead of finding a solution to the problem, my wife called her mother and her sister on the phone. When her mother arrived early in the morning, rather than find out what the problem is, she grabbed my shirt and slapped me the minute I opened the door for her.
Because of the problem it would cause in my marriage, I didn’t tell my family members about this incident.
Agatha, I love her so much but the love I have for her has been replaced with hate and revenge.
An issue came up while we were talking on the phone recently and she said she is fed up with the marriage. I don’t know if she said it out of anger but I am taking it seriously as I want to end the marriage as soon as possible.
Confused Hubby
Dear Confused Hubby,
Bad as the picture of your marriage appears to be, what is the other side? Are you sure you are not a problem too in this marriage? Why are you staying in Europe while your wife and son are in Nigeria? Are you living up to your responsibility as a father and a husband? What are her complains? Deep down, do you think they are valid or not serious enough to be given attention to? Why is she staying with her people and not your people? For how long did both of you date and how long have you been married? Has she always been like this or a recent development?
Marriage is a complex issue; one that requires utmost caution and wisdom to manage successfully. There is no way a marriage can degenerate to the level you have painted yours without an input from both of you. Granted, the fault maybe more on her side but you cannot exonerate yourself from what is happening in your marriage.
Although you didn’t say exactly what the issue is, chances are that your being away from each other is a major reason. Every woman wants to be by her husband especially a young woman. She is bound to be frustrated by your lack of presence in her life when she needs you or when your son starts acting funny. Being the one at home, your separation would affect her the more because she is the one that has to answer to malicious and embarrassing questions from people who would naturally wonder aloud when she is going to join you or the malicious kind from jealous friends who would ask her if sure you are not hiding something from her by her prolonged delay in joining you.
Being young and vulnerable to the various stories of what men and women who travel abroad are up to, she is bound to feel frustrated and edgy whenever you speak to each other on the phone. Don’t forget that while the permissiveness of the society favours you to engage in extra marital affairs, she dare not. So her anger and dissatisfaction with the current arrangement is transferred to you on the phone. Granted she maybe handling it wrongly but the fact remains that you should also consider her feelings and reasons. Ignore whatever her actions are telling you and listen to the message within.
Her mother is having all the advantage in the world to encourage her to misbehave because you unwittingly gave her the opportunity to do so. Once a woman gets married, she leaves her family nest to begin one of her own in her husband’s house. Her being away from you has made her more dependent on her mother and siblings especially as they are the ones accommodating her and your baby.
Frankly, there is no way these people will not continue to influence your marriage as long as she lives with them. There is no way you can claim authority over her because she doesn’t live under an accommodation of her own. You have to either ask her to go to your family or get her an accommodation of her own to wean her from the excessive control of her mother.
In the house you pay for, you can read out your rules, moderate the kind of interference you want in your marriage. Until you are ready to take full charge of your marriage, you will continue to experience the insolence and abuse of your mother-in-law.
Leaving your wife with them has exposed your vulnerability and weakness as a man to them. A little bit of distance between friends and family gives birth to premium respect. In a way, you exposed yourself to this. It is either a man is married or not. If you had taken charge of your marriage, she wouldn’t have been exposed fully to the challenge you are having in your marriage at all. And there is no way she would have dared come into your house to slap you; having been exposed to the measure of your ability by the reason of her housing your wife and son, she has figured you out hence the audacity of her action.
Now is the time for you to stamp your authority in this marriage. One of the ways to do this is to try to get the loyalty and respect of your wife. If you haven’t told her precisely what the situation is with you in your host country, please confide whatever challenges you are facing there. Let her know why she is still living in Nigeria and you living in Europe. If you have done it before, do it again. Don’t pretend life is rosy when it is not. Give her the choice to make up her mind by laying bare the facts concerning your well-being in your host country.
One of the reasons for her mother’s behaviour may not be unconnected with failed aspirations. To the average person in Nigeria, people who stay abroad are considered very comfortable. If you are therefore not meeting with the demands and expectations of your in-laws, chances are they would regret your association with their daughter and do everything to make you leave her so that someone who has enough money can come into her life.
If her mother was getting enough money from you, she won’t be rude and nasty to you. There is the need for you to correct the impression they have of your stay abroad. Let your wife know the financial challenges you are going through. I sense you are not being very truthful to them concerning your prospect in your host country. Let them know you are struggling and may not be in the position to meet all their financial challenges. Once your wife is aware that you don’t pick money on the streets of London, there is the tendency for her to cut down on some expectations from you.
Like I mentioned earlier, get an apartment for your wife. Tell her you want her and your son to move into a place you paid for; you would feel better knowing that she has the independence as a married woman to make her decisions. If anyone must stay with her, let it be someone from your own side of the family. In doing this, ensure she understands your limitation and what you hope to achieve for now.
Until she has the opportunity of living outside her family, she would never develop the maturity of handling her affairs without rushing to her mother or sister for solution.
As for her mother, your only business with her is respect because she is the mother of the woman you married; nothing more. The next time you have a disagreement with your wife and your mother-in-law tries to intervene, politely remind her that you and your wife are having a domestic problem and would appreciate if you are both left alone to resolve whatever the issue is.
Whatever your reasons for living apart from your wife, ensure it is resolved as soon as possible. Your marriage is still too young for both of you to live apart. This is the time your marriage needs bonding and stability. There is no way you can bond or be stable if you are living millions of miles away from her.
Your marriage and son are the unfortunate victims of this arrangement. If she says she is fed up, it may not be of you but of the situation that is forcing the two of you from living together.
Even if you divorce her and marry another woman, if the circumstances persist, you will face the same challenges from her.
The time has come for you to put your marriage into serious considerations. You must act before it is too late to save your marriage from collapse. There is a limit to what a marriage can tolerate.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
She wants our wedding shelved till after her NYSC…
Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a 26-year-old economist with a good job. I am involved with this girl, 21 years and in her final year. We met a year ago and looking forward to our wedding. We also made a vow not to have sex until after our wedding ceremony. Sincerely, I’ve been under pressure from my parents who insist everything should be completed by December. Her mother was a good friend of mine before she died last year. Her daddy is too stern to talk about her marriage. I am also constantly being tempted by the female folks around me. Things aren’t getting better.
Recently, my girlfriend came back from school with a change of plan. She demanded we shelve our wedding plans until she comes back from her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year, which would be around 2013. Reason, she doesn’t want people to say she’s hurrying. All attempts to make her see that people’s opinion is not the standard for life have not yielded much result.
I find it difficult to continue this way. Don’t know what to do. Should I keep her or go ahead and pick another girl? I really love this girl and don’t want to lose her. Someone suggested abstaining from sex before marriage is old fashioned. Could that be what’s playing up here?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
The real question is: are you both really in this relationship because you are truly in love with each other or coaxed into it by the relationship between your mothers?
You can only have a meaningful relationship if your feelings for each other come from your hearts, if your love for each other is deep and truthful. There is no way she would have the same kind of commitment you expect from a woman you want to marry if she is doing out of a sense of duty to the memory of her late mother.
Secondly at 21, marriage may not be what she wants from life now. Asking you to defer your plans until she comes back from her service year is to give her time to be sure before committing herself to you finally.
