What will end my marriage to Osu girl?

Dear Agatha,

 I have been in this relationship for four years now. Currently, I am undergoing my masters’ degree programme.

My girlfriend and I are very much in love and plan to marry soon but my parents say I can’t marry her because she is an Osu, a child born by the slaves and culturally considered an outcast in Igbo land.

Agatha, the truth is that I can’t love another woman. And I am determined to go ahead with this wedding since I have exhausted every avenue to make my parents change their minds. I have pleaded with them, done everything to make them support me, but all to no avail. But despite my determination, I am still confused. Am I doing the right thing since I am going into a marriage without my parents’ blessings? Please what should I do? 

Roland.

Dear Roland, 

In the very first instance God created everyone freeborn. Nobody has the right to label any person an outcast. Besides, the tradition that gave birth to such a social rating draws strength from ancient traditional practices that have since died with better knowledge of God, His ways and will for everyone of us.

The culture that gave birth to this unfair social tag mostly came from ignorance and wrong interpretations of powers beyond our understanding. If your parents are true Christians, they should have crystal understanding of what God says about the things He created especially man whom in His infinite wisdom He made in His image. If a being, made in the image of God, is cast as an outcast it means a part of God is being branded an outcast. God is whole, loving, caring, and free which makes man absolutely free to associate. 

If you love this lady, stand by her. If God has not created her to be an outcast- a subhuman- nobody or culture has the right to put in bondage that whose God has set free. 

More than ever before, this is the time for you to showcase your feelings for this woman. Knowing how deeply entrenched the cultural beliefs of your people are, regarding the so called Osu, it might not be easy right now to get your parents to support your decision. Such acceptance would only come after several years of seeing how ideal a couple both of you are, come when their grandchildren make it impossible for them to continue to ignore you, when they discover that all their fears of repercussions are baseless, and when they discover the huge success you are making out of your lives. 

For these reasons, you must be sure that God paired you both to be an item, must never allow the distraction presented by the social classification of her status distract you both from the real issues of finding your rhythm as a couple.

Because of this challenge, both of you must make a vow to become best of friends, be each other’s confidant, have the determination to subdue all challenges that come with two persons from different backgrounds living together. You must learn this early to forgive, care, tolerate, and understand each other in such a way that would make outside influences disrupt your union. In addition to providing support for each other, you both must learn to embrace God always.  Doubtless it isn’t going to be easy initially but if you are both sure God made you both an item, it would work in spite of the current challenges you are both facing. 

To know if you are doing the right thing, listen to the rhythm of your heart, that tiny still voice that whispers what is right to you. What do your four years of being with her tell you about her? Looking at her being, her person and not her social status, would give you the assurances you need to move on with her. 

By the way, have you tried getting the pastor or priest of your parents’ church to talk to them on this matter?

Just learn to pray. 

Good luck.

 

She showcases no love for me…

Dear Agatha,

I like my girlfriend a lot and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university while I am still trying getting admission into a university. I am always calling and sending her text messages. But she doesn’t call or send me text message. The only time she did was when I sent her credit and it was just to thank me.  When I call to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she tells me she stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem, which I am aware of.

My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention that I should give her a break for a while, to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me. 

I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle not to call her for that month. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her. I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way.

I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times I wish I could go and visit her. I miss her so much.
I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow.
Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon because it really disturbs me a lot.
Please help me out.  Sam.

Dear Sam,  

Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile. 

Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university.

By the time she graduates and finishes her service year, you will only be in your mid year at school. 

And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job on time. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities.  Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time? These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality.  Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realises her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason, but she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in circles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered hence must be respected to the fullest. Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more matured and deep thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all. This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text message. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend, you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her. Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts, at your age, are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds.If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life. 

A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions.

However, what is critical in your life now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness in you. Until you market and package yourself as a focused young man, nobody will ever take you serious. 

Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could make them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications. Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you.  The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in need of a person to talk to. 

Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her.Good luck

Should I marry her without my parents blessing?

