Tired of pampering her over minor squabble…

Dear Agatha,

I thank God I have found someone I love and who loves me in a way we both can’t comprehend, but that does not mean it is void of hitches. 

I have been with my girlfriend, aged 21, while I’m 26, for a long time now, but once in a while we have minor quarrels or disagreements. When this occurs, it keeps her moody for a while until I wear myself out begging and pampering her. 

To this end she has come to take it for granted that I will always pamper her each time she is angry. 

Recently I found out that after winning back her love, I become moody as a result of anger at my weakness, hence I also want to hurt her back. I want to allow her experience my anger to have a feel of what I go through when she begins her tantrums. 

Once things got out of hand I angrily threw sand on her face! I felt miserable and contrite afterwards. I don’t want this to be part of me anymore. Please, what do I do to stop this growing habit?

 Raphael.

Dear Raphael, 

A relationship is akin to the process of building a house. Without the right foundation nothing put on the land would stand. Furthermore it has to follow the natural process of ground to up; there is no putting up the roof when the right level has not been attained. Any adjustment has to be made from the foundation if the structure is to stand the test of time.

You are still both at the foundation level. At this stage, you are allowed to make all the mistakes because there is ample chance of adjustments and correction in the foundation of your relationship. 

Even though you are five years older than her, at 26, you are still very far from being perfect. You clearly haven’t mastered the patience and tolerance of dealing with women as well as understand women have different moods; mood swings and that each of these moods requires patience, attention and sometimes space from the man.

At times a woman may not really be in charge of her behaviour. This is that time of the month when she is extra nice, gentle and loving while at another time of the mood she wakes up and nothing seems right for her that day. She would snap at the slightest provocation or get angry at something she did the day before and you laughed over, is irritated by the smell of her man or his presence around her. 

Matured men have since come to understand that the average woman is governed by moods and once notice that it is that time of the month when she acts like a wounded lion, do everything to avoid any confrontation with her. This is the time when women appear to behave irrationally, say things without thinking.

At 21, your girlfriend doesn’t even have a clue as to what is wrong hence cannot resist it. At the times she forgives you, is when she is in her loving mood; the time of the month she wants to be cuddled when your breath excites her and not irritates her.

If you are observant you would note that these quarrels always occur at almost the same time of each successive month, try to avoid her at such periods to minimise the times you both quarrel as well as help your relationship survive the constant wear and tear of your monthly disagreements.

And when the mood is right, try to help her by pointing her at your observations and how she can help herself fight these hormones by developing a cautious effort at suppressing them. 

No woman completely wins this battle but she needs help to point out the obvious to her. 

But that is no excuse for your short fuse. Throwing sand at her isn’t right. It is a sign that if you too don’t make the effort, you have the tendency to be violent. Much as I know the frustration and despair many men feel when their women begin to manifest these strange moods, the wise thing is to always walk away. 

Once there is true love between the two of you, things would eventually sort themselves out without you doing the excess to get her to forgive you. It is the extent you go that is making you very angry and prone to violence. Next time you get on her wrong side, tell her sorry and mean it. Leave it at that because that is the best you can offer her. It is your true self; stop pretending to be who you are not. Allow your true nature to show; it is the only way you can cope with this relationship. To continue is to factor defects into the foundation of the home you are trying to build. 

Don’t be afraid of losing her by showing her your true self. If you both are meant to be, you shall both overcome the storm.

Good luck. 

Her past stinks, her belly carries my baby…

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady I met when I was in higher institution. I loved her so much but she was never faithful to me. She didn’t bother to conceal this fact from me, as she would right in my presence accompany other men on dates. It got to a stage I told her I wasn’t interested in the relationship any longer, yet she refused to let go as she made sure no other lady agreed to a date with me.  

On my part my love for her too didn’t allow me to leave her so we reconciled before our graduation. 

Frankly, what I had at the back of my mind was to extract my pound of flesh by leading to a point before ditching her, a sort of pay back for all the emotional pains she caused me while we were in school. 

The problem now is that she is pregnant for me and stays with my parents who have been sending messages to come home to do the right thing on her. I really don’t want to go because I feel its time for me to pay her back for all the embarrassment and emotional torture she inflicted on me while we were still in school. 