Accede to her demands because at the end of the day, it would help both of you determine what is of importance to you now. Don’t get married because your parents are pressurising you into it, do it because you have found the right woman and are convinced that it is what you want to do.
The fact that you are already contemplating replacing her with one of the women around you is worrisome and to a large extent justifies the nagging fears of this young woman.
Then replacing her with another woman, if she doesn’t fall into your plans, should not have been the first thing on your mind. A more matured man and one who is in love would opt for discussions as well as compromises. You would have listened to her reasons, fears and given her all the assurances she is silently asking for. Rather than think of dropping her for another woman, what you should have found out from her is why she is developing cold feet.
If you really are thinking of marriage now, you still have a long way to go in the handling of a woman and her concomitant emotions.
Marriage is about discussions, sacrifices, selflessness as well as support. No major earthquake would happen if you don’t marry her immediately. Don’t make it look as if you are forcing her into marrying you. You may be ready but she isn’t. There is no way you can ever enjoy marriage to her in this state.
Ideally a bride to be happy with the choice of her heart would not want distance to separate her from her man, would do everything possible to ensure she is posted close to her man. Insisting she goes away from you for a while should alert you that all isn’t well with your plans for each other. A young lady who recently lost her mother would be more than happy to be with her man.
Take your cue from her, and do a deep thinking. Ensure you are not living the dreams of your parents but yours. Also reflect on your feelings for her as well as your true readiness to be a married man.
This isn’t your parents’ dream but yours. As a man ready for marriage you should, by now, know what you want as well as the boldness to declare it to anybody. It could be her source of concern that you are not man enough to manage your own home.
She could be afraid she is marrying your parents and not you. Her demand is for you to be sure. Engage her in a deep and thought provoking discussion. At his critical stage, don’t be afraid to bring up an issue that you are not comfortable with.
Ignore your friend. Everything doesn’t have to boil down to sex or lack of it. The issue at hand is more serious than the trivial issue of whether or not you are sleeping with her. You would be insulting her person, her reasons and your integrity as a man if you follow the thinking of your friend. The issue at hand is more serious than that.
It is always best to spend extra time getting the right texture and heat for a gold than rush the process and come out with a very sorry result. Marriage is premium gold that requires the patience and craft of the goldsmith to get it right. Patience is time consuming. In your shoes, I would let her go for her service year. Don’t be afraid if she were yours, she would definitely come back to you with so much happiness and enthusiasm to spend the rest of her life with you. The things we treasure the most are those things that demand more sacrifices from us.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a 26-year-old economist with a good job. I am involved with this girl, 21 years and in her final year. We met a year ago and looking forward to our wedding. We also made a vow not to have sex until after our wedding ceremony. Sincerely, I’ve been under pressure from my parents who insist everything should be completed by December. Her mother was a good friend of mine before she died last year. Her daddy is too stern to talk about her marriage. I am also constantly being tempted by the female folks around me. Things aren’t getting better.
Recently, my girlfriend came back from school with a change of plan. She demanded we shelve our wedding plans until she comes back from her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year, which would be around 2013. Reason, she doesn’t want people to say she’s hurrying. All attempts to make her see that people’s opinion is not the standard for life have not yielded much result.
I find it difficult to continue this way. Don’t know what to do. Should I keep her or go ahead and pick another girl? I really love this girl and don’t want to lose her. Someone suggested abstaining from sex before marriage is old fashioned. Could that be what’s playing up here?
Concerned Man.
Dear Concerned Man,
The real question is: are you both really in this relationship because you are truly in love with each other or coaxed into it by the relationship between your mothers?
You can only have a meaningful relationship if your feelings for each other come from your hearts, if your love for each other is deep and truthful. There is no way she would have the same kind of commitment you expect from a woman you want to marry if she is doing out of a sense of duty to the memory of her late mother.
Secondly at 21, marriage may not be what she wants from life now. Asking you to defer your plans until she comes back from her service year is to give her time to be sure before committing herself to you finally.
Accede to her demands because at the end of the day, it would help both of you determine what is of importance to you now. Don’t get married because your parents are pressurising you into it, do it because you have found the right woman and are convinced that it is what you want to do.
The fact that you are already contemplating replacing her with one of the women around you is worrisome and to a large extent justifies the nagging fears of this young woman.
Then replacing her with another woman, if she doesn’t fall into your plans, should not have been the first thing on your mind. A more matured man and one who is in love would opt for discussions as well as compromises. You would have listened to her reasons, fears and given her all the assurances she is silently asking for. Rather than think of dropping her for another woman, what you should have found out from her is why she is developing cold feet.
If you really are thinking of marriage now, you still have a long way to go in the handling of a woman and her concomitant emotions.
Marriage is about discussions, sacrifices, selflessness as well as support. No major earthquake would happen if you don’t marry her immediately. Don’t make it look as if you are forcing her into marrying you. You may be ready but she isn’t. There is no way you can ever enjoy marriage to her in this state.
Ideally a bride to be happy with the choice of her heart would not want distance to separate her from her man, would do everything possible to ensure she is posted close to her man. Insisting she goes away from you for a while should alert you that all isn’t well with your plans for each other. A young lady who recently lost her mother would be more than happy to be with her man.
Take your cue from her, and do a deep thinking. Ensure you are not living the dreams of your parents but yours. Also reflect on your feelings for her as well as your true readiness to be a married man.
This isn’t your parents’ dream but yours. As a man ready for marriage you should, by now, know what you want as well as the boldness to declare it to anybody. It could be her source of concern that you are not man enough to manage your own home.
She could be afraid she is marrying your parents and not you. Her demand is for you to be sure. Engage her in a deep and thought provoking discussion. At his critical stage, don’t be afraid to bring up an issue that you are not comfortable with.
Ignore your friend. Everything doesn’t have to boil down to sex or lack of it. The issue at hand is more serious than the trivial issue of whether or not you are sleeping with her. You would be insulting her person, her reasons and your integrity as a man if you follow the thinking of your friend. The issue at hand is more serious than that.
It is always best to spend extra time getting the right texture and heat for a gold than rush the process and come out with a very sorry result. Marriage is premium gold that requires the patience and craft of the goldsmith to get it right. Patience is time consuming. In your shoes, I would let her go for her service year. Don’t be afraid if she were yours, she would definitely come back to you with so much happiness and enthusiasm to spend the rest of her life with you. The things we treasure the most are those things that demand more sacrifices from us.
Good luck.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Badly need man, but he’s younger, widower
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Sincerely, I always appreciate the gift of God in your life.
I would like to seek your opinion on this matter. I am a Christian lady who has been praying for who to marry for years now. I will clock 40 this year. I have total assurance that this is my year.
At the beginning of this year, an old man who had been separated from his wife approached me for marriage, which I totally disagree to.
Not quite long, a friend introduced me to a brother who told me many things about his past, he is also separated from his wife although younger than I am, but he doesn’t know because I am blessed with fine looks.
He hasn’t taken legal step to terminate the marriage, but has plans to do so. His wife started misbehaving because she couldn’t conceive after three years of marriage and eventually left him.
The Bible says male and female He created them from the beginning. A man shall leave his father and mother not his former wife.
My friend is definite I will not have problem with him. Could that be my male?
Rinsola
Dear Rinsola,
How honest are you to yourself? If at 40 you don’t have an idea of what you want from life when will you?