Dear Agatha,

 

I’m a graduate and have a good job as well. I met a girl six years ago and fell in love wit her. I proposed to her and she accepted. I told my parents last year but they bluntly refused. It even got to the stage of me choosing between my family and the girl. I’m the only son of my parents and won’t give me their blessings if I eventually marry her. 

What do you think I should do because I’ve tried working on my parents but it seems to be a fruitless effort? Should I marry her and discard the blessings of my parents, a choice I am unwilling to make, just as I cannot make the choice of leaving her as well.

Charlz.

Dear Charlz,

In this kind of situation, you just have to make a choice. It is either you accept to go with your parents or submit to the desires of your heart. To say you can’t do either is to admit to your own failure as a man. As one old enough to marry, you should know what makes you happy. For you to contemplate marriage shows that you have reached the age of definition. You must be able to characterise your life to suit your dreams as a person, more so as a man who would one day lead his own family.

However, it behooves you to give some thoughts to the objections of your parents for the simple reason that they have more experience in these matters than you do. At the end you still reserve the right to your own decision since the issue has to do with your life and happiness especially if such reasons bother on pure sentiments rather than substantiated reasons.

What precisely has your parents got against your would be wife? Why are they insisting you can’t marry her? Is it that you are both not from the same state hence the fear of effective communication and appreciation of each other’s customs and values? Has it to do with the fact that as the only son you should marry someone they know, someone familiar with your culture? If this is the case, then it isn’t good enough a reason because even if you end up marrying someone they personally groomed for you, if both of you lack the essential commitment to make a marriage work, not only will your parents be disappointed at the end but would also have created a generation of problems for you as a man.

If this is their only reason, sit them down and explain the need for them to open their hearts to her because with love, everything can be achieved in life. Assure them that while you understand all their fears concerning her, given time, she could be the kind of daughter-in-Law they want for you.

However, if their complaints have to do with her character, attitude and values, take time out to listen to them even if you are not pleased with whatever it is they are saying. 

Sometime the things we take for granted are the same things that wait to cause problems for us in the future. 

Pay attention and make efforts to find out if they are telling the truth or not because at times our parents too have a habit of exaggerating things to suit their plans for us. If you want to get it right with this marriage, divorce sentiments from your investigations of her behaviour, this is important because you would be the one to live with the outcome of whatever decisions you take today.

At the end of the day, weigh your own happiness vis-à-vis the choice your parents are presenting before you. Being the one that would wear the shoes, be firm where you have to be.

Honestly if you are determined to marry this lady, there are ways you can get your parents to listen to you. You can go through their religious leader or someone they esteem, that person they cannot afford to say no to. 

Take the girl to that person; give the person a day or two to digest his or her impression of the girl before going back to discuss the problems you are having with your parents concerning the lady and how you would appreciate the person’s intervention in getting your parents to support your choice. Underline the salient fact that this is a woman you have dated for six years and with whom you have been able to build a strong bond of understanding and friendship. 

That asking you to do away with her is asking you to throw away six years of your life. Once you are able to convince the person of your dreams, it would be easy for that person to talk to your parents.

Whatever happens at the end, ensure you are in line with God’s plans for you. Set some days aside to seek the face of God in this matter. Specifically tell God to speak to you on this issue in the language you will understand. 

The issue of marriage is more serious than a lot of us think.  Good luck.

Though carrying his baby, he still eyes my friend…

Dear Agatha,

I am always inspired by the way you give good answers to people’s questions. I have been having problems in every relationship I go into. Recently, I met this guy in my church, we are not friends, and I know he was interested in dating my friend who happens to be the daughter of a pastor in the church. 

To get my friend to notice him and become jealous, he begged me to pretend that we were dating. To cut the long story short, he however asked me out because his interest in this friend of mine is making her head to swell and that he was tired of the whole thing. 

This month made it one year that we started dating. One day, he came to my house and one thing led to another and he forcefully deflowered me. Since then it has become a regular thing between us. 