My dilemma is that no matter how much I try to get her out of my mind, the more difficult it is for me to. Please help me.

Worried Man. 

Dear Worried Man, 

The fact that this lady is pregnant for you makes it imperative for you to make up your mind about what you really want as well as what you feel for her. Besides, she is with your parents so there is no escape for you at all. If you don’t go, they are just as capable of coming to you and standing in for you. So it’s in your interest to go and sort things out with your girlfriend before the pregnant gets obvious. It is the honest and responsible thing to do as the man who has put her in the family way. 

The situation won’t vanish simply because you lack the guts to own up to your weakness for this woman. You have gotten to that point in your life when only the truth can give you complete peace.

From the tone of your letter, it is crystal clear that you really love her but simply hurting at her behaviour. The right thing for you to do now is to stop drumming up different excuses for taking her back into your life. Such excuses will not distract you from the fact that deep down your love for her is unconditional as well as forgiving of anything she does. This is why you made love to her without any form of protection. If you were serious about getting rid of her in the first place, you wouldn’t have gone into her without protecting yourself from being a father to her child. Deep down you actually think it is the only way to tie her down which was why you had unprotected sex with her in the first place.

This is a basic truth you must first admit to. It certainly shall help you come to terms with the reality of your situation as well as help make up your mind on what steps you should take concerning her. 

At this critical stage, don’t lie to yourself by admitting to your weakness for this woman. To deny what you feel for this woman would be to live your life in total deceit as well as permanent regrets. Unless you do what you have to do now, you will never be free to completely love another woman or find the right kind of peace to make such woman happy.

You have to draw from your reservoir of strength to face the bitter choice before you. To love a woman you know deep down may not always be faithful to you or move on to another one you will never be able to give your complete love.

The danger of closing this relationship without exhausting all the possibilities is the fact that she is going to be the mother of your child. With that child she can always get you whenever she wants to make life miserable for you and any woman you choose over her. 

This is because she knows she has a kind of power over you, which makes it impossible for you to completely ignore her. Sincerely when a man finds himself in this kind of emotional entanglement, the wise thing to do is not to run away but to see how he can also manipulate the situation to his advantage, and what better opportunity than this pregnancy to get her to listen to you? 

The dream of the average young woman is to get married and have her own family not to be a single mother. So the time is now for you to stamp your authority in this relationship.

Sincerely, because your love is the kind that is blind to her faults, that is willing to accommodate her irrespective of the kind of pain she inflicts on you, you have to sit her down for a soul searching discussion on what you want to do with the relationship.  

In your discussion, begin by demanding what she intends to do with the pregnancy. Make it appear to her as if you are not excited about it and therefore can’t be bothered what she intends to do with it. Play the tough guy by asking her if the pregnancy is really yours considering her past track records with other men. Have it at the back of your mind that this is only intended to instill certain fears into her mind, the possibility of having a child with questionable paternity. 

No matter how strong hearted a woman is, having a baby without a father is one cup of tea no woman wants to drink. This will certainly douse whatever kind of power she thinks she has over you and make her meek as well as manageable. 

It will sober her enough to make her have a general rethink of her lifestyle. Without being told, she knows there is no way you can have the guts to deny paternity of her child if she didn’t in the first place give you reasons to. 

The essence of this is to sober her sufficiently to give you the kind of respect you deserve as the head as well as appreciate your kind of love for her. This is in addition to helping her realise that she is a very lucky woman to have a man like you by her side.

Every relationship needs a leader, hence the need for you to chart and map the way your reactions to each other.

Follow this by an agreement between the two of you on what her conduct should be from now on. If you have made up your mind to forgive her, let her know as well as the conditions under which she would continue to enjoy your forgiveness and trust. At this juncture, don’t pretend about your hurts and how much you are afraid of having anything permanent with her on account of your past experiences with her. 

We do more harm to ourselves, and eventual happiness by pretending to agree with a situation we know we won’t be able to tolerate for long in our relationships. By making her understand that relationship is governed by trust and the onus is always on the woman to prove the paternity of her child. 