Are you considering this man because he is younger than the old man? If your reason for not marrying the first man is because he is separated from his wife shouldn’t this younger man also be disqualified by you also?
Frankly, you will never know the will of God for you until you are prepared to be straightforward.
To help yourself find happiness, answer this question. Is your reservation because the Bible as you quoted hates divorce or because you are choosy?
First and foremost, even though the Bible is against divorce, it also goes ahead to give condition on which a couple can divorce. It says when a person marries an unbeliever and that person decides to go, the one left behind can remarry as long as he or she marries a believer. So there are conditions attached to everything we do in this world.
The journey of life is one that requires godly wisdom to navigate to safety. The Bible is such a complete book that requires so much understanding and intimacy with its author to comprehend as well as appreciate.
You don’t have age on your side and if you haven’t told the truth to yourself before, this is the time for you to begin to look at the many mistakes you have made along the road.
It is either you have made up your mind not to entertain a divorcee at all because of your religious beliefs or do yourself a world of good by being factual with your situation and choices.
A wise woman would not just dismiss these guys but would listen to their reasons for their divorce. What happened between the marriages of these men and their wives? The gospel truth about life is that not every marriage would work, because at the time of their conception, God wasn’t invited into it. A lot of couples got married for the wrong reasons and if they are not smart enough to go back to God for assistance in mending the wrong bends, such marriages will eventually collapse.
Find out what the situation is between these men and the women they were once married to. Ask questions to find out where the fault came from as well as the chances of reconciliation between these men and their estrange wives.
If there is a chance that both of them may come back, don’t venture into it. But if the separation is conclusive and the man has the support of his children to remarry, you could consider it as long as you have prayed about it.
Furthermore you must learn to tell the truth at all times. From your mail, it is obvious that the younger man has stirred something inside of you and that you are secretly considering him even though he is a divorcee. However, it would be unfair to go into anything with him without telling him the truth about your age. Give him the right to decide whether he would still go ahead with you or not. Your friend could be right that you would not have problems with him, but if you begin your relationship on a note of untruths or half truths, there is no way you won’t have problems with him.
If you deceive him into going into a relationship without telling him your actual age, chances are he would eventually leave you more hurt and disillusioned.
Irrespective of how young you may look, fact is you are older than he is. So do the right thing by telling him how old you really are. Honestly, if he eventually finds out that you lied about your age, he would find it very difficult to trust you again. Without trust no relationship can survive the accompanying challenges of two strangers coming together.
One of the important lessons of life is to admit to your weakness and strength at all times. Don’t follow the bandwagon if it doesn’t work for you. Learn to stand to be counted on the side of your strength at all time to avoid being blamed for doing what you think is right. You have to learn the uniqueness that is you to avoid irreparable damage down the road. Listen more to that tiny voice inside of you than the cacophony around you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Sincerely, I always appreciate the gift of God in your life.
I would like to seek your opinion on this matter. I am a Christian lady who has been praying for who to marry for years now. I will clock 40 this year. I have total assurance that this is my year.
At the beginning of this year, an old man who had been separated from his wife approached me for marriage, which I totally disagree to.
Not quite long, a friend introduced me to a brother who told me many things about his past, he is also separated from his wife although younger than I am, but he doesn’t know because I am blessed with fine looks.
He hasn’t taken legal step to terminate the marriage, but has plans to do so. His wife started misbehaving because she couldn’t conceive after three years of marriage and eventually left him.
The Bible says male and female He created them from the beginning. A man shall leave his father and mother not his former wife.
My friend is definite I will not have problem with him. Could that be my male?
Rinsola
Dear Rinsola,
How honest are you to yourself? If at 40 you don’t have an idea of what you want from life when will you?
Are you considering this man because he is younger than the old man? If your reason for not marrying the first man is because he is separated from his wife shouldn’t this younger man also be disqualified by you also?
Frankly, you will never know the will of God for you until you are prepared to be straightforward.
To help yourself find happiness, answer this question. Is your reservation because the Bible as you quoted hates divorce or because you are choosy?
First and foremost, even though the Bible is against divorce, it also goes ahead to give condition on which a couple can divorce. It says when a person marries an unbeliever and that person decides to go, the one left behind can remarry as long as he or she marries a believer. So there are conditions attached to everything we do in this world.
The journey of life is one that requires godly wisdom to navigate to safety. The Bible is such a complete book that requires so much understanding and intimacy with its author to comprehend as well as appreciate.
You don’t have age on your side and if you haven’t told the truth to yourself before, this is the time for you to begin to look at the many mistakes you have made along the road.
It is either you have made up your mind not to entertain a divorcee at all because of your religious beliefs or do yourself a world of good by being factual with your situation and choices.
A wise woman would not just dismiss these guys but would listen to their reasons for their divorce. What happened between the marriages of these men and their wives? The gospel truth about life is that not every marriage would work, because at the time of their conception, God wasn’t invited into it. A lot of couples got married for the wrong reasons and if they are not smart enough to go back to God for assistance in mending the wrong bends, such marriages will eventually collapse.
Find out what the situation is between these men and the women they were once married to. Ask questions to find out where the fault came from as well as the chances of reconciliation between these men and their estrange wives.
If there is a chance that both of them may come back, don’t venture into it. But if the separation is conclusive and the man has the support of his children to remarry, you could consider it as long as you have prayed about it.
Furthermore you must learn to tell the truth at all times. From your mail, it is obvious that the younger man has stirred something inside of you and that you are secretly considering him even though he is a divorcee. However, it would be unfair to go into anything with him without telling him the truth about your age. Give him the right to decide whether he would still go ahead with you or not. Your friend could be right that you would not have problems with him, but if you begin your relationship on a note of untruths or half truths, there is no way you won’t have problems with him.
If you deceive him into going into a relationship without telling him your actual age, chances are he would eventually leave you more hurt and disillusioned.
Irrespective of how young you may look, fact is you are older than he is. So do the right thing by telling him how old you really are. Honestly, if he eventually finds out that you lied about your age, he would find it very difficult to trust you again. Without trust no relationship can survive the accompanying challenges of two strangers coming together.
One of the important lessons of life is to admit to your weakness and strength at all times. Don’t follow the bandwagon if it doesn’t work for you. Learn to stand to be counted on the side of your strength at all time to avoid being blamed for doing what you think is right. You have to learn the uniqueness that is you to avoid irreparable damage down the road. Listen more to that tiny voice inside of you than the cacophony around you.
Good luck.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Do I need to marry again?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I became a widow at an early age. Due of my experiences after the death of my husband I am scared of remarrying. Do you think it is better I remain single with my baby or remarry? And secondly I lack what it takes to love another man that comes my way. What should I do?
Worried Widow.
Dear Worried Widow,
Widowhood on its own is traumatic, and in our society has been made more painful by the treatment given to the bereaved woman from the deceased family.
To dwell on this is to shortchange yourself and deny your child of the benefit of having a stable father figure in life. Also, you would be giving your accusers every reason to continue to torment you.
The fact that your husband died early doesn’t mean you have allowed your happiness and that of your child to die with him. There is no way you would have prevented his death. So don’t allow guilt and what people would say stop you from being happy.