Initially, he was nice to me but began to change along the way. He beats and abuses me. He also does all sort of things to me, to the extent I have become afraid of him. 

When I missed my period and informed him about it, he told me it wasn’t his problem that he isn’t interested in me but simply hanging around. 

In the church every body knows us as friends but I am scared it is a plan work to ruin me because my daddy is the district pastor of the church. 

Even after claiming his disinterest in my friend, I always see him around her and notice how nicely he treats her. For instance, there was a day I told him I was hungry. He told me he didn’t have any money, but right there in my presence, he brought money out to buy food for my friend when she told him she was hungry too. I didn’t find it funny and protested that fact. He told me it was only N100 food he bought her.

One Sunday, I took his phone and I saw a message he sent her begging her to come back to him. I asked him if it was she he sent the message to but he said no that it was another person bearing the same name with her. I believed him but later that day, I collected my friend’s phone to listen to music then checked her inbox.  I did and saw the same message on her phone. I was hurt by the discovery and decided to end the relationship. Perhaps what was more painful is the fact that he saved her number with sweetheart while my number wasn’t even stored. He didn’t want people in the church to know that we are dating. He later begged me and I agreed because I loved him and he told me that the reason he lied to me was because he knows I was going to be jealous. He treats her family like jewels and mine with levity. I don’t know what to do, either to break up or continue with him. If I break up with him how would I cope because we are in the same church? Please I need your advice urgently.

Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl, 

In the first place the issue here has gone beyond you breaking up with him to that of managing the many by products this relationship has brought with it. Whether you break up with him or not won’t resolve the issue of your pregnancy. Both of you have to sit down and talk about it irrespective of what he feels or thinks about you. The pregnancy is a fact you both have to come to terms with. At this point whosoever he adores or you are jealous of is not as important as what becomes of the innocent child that is incubating inside of you. The decision of both of you to taste sex outside marriage has resulted into the conception of an innocent life, which you both must have to contend with. That decision to end it has been decided by the presence of the pregnancy. So it is too late to contemplate that option. 

Ending it won’t also erase the fact that you sold yourself cheaply to this man or the fact that he lacks respect for you.  You have made too many costly mistakes, the consequences will for a long time live with you.

For instance, you knew his feelings for your friend, yet agreed to his offer of friendship just as you were well aware of his real interest in you. He wanted you in his life to make your friend sufficiently jealous to accept him into her life. He didn’t lie to you or pretend his interest in you was deeper than it is. He told you from the beginning what he wanted from you. He gave you the opportunity of turning him down but you made the choice of going through with him. In all honesty, he doesn’t share in the blame of what you are feeling in this relationship. If anyone is to be blamed, that person must be you.

As the woman, you mortgaged your integrity because you didn’t think deeply about your options. You took advantage of your friend’s attitude to motor your interest in this man. 

In the first place, you had no business going out with a man who has expressed interest in your friend. If you were truly a friend to this other girl, you won’t agree to such a proposal from her boyfriend. The best you would have done is to mediate in the matter, getting your friend to listen to the man and not to date him.

If there is anyone who should feel bad, it is your friend and not you. He treats her with respect because she has conducted herself with respect. Hence he has no choice but to have a high regard for her. Men value women who have learnt the secret of self-respect and principle. If nothing, this lady has demonstrated to this boy that she doesn’t come cheap and that she is conscious of the delicate position of her father in the church. 

You on the other hand didn’t think of the implication on your father or his ministry in your conduct. If there is anyone out to destroy your father, it is you. How do you think he would feel when he finds out that his daughter is pregnant for a man who doesn’t love her and obviously not in the least interested in sharing a minute part of his life with her?

You claimed that he forced himself on you, how? If you didn’t create the chance of intimacy between the two of you, there is no way he would have forced himself on you in the open place. And why didn’t you after that first time discontinue to have anything to do with him if truly he violated you? The fact that you kept sleeping with him shows that your claims of violation aren’t true; that you slept with him of your own volition.