As a way of ensuring you too don’t give her room to regret her decision to stay with you, ask her what she thinks of you and how you can also change to continue to earn her respect. In addition you must learn to give your relationship its own character because no two partners are exactly alike. That one thing appears to be working for one couple doesn’t mean it would work in your marriage or relationship.

You both have to find your individual strengths before you have a united front.

It is only when you have both wiped out the ugliness of your past that you can face the challenge of looking ahead to a bright future between the two of you. 

Before going completely into it, be very sure you have the capacity and temperament to deal with her kind of person. One the greatest gift of love is forgiveness, not the kind that claims to have forgiven but still keeps record of the incident.  Once you have both talked, forget and forgive her completely. Ensure the slate has no mark on it. 

Also submit every stage of your relationship to God who is the all time healer.

My ex-wife denies me access to our children…

Dear Agatha, 

I have four children with my first wife who has left me for another man. My major pains now is her refusal to grant me permission to see my children as well as the fact that she and her mother visits different native doctors seeking charms that would eliminate me and my current wife.

Her mother is on her side while her siblings aren’t. What do I do?

Sixtus.

Dear Sixtus, 

For any woman to take on the responsibility of caring for four children in another man’s house points to something deeper and more fundamental than you are presenting in your letter. As a man, how would you react to a woman bringing four children into your home and life? It can’t be a rosy party for her to care, fend and take charge of four children all alone. Unless she is the kind of woman who doesn’t care about the welfare of her children, but even at that four children are a handful for any woman who has the ambition to play the field.

Ordinarily, she would have willingly dropped the children with you to give her the freedom to enjoy relative peace with her new man. There is no way she can ever be free with those four children staying with her in another man’s house. Contrary to the picture you have presented of her, she appears like a good mother ready to do anything to protect her children. 

A woman who is desirous of playing the field won’t want the bother of children around her, won’t even take them with her in the first place. So something is definitely not right somewhere and unless you are willing to state the truth concerning what happened between you and your former wife, you won’t achieve much success in your bid to get the children’s attention.

What did you do to make her quit your home with the children? Can you be honest with yourself to say it? What were you looking at when she left for another man’s house with your children? Did you put up any resistance at the point she ordered your children to follow her? Are you sure your desire to now see the children isn’t an after thought? Are you sure you have not at one time or the other openly questioned or acted as if these children are not yours? Have you always cared for them, given them attention and provided for their needs as at when due? What kind of relationship do you have with your children? If they were given the chance to choose between you and their mother, would the children vote for you as an ideal father? Her packing out with the children must have been prompted by a situation she can no longer cope with. The fact that you too already have a wife in your home underscore the salient point that you are not totally blameless in all the events that led to this development between you and the mother of your children.

There are ways of approaching matters like this. You can’t use force when it comes to situations concerning the life of delicate children. You both had a reason in the first place to marry; even if that reason doesn’t exist anymore the fact that at one time or the other, you derived so much joy in each other makes it important for the two of you to explore other options in this matter.

No marriage is ever between two persons only. Both of you must have gone through some processes that involved your two families before you settled down as a couple. This is the time to tap into those structures by sending emissaries to her family to beg them to intervene on your behalf. Unless there was nothing formal in the first place, you can also go to the welfare department to insist on your rights as the father of the children. Once the government is involved she would have no reason to deny you access to your children.

But your case would be hard to pursue if there was nothing formal or customary between the two of you in which case you have to depend on her good will. Whatever mistakes you have made be humble and send emissaries to her to soften her mind against you. Even if she is the worst kind of wife, the fact that she is attempting to be a good mother to her children has given her an edge over you and a hold over the children. So you have to thread carefully by being mindful of what you say about her. How come you know about her visits to these native doctors as well as plans to kill you? Is it that you follow them around since these kinds of visits and motives are not usually advertised?  Be careful what you say if you want her to have the confidence to entrust her children to you. Her fear may just be the woman you have in your life whose nature she doesn’t know.

To resolve the issue of the children’s welfare, you have to bury the bitterness, disappointments and pains of your time together to give you both the neutral platform to talk about your children. For now, your children are more important than anything or anyone in your different lives. Even if you have more children, these children remain your first set, the leaders of your pack, so no sacrifice would be too much to make for their happiness.