Only the living lives life. He got down from the bus of life at his designated bus stop. Even if you had offered him your life, there is no changing what God has ordained.
Refusing to marry would not bring him back just as marrying another man won’t erase his memory from your heart and life. That time you shared with him would remain indelible. He place in your heart would never be taken by another man.
Apart from the gift of that child, your history will never be completed without a mention of him. He would forever remain special in your life.
But life didn’t plan for both of you to spend your entire lives together. You have been separated by death, and live you must. In your shoes, he too would consider remarrying after sometime. So don’t feel you are betraying him by living again.
You may not need a man for now, but after a while you definitely would need the companionship of a man in your life. It would also get to a point you would need more than sex from a man. Having been married before you would eventually want marriage all over again. Don’t forget that you didn’t plan separation, it happened because you lost your husband to death.
Not many women can live without a man in their lives. Your child may for now give you all the comfort you need but won’t always be there for you. That child has a life and would one day leave the nest.
It is that day you must begin to plan towards so you don’t become an over possessive, become a hindrance rather than a blessing to this child. Chances are if you don’t plan a life of your own outside this child, you would be. It is always very difficult especially for a single mother to let an only child go.
Understandably you feel this way because you are still hurting for your loss and the death of not just your husband but of all the dreams you shared. It is healthy for you to feel this way, normal for you to want to reject other men, but it would be unhealthy to cocoon yourself forever in the memories of yesterday.
Brutal as this may sound, that yesterday is gone forever. It would never come back to you. All you have are memories, cherished ones indeed!
And if uncertainty is your fear because of the bitter experiences you went through in the hands of your in-laws, these things are normal. If you were the one that died, your people too are bound to ask questions. Therefore don’t take whatever they did to heart. They have every right to demand answers to unanswered questions concerning the death and otherwise of their child. You would too if anything happens to your child. You lost a husband; they lost a child. Like you their pains would never completely heal. At least you can remarry, but there is no one that can replace him in their lives.
You need to move forward. However, don’t rush yourself into anything. Take each day as it comes. Ensure you are reasonably healed since there is no way you can ever be completely healed before allowing another man into your life.
Take each day as it comes. Allow it to be a gradual process until you are sure of him. Although this may be a little bit difficult considering you are a matured woman, used to having sex on demand, but be careful you don’t allow sex to be the prime reason for any relationship to avoid more emotional injury to yourself.
Above all, get closer to God to send a man who would not just love you but also accept your child as his.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I became a widow at an early age. Due of my experiences after the death of my husband I am scared of remarrying. Do you think it is better I remain single with my baby or remarry? And secondly I lack what it takes to love another man that comes my way. What should I do?
Worried Widow.
Dear Worried Widow,
Widowhood on its own is traumatic, and in our society has been made more painful by the treatment given to the bereaved woman from the deceased family.
To dwell on this is to shortchange yourself and deny your child of the benefit of having a stable father figure in life. Also, you would be giving your accusers every reason to continue to torment you.
The fact that your husband died early doesn’t mean you have allowed your happiness and that of your child to die with him. There is no way you would have prevented his death. So don’t allow guilt and what people would say stop you from being happy.
Only the living lives life. He got down from the bus of life at his designated bus stop. Even if you had offered him your life, there is no changing what God has ordained.
Refusing to marry would not bring him back just as marrying another man won’t erase his memory from your heart and life. That time you shared with him would remain indelible. He place in your heart would never be taken by another man.
Apart from the gift of that child, your history will never be completed without a mention of him. He would forever remain special in your life.
But life didn’t plan for both of you to spend your entire lives together. You have been separated by death, and live you must. In your shoes, he too would consider remarrying after sometime. So don’t feel you are betraying him by living again.
You may not need a man for now, but after a while you definitely would need the companionship of a man in your life. It would also get to a point you would need more than sex from a man. Having been married before you would eventually want marriage all over again. Don’t forget that you didn’t plan separation, it happened because you lost your husband to death.
Not many women can live without a man in their lives. Your child may for now give you all the comfort you need but won’t always be there for you. That child has a life and would one day leave the nest.
It is that day you must begin to plan towards so you don’t become an over possessive, become a hindrance rather than a blessing to this child. Chances are if you don’t plan a life of your own outside this child, you would be. It is always very difficult especially for a single mother to let an only child go.
Understandably you feel this way because you are still hurting for your loss and the death of not just your husband but of all the dreams you shared. It is healthy for you to feel this way, normal for you to want to reject other men, but it would be unhealthy to cocoon yourself forever in the memories of yesterday.
Brutal as this may sound, that yesterday is gone forever. It would never come back to you. All you have are memories, cherished ones indeed!
And if uncertainty is your fear because of the bitter experiences you went through in the hands of your in-laws, these things are normal. If you were the one that died, your people too are bound to ask questions. Therefore don’t take whatever they did to heart. They have every right to demand answers to unanswered questions concerning the death and otherwise of their child. You would too if anything happens to your child. You lost a husband; they lost a child. Like you their pains would never completely heal. At least you can remarry, but there is no one that can replace him in their lives.
You need to move forward. However, don’t rush yourself into anything. Take each day as it comes. Ensure you are reasonably healed since there is no way you can ever be completely healed before allowing another man into your life.
Take each day as it comes. Allow it to be a gradual process until you are sure of him. Although this may be a little bit difficult considering you are a matured woman, used to having sex on demand, but be careful you don’t allow sex to be the prime reason for any relationship to avoid more emotional injury to yourself.
Above all, get closer to God to send a man who would not just love you but also accept your child as his.
Good luck.
The place of intimacy and fasting in marriage
Marriage Clinic With Agatha Edo Email: gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Is it right for my husband to kick me out of the house because I refused to have sex with him while fasting for the well being of the family? It was only for 21 days. The painful thing is that my pastor blames me for not being wise enough. He said I should have given in to his demands when he wanted to have sex with me.
I don’t know what to do anymore as my husband insists that I should marry my religion.
What should I do?
Dear Agatha,
What normal woman would abandon her home for the church under the guise of fasting, prayers and night vigils? For three weeks now my wife hasn’t been sleeping at home because they have a special programme and vigil in church.
I have tried to reason with her but she is adamant. She even thinks I am behind her problem. I really don’t know what kind of problem she has that would make her take permanent residence in the church. I am seriously considering ending this marriage and looking for another woman who would always be available for me.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is using the excuse of our 21-day fasting programme as excuse for impregnating the house-help. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Readers,
These letters are real and not figment of my imagination. They all point to the emotional and religious struggles in most of our homes when the woman thinks spiritualism and the man emotionalism. When the man thinks his rights as husband are being denied and the woman thinks the man is unreasonable not to know that her action is for the general good of the family.
Vigils and fasting have become the order of the day. Unfortunately an exercise meant to protect the marriage and the people in it from problems is turning out to be a major source of marital conflicts, some serious enough to lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
From the tones of these letters, men and women have different views on the subject of fasting and sex that it is almost impossible for a truce to be brokered; unless of course the matter comes to a head.
Due to the many questions and letters like these about the place of sex and fasting in marriage, I have decided to go into clinic today.
To get a very good understanding of this issue, it is important we get a clear view on the reason for marriage.