To get back some of your credibility, learn to be truthful to yourself always. There is no way anyone can be truthful to you if you don’t show such considerations to yourself. 

As for the issue of the pregnancy, it is something you both have to discuss with the reality it deserves. Sooner or later, it would begin to show and tongues would waggle as to who is responsible. It is unfortunate that you are all members of the same church and children of men of God. There is no way your father’s image would not be affected by your actions; what should concern you now is how to manage it so it doesn’t completely cripple his ministry. 

And one of the ways you can help your father survive this scandal is to inform them now of your condition as well as the boy’s attitude towards it. Arrangements can be made for you to go away for a while to enable you have your baby and continue with whatever it is that you are doing.

Although not a perfect solution, but it would be better than exposing yourself, family and the church to the ridicule of members as well as the society in general.

The disappointment won’t be too much if your parents get to hear details of the pregnancy from you. Though it would grieve them to know that your conduct goes against their teaching and position in the society, but it is best they hear it from you than from others outside.

For the sake of the baby you just have to learn to control your emotions and give attention to the reality on the ground. Both of you must discuss and agree on the welfare of the child growing inside of you.

Above all be contented with any situation you find yourself to avoid making this kind of mistake again. Also learn to be close to your God, it matters so much to be.

Good luck. 

Many expect my wife but doubt if…

Dear Agatha,

You are a great councillor; keep it up dear.
I need your help. I will be turning 27 years of age soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction. 
Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realise the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me in times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this girl I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I belief in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other.

Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I, I opted out.

I need to be in a relationship but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me. 

Confused Boy.

Dear Confused Boy, 

The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream. 

To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive and frankly, it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work.

For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. It has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times.

You also have to accept one basic truth about life, the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one.

To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions, which often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off.

Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman, pretend you can, because overtime the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct.

Just be practical in your search and above all entrust God with your dreams.

Good luck. 

I am considering taking a second wife

Dear Agatha,

I am an engineer by profession. I have a good job and live comfortably with my wife and son. But I have this recurring problem, which always leaves me helpless.

I am an only child, not because my parents couldn’t have more children but for the reason that all my siblings died at very tender ages. Incidentally, my father too was an only child. 

Because of this situation, my kinsmen are always very protective towards me. They always take special interest in matters concerning me because I have nobody to stand by or for me. Even though I managed to survive the odds of my situation, it wasn’t a cup of tea being alone in the whole world. I survived through the grace of God. 

My wife and I are also facing this same problem. After six years of marriage, we have only a son. We have been to different medical doctors and through series of fertility tests but nothing was found wrong with either my wife or I.   

Because of the loneliness of being an only child, I am considering taking a second wife. This is irrespective of the love I have for my wife and my position in the church, which I know I would forfeit if I take on another wife. 

I don’t want my son to go through what I went through as a child.  

Agatha, I am at a very terrible crossroads. Please at this point, I don’t know what to do, advise me.

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

Your problem is not physical but spiritual and I honestly empathise with you because like a great number of us, you are an innocent victim of forces and consequences you know nothing about. 

Because what you are contending with is a foundational problem, even if you marry all the women in the world, unless there is a dislodgement of whatever powers are holding your paternal lineage hostage, the children would also die like all your siblings. If nothing was found medically wrong with both of you, what makes you so sure you would be able to produce more children from other women? 

Besides, you would only be adding to your very complex situation by bringing in another woman into your life. Ask those who know, polygamy has never been a solution to the problem in the sense that every person involved in the arrangement would do anything to be in the vintage position. 

What happens if the new woman you are bringing in is unable to provide you with more children? Keep marrying until you succeed? Do you know the more incriminating spiritual problems these women may be experiencing in their families? Do you know the diabolical powers that could come into your peaceful world to worsen what you feel is already a complicated situation in your life? Spiritual problems, unlike physical problems need wisdom and plenty of God’s involvement to obliterate. For your own sake as well as your family’s sake, especially the innocent child involved, don’t depend on your wisdom or understanding of issues alone. Take everything to God first through prayers. 