Good luck.  

Despite her weaknesses, I still love her, but…

 Dear Agatha, 

I have been in a relationship with this lady for about six years now. In fact I deflowered her after two years into our relationship. She is in her final year in the university. She is good and nice. I have other girl friends though I am not that serious with them. Now I am at the point of planning to get married. The problem is that I need a woman that is tall because I am not tall. 

My girl friend of six years is not exposed as I would want for a wife. Her knowledge of things is not too good and her use of English language is not good too, though she is willing to learn. 

She is 28 and I am 32 years old, I think she is old for me. 

But I still love this lady, irrespective of all the flaws she may have. She is beautiful too. 

Advise me before I make mistake in life because I need a woman that will guarantee my peace of mind. 

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

Are you just realising all these things after being with her for six years and sleeping with her for four years?

Is her ability to make you a good wife, mother, excellent house-keeper and good cook, respectful and responsible woman measured by her height? When you met her and deflowered her, didn’t you factor the age thing then? Why didn’t you raise the issue of age before taking her pride as a woman?

The issue here has to do with your own desires to play the field; lack of sincerity to yourself as well as lack of focus. Because you are into other affairs, you are confused about what precisely you want from life as well as the idea of the kind of woman you need to motivate you in life.

There is no way you can make the right choice if you don’t first sit down and plan your own life. At 32, you are not exactly a green chicken anymore and to live your life to chances would boomerang eventually. 

It therefore behooves you to be very honest with yourself. For you to have dated her for six years shows that she has depth, a staying power which none of the other ladies you have crowded your life with has. But because you haven’t learnt to be faithful to one woman, you are afraid of the restriction marriage would put on you hence inwardly looking for just any kind of excuse to knock her out so as to buy more time in the field of freedom.

Even though I don’t know her, something deep tells me if you out of carelessness throw this lady out of your life you may not be fortunate to get another woman who would affect your life as positively as she has done. Regrettably, so many people don’t know the worth of something until they lose it. 

If after six years of dating a woman, you say she cannot speak good English, isn’t exposed, then something is wrong with you. She is only mirroring the quality of companionship and leadership you have given her for the number of years you have spent together. What is love in the first instance? One of the reasons we fall in love and have relationships is to have someone to share in our weakness. From the very beginning you noticed these flaws, you should have taken it upon yourself to offer her the kind of assistance required to brush her up. If you love her, you would have been able to teach her how to improve on her spoken English. Your inability shows that something is also wrong with your attitude and that you refused to act because all along you have always had it at the back of your mind that you would leave her on account of this. 

To her and everyone who listens to your excuse, your action would appear premeditated; you can only be justified if from the very beginning you have complained and she has refused to take corrections. Besides, where true love exists, such things often don’t matter. Having been able to live with these flaws for six years, if you really apply your mind to it and honest with what you really want from life, you can cope. The draw back here is a lack of clarity on the kind of woman you want from the number of women in your life. 

In essence, your girlfriend isn’t the problem but your own desires. You have to urgently make a clear distinction between the woman who would really make you happy and the kind you think you want in your life. Frankly this is the point many young men and women get it all when making the important decision of who to spend the rest of their lives with. It is a decision that has to come with a lot of soul-searching thoughts, wisdom and open honesty with oneself.

Frankly, you haven’t got to the stage of being honest with yourself because all the things you complain of are things love, patience, determination, understanding and support can change. For instance if you expose her correctly, she would have the kind of social clout you want. Your job as her man is to help her measure up to your standards and not condemn her for not having it.

Demonstrate your love for her by acting it and not just mouthing it. True love is a lot of sacrifice and inconveniencies. It is loving another person even when nothing in that person is worth loving in the beginning. Love has an inner eye to see the perfection nobody can see in another person. 

Pray to God to help direct you at what to look for in this woman and life importantly.

Good luck. 

My wife is unbearable

Dear Agatha,

 

You have been a source of joy and relief in the life of many that through your God-given wisdom you are able to counsel and save people from being drowned in the wave and storms of life.

I wrote to you over three years ago concerning my wife’s issue and you counseled me to be patient and make sacrifices in order to bring about some changes in her. I did just as you told me but I think I have overstretched my patience.