Right from the beginning, God made it clear that two shall become one and that what He has brought together, no man should put asunder; that once a man or woman gets married; his or her body automatically becomes the property of his or her partner.
To ensure smooth running of the home, He put the man in charge while the woman’s role is to give support at all times to her husband. Therefore a woman must at all times consider the consequence of her action on her husband or marriage.
Support could be spiritual, physical, emotional as well as financial.
One of the cardinal reasons is for the purpose of procreation. Unlike lesser animals who have the freedom to engage in the act that leads to procreation without restrictions, the human being must go through legal and customary process to enjoy the gift of sex. Unfortunately, men generally still retain this basic animalistic instinct; the one that gets them going by the sight of an attractive female. While a woman has the ability to endure for days, most men cannot do without the company of a woman for more than two days.
This is because sex comes with so much more than the average man can imagine. God being who He is, is aware of the influence and pleasure of sex He is also aware of the consequences of free sex hence the need for a man and woman to first legalise their feelings before having sex.
Although sex is physical, it represents a spiritual covenant between a man and woman because of the fluid passed from one to the other as well as the seed of life that comes from it. In addition, it also satisfies the hunger of flesh in every man or woman not sworn to celibacy.
Therefore, sex represents the lifeline of every marriage. Without good sex, a marriage, no matter how compatible the couple appears, would eventually go down the drain due to emotional pressures.
The potency of sex in marriage can never be overemphasised. For a lot of people, it is what makes or mars a marriage. Sex is the candle that lights up the marriage, the gum that glues as well as the mender that mends the marriage.
For the average man and woman, sex is like a life giving oxygen; it has become a leisure sport for both young and old. Its popularity is such that it has almost become old fashioned for a young lady to marry as a virgin or for a man to remain faithful to his vows.
The permissiveness of the society makes it very easy for the man to hop freely from one woman to the other like a social butterfly in his quest for the excitement sex offers. The woman on the other hand is expected to do everything within her powers not to give her man an excuse to look outside the home. Unfortunately, sex has become so common place that children not yet in their teens are already engaged in it.
It has become the opium that the entire human race is dependent on. Despite attempts to play down on its influence, it has not only continued to dig the graves of most marriages but also at hand to say its requiem mass.
This is why wise married women do everything to ensure, that their men don’t stray, of tempted to find solace in the arms of another woman by being always available when the man comes demanding for his rights.
However, religion and its demands are now conflicting with the limitless access God gave to married couples to have sex on demand.
Increasingly, married men are complaining of neglect by their wives. Chiefly among complains is that women are using religious practices like prayer and fasting to deny them of their rights at home.
On the surface, sex and religion are a strange mix but, when viewed from the point that we are all products of somebody’s sex life and decision, plus the fact that every natural creation around the world evolves from the act of procreation, it then follows that it cannot be separated from religion.
Marriage itself flourishes under the influence of sex. A childless marriage is considered a failure and for a marriage to be considered fruitful, it must produce children.
While a marriage can survive without religion, it cannot survive without sex. Sex was decreed into marriage by God Himself when He instructed Adam and Eve to go into the world and procreate.
Therefore any woman who places fasting and prayers above her role as a wife to her husband, risks losing her value in her husband’s house. Men by nature are turned on by sight and if not getting attention from his wife can easily be distracted by another woman.
This is why fasting must not be used by any woman to deny her husband of his rights. In the night, after prayers, a married woman has the freedom to be intimate with her husband if he demands it else she exposes him to undue temptation from other women.
A wise woman should be able to marry her spiritual responsibilities to her home with her physical duties. It would be an effort in futility if after all her prayers and night vigils, she comes back home to meet another woman in her place.
Even where permission has been given by the man for his wife to precede on her fasting programme, once he changes his mind about letting her be, she should discontinue. This won’t stop God from hearing her prayers since He ordained the first marriage on earth.
Any woman who embarks on a religious programme to the detriment of her home risks losing everything. When a woman denies her husband access to her body, she makes him and her home very vulnerable to a woman on the prowl. A man on heat is beyond reason and would have done it before thinking of the consequences of his act.
A testimony should accompany every religious programme but in a situation where it ends in tears and regrets, wisdom is required. Only a wise woman knows that as second in command in the family set up, her religion is tied to her commander, in-chief’s happiness and the peace of her home.
Dear Agatha,
Is it right for my husband to kick me out of the house because I refused to have sex with him while fasting for the well being of the family? It was only for 21 days. The painful thing is that my pastor blames me for not being wise enough. He said I should have given in to his demands when he wanted to have sex with me.
I don’t know what to do anymore as my husband insists that I should marry my religion.
What should I do?
Dear Agatha,
What normal woman would abandon her home for the church under the guise of fasting, prayers and night vigils? For three weeks now my wife hasn’t been sleeping at home because they have a special programme and vigil in church.
I have tried to reason with her but she is adamant. She even thinks I am behind her problem. I really don’t know what kind of problem she has that would make her take permanent residence in the church. I am seriously considering ending this marriage and looking for another woman who would always be available for me.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is using the excuse of our 21-day fasting programme as excuse for impregnating the house-help. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Readers,
These letters are real and not figment of my imagination. They all point to the emotional and religious struggles in most of our homes when the woman thinks spiritualism and the man emotionalism. When the man thinks his rights as husband are being denied and the woman thinks the man is unreasonable not to know that her action is for the general good of the family.
Vigils and fasting have become the order of the day. Unfortunately an exercise meant to protect the marriage and the people in it from problems is turning out to be a major source of marital conflicts, some serious enough to lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
From the tones of these letters, men and women have different views on the subject of fasting and sex that it is almost impossible for a truce to be brokered; unless of course the matter comes to a head.
Due to the many questions and letters like these about the place of sex and fasting in marriage, I have decided to go into clinic today.
To get a very good understanding of this issue, it is important we get a clear view on the reason for marriage.
Right from the beginning, God made it clear that two shall become one and that what He has brought together, no man should put asunder; that once a man or woman gets married; his or her body automatically becomes the property of his or her partner.
To ensure smooth running of the home, He put the man in charge while the woman’s role is to give support at all times to her husband. Therefore a woman must at all times consider the consequence of her action on her husband or marriage.
Support could be spiritual, physical, emotional as well as financial.
One of the cardinal reasons is for the purpose of procreation. Unlike lesser animals who have the freedom to engage in the act that leads to procreation without restrictions, the human being must go through legal and customary process to enjoy the gift of sex. Unfortunately, men generally still retain this basic animalistic instinct; the one that gets them going by the sight of an attractive female. While a woman has the ability to endure for days, most men cannot do without the company of a woman for more than two days.
This is because sex comes with so much more than the average man can imagine. God being who He is, is aware of the influence and pleasure of sex He is also aware of the consequences of free sex hence the need for a man and woman to first legalise their feelings before having sex.
Although sex is physical, it represents a spiritual covenant between a man and woman because of the fluid passed from one to the other as well as the seed of life that comes from it. In addition, it also satisfies the hunger of flesh in every man or woman not sworn to celibacy.
Therefore, sex represents the lifeline of every marriage. Without good sex, a marriage, no matter how compatible the couple appears, would eventually go down the drain due to emotional pressures.