It is not just enough to decide on bringing in another woman. Have you sat down to consider the increased headaches you would be contending with by acquiring more women in your life? Also consider the peace you would be forfeiting by having more than one wife? How rich are you to fairly meet all their demands?

Two issues are at play here. One is the fact that all the surviving children in your family are men and secondly, that every attempt to increase the number always result in the deaths of subsequent children.

The question you should ask is why is this so? At what point did this begin to happen in your lineage? Did the trend start with your grandfather? Before this trend, what was the situation? How many children did your great grandfather have? Were they all girls? If there were boys, how many of them outside your grandfather survived?

Go back into your family and investigate the reasons for this. Is there a particular family god your ancestors worship? That you are today a Christian doesn’t stop you suffering the consequences unless there is a proper deliverance. 

Many a time, we ignorantly think because we have given our lives to Christ, it can prevent the consequences of our ancestors’ decision from falling on us. Our past remains our heritage. There is no way we can talk about our present and future without the past. The past remains indelible.

If one’s past has a major fault, it follows that one’s present and future would have some of those deformities from the past. 

You are today facing this challenge because something isn’t right about your past. Deliverance sessions enable ancient doors, closed doors to be opened for the Holy Spirit to restructure the damage. To put the past where it belongs, we must take the step in our present to give the future a new meaning.

If your grandfather isn’t alive, go to your father to tell you some things he remembers about his family. If there is nobody in your family to turn to, your kinsmen must have one or two useful information to give. Jot down whatever information you get, no matter how insignificant it appears. What you consider unimportant may be the key to your problem. 

If possible, visit your ancestral home. No matter how far removed your relatives maybe from you; you must enlist their support in this battle to be free from the past.

To begin with, go to God in prayers. Remember you wear the shoes hence in the best position to know how it fits. If you don’t cry out, demand for God’s personal intervention, nobody can do it for you. Your cry would lead you to your source of help. 

Call the leadership of the church and ask for spiritual support. If possible, ask them to accompany you on the journey to your ancestral home. There is no doubt you need all the help to overcome this problem and the more spiritually inclined people in your church that stands in gap for you, the better. 

While you research the cause of the problem, it is also pertinent to look at the average life span in your family especially if your grandfather and father are dead. If however they are still alive, enlist their support through proper education of this unwholesome trend. 

The most important thing you need is to have complete faith in God.

Your son doesn’t have to end up an only child. You can adopt a child to grow with him, to answer your name and to remove whatever restriction has been placed on you. The attack is targeted at your natural ability to have another child outside the one allowed. They cannot stop you having another child through adoption. 

This is a better, more peaceful and rewarding option than the issue of multiple marriages you are contemplating. 

Nobody would know the difference between your biological child and adopted child if you treat them equally and fairly.

Good luck

When he couldn’t respect my covenant, I bowed out

Dear Agatha, 

I am 17 years of age in a relationship with a boy of 21. He deflowered me. Feeling extremely bad about it, I made a covenant with God never to do it until my wedding night.

Instead of my boyfriend to respect my wish and feelings, he took to forcing himself on me at every opportunity he gets. Of recent, as part of his attempts to blackmail me, he went back to his ex-girlfriend I discovered he dated behind me for five months.

She got pregnant and he assisted her in terminating the pregnancy after which he came back to me begging for forgiveness. 

Despite what he did, I forgave him but I discovered he was still the same person who wanted me to go back on my covenant not to have sex until my wedding night. When his pressures and accusations became too much for me to handle, I terminated the relationship. Now he and his friends are going about calling me a wicked person. I am really worried about what they are saying about me prompting me to write and ask this question, was I wrong in asking him to go?

Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl, 

Don’t allow him or his friends blackmail you into going back on your decision. It is gratifying to know that you realised the inherent danger of what you did and took steps to prevent more mistakes in future. From his attitude, it is obvious that he desires you for his bed and nothing more. If he truly loved you, he would neither have cheated on you with another girl nor would he be pressuring you into sleeping with him.