By His grace, I am a God-fearing man; I have known the Lord for almost 20 years now. Since I knew Him, I have never seen the nakedness of any woman before and after I married my wife. 

Unfortunately, my wife’s attitude is so unbearable. As I told you some years ago, she lacks respect and regard for me as her husband. When we have any issue, she nags and shouts for neighbours to hear. Once she starts, I leave the house and come back when I think things would have calmed down. Rather than let peace reign, she will not allow me sleep. She will keep on talking until she gets tired and falls asleep. 

Whenever there is an issue, she will seize my car keys; collect my wallet, which contains my driver’s license and ATM cards. She makes sure she does things that will provoke me. She will hold my clothes and tear them or destroy my handsets no matter how expensive. She doesn’t care. But I have made a vow never to lay a finger on her no matter what she does. I am determined to keep to this vow. Once she starts, she will curse, saying all sorts of ungodly words against me as if after the whole thing we will never come together again.

Her family has handled the matter thrice pleading with me to give her sometime that she will change, but up till this moment, she has not changed, rather she is getting worse. I desire a peaceful, godly home with her but unfortunately, the reverse is the case. 

Recently something happened that completely devastated me and my faith. I slept with her sister. Frankly I don’t know how it happened. Her sister came to stay with us about four months ago. I had earlier warned her against bringing in anybody to our house to help with the children but as usual, she didn’t listen to me and for peace sake, I allowed it. 

From the very first day she came, I was not comfortable.  When the act took place, I locked myself in the room and cried like a baby to God for mercy. It was like a scale fell off my eyes after the act.   

She left before I could inform my wife of the incident, which of course I did not deny. I went on my knees and pleaded with her to forgive me that I have no excuse whatsoever for what happened. I told her to please lets see how I can get myself back on track with God for disappointing Him after all these years of faithfulness. She seemed to accept and we went into prayer and fasting for days. A day after we concluded the prayers, she changed her mood and went ahead to inform my elder brother without seeking my consent. As if that was not enough, she kept nagging me that she knows I have been cheating on her all these while and God has decided to expose me. I told her that I thought we had settled the matter; but she said she is going to expose me the more until the whole world comes to know what I did.

Personally after the prayer I still have no peace, so I have to inform my prayer partner, my spiritual father and at the same time, my Zonal pastor to please join me in prayers for God to turn His face back to me once again and have mercy on me so I can regain my peace back. While struggling with this great burden, she continued to make my life unbearable.  I couldn’t concentrate; I had to leave the house for my spiritual father’s place so we can pray together. While I was there, my resident pastor called that he needed to see me because my wife had told him what I did. It dawned on me that she was indeed out to destroy me. I thought she ought to be on my side in my trying times, but instead, she is bent on seeing me punished for the crime I committed against our vows. 

Agatha, I am waiting for my peace and fellowship with God to be restored. I have told her and the sister to pack out of the house but she vowed that neither she nor the sister would leave. Is this not a sort of conspiracy to destroy my life? Honestly, if they don’t leave, I will have no choice but to pack my belongings and leave the house for them for good. Yes, we have children between us but I don’t want to die prematurely. 

I need your help; I’m dying gradually within.

Depressed Man.

Dear Depressed Man,

Your problem didn’t start today. This is an issue that predates your actual wedding to this lady. One thing is to be God fearing, another thing is to consult God in all things before taking a decision. Did you ask God before going into it? There is no way the battle will overwhelm you if God gave you permission to marry her. 

Often, we think being close to God is enough. Being close to Him demands total submission to His will and desires. It means not doing anything without getting express permission from Him. This way, when the storms come, you can be rest assured that God would be there to envelop the storm with His peaceful presence. 

If you had done that, it would have been easy for you and this woman to manage your differences without it degenerating into this stage of depression and near hatred.

I sincerely understand the emotional agony involved in your situation but the truth remains, I cannot tell you to quit your marriage. It is your decision and nobody can tell you what to do with it. You are the one who wears the shoes and knows how much it is hurting you. 