The potency of sex in marriage can never be overemphasised. For a lot of people, it is what makes or mars a marriage. Sex is the candle that lights up the marriage, the gum that glues as well as the mender that mends the marriage.
For the average man and woman, sex is like a life giving oxygen; it has become a leisure sport for both young and old. Its popularity is such that it has almost become old fashioned for a young lady to marry as a virgin or for a man to remain faithful to his vows.
The permissiveness of the society makes it very easy for the man to hop freely from one woman to the other like a social butterfly in his quest for the excitement sex offers. The woman on the other hand is expected to do everything within her powers not to give her man an excuse to look outside the home. Unfortunately, sex has become so common place that children not yet in their teens are already engaged in it.
It has become the opium that the entire human race is dependent on. Despite attempts to play down on its influence, it has not only continued to dig the graves of most marriages but also at hand to say its requiem mass.
This is why wise married women do everything to ensure, that their men don’t stray, of tempted to find solace in the arms of another woman by being always available when the man comes demanding for his rights.
However, religion and its demands are now conflicting with the limitless access God gave to married couples to have sex on demand.
Increasingly, married men are complaining of neglect by their wives. Chiefly among complains is that women are using religious practices like prayer and fasting to deny them of their rights at home.
On the surface, sex and religion are a strange mix but, when viewed from the point that we are all products of somebody’s sex life and decision, plus the fact that every natural creation around the world evolves from the act of procreation, it then follows that it cannot be separated from religion.
Marriage itself flourishes under the influence of sex. A childless marriage is considered a failure and for a marriage to be considered fruitful, it must produce children.
While a marriage can survive without religion, it cannot survive without sex. Sex was decreed into marriage by God Himself when He instructed Adam and Eve to go into the world and procreate.
Therefore any woman who places fasting and prayers above her role as a wife to her husband, risks losing her value in her husband’s house. Men by nature are turned on by sight and if not getting attention from his wife can easily be distracted by another woman.
This is why fasting must not be used by any woman to deny her husband of his rights. In the night, after prayers, a married woman has the freedom to be intimate with her husband if he demands it else she exposes him to undue temptation from other women.
A wise woman should be able to marry her spiritual responsibilities to her home with her physical duties. It would be an effort in futility if after all her prayers and night vigils, she comes back home to meet another woman in her place.
Even where permission has been given by the man for his wife to precede on her fasting programme, once he changes his mind about letting her be, she should discontinue. This won’t stop God from hearing her prayers since He ordained the first marriage on earth.
Any woman who embarks on a religious programme to the detriment of her home risks losing everything. When a woman denies her husband access to her body, she makes him and her home very vulnerable to a woman on the prowl. A man on heat is beyond reason and would have done it before thinking of the consequences of his act.
A testimony should accompany every religious programme but in a situation where it ends in tears and regrets, wisdom is required. Only a wise woman knows that as second in command in the family set up, her religion is tied to her commander, in-chief’s happiness and the peace of her home.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Falling for a man outside my wedlock…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I admire your column so much, but I never knew I would one day write you for help. I’m 29 years old, married to a wonderful man. Ever since I met my husband I never cheated on him till we got married. I got married three months after getting a job in a corporate organisation, and I’m still there.
I don’t know how it happened but one day I discovered I have fallen in love with one of my colleagues whom I have always been very close to.
Since discovering my feelings for him, I have kept the knowledge to myself, refusing to tell anybody. Yet I am always jealous of any woman I see close to him. So far I have been able to control my jealousy.
We exchange phone calls even though I do most of the callings. One Saturday I called him to enquire about his health. Later that day, I saw his missed call on my phone and tried returning his call but he didn’t pick my call immediately. When he eventually did, he said there was something he wanted to ask me but that he will do that on Monday when we see in the office. He eventually didn’t. So I made up my mind to call him after work to ask what he wanted to discuss with me.
I was very angry and made up my mind never to talk to him when he refused to pick my call. He eventually came back to talk to me. And when I got home I called to ask if I was in any way disturbing him. He said I wasn’t and demanded that we chat on our blackberry phones.
While we were chatting, he told me he desired a woman like me for a wife. I told him I didn’t have any friend I can recommend to him, I also added that I didn’t want any woman hurting him. He insisted I come clean with the truth; that he knows I can’t tolerate the thoughts of another woman in his life. Agatha, that is the truth. I love him and if there is another word stronger than love, it is what I feel for this man.
I was surprised he felt something for me; this made me to admit my feelings for him. He told me how much he loved and wanted me in his life. He invited me to his house I went and we played together but didn’t make love that night.
I felt like going back. I saw him twice after that because he is on his annual leave. But now he wants us to stop seeing each other. It is making me go crazy.
Agatha the whole world might want to stone me to death but I want to be sincere here what I feel for him. You cannot imagine it. I know he feels the same way but he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and he avoids me. I don’t want to have sex with him but just to be close to him like a soul mate. I respect the fact that I’m married and seeing another man is not good before man and God. But please all I want is to be close to him.
I’m in pain right now and I’m going crazy and feel like ending it all.
What should I do? I love him so much and nobody can change that, but this is killing me. I need help before I go crazy. Please all I want is to be close to him, the love has been there for long and I never felt that way for anyone before now. I know people will call me names but please I don’t want to lose him. I want him as friend, someone I can confide in. I want people to understand the way I feel. I am in love with my husband but not this way. Please I need your sincere help and very urgent too.
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
Infatuation is a very strong emotion, more compelling than love because it is blind to reason and logic. And like Tsunami it ends up leaving so much destruction in its wake.
You must fight this feeling, because if you were not careful, it would make you lose everything that matters to you in life: your husband, self-respect, the love of your family and your essence as a human being. It is not just what the world thinks of you but what you would do to yourself at the end of the day.
It isn’t just about saving your marriage but everything your parents have worked to make you as well as the little you contributed to your person. The fact that you are so confused and acting out of character portends danger to your sanity as a person. If you don’t develop the will power to put an end to this emotion, you might end up with a mental problem or very severe psychological situation that would make people keep their distance from you.
For your own sake, more than your marriage, resist whatever it is that you feel for this man. You have to let go of him, he isn’t yours, and will never be. What you feel isn’t real; it is strong quite all right but it is an illusion, an addiction you have allowed to develop uncontrollably. Like every case of addiction, the beginning looks promising, tempting and soothing but like cancer, it leaves the body hollow and yearning for escape from the pains of reality.
This guy has done the right thing by asking to end a relationship that should not have started in the first place. He is aware of the spiritual danger of sleeping with another man’s wife, hence his desire to stop whatever he has started with you.
It is in your interest to help yourself stop this feeling. There is nothing wrong in admiring a member of the opposite sex but what is wrong is to be irresponsible about it. How would you feel if your husband develops this strong feeling for another woman, to the extent of spending intimate moments with her even at night?
How would you sincerely feel if your husband is refusing to let go of the woman? No matter how much you love this man, think of your home and husband. You married him because you feel something very special for him. Don’t you think it is so unfair to him, the vows you publicly took to honour, love and cherish him till death separates you both?
Have you considered the possibility of your husband finding out about your relationship with this man and you getting pregnant at about the same time? Do you think your husband would ever accept responsibility of the child or believe you haven’t slept with this man? What do you think would become of the child born into such a controversy? Do you think your own child would ever forgive or respect you if told about what you did?