Don’t mind whatever names they call you. What matters is how you see yourself and how God sees you. If you hadn’t the sense to terminate the relationship, he would have also treated you like he did the other lady whom he got pregnant and aided her in terminating the relationship. 

At 17, you don’t need such people around because of the negative influence on one’s life. This boy and his circle of friends are capable of anything, hence the need for you to be careful and mindful of your association with them. 

Learn to ignore whatever they say. It is all part of growing up. A lot of grown up women with determined spirits like you were also called names by naughty minded men at one time or the other, making yours a non-issue. 

If you have to be wicked to protect your life from all the attendant problems that come from indiscriminate and too early sex, so be it. It is better to be called wicked girl than to be called a girl of low moral values. Just be consistent and determined in your chosen part. What should be most important to you now is your education, not men and their problems. At your age, men are huge distractions capable of derailing your dreams in life. 

Involvement with them in the wrong way makes concentration more on productive issue of passing your examinations very difficult primarily, because you are only maturing yourself and lacks the strength of mind not to be affected by the thrills and pains that come with relationships. If adults get derailed by these emotions, you can imagine how difficult it would be for you to combine these emotions of relationship, disappointments, sexual pressures, fear of pregnancy or Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) with studying to pass your examinations. This is the point where lot of young girls and boys get completely derailed for life, so be very careful not to be one of the statistics. For this reason, have them only as friends for now to give you time to plant good fruits for your future. I am sure you have learnt one or two lessons from all these. Always remember them when next another man comes before you are ready to have a relationship with any man. And don’t ever forget to tell him from the beginning of your decision not to have sex until your wedding night. Only the one that agrees and supports your intention is for real. And please, establish a relationship with God because you need Him in your life to always be on the right path. 

Good luck.

Who do I choose between the two girls?

Dear Agatha,

I have been facing a lot of confusion concerning my life. I have been in a relationship with this lady for years now. Before we added a year to our relationship, we had a problem that led me into a messy relationship with another lady. 

I call it a stupid mess because I am not benefiting from it. Instead, it is draining my pocket, which is making me lose concentration at school and at work. Currently, I am between two ladies and don’t know whom to settle for. The second lady deflowered me. My feeling for the first lady is pure and clean, devoid of sex while my feeling for the second lady is woven around the aroma of sex being my instructor. I always call on her whenever I feel like having sex.

Because of this, I don’t know who to give the marching orders out of these two women. Please help me make the right choice.

PA.

Dear PA,

The choice before you is that of what is most important to you in life and subsequently in that woman who would give support to your dreams in life. Sex is what everywoman can give a man. Even if she lacks the kind of experience you find in another woman, if you worth your salt as a man, you can teach the woman in your life how to please you in bed. But peace of mind is only what a few women can give their men.

Every couple has the ability to patent its sex in such a way to give pleasure forever. It is just a matter of imagination, honesty and pure sense of adventure.

This is however different when it has to do with attitude and character. These are what make sex between couples different from what they have experienced with causal friends. Sex has its own power of communication and the value of this aspect of sex can only be enhanced when the relationship is enveloped in friendship. This is what gives it a different kind of flavour. Therefore, you need more than desire to enjoy sex. What is happening between you and this lady is raw want, especially as you are experiencing sex for the first time. The thrill of a woman’s body is what is influencing you right now and the only power of communication you and this woman have unlike your first relationship where you both have mastered the act of communication that comes from pure friendship.

What you should do now is get out for a little while. You need time on your own to revalue your relationship with both women. Revisit the reason for your disagreement with your first girlfriend. What led to it? Why did you jump immediately into another relationship? First take a deep look at your relationship with your first girlfriend. Are there areas you think she is lacking? In what way are you also contributing to the problem? Just like it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something beautiful. At this crucial point, you need to be very honest with yourself to avoid regrets later in life. 