However, to prevent the same mistakes from occurring, be it in this marriage or in your future relationship, you have to sit back and take another look at all the issue involved. The first question is, has she always been this troublesome and totally lacking in respect? There is no way you would have married her if she had been like this from day one. At what point did you begin to notice her true nature? What did you do at that point to ensure she doesn’t persist in her ways?

She nags! But what are the things she is always nagging about? Deep down, do you think she has a case even if her presentation is wrong and very irritating, do you, in fairness think she has one or two points? Just as it takes two to tango, it also takes two to cause a permanent damage to a relationship. Yes, she may have the larger blame especially in her attitude and handling of her own frustrations and disappointments with the relationship, what about your own faults? How are you addressing them in the marriage? She just cannot get up in the morning and be raining curses at you without a kind of response from your end. To properly settle whatever it is that is causing unrest in your marriage, both of you have to be honest enough to accept your own faults as well as develop the will to make this marriage work.

Honestly, if you have never thought of committing your relationship with your wife to the hands of God, please do so now. It is never too late to seek the help of God in this matter. That you fell into temptation is because your marriage and home lack peace. There is no way you can be asking God for forgiveness when you are not ready to grant it to another person. Marriage works well when none of the parties takes record of the other person’s wrongs. We are all fallible and like you have found out, prone to huge mistakes. Before God we are all unrighteous. 

Doubtless, some marriages will never work no matter what anybody does to help the marriage but the greatest crime is not trying at all to give what it takes to make it work.  Get down from your religious ladder and apply practical solutions to issues that need practical attention. Prayers without practical applications to those areas deserving attention will not work. 

Marriage is a journey of both spirituality and practical solutions. 

Nobody would believe that you didn’t know what you were doing sleeping with your sister-in-law. Only those who are spiritually inclined would accept your excuse as possible. That it happened means there is a spiritual leak somewhere. God can forgive you but what guarantees do you have that you won’t fall again? So, the first thing is to look for the weak chain in your person, faith and spiritual life. Is this the secret reason you didn’t want anybody coming to your home to stay with you?

Stop trying to use being close to God to hide your nature as a man. If you are unable to confess your nature to yourself who would you tell? It is by so doing that you can truly find a solution through prayers. God knows but is waiting for you to ask for His specific help in the area you know you are weak. You must hunger for a cure for Him to step in. 

If your wife is hurting, it is only expected and if she is broadcasting it, it is because over the years, you have made her appear like the devil and you, the saint in the marriage. Telling anybody who cares to listen is her way of justifying herself and pointing people at your direction.

There is no contesting the fact that a lot of pain and hurt have been inflicted into this marriage. But with the right attitude and loads of sincerity, it will work. You both need time out with God and determination to move forward.

If you send her out, what assurances do you have that the next woman would be better? 

On the issue of your sister-in-law, tell your parents-in-law why you want her out. They will understand. 

Good luck. 

Before my love for her runs me mad…

Dear Agatha, 

God bless you richly for your wise and loving counsel on different issues bothering on very sensitive areas of life. I have been dating this lady since May 2009 and one of the conditions she gave is total abstinence from sex until the wedding night.

I agreed to this condition because I love this girl very deeply. Besides I was sure she would be mine because of the qualities I see in her. Besides being neat, organised, a good housekeeper and God fearing, she is a good communicator: one thing I admire in women.  

Not wanting to lose her, I proposed to her and she accepted but I was determined to ensure she gained admission into higher institution. She didn’t have problems integrating into my family. As a matter of fact my mother often tells me whenever I phone home how she comes to help her with the cooking.  I call her almost on daily basis and she in turn calls me and assures me of her love for me.

The last time she visited me, we had very lovely time together and when she was leaving, she was crying at the thought of leaving.  I assured her that I will always keep in touch with her; that day she sent me a text message appreciating me for all the love and care I have being lavishing on her and how she misses me.

You can therefore imagine my surprise when she called two days after to request for a break in our relationship. I was surprised and thought she was joking but to my greatest surprise she meant every bit of it. It was all so confusing because it came out of nowhere, no disagreement or any quarrel whatsoever. I have been making efforts to know her reasons but she has refused to say anything and has stopped calling me, stopped telling me things and started exhibiting strange character traits.