The best way out of this is to take a break. Go on your annual leave to detoxify your emotional system. You need to put a distance between you and this man. If you and your husband can manage it, it is advisable for both of you to take your vacation together. His presence would help you overcome your addiction to this other man.
Furthermore, you need his warmth, love and assurance to heal you. The vacation would help you catch up with reality; point you at the things that are of utmost importance to you as well as give you confidence in the choice you have made.
By learning to fall in love with your husband again, you open the way for healing in your marriage.
Another thing is to delete his number from your phone. It is also imperative you do to avoid your husband chancing on text messages you have both exchanged as well as stop that urge of calling him.
Replace his memories with ones of your husband, your early meeting, the day you both agreed to marry, your wedding day and other special moments you have had. Think of the plans, your plans together, his trust and confidence in you. Importantly, recall the reason you agreed to marry him among all the men that came your way. He must have something extra special for you to have agreed to his proposal out of the several that came your way.
If you know it is impossible for you to completely forget, consider changing employers. It may take a while for you to find somewhere else but life is about sacrifices, and your marriage is the most vital to you now.
There is no way you can be friends now with this man, there is too much at stake. Perhaps in later years, when you are matured enough to handle yourself better, definitely not now. You lack the discipline to have him for a friend now. Make your husband your best friend.
Do ask God for strength to resist the temptation this other man represents.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I admire your column so much, but I never knew I would one day write you for help. I’m 29 years old, married to a wonderful man. Ever since I met my husband I never cheated on him till we got married. I got married three months after getting a job in a corporate organisation, and I’m still there.
I don’t know how it happened but one day I discovered I have fallen in love with one of my colleagues whom I have always been very close to.
Since discovering my feelings for him, I have kept the knowledge to myself, refusing to tell anybody. Yet I am always jealous of any woman I see close to him. So far I have been able to control my jealousy.
We exchange phone calls even though I do most of the callings. One Saturday I called him to enquire about his health. Later that day, I saw his missed call on my phone and tried returning his call but he didn’t pick my call immediately. When he eventually did, he said there was something he wanted to ask me but that he will do that on Monday when we see in the office. He eventually didn’t. So I made up my mind to call him after work to ask what he wanted to discuss with me.
I was very angry and made up my mind never to talk to him when he refused to pick my call. He eventually came back to talk to me. And when I got home I called to ask if I was in any way disturbing him. He said I wasn’t and demanded that we chat on our blackberry phones.
While we were chatting, he told me he desired a woman like me for a wife. I told him I didn’t have any friend I can recommend to him, I also added that I didn’t want any woman hurting him. He insisted I come clean with the truth; that he knows I can’t tolerate the thoughts of another woman in his life. Agatha, that is the truth. I love him and if there is another word stronger than love, it is what I feel for this man.
I was surprised he felt something for me; this made me to admit my feelings for him. He told me how much he loved and wanted me in his life. He invited me to his house I went and we played together but didn’t make love that night.
I felt like going back. I saw him twice after that because he is on his annual leave. But now he wants us to stop seeing each other. It is making me go crazy.
Agatha the whole world might want to stone me to death but I want to be sincere here what I feel for him. You cannot imagine it. I know he feels the same way but he doesn’t want to see me anymore, and he avoids me. I don’t want to have sex with him but just to be close to him like a soul mate. I respect the fact that I’m married and seeing another man is not good before man and God. But please all I want is to be close to him.
I’m in pain right now and I’m going crazy and feel like ending it all.
What should I do? I love him so much and nobody can change that, but this is killing me. I need help before I go crazy. Please all I want is to be close to him, the love has been there for long and I never felt that way for anyone before now. I know people will call me names but please I don’t want to lose him. I want him as friend, someone I can confide in. I want people to understand the way I feel. I am in love with my husband but not this way. Please I need your sincere help and very urgent too.
Worried Woman.
Dear Worried Woman,
Infatuation is a very strong emotion, more compelling than love because it is blind to reason and logic. And like Tsunami it ends up leaving so much destruction in its wake.
You must fight this feeling, because if you were not careful, it would make you lose everything that matters to you in life: your husband, self-respect, the love of your family and your essence as a human being. It is not just what the world thinks of you but what you would do to yourself at the end of the day.
It isn’t just about saving your marriage but everything your parents have worked to make you as well as the little you contributed to your person. The fact that you are so confused and acting out of character portends danger to your sanity as a person. If you don’t develop the will power to put an end to this emotion, you might end up with a mental problem or very severe psychological situation that would make people keep their distance from you.
For your own sake, more than your marriage, resist whatever it is that you feel for this man. You have to let go of him, he isn’t yours, and will never be. What you feel isn’t real; it is strong quite all right but it is an illusion, an addiction you have allowed to develop uncontrollably. Like every case of addiction, the beginning looks promising, tempting and soothing but like cancer, it leaves the body hollow and yearning for escape from the pains of reality.
This guy has done the right thing by asking to end a relationship that should not have started in the first place. He is aware of the spiritual danger of sleeping with another man’s wife, hence his desire to stop whatever he has started with you.
It is in your interest to help yourself stop this feeling. There is nothing wrong in admiring a member of the opposite sex but what is wrong is to be irresponsible about it. How would you feel if your husband develops this strong feeling for another woman, to the extent of spending intimate moments with her even at night?
How would you sincerely feel if your husband is refusing to let go of the woman? No matter how much you love this man, think of your home and husband. You married him because you feel something very special for him. Don’t you think it is so unfair to him, the vows you publicly took to honour, love and cherish him till death separates you both?
Have you considered the possibility of your husband finding out about your relationship with this man and you getting pregnant at about the same time? Do you think your husband would ever accept responsibility of the child or believe you haven’t slept with this man? What do you think would become of the child born into such a controversy? Do you think your own child would ever forgive or respect you if told about what you did?
The best way out of this is to take a break. Go on your annual leave to detoxify your emotional system. You need to put a distance between you and this man. If you and your husband can manage it, it is advisable for both of you to take your vacation together. His presence would help you overcome your addiction to this other man.
Furthermore, you need his warmth, love and assurance to heal you. The vacation would help you catch up with reality; point you at the things that are of utmost importance to you as well as give you confidence in the choice you have made.
By learning to fall in love with your husband again, you open the way for healing in your marriage.
Another thing is to delete his number from your phone. It is also imperative you do to avoid your husband chancing on text messages you have both exchanged as well as stop that urge of calling him.
Replace his memories with ones of your husband, your early meeting, the day you both agreed to marry, your wedding day and other special moments you have had. Think of the plans, your plans together, his trust and confidence in you. Importantly, recall the reason you agreed to marry him among all the men that came your way. He must have something extra special for you to have agreed to his proposal out of the several that came your way.
If you know it is impossible for you to completely forget, consider changing employers. It may take a while for you to find somewhere else but life is about sacrifices, and your marriage is the most vital to you now.
There is no way you can be friends now with this man, there is too much at stake. Perhaps in later years, when you are matured enough to handle yourself better, definitely not now. You lack the discipline to have him for a friend now. Make your husband your best friend.
Do ask God for strength to resist the temptation this other man represents.
Good luck
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tales of my love life worry mum…
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I met my man in 2008. But we started dating in 2009, and saw for the first time in August 2010 when he came to Nigeria.