Take retrospective look at your relationship with the first lady. In all your months together, how much impact and changes has brought into your life? If you were to live without her, what would you miss most about her? Do you think, deep down, this other woman would be able to give you the kind of happiness she gives you outside sex?

By keeping in view your dreams in life and x-raying your relationships with these women, you give yourself the chance of knowing whom to settle for. The woman must have the ability to awaken in you a desire to excel through her unconditional support, patience, loyalty, friendship, respectful, tolerance, prayerful and understanding. Any woman who isn’t patient, lacks the selflessness to make a relationship work, isn’t prepared to tolerate the expected ups and downs would not have the kind of sensitivity needed to propel a man to attain his best in life.

A man needs more than a bedmate, he needs a friend to always come home to. One who will always understand that it takes more in life to make a dream come true and is forever on her knees praying for her family to succeed and who has the right kind of respect to cope even when tempers are high.

As man, you must look out for that woman who has the ability to cope when you are not around or when things are not going well. She must be a reservoir of strength for those dry days as well as the willingness to give her best to make her man and family happy.

Only a woman, who has mother qualities in her, can make things happen for her man and home. But one who strives solely in sex cannot be trusted to withstand those bad times we all experience sometime in our relationships. 

Therefore, be careful you don’t throw away gold and settle for dust. Do ask God for His guidance in all these.

Good luck. 

She avoids avenue for peace after any quarrel…

Dear Agatha,

I am a Ghanaian and have been reading most of your works on the nigeriaworld.com site, and I must say it’s a great deal of insight God has given you. God bless you more. Agatha, I have been in relationship with this girl for the past one year and two months, and I must say that it has been great until last month when we started having little squabbles over trivial issues. I have realised my woman to be quick tempered, gets angry over issues of no importance.

I am in the habit of calling her most of the time and for reasons of official responsibilities, I am unable to call her, she becomes very furious and very unmindful of how mean she can get when she is in this mood. In that kind of mood, she has severally threatened to end the relationship, and would in fact remain inaccessible for days.  Agatha, I love this lady so much that we have plans to get married. How will married life be with this attitude? How do I make her stop going into hiding for days when we have a disagreement?

I do need your advice.

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

Thank God you are not in the dark regarding the character of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with. At least she is honest enough not to hide her true nature from you. The choice is now yours: would you be able to cope with her kind of person or not? If she has been good all these while until a month ago, then what do you think could be the issue? Has she been complaining about anything in particular all these while, perhaps your attitude or character? More often than not, people close to us take their attitude from our reactions to issues concerning them. If this is a recent development, you should begin the search from your end. Have you demonstrated the kind of concern expected from someone who claims to love her? If she has consistently complained about an issue, take your cue from there. Ask her when she is happy, and most likely to listen to you why you are both having these little issues between the two of you. Be careful not to make her feel like she is the reason for the problem in the relationship. Even if deep down, you think she is more of the problem, present it as a joint one. This way, you give her the opportunity of opening up and telling it as it is. Allow her to bare her mind completely because that is the only way you can get an idea of why she keeps behaving this way and know too how to help her beat the habit.

After she has spoken, also tell her your worry about her behaviour and how much it is beginning to affect the dream you both have of sharing your lives together. Don’t pretend at this point; let her know you are really apprehensive of the future of the relationship, and that you are in fact at the point of reconsidering your stance over the relationship. Because she is the one dishing out the menu, she may not know how much hurt she is serving you unless you draw her attention to it. In situation like this, give her time to change after the discussion. Furthermore, don’t delude yourself that she would completely change, it doesn’t happen that way. She would only make the effort but you have to make up your mind on the percentage of sacrifice you think you can make for peace in this relationship. 

Every relationship has its measure of sacrifices to make it work. Her temper is something you can control by ignoring her. No woman likes to be ignored or treated as inconsequential. Each time her temper rises, walk away from her, refusing to sit around her to listen to whatever she has to say. If you are not around her, you won’t have to hear what she has to say. By the time her temper blows away gently, but firmly tell her the damage her temper is causing the relationship and how if she fails to control it, it might make you walk away from her finally despite the love you have for her. There is always a stage of building and consolidation in every relationship. You are both in the stage of constructing your relationship in the way you would both benefit from it.  Good luck.