I had to travel down from my station to see her. I came with gifts to soften her mind and to make her open up to me. All I got for my efforts was a ‘don’t worry God is in control’ statement from her. I have been calling to demand for explanations but she refuses to say anything.

I have being praying to God about it, I truly love her. I once made up my mind to end the relationship and move on with my life since it appears she isn’t ready to give reasons for her action but each time I try, I feel this strong feeling for her in me. 

I prayed and asked God to see me through these crises and to allow His will to be done. I even fasted about it. I made up my mind not to call her while the fasting lasted. I also asked God to give me a sign that she is mine; specifically that she should call me.  Immediately after the fasting, she did two days after. She said she just wanted to know how I was faring. 

It’s been April since she took that decision and has refused to see me and I can’t remember the last time she called me. She didn’t even tell me about her admission. I only got to know when I called to find out how she was doing. It was then she told me that she was in school processing her admission despite the fact that I assured her before the present development of my financial support towards her education. 

She is 20 years old while I am 31.  Please advise me on what to do because I am psychologically and emotionally troubled about her behaviour. I still love her and have feelings for her. I believe in one-man one-woman relationship. 

Mark Jr. 

Dear Mark Jr.

The age differences of 11 years may be her major reason for ending the relationship. Even though she might truly feel something very strong for you, she obviously cannot cope with the pressure you are putting on her to be ready to marry.

She feels at 20 she is yet to experience the spine-tingling side of life, you at 31, have obviously left behind. Don’t forget at her age, she is just emerging into a young adult and for most people, irrespective of gender this is the age they want to experience freedom in its true sense. This is the period of high school and freedom from parental rules and regulations. 

Seeing the subtle pressure of you and your family members could have frighten her to reconsider her earlier decision to agree into this relationship. In a way she feels trapped and thinks she would be transiting from one sets of rules to another sets. If you have the opportunity to talk to her again, do assure her that the fact that you are prepared to settle down doesn’t mean you are blind to her needs as a young woman just emerging into adulthood. 

When issue like this arises it has less to do with love but more to do with maturity. She may love you but lacks the maturity needed to carry this relationship into adulthood. She clearly needs help, especially from friends who would wonder aloud to her hearing why she is dating a man 11 years older than her. Some friends can be very mischievous and innocently misleading. Because they lack the depth of the kind of knowledge you have, they equally lack the kind of wisdom required to help their friend make the right decision. Not that they mean any harm, but they are simply acting in accordance with the limitations of their ages. 

At her age, 11 years age difference seems ancient; in her mind’s eyes, you are an old man compared to men her age. It would take her several years down the road and more experiences of life for her to understand that these things don’t matter so much where love and friendship is the order of the day.

In addition to prayers, you have to take some positive steps in helping her come to full knowledge of who you really are as well as the kind of sacrifices you are willing to make for her happiness.

Once you are convinced that God has given His permission to the relationship, begin the process all over again as a friend and elderly uncle she can come to when she needs help. Tell her you are willing to wait for sometime for her to grow up to appreciate your concern and interest in her.

From time to time, call her to ask after her studies, well-being and social life. The last bit might be difficult considering what you feel for her but you must endure the emotional torture if you really want this lady to always be comfortable with you. 

You have to earn her confidence and appreciation, not because you have done anything wrong, but for the simple reason of the differences in your ages. At this stage in her life, be the friends she needs, one to depend on as well as to support her. You must ensure she doesn’t make a mistake, common with young girls her age by being close to her. For you, it is going to be a journey of patience and absolute tolerance if truly she is your woman and one you can’t do without.

If you were willing to wait, she would soon come to that age as a woman when parties, freedom, and fun would give way to reality and a hunger to settle down with a responsible man.

Encourage your family to continue to be her friend while you pray with seriousness and all honesty for God to lead you aright. This is important to avert disappoint too in your own life. And one way you can avoid disappointment is to have an open heart that whatever you invest in her life is done out of selfless friendship. By having it at the back of your mind that it could end up either way would help your friendship with her.

Good luck. 

Shocked that she misplaced my number…

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady I met recently in the bank. I introduced myself to her, told her where I live and she reciprocated by also telling me where she lives. We exchanged phone numbers; I personally typed my number into her phone.