He loves and cares for me.
However, when I informed my pastor about him, I was told that he has a lady back in the United Kingdom who is also interested in him.
According to the pastor, he would pray for the other woman to leave him alone for me if I sow a seed to God. He said he would send me his bank account. I have also never met him but we do discuss on the phone regularly.
My mother is worried because I am 30 years of age.
Worried Spinster.
Dear Worried Spinster,
Be careful. In life when one is in too much haste and too desperate, he or she risks danger of fatal mistake.
Marriage is one institution that should not be hurried into. More often than not we have within us the ability to see clearly into what God wants for us but are blinded by our own desires to do things our own way.
Being 30 years of age isn’t the end of the world. Life has too much to offer anybody as long as the person has the faith that no matter what he or she is passing through is temporary.
Don’t allow your desperation make you become victim to spiritual contractors, who are always seeing one vision or the other to defraud their victims.
There is no way the man you are currently dating would not have a past just as you have a past too. Behind every story of a relationship break up is pocket of regret. One of the parties would always want things to continue the way they are. If he was interested in this other woman, he won’t be with you. There is always a man or woman desiring for someone.
He couldn’t have gone through life without making an impression in the heart of a woman. That there is a woman interested in him is therefore not a strange vision that would warrant a so-called man of God money to dislodge. If he is true to the service of God, he won’t demand money for prayers. The glory of any ministry entrusted to anyone is how many people give happily to its progress.
God isn’t into trade by barter so none of his representatives is allowed to trade with his or her gift. Freely it was given by God and freely it should be used to the glory of His name.
Ignore his demand for any money as condition for his prayers. Sincerely, you don’t need such men of God in your life. Chances are if you do, he would continue to see different visions aimed at frightening you to part with more money.
Instead concentrate on making this man happy, of consolidating his interest in you. Granted other women will always try to get him to notice and be with them, but a lot depends on your attitude and treatment of him.
No matter what you hear, learn to be matured about it. You have no business with any other woman in his life. He remains your interest and concern. Learn to ignore any side talk that has the power to distract you from giving him your best. Don’t nag him about any other woman; learn to be patient, tolerant, friendly, supportive, understanding, prayerful, respectful and loyal to him.
You have to show him that you are not just another woman to him but his friend, sister, mother, and cheerleader.
A lot would depend on how well you manage your personality, temperament and strength of character. If you were the kind of woman easily frightened at the mention of other women in his life, you would completely lose focus of your importance to him just as you would frighten him off you. No man wants a nag for a wife or one who is constantly suspicious of his every move.
The average man wants freedom to be the head at all times. Even when you know he is into other women outside you, learn to keep your cool and market your best at that point in time. You have to constantly remind him that among all the women in his life, you are the only one who has what it takes to make him happy.
Even if you pay this pastor to pray the other woman out of his life, if you don’t have the right kind of character and attitude, other women would still float into his life. How much money do you have to keep this pastor on your payroll to be praying for you every second of your life?
A wise woman in addition to adopting the right kind of attitude never tires of praying to God personally. You are the one in the relationship, have the knowledge of the pains you are enduring as well as the kind of life you have always wanted with your husband.
Go on your knees and ask God to personally intervene on your behalf. As long as God is in your relationship and life, there is no challenge you cannot face and defeat. Sometimes it takes extra time with God and unconditional faith in Him but such situations eventually give way to the desires of God.
Your situation isn’t beyond Him. At 30, you are not old or without hope. Just learn to trust God more and less on the powers of men if you want to be happy in life. If this man is yours, no woman can stop you and him from being together.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I met my man in 2008. But we started dating in 2009, and saw for the first time in August 2010 when he came to Nigeria.
He loves and cares for me.
However, when I informed my pastor about him, I was told that he has a lady back in the United Kingdom who is also interested in him.
According to the pastor, he would pray for the other woman to leave him alone for me if I sow a seed to God. He said he would send me his bank account. I have also never met him but we do discuss on the phone regularly.
My mother is worried because I am 30 years of age.
Worried Spinster.
Dear Worried Spinster,
Be careful. In life when one is in too much haste and too desperate, he or she risks danger of fatal mistake.
Marriage is one institution that should not be hurried into. More often than not we have within us the ability to see clearly into what God wants for us but are blinded by our own desires to do things our own way.
Being 30 years of age isn’t the end of the world. Life has too much to offer anybody as long as the person has the faith that no matter what he or she is passing through is temporary.
Don’t allow your desperation make you become victim to spiritual contractors, who are always seeing one vision or the other to defraud their victims.
There is no way the man you are currently dating would not have a past just as you have a past too. Behind every story of a relationship break up is pocket of regret. One of the parties would always want things to continue the way they are. If he was interested in this other woman, he won’t be with you. There is always a man or woman desiring for someone.
He couldn’t have gone through life without making an impression in the heart of a woman. That there is a woman interested in him is therefore not a strange vision that would warrant a so-called man of God money to dislodge. If he is true to the service of God, he won’t demand money for prayers. The glory of any ministry entrusted to anyone is how many people give happily to its progress.
God isn’t into trade by barter so none of his representatives is allowed to trade with his or her gift. Freely it was given by God and freely it should be used to the glory of His name.
Ignore his demand for any money as condition for his prayers. Sincerely, you don’t need such men of God in your life. Chances are if you do, he would continue to see different visions aimed at frightening you to part with more money.
Instead concentrate on making this man happy, of consolidating his interest in you. Granted other women will always try to get him to notice and be with them, but a lot depends on your attitude and treatment of him.
No matter what you hear, learn to be matured about it. You have no business with any other woman in his life. He remains your interest and concern. Learn to ignore any side talk that has the power to distract you from giving him your best. Don’t nag him about any other woman; learn to be patient, tolerant, friendly, supportive, understanding, prayerful, respectful and loyal to him.
You have to show him that you are not just another woman to him but his friend, sister, mother, and cheerleader.
A lot would depend on how well you manage your personality, temperament and strength of character. If you were the kind of woman easily frightened at the mention of other women in his life, you would completely lose focus of your importance to him just as you would frighten him off you. No man wants a nag for a wife or one who is constantly suspicious of his every move.
The average man wants freedom to be the head at all times. Even when you know he is into other women outside you, learn to keep your cool and market your best at that point in time. You have to constantly remind him that among all the women in his life, you are the only one who has what it takes to make him happy.
Even if you pay this pastor to pray the other woman out of his life, if you don’t have the right kind of character and attitude, other women would still float into his life. How much money do you have to keep this pastor on your payroll to be praying for you every second of your life?
A wise woman in addition to adopting the right kind of attitude never tires of praying to God personally. You are the one in the relationship, have the knowledge of the pains you are enduring as well as the kind of life you have always wanted with your husband.
Go on your knees and ask God to personally intervene on your behalf. As long as God is in your relationship and life, there is no challenge you cannot face and defeat. Sometimes it takes extra time with God and unconditional faith in Him but such situations eventually give way to the desires of God.
Your situation isn’t beyond Him. At 30, you are not old or without hope. Just learn to trust God more and less on the powers of men if you want to be happy in life. If this man is yours, no woman can stop you and him from being together.
Good luck.
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