Nasty days I had with my ex lessens my passion…

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend has been desperate to put me in a family way until I prayed and fasted. During the week of my fasting, I got a text message from him that “you are a good girl; I don’t deserve to marry you because if I do, you will have problems and get older than your age because you won’t have peace.”

Sometime later, he called and I thanked him for the text message, only for him to claim ignorance of it. He claimed not knowing when he typed or sent the message. He began to beg me to forgive him. I told him at that point that we were not meant to be. 

Somehow, we got back because I truly loved him and couldn’t control my feelings for him. During the process of my coming back, I dreamt that I became pregnant and lost it. True, I actually got pregnant and he came to see my parents as well as inform them of his desire to marry me. Like in the dream, I eventually lost the pregnancy. 

In another dream, I dreamt seeing him with two children and later discovered he is not only a father but married too. Although he was planning to divorce his wife, I felt disappointed and too bad. He didn’t tell me himself, but I got all the information from dream. 

When I confronted him, he began to cry and beg for forgiveness. He says he lied because he didn’t want to lose me and that he knew I would never have accepted him if I know anything about him having a wife and children. I felt betrayed and wounded by a man I once loved but who now appeared like a total stranger to me. 

Two days after, I got a call that he collapsed in the office. When I got there, he was still pleading with me to forgive him as well as accept to be his wife. I told him it was over. His wife kept calling and sending me text messages, calling me all sorts of names. All these happened in 2009. After that I promised myself I wouldn’t have anything to do with any man for eight months. Right now, I have a lot of men demanding for my interest.

The problem is that I don’t have feelings at all. Some say, I am mean and scared of love. 

Agatha, I love children a lot and I get joy from them than I do from male company. Please advise me. Am I overdoing it?  I don’t want to disappoint any man by pretending I love him. 

Confused Woman.

Dear Confused Woman, 

This man didn’t disappoint you as much as you did yourself. Granted he lied to you when you both started but God stepped in to help you put things in their right perspective. 

You elected to ignore this help even when you confirmed from your conversation with him that the message you got was indeed help from above. You, out of your own volition, went into the relationship, got pregnant and miscarried like you were also shown in your dream.

Even when you ignored all these help signs, God for the third time showed you through another dream that not only is this man married but also has children. Something you later discovered to be true.

Honestly, you should be grateful that God prevented you from making a costly mistake of your life. Turning your back against men isn’t a solution to your self-induced disappointment. To continue to act this way, is telling God that you aren’t grateful to Him for His mercies and help. 

Since you have a relationship with God, one that employs dreams to warn you of what is to happen in the future, instead of determining your own case, why not first go to God in prayers with the specific request that He points you at the right direction to go?

If you want children, you must consider marrying some day. Marriage and children come together. Take your time to rediscover yourself. In doing this, consider what is important to you most in life. That should form the nectar of whatever steps you would take concerning your future. This entails discovering yourself first before knowing what kind of man you need around you.

You failed with this man because you didn’t bother to find out if he is right for your kind of dream. Had you devoted time to talking to him, he would have made one or two slips that will either show that he isn’t right for you or revealed that he is already married. 

Beyond this is your personal relationship with God. You are lucky the pregnancy terminated itself else you would have lived in regrets at your refusal to submit yourself to the will of God. For someone close to God, you should have known better than to sleep with him. There is no way you can be objective when sex is involved in a relationship. This is why it was very difficult for you to heed all the warnings God gave you concerning this man.

The lesson from this relationship is to depend more on God; less on yourself. Once you align yourself with the wishes of God for you, you won’t have to struggle with yourself over an issue you cannot control. The right man would come. And when he does, your joy and happiness would be unlimited.

Good luck.