You can therefore imagine my surprise when she later told me that my number is missing on her phone. I don’t know what to think of her claims because the phone she gave me was on when I typed in my number. I am confused as to what happened to the number I personally typed into her phone.

Valentine.

Dear Valentine, 

There is really no big deal in this matter. If your number is not on her phone, it isn’t. Since you obviously have her contact, why not call her and give her your number again?

Since you are the one interested in her, be prepared to do all the callings now until her mind is made up on what she wants to do with your proposal. When her mind is made up, your number would appear on her phone. 

As a man, you should be ready for such pranks from women.

Good luck. 

Her commitment comes piecemeal…

Dear Agatha,

I really have to commend you for your invaluable pieces of advice to people.
I’m in deep love with an 18-year-old virgin who also speaks of her undying love for me.
We have not had or discussed sexual intercourse since we met nine months ago. We even don’t have any intention of exploring that side of our relationship until our wedding night as we plan to settle down.
But my biggest upset is her nonchalant attitude. She appears not to show concern for anything about me, but whenever I confront her she will feel bad and apologise.
The recent one that baffled me most was when she asked me to call her by midnight knowing full well I don’t make night calls yet I obliged her all the same.   I woke up at around 12:50 am to call her. It took her time to pick my call and when she finely did, we got talking and suddenly she slept off and I kept quiet on phone. 

A number called her while I was still on with her, she kept me on hold and out of annoyance I terminated my call. When I tried to call her back she was still on with the other caller and she refused to pick my call. About 10 to 15 minutes later, I called and was told the number wasn’t reachable. Since then I have refused to pick or call her.
So what could be her problem? Is that she still lacks the maturity needed to hold relationship or just pretending not to show too much commitment in this relationship?  Or do you think this could be her habit?
Please I need to know because I intend to settle down with this girl in no distance time.
Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy,

Although you didn’t give your age but if you want something permanent with this girl, you have to learn to be patient as well as tolerant of her age.

At 18, she is far from the kind of commitment you obviously demand of her. She is just emerging from her larva and getting set for the excitement of being young and beautiful as well as in demand.

You just have to learn to compete with other interests in her life; get used to other men calling her while you are on the line. She is currently like a trophy every man is interested in winning and keeping.

She is majorly still being controlled by her hormones and may not be able to explain reasons behind some of her actions.  Frankly, you have to first ask yourself this vital question. How much of this can you tolerate? How deep are your feelings for her? I ask these questions because your answers would go a long way in determining the future of this relationship.

At this stage, you are the one who would have to work the hardest to sustain this relationship; not because she may not truly like you in a very special way but is confused by the avalanche of male attractions and incentives some may offer her. To neutralize the opposition, you have to learn to play the game her way. From the incident you narrated, if you don’t call her in the night, another person would. Obviously the caller that dislodged you is a regular so know the time of the night to call. 

Try to find out when her sleep is very light in the night so that you both can talk if that would make her feel happy and give you a chance to feature in her life. You must appreciate the fact that it is a fad among the young to make night calls. They see it as an in-thing, something to brag about, a generation thing and anyone who isn’t into night calls as being old fashioned. You may not like it but humour her to demonstrate your willingness of meet her half way as well as the kind of sacrifices you putting at her disposal.

Also, try to understand the line of her communication. She may have slept off because your conversation was boring. If it was exciting, not matter how sleepy she was, she would immediately tune into what you are saying; so find out what excites her as a person and people her age generally.  You have to engage her interest in a topic she finds irresistible before closing the curtains on your own interest. This way, you would have ensured she is wide awake to hear what you have to say to her.  Accept one salient fact, you cannot stop her feeling the way she does; therefore the wise thing is to key into her way of life to keep her interest. This is the sacrifice any man wishing to date a teenager must be ready make.

You also have to learn to absorb a lot at this initial stage until you earn her trust. 

For now, she needs you more as a friend and not as a future partner you want to be to her. To push your agenda is to make her run as fast as her teenage legs can carry. Learn to be that special friend for now. She would eventually grow that maturity required to make a man happy but for now, she is still between being a child and a woman. Good luck.